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Post by Samantha McCabe on Feb 5, 2014 0:11:38 GMT 10
I want to share a truly painful time in my life when I was crippled by my Feelings and the healings I have had revealed to me through doing my Feeling Healing. I begun to suffer with the worst Panic attacks from the age of 16, my God the most terrifying feelings arose within me and I stopped going out of the house, I was locked in by my fearful feelings. My life ended and all hope faded as I sunk into the deepest depths of depression and was put on pills and therapy, none of which worked. Many years I suffered in this way, feeling cheated out of having a youth, a life, I can remember looking in the mirror and asking God if they knew where I had gone, where was I, who was I, I wanted them to take me. Here follows an account of how I was feeling at the time and what my bad feelings have revealed to me by asking for the truth to be shown.
My question to God, Mary, Jesus was:
Why am I in fear, Why do I fear all life and the outside world, Why do I fear myself ?
My feelings go as follows:
Going out - feeling very scared, What will happen to me? I am not safe, everything will hurt me, it is to terrifying, I will have no safe place to go, where will I hide, what shop can I run into, Where can I hide until someone saves me, there is no one, there is no where safe. I cant do this, I need to be at home, I cant do this, I will be safe at home, I am not safe at home either, I will be left alone, on my own with just me, I am scared of me, I am a stranger, an imposter, I don't know me, who am I, I am the fear, the monster, I don't know me or my mind or my feelings, nothing is true, I am not true. So confused. God please help me, no one can save me from me, No one knows the horror I am feeling, this is all inside me and no one knows, I am so ashamed to feel like this, I will die if anyone finds out, I have to hide it, I will get told off, I want my Mum, I need her to make me safe, not Dad though he will be cross I can not express this to Mum because she will tell Dad. I have no one. I am not safe, I have never been safe, I am not safe, I am not secure. I am scared, I have always been so scared and do not want anyone to find me out, it would kill me I am so ashamed.
I went on like this for many years, I was exhausted and very alone in my inner world of fear. I looked to my Mum and Dad for the answers and only told them so much but the very ones that I thought would be able to help me, had no answers. They could do nothing for me, I felt abandoned. I had never received the love I truly needed from them as there was four children and a life of struggle, they gave love in the way they had been taught to love from their unloving parents, it was all they knew. I was not safe, I had never felt safe and was brought up a lot of control from my Father and fear, our family motto was "Don't upset your Father" so every expression was supressed so we didn't anger him, as taught by my Mother. I was taught to be fearful of expressing myself in this world because that was how I had been taught from a very early age, expression will get you in trouble, every time my Mother spoke her mind are went against what my Dad thought, it would all kick off, very scary for a child to see, so you learn very quickly to shut up. I was not to speak up, interrupt, be heard of show off or be different, I was not to be myself ever, only be what and who they groomed me to be, an IMPOSTER. I did not Exist, I was dead. All those feelings showed me how unloved I was and how unloving I am. I was taught the world does not want to hear you, see you, feel you, you do not exist, if I expressed my self in any way, the world would hate me, be angry with me, so going outside was a place of hate and fear where I would not be safe. I was only safe if they were with me to control my every action so they could tell me how to be, what to say, where to go, I would not be safe to do anything alone as I do not know myself and they do. I will die if I venture out without my controllers. The world without them is a death experience, I will die without them controlling me, I will not be safe if I go it alone, how would I make a decision, how would I survive. Instead of giving me love that I needed so I could be a safe, secure, confident being in this world I had been taught fear and control and I would die without it so all my relationships were just extensions of needing to be parented and controlled, I would not survive without it. My Dad would say "Have you voted yet" you have to do it, so he was really saying that he still needed to be parented by the government or he would be out of control to. At the time I truly believed I could never exist without my parents, I loved them and they loved me so much they wanted to protect me and control me, I saw this as love until I begun to hear a constant voice saying "Sam, stop being Lazy" and it continued for many years and now I know it was God believing in me that I could do this, I could heal this but I thought I couldn't muster up the strength to come of pills and work it out for myself but I did. It took so long to work with the true depth of the feelings and tedious amounts of time of going over the feelings but it is the only way and slowly I begun to feel myself coming back to life, I was in there but buried so deep down and slowly the child begun to grow again in Love and truth, I was healing myself away from my Parents and resented all that they had shown me about how to be in this world. There is no other way to heal than to do your Feeling Healing and now I include the Divine Love of my Mother and Father and ask Mary and Jesus to reveal to me the truth of all I feel and they do, I now have my true family that love me unconditionally. I am getting there and I love the feeling of more revelations of my feelings, I am healing myself and feeling the Love of my Divine family.
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Post by James on Feb 7, 2014 11:46:07 GMT 10
Samantha, how did you come to understand about your childhood repression and being as you say an imposter, had you read or heard things that helped or did it all just come through your feelings and life experience? How old were you when you started to work on yourself in this way? And how did you come across my stuff - have you read any of my healing books and been to my Childhood Repression site?
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Post by Sam McCabe on Mar 21, 2014 7:44:36 GMT 10
Just a shortish account of my feeling healing experience today. About 6 weeks ago I was offered a little "Granary" its a room on little mushroom stilts to keep grain dry. It is empty and the guy said if I want it I can rent it off him to do whatever I want with. I have been so excited about moving in and holding some groups in their and so on but I am still waiting for the go ahead and today I phoned and got his secretary again and he never gets back to me, this property belongs to the council and is on a farm with several craft units on it so their is some red tape but it is taking so long. It has started to get to me and I thought I have to get this feeling out of me so here is my healing of the feelings the whole thing has given me.
