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Post by samantha9 on Sept 7, 2018 22:34:18 GMT 10
Today I received an email from a Hotel asking me to come along and be interviewed as part of their Floristry team. Instantly fear entered me about working again. I loved Floristry and Plants but I am shit scared about working for someone again but things are getting tight now as all my Widows pension has ended now. I have a little amount left from Harry's insurance but not much so it is all a scary time for me.
Feelings in me are of not being good enough to be taken on, I will not be what they want, what they need, I wont be good enough for them, they will judge me and hate me and laugh at me as I try to prove myself to them, THEY ARE MUM AND DAD interviewing me to see if I am good enough for the job of being their daughter, do I live up to their standards, NO is the answer already, even before I have gone to the interview. Inside of me I feel I am no good and I haven't got the job, I am not what they want, not good enough to join them, rejected.
Every one in my life is mum and dad judging me and I feel worthless to everyone, not good enough for anyone. I have to prove myself worthy of the job, and as I write all of this I can see mum and dad sitting their interviewing me, its horrible, I cant get them out of me, they are in everything I do, it is them there always and I am so sick of it, sick of never feeling I am any good so I have to do things for myself and on my own, like starting up my own business's so I wont be judged, no one can tell me what to do or that I am not doing it their way, I am doing it all wrong. If I have my own business, I can avoid all of that bad feeling as I have done in the past but now it is coming back for me to feel. I have avoided and denied these bad feelings being felt by having my own business, being my own boss so no one can hurt me and now I see why I have done that, it has been through fear that I am not good enough to be employed by anyone and I cant bear to feel the pain of that rejection and humiliation when I cant do something, or get it wrong. By working for myself I can feel powerful because I have constructed it that way, so I don't have anyone above me making me feel powerless by criticising my work.
Now I have this interview next Wednesday and I have to create what ever they want me to create to show the quality of my work and I am shitting myself that I cant do it, I am already no good before I even start. I have been a good florist in the past and did some amazing work but I always did it by getting my inspiration from someone else, sometimes my own but I had and always have had so much trouble creating from myself, my soul. My mind cant do it, only if I copy or get my inspiration from someone else's work, books, you tubes etc... I feel so frustrated that I cant do it myself how I want it to happen. Like an artist just paints from their soul, I cant do that, I am completely blocked at creating anything and everyone says how clover I am and creative I am but it is all a lie because it doesn't come from me, it comes from other sources of inspiration, something copied but with my own twist, shit, where is my creativity, where is my magic coming from my soul, it doesn't exist.
I have been told what to do all my life, copying my parents or my sister or teachers or anyone, I have spent a life copying someone never tapping into my own creativity and now I cant find it in me. This job offer has brought all of these feelings up in me and I feel that getting the job isn't the thing, the thing is the feelings it has helped me feel, all the fear it has brought up, I have needed it and it is great to see what it is doing to me, bringing up all of this feeling that is still inside me to feel. I feel so sad that I have no originality in me, that I cant create from ME and my soul, that is terrible that I am so blocked off from my own creativity and I have always thought of myself as being so creative but I am NOT!! its not my creativity it is someone else's, I feel like a fraud, everything I have ever created has been someone else's idea and I just put my twist on it but I cant do it from inside myself. Yes, I am very creative if I am copying or get inspired by someone but I cant do it myself. It was the same with my hairdressing, I was good at it but only if someone had an idea of what they wanted or brought in a picture, I couldn't really suggest much to them, the inspiration just wasn't inside of me so that made me an average hairdresser because I was just an average child doing as I was shown and told to do, never coming up with ideas myself or finding my own ways to do things, I was controlled by mum and dad and the teachers telling me what to do, shit I am like a fucking robot. Just a system full of programmes with nothing coming from my soul because I cant get to it, I don't know my own naturalness of my soul and what it can do, how it can create for itself. Fuck, fuck fuck I feel so angry about it all, I feel so trapped in my programme of mum and dad, I can only create within the parameters of their program they put into me, I feel so finite and stuck in the mind of mum and dad.
I so desperately want to shake them off and out of me, they are stopping me at every move, I live within their walls and cant break through. I feel so angry, like I want to smash through it all and have it crumble down around me so I can see what else there is for me, I just feel so trapped inside myself, my mind, their mind. I want to see who I am, what I can create from my soul, something pure from me and I know it is there but I cant get to it yet, I am still to full of them, Fuck I feel like buckling and crumbling to the ground in defeat, I cant see a way out. I am so trapped by them and keep bouncing into their walls they have built around me.
I would love to be able to go to this interview knowing that I am a great creator, feeling I can rely on my soul to create something so original and beautiful but I cant, its not going to happen for me. I will turn to books and you tubes to get someone else's inspiration and use that to create my great show piece to get me the job. No originality coming from me, no confidence that I can rely on myself to do a great job because it comes from my soul, it is so natural. No nothing like that, my mind can only copy, my mind is a cheat and a fraud and will need to get inspiration from outside itself because it wants power, control, to be the best, to get the job so it can continue to survive.
I feel like fucking well giving up, I am so fucked of at myself and how my mind is still so powerful, how I am still letting it have control. Shit I feel so confused I don't know what way to turn right now, I am fucked. I am so confused I don't even know what I am talking about now, I have lost it completely. I cant do anything, I cant create anything true, I am a fraud and a fake and this has brought up just how much of a fraud and fake I am. Nothing I do comes from my soul, nothing I do is true.
I am a useless FRAUD, I am a useless Fake, I cant create anything real from inside of me, my soul, Nothing I do is true, what's the fucking point in anything when it doesn't come from me, my soul. What's the point is reproducing someone else's ideas, that makes me pointless, it makes my existence pointless, a waste, fuck I feel so confused about myself, the point of my existence, there is no point if I spend my life copying but what else can I do when I was taught to copy mum and dad, do as they did, do as they told me so I do this in everything, only do as I am told not what I want to do, fuck I don't even know what it is I want to do so I have to carry on copying, I feel like screaming the house down with rage at the moment, because I don't have an authentic bone in my body. There is none of ME in me, I am all my parents and every one in my life is my parents telling me what to do.
I don't know how to be me and create from me, I only know how to be them and it is all ruined because of that. I don't know how to do anything without them telling me and I feel like an empty shell with all of the good stuff ripped out of me.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 8, 2018 1:27:50 GMT 10
Through what I wrote earlier I can see that everyone is creating from their denied and supressed childhood unhealed emotions, even the beautifulest work of art or floral arrangement is created and based upon our unhealed feelings from childhood so it all is untrue. So is it really beautiful?? Its all based upon the creators feelings of why they want to create it, what feelings are driving the need to do it. Why would a fashion designer want to create a wonderful dress, what were their intentions, feelings behind wanting to do it, wanting to be the best, wanting to be famous and known by the whole world, be recognised all because the were not recognised by their parents perhaps. It all depends on how we were parented as to whether we can create great pieces or not, how we were allowed to express our selves as children. Those great pieces don't seem so great when the true feelings that they are founded upon are known, I don't think I will see anything as being beautiful again because an unhealed being created it, everything is tainted by our childhood repression and it makes everything sad and gross. I have a very bad feeling about anything beautiful because it was created by a denied and repressed child. I felt repressed all the time so my creating is repressed, so much so that I cant bring it out into creation, so I have to be inspired or copy and start from there. Some children were allowed to explore their creativity to a higher degree, although still in the controlled parameters of their parents, so grow up to be able to create more freely.
My expression of creation is retarded, I cant think of a starting point, I need telling, inspiring, or showing because I was parented that way, it doesn't just come to me, it has to come from outside of me and that is fucking frustrating. I was allowed to create but only what mum and dad created, I copied them.
It always comes back to how I was unlovingly parented, everything I can do or cant do is because I was parented that way.
This Florist interview is just more unloving parenting, wanting me to prove I am good enough for them and if I am not, then they don't want me, it all stinks of unloving parenting and how I feel like I have to be what they want or I wont be accepted. That is what I am scared of the total loss of all power as I am told I am not wanted by them, the pain of being so rejected, the humiliation of telling others I didn't get the job, I wasn't good enough, its so fucking embarrassing not to be wanted, it takes all your power and leaves you weakened because of the unlovingness of not being wanted, not being special enough. "We don't want you Sam, your not what we want", that hurts because it is how I felt from my conception with mum and dad but they had to put up with me.
I'm not scared of the interview I am scared of being judged and rejected but at the same time I want it, I want to feel all the feelings this situation is going to bring up in me, I want to feel it all and get it out and there is so much to feel, so many different facets to it coming from all different directions feelings, feelings, feelings hitting me all at once. I feel this is really helping me so much so that I don't want the job but I do want the feelings it is bringing up. God knows just what I need to bring up those feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 8, 2018 22:13:19 GMT 10
I woke up this morning feeling another great fear from the job interview saga. It is all down to me, I have to save myself and keep myself safe, only I can provide for me. I always feel so alone with everything, like I have to do it for myself and is this really how it was for me as a child?? Was I so alone that I had to do everything for myself and the answer is YES, when ever I wanted anything I couldn't go to mum or dad I had to keep it inside me and so it myself almost in secret because It wasn't what they would have wanted for me, it would have been silly or a waste of time so I kept it to myself, all of my wants and needs and fantasies, they were foolish to everyone else and I felt stupid to share them.
