|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 15, 2019 1:18:37 GMT 10
I am so fed up with being so cold all the time and having to sit under a blanket. I am freezing, my feet, legs and hands and my lips go blue, it looks like I am a corps with dead bluey/grey lips, yuk. I feel pissed of with it, I cant warm up and have to put the heating on and wrap myself up. I wish I could feel warm but I feel chilled to the bone, right through. I want to warm up and be comfortable instead of shivery and so cold. I want to close myself away and cuddle up under my bed covers to get warm, I feel so old and weak like this, not young and vibrant and warm, its horrible. It makes me feel ill and powerless because I cant change it, I cant get warm, I have to stay cold no matter how I wrap up. It makes me want to retract into myself, cover myself up, hide away, not be seen, its so uncomfortable to be so cold so much of the time.
I feel dead inside, dead and cold like stone. Uncared about with no love to keep me warm, no one to care for me and be concerned that I am so cold, I feel alone with it as usual, no one cares how I am feeling and that I am cold. I feel like a stone person, cold, stone and grey, dead.
Cold is so unloving.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 15, 2019 8:02:21 GMT 10
I am feeling so needy, so full of need, I am a need vacume, needing so much and having this unfulfilled neediness in me constantly, looking for anything to fulfill it, mostly food. I feel starved all the time of what it is I really need, the true nourishment I never got and I needed so much. I am seeking it out constantly whatever I can get to fill this need in me.
I am so tired of being so needy and not ever finding what it is I need, the only thing that will calm me and end my neediness. I am sick of living like this, in such need, feeling so depraved all the time, I am so sick of expressing all of my shit. I am boring myself with the same feelings, saying the same things.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 18, 2019 0:47:57 GMT 10
I hate myself. I am everything I hate about myself. I am being everything I tried so hard to deny being all my life. There is not one part of me I like, I hate the truth of me, I hate who I am. I hate the truth of my wrongness and being it feels like I should be annihilated out of all life. I cant love any of me like this. I hate all of me the way I am. This is what was under all of that pretence and believing I liked myself, it was all to hide this truth that is coming up now, that I hate myself the way I really am. Who could love it? ? I cant ever see a time when I might feel any love for myself the way I am. I am so wrong on so many levels yet I am so scared of how bad I am and being it scares the shit out of me but I cant help it, it is all coming out and I am being it and I hate it. I am so unlovable, I am horrible, vile and so judgmental of others, all the time and I am so aware of it but I cant stop being like it. Moaning about everyone behind their backs, having awful thoughts about people, shit I am vile and rotten inside. My neighbours like me and think I am a nice person but if only they knew what I think about them, what I say about them to Trevor and how annoying they are, him with his power tools, for fuck sake take a break and put it down, that noise of drilling, sawing, hammering all the time, its a relief when he goes to work but I go outside and hang out my washing and smile and say hello, instead of what I am really feeling, "You noisy fucker, stick you fucking power tool up your arse and drill on that!!!!!!!" that is how I really feel but I am to afraid to upset him or anyone by telling them the truth of how they are making me feel. Yes, I am horrible really and I hate myself. I hate who I am being, I hate the whole of myself.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 18, 2019 0:52:10 GMT 10
And I don't put those stupid unhappy faces on my posts, I disabled the function but it keeps coming back and I cant be bothered to change it. Looks so stupid and childish, I hate it but it is just bringing out more of my hate about things I don't have any control over, I cant stop them appearing and I don't want them, it is against my will to have them but they come up anyway even though I disabled it so its more of me having to put up with what I don't want. More of my will taken, more unloving parenting telling me I have to have it no matter how I feel about it, its not listening to me.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 18, 2019 21:27:06 GMT 10
Shit I have woke up feeling good. I feel like a sort of relief today, or even if it is just for this moment. I am relieved to be myself in all of my fucked up, negative ways, this is me, the full wrongness of me and it feels so good to finally be able to say that and mean it although meaning it on a knife edge because that could all change in a second and I could go back to feeling bad and hating myself. I feel a kind of residing to that fact that this is me and I cant do anything to change how I am, just keep expressing all the bad feelings when the come up.