I am feeling so bored with waiting, I am bored and fed up and just waiting with someone else in control of my direction, I am waiting for someone to tell me yes I can or No I cant, others are still controlling my life, I am so frustrated waiting for someone else to say I am good enough or I'm not, constant parenting. I accept I am feeling these things and I want to see all the truth of these awful feelings. My feelings have now gone from feeling so happy to be offered the Granary to now thinking maybe he has changed his mind but I do not know, I have no control over what he is deciding. I feel frustrated, sad, angry, restricted, powerless, interfered with, put on hold whilst waiting for his acceptance of me, so angry, so angry, I have really had enough of others controlling my decisions, I feel lost again and I cannot go anywhere until I hear from him. What a power hungry freak he is to make me wait so long before he decides, its yes or no, I feel so angry with him treating me this way. Please Mother and Father help me see what this waiting has been about, what does it want me to know, please help me to know the truth of this situation and my feelings with it all because I am feeling so held back, oh wow, yes that's it, I feel so repressed, held back, shocked, sad, so disappointed, hurt, in disbelief that I am being treated like this all over again being treated like I am invisible, as if it never happened, totally cast aside and forgotten. And there it all is , like magic, all revealed to me, this is all to show me how when I was a kid if I asked for anything it went unheard, un-acknowledged, I was totally unfulfilled and always left waiting for the answers from mum and dad when all I wanted was yes or no but to be left with nothing, not even sure if I was heard at all was awful and filled me with anxiety because of the waiting for the answer, in the end I stopped asking, like a torture really to a kid. All of this waiting for an answer has come to me today when I just had to sit down and ask Mother and Father to help me find the truth of this awful waiting and I see how necessary it all has been now, I have needed the time delay to bring up those repressed feelings within me of the anxiety and stress I felt of not getting, or waiting for answers and if I did they were never really fulfilled. Even if I don't get the Granary I understand that I have had to go through this process to bring up those lost feelings inside me and what an incredible way for them to be revealed. There is quite a lot more that I have had revealed to me through doing this healing but will keep it short, just wanted to share the totally amazing ways the revelations come and how it enables you to understand everything in every moment is a chance to heal. If I do get the Granary it will come second to the healing I have gained through the waiting process, I have received the most amazing healing revelations.
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Post by Sam McCabe on Mar 22, 2014 5:37:59 GMT 10
I put the above post up yesterday and got rid of all the bad feelings this process was giving me and really released and healed the turmoil it had caused me and once healed I got a phone call today saying that I have got the Granary, so pleased and felt like I have been rewarded for understanding what the whole thing was all about, once I had healed the feelings that were so important, more important than the getting, I got my reward. It took me nearly 7 weeks to understand the message in all of this but yesterday I got it and healed it, now I can have it. An incredible miracle happens when you heal how you feel.
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Post by James on Mar 22, 2014 10:35:03 GMT 10
I’m sorry you feel so bad Samantha, but Yes, yes, YES! - Fantastic!, once again perfect - not that you need me to approve of how you do it. It’s just as Marion has showed me how to do my healing. And as she said, it’s not about whether or not you get the Granary, it’s ONLY about helping you to get more in touch with the truth of yourself on your way to perfection. All these things as you say are only secondary, the vehicles we need to stimulate the feelings we need to feel to help us become our true selves, to liberate more of our repressed childhood feelings. And for me it’s so wonderful to see the truth coming all as a direct result of you longing to the Mother and Father for Their love and truth. This being the crucial part: “please help me to know the truth of this situation and my feelings with it all...”, and then your expression of more of your bad feelings.
And what are the groups you want to hold: How to uncover the truth of yourself through your feelings!!!! You’re so good at it!
I’ve just seen your update - again Fantastic! And wow, what a lovely looking place. And I was even wondering if you’d get the go-ahead once you’d expressed all your yuk and seen the truth of those feelings - and now you have! That sort of thing has happened a lot for Marion and I, you get rid of all your expectations, pulling back in, focusing fully on your feelings and what’s really important, and then the thing happens that you want and in such a better way.
And once again, I am so thrilled that it’s all happening for you. I am thrilled for you and for myself. I can’t tell you how good it is reading what you write and you showing me that our healing really is a real thing. It is a process and has real processes to it. We can learn how to do it, and it will just naturally happen if we look to our feelings for their truth. Marion has coached me all the way along, all these years, working with me and on herself, and all from her own intuition - she just knows what to do. And I agreed to go along with her and see what happened. And I’ve wanted to know the processes, to see if indeed it is a real thing other people - we all - can do, and not just something specific to Marion which she’s been able to help me with. And so with you coming along and showing me all through your own endeavours that yes it does work and it works for you as it’s worked for us, so it is real, and other people who are not being coached by Marion, can do it. You’re giving me so much confidence in all I’ve written, as I said the other day, and I know by seeing how it’s all happening for you, that it is the right way for us to go - and for me to keep going with all that I’m writing and wanting to put out there. So thank you again Samantha. And I’m so pleased for you that you’re feeling better and worse and better and... and just doing your soul-healing! Just, as Marion says, living true to your feelings, and without the need to label it or anything like that - just being true!
