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Post by samantha9 on Mar 29, 2019 9:22:13 GMT 10
I hate myself. It's getting worse and I cant do anything about it. I feel so hopeless about myself like I am stuck in all of my addictions and compulsions without any chance of being any other way. This is how I am, this is all the wrongness of me and I hate being this way so much but I cant stop being like it. I feel so hopeless all the time. I feel such deep hatred for myself, every part of me I hate and there is no hope for me.
I pray to Mother and Father to help me and to bring the change as all I do is Express how much I hate myself, I am exhausted with it, fed up with repeating myself, I am bored with saying the same thing over and over again to them. I can't hold myself up, I feel so tired all the time wanting to sleep, I am so worn out. I feel so powerless and useless and weak. I am so vile with such deep hate for myself and every day is the same for me and every day I cry about how disgusting I am, repulsive to myself and everyone, I should be hated.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 3, 2019 17:49:56 GMT 10
Still deep in my self hate, it is all so real now and it has been a shock for me to know the truth of my denial of it for my whole life. I am now being it and I feel like shit. Today I woke up feeling ill and I have a lump on my lip which will develop into an ugly, disgusting, unsightly cold sore, the embarrassing Herpes virus is in me and its fucking repulsive and that is the truth of how I feel about myself, repulsive, I am repulsed by myself and that feels like such a truth, yes, I am repulsed by myself and I want to keep saying it, at last I can feel it is the truth and this cold sore has helped me feel more truth about myself, just how much I have always hated myself.
I feel like I am really rotten, putrid to the core, shit I cant believe the depths of self hate I feel. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen and getting ever closer to me is the fact that I may have to go back to work soon and I cant cope with it, being out there in public, seen, heard a part of it all, NO, I cant do it, I feel like it will kill me. I cant be seen, I hate myself to much to go out, it literally hurts me to go out, it is so hard to go shopping but I have to do these things. I am so disgusting, everything about me is rotten.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 3, 2019 19:09:13 GMT 10
My self hate has very good grounds as has just been proved to me. Mum came over to bring me a book by Rick Warren called 'The Purpose Driven Life' what an earth am I here for? but that isn't the main point I am getting at. The telly was on and a man was on it and she pointed out how big his ears are and that why hasn't he done something about them, like plastic surgery. It just proved to me how my mum doesn't accept imperfection and it has to be put right so any imperfection she saw in me she would make me fix, do my hair, do my make up, make sure I was socially acceptable, be slim and a attractive weight. I could see so clear in that statement where all of my self hate has come from, her judgements of me and how flawed I am. So cruel, so unloving as I listened to her and took it all in and felt all of her criticisms aimed at me all my life. I can truly see it in that moment it was spelt out for me why I feel so much hate for myself not being perfect in my mums eyes and it is so hurtful.
On mums way out she left me the book I mentioned at the top of this post and I want to throw it in the bin. She knows my views on the bible and her Cristian view of God and worship and she leaves me this book, a blueprint for Cristian living and Gods purpose for us. I am fucking fuming, insulted and completely denied by her. She hasn't heard a single word I have said, I haven't been heard, she doesn't listen to me at all. I have told her countless times I am not interested in her Cristian values. She even asked me to go and be baptised on Sunday as others were being done!!!!!!!! I promptly told her I didn't believe in it all, its bullshit and I don't need anyone or anything to connect me to God, I have my own relationship with them. She gets upset and changes the subject and leaves.
It all answers the questions of why I am the way I am, I can see it all. She doesn't take me seriously, she knows how I feel and still tries to put her Cristian shit on me no matter what I say to her. And her criticism of that man and his ears, well, I felt that like a stabbing in my heart, it told me so much about myself and how I am so critical of others, I got it from her and how I criticise myself and hate myself because I have watched her do it all my life, to herself, others and me.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 4, 2019 4:33:18 GMT 10
Still feeling so shit about myself. Just had dinner and still not satisfied. I keep wanting something good after the boring stuff, I want the good stuff, the pudding, the desert, something sweet to finish me off and satisfy me so I have a block of Rum and Raisin chocolate, shit its so good. It tastes so sweet and satisfying, it makes me feel like I have had my treat after eating all my dinner up. I want more, its only been ten minutes and I already feel the need to have more, more satisfying goodness. Nothing is ever enough and I am not saying no to myself so I am having more but it comes with guilt, I feel so bad eating it, its going to put weight on me, fuck it, its so unfair to have something so good and suffer for it. Good but bad, make me feel so good and then make me feel so bad, its just like it was as a child with my parents. I loved them and then I hated them, they made me feel good, then they made me feel bad, its not fair, what is it to be?
I just had some more chocolate and I feel a bit sick. I love dark chocolate, its Vegan and so rich, I buy it in Lidl and I bought it last night and so much of it has gone already, I cant stop myself, I want it until I feel sick. It comforts me, quietens me, calms me, gives me good feelings but it also fills me with guilt, makes me feel useless, hopeless, like there is no hope for me as I cant control myself, I need to be told 'NO' by mum, I am being greedy, stop being a greedy pig Sam, I can hear her words. "You've just had your dinner Sam, you cant be hungry still" I'm not hungry at all, I just don't feel complete, I am still wanting more of something, its never enough. I cant just have dinner, I need something nice to finish it off or it feels incomplete and I have gone without the best bit. I am always left wanting something else, more. I feel incomplete and agitated if I cant have what I want, I am missing out.