I feel like I have to go it all alone and so I am, I have my friend Trevor and my children but they are not going to save me, if anything it is me who has had to save them and I feel that is my job in life to save people, save the world all on my own, I cant ask for help because I wont get it for something I want to do, I will only get help if it was mum or dads idea. So I now believe I am alone on this planet with a husband that went of and died on me and no one I can go to, no one. No one is going to help me, no one is going to save me and I don't even trust God to help me, God will just leave me to be chucked out of my home and left to rot in the gutter and I am so scared of being cold, hungry like the homeless people I see on the streets, is that what is ahead of me? I am scared of the pain I might feel and I feel God will leave me suffer like they have left those poor homeless people to suffer, fuck you God, you are not helping me, you want me to suffer, shit I feel so angry at God, I fucking hate them today for leaving me so alone with all of this.
I now feel I have to go and get a job as it is getting so close to the bone and I don't want to be chucked out as the freezing winters approach but I also cant imagine me doing any job any more, what the fuck do I do? I am feeling all the feeling that I am feeling, its all I can do. I don't want a fucking job but it is all down to me to survive for myself because I don't trust God to help me carry on doing what I want to do, stay at home and heal myself as I have been doing. I feel like mum and dad have discovered what I am doing and want me to stop, its not what they want for me and they wont be a part of it, they wont help me if it is not their idea, they will leave me to it, alone until I tow their line and get back inline with what they want me to do.
I feel totally alone with this and I am scared of what will happen to me if I don't work. I wish I was brave enough to say fuck it, I will trust in God and let the money run out and get chucked out and live under a bridge with an old wet blanket to keep me warm being abused by everyone who walks by, I wish I could say I will do that because I trust in God so much but I am to scared to just trust in God, I don't believe I will be ok and God will look after me because I have always felt it is up to me to make myself safe, no one is going to do it for me, not even God.
What would any of you do in my place? would you just give it all up, have no home, no food, no drink, no warmth, no safety, no internet or phone, no connection to anyone. I am shitting myself because I don't want to go to work I want to stay true to myself and my healing and not do something I don't want to do. And I think I have just found it, I have just said it, that is it, I am being made to do something I don't want to do, just how it was in my childhood constantly, this is just the dilemma I was always in as a child, having to do something I don't want to do. Doing the will of my mum and dad or I would suffer the deprivation of not doing their will. It is happening all over again if I don't do this job I will be put into deprivation so its safer to tow the line of society or be rejected to a homeless life of no love, its a constant threat over the head of every child and every adult.
I know none of this may happen but I have to express all of the fears I am feeling, these are my fears of what might happen to me and I have no one to tell only this web site. These are the fears of how it was for me as a child, to tow the parental line or else, what could happen to me? I could get in real trouble with mum and dad and I was terrified of that so I did all they said to please them and keep them happy and that is exactly what we do in society every day, all because we had to do it with our parents.
I am so confused at the moment, I don't know what to do, but really I do!! To stay true to my feelings I would not go to the interview and keep on feeling all of my feelings about how scared I am and take it one feeling at a time. I don't want to go to work, I want to stay true to my healing so that is my answer or I could go to the interview, get the job and be safe doing something I don't want to do and that just stinks of my child hood having to do what my parents wanted me to do so that would be being untrue to myself and yet again I can see God, My Father,(Mother is not here so much at this time) smiling at me again as he often does when I come to the right conclusion. my feelings tell me to do what I want to do, what my feelings guide me to doing as that is what God wants for me so I feel I now don't want to do anything to go against my feelings and God is smiling again. Yes, that is what I want to do, I really feel that. I am so sure about it now, I am going to tell them that I am not going to be at the interview and that feels so right for me, it feels true because it is what I want. I feel so happy with that decision and it has taken a lot of feeling to come to the truth which was always there from the beginning if I stayed true to my feelings and not let my mind tell me what I should do. My feelings are the way, one by one right now in this moment.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 9, 2018 19:05:13 GMT 10
I am using this forum as like a Feeling Journal, a place I can go to express all I feel, I just need to get it out of me so I write it and I speak it out to God, usually before I write it and whilst I am writing I feel times when I want to speak what I have just written out, to God.
Today I have woke up feeling scared again, full of doom about what is going to happen to me. I know I keep repeating it, I am bored sick of it myself but every bit I express out of me, is a little bit less of my repression, slowly bit by bit it is leaving me and if I have more bad feelings about something then I know there is more emptying to do about that subject and it is boring to go on and on about the same thing but if the feelings are there, then they need to come out.
Today I feel anxious and buzzy, the fear has set in again and I am shit scared again. Please Mother and Father help me express all I need to, help me feel the truth of how I feel and get it out of me, please help me do this. I feel a terror of being so alone with all of my problems, I have Trevor but I don't feel it is right to talk to him about it all, he will just try to heal me in his way and I don't want to be told what to do or how to feel or how it is for me, No, that drives me fucking crazy and is just like being with mum and dad, I feel like smashing his face in as the anger wells up in me as he talks at me and I never get to feel I can be true about all I feel with him, I will be shut down. I feel like I have no one to talk to so I use this forum. I am so alone with it all just me and my feelings and it feels scary to be so alone, doing it all by myself as I have had to do everything, it makes it all such a secretive world for me, so repressed. This is how bad it was for me as a child, its still the same just me and my feelings and thoughts driving myself mad having no outlet, no one to just listen without trying to fix me, I don't want to be fixed I just want to get it out, not interfered with by suggestions of what I should do or I am to dark or negative and its not good for me, fuck that, I want to be dark and negative because that is how I feel.
I tell Trevor how scared I feel about being homeless and on the streets, cold and hungry and he says that wont happen to me, and that I will do something to change it. It makes me feel so angry that he cant just draw more of my feelings out of me, encourage me to go into the fear of it all, that is what I want, someone to help me express it all out of me but I get the same shit as mum and dad would say, "oh you are thinking to much about it Sam, stop being silly, get yourself a job" and all of that shit. It is really hard not to have anyone who takes my feelings seriously and wants to help me get them out, they all want to do the opposite. No one wants to know, they cant be bothered to listen, I don't blame them, they are not on the same Feeling Healing as I am, they don't get it and think I am harming myself doing this, going into all of my childhood repression is craziness to them, dragging it all up. I am going to drag the whole of it up, so they will have to fuck of away from me.
My feelings tell me I am not going to be ok, it is always the same, I am going to have the worst happen to me, suffer terribly, that is how I feel and when there is no money left everyone will leave me and go their separate ways because I have nothing left to offer them, I am of no use to them anymore and they will go on to the next mug. I will be left to rot, alone. I hate everyone, I feel so used by everyone and when I have nothing left that they want, they fuck of and don't want to know me any more, I am just there for them for as long as they need me and no one is there for me.
It is just how I felt as a child, having to give, give, give all the time and when I needed help emotionally, no one was there for me, they were there physically but not in the way I needed them, emotionally, nothing has changed for me. Trevor is there for me physically but not how I need him to be and it cant be any other way because it is showing me how it was for me as a child. All I can do is keep on feeling it all, day after day, the same shit just a little bit more of it coming out of me bit by bit.
My whole body is tingling with anxiety like pins and needles, I am scared and as I ask for Mother and Fathers help, I feel the fear more and I know there is so much of it in me and they are heling me to express it all. I am terrified about what is to become of me and I feel I just have to let it happen because I cant do anything to change it. You may say just get a job and it will all be ok and yes it would if I felt I could do that. I cant do it, I physically cant go for that interview and I cant explain it but I can go through the motions of applying for a job, even getting an interview but when it comes to it I cant do it, my body stops, my feelings stop, it is wrong for me and my soul screams at me and I just cry because I cant physically do it, I feel I am stopped every time by myself because it feels so wrong for me now. I will be hurting myself by going against how I feel and I cant do that any more so I am stuck, really stuck in having to give up but I am terrified too. I don't know what to do because I am so scared about trusting my feelings and God to know what is best for me, its a lot to ask and it will take time healing the trust because mum and dad thought they knew what was best for me and it never was for me, it was what was best for them so now I cant trust God to have my best interests at heart when my parents didn't. Its all so fucking tough and all I can do is feel my way through it but it is so hard when all I want to know is am I going to be safe and ok, I don't know that and its a lot of trust to find. I was always scared as a child that I was not going to be safe and all of those feelings are now coming up for me to heal, my feelings take me back to those times as a child when I was scared and couldn't tell anyone. I never knew if I was going to be ok and I didn't believe mum and dad if they said all was ok because they were terrified too.
Shit I feel very confused.
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Post by James on Sept 9, 2018 20:30:47 GMT 10
Please keep using the forum this way Sam, I’m pleased if it helps, even with its limitation that it’s not another person. I wish you could speak face-to-face with Marion, she’d help you go deeper and wouldn’t try to stop you at all, encouraging you to bring it all out. If it wasn’t in you, you’d not be feeling it, because it is you, as you are feeling it. And writing that about Marion has broadened my appreciation and reverence of her because she will go as deep as you can as she has such an incredible capacity for embracing such feelings. Which I see you have too Sam, being able to work so much with yourself like this.
I’m in awe of you both, I truly am, I think it’s so incredible what you both can do with your feeling acceptance, being so in them, even when they are tearing you apart, but still just going with them wherever they lead you. And I can see that I am rather dull and not very stimulating for Marion, she’s not actually said as much but I can sense it now that really all she wants is to be embroiled in all the deeper and deepest feelings with herself and someone else or other people. It is the only thing that really captivates and fascinates her. I’m sorry to go on about her here, as it’s probably the last thing you need, however if I don’t write it now I never will.