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 22, 2014 18:50:38 GMT 10
Hi James, I read your post about Psychic bashing and I was talking about the same thing to my friend the other day and I was telling him of the utter agony I would go through every day to the extent that I could not even leave the house, the outside world was to painful to me, I couldn't even watch TV or read news papers, I was trapped in the house and locked into my self completely. How could my parents not see my pain? how could they just carry on like I was ok when my inner world was dying. I can remember even one day and it was on my 18th birthday being so close to death I called for an ambulance to take me to hospital because if I didn't I would have died, they took me and I felt safe, then they called my mum and she came in really worried, looked, at me and said "I thought something had happened to you". My heart just took the last kick in with those words. How could she say that so unlovingly to me. I was in total despair and without any love. I was so weak I could not even walk but there was no illness and I just wanted a label for this feeling, tell me what is wrong with me but all they could say was I had Psychosis, fear grabbed me at that word, then they told me to go home and celebrate with my family my 18th birthday. I was empty, hollow and dead inside void of all love and every muscle in me shook violently showing me the depths of my terror and fear, I was uncontrollable. My whole being and soul was dying and I felt if I could just slip away I would be relieved of this agony of living every painful day and I could not see myself getting to 40 years old with every day in such torment and pain, it felt like a life sentence of torture and all I could ask God was Why? how could they let me suffer in this way I just wanted to be normal but everyday I was feeling more pain from, what felt like, the worlds population, I tried to go back to work as I was following my dream career as a Hairdresser, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't touch anyone it hurt to much. I lost everything at such a young age. I lived with that pain most of my life, feeling attacked and beaten everyday and the exhaustion crippled me to the extent I couldn't move with out getting the most painful cramps in my muscles, nothing was working. All of my organs began to shut down, getting infections and illness's constantly, I was wishing for death, but it never came, I couldn't even do it myself because of the pain I would cause my family, it was never about me, how could I do it to them. I prayed to God every moment of every day to relieve me but it was constant, not letting up, I had no understanding or help for what I was experiencing just got put on anti-depressants for life. I felt no love from anyone, and it was killing me to not feel this. I was being shown the depths of how "No Love" feels and their was no point to my life without love and I can say that I have never felt it in a genuine way and the only genuine love that I have been searching for is the true love of my Mother and Father. I can truly say I have spent a life of experiencing how not having any love feels, my life was Hell every day and blacker than black and I just wanted someone to save me from it all but no one came, no one saw the depths of my torment, especially not even my parents and I can remember thinking If they cant help me then no one can. I was constantly asking God, Why? But I can see now that I have felt the evilness of no Love and how pointless and meaningless life is without Love, there is only a point to life with Love and without it everything shuts down, as I did, as I am sure the world will soon experience. Your posts with Mother have been so good to read James, as is every post and every one of them opens me up to a new feeling to heal. I have found that I can heal my self in amazing ways now and the best thing is many years ago I was told I had Lupus, and I understand that I caused it through my attacking myself so my cells were attacking me to and now I am clear of it, totally healed which is huge as they told me it was for life but I have been working on my unloving feelings that caused it and I completely understand the feelings that caused it, my body was just following my instructions and feelings about myself and cells were attacking muscles, white cells against red cells, a full on inner war reflecting the outer war of no love just attacking all stemmed from my forming years and the attack I felt from my parents, teachers, friends, environment my whole body showing me the truth of how I feel but had denied and had to manifest as Lupus.
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Post by James on Nov 22, 2014 20:30:25 GMT 10
What an incredible story Sam, every part of it. I don’t know what to say - stunned I guess at all the pain you’ve experienced, and coming so close to death, and with that inner battle raging being manifested in Lupus. It’s all so incredible. And then with your husbands death, and now doing your healing...
“But I can see now that I have felt the evilness of no Love and how pointless and meaningless life is without Love, there is only a point to life with Love and without it everything shuts down, as I did, as I am sure the world will soon experience.” Marion and I have been talking a lot this week about how there’s nothing like experiencing it to fully understand it. That one can’t just take it on mentally and understand, one has to fully live their evilness in its entirety to know the truth of it - what it feels like. And a huge part of that as the Mother said is also in the healing of it during which we can fully come to terms with it and understand it all as They want us to.
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Post by wesley on Nov 23, 2014 7:44:35 GMT 10
Oh yes. You both take me back to my childhood with my little radio hiding in the corners of my parents home. Just a blank stare and 1 radio station. I could hear things going on but no one asking or even caring a bit about me. Not a bit. They knew I was there but that's all. Nothing substantial for me. I could be lost in the house for days with no care. All I could do is lay there. Believing in nothing and no one. Which became my way in life. I would soon learn how to walk to places outside of my home with no fear of strangers thinking who would care to bother with me. This made me feel safe no matter where I went. It was very confusing but I would appear almost anywhere. No care in the world and when I returned it would be as I never left. There were no such word as love. Just waiting until I was old enough to do chores around the house. I once threaten to run away and dad with out even looking at me said "go ahead". He didn't care a bit. I still can't phantom how one can act this way to small helpless children. I just can't. And all that pain that filled me I had to tolerate. I couldn't tolerate it as an adult so I am assuming that my soul was able to endure it or else I would of been killed. They didn't care about my health physically or spiritually. Amazing. So the feelings of no love reign supreme until this very day. My sphere of dark days hover over me constantly. I'm just waiting for next one and the next one hoping I can erase their dna from me. I always wanting different parents all of my childhood. So also in my twenties I wanted no more of this life. No one cared anyway but suicide was far from my mind as it is today. And going through all these horrible feelings always keep me somehow away from suicide. Now I just long for the Truth now of the torture. But once I get out of this torture chamber that I am in and healed I can know that now I can breathe true breaths. We are all in it and we all can then rejoice once we can breathe again.
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Post by James on Nov 23, 2014 20:14:19 GMT 10
It's disgusting how we've all been treated. I am furious with mum and dad for not paying attention to me. They weren't interested in the ramblings of a four year-old. Mum didn't want to know about me 'Yes, yes, don't bother me now, I'm too busy', always too fucking busy. So I mumble, I don't reach out to her, I don't try and paint the picture I want her to understand, I don't connect, because what's the point, and she always said she knew everything I was telling her, as if nothing was ever new or a surprise to her - she the great all-psychic one. The great bullshit artist who just said yes whilst she was off in her mind wondering if that 'nice' man she just met was going to ring her up or make eye contact with her again. Fuck I want to scream with rage at her, to go back and make her pay attention to me, to make her - DEMAND, she listens to me, and answers me properly showing she's taking a genuine interest in me. But it's all too late for that now, so all I can do is keep bringing up how pissed off with her and dad I feel, all so I can keep getting in touch with these wretched feelings of feeling so unloved. Fuck her, and fuck them!
