Yes, it is all perfect and just as you say. I’ll send this to John, no doubt he’ll like to include in a Pascas Paper. I’m currently becoming more aware of again just how angry I am - how so much is in me, and in me from every moment with them, all because they are ‘infecting’ me, pushing me to be untrue in every moment. I have been raging with it, wanting it all out of me, I feel so drained and like I’m sick and half alive most of the time, as if I’ve got a cold, miserable, powerless, crunched, defeated, and angry about it all. I can’t wait until I have expressed them out of me.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Its 3am and I am up with terrible back pain, I feel awful. I cant move properly in fear of making it worse, one wrong move and it feels like it will lock up completely and even to breath is agony. I am so scared of it, so scared to do anything to make it worse and already I am feeling this is how I feel about my dad. This pain is my dad and I am terrified of him and making him angry so I am locked up in fear, to scared to make a move in case I anger him.
The pain is right across the lower middle of my back and the pain feels like it wants to separate from me and I know that doesn't make much sense to read it but it is the feeling it gives me, its so severe if I move, that it feels like my muscles are separating from my skeleton, coming apart. I am so scared of it.
I was laying in bed to afraid to roll over or move because I could feel the threat of more pain and if I just stayed perfectly still I would be ok, I wouldn't anger it, like the pain wouldn't notice me and this is all how I felt with dad as a child, this pain is my dad and me trying to keep it happy by not moving or doing anything. It is me trying to not exist to my dad so he doesn't notice I am there. I didn't want to exist to him, it would be better if I didn't then I wouldn't have to make him angry and feel the fear.
I have to keep coming back to the pain in my back and moving slightly to feel the pain more deeply so I can express the feelings it is giving me, I now want the pain because it is helping me to connect to the fear of existing to my dad and how I wished I didn't. I want to stand up now but I am scared to because it feels like my back will separate from me and drop to the floor, that is how it feels, like my muscles shift downwards and the pain is so bad that I cant breathe and I am scared of moving and having to feel that pain. I am now feeling a burning sensation in my lower back muscles as I speak about it and the pain is moving down to my bum. It is like I have two huge lumps of supressed feelings either side of my back, like I am carrying them there under my skin all collected there and they cant move.
I am going to get up and walk around..........
That felt ok, heavy and the lumps feel like they are still there but better. I have been expressing this to God while I was in bed so I have been healing it for a while and I think it is working as I express it further, I am not just writing it I am speaking it then typing, getting it out of me so I can hear it. The pain id definitely changing and shifting but I am scared to speak to soon, I am going back to bed now and I feel a bit scared to lay down in case it comes back but I will just have to keep expressing the pain and what feelings it gives me to reveal more truth, that's the beauty of it, I get to know more about myself, more truth of how I feel and I love that feeling when I have connected to truth, I just know it, it is like a switch in me that lights me up inside and says "Yes, this is it, this is the truth". The feeling is so spot on for me and I love it when it happens.
Oh my God I am so fucked of and I need to have a rant. I just sat outside to feel the sun in peace and my neighbour comes out and catches me and instantly, as soon as I saw her my whole soul slumped with dread, I don't want to be seen, leave me alone, cant you see I just want to be alone. All she had to say was hello, or nothing at all, I don't care but she came up to the fence and began her droning on about this pain and that problem and I was showing how disinterested I was but she didn't take the hint.
Why cant I just say, sorry I'm not interested, I just want to be alone. I cant do it. I cant be true to her about how I feel, I cant hurt her feelings, she is mum and dad and I have to listen to all of their droning on at me when I don't want to hear it but I have to sit and pay attention and look like I care. All I want to do is scream "For fuck sake FUCK OFF and leave me alone, cant you see I am wanting to be alone" They demand I take notice of them and listen and respond because they need to be listened to because they were so disrespected by their parents, now I have to do all of the listening and pretend I want to, I DONT!!!
I feel such a failure, such a fraud, so pathetic that I cant be true to her and say what I feel, just say "I am not interested and I just want to be alone". She would take it to heart and hate me for ever and I cant do that to her, to mum and dad. Shit I feel like I have got no where in my healing, I am still the useless pathetic wimp that I always was. I still cant stand up for myself and my neighbour has shown me that today. I was just hoping she would get the message and not go on but she went on and on and I never got my peace or to enjoy the sun because as soon as she had done with me the clouds came over and it went grey so fuck her.
I feel totally flat now, useless and disrespected, of no regard to anyone, not thought of at all and not cared about just as long as I am there for everyone to sound off on, I don't think they even see me. Shit I want to cry I feel so invisible and unimportant to everyone. Just there for their needs, Fuck it what about me!!
My neighbour has shown me the truth of how it was for me with mum and dad, they had no regard for me and my feelings, no respect of my privacy, I was nothing to them, existing not for myself but for them alone. Everyone can do what they want with me, use me completely and I am not allowed to moan about it, I have to put up with it all. I am not allowed to say how unfair it is and what about me, they wouldn't be interested. My neighbour would never want to hear about my shit just as mum and dad didn't, I had to keep it all to myself going round and round in my mind with rage and fury about not being considered, heard or seen. Fuck them all. I am so angry at them and at me at being so pathetic still, not being able to say how I feel in fear of upsetting my neighbour but it is ok to upset me, yes, anyone can upset me its fine, that is what I was born for, to lay all of your shit on me and I have to take it all without any moaning. What a useless life, I feel so set back by this, I actually caught myself being how I was with mum and dad, Just being nice and polite and inside feeling the total opposite, please fuck off and leave me alone. Shit, shit, shit I am still so useless, they are still so in me telling me to be polite and suck it all up, listen to everyone and be there for them, it is rude to show disinterest, you will hurt the other persons feelings, show interest Sam. Fuck it, I feel there is no way out of this for me, they are so inside of me I want to claw them out, rip myself open and claw them out of me, I feel possessed by them, I am living my life through them being inside me possessing everything that I do, taking it over and controlling it through me, their host. Oh my God, "Where am I" in all of this, I don't feel like I play any part in my own life it is all them, making all of my decisions based upon their errors put into me and it is driving me crazy.
I feel so set back today since my conversation with my neighbour, like I have got nowhere but I have understood deeper how I am them and all they want me to be in every instant them, them, them, them NOT ME. Oh fuck I wish I could be different and not so pathetic, I feel so useless. I can only be the useless and pathetic creation of my parents no matter how much I hate it I am that and nothing else and I cant try to be anything else, I am trapped in them so I have to be that, I cant fight it so I will just have to be it and feel my way through it all and how much I hate it. I can only give in to it and submit to being them and it makes me feel so sad, so weak and so powerless to see the truth of how pathetic I am and how much they have me under their control.
Last Edit: Jun 15, 2018 19:44:21 GMT 10 by samantha9
Today, I don't know who I am, I feel like I am meeting a person that I have nothing in common with.
Over night I had some changes happen to me and I woke up very early and went through the house and packed up all my cloths and bits and pieces around the house that I could not see any purpose for. I took them to the charity shop as soon as they opened and I couldn't wait to get them out of my house and away from me, I hated them. As the day has gone on I feel strange and I don't know myself, something in me has changed and I feel so hollow inside as more things leave me of who I used to be. I no longer feel like I used to and need to get rid of the things I used to love, I want them out and as far away from me as they can get.
I am in the middle of something changing in me as boredom has been with me all day because I have no connection to anything I would have done as Sam, that name no longer even feels right, it is not me, I don't know who I am. All I can do is feel this time out. Constantly feeling how strange I am feeling. I feel like I am shedding a skin. I no longer feel like Sam, I don't know who I am as I get rid of more of my things, I want it all out. None of it is right. Everything is tainted with the approval of my parents, I bought it all for them and that, I am now aware of, they bought it all through me and I hate it all, it all has to go. I feel like I am slipping away and I don't know who I am when I am not Sam, the girl my parents created but it feels like she is dying and it feels like I am coming out of a fantasy, a dream and emerging into reality as I clear more and more stuff, more and more feelings.
I want to write about this feeling, shit, its been an awful time for me going through this, so tough and hard to feel while your whole world is spinning out of control.
I am scared all the time, while I am in it; and when I am not because I fear it coming back at any time no matter where I am. I need to write about it and get it out of me, all the feelings it makes me feel.
