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Post by samantha9 on Nov 18, 2018 4:27:20 GMT 10
Mother and Father have helped me to see more truth, that I don't want to be loved, especially not by Father. I am to angry to let him love me so no matter how much I long for the Divine Love, I can not receive it because I don't want it, my feelings are rejecting Mother and Fathers Divine Love because of the anger I feel for my dad and his rejection of me and the way I feel about him is the way I feel about my Divine Father and all men/masculine.
I feel so angry toward my dad, he was always around but he rejected me, he never came near me or showed love for me, it was just something that was a matter of course, it was never said but of course he did, that is how it was but it wasn't true, he couldn't show me any love or any of us because he wasn't loved by his father, his dad was awful to him and dad carried that unloved anger with him and into us/me. I feel so angry towards dad, like I don't want him near me, I didn't want to get near him because I know he didn't want that closeness, I felt it so strongly from him so obeyed his feelings. Now I carry that too, I cant have a relationship with Mother and Father because I couldn't have a relationship with my parents, especially my dad. They have made it so hard for me and they blamed me for pushing them away and rejecting them saying I never let them near me, its all my fault, I and to blame and I thought that was true all my life until I began to heal through my feelings and now I know the truth I had been denying. I pushed them away because they pushed me away, I felt unwanted so never asked for love and affection from them, I shouldn't have had to ask but it wasn't in them to love me how I needed to be loved.
I was rejected and denied love so I reject and deny love and I cant be any different and if I thought I was it was all bullshit that I wanted to believe about myself. Like my dad, he tried to be so different to his dad and he was so much better than his dad was to him, but he could only be different by using his mind to be, in his soul was all the same pain as his dad passed on to him. He couldn't be any different than his dad and he believed he was until I told him he wasn't and he went into a rage, so I told him the lot, everything I feel about him and he told me he had failed as a father then. I said that we have all failed as parents because in us is our parents pain that we cant help but be. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I am feeling now, like I will never be able to feel love or give love, it will never happen to me, I feel hopeless that I will be able to receive Gods Divine Love because I couldn't receive my dads love because it wasn't their to give, so is God's? I am feeling pretty hopeless now, like Gods love isn't there for me and I wont be able to break through this incredible strong feeling of not being able to receive love or give it because I am not Love, I am rejection. I am angry and I don't want love from anyone, I am not lovable so you can all fuck off, don't come near me, I don't trust your love, it isn't true or real, stay away from me and as you reject me I reject you, I hate you, you can not love me, I wont let you. Your rejection of me has left me powerless and weakened so I weaken you by not letting you near or love me. Stay away.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 19, 2018 21:53:50 GMT 10
Woke up with that awful bloody pain at the back of my left shoulder blade, it is so deep inside and burns so much. It Hurst to take a deep breath and feels like something is stuck in there. I am so sick of pain, one wrong move of my body and I am in pain and just by writing that my mind has confirmed the feeling is right. One wrong move for me as a child and I was in trouble or in fear of being in trouble which is the same for this pain. If I make one wrong move it will be worse.
It hurts so much and now I want to sneeze, all to make the pain hurt even more. I am scared to sneeze, to make a move in case I make it worse. I am scare of the pain and how bad it may get, I am scared of a future feeling that hasn't even happened, which is me all over. My life has been all about the fear of the future and what may or may not happen to me, I always had to be a step infront as a child, working out what could cause me pain if I do it and I am still doing that, don't sneeze, it will make it worse, don't move this way, it will make it worse. Don't do anything Sam, don't move, don't even breathe because it will make it all worse, just stay perfectly still like you don't even exist.
I just moved to get more comfortable and it really hurts, I am uncomfortable all the time and always have been. I am uncomfortable doing anything, I am scared to do anything in case it hurts me, I need to be comfortable, that is how I have created my life, to be comfortable so I don't have to feel pain. I am in pain now and I cant be comfortable with it.
It is hurting me, stabbing me, lodged in me like a hot poker twisting if I move. I cant do anything and that is exactly how I feel, like I cant do anything at all, I am trapped in pain and cant move out of it. I am to scared to move or do anything in my life, in any area of my life in case it hurts to much or causes me discomfort so I stay still, stagnant in the same place because I am to scared to move and its like every time I try to, I get hurt more, I am on pains leash, it controls my every move, even down to my breath, it hurts.
I am so sick of being controlled like this, sick, sick, sick of it, I cant break free of it no matter how I try, I am stuck in it, controlled by pain, controlled by mum and dad and it is causing me pain, I want to get out of it so much but I cant, I am stuck in it and to scared to say "Fuck you, I am off". I cant do that so I have to stay in it. Give up. Resign myself to the fact that I am to scared to not be controlled because I am scared of what is outside of that control so I stay stuck in it, with mum and dad holding my reigns like when I was a baby, they had a set of white reigns for me, I have a picture of me with them on me so they could keep a hold of me because I was always running away but soon learnt it was futile to even try so I stopped trying and gave in as a baby. That was where I gave in to them, as soon as I began to walk they put reigns on me and stopped me, shit, that's awful, I had only just learnt to walk and they stopped me. I might hurt myself if I go to far away from them so I have to be controlled by them, it all makes so much sense why I feel so stuck and not able to go very far from them, I still have my white leather reigns on, they never came of and I can feel the energy of them still on me, strapped tight around my chest, pulling me, holding me back, hurting me as I resist them and their restraint. My mum is holding them so tightly as I try to run forward, I cant go, I cant run, I fall to the floor crying and she drags me up by my reigns like a puppet as I am crying and just flop as she has total control, I am hanging there as she lifts me up from the floor, like a dead weight. Its too rough, it is hurting my chest as I hang there not helping her and she is getting cross because I am defying her and making a scene. My arm is trapped in the reigns and it is hurting me, my left arm, it hurts.
I can see what is happening and where this pain comes from as I struggle with mum to get free from these reigns and her control. We are having a battle, I want to be free and she wants to control me and I cant win, I have to give up so I just go limp, dead like as she holds me up in the reigns. As I saw all of that happening I remembered how even now I do go limp and dead like as I give in and surrender when I am under attack, I used to do it with my first husband when he got aggressive with me, I would just go limp and lifeless and give in because he was so much stronger than me, I would just flop and die so I didn't get hurt and he would leave me along, it was like a defence mechanism with me and it felt like I was dying and I get that from my childhood where I did it with mum and dad, I went weak because I couldn't win and I remember the feeling of something in me dying, my soul shrivelling up and dying inside. I couldn't win so I gave up and I felt so close to death, it was all on a knife edge.
This pain I have today, and get a lot, is controlling me as my parents and others have done, it is the pain of being so controlled. It hurts so much and I feel like I want to go loose and floppy again, just let it take me and have me as I cant win. I have to surrender to it as I had to surrender and give up with mum and dad and my husbands and anyone in authority. I have to let them have me and that feels like dying to myself as I give myself to them, give my will over to them, they can do what they want with me, they all have a set of reigns to put on me and control me with. It feels so horrible right now, like I am so trapped by everyone, a slave to all as it was for me as a child.
