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Post by samantha9 on Oct 19, 2018 19:52:09 GMT 10
I am happy to say that last night I received some of Mother and Fathers Divine love, it was so subtle but I felt it as I was laying in bed and my head began to tilt upwards and back of its own accord. I let go and let it happen and barley felt anything but a subtle movement within me as my head began to rise and tilt backwards without me doing a thing. It was very brief and afterwards I felt so peaceful and drifted off to sleep. This morning I woke up feeling like it is the beginning of another boring day but then I remembered that last night I had received some love and that made me feel good, like I have got something back for once instead of doing all the longing and never receiving anything back, like it was for me as a child, so I realise why it has to be this way for me. It was like I get a tiny bit now and again just to keep me going and to let me know Mother and Father are aware of me and all I am doing.
To receive even a tiny amount of their Love is a huge event for me and makes me feel very special, like it is worth keeping on even on the most boring of days, just keep expressing it all to Mother and Father, they are listening. I feel lately something has changed inside of me when I long to them for their Love, I am no longer longing but at the same time saying "No" to them which sounds crazy but there has been a voice in me that doesn't want it, is scared to receive it and how it might feel. I would long to them when at the same time be rejecting it coming into me because I am scared of how the power of their love might feel, I believe it might kill me, the overwhelment of receiving it, the power of it would be to much for me and It would blow me apart but now I realise that Mother and Father are drip feeding me their Love, like last night. I might be frustrated about how subtle it is when I receive it but they know what they are doing with me. They know how I feel and they are giving me the perfect amount to ease me into it slowly which is best for me as they are aware of the fears I have had about Love.
I have had such issues with the fear of receiving Love, I really do believe it will kill me and I cant cope with it but last night I did cope with it as Mother and Father gave me the tiniest drop of their Love which almost said to me,"We wont hurt you Sam, this is all on your terms and if you only want it bit by bit then that is how you will receive it". They have considered me all the way along and I see that now, they will not blast it into me in an overwhelming way that I cant cope with, not taking me into consideration at all, as my parents didn't do with me, never considering me or my feelings I anything, shit, they never considered how I might feel about anything, I just had to take it and I have just realised Mother and Father don't do that with me. I might feel frustrated that I wanted to receive more of their Love last night but my soul only wants a tiny bit of it as I want it, on my terms not being controlled with it pouring into me against my will and Mother and Father are showing me they are nothing like my parents, I am trusting them more and more all the time because they never go against my will so just recently the resistance to receiving their Divine Love has disappeared in me and like last night, it just came to me in such a subtle way that I hardly felt it but my body began to automatically respond to it and I knew it was coming, lovely.
I am so glad that the fear of receiving their Love is disappearing in me and I am beginning to trust Mother and Father and let their love in.
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Post by James on Oct 20, 2018 19:27:49 GMT 10
Do you have any idea as to why the Divine Love might/will kill you?
And thank you for posting so much on a daily basis Sam, it’s good to see how it all goes for you on such a intimate level, seeing all the different areas your Healing covers and then how overall you’re becoming more aware and accepting of it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 20, 2018 21:37:16 GMT 10
I feel the Divine Love will blow me apart because of past experiences with spiritual practices where I thought it was Gods love coming into me, I have mentioned it before, like when I had my first Reiki attunment, I literally thought I was going to die that day with the power of whatever energy was coming into me and as we have spoke about it before, you said you thought it could have been a Kundalini awakening force and I think you are right but it scared me and that fear of Gods Love is still in me even though I am receiving it in drips until I can trust Gods Love not to overpower me and overwhelm me. It was a horrible experience and my heart was pounding out of my chest with the force of the energy I was feeling, it came up from my spine base and burnt me as it rose up and stopped in my chest I think, it stopped me doing anything spiritual after that.
I am scared of being overwhelmed by Gods Love because of that physical experience although I know Gods love is so subtle for me when I receive it but this experience is still there in me, I don't trust God not to hurt me or over do it with me, I was completely out of control and it hurt me and I have this fear with being out of control and not being able to cope and I die, like on that day, I thought I was going to die. I know Gods love isn't going to do this to me because God knows everything I am feeling and wont hurt me but I know that with my mind, my feelings are saying God is going to kill me with their Love and now I have visions of my parents "love" feeling bad and making me do what I don't want to but I have to obey, I was out of control and couldn't cope with not having my own will with them, I felt like dying at times even just with every day things, I felt I was out of control in a lot of what I wanted to do. This was what they called Love and it scared me, it was powerful, the fear I felt was powerful. I have got Love all wrong, I have no idea of it and it terrifies me because I was brought up with a strict father and a submitting mother who was also scared of him, just his energy is scary but he had to be obeyed and this is what I grew up believing Love is so all love scares me, I don't trust any Love.
I trusted that Reiki experience not to hurt me and it did, it made me feel overpowered again and very scared and it was meant to be a loving experience, I trusted my parents to love me and that also turned out to be a scary experience and overpowering and now that is the only way I can feel about God until I heal it but it is getting better and that is what I have noticed when I long for Gods Divine Love, I am no longer saying it with a parallel voice in me saying "No, you will hurt me, I will die", that vice has gone and I am so happy about that because I wanted it so much but I couldn't receive it with that fear still inside me, its getting better and the other night I noticed I longed for the Love and my longing was pure, without any other chatter going on and I felt it subtly enter me. I used to get frustrated and rush my longing thinking that if I did it faster I would get my longing in before my mind had a chance to for the "No" words interrupting me, it was like parents in the background saying "No Sam, only we love you, we are your God, it is us or nothing" and maybe I think if I let them go I will die, there is so much to it all, it is like my parents are the only power I am allowed to have, nothing other than them or I will die if I worship God and not them. I truly have led a life of obedience to them, they have been my God so to now be letting them go, it does feel scary after all of their control over me. The more I am writing it the more I feel this is it, it is them of course it is, they have such a threat, hold over me and it is like a threat to me that if I go this way, Gods way, I will be on my own, without them I will die, Yes that is what they have put into me. It isn't Gods Love that will kill me it is leaving my parents and there control over me that will kill me, THAT IS IT, YES, YES, YES. It leaving their control that will kill me because they have controlled me all my life to be with them only and now I am leaving them, letting them die and I believe that is going to kill me, not Gods Love, oh wow, it very rarely is what it starts out to be in this healing.
Gods Love wont obliterate me but it is the threat I have felt all my life that if I go against mum and dad I will die, they made me need them so much that I will die without them and by receiving Gods Divine Love I am saying goodbye to my parents and weakening them, their power over me is gone and I have killed the off in a way and that is the fear, YES, it goes even deeper, I wont die but they will as they lose me, I have killed them, crushed them as their power over me leaves and they are weakened and as I let their power over me go , I am feeling my own power return. Its like taking off a heavy coat made of lead that I have been carrying all my life James. I have been resisting Gods love and all love because I have to be faithful and obedient to my parents love/control over me. Their thick and heavy cords kept me connected to them like a pet. I need to go off now and do more with this James. I am further amazed by how my feelings have took me through the layers to get to this cause, I felt I had an honour to keep with them, I felt bound to them, I was theirs and theirs alone so I wasn't letting Gods Love into me as it would be betraying them and I would die if I left them for God and they would die without the power they had over me. Its amazing and I need to do more and I will write more as it comes.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 21, 2018 17:35:18 GMT 10
I have been working with all the feelings that have come up about the fear of Gods Divine Love annihilating me and have found that it was my parents "love" that annihilated me and has put the fear in me of all love is going to blow me apart if I receive it so I don't let it in. These feelings are complex, they twist and turn and hide themselves very deeply but through my feelings and asking for God to help me, I can access them. I have spent all day yesterday in constant prayer with Mother and Father to help me feel the truth of this.
Mum and dad were normal parents, just like many others and thought they loved us and my dad tried to protect us and love us in a way that was so different to his abusive childhood, he wanted to be a loving father, unlike his own and mum didn't want to be like her own mother, who was very unloving and uncaring towards her but what they both don't realise is that all they can be is their parents and how they were parented to their own children, it is in them as default and they were pretending they were different. They had both conjured up fantasy selves, an ideal of how they wanted to be not realising that that illusive self they couldn't maintain as it was a lie, the truth was, they were both being their parents to us, although not as bad in some cases. Their parenting was controlling and stopped me being myself as I followed their rules and obeyed them while denying myself in everything, I was non existent and I can remember saying to myself, "where am I, who am I" I had no idea, I was their creation and it felt like none of me existed. I was annihilated under their rule and parenting and what they called "Love" and now I have this idea of love being like their love and that includes Gods Divine Love, all I have to go on is my parents version of love and in that love, I didn't exist, only the me they wanted me to be, I was somewhere hidden underneath all of that.
My fears have been that Gods love will also crush me out of existence, all love will. It is a slow gradual growing relationship of growing trust I now have with God and receiving their love as they show me that their love is pure love and will not hurt me in any way. Throughout my healing I have received tiny amounts of their love and the trust is growing but it is going to take time to undo the pain of what I believed love to be and spending a life time of not letting love touch me, it was all in the mind, I was safe with it being mind love and it not touching my heart, if it did I would be obliterated by it, it would kill me and crush me. I don't know how to feel love from my heart, it has all been mind generated to keep me safe so now Gods love is risky for me as I learn to trust it and let it into my heart bit by bit and see that it will not hurt me, it will make me feel good as I have been feeling of late. The subtle flow of Gods Love is a soothing feeling inside of me and God knows exactly how to do it with me and each one of us is so different and our needs are different too and God knows all of their children individually and what we need.
