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Post by samantha9 on May 12, 2019 23:46:59 GMT 10
I can only be the untruth of my bad feelings, everything I do is untrue and evil and against myself just as my parents raised me to be and if I try to change that and be anything different, like good, then I am not being true to my untruth, I am letting my mind take me from those bad feelings and make me believe I am good when the truth is I am bad, just how my parents parented me to be. My whole life I have let my mind take me away from the truth of my bad feelings, now that has ended and I am being, living the truth of my untruth, I am living the whole fucked up state of me without trying to be something else, something good and healthy and how everyone wants me to be. I wanted me to be like the way my mind would like me to be, strive to be so accepted and as perfect as I could be so everyone loved me but now that has all gone, I cant be that, I cant change myself from being this untrue, evil, fucked up person that I have ran from all my life, I am now being everything I hated about myself and tried, al my life, not to be. I am now the 'ANTI-SAM' and through being the 'Anti-Sam' I can see the truth of my fucked up state and the truth of how I was parented, all Anti myself. Now I have to be that 'Anti me' being and see all of the ways I am against myself, truth, love and God, all the ways my parents took me away from my true self, who God created me to be. I am seeing it all so clearly and when I receive Gods Divine Love it makes it all the clearer for me to see the truth, the feelings rise in me and I see the truth. Amazing.
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Post by samantha9 on May 12, 2019 23:57:46 GMT 10
I cannot stop myself being like this, I cant change it. All of my compulsions, addictions and wrongness has been ramped up and its all I can be. My whole way of living is so wrong and so against myself, truth, love and God. I am so far away from anything like a loving being, I cant be that at all, I am the most unloving being, the furthest from truth and love I have ever been and there is nothing I can do about it. This is the truth of ME, everything I have wanted to hide about the bad side of me, I am now being and I feel so hopeless in it all because I cant get out of it. Its the truth of everything I have hidden about myself, I am now it. I cant change or be any different, God wants me to be like this so I can see the truth of how unloved I was as a child, how I was brought up to be against Love and now I am living it fully, a loveless life and seeing all the ways I hurt myself and others and it is truly awful but I can stop it. Only God knows when I have accepted, expressed and found all of the truth of my unloving, negative state of being and when I have seen it all, well, I don't know what will happen, will God change me? I don't know, I have no idea, I will have to wait and see but although this is hard and painful, I cant be any other way and a part of me feels so good about it too because in me I have the feeling that it is right, I am going the right way and I know that is true because I feel it without any uncertainty that it is the right thing to do so I keep going because it feels so right, yet so very bad in the way of what my bad feelings bring up for me to feel.
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Post by samantha9 on May 13, 2019 0:27:24 GMT 10
I am sorry but I have to write more about my fucked up state. I feel so good about being it, not like I am wanting to be evil or happy about it in a fuck you sort of way but I feel so good about knowing, through being, the truth of it all, I am so glad to be seeing the truth of my untrue state, I want to know the truth of me and I am being it and no longer denying it is me. This is how I am warts and all and I was so scared of it, running from it all my life, having panic attacks in case any one found out the truth of me, having to be so perfect was so hard to maintain, I couldn't do it, I kept failing and the truth threatened me that it would come out and show every one what I am truly like and now I am being it and it is so freeing, well, right now it is. That can all change in a second but right now I am feeling elated about knowing the truth, being the truth of all my denied parts of me and as I am being them, feeling every bit of it about how I feel to be so fucked up, how I feel to be those bad, horrid, unwanted parts of me.
I didn't want so much of me, I wanted to be a different way, a way that was wanted and accepted so I threw most of me away and denied those bits of me. How could I know myself when I hid the truth of myself away, all the bad bits I so unlovingly hid away and I was terrified they would keep coming out of my inner closet, there was so much of me in there the doors couldn't shut properly and they kept busting open and exposing the bits I wanted to keep hidden. I don't have to do that any more, the closet is wide open and all of my shit is spewing out all over the place and it is a right fucking mess but I fucking love it, shit I feel so great right now. Yes I am so fucked up, I am all over the place and I cant control anything anymore, I am a mess but this is the truth of me, its the truth of all of my denied, hidden bad parts that I didn't want anyone to see, I am gross and it is such a fucking relief to be gross and not hide the truth because of what someone might think of me.
Fuck I am feeling so good getting this all out of me, I am so wrong in every way and I feel it is ok to be that because it is the truth of me and I cant help it, it was how I was parented and I believed it was the truth. Shit I am feeling so good, I have never felt this good, I want to cry with overjoyment about how good I am feeling about being the truth of all of my unloved and unwanted parts. Fuck it, this is me and I have been so ashamed of it all and that is so sad, I want to give myself a hug and tell myself its ok now, I can come out and bring all of my shit with me, all of my baggage and all of my bad parts, bring them out.
I feel Gods Divine Love has helped me shift so much today, I actually am feeling good about myself, like I am shinning if I can put it like that, glowey and radiant, that is how I am feeling and that is a fucking miracle.
