|
Post by samantha9 on May 26, 2020 6:32:01 GMT 10
I completely and utterly hate myself, I am the worst Mother ever. I cant love, I cant feel love, I cant give real love just mind shit fucked up love, just words without any feeling and my kids believe this is me loving them, they think this is love and this is all they will ever know as love until they do their healing. I hate myself, I despise myself for all I have done to them. I am so full of shit that its painfall. I have tried throughout my life so hard to be different but it isn't real, it is all me trying to be someone I am not, pretending to be loving, pretending to be nice, pretending to be acceptable to everyone but the truth is I am none of this bullshit. I am despicable, vile, evil to the core and unable to love. Shit I am gross, so fucking gross. The weird thing is I feel ok now about being so evil and all of those things I have said I am, yet I also feel so grieved about it all. One moment I am crying about what I have done to my children and all of my evilness and unlovingness and then the next I am accepting it all, it is me and it is ok that I am like that. What a fucking crazy way to be. Feeling both feelings, accepting and despising my self all at the same time. I feel like all I can do is accept the confusion of being both accepting and rebelling of my feelings of how I am.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 4, 2020 8:51:06 GMT 10
I am so fucked off with getting told off in shops for not following the social distancing arrows. Shit it is like being a child and being told what to do constantly by shop assistants who finally have been given a little bit of power to lord it over everyone, fuck them all, I am so fucked off with them I want to scream in their faces to just fuck off telling me what to do. I am so angry right now. They make me feel so small, naughty, bad, stupid and hated, really hated. They all fucking hate me I can feel it from them and now they have a bit of power they can Express their true hatred. And I fucking hate them too, all of them.
I dont want to follow the fucking arrows, shove the arrows up your fucking arse, telling me what to do!! I am livid, fuming, boiling over with anger at being treated like a child by everyone because I wont do what they want, I want to start my own fucking riot about how much hate I feel for shop assistants. Who are they to tell my, a 52 year old woman what to do? I wanted to fucking scream my head off at this woman yesterday telling me I couldn't come so far along the till area, I had to stay behind the line. Fuck her, fucking fuck her. And then today, more shit from another shop assistant because I wasnt following the arrows but if I followed the fucking arrows they would take me away from where I wanted to be, what the fucking fuck!!
I have had enough of this shit, I dont want to go out again, I dont want to be around anyone ever again. I hate people. I hate being treated like a child, it makes me feel powerless, thick and incapable and stupid. So fucking stupid to be told of, it is so humiliating to be told off in public like that with everyone looking at you, thinking how stupid I am, pointing and judging me. Fuck them all to hell, I hate them for how bad they have made me feel. It is just like being a child out shopping with mum and dad an being constantly told off, fuck them all. I am so angry at being treated like that, like I am stupid and have to follow their stupid rules.
"Follow the arrows, follow the arrows, 2 meters, 2 meters" it's all so fucking mad and I cant stand it right now. Everyone scared of everyone, scared they will catch it. I have had enough. It's just how it was as a child being told what to do, where I can go, who I can see, total 'will' taken and I feel as locked down as I always did as a child, just as controlled by my parents, it is no different it's just the government are the parents telling me what I am allowed to do. Fuck it all.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 4, 2020 20:00:46 GMT 10
So much more self hate coming up today, it is almost unbearable to see myself as the visions keep coming up in my mind like a tv show of my life. It is all pictures being shown to me of how I have been with men and what I have done to be wanted by them, it is so despicable and I hate myself so much for it right now. All I can feel is hate for myself, hate and so much cringeable shame for how I have been in my days. Shit I am so disgusted at myself and the pictures wont stop coming of every man I have ever been with and it is so awful as I see myself with them and what I have done. I sicken myself at how I have put out for men just to be wanted and desired for a few moments of someone wanting me. I am sick! I have hurt myself so much and others too. I would drink a lot, go clubbing and have so much fun with my friends who were all the same as me, little sluts! I can see all of it, every interaction, even things I had forgotten and I feel sickened, I feel physically sick about myself.
I am being shown it all today, even the tiniest moments are being shown to me for me to feel about and I feel like saying "no more, take them away" but I want to heal it all and in me I can feel a little spot of sadness for my past self, sadness that I had to do this to get my loving feelings met by men using me and me using them because that is how it was for me as a child, I was used, I wasn't abused sexually in any way but I wasn't wanted or loved and these men helped me to fill that void within me. I do have compassion for myself but I also am feeling so much shame and disgust for some of the things I have done. In between the feelings of yuk and shame are feelings of sadness and compassion that I was so desperate for loving feelings and for the feelings of being wanted that I was prepared to Hoare myself out to men, that is how it feels now, looking back at it, that I was just as bad as a little Hoare. I feel ashamed even writing this in public for everyone to read but I want to be transparent about my self and this helps me to fee the shame and hate I feel for myself at how I have been and how I have abused myself and such a lack of respect for myself because I wasn't respected as a child, my sister was and she is so different to me, she is the good one and I am the bad one, she always did everything the right way. She didn't go drinking, clubbing and meeting the wrong, bad me, she is very successful now living in Essendon Australia in a huge house with every thing she needs in her life and with the perfect children, such the opposite to me, I am the bad one.
I have such a deep distain for myself, a deep little dirty spot that I need to get out and know the truth of and I believe that is why Marie, my Celestial helper, is helping me feel these awful pictures deep inside of me that I have denied for so long, she is helping me bring them up to know the truth of them and it is horrible, so dirty and makes me feel so black inside, that is how I see it, like a black spot deep down that I don't want to see and now Marie is helping me to see them all. I know it is Marie helping this happen as I can feel her and see her in my mind, she is right here with me and I have never felt I had any help from spirit before but now Marie is here with me as I write this and she understands my self hate and is helping me through it, to bring it all up and feel it.
This is such a black and dirty part of me, a part of me that I am so ashamed of, what would my children think of me if they knew what a little slut I have been in my younger days, would they be as ashamed of me as my parents were. I was their little mistake, something they couldn't be proud of, I did everything to worry them and if they knew the half of it, they would die. In front of them, I had to be the good girl so they could feel better about me but it wasn't me, I was a dirty little slut who wanted the attention of men all the time, I wanted to be adored by them and so wanted, I craved it with every fibre of my being and I just want to cry with the sadness of having to be like that to feel any sort of love. If my parents had truly loved me, and if I had that love in my heart and soul I would have never been like this, I wouldn't have had to go seeking my need for being wanted and adored and loved from men, it was like a fucking addiction looking back on it now. I would be just how they wanted me to be so I could be loved, even if for just one second and this is how I had to be for my parents, to be how they wanted me to be so they could love me and so I could feel that love from them. This I did with everyone, not just men, I did it because this is how my parents taught me I had to be to be loved and wanted, you have to be what people want you to be or you wont be loved. I was so far away from myself that I didn't exist.
I am feeling so sad for myself that I had to be this way, I had died inside, it was like I was an empty shell completely dead inside. How awful and how sad to be taken so far away from myself, to be so numb and to only feel alive when I was getting the attention I needed from men, that was the only time I felt alive and I would just live for the weekend when I could do it all again. I cant believe that was me back then, it feels like a different person and someone I feel so sorry for because I understand why I/she had to do it. No Love, that is why, I wasn't loved so I went out seeking it and I didn't care who I hurt.