Dread, an awful feeling of dread inside of me, that the awful thing is coming for me at any time day or night as I have been waking up with it too, as soon as I lift my head the room spins and it throws me into panic and having to hold on to what ever I can or I am going over. Helplessness because I have no control over my body, I cant do anything, I cant even get to the loo on my own and once I am on it the whole room is moving and I am terrified. Hopelessness, I feel that I will never get out of this, I am trapped in this awful state and their is no hope for me, I have to resign myself to the fact that this is it for me, I feel so hopeless and that I have been given a huge crash course in the accumulation of my denied feelings, all jumbled up in one hit and thrown at me to feel, its huge. I feel so lost and hopeless, I want it to go away and leave me alone, I want some peace, I am tired and worn out now, I have no more energy in me to fight this. It is all hopeless and I am feeling the lowest I have felt in a very long time and it brings back the feelings I used to have of being so hopeless with no way out, no escape. I have no control over my body, all control is being stripped away from me in such a cruel way and I feel I have been plunged down into my worst terrors, of losing all control over everything. I have nothing left in me. I feel so insecure and out of balance and I am seeing my inner compass with the needle spinning round and round out of all control, this is me, no direction, no guidance and all alone to make all of the decisions my self and I am scared of that, I want help, its to much for me to do alone, I am spinning out of control with the crushing fear of doing this on my own, changing, not knowing what I am changing into, or who. Who am I, I don't know and that scares me. The more I heal the more of the old me I am losing, the more afraid I am becoming, what is going to happen to me??
I am feeling shock, panic, shit I am feeling every bad feeling I have ever had and denied, it is all coming at me and I am overwhelmed by it all, crushed, spinning, falling. I am scared to drive to go out in case it happens to me in public and I will be alone and so humiliated to have people see me like that, helping me as I cling to the walls. All so crushing, so weak, so POWERLESS, a shell of a person who is devastated. I see others and I want to be them, why cant I be well like them but of course I know they are not well but they are not feeling as terrible as I am in their denial of all of their feelings, I am no longer denying them so I am feeling them and this is all a part of my healing and what I need to feel to heal, I know that but it is the worst for me as I look at everyone else and they are not suffering as I am, its so bad and I feel like I will never get out of it, I feel like I am in Hell, like I am being punished for all the wrong that I have done and this is the consequence of that and all I can do is to feel my way through it.
This is all the disrespect, self hatred, self loathing, loss and every thing else taking me over as I feel so many awful feelings attached to it, it really is my monster under the bed that has finally caught up with me, shit, shit, shit I am so scared. I am so swamped by this feeling it controls everything I do, my whole life, is this really how bad it was for me as a child? have I really denied this much pain? YES, fucking YES, my feelings are telling me the truth of how it was for me and I was this fucking scared in my "loving" family that I believed was so perfect. This is a complete turn around in my beliefs and my feelings are telling me how I really felt, spinning out of control constantly - Powerless.
I am feeling the loss of stability I felt as a child and I can feel the child in me saying yes, I lost all stability because I had lost my dad emotionally from birth, no, conception, he wasn't present for me so one half of me was dead and the other half of me was carrying that weight pretending it could cope, was tough, was ok, was strong but it was all lies, all denial of the truth of how unstable I was without the love I needed to make me truly strong and powerful because of the truth of feeling loved equally by mum and dad. I felt some love from mum but none from dad, how can anyone feel stable like that, how can anyone feel like they exist when love is not present. The love I needed from mum and dad was not there for me so I have no direction, no stability, no security, no safety, no consistency in my life so no wonder I am feeling like I am spinning out of control, my inner compass has been fucked right from conception, I had no chance.
All I can do is continue to feel my way through this scary time of uncertainty with my Vertigo, and it is MINE, all MINE and although I am terrified of the feelings it brings, I know they are mine and my tools to help me heal but even saying all that, things I know with my mind, the truth is I am fucking terrified of my own feelings and pain. I am my own Monster all of my denied and supressed feelings created it into the powerful creature it is today and it is all me, I am scared of mum and dad and me and the shit I have chosen to believe from my mum and dad and I am doing this to myself because I have denied and supress my feelings from childhood, not to feel them because I never felt I could and it just became natural to not feel my feelings but put them away never knowing what I was doing to myself. I am in a spin because I don't know what truth is, I am confused and lost my way, I don't know anything any more, nothing. What a fuck up!!!
Last Edit: Jul 21, 2018 19:39:12 GMT 10 by samantha9
Its a few hours on and I am feeling so much better. I have been doing a lot of shouting and raging and crying it all out of me and I actually feel so much better, understanding that I am terrified of losing control of everything, I am to scared to let it all go, I don't trust that I will be ok and it is all up to me to fix this, that is my belief, that I have to do it on my own and I cant, I don't know how I can and that is what I have been talking to God about, how I cant do it all alone. How I am so scared of what is going to happen to me when all of my security goes. All I can see is my whole life spiralling out of control if I don't do what I should do and get a job to keep me afloat. You may think that is an easy choice, just go and get a job, but its not, I look at all the jobs and I just cant do it, I cant go back to it all, it would be against everything I feel. I cant physically go through the process of getting back into work now I am healing. Its a weird feeling but my whole being shuts down when I look through the jobs on line, it is not me any more and that doesn't mean I am to good to work now, it just means that I am being led by my feelings and I cant over ride them with my mind to just go and get a job to earn money, I think it would kill me to be in that environment again, there is nothing I can see myself doing, but what do I do??? I don't know and I feel my Vertigo is the physical feeling of how I am feeling emotionally, I feel like I am terrified and I am spinning out of control. I just don't know what direction to go in and my feelings are that I don't want to go back into working so I have to go with them but I am so scared about what will happen to me and for the first time I don't have anyone to look after me, its all down to me. Shit I am so terrified.
Last Edit: Jul 22, 2018 2:54:22 GMT 10 by samantha9
Its the next day and I am feeling so much better now, a few dizzy spells but the spinning has stopped. I am still expressing all I am feeling even down to the wobbly, unbalanced feelings I am experiencing as they are still scary but I am improving greatly. I am asking for the truth constantly to be shown to me of all I feel, I am in constant conversation with God, my Angels and spirit helpers to help me through this, to help me get to the truth of all I am feeling.
Last Edit: Jul 22, 2018 21:07:07 GMT 10 by samantha9
Hi Sam, Vertigo is one of those terrifying things where no one around you can do anything at all to assist you. Nothing you have done before helps at all, almost nothing you can do now helps at all - it's just you - spinning out of control!!! - on your own with all you know and cherish about the world spinning away from you toward oblivion. Perhaps I see things differently to you in that, what appears as your apparent self-loathing seems to overwhelm you perhaps spinning your mind and your conscious understanding away from who and where you are into a whirlpool of strange ideas and worries and your description of facing the vertigo seems like - it will go on forever and will not stop. The dread that thinking "this will happen again" brings up within you is phenomenal. Having a tiny experience of vertigo with Meniere's, I choose to face it as an experience, one that must just be accepted in the "now" as uncontrollable but one that will lessen and end eventually. It sounds a bit like a metaphor for a healing process - one that has a process to go through with an end in sight. I have no idea what you, James and Marion go through with your healing process, but for what it's worth, I choose to embrace the loss of control of vertigo when it occurs but look toward the end rather than lose hope in the spinning of being overwhelmed. L
So good to hear from you again, where have you been? I was surprised to see you reply to me as you have not been on here for ages. The very first thing you wrote is one of my huge fears, " That NO ONE can do anything to help me", I am so scared about being alone with my feelings as the overwhelm me like a huge wave that will crush me and that is hoe Vertigo feels and I will add here that I have not had any bouts of it recently but lay in wait of it happening again like a bully that I know is going to get me every day and is waiting for me around the corner. I have had to feel how alone I have always felt as these feelings have brought a lot of that up for me to feel. And yes, you are right 'It is just me sinning out of control' it sure is and I cant control it and giving in to something I fear so terribly is so hard and will be a gradual process as I dip my toe into the feelings of it bit by bit until I feel ready to immerse myself fully into the terror. Every time it comes back, I will feel a bit more of it but that is easy to say when I am not in it, when it comes, which is in an instant and out of the blue, I am so filled with terror it is very hard to let it consume me but I did notice myself sitting on the edge of my bed and accepting it a little bit more which is new and good progress.
You are also right in what you say about me thinking it will never end and it will control me for ever which is how I have felt with my parents, being in their control all my life and then suddenly not when I grew up, it was a shock for me and how do I cope with out them, my life will spiral out of control and I cant cope on my own as all I knew was them controlling me, life terrified me without them, they made many of the decisions and choices for me and any I did make was only as far as they would let me go, they were in my mind with every choice I made, would they approve or not, so I was still keeping them happy and they were still in control of me. It has never ended.
