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Post by samantha9 on Apr 29, 2019 9:17:50 GMT 10
I am so wrong. I have been so wrong. I have caused so much pain. I dont want to do it any more, I dont want to do it ever again please hear me Mother and Father, I dont want to hurt anyone ever again. It feels to awful, it causes to much pain. I feel so terrible. I have hurt my children beyond words and now it is tearing me apart to see what I have done to them. I can see it all and I never want to do it again. I have been an awful mother. I am so sorry my dear children.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 29, 2019 9:49:10 GMT 10
Oh my God the pain is hitting me again, it comes in huge waves, tidal waves of pain deep in my heart. Agony, fucking unbearable agony. I cant even describe how bad it is. Huge waves of realisation hit me and the pain is filled with so much hopelessness, I cant stop the pain, it comes and overwhelms me as I see more truth of my wrongness. I have to cry.
I feel in shock at what I have done and I can't stress enough that I thought I was a great mum and any parents reading this, one day it will come for you, the truth. I am in such shock at how deluded I have been. My feelings are waking me up to the truth of how I did it all so wrong. I am getting constant flashbacks of all I have done wrong with my children and I cant believe it was me, so wrong, so stupid, so unloving.
My feet are freezing as more shock takes hold of me, my legs and feet are frozen and I feel like I am trembling inside. I am in a crazy state of fear, shock and such high anxiety over all I am seeing tonight. It's like a slide viewing inside my head of all the times I was unloving to my children and as I watch it, I want to hide and cringe at my unloving parenting, what a fool. I wasnt fit to be a mother. I am so sorry my poor darling children to put you through so much pain. And I know it is all true because my children's lives are showing me the truth of what I have done to them.
When people with children come to do their healing, this is all waiting for them, no one escapes it and it is shocking. It will bring every parent to their knees in sorrow and remorse at what they have done to their own children.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 29, 2019 20:45:49 GMT 10
I think that was the worst night of my life, I feel exhausted and am so glad it is morning, it was like a bad dream. I feel terrible still at what I have done to my children, I am drained by it. Last night the pain hit me on every level, what was done to me and what I then passed on and did to my own children. I am so tired and worn out.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 30, 2019 2:14:12 GMT 10
Still feeling so tired and worn out, complete emotional exhaustion. I had to go to the post office today and as I went to park a woman in a huge 4 x 4 took up so much space and I felt so angry about it. I squeezed in next to her giving her hardly any room to get out but it was the only space and she should move over a bit, fuck her anyway. Shit it still makes me angry now. I got in the que behind her and she got to the front and out came bags and bags of 20p's, what the fuck, I hated her even more and I wanted to scream my head off at her, oh my god I feel so fucked of by her even now. It took ages and I felt so put out by her, I fucking hated her with all of my being, I was so angry that she was holding me up, taking ages, parking like a fucking retard, I wanted to 'punch the grandmother out of her' I was so angry, stamp all over her stupid head and just scream in her face hoe much I hated her right at that moment.
She left and I did what I had to do and left too, she had gone and another 4 x 4 had parked in her space, and parked properly, considerately. I got in my car and screamed at the top of my voice all the way home, I was like a mad person, I was a mad person but it felt so good to call her all of the Cunts under the sun and shout out loud how much I hated her and how she didn't give a shit about me or anyone else and how I wanted to rip her up and obliterate her. As I was screaming I noticed, and this is something I have noticed before, that I couldn't scream very loud, not as loud as I wanted to, it hurt my head, it vibrated in my brain, I had to control it to not hurt to much. How fucking annoying not to even be able to express my self as loud as I wanted to, it hurt to much. My throat has been raw all day but I wanted to go louder and couldn't, how unfair, I felt like I was being stopped, I had to hold back from being to loud, stop myself and this comes from my childhood because I was not allowed to be loud, not allowed to scream or be angry and I was still doing it to myself, what my parents had done to me as a child. I was being them to me, not allowing myself to really let rip, I had a cut off level of loudness I could go to and no higher and I am still doing as I am told, their programming is still in me to be quiet when I wanted to smash windows with my screams. All so unfair, so stifled and repressed but fuck was I angry and raging and it was so good to be so vocally obscene and it was all aimed at my parents really, I just needed this woman to set me off and bring up all the feelings I needed to feel, it works so well.
I now have a very sore throat but feel empty of that rage and hate I felt earlier. I am now left emotionally drained, it has been a very tough time.
Buy the way, the guy that caused so much trouble for my son got the sack today, my son texted me and is so happy. He says work will be like a breeze now that he doesn't have to deal with the abuse from that twat of a guy.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 30, 2019 9:35:00 GMT 10
I am feeling such deep, deep pain tonight about how bad people dont really mean to be bad, it's not who they are really, it's what they have been made to be by their parents and that makes me feel such deep devastation that I feel sorry for all bad people. I feel so bad for them like I am them and it is happening to me, I am being punished for doing something bad but I didn't mean to do it and I am now scared of what is going to happen to me. I feel like I want yo protect all the bad people which I know sounds crazy but I feel so sad for them, like they are all my children and I have to protect them. I don't want them to get into trouble. I dont want them to feel pain because I dont want yo feel my own pain. If they are in pain then I will feel it and it is to much for me, to devastating for my to feel.