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 21, 2015 5:33:27 GMT 10
I am so sick of this awful pain, every day something, and today I have an awful sickness bug, I am so fed up with it all. I have such awful stomache pain, I hate it, my Kidneys hurt and the pain in my stomach is like being stabbed, it burns and rips at me inside. I feel in a state of dread and I just cant be bothered to have more pain inflicted on me and its all inside me, like my emotions and feelings all inside and trapped until I throw up and express all that I feel. No more please, so much pain eating at me to cause me as much pain as it can being so unloving to me. I feel so weak, like all I can do is just accept this, just give in to it and submit to its control over me, shut the shop, come home and go to bed, but I didn't want to do any of that, its not my will to be like this but I have to submit to the will of a MICROBE. I cant eat or drink or do anything slightly pleasurable, there is no pleasure for me, I have to do as I am told by this germ, do all the virus tells me to do ruining everything for me, just how its always been when I want to do my thing. This Microbe is my parents bugging me again to do there will and drop all I am doing to please them. something so invisible has the same power as them. It has me under the same power as them, fully submitting, fully in fear, fully stopping me in my tracks of doing anything I want to do, something I cant see but it has crippled me and has such a hold over me that I am in bed, weak, powerless to its demands and feeling so angry, at least I have that and I will feel all of it. I will feel all it wants me to feel, Anger, fear, sickness, grief, pain, thirst, hunger all the vast amount of feelings I feel from this virus, I will feel and use it as a great healing tool, to see all of the bad feelings it is bringing up in me to feel and heal, to scream at Mother and Father for the pain their child is in, to feel all they want me to feel at being so unloved that I have to go through this, I will just spew it all out at them how unloved I feel at this time. This virus is taking me to depths within me that I wouldn't have been able to access without it, I needed this pain and physical sickness to get to the hidden unaccessable causes of needing this sickness, to see why I have had to experience this today in such a crippling and painful way. The virus has made me understand how unaware I was as a child to being under total control of something that was hurting me inside and me thinking this was what you call love. This sickness microbe has caused me such great pain today and I cant even see it, so tiny and microscopic but causes such incredible pain to me as invisible as the cause of all of my pain and suffering which my parents called love, which all parents call love, I just didn't see it, I was so desperate for them to love me in any way. I was born sick as sick as I feel today, I had no choice then as I had no choice today but today I am aware, no I can choose to stop this by feeling it all, every bit this sickness wants me to feel, it is bringing me the opportunity to heal all of these feelings it is bringing to me today and trying to express all of my feelings whilst feeling so ill has been hard in itself but even as I have been sitting here in bed writing this and expressing my pain to anyone that wants to read it, I can feel the pain slowly softening inside me, its grip loosening around my stomach and I can feel comfort instead of intense discomfort, through expressing all of my repressed, supressed, oppressed pain I am releasing its hold on me and I am actually feeling better. I have written pages today in the height of my pain and every time I had got down to the causal emotion of that pain, at that time I felt a relief and release, I just kept on going with it. In the short time it has taken me to write this I am now feeling comfortable again and calmer than when I began writing, I will carry on accepting, expressing and finding the truth of all that I feel as the feelings come up.
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Post by James on Jan 21, 2015 22:20:01 GMT 10
I’m sorry you’re not feeling well Sam, but you’ve put it all so well; what a great post - how you worked it all through and how you see the virus as being there to help you with your healing and not just an inconvenience that has to be got rid of.
And it’s so true, feeling so controlled by the smallest form of life, feeling it has its will over you and you are so totally powerless not being able to do anything to stop it. We start off the size of a microbe in the womb, with so little power being controlled by such big all-powerful wills. And you still feel so powerless being shown by feeling so infinitesimally small with the microbe having all-power over you. It is what I love about the healing, how it’s all there, all the truth and how it comes to you in all the different ways.
How are you feeling today - has your pain continued?
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 22, 2015 9:20:16 GMT 10
Hi James
Yes I have felt so much better today, I dedicated yesterday to myself fully and put myself first by shutting the shop and going home and working on my feeling healing as this is the most important thing in my life, its all that matters to me and I did it, I healed myself out of my sickness by not denying even one feeling, feeling it all fully as the feelings came up. Today I feel ok until the next bad feeling and as I long for them constantly, it will be pretty soon.
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Post by James on Jan 22, 2015 22:21:49 GMT 10
Good, I’m glad you feel better. I’m glad you felt bad and were able to work though it all so well, and also I’m glad you feel better - if you know what I mean?
And you’ve changed your avatar picture - why was that; what led to it if it’s not too personal to ask? It was a nice surprise - oh, you’re looking different today... is that how you are feeling - different from all you’ve been going through?
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 23, 2015 3:35:11 GMT 10
Hi James
My daughter took the photo on her phone and showed me and it is a picture I liked, which felt good to say as I have hated any photo's of me and shy away from people taking my picture because of the falseness of it all and yet again, being made to have a picture taken because someone else wants to but not me, I never wanted it and I was always being told to smile, why? I would think, I don't even want to have this done its such an invasion of my will but I had to tow the line and smile for mum and dad. Faye my daughter asked if she could take it and I said yes and she liked it to and suggested I used it for my profile, I thought, yes, I will. I like the fact it is in Black and white and so naturally me with no falseness or pain involved in having to do it for someone else. It was for me and her and it being Black and White means a great deal to me as it is true to my journey, Black being truer than colour and the thought that has suddenly sprung to my mind is being told off for always wearing Black by Mum, she would say to me that I should wear some colour, but I always felt comfortable in Black and always will I suppose until I come out of my mourning of my childhood, it is the truest colour, anything else would be untrue for me and I would feel very wrong and false. I can remember some of the cloths Mum would buy me, bright Yellows, awful with ginger hair, as if that wasn't bad enough and a reason to be picked on from my first day at school, she dressed me in yellow. Being a red head gave me a cruel start in life, I liked it but the other kids didn't so it would seem I would start my life as it meant to go on, in pain. Back to the photo, I am glad to say I like it James, its true, its me.