I feel so battered by it and I feel beaten up afterwards, exhausted and need to sleep. And only after I have gone through it all can I really work on the feelings it has left me with and those are many. Feeling trapped by it, like I will never get out of it or be normal again, I am blighted by it and it controls me and stops me doing so much, even walking, I cant do it when I am in it. I am trapped completely in a hopeless place that I will never get out of feeling like I will be crushed by it and killed into being nothing, the nothing I have always fought against being, so I made sure I was something in life all of which never lasted and I went back to my feelings of Nothingness.
Vertigo traps me from every angle, I cant escape and I always need to know I can escape from somewhere and not be trapped and controlled. So Vertigo is helping me see how being out of control makes me feel, it is a healing process for me and is the only way I am able to feel the truth of my fears of being controlled and being trapped and not present in my own body, not in control of it and feeling like my life is not my own but I am owned by someone else which is how I felt at home and in all relationships, trapped and controlled so I cant be myself, I am not free when I am in those circumstances and all relationships are bad because they take me and have their way with me and I am out of control, I am no longer me but have to be what everyone else wants me to be, I am trapped and out of control, spinning out of control as I lose myself again.
Thank you Loki for giving me the chance to get more out of me by what you have written, it has helped me see deeper into my fear of being trapped and the terror that brings.
I want to tell whoever reads this about a healing experience I have realised within me of late. I have been suffering from really bad stomach problems and recently they have got so bad I have to be close to a Loo because I cant hold my food, as soon as I eat I am on the loo and feeling really bad.
I have been a Vegan for about four years now and a vegetarian for most of my life as I hate meat, even as a child I couldn't really eat it, I just couldn't swallow it so going Vegan was easy for me but it did mean cutting out Cheese and milk chocolate and other stuff I loved but contained dairy or animal products so I cut it all out and found nice alternatives but I have noticed that since becoming vegan my stomach problems have been worse and gradually, through my healing of these problems I have realised what I have been doing and that is NOT BEING TRUE!!!
I have been doing it all with my mind when I thought it was how I really felt, I felt I really was doing something good for myself and humanity but my true feelings were saying NOooooooo, we want the crap, we want the bad stuff, we want all the shit you can put into your body. I was not being true to my feelings that were screaming out for the foods that matched my emotions, bad emotions want bad food not good raw pure food, I am not good, raw or pure, its all a lie I am telling myself and I am denying my bad feelings that want to eat what they want which is all the food I have been cutting out.
So this explains to me why my body has been rejecting all of the good food I have been eating, my feelings don't want it. My bad feelings want to meet their match and be fed all they need to comfort them, not good food but bad. And its not even bad food, its just the food that matches the truth of my feelings, my body is not healed enough to digest a Vegan diet yet, I am still in the throws of my healing and must stay true to what my feelings want and feel for why I want those sort of comfort foods, what feelings in me want comforting and why and this is all done through my feelings. Eating a Vegan diet is not being true to my feelings it is using my mind to be good or be what I believe a good person should be like, a person who wants to contribute to humanity but my feelings have been telling me something else, something like fuck it all and just give us what we need.
I am still not eating meat because it isn't in me to do that, my feelings don't want it at all so that is easy for me but my feelings want cheese, chocolate and other dairy products and I have now listened to them and introduced these foods to my diet and I am so much better now I am living truer to my feelings and matching how bad I feel with the equivalent in food and at the same time asking mother and father to help me find the truth of those feelings that crave that type of food. Feeling the cravings fully and it is dementing just how strong they are, my feelings want and need so much to quieten them and satisfy them to be fulfilled, it is crazy at times and I feel like I cant do it, they are to strong for me and I eat the food and give in, I give my feelings what they want and they don't reject any of it.
All I can do is to be true to how I feel and now I know that I wasn't doing that by being on a full Vegan diet, my feelings didn't want it, my mind did and I know that now. Not to force it on me but just slow down and go with how I really feel and be true to that instead of saying no to myself with my mind and feeling so neglected and rejected at having to do without, that is how I was treated as a child but I don't have to do that to myself, I can say YES but at the same time feel through why I want it, what emotions are at the core of all my wants and needs to find the truth.
Last Edit: Aug 11, 2018 20:03:43 GMT 10 by samantha9
God, there is endless stuff to work through about it because it’s become our primary comforter that’s got all fucked up and shouldn’t be what we’ve made it into and need it for - our substitute for the lack of parental love. Wanting the food to love us and make us feel loved it not its role.
We just don’t know what’s going to happen, where our Healing is going to take us. Every day lately I’m done in ending with the same truth - I don’t know, I don’t understand, nothing makes sense.
I can’t bring myself to post an update on the forum or reply to you there. It just keeps going, day after day, more bad feelings, more of the same. I hate it all so much, as does Marion. She just has these mad flip episodes when she says she feels really good. She’s good then bad then back again, over and over, half a day, a whole day of each.
Two things I’m still coming to grips with about myself - one is that I see life as a sequence of single shows. Like watching Gilligan’s Island and the Three Stooges. Each show is unrelated to the past ones. The actors and setting is pretty much the same, but there is no continuity, it’s not a series building upon itself as how Marion sees it. So I’m in the experience, which is one show, then I forget it and have the next show, so with no connection, no link ups, I can forget all that happened a year, day, hour, moment ago, gone, nothing, which drives Marion mad as I talk to her as if it never happened telling her the same things over and over again as if it’s the first time we’ve been together experiencing it.
And the other thing is, I put myself in everyone else, so I’m Marion, and when she feels bad it’s as if it’s me and I feel angry that I am feeling bad, so angry with her who is me, angry that God is making things bad for her, who is me. I’m like part of a hive, I do it with everyone, the whole of humanity, so everyone’s fear, problems and bad feelings are mine too, and it’s all too much. Marion doesn’t have any of that false joining up, she is just herself. She feels sorry when someone else feels bad, even crying for them, but doesn’t feel she is them suffering what they suffer.
So again we’re complete opposites in our relationship, we have nothing in common other then our having nothing in common. It’s all arse about, the inverse or opposite to how it should be, because how can it be anything else when we’re all so fucked?
I hate it all so much: how many ways can you feel unloved? Sure I am still changing, changing so I can keep seeing how fucked I am, and keep bringing to light by bad feelings, but none of it makes me feel good.
I even hope no one comes to the forum and asks me about the Healing. I’ve gone the other way, a full turn around, from wanting to tell everyone about it, hoping they’d ask me questions, to not wanting to talk about anything to do with it, almost dreading any questions because I’m becoming truer to my feeling that I’m them, and it’s too overwhelming to consider all the shit they will have to go through. It’s too much, so I don’t want to know about it, it’s enough having to deal with Marion - with myself.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
More realisations about how awful I am. Unbelievable at how much more is coming up for me to see and I feel that there is no end to my evilness, its like there is nothing I can do about myself but give in to how bad I am, shit it is so hard though.
My daughter bought a new car and she is still learning to drive so she wants me to sit with her as she practices, her test is on the 28th of this month. Oh my God!!!! I am seeing how shit scared I really am, how this situation has brought it all up for me just how scared I am when I am not in control, I am not safe, I am going to die, I am fucked.
I was surprised at what a great driver she is but I still am not in the driving seat and in control and it brought back memories of being a child and seeing mum and dad being so reckless in life and I just had to sit there and go along with it all, it scared the shit out of me that I felt so out of control with them. I have been constantly seeing all the danger that could happen because I am not in control, I am going to die. I felt like this with mum and dad constantly, not having any say in what went on but having to put up with it. They did things that scared me, to an adult it was all fine and good but to a child it was unsafe and scary and anxiety has been pumping through my veins as I sit on the edge of something terrible that could happen because I have no say in it.
A couple of times I grabbed the arm of the car door when I felt unsafe and Faye shouted at me, "That's not going to save you, what do you think grabbing the door is going to do???". She felt so safe but my feelings were going hay wire that I am not safe and I am going to die or she will scrape someone else's car and I will get in trouble, the trouble is so overwhelming to me, I cant cope with it, its going to drown me in a sea of overwhelment if anything goes wrong. Its to big for me to deal with, I cant make it right, I'm not in control, Faye is!!!!