I feel like a little child watching my siblings getting told off by dad and I would always cry and scream to leave them alone, I couldn't bare it, their pain meant I had to feel my pain and I didn't want to, it was to overwhelming for me yo feel such grief. I didn't want my brothers to get told off, dad shouting at them scared me do much I would be crying just hearing him approaching. I can feel the pain in me now and it has scared me deeply that now anyone who has done something wrong, I feel sorry for them and want to save them so they dont have to be scared about what will happen to them. Someone gets into trouble and I am the one crying, it was always like that as a child.
I dread the bad thing happening to anyone, I would even prefer to take the blame so they dont have to get in trouble. It's all so fucked up, I am so fucked up inside.the confrontation scares the shit out of me, it did as a child, I can see myself as a child being so scared if I or the boys had done something wrong. What was going to happen to us! I can see myself crying like it is the end of the world as my brother gets told off by dad and it's to much for me to cope with, he didn't mean to do it, leave him alone. It's all so unloving. I dont want him to be scared and dread what he has coming to him. Most of the time it was only a telling off but to me, that was the end.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 30, 2019 10:21:53 GMT 10
I need to carry on expressing this pain, it is so fucking bad, Christ I am feeling pain at a new level, like I never thought I could but of course I can because it is in me, I have felt it all before, in my childhood. I just feel so bad, so twisted with pain, like I have done something so bad and really wrong and I am a scared little child waiting to get my punishment. Not knowing what will happen to me. I want the pain to stop it is so much, to much for me to cope with. I feel like I am dying with the weight of the pain in me, it is all from my childhood and being so scared about not knowing what is going to happen to me. As a child when I did something wrong it was always so devastating, the worst thing ever, I was going to get in the worst trouble for it even though it was never that bad at all, I got it all out of proportion in my mind and it blew up to be a terrible feeling for me, terrifying thinking I was in such bad trouble with dad. Dad scared me, he was big and his energy was huge and always felt angry to me so I had to be good and if I wasn't, I would freak out at how much trouble I would be in and I had done nothing really but it all got distaughted in my head. I was in trouble and that was the end of the world to me so I dared not misbehave, it wasn't violent but just his wrath and energy, always scared the shit out of me and still does. I am still that little girl scared of getting in trouble from her dad, I am scared of anyone getting in trouble, I project all of my fears onto them and feel so sorry for them as I feel so sorry for me, every on who has ever done something bad, no matter how bad, is me, poor me, scared little me waiting for her dad to dish out the punishment, get shouted at. Dads wrath is such a threat hanging over me, I have to please him, so I have had to please everyone because they are all my dad and will tell me off.
I cant stand anyone getting told off because they are me and it is my dad telling them off, I think they feel the same as me, shit scared. I don't feel like anyone should get told off because they are all me, all scared, leave them all alone, they are scared, stop telling them of cant you see they are scared of you. I am feeling so terrible, so many feelings surfacing, so much truth which is so good but so hard to feel.
I wanted my dad to stop, stop telling me or my brothers off, it was never my sister, she was always good and did it all the right way. I wanted him to stop being so unloving, it was devastating to feel his unlovingness for us as he shouted at us, shit it was scary as a child. I was so scared of him, I still am, I can feel it like I am back there, being little again as the feelings come up for me to feel, so clear. I cant bear anyone getting reprimanded or told off, I feel so sorry for them just as I did as a child, I am still the same, wanting to shout at them to leave that person alone, they didn't mean it, they are sorry. It is how I felt as a child dealing with my dads anger and discipline, it stayed with me for life, that childhood fear of him and his need for our obedience. I cant bare anyone getting told off, it always makes me want to cry and defend them, stick up for them, make them feel loved and safe because when you are being told off there is no love present, you don't feel safe and secure but very scared and vulnerable to what ever may come next. it was terrifying.
When I see anyone getting told off I feel like dying inside for them, for me. It was how I felt as I got told off, it was how I felt as my brothers got told off, in a state of panic at the loss of love, all love has gone and I would shake, tremble with fear. My dad had turned into a monster instead of my dad as he shouted and exerted his power over us.
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Post by samantha9 on May 1, 2019 5:41:05 GMT 10
Constantly breaking out into tears today, I feel very tearful right now. I have such a huge pain inside of me, not physical but all on the feelings level. I cant stand pain, the sadness in people which I know is my own sadness in me. Everything feels so unloving, everyone is so uncared for and I am feeling such great sadness like I am sucking in all of the worlds pain into me and I wouldn't know what it feels like if I didn't have it in me to start with, so it is all my own pain. I cant stop feeling so much emotional pain, it is all rising up in me and coming out as tears and I cant stop them, not that I want to but just to describe how I feel and being so spontaneous with my crying.
I feel so hurt inside, so much pain, so much rejection and I am feeling how that feels, how it felt and how it has all been stored up inside of me all these years. All of my pain is childlike in how it is coming up, I really feel like a child again being so hurt and unloved and having to put it away and pretend it isn't true as it was for me as a child. I never knew I felt so bad, I never knew I had denied so much of it because I was convinced I was so loved and in a loving family and all of my pain was my own doing, this is a shock, it continues to be a shock to me how unaware I was of the truth.
Being in so much pain today, emotional pain, I have noticed all I want to do is eat constantly to make me feel better, to give me some good feelings. It has been so noticeable today, the truth of why I do it, to deny my bad feelings, stuff them down with the food and digest them into my body where they stay and do all sorts of harm and make me put on weight so I can feel even worse about myself, hate myself even more as the food I eat stays inside of me and stores itself away as fat and its just the same as my parents unlovingness, how it entered my, I digested it inside and it got stored away inside of me causing me harm. Eat, eat, eat more and more to find some comfort in something good because I feel so fucking bad and shit do I feel so bad.