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Post by James on Jan 23, 2015 22:21:24 GMT 10
Marion feels like you’re a kindred spirit Sam. I read her your post. She feels as you said you feel, especially that wearing black is part of her mourning her childhood.
Marion says she also wears it wanting - hoping - to disappear. She was always put in the spotlight, not like you by being made to wear Yellow for example, as her clothes were more subdued, but she herself being made to be bright, bubbly and sparkling, all of which she hated. Her mother was always cheery, making Marion brighten up and put those smiles on and beam them to the world, pinching her cheeks so they’d be all rosy - yuk! All so false, making Marion feel all she wanted to do was disappear into blackness. So wearing black as she too mostly does is her trying to hide herself from the world her mother forced her to be in. And to hide from her mother herself, hopefully she won’t notice her if she’s hiding in black - in the darkness of night. She also says it’s her being the same on the outside as she is on the inside - black. It’s a perfect match, and she does like things matching.
She says she loves the new photo of you, and particularly as it’s black and white, so there is no colour to add any falseness. And that your old photo was as if it was you for the world, whereas this new one is you for yourself. You’re not doing it for everyone else - just doing it for yourself. There is no show, nothing being put on, it being more true.
She hates it when she reads in books when someone says to another person “you’d look really nice if you put some makeup on and if you got your hair done...”, this way being the only way the person can be nice, as not being this way - how they are naturally, is not nice and no one likes them.
She loved all you said - ‘we both being so similar in our stuff.’
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 24, 2015 9:50:09 GMT 10
I understand what Marion says about wearing black to disappear, It keeps me in the shadows, unseen as I have always felt, I truly do understand that and it is where I have always felt most comfortable and felt the truth of my insignificance, never wanting to be the one to stand out in any way. What Marion says about make up and getting your hair done has brought up feelings in me to as I have been a Hairdresser most of my life and I could never interfere with anyone now in that way. Now I see my hairdressing days as only helping people to further their denial about how bad they truly feel that they think a new hair colour or cut will fix them, its all such an addiction and cover up to the truth of how much they want to avoid feeling bad, and I helped them in their denial, fixing them and making them look great whilst all the time they feel awful and full of so much denied, unloving feelings about themselves that they can barely look at themselves in the mirror. I now see how I furthered that evilness in them helping them with their façade. About six years ago I ended my hairdressing career and towards the end of it I was dragging myself to work, dreading touching anyone and as I drove to work I would be in tears, it was unbearable and I didn't really understand what was going on with me to be like this but inside my soul I knew what I was doing was wrong and not truly helping them at all or making them feel good, I was full of guilt but I didn't understand as I do now. My last few weeks of working became hell for me then I became seriously ill, the car became a right off, I got snowed in and so many occurrence's that stopped me working and in the end I couldn't have worked even if I wanted to. My soul was leading the way and I was denying it not understanding that a change was coming. I thought I would get well again and go back to work but that never happened, it took me a year to recover from being so ill and in this time I was writing journals expressing my feelings but never got to the causes so never healed fully, it was all surface emotions and a lot of asking Why me, Why me and not going deep enough to reveal the answers. I feel now that the beauty industry is such a set back to women, keeping them in that denial, Your not good enough and will not be loved without makeup, they rely on us to hate ourselves so much that we need their products to make us feel loved and accepted. It all is so wrong. Women keep the hate and denial of Woman going, we are our own worst enemy but cant see what we are doing by buying into it all. The beauty industry is one of the biggest in the world so that shows how women truly feel about themselves, they cant get enough of it, the next best anti wrinkle or what ever cosmetic and we buy into it showing the truth of how we feel about ourselves, which is, to be natural is not to be loved or accepted, there is no love here at all, its all so sick. Woman feels Ugly, Woman feels weak, Woman feels exposed, woman feels Shame, Woman feels like Nothing when she is True, Natural Woman, she could never walk out the front door being herself in fear of not being accepted all because we were never allowed to be our true selves as children, we were not accepted unless we were being how our parents wanted us to be, we watched Mummy put on make up, dye her hair, paint her nails slowly being taught that without doing all this we will not be loved or accepted by any man or by the world with out our façade. Women, Mothers are teaching future Women to be loved for the lie that they are, Love me for the lie that I am, hate me for the truth, its all so pointless and such a waste to live this lie and when Women are still feeling so unworthy and so unloving about themselves they will be denied as the deny themselves. We want to be treated equal but we are telling the world,Men and our children that we are not, we don't believe we are equal at all, all the time we are still not loving our selves,or even liking ourselves and covering up the truth of who we are, making ourselves look better so we will be accepted. Maybe Women should spend a week not putting on our make up or colouring our hair to then see how not doing this makes us feel and we will probably feel pretty bad about ourselves without our addictions and ritual of falsely making ourselves up because we are not good enough as we are. We will feel very inferior and weak and ugly and all the feelings that we have been avoiding feeling by putting on make up, we cant feel equal to men until we heal these type of unloving feelings that are the truth, the very feelings that women don't want to see about themselves, heal these and we may just begin to get somewhere in our Liberation, Women have their selves to blame for there lack of equality and Liberation and we need to get real and see the damage we do to ourselves, our children and our/their progression.
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Post by James on Jan 24, 2015 22:31:45 GMT 10
I agree with all you say Sam. Instead of a no pants day, what about a no makeup day? When I think back over the years of healing Marion and I have done together, how much of it has been spent on her feeling bad about her self-image, all the woman stuff you’ve written about, and all because her mother and father never made her feel good about herself and her looks... it’s so appallingly sad. I’m still after all these years waking up to just how bad a state we’re all in, even those people who think they have no problems and life is great.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 9, 2015 18:42:42 GMT 10
A healing experience I wrote about and expressed this week. I will write it as I wrote it in my journal.
