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Post by samantha9 on Aug 11, 2017 20:25:54 GMT 10
A lady knocked on my door this morning to pick up something I was getting rid of and she wanted it but she said she would be around at 2.30pm. Shit, the house was a mess, their was piles of ironing in the lounge waiting for me to put them away, just a general untidiness that I would have cleared up had she stuck to her time of 2.30pm, it would have all been perfect but she has caught me out. I showed her into the lounge where this item was and I could have died with embarrassment and humiliation as she entered and I felt her instantly, judging me so I began my usual apologising for the mess I am in the middle of ironing and all of that crap that just came pouring out of me pleading for her not to judge me or think bad of me. I was so ashamed of myself. Inside I was blaming God for tricking me, catching me out by making this woman come at this time knowing I would be triggered to feel all of these feelings, God is making this happen, they want me to feel all of these things and it is bloody working.
I felt very ashamed and embarrassed, what must she have thought of me, a tramp, a filthy slut, a dirty cow, lazy disgusting skanky bitch and on and on and on..... She was seeing the truth of me,, it was being forced upon me to feel. If she had come when she had said she wouldn't have seen the truth of me, a mess. She would have seen the tidy, neat me the me that I want every on to believe is true, I am neat and tidy and keep a good house, bullshit. I am none of those things and it has been shown to me today.
She left and I curled up and died inside, cringing at the truth she had seen and now I was really feeling it. I have spent my life tidying up, cleaning, being the good house wife but the truth is I hate it, I hate being that, I hate doing it all and I am exhausted with keeping up the pretence and today the truth was shown to me through my feelings when this woman caught me off guard, in my truth. Now I have all these feelings to feel, I am in shock, shocked about how I really am and how much I have denied that truth and anyone ever finding out the truth as she did today, she knows the truth and I feel awful at her projecting judgments, just what I have strived not to feel all my life. Now it has come up for me to feel, my soul has orchestrated this for me to feel today. I feel like God has planned for this woman to not let me know she was coming early so I could feel all of this, I feel caught out, like I am not in control of anything in my life, it is all happening for me, by God.
I am cringing inside but also full of amazement at the healing opportunity that I have been given today. I have worked so hard all of my life to not feel the truth of how messy and out of control I really am and not letting anyone know this truth about me but the truth is out, I don't want to do any of it, I hate doing all of it, I only do it so that I am still loved, accepted and thought well of by others but the truth is I fucking hate it all and today I felt those feelings from that lady, the feelings I wanted to avoid feeling, her projections hit me hard.
Now I will see how I feel as it all mounts up around me and let my family throw their jibes at me, feel the projections of my daughters friends as they come in and see the state. I am feeling the anxiety of that already, I want to clean up so I don't have to feel bad, but I want to feel bad more, so I will leave it all and see how it goes and just feel my way through it. There is such an unbelievable pull in me to clean up, it is unbearably strong. I am in this duality of feelings which is so confusing but I want to feel all of the bad feelings that come up in me, such a strong compulsion to tidy up.
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Post by James on Aug 11, 2017 21:11:22 GMT 10
Yeah, I sure can relate to that, just how much we do to keep up the appearances so we won’t be judged harshly and punished. Marion has suffered about it a lot, but now she doesn’t care. We have a good level of dust that seems very happy to live with us, we just do the basics of what needs to be done. We hate it all too, and it’s been great to give it up and wait until we feel we want to do it, or have to do it, we’re still not at the stage of completely allowing the filth to swamp us. And it only gets harder the older we get, but that too is good as it helps us give it up and see what we feel about it. So yes Sam, perfect for you with that woman coming early catching you out like that. And good on you for going with it, just letting it all come out so you could hear yourself saying it all. Isn’t it always such a shock when it just comes pouring out of your mouth, however it’s also good knowing your feelings are stronger than your mind with it being unable to keep you under such harsh control, so you open your mouth and out it pours.
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Post by samantha9 on Aug 16, 2017 18:16:03 GMT 10
MY DREAM - I have began to truly see the prison cell I have created for myself because of the pain I have caused to others and then of course to myself, anything I do to hurt another will always hurt me. My dream was very symbolic and hit home as to the things I have done in my life and how I had denied the pain I felt from my actions, I can never escape from the compensation of my wrong doings, I may feel I have got away with it but I will always be in pain on some level, there is no getting away with anything, it all has to be felt to heal it.
My dream began where I went into town and I began collecting piles of bricks and sand from anywhere I could find them in town. I began to build a set of stairs with the bricks and sand thinking it would help people. I mixed the sand with water and built a good set of stairs. I stood back and admired my work being pleased with what I had done until people started using them and they were crumbling. The stairs I had built on sand instead of concrete were no good and actually hurting people as they lost their footing when they stepped on the steps, the bricks just gave way. One old lady fell badly and hurt her hip, I was horrified at the pain I have caused as I helped this old lady up she could hardly walk so I stayed with her on the bus to her home which was far away, a place I didn't know. We got into her house and I asked her when the bus was as I needed to go back home, she said there wasn't another one until tomorrow. I felt so scared inside as I didn't know what to do and I had no money with me to get home. I told her this and her grand daughter told me there was a train and she gave me a tenner to get home. On the journey home I sat there thinking about what I had done, shit I had caused a lot of pain with all of those people hurting themselves as the stairs I built on the sand collapsed from under them. What was going to happen to me, I was in trouble for sure, I was so shit scared about what was waiting for me.
All I wanted to do was get off the train and put it all right again, fix the mess I had caused. So I got of at my station and went straight to the steps, it was late at night now and as I approached them I could see they had been cordoned off for safety. I looked at the pile of mess it looked like a huge mud slide. All I could do is brick by brick deconstruct the mess, one brick at a time and return them to where I took them from. As I begun my deconstruction people begun to help me, they were taking bricks and shovelling sand and I felt I wasn't alone in my correcting the mess I had created, I had help, I felt so good at not being alone with this huge job and none of them judged me or condemn me for what I had done. Once every brick and all the sand had been returned and I had made good the mess I had created. That's where It ended.
The dream has revealed to me so much about different aspects of my healing and the Cell I have created for myself through my actions and the pain I have caused to others and also the help I have received and am still receiving from spirit. I have felt every bit of that pain myself and am healing it all through my feelings. The sand I built the stairs on is the instability of living a lie, a life without truth having no solid foundations that truth gives me and all of those lies, the whole façade that my life has been is now crumbling away and being deconstructed through my healing, my whole life has to be ripped apart so I can see the lies, pain and evilness that living the untruth is, awakening to it all and seeing and feeling the pain that living this way causes myself and others.
The feeling throughout this dream was one of being alone in it all until the end where I was being helped to deconstruct my mess, when I made a choice to do that and to feel it all, I had help. All of my evilness had built a cell of pain around me that followed me every where even though I was free to do as I pleased, I was not free. This is the Hellish condition of my soul, the truth of it being shown to me by how I feel and what I am attracting. I was constantly surrounded and attracting the pain of what I had done in my life to others and myself and had a constant bad feeling that hung heavy upon me. In my dream, when I was sitting on that train going back, I could feel a crushing that I couldn't escape from until I had put right and compensated for all of my wrong doing. I just wanted to get back to the steps and begin work on their deconstruction as quick as I could, to make it right again and stop hurting people with my choices and words and actions. The feeling was truly awful, a feeling I have felt when I have done wrong but tried to deny it, shrug it off, it never works, it just hangs on me like heavy chains.
