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Post by samantha9 on Sept 27, 2020 6:06:39 GMT 10
I am literally fucked! I just had a bath and didn't even have the power and strength to push myself up and out of the bath, my shoulder is so bad that I couldn't use it to get myself out of the bath. I went into a bit of panic and thought i would have to call someone to get me out, just like a little baby. So humiliating to think of not being able to help myslef any more. I feel so utterly powerless and all strength in my left arm is going.
I have had pain all week in my back and it has been moving around into different places and for the past few days it is behind my left shoulder blade, right in deep where I cant get to. I can't twist or move around, i have to move in a very rigid way so not to twist the pain and make it worse. I am such a wreck and have been crying most of the week because of the intense pain I am in. I pray to Mother and Father to help me know the truth of my pain but every time I do it just gets worse and more intense.
Right now I am feeling so scared about this pain and what it will do next to hurt and scare me. I am terrified of the severity of the pain and one wrong move and that is it, I am doubled over in pain, close to passing out or being sick with the pain. I dont think I will ever be out of pain, I feel it will just get worse until I am in a wheel chair, totally disabled and having to be looked after like a baby having to have everything done for me.
My pain is telling me how unsupported I am, so much so that I can't even support myself, I just want to fall to the ground like an empty sack. As a child I couldn't support myself, mum did it all for me and now I am in the same position, I can't support myself in any way. I am to useless and in to much pain to do anything, even my back is giving up on me, the pain is to intense to even stand straight and I am in shock that my childhood denied feelings were this bad. That I was in this much pain but didn't want to know it and every time I ask Mother and Father for help they give it to me by making me more aware of the pain of my denied and suppressed Childhood feelings, I was in so much pain as a child, so weak and so unable to support myself as my back pain is now showing me.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 28, 2020 2:55:33 GMT 10
Feeling this bad has taken me back to when I was young and ill. I liked it, I liked being ill, I was comforted by illness, it felt snug and I felt cared about and loved by my parents as they let me stay in bed with the things I liked doing. It was such a good feeling, so looked after and tucked in, like a warm fuzzy feeling, like I was being hugged and cared about although I dont remember the hugs but that is the feeling I had. I could just be myself when I was ill, nothing was expected of me, I could just be my weak pathetic self, as powerless as I felt in my illness. No one wanted me to do anything but I was left to be ill and it was comfortable, in my warm bed, having mum to myself, it was just me and her, nice! I miss that, right now I want that but there is no one to give it to me and my parents were only like that if I felt ill and had time off school, the other time they were just normal parents just going through the motions of being a parent, begrudgingly. I wanted to be cared about like that all the time and I still do, I only got it when I was ill so no wonder I was so ill all m life because that was the only time I got their love and attention. I want that love and attention now, while I am in this pain, that is what I want but I cant get it from anyone. I want it, my body and soul is crying out for it, for that support and care but it is no where to be found and it makes me feel so lonely and rejected, unwanted and uncared about, like I am just a pain and the physical pain I am in tells me just how much of a pain I was to my parents.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 11, 2021 5:12:09 GMT 10
I am just realising how much tension I hold in my body, from time to time I catch myself relaxing my neck, my shoulders, my arms, chest stomach and legs, wow, I naturally hold myself in a state of tension and I have to physically unclench myself and when I do it is so amazing to feel my whole body drop from its tautness. Then unconsciously, I naturally go back to holding myself taut, it is how I have been all my life, how i have learnt to carry myself all uptight like I have to be on alert for the fight or flight danger that awaits me.
When I let my muscles relax from my tautness it feels nice but not safe at all, I feel open and vulnerable to attack, it begins to feel uncomfortable and I am not used to being in a relaxed state so I go back to my safety position of all of my muscles tightening up and being ready. My stomach muscles are the tightest and my shoulders, when I drop them I must lose a couple of inches and my stomach is constantly clenched up, what an awful way to be but it is me and how I have had to be. Nervous and ready for attack, always on edge so much so that it is just o natural for me to be this way and I can't not be like it. Even in my sleep I clench my jaw and my neck muscles are all up tight, its horrible to be like this. So scared all the time, no let up from it. Relaxing just doesn't feel right to me and I can't do it, I have had to be alert and up tight.
I was a nervous and scared child and I am still that same child, I can't be any other way. I was like it in my mums womb and I am still trapped in her womb, holding myself so tightly, all cramped up inside her and I am still there. I can't be free of how I felt in mums womb, I am still in her womb living my life cramped up in her and not being able to escape or spread myself out i fear of hurting her and she will prod my through her stomach. I would stretch out a foot or my back would protrude out as I turned and she didn't like it, she didn't like the feeling of my growing inside of her and now I can't grow outside of her because I am scared of hurting someone and them hating me for causing them bad feelings as I did mum when I was in her womb. I could hear her say "This dam baby is on the move again, God it feels awful and weird, look, there's a foot sticking out of me, I hate the feeling" now I feel every one hates the feelings I give them so I hold myself tight and my muscles taught so I don't cause anyone to feel bad. I was scared to grow inside of mum and I am scared to grow out in life, scared to try anything new, scared to stretch myself in life in the fear of making someone uncomfortable like I did to mum. So I just hold myself taught and don't relax as if I do then I am up for attack.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 11, 2021 5:37:48 GMT 10
TIRAMISU - It is the best thing ever created, I just want more and more of it, I want so much of it that I feel sick. If I know its in the fridge I can't get it out of my head, I have to eat it. It stops me feeling bad for a moment, it makes me feel so good. Fuck its so good. Why do i want it so much? because it gives me the beautiful, ecstasy feelings I long for, nothing tastes so good. I want to feel good all the time so I eat chocolate or something that I love, I want to feel good all the time so I eat chocolate all the time. I only want to feel good, it was how it had to be at home with mum and dad, we had to feel good all the time, be happy all the time, not being aloud to moan or complain or be sad without them trying to cheer me p all the time with food, sweets "Come on Sam, this will make you feel better" my mum would say as she gave me a lolly or chocolate or biscuit. Now I am still that little child not allowing myself to feel bad so I do what mum taught me to do, go and get something sweet to shut my bad feelings up. She didn't want to hear me complain so distracted me with sweets or cakes. She taught me that sweets will always make me feel good and now I want them all the time, I crave them.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 12, 2021 23:47:30 GMT 10
Lock down restrictions are getting more tougher in the UK, people getting arrested for sitting on park benches with someone else, shops coming down on customers like fucking Nazi's. I don't go out much anyway, only for the necessities but shit, its getting made crazy and nothing is stopping Covid or what ever it is. I went through a phase of not wearing my mask and realised through my feelings, that I was being rebellious, it was my parents telling me what I had to do or I would be in trouble. Now I can't even be bothered with any rebellion, I just put my mask on and do as I am told, I am the perfect citizen doing exactly what I am told and I don't have any will to fight. I would only be fighting my parents anyway and whenever I tried that as a child, I could never win and I can't win now. I give up completely and do as I am told knowing they have taken my will completely just as my parents did.
This C-Virus is helping to show me just how it was with my and my parents and unconsciously that is what it is doing to every one, we are not fighting the Government or the Virus, we are fighting the lockdown of our parents and how restricted we were as children, how defiant we were towards them, just as the protesters are now, shouting in the face of the 'Will' takers, screaming at them "We wont do as you ask so you can all fuck off". Its all just as being the same angry children as were always were, we are no different. I can remember how I would protest and hate my parents but never to their faces, I had to go to my room and hate them so they couldn't hear me as if they did, I would be in so much trouble so even now I will protest to myself so no one can hear, I am still that child protesting inside myself but complying with everything they say I have to do, all against my own will but I have to do it in fear of getting told off. I can have all the tantrums I want about it all but it all has to be within me, no one can hear it, its not allowed. Only me and God know how I feel.