I wish I could be of more help, however I’m about as good as Trevor at it all. The thought that came up as I read your posts before this last one was how many bad feelings might also come up if you did go and even got the job. But I guess you’ve been on that side too, and this where you are now, where you physically can’t go and your feelings shut down, is obviously more important.
These things are so hard, do you just stick to your guns, yet what if those guns are tarnished by your yuk? Marion is so straightforward expressing going and not going, even in the same breath should she need to, and possibly you are more like her in that; whereas for myself, I’m my usual jumbled mess in just about everything I do - should I or shouldn’t I, do I really not want to go - do I really want to go, I don’t know! And why do it and why don’t I do it? And over and over so many of the same or similar situations all to help me strip away the layers.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 10, 2018 21:22:37 GMT 10
I love all you have said about Marion, I would love to be with her too and have the support from both of you but I understand this is how it has to be for me, how Mother and Father want it for me as it is the truth of how it was for me as a child and although I hate it I also love it so much, I love the truth of it and how it is being shown to me and it is never ending surprises and the beauty of the revelation of truth of how it really was for my beyond my fantasies and denial.
My feelings are ever changing and I just have to accept them being so. I change my mind constantly as my feelings change and today I don't feel so bad about the job but on the morning that could all change, even as I am driving there I could turn around, it could all change as we are talking and I will feel it and say "sorry, its not for me" if my feelings take me that way. I cant say or predict how it will be or what I will do just do what I feel in the moment.
Today I feel so completely different, not a bit like the chaos I felt over the last few days. I feel really calm and free with it not tormented at all and if it comes to me doing this job and I feel I want to, I will go with it until my feelings change. But as I said, that could all change in a second.
I feel a lot less conflicted by it all, like it doesn't really matter, all that matters is that I follow my feelings and I will know what to do by following them good or bad and feeling my way through it all.
Yes, today I feel good James.
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Post by James on Sept 11, 2018 18:47:52 GMT 10
I love how you are so with your feelings Sam. Marion is showing me, and slowly - every so slowly, I’m accepting that it’s right and even a good way to be. For you to feel so free with your feelings, going with them as they can turn in a flash, fills me with envy as much as it thrills me. And coming to see how our feelings are directly from our soul, and how involved every tiny experience is, and how fantastic they are when you’re not scared of them, and how much you can relish living at peace and contentedly with them, and like Marion is becoming more each day, so full of happiness that they are so changing, and they do change, and she can be this way in one moment and then suddenly the very opposite and she loves it all. We were never meant to change, it was wrong and bad, you had to lock down your feelings making them unchanging all so you would comply with their needs for control, how devastatingly cruel it being. And again you are showing when you’ve expressed it all out, then that nice calm comes with the truth so it will be good to see what happens for you tomorrow.
When I’m not scared to death of what bad feeling I’m going to feel next, it is so exciting, to think that our Mother and Father have made it all so incredibly dynamic and complex, and that we should all be roaring along with our feelings leading, and how good it would be accepting each other being like that.
Things have changed again for me. Some major shifts are happening. I’m seeing things about myself and all my pain which are completing the whole picture. And then I feel expansive and changing - transforming I hope. I’ve not felt angry for a week, with it being the dominant feeling for these past months, nor have I felt scared or miserable. And the last couple of days I’ve been feeling good, feeling like I am moving inside me instead of feeling stagnant like I have been for so long now.
One of the big insights was today seeing that mum and dad are completely black holes, they are a void and I was in the void with them - their created void, trying to feel secure when all I felt was scared and unloved. And when I talk to them I am talking to the void, no one was there for me, so no personal connection, and how desperately alone, unloved and scared I’ve always felt. I feel nothing for or from them, and currently not even any anger, it’s just as if I grew up in an impersonal incubator that had walls and a roof and stabbed and yelled at me making sure I never moved or expressed myself. I drive into Cowes and suddenly I feel sad and tears start rolling down my cheeks as I feel how unloved I feel and felt. Then walking about shopping talking with the Mother and Father I start crying again, yet this time with happiness that it’s all coming to a close. I feel it is now, Marion is just so in love with the Father, more so every day, she’s so happy, wanting to live here and not die - that being such a huge turnaround for her. She is so in tune with her feelings, so spiritual now, the physical is just there doing what it needs to do but she hardly notices it other than when it gives her trouble, yet all these troubles she’s loving more as she accepts them. She’s even accepting me more, letting me go, leaving me be how I am, realising more that we’re all different and have our own path to follow, understanding why I’m so fucked and how we can’t relate properly because of that, and yet that’s okay, it doesn’t really even matter, one day she’ll move onto different relationships and relating better, she feels that, and it’s true, I can sense it with her now.
So I’m having for the first time a lovely sense of it is all right, even that I’m all right in my fuckedness. The Healing is the right way and what we need to do, and it all will and does work out, and time is needed for the masses of feelings that are involved, all of which you are helping me see too. And to even start to love feelings, mine, and others expressing theirs, that they are the most wonderful things, so much better than just a few thoughts or imaginings in the mind. And to feel that I want to move deeper into the feelings universe, that’s where it’s the right place to be, to eventually leave my mind to do its job in support of my feelings. I love sitting on the couch doing nothing, not writing, I’ve put all the movies on hold, just seeing what I feel, dosing, drifting, saying what I want to Marion and listening to her and doing nothing else, and not feeling bored and angry that nothing is happening, because now I feel it is happening, and has been all the way along of course, yet I wasn’t able to perceive the real deeper happenings.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 15, 2018 9:55:08 GMT 10
Well, I went to the Interview.
I now realise that I can only be my fucked up self and it is so frustrating to be such a fuck up. I got home and just wanted to die because I saw myself in action, being the injured child that I am. Trying to be everything they wanted me to be. I went straight into survival mode as they fired their questions at me, defending myself with all the right answers so I would be accepted, it was just like having mum and dad interview me and I was struggling for survival, not to be crushed under the weight of what they expect of me.
I am confused and don't really know what happened to me that is why I haven't wrote about it earlier, I came away feeling I had just played a part in a play, it wasn't real, it wasn't me but my parents creation and I saw myself properly in action trying to be loved, so desperate, I should have put a sign round my neck saying 'please Love me'. I am ashamed of myself and felt really bad when I got home, that I had let myself down, let my healing down, I was and am so disappointed with myself.
I am gutted at how I was and yet I also got to see so much more truth of how untrue I am and how it was for me as a child with my parents trying to get them to love me by being the best, being creative, making things look good and it was all for them, so they would be proud of me and love me. I constantly felt like I had to sell myself to them and I did this at the interview, I had to prove myself worthy of the job like I had to prove my self worthy of my parents, it was just the same. I couldn't be myself with my parents, so I still believe I cant be myself with anyone else, it just wont get me anywhere in life so I have to be what people want me to be. This is how I was at the interview most of the time.
I feel ashamed to write this for all to read, I feel like I am a complete fraud and I am so ashamed and feel like I will be hated because of it, so it has not been easy to write this but I am a fraud, I was a fraud in that interview, I was a fraud with my parents and I have always been nothing but a fraud and I feel so hopeless, like there is no hope for me and as I came out of that interview I wanted to punch myself, hit myself, beat myself up for being such a lie. It was deeply upsetting for me as I saw the truth of how I was as a child and how I still am when under threat of being rejected, I do all I can to save myself and the only way to do that is to be what people want me to be, be anything but myself because that will not be wanted by anyone. Being myself wont get me anywhere, its not wanted and I saw that in full swing at the interview.
Throughout the interview something weird was going on, inside of me I was having this internal dialogue, an argument between my mind and my feelings, saying to myself "What the fuck are you doing, what are you saying" this sort of thing, and because of this going on I missed some of the questions and had to ask them to repeat them. I feel like a complete failure, like I have ruined everything for my healing, I had a chance to be myself, to be true and I fucked it up, I cant be true, I am to ruined yet I can be true to people on here, who are doing their healing through their feelings, I want to be true and tell you all everything about how fucked up I am but I go out into the world of untruth and I am untrue to those not doing their feeling healing, they don't want to know truth, they would not be interested in the truth. It is all very hard and confusing and I want to be with others who want truth and accept truth because out there, no one wants to hear it or know it.
At the moment I am a bit fucked trying to feel my way through what happened to me as so many feelings keep coming up. Before I went into the interview I sat in my car and prayed to God to help me know the truth of what I was doing and God did answer me, God showed me the truth of how it was for me as a child with my parents through how it was for me at this interview. They were my parents interviewing me and me being their good little girl saying just what they wanted to hear from me. I can see this is what God wanted for me, to see this truth about myself but I feel so set back by it all, I didn't think I would be like that and I feel disappointed that I was and I did feel like I was a child throughout the interview, with mum and dad sitting opposite me firing questions at me and me doing all I could to survive it all or be crushed by them and rejected. I can see why I needed to go through it but I am shocked at how bad it was for me, as it came out in my interview.