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Post by samantha9 on May 13, 2019 0:43:14 GMT 10
Oh my God more keeps coming to me, I don't care if I don't change, right now I feel like I could stay like this, loving all of my imperfection and fucked up state, just loving it, knowing it, understanding it, allowing it, being with it completely, no longer denying it is who I am, no longer being so ashamed of it all. I feel like I could just be with it all and be ok with it, not wanting to change any of it but the love I am feeling for all of my bad parts, the denied and repressed parts of me, I could just let them be a part of me yet no longer be them. I am finding this so hard to express because it is so new to me to feel such acceptance of myself. What is it I mean!!!!!
I don't want to change myself, I am feeling love for myself, I just want to allow myself to be the way I need to be and let it all come up and out. Fuck, for the first time in my life I don't want to change myself, not one bit of myself, I want it all, all of the shit, it is me and I want it all, it is mine and I care about it, I want to give it love and I can really feel that, I feel sorry for it and I want to nurture it, mother it, love it. I want all of my denial and suppression to come and be a part of me in the open, I want to get to know it all so I know who I am, so I know all of my pain, I don't want it all hidden any longer. I want it all out into the light because it is all me and I don't want to change any of it, I don't want it hidden, I want it to be known, wanted and loved.
Yes, I no longer want to get rid of any of it, it is all me and I want it back, all of my lost parts. I don't want to change them, I want to know them and accept them as a part of me and live with them, make peace with them and stop running from them/me.
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Post by samantha9 on May 13, 2019 18:26:11 GMT 10
I felt more love enter me last night and today more truth is coming up for me to feel. My realisation is that my life has never been about me but about what I can do and it is that, that has got me noticed, the me part has gone unnoticed or not seen. I have believed that the way to gain worth has been through what I can do or know and me alone was worth nothing, its all in what I can produce that gets me recognised and that has been the underlying drive behind me always having businesses, or doing this and that, its never been about me but what I can do. I can remember as a child making things for my parents out of any old stuff and showing them and waiting for thier reaction, "what a clever girl you are, look what you have made" and so on but it never felt like it was about me but the object I had made that had their attention so I thought that if I keep making stuff and make it better each time I would get their attention and love so that is what I did and I have done it all the way through my life. Crating things, being artistic and creative has only been to get their love. I would do someones Hair or make something and they would love it and say how clever I am, just like mum and dad used to but it always felt like I was left out of it, they would only see the hairstyle, or the product I had created but never see me. They would look at themselves in the mirror and love what they saw but never see me.
I remember a few years ago when I had the shop, my parents came down to say hello to me, they came in and I had a lot of the mosaic stuff in the shop that I had made, mum saw a table that I made and she was loving it and she said to my dad "Look Jim, have you seen this table" and he said "Yes, I have seen it before" without even looking at it, he had never seen it before. Even now this hurts me, how he wasn't interested in anything I had made and it was always the same, as a child he was never interested just saying the usual bullshit parents say without any feeling or truth behind the words.
I have spent my whole life making things for people, being creative, thinking I am just an artistic sort of person but it is all wrong. I have done it all just to grab my parents attention and I learnt at a very young age that by making things for them, I could feel some sort of love from them, but ti wasn't love at all, it never entered me as love, just a minds idea of love, it never entered my heart but stayed in my mind. It was only words, never personal to me, I never felt they were interested in me, only what I could do and make, it never went beyond that. They never looked into my eyes and said "You create great and lovely things but they could never compare to the creation of you", some thing like that, you get it! It was never personal and now it is so hard because I put my own value into what I make and do, it is never about me, never personal but always outside of me, I have to make something to feel of worth and value, if I am not making anything then I don't feel worthy or of any value to anyone and that is because of how it was for me as a child. I was worthy and valued when I was making things, when I wasn't, I felt denied completely, they weren't interested in me at all and I went unnoticed and unseen so I made sure I was artistic and good at making stuff so I got their attention when I needed it.
I looked for that same attention in all of my customers and clients over the years, I was still looking for my parents approval of me, interest in me, through my clients and customers. Still addicted to their reaction to what I hade made, it was how I got my loving feelings from my parents and I was addicted to doing it, needing so much to get my loving feelings somehow so I created businesses where I could continue my addiction and receive the feelings I needed from others to make me feel good, worthy and valued.
When I had my last shop, I was doing my healing and suddenly things stopped selling, people stopped coming in and I was left in pain, in frustration and my addictive feelings of needing people to make me feel loved were not being met. Shit it felt terrible, I was feeling so denied, lost, pointless, hopeless, not wanted or loved. I wasn't getting any sales, I was totally invisible, I would watch people walk past the shop like it wasn't there and it made me want to scream "Don't you fucking see me" it made me want to drag them in, force them to see me, make them love me, I did all I could to attract them in but nothing worked and the business closed. I was finally able to feel the truth of how rejected I felt by my parents not being interested in me, not even seeing me only what I had made. I felt terrible inside. When I lost the shop I was no longer making stuff, no longer creating and I felt empty, no one to show off to and not receiving any attention to make me feel loved. I was crushed.