I am feeling different aspects of my feelings for receiving Gods Divine Love, there is so much to it, about how I feel about love and it all has to be felt through and God will help me do that. As I am going through this my children are also going through so many unloving situations which is heling me see how I have been my parents to them and I have parented them as I was parented so I get a second chance to see it all, through them and it makes me feel very bad as they are receiving such unloving treatment all showing them how I parented them and how I was parented so it gets very intricate as I have my own pain to feel and then they back it up by coming to me and telling me how unlovingly they are being treated, with such rejection by others, which is a reflection of how I rejected them because I was rejected. Its all being shown to me in all ways so I can heal it out of me and see the truth of how it was.
My wrong belief has been that Love is dangerous, love will kill me, love will crush me, love will hurt me, love will burn me up, love will take me over, love will not want the real me and I will be annihilated, there is so much more as well all that I have written about are aspects that have to be felt, its all a part of my fear of receiving Gods Divine Love, a big jumbled mess of feelings that I am feeling my way through about how I feel about Love because of how I was show love to be from my parents, it wasn't love, I wasn't loved and so I could not love at all. It was all mind created fantasies about love with no feelings behind it and now I am learning from God, what love feels like, I am a baby learning this, its new to me and I want God to teach me and show me and to let myself, let Gods Love in by feeling my feelings about why I cant. Its so tough and so tangled and I cant do it without God helping me, I don't want to do it without them, I need them so much to teach me the right way because I have got it all wrong, every bit of it I have fucked up and passed it on to my children.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 21, 2018 19:30:59 GMT 10
Since my last post only a little while ago more feelings have come up for me about receiving Gods Divine Love and I have the feeling in me that I shouldn't bother longing for it because I wont get it and it has taken me back to a dee feeling of disappointment and loss, its like a grieving and mourning in me that there is no point, I just wont get what I want, its all a waste of time. I can really feel the child in me slipping off sulking because I really wanted something and couldn't have it so I couldn't wait to grow up so I could have what I want and don't have to ask anyone. I was angry at being turned down and hated my parents for saying no so many times because they didn't think it important, my wants and needs, I was just a kid and what I wanted wasn't important when money was so tight. I grew to stop asking or being scared to ask in case if getting the devastating blow of the "NO" word and feeling my soul sink and shrivel up in disappointment and pain.
I grew to reside to the fact that it was no good asking so I stopped and it has been the same with Gods Divine Love, I would long and long for it and never receive any so I got angry with God calling them useless parents and they could fuck off, they were just like my mum and dad, never giving me what I want and of course I was seeing God to be the same as my parents, projecting that relationship onto God so until I have healed that by feeling all of the pain, I wont be able to receive Gods Love no matter how much God wants to give it to me, my feeling is I wont get it, yet it is there for me, so close to me if I only heal my feelings I can receive it.
Of course it wasn't about just not getting what I wanted in physical things, I only wanted them because I didn't have my parents love in my heart and soul so I wanted things to make me feel good, they were a substitute for what I didn't have already inside of me, my parents Love. I have found that because I didn't have this love I grew to need things and food at a very early age, I felt discontent and restless and in a constant state of need and want, longing for something to make me feel loved because mum and dad couldn't do it how I needed it, from their heart to mine, instead it was from their mind to mine which didn't touch me or enter me, it was not real so I was left in a constant state of disappointment and need.
Every time I long for Gods Divine Love and don't receive it, I feel great pain and disappointment, like I am forgotten, like maybe it is not even real and I am wasting my time, maybe it doesn't even exist and as I wrote that I felt the pain. No Love, nothing else but this, that for me is the end. What if there is no Divine Love, or at least for me. How does that make me feel? what if God is just the same as mum and dad, NO LOVE to give me how I need it!!! Shit that scared me it makes me feel so empty and like there is no point to living if Gods Divine Love doesn't exist, it isn't real. Its horrible, terrible, I feel a ripple of panic in me at that thought of it not being real, mum and dads love wasn't so that is how I feel about God. I feel weird, confused. Like all of my dreams have just been crushed, I don't want to believe it could be true, my mind is going all over the place with trying to escape this feeling, it doesn't want to feel it. What if there is no love from God, there wasn't from mum and dad, well I say that, there was in there way, but it wasn't real, it was mind stuff and didn't touch me.
What if there is no Divine Love? I have to keep asking myself the question to bring me back to the feeling as my mind is trying to pull me away. No Divine Love of God!! is that it, is that what I truly believe, it doesn't exist, I am just making it all up, its a fantasy of what I want to believe, I want it to be true, like Santa or something like that, am I going to be so deeply disappointed and be told God doesn't exist, like they did with Santa. Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am fucked, again.
Could it be that I don't even believe God exists and I am making it all up with my mind, now I feel confused and totally fucked. This has to be looked into and felt, I don't want to, what if its true!!! No, God is real like my parents are real, it is just their love, I cant feel it just like I couldn't feel my parents love. The Parent is there and real in both cases it is just that I cant feel their love, either of them and I cant feel Gods love because I couldn't feel my parents love, sorry about repeating myself so much but I have to. It isn't that I don't believe in God but their love is not there for me and it is the disappointment of that. I do know that God exists because I ask for their help and I am answered instantly and when I try to heal without them I cant do it, there is something missing without them and the truth doesn't come. I am in constant prayer with them of late but it is their love, I don't believe they love me because I don't feel it as I need to or want to as it was for me as a child, it has to be that way so I can feel the disappointment of not being loved.
Come on Mother and Father get me through this, help me feel the truth, I am going round in boring circles with this, help me please! The disappointment of not receiving their love makes me feel that there is no point in anything. I am living a dead life without it, I feel like it will be the end, I will die without it there will be no where else for me to go but into oblivion and nothingness. When I didn't receive the love I needed I gave up, believing it wasn't there, it didn't exist and this is how I feel about Gods love, its the same. God wants me to feel how it feels not to receive love because that is how it was for me and it feels like I will die if I don't get it so I am longing with an urgency, I am in a rush or I will die, be left out, be excluded as I have always felt in life because I didn't feel loved so I had to be excluded in life so I could feel that truth. That disappointment, shit is feels soul destroying to me, I did all I could to pretend it wasn't true, I made myself be a success and be included so I didn't have to feel the truth. I don't feel included, I feel rejected by God without their love. "Why cant I receive your love Mother and father, why doesn't it flow into me easily, why cant I have what I want from you?" Its all so unfair, I am left out, I feel impoverished and poor without your love and I have lived that way, I am living it now, Poor in all areas of my life, without anything, losing everything without love. That is how life feels without love, that is how life is without love, POOR. One big disappointment a let down, what's the point of a life without love and that is how my life has felt, what's the point, there is none and this is how we are all living, in this pointless life trying on our own to make it have a point, that is what I have done. Make a pointless life have a point and if we felt loved we would be so fulfilled, life would have a point. My life without love has been pointless, without gods love feels pointless and meaningless and that is how my life has felt as I struggled to make it mean something with my minds creations.
I know this is hard reading and going round in circles but I have to follow my feelings and where they take me, all over the place. I will leave it here and sink into the disappointment of wanting love and not receiving it so I stopped wanting and settled for making it up as I went along, feeling constantly depraved, that is how I feel now without Gods love.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 22, 2018 19:15:12 GMT 10
Refining my feelings down even further and I have a big problem with the Father side of God, The masculine side of life in general, accepting it. I don't feel I can accept my own father, I don't want his "Love" affections I don't even care if I never see him again. As a child I never wanted him near me and there is nothing sexual that ever happened between us, I wasn't sexually abused or anything like that, I felt that when he was close he took my power. He took all of me even if he tried to love me and show me affection, I couldn't accept it, I hated him near me, I felt silly and stupid when he tried to care about me, I cant accept him love for me because it isn't love and I knew it as a child and I know it now. Even as an adult if he tried to cuddle me, I wanted to push him away and I dreaded the goodbyes because it would mean I had to hug him goodbye when I didn't want to, I don't love him so why would I want to hug him, I had to, I wasn't allowed to say "No thanks dad, I don't want to" I wasn't allowed to hurt his feelings but he could hurt mine because I was his.
I have trouble with all men because of this, accepting them and their affection, it weakens me and makes me angry and now I have said that I see a memory of being a child and having to, every night kiss mum and dad goodnight, and I dreaded it with both of them, I didn't want to but I was to scared to not do it, they would call me and I had to come down and kiss them goodnight, fucking YUK. I don't fucking want to and even now I can feel the anger at me having to do it every night, Why? why do I have to do it, I don't want to so leave me to do what I want. It was such a power thing, like a threat really when I think about it, a programmed demand every night that we all had to do to obey our parents and to show them respect. None of us wanted to kiss them goodnight like we were some great loving family and I really felt I loved them so much I wanted to kiss them goodnight, bollocks. There was no love in it, it was all mind control to say "You will respect and do the will of your parents" shit I hated doing it, I dreaded that time of night and tried to avoid it at all costs I hated it so much and I feel my resentment of them making me do it. YUK YUK YUK Fuck off making me do it, I don't want to kiss you both goodnight.