There is so much more coming up for me in this dream and I will continue with it for as long as the feelings come to me as I know there is a lot of healing for me in it but what I have felt so strongly is that I can now actually see the cell that I have lived in and carried around with me all my life and the beginnings of it created by my parents as they built the foundations for my life upon their beliefs, lies, weaknesses and fears, this was the sand they poured into me in my forming years as a foundation for life and it is very weak and very unstable and just ends up collapsing. This has been a very powerful dream to show me the truth and I thank God for the help I am receiving, in the way I can understand it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 26, 2017 18:29:53 GMT 10
Today I just feel awful, so bad. I woke up and knew, this is going to get bad for me. More of my emotional gunk is coming up as I express it, it is having such a physical effect on me. My legs have a constant aching all over them, my hips feel like they have needles in them when I move and I have an over all feeling of Flu, I feel just awful as this deep emotional pain is on the move through all of my subtle levels and I knew this is going to be bad for me and all I can do is not to resist it, let it all do what it wants to do with me and I will submit to it, let it have its say.
I feel so weak like I could just collapse and my throat is raw like I need to keep clearing my throat but it doesn't work. I am so clogged up, blocked up, I feel awful. So many feelings have been coming up, so much realisation of how 'Nothing' I am, how weak and powerless I am and now I am getting the physical manifestations of those emotions that have been making there way up as I long for the truth.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 15, 2017 19:23:55 GMT 10
Cough, Cough, Cough it is relentless day and night, I am so fucked of with it. I don't feel ill any more but I am just coughing and it brings with it an ANGER that I am just connecting to. Every night, as soon as I open my eyes from sleep I just wait for it to come, the dry cough and once I cough once that is it, it begins until I get up and am totally interfered with so I cant get back to sleep and all I do is cough until it loosens up.
I cant be without my water because I end up reaching and turning bright red and hot with the force of the relentless cough, it really has me and I hate it. I feel so angry at myself for having it, I hate myself for having such an annoying cough, I want to hit and punch myself with the anger I feel inside with myself. STOP, STOP, STOP bloody coughing you idiot are the words that I say to myself and as I write that the memory of dad saying the same to me as I continuously coughed as a child, he hated it if I coughed or sniffed, "Blow your bloody nose Sam" he would shout, but I couldn't. I realise I am being as unloving to myself, as angry at myself, and I want to hit myself because that is how dad felt about me, I was such a pain and my coughing brought up the same anger in him because I was disturbing him the same way the cough is disturbing me and I was so angry at myself for disturbing him and waking up the whole house with this cough.
Why wont this stop? Why me? Why do I have to be the annoying one? I was in pain myself with this cough but I had to worry about the feelings of my dad and how angry I made him rather than my own pain, I hated myself for making him so angry.
I feel so pathetic the way I get on everyone's nerves, the weak one who is always ill, the weak pathetic sickly child and my mum had the cheek to say that when she reminisces, that I was never ill, I went to school even when I was ill, 'WHAT' where did she get that shit from, I was never at school, doesn't she remember writing sick letters to the school constantly because of me having time off. She didn't even remember how ill I was as a child and no wonder I was so ill with that kind of denial from my own mother not even acknowledging I was not a well child. Every single school report stated the fact that my attendance was very poor and she just doesn't remember.
I hated school and I didn't want to go but I, like all of us, was sent against my will until I just couldn't stomach doing a full week at school, I felt it was wrong and my whole being reflected that fact at a very young age I connected the way I felt with forcing myself to do something against my will, I would get instantly ill and I knew why but no one would take me seriously so I just had to get on with it and deny myself. My parents re-enforced this denial of my feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 20, 2017 1:24:52 GMT 10
I just went out to get in the car and post something at the local post office, as I got in a young girl was coming home from school with her mum who was pushing a baby. The young girl was sobbing, in real distress and her cries touched me in such a painful way, right in that moment. I sat in the car listening to her cries and instantly wanted to cry myself as the image shot into my mind of when that very same thing happened to me as a young girl, it is so incredible how when triggered I am sent right to the time and place and the visual comes.
I had been to the dentist and had 5 teeth taken out under anaesthetic and all I remembered was coming round in the recovery room and I was crying. I had to walk all the way home with mum and I didn't stop crying with the shock of what had just happened to me, I was in complete shock. All the way home I was dragging myself home and mum was walking in front, Christ I just want to cry as I feel it all. I wasn't held or helped in any way, I was a pain making a row and mum just wanted to get home but I wanted help, I wanted to be held and needed her to explain to me what had just happened to me, I didn't understand. Where was the love and compassion, where was the supportive loving parent holding me up and cuddling me, that is what I wanted, that is what this little girl wanted from her mum.
I feel so sad for myself, so desperately sad for the unloving way I was treated. God I felt so alone with my pain, I have always felt so alone with it never being able to express it out of me because I was a Pain. I am feeling more and more devastated, I just want to hold myself and be the parent I never had to myself as I feel the grief of being so rejected.
That little girl I just saw felt the same and all her mum had to do was stop pushing the pram and hold her daughter (ME). That's all she wanted, to be loved and her pain taken seriously like she mattered. She will grow up never feeling her pain is worthy of any attention, she will push it all away because that is what her mum has just done as she walked past me. Shit I want to go back and hold her and tell her I want to listen to her pain, I want to know all about it as I want to know about my own now. I cant interfere though, all I can do is express my own pain and love myself as my mum didn't by accepting how this has hurt me and express it all. My beliefs about my mum have all been so wrong and God is showing me this more every day, showing me the truth I need to see and it is so painful. I cant believe the speed that it has all come to me today, as soon as I heard this little girl cry the vision came to me of where I was, when and how I felt, all I wanted was to be held by mum and for her to hear me instead of walking five paces ahead of me and looking behind at me dragging myself home behind her in floods of anesthetised tears, drowsy and in confusion and shock. What the fuck was she thinking.
I am so hurt, the same hurt that I denied myself feeling fully back then when I was young, oh my fucking God I am so angry at her, I want to rage at her "What the fuck were you doing letting me suffer so much emotional pain at you not being there for me, where were you? I needed You!!!!!!!). I am feeling so sad inside for myself, I cant believe how bad I am feeling right now and the fact I had my five teeth pulled is not the pain, it is the rejection of me, the dismissal of how I was feeling, how she made me feel like I was such a pain and being to loud with all of my crying, she was worried about others hearing me and embarrassing her, I didn't come anywhere in her priorities just like this little girl who just walked passed me, that was me, every part of it was me and mum all laid bare for me to see, all reconstructed for me like an old crime scene re-enactment. Unbelievable how it works, so amazing to have took me back there it the exact time and place and how I felt and I don't think I have given it much thought in years.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 6, 2017 19:48:48 GMT 10
I have noticed that as I am longing to God to show me the truth of my feelings I am no longer able to control my addictions as I once did. This has been very painful for me as everything I do to avoid feeling my pain, all of my addictions, have been strengthened. I cant do anything about them, I cant stop them and if anything they are even stronger. I don't feel I am explaining this very well and I am feeling frustrated about that and this is one of my addictions, to be understood. The more I try to be understood the more I cant find the words or my mind goes blanc and it is so infuriating. God is ramping up all that I am trying to control making it all uncontrollable, it is driving me crazy, I cant do anything about it and God is ramping up all that I try to control and it is freaking me out.