I feel so bad, I feel like the whole world is crushing me with its unloving feelings which is how it felt feeling so unloved by mum and dad, I cant bear the pain today. I feels so bad that all of my glands have come up in defence of how I am feeling, ready to attack the incoming threat which are my bad feelings. I am so low. Feeling the pain in others and knowing it is my own pain bringing to me the truth of my denied and repressed feelings from my childhood. I feel like shit.
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Post by samantha9 on May 1, 2019 6:20:25 GMT 10
No sooner I stop writing and another feeling comes up in me as a memory. I used to feel really silly and bad if anyone showed me respect, it made me feel really weirded out and I wanted them to stop it, stop treating me like that, like I am something special. its to weird. Even when Trevor used to call me 'Samantha' and other people have done the same thing too, its to weird, don't do it, I am 'Sam' just 'Sam' its quick and you can get it over with quickly but 'Samantha' is to formal, like I deserve to be called by my whole name because I am so special to you but don't, don't do it, I am not special and you make me feel like I am something I am not, stop trying to make me feel special and worthy when I am not, it is not how I feel so it feels wrong, just call me 'Sam' its short and insignificant and that is how I feel. I feel uncomfortable when you try to make me feel special, it doesn't sit right with me so don't do it. I don't want the respect, I don't feel I deserve it, I don't want to be treated like I am special, I am not.
I went out with a man once and he wouldn't let anyone touch me and he kept telling me that he thought I was special and lovely and wanted to make me out to be something I wasn't and I felt so creeped out by him doing it and I asked him to stop. It made me cringe to hear it, I didn't like it at all and since I have had people treat me in a respectful way and it just feels wrong, I cant accept it, they are lying to me, I don't trust them being nice to me and thinking I am special and deserve to be treated that way, it is not how I feel inside, it doesn't match up to my feelings about myself so is just weird.
As soon as I stopped writing the last post, the memory of this man came into my mind so I didn't ignore it as it is a healing memory for me that needs to be looked at, it instantly brought up feelings of wrongness in me and how I really feel about myself and I don't want to be treated special, its embarrassing to me. It feels so wrong. I get these memories come to me at all different times and have to follow them up with my feelings and this one, I felt instantly uncomfortable with it, as I did when it all occurred. Like when my dad would be nice to me, I couldn't accept it because I knew it could change and he would be moody again or grumpy and it would crush my previous feelings of him being nice and happy, I couldn't trust him emotionally so I cant trust anyone.
I remember the same guy used to tell me how sexy he thought I was and this made me fucking cringe, I couldn't accept someone who liked me, fancied me telling me he thought I was sexy, no way could I take that, I wanted to curl up and die when he said it. I am making him sound like a right weirdo, creepy guy but he wasn't, he just wanted to be nice to me and tell me nice things that he thought about me but I couldn't take it, I just wanted to say to him, "No I am not and stop saying things like that to me, its all wrong, all bullshit, I am not nice, pretty, sexy or special so stop trying to tell me I am" I felt like it was so wrong because I felt like a little girl inside still and it was wrong of him to say those things to me when I felt so bad about even having relationships, guilty because I was still my dads little girl, he had such control over me I couldn't even be a woman and have another man be with me and take his place in my life, he was the man, the only man in my life and no other man was going to step into his shoes and take me away from him. Shit that sounds all creepy and pervy again, dad didn't touch me or was never sexually abusive to me, nothing like that at all but he was a big man, overbearing and in control of his family, especially his girls and no man was good enough for them, only him. He wanted to vet any boyfriends very quickly to see what they were like so I never told my parents when I was seeing a boy because it was to humiliating, constantly being asked "when are we going to meet him then" what the fuck did it have to do with them, dad just wanted to lord it over them, scare them, assert his power and control to make sure they knew he was the boss and I belonged to him. Crazy. I am really rambling on here but I want to speak, write whatever!
The memory came to me so I had to express it and see where it went, all so much control from dad, seeing how I felt so much guilt, and like I was doing something bad just dating someone. I felt it was naughty and I was to scared to tell my parents or for them to find out. I don't feel worthy of being special to someone and I don't want to hear it. I feel like the lowest of the low, I don't deserve respect or to be told nice things when I don't feel like that inside, it just doesn't match my feelings about myself so I don't want to hear it, it repels me and all of those instances are coming back to me now, Yuk, I feel cringy, I am not that person so find someone who is and can accept those niceties. The picture that has just come to my mind is a vampire being shown a cross, that is the image I have just seen in my head about how it makes me feel and that describes it perfectly, that is how I feel when someone is saying nice things to me, I cant take it. I can take horrible comments much better, they hurt but at least they match how I feel about myself and are true to all of my denied and repressed childhood feelings. I am so fucked up.
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Post by samantha9 on May 2, 2019 8:18:25 GMT 10
I feel so much better today, some of the terrible emotional pain has left me and I feel better about it all. I had a long talk with my son tonight about how I have been feeling and he expressed so much to me too about how bad he feels and it was so good to hear him let it all out and as he was expressing his feelings to me he naturally found himself going into the deeper underlying feelings and accessing the deep rooted stuff that needed to come out. We both got so much from it and felt so much better.
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Post by samantha9 on May 3, 2019 7:51:49 GMT 10
My son came over tonight telling me about how lonely his work is, his relationship is, his room he rents is, his whole life is lonely for him and he hates it. I asked him how he felt about his childhood, did it feel the same? He said it was exactly the same, no one there for him how he needed them to be, just loneliness and surrounded by empty people with no love or care.