I hated kissing dad more than mum, I had no feelings for him at all, he was just my dad and at times I felt a feeling for him but there was nothing between us just an ideal of the parent child relationship, that a child was meant to love and obey their parents and if they didn't there was trouble. I would never dream of making my children kiss me goodnight, ordering them to like an expected ritual every evening. And every time my parents would visit there was that time I dreaded, just like the kiss goodnight time of the day, when the would leave and I knew it was coming, the big HUG, and I was expected to do it but it was full of resentment, it was so false, maybe not from mum but from dad it was just asserting his power over me that he was the boss. I have such a problem with the Father, men, I am angry at them and I feel I have to do what they want against my will but I have to do it or get told of, shouted at, hated, not accepted because dad demanded this from me, to do as I am told and I was scared of him so I did, again nothing sexual ever just his wrath scared me shitless.
I couldn't accept his "Love" I cant accept and I resist the Fathers Love whilst accepting the Mothers, mums Love she wouldn't hurt or scare me. I have been saying "No" to God the fathers love whilst saying "yes" to Mothers. I don't want Father near me, I want Mother and I relate to Mother, Mary, my mum and females so much because they don't scare me as much as the Father, Jesus, dad and all men do. Men scare me so when I long to God for their Divine Love I am really longing to Mother but saying NO to Father, I am scared of you and your wrath, I believe the Father is bad and the Mother is Good just as it was for me as a child, that's the only way it can be for me with my relationship with God, the same as my relationship with my parents, I was scared of dad but not of mum and that is how it is for me with God.
I can feel in me the feelings are still the same as when I was a child, I still feel I want to repel the male in what ever way that is. I don't want you near me, you scare me, you are authority to me and that scares the shit out of me. I have to do all you say, I have to be good, I have to hide all the things I want to do or lie to you in case you say NO, I cant be myself around you, I have to be who you want me to be, I cant ask you for anything, I want pocket money and mum says I have to ask you and I cant, why cant she give it to me but she puts me through the cruel agony of having to ask you and I am scared of angering you because you don't want to be asked, everything I ask of you is a pain, a nuisance, I feel like such a naughty pain to you so I don't ask anything of you, I feel hated by you so I stay away and don't ask you anything, I would rather do without and I have done without ever since because I am scared of asking, I am scared of asking God my Father for his divine love in case he is like you and is angry with me, you have made me believe all men are angry at me like you and I am nothing but a pain to them.
To me, I feel that Love from men doesn't exist so I am longing to God for their divine love but only wanting it from one half of them, the Mother, the Father scares me to much as he is my dad. I have to obey him and that is all our relationship is about, no love although my dad would insist he loved all of his children deeply, he has no idea about love only control. I have a incredibly damaged view of men and think of the as objects that aren't their to love but to control and keep order, men are the authority and women must obey because that is how it was in my family and if mum answered back to my dad all hell would let loose and it scared me, I preyed for mum to keep her mouth shut so as to not anger him, shit when they had arguments, it was scary, it wasn't often but that is only because mum submitted to him and it kept him happy, what a fucking pair of role models.
I can only be scared of God.
"Mother and Father, I want to tell you how scared I am of Father; and look to you Mother to protect me and stand up for me. I don't feel Father is loving but just the authority to keep order and I am scared of him and all men, I have to obey them. You Mother, I can come to, I can speak to you and Mary and my human mum and other women but not to men, they scare me. Help me Mother and Father to feel this to its core. I want to speak to Father alone but I am not sure, his power scares me, please help me with this, I want to have an equal relationship with you both and receive both of you love, help me know more truth about my human parents so I can heal my relationship with them and with you both. Until I understand all of how I feel about mum and dad, I cant have a good relationship with you and I want that. Please help me."
I am so fucked up about men, I don't want them near me and I never have, I have just wanted power over them as I wanted it over my dad, it is so hopeless, I feel so ruined and broken and like their is no hope for me. Inside I feel awful and I am sinking all the time, it feels like dying inside as I feel about this, right now in this moment. I feel like I am fading out of existence, getting smaller and I shrink. I feel like nothing, absolutely nothing. This is how I truly feel inside, like I am nothing, dead inside. There is just nothing and hopelessness. I feel like a black hole imploding in on itself as I die. Fuck I feel awful I hardly have the power to breathe as my breathing is so shallow just keeping me alive. What is the point, I have no energy and no power and this is how I have felt with all men, barely alive to myself just staying alive for them to control, nothing for myself, I have hardly been able to carry myself and if I did it was only for them. I have not existed for myself only for men to have power over and as I express that out of me, I am feeling dead to myself, like I am down to a tiny spark of life and it could go out any moment, I always felt like this, like I was on the brink of life because I wasn't living for me but for everyone else, it was just a spark that was keeping me going and I can see it, it is like a tiny white light/spark that is me, the true me and everything else that I am is not me and just here for everyone else, its not real but the spark is and if I can just hang on to that I will survive. If that goes out I am dead, its over. That is all there is of me, the rest means nothing. I am feeling bad, this is how bad men have made me feel and Mother and Father have helped take me there, I can feel them with me. This is the truth of how I really feel about men, my dad, MY Father, the masculine in life, it kills me, it crushes me, it turns off my light, it suffocates me, it extinguishes me. I want to leave it there now and sit in this awful crushing nothingness.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 22, 2018 22:54:27 GMT 10
"Mother and Father, help me feel more about why I am scared of receiving your divine love, I want to know everything, I want nothing left out. I want it so much yet I feel so scared to receive it and I want to know why!".
I am scared of what it will do to me, what will it feel like even though I have felt it and it is so subtle with me and feels so calming and peaceful yet I still have this fear in me that it might just go to far and I wont be able to cope with it, then it is all ruined for me and I will never ask for it again because I couldn't trust it, it went against my will. This is all about not being able to trust my parents and now I cant trust God, I believe God is the same as my parents. I know I am going over and over the same stuff but it is how I do it, I have to just go where my feelings take me and that may be in circles for quite a while but it is always for a reason so I go with it all. If it is still in me then I keep repeating it until God knows I have emptied myself of it and then they can change and transform my soul.
The deep fear is I want to play it safe and be in control of God so I don't feel bad or get hurt or overwhelmed by to much of their love, I am scared of it ruching in and taking me over and I lose myself again. I am so scared to lose the control and give myself to them, it is like asking me to let go of all of my safety mechanisms I have built to keep me safe and trust them, its so hard to let them in fully, I really want to and I wish I could but I am so scared. What might happen to me if I trust them fully? I might DIE. This is all about trust, I don't trust God, I don't trust anyone because I couldn't trust mum and dad. I don't trust Gods love to keep me safe and not to hurt me. I couldn't trust my parents love to keep me safe and not hurt me, I didn't feel safe at all, yes they protected me but it was with fear, their fears and they lied to me to stop me feeling bad, they said it wouldn't hurt when it did, it bloody hurt. Just as I said that a memory popped into my head of when I was so little and I was in the bath and mum was with me and I had to get a plaster off, a big one, and she said it wouldn't hurt so I began to pull it off and it really fucking hurt me and I cried and held it tightly on my skin so she couldn't touch it as she said it would be better if she did it and she said she would rip it off really quickly and then it wont hurt but I couldn't let her near me, I had felt the pain and she told me it wouldn't hurt so she lied to me, I couldn't trust her again and that mistrust stayed with me all my life. Why the fuck did she put such a big plaster on me knowing it had to come off, fucking sadistic. Parents just like being in charge and causing kids pain.
God are my parents, do they want to cause me pain like mum and dad saying it wont hurt but lying to me, it will hurt, don't trust them. Its in me, that mistrust. Gods love doesn't hurt, God is all loving and I know all of that but my feelings are from my human parents experience so that is all I have to go on. Gods love feels so good to receive and I know that, I have felt it but in the back of my mind is fear that it might just go that little bit to far and hurt me, be to much for me, blow me up or something with its power, I mean this is GODS DIVINE LOVE we are talking about. I don't trust them, "I am sorry Mother and Father I don't trust you and I need you to help me through this. I want to be so close to you but I need you to help me feel all I need to feel about this mistrust I feel about you not hurting me. Please stay close to me constantly to help me feel all of my feelings of not trusting you, just keep the feelings coming to me as you have been, so I can heal this pain that keeps me from you".
I have been longing to Mother and Father for their Divine Love with the feeling that I want it so much but also parallel to that feeling is the other feeling that this is going to hurt me, kill me, It will be to much for me and I wont be able to cope with it. What will it do to me, I always want to know the answer before I do anything so I can control it, so I can say "No" to it instead of having it forced upon me against my will if it gets to much and that is because I didn't have much of a choice as a child and didn't like the outcome because I had no say, I was scared of what would happen to me but had no choice and I mean just in every day things that a lot of people don't think twice about, like having to go to school when I hated it, having to have swimming lessons when I was scared of it I didn't want them, having to go to bed when I didn't want to but be told of if I disobeyed all things like that but they did damage because it was against my will, Every day and so many things big and small that I had to do but didn't like the outcome.