I have found this hard writing, very tough to express it all and very humiliating for me to admit so much untruth and feeling such a fraud, it has knocked me back quite a few paces but this is where I am and I want to tell you all I am a fake, a fraud because that is what mum and dad wanted, they didn't want the true me they wanted the fake me and now I believe that is all anyone will want, that is what will be accepted. Its such a shame, its so upsetting, its so embarrassing and I feel so lost and confused and alone in it all, so far away from being healed in any way, yet I also feel, which is a feeling that is just creeping into me when I declared myself as a fraud, a little bit more healed for the whole experience, for the acceptance of my untruth and saying to you, I am a fake, a fraud, I want you to know that; and I no longer want it to go hidden, I want it out there in the open so I don't have to deny it ever again. I am feeling a feeling grow in me of being happy with that, at finally telling you all that I am a fake, a lie and I am scared of being true because I am scared of people hating me and rejecting me for being true. I have a growing feeling of openness in me as I express more and accept the truth more about being a fraud, a fake, I feel like I want to tell everyone the truth about myself and I want to celebrate the truth I have just accepted in myself and I am feeling so happy about being a fake, being able to release it and no longer hide it from everyone. I am feeling a huge healing occurring in me right now as I am writing this, as I accept the truth that I am a fraud/fake/untrue. I know something has changed in me as I can now see the smiling face of God, laughing and smiling at me as I release more bad feelings out of me. This is something that happens to me now in my healing, when I get to a truth through feeling it and healing it, I see the face of God, mostly my Father although I can feel my Mothers presence also but I can see my Fathers face which may be just the way they let me know I have done it and then they can change it in my soul. Some kind of personal acknowledgment for me in the way I see God so I get that vision when I have felt a feeling through to its cause.
I feel completely different, free.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 15, 2018 16:42:53 GMT 10
I have woken up with a feeling of unease in me, its a horrible feeling that I want to get to the bottom of. I feel 'Yukky' inside, disturbed, uneasy with what I wrote last night and I want to know why.
"Please Mother and Father help me know the truth that I am not seeing, why am I feeling so disturbed inside. Help me know the truth of how I am feeling".
Yes, I feel very bad now. Its not good, its a nagging bad feeling that I cant identify, its just bad but it is now moving, swirling in me, what is it?? Its so deep and hidden and feels like SHAME, that is it, it is shame!!
That feels good to pin point the feeling, thank yo Mother and Father for helping me know what the feeling is. It feels awful and heavy like a weight around my neck that is always there, nagging at me and I might forget about it for a while but it keeps rising in me and it is Shame. I feel ashamed of myself for not being perfect, for not being true self, my healed self with everyone I meet, questioning why I was so weakened by those interviewers that I had to be so false to them. There are so many facets to this, so many feelings connected to it and each one will have to be accepted and expressed for the truth to be known by me.
I feel so ashamed of myself for feeling so under pressure to impress them instead of staying true to my healing but it is obvious that I am not healed, I was how I needed to be to see the truth, still trying to impress mum and dad and I am ashamed of how I was and ashamed of writing it all down and telling everyone how weak I am. I feel I have let you all down with me lack of healing but this situation brought out the truth in me and that is a healing in its self.
I felt so good after writing all of that last night, now I feel I needed to go even deeper and dissect it all, its like there is an anatomy to the over all feeling that needs to be taken apart and felt and today it is SHAME. The feeling that is left when you lie, a deep feeling of disturbing shame as I realise I am not who I thought I was. I feel a deep shame at not being true to myself but reverting back to being the broken child trying to impress my parents who were these interviewers. I feel like I want to say sorry to everyone who reads this and I am so ashamed of myself for thinking I was anything better than the truth of how I really am, I thought I was further on than I really am and this has brought the truth to me and has hit me hard. It is such a deep truth that I am feeling and it has put me right in my place, grounded me in the truth of how I really am as I watched myself be my broken self with my parents, the interviewers.
I feel ashamed at how I acted, ashamed at the lie that I am and thinking I was better than that and being shocked at the truth and very disturbed by it. God showed me the truth of how I still am and I am thankful for that, so thankful for seeing the truth and now having all of these splinter feelings coming off of it for me to feel. I am deeply grateful for being heard by Mother and Father as they have brought this situation about for me to know more truth, and there is so much of it to be revealed to me that it swamps me and is overwhelming and I feel like I may never get out of it as new truth is shown and more shock is felt by me at the truth of how I am.
I am shocked by how bad I am but at least it is coming up bit by bit and ripping me apart and making me feel awful and so full of shame at myself as I feel more truth of my false, parent created self. It is shocking how much there is and how deeply hidden it has been from my awareness. I am ashamed at being so false and telling everyone about it, it has weakened me to let you all know that I am a lie and that is all I can be until I reveal the truth of it with my Mother and Fathers help, bit by bit. I am truly sorry for being so fake and false but I cant help it, it is how I have been programmed and built to be with everyone and I am so ashamed of myself and so sorry for the false impressions I give everyone. It has been my protection from my weakness of not letting anyone know how painfully weak I feel and how I will die if I allow the weakness to have a say and this shame I am feeling is weakening me greatly, to admit to you all how false I am and how much shame I feel about being such a lie is crushing to me and I feel so exposed and raw, like allow my skin has been peeled off and I am walking around raw and in pain of everything that touches me, even sunlight hurts my rawness. I am so sorry for my lying self and all the false impressions I may have given you all, I feel so ashamed inside and so shocked by the lie that I am and how I have used that lie to survive, as that interview showed me, it has been a huge experience in my healing, a real break down for me and just what Mother and Father wanted for me to heal more of my false self and it has worked.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 15, 2018 23:11:12 GMT 10
I have been really feeling ill today so I went back to bed but couldn't settle as so much truth was coming to me. I have realised that I am not creative at all and this is a surprise to me as I have always thought of myself as being so and have been told by so many people that I am but it isn't true, I am not creative. All I have done is to do what I have been trained to do, it has all come from learning it with my mind and that is not creative it is just doing what it has been taught to do and I cant go out of those parameters of what I have learnt. I am a good florist and an ok hairdresser but it is only because I have had to study it and do the training and then put it into action but I can only go that far, it isn't natural at all, none of it is from my soul, from me, It is all fake learnt stuff coming from my mind.
I don't know how creative I am until I undo all of the mind stuff that I believed to be creative about myself because it isn't me. I don't know me or what I can do, I have no idea who I am and my creativity is all of the mind, all fake. I hate it and no wonder I cant think for myself or create from myself, I have no idea what I would create, there is nothing inside of me that wants to create anything, I have no idea at all what gifts I have. I have just done what is expected and wanted of me and gone of and learnt that and then put it into action but none of it is ME.
I am only what someone else has taught me to be, I trained to be a florist, I trained to be a Hairdresser it wasn't in me naturally to do it, I did things that people would want me for, they would want me to cut their hair, they would want me to do some beautiful flowers for them. All of it done just so I could feel loved and wanted and of use to people, of service because I had to be of service to mum and dad to feel good, loved and wanted. I got the praise I needed from these jobs, it was all to fulfil my neediness, all addictions to get my feelings met by someone to replace the love I never felt so naturally from my parents, just another compulsion of mine.
I have no idea what my soul will be able to create when I am healed and living from my souls desires, I have no idea who I am at all or what I can do from a place of truth and love but what I do know is all I have done so far is not me, it is my minds control over my feelings. That is why I cant create anything other than what I have been taught, it is all so finite as that is what the mind is, it can only go so far, then it all stops and plateau's out because it can go no further and I have noticed that with all of my creativity, I need to copy or be inspired from outside of myself because none of this has come from my soul so I am not creative, I am a fake copy at the best and everything is only a creation of my minds training and programming, none of it my creation from my soul. That part of me, I have no idea about at all, I don't know what I am capable of doing. Confirming even deeper to me that I am a Fake and everything I do is fake coming from my mind.
I have no idea who I am, what I can do, what I want to do or how to do it unless I am told, trained, taught like a robot empty person and that makes me feel very pointless and hopeless and a waste of a life, a waste of my souls experience, what has been the point in ME when I have not used it, my soul only used my mind to create this existence which is not real.
What a waste of 50 years.
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Post by James on Sept 16, 2018 18:30:44 GMT 10
Yeah well you’re very creative writing these posts, being able to express all you feel so well and getting to the bottom of your feelings and bringing the truth to light. There is nothing better than that when you want to do your Healing. And once done, you’ll still be expressing all you feel and bringing more truth of yourself to light. That is, so far as I can see, being as creative as you can be. All the other stuff, what you might do in life is secondary, and sure, it adds more to the experience helping you feel more, however it’s not what’s important.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 25, 2018 9:53:36 GMT 10
I haven't been feeling very well over the last few days, sick and on the toilet constantly until I feel like I am so drained of all of my bodily fluids, I want to pass out, I can hardly stand after. I am in a bad way, my stomach is constantly gurgling and churning and everything I eat goes straight through me, its awful. I have the shits big time and I feel drained, tired, worn out, burnt out, weak and hopeless. I cant go out because I have to be near a loo, I feel like I am dying.
I sat here just now crying at how alone I am feeling and just wanted my mum to hold me and tell me she is with me and wont leave me and although she cared about me as a child and was sympathetic when I was ill, there was so much missing emotionally and that made me feel alone with my ailments, like I had no one on my side. I have felt like a child again in my illness and so sad and sorry for myself, not getting any sympathy from anyone really.
I think this all started because Faye got a new job and started today. Last week she said she had to go to London for a training day and she said she was scared about doing it all alone, getting the trains right and being there on time and all of that. I instantly felt desperately sad and scared for her, shit scared you might say. I haven't been right since and I have a great sadness and fear in me for her and how she is feeling because it is how I feel. I sat with her and told her to tell me all of how she is feeling and what she is worried about, so she did and every bit of it was the same as how I am feeling for her, I have passed on these fears to her and now the situation has arisen for her to travel alone in a big city and it has brought up all of my fears to feel and I am literally shitting myself, I am so scared for her and for me, it is like it is me having to go through it all, I am a physical wreck.