My Son came over the other day and he was cooking something and I was constantly interfering, controlling and this has got worse with me and I feel insane with it all. I apologised to him for being a control freak but I cant stop it, it is even worse now and it is God showing me what I am like and letting me really see it at its worst and I am truly awful. I didn't think I was like this, this was such a shock and I sat down with my son and told him I felt out of control as my controlling ways are being pointed out to me and highlighted for me to see the truth of how I am. It is like God is in control of me making me do these things and I am saying to myself with my mind, don't do it Sam, try to resist but that is all my minds control and God is taking over and it feels like God is making me do it all when I told myself not to, shit what is happening to me, what am I doing. I am asking for help to see the truth and God is really bringing it, "This is the truth of what you are like Sam, this is what you don't want to see but you are like this". I am feeling so set back, like I am starting over again and I have made no progress as God is highlighting just how much my mind is still wanting control in such a compulsive way. I feel like there is no hope for me, I feel so hopeless and want to just lay on the floor like an old sack and give up.
Another one is Food, shit this is a killer one for me. I pray to God to help me with this, show me the truth of my being on a constant diet, controlling what I eat telling myself off for eating crap. I have been on a diet since I was young wanting to maintain the perfect weight and be acceptable, liked, wanted because I am slim but what the fuck is happening to me.
I ask God for help and what does God do! Now I am doing the opposite to what I have been doing and I cant control it, I am eating the shit that I have been telling myself not to eat all my life and I cant help myself, I am just doing it, going for the biscuits, the chocolate, crisps all the food I have held myself back from eating I now cant resist and it makes me feel awful. GOD IS MAKING ME EAT!!!!! I have put on weight and I am horrified I am becoming everything I didn't want to be and I am going through terror about putting on weight and being so unacceptable in society. All of my feelings are coming up and they are so awful and I am feeling the hate I feel for myself and every one else that is fat. The truth is coming as I feel the truth. I have had to be it, this is what God is telling me and showing me and making me be. I want their help and I am getting it by them helping me to be what I have tried so hard not to be all my life. GOD IS MAKING ME BE IT BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL THE TRUTH OF WHAT IS INSIDE ME. I have to be the truth to feel the truth of my denied feelings and I hate it, every bit of it.
God is working with me, doing what I have asked of them and I hate it, I am scared of it, I am terrified of it, the truth. As I long for the truth, I am getting it, being it. All of my ugliness, I am becoming and I feel so out of control and shocked that I have no control over it as I pray for the truth. It is like my mind cant do its usual thing which is amazing but so scary as the truth pushes through being stronger than my weakening mind.
As this happens I actually feel I am getting worse, being a worse person as the truth is shown to me of what I am like, truly. It is a shock and I am changing and I am scared as I know I have to get worse to get better because all of my denied truth is coming up and out of me and I have to be it, be true to it and it is happening and I am finding it hard to accept the big stuff because it wasn't acceptable by my parents when I was a child and I was taught that. Now I am being asked to accept all that is unacceptable to me, on some things I have felt the acceptance but on the bigger stuff, its tough and is going to take time to keep feeling the pain I feel with it all. I feel a lot of grief as I give up being a certain way with my mind, it is time now to give up and give in to my feelings because I want to heal. Everything is feeling like a disaster as I crumble and realise I cant hold on, something stronger than me is taking over, God is showing me the truth and the only way to feel that truth is to be it and I am shit scared.
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Post by James on Dec 9, 2017 19:29:20 GMT 10
Yeah, I sure relate to my addictions getting stronger. It’s so difficult dealing with them. I want to try can take over using my mind to control them - to stop them, only being addictions I can’t do that, because no sooner do I say no, I’m not going to do that anymore, and I want to do it! They are filling in my powerlessness, making me falsely feel loved and wanted, so trying to deny them makes me want them even more. So as Marion says, to give in and go with them expressing all the bad feelings along the way. However that’s all very well too, but I don’t want to grow so enormous that I explode from continually stuffing myself with food every second of the day, which is what I’d like to do. The other day I saw that although my fear, misery and anger have all but gone compared to how much I was always within them, and I’m feeling better more often than not, still, I still understand, that’s all within my depressed, repressed, unfeeling-expressive state. Overall, for bothMarion and myself, we feel bad, yet now so much better within our bad, yet still bad. So our compulsions and addictions are still all there, we’ve not been completely freed from them, which I guess might happen should we ever get to the end of our Healing. And I wonder: Do we gradually remove such addictions as we Heal, or do we have to Heal ourselves, as in see all the truth of them, before they then leave us? I still don’t know about this, I’m thinking it might be a bit of both. And I’m accepting more too that my outer addictions are one thing, like eating too much, but being addicted to my inner ones such as not being able to express myself patterns, they are far more harder to see and are far more in control of me. So these are the one’s I’m working on the most, all the painful things I do, like how I keep on saying yes and yeah to just about every word Marion says, which gives her the shits because it’s like I’m taking over and owning and making every word she says mine, not leaving her free to be herself. But I can’t help myself, I hear myself saying yep, yeah, yes, a ha, ever few seconds, and particularly when I’m not really concentrating on what she’s saying, it being a ploy I learnt to pretend to mum and dad that I was paying attention when really I wasn’t. They just needed an agreeing noice from me, even though I was off in my mind and they didn’t exist. So trying to become aware of that pattern, and then not do it, particularly when I’m unconsciously aware of it, is so hard. Yet as Marion says, all I can do is talk about it as much of it as I can, trying to feel why I say it, when she pulls me up on it, or then as I pull myself up on it, as I become more aware of it; and gradually the truth does come to light, and possibly one day I might stop doing it.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 18, 2017 23:21:37 GMT 10
I cant believe how bad I am and there is so much more that is yet to reveal itself about the depths of my feeling denial. It feels like it is impossible for it to ever end as more and more pain comes up in me. Shit I am feeling such a huge deflation in me as I give in to the feeling that I have no control over this and my feeling denial will come up for me to feel as I long for it and how long that may take is unknown, it just feels like it will be never ending as more of these little feelings, that may be insignificant to most, are the hugest feelings to uncover, they grow and grow into a huge and very important feeling experience for me. No feeling is insignificant, ever.
I wonder what is next, what feeling will reveal itself to me for healing, how much is there that is still waiting in the healing queue and as I visualise that I see a long back log of denied feelings drifting off into the distance as I feel them one by one.
Maybe I haven't even touched on the enormity of my healing, just how bad am I? I feel hopeless and bogged down under the enormity of my unhealed feelings, I feel tiny and lost in it all and like there is no hope for me. I feel like I am dying as I give up and feel beaten and let my feelings drown me as I feel about how bad it all is and just how much I have denied that I have no clue about right at this time, its all unknown to me until the next feeling comes, that's the only one I can do anything about as I long for the truth of it, but what is behind it in the queue. I am feeling very overwhelmed by how much there might, be waiting for me.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 21, 2017 7:07:02 GMT 10
This evening I lost half of a tooth while I was eating something. I am in shock at the loss. I looked at the broken piece of tooth and couldn't believe it and it has left such a huge gap in my teeth which is exposing a nerve I think.
A couple of hours have passed and I am still in deep shock and just keep breaking out in tears at the loss it is bringing up in me, such deep, deep loss and emptiness and shock at this loss and emptiness. I feel a feeling of being so churned up inside, I have no absolute knowing as to why but am just going with how I am feeling, not looking for the answer but just being in the devastating feeling this experience wants me to feel.
I want to cry and cry about the deep sadness I am feeling, a part of me has gone for ever and left a huge hole in me that can never be filled and all I can say is how shocked I am at the deep loss I am feeling at this tooth breaking off and leaving me exposed to pain.
I am so scared, I don't know how painful this is all going to get for me and there is always just so much pain, so many raw nerves exposed as I feel my way through my healing. Shit I am so scared, I am being plunged into deep fear and deep loss as more of me is breaking away and leaving holes in me. I am not in physical pain but deep emotional pain and I feel the physical pain will soon follow because of the nerve exposed by this tooth.
