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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2018 3:33:21 GMT 10
It's gone, the pain and weakness has hone completely. I feel like a different person within that short moment of acceptance that I am weak and powerless and this is why I judge people so unlovingly, I feel stronger now I know the truth to the mystery of why I do such unloving things and it's because I am weak and powerless and I didn't want to feel that truth, now I do and I have had my Angels and spirit helpers and Mother and Father to help me feel all I need to feel to reveal the truth and know myself truly. All of my pain has gone away and I feel good in such a short amount time, it has all changed for me.
I am judgmental because I am scared of being weak and powerless and that is who I am because I was judged and weakened as a child so my parents could be the all powerful ones and as I grew I wanted the same power as them so I did what was done to me, I cruelly judge others. I still have the pain of that judgement i have inflicted on others, i can feel it in me still, like the compensation i have to pay for what i have done, its not like ,oh well, i feel good now so i dont have to worry about the pain i have caused others, i can feel that still in me and i feel so sorry for what i have done, from my heart i am sorry at my cruel judgement of others, my thoughts and feelings and cruel words behind the backs of others now feels so cruel and when Mother and Father know I have felt it all out of me, they will transform my soul and I will change.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 3, 2018 8:23:56 GMT 10
I am having terrible pain in my face again. it comes on instantly at about 7.30 to 8.00ish in the evening, not every night but quite often. Fuck it is so painful, like every bone in my face is in pain, all of my sinus' are alive with pain and the pain moves around my face, nose and head. At the moment I feel like I cant cope with it, it feels like I am being touched and every touch is pain and the touch keeps moving around my face and head, its very weird. I want it to go, I hate it, it hurts so much as it moves from place to place now it is in my cheek bones and the bridge of my nose and it feels like cramping. I feel like I will never get out of this pain, it controls me, it has me and there is nothing I can do about it. I am scared of this pain and how bad it might get, I am so scared of pain, I want it to go.
This pain totally shuts me down, I have to just go to bed and give in to it as it has just moved into my jaws and my teeth. Oh for fuck sake fuck off and leave me alone, just fuck off I am sick of the pain, tell me why you are hurting me. I don't feel like I can cope as the pain seers into my nose and my cheek bones. I cant stand this any more, its to much as it has now moved into the right side of my head, skull. My whole head and face is alive with the pain.
Please help me Mother and Father, what is causing this pain, I cant bare it any more. lease help me to find the truth of my pain. I cant cope, I cant do anything, I cant function, I am not in control of anything in my life with this pain constantly hurting me. It hurts to blink, to talk, to move my head, even to sniff, I just feel terrible like I have to shut down completely and let it control me, there is nothing I can do. This is the restriction I felt as a child, the pain of being controlled and having no power to say to them "Fuck off, you are stopping me do everything I want to do, you are controlling me and it hurts". I had to do as I was told no matter how much I didn't want to and I have to do what the pain wants, let it have its way without a care for me, I have no say it will hurt me and I have to let it. Shit it hurts so much as I express it all to Mother and Father. I feel so weak and powerless as it takes me over and I have to feel the pain of its control, this is how painful it feels to be controlled.
I hate this pain so much, I cant carry on writing its to much, I cant cope and write, its to painful. I cant carry on doing what I want to do I have to let it have control of me and stop what I am doing.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 4, 2018 4:11:49 GMT 10
My facial pain last night was excruciating and I am dreading tonight, in case it comes for me again. I looked it up on the internet and it is called Trigeminal Neuralgia, compression of the facial nerves but it doesn't matter what it is called all that matters are the feelings I feel, it doesn't need a name, it is all a feeling.
The only thing that gets rid of it is sleep and today I have been praying to Mother and Father to help me feel the truth of my pain and I have been made aware of just how tensed up my facial muscles are, when I relax them it feels like my whole face relaxed and my muscles drop in that relaxation, my muscles must be constantly clenched and that is what this pain feels like, face cramp and electric shocks. It has shocked me just how tensed up my muscles are as I relax them in my face.
I have been faking all of my expressions, holding my face in an untrue expression and it hurts, it is like being made to smile all day and it begins to hurt after a while. My facial expressions just go into an un-natural and untrue programmed expression, one I have been told I have to hold, smiling when I don't feel happy, laughing because I want to be polite and laugh along, looking like I am interested when I was bored stiff all to keep others happy and to be accepted and liked by others. If I held my face in its natural resting position I would look miserable all day and I wasn't allowed to be unhappy or miserable or angry when I felt like it. Some days I have to stretch my face to relax it where it has been so clenched up all day and it takes an actual remembrance to relax my face.
I don't feel I can be how I feel so I have put on this smiley face to please everyone. If I relax my face and take all of the tension out of it, I can feel all my muscles drop and untense, its crazy that I live with this untrue face on and it is hurting me. To smile or laugh when I don't really feel it takes effort, its a mind control action so I will be liked and not hurt others by not responding to them in the way they want me to because this is how I had to be with mum and dad, faking it constantly and I am still doing it.
As I said earlier, I am dreading the pain coming back, I cant cope with it and it intensity. It is the intensity of the pain felt by not being able to be myself but to contort my face into someone acceptable and not show how I really feel, not happy, not feeling like laughing but being how I really do feel. I am not being true, even now I feel like I have to smile at everyone and be happy and laugh when someone else is laughing, I don't even know what the fuck I am laughing at. I feel so fucking angry that I have to do this and saying that I feel my facial pain is anger at having to be what I am not and I cant stop being like it, I am to scared to not smile at someone, not laugh at someone, I am to scared to keep my straight face when they are being how they are being, I cant be true around others, they are my parents and I have to be happy and show it or I will hurt them, they will be upset that I am not joining in their happy time or responding in like. I just cant be myself and I feel so fucking angry about it and I feel my face is full of pain and anger at having to be something I am not. having to be so false and untrue with my facial expressions just to be accepted.
I am so programmed to do this, I cant break it just express how it makes me feel until it all changes for me. My muscles burn with the tension of being put into positions that are not how I truly feel inside, just to relax every muscle in my face feels like such a relief and I have been so unaware of how I carry myself just to please others and be accepted and not attacked for not being happy or smiling. People will hate me if I don't find them funny and laugh along with them, If I just keep a straight face they will hate me and think I am miserable, I might be a very miserable person if I let myself me true and not act how I think others want me to act.
I am so angry that I cant look how I want to look, I am stopping myself being true because I don't want to upset anyone so I have to be how they want me to be and I am fucked of with it. I wasn't aware of just how much I contort my self to be how others want me to be and I am still doing it even to the check out girl in the shop, I have to be polite and happy and smile, what a fucking fake, it is my untruth being untrue to her untruth.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 4, 2018 5:33:35 GMT 10
I just went out to pick up my daughter and I always find the car a great place to really scream like in a horror movie, so I did. I felt angry and agitated about how powerless I feel about not being able to be myself in life so I had a good scream and now my throat is raw but I let out a lot of anger. I am being aware of how my face is feeling when I don't contort it to please others and it feels good, miserable to look at but good to feel. I have been holding my face in such tension and not even been aware of it and now my facial pain is letting me know more about my untrue state and how I use my facial expressions to please others and be false to myself, I am not really feeling how I am looking, I am just doing it to be accepted and miserable isn't accepted. If I just let my jaw drop all of my facial muscles drop with it and it feels so good not being able to tense up.
I am still feeling the dread in me of the pain coming back. I am scared of it never going and having to live with it every day as some people do, even a lot of them becoming suicidal as I read today. I can see how the constant pain would lead you to feel like that as last night it was terrible for me. I am scared of overwhelming pain, I cant do anything about it, I wont take pain killers because I want to do it all with my feelings, taking anything is out of the question. The pain only comes at night, not every night but in flare ups so I have been dreading the night coming as the pain may start for me. This has been going on for three years I think, it might be more but is getting worse and all I can do is keep on expressing how it makes me feel until I get to the cause of it and it makes me feel hopelessly powerless to do anything about it as it was for me as a child, I just had to put up with it and the anger is in me, letting someone or something control me and cause me pain and I am fucked of with it and as I wrote that I felt like I don't even have the energy to be angry about it, I have to submit and give in because I cant beat it, it is to strong and I am to weak, it is my parents will over mine and I wont win.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 4, 2018 8:37:03 GMT 10
more feelings about my facial pain, I get continual insights through my feelings once I open up to them more is revealed. My fear is 'Facing' the pain, I am so scared of it, facing up to it and how bad it gets, it scares me that it could get so out of control and I am so out of control. I cant control it and that scares me so much. I have not had any pain tonight, slight feelings in my face that indicate I might be going into pain again but as soon as the feelings come I express them and nothing comes of the twinges. I am scared of pain, I am scared of 'Facing' it and letting it have me, how bad is it going to get for me, I wont be able to cope with it and I will be completely overwhelmed by it.