I am missing out. Yes, I am missing out on the good stuff, its that stuff that isn't in me and I need to get it somehow and I cant be left without it, its cruel. There is nothing good for me and the good I have is always bad, it always has a bad consequence for me, its so unfair, I am so fucked off with it all, that everything I want is bad for me. Its not fair, its not fair, why me. Why me Mother and Father, why couldn't I have been born like one of those girls that can eat anything and never put on weight. I always have to suffer for anything I want, its so unfair. I have to do without, always do without and not get my good feelings. Left feeling so incomplete, I am incomplete, I don't have those good feelings in me to start with, I have to go and get them from outside of me because my parents never had the good feelings (Love) to fill me so I am always feeling incomplete because I am. I have to go and get my substitutes for their absent love. Fuck them doing this to me. I can see how wrong my substitutes are, how wrong it is that their love wasn't and isn't in me. No love from them, they gave me things to make me feel good because they didn't have it in them and now I live needing the same things to make me feel loved, false love. Its all so hopeless what I am doing, eating the chocolate to get my false loving feelings that my parents couldn't give to me. So fucking hopeless.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 4, 2019 5:02:36 GMT 10
I was just writing on here about how I am feeling and the whole page disappeared, all I wrote went and I couldn't go back to it and I felt so angry, all that writing and it just disappeared, what the fuck!! So unfair to put so much feeling down in writing and then it just goes and I cant do anything about it, I am powerless to retrieve it, its just gone like it never existed and there is no one to tell about how unfair it all is to be so annihilated. My feelings just gotten rid of like they never existed, deleted out of existence, gone. Even the computer doesn't want to know and gets rid of me. I feel so hopeless, so unimportant like I am so easily gotten rid of, neglected, denied.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 4, 2019 6:41:18 GMT 10
Going for more chocolate, I am not hungry at all just so empty. I have such a longing for something, a whining in me that wont let up until I give it what it wants, shut it up as I was shut up by my parents. They gave me anything to keep me quiet never asking me what was wrong, never communicating. That is what I wanted and want now, proper communication, to be listened to and an interest taken in me and my feelings, not fobbed off with chocolate to keep me quiet, its a fucking insult. I am doing to myself exactly the same as my parents did to me, I am fobbing myself off, not listening to myself and what my pain need. Not letting it be expressed but feeding it to keep it quiet. Every bit of chocolate is more denial of my feelings and I do to myself what my parents did to me, I cant be any different to myself and through being like this I can see the truth of how I was parented, denied and rejected. I am now doing it to myself, what they did to me. I am shutting myself up and keeping myself quiet instead of having the communication I longed for, having an interest taken in me, and I am now as disinterested in myself as they were. I don't want to hear myself, I am not interested in how I am feeling, I just want to shut myself up like they did.
They weren't interested in me at all, on the surface they pretended to be, all lip service. Nothing real or true, they didn't want to hear me, the food I wanted and craved for was their interest in my and my feelings, I wanted to be heard by them not fobbed off with food and sweets. They had no idea how to nourish me and now I have no idea either. I do t me what they did to me, I have no idea what I want because they had no idea, so I crave everything.
I over eat because I am not getting what I need, I am not getting the right nourishment. I am not getting and never did get the right communication I needed from them. I am not getting the interest I needed from them. I am not getting the love I needed from them and this has set up all of my addictions and compulsions. I nourish myself with shit, all stuff that is bad for me, its what they taught me because its what they did to me and what a fuck up I now am.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 5, 2019 1:26:42 GMT 10
I am left feeling a bit shocked after having a small nose bleed today. I was sitting on the couch and it just ran out of my nose and it put me into shock which has surprised me. As soon as I went for a tissue and saw the blood not stopping I felt terror flow through me, "What is happening to me, what's going on, why is this happening to me, how did it start?" all the questions were flowing through my mind and the fear it will never end, I wont be able to stop it or control it, it just came of its own accord and made me feel all of these bad feelings, which was so good, yet bad. I am still puzzled by it now although there is no mystery to it when I go to my feelings, they tell me everything I need to know about why it happened all through the feelings, fears the nose bleed gave me and these feelings are the ones the nose bleed wants me to know about, they are in me and my nose bleed was helping me get to them. So thank you nose bleed, you scared the fuck out of me, which is good.
I went into instant terror that I am going to die, this is never going to stop and I will bleed to death. I will have to go to hospital and have all sorts of invasive things done to me against my will. Something is wrong with me, oh my God I have a brain tumour, an aneurism or something equally disastrous, its the end for me. All of these thoughts went on in a fleeting few minutes, its always the worst thing ever going to happen to me, what if it happens to me again and I am driving or in a shop and I cant control it. At one point I let the blood run down my lips to my chin and it felt nice, warm and the colour was so beautiful and a deep red but that was just a momentary feeling, to feel how it feels to just let it run with out stopping it, controlling it, let it cover me and let it go where it wanted to, then Faye came into the lounge and I cleaned it up.
I still feel shocked by it and a few years back I had many nose bleeds and one ended up with me staying in hospital because it wouldn't stop, it scared the fuck out of me, I thought I would bleed to death, I just wanted them to fix me and stop it so I wouldn't die. I am terrified of something being wrong with me, me not being in control of it, it just happening to me without me knowing and there it is, shocking like the nose bleed starting like that with no warning, I wasn't prepared, I couldn't control it. It happened to me whether I wanted it or not, against my will and it shocked me. As a child this must have been the same for me, being shocked at things happening to me that I couldn't control and had no say in, my will taken and I can remember feeling like that when being taken to school by mum and being left their, what a shock to my whole system that she left me their against my will and I had no idea what was happening to me, why it was happening or if I would ever see her again, nothing was explained to me as a three year old being left in this huge place with people I didn't know, fucking terrifying, how could she do it to me without knowing how scared I was. I was out of control and left in the control of strangers and I had no say in what was happening to me, no control.
My nose bleed has taken me back their, to that feeling and its terrifying.
All my life I have known when and how to use the words 'There and Their' but whilst writing this it has gone, I have no idea when or how to use those two words and I am shocked again that I have lost the control of knowing what to do and how and when to use those words. It has completely gone, I have no idea when to use them, what the fuck. More control leaving me and it troubles me that I have just lost it, where has that knowledge gone? I am so confused at what has just happened to me, shocked at the lack and loss of control of knowing when to use them and now I don't have a clue. I don't know, its all going.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 5, 2019 4:24:38 GMT 10
Terrible feelings are coming up in me from my childhood and I know they are true because it is how I feel now. I feel like I cant cope with one more bad thing happening to me, I am always waiting for it, the bad thing to happen, to crush me and I feel like I cant cope with it, I am always waiting for it to happen. I have always been waiting and in me is a volcano of fear that is constantly coming to the top and then sinking back down, always threatening to blow and I am living in waiting for this huge cataclysmic event to happen in me. I have to stop here, I just want to cry.
Shit its all to much. I have denied this cataclysmic event happening in me being to scared to feel it but its been in me all my life, waiting for the big one. The thing that is going to end me and it is the feeling of no longer being able to cope with life and the next bad thing to happen, when is it going to come for me, if not today, it will one day and it will crush me. This is how I feel inside and my nose bleed to day brought up the feelings. I asked Mother to help me feel the truth and help me bring the feelings up and I feel an impending doom of not being able to cope with one more thing but having to, having to go on like nothing has happened, nothing bothers me, nothing hurts me because I cant show I am bothered or hurt by YOU! my parents. No no its all ok, you haven't hurt me, no, what you said didn't bother me, it's fine, I am ok, don't worry about it I am fine, really you didn't hurt me, nothing hurts me. But really, truly, I cant take one more thing from you and I am just waiting for it to come and for me to pretend it is all ok because I don't want you to feel bad, I don't want you to feel like you have hurt me because I don't want you to feel bad but I really cant take one more thing. Pain after pain and I cant escape from it, I have to stay in it, denying it all.