I feel good about finally being myself, my fucked up self, I am this for now. I don't want to fight it any more, or at least for today, or even fight now. Right now I feel ok, I am this fucked up person and I am relieved to say that, the pressure is off trying to be someone else, some one acceptable to everyone else, shit as I said that I wanted to cry with relief as the pressure is lifting. Its amazing to feel like this. I am everything I have ever hated about myself, now I am it, being it all and there is nothing I can do about it and I finally feel good about it. For Now.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 19, 2019 19:17:07 GMT 10
Still feeling ok, the pull isn't in me to fight against myself at the moment, and I say that very tentatively, I am always waiting for the bad thing to happen. But I don't feel like I am hating myself so much, it feels like it has clamed down a bit, a lot. I am this way, I cant do anything about it and as I said that I felt even a flicker of excitement go through me. I feel like acceptance is creeping in and settling me down, residing myself to the fact that this is me, warts and all and I cant change it, only feel about it. Will I be accepted as a woman being who she is, I don't know!! I am learning to only just settle with it myself and it has been so hard, the fight I have put up I can now see clearly, it has been as struggle all the way because I don't want to be like this, I wont be accepted like this, like ME! Its so tough being me. I haven't accepted it myself, I couldn't, it is to gross, to awful, not pretty, not sexy, not appealing, not wanted so why should I want to be like that when all I have been throughout my life is so full of ego, wanting to be loved, fancied, sexy, adored, admired and all of that bullshit but its the truth, it is what I wanted from everyone, especially men. Now I am the opposite and I have come to it kicking and screaming and been dragged all the way so it feels. It is so hard and such a risk to be the truth, I risk total rejection and that is what I am now left with. No one likes it, me like this, I don't like it but in a way, I also do, it is peaceful somewhere in side me, I don't have to be anyone for anyone and keep changing for this person or that person, I am just the gross, ugly, boring ME that I have run away from all my life because she is so unlovable and now I am seeing just how unlovable that truth of me is. No one wants me to be like this, put some make up on, do your hair, colour it and get rid of the grey, lose the weight, wear nice cloths and so on and on and on, shit its hard work to be like that. I am very low maintenance now which I like, it is growing on me and I am feeling better about it only over the last couple of days though. So that's it, I am a bit of a slob when it comes to the truth, I don't want to do anything at all when I go to my feelings, I want to be lazy.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 19, 2019 19:26:07 GMT 10
For people to love me I had to change myself and make myself lovable in any way I could, I had to do that for my parents so I was more pleasing to them, be as they wanted me to be and then they would have their good little girl, just how they wanted her to be but now all of that has stopped and I run the huge risk of now being lovable any more, not good little Sam, but being Me! that's a risk for any child. Its scary, its going out on a limb (what ever that means but it fits). Its lone wolf stuff and I am scared of being me but their is such a pull for me to do this, I want it but I am scared of the rejection so I will have to take it feeling by feeling and let those feelings come and overwhelm me as they always do. I am scared of who I will become, I don't know what I will look like, how I will feel or who I will be, I don't know myself in any sort of truth so it is fucking scary to walk into being this, feeling by feeling, its a risk.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 21, 2019 4:40:52 GMT 10
I hate being my wrongness, I hate being everything I have denied about myself, I fucking hate how it feels, how it looks, I hate everything about me being like this. I am horrible, hateful, evil, I am nothing I thought I was, that fake me was acceptable, this isn't, its fucking horrible, the grossness of it all, being it, living it, seeing it, its just shit, shit, shit to live like this, I hate it, I hate me like this but it is me and I hate it. I am being the full hateness of myself and it is horrible, awful to know the truth about how I really am.
Its giving me the real shits, literally the shits, I haven't been off the loo for two days now because I feel so shit, constant diarrhoea, constantly feeling shitty with myself as I see what a shit I am. I see the truth of it and then have to run to the loo, what the fuck!! Everything about me gives me the shits.
I feel so unlovable, I feel like I will never be able to be loved and I don't even feel like I want to be, I am being to angry to want anything to do with anyone, everyone gives me the shits.
I sat in the bath just now and started crying to Mother and Father telling them how much I hate myself and how much I hate who I am but its all I am left with, the truth of all I have denied about myself, as it comes up I am then it and I hate it, I hate being it.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 23, 2019 22:32:46 GMT 10
Today, in the car I began to feel breathless and it scared me, it didn't go and I was struggling for breath. I have had this many times in my life and it is usually connected to Panic attacks. Its like a shock feeling so I have been expressing it to Mother and Father all morning. I got home and got the gear out to do the grass, the lawn mower and it was tough work, I was sweating loads and feeling really depleted in energy, my face was bright red and burning with the salty sweat. I finished the garden and put the stuff away, cleared up everything and stopped and sat down outside to have a rest and cool down, its been quite hot here over Easter. As I sat down the heat was rising in my body, sweat was pouring and I felt a bit of panic again and I expressed this and as I did I realised I couldn't get away from it, I couldn't escape what was happening to me, I was trapped and stuck in this overwhelming feeling that was happening to me and that is exactly how it feels when I used to have really bad panic attacks, I couldn't escape and I would always look for the exit of where ever I was so I could escape if I had an attack.