This pain in my back is a reminder of the truth of how painful it is to be trapped in pain, controlling pain because it was painful and hurt to be so controlled, I felt like I was constantly dying inside as more and more of my died with every bit of me I gave away.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 19, 2018 22:10:31 GMT 10
I just found this picture of me with my white leather reigns on, my restrains so I could be controlled and not run away. I feel really angry looking at it, angry that they wouldn't let me be free and explore and now as an adult I still have those reigns on, I am so scared to go out and explore. Fuck I feel so angry at how retarder I am, scared and so fucking feeble to do anything for myself with out them being in control of me. I am scared of being free, I have to have them with me constantly so I will be safe. I am still such a baby inside with my restraints on, I cant do fucking anything. Fuck I am so pissed of and angry at what little confidence I have to do anything without them, I am full of their fear and caution. I am them to myself, I put those reigns on myself every day, In fact I never take them off, I am never safe without them. In this Photo I can see the sea but wasn't allowed to go near it, they kept hold of me and now I am scared of the sea, it is bad and will hurt me, it is dangerous and I cant even swim because water is dangerous. I have been so held back, stunted in my growth. I feel crippled up and should be in a wheel chair, that is how I feel inside, I am surprised I wasn't born with some awful physical deformity because that is how I feel inside, deformed, stunted, controlled. Fucking Angry.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 21, 2018 9:28:32 GMT 10
It's been another day of pain, in my back and in my face again, I feel so weakened by it and drained. Like I will never be out of pain and it scares me to feel like that. My face is on fire inside, all achey and cramped up like all my facial muscles are cramped, so painful. When it comes I feel like 'oh no, here it comes again, it is coming for Me'. I can't escape from it all I can do is submit to it, I am trapped and there is no where to go, just let it have me. I am so tired of this, being such a slave to pain, it does what it wants with me and I am feeling exasperated by it, there is nothing I can do.
Faye was cooking herself dinner today and I interfered with her, I went into the kitchen and picked her up on something. I thought she didn't know but she did and she told me off. She let me have it, telling me how I made her feel when I do that. She told me I made her feel like she was stupid and incapable and she asked me to go away and mind my own business as she knew what she was doing. I told her how sorry I was for interfering and making her feel so bad. I went back into the lounge and felt so happy that she felt she could talk to me like that, with such wonderful truth of how I make her feel. It was truly wonderful to hear her lay it right on the line with me saying everything that i would have wanted to say to my parents but couldn't. This is how my parents made me feel and Faye told me tonight that i make her feel the same when I interfere and try to have power over her.
It was so good to see my childhood play out in front of me through Faye, having her tell me how I felt because she feels the same because I do to her what my parents did to me, I can see it all through both of my children, what was done to me and what I have done to them, it is no different. I am my parents and I can't get away from that. I want to control my children and exert my power over them just the same as my parents did to me.
To be told what I was doing by Faye tonight was so good. I sat and went into the feelings that drive me to interfere with them and it is all about me thinking I know best all the time with them and wanting them to do it my way because my way is the best way to get it done and if they don't, then something will go wrong, they will not get the best out of it or they will suffer. I have to have control so nothing bad will happen. I won't have to feel bad. If I am in control I can avoid all pain, everything will work out for the best if I do it and no one will feel any pain. Pain is the worst thing and I have to control every thing so no pain is felt. Pain is misery, weakness, powerless,crushing, suffering, uncomfortable, all the feelings I try to control by bring in control.
I can see what I do and why I do it and I can only trust me. No one else. But I can't control pain, I am in it now and it is uncontrollable, it comes and does what it wants with me and nothing I do will stop it, pain controls me no matter what I try to do. I can't win, pain is to big, to strong, to powerful for me as it is showing me. I couldn't win against my parents will and I can't win against pain, they are the same. I came up with all kinds of ways to gain power over my parents just as I have done the same with pain, none of it works, they have the power. I am in pain no matter what I do, it comes back for me and shows me who is boss.
I backed right down to Faye today after she spoke the truth to me and listened to her. We didn't fight or anything like that because I listened to her and said how sorry I was for making her feel so bad and useless, it was an evil thing to do and this is how I want it to be between us. I want to listen to them both instead of doing what my parents would have done had I been true to them about how they made me feel. My listening to Faye and admitting I was wrong to interfere diffused any huge argument that could have occurred. I wanted her to tell me how I am being because I really want to know, it helps me heal, I want to know the truth so I can heal it and when Faye finished cooking she came into the lounge and we sat together, it was nice.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 21, 2018 21:01:36 GMT 10
A pain free day so far but its only 10.40am. No physical pain it has all gone but I am very bored again. I am bored of being bored. So fucked off with it, I don't know how to spell 'off', is it 'of' or 'off' I don't know so I will just use which one I feel is right, but I never know how to use it.
No physical pain just boredom, bleak boredom. I like to spell boredom as 'bordom' but spell checker says it is wrong, the 'e' in it feels wrong. I am even told what to do by my computer, parented constantly by everything, the whole world is man made to be one giant parent and I hate it, all controlling me and telling what to do and how wrong I am and how thick I am. Its all caving in on me how stupid I am and how I don't know anything, I feel like I am being crushed by it all and only the ones that know stuff, survive.
I am bored, very bored, I am so bored, so fucking bored, crazy bored, insane bored, bored into nothingness, bored into oblivion, bored into pointlessness and meaningness. I can hear my mum saying to me 'Go and find something to do then and take your mind off of it'. That is the answer I will get off of everyone, go and amuse yourself, go and get a job to fill your days, its all denial of feeling bored though, I don't want to do it, I want to stay in my bored feelings and feel my way through it, not take my mind of it be amusing myself. I want to moan about it till I am blue in the face, what ever that means!!
I am so stuck in bordom, every day the same, groundhog day, another stupid American saying. It feels so unloving to be so bored, like no one wants to be with me, its lonely, no one wants to spend time with me, no one wants to hear how bored I am, they don't want to listen to me tell the how bored I feel and I feel like a child when I say that. Mum wants to get on with her stuff, she doesn't want me moaning about being bored, she doesn't want to hear I feel lonely because that means she will have to stop what she is doing and spend time with me and she cant connect with me like that, she doesn't want to. She wants me to be totally self sufficient and not want her or dad but praise me to all her friends that I am a good girl and can amuse myself. It isn't good, I want her/them to want me, to want to do things with me and be with me but they don't, I am just in the way and I have always felt like that with everyone. I feel awkward around people like I am in the way so when people come near me, I quickly move because I think I am in their way and they will get annoyed with me for always being 'under their feet' like some annoying dog who wont get out the way.
The bordom makes me feel like there is nothing for me, its the end. I really cant see any further than bordom, its bleak.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 24, 2018 23:08:56 GMT 10
After a horrendous day yesterday I am glad to say I woke up feeling fine and I was so glad too. Yesterday I woke up at 4am with a feeling that I had vertigo again, I wasn't dizzy all the time I was laying in the same position but I knew I had to get up, and I was to scared to in case I started spinning. I slowly rose up out of bed and there it was, the spinning hit me and I thought I was going to pass out just by sitting on the edge of my bed. I held onto the walls and went down stairs, shit I felt awful and terrified.