All I can see is bad things happening to me, I am waiting for them to happen because that is how it was for me as a child. I had good times and great times but they were only good and great as far as my parents would allow, they controlled the good and great times but were they so good and great because all I can see is bad things happening to me so behind those good and great things of my childhood was a feeling that I can only go so far with them, as far as my parents would allow me to go. If I wanted to do as I wanted then I had to go beyond them and lie, I had to lie to do what I wanted and then really enjoy it but at the same time, in me was that impending doom that I shouldn't be doing it because I hadn't asked them. They didn't know about it and I had lied to them because I knew they wouldn't approve of me doing it. Shit I lied so much to them about such stupid things that I should have been able to tell them about. It made me a liar and throughout my life I have lied because I am scared of getting told of if I tell the truth and do my own will. Its all so bad that I had to lie to get my own way and do what I wanted to do and not what they wanted me to do. It makes me see that my life was not my own it was there's. The fear I lived in of getting found out, I learnt and I see now that doing what I wanted felt like such a bad thing to do because it was against them and their will for me. My will was a bad thing and I really feel that as I write it because that is the truth of how it was for me. I felt such guilt at doing my own thing and not getting their approval first, I was there's completely and not my own. I was always in fear and waiting for them to find me out and wait for the bad thing to happen, the confrontation and interrogation of why I have done my will and not theirs. They turned me into a liar because they wouldn't accept me doing what I pleased and I wanted to and to do it I had to lie. Its so bad to have to do that, my life wasn't my own.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 5, 2019 4:44:52 GMT 10
I am still feeling scared about my earlier nose bleed. I am shocked that it happened out of the blue. I wasn't picking it or touching it at all, it just started, just like that. How does that happen? I am perplexed by it because it wasn't sore and had no reason to bleed but of course it was what was needed to give me all the feelings it has. I feel like "For fuck sake, what now!!!!". I cant be bothered with one more bad feeling, it is exhausting and I feel done in by it all and this is the feeling that is ment to come up, this is the great medicine that a nose bleed gives me, feelings. All of the confusion, exhaustion, the why's, every feeling it gives me is the healing I need.
I keep thinking what if it never stops, I know I have said this all before but it is still in me and needs to come out. I will repeat myself as many times as I feel it. What if I get nose bleeds in my sleep or they just start happening all the time. I can feel the shut down in me, the huge slump in my soul at the feeling of having to be a slave to my nose bleeds and not being able to live a life that I want, it is my childhood! The nose bleed is my parents controlling me and telling me what they want me to do. Shit I feel like a slave. Everything controls me because of how I was parented. I really feel like I cant cope with it all, its all to much (more of my childhood feelings) The fear is so overwhelming at doing the wrong thing and the pressure of always having to be good and not being sure if I am being good or not so never knowing if the bad thing will happen to me, being told off.
I can still feel the shock in me at having a nose bleed. What's happening to me, oh no, I cant stop it, I am scared, whats going to happen to me. This is the fear I feel when I am out of control, what is going to happen to me, how bad is it going to get for me. The worst thing is going to happen to me, cataclysmic.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 6, 2019 5:44:52 GMT 10
I have had a few tiny twinges of pain in my face today, nothing much but the feelings they give me are ones of dread. I dread the terrible pain coming back, I haven't had it for a couple of weeks now and it has been so wonderful not to feel that severe pain that cripples me. I don't want it to come back and it make me have all of these fears that I have cancer in my sinus's or in my nasal cavity or in my face bones, every time the pain twinges the feelings come up for me to feel and they have to come out so I can see why I need the pain still, because the feelings are still in me. I always go to the worst thing happening to me, I am going to die and leave my children devastated, what will they do without me, they would be heart broken and that pain of them being in such pain devastates me. It is the same pain I felt when I upset my parents when I was young, the thought of upsetting them devastated me and the thought of dying and causing them pain, it was to much. I cant cause them any pain, I cant even die because I am not allowed to cause them any pain, it would be my fault they are hurting, it is always about them and keeping them happy, that is my job. So dying is a bad thing, it causes my parents to much pain so I cant do it, I am not allowed, I have to keep everyone feeling good and the pain I feel if I hurt anyone is crushing because it is how my parents made me feel.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 6, 2019 17:42:19 GMT 10
I have woke up feeling really angry. Mother and Father don't love me, they don't give a shit about me. They let something good happen and then take it away, I have some good feelings happen, then just as quick they are replaced with bad ones, very bad ones, all the fears come back and I am plunged back down into my rejection and feelings of being so denied like I don't even exist anymore. Does no one see me? Does no one hear me? am I invisible to everyone in all I do? I even have to go to a mirror to make sure I am still here and haven't died over night and now I am a fucking ghost that no one can see or hear no matter what I do or say. I feel like I don't exist. Something good might happen to me and give me good feelings and I feel like things are finally changing for me but then I am slapped round the face and it all goes back to the beginning and I am sooooooooo Fucked of with it all. Mother and Father are a pair of fuckers, laughing at me as they put me back to the beginning of the game. They cant let me feel good for any amount of time, they have to show me whos in control, they are. I feel fucked over by them and I hate them, they are cruel. Giving me something then taking it away and as I write this my parents are right their in my mind. I cant enjoy anything for to long, it has to end. I always know that nothing good will last and that bad feeling taints everything that is good for me, I wait for the big come down, the big disappointment. I hate you Mother and Father, you are so unfair to give and then take like you do. Why let me feel anything good and then stop it. Why? ? You are so fucking cruel and have taught me not to enjoy anything because it will go. I have had enough of you both. I want to get rid of you, divorce from you both. You allow me nothing for any amount of time, it only goes on so far as you allow it then it is snatched from me, I cant trust you, you are not consistent and I am all over the place because of that, I cant trust you and I should be able to. I cant trust anything that I do because I couldn't trust you both. You are useless and I am better off without you, you have ruined everything for me and I hate you both.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 6, 2019 20:45:26 GMT 10
All morning I have been shouting, screaming and crying to Mother and Father about how much I hate them and how unfair they are to me and just talking to them constantly saying some vile things to them about how I feel and all the time hear their answers like voices in my mind. I will ask them something in my rage and they instantly answer me and it is always Mother who I hear giving me the answers, the right answers which is amazing and great but I don't know what to do with what she says because I am so fucked in my negative state. I know all she says is true and right but what good does it do me? I cant get out of this state I am in and she doesn't want me to all she wants is for me to be it and that is what she is telling me. She is so pleased with me, she says all how I feel is right because it is the truth of how it was for me as a child with my parents, this is how it was for me. Its the truth. But I feel so stuck in it, I can only be it and she says, that is all she wants me to be but it is so frustrating, being it. It is all so fucked up being it, I cant get out of it and then I hear her voice telling me she doesn't want me to get out of it until I have expressed it all out of me, only then can I be out of it, until then all I can do is be it, hate being it and express it all.