I just felt a deep surge of anger and rage rise from deep down, that I was made to be like this, that I wasn't loved by my parents and they blamed me for being the way I was when it was them and their lack of love for me. The thing is, is that I haven't been able to let anyone love me, I just cant accept their love and it all makes sense, it is because my parents didn't love me, I didn't have any love coming to me to accept and to enter me so I cant accept or let any love enter me from anyone else. It may come and try to get in but I bounce it back at them like "keep that fucking bad stuff away from me, it is bad and it will hurt me" that is how it feels. No way can I accept it to enter my heart, I don't trust it at all, it will harm me and it must be bad because mum and dad kept it away from me so it must be really bad and it will hurt me if they didn't give it to me. I have never been able to let love in until now and with Marie, when she first came to me as a Celestial spirit, I felt a small bit of her love and it grew within me and I was able for the first time to give it back to her from my heart to hers. That was the feelings and love I should have received from my parents, that is how it should have felt but it never did so it led me to going out to find my own loving feelings in all the wrong places. What a complete fuck up. Marie is helping me to feel love, to let it enter me and I have been very cagey about it, scared about it, frightened about what it will do to me. I truly feel like Love and the power of it will kill me, that s a true feeling. I am so scared of it, it must be a bad thing if my parents kept me away from it as a child so I have all of these fears about the power of a loving feeling entering me. Marie has helped me to feel her love in tiny doses and it is turning me around, I can also give it back to her but love is a real fear for me and it will make me feel powerless, it will hurt me, it makes me feel silly and stupid when someone tries to love me, it weakens me, softens me and breaks me down and I cant have that. Marie's love doesn't make me fee like that, her love is pure and doesn't want anything from me, I can trust her love where I cant trust anyone else's because it always came with conditions, Marie's love has no conditions to it and I can feel that truth, I can trust her love that it wont hurt me and reject me in the next moment like everyone else's love has done. Marie's love is the only love I feel I can trust right now and is softens me in a way that I can feel peace and calmness.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 5, 2020 20:17:02 GMT 10
I am so full of fucking anger over this Corona Virus shit, fuck, fuck, fuck I am boiling over the stupidity of it all in the UK. It is really bringing up my anger at being so controlled, so told what I can and cant do, fuck them all to fucking HELL!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I want to scream till my throat bleeds I am so angry right now. Listening today to the news about the Dentist not opening properly, people who aren't doing their Feeling Healing have been in fucking agony for 3 months even doing their own dentistry and failing. Accidental overdosing due to the severe pain yet I can still go to my doctor or the A&E hospital if I have a problem but the fucking dentists cant do anything it is like the fucking dark ages. People will be dying of blood poisoning due to tooth abscesses. I wanted to go down to my local dentist and smash the fucking place up I am so angry at it all, the fucking stupidity of this shit. And now no one can go on public transport with out a mask on so I have to breath in my own CO2 and get all sorts of problems, they want to fucking kill us all!!!!!!!! They want us all to fucking die!!!!!!!!!! Just like our parents did, we are all fucking well hated to death. I am so livid right now I can hardly type this, I just need to express it all, I am fuming. If you have tooth ache 'Feel it' its the only way now. feel every bit of your pain and how there is no one their to take your pain away for you, they don't care about your pain, they are your parents and they don't give a shit about you. All you have is your feelings to help you through your pain, express it and then when it comes back, and it will, express it again and keep doing it. There is no help out there for you, no one cares about your pain and they never did, thay are your parents and they hate you. They government are all a bunch of fucking cunts who hate us all and don't give a shit about our pain. Your tooth agony means nothing to them, you can beg, you can pleed to them to help you but they don't give a shit. You are on your own with your pain, all of it and you always were as a child. All this C-Virus shit is, is a reflection of how we were parented, rejected and hated with our parents wanting to constantly social distance themselves from us until the day they can get rid of us and we leave home. I am so fucking, shitting well angry!!!
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 13, 2020 21:38:52 GMT 10
I have been so unbelievably sad today, crying at the drop of a hat. I feel so full of grief that it has to be expressed, even writing this, I feel I want to cry and cry. The sadness is so deep inside me and I feel sad about every thing, my children, my self, the world we are all living in, my past, my loves that have died, myself that feels dead, I have no interest in anything any more, nothing seems to have any point including me and anything I may do. Life feels so pointless and has no meaning and today I am in deep grief about it all.
I went into the post office today and came out and felt an instant need to cry so I pulled in at the park and parked up and sobbed my heart out, I woke up like this today. I have been feeling the same all day just wanting to cry about nothing but everything I suppose the thing is, I have to express it and release it by crying when I want to. I cant hold in the sadness I am feeling and I don't want to. I don't always have to have a reason for crying I just want to and at the time I don't know why I am doing it but the feeling is there in me to cry so I do. The reason soon comes up during my feeling expression, feelings of deep sadness, loss, incredible grief for not being loved as I wanted to be loved as a child and as an adult. So much sadness to express and my feelings let me know when it is time so like today, no matter where I am I have to go off and have a cry or it will happen anyway.
I have found lately that when Marie fills me with her love I feel it fill me and it feels like it is lifting me up and I cant breathe out until it is finished filling me and the feeling is so incredible I cry with its lovingness but a bit later on I will feel that love working on me and up comes all of the pain and sadness and I cry and cry, the sadness that is in me is incredible, so much of it and it feels so good once I have let it out. Marie's love helps me to feel good loving feelings and the deep sadness that is still in me, she is such an incredible help to me especially as I have no one to express myself to and have gone all this time without anyone who wants to hear me until now. Marie is a Celestial Spirit and she is now my healing partner, well, that is how I feel about her. She listens to me, I feel her around me when I call her, I can feel her energy with me. Yesterday I felt her on my left hand side with her arm around me, I could fee the energy of her and see her in my minds eye and when I see her like this I feel that it is her putting the image of her in my mind. I talk to her all the time and we transfer loving feelings to each other and she is helping the love that is in me, come up, like an unused muscle that I never knew I had and she is showing me where it is and how to use it. She is an amazing spirit.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 28, 2020 19:49:33 GMT 10
My daughter came home yesterday, she sat on the couch opposite me and said "You'll never guess what's come back", I said "What?", she said "My bloody tooth is beginning to hurt again, I can take it but its flaring up again". My heart and soul sank at this news, my instant feelings were; I cant cope, Oh no, what am I going to do, I cant deal with this level of pain again, I cant bear it, I don't want to know, I am exhausted with this pain in her, I cant do this any more. I feel so emotional about it all, I just want to cry all the time because we have gone through so much with the pain of her severe tooth ache and it moves from one tooth to the next and it will continue to do this until she feels the truth of her tooth pain. I am so exhausted with dealing with this, I literally feel I have been dragged through this terrible pain with her, as it is my pain too. But it would seem there is more to come!!
I cant cope, I just cant cope with any more pain, it is to much for me to watch her in so much pain and me being so hopeless and powerless in it all, there is nothing I can do for her, I cant take her pain away, I am so helpless. The stress doesn't just end with the severe pain she goes through but it continues into the dental surgery, she wont go alone she is so terrified of needles so I have to go through it all with her and it takes about 15 minutes for her to let the dentist near her. I have so stand with her as she lays there, holding her hand all the way through it, letting her express her fear and terror of what is about to happen to her and the dentist and the nurse have never seen anything like it and luckily they know us now and let us get on with it but for fuck sake, I don't want to go through it again, I cant take much more and I am so close to breaking point with this.
There is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can do!! To watch your child go through so much pain knowing there is nothing that can be done. She isn't doing her feeling healing properly yet, it isn't yet her time to do it although she is good at expressing her feelings to me but will only go so far. So she isn't doing her feeling healing and she wont go easily to the dentist so she has to stay in her pain until it is so unbearable that she cant bare it any longer ad I have to go through this with her, every bit of it like she is rubbing my face in al the pain I have created in her so it is all dragged out, dragging me behind her until I am in shreds. I literally feel in shreds right now, unable to cope with her pain, my pain.