I am so sick of this happening to me, it scares me and all I can do is tell Mother and Father how it makes me feel, they are all I have. As I continued to express all my terror it started to lessen it's hold on me and that is how I feel, like it has me, it is a huge monster from my childhood that hides under my bed and moves into me when it wants to and spins me around and around because it knows I am terrified of the feeling. I cry and shout for it to get out of me but it won't, I an so scared of this vertigo that i still can't accept it or have and nice or loving feelings for it, I hate it and want it to go, there is nothing good about it apart from it is showing me my fears and hidden childhood feelings, then that is brilliant but I still hate the feeling of being su terrorised by it which is how I felt as a child, terrorised by everyone, I was scared of everyone except mum.
I had no idea I felt this scared as a child, this is pure terror that I feel when the vertigo comes. My heart beats so I an hear it, I shake uncontrolably and can't do anything to stop the dizziness. It makes me feel that i am so out of control that anything could happen to me.
I was dizzy all day feeling like I am moving even when I am sitting down, horrible. I dread it, I dreaded moving even the tiniest bit because it would make me dizzy again. Scared to make a move in fear of what would happen to me, I didn't want to feel it, I was to scared.
I feel like there is a short out in my brain, like it could go off at any minute and I would be exterminated like when they unplugged Neo in the Matrix but I would die. I still can't get to the bottom of it, it is such a huge fear. I can say it's a fear of dying or something like that but I don't feel it, it's just words. I still have a long way to go with this feeling and I have had a fear of passing out or fainting since childhood and I don't know why, still. I can say what I think it is but that's no good, I don't feel those things that come from my mind. It has to be felt and I will feel the cause of this when I get down to it but I have felt more of the terror it brings up in me but I know I have not felt all of the truth of it.
I can say it makes me feel out of control but I still don't feel that, all I feel is sheer terror when it comes, dread and terror and wishing it would go away, but it won't, it keeps coming when I least expect it. It creeps up on me and takes me over and that is how it feels to have my will taken by something so powerful. All I can do is keep expressing the terror it is bringing for me to feel to help me heal. This is the truth of the terror I felt as a child and it seems so unbelievable that i felt this bad and suppressed it. When I am going through it I feel like a child with no one to help me or take the horrible feelings away, I am alone with it, it is mine.
I am amazed at how much hidden terror I have in me, so much of it to feel and it is so strong a force. I am so scared of the slightest sensation of dizziness, I am instantly on alert that something is coming to get me, a terrible thing is going to happen to me, against my will. I don't want it, go away, fuck off and leave me alone but it won't go and I so wish I had someone to talk to about it, to express it all out of me to, to tell them about my fear but I have no one. I tried to tell Trevor and he said "It's no longer your emotions that you need to heal, it's the universal energies, you feel bad because it's a full moon and you have been effected by it". I wanted to fucking burst with frustration, it's all feelings we have to heal and I knew it was no good going on, he won't listen he just tells me what it is, he shuts me down just like dad but he brings up so much feeling in me so I understand why he is around.
I can't just relax with this dizziness and let it swamp me because it instantly brings up my terror and I am on guard ready for the next wave of it to come, I anxiously wait for it to engulf me again, like a tidal wave of fear wanting to shut me down or kill me. This is such a huge feeling for me to feel, so humongous big and is going to take time to break down and accept because terror steps in as soon as I feel it and that is it's job, to bring up all my hidden terror which I never realised was as huge as it is, I never realised I stored so much of it away and it was so deep in me. Yes, I am in terror, I am filled with it and vertigo is the perfect feeling to bring it up and out of me, it's so horrible, so terrifying.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 26, 2018 20:20:12 GMT 10
I had a couple of dizzy spells yesterday and as soon as they come I am gripping on to something like I am going to fall or collapse. I go straight to Mother and Father when I get these spells to help me feel the truth of them and as soon as I did that I had the words in my head saying "I am not safe", and this was exactly how I feel and have always felt, not being safe and having to have something or someone to hold on to, I am no good on my own, if I am not looked after something bad will happen to me and with this dizziness I am so alone with it, no one can help me or take it away, it is mine and I am stuck with it. It is my terror and fear coming out and how out of control I feel when it comes, shit the feeling is pure terror like I want to pass out with it and escape.
It makes me feel unbalanced and all over the place and so scared. I am not safe, I am going to die or pass out against my will. I am out of control, I cant go out or do anything when it gets bad, I am stuck in it. I am trapped by it and what it will let me do. I feel so controlled. The initial feelings are "Oh God, what is happening to me, oh no, I am going to faint, or die". It is total terror and why should I wake up in the early hours with it? So much confusion around this but I must go to my feelings and it is pure frustration, terror and being out of control, so scared to do anything on my own because I want be safe, I need someone with me and at night I am alone and no one can help me and that is when I feel most vulnerable. As a child I was never on my own, I shared a bedroom with my sister until I left home, someone was always there and as a child, I always felt scared if she went to stay at her friends. It was dark and I was alone in the room and I always thought someone was with me, trying to get me, I wasn't safe without her in the room. I was scared to sleep and even recently I have stopped breathing in my sleep and woke myself up gasping for breathe, it is like if I go to sleep, I will die. Maybe I do die and my spirit body comes back into my body so fast it gives me vertigo, but that is something I don't know, I am just supposing, more fantasies because I don't know, it is my mind making up stories.
As a child I was always scared to go to bed, scared of the dark and I still sleep with a little light on, it is still with me and Mother and Father I need so much help in feeling the truth of this fear. What do I thing is going to happen to me in my dark room where I am alone. I am not safe being alone and in the dark, someone is going to get me, kill me. The dark is bad, being alone is bad. It is ok if someone else is in the house but I am not safe on my own, I have to stay with mummy and daddy and not go off on my own, someone could take me, I wont be safe. I am not allowed out in the dark but they never said why or what could happen to me all I have is this unexplained fear that being alone is bad and being in the dark is bad so at night I am in both of those things and they are both very bad, bad things happen in those places, I feel scared, terrified of being alone in the dark where it is so dangerous according to mum and dad and they must be right, they are grown ups and I am just a child, they are always right so I should be scared of being alone and in the dark, I should be fucking terrified of it, anything could happen to me, I am not safe, I have to be on guard all night of what could happen to me, a sound, a shadow in the room, its all so scary, what is coming to get me, is it hiding behind the curtains, under the bed, in the cupboard, shit it is all so terrifying, I can feel it now, the fear of being a child with those fears because I am now an adult with the same fears of not being safe being alone or in the dark.
My parents put so much fear into me and they didn't even know they were doing it, they thought they were protecting me but the fear wasn't there before them, before they put it into me. I always had to be in before dark, they always wanted to know where I was going and who with ad even in daylight I didn't feel safe and that anxiety turned into Agoraphobia where I was so scared to go our that I couldn't and in my late teens I suffered tremendous terror at going out, even never getting to my destinations and having to turn back and go home, the only safe place was home with mum and dad. They made life a scary place for me to be so I spent my life having panic attacks and terror tremors whenever I want out, or even when I stayed in, I never felt safe.