All the time I have felt like it isn't me that matters but what I create, the creator is invisible and must stay that way and it felt wrong for me to get any praise, I didn't want them to give me the praise but just love my stuff, just like my parents did. They didn't really see me, only what I had made and I wanted it to stay that way. I had no value and it made me angry if anyone focused on me and not on what I had made, its all about the product, not me, I don't exist and I get all of my feelings from you loving what I have made, not you loving ME! that means nothing to me. I mean nothing to me or to anyone, only my creations mean something, not me. I mean nothing and that is how \I have always felt it to be and by writing this it is cementing it into me as truth, I can feel it is true so it is so important that I write it and it might not make sense but to me it does and expressing it like this is vital to me understanding it more and deeper.
I feel that without making things and being artistic, I am nothing, but all of my creativity is another addiction, a compulsion to be loved, it is just more of what I do to get my the feeling I need from others because I don't have it in me already, I need to receive those feelings like it was when I was making things for mum and dad as a child, I loved those feelings, how proud they were of me for making something out of loo rolls and material, I must have been 5 or 6 but it is as clear as day and it is those feelings I have always strived to feel from others, all my businesses have been based on getting those same feelings, to feel loved.
Its all a craving, a frenzy to feel loved in any way I can, even though its not me they love but what I create and it has to be that way because that is how it was with my parents, never about ME and that is so painful. I don't feel loved unless I am creating something, making something for someone and now I can see exactly the truth of why I have done it, just to be loved. Its how I get my kicks but when it is all gone and no more is being made and no one wants anything from me, how do I feel? Unwanted, uncared about, empty, Nothingness, unloved, denied and all the other unloving words I could use, very alone and without any true, real love. Its so good to know this truth about myself.
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Post by samantha9 on May 13, 2019 18:27:44 GMT 10
It has all been just to get people to want me, nothing more.
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Post by samantha9 on May 13, 2019 20:05:40 GMT 10
I feel like throughout my life I have just had to get used to not being loved how I needed to be. It became natural, I was born into it, I wasn't aware that I wasn't loved and I believed that this non-love state of living was love. I have had all no-loving relationships and just put up with it until it became natural. Now, today, I feel like the only love I need is the love of my Mother and Father(God) I have their love now and again and it helps me to heal, it brings up all of the denied and supressed feelings from my childhood that keep me from love and myself. Their love is so loving that it helps me to heal, it feels good but also pushes up the feelings of pain that I need to feel. That is how it feels to me, when I receive their Divine Love it feels good, very good and then comes the bad feelings as I ask them to help me to feel all I need to feel so I can grow closer to them.
Living a non-loving life is normal and I believed it to be love although I never felt it as very loving, it was all in my mind and not like Mother and Fathers love, in my heart and Soul, I can feel it in a way that I could never feel my physical parents love.
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Post by samantha9 on May 14, 2019 18:51:46 GMT 10
Still feeling, even deeper today, that all I need is My Mother and Fathers love. I have nothing else, nothing I do works in life, I try this and try that and nothing works, its all leaving me and all I am left with is longing for My Mother and Fathers Love, everything else is going. It feels like every day now It is getting closer to it being just me and them and the rest of the world is being shut out as I am seeing more of how nothing works for me in this world, only Mother and Father.
Since all of these more recent breakthroughs I have been having I am feeling like all I want to do is be in prayer with them, just to be with them. That is how I feel right now but there is still a part of me that is feeling where does that fit in, in this world, it doesn't and that scares me, I feel out on a limb with it but I will keep asking Mother and Father to help me feel about that. I just want to be with them, in prayer.
It could all change tomorrow but today, in this moment this is how I feel.
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Post by samantha9 on May 15, 2019 1:44:42 GMT 10
I have been doing the garden today, getting rid of some old plant pots and other stuff, cleaning up outside and taking to Mother all day and when I talk to her I cry, I cant stop it, it just happens so I have spent all day crying on and off. I have been longing to them both for their Divine Love and feeling the frustration of not getting it when I ask, I want it every time from them, I am so needy for their Love and Mother told me that she wants me to greive for the love I never had from my physical parents, she told me to feel the pain and grief of not receiving the love from them when I ask for it, it is the same pain I am feeling and the more I let the grief come out of me them more I will be able to receive from them but they cant keep it coming when I still have to feel the pain and loss of not receiving love from my physical parents. If they fill me with their love constantly then the true pain will still be inside me, it will just be over riding it and they wont do that and when I cry and get angry at Mother and father for not giving me their love it is really aimed towards my physical parents, that is how I felt as a child not receiving it from them and I denied it, put it away inside me and now it is coming out when I long to Mother and Father but don't receive anything.
I get it, I understand what Mother is saying to me and I know the pain is from my childhood and they are helping me feel it by only giving me a little bit of their Love now and again, the rest of the time I am left to feel the devastation of not feeling loved which is in me from my own parents on Earth.
I am feeling so much closer to them at the moment and feeling Mother with me as I did my earth Mother, we were closer than me and dad so it makes sense for Mother to show me the truth of how it was by us being together and me feeling her with me. Father has taken a step back I feel and is showing me how it was with my dad, I look for him as I did with my dad, I looked for his love and never felt it. I feel like I had to be the one who had to give it to them because Mother has just helped me see that is the truth by showing me a memory of about ten years ago I hugged my dad and he hugged me back and it felt so loving I wanted to cry, like I do now by remembering it but I instigated it, I went up to him as he was leaving my house and I hugged him fully, with all of myself and he was shocked and hugged me back and he said to mum that it was the first time he had ever felt loved by me and when she told me it after, I felt like it was all up to me to love him, not for him to have loved me like that when I was conceived and throughout my childhood, it was never like that. He was waiting for me to love him, it was my duty to love him and honour him, it is always my fault, it is always "Sam never shows love, she never cuddles us, not even as a child did she" I have heard it all my life like it is my fault and they really do believe that is the truth, they blame me for not loving them because they believe they are the most loving parents and don't know what went wrong with me.