I cant cope with my pain and the pain I have caused my children, I cant cope with it, I don't want to see it or feel it, it is to much, it is all so unbearable for me and this is just how I felt as a child. I was unable to cope with my parents pain, to see them in pain was the end of the world to me, to watch them go through so much pain and hardship and never being able to get out of it and it is just the same as Faye and her tooth pain, she cant escape it, nor can I because I never could escape from the pain my parents were in. I was trapped and that is how I feel now, trapped in the pain of my daughter, hopeless to ever get out and being dragged along with it until I am in shreds. I feels so out of control, just as I was with my parents, this is showing me how I needed to get into control as a child so I could be able to deal with the pain of my parents. I remember the feeling of being swamped and drowning in their pain and struggle in life and I felt like I was constantly drowning with them and had to fix it or find a solution to stop the pain, JUST STOP THE FUCKING PAIN NOW! I AM FUCKING DROWNING AND DYING HERE!!!!!!!!!
I cant cope with my pain, my parents pain, my children's pain! I cant deal with it any more. There is to much of it and it is taking me under, overwhelming me constantly! I feel in a permanent state of confusion because I am so out of control with my pain, I cant stop it, I cant do anything about it, it is the monster I have always been one step away from because I did all I could not to feel it, not to let it take me and finish me off. Now it has me and it feels like I am waiting for it to kill me.
I cant cope with my pain, my parents pain or my children's pain it is all to much for me, to huge. I feel I am trapped underneath it all and never to be set free from it. As soon as there is a short break from pain, another pain comes in and sweeps me away. I am so scared of pain, pain terrifies me, my feelings terrify me and I am so scared, so terrified of feeling my painful feelings, what will they do to me? I feel like they will kill me. I feel like I want to die inside when I hear about Faye's tooth pain rearing its head again, it really is a monster to me coming to get me again because it hasn't finished with me yet.
YES I hurt my kids, YES I filled them with all of my pain, YES I now have to face it all and I am terrified of it and what I have done to them because I cant help them, I cant take their pain away so I have to live with what I have done to them and go through the constant pain they both bring to me, they are so damaged, I am so damaged, so swamped in all I have done to them and all of what was done to me. I literally feel like I am dying, drowning in my mountain of pain, it is crushing all the life out of me. I don't know what to do. I do, but I fee like I don't, I know I have to feel my way through this but I am so exhausted with it recurring all the time, coming to get me constantly, never leaving me alone. Faye comes to me with her pain and I want to say please fuck off, I cant deal with it and that is just what I wanted to say to my parents "I just cant cope with your pain, please fuck off and leave me alone I cant deal with your pain, it is t much for me, I am only a child and I cant cope with it, I am traumatised by your pain, I am damaged by your pain and I just want to die to escape from it, to not be here, to go out of body so I can deny all the pain you have put into me, all the pain I watch you both go through. I want to disappear so I don't have to deal with it, I want to deny it all so I don't have to feel your pain because it Is to much for me, a child". I feel like this with Fay too, she is my parents putting all their pain on my, a child who cant cope with the weight of their pain. I felt it was always my job to make it all good again and take away their pain and I have tried to do that with everyone because 'everyone' is my parents putting all their shit on me and I need faye's pain to connect me back to the pain my parents put on me, to feel the helplessness I felt as a child and the desperation to find a solution to their pain, something I have always tried to do, it is my job to get everyone out of their pain when my healing is the complete opposite to all I felt I had to do. Now I can no longer get anyone out of their pain, I have to leave them in it and feel all of my feelings about it and about why I fee it is my responsibility to take their pain away when God wants it like this for them.
I have heard the voices of my Mother and Father telling me to give Faye back to them, I no longer have to find the cure for anyone and it was to big a responsibility for my parents to put on a child, it was never my job to do that and it was cruel to make me believe it was my job and my fault the pain was there. My true parents are with me, I can feel them but it is so hard to give Faye back to them when I feel her pain is my fault and my problem to cure and this is how my parents made me feel about their pain. Their is a feeling in me of letting Faye go, I can feel the pull of Mother and Father yet also, I can feel the truth of my feelings being shown to me when I ask them to help me and I can see why I need Faye's pain, because it is my pain too and my parents pain and their parents pain, for fuck sake it is the pain of my lineage and I feel I have it all on my shoulders.
My parents made me feel I was responsible for their pain and for fixing it and Faye is bringing this truth of my childhood and how I was parented to me. She is helping me feel the truth of how it was for me and it was to much, I couldn't cope with it all, it was to much for a little child. I felt so helpless and useless because I couldn't make my parents feel any better, I was a useless let down and of no use to them because I couldn't make them feel good. I was powerless to help them as I am powerless to help Faye with her tooth pain. I feel so fucking useless and just want to cry in devastation because I was mislead in believing I had any power to take pain away, my parents made me believe I could, it was my job but its not, its evil to take someone's pain away and if God didn't want them to have it then they wouldn't. My parents made me believe I was God and could take their pain away, they made me arrogant in that way believing I had some sort of power to make it all good again but I cant and I don't have any power at all.
I am so scared and so terrified about never being out of pain, about not being able to take my children's pain away and I feel like I want to die which is just more of me wanting to deny my pain. I am so scared of my pain and that of others and I feel so fucking hopeless.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 5, 2020 22:26:46 GMT 10
I keep having grief come up, such deep painful feelings that just suddenly rise up in me and make me cry, even when I am not thinking about it, up it comes and today has been very bad. I have and uneaten pasta bake in the fridge, I made it yesterday and no one is around to eat it so it will have to be thrown away and it is bringing up such grief in me, a fucking pasta bake for Gods sake!! How does it make me feel? So fucking sad, such a waste, such incredible waste of something so good, something I put so much into. What a complete waste and that is what I feel I am, such a waste, being here all the time like my Pasta bake in the fridge, being here just waiting to be wanted and loved and enjoyed by someone, what a fucking waste it is. It will just go in the bin and that is me going in that bin, being thrown away because no one wanted it/me, just throw me away, so unwanted, so utterly unwanted and uncared about, all the goodness they are missing from it/me. All those good feelings they have missed out on from not wanting or loving me, all the feelings I have missed out on through them not wanting or loving me how I needed to be loved and wanted. I am that fucking Pasta bake just sitting in the fridge, not being wanted at all and just waiting to be thrown away and I feel so fucking sad, I cant open the fridge and look at it, it s to painful, its ME!
So I have been going through all this loss and grief from an unwanted Pasta Bake to the loss of my Husband, to the Loss of the love of my life which I only just found out about and no one thought to let me know, to the feelings of being so denied by my parents. God I just want to crumble up and die. I feel so alone and left to get on with life on my own with no one caring about me. I feel so cold and hollow, like a shell just going through the motions of living. I am so sad. I live a loveless, hopeless life. I am that Pasta Bake just waiting to be chucked out in the bin and forgotten about for ever, taken for granted and unwanted. I feel like saying sorry to it and holding on to it for as long as I can, even if it goes rotten with mould, I still want to keep it and not get rid of it because that is how I wanted to be loved and wanted, even as rotten as I was and am, I still want to be loved like that because that is the truth of Me! I am rotten, mouldy, going off more every day the longer I stay unwanted and ignored. I am rotten to the core and I no longer try to hide this truth about myself, all I can do now is BE IT! and no one looks at me, no one wants me, just like the Pasta Bake and the longer it sits there in its unloved state, the more rotten it will get and look and then the more no one will want it and be disgusted by it, the more they will reject it as it shows and manifests its unloved core. It is ME!
All I want to do is fucking cry constantly, I am so sad.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 6, 2020 19:54:50 GMT 10
Fucked off once again. On Saturday three of my Amazon orders got delivered to another address and I received a notice from them saying my three orders have now been delivered to recipient, but not to me! I have been seething about it all weekend, How fucking dare they! I am so angry about this. Paying for three items and someone else getting them in my neighbourhood and not being honest and saying they aren't for them, but keeping them, shit I am so fucking raging mad! I want to jump up and down and scream in a fucking tantrum at the unfairness of it all. I want what I have paid for but someone else has it, what the fucking fuck!!!!!
I feel livid inside, I want to knock at every door until I find my stuff and the person who accepted them as theirs and I want to bash the fucking shit out of them, jump up and down on them and obliterate them into nothingness for doing this to me. it's mine you Fuckers, give it back to me!! I want to go screaming down the street about how much I hate every one, no one can be trusted, I hate you all, go to Hell!