He is getting so much better about telling me the truth of how it was for him as a child, he is feeling less guilty about hurting me with the truth of how he felt, he can tell me so much more now which I am so happy about. I am so glad he can tell me that me and his father abandoned him emotionally when he needed us, we weren't there for him and it is true. I want to hear it all, I feel like I just want to help him open himself up to all of his feelings, no matter how bad they are, how hard hitting towards me they are, if its the truth, I want to hear about it from him and I cant tell you how good it is to hear it from him. It means he is releasing it from him, speaking it out of him and discovering the truth through his feelings of how it was for him and he has me, the perpetrator, to listen to it all, no matter how bad it is.
He tells me it all and when he leaves I can have a good cry about it because I feel so bad yet so good about him opening up to me and telling me how he feels. I have done this to him and now I am feeling the pain of what I have done and expressing that pain out of me to Mother and Father, begging to be forgiven for what I have done to him. Not a night goes by where I am not laying in bed crying with the pain of my unloving parenting towards my children. My parenting was delusional. I am their Mother, of course I love my children!!!! Bollocks and Bullshit did I! I was the worst thing for my children and now they are suffering the pain of my unloving parenting, everything in their lives is showing them the truth of their childhood with me and their fathers and its all pain and I can see it so clearly.
I am seeing my Son changing into a deeply Feeling Young Man and understanding it all more and more as I encourage him to talk to me about anything he is feeling. He calls me up and we talk and I help him unfold the mess of his complicated Feelings and when we are finished, he feels freer as he understands where his pain comes from and I think he is beginning to enjoy knowing more about himself and seeing that he can find out the truth of how he feels all through his feelings, they are no longer a mystery to him and there is no mystery because the truth can always be known if we turn to our feelings and begin to unravel them. Shit I love it so much, its my life now and there is no longer any mystery, I just go to my feelings for the answers.
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Post by samantha9 on May 5, 2019 5:35:59 GMT 10
I am seeing more and more how I do all I can not to be with myself, all of my addictions that have got worse, are showing me that I will do all I can not to be with me and that is how it was for me as a child with mum and dad, they doing all they could not to be with us/me and I have done the same with my children, its so awful.
I went to the fridge to get out my Vegan Ice cream and as I approached the freezer all of these feelings were bombarding me as to why I wanted the ice cream and it was all so I don't have to be with myself and my bad feelings, just as my parents didn't want to be. I am doing to me what they did to me. All I do is to make me feel good and to take me away from my bad feelings but nothing really can because as I do these things my feelings take over and up they all come for me to feel so I have this double thing going on, my addictions making me feel good and my feelings coming up at the same time to make me feel bad. I am eating the ice cream, loving it all so much and feeling good but at the same time feeling so bad, feeling all the feelings coming up as I am eating it about how useless I am, how weak I am, how much of a pig I am being, how much I hate my useless fucking self, how much I hate the lack of control I have, how much I hat that I need this so much, hoe much I hate that I cant do anything about it so I have to eat it, ahhhh so many bad feelings as the ice cream goes down so good, so bad, so good, shit what am I doing to myself, but its so good. I don't want to be with myself but my feelings kick in instantly and I am being with myself, feeling it all, its a double life going on like it was at home, they love me, they don't love me, a double life of not knowing what the fuck was going on, do they love me or not!!!! Do they want to be with me or not!!!! All of my childhood confusion coming up as I eat the ice cream I am hating myself and loving myself at the same time just like they did to me, this is how it was! All such a confusing childhood and I can see it all just through my feelings eating this ice cream, there is a confusing double story going on and it has to be that way because that is how it was for me as a child.
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Post by samantha9 on May 5, 2019 5:58:32 GMT 10
I am being the truth of how I was treated as a child every moment of every day, I can know how I was treated and what the truth was because I am living it, the way I treat myself, the way others treat me, the way I feel about it, its all the same as it was for me as a child, nothing has changed. If I want to know how it was for me all I have to do is go to my feelings and see how I feel about what is happening to me because it is the same as when I was young. I am living all the errors that were put into me at my conception, I am being them all. My whole life is showing me the truth of how it was. I am being just as unloving to me as my parents were, but they called it love. I believed them, I thought they were always right so I took it all on and now I can see how wrong it all was and I am living in that wrongness of their parenting and I have parented the same.
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Post by samantha9 on May 5, 2019 6:11:00 GMT 10
I am treating myself so unlovingly because that is how they treated me, its all I know and I believed they were right. I push to much food into me in such an unloving and uncaring way because they were unloving and uncaring about me, I treat myself just the same. I don't respect myself because they had no respect for me, they demanded respect from me. My whole unloving, uncaring, rejecting life is just me treating myself as they did like some brainwashed idiot who has only just woken up to it all and is starting to see it clearly and know the truth. Its been there all the time, I have been living it but it was so hard to see the truth when my whole life has been screaming it at me in everything that I have done, "This is how it was for you as a child Sam, the unloving way you treat yourself and how you are living now is the same as the unloving ways you were parented, life is reflecting it all back at you through the bad feelings in your soul, the truth of how it was for you." I have been living it but I didn't even see or know it. All the bad ways I treat myself, how I am hurting myself is because they did it to me first and now I do it to me.
