Post by Samantha McCabe on Feb 5, 2014 0:11:38 GMT 10
I want to share a truly painful time in my life when I was crippled by my Feelings and the healings I have had revealed to me through doing my Feeling Healing. I begun to suffer with the worst Panic attacks from the age of 16, my God the most terrifying feelings arose within me and I stopped going out of the house, I was locked in by my fearful feelings. My life ended and all hope faded as I sunk into the deepest depths of depression and was put on pills and therapy, none of which worked. Many years I suffered in this way, feeling cheated out of having a youth, a life, I can remember looking in the mirror and asking God if they knew where I had gone, where was I, who was I, I wanted them to take me. Here follows an account of how I was feeling at the time and what my bad feelings have revealed to me by asking for the truth to be shown.
My question to God, Mary, Jesus was:
Why am I in fear, Why do I fear all life and the outside world, Why do I fear myself ?
My feelings go as follows:
Going out - feeling very scared, What will happen to me? I am not safe, everything will hurt me, it is to terrifying, I will have no safe place to go, where will I hide, what shop can I run into, Where can I hide until someone saves me, there is no one, there is no where safe. I cant do this, I need to be at home, I cant do this, I will be safe at home, I am not safe at home either, I will be left alone, on my own with just me, I am scared of me, I am a stranger, an imposter, I don't know me, who am I, I am the fear, the monster, I don't know me or my mind or my feelings, nothing is true, I am not true. So confused. God please help me, no one can save me from me, No one knows the horror I am feeling, this is all inside me and no one knows, I am so ashamed to feel like this, I will die if anyone finds out, I have to hide it, I will get told off, I want my Mum, I need her to make me safe, not Dad though he will be cross I can not express this to Mum because she will tell Dad. I have no one. I am not safe, I have never been safe, I am not safe, I am not secure. I am scared, I have always been so scared and do not want anyone to find me out, it would kill me I am so ashamed.
I went on like this for many years, I was exhausted and very alone in my inner world of fear. I looked to my Mum and Dad for the answers and only told them so much but the very ones that I thought would be able to help me, had no answers. They could do nothing for me, I felt abandoned. I had never received the love I truly needed from them as there was four children and a life of struggle, they gave love in the way they had been taught to love from their unloving parents, it was all they knew.
I was not safe, I had never felt safe and was brought up a lot of control from my Father and fear, our family motto was "Don't upset your Father" so every expression was supressed so we didn't anger him, as taught by my Mother. I was taught to be fearful of expressing myself in this world because that was how I had been taught from a very early age, expression will get you in trouble, every time my Mother spoke her mind are went against what my Dad thought, it would all kick off, very scary for a child to see, so you learn very quickly to shut up. I was not to speak up, interrupt, be heard of show off or be different, I was not to be myself ever, only be what and who they groomed me to be, an IMPOSTER. I did not Exist, I was dead. All those feelings showed me how unloved I was and how unloving I am. I was taught the world does not want to hear you, see you, feel you, you do not exist, if I expressed my self in any way, the world would hate me, be angry with me, so going outside was a place of hate and fear where I would not be safe. I was only safe if they were with me to control my every action so they could tell me how to be, what to say, where to go, I would not be safe to do anything alone as I do not know myself and they do. I will die if I venture out without my controllers. The world without them is a death experience, I will die without them controlling me, I will not be safe if I go it alone, how would I make a decision, how would I survive. Instead of giving me love that I needed so I could be a safe, secure, confident being in this world I had been taught fear and control and I would die without it so all my relationships were just extensions of needing to be parented and controlled, I would not survive without it. My Dad would say "Have you voted yet" you have to do it, so he was really saying that he still needed to be parented by the government or he would be out of control to. At the time I truly believed I could never exist without my parents, I loved them and they loved me so much they wanted to protect me and control me, I saw this as love until I begun to hear a constant voice saying "Sam, stop being Lazy" and it continued for many years and now I know it was God believing in me that I could do this, I could heal this but I thought I couldn't muster up the strength to come of pills and work it out for myself but I did. It took so long to work with the true depth of the feelings and tedious amounts of time of going over the feelings but it is the only way and slowly I begun to feel myself coming back to life, I was in there but buried so deep down and slowly the child begun to grow again in Love and truth, I was healing myself away from my Parents and resented all that they had shown me about how to be in this world. There is no other way to heal than to do your Feeling Healing and now I include the Divine Love of my Mother and Father and ask Mary and Jesus to reveal to me the truth of all I feel and they do, I now have my true family that love me unconditionally. I am getting there and I love the feeling of more revelations of my feelings, I am healing myself and feeling the Love of my Divine family.