I am beginning to understand more about my dizziness and Vertigo, it is sheer terror and it gives me the feelings I need to experience so I can know the truth of my terror and how unsafe I felt as a child and my fear of going to sleep alone and in the dark, it is the bad place mum and dad warned me about and I have to go there every night, they send me there, to bed and they turn off the light when they have told me the dark is dangerous. The have contradicted it all telling me it is a bad place to be and then sending me there night after night, handing me over to the terror they have warned me about, how am I meant to feel!! Of course I am scared of it, I am still that scared little girl who is younger than her sister so has to go to bed first and that means alone and in the dark on my own, everything my parents warned me about, I have to go to that bad place where anything could happen, I could die, every night I could die as I feel the fear of being here alone and I would not be able to sleep until my sister came up to bed, I wasn't safe until she was with me, then I could sleep and I still have all of those feelings in me, I am still that scared little girl going to that same scary place every night, the very place my parents told me not to go to because it was not safe so now I do not feel safe at night, alone and in the dark, I still have to keep the little light on like some fucking wuss.
I feel really scared now, like I am dreading the night time coming and I have denied feeling this fear and just got on with it but now it is different, I am scared and that is so good because now I am aware of my fear and I can let it rise up in me, I have touched on its depths inside me and tonight I will turn the lights off and let the fear come up in me, be that scared child that I truly am, I want to feel the truth of the fear, just how bad it is and let it have its say, I want to know it all.
Mum and dad didn't make me feel safe, they scared me with their fears and I still have that fear in me now, I can feel it.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 28, 2018 9:37:58 GMT 10
I watched a you tube that a friend had sent as he was walking through the beautiful Australian bush, it looked like Paradise to me, so green and beautiful and I wished I could do that. As I watched the film of him loving being in nature and walking through it and recording it all, I began to feel a lot of fear, it was rising up in me because it is something I just wouldn't feel safe doing, I don't feel safe going anywhere on my own, although I do, I don't feel safe and this is how I felt while I was watching Graeme's film.
If it was me I would miss all of the beauty in fear of some man jumping out on me and raping me or murdering me. I don't know if most women feel like that about going out in the bush alone and it is such a shame that we/I have to feel this way and men get to go out and enjoy it all without the fear of some woman jumping out at them and raping them or murdering them. Its such a shame I have to feel like this, it stops me enjoying life and experiencing it how I want to. While I was watching the short film I felt so suppressed to do anything on my own, or go anywhere without feeling a fear of being attacked in any way, I just don't feel safe and the thought of me actually doing what Graeme was doing, filled me with fear, I could never do that, I will never feel not scared, I will always feel like I will be attacked, shit it fills me with dread. I am so fucking scared. Nature isn't safe, its to open, to vast, there is nowhere safe for me to go, anyone could be watching me and I wouldn't know, it scares the shit out of me.
What could I do if someone jumps out at me, nothing, I would have to give in and let them do what they want to me, rape me, murder me, anything. Its horrible I know, but this is how I feel, scared to go anywhere alone incase I am attacked by a man. Overpowered as I submit to their will, men scare me, they are so strong, so powerful, they can do what they want, I cant. I want to be free like a man is, to go out into nature on my own without the constant fear of being attacked, does a man feel like that??? I have to be wary of men and I hate it feeling so unsafe. I want to be able to go out into the woods, into the darkness and feel perfectly safe and it wont happen in this sick world of unhealed people, I feel like it is all to dangerous, mum and dad told me it was and I am to be home before it gets dark and not to go anywhere alone as there are bad people about. Watching this film has helped me feel more of my fear about being alone and how scared I am of the world and all people, I cant trust them, they will hurt me.
Everything is a opportunity to heal, even watching Graeme walking through the bush and enjoying it so much, to me it looked so beautiful but then the feelings began to rise, the bad feelings of fear and how I could never do that so comfortably as he is doing. I have been made to be so scared and with good reason because Women are prey to sick Men and now I cant enjoy places like the bush because I fear for myself, my safety. Its so unfair that men can go out there and enjoy it all so freely without the fear of being raped. Its not bloody fair that women have to be so careful and watch out for men in the dark or hiding in the woods. I cant enjoy nature on my own like Graeme did in his film, I would be to cautious of who may be watching me, what pervert may be lurking in the bushes. Fuck I am so scared and I feel so angry that I have to be so scared of going out in a lace of beauty and not seeing it. I have to do what my parents say and stay away from those places, they are dangerous to a woman but a man can. Its not fair. I feel so fucked off that I cant do it, that I am to scared to. I hate being me, scared, cautious, crippled by everything ME!!
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 28, 2018 21:27:13 GMT 10
I feel like I have flu again, I wake up like this nearly every day and it is draining, the whole thing of healing is draining, I am fucking tired and exhausted and feel like breaking down, today I will. I just want to sleep. I am so tired and achy and my chest is all tight and my throat feels scratchy, I am so sick of it, feeling so shit all the time with on or two days of feeling ok, I hate being me. I am so thirsty, I want to drink a lot but the water tastes so bad, I never noticed how chemicalised it is but I can taste it, yuk, its awful but I have no bottled, I am so thirsty that I can feel such a strong longing to hydrate myself, its a real pull to satisfy my need, sometimes I drink about four litres and some days only a couple of glasses but I feel today I will be drinking a lot and that has increased with my healing, just following the need of my feelings for water and nothing else, I drink only water now and cant stand anything else, its like my body finds it so hard to purify anything but water, the feeling is definitely for water only.
I feel so ill, so weak and powerless, like a sick child who cant do anything. I am cold and feel feeble and frail. This is how I have always felt but done all I can not to feel it, now it is all I am left with, the truth of how it was for me as a child, this is how powerless I felt with the powerful ones taking care of me, I was always under them, subordinate to them and it made me feel lowly and weak and cowering to them, the Gods of my world. Yes, this is how I felt, ill, weak and horrible and I needed them to survive, I could not do it on my own and it weakened me. I always felt ill at home, I was a sickly child because they needed me to need them, to feed their need for power so it kept me weak and ill.
I feel like I have a lump in my throat, it is so raw, I feel like I need to be looked after because I don't feel well, my parents made me feel like I always needed to be looked after and when I wasn't I was scared and felt alone, when they were gone I was left in constant illness and need and a longing for them to look after me so I wasn't alone with my pain although I always was, we all are alone with our pain, no one can take it away no matter how much my mum tried, she always wanted to make it alright for everyone, take the worlds pain away and I am just the same as her, I do that and as my healing goes on I can see that I am so like her in every way and it makes me feel hopeless, I am her and there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel rubbish, really low and ill and tired, I have had enough of feeling so shit, my head feels in dull pain now, more pain, I cant win so I have to give in to it, it is to strong for me, to powerful, I can never beat it because I could never beat my parents, they are all of my pain and I cant beat them so I might as well submit to them, the pain as I had to as a child, just give in to feeling ill as I gave in to them, just be the truth of how it was for me as a child, submitting to their will over me, illness wants me, it can have me, I give up.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 30, 2018 21:30:07 GMT 10
I hate you Mother and Father, I long and long for your Love and you give me nothing, I just sit there waiting and nothing comes. I cant long any more than I am, what is wrong with me that you don't give it to me!!!! I fucking hate you, you are a pair of liars, you promise me one thing and never follow through with it. I don't believe you love me, you never show me so fuck you both. You just leave me is such disappointment, like I am longing for something that doesn't even exist so fuck you both I feel so angry and sad and disappointed with you both. Fuck, I hate you right now, you are cruel and leave me hanging all the time as I wait for the slightest sensation from you, but nothing.