As I sat on the bench outside I let the heat, sweat engulf me and it felt awful, hotter than I had ever felt as it tool over, I couldn't do anything about it but let it have its way with me, I didn't want to, I wanted to feel the suffocation of it, the pain and near death feelings I was feeling. My hair was sticking to me as sweat ran everywhere, my cloths were stuck to me, shit I have never felt heat like it because I have always done something about it in the past like put the fan on, run myself under cold water, have a drink, put my hair up, have a shower but not this time, I let the heat overwhelm me and it was truly awful to feel it. I couldn't get away and now all memories of being trapped are coming to me from my childhood like, being in school assembly and having a bad cough, sitting right in the middle of the row so I couldn't escape and feeling like I was going to die from a coughing fit with everyone looking at me and I mean everyone, assembly had to stop while they got me out, how embarrassing but I was terrified when we were going in, begging God not to let me start coughing, but I did, it was so awful.
I have always had a fear of being somewhere and not being able to escape, being trapped, even within my own bad feelings that is why I could never escape with panic attacks because I was trying to escape from my own bad feelings , I was denying them all my life instead of turning it all around and feeling them instead of running.
Today the breathless episode did scare me but it has gone now and it did as soon as I began to express how it made me feel and then again with the over heating thing in the garden, it all disappeared as I was expressing it out of me and into the open. Now I feel so calm and I know more truth about me and how I tried to escape from my own feelings, I was trapped just as I was as a child, trapped in my inexpression of my bad feelings, having no one to listen to me so I had to keep them all inside me when I needed to communicate them, I felt trapped with them all inside me and I couldn't escape from them, I was trapped and this feeling of not being able to get away from them triggered the awful panic attacks that I thought I would die from.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 24, 2019 7:37:17 GMT 10
I am scared, so fucking scared all the time, every minute, fear. Scared of what's going to happen to me and always waiting for the worst thing to happen, shit I am so fucked of with it. Sick and tired with being so scared of everything. Always the worst thing is going to get me, its just waiting to get me. I feel a different sensation in my body and that's it, I'm going to die, I have cancer or something life threatening, its fucking draining to live like this. I am so sick of this!!
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 24, 2019 17:51:37 GMT 10
I have just found out that a dust cloud from the Sahara desert covered the South of England over Monday and Tuesday and has caused many people to have shortness of breath and advised people to stay in while it goes over. What an amazing feat of nature to get us all to feel so bad, I felt awful with my shortness of breath and shallow breathing, it brought back some old denied feelings that I hadn't felt and got me into those old feelings. I needed it, it made me feel scared as I wrote about two posts ago, it was awful to feel so suffocated and not to be able to draw a breath properly, it scared me and brought up all the fear I needed to feel. Even Trevor was struggling to breath properly and I asked him to tell me how it made him feel but he wouldn't go down into his deepest fears with me, I could see how uncomfortable he was but he didn't want to go any further than that he couldn't get a proper breath and felt awful not breathing right.
I expressed it all to Mother and Father and my breathlessness soon passed and I felt fine again but how amazing that we here in the South of the UK needed a kick up the bum to make us feel so bad as many did and probably on me out of the whole of the south understood why it was happening and I know that sounds big headed but I got it, I really did and now I am thankful for it and see all of the amazement of what happened and how awful it made me feel. It really got to those feelings I needed to get to and couldn't do it without that sand cloud making me feel so bad, so I thank Mother and Father and all of the Nature Spirits for their help in my healing, its amazing and thank you so much, I am truly amazed at the help given by spirit, not just for me, although I am now aware of what it was and why it happened, to make me/us feel bad but most wont be aware of that but I am. I was able to feel so bad, like I was going to die and how scared I am of that, yes, I am scared of dying and taking that last, final breath and as my breathlessness took hold of me I grew even more scared that I was not going to be able to breath and couldn't take a breath and that set off a panic feeling in me feeling like I would die, I am scared of that and in shock that it will one day happen to me, it is the biggest shock of all, taking that last breath, as shocking as it was taking my first breath as I entered this world, so will it be when I leave. I have never got over my first breath and the fear of what was happening to me as the air rushed into me. I was in panic and shock as I entered this world and that is how I will be when I leave, not being able to believe what is happening to me.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 24, 2019 18:36:42 GMT 10
I am feeling very strongly that the shock I have felt about dying, connected to my breathlessness yesterday, is the shock I felt at my conception, wow, what a shock that was and I am feeling it right now, that instant of change, of suddenly being aware of myself and everything around me, shit what is happening, this feels terrible, I don't want to be here, its dark and I feel locked in, trapped, how long will I be in here, will it be forever, I don't feel good at all, I am scared, I don't like this, I don't want this. I can feel all the panic and fear of not knowing what is happening to me or where I am which are feelings I have always felt and carried through out life and they all came right from my conception. I don't feel that any of it was a pleasure but a scary place to be and grow, not knowing what is to happen to me next or if anything would change or is this it for me. Then the trauma of my birthing process, feeling like I was being crushed to death as the contractions squeezed me and then stopped, then again with the squeezing, then stopping, when is this going to end, am I going to be ok??