I feel I have always been flawed, something is wrong with me that I cant love and they have made me feel like it is my fault, nothing to do with them, I believed them, I believed it was my fault, they must be right but I was taught by them to be like that, responding to how they were with me, how else could I have been like that without them being like it, they showed me how to be so unloving and they will never believe that, I have told them but they deny it all and still blame me and I am so grieved by that, that they have always thought me being so unloving to them was nothing to do with them and all to do with me, its so fucking unfair for them not to see it. I feel so sad for myself having to deal with that guilt all my life, like I was some sort of freak.
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Post by samantha9 on May 15, 2019 18:16:48 GMT 10
I woke up about 7.45am today and my first feelings were about feeling bad about doing the same thing over again, the same pattern. Get up, go wee, go downstairs, unlock the back door and step outside, go back in and have toast and put my computer on, its the same every day and if I change that pattern it would be by using my mind to do so, making a decision to do it differently and I don't want to do that so I do the same realising I cant change that, I am in a program to do the same thing every day like a dumbed out moron who cant diverge from the set program and it brings with it the memories of that being how it was for me as a child with my parents, every day being the same with me ending up at school, doing the same thing again and a feeling has just come to me of not being able to believe I was going off to school, I was very young and in shock that I was being separated from mum, I can feel the shock now and I feel that same shock in me at the thought of maybe having to go and get a job, it is a horrible shocking feeling doing something I don't want to do but being made to do it, its such a horrible feeling even now.
I don't want to do the same thing every day but I cant do any different, I am set in it as I was with mum and dad. I have to stick to the routine they set for me, every morning this is what we do. I hate it about me but I cant change it. I am addicted to my routine but so sick of it. Its so meaningless, there is nothing in it, just mundane things that I do everyday and I know that tomorrow is going to be the same and that makes me feel so numb and programmed like a robot with no will, just numb. Nothing good or interesting happening, just the programme, nothing to look forward to tomorrow just the same old shit and I realise how important this is to me because it is showing me the truth of how I felt as a child about my life back then and how uninteresting it was to have to do what my parents said. Get up, go wee, go downstairs for breakfast, get ready and go to school and that has been my life everyday since. I cant break out of it, there is nothing else for me but the routine my parents have set for me but not I am doing it to myself. Nothing I do is worthy, its all just boring and mundane, there is no excitement or spontaneity, just the programme that has to be stuck to.
The Beatles song has just entered my mind "Every day she takes a morning bath she wets her hair, Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair, It's just another day, Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes, Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat, It's just another day..." and so on the song goes so sad, so sad sometimes she feels so sad, all so fucking mundane drifting off wishing some man would come and save her from herself in some fantasy world she goes to because her own life is so boring and unsatisfying being in the programme of every day life. Everyday I wake up and do the same things and I have to do them that way, I cant make it any different just as I couldn't with my parents, it had to be their way not mine and I am still doing it their way, its so ingrained in me and I hate being like it but I am.
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Post by samantha9 on May 15, 2019 18:45:13 GMT 10
I feel so bored, so mundane in the life I have. I do nothing but sit on the couch, the spot I sit in has an indentation where I sit just to remind me when I look at it, that I sit there to much doing nothing, I am embarrassed about that spot that I have carved out for myself on the couch. It is a tell tell sign to everyone that I sit there all day doing nothing, being my pointless self, and that felt good to say that, I really felt that as being how I have felt all my life, pointless so me trying to do all I can to prove I am not pointless, but now I have been brought back to the truth of how I have always felt, pointless. I am sitting in that spot right not typing this, dressed in my pink dressing gown as I always am. My life has come down to this truth, me having no meaning or purpose any more and everything that I thought gave me meaning and purpose was all a lie, all an avoidance of feeling the truth about myself, all my parents wanting me to not be the truth but to be someone of great meaning and purpose, well, that's all gone now because it was bullshit and all I am left with is this truth of how I have always felt meaningless and purposeless.
Everything that gave me any meaning was all bullshit all pretend success and power, I have very little power and no meaning, it was all my parents and how they wanted me to be. None of it was really me. When all of that is stripped away this is what I am left with, the truth of how I really felt and I feel it is ok to feel like this and I want to know the truth of every feeling of denial that underpinned any meaning or success that I had, it feels good to know the truth of the pain that was driving it all, all so I didn't have to feel that pain.
my parents wanted to be able to love me so I had to be a success, as they wanted me to be so they could love me. Being the truth of how I felt was unlovable to them so I had to deny it and push it down and over ride it with my mind taking over, taking control to be a success just as my parents wanted me to be. This dangerous denial of my feelings nearly killed me many times in my life, all so they could be proud of me and love me I was will in to die for their love, which wasn't even love but hate of the true me, the me I had to hide from them and myself, they taught me to hate myself, the true me, my feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on May 16, 2019 17:07:31 GMT 10
I am feeling good today, I have only been up for a little while but I feel ok. It feels like all my pain has left me so lets see how today goes.