I don't yet know what the point is of me writing this, I want to get it out of me how scared I am of being out of control and this situation has brought it all up. First the new car scenario, shit how is she going to pay for it, its going to end up being down to me to sort it all out when it goes tits up. And that brought up how I felt responsible for mum and dad when it all went tits up when their stupid ventures went wrong, I felt so responsible for them, it was on me to make it right so they didn't have to stress about it, there, there mum and dad, I'll fix it for you and make it all ok again, I was the band aid to their fucked up life and this car stuff has brought so much up for me.
I am so fucking scared and so fucking useless, I just want to hide in a corner and disappear for ever, its all to much. I am useless at being there for anyone, I am useless at being there for myself yet I have such a strong feeling inside to fix it all for everyone, I have to make it all ok so there is no pain for anyone, no pain for me, shit I don't want to feel any pain, yet I am feeling so much, I cant keep it at bay, it is just coming. I am scared of feeling so scared and sitting in the car with Faye is making me feel so scared, I am not in control, I have no power and have to let what ever happens, happen and I have so much resistance to that, I am shit scared of the loss of control, I always have been and even now, sitting here typing this I can feel the anxiety running through my veins at the loss of control. I have got nowhere in my healing, I feel like I am worse than I ever have been as so much fear is coming to get me.
Faye has got this car so I can feel my bad feelings of my lack of control and how it makes me feel, she is triggering every one of them and all I can do is feel them as I sit next to her and let her get angry at me for feeling so scared, she being my parents telling me to stop it, behave, stop being silly, telling me there is nothing to be scared of when I know there is, telling me I can trust her, I cant trust anyone if I am not in control, I can only trust myself, I only have myself, every one else scares me so much, I am terrified of everyone and everything in life and I feel there is no way out, I am swallowed up by it all, crushed out of life by the fear of something bad and awful happening to me if I am not in control and I don't know what to do about it. I cant do anything about it but just let life crush me or kill me if it wants to. I feel so very scared of everything and I never knew I felt so deeply scared until these last few days with Faye and the car.
Last Edit: Aug 18, 2018 2:06:52 GMT 10 by samantha9
I ache all over, I feel so bad and ill. I now realise that I am shit scared of everything in life and I feel like there is no hope for me. My anxiety has ramped up and I haven't felt these feelings for many years but they are still inside me so now they are coming up for me to heal, I had them well hidden away. It all feels so bad but I know they are a good thing, to finally feel them fully and not push them away but just to accept them and feel them and let myself be as terrified and anxious as I feel. I never knew I felt this bad. I am buzzing with anxiety, like it is electric in my veins, it weird and horrible and I am waiting for an eruption. My vision is like it has never been, so sharp, almost seeing beyond seeing, like particles and colour, my taste buds are extra sensitive and my whole body is on alert getting ready for the danger or attack that is coming, my anxiety feels like it is getting me ready for being attacked as all my senses have sharpened and I am pumped full of adrenaline.
I used to feel like this all the time, every day and it was awful to live in such a fight or flight mode of being but back then I would do all I could to deny it and distract myself from the awful feelings but now I am just to sit in it, I don't want to even move an inch because it will be a distraction, even moving a tiny bit will change the feeling and disrupt it so I sit in silence without any movement and let the feelings crush and swamp me. This has all come up as a result of Faye and sitting with her as she drives, it has brought up this anxiety from years ago, from my conception as I came into being to unsafe, unreliable parents that scared me, I lived my life as their passenger in their car, they were in control and what ever they did I had to go along with and a lot of it scared me shitless but I had no say. Yes, my latest experience with Faye being a learner driver and me sitting with her in her car has brought it all up for me to feel. I had to do this, I needed to feel all that this situation has brought up for me, its all so perfect that I feel as scared as I do with the loss of control, I had no control as a child and that caused me so much anxiety and even just saying that I had a memory of being a child and going to the doctors with a awful rash on my cheeks and he said it was caused by anxiety, at such a young age, I have always been ravaged by it and now it is coming out all thanks to Faye getting her new car and asking me to sit with her while she drives.
I am going out with Faye in her car again today, she wants to practice parking and reversing into a parking space as her test is a week away. How do I feel?? I am shitting myself, literally. I am so scared, dreading it and its not her driving, its me and my feelings. Its all about me and the way it makes me feel so I am going with it, sitting and letting myself feel terrified at being so out of control and we are going out every day till her test day so I will have the greatest opportunity to feel all of my fear every day until I no longer feel it.
I am not in control of the car, she is. I am totally powerless like I was as a child with my parents, just having to go along with what ever they did, I had no say in it and I wasn't allowed to voice my fears and its the same with Faye, she tells me off the same as mum and dad did, "Stop it, behave, be quiet, don't be silly, there is nothing to be scared of, what's wrong, why are yo making such a fuss, grow up, stop crying, what are you so scared of, there's nothing to be scared of, your being stupid, your upsetting me Sam" and all the other ways I was denied my feelings, Faye is my parents, she is in the drivers seat and I am the scared child being dragged along.
I feel so scared, I cant stop the car, I don't have the dual control the instructor has, I am terrified that something might happen, she might not stop, she might roll back onto someone, she might pull out on someone, oh my God, so much fear of what could happen yet she is so confident and a good diver but I don't have the control any more, she is now in control of me and I am so scared, I feel like the worst thing is going to happen to me, we will crash, I will die, I have no say over what will happen and that is it, right there in those few words, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT WILL HAPPEN. How does that make me feel??? Full of doom, full of fear and terror, anything could happen and I wont be able to stop it. I am pumped full of adrenaline just thinking about it, I am in survival mode and this is how I felt most of my life. Not calm but full of stress in the readiness to fight or flight, to be in control of myself so I can get to safety but not this time, I am trapped, Yes that is it, I AM TRAPPED. I am in a car and I am trapped leaving my life in someone else's hands and I don't feel safe. This is just how I felt with mum and dad, I was in their hands but it was flimsy, like it could all fall apart at any moment, not help together with any strength or any love to bond it, I never felt grounded in certainty that I was safe and secure with them and now Faye is helping me feel this insecurity and being trapped in a situation I have no control over and am trapped in and it is fucking terrifying to have no control over my life. Someone else has it all, all my power and I am left empty and in their hands so what's the point of having a life when it is not my own, pointless existence living in fear of what is going to happen to me because I have no control over my own life.
I will go out with Faye today and let myself feel all the fear of being trapped and feeling how it felt for me as a child to be so out of control.
You asked where I'd been for so long Sam - not far away - just considering and working through many things, perhaps in a different way to what I see you and James write on here. It may be a dumb odd question to you but:
If you want to heal and understand and accept how you arrived at this point with all of the influences that you have identified where your parents failed you as children by asserting control over you and your decisions and actions, then why do you seek to have and assert so much control over your life now? Why do you need to feel like you absolutely have to be in control? Can you accept that you can control some things (if you really need to) and the rest will just unfold around you as they are destined to do and will affect you as they will, whatever that might be? We all seemed programmed to assert control, often (perhaps always) at the expense of someone else, but do we really need that control? What's the worst that could happen if we relinquish that control and just accept what happens - that we didn't have and won't always have control. It seems only a moment in time when we have control (over others and ourselves) and at what cost to them, and us?
Again, just my 2c worth or 2p worth for Sam :-) L
P.S. When/If you ever relinquish control, the world does seem to calm a lot (while completely out of control). I don't know if you ever watch movies, but I am often reminded of the pertinent scene from the movie 'Contact' when Jodie Foster unbuckles her seatbelt in the capsule and releases the control and suddenly all the vibration and angst stops. Interesting depiction of it! I find for myself though that I attempt to regain control again after a very short time...........
I know on the surface it all seems to not make much sense and such a contradiction but I can only be the truth of how I was parented, I lived and watched their control over all life and I learnt from them to be the same and you could say, well if you know that, then just don't be like it, but that would be using my mind to try to not be how they are and it is all so deeply entrenched in me. We can pretend and use our 'Willpower' which is using our minds, not to be like it but its not the truth and no matter how much I could try, the truth is always going to raise its head in my life and when things get my back up, the truth raises its ugly head, it will always come up, the way I truly am. I will react to life how mum and dad reacted, I learnt it from them, so they controlled and programmed me with the same need to control and I can deny it all I like but it is in me.