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Post by samantha9 on May 8, 2019 5:44:57 GMT 10
I am feeling very depressed, so empty and pointless. I have no idea where I am going in life as there is nothing I want out of it any more. What is left for me?? I cant find any interest in anything, its all gone so what is there for me. Even something as normal as cooking, I cant see why I am doing it, it is so pointless and empty. I feel hollow inside, nothing to live for its all so unloving and pointless to live it without love and I don't feel any love in anything so what is the point. I question everything I do, Why am I doing it? its pointless to do it so why do it and I stop or begin something and then change my mind instantly and have to just stop because it is pointless. I feel so low and empty inside. Nothing fulfils me any longer, everything has come to a stop. Everything is dead.
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Post by samantha9 on May 8, 2019 17:20:36 GMT 10
I had a very strange but also very good sleep state experience last night. I felt myself being pulled upwards out of my sleep and into another state of being. I arrived to where ever I was to be met by a 7 year old little girl with ginger hair. I asked her "am I dead" she responded " You are not dead although in a state similar to death, but you are not dead" she was so lovely and so pure and she glowed and I noticed a breeze swept her beautiful hair across her face from time to time and the breeze was sweet and warm, it was so lovely. I kept asking her "Am I dead" and she was laughing softly at me and my shocked state. I wanted to know what was going on, why was I here, who was she? She told me I was in a place in spirit world and I needed to see it, feel it and have the experience to confirm to me that it was all real and it felt so real and so good, I wanted to stay with her, it felt so good.
She was constantly smiling and I told her that she didn't seem like a 7 year old girl and she told me she wasn't but this is how I needed to see her at this time and it was for me to work out why through my feelings. "Can I know your name" I asked her. She replied "Yes of course, its Elsa" and I replied in huge elation saying to her that I am so glad to know her and it was such a beautiful name as I threw my arms around her and we hugged and I was crying. I am so glad I can remember her name and the feeling of the place where we met, it was like nothing I have ever felt and I don't know if Elsa is a guide or Angel of mine but I know for sure she is a part of my group of helpers and it is so good to finally know one of them and to have seen and met her and more importantly, felt her, I could feel her and my connection to her and it is still with me now.
She asked me how I felt about meeting her and I told her that I was a little disappointed that she was a child and she asked why? I searched into my feelings about this and I always expected my Angels or guides or spirit helpers to be adults and experienced and I felt that Elsa being a child couldn't help me much, what use would a child be to me, I cant take a child seriously, a child helper cant help me, they have no wisdom or life experience to share with me, I want a grown up helper not a child, a child cant help me, its disappointing to be received by a child, what does a child know, I cant take a child seriously, a 7 year old little girl cant know anything, I cant take her seriously she is only 7, why cant I be greeted by a grown up helper someone who can help me, a child cant do anything for me, what good is a child to me, I want an adult spirit to help me , I want to speak to an adult spirit as I can take a child seriously. Elsa, run along and go and get me an adult to talk to. I want to make you into something different Elsa, I want you to be an adult. I don't want you to be you, I want you to be who I want you to be for my own needs. I don't want you to be a child.
She told me it was for all of my child rejecting feelings that she had to appear to me as a child. I had to feel the truth of how I felt about my own children and al of these feelings I felt about her, I also felt about my own children and about myself. Elsa has really heled me to feel the truth about how I feel about children, my own, myself and all children, I don't like them, I don't feel they have anything of worth to bring to me and this is shocking to see it, to know it and to feel the feelings I felt when I met Elsa, I was definitely a little disappointed with her not being an adult, I really did feel that she wants as important as an adult and I couldn't really listen to her or take her seriously and she already knew all of this about me and had to present herself to me as a child, to help me heal, she told me she wanted to help me.
The important thing wasn't who she is but how she made me feel and how I reject children and how I feel about them and all of these feelings have come up about children in general, I don't like them, I feel all of the feelings above and that is the truth. I have pretended to like children all my life when the truth is I don't and I have had to feel this truth because it is how I felt about my own children and that rejection of them has and is causing them so much pain and yesterday, I took my son shopping and when we came out two guys were leaning on the wall smoking and as soon as we walked out of the shop they started attacking us, my son in particular and it was awful, there was an altercation and a to and fro of obscenities, it didn't turn into a violent fight but it was horrible because of how my son looks with his Punk look, he is constantly attacked and yesterday I felt it and saw it. This is the attack he has always felt from me and his father, this is how he felt as a child, attacked, rejected, unloved, that he should be how we want him to be or he wont be loved and these two guys were telling him that too. To be how they want him to be, normal like them or he wont be accepted and will have to be attacked until he conforms. It is what I have done to him and this unloving attack was the result of my unloving parenting.
Elsa showed me how I felt about her being a child and I felt she had nothing for me and this is how I felt about my children. Fuck I feel terrible, I want to break down constantly, I have no energy to type hardly, I keep getting the words wrong and having to correct them and I am so fucked. I feel like the worst person in the world, the evilest and vilest person and Elsa has helped me feel this truth. I cant go on.
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Post by samantha9 on May 8, 2019 20:40:03 GMT 10
The only thing I have left to look forward to is eating. Is that really all I had to enjoy as a child?? Yes!!
Is eating all I had to look forward to?? its crazy but I cant think of many times I looked forward to anything, we did have good times but they are few, I just plodded on as a child doing what I was told and a few things I enjoyed but I cant think of many. Food, I enjoyed, seeing what was in my lunch box, then having school dinners and enjoying that, then going home from a shit day at school and having dinner, and sometimes a pudding, I looked forward to that. Then I grew up and looked forward to going out for dinner, cooking food, cakes, having birthday cake as a kid was always special, Easter eggs and oh it goes on, it was all about food and using it to give me good feelings and good memories. I remember the food and now it is all I have left in my life, everything else has gone and I am left with the one thing I enjoyed as a child, food. I relied on it to give me all of my good feelings and I wasn't even aware of it at the time. I didn't have mum and dad to give me good feelings so I used food and I am still doing it, it is the truth of what I did as a child, used food as a substitute for my parents love, I couldn't get it from them so I had to get it somehow so I used food.