I am so scared of having to deal with physical and emotional pain and what is to come, I am at the mercy of whatever this tooth wants me to feel, what my soul wants me to feel, why it has orchestrated this experience and what childhood pain will be revealed.
I am always in fear of the bad thing that is to happen to me, in dread of what is to come and that feeling leads me to waiting in fear of what mood dad is in, I am now feeling like a child and trying to make it all alright, lighten the mood of everyone, be the broken fixer to make it all good again. I cant fix this, I have to feel the loss I am feeling and the grief of losing myself, that is how I am feeling, sad because while I was trying to make it all alright for them, I lost myself, I couldn't feel myself, my feelings because I was to busy making everyone else happy so I didn't have to feel the pain of their anger, unhappiness, it was to devastating, to terrifying for me to feel as a child.
I am feeling the grief of loosing myself to them and the huge hole and emptiness that is left. I am in so much shock at how deep I am feeling this and all because of this broken tooth and the hole it has left in me.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 22, 2017 5:02:06 GMT 10
As I lay in bed last night I did my usual prayer to Mother and Father. I longed to them for their Divine Love and begun to feel a slight and subtle change around me and inside me, like a 'drawing in' feeling and colours begun to enter me which I could see with my eyes closed, it was all very beautiful and subtle.
As the colours cleared I saw a vision of a huge Amphitheatre full of people all with their arms outstretched to me, most of them were dressed in white but the people in front and centre were in Gold, they were my soul group, I am sure of it. I was so surprised and it was so unexpected, it was amazing.
They were so far away from me, like I was floating above them, looking down at them all welcoming me, saying hello to me. It felt so good I didn't want it to end.
It all happened in such a short space of time but I will never forget the vision of my beautiful soul group and the love they were sending to me, it was a truly amazing moment and I want to see them again, I want to feel them again, it was so beautiful to know they are there for me and they are real and I could feel them.
It was incredible after the terrible time I have been going through, I feel so loved by them and the sight of them all reaching out to me will never leave me.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 1, 2018 21:57:13 GMT 10
I just watched a woman, a mother slap her daughter around the face on TV, it was in a film as I was switching on the news and flicked the channels I caught it. Instantly I felt it was me and I saw myself being slapped and I was in shock, so much shock that I couldn't get the tears to come out, I couldn't speak, I couldn't sob as I wanted to, I couldn't catch my breath and I feel that shock right now and need to express it so I am writing about how I feel. I am so devastated that it has happened, everything has changed now between us, the lie is shown to me and I don't want to believe it, I don't want to believe I am hated this much. I feel sorry for her, for my mum, she says she didn't mean it but I was to young to understand all I want to do is shake. I am confused and in such deep shock about what she has done, she cant undo it now, it is all over between us, I don't want to believe it, I wish we could rewind it all like it never happened, I want to die, I want it to be over as I have just experienced the truth.
I feel so dead inside, so hurt to a depth that I never felt before, I have never experienced such shock that has caused me to go into a state of confusion over what has happened, I cant believe she really did that to me. I want to tell her its all ok, it didn't hurt me, I still love her, I want to hold her and tell her its ok as I see how devastated she is for hitting me. I don't feel sorry for myself I just feel sorry for mum because she has done something so irreparable, it has all changed now between us, I now have to pretend I am ok so I can make her feel better. I don't care about me I just care about her and her devastation even though I am the victim it is mum I have to attend to.
As I saw this clip it all came flooding back to me how I have had to make sure mum always feels ok and happy, I was born just to do that for both of them, not to be loved but to be there for all of their addictions. Feed them the feelings they both need, be there to make dad feel powerful as he has complete power over me and make mum feel good because she always feels so bad and ill because of her own denial and repression which she hasn't been able to express because dad wont have it. I am there whipping boy, I am there purely for them to do with what they desire just as long as I bow to their injuries, stay the subservient one.
I am now going to speak to Mother and Father about this as I can feel it all deeper when I speak with them, I am feeling devastated inside as I see how I was manipulated and used and here to satisfy their will. I never had a chance of feeling my pain because they wanted me their purely for their pain and to make them feel better about themselves, more powerful. I have always put everyone else way above myself and it is being shown to my so clearly, why. Because I had to put mum and dad way above myself, I was here for them not for me so I believe I am here for everyone else, not for me. Put them before myself, make everyone else happy and I will be happy as I don't have to feel the wrath of their anger so I do all I can to keep the peace, I have always done it because I was taught to.
I cant believe the shock I am feeling inside of me, its so deep down but it is a child's pain at the hurt of being so unloved and that clip on TV has brought it out of me, I asked Mother and Father to take me deeper into it and it is coming up and I am so sad for the little me and all I had to deny myself of, my feelings, I had to put mums above mine and tell her it is all ok, I still love you when really I was so confused and shocked about what had happened. I feel in me, right now, the feelings of not wanting to believe it, to say it was all my fault, I drive people to hurting me, its my fault. This is how they wanted me to feel so they felt better about themselves, I was the bad and naughty one, they made me believe that all my life but I was just a helpless child as they once were too.
I keep repeating myself I know, but I have to, it is such a shock and I need to get it out, shit I am feeling gutted inside, so empty and so Nothing.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 5, 2018 22:53:49 GMT 10
During my illness that I have had recently I began to feel very numb with my feelings and I still have it now and I hate it, where have my feelings gone. I ask Mother and Father to help me feel, help me to get back on it, where have my feelings gone, I just feel numbness like a fog has descended upon me and I cant get to my feelings. I am very frustrated about this, what the fuck has happened to me and my feelings, I have hit a wall in my healing.
I pray and pray to Mother and Father to help me and I don't feel anything from them, I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone and left in my fog and confusion and its bloody hard and I am scared, what has happened to my feeling healing. I feel panicky about it all, like something has left me, my feelings have gone, all of my help has gone and no one is hearing me now. I am alone and I feel so weird. I feel abandoned by everyone including my feelings. But this is how it has been for me all my life, abandoned and left to my own devices and I am beginning to see what is happening now. I have to feel this way because this is how it was for me, I asked for help and didn't get it, well, not in the way I needed. All help has been cut off because that is how alone and abandoned I felt and I am only just feeling that now as I write this, of course this has to happen to me so I can feel it. I am feeling how alone I was as a child because that is how I am feeling now and that loneliness made me numb to my feelings as my mind took over trying to find ways of distracting myself from my loneliness. My mind numbed me out to my feelings so I couldn't feel the depths of my loneliness it put a fog over them and I am being taken back to that time now as I feel the for descend again so I cant get to my feelings.
My mind is doing crazy things right now, it has gone into a confusion as I see what it has done to me and how it has numbed me out of feeling all my life.
I cant write any more at the moment as I am feeling to crazy and confused as the truth comes to me. I feel very unhinged and crazy right now as I have through most of my life but only now, the truth is coming.
No I have to carry on writing. I don't want to break off and lose the thread of this truth that is coming up. I lived my life being this numb to my feelings and emotions, being cut off from them and this is what I am experiencing now, since my flu illness. How not being able to feel feels, its awful, its desensitizing to everything, its lonely when you cant feel your feelings, you feel like you don't exist, like you are just a watcher in your own life but you cant really feel it, it is what I was looking for all that time, to feel and I couldn't get to them like how I am feeling now but I am getting through to them, breaking through the fog that I felt through my life, especially in my 20's and 30's I was numb, even my skin felt numb, I was numbed out of feeling. I didn't know any truth because I was so numb to my feelings.