You make me feel so left out of your family, of your love, I am the stray, the one that is left outside of the group while everyone else gets there share of your love. I am forgotten by you, left out and rejected and there is nothing I can do about it but live a sad, lonely, dark life of no love.
I fucking give up with you both, you don't exist to me as I don't exist to you. Why the fuck don't you hear me, feel me as I long to you. I nearly turn myself inside out longing to you so hard and then I wait and nothing. What more can I do? There must be something wrong with me, I must be broken somewhere that I cant receive your love so please help me feel the truth of why I cant receive it. PLEASE!!!
I feel alienated from you both, not connected in any way because I don't have your love in me, I cant feel it and I so want to. What is it? What is wrong with me please tell me!! I feel so angry I could throw this computer across the room at how denied I feel by you, you are shit, rubbish parents, fucking rubbish and I hate you, useless, fucking, shitting, fucking useless parents to me, cruel bastards as you just go on thinking I don't even need your love, it doesn't even enter you that you are not loving me, do I need to remind you that I am your child and you need to love me, I need you and your love or I don't exist. Hello! remember me I am your daughter, can you love me please so I can feel it not just with words. Fuck, you are a useless pair.
Maybe it doesn't exist, maybe there is no love and I am longing for something that doesn't exist and you are all having a good fucking laugh at me like some kind of sick joke, your so cruel. Love hasn't existed for me, I have never felt it in my heart, I have heard the words from mind to mind but never felt them in my heart, from yours, never! There have been caring times, good times, fun times but not what I have really needed, Love. I have never felt it so I don't feel it from God, it didn't exist with my parents so it doesn't exist with God and this is how it all feels, fucking horrible, empty and in perpetual waiting, anxiety that maybe one day I may feel it but that is just wishful thinking, I don't feel it and that is the truth. I don't feel Love, I cant receive it and I cant give it because it wasn't given to me. I am so numb to it, so used to doing without it is just a thought in me that says "Oh well, never mind, just get on with it". I cant feel the pain of not feeling Love just anger, I cant get there, its too deep and to hidden from me, to denied and covered over to feel the real pain of not being loved, Love means nothing to me, I can go on with life without it as I have done as I wont get it from anyone. I just have to make do and live a life without it. I always have to settle for what I am given, just put up with it. Fuck I feel useless, I feel like a shell of a person living a life of denial of love and has to put up with it because there is nothing I can do to change it. I want to give up. I live without love, I don't know what love feels like, not real love only mind created love that doesn't come from a place that is real.
I feel so frustrated that I will never receive it, never get what I want and I have to put up with that, be ok with it because I am not allowed to show how I really feel which is raging anger that I cant even really get to, I am not allowed so I ask you God Please help me get to my pain, the truth of how it feels to live without love. All the love I show for anything is not real, it is the same as the love showed to me by my parents, unreal. I cant feel it in my heart, it is ice cold, a heart of stone, unbreakable stone that no one can get to. It is all so useless, I want to just give up, there is no hope for me. I feel so desperate but it is all in vain
"Please Mother and Father help me I don't know what to do, I have no idea about you or your love so please show me because I am in the dark, I don't have a fucking clue".
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 2, 2018 0:30:11 GMT 10
Today I am seeing more into how unwanted I was as a child, as a baby. I was thinking back to when I had my shop and I was beginning to do my healing, nothing seemed to sell, at least, nothing I made sold. I could sell stuff for others but anything that came from me, just didn't sell and it only came to me today, just now, as I was thinking back, that it was because I had to feel the pain of not being wanted, nothing that came from me was wanted so nothing sold. Shit it is all so amazing how it is shown to you, the truth. I would make something really creative and I would love it but it would sit there and not sell, not even get seen, ignored by everyone and it would frustrate me so much how all of my stuff went ignored and as I felt into it back then I knew it was because I was denied so everything to do with me will be, but only today, just now as I was looking out of the window did it hit home. I couldn't sell anything because if I did and it was all a success, that would make me feel good, it would make me feel wanted and loved and that isn't the truth of how it was for me right from the very beginning of my life. I had to feel this so nothing sold, I felt denied, hated, useless, not wanted, not loved, ignored and so on. The whole situation was showing me the truth of how unwanted I truly was as every one of my customers rejected me until my business no longer existed and had to close and disappear all together, that being how I have always felt inside and I have been doing all I can to try and prove I exist, all of that creative stuff, making stuff, all to prove I am here, be noticed but in the end the truth was shown to me. My business was rejected out of existence.
Its amazing, that is how my parents truly felt about me coming along, as soon as they found out about me coming along, it wasn't joyous but "Oh no, what will we do, we don't want another one, we cant afford it" and all of the other feelings mum and dad felt that entered me, I can feel the truth of their rejection of me because my whole life has been one big denial of that truth, I have desperately orchestrated a life for myself trying to prove that is not true, I was wanted, I will show everyone but it didn't work, the truth always comes out and I was reduced to the truth of how my parents felt about me, not existing to anyone.
Nothing I do can be a success because that isn't the truth of how it was for me as a child, I thought it was but I was in such denial of the truth. I WAS NOT WANTED, NOTHING I DID WAS WANTED, NOTHING I SAID WAS WANTED, NOTHING I MADE WAS WANTED because of this truth that was in my parents and they pretended to me, they lied to me that I was loved and wanted so I went on believing it but the truth was in me all along and my whole life was screaming it at me, its all been a lie, I was not truly wanted or loved so nothing I am can be truly wanted or loved until I have felt it thoroughly out of me and it hit me at that window just now, the truth was a bright light inside of me and shone so I could see it clearly that I was not truly loved or wanted that is why nothing I do will succeed for me, it cant, it has to fail so I feel the pain of how it feels to be unwanted and unloved.
Amazing.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 2, 2018 0:51:55 GMT 10
I feel so certain that I wasn't wanted when my parents found out they were having me, they had doubts, so many. So many fears about me coming. I can feel it so certain in me. They had me but didn't really want me, it was the last thing they needed but had to go through with it. I was so unwanted but they put on a brave face and they have said that to me as a child when something happened to me that caused me pain, "Put on a brave face" and I have. I have denied my pain because I was the pain that was denied by them, they put on a brave face and muddled through with the pregnancy slowly growing to get used to the fact I was coming, there was nothing they could do s they got on with it.
I felt that, I knew the truth of how they felt and they thought they could keep it from me as they kept it from each other, how they were really feeling about me coming. It was all a lie, all the put on happiness when I was born, it is how you are meant to feel so they did it all, all the fake shit about a new baby coming. None of it was true. They were scared, terrified, broke and tied to another mouth to feel, more hard work and sleepless nights, none of it fun just fucking hard work.