What do you choose Sam, God or the Biscuit? Why do you always choose the biscuit ?
God/Truth Biscuit/Lie
You automatically choose the lie over the truth because the lie/the biscuit, is easier, the quicker option, the quick fix to fulfil the awful feeling inside you which is a feeling in my soul that is empty and wants to be filled and temporarily a biscuit will do it. But this will never let me get to the truth of why I want the biscuit, keeping me as far away from the truth as possible so I have to look at how I am using my Will, I am using it away from God. I am using it to keep the feeling covered up. Carry on choosing the biscuit by all means Sam, just more denial and prolonging the agony/pain when I could decide to use my will to not choose the biscuit and feel how it feels not to have the decoy and only then will I reach the cause of why I want the biscuit, what feeling it covers can only be revealed when I stop the denial by eating the biscuit and missing a chance to reveal the pain it is supressing and denying. Stop choosing the lie, stop letting the biscuit/parent control me keeping me from my true pain. Keep eating the lie/biscuit and I am using my will to stay out of harmony with my Mother and father by avoiding my healing and taking the quick fix. FEEL how it FEELS to not have it. My will mush be stronger towards the biscuit rather than My Parents, What am I doing!! I am using my will to keep my from God to keep my in all of the addictions I have that keep me from feeling, just as my parents did, they stopped me from feeling and now all of these decoys I use are doing the same, keeping me from the truth and keeping me from My True parents. Why would I ever choose them over God? I am using my will against God when I choose my decoys, it is saying I don't want God and I am using my will to choose that. I am living and trusting my addictions that keep me from feeling my painful bad feelings, I am trusting the false quick fix feelings I get from feeding my addictions that keep me from feeling, and when I look at my day to day life I have many things I choose to avoid feeling and I do them all so naturally. I have had a real light bulb moment about just how many things I do day to day to avoid feeling and I thought I was doing so well. I went to take that biscuit out of the tin just now and it struck me really hard, what am I doing and why am I doing it and only by not having it did I feel the awful pain of not having, missing out, loss, not having anything nice, not having anything to look forward to, if I don't have it I will feel bored, what now, what can I do, I am bored, I am alone and bored, I am sad and alone and I want the biscuit to take that feeling away, it is sweet and puts some sweetness back in my life, but it is not the truth of how I feel, I don't feel sweet I feel empty and alone with nothing sweet in my life, the biscuit or chocolate or tea or food is the fulfilment in my life filling up the emptiness and boredom of that emptiness, that is what I have to feel and express and find the truth of and if I eat that biscuit or drink that tea I will be using my will to choose to not feel and heal that bad feeling so what do I choose GOD or the BISCUIT? Now through examining all of my decoys and writing them down during my day I am choosing God and working through the feelings of not having them and revealing the truth of the pain they were covering, I am now choosing to feel even deeper nearly every minute of the day and seeing truly just how many decoys I use during the day, things that came so naturally but were all avoidance of feeling, and I tell you that virtually everything in my day is a decoy that will all have to be worked through and I am asking myself why I am doing what I choose to do and it always comes back to avoiding a feeling that I am choosing not to feel and it all has to change because I am now using my will to get closer to God through analysing the way in which I choose to use my will, its such a revelation to me and has opened me up to so much more truth of why I am doing things in my life, its all denial and a lie, all so far away from God and I have chosen that but I am now aware and want to use my will to feel it all and work through healing it all. I have discovered I have a very well developed will but have been using it to deny and avoid feeling in my day to day life in the little things I do so naturally, its all wrong, and I feel so excited about it, excited about the fact that I see it and in that awareness and only by having that can I heal and turn it all around. I have a great list of the silliest of things that I do but they are all so important to me because they keep me from God and I can stop that now, and heal it all by feeling how it feels to not do them, its all so painful, so hard but I am so excited by the knowing that I will become closer to My True Parents through doing this.
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Post by James on Feb 9, 2015 22:50:27 GMT 10
You sure do have a strong will if you can stop doing all those things you do to avoid your feelings and instead just allow yourself to feel the pain they are hiding. I can’t do it. I’ve tried with so many of my things but I’m too pathetic. I just keep doing them, speaking about my patheticness, longing for them to go away or for me to find the strength to stop doing them... and every now and then incredibly, they do go away or I just stop doing them no longer feeling I want to. That’s been the most amazing part of my healing. Marion and I both wrestle with stopping, trying to stop, then saying fuck it and keep going, round and round, but overall we get closer to ending it, and then as I said, things to end, we do change. We’re still working on our main big things some of which have over all these years only changed a little.
I read in a novel a few days ago, a son saying his mother ate because food was the only thing she could have power over. She could move the food around her plate at her command, it was completely subject to her will, it didn’t resist or fight back, she was the all-powerful one. And she was very fat.
And yesterday a realisation came up for me about my relationship with food, and my tendency to overeat. That food for me when I was very young was one of the only real things in my life, it held substance - was tangible, I could hold it, put it in my mouth and chew it, and it gave me nice feelings, unlike all what mum and dad said, all that was mind stuff, unreal in many ways, and only gave me bad feelings. I was made to live the mind things like they were as real as food, which has caused me many problems, when they were only fantasy bullshit from them, expressions of their untruth. Food was not untrue, it was real and true and I could count on it - I couldn’t count on them. I could trust food, not them. Food didn’t leg me over, food was my friend, not my enemy. Food didn’t yell at me, suddenly surprise me scaring me, food didn’t tell me off and make me feel humiliated, it didn’t chastise me. Food was real, they weren’t real - not real people. Food was natural, they were unnatural. And I also used food as a means of having power, I could get my own food as I got older, I had the say over it, I consumed it. It would rebel once and while when it would make me sick. But that was always blamed on the supplier of the food, they, a person, a shop, had done the wrong thing by selling dodgy food.