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Post by samantha9 on May 19, 2019 0:47:06 GMT 10
I am so bored and I noticed myself wishing something amazing would happen to me, really exciting and out of the blue to give me a real wow moment and I can remember feeling like this all through my childhood and it being a part of my fantasy world. Nothing like that ever happened and it is not going to but the feeling is still there in me. It is more of my denial of not wanting to feel bad and having something take me away from that boredom. I can feel that fantasy world still there in me wanting to be someone important, someone who had something amazing happen to her to make her more interesting and less mundane but I am boring and I am bored with nothing to make it any better but being more in it. I feel like I am a right Mong just sitting here Monging out like a mindless idiot with nothing to do. So fucking bored.
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Post by samantha9 on May 19, 2019 1:45:52 GMT 10
I am so bored, I feel so desperate to stop being bored but there is nothing I can do but sit here and feel how being so bored feels. It makes me feel angry that I have such an empty life with no thing in it, angry that all I have is this continuous boredom every day. I cant do any of the things I used to do because I no longer want to do them and anything I do is just my minds control to stop me feeling bored, like my parents saying "go and do something then Sam" but I never knew what, that never helped me but got me more pissed off, they were no help. I am sitting here in my mindless, lobotomy state of being just feeling it all, how awful it feels to be so bored and useless and hopeless of it ever changing. There is nothing for me and I feel hopeless just sitting here in my nothingness. Everything I do is to stop me feeling bad and now I have stopped doing those things, I feel bad, bored and all the rest of it. I have no meaning to my life without all of those things I used to do that gave my life meaning but they were all denial of me feeling bad so I no longer want to do them, they were not real or true just avoidance of feeling like this, so useless and empty and with no love in me to make me feel good naturally, I have none of that or I would feel ok about feeling so bored, I wouldn't even feel bored if I had some sort of love in me.
I cant see an end to this boredom, it feels it is my eternal future, I cant see beyond it. It feels cold and unloving. I feel like a child having no one interested in me and no one wanting to play with me or be with me, I have to do it all my self, alone and I feel very alone in my boredom, no one wants to know me. No one even knows I exist. I am not important to anyone just left to fend for myself, amuse myself and I cant, I need interaction, I want company and someone to want to be with me and share myself with them and them with me, interact but no one wants to and it is frustrating, it is making me feel so angry inside, like a denied fury in me at being so denied and rejected and left to be bored because no one cares about me, they couldn't care less how I am feeling and I feel so neglected as I sit here in my boredom with all of my childhood feelings coming up for me to feel as I ask Mother and Father to help me see the truth of how I am feeling.
NO one is on my level, no one wants to talk about stuff with me, I cant share any of myself with anyone and it makes for a very lonely and boring life. All Trevor talks about is advancing his mind, none of which I am interested in so we cant have conversations only ones where we totally disagree with each other, him pulling one way and me pulling the other, we are on two very different journey's, him of the Mind and me of the Soul and there is no way to meet in the middle so we end up in very different spaces not being able to share anything of each other at all. He doesn't want to hear me and I don't want to hear him, we repel each other which is just how it was for both of us with out parents but he doesn't want to see it like that at all. I can see it but I cant share it with him, it is no use, I have to keep it all to myself and express it out of me to Mother and Father and when I have expressed it all maybe we will move on separately and no longer be friends or what ever we are. If Mother and Father want it to be this way then I know it is needed for me to heal and so much comes up in the way of feelings, he brings it all out of me so I get what is happening at this time.
Boredom is lonely, I am feeling lonely, alone with my self is boring, nothing to do, no one to share in, its lonely. I have no one and I felt like that as a child as my brothers and sister went out to play with their friends and I sat in, alone, that is how I feel now, I want someone to want me, to want to talk about their feelings with me and hear mine but I feel like that cant happen for me because that is not how it was for me as a child. My parents care for me was to take any pain away from me as quickly as possible, not to hear how I was hurting but to get it sorted out so I was no longer in pain, not to talk about it but to get it sorted and end it and that was that but I was left with the unexpressed fear of that pain and what was happening to me, I never knew what was going on, I needed to talk about it and get it out of me so I understood it, what was happening to me but it was all taken out of my hands and fixed on the surface but not inside of me, all loose ends were left unanswered and it fucked me up not having any answers. I needed to talk about how I was feeling, the shock I was going through and feeling about it now, it seems like it was a constant trauma inside of me going on because I never knew what was happening to me, I was always in shock, this shock being the first feeling my Mother felt about having me, so I have had to live in that feeling of shock ever since, her shock of me.
Boredom feels so empty yet so crushing, like I don't exist, I am not really here but I am, no one wants me, yet I am here. I am feeling strongly that I wasn't wanted at birth, I wasn't wanted when mum found put about me so that feeling of not being wanted has continued throughout my life and boredom is just that, not being wanted, no one wants to be with me, play with me, cares if I am alive, no one cares about me or how I am, I am just left to get on with it alone. No one wants to know about how I feel, they don't care or want to spend any time with me and I can feel that being the truth. Being left alone day after day, even as a baby and just because mum was around doesn't mean I wasn't alone, I was, because she didn't connect to me emotionally, she was very depressed when she had me so I never felt like I had her or my dad and this isn't a 'poor me tale' it is how I am feeling when I feel about it all, it is what my feelings are telling me about how I feel and how it was for me as a child.