I definitely was not wanted by them and that is why I have such a disconnection with them, that is why I cant let them near me because I have always known the truth, my SOUL has, I just had to catch up with it and uncover the truth for myself through my feelings, I didn't want to believe it was true, they had been good, loving parents as far as I knew but it was all an act, how you are suppose to be with your children, not real though because I know that to be the truth because I have never felt their love connection in my heart, only ever in my mind. I don't have any of their love in my heart, I don't feel them, ever! I cant let the cuddle me, love me or anything like that, they try and it has always made me angry that they try and now I know why, because it was not real and I know what is real because my soul has always known the truth. Fuck it has been in me all this time and only NOW, right in this moment is it grounded in me so bright and clear like a bright light shining on it, the truth. They didn't love me, they didn't want me and all the love they showed me and all the niceties have been fake and they have believed their own lies, they have convinced themselves, and me, that they really did love me yet I couldn't understand why I didn't love them and that is because I know the truth, My Soul knew the truth and I couldn't help but feel it, yet I tried so hard to deny it was true.
I wasn't wanted or loved as a baby at conception and I can feel that truth.
Fuck I feel good, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck I feel so happy and good and wonderful that I now know the truth, it is shinning inside me like a bright light, I can see it, the truth shines so bright, WOW.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 2, 2018 0:58:52 GMT 10
They didn't want me so no part of me can be wanted, nothing I do can be truly wanted because at my conception and as a baby I was not wanted, I was rejected so my whole life has to be one of rejection and that rejection underpinned my whole life and the life of my children, they are suffering the same shit as me. I passed it all on to them and the rejection is happening all around them, I can see it.
I have always felt impoverished inside because of this lack of love so my whole life is impoverished and poor, every aspect of it has to stay this way, poor because that is how it feels to be without love, impoverished and poor and shrivelled up inside. It is all so clear now, today.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 3, 2018 11:00:54 GMT 10
The way I feel about not being able to receive God's Divine Love is the same way I felt about not feeling my parent love and I understand that God is helping me feel this pain. I feel so frustrated, like I will never feel it, it won't happen to me and there is an anger that I want get to, it is so deep down and gone so denied by myself because I was not allowed to feel it so I shut it away somewhere, I can't find where I put it. I can't get to the real anger I need to feel so the more I go on longing for God's love, the more frustrated I am getting at not receiving it, so the longer it goes on the deeper my anger will get and I hope I will get to a point where I can feel how it felt not to receive love from my parents.
I know I am not there yet but it is brewing, the frustration will grow into full blown anger. There is a level I want to get to but can't yet. I feel anger but not deep enough, it blows out and I get to a point where I feel "what's the point, nothing will change" it fizzles away, I can't maintain the anger because it wasn't allowed so I am still not allowing it. I really want to get to my denied and suppressed anger, please help me Mother and Father, help me get to it please.
My parents are still in control of me, telling me to stop it, stop being miserable and cross, it's bad and naughty, only they are allowed to be angry, with us. I am not allowed to be angry at them and definatly not express it to them, no way. So this is still inside me and anger is so hard to get to. I can feel angry but it's not touching it really, it's not the deep anger I need to feel, it feels so hidden away.
There is a feeling in me of having to settle for not receiving God's Love, I have to just get on with it, I can't have it and that is that, I cunt get to any real deep feeling about how sad I am about it and that frustrates me that I can't feel. They have taken away my ability to feel my anger in the way I need to, I know it is there but I can't get to it, so fucking frustrating. I am so used to going without, not even realising I had gone without, I thought they loved me, I thought whatever it was, was love even though I didn't feel it but because they were my parents and they looked after me and did what normal parents do, that was love, I didn't really give it any thought until my healing, it awakened the truth in me and I settled, I bloody well had to settle for not receiving real love but this fake love that couldn't be felt, now I can't feel any love because now I know I never could because it was all in the mind not the heart.
The longer I am going on not receiving God's Love, the more pissed off and frustrated I am getting which must have been what I felt with my parents but just gave up and settled with what I had and I can feel that same feeling in me now, with God, so I know it's the truth of how it was for me as a child with my parents, I gave in trying and just got on with what they wanted. I feel like giving up, it's useless trying, like how it was with my parents, futile. It won't happen for me and I don't even feel like I am allowed to be sad about that, I just have to get on with it. This is so tough.
But how do I really feel, help me Mother and Father!
There is a feeling rising in me of deep grief, like death, like I am missing out on something so incredible but I can't have it. It's so unfair I can't have it, I want it more than anything but I won't get it. It feels like it is not even real, it is a fantasy, it doesn't exist to me. I want something that will never come because it doesn't exist. What a let down, love doesn't exist and that is how I really feel, love doesn't exist because for me it didn't, I didn't feel it in my heart in a place of truth so it is all a fantasy for me in till I feel it from God, until then it's all a fantasy. All wishful thinking, a dream. Have I made it all up any time I thought I felt it, with my mind, probably.
I didn't feel love with my parents so I don't feel it with God, it has to be that way because it is the truth of how it was for me as a child and that is the truth, God isn't going to fill me with love when that wasn't the truth for me, God won't lie to me, God is showing me how it was, the truth and I can't give or receive love because it isn't in me to do that, it never was. I have blocked out that truth and believed I was loved because my parents told me I was, not because I felt it, I didn't. That belief of being loved was all in their and my minds and it stopped me from feeling the pain of the truth, it kept me in denial of the real pain I was in. Me denying that pain made me hurt myself even more by medicating it and going to my life of addictions to keep me away from feeling the truth of not feeling truly loved. It's all such a huge fuck up, one I feel is to huge to get out of.
All I can do is carry on asking God to help me with this, keep feeling my feelings as they arise and hope I can nibble away at feeling and getting to the anger, allowing myself to feel it, it's hard, so hard to turn it around and give myself full permission to be angry, I am scared if it, I am scared of being heard even by the neighbours, they might tell me off or think I am mad, shit every one is my parents telling me I am not allowed to be angry,what if they hear me, what if someone comes to the door and hears me, I will have to explain myself. I do express anger but I can't let myself really go because I am scared of being seen or heard, it's always in the back of my mind. I feel like a hopeless lost cause right now, like I have got no where in my healing and am back at the beginning again, it's such a hard slogg, I feel so suppressed, repressed, oppressed by the whole world but it's all come from my parents and now I am in their tiny box that my feelings are keeping me in, this oppressive box that keeps closing in on me in till I am crushed out of existence. It's so fucking hard.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 3, 2018 22:51:39 GMT 10
Today I feel like I don't know what is true anymore. I don't trust anything and it leaves me in a very lonely and disconnected place. I feel like I am on an island, alone and that is how I felt as a child, so disconnected from life and people and I am feeling the truth of that. I had no love connection with my parents and it disconnected me from the whole world and myself, I didn't know what or who to believe for myself, I had to be told and over these last few days I am doubting everything and asking myself "How do they know that is true" when I hear or read something, I don't believe anything, it's all been a lie and as I heal myself through my feelings I am seeing the truth of the lies.