I have been feeling how all of that time felt and I have only just got it, I have had to feel the numbness that controlled me for all of those years and get to break through it by feeling it and I am still not completely through it, there is a way to go but the craziness has lifted as I feel the truth of it and I can feel Mother and Father smiling, I can feel them, they are with me. I am feeling amazing and I don't know if anyone reads this or if it makes sense to anyone but it feels so good to have such a huge breakthrough and it is ongoing, there is still so much of it to feel about but at least now I feel I can feel again. I was so scared of being in that feelingless fog but now I see how much I needed it, how lonely a place it was and is for me. I am feeling a little bit freer but I have to say, that really did shit me up to feel so cut off from my feelings but it is also so clever a way to take me back there, all through my feelings. I feel very happy, I love the breakthroughs.
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Post by James on Feb 6, 2018 20:29:01 GMT 10
Incredible again Sam, what an experience for you. To have it so succinctly, so you can feel it without any feelings to feel it - that is a mind bender, feeling so alone and isolated, then to see, feel the truth of that.
You saying you are in a fog without any feelings and that feels how you felt a lot through your mid-life, well that’s about how I feel just about every day now. Just as you say, shut down, fogged out, where am I, am I real, do I really exist? As I’ve written before, they made me be an extension of them, so no me existing in my own feeling-right, just in my mind as part of being them. If they felt or said something, that was how I was. It’s infuriating not having individualised in my feelings and feeling expression. Marion says she feels bad and then I too have to feel bad, then I’m angry with her for feeling bad because she’s making me have to feel bad because I have to be part of her, I have to be as she is.
Crazy and unhinged is right. Mad. I feel so demented most of the time. It’s so weird because on the one hand I’m feeling so much better and growing in self-confidence, yet with that I’m also able to feel how bad I am, how shut off and disconnected. Marion and I are going through a period seeing all the things that have eluded us over the years. We’re finally getting the whole picture of ourselves. It feels good but then I feel so bad being so fucked and seeing the truth of why. Always such contradiction. But I feel like I’m accepting myself as fucked as I am, and Marion even feels really happy about how fucked she is and the fucked life and fucked parents she got, that being when her body is not giving her the shits and making her feel bad. Up and down. This way and that.
It’s good how your illness sunk you into these deeper feelings, so you can really get into the deepest parts of yourself feeling so alone and feeling-less. I’ve been seeing more clearly how my parents stopped me feeling and then told me that I was feeling alright all the time, that there was nothing wrong, and I believed them. Thereby shutting myself off from all my feelings. And it’s incredible has much there is to see in the same old denial patterns - will it ever end? Every drop of truth is milked from them. And god how long and how hard has it been chipping away at trying to rid myself of shutting my feelings out. At least you are able to amazingly work through some of your feeling denial right now writing this. It’s always all so good what you write. It will be interesting to see if other people go through similar things, it’s such a pity not more people are writing about doing their Healing and are good way into it, however in time possibly.
We both think and talk a lot about you and the things you write, it all helps us so much. Thank you for keeping on posting Sam.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 10, 2018 6:21:45 GMT 10
Today a new level of awareness has opened up in me as to how it feels to be of no love. As I realise all I do is to get some feeling of love but its all false love because it is all gained through addictions. As I have no love in me and if I lose those addictions then I really have nothing at all, no addictions and no love so I will be NOTHING and I will have NOTHING. I have been praying to Mother and Father to help me feel this and all I get is more NOTHING, that is what they want me to feel, how it feels to have no love, it feels hollow, empty and pointless to exist, in fact I don't exist with out love, there is no point to life without love.
Where do I go from here I ask them, I get NOTHING but that is their answer to me, I have to stay in the NOTHINGNESS and continue to long for their love and see what happens. This is the Nothingness I was given by my parents and I have to feel it, they gave me empty addictions because they had no love to give me and now I am the same as them. I am scared, very scared because I don't know where this goes.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 15, 2018 20:07:22 GMT 10
I feel shit. I feel like I am nothing with no future at all. I feel like I don't want to do anything except sit on my settee in my pink dressing gown that I have been sitting in for two days. I don't want to wash my hair, and its pretty bad, or do anything other than sit and feel how hopeless I feel.
Inside me stirs a little panic about not having any future, I can feel the stirrings of my mind telling me to do something about it, look for a job, just do something but my feelings over ride my thoughts and tell me I don't want to do that, I cant do that anymore, I have tried, I went to go for job interviews but couldn't get out my front door and broke down crying because I don't want to do that, I physically and spiritually cant do it. I feel so far removed from every day life I cant do it.
At the moment I am going through feelings of just wanting to be in my house and no where else, even going to the shops for food is a awful job for me because I cant make decisions about what to buy because I don't care I just get the essentials and get home.
I have no lust for life only for my healing, its all I want to do and that scares me because I don't know what will happen to me and that has always been such a huge fear in me that I don't know what will happen to me in any situation. Never feeling safe or secure and that the bad thing is going to happen to me at any minute and my safety and security will be taken away as it was when Harry died and as it was when I was a child just being dragged along in life never knowing what was happening next and that is what I want to know, what is going to happen next because I am so scared of the bad thing being the next thing to happen to me, always waiting for it.
Everything revolves around my fear. I have no security and I am scared about what will happen to me, it is constantly with me this fear that the worst thing will happen to me, a dread that I live with. I am so tired of feeling this way. Was it really this bad for me as a child? did I really feel this scared? I had to supressed it all so much and I can see that now, how I just went along with what ever mum and dad decided but I was always scared and couldn't voice it because it would ruin their plans but I never felt safe with them because I never knew what was going on, I never knew the truth so I felt scared all the time. God I am so sick of it all. So sick of feeling so scared and so scared of having to be so responsible for myself when all I want is to be safe but that's not going to happen because for me, its always the bad thing that happens and I am sick of it, sick, sick ,sick of it I could scream I am so fucking sick of it, I feel so angry all I can see is a future of nothing for me with it all going because that is what happens to me, I lose it all, NOTHING. I am so fucking sick of it all.
I have no one to tell how scared and angry I am and without that communication it is hard to express it all fully, I don't feel like I can tell Trevor because he always tries to heal me or change it all for the better and I know that is bullshit and I just get even more angry at him not wanting to just hear me, it is all so hopeless and frustrating. I want to tell him how scared I am but it is pointless because he will just tell me how creative I am and how talented I am and I should put those gifts into practise and make a job out of it all but that is more Bullshit as all of those things I have now seen the truth of and have no interest in doing any of them. Oh my God I am so frustrated that everyone wants to keep me in denial, I truly have no one and I feel so alone, to have someone to speak to and get an answer from them in the way of encouragement to go on and go deeper, to have that as a face to face conversation instead of being told how gifted and talented I am, to have the acceptance of how I feel instead of the deeper denial because they don't want to hear me. There is nothing and no one for me, I am alone.
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Post by James on Feb 17, 2018 19:42:26 GMT 10
Feeling it all dry up, I can relate to that. Living without a future, and especially a brighter one, just accepting there is nothing, is so hard. And harder still not having anyone you can say it all to. At least Marion and I have each other, for that which I’m slowly appreciating more, even though I’m still tardy in my feeling expression. To be able to do your Healing without anyone wanting you to say it all too, that is incredible that you are having to go through that Sam. And yet you are constantly proving that you can, that someone can, so there is always other ways and more to it than we know.
I’ve been giving up more, I don’t really know how to say it, but stopping looking to the future using my mind, ending the need for having such hope, that something good will surely happen someday. Just allowing myself to feel what I feel and be in those feelings and nothing more. It’s hard, having always lived outside of and away from my feelings, but I feel I’m slowly getting there, incremental steps daily.
And I’m feeling because of that, less like writing or doing anything with my writing. It’s hard to write this now, I want to be my feeling-expression and no longer write about it. Part of me is, well what’s the point writing about it, I’m better at speaking it now rather than having the need to write it, and it’s easier speaking it of course.