God will not force their love on me, they will not do anything against my will and I know that but my injuries from my childhood are still in me and I am still feeling them as an adult so what I know means nothing to me, it is only what I feel that means everything and needs healing so that is what I am spewing out of me until I am DONE.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 22, 2018 23:23:17 GMT 10
I have had visions come to me of being so unwanted in the womb, and no one being happy about me coming but more of a worry and how are we going to cope, I am a hinderance, a problem, not wanted. I can not ask for love when I am not even wanted or loved from conception. I was not what they wanted so how can they love me it was more a case of "oh well she is here now there is not much we can do". I can not expect them to love me when I was a mistake, not wanted so I feel like this with God too, how can God love me when I am a mistake and unwanted, I feel that. All I can do is feel how unloved I feel to its core and keep asking Mother and Father to help me with feeling it all as painful as it is.
The truth is I was not loved or wanted from conception so love isn't in me to ask for, do I even believe in it? well I don't feel it in me, I don't get it and I don't give it so I don't believe it will come to me when I long for it.
The way I feel about Love is huge and so varied, its a fantasy idea, not real to me, all in my head because that is where it has always been, just an idea, a thing that you do and say but not felt in the heart, all in the mind. Its al just a big fucking Fantasy to me right now.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 24, 2018 7:17:46 GMT 10
I feel like I am nearly exhausted with my feelings about receiving God's Divine Love. I want the whole lot but I am also scared to receive it. Today I was feeling more about it and I felt i had some love from my mum but none from my dad so I feel that is how it is with God also, I want Mother but I don't want Father. I don't want Father anywhere near me, he ruins everything for me, he is to stricked and has to many rules over me. Father is an arse hole and I wish it was only Mother, I wish only Mother was God. I can be myself more with Mother, she lets me do more and understands me a bit more and is kinder and more caring, i want her only, not Father.
I can't believe how childlike I felt while writing that, I was actually going into baby talk and wanting to write it like a child would. This is how I felt about mum and dad and it has stayed with me, my dad is an emotional stranger to me, just the boss of our family and he must be obeyed and this must be how I feel about Father too. I don't want any love from my dad so I don't want any love from Father also, so I don't get it. I am longing for the Love yet I don't really want one half of it, that Father half. I can't be myself with Father, he won't let me, I have to be good, not complain, be clever at school, be successful in life, it's all to much for me to cope with, his expectations of me. I am a let down to him, I don't love him and I don't want him to love me, I don't want anything from him, I can do it all myself without him, I don't want him interfering in my life because then I can't be myself and do it my way.
I just have to accept I don't want my Fathers love, only my Mothers. "I DON'T LOVE YOU FATHER. I don't want your love and you have known that all along and now I know that too. Thank you for helping me know that truth I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE. It feels so good to say it to you, I don't love you. I have been longing to you all this time but I don't want your love Father. I can't tell you how good it is to say it to you, to know it and admit it without anything bad and awful happening to me. I want to tell the world, I feel so good. Thank you, thank you Father for helping me finally say it to you. To admit it and to accept it, shit, it is like magic has happened in me. I want to tell you how much I have been afraid of you being like dad, I don't know you Father, I only know dad and all men have been like him. I don't love him and I don't love you and I can feel you are so happy with me, I can feel you in my heart smiling in the way you do when I break through, you are so happy at me not loving you and being able to tell you. I have no fear now in telling you I don't love you, it has lost all power and all you want is the truth from me, I can feel your feelings like they are words inside my heart talking to me. Shit, I am fucking ecstatic inside, I have never felt so lifted and alive and set free. I want to tell the world I don't love my Father and it's ok not to, nothing bad will happen only good. Thank you Father, thank you".
Something has happened to me and it feels so wonderful, I feel so alive by releasing that truth. I felt God's love for me in my heart as I told him I didn't love him, as I accepted that truth, I can't put into words how I feel, so free. God didn't punish me for it, he smiled and loved it and wanted more from me which I talked out loud to him and I could feel Mother in the background. My Father has waited for me to come to him and tell him the truth of how scared I am and how I don't love him and he loved it and I feel so close to him and I will be pouring all my feelings about him, out to him, all the vile stuff, all the anger, the whole lot. I have yelled at him how much I hate him before but this Time it is so different, I have had to really accept it, really accept that I don't love Father because I don't love dad. I have accepted it and told Father and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It has come from feelings so deep down in my soul and in that acceptance, those feelings have come up and out of me as I expressed them and the truth came and I felt the moment of the change.
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Post by James on Oct 24, 2018 19:40:51 GMT 10
What an incredible few days working through it all Sam. It’s been so good reading about your projection of your father onto Father. It’s such a struggle and so important for us to be true to our feelings and just go with them especially when they lead us into feeling how much we hate God when we’ve been programmed to heavily to not say or do that as we fear being punished by Him. And to feel free to just let Them have it, spewing out all our yuk and hatred at Them, and how They take it all, They don’t even flinch, They are still there loving us, which you can feel, and then you see it’s all been about your own parents.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 24, 2018 20:04:04 GMT 10
My mum just came round to pick up a top they had bought me. They went on a holiday and bought me a top, mum texted me a couple of days ago to ask if it fit and I told her I didn't even try it on, I didn't like it at all. The top was flowery and bright and I only wear my knitted black jumpers. God I hated it, what could have given them the idea I would like it, mum said dad thought I would love it, he actually said to her "Sam will love it", I felt like he was telling me I had to love it because he said I would. I hated it as soon as I saw it and I felt angry that they bought it for me, I have told them not to ever buy me anything, I don't want anything and if I do, I will by it, why cant they just honour my will.
Today she came to pick it up and I told her it was horrible, I didn't like it at all. I am so glad I can be true now, I would have never said that to them before, I would have just said "Oh thanks, its lovely and given it to charity" now I want them to know the truth. Every time she comes round, (she feels she has to), I talk about my childhood to her letting her know just how I felt and she hates it but it is the only conversation I want to have with her. She begins to tell me all the shit that is going on at church or with her cleaning job or with the family in Australia but I cut her short because I am not interested in anything but my childhood and hers and dads. She hates it, but I want to know things and today I was talking about how much dad terrified me as a child and she still says the same "oh sam, why do you feel like this, he was not a bad dad, he loved you and we don't understand why you were s scared of him, it hurts him so much to know this". I told her everything and reminded her of her own fear of upsetting dad and she began to agree with me and see it all. I feel I can talk to mum and I want her to know how I feel, I know she doesn't want me to talk like this and she feels hurt by it but I want her to know the truth of how I felt as a child. She wants it all to be covered over, she doesn't really want to hear it but if she insists on coming round then that will be all I want to talk about, none of that other shit and funny enough she starts opening up about her own painful childhood which helps me so much to see what she has passed on to me and I know more about why I am the way I am.
I wanted to also know if I was planned and she answered "No" none of us were planned and she wouldn't have wanted children until she was 27 if she had her way so that told me a lot, I wasn't planned and I wasn't wanted and she went on to say she never really wanted children but it was what you did in those days so I was just conceived because women had children whether they wanted them or not, it was what a woman did, have children or KIDS as my mum calls us.
I felt so confident to tell mum how I feel, not just keep her happy as I would have once done. I am changing all the time and I feel it. I would never have told mum such deep truths about how I feel about her and dad because she will go back and tell dad everything as she always did if I confided in her as a child, she would run off and tell dad and I would get in trouble, I had no one on my side, I thought she was but she was a traitor to me, I couldn't trust her at all but now I want her to run back to dad and tell him how I feel about him, so tell away mum. I don't want to please anyone anymore, I feel like I want them to know it all if they ask and if mum keeps coming round here I will continue with my childhood healing and get everything I want to know out of her no matter how much she hates it, she comes around here, to my house and my life is only about my healing and so are my conversations. Her visits are getting less as she doesn't want to know the truth which is her choice, but if she comes round here then my feelings are all I want to talk about with her, I am not interested in anything else at all.
I do feel churned up now in my stomach because of the frustration of not being understood by her, they really don't know why I am doing this and they both believe I am hurting myself by healing in this way, she even said it to me today, why make things so painful for myself, why go into it all, why rake it all up, she thinks it will make me ill but as I explained to her it is the reverse, I have never felt so good by feeling so bad, that went right over her head. I want to know the truth and the truth was bad for me. I told her I spent my childhood being so scared of dad, I could feel him, his anger even when he was calm, I couldn't get near him because I could feel his denied and supressed feelings. She went on to defend him telling me he was lovely a lot of the time to which I told her it was all fantasy, he was lovely all the time he was in control, one wrong move or word and the truth came out, She sent her life keeping him calm and happy so she didn't have to feel scared by him to which she admitted and she had spent her childhood doing the same with her parents, keeping them happy so to not feel their wrath so she has attracted a husband just like them to keep her in her pain of how it was for her as a child, and I have attracted the same people in my life to keep me feeling my pain of how it was for me as a child. I have attracted dominating, controlling, horrible men and submissive, weak women who feel unworthy to men, my mum and dad in every instance.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 26, 2018 22:44:03 GMT 10
I have had a great couple of days, feeling very empty without feeling bad but saying that, not feeling bad has worried me, what's wrong with me? Where have my bad feelings gone? I am so used to feeling bad all of the time and now I don't, it is good but I feel a huge part of me is missing, my bad feelings.
I told Trevor that today I felt so calm, more than yesterday. Very empty and expansive inside, like there is no end to me and I feel like there is a huge space inside of me that has been cleared out like an empty room and I say it like that because that is the picture I just saw in my mind. It was like on moving day when you take one last look around your past full up house that is now empty of all of your old stuff and ways, it is cleared out and that is how I feel today.