I am questioning everything and feel like I am starting all over again bringing it all back to me and my feelings and seeing the truth of the fantasy I have believed in. Love has not been a huge part of my life, not feeling it as a child so how do I know what truth is without it, I don't, I don't know anything and all I thought I knew is only that; a thought in my mind. It's all been a fantasy in my mind, I have lived a deluded life and gained power from that delusion. Shit, I am questioning everything like how I wasn't allowed to as a child, my whole life is being shown to me as a huge delusion, it isn't real and it has made me question everything and everyone.
Shit, it's all been beliefs, my whole life made up and I thought this was right but it was so wrong. Even up to very recently in the way I feel about God, Mary and Jesus and the Celestials, all a belief, wishful thinking, another of my fairy tale fantasies that i believed were true but I have yet to experience the truth of them so my strong belief in them has stopped me knowing them in any truth, I am my beliefs were in the way, I can't get to them while I cling onto my beliefs, needs and fears of letting my beliefs about them go. I am very scared of letting them go, I am clinging on to my wrong beliefs about them, my fantasies. I am so scared of letting them go in case I never get to experience them for real. But my fantasy of them is blocking my way to them, it feels so risky to let it all go in case they don't really exist, then I have lost everything, then there is nothing for me.
My Soul drives me on to God, it's a pull that is in me, a feeling that I can't stop but I have so many other conflicting feelings and I can't even put it into words how I am so all over the place with my feelings today, I am very confused.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 3, 2018 23:37:39 GMT 10
Today it is really hitting me that my whole life has been a delusion and it is madness to live such a delusional life, I have been living in fucking madness that I believed was real, oh my God. None of it based on truth or love all mind created nothing real from the heart. All my thoughts about God, Mary and Jesus all in my mind and I thought it was real, now I can feel it all crumbling down around me, the illusion of it all, I believed my own shit and I feel today I have gone to a deeper level of feeling where my beliefs are shattering about the things I most cared about and believed were true, none of it is true because I cant feel Love so I don't know truth, I don't have a clue. I cant determine truth so how can I know that God, Mary and Jesus are true, I cant because I don't have Love to be able to feel what is loving or not, truth or not. I don't have a clue and it is all being shown to me now, I don't know what is true and all I did think was true is now crumbling down and I am left with nothing of it, all gone, I can see it crumbling and disintegration before me in its untruth, all how I felt about everything, I have nothing left not even God, it has all had to go because it is wrong, a creation of my mind and I can feel it leaving me. Yet, all the time this is happening I can still feel a pull towards God, a drive that I cant change, that is still there but my minds creations of God are leaving me, I can feel it but the pull for truth is still there in me and as I am writing this, I can feel it getting stronger, like one is taking over the other. I will leave it there and let what is happening to me occur, it is strange what is happening in me.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 4, 2018 3:01:55 GMT 10
I am feeling shock at all I thought I knew about God is in my mind, a belief and that belief has kept me from really feeling and knowing God. I have been in my own way, I have been stopping the flow of Gods Divine Love instead of letting God show and teach me about who they are, my beliefs have blocked them. I thought I was right but today I am seeing it all crumble around me, I don't know God but I do want to so I will continue longing to them to show me.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 4, 2018 3:25:58 GMT 10
I really do feel like I am beginning again, I am at the start of it all and all before me has been breaking down my bullshit even how I thought about God, it has all had to go and today I feel so uncertain about everything, I don't know anything and that leaves me in a weird place of nothingness as I let it all go, which is so hard to let go of God, Mary and Jesus, let go of my beliefs about them that my mind has controlled and created.
I know I keep repeating myself but I feel I have to, I cant believe it all, it is such a shock to me that the truth has hit me so hard today and I can now see what I have been doing because I am so scared that their is nothing if I don't make up some fantasy for my mind to believe so it can feel safe and not rejected into nothingness. If there is not God, then there is nothing, no Love or truth only mind created "Love" and without the hope of receiving Gods Divine Love, I have nothing, I don't exist without it, no one else can give it to me, I couldn't rely on my parents to give it to me so there is no one if not God. That hoping for Gods love is still not the truth, it is wishful thinking of the mind, a belief that I will get it but I don't know for sure, I might not ever and I will be rejected into the mind mansions not being able to be with my Mother and Father like it was for me as a child, I was with them but not really with them, not feeling I was with them because I felt their love for me. I am scared of that being the same with God, it is unbearable to feel that rejection. I need to feel Gods Love for me to know they are real and they Love me if I don't then their love doesn't exist to me whereas I have been living in a belief that they do love me, of course they do, just like I have done with my parents but it was all belief with both sets of parents, I never felt it and that is the truth so I am not loved until I feel it in my heart.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 4, 2018 3:39:01 GMT 10
This is very confusing and complex for me so I keep coming back to it as I feel more into it all and my feeling twist and turn as my mind creeps back in and then my feelings tell me the truth of how I feel, the pain and rejection I feel from my parents and God. It is so hard and confusing, I am in constant feeling turmoil today and I feels sick with the confusion as my mind breaks down and my feelings rise up. I feel that God doesn't love me, God doesn't even know I exist so I feel like I don't exist, I don't even know if God exists because I don't feel them. I don't feel anyone loves me or ever will no matter how much I long for it, I wont get it.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 4, 2018 6:51:29 GMT 10
I don't want God to be a relationship in my head, like my parents, I want it to be in my heart, I want to feel God so I know they are true and they exist. I know what I have read and been told about God and have had some feelings that I thought were Gods Divine Love but I am doubting that now, I want to know it for sure, I want to be certain without a doubt. I don't have a clue about God or anything and this week it has been rising in me and I haven't wanted to accept it but today I do, I don't have a clue about God, all of my beliefs about God have been broken down as I feel more truth of my untrue state about what I know about God.
I have been in and out of feeling so bad about all I am saying here, feeling really terrible in saying I don't know if God exists, shit it feels so wrong to even say that about God but I want the fantasy to end so I can know the truth about God, from God and all of my false beliefs have had to be broken down because I feel they are in the way of any truth as all lies are, they keep me from the truth.
I do still feel a pull to know God but not how I have been doing it, with my mind, shit it is incredible that I have deluded myself all this time into believing I knew something about God, I don't. It was all my mind control and power to believe I knew something.
My lack of receiving Gods Divine Love when I longed for it has gradually led me to feeling that there is no Love for me to feel, like there wasn't any from my parents, its the same and then question if there is even a God and I went into a panic and confusion about the doubt I had, God was never a topic that ever came up as a child in my family. God never really existed to us and my God was my mum and dad and that was it and I have been taken back to that place in my childhood. My parents were the be all and end all in my life not God, they made it all happen, there was no one above them so I am back there at that moment. In my mind they are still God and still in control of me and have so much power and God didn't get a look in so have I been convincing myself that God exists because I want to feel loved and feel powerful because of receiving that love instead of the powerless wreck I am now because I haven't received the love I needed. My longing to God isn't true, when I feel about why I want it, I want it to stop me feeling so powerless and it isn't right, I want to be like my parents, the all powerful one and it isn't good or true. This is all wrong, I am all wrong and I want to know the truth of my wrongness. It is very confusing for me I keep losing it and not knowing what I am feeling. I feel like I am tying myself in knots with so many contradicting feelings.