And I’m appreciating time just moving on, and nothing really changing on the outside, although it always is, and feeling myself changing on my inside, and liking that feeling more. Everything now is far more subtle, and words seem too gross to try and say what I mean or am feeling. However you wanting to just go in and be accepted and encouraged to do that, and to be listened to, is all Marion ever wants too, nothing else, just free to be able to express all she feels all the time. With no interference, she’s still ending her parents’ control and interference over her, currently being represented by the birds constantly coming and asking for something to eat. Their noise, their asking, their intrusion, it all being her parents and her not being able to say no. It’s a mammoth exercise being able to say no to them, all those years of being forced to say yes against your will, and to end that control, it takes years. It takes time, a lot of time, which I’m accepting more in my more balanced times, and then up come my feelings of fury with it all taking so long, and so I move with them yelling about the injustice of it all.
It’s always so good to read what you write, even if I fail to respond. I want to respond, but it’s hard and seems to be getting harder. It’s funny just wanting be ‘in’, something very new for me, wanting to be out when face to face, but not like this where it’s all so artificial.
Anyway, what else can we do, it just keeps moving on. So move with it I guess. We think about you a lot Sam, and all the difficulties you face and are going through.
Love James.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 18, 2018 20:53:49 GMT 10
Thank you for the amazing support you and Marion give me James. I have been on the forum reading over the books you have written with Mary and Jesus and they help me so much, and the book 'The Rejected Ones' I am reading it again and every time I do I can see where I have grown and am seeing deeper into what you have written and it all opens up for me and the wonder of it all makes me cry as more feelings come to me from a deeper level and open up, its amazing how that happens.
I will continue to write on the forum because it is another outlet for me even if I don't get a reply it is still me expressing myself and I feel I want to hang on to those opportunities while I feel like doing it. It all helps me to become more transparent and bring all of my vileness out into the world and no longer it being to shameful to share.
It is always so inspiring to hear where you and Marion are in your healing and how it is for you both, I cant tell you how much I love it all, even through my darkest days I still love it because I feel I am heading somewhere, I am healing myself with my feelings and it all makes so much sense to do that, more sense that anything else in the world, I know because I feel it is the way with such surety and every thing in me tells me to go on. I know this is it, my soul knows that I have finally found it through finding You and Marion and your work.
Thanks James
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Post by Sam m on Feb 22, 2018 20:35:52 GMT 10
Today I feel scared of every one even to scared to go out in the car and do what I need to do. I am to scared to drive, I don't feel safe, and that is it, I don't feel safe, I feel like everyone's going to attack me and hurt me, beat me up and I am terrified of the pain I am going to feel. I have always been so scared of people, as a child I was terrified of the popular kids in school they were so confident and that terrifies me. They were loud and clever and had followers that wanted to be like them, shit, I wanted to be like them, why was I born so scared of everything. I am and always have been disabled, I should have been born physically disabled because the way I feel inside is more crippled than any physically disabled person.
I was always so scared of anyone helping me as a child, I didn't want anyone near me or to touch me especially not mum and dad, I was terrified of being helped and mum Ana dad have always brought it up,"You never let us help you, you have always pushed us away" they said they are hurt by it, my rejection of them. I just can't have them touch me or anyone help me, I have to protect myself from them and everyone because they will cause me more pain. As I wrote that the vision of mum trying to help me get a plaster off when I was young, I tried myself and as I eased it of it hurt so much, then she came and told me to just up it off quickly and I should let her do it, as she came at me to do it against my will. I pulled away from her, I can't trust my mum, the only one I have, to not hurt me and I feel like that about every one and won't let anyone help me, even Trevor says it to me, that I won't accept help, but I can't trust them, what are they going to do to me.
I don't trust anyone because I couldn't trust my parents not to hurt me. I have to protect myself from them and everyone and it makes me want to hide away from everyone and not have anyone help me because they will hurt me more, it's not helping me it's hurting me. My parents hurt me then expect me to trust them and let them help me, no, I can't do that, I am to scared of what they might do to me, what any one might do to me if I let them help me.
The more I feel about it, the more I feel how crippled I am inside by this. It has made me become a recluse, so alone emotionally because I can't rust people when they say they want to help me. I shy away from them, I don't want to be helped because you might hurt me more. I am safer on my own, I can't trust anyone and that is a lonely life. My parents have made me a lonely person because I couldn't trust them so I can't trust anyone to help me, I am scared of the pain they will cause me and all I want to do is protect myself by keeping them away.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 1, 2018 19:13:11 GMT 10
I put out some bird seed earlier this morning and I put it on top of the two wheelie bins I have so its off the ground because the snow is getting thicker. I just looked out and the snow is beginning to settle on the bird food and I am feeling a deep sadness and grief about this, it is really worrying me that the snow will cover all I have done for the birds and they wont get any food, God I feel angry about this what a fucking waste. The birds wont be able to get to it and it will get all wet and soggy and they wont want it then, they never eat the seed that has got wet.
This may seem like a little thing but inside of me it is huge, the feelings are devastating me and I want to cry at it all being such a pointless effort and no one is getting any benefit out of what I have done, the birds will go hungry because the snow is covering all the land and its deep. What a waste, everything I do is so useless and pointless I might have well not bothered at all.
I have this feeling in me a lot about waste, it could be wasting food, throwing out old cloths, not using something to its end inside of me I feel that not one bit should be wasted and it is bothering me that I have let this go unfelt for so long. I am physically feeling a weakened energy right now as I feel about it, everything is being drained out of me and I am roasting hot as the anger wells up in me. Help me My Mother and Father, I need your help to get down and into this feeling, to feel the cause of it, I feel so blocked with it, help me break through please.
I just went to look out the window after my prayer and all the food is getting covered in snow and wasted, God how I hate it I am so angry at the waste, any waste, all waste does no one want it, cant anyone use it, it must be of use to someone its so frustrating that things are just thrown away without a thought of how it could be used all such a waste, to be thrown in the bin and never seen again, just forgotten about, denied and rejected like how I feel inside and it is such a waste of life of being not to be wanted and loved and cared for, does no one want to care for the waste and use it and care about it at all, I feel deeply devastated about this and I want to cry at how disregarded waste is. No one cares about it, me.
Maybe someone could use it and it might be of use and really help someone, what ever it is that is being wasted, don't throw it out it might come in handy, I can feel myself feeling every time I see waste. I want everything to be wanted by someone and put to good use so it is then loved and cared about. It might give some one a good feeling and if it is thrown out then that is a good feeling thrown out and it would never have been known how good it can make someone feel, it might be of use and to throw it out is so devastating, its like just being snuffed out, extinguished without a care or thought or feeling for it. I feel sad for all waste and I want it to be wanted, all waste, rubbish is ME, its me being wasted, disregarded, not wanted, not cared about, of no use, rejected. I might have well been aborted and thrown in the bin with all the other unwanted children all such a huge waste of love never being experienced.