Now there is nothing left but food, I shop for it, I prepare it, I eat it, I shit it out and then begin again, my life is all about food and with out it I wont survive, I will die, its my saviour, all I have to give me the feelings I need because I didn't get them from my parents. If I don't have food and the good feelings it gives me, I will die and I really feel like that. Without food there is nothing left for me because I don't have any love in me to take over from it. It should have been Love and that is all I need but its not, I don't have Love so I have to have food, I cant do without it because then I have nothing to give me love. Shit, Food has taken over from Love and it should be the other way round but its not. I have got it all wrong but its not my fault, if I felt loved I never would have needed food as I do, now I have to have it or I will die and it really feels like that, I even get physical reactions that make me feel like I will die if I haven't eaten all day, my body goes into shock and panic, like I have to get to some food and eat or I am going to die, collapse, pass out.
What a total fuck up, I have got it all wrong, they gave me food instead of love and I feel so terrible to be so bereft of love from them and they didn't even know what they were doing, they thought they loved me and now I know they couldn't have because I don't have Love in me, I have Food. Fuck it!!!!
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Post by samantha9 on May 10, 2019 19:49:51 GMT 10
Woke up with so much fear in me, I am so sick of it all. So sick of being scared about what is going to happen to me, it is a feeling that is always with me, fear for the future and I cant help it, it is a fear that is inside of me being so scared about the worst thing happening to me. I am in constant fear about what will happen to me as my money is running out and I will no longer be secure and all I can see is me losing all I have and by that I mean my home, car, no food, nothing, I will have nothing and that is how I see my future without money. And if you think I am being daft about this then ask yourself, where would you be without any money and not being able to pay your bills, mortgage, rent, food etc, you would soon be chucked out and rejected by society. That is all I can see for myself. I expressed it all to Trevor yesterday and I was so angry because he kept saying to me, "why do you only see such a terrible future for yourself, why do you see yourself on the streets and homeless all the time, you will attract such a negative thought to yourself if you don't change it" Fuck I was angry that he wants me to change my thoughts when this is how I FEEL! I wanted him to listen to me and not try to get me to change how I feel but to encourage me to express it all out of me but that is never going to happen. He told me I have to change it for myself so that doesn't happen to me, telling me how clever I am, how creative I am and can make money out of my talents or go and get a job. None of this helped me at all, it was all more mind shit to change myself and how I feel to make me feel good again and safe when the truth I need to feel is that I don't feel good and safe and I need to go into those feelings, not deny them by making myself feel good.
The truth is I am scared, terrified about what will happen to me without any money, I believe without money I will die eventually, be on the streets and I am so scared of going that way, being so cold, wet, hungry, alone, unsafe, attacked as homeless people are. I feel sick inside about this, I only have myself, no one else helps me although Trevor does help me sometimes with money but this is down to me for the first time in my life I am not being looked after and I am shit scared. Making it all work is down to me alone, Harry is gone, his money is nearly gone and maybe I can stretch it out until December if I am very frugal with it but after that, I don't know, I have no safety or security and even if I did get a job, earning enough to pay for the house and everything else is going to be very much near impossible. I love living here, I love my tiny little house, its where my children were born, its where Harry and me made our life and I don't want it all to go.
I want to stay here and do my healing but now I have this fear hanging over me and it is so close now to being real and I am so scared. As a child I loved my homes and settled into them and just as that happened my parents moved us away again and it was horrible to leave every friend I had all the time, so unsettling and sad to lose friends so I have made this house a home for my children so they can establish good friendships and be safe in their home life and settled and that is how I have felt to but now it is all about to change for me and all of those childhood unsettled feelings are coming back. Where will I end up?? I don't know.
I am so pissed off about having to do this all alone, just having people around me that want me to not feel how bad I am feeling when all I want to do is feel the truth of my bad feelings. None of them understand me, well, its only Trevor, I have no one else.
I don't want to go to work, I cant bear the thought of going back into society but if that is part of my healing, to do that, then I will have to but it would kill me inside to do that. It would be like going back to being a child again and having to do what I don't want to do every day, like going to school, waking up early and getting ready to go off to school but dreading every moment of it as I did. I would walk to school, not being able to believe I was ding it to myself and I can remember the feelings as I walked to school, a lot of the time crying because I didn't want to go. That is how I feel about working again and some jobs I have had I have done the same and as I have been walking to work I have been crying because everything in me screams "Noooooo" I don't want to do it until eventually I got so ill I had to stop working there and then the same would happen again and again with each and every job, well, nearly all of them.
I feel like I am in such a hard place right now, I am so confused as to what to do, I don't want to go to work, that is the truth but how do I live if I don't, where does the money come from to keep me going?? I feel so fucked into having to do what I don't want to do again and if I have to feel that deeper then I will have to do what I don't want to do and get a job and feel all the pain that brings to me, even writing that has put dread through me. It is such an unloving system to have to comply with, having to have money to survive and if you haven't got any then Fuck you! that is so unloving, uncaring to just reject people that don't have money to survive. I hate the whole monetary system, it is all so wrong and it is what man has created and if you want to drop out of that system then you are fucked. No one is going to help you if you want to go another way. It wasn't meant to be like this, I know it and I can feel it is true, we have made it this unloving way and it stinks. I hate it and I wish I could get out of it and be brave enough to do that but I am not, I am scared.