I am still in my dressing gown and slippers because that is how I feel I want to be today, I don't want to change how I feel by getting dressed like I would have as soon as I got up. I don't have to do that now, I can do what ever I feel and I want to stay in my calmness while it lasts, it feels good but also strange. I get waves of serenity floating over me and its nice. Its like everything has gone quiet, there is not one bit of tension in me.
The sun is shining through the window on this cold day and it feels so good as it warms me, I feel so peaceful. I don't think I have felt this peaceful ever. I was telling Trevor this morning that after a whole life of anxiety, pain and feeling fucking awful, today is the first day I have ever felt so at peace and with no bad feelings, I think he was listening, I don't know, he didn't reply but I don't care anyway. My breathing is slow and peaceful, my typing is slow and calm, today it is all different. God I love the silence and it just being me here in the house, it is like paradise today.
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Post by James on Oct 27, 2018 18:46:20 GMT 10
You just never know what you’re going to feel next. What a contrast! And it shows again that you aren’t contriving the feelings, you’re just going with them, they all coming from your soul, you having no say using your mind in them.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 27, 2018 19:19:12 GMT 10
So true James, its all pure feelings and today is a total contrast again, I feel like shit, absolute rubbish. I woke up with a conversation going on telling me its all untrue, none of it is real, I am being crushed by my feelings as I was crushed as a child and I got out of bed and was walking like I have been crushed and feeling so sick, like I want to throw all of my feelings up and out of me. I feel so heavy in comparison to the lightness I felt yesterday, I feel like lead.
I now feel that the great feelings of yesterday are showing me how it was all so untrue, as my voice was saying to me upon waking, showing me how it was for me as a child and helping me to understand it more. Having such good feelings and thinking when I was a child, I was being loved by my parents but it wasn't true, one day feeling loved then the next day, or moment, feeling the total opposite, feeling so unloved and me hating them. Its all incredible as I ask Mother and Father to keep helping me, keep bringing up those bad feelings, they hear me and respond. I have a great day then a awful day as it was for me as a child. Putting me in a false sense of security never knowing what is true, never knowing how to discern truth, its a fucking awful feeling.
I am sitting here on my couch feeling very heavy and sick, not knowing if I will physically be sick, I am all churned up inside and yesterday feels like a dream now. I feel like I was cheated into feeling good, I cant trust feeling good because it will never last so don't get used to it, don't trust it because the next minute I will be feeling bad again so don't enjoy the feelings of feeling good, its such a shame to be so untrusting of good feelings but it is how it was for me as a child, it is how I felt, exactly like this, I can trust my parents one minute and they made me feel good, then in the next breath it all change and came crumbling down and I was disappointed with them as they made me feel bad again. The good never lasts with them, they are to unpredictable, I cant trust them and I always have to be on my guard, don't let them get into me or get to close, keep them away they are toxic. Oh and there it is, they are TOXIC, like poison in me making me feel sick, knotted up inside and their toxicity works on me physically making me sick and ill. I feel like an hour glass to them, one of them getting hold of me and turning me one way, then the other getting hold of me and turning me the reverse way and I never have time to settle, its constantly changing with them, I don't know where I am.
My parents are the TOXIN inside me making me sick. I don't get them, what do they want from me, they pull me this way and that way, loving me and unloving me, one day great the next awful, I don't know where I am with them, I feel all shook up inside and confused by how they feel about me, good one day, shit the next, good with mum, bad with dad. I am still that confused child not knowing anything because I don't know how they feel about me, I don't know the truth, they have confused me.
As I have been expressing myself and also writing this the sickness is passing, as I understand their Toxicity the sickness is lifting out of me in my expression and acceptance that I couldn't trust them emotionally, 'I cant trust them' and I can feel that as a truth in me, which feels good. The simple truth is 'I cant trust them' as I cant trust feeling good one day and bad the next, my feelings showing me the exact truth of how it was for me, and isn't that great and amazing that through my feelings I do know the truth, astounding.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 28, 2018 6:03:03 GMT 10
I have had an unexpected teary day today, just feeling like I want to cry, so I did. It was all very spontaneous, so I let myself cry and just accepted that I wanted to. As I cried I felt real heartbreak and such a need to let it out, it felt very good. It is wonderful to let the tears fall without anyone telling me to stop crying, or interfering by trying to cuddle me or to give me a tissue so I mop it all up and they don't have to feel awkward being with me crying, all of that is just to stop me crying as soon as possible, its a horrible thing to do when all I need to do is let it all out, all of that coddling is so wrong and not loving or caring at all. Your not doing it for me, its for you because I am making you feel bad and you want me to stop NOW.
It felt very freeing to allow myself to cry and be able to do it like a baby would at any time, when I felt like it, not having to hold it in at all. As a child I wouldn't have been able to do that, I would have been interfered with and made to stop by mum cuddling me and I remember how angry I used to get when she began to approach me, I knew what was coming, a tissue and a hug to stop me crying "there now, that's better, wipe up the tears" her hugs that she thought were her caring were her wanting and making me stop, right now. I would fight against her to shrug her off of me as I knew that she wanted to control my feelings and stop me crying, she got hurt by it and said I don't let her near me but I didn't want to be stopped, I wanted her to just sit there and listen to me pour it all out to her. Her coddling me, stopped my crying and feeling my feelings, it made me forget about them and push them away, just as she wanted, its a clever mind game. Its not being loving, I always knew it and that is why I pushed them both away when I was in pain, because they stopped me from feeling it.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 29, 2018 1:20:10 GMT 10
Today I woke up feeling good again, it confuses me. Just lately there has been no consistency, I am having good and bad days where as it was always bad, so many bad feelings to feel. Today I feel empty of bad feelings, I don't want to cry at all, not like yesterday. I feel like nothing matters today and a bit numb, my usual fears aren't there. Actually I said I feel good, I don't think it is that, it is just that I don't feel bad, its a bit of a nothing feeling not good or bad but somewhere in the middle. Its a bit indiscript and as I ask Mother and Father to help me understand this, they respond before I have even finished asking them. It is how I felt as a child, indiscript, insignificant, floating in the middle, nothingness, numb and a lot of the time living in a no mans land of what my parents wanted, should I go this way or that way, what do they want me to do. Very confusing. I felt very numb to crying, I feel like that now where as yesterday I just let the tears fall, today I cant, I feel empty and numb and it is the feeling I had as a child, I can feel it again, I feel like that child. Mother and Father are helping me feel how it was.
At first when I woke up this morning I thought it was a good thing to feel like this, but there was a tiny feeling of, No, its not right, and now I am feeling into it, it doesn't feel right, I feel so nothing, like I am floating on the periphery of life not being noticed. I was wondering to myself, I don't feel bad but I don't feel good and I don't like that numbness, it feels like a memory of how I was as a child and as I ask Mother and Father to help me, the memory gets so clear. I don't feel human, I don't feel like I exist and it is a panicky feeling, like I am on the edge of being snuffed out. I felt discontent today with feeling neither good nor bad but a numbness of being in the middle, not one thing or the other, shit it is like I am a Ghost, not being seen, being here but invisible to everyone and desperately trying to be heard and seen but giving up, it is pointless, I cant win so I became that Ghost, living dead, I didn't feel alive just numb to everyone and everything. I gave up, I submitted to them and I killed myself, I let them have every part of me and even believed the things I loved doing, was ME, but I am so wrong, all the things I loved doing were what my parents loved doing and I was only doing them to make them so happy with me. I only did what they allowed me to do, they had done it first though so they were always in control of it all, I just copied them and tried to do it better than them so I could gain control over them. I was in competition with them, to be better than them so I felt powerful and to make them feel powerless but it never felt good because none of it came from the real me, it was all from them. (I have gone of track but that is where my feelings have taken me to understand more about myself).
Yes I woke up feeling numb not good, that is how it felt being me and not knowing who I really am and what I truly like, I have been unaware and in numbness to myself and who I am and only through my feelings do I feel like I am coming back to life because they are telling me who I am and how I feel, they are telling me the truth with Mother and Fathers help. As I feel my feelings about this I don't feel numb at all, I feel like I can know myself deeply because of how I feel and my childhood numbness was a complete denial and repression of my feelings as I submitted to my parents control.
Not feeling good or bad today has been a discontent feeling, a non descript feeling of nothingness and not existing and it has helped me to understand that without being accepted and allowed to feel and express those feelings, there is nothing of me, I have stopped being me because my feelings are me. Shit I was so far away from myself and God that my spark had nearly extinguished and I felt like that, I truly did. Today, I felt neither one thing or the other and thought maybe that could have been a good thing, a good sign in my healing but my mind could have took me that way but it would have been a fantasy of my mind. I knew I had to ask my feelings and my Mother and Father for the truth of why I felt like this and now I know and can feel the truth, I didn't feel a good feeling in my heart so it had to be felt as to why I am not feeling either good or bad, it wasn't right.
This is the no mans land I lived in with mum and dad, it was confusing and I didn't know how to feel, I almost had to ask them how I should feel, was it ok to feel like this, is it safe to feel like this, I didn't know any truth, I needed to be told how to feel I was so fucked and unsure, I didn't know weather to stick or twist with my feelings. I needed to be told what is good or bad by my parents standards, they set my beliefs of what was good and bad, I couldn't have known myself.