And of course it was a my main comforter. Food instead of the truth was my comfort, as I was denied growing in truth through my experiences right from the beginning. Lately I’m often wondering what my life would have been like, and what I would have felt, had I been able to grow up with truth being my primary source of nourishment, with everything else being secondary and only what provided the experiences that gave rise to the feelings that gave rise to truth.
I worried that you’d stopped coming to the forum, or had gone away again for a while, which brought up more bad feelings, all good stuff as usual. And I’m glad you are still here.
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Post by wesley on Feb 10, 2015 18:35:30 GMT 10
Hi Samantha I enjoyed reading your post on the biscuits and all the decoys. I feel the same with the things going on in my life.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 11, 2015 6:15:16 GMT 10
Hi James and Wesley
It is so good to read the different experiences on the same subject. I saw/see food as being the controller, it controlling me as my parents did/do, all of my decoys are a projection of my parents control over me, as my decoys control me being so addicted to them, trusting them, believing them, needing them, as I did my parents but only to find the love I have for them and they have for me, is a lie, its not true, all denial to keep me from my feelings as my parents did and the more I us my will to feed my addictions, the further I get away from My True Parents by not feeling the pain my addictions are covering up.
Thanks for reading it Wesley, I read your posts to and get a lot from them, they always trigger feelings in me, you write very well.
I have been healing constantly, not only during the day but at night I am getting recurrent dreams and last night I had the same dream as the night before and I woke up to write it all down and reveal the truth of how I felt, this was at about 2am. I put the tv on in the lounge and the film that was on was at the scene that was an exact re- enactment of my dream, I was very disturbed by it as it was awful but re affirmed I needed to deal with this now, so I spent the night healing through my feelings. It has all been so intense, more than ever. Its also good that my absence has brought up more feelings for you James. I am tired now so I will leave it there for tonight and speak very soon.
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Post by Sam M on Feb 14, 2015 8:18:55 GMT 10
A healing experience I was going through today.
I am no longer receiving the flow of Divine Love as I was and I feel so confused and abandoned by not feeling it in the way I was. It was never a constant flow but when it came I felt so incredibly loved for a while and it flowed through me in waves of rainbow rain as I would call it, now I long and Long and Long, day and night and receive nothing and have even got to the point of longing and telling myself that it is pointless, nothing will come. I am so confused as to why I am not being heard, am I not being sincere in my longing? is it not earnest enough? I feel very sad and in deep pain as to why I am not feeling the flow and all attempts appear futile.
I feel that Mother and Father want me to feel the truth of how it felt about not receiving the love I needed from my physical parents as this is the same futile feeling. With me doing all I can to make Mum and Dad proud of me and make them happy but none of my efforts working, I was getting nowhere as I am feeling at the moment. Nothing was working with Mum and Dad so I gave up and just submitted to being just One of 4 kids, we were all one, never really being seen as individual with different qualities and needs. There was nothing I could do to prove to them I was deserving of their love in the way I needed it all efforts were pointless, as I am feeling now with Mother and Father. I feel exhausted with Longing for their Love and getting nowhere, there is nothing at the end of my longing which is how it was with Mum and Dad and I am seeing that now, through my lack of Divine Love from Mother and Father I am seeing how it felt and how frustrating and angry I felt at being forgotten, unseen, them not even thinking for one minute I was being effected by their lack of love, taken for granted that I was fine. I think I have answered my question about why has the Divine Love flow stopped, It has to so that I can feel the truth of how unloved I felt, if I was receiving Love I could never feel this pain of not receiving love and not know the truth of how I felt with Mum and Dad. I feel so flat, so lifeless today and it all seems so pointless without love, so Black, I feel Black and a deep feeling of mourning my lack of love, I am very lost and confused, I have totally flat lined today. Life is so pointless and without meaning without love and to have felt Divine Love flow and to then not feel it is just how it was with Mum and Dad, all so confusing, loved one minute when I had pleased them and they were happy, then nothing or Anger from them when I had dis-pleased them, Am I loved or not? all so confusing and I feel like that now with Mother and Fathers Love but I am understanding what is happening now as I am writing.
What have I done wrong? Am I not sincere enough? Why are you being so cruel? Why are you making me feel so confused and in so much pain? I don't feel loved but abandoned, all how it was with my parents, exactly the same. I feel such a mental confusion today and it has made me feel like a child, back there again feeling how unfair it all is. I am even feeling the deep anxiety and panic I used to feel every day and I haven't felt that for ages but today feeling the pain of not receiving Gods Love, I feel as I did back then, not receiving my parents love in the way I needed it, full of fear and panic. My body feels the fear of the lack of love and it fears its survival without love it is a shaking wreck. I am now beginning to truly understand why I suffered from panic and anxiety for so many years. I felt no love. My mind has gone back into that confusion of no love and my body just wants to shut down and sleep but that would be denying all my feelings at this time when I have to express it all now, while I am in it. Wow I am having a bad one, I feel incredibly bad, just like how I used to feel, this Lack of feeling Gods love/my parents love has brought it all back for me to deal with and I can see it all now and what its all been about. I have been if a fog all day with a crazy, confused mind, geez I have felt awful today being back in that unloving energy but it is time to deal fully with it. I am feeling how it feels to feel no love, how I felt every day but never knew why back then I just thought I was schizophrenic, another one of my unloving families qualities. All that I went through is a result of feeling no love and this has now entered my soul as a truth because I can feel it and It never would have entered my in this way had I been receiving the flow of Divine Love, oh wow, I now understand the depths of the cause of my anxiety and panic and all of those years of suffering, and only today am I understanding, through my feelings, that my physical fear, panic, terror and anxiety has all been a manifestation of the fearful, unloving condition of my soul. I felt no love as I am feeling with Mother and Father now, I have had to feel that again to really get it.