I hate every one, I truly do. I want them all to die I hate them so much. I have contacted Amazon and ranted at them and they gave me such a load of bullshit saying that someone else's order had been marked off as being mine and my order was on its way but the delivery notice said it would be delivered on Saturday, they are all just lying to me, liars, fucking liars just to keep me quiet, saying it is on its way when I know it is not and it has been delivered to the wrong person and they are covering their own arses. How does it feel to be lied to? fucking awful, I am powerless without the truth. Why don't they tell me the truth, all I want is the truth then I can stop wondering and feeling like I have been lied to. It is driving me crazy, the lies, I feel like I am going mad because I know I am being lied to and I am all confussed and weird. I felt like this all the time as a child, in utter confusion because mum and dad lied to me to keep me happy just like Amazon are doing, just so they don't get in trouble and with my parents, they wanted to keep me quiet and keep their power over me so they lied to me and it drove me mad, I was constantly not knowing who to trust and in constant confusion in life because of them lying. I was always in the dark and that is how I feel about Amazon right now because someone knows the truth, someone has my packages down my street and knows they are mine and I cant do anything about it and inside, I feel I am fucking screaming out for the truth. All I can do is give up, I cant do anything about it, whoever has my parcels wont give them to me and I have lost them to someone else and it is not fair, it is so unfair and I want to cry about the unfair loss I am feeling. Someone else can have what I want but not me, I don't get it and it is so unfair, I want them.
I never get what I want, I just am left with the fantasy of the things I want and was so close to having. On Saturday I was looking forward to receiving my three parcels that I had ordered and waited for the Amazon van to arrive like a child at Christmas but it drove down the back of my house and to the end of the road, so I thought maybe it is turning round or even has another delivery down here but when I saw it drive back up and not stop, my heart sank with the disappointment of it missing me out, it was not stopping for me. Like me never getting the things on my Christmas list but a load of other shit, always missing out and it isn't fair. I went straight onto my computer and saw the three parcels labelled as 'Been delivered to recipient'. Oh my God, NOOOoooooooooo they haven't, I am here waiting for them and you fucking idiot have delivered them to the wrong house, Go back and get them! Go now and knock on that door and tell them they are not for them and bring them here to me, NOW!!!!
It didn't happen, I went on live chat and expressed all of my hurt to the poor person at the other end, probably in India. I wanted him to tell the driver to go back and get my parcels but it couldn't be done. I felt so desperate for them at this stage, they weren't even anything great but they were mine and I couldn't have them because they now belonged to someone else, they had stolen from me, I paid for them and they accepted them as theirs's, fuckers, I want to kill them all. Such deceit, I was so raging mad. Today I woke up still reeling about it so I got back on to Amazon and poured out all of my pain again, they think I am fucking crazy and right now I am but this is just the craziness I have always felt at the unfairness of being lied to, not cared about, missed out, denied, unloved and all the rest of it.
What I expected to receive, I never got! I expected the love I needed from my parents and I never got it how I expected it to be and it is the same with these parcels, someone else got it all, it was meant for me and someone else got it all and none for me. My sister got their love and they forgot about me, she got the whole package just like these other people who now have all of my orders and I have none, they are happy and content at receiving such a surprise package on Saturday and I have been left empty and waiting, for ever waiting for what I want, expecting it to happen and come to me but it never will so that waiting breeds such anxiety, such searching all my life for the package that never came to me, looking every where for it and never finding it so learning to just give up and never to expect it to ever come. I have been missed out, over looked, deceived, hoodwinked, denied and so overlooked while someone else gets the lot, even the bit that was meant for me, they have it all and I have none.
I feel so sad, so missed, so overlooked, like I was there but they didn't see me, like on Saturday when I was looking out of the window and saw the delivery van but it never saw me, it missed me so it gave my stuff to someone else and felt happy they had done their job while all the time I was waiting for them to deliver to me but it never happened for me, I got overlooked, not even seen as waiting, yearning for it to happen to me, to be loved, to be given that package of love from mum and dad until one day I just stopped waiting and gave up, never expecting love again from them or anyone.
This shit with Amazon has shown me a lot of truth about how it was for me as a child and how missed out on love I felt, so overlooked and so hurt and that hurt I never showed to them, I just pushed it down until now. This amazon delivery bypassing me is the same as the Love Bypass I have felt all my life, I have missed out, I saw it happening for my sister but not for me, I watched it happen for her but not for me just as I watched my parcels be delivered to someone else yet they were meant for me but I got missed, they weren't aware of me even waiting for the parcels/Love. I got completely denied.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 7, 2020 22:38:10 GMT 10
Oh my fucking God, another Royal Mail delivery gone to the wrong address yet saying its been delivered, a different carrier yet the same shit happening. I have been ranting, screaming my fucking head off about the hopelessness of it all. Two parcel carriers delivering to the wrong address and me not getting my stuff. What the fucking fuck!!!!! I am so fucking fuming angry and if this is what it has all been about, to make me feel my anger, then it is fucking working God! I am reeling in anger and rage, I just smashed the fuck out of the printer because it wouldn't print, or connect or some shit like that. I smashed it so hard then in the next second worried that I had broken it and would need a new one. I am a fucking crazy person.
I am so out of control right now, feeling so helpless, like there is nothing I can do about any of it, every one is taking my stuff I have ordered and it isn't fair and I am so exhausted with it all, I give up. I am so disappointed, let down and so fucking angry that I have to go through the process of ringing up shipping companies to try and get my money back for goods I haven't received although the tracking says I have. I don't have a leg to stand on, that is how I feel. Like they wont believe me.
I cant even be bothered to write about it any more I am so fucked of with it all, the same boring shit happening to me. "Alright Mother and Father, you have me! I am fucking livid and I fucking hate you pair of fucking CUNTS!! I hate you both, you are so horrible to me, so unfair to me making all of this shit happen and laughing at me. I hate you, I don't ever want to meet you because I want to stick a knife in you both. You ruined my life and you carry on doing it, making it all so hard for me, so painful for me, so frustrating for me, I fucking hate you both to HELL!"
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 9, 2020 2:57:42 GMT 10
ArghhHHHHHHhhhhhhhh I have fucking tooth ache, my tooth chipped off and now everything hot or cold sends me into oblivion. It fucking hurts and I am so fucked off, I am drained and exhausted with it all. I will write more later when I have expressed all of my fucking pain!!!
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 9, 2020 22:29:04 GMT 10
I am ok, I have been expressing all of my pain and how I have had enough now! So worn out I feel like I am being wiped the floor with even though I am so exhausted. My tooth is rough and sharp because a bit of it broke off and now the nerve is exposed but it isn't as bad as it was. The pain is manageable and giving me plenty of anger and fuckedoffness to express. I have had both my son and my daughter expressing to me too so its been tough and I have felt like I cant cope with them right now but that is how I have always felt about them so I sent them away, to grandparents so I could get on with my life without them bothering me. Its horrible, I know, what a selfish bitch of a mother but it is all true. I was a rubbish mother just pretending to be a good one, God I was so shit, so unloving to them and all they say is I have been the best mum they could have wished for, poor little depraved kids, they have no idea of how awful I was and fi they could see my feelings at the time, they would know the truth of how I really felt. I feel terrible admitting and writing this but everything has to come clean now and I feel so sad for my poor, deluded children believing I was a good mum and it is only because I was such a good liar to them, myself and everyone.
I cant do anything for them and I never could, I was totally rubbish and now all I can do is sit and listen to them pour their hearts out to me about their pain, knowing full well it is all because of me and my unloving parenting. How does that make me feel? Fucking useless, awful, despicable, guilty parent who has fucked them and their lives up and now all I can do is sit back and watch the fruits of my labour and it is cringeable to see. I almost want to turn away and hide and curl up in a ball and not watch it all but I have to see what I have done to them, it is a crime and if I could be put away for it, I would go gladly. The worst thing for our children are us! their parents!