Yes, this Virus is helping me connect even more to how it was for me as a child and how I still am, I am still that child, no different at all. Mum and dad would say "No you can't go out Sam, you have to stay in because we have told you to do so, don't be defiant Sam do as you are told, you are being naughty go to your room and don't speak to any one until you can do as you are told, You can't go here Sam you can't go their, you can't mix with those people Sam, be in at a certain time......" and it goes on and on! Restrictions all the way, Will taken all the time, being told what to do and how to do it, shit its no wonder I find it so hard to function in life and now we have it globally to show every person on Earth just how it was for them as children with their parents. This is no different and it might take us all the way back to when we were babies with our parents having them do everything for us as the Government take full control over us and our lives, housing us, giving us money, feeding us, putting us into childcare in camps specially made to control us, to see where all of this could end up is taking us right to the beginning of our lives with our parents, being 100% controlled by our parents with us not being able to do anything for ourselves.
We didn't have any say over the vaccines we had as babies and that will probably end up being the same with the covid vaccine as they make it mandatory for every one to have it. As far as I can see nothing is any different than when I was a baby and child with my parents having my will taken, never being ask 'what would i like' but just being forced into it by my parents, it was what they wanted for me so I had no say.
I can see that how I feel about this Virus and all the restrictions is the same as how I felt about my parents and all of their restrictions over me and my WILL. I just give in and comply, be the good girl they want me to be while all the time hating it all, moaning under my breath so they can't hear me but still, complying. I express all of my bad feelings to Mother and Father now but as a child I didn't have them, I had no one to express to so it all stayed inside of me. Now I am very vocal about my feelings and make sure I get them out in the moment. I think, if we could all see it, the whole world is being plunged down into their denied and supressed childhood bad feelings by this global pandemic, its a good thing, showing us just how it was for us with our parents.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 18, 2021 10:02:19 GMT 10
I don't know what to write about it's just that I am so bored. Everything's always the same, every day so boring. I want something to change, I am so fed up with being so bored. I wish I could feel some change in me, I wish I could feel Gods Divine Love flowing into me but I can't. I want some sort of good feeling just as I always did as a child, I am just th same kid. I would fantasize about something so good happening to me and I am still doing that right now. I want the excitement of something so good happening but there is nothing, it is just so boring, the same boredom that I felt as a child living at home with my parents, in there house, with their restrictions. I was trapped and that is how I feel now, trapped in the same boredom.
I am writing this instead of feeling my bad feelings, although I am kind of feeling them and writing about how I feel. This boredom is so frustrating because I am trapped in it, I can't escape from it, it has me and I feel like I want to fucking scream I feel so Trapped by it. I want changes to happen to me but nothing changes, it's the same monotony every day, the same routine every morning, just like it was as a child living in my parents routine for me. I am still in it and there is no way out of it, they have programmed my mind to be this way and to do this every morning like a fucking robot.
I woke up this morning and did exactly as I do every morning. I get up and sit on the edge of my bed, I then lean on the windowsill and look out the window, then I put on my pink dressing gown and go down stairs and put the news on then go into the kitchen to make toast and drink my first pint of mineral water, then I sit on my couch and put on my computer and so the day goes on, in the same way it does every day. So fucking boring but I cant make myself do anything differently, I don't want to. All I can do is what I have been programmed to do.
It's all such a waste of life to live a life put into me by my parents and not to live my own life but I have no idea what I would want to do all I can do is what I have been programmed to do. I dont know how my life would be living it through my own will, I don't know what I want to do and right now I am just feeling so programmed. I fucking hate it, I hate living this way.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 23, 2021 23:46:02 GMT 10
Just sat on the edge of my bed crying about how had it it all is, life is so hard when we have chose to live in Rebellion of God, it is so fucking hard to live like this. So hard being a part of this unloving way of living, struggling for every penny and society chucking you out if you don't have the money to survive.
I read a story about a family who were packing up their car with all they could carry because they had been evicted due to their business collapsing due to Covid and they could no longer pay their mortgage or rent. There was a photo of them packing their car up and the photo had been taken from a woman across the street watching them and telling the story, she offered to help them and wanted to offer her sympathies but they asked just to be left alone at this devastating time for them. I feel so helpless for them and it brought it home to me just what we have all been born into, not being asked if it is what we want but it has already been set up by our for fathers for us, a default way to live in such an unloving system of life, I fucking hate it, I don't want to live like this any more but I have no choice, none of us do as we have all been born into the rebellion and default and this is the life we have chosen, all against God and I hate it.
I don't want to live like this any more, it is to cruel, it is to evil, it is to unloving, I hate it, I don't want it but what can I do, I am stuck in it, all the mess and shit, I am in it!
I said the Divine love prayer, crying to God to help me feel all my feelings and let me feel their love for me, I feel so desperate for them to love me. I cry to them about the evilness of the world and how hard it is to live in it and tell them how much I want to live their way, I want to come back to them and live their way not this evil way of existing. I beg them with all my heart that I want their way not this way, but I am stuck in it and there is no escape for me. All I can do is keep feeling my bad feelings and the soul destroying life that I have been born into. Why the hell do people carry on having children, it is the saddest thing for me to see, people still bringing children into a world of evil. How can that be loving when the people on this planet are so evil and a new life is born into it!!!!
I don't want to be like this any more, I can hardly bear the things I see and hear, it crushes me to the core of my being, I feel so devastated by how we treat each other, throwing families out on the streets because they have hit hard times through no fault of their own. Christ I hate how we live! I don't want to live like this any more but I am trapped in it all just as I was trapped in my own family life as a child. I had to live their way, my parents way just like I have to live this way with the Governments telling us what to do and how to live, knowing they have now taken over from our parents, we are all still being parented and we want it! We wait for them to tell us when we can come out of lockdown just like mum and dad telling us when we can come out of our rooms when we have been naughty. Fuck! I hate this but I can't do anythiing about it. I might moan about it and hate it and kick and scream about how I feel about it all but I am trapped in it. The only difference is that now I am a grown up, I can voice how it makes me feel out loud whereas as a child I couldn't, I had to keep quiet and supress it all inside me.
I so want to live Mother and Fathers way, I am desperate for it to begin for me, to be at one with them instead of living this hell that is so against them. I am so tired of being so fucked in this fucked up world, I am so tired and exhausted with it all, I want to change but that is up to Mother and Father, not me, but when will that be? I don't know only they do. Am I close? Am I miles away from it? I have no idea where abouts I am in all of this but I so want to be changed, I am so tired of it all now. I am so weary that some days I can hardly carry myself. When will it happen Mother and Father?
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 28, 2021 11:07:04 GMT 10
I fucking hate myself so much right now. Inside and out, every bit of me I hate, there is nothing I like, I hate it all. I wish I could punch myself, beat myself up with the rage I feel for myself, stab myself and just keep stabbing until I no longer exist. God I despise myself, ever bit of me if wrong and awful in every way, every part of me is against Love and God. I am the vilest creature on the planet and should be put down. I am a waste of life, just so useless and so bad and wrong.
I hate myself to the depths of hate. I give up with myself,I am so fucking useless in every way. I can see how I am being and can't stop being like it and it makes me die inside when I see what I am doing and hear the things I say, just so fucking pathetic, such a people pleaser, so sickeningly pathetic that I still need others to like me so much.
Everything I do is evil, wrong, pathetic, sickening and I despair at how I am. I can't stop being like this, I just get worse and to see the truth of how I am, it kills me inside that I am like it. I see exactly how I am being in life and it is so pathetic and painful. I can't change. Only God can change me when I have seen all the truth there is to see about myself and yet more comes, is there no end to all of my untruth. I feel like I am sinking in the despair of it all.
I hate myself, I can't stand how I am. I hate how I look, I hate every mouthful of food I shovel down knowing I can't stop. I hate that I go to the shops especially for chocolate or tiramisu or both and cant wait to get home to eat it all like fucking junkie. God I could scream, I hate everything about myself.