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Post by samantha9 on May 10, 2019 19:54:26 GMT 10
I just realised that no one is going to help me, I will be left to rot, no one cares. I have always had to do it on my own and this is showing me that truth, how alone I have felt with everything. No matter what I do, I cant get out of this, no help is coming to save me, no one is interested in me and no one gives a shit unless I comply with what they want me to do. I am truly on my own with this. I feel so lonely and I am already all of those things I am afraid of becoming, Inside, I am all of that already.
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Post by samantha9 on May 10, 2019 20:05:29 GMT 10
I just went out to hang the washing out and there was a dead baby chick on the path, been rejected out of her nest by her parents and that is just how I feel for my future and how I have always felt as a child. I will be that dead baby chick thrown out of her home and no one cares. Not a clearer message could I have received today. That is exactly how I feel for my future. Thank you God you have hit the nail on the head for me today, that is the truth of how I feel, discarded, rejected, of no use, not wanted, imperfect, that little chick is me and now what do I do with it, throw it in the bin, throw me in the bin and treat me just like my parents did, like every one will treat me if I am not perfect and complying with the norm. Throw me in the bin.
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Post by samantha9 on May 10, 2019 23:29:38 GMT 10
It is so hard to live in this unloving world we have created. I don't know how to live any other way except for an unloving way, mans way. I pray to Mother and Father to help me and show me because I just don't know what to do or how to live any other way but evil. "Please help me Mother and Father, I am so lost".
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Post by samantha9 on May 10, 2019 23:47:56 GMT 10
I am so angry and so fucked of that everything has to be so fucking hard, this healing is so fucking hard, the truth I am feeling is so fucking hard, this world is so fucking hard to live in, my childhood was so fucking hard so my adulthood has to be and I have to do it all alone because that is how it was for me as a child, y parents were there with me but not there for me as an individual so I have to now always feel so alone because when you have no connection emotionally, it is very lonely.
Maybe I have to just give in like I had to as a child and go and do what I don't want to do and get a job and see how it all feels, I already know how it all feels, it feels like shit, fucking shit!!!!!
Christ I am so angry that I might have to do that, fuck I just don't know, I am so confused. I hate this fucking world, I hate everyone in it, I hate it all, I wish it would just blow up, or huge tsunami waves wipe us all out. I am so fucking raging made that it is all so hard for me, I am so fucked off, I hate everything. Nothing can be good for me and go easy because of all of the denied and repressed childhood feelings I have in me that still need to be expressed, nothing was good or easy for me as a child, well, there were good times but as I am healing I am discovering they were not so good and easy and now my life is like that too, it can only be that way and I fucking hate it, I have had enough of feeling so scared and it is hard to believe that I was this scared as a child most of the time but I had denied it so much, now it is being shown to me. I have no more brave faces to put on as my mum would say to me if I was hurt, fuck that, I am fucked of and fuck the brave face, you just didn't want to know my pain and now I have to go through this shit life to get to feel it all again. I am so fucked off.
I have been for interviews, got the jobs on a few of them but not been able to turn up on the start day. I just couldn't physically go, I am like a different person and my soul is keeping me back, my feelings are saying "no fucking way" I just cant do it, so what do I do???
I don't know, I just don't know what to do Mother and Father!!!!!
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Post by samantha9 on May 11, 2019 5:42:33 GMT 10
I have spent the afternoon praying to Mother and Father for their Divine Love, I need them and their help so much and I turn to them to help me see the truth of how I am feeling.
I have been reading the prayer for Divine Love out loud to them and saying my own prayers that are personal to me and how I am feeling, longing to them to help me. All I can do is feel my way through this bad time and pray to them, they are all I have.
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Post by samantha9 on May 12, 2019 6:49:49 GMT 10
When I cant have something I want it feels horrible, I feel like I want it so much but cant have it but I have such a longing for it. This is how I felt all the time as a child, having to do without constantly because it was tough and hard for mum and dad as they never had any money and were scratching around for food at times. But even so, I still felt so depraved and I still do, I still have that childhood loss within me, that I cant have. I am so used to not having that I believe I shouldn't have what ever I want. It feels awful especially now that I am saying yes to myself more and more, I still feel bad, like I shouldn't be having it, its bad or naughty. This is how it was for me as a child and these feelings are still there, I am still that child who has to go without the things she wants because my parents cant afford it.
I was sitting on the loo just now and the thoughts came to me, how bad it feels to do without, say NO, cant have. Its a real soul sinking feeling to deny yourself your wants and needs. I wanted so much as a child and couldn't have it so I would go into a fantasy world pretending I had it and making up stories about having it with my toys. How I feel now is how I felt then but now it is me stopping myself having, I am being my parents to myself, their programming is still running in me that I cant have it and I have had a life of feeling bad and depraving myself of what I want, so now, saying yes to myself is weird and feels bad.
As I was sitting on the loo, the truth really hit me that I am still feeling the depraved child inside of me, this is how I always felt but had to deny it as there was nothing I could do to change it, I was under my parents control and what they said, went. I had to sulk and be stroppy and all pissed off with them in secret, I wasn't allowed to show my pain and anger at them for never having any money. And it occurred to me that all of these things I wanted were only wanted because I didn't have any love in me, they made me feel loved and I had to go without having those feelings I so needed, I couldn't get them from my parents so I needed stuff. Its no different now, I am still needing stuff to make me feel good, I am always wanting something to make me feel good, just like when I was a child, I want to feel happy and good and if I couldn't get what I wanted as a child, I went unfulfilled, unsatisfied and it is exactly the same feeling now.