Trevor just came in and pointed out I have a cold sore to which I said I know, then I looked in the mirror an I have two more new ones, what the fuck. I am so gross, so fucked and so ashamed and embarrassed by myself. I have been ranting about how disgusting I am, putrid and infected, a virus. Shit there and no words to explain how gross I feel about myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 7, 2019 8:18:08 GMT 10
Mother can Father can fuck off, they are useless. I want to blame them for everything, they are no use to me at all and I hate them. I am so sick of looking so awful and feeling so bad, I am sick of the whole thing, I hate it all and feel so grossed out with myself. This, how I am right now as gross and ugly as it is, is the truth of me and how bad I feel and it's all coming out physically, the truth is putrid and ugly, that's me and how I feel about myself, I am seeing it all manifest and there is nothing i can do about it except Express how I feel and how I feel is hopeless, useless and out of control, I cant do anything about it, it's the truth of how I feel and I have to know it, experience it but it's so hard. I feel like I will never get out of it, this is it for me, it's all so hopeless. I hate Mother and Father, I hate them.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 7, 2019 18:47:11 GMT 10
Today I feel totally defeated, what is happening to me is too big for me, to out of my control so it can do what it likes to me, I cant win, I cant do anything about it so I will just sit in my putrid ugly mess of a life getting as many cold sores as my repressed feelings can give me to feel. Scab me up and do what you want with me I give up. I feel like I don't have any more breath in me, I am done in completely, there is no where to go and nothing I can do so I give in and let my feelings do there worst to me while I submit to it all and allow it. I have no more fight in me, I feel defeated to let the pain win and just feel it all. I give in. I'm exhausted and shattered and nothing.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 7, 2019 19:32:05 GMT 10
I feel so fucking useless, so deeply and pathetically useless, like I am in the way just living. There is no use for me, all I do is buy food, cook it, eat it, shit it out and that's it there is no other point to me other that eating, I don't do anything else. I woke up today and headed straight for the chocolate cup cakes I made yesterday, feeling so bad about it but doing it anyway, eating it and loving every bit of its chocolatyness but at the same time feeling that guilt that accompanies everything I like. It is bad for you sam, you are going to put on weight, stop, don't do it as it goes down my throat. I cant stop myself as I once used to, I would cook them and not eat them but wish I could, so much wish I could eat them all but in so much fear of putting on weight and not being loved anymore because I was fat. That was a horrific thought for me but now I am eating them and being the truth of that horrific fear and I am putting on weight and it is fucking every bit as horrific as I feared. The feelings are of such uselessness, like I am such a pathetic weak person that cant control herself and I cant any more. I am feeling the fears that have kept me on diets all my life, that if I get fat (shit it even horrifies me to write that word FAT) no one will love me or want me. I would use my body to attract me and that's the truth of it, I loved the attraction I got from men and being slim was acceptable to most me, they don't give a fat girl a second look, infact she is ridiculed by them so I have always been terrified of losing that attraction and interest from men.
I feel so pathetic writing this and admitting these deeply personal things about myself but I have to get them out of me, they are deeply embarrassing and shallow to admit but they are the truth, I stayed skinny to attract men, I needed to be needed by them, looked at, admired and it all sounds so conceited of me and big headed, like I was anything to look at but I was ok and used my looks to get my needs met, feel powerful and attracting men was a part of that power. Now it has all gone, I am sunk into the depths of how I really felt about myself and that was hate and I couldn't allow myself to be what I really wanted to be because I would lose all my power if I stopped wearing make up, stopped the diets and disciplined eating regimes, if I submitted to what I really wanted to do I would lose it all and slip into invisibility, I would not be noticed or looked at by anyone, men. Now I am that, I am invisible to everyone, my looks have gone and I have begun to feel some weight creeping on and it scares the shit out of me, I am terrified, this is just what I thought would happen if I stoped all of the control and it is happening and I feel like freaking out, and I do, often.
Men, its all been about attracting men because then I feel wanted, powerful, attractive and if they were married I felt even more powerful, the feeling that I was chosen over their wives gave me a feeling of euphoria, I was wanted and desired above their wives and children, Yes, this gave me the power I needed to feel and I know its evil and I am a horrible person but it is the truth and I have to bring it all out of me, I felt elated inside that a married man wanted me above his family, I felt an ultimate power and excitement and I am fucking cringing to write this in public, twisting inside and in fear of being so hated by anyone that reads it. I am scared of being attacked by you all.
If I had felt the love of my dad I would not have had to go out and find it in such sick ways, it was his love I was searching for but never felt it and they were always older men, at least ten years older than me. I was missing the love of my dad which should have been solidly anchored in me from conception, I should have felt so sure that I was loved by him that I never even would have considered doing the things I have done with other men. I am feeling very dirty inside, unclean and disgusting and full of hate for myself, it makes me shudder. That missing love sent me searching for it in all the wrong places so I kept myself looking good so that I could attract it through other men and fill myself with the missing love I felt so void of. It didn't work, well very temporarily, like the chocolate cup cake, it is great for a very little while then the bad feelings creep in and leave me empty and feeling very bad again. There is no substitute for the missing love of my parents, I cant find it outside of me, it is not there.
They have fucked me up because I didn't feel their love for me, it wasn't in me, they swear blind they both loved me and have told me this many times but unless it is felt inside, it isn't the truth. I never felt it and my life is proof of that. All the things I have done to feel loved, everything I have done has been to feel loved and it has all failed, I have not been loved, it has all been in the mind and never of the heart, just words without any feeling behind them. I have been evil in my search for the missing love parents.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 8, 2019 21:38:14 GMT 10
I don't feel like I want to do anything, I don't wand to do the cleaning, hoovering or anything and it all needs doing, I see the dust, I see the pots in the sink needing washing up but I don't want to do any of it. I haven't even got dressed for two days although today I did wash my hair because it smelt dirty. I don't want to do anything but I feel like I do want to do something but something that is good, exciting and fun but there is nothing like that to be done, only horrible stuff that is a chore to do and I don't want to do it.