This is how I am, this is me right now and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate myself to the extreme right now and I have always felt like this just covered it up . Now, there is no covering it up, all the ugly truth of me is coming out and it is hideous. I am hideous and I hate myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 31, 2021 8:58:02 GMT 10
Today I am feeling like I have sunk into even deeper non-acceptance of myself. There is such a strong nagging in me that I don't want to be like this even though it is how I am. I hate it, I hate every part of me even deeper than yesterday and with every day that hate grows. I want to be someone else, someone pretty, someone skinny, someone acceptable to others but it isn't the truth and I know that yet I have such a yearning to be so perfect and acceptable to every one, only then can I accept myself. If others think bad of me then I can't bear it, I so want to be how they want me to be, then it will all be good and I will be happy. I know this isn't the truth and it isn't right but it is how I am feeling today. I can't accept myself how I am, I hate the weight I have put on, I feel so gross and so unattractive and hated by everyone because I am not perfect and I hate myself for it. I want to be skinny again, like I used to be, I was accepted like that, liked and wanted but now I am nothing, absolutely nothing and I can't even bear to look at myself. I have become every thing I hated in a woman, I have become everything my parents hated in people, so I am now 'The Hated'. My parents would make jibes about anyone over weight or not perfect in their eyes and I have now become that person and I am so ashamed of myself.
I felt ok with myself a few weeks ago, like I was accepting how I now am but that must have been more of me bullshitting myself because I am now in this deep devastation of how I look and my all over evilness of how I am as a person. I criticize others and am so judgemental just as my parents were and I hear myself but I can't stop being like it, it is the truth of my evilness. I don't feel like I will ever be any different, just this evil, monster of a person.
I see beautiful women with beautiful figures and I feel like dying inside as I remember how I used to be, now I am everything I hated in a woman. I have become the one that I would criticise and laugh about and point at and hate, I am now her and I can't feel any like or love for any part of me. I hate all of me fully, every part of me is repulsive and I am NOTHING! This is how I felt about people that are not perfect and beautiful, they are NOTHING and now I am the same, I am NOTHING. I can't believe how much hate I have had in me for myself and others, how I would judge them for not being my idea of perfect, my parents idea of perfect. I am still in denial that this is me, I don't want to believe I am now an older overweight woman who is no longer wanted by society and never really has been truly wanted by anyone, only if I am their idea of perfect.
There is such a pull in me, like a desperate grief that I am now this Nothing person that no one wants. I wish I was pretty, I wish I was skinny and had a great figure, I wish I was admired by Men because I would use my body and my looks to feel wanted by Men and that has all gone now and now all I am left with is the truth of how unloved i was by my Dad and I have tried to get that love from men but i had to be perfect to do that and I know that sounds conceited of me but I don't know how else to put it. I was ok looking and I used that to get what I needed from Men, a little slut at times.
To lose my figure and my looks has been so tough for me, it was my power, it was all I had and I loved the feeling I would get when I was looked at by men, I have to be honest here and I am making myself cringe but it is true, I loved the admiration and attention of Men and now I don't even get a second look and I feel completely nothing. I have been reduced down to the Nothingness that was the driving force to be pretty and slim, I didn't want to feel it and now I have to. I am it, I am the Nothing I tried to avoid all my life, I am the Nothing child that my parents made me feel like, like I was Nothing and I didn't exist to them, especially Dad, so I became something to all Men.
It is so hard to accept I am no longer that person, it has been such a risk to stop using my mind to keep being that unreal person who wasn't me but was what every one else wanted me to be. The real me is this! this overweight person who looks nothing without all of the make up and hair and cloths and shoes and all the other fakery fantasy stuff I needed to keep me feeling wanted by Men, Women don't matter, it was just Men that I wanted attraction from because I wanted it from my dad when I was a child. Shit it has fucked me up so bad not having my Fathers Love, it has ruined my life completely. The slim me wasn't real, it was who I had to be to feel wanted, it was a lie but I liked how I looked and I miss it but I also know that it wasn't really me at all, it was who my parents created me to be otherwise I would be rejected by the world.
The real me is this person I hate, this person I despise and I don't think I could ever Love or even Like her because it has been ground into me that this is wrong, to be like this is wrong, to be overweight is wrong, to not wear make up is wrong, to wear baggy cloths is wrong, to not be sexy is wrong so everything I now am is so wrong and that feeling is still inside me but I know this is who I really and truly am, this is me!
The more weight I have put on, the more my hate for myself has grown, I am not huge but anything over a size 12 is overweight to me because my mum was always a size 8, tiny, and she was proud of being like that and judged anyone bigger than her and my dad liked her like that so these are my teachers who taught me that being overweight is so wrong and those people wont and cant be loved and now that is how i feel, there is no hope for me of ever being loved or wanted. There is no one for me, I can't ever imagine anyone wanting me at all! I would have no idea of how to let someone love me or for me to love someone else, it just isn't in me to feel love.
I feel really awful right now, so deep in my self hate and repulsion and knowing that this is how my parents felt about me too, they couldn't love me just as I can't love me and I feel so hopeless.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 31, 2021 23:19:43 GMT 10
I feel so tired today, worn out with feeling so bad all the time. All I want to do is sleep now. Every morning I wake up feeling unwell and as the day goes on it begins to lift and I feel ok but it is so tiring. All of these bad feelings I once would have denied and ignored or medicated but now I have to feel them thoroughly until there is nothing left in me and it is hard and it is tiring. I just want to sleep I ma so drained, yesterday was a very tough day for me, constantly feeling my bad feelings as I delve into my self hate even further. I thought I had nearly finished my healing, I really did but no! there is more for me to get into and it has been a shock for me to feel the bottomless pit of self hate.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 4, 2021 7:58:07 GMT 10
I am feeling so pissed off that I can't feel love, I so want to feel something, even just a twinge of it, but nothing. I want it to fill my heart and soul so much that it overflows and I definitely know I have felt some love, I want to be moved to tears with the love inside me but there is nothing, fucking nothing.
It doesn't exist, it is all bullshit, rubbish, total crap. There is no love, its all in the mind, some sick idea of love made up and passed on to us by the minds of our parents, all bullshit and fantasy mind love, nothing that the heart can feel. I am so sick of this!
I long for Mother and Fathers love and sometimes I haven't done it for ages and I feel I might just give it a go, you never know, it might just surprise me and come, all wishful thinking. I sit there longing with all my heart but nothing comes to me and now I don't even believe it will ever come to me, is it even real, who the fuck knows!!!
I read about others receiving it and I feel envious, what the fuck! why not me, what is wrong with me! So I totally give up. I am sad, very sad about this, that I can't feel any love from Mother and Father or anyone. I can't imagine ever feeling any love, I don't think it will ever come to me. I feel in such despair right now, deep and desperate despair that I can't feel love. What am I to do? I fee like I am so hopeless an useless and will never be loved just be the one watching everyone else being and getting the love, the love that I want! Shit I can feel suc an anger and rage in me brewing. I am an unloved child being told she is loved, "of course we love you darling" ok, you say that but why can't I feel it, all I can do is hear your words and they are going into my brain but not touching my heart, why doesn't my heart work, what is wrong with me that I can't feel mummy and daddies love, the love they are telling me that they feel for me, I want to scream. I am in terror, in panic because something must be wrong with me if I can't feel their love. Mum and Dad are telling me they love me, they say it now and again and every time they say it, I can't feel it, its only words with no meaning or feeling attached to them. It is me not them, it is my fault I can't feel their love, yes, it is all me, all my fault. It is my fault I can't feel their love for me, there is something wrong with me, it can't be them because they are so sure they love me, with no question and they wouldn't lie to me, would they? No, I trust them that they love me, so it is ME! And this is how I feel about not being able to receive Mother and Fathers love for me, it is the same as when I was a child.