I am so scared, I am terrified, what if I get lost, what if I fuck it all up and am late, what if I can never find my way back home again and I am lost forever, oh my god I am crying, I am so scared of the big city and getting so lost and losing all control, my head is spinning in a whirl of confusion at all of the things that could go so wrong and I am now seeing myself as a three or four year old girl and I have lost mum, I cant find her, I am crying and I am so lost and I will never see her again, she is all I want, I just want to see mums face come and save me in this huge place, I am being swallowed up be this city, it is swamping me and I am sinking being swallowed up by it and mum cant find me, she never will again, I will never see her again and I will die, this city will kill me if I get lost and cant find my way back to mum. How could she lose me, why wasn't she watching me, why didn't she have hold of me all the time, how could she let go, what was she thinking, she has lost me because she didn't take care of me she was to busy with her stuff and she has lost me. I wasn't as important as what she wanted to do and now I am lost for ever. God, it is all so traumatic being a child and having these memories come back at me.
I have always felt like if I go to far away from home I will never find my way back to mum, it has always scared me to go to far out and that is because of the terror of being separated from her in these ways and the terror of never seeing her again when I was taken from her or accidentally separated or lost in busy places. I am constantly looking for mum, she is my life line, my safety and without her I will be lost for ever left to wonder in fear and terror on my own in this big world, shit its an awful thought and a sickening feeling, the dread of that instant when as a child you cant see mum and every one is towering above you as you get lost deeper and deeper in the crowds, makes me shudder.
I am so scared of Faye getting lost and being without me, this is me and mum playing out for me to feel, its all so clever the way it works. I have been longing with such strong and heart felt desire to God to help me get my shit out, and it is working physically and emotionally. I am feeling so much and so strongly and I feel my child self going through all of these fears that are hidden inside me since such a young age, the feeling is the same, exactly the same for me now, as when I was a child, I am still that child and expressing them like a child, God takes me right back there and I find it so incredible.
I don't want Faye to feel the terror of being lost with out her mum like I was, its the end of the world, there is nothing left its just the end of everything and the panic and fear as you realise you are lost, never to be found again. You see it in children in shops who have lost their mums and they are crying in the shock of losing their mum, its the end for them, its disaster like no other and all the grown ups around look at that child in pain remembering how it feels, shit there is no feeling like the one of that separation suddenly you are truly alone and for that time, it feels like that is how it will be forever, you will be forever a lost child.
I am still feeling my child self very strongly and the fear is still with me, losing mum and never being with her again, never being safe again, being vulnerable to everyone around, they can do what they want to me if mum isn't around to keep me safe, she is my life line. She is all I have in life to keep me safe, not dad, only mum. To be lost I will never be safe again, I will always be lost in life, what will happen to me. I am shit scared, I am shitting myself about being so lost, so out of control. I have no control over my bodily functions and being lost makes me feel like that, I lose control, fear makes me shit myself.
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Post by James on Sept 26, 2018 19:06:27 GMT 10
What a perfect connection between the Adult you now, who is still the child, and the child you back then who is the adult to be now, all with the feelings being the connection in the moment liking past, future and the present. Yes, the terrible fear and literally shitting yourself because of it.
I see the children in their distressed traumatic states and it’s me and I know it’s all locking into place, underpinning their adult lives and all the shit they will go through in them.
I couldn’t leave the house, and it was mum and then recently it was just the house I couldn’t leave, it being my safe place that I couldn’t go far from. And I need someone else to provide it for me, it was her place, he gallery showing off the things she liked which I couldn’t touch, not mine, I never felt like it was mine to do as I pleased in, so I’ve have never been able to provide a house for myself, having to wait for someone else (her and dad - (now John)) to do it. Our patterns are all so strong, so literal as your body is showing, which is the good part about doing our Healing in the physical for our body plays such and incredible role in showing us the truth we’re in and mostly not paying attention to.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 27, 2018 8:15:07 GMT 10
Thanks James for your supportive replies and what you add about your own experiences helps me understand so much more. I think I have what they call IBS Irritable Bowel Syndrome, more like fucking furious. I am feeling more into all of the fears of shitting myself in public and how much I am controlled by the shame of it all. Today Trevor asked me to go out with him and the place was 27 miles away and yet again I was shitting myself with fear about what happens if I have an attack when I am out and I picture myself in the worst case possible, actually shitting myself and not being able to get to a loo. The worries of this actually stopped me going and I said I wouldn't go because I cant trust my bowels at the moment, it seems to have times when it is worse.
The fear stopped me going out and this felt wrong to me, I cant do anything because I am scared of what would happen if I cant get to a toilet but I wanted to go. My angry bowels(My Parents) were telling me NO!! I cant go out, they are controlling me and taking my will so I had to go and feel about this. I wanted to go out so I said to Trevor that I would come and feel my way through the journey, which I did. I was constantly looking for service stops that had toilet facilities along the way, or hedges and trees I could hide behind if I really had to, it all sounds so disgusting I know but this is the truth of how it is for me. With every twinge I felt in my stomach, I felt a wave of fear and dread wash over my whole body, oh God, is this it, is it going to just uncontrollably come out of me and do what it wants without any regard for me and what I want, embarrassing me, humiliating me with out a care, I am going to be hated and so laughed at and seen as so pathetic, Trevor wont want anything to do with me again because I am a disgrace. It was a pretty stressful journey and not to enjoyable but I needed to do it, to feel all of the feelings that would come up for me to heal. I got home ok without the worst happening and it felt good to be back in my safety of my home but there is so much to feel, so many different aspects and angles to this situation that keep coming up so I will slowly work my way through it, through my feelings.
Its going to take some time to heal this, its such a big one and so much shame involved in it and even writing it on here is all a part of me coming to terms with getting all of my disgusting parts out in the open, to admit and accept I am disgusting and all the rest of the feelings that this brings up in me, its really hard and I have to take it as it comes up for me and feel it all in the moment, nothing forced. I have always tried my hardest to be a controlled, acceptable person and these IBS symptoms are so far removed from what I have been taught to be, its not acceptable to shit yourself and I cant accept it in myself yet so there is a lot of work to do, I don't accept myself in this way, I cant yet but that peace will come as I heal it and when God knows I have done all the feeling healing it takes to heal this in me, then it will change. The acceptance will come and it will happen naturally as I feel all of the feelings this brings up, when I have got them all out of me.
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Post by James on Sept 27, 2018 18:39:20 GMT 10
Yeah, so much of it seems to come down to the shit of it, the bottom, literally, because that caused us so many problems with our parents not able to deal with such daily normal functions. And I know what you mean by putting it all out there, sharing all the worst yuk bits, but it’s just being normal, anyone can have a bad stomach time and might need to shit in a public place and yet it’s one of our greatest fears like you are working through Sam. The shame, humiliation and embarrassment and having to be made to go all the time when you are young all so you don’t disgrace yourself, which is really so our parents don’t feel disgraced. We wouldn’t care being young children, that’s just all the shit literally that our parents heap on us. I so admire how you go through it, just do it to feel all your feel, all the worst stuff.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 28, 2018 6:02:46 GMT 10
I am feeling very overwhelmed again with so many bad feelings. This is so hard, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I feel so stuck in my bad feelings today, totally swamped by them, like I can't keep afloat and keep going under as they drown me. It's so hard. I am only seeing a very poor and bleak future for me as my money fears rise up again. I just can't see a way out or how I am going to cope, I am shitting myself, again. I am so scared, I am even having bad dreams about suddenly being in a city I don't know and losing my bag with all my money, cards, phone and house and car keys in it, everything gone until there is only me with no help, no one to save me, I have lost everything. Day and night, it's relentless how much fear I have in me about this and all I can do is keep going over the same fear, keep telling God about it until they know I have exhausted it all out of me. I am so fucking terrified, so shocked that money is the only thing that can save me from all of my fears and keep me safe. Harry earnt all the money and kept me safe and now it is up to me and I can't do it, I can't get a job, all the ones I have gone for I get turned down and I never got turned down for a job before.
Today I am feeling a complete mess, in a huge confusion of feelings about what is going to happen to me, I have no one to look after me, it's all down to me and at the moment I can't see how God can help me, I live in a world dependant on money, man has created it that way and how do I survive without it. I am scared, really scared. What is going to happen to me, am I going to be safe.
I don't trust you God, I can't trust you to look after me, I wish I could but I can't. I don't feel safe in your care, I feel alone and frightened and like you don't even care or see how much pain I am in, you just let me suffer. I hate you so much right now, your fucking useless parents to me, i cant even feel you. I want to be safe, i want to feel safe with you but i dont. I hate you both, you are fucking useless to me, i only have myself to rely on, not you so how can i trust you both. I hate you, just fuck off and go and do your own thing, see to every one else before me, dont even bother about me you useless pair of bastards. I want to scream in your faces that you have abandoned me and left me with nothing, i have nothing of you to make me feel safe, you have both emotionally left me. How could you when i need so much from you. I dont know how to do any of this on my own, i need you and your love and guidance but i feel it all falls on deaf ears, you dont hear me. Whats the point, its all so fucking useless even to moan about it, you dont hear me, nothing changes.