My whole face has been in tension trying to resist pain, like it is tensed up ready for a fight, in a state of protection and defence against pain, in a constant fight or flight mode and when I relax the muscles in my face I allow myself to be open to the pain, taking down my guard and letting it in. All the time I am tensed up I am saying no to facing the pain, not allowing it, not accepting it just trying to push it away and reject it so unlovingly, I don't want it but it is a part of me. I am not allowing myself to feel or face the pain because I wasn't allowed to express it as a child so I am doing this to myself now.
Allowing such severe physical pain is so hard, to turn it all around and accept it instead of pushing it away like it is a bad thin and not allowed, as I have been taught as a child, its so hard to do.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 4, 2018 10:09:43 GMT 10
How does having severe pain make me feel?
Like it will never end for me. Like it is a living he'll of never ending pain. Like it will be with me every minute of my life, non ending suffering. I will be pains slave, I am a slave to it and kept in an impoverished state. That all I have to look forward to is nothing but this pain and I don't know how severe it will get. I see myself writhing in endless pain and wanting to be put down, someone kill me and put me out of my pain. It's all I have.not being able to enjoy life ever again. Only having pain to look forward to. I can't get out of it, I can't escape, I am trapped in it for ever, this is my life. I am controlled by a will stronger than mine and I have to do what it demands and if it wants to hurt me it can. My life is not my own. I am being controlled. I am scared of moving in case it starts up, I can't do anything I want. The pain begins when it wants to and I can't do anything. There will be no end to it. It makes me feel weak and powerless. My life is not my own, pain owns me. It can start when ever it likes and I can't stop it, I am not in control. I want to control it and stop it instead of accepting it and feeling it, I want it to stop but it won't. There is nothing I can do to stop it, it comes and goes when it wants to. A life of pain is not worth living, it's to much for me to cope with, I beg it to leave me in peace. The pain will kill me if it gets worse, I will die. I feel so angry that i have to let it hurt me. I feel so angry that i have to submit to it and cower to it, I feel so pissed off that I have no control over it and I have to let it get as bad as it wants, even kill me if it wants to.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 5, 2018 6:56:53 GMT 10
Going through more feelings of deep self hate right now. It has come as a shock for me to feel this is how I truly feel about myself as I always thought I looked ok, not to bad, but only when I was fully made up, I liked the way I looked but that wasn't the truth, I was making myself up with make up because I didn't like myself and never would have gone anywhere without make up. Now I don't wear any, I don't want to and I am now seeing how much I have hated myself and how I look. I look at myself and want to cry and I do cry. I feel so ugly now and as I felt that I had a twinge of facial pain. I feel a kind of grief for the person I used to be as all the falseness leaves me. I want to be the truth of who I am without covering it up with make up but at the same time I am sad that I am not naturally beautiful, I still believe I wont be accepted as I am, ouch, I just got another bad face pain as I felt how unacceptable I am when I don't wear make up.
I feel so denied, invisible, like I am nothing to anyone, nothing special and when I wore make up I could make myself look good so I was noticed and got all the attention I needed being my false self attracting people to the false me so they never got to know the real me. I hate myself like this, I am ugly, nothing about me is attractive. I hate myself so much today and I am feeling it so deeply that it really hurts me. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen, I am ashamed of myself, I just want to hide away and die.
I cant accept myself looking so ugly, I hate the way I look naturally, I cant love it, who could? I don't want to be seen. I don't want to exist outside of my own house, I don't want anyone to see me, I don't want to go out. I want to shut myself away, not to even look at myself in a mirror and I have started to turn the mirrors away as I cant bare it and I never knew I felt this bad all the time I was making myself up to look good, I was denying how I really felt inside, deep down and it was so hidden from me. I wouldn't let myself feel it but now it is right up in my face, literally, so literally I am having the worst facial pain as I cant stand to look at myself. Its a shock, the truth is shocking how bad I feel.
A memory has just come to me, a reminder of how much I hated myself as a child, before I was allowed to wear makeup. I hated my nose, my freckles, my red hair, my bum, oh my God I had forgotten that, I did hate myself as a child but then I discovered make up and it took away that hate, or should I say, covered it over, then I liked how I made myself look. It wasn't me, it was a painted mask I could wear to be accepted and liked to hide the truth that was rejected, I was nothing as I was naturally and now I have gone back to that nothing person and I hate her as I did then and I can feel that hate as it was back then, always wishing I could be someone else, not me but someone beautiful. I am not beautiful at all, I feel fucking awful and mundane and ugly and I want to disappear. I was made to feel like I am nothing as I am, if I didn't wear make up mum would say I am letting myself go and she would always criticise her sister for never wearing makeup and how ugly and dull she looked and she did nothing with herself, I heard it all from her and took it all in and now this is how I feel.
When people I used to know see me now, they looked shocked, I can see it in them and I feel embarrassed and ashamed and want to hide, I don't want to be seen, it hurts to much to feel their rejection and distain and judgement of me, it is just like mum and it hurts not to be accepted and loved in all of my naturalness. I have no confidence being myself without my mask on, I crumble because I feel so rejected, I want to shrivel up and die. I hate my naturalness, its gross and ugly and unacceptable.
I cant accept myself like this, there is no specialness about me, no pride in how I look, its so mundane and nothing.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 5, 2018 21:01:40 GMT 10
This morning I had a bath and noticed an angry looking mole on the side of my ankle, it was hard to get to and hard to see but it didn't look good. I didn't feel bad about it, not like the frenzy I would have been in before, I looked at it, I felt it and it was raised and blackish looking and to my amazement I didn't feel panicky, like, oh my god I have cancer, I have a cancerous mole, I would have felt like that before and have had those scares and run straight around to the doctor to get it checked out. Being a red head I am prone to them and am quite freckly. My first thoughts would have been to go and get it cut out and it will be dealt with and gone and never to be worried about again but that seems like such an awful thing to do now, to have a part of me disregarded in such a brutal and unloving way and in saying that I just had a memory of mum having one cut out of her neck, saying she felt dirty and unclean with it being there and she had to get rid of it, get it cut out so she did and now all she has is a scar where it once was. She got rid of the problem by cutting it out of her like she would do with us when we were a problem, cut us off, tell us to go and do something, go and play, go out, do our homework anything but hang around her like an annoying cancer. Not wanted until she wanted me, it was all on her terms, I was at both of their disposal whether they wanted me or cut me out. I felt constantly cut out by dad, rejected all the time and I knew that but mum was the more caring one that I went to and that is why when she wanted to cut me out, it hurt so deeply, not knowing where I stood, loved then so unloved and then loved again (using the word Love very loosely).
I could never do this to myself now, cut a part of me out and reject it so unlovingly. I don't want to do that to myself, it makes me feel sad for myself and so hurt at the rejection of a 'Bad' part of me. Its not bad, its a good part of me, its giving me feelings to help me heal and I don't want to just get rid of them by cutting it out of me. I want to keep it and love it and feel all its pain it helps me to feel, it is me and today I don't feel like I want to hate it, or kill it or get rid of it, I want this mole to help me heal by feeling all the bad/good feelings it makes me feel. Mum wanted to get rid of all the bad stuff as quickly as possible, straight down the doctors like I was before my healing, in a panic and just wanting it gone because it scared me and made me feel bad. I don't want that for myself, at least not today, I feel a great deal of compassion for myself today and don't want to reject any part of me. It could all change at any moment but right now, this is how I feel.