Now I fee terrible, like I am a freak child, something is wrong with me, I am crazy and very bad, there is something missing in me that I can't feel their love for me. If I can't feel their love for me then it can't be true or real, or else I would feel it, wouldn't I? I am so confused, I am in a state of confusion and I am only tiny, I don't know what to believe. I have to believe mum and dad, they wouldn't lie to me. I believe them and that it is me and my problem that I can't feel their love. I am a freak, something is wrong with me, they missed out my love receptors at birth so I can't feel love. I am wrong, I need fixing, I am hopeless, their is no hope for me.
I am empty and surely if mum and dad loved me I would feel full up and content knowing I had their love inside of me, but I don't, I am so empty and need everything to fill me up and to fill the void inside of me, the place where mum and dads love should have been. I need cake, I need chocolate, I need all the food, I need money, I need security all to fill this emptiness where their love should have been, they didn't love me or I would be filled up with it, so sure of myself but I am the opposite, so empty and so without love.
If I had their love inside of me I wouldn't feel so empty and so lost, I have always felt like this, even in my empty childhood I knew something was missing from inside me and it was/is my parents love and now I can't love or feel love or receive Mother and Fathers Divine Love and I don't think I ever will. It is all so pointless and hopeless to me, it will never happen to me, I will just have to go on watching it happen to everyone else as I had to watch it happen between my older sister and my parents, she got it all, well, all they were capable of giving which wasn't a lot but it was more than I got. I can remember watching the three of them, they had and still do have a connection unlike I have with them and I was jealous of what they had, I wanted it but never could get it and it is the same with Mother and Fathers Divine Love, others getting it and me just watching it happen and never getting it myself, it all makes me so sad. I feel so unloved and unwanted and like it is killing me inside, devastating.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 4, 2021 23:47:28 GMT 10
I feel so deserted by Mother and Father, so forgotten and left out, left behind to watch all the others before me get the love they need. I am this tiny little child looking up at Mother and Father with my arms outstretched for them to pick me up and notice me but they don't see me. Mother and Father don't even know I exist, I don't exist to them, I am just here, waiting for them to see me and realise they have left me out of their love and to tell me they are so sorry and that they will give me all the love that I need from now on but that is just a fantasy. I wont be seen, I never was and I am still that little child waiting to be seen, noticed and loved, for them to realise what they have done and pick me up and love me and for me to feel it from them. I want their love to hit me so hard right in the heart that I feel it and it is a huge experience for me and then I will really know that I have just felt their love for me. Where is my fucking Love! I want it now!
They have fucking well deserted me, I feel so abandoned right now, so fucking lost because they don't love me. Shit they are so fucking useless as parents, I hate them so much that I want to scream in their faces that they are constantly hurting me by not loving me how I need to be loved by them. I long and Long for their Divine Love but it never comes, what the fuck is wrong with me that they have to deny me their love, Evil fuckers, that is what they are, pure Evil. I hate them to hell right now for what they are doing to me, I fucking hate them, I want them to not exist any more and feel like I am feeling, like some nothing useless creature who is so rejected by them, that it how i am feeling. I hate them so much, they are useless parents to me.
Why, Why don't you love me, Why don't you hear me calling for your love. I don't exist to you, you hate me and don't want me to exist, I am just a pain to you, a nothing. It feels like I am dying every day without your love and all it would take is a tiny drop of your love to make me feel you and that you are real and that you love me but no, nothing, I get nothing form you at all. It is like you don't hear me or see me, I don't exist to you. You have passed me by and forgotten that I need you and your love to survive and my whole life has been about my safety in this world, not feeling like I can or will survive and that is all because I never felt your love for me and it made me feel like I would die any moment so I have led a life of fear of my own survival because I didn't have your love inside me to make me feel safe.
What the fuck do I have to do to get you to love me, I long and I long for your love and I get nothing from you, it is like you are not real to me and don't even exist and I am just longing to the fucking wall.
Do You Exist because it feels like you don't!
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 5, 2021 0:11:31 GMT 10
I feel so utterly deserted by Mother and Father, I know I keep going over the same shit but I have to , it is how I am feeling right now, so fucking deserted by them. It is like I am walking around in my own life with something so important missing from me. I am going round doing my life but I am empty, the core of me is missing and it is Love and there is nothing I can do to get it. God doesn't hear me so what chance do I have, None!
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 9, 2021 22:32:32 GMT 10
I have only come to write on here right now because I am so fucking bored. There is nothing to do and lockdown isn't anything to do with it, I don't go out anyway. I am just so bored. There is no onw to talk to and nothing to do so I am just sitting on my couch with the big arse dent in it, looking out at the falling snow. I am in my pyjamas still with no incentive to get dressed. I am so bored. How does being bored feel? Well its a huge emptiness and I keep wanting to get up and look out the window just to see something that might interest me but their is nothing. I can hear the bin men reversing up my street to take my rubbish but that is boring too. I feel like this is how it will be forever for me, NOTHING!
This boredom feels so pointless, really what is the point in living in such nothingness with no future, it feels like I am just waiting to die and I am 53 so who knows when that will be, my husband was 53 when he died so who knows. I just want to sleep my days away to make it go faster but that is a denial of my boredom, just more trying to escape it. I feel like I don't exist, like a void, a nothing person.
I wish something would change in me, I want something to happen but I know that is just more fantasy shit, me wanting something amazing to happen to me, like I suddenly feel I am at one with God and I have done it and I feel so connected and great but really, I can't imagine ever feeling like that at all, it is just more of my fantasies going on inside of me to stop me feeling my boredom. My mind wants to take me to places that aren't real so I don't have to feel this boredom but I keep coming back to it.
I am cold and bored, I have nothing in my life just these bad feelings and the little me is showing me how it was for me as a child, I felt like this often throughout my life and was told to go and find something to do because my parents didn't want to do anything with me and they didn't want to know about it, they would get agitated by me telling them how bored I was. I had to learn to go off and amuse myself at a very early age and I still want to do that now, just like when I was a child. But I just sit here feeling the boredom and its emptiness and that is me, completely empty inside, empty of love that would have filled me up and I don't feel I will ever know how that feels.
I suppose I have felt it, when you think you are in love with someone, you are filled with a feeling that is so good and you never feel bored and you don't want food because you are filled with those love feelings for that person, probably not even love, just an excitement that I am getting all of my addictions fulfilled and met by this new person so I can't say It is even love, just a sick fulfilment that this person is going to make me happy because I can't make myself happy, I need someone else to do it for me. That is a lot to put on someone as I drag them into my shit and put the burden on them of having to make my life good and happy, it is so far away from love, it is sick but it distracted me from the truth of my bad feelings for a little while, until they came creeping back and the relationship ends because the truth is always there waiting to rear its head again once all of the fantasy crap is gone.
The only good thing I have to stop me feeling bored is food. It takes all of the cravings away for a few minutes, it makes me feel good, even excited wen I know I have some chocolate in the fridge, I have something to look forward to and I have no one telling me I can't have it. I can have it all if I want, every bit of it and I can have it when ever I like, I don't have to ask mummy. She controlled me but now I don't have any control and I eat it whenever I want to. i don't have any in the house so I am so bored and angry that I don't have any chocolate to comfort me and make me feel good, I have noting but I could drive to the shop to get some but it is to cold and it is snowing so I just have to sit here and feel my bad feelings. I feel so shit, such a yearning inside for something to fill me and to take away this aching of boredom, I want to rock and moan with the sounds of yearning for fulfilment, boredom has a desperate sound to it when I let it out, it is weird and mental like but it has a voice and when I allow it to come out, it is groaning and moaning and weird noises that come from me. A real hankering for something to fill me, be with me, pay attention to me and these are all the noises I would make as a child.