After I wrote all this and lots more of my deep feelings today, I became so clear and I knew I had reached a truth because I felt it release inside me and I cried with relief, the feeling was so wonderful and I felt so sure without doubt that it had finally entered me and it all made sense, instantly, as soon as the truth was revealed all of my pain cleared, all of my confusion cleared, all of my anxiety cleared, I felt light.
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Post by James on Feb 14, 2015 22:04:31 GMT 10
Another incredible healing experience for you Sam. And what a great example of projecting your mother and father onto the Mother and Father - as we all do. And so They are helping you come back to your relationship with your parents by not giving you Their Love. It's all so perfect - loving.
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Post by James on Feb 14, 2015 22:38:07 GMT 10
Also, I love knowing now that my soul controls what’s good for me to eat and I don’t have to think about it, as in trying to work out what is good for my health. I don’t care about my health anymore.
I love knowing that the more I progress in living true to my feelings, then my feelings will lead me to the foods I feel like eating, how much and how often. It’s all so easy.
I was reading how tests in many health food minerals and vitamin supplements in America were nothing more than grass and wood shavings, all fake. So to no longer worry about such things anyway, simply responding to my feelings, takes such a load off my mind. And if I feel bad at any time, which often I do, as I have lots to do with my relationship with food that I’m uncovering the truth of, I work thought it knowing I’ll get what I need, even if I need to be sick.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 15, 2015 21:11:11 GMT 10
I am going to post another experience of my healing that happened to me today. I don't expect any replies but I feel that it is important to post how I heal certain emotions and pains so that others that come to this site can have an idea of how I experience feeling healing, and it will be different for everyone in there experiences with their repressed childhood feelings. I feel that this is a way that I can contribute, to record my healings that work so incredibly well for me that I actually feel the pain leave and lift out of me as I heal. As I say I don't expect a reply to every one of my posts, only if you truly feel you want to then do as you feel, but I feel it important to share the way I do it, because it works so well for me.
I really hurt myself just now and all that Alex (my Son) could do was laugh and say I sounded like Michael Jackson because of my yelps of pain, and it really hurt. I received nothing from Trevor either, no word of care or caring gesture so I just cried at how unloved I felt, no care, no love, no attention, or sympathy from anyone. I felt so angry at their unlovingness towards me. Bashing my elbow like that caused me so much pain showing me just how unloved I feel and how uncared about I have always felt. I cried not at the physical pain but at the emotional pain of no one caring and its always been the same for me, " Oh Sam, its all ok, come on, your tough" with a little laugh to lighten the mood and make me feel better, my parents always did that with me, try to make it better or help me to deny what had happened so I didn't go on and on. I wanted to be cared about and loved and told that I could cry and cry about it and to let it all out but crying got me nowhere so I just stopped crying or showing emotion because it was all so futile. Showing pain and emotion got me no love or care and my bashing my elbow this morning has brought that all back. I have today been able to connect back in with those feelings that I felt as a child and reflect on the unloving way I was shown to deal with pain and emotion, just bottle it all up and put the lid on because no one cares and it all feels so hopeless. Today in that experience I felt like a child again as I always do when healing, this tells me I am on the right track, I can actually feel as I did then even if I don't remember the actual incident, I feel as a child again. As a child, when I felt pain, I felt the same rage and emption as I felt today when bashing my elbow, wow, that anger rising in m so powerful, such rage that no one cared that I had hurt myself, like I was invisible or didn't exist, that is just how it feels like I don't even exist when I received no care or love. I have been taken back to my childhood when I hurt myself I would feel an aggression that just wanted to smash up the place or beat my pillow but couldn't even do that without being told off for my expression of anger. Bashing my elbow this morning has brought up so much for me about how unloved I truly feel and only by experiencing this physical pain can I access the deep repressed emotional pain that I haven't been able to get to. Feeling the rage instantly that the pain caused, then the emotional rage at no one caring but to take the mick or not even comment about my well being, that hurt. So much has come up and all I wanted was for my son or Trevor to ask am I ok, to show some sign that they care, have some loving attention so now I feel an anger at their unlovingness. They are my parents, they are showing me how I felt about not receiving the love I needed from my parents and it really has hurt today. I am projecting my parents onto them and I see it all. I see through them my parents lack of love for me and the anger I have felt since to all displays of lack of love for me in all of my relationships. All I have felt is denial of Love from all I have met, I feel it today from Trevor, My son, my parents, all my past relationships and God all showing me the denial, rejection, abandonment that I truly feel from everyone and God all coming from my little bash on the elbow which has brought up all of these unloving feelings.
Last night I continued with my sincere prayers to God to keep showing me in every moment my unhealed repressed pain, I want it all to come up for me to see and to heal and this morning as soon as I opened my eyes I got what I asked for. I bashed my elbow and all the emotional pain I couldn't access came flooding up for me to feel about my unloving childhood repressed pain and anger and never getting the love I needed through the unloving actions of todays bashing of my elbow. This is how it has always been for me and today I feel it more than ever. My true Mother and Father have heard my and sent me what I need, which is all I have ever asked for, to be loved enough to receive what I need, they have brought to me this unloving experience today to feel the depths of how unloved I feel and have always felt and this has brought up within my soul all the feelings I need to feel about my unloving treatment and the denial of love I have always felt. My true parents have let me cry about it, be angry about it, express all of the anger I have needed to feel without interfering or restriction or telling me off for displaying anger, I have been allowed to express myself and my anger and pain without suffocation or being stifled in any way. This is how I feel truly loved by my True parents and I am now feeling happy and free to express myself without restriction but even being encouraged by them to express my self fully in any way I want to, I now feel very free and happy and can feel my Mother and Father smiling upon me in my weakness and it is very liberating to have this freedom of expression at last.
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