I had to believe in my parents, not God and I am so confused.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 4, 2018 18:07:04 GMT 10
I have woke up still feeling so conflicted. I hate myself for saying I cant trust God and don't even believe in them, I spent the night preying to them, to God who I have said I don't believe exist to me, what am I doing!! They are all I have even though I am not sure how I feel about them, I am telling them they don't exist and then preying to them and taking to them all night and telling them all about my pain, they are all I have and that is how it was for me as a child. I didn't feel my parents love for me yet they are all I had and couldn't let them go because I would have no one and that is how I am feeling now, like I have cut of everyone because I don't feel their love and I don't trust them to be true. It has left me in the very place I was scared of, alone and with nothing, isolated.
I cant stop preying to Mother and Father there is such a strong pull towards them and I can feel my soul telling me they do exist and that is my journey, to them but my mind is telling me they don't exist, like they didn't exist for me as a child, only my parents existed to me and my mind still wants them to have total control over me, my mind is them telling me God doesn't exist to me yet I can feel such a strong pull towards God.
I feel terrible inside, like a feeling of guilt at my denying God, like I am the epitome of the Rebellion against God, I am it, the most evil person alive as I tell God I don't believe in you, as I reject them and hate them for not showing me any love to the point of me giving up on them and saying I don't believe in you, I needed you to love me and you didn't which is really shouting at my parents and feeling so angry at them. I feel so wrong for doing this, so bad and horrible and selfish and hateful. I don't deserve any love from them as I deny them and turn my back on them which is what I wanted to do as a child to my parents but couldn't, I needed them and I am doing the same with God, I cant fully leave them as I need them.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 4, 2018 19:40:56 GMT 10
All the time more and more truth keeps coming up in me as I long to God for the truth to be shown to me. I am rebelling against God and screaming and shouting at them the way I wasn't allowed to do to my parents, I am letting God have it telling them I don't believe in you, I hate you, You don't love me, you are liars and all the rest of my projected pain when it is really my parents I am yelling and hating at. I couldn't do this to them I wasn't allowed so I am now taking it all out on God telling them they don't love me, they don't exist to me. God is allowing me to take it all out on them, get it all out of me, express it all, all what I wanted to say to my parents, that which is still in me and needs to come out. I am being that child that was denied expression, repressed, supressed and oppressed of all she felt and now it is coming out. I am allowed to tell God I don't believe in you, God wants to hear it all, all my vileness.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 5, 2018 4:54:16 GMT 10
I am feeling really empty now. Having spent all day yesterday and most of the night expressing so much out of me I feel emptied out and have had no feelings so I am in bed writing this probably because I don't want to feel my boredom and emptiness so I am hanging this out. I feel a huge space of nothing and it makes me wonder if that is all there is once my healing ends, nothingness. It is something I can't know and will have to wait an see what comes.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 9, 2018 10:10:16 GMT 10
It's about half an hour till my birthday and I feel like shit. I have been feeling bad and letting my feelings take me back to my birth. I feel like I don't know why I am coming out, being born, I don't want to. I don't feel loved or wanted so why are they having me. I am scared, I dont want to be born, i can't feel any good feelings from them, I don't feel they are happy to see me but putting it on, it's all lies, they are shit scared and oh my God, I have just felt the disappointment in them both at me being another girl, mum wants to apologise to dad. I feel like it's all my fault.
These feelings have been with me all my life, scared to go out, scared of people, feeling like I am always in the way, feeling like I am not what people want, apologising for myself when it isn't my fault and so on, it all came from my unloving birth.
I don't feel anything good about my birthday and I never have, I have always wanted it to be over and never wanted any presents, I wasn't really wanted on my birth day by my parents, they pretended they loved me and I know this to be true because I have never felt their love for me in my heart. It's not something I want to celebrate because I know the truth of how my parents felt on that day.
I am as unappreciative about receiving anything on my birthday as my parents were about receiving me, it means nothing. I felt nothing from them both and that is the nothing I am in now as I put an end to trying to be something. The truth I am now left with is that i am 'Nothing'. That is all I feel, the truth of how I felt as a child and as my birthday approaches, I am feeling that truth more. Without feeling love I feel like I don't exist, am invisible, am Nothing.
Inside me I feel nothing and this nothing feels like it goes on forever, I can't see any end to it, it is a vast darkness like looking out into space. I feel this is all that i have now as everything else has gone, it has all disintegrated and left me with the truth of what I have been trying to avoid all my life, how nothing I am. I am Nothing. What do I do with That?
Let my feelings take me into my black hole of Nothingness, keep feeling it, keep longing to God to help me feel it all. Sit in it. I can't do anything in my nothingness because then I am trying to be something, I get up and do something and it is only me trying to avoid the truth of my nothingness, it's my mind trying to take over again as my parents did, to make me do something to stop being so useless. Every time my mind has an idea to do this or that, I feel for why I want to do it and it is all to get away from the bad feeling of my nothing truth. I sit in it and think I may be sitting here doing nothing for the rest of my life, it feels endless.
I am glad for bed time so I can sleep to pass some time but the same nothingness will be there tomorrow, the same boring shit again.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 9, 2018 22:14:09 GMT 10
Its a tough day, Crying all the time at the slightest thing. I was outside potting on a Lemon tree I have grown from seed and as I was doing it and loving it and taking so much care over it I burst into tears and haven't been able to stop. The love and care I am giving it, looking after it from seed, kissing its leaves because it is so beautiful and I have nurtured it from the lemon I cut open and squeezed to make a lemon drink, I saved the seeds, peeled them and put them in a pot and only one of them grew, this one. I felt an overwhelming love and sadness mixed together at wishing I Had this care taken over me and I wish I had given this care to my own children. This little lemon tree grew to help me heal, to bring about all of these loving and sad feelings to help me get to the grief I feel. The grief that has been stuck and making me feel so sick over these last few days. I feel like I am now touching on it and bringing it all up and out of me thanks to this little healing Lemon tree.
I could feel the love I was putting into the soil, bedding it in like I was being so loved and tucked in at night, like I was tucking in my own children but never really took the time to. So much grief at what I missed and what I have missed with my children. I think I have cared more about this little Lemon tree than I have my own children, I wish it was the care given to me, I wish I felt the love I am giving to it from my own parents and that is what I cry for all the missed and unfelt love. Pouring all of my love into this Lemon tree, the love I wanted poured into me and the love I should have poured into my children. I feel so bad, so terrible like the worst person, so evil and vile, such a rubbish mother, such a rubbish child. I feel like the evilest person ever giving all my love to a plant when I couldn't do it for my children. I deserve to be in hell for my unlovingness, god I feel so sick, I can feel it burning in my stomach, sickness at how vile I am. I can feel the acid burning in my stomach, it is all me, vile and putrid.
I feel there is no hope for me today. The day I was born feels like the worst day ever as I am in so much deep pain at how unloved and how unloving I am. All sorts of little pains are being felt moving and changing in my body, I am so tired. I just want to cry all day, cry it out of me how awful I am, I feel.
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