I have to feel the need to be in control because it was how I saw them handle life, I hate it but it is the truth, I am just the same as them and by accepting this and seeing when I am being like it and expressing it all out in the open, I get to know the truth of it and where it all came from and how it feels. I could pretend to myself and tell myself to relinquish all control, just give in to it but I am not there yet, that would be false and God would show me that I am being untrue by bringing to me a situation that brings up my need for control again and again until I submit to the truth of how I am and what is in my soul still.
I never had any idea that I was this bad, it was just what I did in life and gradually in my life, by seeking the truth and asking Mother and Father to show me, my need to control has been exaggerated in my every day life, really ramped up for me to see the truth and it has shocked me that I am this bad. I have been so unaware of it and most people would call it normal living but its not right, its ugly and horrible and takes the will of others, all because of my need to be constantly safe in life so I have constructed a comfortable world to live in and I need to control that, if I don't I am not safe and my comfort is now all being broken down and bit by bit my control being revealed and the feelings that go with it and I am seeing it to be just how mum and dad were with life and me, keeping me in such a protected, scared life that it wasn't actually safe at all, it was all based on fear and them not wanting their own fears revealed and felt so they kept a controlled reign on life, as I am.
I understand all you are saying but it is not how it is for me, If I accepted it as you are saying then I would not be being true to my feelings, I would be using my mind to know it and just using words to distract how I really feel and it is not how I truly feel deep down, deep down I am shit scared and cant keep a hold on anything in my life and I am going to die if it all gets overwhelmingly out of control, I will be crushed out of existence by it all, its complete devastation to me and that is what I am slowly feeling my way through and it is so hard, God I can't tell you how hard it is.
I can only assert the same control over life that my parents asserted over me, no matter how much I hate it, I am them, they made me into them, someone they could control and accept.
I absolutely have to be in control because my parents absolutely had to be in control of me and life, its what I learnt from them and I can tell you, this is the hardest thing to break free from, I don't feel safe at all, I feel out there on a limb all alone as my control is being revealed to me and me feeling my way through it, its a tangled mess but I will do it and feel it all to the very end, with Gods help, all I have to do is ask them and I don't feel I can do it without them, I am in constant conversation with them.
To survive in life I have to control it, that is my wrong belief and I know that with my mind but what I am doing now is going through all of the feelings that being so out of control is bringing me so I can heal them as they arise in me and my life is bringing me all the events I need to feel my fear of being out of control. I pray to Mother and Father and they answer me every day with more out of control events for me to feel about and it is crushing and devastation and so hard but I want it more than anything else in my life because I want to heal.
I don't know if I have answered your question fully but I am really exhausted today as my healing has brought up a lot of emotional stuff for me to feel and I am drained and weak and feeling more of my life slipping away from me and I cant do anything about it and that submission is more for me to feel, how I have no control and its all crazy and it all contradicts itself and all the edges to my life are frayed.
I am my parents, I was a container for them to fill with all of their wrongness and then get to the point where I am aware of that fact and then use my feelings to undo it all and it is tough.
Thanks for asking me though and it is so good to hear from you again.
Last Edit: Aug 22, 2018 2:13:26 GMT 10 by samantha9
My Son has returned home after living with his girlfriend and her family for a year. Her dad couldn't deal with another man in the house and wanted complete control over their every move and asked Alex to leave and then never spoke to him or looked at him again. Alex left immediately and came back here where he is sleeping in my lounge. He has been trying to rent a room but keeps getting the same rejection from the landlords because he is a Punk and no one likes the look so they reject him.
This is all such an important event for me and him, I can see the pattern of rejection for me and for him. He is full of anxiety at being so rejected in life and it is showing me how I have rejected him from birth.
I wasn't ready for him, that was all I kept saying when I fond out I was pregnant, first rejection. I wasn't looking forward to it and I was terrified about the pain it would cause me, giving birth. I can even remember saying in my labour that I wasn't ready, I was resisting it all the way so I had to have so much intervention to get him out, he came out black and blue at having to be pulled out of me, literally ripped out because of my resistance. I can remember looking at him and just seeing a bruised and battered baby, so rejected by his parents already. I didn't want to breast feed it was to close, to personal and I felt so judged for it in the hospital, like I was some evil mother not wanting to be close to my son who needed me so much. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't bond with him properly and I am feeling so much pain in writing this, so much fear at how I am going to be judged and hated by others reading it but I want to be honest with how it was for me and Alex and by writing it down I can feel it more and more evolves from it all for me.
I went through a selfish life with Alex, wanting my own business's and giving him to his nan to have during the week then bringing him home at weekends, then I would go out with my friends and leave him with my mum or a child minder, I was doing all I could to escape from motherhood and how trapped it made me feel. All the time I am writing this I am asking to be forgiven, I feel such sorrow for my son at having a mother like me, putting everything else above him and giving him away at any chance I could, constant rejection and at two his father left and said he wanted nothing to do with Alex and wouldn't see him again. Alex had lost both us, his father physically and me emotionally. He doesn't feel he fits in anywhere in life and it isn't hard to see why.
As he grew I grew to 'Love' him, once the hardest times were over but shit, it was all on my terms, me first and what I wanted just like my mum and dad with me, I was them all over, putting myself first and dragging my son along with whatever I decided, this is evil parenting. I rejected my child from before birth, my true feelings denied and rejected him before he was even born and the rejection just continued from there until this day and I feel the deepest pain for what he is going through now in his life, all to show him the rejection from his own mother and father, he is getting it from everyone else he meets but he is not ready to see the truth of it, I wish he was open to it but it is not yet his time and God will let him know when his time to wake up comes. He doesn't want to hear it from me, he wont listen or take it in what it is all about so I have to shut up and let it all happen until he asks the right questions and all I can do is keep feeling how it all makes me feel, seeing the truth of it through my feelings and asking God to help me see the truth and I am so open to that healing with my true Mother and Father. I repent so much, with every fibre of my being as I see the truth of how I was with my son. How I put myself first, rejecting him as he is now showing me.
I cans see all the pain I have caused him in his life when he should have been the only thing in mine. I am glad I feel in so much pain, I have been the cause of his and now I am feeling it all.
Even with him coming back home I am still trying to reject him, looking for somewhere for him to live so he can be out of my house, I am still rejecting him even though he says he wants his own place and is 24, I still have the feeling in me of wanting him out, rejecting him. It is the same feeling I have always had in me of being trapped by my own children, cant wait to be rid of them, get them off my hands so I can live my life how I want not being a slave to them, I feel as trapped by them as I did with my parents, trapped, having to do what they want me to do, love them look after them, none of it came naturally to me so I pretended so I looked like a good mother. Building a good business so I could give them what they wanted in life but while I was working so hard and doing all of this I was rejecting them whilst saying it was all for them but that was the bullshit I made myself believe when really it was all for me, so I could escape from them. Shit its all so fucking awful, so awful to write this down for all to read, so shameful to be such an evil mother to my children. To finally come clean and say I did it all for me, not them, that was the lie I told myself and every one else. Fuck the business and the money and the good standing in life, it was only them I had to be there for and I FAILED them. I am selfish, I pretended to myself I wanted them and I didn't, I had them and I had to get on with it now and my true feelings were telling me the truth but I denied them because they were so awful and bad and things you shouldn't be thinking if you are a mother. I had to pretend I loved them because it is so wrong not to. It didn't come naturally to me, right from the beginning I had no connection to them and I can see that this has shown me how it truly was with me and my parents, it was just the same, no connection but they pretended there was because no one can tell the truth that they didn't love their children how they needed to be loved, how could I when I wasn't loved how I needed to be loved, I have no idea how to love them or anyone, not a clue, I am fucked.
My son is bringing it all around me and I am surrounded by what I have done to him, I cant escape this time and pretend it all away. I have FAILED him and ruined his life because I didn't know how to love or connect to him and I will have to feel this truth. He is here, back in my home and my life to show me "LOOK MUM, LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO ME, YOUR REJECTION OF ME HAS GIVEN ME A LIFE OF REJECTION". And I am still rejecting him, right now I am still in that rejection trying to find him a home, give him away to someone else as I always did, get rid f him and he is in real pain because he knows it but cant face the truth of the rejection from his own mother. Cant face the brutal truth that he wasn't loved or wanted and it was all just pretend, illusion and I am crying at writing this truth, I feel disgraced and ashamed at this truth, I cant even think of the right words to put to the way I am feeling about myself and the damage I have caused my son. As I looked through the Rooms for rental on the computer with him last night, I realised "OH MY GOD SAM, YOU ARE STILL DOING IT, YOU ARE STILL TRYING TO GET RID OF HIM" I just closed the computer shut and stopped. My son was shocked and had no idea at what was going on. I went upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom in shock as the truth hit me of all of those years, I am still trying to get rid of my son.