I have just had another look at it and I don't think it is a mole now but a scab where I have caught myself but the great thing is it has given me feelings and memories to feel and I did feel different to how I would have once felt and that is so good to me, it shows how I have changed a tiny bit and the compassion I felt for myself was a nice feeling to feel. Its a part of me and I want to take care of it no matter what it is.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 5, 2018 21:29:15 GMT 10
Through my pain I am seeing more how I lived with it ever day of my life but in my denial of it I was not aware. I was a child living with it because I had to, I had no other way of living, I couldn't answer back or say Fuck you and gain power that way, I was to scared to do that so I sucked it all in and lived with the pain inside me. As I read through some of my posts on here I am seeing how it was all of my childhood pain and repression, everything I denied feeling. I knew that anyway but I have just felt it at a deeper level and through writing it all on here now, I can see it clearer, the extent of my denied pain and I never really was aware of just how much I denied. I was living this pain every day of my young life, this is it, I am feeling it now and it is fucking amazing the extent of it all. All this pain I am expressing now is what I denied and supressed as a child. I fucking love that it is all coming up now and I am seeing the truth of how bad I felt as a child having to deny my pain.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 5, 2018 23:53:00 GMT 10
I am having a good day with my feelings today, I just cut the grass and the lawn had some cat shit from the neighbourhood cats, it didn't make me angry at having to pick it up like it usually does, I just did it without the usual feelings and also Trevor snapped at me and it just floated off of me like it was nothing, it didn't hurt me or make me angry or bring up any pain like it used to. I don't feel the same today. Nothing is making me feel to bad and those bad feelings I would have felt are like memories but I am not feeling them. Trevor and myself were having a discussion about some of his healing clients that come to him for guidance and he asked me what I thought and I could tell he wasn't even taking any of it in, he was denying me completely not taking me seriously and it didn't have the same deep pain attached to it. I just saw that he didn't really want to know what I thought at all so I stopped and removed myself from the conversation and went out to do the grass, I don't want to waste my breath on someone that isn't really interested, it is unloving to myself so I ended it instantly.
I feel very different today, good I would say.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 6, 2018 19:25:22 GMT 10
I have woke up feeling good still. Its the 6th Of November 2018 and I feel good. I haven't woke up feeling ill or any physical pain, I feel ok and it is a bit weird to say that and I know it could all change at any time but right now I feel ok/good. At intervals yesterday I was feeling surges of good feelings enter me which brought tears to my eyes, they only lasted a matter of seconds but I feel this is how Mother and Father know I can cope with them. Those fleeting moments were beautiful and so pure and subtle. I wanted more but I couldn't make it happen, not even through my longing for My Mother and Fathers divine Love. These feelings came to me in waves of subtle feeling that were out of my control and made me feel that maybe I don't have to long for Mother and Fathers Divine Love any more, they know when I am in a condition to receive them in the way that is best for me. I never got the love I longed for by asking for it from mum and dad, it never worked for me and they didn't see my longing and it has been like that with Mother and Father, I have not really received their Love by Longing for it as I never got anything I wanted in that way. I have had to wait and it comes to me when I am not prepared for it, expecting it, wanting it and so frustratingly not getting it. I have had to feel the anger of that and it has fucked me off so much, telling God they are just the same as my parents, a couple of Fuckers who are full of shit about loving me, I don't feel it from either of you. I have given up almost and it had to be that way for me because I gave up as a child, it was all futile and exhausting as it has been with Mother and Father.
These subtle flurries of love have come inbetween the longing when I never expected them to come and I want more and more and more but I have seen that even receiving Mother and Fathers love is not how I thought it would be, it is all still in keeping with how my relationship was for me with my parents as a child, it has to be that way and Mother and Father are showing my that truth of how it was. I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it, I had to wait and maybe I would get it and sometimes I did but it was all on my parents terms, they had the say in it all and this is how Mother and Fathers love comes to me, in exactly the same way, when they are ready and on their terms, it has to be that way for me because it is the truth of how it was with mum and dad, God is replicating it all the way for me, they are mirroring the truth to help me see it and heling me to feel the anger and frustration I felt in the anxiety of waiting, I was in a constant state of anxiety of waiting for what I wanted and needed and my whole life has followed this pattern, will I or wont I get it and in the back of my mind having to resign myself to the fact I probably wont. It has been the same down to the last detail, with longing for Mother and Fathers Love.
Its all so amazingly clever and so loving to do it like this, for me. I can see so clearly the way it was for me through my relationship with Mother and Father, it has been hard, frustrating, it has angered me and caused me so much anxiety and depression. Giving up with them the way I gave up with mum and dad, it was a futile relationship. I have screamed at Mother and Father in the way that I could never have done with my parents, I let them have it all, projected it all onto them. Now I am seeing more what they are doing and how it has to be for me.
I still feel I want the big one, the huge inflow of their Divine Love like I had once many years ago, I want that again but it wasn't how it happened for me with mum and dad, it was not a love that was felt in my heart it was a love in the minds of my parents to my mind and not heart to heart and it has been so hard to feel love in my heart but those so subtle flurries I have been feeling went to my heart and produced tears, that is how I know it was love, because it moved me, I felt it, it was a feeling not a thought.
Right now, I feel quite good, but feeling into it more, there is still a discontentment, a BUT. What is next, where does all of this go, I want more, it is not enough. I am impatient for the bigger thing so I will spend time feeling into that today.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 6, 2018 20:35:17 GMT 10
I feel like I want to carry on writing, I have more to express. My inpatients to want a bigger Divine Love experience is just like it has always been for me, nothing is ever enough I want more and more and I don't want to wait and it is all how it was for me with not receiving mum and dads love, because I craved love so much I got compulsive in my life, wanting more and more and being frightened of never getting so I went out and got it myself. It is exactly how I felt as a child with my parents wanting more and more from them but never getting it always being let down, deflated, despondent and disappointed I never got what I needed so I grew into an impatient child and adult wanting it all now and if I didn't make it happen I would miss out and I have been doing this with Gods Divine Love, shit it is all so obvious now, what I have been doing. I have been using my mind to make them love me and it will never work with God. It has been an unloving demand based on my fear of not getting if I don't push it with them. My mind has been so strong at getting what it wants it has been doing the same with God, its like a kind of Bullying, making them love me because of how scared I am that they never will. I cant keep it up, I am exhausted and lately I have felt like I am crumbling, even to feeling they don't even exist all because my parents love didn't exist to me, it was in my head not my heart and if its not in my heart it doesn't exist because I cant feel it. That is hoe I know my parents Love didn't exist, I didn't feel it, it was all in my head, a belief and Gods love has been the same, a belief, maybe that doesn't exist either and I have had to feel that because if my parents love didn't exist to me then how could Gods. I have been waiting for something that I don't believe exists but just hoped it did and I have had to face that truth. I didn't believe in my parents Love so I cant believe in Gods Love, it has all been a mind game, a hope, a last hope that has had to be known and given up.
Mother and Father want me to see that I don't believe in them because I didn't believe in my parents, it has to be the same as how it was for me as a child. Shit and wow. I have been praying to something I don't even believe in just hoping was true. What the FUCK!!!!
I can long for their love all I want but it wont happen because I don't believe it is there for me, it was all a fantasy of what I wanted to be true. I wanted someone to love me and thought I could skip over it all to get to God but I couldn't skip over the truth that I don't believe the exist to me or are their for me in any way and God is trying to show me this truth. None of my parents existed to me, they were there but love wasn't and I cant have something that I don't believe exists, it was all a fantasy to me, something I wanted to be true so much but the truth is it wasn't felt by me so it didn't exist, all my love has been in my mind, a fantasy like the whole of my life, not real but a made up realm that I wanted to believe was true, a total and full denial of truth.
I am impatiently wanting for something that I don't believe exists so I will be waiting for ever in that space. That is Hell, the loop of waiting and waiting in a fantasy that will never end, endless waiting, frustration, anger, anxiety as it never materialises for me, that feels like hell, to be in that forever.
As I go deeper down into my spiral of truth and I feel like I am being taken down through layers inside of myself and I don't believe God loves me, how can they, they cant to me. It all has to be how it was for me as a child and I didn't feel love, it wasn't there in me so that is how I feel about Gods Divine Love and I feel I can really accept that now. Gods Love doesn't exist to me and that feels GOOD to accept that and to admit it to myself, I have finally got to that truth and I feel the nail has been hit on the head within me.
MY PARENTS LOVE DIDNT EXIST TO ME GODS LOVE DOESNT EXIST TO ME HOW CAN IT? I DONT BELIEVE IT
That feels like the truth that I believe. I feel like I have broken through the Fantasy of Gods Love existing to me. Shit I cant believe how I have been in a Fantasy all this time, Fuck me. I have wanted to believe it is real and there for me but how could it be when I don't believe in my parents Love for me, I didn't feel it so how can I feel Gods love for me, I cant. That is why it has been so hard t long for it and not get it, I am fucked of with it, it is no good, it wont work for me because it never did with mum and dad. I was just living in hope, a dream, a fantasy. I know I am repeating myself over and over again but I have to, it is a huge revelation for me and I need to spew it out, it feels so good to break through the back of my fantasy about God.