I am going to get on with my feeling healing now about my boredom and make all the fucking weird noises I want to.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 13, 2021 1:42:57 GMT 10
I am still so bored, there is nothing to do, I feel so restless in my boredom. Nothing is good, its all so boring and I am so fed up with feeling this way. What is the point in existing when it is so boring, there is no point to life when there is nothing to do. No one is around and no one wants to do anything with me, this is the same as when I was a child, it can't be any different, it has to be just how it was when I was young because I am still that bored little girl not knowing what to do and feeling so alone with no friends to play with. No one wants to be with me. I feel so alone and it is horrible and boring. Why doesn't anyone want to play with me, I feel so rejected by every one. Mum and dad are busy and doing their thing, my Sister is with her friends, my brothers don't want to play with me because I am a girl so it is so boring and it is exactly the same for me now as an adult. My sister and two brothers moved away to Australia and left me here on my own, they don't want to be with me and I feel like the little child who felt deserted by every one.
I sit here on my couch and don't know what to do with myself, there is nothing, life feels like NOTHING! It is so empty and I feel so restless inside because there is such a longing to be wanted and it wont happen so I have to go on being totally unfulfilled and restless. There is no love in anything for me, I don't feel it and being bored is such an unloving feeling. No one wants me, I am all alone, I am rejected as no one wants to be with me, I feel so pointless and so hopeless being so bored in life, it is a nothing life without being wanted and loved.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 13, 2021 23:15:06 GMT 10
I was just telling Trevor something and he completely cut me off and said something he wanted to say about a completely different subject. I thought he would say sorry and what was I saying but No! he has completely rejected me in that moment and I felt it hard. I was back in my little girl Sam mode and remembering all the times it had happened to me as a child, my dad wans always doing it, like I was so boring and not worth listening to. I was such an insignificant thing to him that if he didn't want to hear me he would just cut me off, just like Trevor just did. I am right back there with it all, feeling so hurt, feeling so fucking unimportant and Trevor, like my dad hasn't even realised what they have done to me and how it hurts, and I can't even tell him because I couldn't tell my dad, I wasn't allowed to tell him how he hurt me and how rejected and unloved and so fucking humiliated it made me feel when he did that to me. The humiliation was the killer, so humiliated because I didn't mean anything, I was so unimportant that they can just reject me mid sentence and I have to let them because I was to scared to speak up and say how I feel but go off and talk to myself or now, God, about how hurt and raging angry I feel. What total CUNTS they are, I fucking hate them for treating me that way. I wish I could speak up but I still can't and that is right because that is just how it was for me as a child.
Another person might have said to Trevor, "I was speaking, you are so rude to think that what you have to say is more important than what I was telling you", but I physically cant, I cant make him feel so small and disempowered because I wasn't allowed to make my dad feel like that, ever, I would have been in so much trouble if I stuck up for myself with him. I was there to make him feel powerful, like he was the king, the God and I am like that with all men, I can't be any other way. All I can do about it is express it to God about how it makes me feel and those feelings are exactly the same as the ones I felt as a child, I am exactly the same and those feelings are the ones I am expressing now, my childhood pain.
Shit to be so dismissed off hand like I just was, it is such a deep killing pain, like I am dying inside with humiliation at being so fucking NOTHING to him and to dad. I must allow them to treat me like that, I can't make them feel how I am feeling by telling them off and letting them know how they have hurt me, I don't want to hurt them because it hurts me to hurt them. That is just how I feel and I can't be any different, I can't make myself say how I feel to them, I was never allowed to do that to any one, especially not a man, the authority.
I just have to put up with it because I can't open my mouth to say "Fuck you". I am the little girl who couldn't stick up for herself because I wasn't allowed to express any anger towards my parents, so I can't express it to anyone so I get treated like a worthless being and that is how I feel, every one is better and more worthy than me because my parents were better and more worthy than me and that is how I was brought up.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 19, 2021 20:19:08 GMT 10
Having a real tearful day today, feeling the need to cry so I am just letting it happen and it feels good after. Crying is such a good release, I can really feel it. I have been feeling so terrible about myself and what a bad person I am and how God will never love me because I am so against them. I feel so useless and such a lost cause and it is now wonder I can't feel Mother and Fathers Love when I do so much that is so against them. I feel like there is no hope for me and I will never have a relationship with them. I do things and I can't stop doing them and I know what I am doing is against God but I do them anyway, I don't know how to be any different but it makes me feel so bad. I have to earn some money and everything I look at is so against God, there is nothing loving out there for me to do, just having to earn money is so unloving in itself, it is saying to God I don't trust you to look after me, it is all up to me and I am the only one who can save myself so I have to work to pay to live on this planet because the whole system is so unloving and if you can't pay your way then you are out! it is just like being at home with mum and dad. My first job was as a hairdressing apprentice and I earned £25.00 a week in 1984. Mum and Dad insisted on taking half of it for my keep, it was so unfair and felt so unloving of them to leave me with hardly anything, Fuck them! I feel so angry about how unlovingly they treated me, they said that my sister was paying her way so I had to, it was so unfair, I was 16, just out of school and I felt like I had been kicked in the head by them taking my money. I hated them for it, just wanting me for what they could get out of me like I was some pain in the arse who they had to keep for 16 years and now it was pay back time.
The whole way we live is so unloving, there is no place for anyone who cant pay their way, like my parents, there was no place for me if I couldn't pay. I would be left to lose everything and no one give a shit. I am selling a lot of stuff I no longer need on-line, I have a garage full of stuff so money is coming in from that and a lot of ex stock I still have from the shop I used to have so that is bringing in some money but it is tough. Life has always been a struggle, so hard to survive but it has to be that way for me because that s how it was for me as a child, we were poor, most of the time broke having to sell all of the furniture to buy food and I can remember that as a child, all of the furniture going, it was so weird. I also remember getting broken into when we lived in Africa and so much being taken so it has all been about loss and lack throughout my life and it is still the same, and it has to be that way as that is how it was for me. I am really feeling it now and the hopelessness it brings.
I am boring myself now, going over the same shit, nothing ever changing but did it ever change for me as a child? NO! So this is how it is.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 26, 2021 7:50:54 GMT 10
I had an incredible sleep time experience last night. I was speaking with Mary Magdalene and she said she wanted to take me to a place in spirit to meet some of my soul group and it was amazing. She took me to a place that I didn't expect, it was nothing like how I thought it would be. I could feel I was somewhere else but I couldn't focus my eyes, I felt a bit panicky and Mary told me to just wait and be patient with myself and my eyes would come into focus so I stayed perfectly still and slowly the focus came and I could see. I was in a beautiful log cabin, it was huge and it was surrounded by woodland, a place I completely loved and it was like it had been created just for me, even the air was so sweet and pure. My eyes focused and Mary said there was some spirits she wanted me to meet, I looked around and there was no one there. Mary told me to focus on the air and to watch the particles and as I concentrated on the air I could see particles beginning to swirl and move around into the breeze and then I began to make out a form, a face and then a body and it was a beautiful older woman as she took form I could see her better, she was like sparkly spirit energy and as time went on she took a solid form and then more spirits came, they formed in the same way and it was so amazing.
There were Men and Women coming into the cabin, more and more and they all materialized in the same way and I was going round the room touching them in amazement, saying to them and Mary "They are just like me, they are just like solid living humans" Mary laughed, they all were smiling and so glad to see me, touching me and saying, not with words but to my mind, "Yes Sam we are real just like you, you have no need to doubt our existence, Mary has brought you here to meet us and prove to you we are real". My God it was so amazing, it was so real, to meet and see some of my soul group, to feel the excitement and love from them. The first older woman that materialized to me stuck in my mind and is still there, she was wearing a white silk trouser suit, so smart and so chic wit her hair pure white, cut into a smart bob with the ends turned up. She looked glowing so radiant, nothing like the way I thought a spirit would look.
I couldn't stop going round the group and touching them, not being able to believe they were solid and real, not being able to believe I was finally seeing spirits for myself in the spirit realm. I was completely in love with them all.