What kind of Monster am I!!!!!!!!!!
I was happy when he moved out, I felt free just like I felt when I moved out of my home and could leave my dads control, I was free and it felt the same when Alex moved out, freedom. But that is so wrong to feel that about my child.
I have just realised I have been trying to get rid of my dad, not Alex but my dad and his fear and anger and control, Alex has been him to me. The feeling is the same one, exactly the same. Oh my god, my poor son has had to carry that all these years, me projecting my feelings for my dad on to him, that is why I couldn't connect to him or any man, they are all my dad and I want them out of my life, to stop controlling me and trapping me. For fuck sake, it seems all so obvious and I should have known it and I kind of did but it has only just clicked in as truth. Wow, Wow Wow.
I am trying to get rid of my dad.
I was pushing my dad out of me at my sons birth that is why I resisted giving birth, I didn't want him in my life again, I didn't want to breast feed him/dad, I didn't want to love him/dad, I wanted to push him away because he was my dad to me. I felt trapped and tied to him because he was a male, my dad and all males are my dad, Fuck YES.
I get it now, I see it all so clearly. This is what writing the truth down and asking for Gods help does for me, it brings the clarity of the truth to me and now I feel like things will change for us both as I see that gross cord disappear between me and Alex, that cord that carried all of that projection into Alex from me all of that dad, dad, dad stuff I was filling him with and not wanting to be close to him because I had no closeness with my own dad and was repulsed by the thought of it, NO NO NO keep it away from me. It had to be the same between me and my son, Repelling him and rejecting him constantly so all life had to do the same to him, mirroring how he has been treated with me.
I don't know what changes may occur for us now but I fell something huge has shifted in me and between me and Alex, I can feel Father smiling at me and Mother has not been so involved, its been a job for Father and me as it will help with our closeness too. I can feel it will change my relationship with My True Father as well and he is smiling at me now I can feel it. It is going to all change now because I have felt the core, the truth has been revealed and I know God agrees with me and now change can occur. I am Wowed at what has just happened to me, I can feel God with me, nodding and laughing and rejoicing and celebrating with me at the huge change I am feeling. I cant stop talking about it, it is so amazing that I am feeling all of that past stuff lifting out of me, the dirty blackness of it is leaving me and I want my son to be with me, stay with me and not go anywhere. I want to make a home for him, make him feel wanted and loved and start over again and cry with him and say I am so sorry. I want to be with him always, shit I am crying with the love I feel for him, it is overflowing out of me, I want him so much, my son, my beautiful son, the one I have rejected all my life, I have missed him so much and I am so sorry. I can see why he was always so needy and wanting of me and it now all makes so much sense. I am crying so much all of the keys to my computer have gone blurry and wet.
Wow, the change has happened for me and my son. Last night he opened his emails and has received an offer of a room that he viewed, in the house he wanted because they are all artistic and musical people. He never thought he would hear from them again because so many were going for the room but they want him and are excited that he is musical and can join in and be a part of the house in a musical way as well as a house mate. He was surprised and shocked at the offer as he thought it would be to good to be true to ever get the room he wanted after all of the rejection he has had.
In that moment of me really and truly wanting him so much, it seems that everyone else wants him too, even his girlfriend has been extra loving and affectionate towards him, and his boss and workmates have been all so caring, even Saundra, a woman who has been a bitch to him has been asking him if he is ok and offering him toast and Jam in the morning when he gets to work. Last night he told me that the Boss had him in the office to ask him if he was ok and is there anything he could do to help out if he needs a hand moving, as he knew Alex was in between homes.
Its all changed for both of us I feel good for him now having a place to live in a house he wanted but never thought he would get. Every on is different towards him and he is reconnecting with a best friend of his who called him yesterday out of the blue to say he wanted to get together again and Alex was so pleased as they were childhood friends and drifted when his friend moved in with his girlfriend.
Everyone is now accepting Alex and he cant believe the changes that are occurring, in a few days everything has done a U turn in his life because I have stopped rejecting him, now everyone has, shit it is like magic has happened to us and I feel so much love for him, no longer rejecting him and denying my feelings. I got them all out of me, the truth, I accepted how I truly was with Alex, all of the putridness of my rejection of him, I expressed it all to God and they helped me find the truth and now all of that putridness has left me and so much love has been felt from me to Alex and now his whole life is changing before my eyes. I can see it all unfolding for him in such a good way and it hasn't been good for him since birth because of my unlovingness and rejection of him. Noe I accept him lovingly, so is everyone else and it is just incredible to see the changes happen for him.
It is incredible to see Feeling Healing in action, IT WORKS. It changes everything.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NOT BE ABLE TO RECEIVE MOTHER AND FATHERS DIVINE LOVE!!!!!
It feels empty. A constant emptiness that nothing will fill, none of my addictions satisfy it. I feel frustrated, I feel angry, I feel fucked off at not feeling the Divine Love flow into me when I long for it. I feel left out, I feel forgotten, I feel denied and so rejected by Mother and Father. There must be something so wrong with me not to able to feel their Love for me, I was built wrong, there is something missing in me not to be able to receive their love.
I feel so angry at them for not ramming their Love into me, for god sake just do it but no matter how I want or long for it, it doesn't come to me.
I think I have received it before and it lasted a few days but I didn't know what it was, it felt so beautiful and enlivening to me, I felt refreshed and it flowed in through the top of my head like a shower of multi colours and washed me inside and out, it was so beautiful and for a few days I could call on it and it would come it gushes but I thought I better stop, it might be bad. Even the good feelings I feel bad about, I shouldn't have them so I stopped and that was about eight years ago now and since, NOTHING. I cant feel it now when I long for it and it is so frustrating. All the times I have felt it enter me since have just been contrivances of my mind, willing it with my mind, it doesn't come from my heart, my heart feels numb, it cant muster up a loving feeling, shit I feel dead inside.
If I had felt love from mum and dad, from their heart to mine I would have had a firm basis for Mother and Fathers love to grow in me, I would know the feeling but I haven't. My parents love for me was all mind created and I thought this is Love, this is how it is done, with the mind, my heart never had a look in and now I cant open my heart to love, it feels impossible to do. So I have to keep telling Mother and Father how hard done by I feel, how unfair it is that I had such an unloving start in life that I don't know proper Love and how it feels, that I cant receive it or give it only the made up love from my mind, it all being what you are meant to say and fee "oh yes I love you, of course I do" Blah, Blah, Blah bullshit, bollocks empty words with no feelings to back them up, I am Hollow talking hollow empty words all because that is what mum and dad gave to me and I always thought that was right and ok and there is no more than that, that is Love. I haven't even touched on real love yet and I am walking around like a fucking loveless zombie creation of my parents and their ideas of love, fuck them.
Mother and Father, if you are listening to me, if you even give a shit about me, I don't know what to do!!!! Help me fix this please, help me express all of the pain I feel about how sad and empty a life I am living without your real Love. I feel so forgotten, so in despair of ever receiving your Love, I feel like such a lost cause that I should be forgotten and passed by, not seen or heard by you, I am in the way, a pain, a nuisance to you and I am so sorry for going on again about the same old shit. Yes, its me again, droning on, I am sorry, I feel in your way when you are busy with other things, sorry to get in your way with my wants and needs, I know they are not important to you and you are busy, sorry for disturbing you, oh don't worry about me, I am ok I will go away and leave you alone. I am such a pain in the neck to you, I know, sorry. I am not worthy of your time, your attention, your love, I am in the way. I cant get what I want and need from you so I will have to find other ways to fulfil myself. I cant trust you to give me what I need, I don't trust you God/mum & dad. How can I trust you when I don't get the love I need when I ask you for it, it just doesn't come to me, I don't feel it so how can I trust you to help me in any way. Shit that's it, I cant trust you, I couldn't rely or trust my parents so how can I rely on you, God, to help me and love me and keep me safe, I cant. That's the truth, I don't trust you because I couldn't trust my parents, its so obvious now. I feel I can only rely on myself to keep me safe because I never had them, I don't trust anyone or anything so I have to control it all so I stay safe because all I have is me, I never felt like I could bother mum and dad so I had to learn to rely on me only to do stuff. Now I cant trust God. I DONT TRUST YOU GOD, I CANT TRUST YOU GOD, YOU ARE NOT THEIR FOR ME JUST AS MUM AND DAD WEREN'T. I WAS AND AM ALONE STILL. Thank you God for helping me see that truth, that I cant trust you it is to risky to allow that, to put myself in your hands is to risky because I couldn't put myself in mum and dads hands. I had to learn to be there for myself because they weren't emotionally, they didn't take my wants and needs seriously so I didn't either and I don't think God will either. I don't trust that God will take me seriously and give me what I need, Love.