It was all trauma right from the word go, nothing nice about any of it, all just awful feelings, panic and fear and not knowing if I would survive and those feelings are with me all the time in all that I do and they come from my conception and birth.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 24, 2019 19:18:41 GMT 10
Feeling more about my last posts, life has been such a huge series of shocks for me, that is all it has been, having an experience, feeling the shock of it and then passing on to the next shocking experience and it has now become normal, that is my life and I have learnt to deny the impact of it all, all of that shock because this is my life and this is how it goes for me, one shock after the other and all because that is how my incarnation felt, shock after shock, that feeling has carried on in my life until it has been normal for me. I feel shocked and don't know what to do with it so I deny the feelings of how it has impacted me and now they are all coming up for me to heal and Mother and Father and all of my spirit helpers are helping me to relive those shocks so I can feel them and know the truth, I want to know them all, I want them all to come out of hiding like scared little children hiding from me. I want to know the truth of how it was for me and that is happening. It is even a shock to finally know the truth, I have been so fucked up because I didn't know any truth, I had been so protected against truth like it was a very bad thing so I grew to believe that and when the truth was revealed, it has been a series of shocks for me, such a huge lie to live and that is a shock, the extent of the lie I have lived.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 24, 2019 20:41:28 GMT 10
I have just been talking to Trevor again about the dust cloud and the feelings it brought up in us both as he had suffered shortness of breath too, as I wrote about, and I was explaining the importance of it to bring up all of our bad feelings, I wanted to talk about it but yet again, it feel on deaf ears and I was denied. All Trevor is saying is it was so good to get an answer to why he felt so short of breath, it was the Sahara dust cloud and that is why I felt so bad, he is talking about it now as I am writing, how happy he is now to have the answer, it was the dust cloud not him or his health and I have just been telling him all about why it happened, because of our bad feelings, we need the experience to bring up our bad feelings and it did it. But he just goes quiet when I talk about feelings, he wont acknowledge anything I have to say about why we need these experiences and I feel so denied, so wrong and unimportant and not heard or listened to.
Now this dust cloud is bringing up this for me, how denied I feel, how I am not listened to or taken seriously by anyone. I don't ever want to speak again, it is pointless, I never get any response, I never have anything worthy to say that anyone wants to hear. No one wants to hear me, everything falls on deaf ears. I talk to Trevor about things and he changes the subject on me or doesn't reply and if he does it is with an answer he believes in all his wisdom, is the truth, what his you tubes are all about, his version of the truth. There is no room for me or anything I have to say, I believed him once and thought everything he had to say was so amazing but then I changed, when he wouldn't let me be a part it, only as long as it was in agreement with what he believed and was putting out there but I changed and he wouldn't accept me changing and still doesn't. It is like an elephant in the room, I try to talk about it but there is no room for me and what I feel and what I have to bring. We are two very different people now and we come and go with each other but I am never heard or taken seriously and I never have been, no one is interested in anything I have to say, Trevor isn't, not the 'Spiritual' stuff anyway. I know why I have him in my life and when I have healed all the bad feelings he brings up in me we will not need each other. He brings up so much In me to feel, so much anger about not being listened to about the important things, he is my dad, different, but he gives me all the feelings I need to feel. He wont accept what I have to say about Soul Healing through our feelings and our childhood repression, he closes down and I feel it so I stop, it is pointless, I am not heard, he doesn't want to hear me and that is just how it was for me as a child. I have never felt listened to or in anyone taking an interest in what I have to say so I have had little confidence to speak up for myself because I am not interesting, not right, boring and unworthy to speak up.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 24, 2019 21:04:04 GMT 10
I still feel like I should be seen and not heard, I still feel like a child inside that believes it has something important to say but isn't allowed to say it and keeps getting shut down so is left with all of these words in her throat building up and up and then has to swallow them down because they cant come up and out. I want the right communication with someone who wants to hear me and wants to tell me all of their feelings too, I ask Trevor how he feels and I only get the surface feelings, I would love for him to open up to me and we could both have this to and fro communication of feelings but that is just my fantasy of someone who wants to be like that with me. Just how I would have loved my parents to be with me, I cant even imagine what a loving relationship would be like between a Father and daughter, being able to talk or spend time with a father, I cant relate to men in that way yet I would love to, it wasn't how it was for me as a child with my own dad so it has to be like that in my relationship wit Trevor and other men, and it is, just like that showing me the truth of how it was for me, it cant be any different because I need to relive the truth of how it was and I am, its all so amazing how it works.