I feel so helpless to help them, just how this tooth is making me feel, I cant do anything about it, unless I go to the dentist and all the pain will be gone in one visit but that is missing out on all of that truth. Missing out on all of those glorious bad feelings the tooth ache is giving me, missing out on so much healing. So I sit with it and express it all, all of the dread and the fear of the pain coming back to get me again and hurt me just as I was hurt and just as I have hurt my children. I feel twinges of it and it scares me that it will come back big time to give me overwhelming and unbearable pain, will it? I don't know! I dread eating in case it shoots pain into the nerve and I cant bear it. What if I am never out of pain? what if it never goes away and I have to live every minite of every day in agony? I am so scared.
I speak to Marie about it and she say to me that the pain is never any bigger than the pain that I have already felt but denied, it can't be, the pain can only be equal to the original pain felt in my childhood. That brings me some comfort to know.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 10, 2020 6:00:46 GMT 10
Something I have noticed over the years of doing my healing is how it affect my children. They are both no longer unaware of their bad feelings, infact it is the opposite. They haven't chosen to do their healing but it is like they have no choice in it, their bad feelings are going to come up any way or maybe it is just me becoming more aware of what I have done to them and seeing all their pain as my pain and what I have done to them. But even still, especially my Son, he is so aware and sensitive to his feelings and every on elses and my daughter is becoming quite psychic, they both are and very mediumistic. They have grown up with me going on about expressing feelings and our childhood denial and suppression of our feelings so they get it but they are not yet there with it yet life has become so hard for both of them with events occurring to make them feel bad and up it all comes as I sit and listen to them and it is pretty much none stop.
My Son is near breaking point in his life and is on the edge with so much grief and pain, so many of his friends have died, suicided, or he has found his relationships with his friends and the pubs they all would meet, its all changed for him. The truth of them is now being shown to him and he is losing so many friends who have been together for so many years, it is all ending for him now. Some days I feel I can hardly cope with his sadness and grief, so much sadness surrounds him so deeply.
Today he called me and told me that he felt so much deep sadness that he wanted to die, like his friends. He told me he has even been contemplating how to end it and feel close to the end coming for him. This is how unloved he feels, so unloved that he wants to extinguish his own light, the tiny bit I have left him. It is me that has extinguished his light, me and my unloving parenting and all events that come to him are showing him and me, just how awful his childhood was, the truth of what I have done to him.
All I could do is listen to him tell me how he would go about killing himself, I even asked him how he would do it, it is a weird conversation but I wanted to get it all out of him so that it wasn't left inside him going round and round in his head making him feel crazy. I was coaxing every last awful piece of the conversation out of him and infact, it sounded like just a normal conversation, no drama at all, just really peaceful and calm, even some laughs here and there. By the end of our conversation he no longer felt like it but he might again tomorrow so we will do the same again and again, as long as it is in him, I will listen, it is all I can do for him now, after all the bad I have done to him.
My daughter also came to me last week telling me of these awful thoughts she has been having and they scare her. She told me how she was out shopping with stuff in her basket and she got to the till and turned around and put all the stuff back, she said she saw every thing in her basket as pointless and it all had no meaning and she said her life has been feeling like that and it scares her so we went over the scared part of how she was feeling but she only goes so far and then it is all over, she doesn't want to go any further and she gets angry so I have to stop it there or I will lose her feeling I am a person she can some to.
It is all so very hard and since I have been healing it has really affected my children, they are a part of it, they feel it all too and don't know what is happening to them, although they know the healing I am doing but they are not yet they are in a way because I am and we are so close. I watch life become hard for my children as the truth of their childhood's comes up to meet them and it is very scarey for them, very confusing and they are not ready for it but because of me and my healing it is like they have no choice but they are unaware of that and what is happening to them. What I do, happens to them to, although not as it is happening to me because I have chosen to do my healing and long to God for the truth of my feelings constantly but, they haven't yet it is happening for them through all the cords we are connected by.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 18, 2020 23:15:12 GMT 10
I had a bad night with my tooth again last night and from what I feel Mother and Father telling me, it is the perfect pain for me to get in touch with the truth of just how bad my pain was. I told them I couldn't believe it was that bad for me and they said that most people don't realise just how much they have denied and suppressed and if I didn't have the pain right from the start of my life then their would be no need for this tooth pain I am getting now. The tooth pain is telling me the truth about how severe my pain was and how much of it I still have to get to the 'ROOT' of.
Shit is hurt so much, so deep inside my tooth bone and at one point I thought I was going to have to take paracetamol or Ibuprofen but I really didn't want to do that. I wanted to heal it with Mother and Father so I did. Constantly expressing the same pain but going a tiny bit deeper every time I get it, bit by bit the painful denied and supressed feelings come up but this could be a long journey if it is going to be little and often and I don't look forward to it. Today I am pain free and I slept well after I had expressed all Mother and Father felt I needed to and I really know that they know when enough is enough, I feel they are in total control of this.
I dread having to go to the dentist and right now, with this lock down our dentist is only seeing emergencies and they are not allowed to do any drilling so all they can do is pull the tooth out and that is what they would do with me. I dread the interference, the poking and injecting, it is more pain to ease the tooth pain and that injection, shit it goes deep and really hurts, fuck them hurting me for my own good. No, I don't want it, I don't want them hurting me when I can do this with Mother and Father by expressing my feelings. I might have to have this tooth pain until my healing is over, I know Mother and Father know what is best for me and what pain I need to bring up all of the denied childhood pain that I stuffed away inside me.
While the pain is going on I feel so unloved, so uncared about, so much loss and lack comes up and a lot of hating Mother and Father to make me feel this bad just so that I can know the truth of my denied pain, Does it have to be this bad? Yes of course it does if that is the truth of how much of my childhood pain I have denied and if this is how bad it was and if tooth ache is the best way to get me in touch with the truth of it all, then this is what is best for me to heal if and feel it.
No one can take my pain away, no one can stop the awful tooth ache i feel that shoots up to my right ear and stops me from talking so it is so hard to express my feelings out loud because the pain gets worse when I talk so I have to do it in my head when it gets to bad and that is just how it was for me as a child. I couldn't express my pain out loud to my parents, I had to keep it all in my head with it not going anywhere but still indside me and this tooth pain is making me do the same as I cant speak when it gets to bad, so the expressing is done all within. Isn't it so clever, that the pain can even stop me talking out loud to show me how I wasn't allowed to express my pain but had to bottle it up and never complain. Shit it is all so amazing.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 19, 2020 18:23:38 GMT 10
I had a pain free day and night last night which was lovely. Still feel myself just waiting for the bad thing to come back and get me. I am very scared of the overwhelming pain and all through my life I have tried to get myself and anyone I know out of pain, I wanted to be a nurse so I could stop the pain in everyone and I can see know how wrong that is. It is me knowing better than God, God is saying these people, and myself, need this pain to help them feel and heal and I am trying to go against God and take he pain away, I am fighting with God, resisting God and the pain necessary for me/us to heal. It has always been my job to make people feel good, I can remember it as a child, doing all I could to make mum and dad happy and forget their problems for a moment but it never worked, the problems were always there waiting for them. I have had to do a huge U-Turn in my life and run into my bad feelings instead of away from them, seeing them as good instead of so so bad.
God knows what I need, what pain is a perfect pain to make me feel my denied and repressed feelings and this toothache is the perfect pain to take me back to my childhood pain that I pushed away as a child and now I am feeling it big time! Me and my childhood pain are one right now.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 20, 2020 18:48:46 GMT 10
Just heard on the news that a young girl took her life in 2018 whilst at University and the parents were being interviewed because they are suing the University. The interviewer asked them the question "Can you tell us a bit about your daughter" The Mother responded "She had Social anxiety problems but was a very good girl and she did everything we wanted of her". What the fuck, I felt like punching them in the face, that poor girl living the life her parents wanted her to live, they killed her not the fucking University. "She did everything we wanted of her, she did everything we asked of her" that is the killer line, that killed her, her parents 'Will' over her killed her and they have no idea what they have done, they believe they have been the best and most loving parents and are doing all this in their daughters best interest, bullshit!!