I don't want to get dressed, what's the point when I am not going out, not doing anything, there is no point in getting dressed and I am not doing it just because my parents so I have to. As a child I often wanted to stay in my pyjamas all day but I had to get dressed, I didn't know why because I wasn't going anywhere but they said I had to as a part of the every day ritual, I hated it. Now I don't have to and it has taken me a long time to stop doing as my parents told me to do, and go and get dressed.
I do still feel a little bit like it is the wrong thing to do though. I feel bad and naughty but only a little bit so their demands are still in me. I feel I am bad for not doing as they would like me to do, I feel everyone will talk about me never getting dressed and I spend all day in my dressing gown and slippers, I must be lazy, I am. I am being it, being lazy because I want to be and its how I wanted to be as a child but wasn't allowed to be, there is nothing wrong with being lazy.
I just want to do as I want to do.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 8, 2019 21:53:06 GMT 10
I am glad to say that my cold sores haven't really come to much, I was dreading it, dreading them being scabby and sore and bloody and pustulating but I have been expressing how they make me feel and they have not done what they usually do. I am surprised at how they were under my skin on my lip looking all angry and swollen red, and now they haven't broke out at all, the first one did but not as bad as usual but the new two that came up haven't done anything like what they usually do. I am so happy about that, there has been no pain with them either, I was expecting a lot of searing pain as there usually is, but no. They are healing up now, all three of them and hardly noticeable and usually I have them for about two weeks, looking all disgusting but the expression of how the make me feel has worked. I have been talking to Mother and Father about them, even to Trevor and it has taken all the power out of them, defused them as I have expressed all the pain out of me, all of how they make me feel and all the self hate. Trevor laughed at me calling myself rancid, rotten to the core, putrid, vile pustulating arsehole of a person, scabby and disgusting, shameful girl who deserves these sores. I think I shocked him as he was moving about a lot trying to get away from me and change the subject, it made him uncomfortable to hear the truth of how I feel about myself. I loved it, getting it all out there, it was freeing and now my cold sores have calmed right down.
I could connect right in with the cold sores, like they are me, I am feeling them so intensely as being me and how I feel, they are telling me the truth about myself so I want to be them in every way, as disgusting as they are is as disgusting as I am and I am so thankful for them and how they have helped me see more truth about myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 9, 2019 10:34:43 GMT 10
I cant sleep so I am going to write down more feelings. I feel so scared about what is going to happen to me as I am getting close to having no money. Fuck, I am scared, really scared. I have no idea what to do but if I go to my feelings I know exactly what I want to do and that is not have to go back into the working world, I cant bare the thought of it but how will I survive if I dont. I have always had a man to support me but now I don't, it's all up to me to keep the house, Bill's, food, car paid for and I cant earn enough yo pay for if all. I just cant see a way out and it is driving me crazy with fear. My mind keeps coming in with all of these ideas, like it is mum talking to me telling me what I could do, get a job, go back to hairdressing, you are such a creative girl Sam, use it to make money, I can hear it all playing over in my mind but I dont want yo do any of those things. I dont feel I physically can any more because it is so against my feelings, it would be so wrong but I dont know what else to do to make money to pay for my living. All I see is me on the streets, living rough being cold and hungry, that is the end I see for myself if I go the way of my feelings.
We have created such an unloving system to live in and now I dont want to be a part of it anymore, there is no where for me to go, I will be rejected by society if I dont pay my way. It's like when I first got my hairdressing apprenticeship at 16, I was earning £25.00 a week and it was terrible because all my friends were on good money compared to me but I had to give mum £10.00 a week for my keep and it was so unfair, I felt so hard done by but if I didn't pay my way I would be rejected and it's the same now. Mum insisted I give her the money even knowing how little I was getting and this world still insists on being paid, it is constant rejective parenting being reflected back to me in all I do.
I dont want to lose everything and I will if I can't pay my way and I am so scared. I feel like I have no one to support me, help me, share it all with me, releive the burden a bit, help me, provide for me while I do my healing which is so important to me. A job will interfere with it so much like an interfering parent telling me to stop what I am doing and do what they tell me to do, it stinks of interfering parenting. I have so much fear about this and I feel so stuck.
If I do have to go back to work, it will be just how it was for me as a child, having to do as I am told, to do the right thing by my parents, keep them happy by having a job and earning money. They want this for me, they say it's the thing to do, earn money and pay your way as they had to but I dont want to. But what I want doesn't matter, I have to keep my parents happy and do what they tell me to do. Getting a job would be them telling me what to do and me obeying, going completely against my own feelings to please them. Fuck it I dont want to go back to work, I hate it, I dont want to go, dont make me go, I dont want to, I hate it.
I dont know how else I will survive. I feel very alone and unsure about how I will survive on my own. I have always felt like this, isolated and its scary to have to do it all on my own, it's so unloving and I feel so unloved to have to be so alone with this and all my lonely fears of how will I survive. I cant see any way out so if one day you no longer hear from me then you will know I am on the streets. It sounds all like I am being over dramatic but it's a real possibility. I dont want to go back to work so I wont have any money to live as I am so I will have to live on the streets where I will probably die cold and alone because that would be the truth of my rejection, that is how I see it and that is how unloved I feel. When I have nothing left, no one will want to know me, nothing to give anyone then they wont be interested in me and I will be left to rot. This is how I feel, these are the feelings and fears inside me keeping me awake tonight. I am shit scared, I have no one to look after me, it's all up to me. I feel pathetic writing this but it's how I feel.