I just felt another Flurry of love enter me, like snow floating into me, flakes of good feelings entering me. I am saying I don't believe in Gods love and it is entering me, all crazy. It is the fantasy of what I believed Gods love to be that is leaving me, the truth of Gods love is entering me, it is all doing a huge U Turn within me, my beliefs leaving and truth entering. Oh my God I am in amazement at how much of a fantasy Gods Love has been to me, I cant get over it. The truth is it hasn't existed to me, I just wanted it to so much, like Christmas and Fairies and all the other fantasy shit I have wanted to be true. Christa, my nature spirit has just winked at me and laughed as I said Fairies, my idea of fairies has been wrong. Its all wrong, none of it exists as I believe it does, just like Gods Divine Love, its all been wrong because of my relationship with my parents was wrong, all a fantasy in my mind of how I wanted and wished it could be. It was nothing like that and nor is anything else how I think it is, fuck it is all so wrong, it is all how my mind wants it to be, a fantasy.
Gods Love is a Fantasy Love of my mind because my parents love was a fantasy love of my mind, all wrong and I have been longing for Gods Fantasy love and of course, it doesn't exist so how could I feel it. No Fucking Way could I. Shit, shit, shit the Fantasy has only just cracked within me, I have had to break through this shit, my childhood fantasies to get to any truth at all. Fuck, I feel like I have been living in another realm and I have just seen real life for the first time in full colour where as before it was dull, faded and blurred. I really feel my physical vision has cleared and I don't need glasses anymore to write this, I can see the words perfectly clearly. The fog has cleared, the mist lifted and there is clarity and colour. This is a fucking miracle, I am so excited and I can see Father laughing again as he sees my happiness. What has happened to me, it is amazing, I feel so clear.
Gods Love was a fantasy I had made up so I would be loved but it was not real, It was not coming to me and I felt frustrated with trying. It wasn't real because my parents love wasn't real and I had to feel the truth of that, none of it existed, it was all made up by my mind, I had tricked myself all this time because I so wanted to believed I could be loved. No, I wasn't loved and I had to break through the Fantasy of not wanting to believe that, believing with my mind that God loved me when the truth is, to me, they don't love me as my parents don't. There is nothing wrong with that, I don't feel loved by my parents or God and now I get it, it has to be this way and I didn't want to admit it or accept it and I didn't even know that. I feel so good saying I am not loved, my parents Love and Gods Love doesn't exist to me because it was all a figment of my mind, something I had made up to believe I was loved, I wasn't and that is the truth. I couldn't be, I was making it all up.
I was longing for a fantasy love of my minds making and God wont respond to that but when I have not been expecting it, I have felt Gods love and almost not believed it because it doesn't match my minds idea of how it should feel, what a fuck up. I have probably missed it a million times because I was to wrapped in my fantasy.
As more comes about this I will write it, I just need to go now and Feel real life, like I have only just been born an hour ago as everything looks so clear now and I mean physically, amazing.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 8, 2018 20:26:57 GMT 10
The truth of how it was for me as a child is becoming ever clearer for me. I put the wrong food into my body, I hate cleaning my teeth so if I don't have to go out, I don't clean them because I hate doing it so much and always did as a child so I am not doing it every day only when I want to, I don't wash my hair as often as I used to because I hate doing that too so once a week is just about manageable, I don't clean the house only when it is unbearable to me and there is so much more that I no longer do because I hated doing it as a child and I have been doing it as an adult because I feel I have to and I wont be liked if I don't do it, people will not love the real slob that I am and now I am being it and as I have become that truth of how I feel, I am seeing that I don't care about anything or anyone, especially myself. This has been a great breakthrough feeling for me today as I can now see, as I am being it more and being true to it, that this is how it was for me as a child, I hated doing all these things and still do but was denying it and doing them, being untrue because the truth is unacceptable.
I don't really care about myself because my parents didn't really care and they were just pretending, as I have been, I am them all over, faking it all. They didn't really care about me but they were just going through the motions of what they thought they had to do with children pretending to love them but they believed it was true, how can it be when a child is taught not to care about herself, because she can feel and see that her parents don't care about her, that is what I got from them and it is the truth because my feelings are now showing this to me so clearly. I am being as uncaring and as unloving to myself as my parents were to me. They didn't care if I didn't clean my teeth, or have a bath or have a clean shirt to wear for school every day, they were ok to let me have a dirty collar on my shirt that every one took the piss out of, shit that was awful, the fuckers. They were ok with me being a bit dirty and grimy and then they would tell me off for not having a bath or cleaning my teeth, my dad even put me over his knee and smacked me for it and I was so scared I peed myself. They taught me how to not care, love, respect or treat myself lovingly, there was no love and that is what I am being now, all the bullshit has dropped off and I have stopped doing all those things I felt I had to do every day like brushing my teeth, having a bath, washing my hair, cleaning the house, all of those things have grind to a halt and I am now the opposite of all of that pretence, I am now going back to how I was as a child, getting back to the truth of how it was for me so I can see it clearly by being it, being the truth of it not running from it because it was so unbearable to accept that I am this person and I feel like a cave man inside and am looking like one too. In my forming years they didn't bother with me in a loving way, to teach me to care about myself and look after my self with any love, it was all just a chore and I hated it all, I didn't care about myself because they didn't, if it was in me to love and care about myself, if I had felt I was loved and cared for I would not be shoving shit food into me, to numb the pain or not caring about myself, I would do it all naturally because I was so loved and cared about from the beginning but that wasn't the truth.
I cant believe I have got to this state but I have had to, it is the truth of how I was parented and I have had to see it all clearly to know the truth and it has come about all through how I feel and how I denied those feelings because I wouldn't be loved like this, because to be like this I couldn't have been loved and I don't feel it right now, I feel depraved of all care so I cant care about myself in any way and that is the truth of me. I am grotty, really grotty as I sit here, its not pretty and it wont be accepted but it is the truth of me and how I was parented in my forming years.
I feel like a little girl who is just on the edge of being dirty and smelly, mum wouldn't have let it go to far because of what people might say so as a child she would do something about it when it got to noticeable and plonk all three of us in the bath together, not one at a time but me, my sister and my brother all in together. I feel like that neglected little girl. I have never enjoyed caring for myself but always had to do it so I never got like that again, it has always been a chore for me, to brush my teeth ever day and night, I did it but hated it, showering every day, I did it but hated it such a chore to dry myself, I hated that bit as a child, having to dry myself and feeling cold and wet. All these things I forced myself to do every day because I felt I should but hated doing it all so now I am not doing any of it and being the truth of my unloved state and it aint pretty. I am being like mum was with me and doing it when it gets to bad and I know it all sound gross and it is but it is the truth and I want to heal it so this is the truth of how it was for me in my forming years.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 9, 2018 1:25:06 GMT 10
I feel really bad about how personal every thing I write is, it is so personal and makes me feel so ashamed of myself and like no one will ever like me because of the feelings I write about myself, every one will know the truth and it is awful. I don't want to keep it all to myself and my writing journals and God, I want it out there to help anyone else who may want to do it because it is so hard to do it alone like I am doing. After I have written something so personal I feel like I have done something really bad, like admitting it is very bad and I should keep all of this shit to myself and I can hear my mum saying to me "what the hell do you think you are doing telling everyone this stuff about you and us, your embarrassing yourself and us, take it off and never do it again". I feel naughty because my parents words ring in my head that I shouldn't be doing it but I want to be true and honest and feel all of the shame I need to feel by being true, the truth makes me ashamed of myself so I have to lie but I want that to all change now and my personal stuff has to come out, that is just how I feel. To have to consider them in everything I do and say is horrible it supresses me and my expression having to worry what they might think about what I do or say and because of me worrying about how they feel, I now worry about how everyone feels about me, fuck them, its horrible to be in such a state of worrying all the time about how others feel about me.
Everything I have done is so I am seen to be a good person who is nice and tidy and looks after herself but I don't want to, its not true and it is not who I am in all of my damage, I am fucked and I want to be the truth of that fucked up state and I am not nice its just a pretend me who will be accepted be all if she is nice, smiley and polite when really I want to scream Fuck Off and I hate you all, I am dark and ugly and have no love to give anyone or anything, it is all an act put on to please my parents and now I have to please you because, to me, you are them, everyone is them.