I feel so bad, so much worse than yesterday and how much love I felt through accepting how I am. Today I feel gutted and so angry. It's so unfair that I feel do abandoned and unsafe.
As I we writing that above stuff, ranting at God. It started of being aimed at God but very soon it was to mum and dad, I could feel them and I was aiming it at them. They have fucked me up do much that I don't have their love to make me feel safe in this world, I only have the idea of it being money to keep me safe, as it was with them, in constant battles because they never had any money. They taught me that it was money that keeps you safe, not love and now I am just like them, scared shitless of being without it and ending up homeless like they were. I can't see a way out tonight. I feel very hopeless and very angry that i have to go through this as they did only I am feeling my way through it, to heal it but I have no idea how bad it will have to get for me. I am very scared.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 28, 2018 18:58:59 GMT 10
This morning I have woken up feeling very ill, like I have flu or something, totally weak and drained, its like I am feeling the physical feeling of how weak and powerless I feel without any money, I am now feeling it physically. Shit I feel horrible with a burning throat and aches and pains. All of my fears are coming out in me physically to feel deeper into and its horrible. I feel so weak and broken and this is how I really am inside, I feel like I have nothing left, I am poor emotionally and physically and materially I have nothing left, I feel terrible and I will just go back to bed and feel my way through it all, cry it out of me. I hate you God for leaving me alone and not helping me, and as I said that God is answering me and telling me they are helping me, this is their help, they are heling me more than I could ever know because I have longed for them to help me feel and find the truth of myself.
I still feel that I am angry and hate God though. My back hurts so much, like I have been kicked in the middle of it, I am going back to bed.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 1, 2018 7:32:31 GMT 10
I am so bored today, all day bored. Nothing to do, no where to go, just a whole load of nothing and it is so frustrating. I get up from my couch and walk around the house just to do something, looking for something to do but there is nothing. I feel so lost with nothing to do and being so bored. It makes me feel so meaningless, so trapped in a cycle of the same thing everyday, more "nothingness" to look forward to tomorrow and the next day and so on, all the same nothingness.
What's the point in my life when it is so nothing, no one knows me, I am not wanted by anyone to do anything really and there is nothing I want to do. I feel like I have no meaning or purpose any more. I feel like I am not functioning or existing in life so what is there for me?? I don't know. Shit I have a real block about this!! There is a place in me that I cant get to but I cant force it, I have to let it come up from within my feelings naturally, I can feel it there but cant get to it yet. All I can do is keep saying how I feel and that is so bored, so uninteresting and useless with no purpose. Bored, bored, bored and I cant get past that.
All day I walk around my house in a state of frustration because I have nothing to do and don't feel I can do anything that I used to do because it would be more denial of feeling bored, anything I do would be to stop myself feeling my feelings of boredom and that is not helping me to heal it. I could do loads of things, like mum and dad would tell me to do as a child when I told them I had nothing to do and I was bored. They would say, go and play, do my homework, clean my room, go round my friends just find something to do. I would have loved mum and dad to have said lets talk about it then or lets do something together then, maybe pay attention to me and care about how I felt but they were to busy and wanted me to be busy like them, denying all of their feelings so they kept busy.
As a child being bored made me feel angry and frustrated because no one wanted to be with me, to play or just be with, it was a total unwanted feeling, like no one wanted to be with me, no one cared I was alone and lonely and being bored makes me feel like that, lonely, excluded from life. No one wants me. I have no one I want to be with because they all don't understand me and what I am doing, how I am healing by not doing the things I would have once done to stop being bored, I don't want to do those things any more, I cant do them. I just want to feel bored. Arrrr I'm having trouble going deeper with my feelings and that makes me feel angry that I cant do it, frustrated that I cant go deeper with this, that I cant get to the cause within me. I feel fucking useless that I am so stuck in my boredom. I am useless, a waste of space of no use to anyone. Just an empty blob. Help me Mother and Father please, help me find the truth of this I am so stuck and just keep repeating how bored I am out loud to you. Oh my God, mum and dad are disappointed with me, they don't know what to do with me not being successful and useful in society, they are at an end with me that I am not doing anything but going backwards in life and they don't know what to say to me. Mum thinks I am being lazy, she believes I should always be busy to be loved and wanted, not to be lazy, no one wants a lazy person who is good for nothing in life. I am ashamed of being bored because I am letting them down, I am someone to be denied because they cant be proud of me and tell their friends how brilliant their child is. I am a loser compared to the others in my family and being bored is making me feel like that loser they think I am, I am guilty, I have great feelings of guilt about being lazy and doing nothing in life as I look for things to do as I slip back into what they expect of me. They cant accept me doing nothing, I cant accept me doing nothing and being bored. In the back of my mind is mum and dad putting the guilt on me as they impress upon me what they expect of me and I am not living up to that and I feel bad and guilty and not as good as my brothers and sister. They can be proud of them and talk about them but me, I have let the side down, I am swept under the carpet because I am an embarrassment to them because I do nothing but feel my feelings which is more than they will ever do and the greatest thing in all the world but they will never see that.
Doing nothing is not acceptable to them so I cant accept it either. I think I have to please them and keep busy so they can love me. I am unlovable if I am Nothing and bored so my mind is looking to keep busy to please them. My mind is them and their words and their looks as I displease them, I am being them to myself. I am telling myself that it is not ok to be bored, I am being them.
Now I am stuck again. Help me Please Mother and Father, please hear me and help me understand more, I want to know. Why am I stuck again, I long to know the truth please, please help me.
Being boring is not being interesting, no one wants me so I feel I have to impress everyone all the time, Impress mum and dad so the praise me, which makes me feel good and loved by them but that is only for them to feel good about themselves, it has nothing to do with me really. Being boring and bored isn't what they want to hear from me, they don't know what to do with me or what to say. I was only doing all I was doing so I could feel loved and that they were happy with me, then I felt wanted and loved by them. Now I have stopped I feel the opposite, they don't understand me and what has happened to me, why am I being like this, they don't like it at all. They cant accept me unconditionally, they have so many conditions to their love. It all has to be their way or no way. They did not truly love me, I was just there to make them feel good and now that has stopped, the truth has been shown to me, there is no real love as I am not being how they want me to be.
They can t accept me being bored and uninteresting, they say to me they don't understand what is happening because I can do so much, I am so creative and can turn my hand to most things, I have been such a success, they want me to be that again, not this, anything but this. But all they believe was so good about me and so successful was all for them to love me, it wasn't me, it was them and living up to their expectations of how I had to be so they could love me. None of it was real, none of it was me. This is real, I am bored, I a boring, I am uninteresting when all I do to be loved is taken away, there is nothing left just emptiness and boredom and I am stuck in that place.
That is all I can write about it at the moment I don't feel acceptance coming yet, there is no love of the boredom for me yet. I still have more to feel.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 2, 2018 0:25:14 GMT 10
My daughter rang me from her new job today, she said a guy at work had made a comment about her being shy with customers and how did she ever expect to work with people if she was shy. She called me to tell me all about how she felt and that she had a good cry about it at lunch time and she felt so much better and able to cope with him, stronger.
I was very glad that she felt she could tell me about it and get it all out and then feel able to carry on the rest of her day feeling stronger for it, by the end of our call she was fine and laughing. As the day has gone on I have felt very uneasy about it, about how this man had treated her, I was very angry inside feeling how dare he talk to her like that only being 5 days into the job and she does find it hard to speak to people. I hated him and was calling him all of the cunts under the sun, really going for it, raging at the unjust way he treated her then I began to get memories that I had long forgotten about myself and how I had once done the same to another member of staff when I was in Hairdressing. I had been just like him, belittling a new member of staff, a junior. Oh my God, that guy is me, I am the cunt.
I also have been spoken to like this, many times, I received it from my parents and teachers making me feel small and pathetic so I went on to do it to others and it comes with a need for power so I wold make someone else feel small and pathetic just as I had felt. If it hadn't been done to me then I wouldn't have done it to others, shit I have been awful and now, right now as I write this I feel the shame and remorse of my actions to another human being who must have felt crushed by my words, what a shit. They must have felt how Faye is feeling, unworthy, pathetic, stupid, slow, no good, a pain to have around, like they will never get it or be any good as I crushed them with my desperate need for power, so I lorded it over them, what a total shit.
I cant remember doing it to often but I have hurt powerless people making them feel even worse just so I could gain some sort of power and feel big and powerful, yuk, I feel fucking horrible. I feel pathetic, like a real coward picking on a powerless person, there are two people I can remember doing it to but I have most probably done it loads of times trying to assert my power over people but two occasions really stick out after that hone call. It was a little reminder of how I have been and also to know why I did it, because I was made to feel like a pathetic weak person as I was lorded over by my parents and teachers because I was shy at times, or nervous or introvert.
I am shocked by this revelation, I was like Faye a lot of the time when out of my comfort zone and with people I didn't know but a couple of times there I tried to over power those I thought weaker than me, that was my chance to be powerful and see how it felt, EVIL. Oh my god more times are coming to me now, one occasion a man with brain damage called up the salon and I thought he was drunk and gave him a mouthful and his wife called back to apologise for him but it was me who should have apologised for my behaviour, I feel awful, like dying inside with shame and sadness for that poor man. As I ask God for help more instances are coming to light for me, I feel despicable, crushed at how I was to those poor people all because it made me feel big, powerful, oh my god I am so sorry, so so sorry.