I looked it up WASTE, in the dictionary and here is what it said:
WASTE
1. (tr) to use, consume, or expend thoughtlessly, carelessly, or to no avail 2. (tr) to fail to take advantage of: to waste an opportunity. 3. (Medicine) (when: intr, often foll by away) to lose or cause to lose bodily strength, health, etc 4. to exhaust or become exhausted 5. (tr) to ravage 6. (tr) informal to murder or kill: I want that guy wasted by tomorrow. n 7. the act of wasting or state of being wasted 8. a failure to take advantage of something 9. anything unused or not used to full advantage 10. anything or anyone rejected as useless, worthless, or in excess of what is required 11. garbage, rubbish, or trash 12. (Physical Geography) (usually plural) a land or region that is wild or uncultivated 13. (Physical Geography) obsolete a land or region that is devastated or ruined 14. (Physiology) physiol a. the useless products of metabolism b. indigestible food residue 15. (Physical Geography) disintegrated rock material resulting from erosion 16. (Law) law reduction in the value of an estate caused by act or neglect, esp by a life-tenant adj 17. rejected as useless, unwanted, or worthless 18. produced in excess of what is required 19. not cultivated, inhabited, or productive: waste land. 20. (Physiology) a. of or denoting the useless products of metabolism b. of or denoting indigestible food residue 21. destroyed, devastated, or ruined 22. designed to contain or convey waste products 23. lay waste to devastate or destroy
Every bit of that is how I feel inside and its such a waste not to be wanted, loved and cared for and I understand now why waste bothers me so much. Its a reflection of me and how I feel A WASTE, a wasted opportunity, 50 years of being thrown in the bin, not used to the max to my full potential but not used at all, wasted. I use everything till its finished, I don't want to waste anything because I feel so bad like I am missing out on something if I don't use it all or eat it all. I am missing out on a feeling and I am left empty inside because I have disregarded it so unlovingly, so unappreciatively so without care and it is all me being left out, missed out, forgotten and rejected and thrown away because that is how I feel inside so I feel it about all waste, I feel I am wasted and it HURTS not to be wanted, its a waste of Love so I try to find a use for everything because I don't want it to feel like me, unwanted, uncared about, unloved and I am putting those feelings in me onto everything that is not wanted, I want it, surely it will come in useful at some point and it will give me a good feeling when I find a use for it, it will then be useful and we will all love it because it is so usefull and wanted and that is all I wanted to be, of use and wanted but its not so good to only be wanted if you are of some use to someone and I wasn't. Now I have the error of having to be of use like the rubbish and waste, I try and find a use for it but I am trying to find a use for me so I am wanted and loved, oh wow, yes that is it, that is what is happening here, its all me. Its all how I believe I have to be of use to someone then I will be loved and that is how it always was as a child, I had to be of use and doing things for mum and dad otherwise I was a waste, of no use to anyone, pointless and useless, and meaningless with no purpose which is how I am feeling right now in my life. I feel like I have to have a purpose, to be of use and It is worrying me that I have no plan in life and I am feeling useless because for the first time I am of no use to anyone only myself in doing my healing. I am only of use to myself and I have been taught to be of use to everyone else first and that has all changed now. It is just about me and my healing, that is all I have been left with in life, I have nothing else and I am feeling like a waste of space and everyone will be judging me like mum and dad did if I wasn't being productive, I am a waste to them but not to me, I am being very productive by healing myself and bringing my hole life back to me and my feelings because everything else is a waste of my time it all being in the evil and negative so it has had to go and I am just left with my feelings.
Everything else that I was doing was a waste because it was all evil and I gave it all so much importance even all that I am afraid of wasting, it is all evil and in the negative and not needed by me at all as all I need is my feelings and me. I don't need any of those things just the feelings they give me, so I do kind of need them because they make me feel but that is all I need, my feelings. I don't need to be productive anymore I just need to feel.
I have hit a huge confusion and have gone into breakdown mode because I don't understand where I am going with this but I know it is important and will just go with my confusion for now because it is a huge wall that is in front of me and I cant go any further, shit I am so confused, what the fuck was I talking about, its all gone and all I have is a huge white fog of confusion so now I am feeling insane and fucked and will have to leave it there and go and feel and ask My Mother and Father to help me I feel like I am a completely wasted opportunity.
4 minutes later
My Mother and Father have just told me how simple it is, I want to control it all, do something with it all, find a home for the waste and make sure it is wanted. I want to control it all so it doesn't feel how I feel unloved and without any power to do anything about it, Powerless and controlling it gives me purpose and power. In 4 minutes of asking God I have my answer. Its all because I feel so POWERLESS being a waste makes me feel powerless, having no purpose makes me feel POWERLESS, the snow covering the bird seed makes me feel POWERLESS and I want to go and do something about it, control it and make it all happen my way. I want control and Power. That is a truth, I feel that more clearly than anything, its a truth. Waste makes me feel POWERLESS because I don't know what to do with it to make it wanted as I didn't know what to do to make me wanted so I would use my mind to thing things up to be wanted by mum and dad. I get it, YES I get it and I can feel that I get it and it feels wonderful to know that as a Truth and understand it, asking for My Mother and Father's help works and its amazing when the truth comes. They are really there for me and I feel them.
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Post by James on Mar 3, 2018 20:23:42 GMT 10
That was so good reading you working your way though your feelings to your truth. And what does it all come down to? Feeling powerless because you feel unloved. Isn’t it amazing how you go around and around working your way from what seems like outer space, the seeds on the bin lids in the snow, working it all the way back in to feeling how powerless and unloved you felt as a child. How incredible - what a healing, bringing out yet more of your repressed pain and just allowing yourself to feel the truth you’re seeing about yourself.
Toward the end, before the truth started coming up, I felt like saying, there is nothing wrong with feeling you are a waste. Really, there is nothing wrong with our being - feeling - any of our bad feelings. Only as you said, that we’re told it’s wrong to feel them. So be a waste, have a nothing life, what does that all mean, as you also said, as that’s only judgement in the eyes of a fucked up world - your parents, And being yourself doing nothing is not a waste, it’s just being yourself, and you can’t do ‘nothing’, as we’re always ‘doing’ ourselves. And how can being anything that our Mother and Father created, be a waste, even our bad feelings?
Marion and I are focused heavily on just being what we feel we are, and arriving at the acceptance that it’s okay to be that way, nothing bad is going to happen, the world is not going to end; and as we are it, as we’ve been it all the way along even though we’ve been doing all we can to try and pretend we’re not it, then we might as well just fully accept.
It’s so good when you reach the point of such self-acceptance, just allowing yourself to be the waste, failure, powerless person you are, realising that so what, you’re still you, and that might currently be a fucked up person with all this shit in them from their unloving parents, but it’s not the real you. And as you don’t have to do anything to be the real you, so you just be as you are - it’s really all quite easy, ha, ha. However accepting yourself as the waste, well that can take some doing. So it’s a delight reading you working your way deeper into it. And it happens, the truth comes when you really want it, because we are it. As Marion always says, you know it, it’s you, it’s what you already are, you just can’t see it, but it’s all there waiting to be seen. And how wonderful when our feelings bring it all out.
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Post by samantha9 on May 4, 2018 17:55:26 GMT 10
More fear and terror coming up. I am so scared to do anything, I went out yesterday for Trevor's 58th Birthday, just a little lunch and I suddenly came over terrible in the pub where we went for lunch, I couldn't eat anything so Faye and Trevor carried on while I sat in the loo for a while expressing myself and fucking freaking out with fear and feeling so ill, like I was going to die and I was so unsafe out here, not in my home, my safe place. I haven't felt this terrible when I am out in a long time but it all came back, just how bad I used to feel and why I stopped going out so its come back for me to heal.
I am meant to be going to London today with my son, if he doesn't have to work. He asked me to go with him and I said yes but I am shitting myself because at the moment I feel ok, scared but not ill but I know when I get to London I will be in a state. I am so scared to do anything or go anywhere in fear of what might happen to me, I have been the same all my life but been so embarrassed about it and having anyone know, its so fucking humiliating to be so scared and go into a full blown panic attack because you don't feel safe, I have lived with it all my life.