My relationship with Trevor is just how it was for me with my dad, not heard, shut down, overpowered, not being interested in me, not taking what I have to say seriously, condescending, its all just the same. Trevor talks about things he has heard from the likes of Bruce Lipton, Gregg Bradden, Osho, and many other of these speakers of the Minds way but he wont listen to me and what I have to say about the Feelings and how I am healing through my feelings and with God, he listens to them over me and it hurts me when he talks about how great they are in all they are saying, helping him to take his minds control even further away from his feelings. As he speaks I feel ripped apart inside, crushed and annihilated as he puts them above what I have to say, he thinks I don't know anything compared to them and what he knows, he is just like my dad and as I write this I can see it even clearer. I feel so destroyed inside at how denied I am and have been, I can feel my soul sink at the denial of me, by everyone. No one thinks I am worthy of anything good, I am just a dreamer, a little girl who wants to be something but is nothing really, how she has been made to feel.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 25, 2019 0:50:13 GMT 10
I don't know what to do with myself this afternoon, I am bored. I feel empty and at lost ends as I walk around the house for no reason. I have nothing to do and I feel bored and useless. Right in this moment, there is nothing, its empty and that is all I can see, emptiness. It makes me feel like I don't exist but in my head I have a voice asking me questions, like, "How does that make you feel Sam?" and I am answering them by typing them out. "Go deeper into the feeling Sam", I feel like right at this moment I don't exist and never will to anyone, I am a nothing person. "How does it feel to not exist" it feels so sad, so denied, I am here but not needed or wanted by anyone, what's the point in my life if no one wants to share any part of it with me, I am just a ghostly shell of a person floating around not being seen or heard only when someone wants something from me or to do something for them. "And how does that feel to be used in that way?" it feels devastating to me. Like no one really wants me and are just nice to me to get what they need from me. "And isn't that like how it was for you at home Sam" Yes it is just the same, I was used for their own needs just as I am now and no one really sees me or is slightly interested in me or asks me how I feel or how I am with any real interest in me. I feel so empty and so unwanted, so denied and crushed, thrown away inside. "This is the truth of how it was for you Sam, this is how you have always felt and now everything around you is happening to help you feel this truth of your Childhood" Yes I know it is true, I can feel it, I was not wanted and I am so sure of that, so sure, my feelings are telling me and everything around me is happening to help me feel the truth, it is true. I am only wanted as like a robot to every one, a servant or slave for them to feel good without receiving anything in return, I am there for them only, not for me.
"How are you feeling now Sam ? " Agitated!! fed up with being so subservient having to please everyone without a thought for me and how I feel. No one asks me how I am, no one is interested and that is how boredom feels, no one wants to be with me, no one wants to spend any time with me, no one takes any interest in me unless they want something, want me to do something for them. I don't feel like a person at all, just like a ghost.
I have nothing to do, no one to do anything with, no one is interested in me. I am a bored, lonely child who is fed up and has to put up with it all. No one wants to be with me, they cant wait to get away from me, they don't care about me being alone, lonely. They don't want to talk to me or hear me, I am a pain, a burden, in the way, another mouth to feed, another person to keep alive, "Why did we have all of these children" I can hear my parents thinking but not saying it to each other. I can feel it and I am in the womb, another mouth to feel, why did we do it, why were we so stupid, we cant afford another one, our lives will be worse off, its all that child's fault and I haven't even been born yet. I can feel all of their feelings coming at me, I don't feel any love only pain and worry from them, we cant afford another one but its too late now. I can feel it all, instead of being happy about my coming, it was all about worry and not being able to cope and my parents having sex on the night of my conception and hoping and praying mum didn't get pregnant and thinking how stupid they have been, I was not wanted right from the word go and so many babies are conceived in the same way. After the act, thinking and worrying about whether the woman is pregnant or not, hoping and praying she is not. All the thoughts and feelings of the unloving actions that could be taken if she is over what can be done with this new human being. Shit its all so awful and I have been there, I have been that woman just as my Mother was and now I am seeing it in my children, all the pain of not feeling loved, its all the same for them as it was for me because all I could do was to pass it on to them and I am paying for it now, I feel terrible for them most of the time as I see them in their lives, even the tiny things they do or say or feel, it is huge to me, it hits me with such huge impact and I mean things that most parents wouldn't even be aware of. Everything they do, I feel because I gave it to them at their conception, I passed on the pain to them and I am seeing just what I have done to them in every moment of their being. I am paying for it constantly and seeing what it is I have done to them and my compensation is the pain I feel, its like a prison sentence for me without having to go to prison, the pain is punishment enough, its bigger than prison can ever be, to actually feel the pain of what you have done to someone. Shit its like nothing on earth and as well as my own healing, I have the pain to deal with from what I have caused my two children. They didn't just grow like it, I put it into them, I shaped them to be as I was and I poured all of my pain and feelings into them, all of my deepest darkest secrets are living in them every day and I see it playing out in front of me, rubbing my nose in it, like God is saying to me "See Sam, this is what you have done to two of my souls". I was a normal parent, nothing out of the ordinary really and thought I was a good mum and they "Love" me but though my healing I can see that I am the opposite of what I thought. I can see all of the pain I have caused them and as I said, I am paying for it now and having to heal it within me and it is the toughest thing to do and see, just how evil I have been to them.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 25, 2019 0:53:31 GMT 10