I am sick of being nice all the time, I a scared of hurting anyone or upsetting them being how I truly am, I am so programmed to be nice it is sickening and a lie but it is all I can be for now. I am still so wrapped up in that programme it is so hard to be true, I am so frustrated that I just went to the shop and didn't feel particularly happy but I put on this full smile to the check out girl and said thank you and it was such a Lie, I don't need to smile and be so ice to every one. I walked away feeling so angry at myself for being so sickeningly nice, for fuck sake cant I just try to not smile, NO I CANT, it is so automatic in me that it just happens when I don't even feel like it and its going to be so hard to break it so I have to keep being it and feeling the anger and frustration of not being how I truly feel, which is not happy or having to fake smile all the time. I feel so hopeless and useless that I will always be this way with everyone and should come with a warning sign stuck to me "don't trust this girl, she is not really happy" or something like that anyway.
If I am not nice or don't smile I am scared of offending someone or they might feel hurt that I didn't respond in kind in the smile at me in their fakeness, my fakeness has to pander to their fakeness so we are both being totally fake to each other, how fucked up. I feel like screaming that I will never get out of this loop as I catch my self doing it again and again because I have to keep everyone happy, mum and dad happy so they don't feel any pain.
I am beginning to know the truth of my true state and it is not nice and I am scared shitless of people and I go around smiling and humming a tune to say to them that I am a nice person so please don't hurt me, I am scared of constantly being attacked if I am grumpy and miserable which is how I feel but am to scared to show it in case I get attacked for it. and if I do, it will be because that is how it was for me as a child, I wasn't allowed to be grumpy of horrible or miserable. It is all such a huge back to front mess.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 9, 2018 9:26:06 GMT 10
Everything I wouldn't let myself be, is who I am. Everything I denied about myself, is who I am. It is all becoming so clear to me, clearer every minute as more revelation opens up to me. The truth of who I am is getting closer in some ways but still so far away in others as some of it I still cant accept but it is changing faster all the time as I feel more of my feelings. I am pretty vile and that vileness has been there in me all the time but just so denied as I do all I can to try and not be that vile person and pretend I am someone else, someone so much better than the truth of my untruth. I want to be all of my untruth, I want to be true to it and it is not easy breaking through all of my bullshit of who I think I should be, who I have been taught to be to be loved and accepted by my parents. I am becoming the unloving truth that I really am, all of my pain is being shown to me through how I feel and I am seeing and feeling it so much clearer.
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Post by James on Nov 10, 2018 18:32:46 GMT 10
Hi Sam, again I am grateful for you posting such personal information, exposing yourself that way can be hard, at first I didn’t care, however I’m not so sure anymore that I want to do it as much now I’m more sensitive to my feelings. I love all you said about taking care of yourself. I gave up showing leaving it to only once a week because I hated it so much, it was such a drag, even hurt my arms having to wash my hair for so long when it got thick. I am so weak and pathetic; Marion’s give up any housework, I vacuum once a blue moon, we’ve got splatters all over the walls, were I to look at renting our place, I’d think, how disgusting, how can people live like that, being so dirty, but it’s our dirt, you can used to it, even bloody fond of it, so fuck it. Now I’ve changed my days at the BB, I go on Wednesday and Saturday, so they are my shower days, I don’t want to be too smelly in the world, I hate smelling other people who stink, and I don’t want to wear deodorant, so my life now makes me shower twice a week - so I’ve doubled my weekly showers! And like how it was for you, mum and dad made it all so unfriendly, I hated it all, having to do chores, there was never any feeling of this is part of my life, being proud about looking after the house, keeping myself clean, it was do it or be punished, so giving up having to do it is such a relief. Letting go the restraints slowly, breaking down, we read about the aborigines living on the earth, in summer they lived with fleas all over them, but their skin was tough, they didn’t care, it was just what happened, they probably didn’t even see it as a bad thing or get bitten, they were just part of nature, like how the creatures are.
Marion said today that she adores all her afflictions, she loves them, she doesn’t want them to go, they are her friends, she never wants to do anything to try and change or stop them, they are all what the Father wants her to have and she is more than happy, almost ecstatically happy, to have them. For me she goes against everything. Mentally I can understand where she’s coming from, but I thought - wrongly, as it’s turning out by looking at her, that as we progressed in our Healing we’d take care of it all, heal everything, so all our afflictions would fade as we liberated all our repressed yuk. So now to think that we can liberate it and then being more true means we will love and be happy and accepting of all our afflictions, with all of ourselves in each moment, complete happy acceptance and no self-denial, is making me adjust my mind - yet again. And why not, why not be happy in all your afflictions if that’s what God wants, who says it has to be anything different? So whether they end up going or not, even if you die from them, all so long as we keep expressing any bad feelings, then the rest takes care of itself.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 10, 2018 19:22:23 GMT 10
over the last couple of days I have been sinking deeper into my pointless existence. I don't care about myself at all and my hole life has been about pretending I do because that is the acceptable thing to do. I don't care one bit about myself and that is the truth. I haven't got dressed for two days, barely getting out of bed, even my hair smells horrible now but I cant be bothered to wash it, what's the point. I feel so pointless and like it is the end for me. It constantly feels like it is the end of the road when there is no love and I am not cared about and it felt like that as a child I just didn't know how to express it, I constantly felt like I was going to die because I didn't feel cared about and that was the reason for my life long panic attacks, I had to protect myself from death that I felt would happen every day because without love there is NOTHING, it is a constant ending and I am feeling that ending now and there is no point in doing anything. I don't feel depressed, I just feel nothing, the nothingness I wouldn't let myself feel all my life, now it has to be felt.
I have no care for myself, no love, I am just here for everyone else. I don't come into it, I am here to serve others all the time like I had to be there and serve and obey my parents. I have no worth but am just waiting continually in a space of nothing until I am wanted, until I am of use and service other than that I have no purpose and I don't know why I am here. I feel empty and hollow to myself.
Every day is the same, I get up, I go to the loo, I put my glasses in my dressing gown pocket and walk downstairs and sit on my settee with my red blanket and put it over me and sometimes I stay there all day, the settee has my indentation in it and is old now but I cant bare to part with it, it is mine, it is familiar to me only, it fits me. If my children or Trevor come in they know exactly where to find me, nothing changes from day to day, I am that predictable and boring. There is a nagging in my mind to go and get dressed, bathed and all of that but I cant be bothered, for what?? The voice is mum telling me to go and do all those things, not to just laze about all day but I want to laze about, I don't want to do any of those things she says, so I don't now, I don't have to any more and I only did them because she said and that command is still in me telling me its wrong to not care about myself, go and bath, wash my hair, clean my teeth and get dressed, look after myself yet she doesn't realise that it was she that taught me to be like this and not care about myself, she didn't care through my forming years and she has forgot and the other week she told me of how her mother was lazy and messy and didn't care about them, didn't look after them very well and the house was never cared about and she said it was horrible and has always stayed with her but she couldn't be any different to her own mother but has forgotten or is in complete denial of how she was with us as a young mum, she was like that and I had the same feelings and memories about her, exactly the same and that is how I was as a young mum, rubbish, fucking rubbish at it all, not caring just the same as the other women in our family, I got it from them.
Now I am being the truth of that, I don't care about myself the way all the women in my lineage didn't care and none of them will like the truth I am now being, I can feel them in spirit running from me screaming with their hands over their ears not wanting to know the truth, well I am it you fuckers. This is what you lot have created and taught the new women in you lineage to be like, uncaring, unloving, useless fucks and I hope they all can hear me and I hope the truth hurts them, burns them, and cripples them the way it cripples me.
Shit I feel so uncared about as I sit in my uncaring condition and mess, this is it, this is the truth of how unloved I was and it has nothing to it and I cant even explain how it feels it is so empty. There is no where else to go from here but to sit in it and be it for as long as it takes, I feel like a tramp in my own home, I cant be bothered to do anything any more, its all pointless, there is no love in anything so why do it. That is how I felt as a child but was forced into doing things by my parents, they wouldn't let me be the truth of how I really felt because I wouldn't do anything and that wasn't allowed. I am now being how I felt back then, I am not doing anything and being as pointless as I felt back then without the push from mum and dad to do stuff, I don't have that now, I can just sit in the truth of how I felt back then and now. I don't want to do anything at all, nothing holds any interest for me, it is all pointless and unloving anyway so there is no point to doing it. I spend most of my time not doing anything and not even moving from my couch, just to go loo or eat and I do sometimes worry that I am getting so unfit and I might even seize up because of my lack of any real exercise, it even hurts to go upstairs sometimes and then I feel really bad that my nothing condition is going to end in my not moving or walking and just being crippled because of my unloved state and how it has led me to not move any more and my muscles seize up on me because they are not being used anymore. If I did end up like that it would be more truth of how unloved I felt as a child, not being able to move for myself, my will even being taken to do that simple task.