Mary wanted to show me how real spirit world is, that I am not alone and I do have a spirit soul group who love me, it was so funny and amazing to look at Mary as I was moving around the group, as if to say "Oh my God Mary, I can't believe what is happening to me" as I looked back at Mary, she was sitting on the arm of the couch, just smiling at me like I was her little girl meeting her family for the first time. Mary is so beautiful, she had a white glowing see through scarf on her head which glowed, she actually shone as she watched over me. it was the most incredible experience. I woke up when it was over but today I have not felt the need to eat at all, just being filled with the love of my Spirit family, my soul group and I want to go back!!
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 28, 2021 21:33:29 GMT 10
Sex! It was very rarely a pleasure and mostly a duty I had to pay to a man. I had to do what a man wanted, I had to obey just as I had to obey my dad. He was never sexual with me, not at all but I had to obey him and what he wanted, it was always his 'Will' over mine so that carried through to all of my relationships with men and I had to obey them. I tried to rebel and fight my own corner but it never worked as it never worked with me and my dad. I wasn't allowed to answer back, I had to do it and I was to scared not to. That carried over to my sexual relationships with men. There were times that I wanted sex and times that I didn't but it didn't matter, I had to so a lot of the times it was like I was consenting to them raping me, I know that sounds a bit strong but it is how it felt, I didn't want sex but i wasn't allowed to say no, I was to scared to say no to them yet inside I was screaming "No".
I am talking about this because I am having a lot of physical pain inside of me right now and it has brought up these feelings in me because the pain is the same as the pain I would feel after sex, like a forced pain, a resistance to them entering me and that caused a lot of pain and bleeding and that is the pain I am feeling now, it has brought back all of these memories of how I didn't want sex but I was taught to obey a man, he was the authority who had to be obeyed so I was very scared of men and what they would do to me if I fought them and rebelled, all because I had to be respectful and obey my dad, shit, it has caused me so much pain. His will over mine all the time and it has been like that with all men.
I faked it all, I pretended I was ok with it and enjoying it but my feelings were telling me the truth, many times, I hated it, I didn't want sex but had to, to please the man, to keep him and that is how it was with dad, I had to please him by obeying him or I run the risk of losing him, losing something I never had to begin with, he didn't love me and no man has ever truly loved me, just used me, just like my dad had done so he could feel the respect he never got from his own dad. I was there to give it all back to him, replace the lost respect that his own dad took from him. I was there to make him feel respected, powerful, the king of the fucking world and god help me if I disobeyed. Can you see where it all came from and why I had to give in to men?
Shit when I think of all the times I let men force themselves up me, feeling so violated and used because I couldn't say no to them, it was to risky, I would lose them. I did sometimes enjoy sex, really enjoy it but it was usually when I was drunk. I don't feel I have ever really wanted sex, it fucking terrified me, especially the first time, it felt all so bad and wrong. The first time was against my will but my boyfriend got shitty with waiting for me to be ready so I let him and it was the worst experience, I never wanted sex again.
I felt embarrassed about being sexual, like it was so dirty and wrong and my dad would kill me if he found out, he would be so disappointed with me, like I was now a dirty, tarnished piece of dirt. I was so scared about him thinking of me being a sexual being, no longer his, someone had taken me from him and dirtied me. I belonged to him and him only, he had total control over me and if someone else had me, he had lost power as he no longer had total control over me with his will, another man did. I moved from my dads will to another mans will, it just carried on, never ending, every man just being more of my dad, every man was my dad but I felt sad for my dad, he had lost me and lost the power he had over me. I felt sad and bad for my dad having to feel that loss at losing me to another man, his will severed in a physical way but in my soul, my dads will has always had a hold over me and every man has been an extension of him. So in a way it has felt like I have been having sex with my dad and that is why it has felt so wrong and bad, his will, I am his and it carried over to any man I was with, them being my dad. I can only attract men like my dad so that I can feel and heal all of the pain in my caused by dad. It all makes so much sense.
My dad had such a hold over me and had taken my will away so much that I only existed for him, I was his slave in a way because I had to obey him, I was there just for him and so much of him is in me, I am so much like him that sometimes I really do feel like him, that is how much he has programmed me to do his will, his will is inside me, controlling me and still telling me what to do and that dad wouldn't like it if I did this or that! Shit, he is like a parasite and I am the host, he is inside me!
I am dads and he wouldn't like it if I was having sex with this man, I am his. That is the depths of the control he has had over me, I am still his child and no one else will have me, ever! He still has such a hold over me, will I ever be free!
I feel so hopeless right now, like he will never let me go and now he is 80 and when he dies he might be with me for ever, his ghost wanting to be with me for ever. When he dies he might be with me all the time, controlling me like he never could before, loving how he can be with me every minute of the day now he is a spirit. "Please Mary, don't let him near me, all of my Soul family, keep dad away from me, don't let him bear me ever, i don't want him anywhere near me when he dies. Keep all the spirits away from me that aren't doing their healing, please don't let them near me I don't want to see any of them ever again".
The pain inside me has gone and when it comes back, I will feel every feeling this pain wants me to know about myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 2, 2021 8:57:16 GMT 10
I am so agitated and fucked off! All day I have been so restless inside, feeling like there is no point to anything I am doing, everything is so pointless. I look at my house and it means nothing, it is like I am waiting for something all the time, waiting for a time when it all has a point and means something. I am so fucked off! Nothing has any meaning to me, it is like I am in a play, playing this part which is my life, it doesn't feel real and I can't see the point of such an unreal life. Am I waiting to die? maybe! Am I waiting to die and then to begin my real life, going straight to the healing worlds to get on with it and get moving in my journey to Paradise.
I am living my life feeling it is such a waste and trying to figure out ways of surviving until I die, paying for my house and my bills and that is my life. Just existing to pay for the house and bills just so I don't get thrown out. I want to feel safe and not always feeling the threat of losing everything because I can't pay for it. Its such a struggle. So pointless living a life just to pay for the house, to keep a roof over my head, so pointless. It has no meaning. There is no meaning to any of it for me and I feel so restless about it all, like I am looking for the meaning and the point in my life and there is none here and that makes me restless, like I am looking for something all the time.
I was so restless and fidgety that I drove out to the shop to buy a chocolate cake to eat the whole thing, feeding my feelings instead of feeling them but when I got home I threw it in the bin, I couldn't see the point in eating it just to feel better and get the void in me filled with Chocolate cake, numb it out until I can't feel it any more. Even on the journey home I knew I didn't want it and felt like I had wasted my time completely, and money. What was the point in eating it, I was to agitated to even eat it so threw it away and carried on feeling my feelings of everything being so pointless. Shit I am agitated!
I want something, I really want my life to have meaning, I am so desperate to have some meaning in my life. Day after day I only have boredom to look forward to, I don't see the point in anything in life, It all seems so stupid and pointless.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 6, 2021 21:18:29 GMT 10
|Today I woke up to the same mundane program that runs every morning for me, I think to myself should I do it al differently but that would be trying! and trying is using your mind to change things so I just let the mundane program run. The same program runs every morning, get out of bed, pick up my glasses and my water bottle but the side of my bed, put on my pink dressing gown and go down stairs, sometimes I might go wee first and then other times I do that later. I go into the lounge and put on my computer to see the news. Every day I have the same wish, that it could all be different, all be so much better and so much more exciting. As a child I had these same wishes, wishing my life was something so much more exciting and promising myself as a child, that I would make my life more exciting and I have tried that, throughout my life I have made things different for myself but it has always come back to this, the truth of how life really is for me, the truth of how it was for me as a child, boring!!
I can't escape from it, I tried for many years, I created businesses and went on great holidays to make life how I wanted it to be, running from the boring existence of being a child and how it was with my parents. I have never been able to really escape though, I am right back there now and it is like the truth has just been watching me running and knowing and waiting for me to come back to it, knowing there is no other way for me. I have gone in one massive loop from boring, out to mind created living and now back to boring, it always knew I would be back!