I cant get any job that is well paid because I dont have the confidence to be able to do it so all I feel capable of is the lowest of the low job, cleaning loo's or something like that. I cant pretend I can function in a job that demands anything of me, I am to scared of what the job might demand of me and I cant blag it anymore, I cant fake it and look capable to anyone all I can do is be the truth of how I really feel and that would be the lowest of the low job because it is how I felt as a child with my parents. I had to pretend i could do anything because that is what they wanted, a child who was impressive but the truth of me was and is, that i am shit scared of everything and every one so dont demand anything of me because i am not capable of doing it and I can no longer pretend.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 13, 2019 19:25:55 GMT 10
Yesterday I was given the chance to see even more truth of my childhood and it has been an amazing breakthrough for me. My mum cam over to tell me dad has cancer on his nose. She said she didn't wand to tell me, this made me angry and I instantly snapped at her as to why she would keep this from me. I felt so insulted at this, not telling me, I asked her why and she didn't have an answer, she couldn't even tell me the truth of why she didn't want to tell me, of course she knows why but couldn't even bring herself to tell me the truth of that, it fucked me off so much and she knew it and she said she was sorry and of course she should tell me but she wouldn't tell me the truth of why she felt I couldn't handle the truth, like I am still a little child who she didn't want to upset and make me feel bad. I felt so angry and told her that I cant process truth and feel my emotions if I don't know, I have to know the truth, if there is something she needs to tell me she must tell me. In the past she has kept it all a secret or lied about something serious to me and I have only found out the truth in the recent years from my sister. I feel so unworthy, like I am not worth knowing truth, I cant handle it, its so crippling not to know the truth.
As she said the words 'dads got Cancer on his nose' my whole body slumped and then went into overwhelment, I felt a trickle of panic and terror run through me, I was in shock and it was the same shock as when Harry died, when they told me. My dad is going to die, and he might not, probably wont but in me the worst is going to happen, always. When mum went I felt ok as I went through my feelings about it. Then I went into the garden to hang out the washing and the washing line pole thing fell and hit me on the head and I was in total shock again, the same shock as I had just felt with dad. I have a lump on my head now and it hurts but it has helped me express my shock at hearing about dad, I couldn't believe I had just been hit on the head and that is how it felt hearing about dads cancer, a shock to my system. As I got hit on the head I shouted out "FUCK" and my neighbour looked at me in shock also, he was shocked at me swearing, just like dad used to be if I swore, it was event after event creating more shocking experiences for me, all to help me express my shock and disbelief at my dad having Cancer.
I went into the house and really cried the shock out, and as I sat there crying I felt like a little girl again and the memories cam to me of the fear I used to have at losing my dad, it all came back. I began to start feeling panic in me that he is going to die and it was all childhood panic feelings because I was feeling like a child and the memories took me right back to then. He is going to leave me, abandon me, desert me, but then I felt that he had already left me years ago, he had already died to me when I was a child. I realised that in me I was now feeling all of my childhood fantasies about my dad and how I, in my mind, had believed our relationship to be, all untrue and fantasies. I believed the fantasy that he loved me and I loved him, all untrue and made up like the perfect father/daughter relationship, I believed as a very young child, I had that even though I wasn't living it. I had never felt loved, it was all a fantasy idea of love and how it should be, how I wanted it to be and today, when mum told me, all of those fantasy dreams of our love came back to me, I am losing my perfect dad, who is always right, always loving, strong, protective, my saviour in life and I am losing him, this is what I was crying for and as I cried I could feel it wasn't real, what I was crying for wasn't real, It was my fantasy playing out from my childhood, so I let it go on and run its course and see the dream childhood life I led about my dad. I had to have this fantasy about him or it meant feeling the truth, the pain of not really being loved how I needed to be by him, my fantasy dad loved me and I loved him. I cant believe how I have now seen this false dad, my childhood dad wasn't real but I believed he was, he was all in my mind, what dad wanted me to believe about him and he believes still, this is how he was, a great loving dad.
I can now see the truth of my untrue relationship and I have finally connected with my childhood fantasy dad and seen through it all and it is amazing, like another veil has lifted from my eyes so I can see truth, God I love this so much, I feel so good knowing the truth of my fantasy dad and he has gone, its so amazing. My dads love for me was nothing but this mind created idea of a father/daughter ideal of love that he believed he was. I never felt an of it as being love, it was all in my mind and couldn't be felt as love in my heart and soul. I was just his daughter and he my father with nothing inbetween, no love connecting us like the glue, the cement that made me solid in the knowledge that I was loved, none of that. All my other relationships have been the same, no love to cement them, they were all showing me the truth of my relationship with my dad, all laying it out as this great loving fantasy at first, then the truth coming out, that there was no love and when the truth known and the fantasy dropped, you just want to split up and leave each other, which is how dad felt all the time, trying to get away.
All of my crying yesterday was the child in me crying for the loss of her fantasy dad, it wasn't real and as this came to be known to me, with Mother and Fathers help, I couldn't cry any more, as I realised it wasn't real, I was crying for an untrue fantasy of my dad, the dad I wanted and had created in my mind but it wasn't my dad I was crying for. The cold truth is that I never had my dad, he had died long ago to me, he had left me emotionally before I was even born and my feelings were taking me back to that time too. He was never with me in the way I believed as a child and these feelings of loss and grief were me losing my false mind created dad as the truth was showing me, I was crying for the loss of my fantasy dad and this creation of my mind was now finally leaving me. I was crying for the dad I never had, the one I wanted and needed all to deny the true relationship I had with my dad and my feelings have been telling me the truth of that all my life, I haven't felt loved, I have always felt abandoned and disconnected from love because of the truth of my relationship with dad.
As a child I believed dad loved me, I mistook being his daughter, for being loved by him and me loving him, its what happens, how it goes, of course he loves me and I love him, we are father and daughter, he is my dad but that is all mind rubbish, programmed shit, things that everyone says to be true but its all so wrong and I believed it all through my childhood, I had to believe it to survive and now I know the truth I feel like I cant survive knowing the truth of how unloved I really was and I felt it always but denied it. I blindly went along with it all, yet feeling so bad always, never having any proof that I was loved, I took it all for granted and never questioned it, why did I feel so bad if I was loved as my parents say I was? something was very wrong in me and I knew it, I felt it.
I never had his love in me from conception so I made it up for myself and with my parents help, with their false ideas of what love is, I took it all on with my mind, never feeling it though, so it cant have been true but my mind controlled me back then so I believed it and all of its programming. I grew up with fantasies of love and what it was because my first relationship with my dad was a fantasy not real so none of my other relationships could ever be real, they were based on no love. I grew up with the fantasies of my mind created love, all untrue and I cant tell you how huge that knowing is to me today, right now, I am feeling it as a huge awakening in me of how a life time of relationships were all untrue, what a waste but also what a gift to now know that and to learn what love is not.