My God its all so intricate and fragile, my feelings are the open door to truth and that door has been shut all my life, I love this, I love knowing the truth and the feeling that comes when the truth is known, amazing.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 29, 2018 11:16:55 GMT 10
I don't have any love in me, I don't feel any love at all, just nothingness, I was laying in bed not being able to sleep feeling my numbness of being of no love. I believed I was loving for most of my life but it was all made up. I believed I was loved by my parents but it was all made up. Now I know that the truth is now being felt, how it feels to be of no love and having all of those false love beliefs stripped away from me and I am left with nothing, alone, just me and nothing else and it is horrible. This is how it feels to be denied real love and to reject all love, I am left with nothing, a meaningless, numb life of just me, that's no good, I hate this. None of my love beliefs were real, it was all untrue and now I am left with nothing. Shit I have been living a make believe life, like I was reading a script on a made up tv show, none of it about me, none of it real. So what have I got left, nothing. It feels like an ending, what happens now? It feels like there is no where to go from here, I have got to the end and can't go any further, shit.
I feel like all of this should have been obvious, but there is a depth I find I have to go to for it to really feel like the absolute truth in me, it's a feeling that tells me I have got it. I have to sink down to the lowest part of me to get to this feeling that I have finally got it, layers and levels of feelings.
I feel I am in a horrible place, so vacant and floating around in my nothingness and feelings of being no love. I feel like such a fake person as I see the fantasy life I have led pretending to be so loving and nice, just like my parents did to me. It's all bollocks, I am all bollocks.
I feel so confused, weird and my mind keeps feeling like it wants to shut down, break down on me and put an end to this, not think about it. I have just gone into a complete fog, oh this is horrible. I have lost it, I can't even remember what I was going on about, my mind has shut down. I am in a total state of confusion and it feels insane. What the fuck is happening to me now !!!!!!!!
The fog is feeling like a real resistance to feel, my mind wanting to stop me from feeling more truth. It is thick just like dense fog where you are lost and can't see anything, it is scary and disorientating and I am now feeling pissed off and angry at being stopped from my feelings, fuck off doing this to me, shit it's so frustrating and it has stopped me in my trackers from what I wanted to feel.
It is just what mum and dad would have done, told me to stop being silly of course you are loving and were loved, they would have interfered with me, cut off my feelings and intervened by telling me I was talking rubbish. The fog is them trying to stop me getting to the truth and telling me how it is and that I am being daft. Now I am being them to myself and stopping myself from feeling the truth. I see what is going on now.they are terrified of the truth, they don't want to know it but I do.
My fog has gone, I am feeling the emptiness of how it feels to live a love rejecting life, to be kept from the truth and from love. It feels like I don't have a place to exist in, it's numb and finite and I don't feel I can go any further like this except float around in it forever, not growing. All I can do is to carry on feeling it, feeling how it feels to be like this, in this unloving state. To keep on accepting it and expressing it in till it is all out of me.
This morning I was in a nowhere sort of place not feeling good or bad and it has progressed into this, that nowhere place is an empty place of no love, a vacuum and it's horrible, disturbing and not nice to go to sleep on at 1.10 in the morning but I am now tired.
"MOTHER AND FATHER please help me feel more truth about this, I need you. I want to keep feeling it through so bring me what ever I need in my sleep time and awake time just keep it coming for me please, I want to know with all of the longing I can muster. Please feel my longing to you for your help. I never want to do this without you. Thank you dear Mother and Father of mine."
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 30, 2018 5:32:43 GMT 10
Feeling more deep, deep self hate today. I hate everything about myself, I don't feel good about any bit of me. I have put on some weight and I am fucking hating it, I cant love it and I don't know how anyone could. I cant do my usual thing and go on a diet, that is a complete denial of feeling all of these self hate feelings. I cant accept myself like this, I want to be the skinny me I have always been, it has been torture keeping it that way but I loved looking like that, not this, I fucking hate this. I cant accept myself not being slim and nice looking. I feel like no one will like me, I will not be wanted but hated like I hate me. I have worked so hard dieting all my life to look good and be slim all so I will be attractive to men, when me like me I like me and no man will look at me if I put on weight.
I have spent my life needing to be sexually attractive to men, it validates me, gives me worth makes me feel wanted and desirable and I don't feel like that any more. No one will listen to me when I need to talk about it, Trevor wont talk about it with me, he just says he doesn't see it and I know it is because he doesn't want to talk about it but I want to, I need to. I have no one to listen to me. I hate putting on weight, it scares me so much that I will not be wanted any more. I now understand why I have been on a constant diet all my life, so I don't have to feel the truth of how much I hate myself, how much I cant accept myself if I gain weight and this fucking menopause doesn't help, shit I want to fucking scream. I have no control over anything not even my own body.
I am shit scared of being rejected by men and that is the truth and I don't give a fuck if it is sad, Yes, Yes, Yes I admit it, that I only stayed slim to attract men because they made me feel good, I needed their attention to give me the good feelings I needed and now that is all over and I fucking well am so angry as those feelings in me are no longer getting met. Yes I am a sad cow to need men so much to make me feel good. I felt good when I looked slim and attractive and now I feel awful as I put on weight and have greying hair and no make up as age sets in and I fucking hate it, oh my god I cant say how much I hate myself like this I am disgusted at myself, ashamed to be so ugly and I cant talk to anyone about it because it is pointless as all they say is "your not ugly, your not fat, you look lovely, your being silly" they do not want to hear me and it is so frustrating when I want to be true about myself.
I feel shit, I feel fat, I feel ugly and old and the most unattractive I have ever felt and I am getting no love, no attention from anyone any more and it makes me feel so sad for myself, I mean a real loss inside me, like I have lost all of the fake me that got me attention and now I want to live true all of that has gone and I get no attention which is also wonderful because it is the truth of how it was for me as a child and it feels so fucking awful, but the truth is wonderful at the same time, I love the truth but hate these feelings, they are so painful to feel how devoid of love I feel now I am like this and no longer like that.
I can no longer bear to look at myself, I hate myself and cant feel one ounce of love for myself and don't feel I can ever be loved again. I am no longer what men want, I was not what my parents wanted. I tried to make myself wanted and desired just as my parents tried to make me acceptable to them and others, I am now doing it to me, or was. I spent my life carrying on their work, I carried on where they left off. They taught me how to work it, be the fakest I could be and then I will be desired and wanted and loved and it felt fucking good but not it has all gone. I am everything they couldn't accept, I am everything they didn't want me to be, everything they hated and now I hate it also, just like them, I am being them, to me. I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME SO MUCH. I AM THEM HATING ME BEING EVERYTHING THEY HATE. I cant accept me as thay cant accept me. Oh my god I fucking hate how I am, how I look, I cant bear it, I cant bear to be like this, it scares me, it terrifies me to be like this. Being true terrifies me but I cant do what I used to do, I have to be this, this is the truth of how I feel and I have to be it to feel it, I have to have the experience and I fucking hate it.
I feel so weak like this, being skinny made me feel good and strong because I had the power to attract men, it made me feel so powerful now it has all gone and I have no power to attract anything, I am weak and pathetic and I know I only wanted to be skinny so I didn't have to feel the truth of how weak being my feelings makes me feel, being the truth of my feelings is awful but also so good because I can feel the truth without any denial, it is more alive than the denial I have lived all my life but I still hate myself and cant accept how I am. I never knew I had so much self hatred in me and also for others who have weight gain, I must hate them and judge them to as I becoming what I hate and all I can do is express it and how it makes me feel. I feel like such a vile person, I am scared to be writing this because I will be so hated but I want all of my vileness out of me, I want to express it all so one day I can accept it and love it but that day is not yet. I hate myself being like this, I am scared of gaining weight because it is not loved at all, it is laughed at and rejected. Gaining weight is what I have tried my hardest to all my life to control and keep it off, now I cant and it feels like "You hated it so be it and learn to love it" even the tiniest bit of weight gain and I am freaking out.
I have so much to go on and feel about this, I will be back.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 30, 2018 9:41:42 GMT 10
I feel bad, terrible about saying how much I feel fat is ugly and not accepted, I cant even say the words properly about how I really feel, I am to scared to say the truth in case I get told off and hated by everyone. I have been taught that being over weight is not acceptable, you have to be slim and perfect and not 'let yourself go' as my mum would say to me. 'Men like skinny girls'. Shit I feel like a fucking monster for saying what I have said, I have not been allowed to say anything that might hurt another, I have to be nice and keep my thoughts and feelings to my self, only say nice things when the truth is not nice. I don't want to put on weight, I don't like it, I have been taught not to like it so I cant like it in anyone and I judge them the way my parents judged it and I can remember my parents commenting about fat people so I never wanted to be that person knowing how they felt about fat people, the didn't like them, so they wont love me.