My children are so much better off without me, they have flourished since they have grown up and I have backed right off from them since my healing. I have stopped interfering and now they are growing, they are so much better of without me. The worst thing for them was me and their dads.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 25, 2019 7:39:48 GMT 10
Its ten at night and my son needed to come over to talk to me about how he feels. He told me that he knows he isn't being himself but feels he is being his dad and Harry, all the men in his life and he hates it. I was so glad to hear him open up to me like this and we had a real chance to talk about it all and he was interested in everything I had to say and he said it was exactly how he was feeling. He told me he feels so fucked up by his dad and by Harry, both men who were very defensive when feeling attacked and Alex is the same and he said it just isn't him, he said he felt like he was and is being someone else, the men in his life and he hates it so we had a long talk about it all and he did most of the talking as I wanted him to go deeper into his feelings and with my help he was able to see the truth of who and how he is being in all situations in his life. He knows it isn't right, how he is being, he feels it is all wrong and said he doesn't want to be like this but he cant be any different, which is right, he can only be how we, his parents have made him to be and he is to be that and feel how it makes him feel. He is on it, he is opening up to the healing through his feelings and is beginning to get it with a lot of support from me. I want to hear it all from him, its all I can do to make things better for him and help him understand why he is the way he is. The great thing is he wants to hear me, he wants to heal and it will all be on his terms. I am here for him when he needs to talk about how he feels or even if he doesn't. I was just so happy to hear him talk it out with me and say to me that the men I chose, fucked him up and now he thinks he has to be like them and their programming and he knows it isn't him.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 25, 2019 17:23:36 GMT 10
Today I have woke up feeling the shock in me that was the shock of my conception, I can feel it, the fear, the panic and its always been with me manifesting itself throughout my life in all different events. The fear of what is happening to me, not knowing, not understanding, the confusion and catastrophe of what is coming next for me, shit its all fear that I still carry and its coming up for me to know where it began.
I still feel like that new baby being so confused all the time, in panic at what will happen to her, I feel like that all the time, the shock and panic, I can feel it in me now. So many events have brought this feeling to me to feel but I haven't understood why I am feeling this way, now I get it. It is my first shock, my first 'Big bang' into creation and is felt like a collision, an explosion, al very bad, not good at all, a horrible experience and so scary and so much of my life has been like this and I am always waiting for the next shock to come along. This is bad, very bad, there is nothing good about this experience, I had no idea what was happening to me, I didn't know any truth so was constantly confused looking up to my parents for the truth so I knew what was happening but they lied to me all the time because I was a child and they didn't want me to know the truth like it was a bad thing to know it, I couldn't cope with it and that is how they have been with me ever since, never telling me any truth, when bad things happen, they lied to me so I was always in confusion.
I was in the womb and the lied about wanting me, how happy they were, but I felt the opposite, that this was a bad thing that was happening, I felt bad about it because I felt their bad feelings, the ones they denied from each other, they thought but never dared say out loud, the truth of how they felt. I was confused at what was happening they were saying one thing but feeling another, what was the truth, the feelings of course. I always knew I wasn't loved, I felt it in me right from conception that I wasn't lovable and that is how I have spent my life, being unlovable, not being able to love, I cant give it or receive it because I wasn't loved truly as a child.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 25, 2019 17:38:40 GMT 10
Mum was shocked when she found out she was pregnant, it wasn't a good feeling or a happy shocked but a bad feeling and I felt it and I have felt her shock over being pregnant with me throughout my life. She was shocked, scared and in panic and that is how I have spent my entire life. My life has been a repercussion of her initial feelings when she found out about me, that is how she felt about me, the truth in that very moment of being told she was pregnant, I felt it and carried it on in my own life, being in a constant state of shock and panic and doom at what may come. I felt the exact same shock as she did when I found out I was pregnant and my children are now living with that first initial response that they felt from me when I found out I was pregnant. it was just the same, I carried that feeling from my mum on to my children and I can see it play out in their lives, confusion, shock, fear and panic at what is coming.