Now I know the truth, I don't trust God, I don't believe God will look after me and God will hurt me in some way if I put my trust in them, I will not be safe if I do that. That is my belief because that is how I felt with mum and dad, I couldn't trust them with me and my wellbeing. I was just their, hanging on and thinking I was loved but never feeling in in my heart and its the same with God, I know God is meant to love me, I know that in my mind because it was the same with mum and dad, but it isn't true for me because I don't feel it in my heart so I cant trust that God does love me because I haven't felt it when I ask for it. Knowing it in my mind is not good enough for me, that's how it was with mum and dad, I want to feel Gods real love for me, I want to feel how it is meant to feel and know it for sure with my heart because it has been a real heart felt experience for me. The mind leaves only doubt and uncertainty and denial, You can say "oh of course God loves me or my parents loved me" but that is all denial and mind created stuff because I don't want to feel the truth that is, unless I have had a heart felt experience of feeling the love flow into me, then it remains untrue and unreal for me, I haven't felt it so its not true, its all made up stuff because I am to sad to feel the sad truth that I was and am not loved.
I don't feel loved, I feel impoverished and shrivelled inside because of this lack of love from my parents and from God, it is devastation for me that no matter how I try I cant receive Gods Divine Love because I couldn't receive any love from my parents because it just wasn't their, it was all mind created love that they believed was real and was all there is to offer and that was that. They couldn't give me real love, they didn't have it in them to give but God does and all I can do is to keep on talking to God about how much I don't trust them and all the other feelings I am projecting onto them from how my parents didn't love me.
I DONT TRUST YOU GOD, I DONT FEEL YOU WILL LOOK AFTER ME, I FEEL IT IS ALL UP TO ME TO DO IT ALL, THERE IS NO HELP FOR ME, I AM ALONE AND HAVE TO JUST GET ON WITH IT. I AM SCARED TO BE SO ALONE AND WITHOUT YOUR HELP AND CARE, I FEEL LIKE I CANT SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU BUT I CANT TRUST YOU TO HELP ME, YOU MIGHT LET ME DOWN, NOT BE THERE FOR ME AND I HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES FOR MYSELF AND DO IT ALL ALONE. I DONT FEEL LIKE I CAN RELY ON YOU, I AM TO SCARED TO GIVE UP MY CONTROL AND LET GO TO YOU, I DONT FEEL I CAN TRUST YOU GOD BECAUSE I CAN FEEL YOUR LOVE FOR ME, IT DOESNT GIVE ME ANY CERTAINTY THAT I WILL BE OK AND I AM SCARED.
While I am writing this to God, my parents are ever present to me, it is like they run parallel to everything I blame God for, God and my parents are the same to me, they are both going to fuck me over, I cant trust them. This is the truth of how I feel, it is to risky to trust them and all the love I once felt for God has gone, well for today anyway, it could all change in a moment. But right now I feel no love for God or my parents, I cant trust them and I feel like I have to be totally self sufficient or I will not survive.
That’s about the same exactly for me. I don’t trust God either. The Mother and Father talk to me, tell me things that will happen, and slowly over the years more happens now than it used to, but that’s all because mum and dad told me things would happen and they didn’t. I remember it was one of my huge wake up realisations that how God was treating me was exactly how mum and dad treated me (and how I was treating myself) so I could see the truth of my relationship with my parents, and just how our Mother and Father honour our negative patterns without interfering with them. So it’s so good that you rave and rant at Them Sam, telling God all you feel, all of which is also telling your parents. It all has to come out. Lately, increasingly, I’m angry with the Mother and Father for not looking after Marion and myself, for putting us through such shit, for it never ending or seeming to get anywhere, for neglecting us, hating us, not loving us, not showing us that we are loved by Them, spewing it out all over them, whilst like you, all the while longing to Them to love me, to show me the truth, to help me understand. And as we’ve got no one else to turn to, even though our Mother and Father make us feel so unloved - as unloved as our parents made us, because really it’s all them, so we still have to long and pray and beg and ask Them.
And feeling so fucked off with Them, oh the rage is so intense and just allowing it to be and have its say, still I’m accepting it more, that I can and do feel this way, that I am boiling and seething with it, all of which slowly helps lead me deeper into my relationship with mum and dad and remembering mostly through my feelings and a sort of memory sense, that this is still the same rage that I felt at them way back when I can’t remember, when I was too young. But it’s incredible how the truth just seeps up and suddenly it becomes clear, and I know that I did rage and hate them this much, all of which I’m now projecting onto God because it’s easier to do that than face the truth of having to deal with and confront and stand up to the two people who scared me the most and made me feel the least welcome.
Every day I’m seeing more clearly the complexities of how much my parents fucked me around. There was never any consistency, they always changed their minds, promised stuff just to shut me up and get me off their backs and sidetrack me into other things, none of which came true, so I can’t trust them at all. And so I can’t trust myself, my mind jumps around all over the place trying to avoid being blamed, I change my story under Marion’s questioning in a flash, and so much so that I can’t even keep up myself and end up just saying nonsense thinking I’m being smart and getting out the trouble I believe I’m in.
We’ve got to throw it all back at our parents and at our Parents. Fuck them all like you say and let them have it all guns blazing. Fuck them and fuck Them, fuck me, everything is so fucked, I am so fucked, nothing makes any fucking sense, and all we can keep doing is expressing it and longing for the truth, with the only saving grace being the fucking truth does keep coming! Nothing else does, the love doesn’t flow, but the fucking truth DOES! It’s the only comfort we’ve got, and hopefully when it comes enough, then so too will the love finally come.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Recently I have realised that everything I have wanted to do and achieve in my life has stemmed from a childhood fantasy and it is only through my FEELINGS, that I have now discovered this and it was quite a wow moment. All my childhood fantasies I have made happen in a round about way. My childhood fantasies of being a princess were made manifest by being a bride, my fantasy world of wanting to be a magical being became manifest through me connecting to Fairies and Nature spirits and it all made me feel so Magical and special, My fantasy of wanting to be someone famous became manifest by me having to have my own business's and become well known in our Village, it has all come from my childhood fantasy world that I have made manifest in my adult life, I can see it all as I feel into why I have wanted to do the things I have ended up doing, I have been still living in my childhood fantasy world in the best way I can, as a grown up, still wanting to live in my fantasy and have some sort of power.
All of my love of Tarot has been because I so wanted to be someone powerful, revered and famous and looked up to by others, to be respected and so special and Loved, someone better than anyone else, sounds really shit of me but its true, so arrogant to want to be better than anyone else, Yuk, horrible but it is still in me, I can feel it and it all comes from my childhood. I so wanted to be famous as a child, I would watch dancers or actresses and wish I was them, so I went to drama school, dancing school, I was going to be famous.
I know all of this might seem obvious, that all we do comes from our unloving, denied childhood but I have been seeing the relationship between what I am doing in my adult life and my childhood dreams and fantasies, I could be doing something and I will have a memory pop into my mind of when I was a child and then saying to myself, "Oh wow, I wanted to be or do that as a child and now I have done it", it might be in a different way to how it was for me as a child fantasy but when I feel about what I am doing it takes me right back there, to me remembering I had the same fantasy as a child and now I have fulfilled it and it seems to me now, that my life has been all about doing what I couldn't do as a child but so wanting to do. I would draw princesses all the time with the biggest dresses and my weddings were that fantasy coming true because as an adult I could say YES to myself, I can now be that princess I always wanted to be and the fantasy felt fulfilled for a short while. I can now say YES to myself when my parents said NO.
When I think and feel about my childhood fantasies, it is like my whole childhood was a dream of wishful thinking and never being fulfilled, so powerless, all so frustrating. I am still that child, even as an adult and I am working through my childhood fantasies one by one and feeling how unfulfilled I am when I get what I wanted as a child, it means nothing and has no good feeling to it because the fantasies of my childhood were only in place because they were a substitute for what I didn't receive from mum and dad, if I felt special, wanted, Loved by my parents I would have no need for fantasies to get my good feelings from, I would have got my good and loving feelings from my parents and my life would have been less untrue, confusing, anxious, frustrating and unloving. My fantasies were my way to get loving feelings for myself, I had to find a way of doing it myself, take control because I didn't feel it from my parents, I had to rely on me so I created fantasies and fulfilled them as an adult.