Now my dad has cancer on his nose, I felt scared I would lose him, this fantasy dad, lose the dad I was having this fantasy relationship with, loosing the dad who loved me and I also loved, the dad of my mind and not the real true dad that I hardly know and don't feel any love from. All the fear has been that I am losing the fantasy finally of my childhood mind created dad, the dad I needed him to be but couldn't have. I am losing my childhood untrue dad, at last I see the truth of my childhood, I really see the dream of him and it is so good. I feel like I have been under and enchantment, a spell all my life and now it is broken. Deep in my was still this fantasy dad lurking, and this untruth from my childhood only came up for me to see because of mum coming over and telling me dad has cancer and this untrue fantasy dad came up in me instantly to see and that is the dad I cried for, not the real one who never said he loved me or came near me or had anything to do with me except go out to work and make the money for us to survive.
I felt shocked today to hear he has cancer, I could lose my fantasy dad, I felt the panic of an abandoned child come up in me. That word 'Cancer' it overwhelmed me to hear it, it suffocated me, smothered me like I was going to die. I couldn't cope with it, it was to much of a shock and what was the shock going to do to me, I wanted to shut down instantly, not exist, close up and die on hearing it all the feelings I felt as a child at the thought of ever losing my parents, my safety, my survival. It was to much, I couldn't breath, I am shutting down to the childhood horror and pain and I cant cope with the barrage of feelings coming into me right now and now I am taken to the womb and this is where it began, I can see it all. I am a tiny embryo, a baby growing in my mums womb and all I can feel is this overwhelming flow of bad feelings covering me, suffocating me, choking me, killing me, ending my life and its al to much. I'm not even out of the womb yet I am being attacked and I cant escape, I cant get away from the bad feelings, I am stuck in here with no where to go to get away, I am trapped here, bumping into walls. I feel like I am drowning under the weight of the blanket of bad feelings that surround me, I am so trapped and I am going to die in here, there is nothing I can do, I have to put up with it, I cant do anything about it all, I just have to feel bad, put up with it and that is how I feel now, I cant do anything about feeling bad except feel bad and that is how it was for me in the womb, I couldn't escape so I had to let them in. All of my panic throughout my life had come from the womb and my having to stay in a womb of overwhelming bad feelings without being able to escape, claustrophobic, agoraphobic being shut in with the bad feelings, not being able to escape, to get out and away from them, I was trapped and have always felt like that in life.
I am sure more will come up for me about this but I will end it there.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 13, 2019 19:53:39 GMT 10
I can now see even deeper and with more truth how my relationship with everything has been so false because of my false fantasy relationship with my parents, none of it is true, I am not true.
I was just making a hot lemon drink and I realised my relationship with that was even untrue, through my feelings of feeling why I was having it, its all untrue and I have to be it, do it, to find out the truth through how it makes me feel. Nothing of me is true because nothing of my relationship with my parents was true. I am all untruth as they were and I feel good in knowing that truth, the truth of me. I can accept it more now that I am untrue because I know how it happened and where it came from, I know the truth so I can accept it and I feel so much sympathy for myself now, compassion because I was born into it all by default, taking it on and wanting to be it. I feel softer with myself that I am unable to change as I was unable to change what happened to me in the womb, I had to take it all on, I couldn't fight it, I had no where to go, I couldn't escape from it and it is the same now for me. All I can do is be it all, feel it all and because I have felt my feelings about it I can now accept my wrongness so much more instead of banishing it from me, give it a cuddle and take it in and stop rejecting it out of me.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 14, 2019 0:09:49 GMT 10
I am back to feeling really bad again. All I can think about is eating sweet stuff but I feel so bad about it, bad about putting on weight and looking fat, I don't want to but I want the sweet stuff more. I feel so hopeless, I cant help myself, I cant stop myself eating it, I want it, I long for it and I feel so useless and hopeless about having it. I eat it and while loving the taste of it I feel awful, guilty, bad, weak, fat, ugly, useless, pointless, hopeless to not do it. I do it and feel all of this hopelessness as I chew it and swallow it, fucking useless, weak, powerless, I hate myself for being like this, hate, hate, hate myself for wanting it so much, for feeling so needy as I long for more to make me feel good and very bad also, at the same time. I feel like I have nothing without it, its all I have that is good and I want it constantly, to feel good constantly so I eat more and more, feeling so bad about myself, so powerless and weak that I let this stuff control me, it has me and I cant resist it.
The sweet chocolate in the fridge is all I can think about as I write this, wanting it more and more with such a powerful longing. I ask Mother and Father to help me see the truth of it, I want to know, I want to feel the truth of my longing for something that controls me so much, it pulls me to it, it makes me need it while taking me away from myself even more. It wants me to want and need it above all else for my survival and happiness. I cant cope without it, it is my parents and how they made me depend on them for my happiness and all good feelings, they came from them and that is how they wanted it so they could feel in control and powerful. I need the chocolate for my good feelings as I needed them but both were false.
I have a false relationship with the chocolate as I had with my parents believing I needed them above all else to make me feel good but like the chocolate they didn't, it was a constant good/bad relationship, confusing to a child and an adult. God I love the taste of chocolate, so sweet, so good In my mouth and that is where it ends all the goodness is being experienced in my mouth, the taste, texture, sweetness then it goes down my throat and its over, so quick and then nothing else, its gone, I want more.
I feel like there is a cord going from me to the chocolate and it keeps pulling me, nudging me to go to it, teasing me, enticing me in, tricking me to eat it, telling me it is good and I cant live without it, I must have it for my survival, if I am to have any good feelings I am to eat it or I will be left longing for something I cant have, mustn't have, its bad and naughty and I will get fat. Its like two voices running in my head and fighting with each other and I wish they would fuck off.
I just had a chocolate bar and it was so good, oh my god so good but I feel so bad too, so fucking weak and powerless to do anything about it, I cant change my longing for it, I have to have it or its all I think about. All of these feelings I have kept away by controlling myself on diets, all my life this longing has been supressed in me and now it is coming out and I am letting it have its way. I am no longer saying "NO" to myself as my parents did, I am no longer being them to me but I still have them in me saying how bad I am as I eat it and enjoy every bit of it, fuck I feel so bad now, yet it was so good. Everything I want to do has such a bad consequence for me. My will is always punished by my parents will for me. I am going against them and doing what I want and I feel so bad about it so I cant enjoy anything for myself because they are always in my head telling me off or telling me the bad consequences of having what I want. I cant escape from them, I never could, even in the womb I can see myself moving, kicking out trying to escape from them and how bad they are making me feel but I cant. I am trapped now with them inside of me instead of me inside of them, or mum's womb, should I say. I still have their feelings bombarding me in all I do just as they did when I was in the womb, no escape from them and their feelings on how they want me to be. As I ate the chocolate, they were with me telling me "NO".