Mums initial shock is the first feeling of being unloved, unwanted and all those other horrible feelings. The dread she felt upon being aware of me coming has made me feel like I am always in the way, like I have to constantly apologise for myself because I am in the way, not wanted, always under someone's feet. I have to stay out of the way because I am not wanted. There is nothing good to live for because I was not wanted, I was an unwanted child but the pretended and lied to themselves that they oved me and wanted me but what could they do, at least an abortion would have been the true thing to do with me, get rid of me because I was not wanted. But they kept me and continued the lie, like "oh well we've done it now, its to late so we will have to go through with it". I have always been a pain, I have continued to shock them throughout my life, they never knew what was coming next from me and that initial shock mum felt for me, I have brought her that every day, the shock has continued for her and for me and now carried forward into my children.
|
|
|
Post by James on Apr 25, 2019 21:30:30 GMT 10
It’s all fantastic Sam, everything you write. It’s an incredible journey going with you as you write it all, so many feelings and you being true to them and where they lead you. I can see so much of what Marion and I have been through in what you write. The part about you feeling and being an expression of how your mother felt when she heard about being pregnant with you, all the shock and so on, I’ve not thought about that do with my mother so I will give that more thought and see if it brings up more bad feelings. I don’t know exactly what she felt, I never asked her and she never said anything, however for all I feel about myself and her relationship with me, I can guess.
Thank you again for documenting it all, taking the time, it sure is amazing. At times it’s too much, going on and on and too overwhelming with the horror of it all, however that’s how I am and have been with myself and my own bad feelings, so I’m only projecting that onto you. My refusing to accept all your bad feelings, as I’ve refused to accept mine.
And to see how accepting you are of all of yours, not refusing to feel them, wanting them all to keep coming up, not judging them, flowing with them no matter how bad they are and how much they mess your body around - incredible! And that’s great with your son, at least you have someone for a moment who looks to you and takes you seriously, unlike your parents; not that that is to stop you expressing the pain of feeling you are so alone.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 29, 2019 0:05:25 GMT 10
I am so bored, there is nothing I want to do, I don't feel there is anything I can do. Nothing appeals to me anymore, nothing has any interest for me, it is all pointless. Day after day is so empty I don't even know what to write next I am so bored. I can feel my mind wanting something to do, wanting to think up something so I don't have to feel so bored but my feelings are telling me it is all pointless and just more things the mind wants to do to keep me from my feelings. I am so bored, so full of nothing, so pointless, so meaningless, everything on this planet is, there is nothing good or true so why do anything, I cant.
I am feeling that even typing this is to keep me from feeling, I am doing something which fills my time, passes the time although I get so much out of it also as I write it. To feel so pointless is like not existing, I am of no use to anyone or anything, not needed so left out, not wanted, rejected.
Trevor just asked me if I wanted to go out and I said No! Go where, no where interests me and it would only be to avoid feeling my feelings, to fill in time so I don't have to be bored, more denial of my feelings. I would rather stay in and feel how bad I feel. He wants to fill his time doing stuff to avoid feeling bad, bored etc, he can do what he likes but I want to feel and heal myself, not pretend I don't feel these things and cover over them with drives in the country etc, its all so pointless, the bad feelings are still there when you get home, they go nowhere, we can prolong feeling them for as long as we want but they will be there waiting for us to feel.
There is just nothingness right here in this moment, the feeling of nothing which could go on forever. As I sit here I am hearing my mums words "go and do something with yourself" that never helped me when I told her I felt bored, it just told me she didn't want to hear it, she didn't want me around bugging her, she didn't want to do anything with me, she was an adult and I was a child and the two don't mix, she is in her world and I have to stay in mine. God I felt so separated.
Boredom feels like an eternity of endless empty space with nothing to fill it. Its a weird feeling, horrible and nagging, like a feeling I don't want to be in but I am and I feel a nagging in me to have some attention, like I am very small, about 3 or 4 and I am pulling at my mum, looking up at her as she does her stuff. I am pulling at her apron which is weird because I don't remember her ever wearing one, oh and there it is, she is wearing it because she is painting at her easel with oil paints and has it on. I am on the floor at her feet and tugging at her apron for her to stop painting and pay attention to me because I am bored but she doesn't want to stop. I am left bored and whining at her which is getting on her nerves. I am such a pain, stopping her doing what she wants to do, I ruin everything for her, she has to stay at home and look after me and never gets to do what she wants to do. She wishes she never had children, her life is not her own and never will be again. It is my fault, I am the pain in her life, she doesn't want to be with me and I can feel it. I don't have anyone who wants to be with me, I am always in the way so I am left alone while everyone else does what they want to do so they don't have to look after me, the pain.
I am so bored, no one wants to communicate with me because my parents didn't and it is still like that now, it has to be because it is the truth of my childhood and how it was for me. I feel like I want to go to sleep now, that is what mum would do to get me out the way so she could carry on, hoping that I would go to sleep and she can have some peace and feel free again, it will be like I don't exist for an hour. She is always trying to get rid of me so she doesn't have to spend any time with me and now, as an adult, I am doing the same thing that she did to me, put myself to sleep to get myself out of the way, not feel my pain, pretend it doesn't exist by sleeping, just how it was for me as a child.