Now I sit here being that bored child I have run from all my life, I am now at one with her and living that truth of how awful it felt for me as a child to be so bored with nothing to do but the 'Will' of my parents. Now I am sitting in this void of nothingness and there is nowhere to go , I can now longer escape from it and I want to scream at the nothingness of it all. There really is Nothing, inside me it feels like I am sitting in a room that is eternally white and there is only me and no matter where I go it is just more white, no walls, no edges, just a white void of nothingness. It has taken me 53 years to just stop and be with it, the void. 53 years of running from it and I am so tired and exhausted that now i give in! I can't run any more so I have now allowed it, surrendered to it, the truth has me.
Now I know there is nothing for me, I am trapped here. I am as trapped as I have always been by my parents will. I have always been trapped inside of their will, doing their will, living their will, buying the things I think they would approve of so I don't even know what it is that I like because my life it all 'them'. I have no idea who I really am outside of them. What do I like? What do I want? Who am I really? I don't have a clue and I feel insane with it right now, that I have no idea of 'ME'. It is very scary, I wrote what I just wrote and felt a slip in my mind of utter confusion and that terrified me, like a madness inside me that I have no idea who I am, I am alien to myself and that is terrifying.
Who am I without them? Who am I without my parents? How do I get them out of me? What is left without them inside me? Why is that so terrifying? What is left of me without their will controlling my life? What will I do without them? I am so scared to live my own life without them! I depend on them! I am to scared to be without them! They are all I know! I don't feel safe without them! How will I cope without their will controlling me? I feel like a terrified child! I am a terrified child! I always have been a terrified child! I am not enough, I need them! I can not live life without them! I am so scared! I am so terrified! I need them or I will die! I am a little child who can not exist without her parents!
I am that little girl feeling so scared of losing her parents so I have always kept them close. I hate that I am so dependent on their 'Will' but it is me, they programmed me to need them above all else because they needed to be needed so much because they were not wanted or needed by their own parents, so they had me. Someone who would need them and when I said to them that I didn't need them any more , it broke their heart and they blamed me for hurting them when it was them that had me just because they needed someone to love them, so they could feel loved. That was my job in life, to make them feel good and wanted and loved and when I turned round and said to them that I didn't need them any more, they turned against me. They never saw me for me! They never thought that one day I would discover that I was a person in my own right and not here just for them, like a robot they had created to make them feel good. I had a 'Will' and that has killed them.
This is a terrifying journey, to separate myself from my parents 'Will' over me, shit, its a killer. There is nothing harder in this world than feeling the truth of Childhood!
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 28, 2021 21:08:56 GMT 10
So much going on within me, with my feelings, one after the other, chopping and changing, nothing related just feelings flowing in which ever way they want, coming and going. Right now as I write this I am having so much trouble accepting myself as I am, sometimes I can accept myself and I wonder what all the shit is about that I put myself through, all the self hate and shame but today I am full of shame and self hate, I just can't accept that I am not the skinny girl I have been most of my life, she was a fake but I loved looking like that, I could accept myself looking like that but now I have put weight on because I am no longer on the life long diet and saying no to myself, I can't accept that this is me! I hate it, I fucking hate it.
Something I have noticed is that when I can accept myself as I am, a bit overweight, the pain in my shoulder goes, well, almost goes. It has been wonderful to have freedom in my shoulder again but yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror and was disgusted at myself for the weight I have gained, I could barely look. I felt devastated, like my world had dropped away and I was no longer worth anything to anyone. I can honestly say that this weight thing has been the toughest for me. All my life being thin has been my goal and it has been so fucking hard to maintain it, sometimes putting on weight and then drastically loosing it again and then allowing my self to go out into the world again. I wouldn't go out when I put on weight, feeling to ashamed of myself in case anyone I knew saw me, especially men. I couldn't bare the pain of their thoughts about me, hating me instead of liking me and finding me desirable. It is all about being available to me, it is how I was taught to be by my parents and being overweight means I am no longer wanted by men. Hearing my dad speak about bigger people and my mum keeping herself so skinny so she is wanted and I am no different, I am them and they have made sure of that.
I just can't accept myself today and the pain in my arm has came back, as soon as I was talking to myself in the mirror yesterday, telling myself how disgusting I am and how much I hat how I look, the pain came back with a jolt and I couldn't lift my arm again, as soon as the self hate begins again, the shoulder goes into instant pain and it cripples me, its as crippling as the self hate is.
I hate myself so much, I used to be pretty and the other day my daughter got out all of the old photo's and was showing me the ones of me and how I used to look and she said " Oh mum, you were so gorgeous" and I felt like crying my eyes out and could hardly look at the pictures she was holding up in front of me as if to say "What the fuck happened to you, where have you gone" but of course, the girl in those photo's was all fake, she wasn't me and I can talk about her as a separate person because she was, she wasn't real, she wasn't me, she was who I thought I had to be so that I would be loved, wanted and accepted. Now I am the opposite and it is so hard, so so fucking hard to accept that this is the truth of me, this overweight person is the girl who has always been there just waiting to be allowed to show herself and it is a fucking risk, to be yourself is such a fucking risk because you risk being rejected, no longer wanted, no longer being desirable to men, do you dare to be the truth of your feelings? because I tell you, it is such a risk, you risk it all if you bring the true you out to meet the world, you risk being hated, being an invisible person and facing ridicule and hate and it hurts so much.
The hardest thing I have ever done is allowing myself to drop the diets and fake me, the me that was wanted and replace her with the true me, the unwanted me, the nothing and nobody ME!
I wish I could accept myself and just go out into the world with my head held high and saying this is the real me and I love her, but I can't, I don't feel that way at all, I am deeply ashamed of myself and that is how it has to be because that is how my parents taught me to be, that no makeup, not being skinny, not being perfect, not being acceptable to everyone is wrong, it is so bad, it is shameful, don't dare show this side of yourself but I have always felt it is in me to be like this, this is who I am, yet I still can't accept myself like this and it is all because they can't, my parents! they taught me it was so bad to be fat, there I said it FAT, shit it is so hard to say FAT FAT FAT oh my god I want to die even saying it, it was a taboo word in our house, a word only used in ridicule, someone to laugh at and take the piss out of and now I am that person, the person my parents warned me about, I have become her, I am FAT but I so don't want to be but I can't do anything about it, I can't stop being like this but I hate it and I wish I didn't but I do. I fucking hate being like this. All my life I have been told it is wrong to be FAT (I cringe even writing it). No, I can't accept it about myself, I want to be skinny, everything in my screams to lose weight and be how I used to be so I am desired again and wanted but I can't stop eating the foods I want to eat and love, Tiramisu oh my God I love it so much and I have spent all my life not allowing myself to eat it or any food that I love. I have lived on salads and fruit, starving myself of my desires, being so disciplined when eating, no fat, no carbs only leafy salads and now, I have tried going back to eating salads and it just goes straight through me, I am on the loo instantly, my body doesn't want it. My feelings only want the foods I feel I want and all of those foods put weight on me, and they have!
There is not a salad leaf in sight now, I eat what I want to eat. I was a Vegan, being very strict with myself about any animal products but now that has all gone to, I still don't want to eat meat, it really does repulse me and nothing in me wants it or is drawn to eat it but I do eat dairy, just not meat, YUk, the thought of eating the flesh of an animal, it is sick to me. The Vegan has gone, it was all mind control, now I eat what I want to eat and I don't want to eat meat at all. All the diets have gone from my life, it nearly killed me and I had to go into hospital with anaemia because I was not eating anything with any goodness in it. I remember the nurse telling me she could feel my heart beat through my skin because I was so skinny, it was horrible. Now I have gone the other way and put on weight and I can't bare the shock when people I used to know see me. To me, I am gross and can feel my parents disapproval of me no longer being and looking perfect, my mums words "Oh Sam, don't let yourself go" that hurts so much, she is ashamed of me, she was always so proud to have such a pretty daughter, perfect figure just like her, now I am a disappointment to her.