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Post by samantha9 on May 20, 2019 2:17:02 GMT 10
TODAY I FEEL LIKE DYING TODAY I FEEL MORE CRUSED THAN I HAVE EVER FELT TODAY I FEEL WEAKER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN TODAY I FEEL MORE MISSUNDERSTOOD THAN I HAVE EVER FELT TODAY I HATE LIVING TODAY I FEEL MORE ALONE THAN I HAVE EVER FELT TODAY I FEEL THE TRUTH THAT I HAVE NO ONE ON MY SIDE TODAY I HATE EVERYONE TODAY I FEEL TO BAD AND TO WEAK TO EVEN CRY, I DONT FEEL I HAVE IT IN ME TODAY I FEEL I AM TO BLAME TODAY I FEEL I AM THE MAD ONE TODAY I HAVE BEEN TOLD I AM MAKING IT ALL UP TODAY I HAVE BEEN TOLD I AM NOT TAKING RESPONSABILITY AND BLAMING MY PARENTS TODAY I HAVE BEEN TOLD I AM WRONG TODAY I HAVE BEEN TOLD I HAVE HURT THE WHOLE FAMILY TODAY I HAVE BEEN TOLD IT IS ALL IN MY MIND TODAY I HAVE BEEN TOLD MY FEELINGS ARE WRONG AND I AM NOT TO LISTEN TO THEM TODAY I HAVE BEEN RIPPED APART AND TRODDEN ALL OVER LIKE DIRT TODAY I HAVE BEEN TOLD NONE OF HOW I FEEL IS THE TRUTH TODAY I AM CRUSHED AND BROKEN TODAY I FEEL PICKED ON AND SO SMALL TODAY I FEEL SO SICK INSIDE TODAY I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE BEEN MADE TO FEEL I AM MAD TODAY I HAVE BEEN MADE TO FEEL THE MOST INADEQUATE I HAVE EVER FELT
My Sister has visited me from Australia and has told me that I have devastated the family, especially dad and she told me I am delusional if I believe the way I feel is true. She cant believe the way I feel and cant accept it and sat here trying to drum it into me that I was so loved and wanted and all of how I feel is a figment of my sick imagination and I feel sick inside as she spoke to me, I was shaking and ready to cry as I spoke to her telling her just how it was for me. Trying to convince her I am really feeling like this and it is all true inside of me and always has been. Shit the anger and rage that was in me but I had to keep it contained, I am not allowed to show it and I was taken right back to being a child again and not being allowed to express my anger, I just couldn't when really inside I wanted to explode. She didn't understand a word I said and I was trembling with pain and anger at being so denied, so misunderstood. I cant really put it down in words just how shattering this experience was for me today. No one is on my side, I haven't made it all up as she says and she will never understand me and my healing until she comes to do it herself.
She told me that she asked my two brothers if they felt loved and they both said "Yes" but don't they remember how dad treated them, I do! I would cry at their fights and how unloving dad was to them. Why don't they remember? they call this Love!!
I feel hopeless, it is futile talking to her or anyone about this who is not doing their healing, they all think I have gone mad, have Schizophrenia or something but to me, it is like they have all been brainwashed and only I see the truth of how it was, they really don't see it.
I am not mad, I am the sanest I have ever been in my life and I know the truth. I thought that she might get it a bit and understand some of what I was saying and by the time I had said all I had to say she said she did understand but I don't feel she really did. I felt sick about her coming, for a few days I have felt sick and I kind of knew we would have this conversation and I shook as we spoke with the fear of having to defend myself, I felt attacked and blamed just as it was for me as a child.
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Post by samantha9 on May 20, 2019 8:45:54 GMT 10
My sister has just emailed me from my parents house, where she is staying for a month, that she thinks that after our conversation today she will not be back to see me.
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Post by samantha9 on May 20, 2019 10:03:06 GMT 10
I can now see so much truth of how it was for me in that family. How controlling and how I had to submit yo every ones will and reject my own because it wasnt accepted. I was not taken seriously at all and today's meeting with my sister has shown me the truth of how it was for me. I had to be agreeable, to be submissive, not rock the boat in any way and she still expects me to be like that.
She says she truly loves me but in the same breath she has abandoned me because I wont conform and wont stop all of this silliness, telling me my feelings aren't real, she wants me to deny how I feel and she calls that loving me. I can see so clearly the truth of how it was at home. Bev being the sensible one who did it all the right way and me being the reckless one who was crazy and couldn't be trusted of taken seriously, it is still the same. Bev laying down mum and dads law, being them, to me. I feel so raging inside and I know this sounds childish and that's because it is, it's still the same childhood pain and I am upsetting everyone by bringing it up, they want to carry on playing happy families and I am ruining it.
I can see why I was always so ill living with them, I was denied completely and I felt ill for a few days before my sister came round and that is how I felt at home, toxic.