I am that guy at Faye's work, I am worse, I am a monster when I feel about this, it is awful, I feel so full of repentance and I am so sorry from my heart at the pain I have caused those people as I am being reminded of them and now it is as clear as day, like I am reliving the instances that I haven't thought about for so long and now here they are.
To do that to someone, it takes a very powerless person. That was me. A horrible, powerless, cowardly person that needed to hurt another to feel powerful, its truly disgusting and I am so sorry.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 2, 2018 4:43:34 GMT 10
Since writing the above I have been feeling bad about using the word "cunt". I feel like I will be hated, like people will read it and think I am a bad person, a slut, some really rough woman who uses that sinful word. Mum and dad are constantly in the back of my mind being shocked and telling me not to use that word, people will hate me, its just to shocking a word for a woman to use. When I imagine using it in front of them it is to much for me, I just couldn't do it, it would be so shocking and they would tell me off and be so disappointed with me and my dirty mouth.
I am worried what people reading it will think of me, I almost want to delete it but it is the word I used when I was ranting about that man. Using it is a part of my healing, it brings u all of these feelings when I use it, like I am really bad and I have said a forbidden word and mum and dad gasp in disbelief at what I have just said and want to scream and shout at me and punish me for being so foul mouthed. I am a disappointment to them, I always let them down and shock them, they are scared at what I will do or say next, what will people think of them having such an unruly child.
I cant say it mum and dad will not like it, that is always in me, doing what they want me to do so I can be a child they can be proud of so that expectation made me a liar, I had to do all I wanted to do behind their backs because of what they would think of me if they knew the truth. The things I wanted to do I had to do in secret and risk getting caught. They wouldn't have liked any of it. I had to keep myself a secret.
Now everyone is being my parents to me, all your judgements of me are theirs. All my judgments of me are theirs, they are constantly with me, judging me and telling me off for doing what I want to do. I say the word "cunt" and they are their telling me of, to shut up, to go to my room, both shouting "SAM !!!!!!" in shock and disbelief at using that word. I cant even write it without feeling bad, I cant give it a capital C because it makes it more visible to everyone and all I can feel is judgment. No body might give a dam about it but in me, everyone is coming down on me for saying it and hating me and thinking I am trash.
Yes, that is it, my parents thought I was TRASH and led a trashy life, they were embarrassed by me and all I did, they wanted to sweep me under the carpet and as I said that I saw me as a baby and them being disappointed with me as I was an ugly baby with orange hair and my eyes were a bit crossed. I have said to mum I was an ugly child and she denied it, of course she did, she couldn't really say "Yeah Sam, you were ugly" but I know how she really felt, and dad, they were a bit shocked at how I looked and wished I was as pretty a child as my sister. I have never quite reached the mark in their eyes and I have always felt that and tried to say it is rubbish but it is not, its the truth of how they felt because I feel it about myself, from them. I felt their disappointment with me right from the word go and I didn't fail to deliver through out my life.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 3, 2018 9:11:59 GMT 10
01/10/2018
Dream
I was just leaving my hotel room in a foreign country where i had been staying as the cleaning ladies came in to clean the room. As I was leaving I opened up my bag to check my passport and saw that it had gone as well as my phone purse, money, keys and my debit cards, everything I needed, gone. I was filled with dread, terror and panic at what I was going to do. I couldnt get home without these things and I had told the others I was with to go ahead without me and I would catch them up. I wouldn't now with all of my stuff gone, I could not go home.
I saw a taxi outside and asked a white haired bearded man to drive me to the British Embassy where they could help me get home and I would get them to pay him, after I told him of my perdicament. He agreed to take me but as we drove I noticed he turned into a old dusty hill side village and pulled into a dead end, he locked the doors and I was filled with fear as I knew what he wanted and he said if I wanted him to carry on and get me to the Embassy I would have to have sex with him and with that he leant over me to begin to try to get my top off but I fought him and screamed so loud he backed of and said "alright, alright just go" and he opened the doors and I ran out falling over in the dust and I was covered in it, I was such a mess.
I ran into the village and it was Market day and all of the locals were out doing there shopping, it was mixed with locals and tourist and some of them british and in my panic I was approaching random people asking them if they were English, "Do you speak English, please, do you speak English, I need help, please help me" and the people I was approaching looked scared of me, shaking their heads and saying "No, no, no" and pushing me away, even the British tourists I approached and I asked if they could help me with some money as I had nothing, they gave me looks as if I was a terrible person and dangerous as they pulled their children to them and out of my way, like I was going to hurt them. I just wanted help to get back home, wasnt their one kind person who would take pity on me and help me. All I could remember thinking was that I want my dad, he will save me but I couldnt get to him, I had no money and no one to help me. No one had any compassion for me and no one wanted to hear my story and why I was so frantic for them to help me, no one wanted to know.
I wanted to go home so badly, I was dying inside with the pain of not seeing my home or my parents again, never being able to go home back to safety. I was now left in a country where I didnt speak the language so no one understood me, no one knew me, I had no money and no where to go to, no where to live or call home. I was completely alone.
I had to sleep outside, go toilet outside and hide myself at night for my own safety, I was terrified and spent the next few days asking the market holders if I could get some work with them but they all shooed me away as I couldn't speak the language and I was being a nuisance to them when they were so busy, to busy to deal with me, someone they didn't understand. I couldn't get any work anywhere, christ, it all felt so scary and lonely but I had to do something to get some money together to get home and I was stuck in a village where no one knew where I was, I could have been dead.
In my dream I was covered in dust and looking really dirty and bedraggled, really impoverished which is how I have been feeling inside just lately and I can remember just giving up on anyone wanting to give me any help or work, it was all useless so I began to walk back to my shelter I had made when i walked past a small cafe type of place, it was a place that was carved into the rock face and the entrance had all been rounded off with the tools they used to chisel the room out of the rock, I could see the tool marks in the rock. It was all white inside with a few old tables and chairs and a bar with some women working away behind it, they looked like Nunns but when I asked a passer by who they were, he told me they were Holy Women of their own order, no one knew much about them so I went in. I can remember not knowing what to say to them so I just came out with it, " I need work, I need to earn some money so I can get back home, I dont belong here" The Holy woman looked at me with a kind face and told me she would love to have me help them, I can start right away If I want to. I was so happy and I asked her how much is the pay and she told me "there is no pay here", none of them got paid. She smiled at me and told me that I was welcome but she wanted met to go and think about it, whether I was willing to help them for nothing and be safe and live a life as they do, or go and get a job in the market and have no real safety, she told me those people in the Market would pay me a little but that is it, no safety, no place to live, I would just be 'paid help'. She left the decision to me. I walked out to think about what she had said, she gave me a decision to make, one I had never had before. My first thought was, I cant work for nothing, I need money to be safe but she was also offering me safety, what do i do. Do I trust her, can I trust her, I didnt know what to do , I was scared again and that is where I woke up with that decision from the Holy woman and it is the decision I have to make in my life right now.
I find the dream amazing, the Holy Woman was showing me the way I want to go but am so scared of trusting it. In my dream I could feel a kind of freedom in what she was offering and I knew I would never be going back home again if I chose them and if I chose to work in the Market I would save enough money eventually to go home and carry on with my normal life. What she was showing me is what I want, and without money there is freedom from the trappings of the life I have now, I can see how free that would feel and it wouldnt be the awful, dreadded thing I have built it up to be. Loosing my phone, money, keys, bank card, passport is losing all that keeps me trapped in life, all my addictions and the Holy woman showed me that the other way is ok, I wont die but live a different way with a beautiful feeling of freedom, I like that.
The dream was real to me as so many of my dreams are, they helpp me when I am asleep and put me right into my fears and when I wake up I remember them as if I was actually there. The Holy woman told me I will find freedom when I give up the false freedom I believe these things give me in my life. They all keep me trapped in that material life and the real freedom comes when i heal all of my false beliefs about how they keep me safe, I am not safe with them but trapped by them. I can see the freedom she is talking about but I am scared to trust it, giving it all up, I am scared so I have a lot to feel about.
The Woman has left me with a wonderful feeling of peace yet I still am scared to trust it, they were all living it and she was proving to me it works but I have such a fear that for me, it wont work, it never works for me, I cant trust it but I so want to. It was the same with mum and dad I so wanted to trust them but I couldnt, it is like taking a real leap into the unknown, losing all control like the Holy woman had done. She felt so real, there were a lot of them all dressed in cream coloured simple cloths, like they almost blended in with the walls and went un-noticed by everyone, amazing. I feel quite a reassurance from this dream, it was real.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 3, 2018 17:01:53 GMT 10
I have woke up this morning feeling very scared. My stomach is knotted up and I feel sick because of the dream I had the other night, it is still with me. I want to trust the Holy Woman so much and I feel it is the only way for me to go but it is so scary, I will be doing it alone without any safety net and I have been in conversation with Mary and Jesus asking them to be with me, bring to me their Spirits of Truth to help me feel my way through my feelings, I need them with me, to hold me as I go through this. I am so scared as I have no Man by my side to support me as I go through it. I have Trevor but he is on his own journey, there are similarities but he is still following his minds dominance. I wish I had the support that I need but it isn't for me to have right now, it has to be how it was for me as a child and that is how it is now, no one understands why or what I am doing. They all think the money I was left when Harry died, I should have set up a business with it , something that would carry me on into my old age and support me but the way I saw that money was that it is there for me to use to live on so I could be at home and do nothing but heal myself, it has been the biggest support Harry has ever given me. It has enabled me to do my healing without having to go out and be distracted by working but it is running out now and I am shit scared and like my dream said, I can either go back to the working world of materialism or let the money run out and lose it all, have nothing like the Holy Women and trust where I go from there and that is my fear.