All the thoughts go through my head like, what if I don't feel well, like yesterday! What if I collapse or pass out in public! what if I cant get to somewhere safe, somewhere I can hide! so many what if's. Its a minefield out there for me and all of this fear is coming back for me to feel after having been able to deal with it for quite a while now but that has all been with my mind, supressing it, now it has to be accepted and expressed where ever I am.
My Son knows that I am healing myself and what I go through to do that so it is good that I can tell him blow by blow how I am feeling and he will understand but I think it will still be a shock for him, anyone to experience the depth of terror I feel when I go out. I have supressed this fear for so long, controlled it with my mind with avoidance tactics and other ways of denying it is in me.
I can feel the fear growing in me as the time gets closer to having to go to London, I want to go but I am also so terrified of how I will feel, I am so scared of feeling the overwhelming drowning feeling of fear and the panic of not being able to escape it, run from it or get away from it, it has me trapped with it, I cant separate myself from it because it is with me, in me and it is so hard to accept it and allow it to come and take me over, shit I am scared.
All these thoughts and feelings run through my head, I might feel ill, I might feel dizzy, I might feel like collapsing, I might not be able to cope. Where am I going to escape to when I am in such a public place. I will feel so scared of not being able to get home quickly, to my safe place where I can go back into hiding and be safe, I need to be near home so I can get back quickly if I need to. Its not safe for me out there, I need to be at home with mum and dad where I am safe, they taught me that I am not safe without them being with me, I can remember this being said to me as a child by them and it is still in me. It is going out without them that I am scared of, they told me it wasn't safe to go out alone. Home was where they were and I was only safe with them, it is making sense now why I feel so scared going away from home because I was only safe with them and I felt unsafe without them even now as an adult I can feel the childhood fears they put into me for my own good. Not to go out alone, not to go to far from home, to stay on the estate, if my friend went home I was to come straight home, not to go out in the dark there are bad people about who will jump out at me or rape me or take me away and I will never see mum and dad again. Shit its all coming back to me and I am asking God to help me know the truth of this, that prayer to them is always being said in the background, for them to help me know the truth of how it was with mum and dad, it kind or plays out at the same time as my expressing. Its a constant longing in me to know the truth with their help, it all works if I do it that way, I get the memories come back to me and get to feel the truth.
Another memory has come to me of me being ill when we were out and mum panicking and saying "Just get her home, she is ill" like that is the only place that I will feel better and be safe, I just have to get myself home as quickly as I can and that is how I feel, its all a panic to get safe and get home, oh my god its all so fucked up as I see more of how it was for me as a child and how those subtle ways that mum had with me, stayed inside me and formed my fear and panic that I was only safe at home, with them and those cords I can see going from them to me and from me to them, they made me need them so much and made me know that I was not safe without them in this world and I have been scared of going anywhere and doing anything in this world without them, because without them I am not safe. What does that mean to me, not to be safe without them, it feels like without them I will DIE! And that is how the panic that consumes me feels, like I will die at any moment without them, I feel like I just cant do it, I cant venture out without them because they have told me I am not safe without them and I am only safe at home, so I am limited to my house for my safety, actually I don't even feel safe in my house, It would have to be THEIR HOUSE WITH THEM. That is the only place I am safe, shit they have me. I am their prisoner, they completely have me caught and I have only just realised how bad this is. I am only safe with them in their house, not in my own, I have to be with them, in their control so they can know everything I am doing so I can be safe, never leaving their sides and I don't ever leave their sides because I can see the cords flowing between us, they still have me and I feel like giving up now, it is no use, I cant escape from them. It is them I am terrified of and I have to give in to that because that fear is still in me until I feel my way through it all.
I have just entered a state of confusion, a fog, I don't know what has just happened to me but something has and I am in deep confusion so I will have to end it there and sit with this as I feel like it is all over for me, that is the feeling I am getting. A flatness inside of me, a stopping, giving it all up as I know they have me, I am caught like a fish in their net. The confusion is, I cant escape, there is no where to go or run to and I know it sounds weird but I feel quite calm as I give up.
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Post by James on May 5, 2018 20:10:58 GMT 10
I can relate to your parents making you fear the outside world and making you feel safe to be at home with them, which is ironic - you must stay with the evil ones so you will be safe, yeah, that’s the same shit I’ve had to work through too. And how much is there to work through!
So how was your trip to London - how did you feel?
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Post by samantha9 on May 6, 2018 1:13:34 GMT 10
I didn't go James, it all changed for my son so he came over and we had a lot of fear to work through about things that are going on for him, that of course come from me. I was ready to go to London and I still feel like I could do it ok after getting it out of me, the fear seems a little less but it is all so much. In the past I would have buried all of these feelings and just got on with it in absolute terror with it continuously going on in my mind but now it all comes out, it all gets expressed and it de-powers the fear as I accept it and express it. I still want to go with him though to see how I feel about it and I want it to be him I go with as we have a good openness where we can tell each other how we feel, well, me more than him really but he is slowly getting better at it.
There is so much more to come though James, and I am seeing the truth of my Agoraphobia more now as I express it as the feelings come and it feels so good to get it out and know where it all came from, there is no more mystery in my pain when I understand the source of all my pain and bad feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on May 15, 2018 16:33:46 GMT 10
I was just listening to a scientist talk about a new cure for the common cold and he was talking about the process of how a virus infects our cells and it caught my attention to being exactly the same as how our Parents infect us, I found it amazing, its just the same as what I have been healing when I get a cold, the infection of my parents and also me being an infection to them.
He said "Virus's grab onto our cells, penetrate them and infect them so that they can replicate themselves and build their structure within that cell so they consume the cell and take it over and then move on to the next cell" Shit and wow that is just what our parents do to us, they are the virus and we are the cell being consumed by our parents and taking over us completely then when their work is done on us they move on to the next child, their infection being well and truly in us and we cant get rid of the virus that is our parents until we heal ourselves and our parents out of us.
HOW A VIRUS INFECTS US
1. A virus particle attaches to a host cell.(Our conception and beginning of our damage with our parents who are the Virus and we are the host cell.)
2. The particle releases its genetic instructions into the host cell.( Our parents pouring their denied and repressed feelings into us as children at conception, all of their genetic injuries poured into us as children, we are infected and the work on us begins, there is no escape for any child, all will be infected by the host virus)
3. The injected genetic material recruits the host cell's enzymes.(Our parents genetic injuries take us over and we start living them as if they are true. We are now living our parents untruth as if it is true, we believe it all)
4. The enzymes make parts for more new virus particles.( We live and create our lives based upon this untruth and make new parts of us which are our children so we can carry on the infection in them and continue the virus into the future generations)
5. The new particles assemble the parts into new viruses.(We make sure our genetic virus is passed on to our children, a new little virus we have created to carry on our work, infection)
6. The new particles break free from the host cell.(We can only break free once we begin our soul Feeling Healing, once we accept, express and find the truth of our feelings, other than that we are living our lives in a constant state of untruth pretending we are well and ok when truly the virus never leaves us until we become aware of our healing and begin it.
When I have done my feeling healing when I have a virus of cold I have expressed my feelings and they have amounted to this. Me being infected by my parents, my will being taken by them and me being controlled and completely powerless to their infection of me, that infection is in me and has been from conception and has been the bases of everything I have done just like the common cold or virus and the way it grabs hold of us and replicates itself in our cells against our will. I don't want this cold or virus, it is pushing itself on me against my will, it is taking me over completely and beating me into submission of its will until I cant move or do anything I want to do.
I am amazed yet again how wonderful it all is when we do our healing, that everything is put in place for us to know the truth, this information that I caught whilst I was writing this morning, has proved that yet again. The common cold or a virus is telling us the truth of how it was for us as children, everything is doing that for us if we are aware of it. Its so amazing to me.
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