Sometimes my mind comes in (which is my mum because now I can feel who it is supressing me, either mum or dad) and tells me to get an exercise bike (that is mum for sure, dad is way to lazy for that)or start doing some simple exercises or go walking like she does, join her walking group, or even do house cleaning, that is like a work out, my mind is full of my parents telling me what to do to not be like this, to deny how I really feel. I cant do any of that mind stuff, I just want to sit in my truth of how it was for me and not do anything to deny it, so I am being the useless blob that my parents would be horrified about me being, they loved the happy, successful, pretty me, that kept them feeling good about themselves, this me, the truth, they stay away from, they hate it, they just want me to go back to being who they feel comfortable with, I have had a break down to them, but to me I have had a break through just by being the truth of how I really felt as a child and it has come down to this blob in a pink dressing gown on the settee doing nothing every day, the same. This is the truth of how they made me feel, like to myself, I am nothing, I have no worth, I am an empty shell of a person, without them telling me what to do I am nothing, without me being who they want me to be I am nothing, on my own and to myself I am nothing. The real me wasn't seen or cared for only their fantasy of me, the fantasy I believed in for all my life, I cared for that and loved how that fantasy looked and fed that fantasy with good hair, the right diets, great expensive make up, the latest fashion, great shoes, Partying and drinking with friends, I built that fantasy and fed it with all it needed because that was loved and cared about so I had to maintain it to keep that attention going. Now the fantasy had died and gone I am left with the truth and it is dark and grey and ugly and smelly and drab and reclusive and over eats and lazy and uninteresting, doesn't care about herself and in a pretty poor condition that I feel is only fit for the Hells, that is how it feels everyday now that fantasy life has crumbled and I am just left with me and there is nothing, I am nothing and that is what all of that fantasy life was covering up, the fact I felt like nothing inside so had to claw all of these addictions to me, to make me feel like something where as the truth was, I felt like nothing but didn't want to feel it, it was always there but I buried it deep and now it is all I am left with. NOTHING which feels like the end of the road, which the truth of being unloved and uncared for, there is no where else to go, it is a depraved existence that is a space I have to sit in until I have fully felt it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 13, 2018 19:50:09 GMT 10
so many pains, yesterday I had the worst and most severe pain in my left shoulder blade, it went right deep into me like I had been speared or had a huge nail driven through me. I was in so much pain I had to just sit on the steps that go upstairs in my house, I couldn't move or breath properly, I was paralysed in fear that if I move I will make it worse and today I have terrible pain in my right foot toes, right the way across them but deep inside, like rheumatism, shit it hurts to move or bend them and the pain is creeping up my foot, I can feel it now and if I move them I make it hurt so much and on both days I have prayed to Mother and Father to help me feel the truth and last night I was talking to Mary telling her all of my feelings and what came up in me is how I blame myself for the pain and in both cases I have had the feeling that if I move I will make it worse for myself. I blame myself for it, for making it worse and I can see my mum telling me to "Sit still, stop fidgeting, stop moving, you will make it worse" all the blame put on me and now I do it to myself. I have been able, through this pain, to see how much I blame myself for my pain and others and it is up to me to put it all right.
I was in pain and it was my fault, I was getting blamed for it yet I was in pain and wanted care and sympathy but got blame and took that blame on through out my life. I now feel like it is down to me to solve everyone's problems and fix it all so no one has to feel pain, like it is all my fault. I am now taken back to times when I was a child and a little boy squeezed my fingers so tightly that one of them broke and I had to get them strapped up, I didn't tell anyone about him because I didn't want him to get in trouble, I blamed myself for it, I said I hit my hand on the wall and it was my fault because I felt I had to protect him from being blamed and being in trouble. It was always my fault, mum and dad never once saw what they were doing to me by subtly, so subtle I would have missed it if I was not doing my feeling healing, they were never taking responsibility but putting the blame else where, on their children. Now I have grown up to be a guilty person, like it is always my fault, someone bums into me or hurts me and I am the one to apologise for it, I do it all the time and it fucks me off and I walk away feeling like I am such a hopeless case, as I blame myself again for something that was not my fault. Fuck its annoying to be so pathetic and grovelling to everyone because that is how I had to be to my parents, fuck them.
I feel like I have to blame myself for all pain, it is in me to do that, put in me by my parents. My pain in my toes is there and if I move them it will hurt and be my fault, I am making it worse as mum said to me as a kid. I am to blame for all pain and I have to put it right, that is what I believe and that is why I wanted to be a healer throughout my new age phase in life, doing all of these healing practices so I could make it all good for everyone because it was my fault they were in pain, I am to blame. The worlds pain is my fault so I have to fix it. Fuck I really feel like that now I am feeling it. I wanted to be a nurse to heal everyone so they wouldn't feel pain any more and that was when I was very young and every thing I have done is to make people feel better because of the blame that was put on me since my conception. Mum was pregnant again, I was to blame, shit another baby we cant afford, I was to blame, oh no its a girl and we already have one of those, I am to blame and now they blame me for splitting up the family because I told mum and dad how I feel about them, mum says I have caused this and it is up to me to put it right, well fuck them both. Look at what they have done to me, made me feel like I have to heal the world because I am to blame. What a lot of terrible guilt to put on a child and they have no idea and would thing I am totally made for what I am saying here. My feelings are telling me the truth of how it was for me, all through these pains I have had over the last couple of days and when I moved I made it worse, it was my fault if it got worse.
I have always felt guilty and that I will be blamed for anything that goes wrong, I will be the first one to blame, I feel like everyone is looking at me and pointing the finger. This goes so deep and right from the beginning of my existence, I can feel it, how I was blamed in the womb, how I felt guilty for making their lives even more difficult as another baby came along, it was my fault and it wasn't anything exciting because I was another girl and they wanted a boy so they named me after my grandad Samuel. I was a let down and disappointment, I was to blame for their let down and it would have been so special if I had been a boy. Mum was pregnant with me, their 2nd child now they had two girls and dad felt like a failure again because he didn't have a boy, an heir. He didn't connect with me at all, I was nothing but a pain and that is how I have always felt to him, a pain and I am to blame for his pain. I made it all worse for them, like the pain in my toes, I make it worse by moving them, I make it all worse, it is my fault and I am to blame, that is the guilt I carry and I have always felt I have to make them happy because of this guilt I carry from being conceived, it is my fault and that conception only feels like yesterday as I feel it, me sparking into life so they have someone to blame for their shit. I feel like I carry it all in me and I do.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 13, 2018 21:58:09 GMT 10
I am sitting here on my couch feeling like shit, like a nothing, useless thing. What is the fucking point of me. The more layers of bullshit that I peel away I am being left with a hopeless, useless thing with a pulse. I am nothing, I feel like nothing, there is nothing to me, my mind cant go anywhere, it has come to a dead end, there is nothing. I feel like I have had a lobotomy, I am just a vacant nothing who has pain when she moves, so I don't move. Is this what I am left with, this nothingness, is this what mum and dad gave me, Nothing because this is all I am left with, nothing has stayed with me, its all gone so they gave me nothing. Nothing that my soul needed, nothing from them has stayed in me to be of any use to me, if there was love it would have stayed but it has all gone, I don't feel anything but my pain, there is nothing good in me from them. This is the truth, I am left empty of all they filled me with because it was not love, it was of no use to my soul, they gave me nothing to keep and now I feel empty and in a state of nothing. I cant believe that none of what they filled me with is of any use, it has all had to go because it is not love and no good to my soul, my soul wants love so it has emptied all that is not love out. What do I do with this? where do I go from here? this is what they have left me with!