Overweight people wont be loved, that is how I feel, its in me and its a real problem. I am scared of being overweight and no longer being attractive or wanted because I am not slim enough, like mum, she was always so skinny. I have put on a bit of weight and I hate myself being like it but I cant do anything about it, this is how I am when I stop the dieting, stop controlling it, Stop trying to be perfect and accepted by being what everyone believes is acceptable in society. This is just the tip of the ice burg with this, I will keep chipping away at it. I feel gross and ugly and the vilest person ever. I can feel my parents telling me off for voicing these things but these are their feelings passed on to me and they want me to pretend I don't really feel like this, like they pretended but behind closed doors I heard it all, how they really felt. They didn't like fat people, they talked about them, passed unloving comments about them, laughed about them, would walk passed them and look with such judgment as so many of us do, I don't want to be that hated person, I am scared of being so hated. This healing is so hard, it brings out the vilest parts of me, the parts I have wanted to hide and pretend that I am not like that, but I am like that, I am that vile and judgmental. I judge myself and everyone else, it makes me feel powerful to put others down and I feel sick inside about all of this, about telling everyone who reads this, how I am. I judge imperfection as I was judged, I can only be that horrible person and I have to be it all to know the truth of myself and how I truly am. If there is an imperfection to judge, I will judge it, I cant be any other way at this time in my healing. I catch myself doing it all the time and I cant be any other way, I cant change it, it is how I was brought up, being judged. I feel sick, really physically sick with feeling all of this, it was so hard to write and admit that I am this way and now I feel a deep sickness in me, like I want to be sick.
There is so much more to come.
Shit this is all so deeply personal and hurtful but it all has to be looked into and healed and I am having real trouble with it. I feel so bad talking like this, like I am being naughty, its ok to think it but not to say it or admit to how I feel, I am finding it so hard to keep it all personal and want to soften it so I don't get hated. Are we even allowed to use the word "Fat" these days. I feel like I have stepped right over the line but I have to do it, it is in me.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 30, 2018 16:38:20 GMT 10
Its 5.50 am and I have woke up feeling awful, sick and shaky. I don't feel well at all, vile in fact. I feel acidy inside like I want to throw up with a sore throat and a blocked nose, I feel like I am really coming down with something after my expression of feelings about gaining some weight. As more truth comes up about how I am, I feel anxious and unwell, I don't want to believe I am so awful but I am and as the truth comes up I feel unwell and in shock about what an awful person I truly am underneath the niceness, I am just like my parents, pretending to be nice when underneath lurks a truth that is not very nice and it is gut wrenching for me to see the truth and admit it, it is scary, I am scared of being attacked for telling the truth and that is how I felt as a child, I was safer to lie and keep people seeing the nice me, shit if all this truth came out I would be putting myself out there.
I just want to shakes so I am, shaking inside and I cant control it, I want to be sick, I feel so unwell. This judgment of over weight people is like poison in me and its all getting stirred up now it is coming out, I can feel it burning in my stomach.
I have to personalise this to me, I can feel myself wanting to not make it about me but I have to bring it back to me and keep it personal. I have the extra weight I have gained, I feel ugly and disgusted at myself for being so out of control but there is nothing else I can do, oh god I feel so sick. I am scared of people judging me the way I judge me.
Now I am letting my feelings lead the way I am seeing how I use food to feel loved, to comfort me, to love me, to give my praise, to cushion the blows, food has been my go to place every time, it gives me the feelings I need to feel, the feelings I didn't get from my parents. Food is my substitute parents giving me what I need, food is love and food is protection and I spent a life time wanting it so much but saying no to it by dieting, now I am no longer saying 'NO' I am letting myself have it and ending the dieting and I am seeing just how I need to use food to comfort and love and protect me and it has made me put on weight, the very thing I dreaded happening and I grieve over the body I used to have, it feels like such a loss and something I want back so much but I cant diet, I just cant do it now I am feeling my feelings, my feelings are leading the way as I feel all the feelings connected to my eating habits and how much self hate I have been denying by staying slim through dieting, so I can look good and be loved because I look good. Its all so fucked up the way I have used food in my life, all so wrong how I have used food all my life, starving myself to stay slim and wanted now over eating as I am feeling the truth of how unloved I really feel and go to food to get the loving feelings I need. Fuck it is so confusing, all these chefs making all this food, making a living out of feeding our addictions, making tv shows out of it, how wonderful they can make food so we eat more and more and bung ourselves up with food to deny our feelings.
I think food is all I have left and I am using it to make me feel good, to give me all the feelings I need and now I am feeling into it more it is all I have, I shop for it, I buy it, I cook it, I eat it, I shit it out my whole life is revolving around it so I can feel safe, kept alive. I am eating to keep my physical body alive, without it I will die. Shit, I even have to have a bar of something in my bag when I go out because I get a sudden drop in blood sugar and that is the worst feeling ever, it is like I am going to die, it is like a sudden drop in love, it is the most unloved I can feel so I eat something and I am loved again and feel ok again. That drop in blood sugar is like a really quick glimpse into the truth of how unloved I am, it is the shock of suddenly feeling unloved by my parents and I felt that as a child when I got told off, there was no love and it felt like I was going to die. Loved by them, unloved by them, it happened as quick as that and I went into panic and needed to feel loved again to feel ok again, its the same as my blood sugar drop and then having food to bring it up again, as quick as that, its the same and I can see that now and how it is connected to the sudden drop in my parents love for me and the shock of feeling that, it feels like dying,
This is a huge area for me but I feel I have seen more truth today, I will keep feeling my way through it all as it comes up.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 30, 2018 17:23:27 GMT 10
Food now controls me as my parents controlled me, I need it as I needed them, I want it to make me feel how I needed them to make me feel but it just ends up making me feel bad, like they did. I am now the one controlling it but I am so out of control also, I am the one putting it in my mouth but I feel like I am not in control of it as it is them still controlling me. It is so confusing. Food is not real love as my parents love was not real love, not fulfilling at all, not lasting, not permanent, not real, and actually hurting me, it is a lie pretending to make me feel good, it is a mind love keeping my mind content for a very short while, while my heart is empty still, it doesn't feel any love from any of it and it leaves me discontent and unfulfilled and unloved. I don't have their love inside me from childhood and I am still making up things to pretend I feel loved, using substitutes. I am so fucking exhausted with all of this but I want to feel my way through it.
I have only put on a little bit of weight but I feel so devastated, like its all over for me, I am forgotten, not wanted, not loved, thrown away as a huge disappointment to mum and dad, I have let them down so have to be excluded and denied as I am no longer one of them, I am the outsider. I used to be so in control of my weight, now I have never felt more out of control and I feel like a runaway train heading for a huge smash. I am embarrassed by myself, I want to hide the fact I have gained weight, I am ashamed of myself, this is a physical manifestation of how weak and unloved I really feel, it is weak, it is sad, it is not being in control of my feelings by using my mind to diet, all of that has gone. My feelings are showing me why I felt I had to diet constantly, to stay accepted and loved and wanted and attractive to others. As long as I was wanted I was happy. It is all about how others feel about me and what they think about me and now I will be hated and dismissed, not even seen and thought of as not being important because I am not societies, my Parents idea of perfect and in control. I am none of that. I feel like a let down, I feel like the way I used to be was a fantasy me and this is the real me, warts and all and I fucking hate the real me, I really fucking hate being like this and it is going to take some feeling to get to like it. I cant see that time because I am in so much hate and I am in shock at how much self hate I was denying by dieting and keeping myself slim. Its going to be very hard to chip away at this and accept the reality of how I really am and let go of the fantasy me. Its so hard, this is so, so hard to be the truth of my feelings but I cant be anything else now, I cant do what I used to do and go back on the healthy eating plans and diets, it is out of the question as those diets were all my mind controlling ways of keeping me feeling loved because I was slim and looked good, mum and dad liked it, they were proud of me looking good. I give up, I cant keep doing it any longer, I am defeated and I want to say I give up, I cant do it any more so hate me if you want to. I am exhausted with the fight of trying to be who you want me to be, I am not her, she never was real, she was trying to live up to your perfection and it was a fantasy ideal but it is not me, THAT PERSON WHO I WAS, IS NOT ME AND I CANT KEEP IT UP, IT WAS TO HARD, TO DEMANDING. I am my feelings and they are in pain and I want to be true to them only, that is me so for the time being, this is me warts and all. I am being the person you taught me not to love or want to be, I am nothing like the person you wanted me to be, she was a fantasy made up person and I couldn't find myself in her. I can find myself being my feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 1, 2018 19:38:24 GMT 10
I have woke up feeling so awful, like I am getting a cold. I have a sore throat and headache and feel weak. I just want to cry I feel so bad and like every time I feel like this I fear how bad I will get, I fear the worst, I always do this. All my muscles are aching and this has occurred after feeling so much self hate, there is nothing about myself that I like not just physically but every aspect of me as I have seen how bad I am with respect to how I judge others as I judge myself. I have felt so bad about myself and how I think and feel about others, how I judge them and it has gone un-noticed by me at just how bad I am and it has sickened me. I feel so terrible about what a horrible person I am, really nasty at times when I am judging others and it all happens so naturally, I am naturally vile. I am shocked as I have been so hyper sensitive to my thoughts and feelings about others, even my children.
I looked at Faye and thought she had put on weight and it worried me, if she gets to big no one will love her, oh please don't put on more weight Faye, you will be so rejected, it scares me at how rejected she could be, men don't like fat women. All of these thoughts and feelings run through me about everyone and they have always been there but I have just not payed any attention to them, judging everyone. It was like mums voice In my head, talking to me.
I just had to stop writing to go to the post office with all of this in my head, who am I going to judge on my way there, who is going to judge me? I am now aware of all of my thoughts and feelings and it is maddening once you know what you are like. I catch myself doing it all the time and I feel crazy with how I am, I hate being like this but I have been like it all my life and it being a normal art of my life, judging myself and others, actually hating, I want to change, I really do.