That poor your 18 year old girl died because her parents killed her by replacing the girls 'Will' with theirs. She died at the moment of conception and her killing herself is just a manifestation of that initial death she suffered when her parents intentions were to create a child who would be obedient to them only and fulfil all of their expectations of her. No wonder she had social anxiety, she had all the pressure of living up to her parents expectations, not letting them down, going to university and doing everything they wanted of her and in their statement today, on TV, they confirmed that "She did everything we wanted of her" They were living their lives through her and that poor girl had no idea of who she really was or what she really wanted to do because her parents had imprinted on her so deeply.
I listened to them blame every thing on the University, having no clue that the blame was theirs entirely, it never even came into it. They have killed their daughter not the University. Their 'Will' over the 'Will' of their daughters, took her life. She had no life! She had no life of her own only the life her parents wanted her to live and that is what killed her.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 21, 2020 17:35:35 GMT 10
My tooth ache began to reappear this morning so when I was in the car I was expressing the pain and the annoyance of having it hanging over me like this, fuck it is so annoying and I am so sick to death of expressing the pain of it. Repeating the same words again and again but I know that if I didn't need to have it then I wouldn't, Mother and Father know just what I need to help me heal.
The subtle niggle of this tooth ache is still with me, its not bad but it so annoying. It is my dad and I know it! The pain hangs over me like a threat, letting me know it is in charge of me, it is in control (my dad). When it rages it is him raging at me or one of my brothers or sister and me being so scared of him. He wasn't always like this, at times he was so soft and so loving but the times when he was angry, they are the times that scared the shit out of me and stayed with me, doing so much damage, shit he was huge and so scary to me as a small child. He was strict and demanded respect and obedience. Every bit of this pain is dad. As my tooth pain screams at me that it is in control of me and it will let off the pain when it wants to in the mean time I have to be subservient to it and obey it, give in to it and be just like I had to be with dad. I am that child again being just as scared and dreading it just as much as I dreaded dad.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 23, 2020 9:21:25 GMT 10
Today the tooth pain came back and it was unbearable si I had to take some pain killers. This was not an easy decision but it was to severe. Now that made me feel some feelings. As I was swallowing them down I felt like I had failed, I was so rubbish, such a useless disappointment who was doing just as her parents had taught her, to take the pain away at all costs and take pills. I felt o fucking awful doing it. Then I began to realise I was meant to do this and I was resisting doing just what was done with me as a child. My would take the pain away and use medication to do this and today, I had to see this truth and feel how it feels to give in and take the medicine.
I cant believe how powerless it made me feel taking them, like I was utterly useless, pathetic, trying to get rid of my pain but taking the tablets made me feel more pain. So powerless and my tooth ache also made me feel this way because there was nothing I could do about it, I couldn't fix it and me avoiding taking tablets was just more of my power play, thinking I could do this, just keep expressing but I dont have the power to heal myself, it's just another fantasy. The truth is I am so fucking weak I will do anything to get out of pain, just like my parents taught me and this is the truth I have had to see.
I can't be any other way and to be at one with how it was or me as a child, then getting rid of the pain with medication is the truth of just how much my parents wanted to get rid of the pain and not have to bother with it.
I had to take the pills to get rid of the pain as that is how it was for me as a child. All my power being stripped away and replaced with a pill. Totally denying my pain and I can really see it now and just how useless it made me feel, like I am so useless so let mummy and daddy take the pain away for you Sam. No power at all.
Taking that pain killer was hard for me to do, I felt defeated and in that feeling moment I could see the truth of my mind trying yo keep me feeling and not giving in, still all so mind controlled and I didn't realise I was doing it until I had taken the pills and felt so broken by taking them, so weak and powerless. The pills were my parents taking my pain away so I have no pain yo feel bad about. Taking those pills opened up so much truth in me, that I cant do it, I cant heal myself, it is useless and pathetic to think I could and that was what was keeping me from taking the pills, wanting to do it, heal myself when the truth is I cant. I am incapable, weak, pathetic and useless, good for nothing. I gave in and took th medicine and crumpled up on the floor in a pathetic heap, totally defeated because that is the truth of how it was for me as a child.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 24, 2020 4:04:04 GMT 10
I am feeling very fucked off. No matter what I say to Trevor, he cant just agree with me and say something like "Oh yeah Sam, I get it, I feel the same, or, Yes you are right!" I can never be right with him and that is how it was with dad, I am never right. It fucks me off so much that I have stopped voicing my opinion which is terrible, I know but it is the same repression I felt as a child and in my growing years with my parents. It is all coming up now right in my face and that is the tooth pain, and fuck that tooth pain! it has come back again and so so so bad. But I want to talk about how I feel about Trevor never agreeing with me. He has to always be one better, telling me how it is all the time, never just letting me talk and then agreeing with me, that would be so refreshing to have that equality but it cant be like that, I know. If I do some food, very rarely has he said that it was really nice, usually he tells me what he would have done to make it even better, what a fucking shit! I am so pissed off!
If he did compliment me I think I would reject it any way, not feeling I deserve it, feeling like he was being condescending to me and belittling me, saying "What a good little girl you are sam, you have done it right". I feel stupid when I get compliments and want to say "No, I am not, stop saying I have done a good job, I am rubbish and not good at anything". This is how unworthy my parents have made me feel and Trevor is the perfect person to bring up all of that unworthiness and I fucking hate him right now. He is always so right, always putting me right like I am a child and I know nothing. He doesn't see me just like my parent didn't. I feel so subservient, so pathetic, so ignored and like I am invisible and so unworthy.
I just made a Vegan Pasta bake and it was so nice and I thought he would comment about how nice it was but he said, "Did you put any chili in it, the last one you did was perfect and this one; well I cant taste the chili". How did that make me feel? So unappreciated, so useless, such a let down and such a disappointment. I replied by saying "I am sorry I have let you down and disappointed you with it not being to your liking" he made a joke out of it but I was serious. It was just like talking to my Dad.
I feel angry and hurt and so unappreciated.
My tooth, well I am having to take more pain killers today, I cant cope with the pain, I thought I could but I cant and I never have been able to cope with pain, being so scared of it as a child. Taking those pills made me feel guilty, like I am not doing my healing properly and I have let myself and every one down because I have denied my pain by making it go away with pills. It hurts me so much to have done this to myself, kill the pain! I hate myself for doing it. I will have to have the tooth pulled out, yes, pull out the pain, pull out my dad then he cant hurt me any more, get rid of him out of my life, pull him out and throw him in the bin, never to interfere with me again and never to cause me pain.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jul 28, 2020 17:14:35 GMT 10
Well, the tooth pain is so severe now that I have to take pain killers. It gets me in my sleep, during the day, when I wake up and it is miserable. There is nothing I can do and I have realised that I was resisting not medicating, not wanting to give in to the pain which is not wanting to give in to my parents. So, I gave in!! just as I gave in to them, I could never win and it is just the same with the tooth ache. It is so much more powerful than me, I cant beat it and any trying is just using my mind to try to have power over it and I have none, none at all. The pain has won and I have had to crumble in defeat and let myself be taken over with the pain and the weakness of having to take pills to stop the unbearable pain. I don't have the strength to beat it, I cant , it is not how it was for me as a child. How it was for me was to back down and be controlled, they would let me go so far, just as this tooth pain is showing me, but when it came to it they would put the pressure on me to comply and be obedient no matter how much pain I felt, I had to do as they said and I am doing as my pain is telling me, I am being obedient and subservient to it because that is the only way it could ever be for me. The pain wants me to break and to show me just how powerless i was as a child, I had power to a certain degree and then mum and dad would come in and change it all to be how they wanted me to be, they would break me down and I would have to do their will which caused me so much pain.