I cant stop saying it, they gave me nothing so I am now feeling the truth of that, I have to feel nothing because it is the truth of our relationship and all my relationships have been based upon this and they have all been nothing, of no love because not one bit of any loving feeling is left in me. They gave me nothing that was any use to me, my soul and I am clearing it out, fucking amazing, this is amazing. I still don't know what to do with it but it is amazing. I am feeling the truth of how it was for me as a child, there was no connection, no love, there was nothing. Where there is no love, there can only be nothing and that is what I am feeling now.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 14, 2018 1:01:04 GMT 10
I am so tired and I feel like I a coming down with something, my throat is getting scratchy and I am weak, oh my god, what next. I am so fucked of with feeling this bad and it can change at any moment, all being how it was as a child never knowing how it was all going to be.
My son came round and we got talking about anger and he reminded me of a time when they were both young and we were round my parents house and my dad lost his temper with Faye, my youngest, at the time she was only 4 or 5. My son reminded me that he went to rage at her and I stepped in and took her away and told him to leave her alone and the memory has really upset me and as soon as my son went, I came down feeling weak and ill. It was the very rage I was always scared of as a child, it wasn't like that all the time but when he got angry it was so scary, my son said he remembered seeing Faye cower in the corner as he raged at her, she was terrified and that is how I feel about him too, I cower to his rage and everyone's rage, I am so scared of confrontation because of him, I couldn't confront him.
I feel like that weak child now as this ill feeling has come over me, I am shrouded in the feeling of weakness and powerlessness that he made me feel as a child. Shit I feel so awful, like I want to just shut down, curl up in a ball and hide. I feel so helpless like there is nothing I can do about anything, I cant save myself, my children or anyone, life is too horrible and scary I just want to give up, every thing is pain. I am exhausted with feeling bad with seeing the depths of my pain, it is so deep and horrible as more shit comes up, now I have this awful memory to feel about and it is upsetting me to remember it, how the sadness of my dad being so unloving on minute and then caring the next, but of course, none of it was real. How could he turn against us so quickly and be so scary and then do it to my children like he owned them. I just want to die, I am so desperately saddened by this memory of how unloving he is. I feel deep desperation to tell him to stop, stop being so unloving and scary, just stop hurting us, you don't have to be like this. But of course he does, it is how his father was to him, even worse, he was beaten and hated by his father. Its all so sad, so unloving and such a waste.
I feel really weak and ill now as this sadness takes hold of me, the disappointment of not being loved. God, I want to cry for ever at this awful memory that I had forgotten and my son has brought it to me to remember and to feel. It carries on from my earlier post about my parents having nothing to give to me emotionally and that is why I feel so nothing now. This memory my son has raised in me proves that my feelings are right, they had nothing to give me, no love to make me feel like 'something' it was all about power, wanting power over me and over my children and to leave me feeling ill and weak and I have been ill all my life and this is why, they had nothing for my soul, nothing good for me, nothing good to give me just their pain from how it was for them as children, nothing good to give me or my children just fear and power. I feel sick, really sick inside with this memory and I am so grateful for it, I can feel more of my pain and find more truth.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 15, 2018 18:25:10 GMT 10
I want to clean my teeth all the time, I love doing it, I love my teeth. I have been cleaning them when ever I feel like it and I love doing it. I don't want to ruin them by eating sugary foods so I have no longing to eat at the moment, all of my cravings have gone and I can by pass breakfast and lunch if I feel I don't want to eat. I feel a compassion for myself and I want to look after myself, it is so good to feel like this. I have a really deep feeling of sympathy for myself and I want to cuddle me and care for me like a parents should to her child. I don't feel I want to neglect myself like I have done, I want to have a bath, wash my hair, eat when I want to not when I am constantly craving food, I don't have those cravings at this time, it could all change but for now, I want to look after myself as my feelings lead me to. I don't feel I want to hurt myself in any way I just feel so sorry for me and all I have been through.
I feel like I want to cry for myself as I feel such a sympathy and compassion at all of the rejection. I feel like I am finally on my side, well, for now anyway.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 16, 2018 21:05:33 GMT 10
Today I have woke up feeling so useless again. I am back down in my nothingness, a million miles away from how I felt yesterday. Over night I have been thinking about all I have done in my life and seeing that I have only ever gone as far as my parents would allow me to as a child, not to far away in all areas of my life, I have to stay in their view so they can see me and know where I am at all times. Every success I believe I have had has all been dictated by them and in their parameters of what they would allow me to do. I have never wondered out of that, I wouldn't know how to and I still don't. It feels like there is a invisible wall around every aspect of my life that I can only go so far and then I have to reign it in as it is going over mum and dads borders for me. I don't know what is on the other side and I don't know how to get there.
Every thing I have done is within their safety boundaries, even the bad stuff, they did it first, I am living in their pattern and not going any further than they did and it makes me angry that I am such a spineless shit, so pathetic that I need mummy and daddy to hold my hand, still, in all I do. I am so scared of life that is outside their boundary walls, I will die if I go out there, they didn't so I mustn't. I am so angry that I can only be them in all that I do, I cant be me, only them. I am stuck in them and I feel constantly trapped in their experiences because I cant go any further than they did in life so I am stuck at their wall, sitting at the bottom of it wandering what is on the other side but to shit scared to go through, I cant anyway. I am now stuck here and cant go any further. I am so trapped by their experiences that I cant go any further than they did in life, which is nowhere!! I feel like I am stuck in Nowhere.
How does being so stuck make me feel? Useless and like its the end, like I am dying and don not exist. like I cant go any further in life only as far as mum and dad say or something very bad will happen. I don't feel like I can trust it all, anything outside of them I cant trust and I have to get their approval on everything or it will go bad, they are the ones I trust to tell me what I can trust. I don't know what to trust of myself and it is scary not to have my own trust determining what is good or bad, right or wrong, I just don't know for myself. I feel so fucking useless today, like I have no guidance in life and it is scary. I am very stuck. I cant go any further. I feel like smashing the fuck out of the invisible wall of mum and dad, I am so frustrated that I cant go any further, of myself, I cant move they kept me so reigned in to them. I cant break through them and their boundaries. I am scared to drive to far in fear of getting hopelessly lost, I don't feel safe in the big towns and cities on my own, they have instilled it into me that I cant do it without them I will not be safe so don't go. I cant swim because they cant, I have tried and I just cant trust that I will be safe if I do, they cant swim so it cant be safe and I mustn't do it. So many fears that are their fears and are now mine because I believed them.
I can only go as far as my parents will allow me to in all that I do, I cant be any different than that no matter how much I may try, or how much I hate it I can only be as they are and it is all so fucking hopeless and I hate it this way. I don't want to be them, I want to be as far away from them as I can, I want to run away but no matter where I go I will only go as far as they will let me go and this truth makes me feel so trapped and caught by them.
I cant go anywhere, I am like a prisoner who keeps trying to escape from her captures, it is futile, they keep finding me and bringing me back to them. I might as well give up I cant win, I am theirs and now I am feeling dead, like I have just died because of the hopelessness of it all. I am theirs and all I do is them in me, there is no escaping.
I go to do something and feel how it is them doing it through me, so what is the point in doing it so I stop. Everything I do is like this, it is all them, none of it me so what is the point, I can feel them in me doing it all, it is what they want. I feel nothing is me so what is the point in having a life when I am living it for them, I don't feel like there is anything of me in my life, I am doing it all for them, it is what they like and want to do. I feel so trapped today, in them and everything is pointless because it is their will doing it and I have given my will to them and let them take over, I have no idea who I am without them and it is scary to be without them now and beyond this invisible wall of theirs is me and I cant see any future in that, there is nothing in that place for me, without them, they have made it that way. I feel so lost today.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 18, 2018 0:00:30 GMT 10
I am so bored again, sitting in the same place, not even dressed because I have nothing to get dressed for. I am so bored and I don't know what to do or where this is going to go. I feel like I will be sitting in this forever, I cant see anything else for me. I am so bored. I don't know what to do with myself, do I just sit here for the rest of my life, doing nothing, I cant see what else there is for me and I know I am repeating myself but this is how I feel, like a bored, uninteresting, nothing person who no one knows exists and it feels so lonely and rejecting. I might as well not exist. Anything I do will only be done to stop me feeling bored, it will be an avoidance of feeling, more denial so I just sit here feeling how horrible boredom is, it is Nothing.