I feel today, like I have been brought down and held in this problem, to see it and know it is a part of me and what I do to others and myself, it feels terrible so no wonder I am ill, I am very ill inside and it has to come out, all of my vileness. I am not the nice person I portray, underneath is a whole load of shit going on and I want to get to it and tell everyone the truth of how I feel, accept I am like this and I want to change it and heal it with Gods help.
I am feeling very bad even writing this about myself, I am scared of the truth coming out and how I will be hated as I have had to keep all of these secret vile thought and feelings inside of me because no one will want me if they know the truth of my vileness, its horrible and I want to change so much, I don't want to be like this and pray to Mother and Father to help me change and to feel all of these terrible feelings of unlovingness. I am not Love, I am vile and that vileness is coming out in many ways and today it is making me feel ill and weak which is the truth of how I feel and judging others gives me power, its sick I know but I do it, it is me at this time, I am ashamed of myself for being so unloving but it is me, a judgmental, vile person running on a programme of the vileness put into me from my parents and now it is a part of me, I think it, I feel it, I speak it all the vileness I believe is true and every word has my parents voice to it, telling me it is right because they said it, it must be ok and right to think, feel and say but its not, its awful and I am feeling how bad it is in my physical body, it weakens me and it weakens others, it leaves us powerless and feeling like shit.
I was looking at a woman yesterday and my first reaction to her was, wow she is big! and instantly I wanted to punish myself for thinking it but I have had to accept I am like this, I have these horrible thoughts and feeling about others and myself. I began to speak to her and we got into a long conversation about how she has lived a life of being hurt and ridiculed and rejected because of her weight, even to the extent of having to move area to a place where she is accepted more for it, what she was telling me was so sad and I felt the feelings of compensation coming to me because I am one of those people who have been awful to her, even though I didn't say it to her face, I thought it and now today, I am suffering myself. She went on to tell me she is a singer and Burlesque dancer and teaches it to others and she now lives in Glastonbury where fat women are accepted and seen as Goddess's so she feels safe there, like she can be herself without being attacked but she went on to tell me that she went to a neighbouring town and she received so many awful remarks from men and looks from women judging her and couldn't wait to get back to Glastonbury, back to safety and as she told me her story I could see her childhood in front of me, one of attack and judgment, she is still that hurt child being picked on by her parents and needing a safe place where it all stops but even moving to Glastonbury is denying the pain and not wanting to feel it because as soon as she goes out of the town, there it is, all of her pain coming back to her. Glastonbury is a town of denial for so many because they cant be how they want to be any where else, they are attacked for it.
This woman was telling me how people like me make her feel, they hurt her and she has had to run away to find a safe place and I judge myself the same because I was judged by my parents. Its horrible being like this, I feel disgusting inside to be this way and as I write it is helping me see more how painful it is and I truly want to change and I pray for the help I need to feel my way through it all to see more of how I am, all of my vileness, I want out in the open.
I am a horrible person. I am judgemental of myself and others. I have been like it all my life and I want it to change. This nice exterior is not true, my feelings and thoughts are quite different to how I show myself to be, I am a fake and I am so sorry and I want to change, God I want to change.
I am now feeling so very cold and very ill, my throat is sore with all of the vileness that I cant say but feel and think, it is all stuck in my throat so I am going to go off now and voice it all to Mother and Father, I need to hear how I am, what I sound like speaking how I feel in all of its vileness. I want God to hear it coming from me, I want to be true to my vileness and hear the words of my evilness.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 1, 2018 20:24:32 GMT 10
I was speaking to Mother and Father about my judging of myself and others and they asked me to feel for why I feel I need to do it, what do I get from doing it?
It makes me feel superior, it gives me power feeling I am better than them. Shit this is awful, I feel terrible writing these things. I am such an arsehole, so bad and horrible but it has to come up and out of me. To put someone else down makes me feel better about my shit self, like I am not that bad, they are worse, fuck, that is awful but it is how I feel. To judge another, they are worse than me, I am better than then so I feel better about that and good about myself all because I truly feel so powerless so I have to de-power others. I am cringing at writing this, I can feel so much resistance to wanting to know this about myself but it is all true. I judge others to power myself up because I am really so powerless and I don't want to feel the truth of it. I don't want to be powerless so I bitch and judge about others, putting them down, lower than me when the truth is I am the lowest just trying not to be. I cant tell you how easy it would be to just delete all of this and not put myself out there for all to know but at the same time I want to heal myself of my unloving state, I don't want to be like this any more and it has been brought to my awareness that I am like this so I am grabbing the bull by the horns and getting to know my true vileness.
I have just had a sudden feeling of deep sadness of being how I am as a child, not being good enough and being so sad about it and not feeling there is anything I can do about it, I am stuck with being useless, weak and powerless me. I am no good, nothing, pathetic and I dot want to be like this, I want to be powerful. I have a feeling in me of being so sad at being such a nothing person. I can see myself as a child wanting to be someone else, anyone but me, I am no good. Mum and dad are the powerful ones, I must be like them to be powerful, being me is no good, I have to be them to be powerful. Somewhere I made the decision to be like them and that all they did was right, I was impressed by them and how they were, they had power and control over me and I want that power over someone too so I will tell them what to do, judge them for how they are and be just like my parents judging every one and everything because they are the all powerful ones, I want to be like that, feeling so powerful and lording it over everyone. I can see it all, them moaning and whining about everything speaking about how it should not be like that but be like how they want it to be, them putting the world to rights, judging everything in it and being Gods putting it all right. They were the Gods of my world as I watched them and learnt from them how to gain power by putting everything and everyone down, it all being wrong in their opinion, which was the only opinion to me as a child. I took it all on from them and now I am being them, exactly the same, I am them and its all I can be, them, no matter how much I hate it I am them and that just felt so fucking awful, I just had a wave of powerlessness go through me, shit I feel physically awful now as I have no power being me, only when I am them. I am ice cold and shivering, I feel awful I really do as I see where this all began. I am judging everyone just as I learnt from mum and dad, it was their way to gain power and stay powerful as they talk about a really fat person they saw today and laughed about it and said how awful it is being that big and letting themselves go like that. I listened to it all and took it all in and now I am being the same as them, its all I can be. I learnt this from conception as they began their judgment on me. I was being judged in the womb and blamed for everything as mum and dads fears grew about how they were going to cope with another child and all the other shit that passed through them both, I took it in.
Mu parents felt good judging, they felt power from it as I do. I am now them as I observe what I am doing and it is just the same as them as I am taken back to see how it was with them and what I sucked up from them about how to be, they taught me it all and now I believe it is the right way to be, just as they did.
"Please Mother and Father help me know more truth about how I am. I want to see more about how it was with my parents and how they gained power from judging others. Help me feel more feelings about this as the day goes on, Thank yo Mother and Father for all you show me"
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2018 0:20:58 GMT 10
I am now feeling so bad I am in bed with such bad weakness and a headache, I feel terrible. I feel like I can't do anything so I have just gone to bed, I am so tired and unwell. It feels like I am going down to the levels of the weakness I need to feel because it is this weakness that makes me judge others, I feel this bad inside, this weak, that I have to gain power by judging others to make me feel good. I feel shit, weak and pathetic and shit.
I feel so I'll and lifeless, like I am nothing, a horrible, nothing , pointless person full up with evilness and so much vileness as I see more truth of how I am and what I do, it is shocking. I feel so remorsful at how I am and how I have been towards others, I can't get over how awful I am feeling about the way I judge people and to think I never gave it a second thought. I have been doing it again today as I talked to my son about his friend, I judged him and it tripped of my tounge so easily as I caught myself doing it but I can't stop doing it, if anything I am worse since I have been aware.
I am so arrogant in my judgement of people, like I am perfect so I can judge them and be right. I know nothing at all yet I give my opinions and judgments out like I am God, God doesn't even do that. I am being my parents.
Healing brings out all of the worst in me for me to see. I hate how i am being, it is evil.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2018 3:07:44 GMT 10
I have had an hour's sleep and I now feel even worse, I even have pains in my thumb. I went down stairs to get some water and coming back upstairs yo my bed has been terrible, I feel so weak. I feel like I am dying in some way as I become aware of more vileness of how I am and feel my way through it, I am sunk into the truth of how I feel, of what is underneath the way I have been being, the denial. All the feelings that underpin my evilness are coming up for me to feel and it is crippling weakness and powerlessness that has kept my judgmental state alive and I am feeling how attacking I have been with my judgments, all to give me power.
Shit, I am feeling like death, just being my weakness and powerlessness, allowing it to be and I can hardly walk as the truth of what I have been hiding comes up. Now the pain has just moved from my thumb to my toes and now to my head.i am letting the weakness that I truly am take me over because it is me and with saying that I felt a huge emotional acceptance of it and am mow crying with relief and feelings of sadness that I have pushed this part of myself away for so long, not wanting it, hating it's weakness. Now I want it, it is me, a precious part of me and now I am surrounded by a wonderful feeling of tingling energy, a buffering feeling around me and it is nice and comforting. I feel it is my Angels helping me and letting me know I am on the right track, it feels so good to feel them right up next to me and as I said that, the feeling came again, yes, it is my wonderful helping spirits, they are with me throughout this pain.
I will now stay in this acceptance of the truth of my powerlessness and weakness, it is me.
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