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Post by samantha9 on May 20, 2019 18:01:43 GMT 10
Today I feel free of them, I don't want anything to do with any one in my family because now I see how I felt around them and how they made me feel. I had to conform to their will and their ways and I did, it made me very ill to deny myself in such a terrible way, I didn't exist to them or to myself, I felt dead every day because I wasn't allowed to bring myself out into life and live my will. They are still doing it to me so I don't want them around me.
Last night, as I was feeling my wan through this with my sister, I felt so alone and alienated by her and it was a feeling that I knew well, I was an outsider in my own family and always wanting to break free of them but they wouldn't let me go. I began to feel scared last night, an old feeling of panic began to stir in me as I saw myself being so alienated by them all, it was like I didn't have anyone in the whole world to be with me but this was how I always felt only I had denied it so much not wanting to believe it was true, not wanting to be alone but now I feel it, now I feel truly alone and without them, they have all left me and believe I am crazy, unhinged and in some sort of madness or depression when the truth is the complete opposite, I have never been clearer of mind as I see more truth of how it was for me as a child living in my family.
My sister coming over is something I wasn't looking forward to, we always got on well but I have changed so much and I am feeling the truth of my disconnection with everyone in my family. As we met yesterday I knew what it would be like, I knew the words she would use and what she would do and it happened just as I knew it would. A big Aussie "Hello Sam" and a big hug but I didn't want it, I didn't want the hug as I didn't feel the same and she felt it from me as I resisted, I felt repelled and didn't throw myself into it as she did, I reserved my self and held back not wanting the big dramatic false hello's and hugs but she genuinely believes she loves me and tried to convince me of it when I know she was not born into love and her rejection of me, at the same time as telling me I am her dear sister and she truly loves me, has shown me the truth. She blames me, as do my parents for everything, they have never listened or understood me or taken me seriously, they think I have gone a little bit more crazy due to Harry's death, I have never been the same according to them and they see that as the cause, anything but them.
Today I feel freer, I feel deeper cords have been cut between us and I want it like that as I feel my family has been the worst thing for me and now with Bev coming over, I can see how it all plays out between them. Bev is them, my parents and she betrays me to them all the time, I have never had her confidence and every time as a child when I would confide in her she would turn straight to my parents and tell them what I said. I never had no one to confide in and always felt betrayed and I can see this is true as she has done exactly the same with me now by going back to them and telling them all I have said. I don't feel I have ever had that one person who really wants to listen to me and that I can confide in and that is because that is the truth of how it was for me at home, my whole life has been showing me this truth and the pain it brings out in me at being so alone and so bereft and isolated. There was no one I could go to and know they were their for me, I always felt betrayed by everyone so I kept everything, all of my pain to myself and supressed it all because I had no outlet and Bev has proved this is right by still going back to my parents with all I have said. I have no one.
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Post by samantha9 on May 20, 2019 19:06:51 GMT 10
I feel so free. I feel like I am learning how to breath for the first time. My chest feels so clear and like everything is working as it should for the first time. My body feels light and I feel all the constraints lifting from me, all the ties and cords being cut to my family. I feel unbelievable, like I ha e never felt before. I feel like I have a real chance of getting to know who I really am now, without them all having a piece of me. They have gone from me and I really feel like that.
I feel like I am breathing in the cleanest, purest mountain air that is crisp and cold and its filling my lungs with purity.
I have never felt so free, I have never felt so free of them. They were all of it, all the pain was from them, my family that I spent all my life under their will and now I am feeling so free because I know and feel the truth. For the first time ever, I feel I have a chance of knowing who I really am now they have gone. I really feel so light on all levels, I feel like I am a spirit without the heavy weight of my families will, dragging it around with my every minute of the day. It has lifted and I feel cut away from them and their toxicness.
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Post by samantha9 on May 20, 2019 20:04:11 GMT 10
I have noticed a feeling of being overwhelmed with my new feelings of freedom, almost like being scared of it, it is an unknown feeling that I am not feeling to safe with now, but it feels so good too. I am not used to feeling so good and free, like I have been released from prison and now I am overwhelmed with the freedom and don't know what to do with it, it is so huge and infinite to be so free. As I always say, it could all change in a moment but I am on a scary sort of high right now feeling so light and breezy and new.
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Post by samantha9 on May 21, 2019 0:53:09 GMT 10
I know the truth for myself, I wasn't loved and how my family is with me now, proves that the truth of my feelings was right. My family cant accept the way I am now, they think something is seriously wrong with me and that I have turned against them all. They cant accept me being myself, free from their domination and control, I even feel they hate me now although all of this they would deny but their actions prove it to be true.
They want the old me back, the Sam who was so obliging, obedient, such a good daughter and doing the will of her family, they want her, the Sam they created, not this!! this Sam is horrible, insane, not doing what we want, not pleasing us but doing and saying her own thing. They don't want me like this so they never really wanted me, only when I was their Sam, their creation and now I am breaking out of that mould they made for me, I am unwanted and rejected by them so they cant love me, not the real me, they have never wanted me to be me and I was only born for them and to be theirs.
I don't want anything to do with them anymore, I can feel the cords being cut and I am leaving them way behind me so I can now grow as me. I feel so free of them, I lived my whole life for them, being how they wanted me to be and now I am being how I want to be, they don't like me. I want to be so free of them, they have kept me tethered to them and now I feel free.