All of my life's events, all of my attempts at business and being a success have been bases upon my feelings of not being special or wanted or loved how I needed to be by mum and dad, I constructed my own ways of getting these feelings of lack and loss met, I created fantasies as a child and acted them out as an adult all based on my grief of not feeling loved, I had to feel loved somehow!!
Why does anyone want to do anything to be a success, because they didn't feel loved as a child, if they did they wouldn't need to be successful, famous, competitive, they would be so satisfied in themselves that they didn't need to prove they are lovable and special and have to get it from outside of themselves because it isn't inside of them, they wouldn't have to do anything because they would feel they were loved how they needed to be by their parents.
Everything I have done to be a success as an adult I can trace back to my childhood fantasies that I put in place to make me feel good because I was rarely made to feel good by my parents. I created a pretend world for myself and still believed in it as an adult, I wanted all of my fantasies to come true so I did the best I could to manifest them, which saddens me because I can see how desperate I was/am to be loved and how I have denied the truth that I wasn't and have made a life built on that denial, trying to pretend it isn't true, its really sad the lengths I have gone to, how clever I have been in building that fantasy life with a foundation of pain, it never lasted, it was never consistently fulfilling for me, any good feelings never lasted long.
My life has been a long journey of denial, none of it real or true, just a child's fantasy and I have never felt grown up, I have always felt like a child in a dream because that is who I am still being, nothing coming from a true place in me but from a childhood fantasy, its not real SAM. I feel like, as I am healing the fantasy is breaking down around me and it is such a "Oh my God" moment for me and like where have I been all my life?? I haven't been present, I have been in a dream and it feel like such a waste of a life, none of it being true, its a pointless life experience and now I am 50, I have only just realised that and it feels like I have wasted so much time. I didn't want the truth, I wanted fantasies and now I have done a huge U Turn and am going the other way, well trying to. I am seeing more and more of the outworkings of my childhood fantasies and how I have been living them as a grown up and I say to myself "what a fucking fool I have been". All so sad to have to get your loving feelings met from outside of you because they don't exist inside.
Last Edit: Sept 5, 2018 16:22:57 GMT 10 by samantha9
Talk about fantasies, shit as you say Sam, our whole lives are one, because we’re untrue. And then to break that down into all the component fantasies - when does it end?! I can’t remember if I told you the other day, however last week I was taken into a massive fantasy, a new one based on my past, as if I was living a close intimate relationship with a young woman as I had my girlfriends, but this time round coming from all that I know now about myself, life, relating, all that Marion has pointed out that I don’t do and want to do, and so I have been imagining I was with her for a month, living closer and closer together, loving each other more, but only for a short time as she can’t be with some 57 year old fart for the rest of her life. It’s been incredible, as if there is a constant dream-like river continually flowing through my mind day and night, and whenever I rest and relax into it, it’s like I jump in and the fantasy-movie picks up from where I felt off or takes me back and deeper into what I’ve already been through. I don’t know where it all comes from, it’s endless, I guess it’s all Bob (my Indwelling Spirit) working me through these mind levels as I need because it has such a profound effect on me. I was saying to Marion, this fantasy month I’ve been ’working on’ which has only been through the last week in reality, has been the best month of my whole life - AND YET IT’S NOT REAL! And I said to her that possibly in ten years time when I’m more mad and have lost the plot completely, I’ll believe that it was real. I tell her as much as I can about my fantasies, however not all the details because I want to keep them for myself to savour, they are like my precious jewels hidden away inside me, places and with people I can retreat to where it’s all nice and I feel good, happy and loved, so I don’t want to ruin it all by bringing out too much. So much for striving to bring everything out for my Healing!
Then the ‘month’ with this younger girl turned into being dad with my sister and how he doted and favoured her and how he was with mum and other women to give me one of those “Oh My God” wow, yet also horrified, moments, when I realised - I’M JUST THE SAME AS HIM. Realising even further, that not only do I walk and talk and act like him in so many ways, but I reckon I even have the same feeling-kind of fantasies, the same mind structure that he has, with women and business, being like you say, wanting to be a huge success in the world. So my being the ‘ Great Spiritual Leader’ writing all my books, doing all of this, it’s all as he was only he wasn’t interested in the spiritual stuff, to I tell myself that that’s ‘my special part, and I’m even more special than him because I’m more spiritual’ - talk about needing to have power over him and mum.
Then I it all moved to seeing that I’m also living out mum’s fantasies, and I can look back and see how they both influenced me based on their fantasies about how to see and so live life, which I guess is what you’re getting at too in what you’ve said, that you can see it all coming from your early life, yet where, and from who, did you get it all from in your early life in the first place?
I relate to all your fantasies and all you say about the truth of yourself and all your bad feelings, and yet Marion doesn’t have and never has had, the sorts of fantasies like you and I have, and all because her parents didn’t. I find it so hard relating to her, thinking, and even saying to her: but surely you fantasied about something? She wanted to be loved and so on, but never made up any fantasy stories or trying to outwork them in her mind as she got older.
And to finish talking about my need for power like I said about being better than dad, even writing this to you I feel like I’m one-upping you, my fantasy stuff is bigger and better than your fantasy stuff, my fantasy breakthroughs are bigger than yours, I’m more important, you know, all the usual shit that I feel so embarrassed having to admit, yet pleased that I can feel it more because it’s there, I am that. So now that I’ve taken your lime-light away from you, please go ahead and write an even bigger fantasy post than mine. And having written that, that’s actually what I expect because that’s what mum always did, coming in over the top, always bigger and greater, showing off and being the great one, which is of course what I’ve been saying I was doing to you - just being mum all over you - YUK! THROW ME IN THE BIN WILL YOU GOD, I’M TOO REVOLTING AND HORRIBLE TO EVERYONE, THE WORLD SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO MY SHIT, GET RID OF ME WILL YA. More lovely feelings to express to Marion.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
AHH its all so great James, Yes I feel my fantasies are so inferior compared to yours and I just have to back down and go back and hide into my shell as I submit to your being better than me, shit I am so weak and pathetic and just lay down to be smashed into insignificance. You have really brought it out in me just how I cant be better than anyone else, I am useless, a waste of space and I can feel in me how much I need to be the best but never could do it, I always gave up and let someone else have all the power while I curled up and died in my patheticness. It all coming from my sister being taken seriously and me being in her shadow trying to be like her, so accepted and always getting it right while I tried and fucked it all up and mum and dad being so condescending to me at my efforts to be like my sister. You are my sister in this case James, I can feel that.
Its all so fucking embarrassing to admit how I am, I feel so ashamed of myself like I am confessing to mum and dad what I have done and feeling the crippling shame.
Yes, all of my fantasies coming from mum and dad, their dreams of greatness and being the best and having such great kids that they could be proud of so they made us do all the things they could be proud of us for and get their fantasies fulfilled by us so they could feel good, wow I really worked so hard at pleasing them and trying to have them be proud of me, then I couldn't keep it up, I ruined it all by not going straight to college from school but going into Hairdressing, all the thick girls who weren't clever enough to go to college went into beauty or Hairdressing so it was a little bit disappointing for them not to have me follow in my sisters academic footsteps, I fucked it up all the way along for them really, smashing their dreams, going out with the bad boys, drinking and clubbing, it was all a big let down for them and their fantasies.
I loved all you wrote James, you helped me feel more crushing rejection as I cant top your fantasies, mine are pathetic compared to yours and I don't want to even try, I am beaten so I give up, and another realisation has just occurred, that is why I have always given up when someone better comes along, oh wow, Yes I get it now. I cant finish anything if I am not the best I just give in and end it. I roll over in defeat because I couldn't win as a child, I had to let my sister win and be the best, she was better than me so all competition is better than me, everyone is better than me and that is how I truly do feel. By you writing that James, about your fantasies being better than mine it has brought it up in me that anyone who is better than me, I give in to, submit to and just end what I am doing and accept defeat because that is how it was with my sister. I have never really finished anything because I don't feel I am good enough and someone better will take it all from me so why even bother. I am feeling like a Nothing, useless piece of shit again and I can see why. I am mum rolling over to dads power and control over her, giving up all she wants to do because he is better than her and he calls the shots.