I am in a place of not doing, not growing I have come to a complete stop of everything because everything I was doing was untrue so it has had to end and that is how it feels, I have nothing left that is true and real and that nurtures my soul, it has all gone, so what do I do now?? Just sit and feel how this feels to be left with nothing, to have nothing left that was real. It was all fake and has to go so I am left not knowing what my soul, myself. I don't know what is next because I have nothing in me left. This is how alone I felt as a child, with nothing to fulfil me or satisfy me because nothing was real or true, I feel the same now, its the same boredom, waiting, anxious feeling, waiting for something to come, to excite me, to change me but nothing will come from outside of me, I have to feel my way out of it and I feel that could take forever because I cant see anything else for me.
Yet again I feel like I cant go any further in life, I am stuck here at the foot of my invisible wall that I cant break through, I have gone as far as I can like this. I am doing the same shit every day, its the same routine and if I try to change it, that is no good, it will be using my mind to get out of the loop I am in and I don't want to do that, I want to feel my way out so real change can happen. This boredom feels so futile, like I am in prison and I am doing the same routine every day, just as it was for me as a child, going to school, coming home, doing homework, having dinner, going to bed, then the same the next day, waking up at 7am by mum calling me, oh my god that fucking voice, I can hear the unloving drone of it as she goes into each of our rooms like a prison warden waking up the cell mates and hearing the moans from each of them. The same loop of hell every day, how the fuck does any child do it!! then we grow and it goes on for the rest of our lives but instead of our parents calling us to get up, it is the alarm clock and our bosses, we never get away from being parented.
I am so bored, so fucking bored, bored, bored, bored, bored and more bored. I have nothing to do and no where to go, I feel empty and hopeless and pointless like a nothing person that doesn't exist. I am not interested in anything but feeling and even being bored is like a distraction from feeling, I am in an empty space, not feeling. I am so bored. I don't feel I have anything, I am not connected to anything, it feels like I am pretending I am alive but really I am constantly bored which is how I spent my childhood, doing everything not to feel my boredom. Now I cant do that anymore, I am sitting here expressing it instead of going off doing stuff to not have to feel it. It feels lonely, I cant feel any deepness in me to anything, its all floating about on the surface, nothing real. I don't feel real, I don't feel my soul, no heart or depth to me I am just always waiting to be amused from the outside, for someone to bring it because I cant fulfil myself. I am alone and that is boring, I want someone, some connection, I don't feel any connection with anyone, ever, it is all just on the surface of me, I don't feel them which is how it was with mum and dad, I never felt them so I was not fulfilled, I was always looking for that connection that I never felt with them. I was anxiously looking for it in every relationship and everything I did but it always left me bored because I couldn't find the feeling, the connection that I desired to feel. It wasn't there from my beginning and I have been searching for it all my life from outside of me. I am empty and bored with no connection to anything in life, nothing satisfies me, I have such a deep feeling of being unsatisfied with life because I never was satisfied by my parents love, I never felt it and it has left such a anxiety in me to find it and when I don't, I am left bored.
I am constantly asking Mother and Father to help me while I am writing this, I am never leaving them out of my healing.
I am now feeling the sadness of being such a bored child, sitting there in my play pen filled with toys but I don't want them, I want mum but I cant have her and when I am not satisfied with the toys, I cry and she gives me biscuits or food to pacify me, or a dummy, anything but her. I use food to stop me feeling bored as an adult, just like mum did when I was a baby, she taught me that food will make it all better, will quieten me and calm me and fix all of my pain so feel is my answer to everything because it was hers. I have found myself wanting to eat during writing this, to alleviate my boredom and satisfy me, all the substitutes mum used so she didn't have to give of herself. She was what I needed, if she was there for me then none of this would be happening, I would feel content with myself because I was wanted and loved by them both, not just mum, I never remember dad picking me up. There was no real love connection so I am empty inside, empty of love and feeling connected to anything, which I cant be without love, love is the connection to all and I don't have it so I sit here as bored as when I was in my playpen, I haven't changed, I feel the same today as I did back then. How wonderful it would have been to be wanted and loved and picked up and not to be given substitutes for my parents, but them to have wanted to give themselves to me, that we were that connected to each other that I would have lived my life full of the surety of their love for me, that I was so sure I was so wanted by them that there was no doubt in me that I was loved, I would have felt so safe in life. But that is all bullshit dreaming, it wasn't like that although I believed it was but it is only through my feeling healing that I have discovered the truth because how I feel and have felt all my life but denied.
"I am so bored Mother and Father, so bored and I feel so unloved and alone and that life is just washing over me and not touching my heart because it cant, I have no connection to anything because I have no connection to love, it isn't in me and it wasn't in me right from my conception. I feel nothing because I was given nothing true, I don't feel any truth in me so I am empty. I don't feel I will ever get out of this boredom like I am stuck here, in it just waiting for mum or dad to come and do something with me, but it never comes, not with any true love feeling that I can feel in my heart. I just want to curl up and cry in my eternal misery of boredom that will never change for me. I feel so hopeless to change, I don't feel I will ever feel love in my heart, it is made of stone and it is cold. I feel terrible today Mother and Father, like I will never feel love".
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 18, 2018 0:35:25 GMT 10
Why do we give our children toys, sweet foods and drinks, iphones and x boxes and tv's? All so we don't have to give our self to them, give them anything to shut them up so we, the parents don't have to spend time with them and actually connect.
I have done just the same as what my parents did to me, to my children, I have given them everything, thrown the lot at them all so I didn't have to give any of myself, my time to them. I wanted to carry on doing what I wanted to do with out them interrupting just the same as it was for me as a child, it couldn't be any different. Now I can see how awful I was as a parent, fucking awful and every birthday and Christmas, throwing more shit at them so I can move further and further away from them and just immerse them in stuff, not me, not love. I didn't have love to give to them so I bought substitutes just as my parents did to me, toys and food and stuff. Now my children buy their own stuff to keep them amused and satisfied because what they really needed was never their in them, my love, that connection with me and I thought I was such a good parent giving them all they needed but missing the only thing they every needed, my love and connection.
I have done it all so wrong, I have missed it completely with them and now it is to late, the damage has been done and I feel so awful at what I have done to them, I can see it, they cant, yet!! We have talks about it but they don't want to believe it, but I see the consequences of what I have done to them, I see it in everything they do and to watch it is agony and that agony is the consequence of what I have done to them, I am paying for it in pain as I watch them live their lives, I cringe, and want to retract into myself as I see it all, and this is what is called normal living but its not, its all wrong, its what I have taught them and put into them from conception and it is bad, very bad and I have to just let them live it, I have left them with such pain as I heal myself and I feel terrible, like a monster who has caused such pain that my children are still pretty unaware of, and then I say well I am off now to heal myself, leaving them with all of the shit I have caused in them, its so bad and so wrong and feels torturous inside of me, as it should and when they come to do their healing, they will see it all and hate me and I will be glad they do, at last, because now they will be living in the truth of what I have done to them, instead of the denial they are in now but I cant interfere with that denial, we talk about so much of my healing and they like it but I cant force them to understand. They still love me and are still in the illusion that I have been the best mother, as I was with mine, but it is wrong and untrue and only through their feeling healing will they know the truth. I know the truth now of what a bad mother I was, but they don't want to know that, it hurts them to believe it is true about me, but it is true and I hat knowing it, and them not, it is like I know something they don't, I am lying to them but they don't want to hear me yet, it is all to come for them.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 18, 2018 1:32:53 GMT 10
"Mother and Father please help me, I feel so empty inside, so, so empty, please, please help me feel the truth of my emptiness. I just want to go and fill this emptiness with anything it hurts so much, I need food to fill it, to take it away because it is so empty and painful. Please Mother and Father help me I am in so much pain at how empty I feel, like a huge vacuum of space that is hollow and empty and wants filling, it is so painful I cant stand to feel like this anymore, please help me, Please give me your love to fill me, please help me Mother and Father I am so desperate to be filled. Please help me feel the truth of my emptiness and pain, please help me to get it all out of me Mother and Father I feel so hollow inside and vacant, there is nothing in me and I feel crazy, frenzied to get this emptiness filled. I am holding myself and rocking like a mad person because I am feeling so in a crazed frenzy and he longing is unbearable in me, I long and long and get nothing, nothing to quieten me and satisfy me so I have to use food or toys. Help me please mother see more of how this was just how it was for me as a child, all the pain I denied to let myself feel. I feel terrible, almost crazed with desperation to fill my void of emptiness and boredom, there is nothing for me Mother and Father, Nothing. I feel insane with the desperation, like an addict that cant get her fix, it is denied to her what she needs, that is how I am feeling, almost frantic with need."
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