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Post by samantha9 on May 22, 2019 18:34:56 GMT 10
I received this today from my Sister, I was surprised. Sam, I have just read this and it had really help me see and understand what you, and me as the favoured child, have experienced . I need to see you and talk . I was shocked the other day at what you said and needed to sit with it. I get it now and want to heal with you too. I thought it would be nice to find a lovely meadow nearby and have a picnic and healing talk. Would you be up for that. Love Bev lonerwolf.com/narcissistic-mother-father/
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Post by samantha9 on May 23, 2019 7:35:43 GMT 10
Every time I go into the kitchen I am either in the fridge or in the biscuit jar picking at anything I can eat, I cant stop, I cant not do it and every morning I say to myself, "today, I'm not going to do it" but I do it, it is automatic for me to do it without even a thought, my hand is in the cookie jar because of my insatiable need to be satisfied. All day I need to be satisfied and fulfilled so I am constantly picking at nice things to satisfy me because of this huge gapping hole in me that needs filling. I need to be satisfied, I am so desperate to be satisfied all day long and food is all I have to do it for me.
There is such an urgency in me to be satisfied, almost an underlying panic of not getting, not having and being left so unfulfilled. I feel so much lack of what I need, like I will never get it and now I can have it, I cant stop and I am seeing the extent of my addiction and compulsion to be satisfied.
I am seeing just how bad I am, just how desperate I am, just how my unloved condition has led me to feel so unsatisfied inside, and so empty. My feelings are showing me that I have such a powerful longing in me to be satisfied all the time, it is constant and I cant do anything to stop it. There is nothing I can do but follow my feelings, follow my longings and addictions as they are so strong in me, they control me and I am powerless to them, they rule me and I feel like I have no say, they feel like my parents taking my will.
I am feeling right now like I need something but I am not hungry, I need to eat something to satisfy my neediness. I feel so empty, I just need something nice to make me feel happy and good again. I am so fucked off with always needing to eat because it is all I have to quieten me. I want something, I feel in such need, in such desperation almost a frenzy inside me to have something good. I don't know what to do with myself, I cant stop myself, I have to get a chocolate digestive to give me a good feeling, to give me what I am missing, good feelings, loving feelings, I don't have thin in me already so I have to get them from food and I feed others because I believe food gives them loving feelings too and they will feel I love them because what I am giving them makes them feel so good. Fuck its so wrong, so fucked up, such a terrible way to receive my loving feelings and bung up all of my gapping emotional holes.
I have a weird feeling in me, I go and get a biscuit and it goes, food is like medicine with me, food will make it all better, this is what I believe. Food will make it better. I hurt myself as a child, a sweetie will make it all better, a sweetie will take all the pain away, I will forget about my pain if I have the sweetie, that's better! I would rather eat to take away my pain, than feel it! I was taught to do that and I have done it with my own children when they cried or were in pain or bored, I would give them food, sweets anything for them to forget their pain and not bug me with it, I am just like mum, doing just the same as she did with me. Any pain, feed it!! and I am doing it all the time, avoiding my pain as I have been taught to do and I cant stop doing it, I am constantly in the biscuit jar doing what my parents taught me to do, deny my feelings and feed them so I don't have to hear them, just like mum and dad.
I am in the full grip of my addictions, they are now full blown and worse than they have ever been as I live the truth of them, I am being them and seeing how bad I am, how unloved I feel so do anything I can to create false love, just like my parents love for me, all mind created false love.
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Post by samantha9 on May 24, 2019 10:42:17 GMT 10
I am totally rejecting myself as I go for another biscuit and look to fulfil myself. I am doing to me what my parents did to me, I am being them to me and rejecting myself, hurting myself as I shove more food in because I feel so unfulfilled. I need something, anything to quieten me, shut me up, shut down these unfulfilled feelings and as more food goes in it feeds my emotional emptiness and squashes me feelings for a very short while, then they start up again, more longing for something to fulfil me, nothing does. I want constant fulfilment so I am picking at food constantly to make me feel better.
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Post by samantha9 on May 24, 2019 18:10:06 GMT 10
Realising deeper how addicted I am to being wanted and loved. Everything I do is to be accepted, wanted, liked, loved and all the rest of it. I cant stop being like this but I can see it all now and how deep I am into my addiction of being so needed and wanted. I am hopelessly in it and cant change or get out of it and I feel so useless, such a lost cause to it all.
I am so fucking pathetic and sad, such a huge loser and so needy as I see all I do to feel wanted and loved, all my life I have been so desperate to gain acceptance and love from others and if I don't feel I have it, I am devastated and so scared that if they don't like me or want me then I will be attacked by them, hated and not wanted, its been so scary and I can see all I have done to avoid feeling these bad feelings but failed.
Shit I am pathetic, don't even read this, don't give it any attention, I am to pathetic and sad. I cant be any different, I have tried and it is not me, I cant make myself be any different with my mind when my feelings are screaming at me to be accepted, wanted, liked, loved and all the rest of it. I am this sad fucker. This is the truth of my unloved and unloving state. I am being it all the time and I can see it now.
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