I have really realised that I was being so resistant in not taking pain killers, really stoic and determined to not take them until the pain broke me down and showed me that I have no say in it, I cant take the pain and if I did it would just be with my mind, hanging it all out so I didn't take the pills and then feel so let down, that I cant do it, so powerless to heal myself but I cant heal myself, I don't have that power, I have to do what mu parents say and take the pill to get rid of the pain, they want me out of pain because they don't know what to do about it so they tell me to take pills to stop the pain. Taking those pills makes me feel so defeated, like I have lost, I am not feeling my feelings and healing properly and it is such a let down and disappointing feeling to give in but it all makes so much sense, I don't have the power to heal myself. I am feeling constantly and the pain does go but other times it is all to much and it comes on so quick and I am so sick to death of repeating the same feelings, I am so tired of it that the words hardly come out of my mouth, I don't feel there is any more to say about the tooth pain and how severe it can be. No more words come. I have exhausted it all out of me but the pain continues to control me and I have more feelings about it, the same ones most of the time but not always, they hit me at a different level and they then feel like truth so I feel that until every feeling about this reaches that level of truth and real knowing inside of me, the pain has to continue. Tiny new truths come up although I am repeating myself most of the time, shit I am so drained and I feel totally wrung out right now, so exhausted.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 2, 2020 20:18:14 GMT 10
Still in such incredible pain, the pain now travels down to my collar bone on the right hand side and it paralyses my right arm, I cant lift it or grab hold of anything. I feel like I would rather die than carry on like this, all feeling that I have denied from my childhood. I actually dread waking up and having another day in pain. The right hand side of my body is totally fucked and I have started having heart problems too. My heart begins to go into a different rhythm, like really fast for a few moments, only when I have the tooth pain though. I don't think I can go on much longer like this it is to much now. I know there is an infection their because it is swelling up and when the pain is with me it is like the pain is my parents, the tooth is my parents in my head constantly causing me pain, they are literally in me head as is this tooth. I want them ripped out of my head, I want them out of my head and this is how I felt so many times as a child and as a young adult, I just wished they would fuck of to another country and leave me alone so I could be free and that is how I feel about this pain, I wish it would fuck off so I could be free of the pain it causes me. I want it taken out like I wanted them taken out, got rid of, getting rid of them. They caused an infection in me all through my life, so much illness. I was also the infection in their lives and they wished I would stop causing them pain but I could only be the pain they created.
The pain isnt constantly severe but it is always with me, threatening me to get really bad when ever it wants to, and it does. When ever I do anything I want to do, it starts and gets so bad that I cant do anything. it takes all of my will away. It feels like a long rusty nail going into my Jaw, bang, bang, bang as my parents smash it into my jaw bone, hammering it deeper every time.
I just saw a vision of Jesus as I wrote that, being nailed to the cross with huge rusty nails, the same ones my parents use to smash through my jaw when ever they want to. Jesus just let them do it to him, he didn't resist, he let them hurt him, do what they wanted to him just as I have had to do with my parents, let them have their will over me. But like this tooth ache, it isn't always severe and nor where my parents, we had good times too and when they were good it was wonderful but I knew the pain would come back, a constant threat of my dad making sure he had our obedience or else, the pain would come, he scared the shit out of me as a child and still does. I am so scared of him just as I am so scared of this pain, I feel this tooth is him and I want him out of my head, taken out so the pain goes. I was so happy when he would go off abroad to work for six months of the year, shit life was so good just with mum, without him she was herself and we all got on so well but when we knew dad was coming back it was all ruined. Back to oppression and being good out of fear.
He was a big man and to a little child, he seemed like an ogre, I was always so shit scared of him, he is this tooth, drilling it into me that I must be good or the pain will get worse. Shit the pain has just gone into my right ear as I am talking about him. Mum said she was coming round last week so she turned up on Wednesday and the sneaky thing didn't say anything about bringing dad with her, you see, that is what she was like, very sneaky, she would tell dad everything, nothing was just between us, I couldn't trust her. She didn't tell me dad was coming to and as I heard her come through the back door, I heard another set of footsteps and they were his, my heart sank just as it did as a child. I saw him and put on the fake hello's I am still so shit scared of showing him how I feel about him, I have to fake it, I am still that scared child. We all sat outside and he said to me "I am 80 in a few days time, 80!" He repeated. I said I knew and he carried on to say "I want to know that you will be there at my funeral when the time comes" Well what a fucking demand, there it is again, I must be the obedient child to him and honour him by being there at his funeral, but it just came out "No! I wont" My mum instantly, in horror, said "Oh sam, stop it, yes you will" I could tell she was shit scared now too, I had stood up to him and given him the killer blow. I looked at my dad and his head bowed, I thought he was going to burst out into tears with that killer blow i had just dealt him. We all sat in a terrible silence, not knowing who was going to speak first, then dad said "You went to Harrys funeral but you wont come to mine, your Father" Harry was my husband. I replied "That was 8 years ago and our relationship was completely different to ours dad, also I am not the same person as I was then, things are so different between us now." but I couldn't say those words to him 'I don't like you dad, I don't love you and never have, I wouldn't even pick you out to be a friend in my life, I wouldn't chose to spend any time with a person like you, you have held me back all my life, oppressed me, made me scared of men and scared to do anything wrong in life in fear of getting told off, NO! I wont be there because I don't like you'. That is what I wanted to say to him but I couldn't do it, I wasn't allowed to hurt him like that. I wasn't allowed to hate him or ever be angry at him, that was the ultimate act of disrespect and it was me he found so much respect in, I had to respect him and he liked it, it gave him back the respect he never got from his parents, he found it in me, he made me be like it so he got what he needed from me.
I am still so scared of him though, I wish I could have said what I wanted to say to him in that moment, the perfect moment to do it, but how could it be, it wasn't like that for me as a child, I wasn't allowed to disagree with anything he said or did so I cant do it now because I am no different from the scared child I was. He was allowed to upset others and say what he liked but I wasn't. I spent a life of not upsetting others because I wasn't allowed to upset him and still, I cant. I saw exactly how it was for me with him when he turned up the other day, it showed me all I needed to know. My pain has now gone as I have been writing this. I feel so pathetic that I cant just come out and say it to his face but no way can I, I am to scared of him, it would destroy him, yet I allow him to destroy me, I have to let him do that to me, to crush me, to drive a rusty old nail through my jaw, I have to allow this to happen and I am not allowed to complain about it to anyone. I am not allowed to express my pain just take what ever is thrown at me without complaining.
He is the one hammering this nail into my jaw, he is in control of the hammer and when ever he wants he can drive the nail deeper into me and I cant do anything about it, not a thing because that is how it was for me as a child. This tooth ache is the physical manifestation of the denied and supressed feelings I have harboured all my life, this is the expression of that pain caused.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 3, 2020 1:11:57 GMT 10
Its been about 4 hours since my last post about my tooth, I know it is getting boring now but it doesn't matter, I have to keep expressing it, I am sick to death of it, expressing the same shit time and time again but that is the way it goes.
The pain builds up slowly and I can feel its threat of hurting me and it is going to be bad, it starts with a throbbing in the root of the tooth and builds up in power and pain, I fucking hate it, I wish it would just fuck off, please fuck off and leave me alone, I am tired of the pain, worn out and exhausted with it all. The pain shoots down my jaw into my neck and stops at my collar bone where the pain lingers. My whole left side of my body loses power and I cant move my fingers, all my nerves are fried.