I can see myself as a child wanting and needing things that meant such a lot to me, but rarely getting, I have such longings still, the feeling is the same and its alive in me now. Now I say yes to myself but feel so bad about it and even though I say yes to myself it is still just as unfulfilling and unsatisfying, good for a moment but I know it is not what I truly want, Love. I cant get it and I need it, I need it so much, its the only thing that I need and want but I cant have it, I long and long for it to Mother and Father and I get nothing from them and I know that this has to be this way because it is the truth of how it was with me and my parents when I was a child. Mother and Father are showing me the truth and it is bringing up all of the same feelings as when I was a child, they are the same, I cant have what I want and it is heart breaking, frustrating, disappointing, despairing etc.....
I couldn't have what I wanted in things or Love from my parents, this is how it was for me and all the feelings I am feeling now are from that pain. I cant receive Love from God when I long for it because that is how it was for me with mum and dad and I have to feel the pain of how that felt for me and it feels so hopeless and painful and so pointless in even trying.
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Post by samantha9 on May 12, 2019 21:03:07 GMT 10
I don't want to look after anything because I don't have the love in me to do it, or care about it. I was looking at my porch area of the house and it needs another coat of that protection stuff I use on it because it is made of wood but I looked at it and I know I must do it but I don't care enough to do it, I don't care about it, I don't have the love in me to care about anything enough to look after it. No matter what it is, myself, my children, my house, my friends(ha ha)I have none, my relationships, everything and anything, I don't have a true care or love for any of it because that true love and care wasn't put into me at my conception, birth and early childhood. I am living proof that I wasn't cared about as a child because I don't have that love and care in me as an adult to give it to anyone or anything.
It is all to much effort, bringing up my children was to much effort for me, I faked it all and pretended I was this wonderful Mother to my children because a bad Mother is so frowned upon so I faked it all when inside I was dreading it all, having to look after two other people, I didn't want to do it and I lied to myself, my children and everyone else that I was a loving Mother and my children are now showing me what bullshit it all was.
I cant love or care for anything, I don't have it in me to do so and that is the truth I am accepting and feeling how fucking devastating that feels, to have no love to pass on to anyone or anything. I don't love any one or anything and that is the sad truth. Anything I show any love for or care about, it is all false. I wasn't loved or cared about so how can I love and care about anyone/anything. I cant, its a lie I told myself just as my parents lied to themselves and me, they knew how they really felt but dared not ever say it, you are not allowed to be a bad parent, you will be hated and shunned for it, but I am a bad parent.
I AM A BAD UNLOVING, UNCARING PARENT.
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Post by samantha9 on May 12, 2019 23:23:07 GMT 10
Last night, before I went to sleep, I opened my heart to Mother and Father and longed for their Divine Love to flow into me. I began to feel my heart expand and open up to them and I did feel their love enter me and it lasted for a long time, slowing down and then I couldn't stop longing to them for more so it continued, such a great experience and it doesn't happen often for me so I was elated that it happened at all. While it is entering me I feel so good and Mother and Father are so real and it is such an intimate moment but the next day I always feel like shit with so much truth coming up and today has been like that, I feel good because of the Love I felt from them but the feelings are coming thick and fast for me to find the truth of. So I feel like I am running on two parallels feeling good and bad at the same time. I am feeling truth and knowing so much more about myself and it feels so concreted in me that this is the truth of me, there is no doubt, this is how I feel because this is how it was for me as a child and that truth is truth beyond any doubt, I can feel it. Like I am being show, this is how it was for you Sam, you are being it all the time, living the error of how unlovingly you were parented and I can see it so clearly and feel it as a certain truth.
I was in a shop just now and I had a longing for diet coke, I only ever drink water but I really wanted it and before I would have said no to myself but I bought it and I am sitting here drinking it and it tastes so good, I love it and I feel so bad. I am treating myself so badly putting this shit into my body but I feel I have to be the truth of how unloving to my self I truly am, because it is how unlovingly I was treated as a child and I want to know that truth about how I was parented, them not caring what I ate or drank, with no care. Now I am being like that to myself with everything I do. Just drinking water is all my mind telling myself I have to change and be healthy, treat myself well, but that is not the truth at all, I want the coke, I want to treat myself like shit, not caring what I put into my body because this is the truth of how I was parented so I have to be it, relive it and stop being someone I am not by only drinking water and pretending I am being so good to myself when my feelings are telling me something completely different. My feelings want the shit, fill my body with all the shit under the sun, chocolate, sweets, sugary drinks, saccharine and any other junk I can put into me because that is the truth of how unlovingly I was parented.
I was not taught to care about myself so me telling myself to just drink water is Bollocks, its all lies, I want coke, my bad feelings want coke, not fucking boring shit water, what is that boring stuff going to do for me, my feelings want coke to make them feel better, that sweetness making me feel good because I have nothing else in me, like Love, to make me feel good. This is the truth of my condition, I am totally fucked and I feel Mothers and Fathers Love has helped me see more truth about myself and the lies I tell myself to pretend I am not this fucked up person, unloved and uncared for by her parents so I now need shit sugary foods to make me feel some sort of sick Loving feelings.
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