I have had job interviews and it all felt so wrong and I have been turned down for them all, even cleaning toilets I have been turned down for. I have only gone for them because I am scared of being without all of my comforts like in the dream, losing everything and being on the streets. Who wouldn't be scared of that!! This is a real lesson in trust and Trevor says to me "Haven't you always been alright" and that is fine to say but it doesn't help at all, it is more denial, he is asking me to deny how I feel like my parents would do, just say something crap like that which leaves me feeling so unloved and with no one wanting to hear about my fears when I so desperately want to talk about them, get them out of me because I feel so alone with them. He doesn't want to hear, he doesn't know what to do with me just like my parents.
I wish there was a group of Holy Women I could join like the ones in my dream, I would be there in a flash, that is what I want a band of Holy Women of their own order like in my dream who have given up the trappings of the world to live a life of feeling Healing, that is how I want to live, in a Sisterhood of Feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 4, 2018 17:17:42 GMT 10
Ever morning I wake up with the feeling of having flu. I feel so ill and weak and I have so many pains. I move around like an old woman until my body gets used to the day. I feel really ill and sick in my stomach too. Its the beginning of another pointless day doing the same shit as all the other days, sitting on my couch writing about how I am feelings or shouting at God for being such a crap parent to me.
I feel so stiff in my back and it really hurts. My mouth tastes disgusting, vile every morning like iron and it makes me feel sick. I am putrid inside. I cant bare another day of this boredom and as I say that I remember feeling the same every day getting up and having to go to school, the same thing every day, much the same as it is now but instead of going to school I am going to boredom but the dread id just the same, doing something you don't want to do. I sit here having just woke up feeling the hopelessness of it all and I felt that on my way to school, hopeless because I had no choice, I had to go, I was to scared not to. I cant bunk off from this though, there is no where to go now but to feel it.
Such monotony, what's the point in another useless day. I wont be doing anything but sitting on my couch, the same position I sit in every day, there is even an indentation and a look of being worn, where I sit on the couch because that is where I stay most of the day. I am so fucking bored and I feel stuck in not being able to do anything, so restricted and as I said that I felt like a child only being able to do what was ok with mum and dad and now as an adult I cant break out of those parameters they set for me. I am so bored, so bored, my body is bored and seizing up in its boredom as it doesn't want to do another day of this.
I can feel my mind creeping in with motoring on of ahead wanting to plan stuff to do, Mmmmm what could I do today, just like mum used to say to us, planning it all, but when I return to my feelings all I want to do is stay like this, in my boredom and stop denying it, stop trying to get rid of it like mum would try to do with us. I can feel a lot of frustration and anger deep down, there is a voice in me that sounds like it is miles away screaming out in rage at being so fed up and bored. So unsatisfied, so unloved just wanting to be kept quiet. That is what mum did, she tried to keep us quiet with things, food anything so we wouldn't bother her with our boredom because she didn't know what to do with us either.
Bored, so bored so alone and fed up with just myself and no one to have fun with. Its just me in this house and no one knows I exist as I look out the window, shut up in my little box. I want a play mate, someone I can do my healing with and then I can tell them all of this and wont have to bore the arse of you lot with my writing. I want someone interested in me enough to listen and for me to listen to them. Trevor tries but he cant just be there for me to listen to me, he has to try to fix me like my parents did. He completely takes over and stops me speaking any further. he shuts me down by telling me how it is and what I should do and I want to smash his face in, shit the rage when I am shut down, the deep pain it gives me and everything in me wants to retract inwards and hide and never speak again.
I know what the day has in store for me, more of the same as every day, Boredom and nothingness, feeling like the nothing person I am when I am not doing something to stop me feeling bored. Everything I have done in my life is to avoid feeling this, like I am nothing. No one wants to know a boring person who does nothing all day long, that is not an interesting person that you want to know. Well I am that person, when I am stripped down of all the things I do to make my interesting and loved and wanted, I am a boring, uninteresting person who no one wants to be around, that is who I am and no one wants me like that. I am no longer doing things to make me feel wanted by others so I am left unwanted, thrown away in the rubbish. No one knows what to do with me now except for suggesting things for me to do like I am six years old or something, they want to take me away from my feelings, they want me to deny them and not heal. Fuck them, fuck mum , fuck dad and fuck trevor trying to ruin it all for me and make me like them. No, I want to be taken down by this feeling, I want it to consume me to truly feel it all. I am NOTHING when I am not doing what they want me to do, I am NOTHING when I am not them, I am NOTHING without all of my addictions and I am going to sit her today in my full nothingness which is all I am left with when I let all of that other stuff go. I am unwanted by everyone when I am accepting my feelings, my boredom. When I am fully in the truth of my feelings I am unwanted. Truth is unwanted, unloved. I am unwanted, unloved.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 4, 2018 17:30:04 GMT 10
I can now see why I feel so ill when I wake up every morning, its because I feel so unloved and unwanted being myself. Another day of feeling my feelings and not being like the rest of the world is another day of being rejected by the world and it is painful. If I was to get back into life and merrily do what everyone else is doing to deny their pain I would be ok, liked, have friends, go out, do what everyone else does to stay happy, skipping along life in my sleepy denial of my true pain, I would have things to look forward to, plans to make and all that stuff but I have chosen the opposite, to feel the truth when I stop doing all of that denial stuff and it hurts, the real pain I have been covering, really hurts, it is agonising and every morning I wake up to more of it as the truth of myself comes to light. Now I am not contributing to that world of denial I am not wanted by anyone and I have no one to share it with, no one gets why I am doing it to myself, they think I am mad, have had a breakdown but to me, the way I was living is the madness that we all believe is the true and the right way to live. Now I have to feel the pain of being so excluded from life when I reverse it all and do the huge U Turn that is my healing and being true to my feelings hurts, denial is the easy road and I wont take the easy road.
Denial can take the pain away, cover it over but the truth cant, the truth slaps you fully in the face like walking into a brick wall.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 6, 2018 6:50:37 GMT 10
I am such a fucking two faced coward. So scared to tell people what I think of them when they annoy me and today it all got showed to me.
My neighbour runs a beauty business from her home and her customers park outside everyone houses in the street and no one can park outside their own house, it gets a bit annoying when you go out and get back and cant park. The lady from up the street went round to her and had a go, she was raising her voice and it scared me so much although I was glad too, glad that she had said what I could only moan about to Trevor or Faye but not to my neighbours face, I couldn't just go round there and have it out with her like that woman did, I've got no balls at all, such a fucking coward.
Later on I heard my back gate open and close and it was my neighbour, she came to ask me if her customers parking was getting on my nerves. Shit this was it, I had my chance to tell her how it made me feel and I did, at last I got it all out of me and I told her that it really did piss me off when I got back from somewhere and my parking space was gone. I couldn't stop and it all came flowing out of me how angry I had felt but never said anything to her about it. She asked me why didn't I tell her and I said because I was to scared to, I didn't want the confrontation, I didn't want to upset her so I would put up with being upset myself and angry at being so disregarded by her.
As we went on talking I felt so silly, like a little child being spoken to by my mum about not speaking up when things upset me, she would always do that, say "Why didn't you tell mummy, you can tell me" but I couldn't tell her anything, I was scared of them both getting cross with me or telling me I was being silly, or me upsetting them with how I felt, I just couldn't do it and it was the same with my neighbour, she was my mum and I just couldn't tell her how much she was annoying me and how angry I felt at her for not thinking about me at all. The whole situation has brought up so many unloving feelings in me and how I couldn't tell mum and dad when I was pissed of with them, no way could I do it without them being angry at me for showing anger at them. The confrontation scared me and it still does but as I told my neighbour how I felt, it began to feel not so scary, she didn't get angry with me and apologised for being inconsiderate and would make sure her clients park out on the main road.
How do I feel now?
I feel silly, stupid, like a little girl who has been told by her mum that she is silly for not telling her how she feels, yet she cant. I cant tell my parents how I feel, I never could. I have had to repress and deny most of my feelings from them and keep them all in. Just as I had to do with my neighbour. They wouldn't have accepted me telling them that they are pissing me off and because I had to hold back so much, I now do that with others although as I am expressing more of my feelings I am becoming truer with others. If, as a child, I ever talked back or stuck up for myself I would have been in trouble and dad scared me so much, I could feel him, his anger, just a look scared me and that fear I project on everyone, everyone is my dad being angry at me if I confront him in any way. It has made me a coward as I cower from him and his anger.
People scare me, really scare me because dad scared me, I am afraid to stand up for myself because I couldn't with my parents, they made me into a weak trembling person who lets everyone walk all over her.
Mum and dad told me I could tell them stuff and were sad that I never did but if I felt I could I would have, the truth is I couldn't, they didn't have a clue what to do with me, I didn't trust them not to make me feel silly and stupid about my feelings, as I am feeling now with my neighbour. They made me feel like my feelings weren't anything to take seriously, that I was being to sensitive and should think of something else, go and do something to make me feel better. They never took me seriously so I felt my feelings were just me being silly and they would think that and make me feel like that if I told them. That is how my neighbour made me feel today, like I was being silly.
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