I am so tired of living like this, it hurts so much and I can't get out of pain, nothing I do can stop the pain. I wish it would stop, I hate it. I hate it so much, I despise the pain, I despise the way it makes me feel, so weak so powerless. The pain is so strong, so powerful, it has such a hold over me, coming and going when ever it wants to. I have no control over it, I cant stop it but it hurts so much, so, so much.
I can feel the pain right now, searing deep in the root, in the bone. It has no care for me and how I feel, how much pain it causes me, it doesn't care a toss about me. I can feel the sharp shock of the pain shooting down my jaw and into my neck, it is making me feel so weak, I just feel like crumbling in powerlessness. I feel utterly helpless to do anything, this pain has me, it owns me and will do what it wants with me. I fucking dread it coming, it couldn't care less about me. I am so tired, I am fucking exhausted with the severe pain.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 5, 2020 1:18:51 GMT 10
I have had a terrible day, the pain is now unbearable so I called the dentist and they are seeing me tonight but they are not happy about it and have made me feel terrible. They wanted me to fill in some forms and return them before my appointment so I did and walked up to the dentist to put them in their letter box. I buzzed their buzzer outside and a voice came over, I told her I had my forms to hand in and she told me she couldn't accept them because they cant touch anything from the patients. I told her it is in an envelope and I will drop it in the letter box but she said no it will mean she will have to touch it and told me to photograph the forms and email them to her. All of a sudden I felt a rage come up in me and I fired back. I told her that she made me feel like a dirty, unclean person who is a real lowlife and no one can be near, a disgusting fuck of a person and she turned of the intercom on me and wouldn't speak to me. A man was standing near me and couldn't believe what she was saying and commented how crazy people have got and I burst out in tears, I was uncontrollable as I walked home, screaming and shouting to God about how unloved and how hated I am and how I hate every one, every single person on this planet. Shit I got in and Trevor took one look at me and I couldn't even breathe I was so overwhelmed by the whole unloving experience.
I truly felt the rock bottom of the truth of how hated I am and how much I hate everyone for hating me. I could have killed in that moment and I wanted to smash that girl up, beat her and rip her to pieces so she didn't exist any more, just how she made me feel. My tooth ache went instantly as I was walking home in my seething madness, all the anger and rage spewing out of me, they can all go and fuck themselves to hell, I hate every one of them and i still do! Cunts, every one is a fucking cunt and I hate them all, i want everyone to die for how they have made me feel. I can feel how hated i really am, that dentist girl didn't want to be near me, didn't want to be infected by me, like I was worse than vermin in the gutter who lives on shit. She made me feel like the most putrid piece of crap on the planet and it was all she could do to speak to me over the intercom. I hate her, I want to fucking rip her to pieces just like she has done to me. I cant stand being in this world any more, a place where no one wants to be near anyone, every one hates every one and doesn't trust any one. I don't want to be here, I hate it here. It is to terrible now, it is to unloving, the hate is to much for me to cope with, to unloving. No one wants me near them, they hate me, I am putrid and disgusting and unworthy to be near anyone.
I wish I could express properly the way it has made me feel, it is so deep, such a hurt, such a pain to be so hated and kept at such a distance emotionally. I fee like I want to die with the unlovingness of it all and today, being treated like that, like an unworthy, infected piece of putrid shit, it was the last straw for me. I couldn't stop myself from crying as she shut me off at the intercom, she didn't want to hear me any more like I was a bad and naughty child who needed shutting up because her parents had had enough of her tantrum.
I know all of this has been me telling my parents how they made me feel all my life but today I feel it has hit the pinnacle and my tooth pain has led me to this experience of rage and hurt at them and that girl, treating me like that, has brought it all up and out of me, crying just the way I would have cried as a child feeling so hurt and so unloved and denied and supressed by my parents. Today has been the pinnacle for sure and it released so much in me that has been there since childhood.
The tooth ache came back and then went and this is how it has been for a few days, pain, no pain, pain, no pain just as it was for me at home, they were nice and loving, then they were horrible, up and down it went all the time, they are the tooth ache and I wanted them removed from out of my head just like this tooth.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 5, 2020 2:13:07 GMT 10
I feel like, today, I have got there. I have reached the truth all through the feelings my painful tooth has given me and having this experience with the dental assistant. She rejected me so deeply that it hit me and touched the deepest part of me and I haven't cried like that, ever. I couldn't speak, I couldn't catch my breath, I thought I was going to pass out with the grief and sadness I felt. I was so beside myself that I felt like the hysterical child that I have been hiding from, the child that wasn't allowed to see the light of day. I just let her scream and feel as hurt as I truly felt inside. It was the deepest hurt and pain and no one cared.
The tooth has shown me how uncared about i was and felt but had denied it all my life. Than dental assistant told me the truth, "I cant touch anything you have touched in case you infect me" I am the putrid infected child making everything bad for everyone. I am the one who will infect the world with my evilness, I am bad to be around and totally not wanted. I am so despicable that no one should be around me or near me because I am dirty, vile, putrid, disgusting, infected and the grossest thing on the planet. That is how she made me feel, that is how this so called 'Pandemic' is making me feel and it is how I was made to feel by my parents and now, right now, today, I know that to be the truth. I know it more than I have ever known anything. It is the greatest truth of my life. I am hated, I HATE!!
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 5, 2020 8:08:17 GMT 10
Well, I had my tooth pulled out!! The dentist was so lovely and caring, she really cared about my pain and took an x-ray and said the root was absolutely rotten and causing me so much pain and those words made it all make sense. 'MY ROTTEN ROOTS' My family roots were rotten and that is what caused all of my pain and today I felt the pinnacle of those rotten roots, the devastation of the pain caused by my family lineage.
She gave me the option of root canal work or extraction and today I knew that extraction was the only way. I felt like I had come to an ending and the extraction of this pain, this rotten tooth was the final act of unlovingness to myself, by my family. To get rid of the part of me that was in pain just as my family would and did do. This act of extraction has so many endings for me. Pulling out and getting rid of the rotten root of my family, getting them out of my head at last after so much expressing over the years, finally they were to leave me.
I cant tell you how free I am feeling right now, like they have left me. The rotten roots of my family are now gone and maybe I have expressed all of the pain caused by them and this tooth extraction has been the final act with all the severe pain I have been in and seen just how unbearable it was for me as a child, this tooth has taken me there and allowed me to feel the truth of my childhood pain and right now I really feel like it has ended with that final act.
I asked the dentist if I could keep the tooth so I have it and it means so much to me, it is so important to see the rot that I needed to experience and all the pain this rotten rooted tooth needed to give me, it is so beautiful and so amazing what it has done for me. This little thing, this tooth is a symbol of my healing and it is a miracle what it represents and what it has done for me. caused me so much pain, the pain that I couldn't get to right down in my root of my family, my rotten family roots and I feel I am now severed and extracted from them.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 22, 2020 21:36:32 GMT 10
I have incredible pain all down the back of my body on the left hand side. I have a torn rotator cuff in my shoulder which is caused by "repeated small traumas over time" well, that is what the internet said. It makes sense, this was my childhood, repeated small traumas over time and now it has accumulated to this awful pain. I also have the worst muscle pain in my middle back and I only have to make the wrong move and I am in trouble and this again, is a reflection of my childhood with mum and dad and with school, make the wrong move and that is it, trouble. I am totally powerless to the pain and what ever it wants to do with me, it is in charge and I have to do what it says. All the pain is such a deep and painful expression of my denied and supressed pain as a child. I feel so fucked, so physically retarded in my movements, like an old woman hunched over because of the pain when I try to straighten up. I can stand with any confidence, it hurts to much, even to lay down hurts and I cant get through a night with either my back or my shoulder giving me pain.
I only have to make a little jolt and my shoulder has me in the worst pain, so bad I have to double over and just want to pass out with the unbearable pain. No one helps me, no one turns a head to ask me what's wrong, I get no attention when I am in pain, just like when I was a kid. I feel totally insignificant, invisible, and uncared about in my pain and all I want is someone to care about me, some attention.
|
|