If the child is bored, put her to sleep and get her out the way so Mother doesn't have to be bothered with amusing her. If I go to sleep it will pass time and I will wake up and it will be time for dinner, something to do. But sleep is just more denial of feeling my boredom. Put myself in bed and go to sleep like I don't exist. Boredom is like I don't exist.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 29, 2019 1:18:11 GMT 10
I can feel the little me still inside me raging with anger at not being attended to by mum. I feel so angry about it that I have been so denied and put aside. I want to scream in a frenzy of rage at how unloved I feel. You know like when you see a child playing up in the street with her mum and she is all red faced and wet faced with snot running everywhere and screaming in her buggy, writhing around in her straps, that is how I feel. I am still that 3/4 year old wanting to throw myself about in a rage at how bored I am and no one cares and the parent just thinks in that moment how much she hates her child and cant wait to get home and scream at it, she is so angry at her child and hates it so much at that moment.
I feel like that child. The boredom makes me feel like that, so unloved, denied and uncared about, no one cares I am like this, no one wants to listen to me or pay me any attention and that makes me want to rage at them about how little they care. What am I here for? what's the point in me? I feel so useless and so in the way. Why did they have me? I just cant see why! Why have such a life long commitment when you don't really want it, when it is something that just is under your feet all day and is such a drain on you. Why? Its cruel to bring a life into this world and the reject it so. Getting bored with it when the newness runs out and then just doing what you need to do with it just to keep it alive because neglect is against the law and you might get in trouble. The neglect is felt if not shown, neglect is the truth and all of the depravity that is felt along with it and it shows itself in every aspect of my life. And I believed that I was such a loved child and wanted. I denied my true feelings until now and that denial has caused me life long pain that I never understood the causes of until now, it is all so apparent now, so clear, my feelings are and always have been telling me how it really was and is.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 29, 2019 8:15:45 GMT 10
Having a terrible evening, feelings coming up in me about my Son and how hard his life is because of how his parents, me, and carers treated him as a child. I am feeling devastation like I have never felt it before and constantly crying at what I have done to my poor children. Why did they have to have such awful parents such as my and their dads and such useless Grandparents, so unloving all of us, so unworthy of children.
I feel sick, I am all knotted up inside my stomach with such unbearable pain as I talk to my Son and listen to him telling me he hopes he dies soon so he can get out of this pointless world with such unloving people. He means it and I understood what he was saying. Now he has gone home and I am in bits inside, I am completely fucked, a wreck as I see it all, all of my unloving parenting being rubbed in my face and the pain my Son is in, its unbearable to watch as he struggles through his life and wishes he was dead because he doesn't fit in anywhere and that is because he didn't fit in, in his younger family life. My poor, poor children to have a mother such as me. I have ruined them and I feel like dying. Nothing can be as painful as this and how I am feeling right now, it is so much worse than feeling my own pain, the pain I have caused them is so much worse, I have hurt them and I didn't even know what I was doing. I am a terrible person, mother, human being, I am the lowest of the low and Hell is to good for me.
There is no pain like this, the pain I have caused my children and as I have said so many times, I believed I was a good and loving mother to them and it is not until I begun my healing that I can now see the truth of what I did to them. I am the worst and don't deserve them. I have never felt so bad, nothing can touch this pain I feel. I did this to them and now I am paying for it. This is Hell for me. I feel so sick inside and hopeless for myself and them. I truly am the worst. The worst thing for my children has been me and their fathers.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Apr 29, 2019 8:30:32 GMT 10
Oh my God what have I done to my children. How could I have been so unloving to them to cause them to have such pain in their lives. To be treated so badly by other people, they don't understand why people are so horrible, my Son gets abused every day by the public where he works and he cant cope much more with it and all I can do is listen to him break his heart to me about it and how horrible people are to him. I know why! I understand why it has to be this way for him and its all to make him feel as bad as he did when he was a child, as rejected and hated as we made him feel even though I thought I loved him, the truth is now being shown to me and I was so wrong. What the fuck have I don't to them both. I don't feel I can cope with the pain of this truth, It is so hard to see it all and feel the crushing pain of it but I have too, I did it, its the truth.
I was rejecting my Son all the time and putting my business in front of him, my business was worth more than he was, he got sent out to carers and nannies while I carried on my life as normal and let someone else look after my child. I have talked about this to him and said how sorry I am for how I treated him and he says " I understand, you had a business to run", he even puts the business before himself because it is what I did. I taught him not to put himself first, ever. Everything is more important than him, he was in the way of my business and making money and gaining power, what a fucking bastard of a mother I have been, rubbish, totally rubbish mother. Fuck I hate myself right now, despise myself for what I have done and even made my children believe the way I did it all was the right way and money comes first. I put everything before them and I wish, more than anything I could do it all again, the right way as I now know it, putting them above everything. I feel terrible, there are no words to describe how I am feeling, I want to be sick.
|
|