Today I am deep in my feelings of shame, disappointment, failure, self hate and all the other feelings that I am feeling. So ashamed of myself, so unaccepting of myself, so hideous, so ugly, so unwanted and rejected, so invisible as no one see's you when you are not stunning to look at, you go unseen, unwanted. I can't control the constant picking at food all day, I used to control myself and tell myself "NO" so I wouldn't give in to my desires to eat when I wanted, I wouldn't allow myself to be FAT (cringe again). I feel a grief inside me about how I used to be and that I will never be like that again and how I wish I could have been naturally skinny instead of forcing myself to be like that so I am accepted. I am not naturally like that, I am naturally FAT!
I still can't accept it!
I am still screaming from the inside "No, No, No, I want to be skinny" but it isn't real, it isn't who I truly am, it was all fake and forced just so I would be wanted.
From childhood I have been trained to be perfect in my parents eyes and that doesn't just go away, their disapproval is still very strong in me, I can hear them constantly telling me to stop eating, be perfect, be acceptable, it is them in me.
I am bored now so I will stop writing.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 29, 2021 5:48:30 GMT 10
Chocolate, Tiramisu, Cakes, biscuits they all give me the feeling of being in love, that is why I eat them and am so addicted to them. They give me the feelings I need, the feelings that are not in me naturally. I need them all because I didn't feel loved by my parents, these yummy foods give me the feelings I never received from my parents so I have to go to my addictions to feel some sort of loving feelings. If I felt loved by them, then I wouldn't have the addictions I have. It fucking crushes me that I need the sweetness from these foods to fill me with the sweetness, I needed from my parents. I can't stop eating them, all I can do is continue to feel my way through how terrible I feel for having to rely on these sweet foods to give me my loving feelings. I feel so angry at my parents for not loving me how I needed to be loved, for not instilling in me the love I needed. They lied to me, it was all just words coming from their mind and never from their heart and that is why when they told me they loved me, I never felt it, the words just blew through me without a home to anchor that loving feeling to.
Food is my love source, the chocolate makes me feel like I am in love for a few fleeting moments and then it quickly disappears. It can't stay because it isn't real love. It is just a very poor substitute for the love I never received and it leaves me feeling very unfulfilled and empty and lonely.
Sometimes I don't have anything sweet in the house and the pain gets so bad that I have to drive to the shop to buy my loving feelings or it feels like I am dying inside. The nagging, the longing I feel to have those feelings of love inside of me, so I have to go and buy them because they are none existent in me and I can't get any Divine Love from Mother and Father, I long and Long to them, but I receive nothing and I understand why. If they were to fill me with their Divine Love when ever I longed for it then I would go straight to them when ever I wanted to feel good. I wouldn't feel my pain because they are their for me but they are not, they are just as loveless to me as my parents were when I was a child and that is how it has to be. I wasn't loved and that is how it has to be for me, that is the truth. I wasn't loved so I do what ever I can to feel love, what ever it takes to get my loving feelings met.
I feel so useless for having to go to my addictions for love, so hopeless and such a failure that I can't feel any real love in my life and I can't, it is true, there is no love that I feel. I am so fucking useless, so fucking hopeless and it feels like I will never be any different, I will always be like this, a loveless being never being able to feel real love. There is no hope for me!
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 15, 2021 0:38:15 GMT 10
I haven't been well, I have had the shits for two days now and feel awful, I can't eat or drink anything and today Trevor took me to the post office and he said that I smelt, he could smell my hair and it was horrible. I felt bad hearing that, I felt dirty, rejected, smelly and so unwanted, no one wants to be near the smelly girl. I also felt humiliated, so dirty and Yukky, no won will want to be near me. I felt powerless and embarrassed by the fact Trevor said he could smell my hair and it was horrible.
I have been ill for two days and sweated so badly at night feeling sick and shitting endlessly and this has all come about since I took the wild crow I was looking after to the wildlife centre and they put it down and told me off for keeping it for four days before bringing it in. I was gutted that they put it down, they killed it and humiliated me by telling me off, God being told off as a child was so humiliating, I can remember it and the feeling is the same, so crushing. The girl who met me with the bird was only young and she had a right go at me for delaying in bringing it in, then the vet wrote to me and told me off too and when I stood in front of this young girl telling me off, I could feel my face begin to redden with the humiliation of her telling me off in front of Trevor, I felt so small, so crushed just as it had been when I was a child getting told off in front of my siblings or friends, it was no different!
Since that day I have gone down hill. Since I got told off something changed in me, I hated nature for making me feel this way, I hated the girl and the vet for humiliating me, I hated my parents for being the same with me, not caring about telling me off infront of others. I hate everything in life and every one. The truth of feeling so powerless, so out of control, so humiliated and belittled, it all showed me what a fantasy I have been living thinking I could help nature, taking in injured creatures all the time, them being brought to me and always dying, well a few survived but mostly died. Who do I think I am! some sort of powerful being who is so connected to nature and can heal it, some sort of celestial or even God! what a fucking deluded joke I am! it has all been a lie, a fantasy of mine, wanting to be so powerful and have such control when the truth is, I have none. I am so out of control and have no power but I think I do. The girl took the bird from me and didn't even let me say goodbye to it. She told me to wait outside and she would come and talk to me, which I found weird but she came to tell me off and rip me to shreds, she was only 20 and tiny and she was looking up to me whilst telling me off and I was thinking, "You little cunt, I want to fucking smash your face in, who do you think you are talking to me like that" I thought I am older than her and she shouldn't be talking to me like this, she should respect me just like I had to respect my elders, my parents. She was the girl I always wished I could be, speaking her mind and really giving it to me while I crumbled and could only hate her in my mind, I could never tell her what I felt about how she spoke to me. I wasn't allowed to ever express myself and my anger to my parents, so I couldn't do it to her. She was my parents telling me off!
I felt totally stripped down by what had happened and in shock with all of the truth my Crow experience had brought to me, I thank that Crow for all it has shown me about myself, so much truth at how arrogant I am, a deluded arrogant idiot and now I feel weak, ill and powerless with no control over anything at all, not even my bowels, no control at all, it just pours out of me wen ever it wants waking me up in real pain and rushing to the loo to let it all out of me. I have no control and I have been so arrogant to believe I have!
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 18, 2021 6:17:03 GMT 10
I have had the worst time ever with my diarrhoea, today is the first day I have been normalish! it has been terrible and so constant, it scared me. To be so out of control with my body, the shit just coming whenever it decides to, I had no say in it at all, just like my childhood, it was out of my hands. My diarrhea was in control of me totally for the last 5 days and is literally scared the shit out of me, and that is how I spent my childhood, scared shitless! It has been like God has pulled the plug out of me and all the collected fear has come out, poured out of me.
I have been sat on that loo talking to Mother and Father because I have had no where else to go but to them, so much deep, deep expressing to them because I have no one else to tell and today, this morning, I sat on the loo and just gave up, gave up to them and I felt such an instant expansion happen throughout my whole body, it was like there was tubes inside my arms, my spine, everywhere over my body and those tubes were expanding inside me and it felt so good, at last, a fucking good feeling amongst all this Hell!
I feel ok now, I am so glad it is passing. Healing is so hard, so, so hard but then it should be because the truth of our childhood was hard, so, so hard and our healing can only be as hard as our childhood was. Our healing is the truth of our childhood and it was a living fucking Hell no matter how loved you believe you were. I believed I was truly loved by my parents but everything I feel as an adult, every pain, illness, experience has been the truth of my childhood and it was hard and unloving and the truth will be very disturbing.
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