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 14, 2019 0:36:33 GMT 10
I am feeling even more useless and powerless now as I sit here and feel how I feel about eating that chocolate. I had to have it and I knew how I would feel after but I had to have it. I am so fucking useless and pointless and weak. I cant say NO. I have to eat it. Now I feel terrible and so scared that if I cant say NO, then I will be saying yes all the time and putting on so much weight and it scares me so much, where will it all end?
I feel like there is no hope for me, just leave me, just forget about me as I am such a hopeless loser that cant control herself anymore and I cant, I mean that. I have lost the control to deny myself, to say no to myself if I want something. If I want it then its a yes, go and have it but this scares me, it feels so out of control. Diets are control, they are saying NO to myself, they are my parents telling me to be how they want me to be and how they think I would be best. I cant do that any more, the control has gone and now I am saying yes to myself and it feels so wrong, but it is my 'Will' so right for me so maybe being over weight/fat isn't wrong, it saying 'Yes' to myself when my parents would have said no and stopped me. But even the Yes is based on errors inside me, feeling unloved so needing substitutes for that missing love I should have felt from my parents and the sweet stuff I am saying 'Yes' to is also wrong because it is based on feeling so unloved, I need to fill my self with outside substitute 'loving' feelings which should have come from my parents but didn't.
I feel so confused and so fucked up about this. This is such a big deal for me as I always felt so good being slim, yet now I know that was all more denial of how unloved I truly felt so had to keep myself slim to get my loving feelings from others, I was wanted, liked being slim, it was all just more addiction to get my feelings met.
I have put on some weight and I feel so unwanted, this is exactly what I didn't want to feel so I stayed slim so I wouldn't have to feel the truth of how unloved I really felt. Now I am feeling it all and it is awful, I feel so unimportant, uninteresting, unattractive, all of the un's. Fuck I hate myself, I don't even feel like I am worth getting out of bed, getting dressed or anything. I just want to hide because I feel so unloved and unwanted. I am nothing, really nothing, absolutely Nothing and I am so ashamed of being like this, I don't want anyone to ever see me again I feel so awful and disgusting and gross. I just want to hide away under my blanket on my couch until I die and get this over with and carry on in spirit.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 14, 2019 5:53:02 GMT 10
I have just eaten half a chocolate Easter Egg and my whole face has gone red and is hot and burning because I was full up already with my dinner. I am so full up, I have to be so full up like there is no more room and I couldn't just eat a little bit of that egg, I had to have the whole half in one go. My sister would have had a tiny bit and saved the rest, a memory has just come to me of us as kids and I would eat all of mine and she would still have hers weeks later, it would annoy me how she wasn't a greedy gannet like I am, how does she do that, save them and not want to stuff the lot like I do. Its still fucking annoying to me now. I am getting hotter as I feel about it, shit I am boiling hot now, a hot flush is coming and its fuelled with anger and shame at my greed.
I was already full up so why did I need to eat that Egg? I am so fucked off with myself that it is never enough. Now I feel sick I am so full. Why cant I be like my sister and not need to be so greedy, so addicted. I want and want and want all the time, I feel so depraved all the time. Fuck I am so angry with myself. I am so fucking useless, I have to eat it all, is this what I have been hiding all these years, is this what I have been denying all these years by being on diets, shutting off this part of me that is so in need, so desperately in want and need, so depraved and consumes everything she can. What the fuck!!!
I give in, I cant stop being like this, I am so in need inside, so desperate to fill myself with good stuff, fuck I hate myself right now, I am so useless, such a pig, so in need all the time, so full of lack and loss of any good, loving feelings that I have to grab what I can when I can as I might never have it again so I grab it all. I a such a no hoper, there is no hope for me, I am a lost cause, fuck I hate myself, I give up with myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 14, 2019 7:31:13 GMT 10
Just cleaning my teeth and the thought came to me that I never remember being shown how to clean my teeth properly or take care of them. It has always been a chore I hated and I never took the time with my children either. I feel bad about that, neglectful not teaching them to look after themselves properly. I did to them what was done to me and I couldn't be bothered as my parents couldn't with me. I was cleaning my teeth and I always remember being left to it, to do it myself and not ever doing it properly. I didn't use toothpaste because it made me gag so I only used water. I have had to learn how to do it myself and through a lot of tooth pain as a child, I had to be more thorough. If I had been shown how important it was to look after myself I wouldn't have had to go through so much distress at the dentist. I suppose they couldn't be bothered, there was four of us and they couldn't spread themselves that thin. I was lazy with my children too, I couldn't be bothered, it was to much hard work and they have suffered as I did. I neglected myself as I was neglected and I did that to my children. I feel terrible as I see the truth of my bad parenting and I believed I was a good mum like my parents also believed, I was so wrong and as more truth comes up, I feel worse.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 14, 2019 8:23:10 GMT 10
So many feelings to feel in e everything I do, I just switched off my main bedroom light and I was left I pure darkness because I had forgotten to turn on my side light and in that moment I felt my childhood fear of the dark si I left it for a short time and I was scared. What was lurking in the dark to get me, I could feel the fear rise up in me just like when I was a child. It was so dark, I couldn't see anything, I was not in control because I couldn't see around me and see that nothing bad was there, there was no bogie man under the bed, behind the curtain or in the cupboard.
Now a memory has come up of dad reading bed time stories to my sister before we went to sleep. He would sit on her bed, we shared a room, and read some of her favourite books and some of them were in scary haunted castles, books like the famous five and enid blighton and other childhood mystery stories but I was younger and some of them scared me. I didn't want him to turn the light out when he had finished, I was to scared. My sister was fine and loved the stories but I was afraid of some of them. They carried on playing in my mind and when the lights went out I was scared those characters were in my room hiding ready to scare me.
That was how I just felt, the same feelings of the bogie man being there, in the dark, in my room. A childhood fear that is still running in me and I felt it in that instant of being in darkness. Not being safe, being scared, only safe when the light is on and I can see everything is ok, there is no one there. The dark still scares me as it did as a child, all those fears are still there that something is going to scare me, terrify me and I cant do anything about it as it was with my parents and me being a child, they could scare me and I couldn't do anything about it, I was powerless. Even a "No Sam" from them was enough to make me jump and scare me, something that we all do as parents but dont realise how terrifying it is to a child, that's the real bogie man.
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