Hi I was wondering are you from Australia. And you,Marion and Samantha are great inspirations to me. And there's not another man I ever met like James. I have been in healing process for about 9 months and the effects are tremendous. Keep on writing we need the feminine point of view very very bad.
Hi Wesley, No, I am from the United States living in the midwest. Yes, I agree with you about James...his way of staying true to his emotions no matter what they look or sound like blows me away and his ability to translate spiritual truth into our everyday living situations astounds me. Do you hear us raving James and Marion?! I sense that as others are drawn here and share their own unique ways of learning we all are going to feel the burner turned up in our lives. Having the support of each other without feeling like someone is going to stab you in the back when you just lay what's going on out there just as it is, is not something I've ever been a part of before, yet James has led the way here with his writings. What a beautiful foundation he has laid for those finding ourselves being led here.
I also have gained much from James as he has been so honest in writing about his addictions. My ability to accept myself and my husband in our current addictions...understanding the need to self soothe because of what is still unfelt and needing to be felt and expressed out of us...I feel shifts inside as a result. The harsh judgments I used to have don't have any place anymore when I realize I can just keep using the addiction situations as a place to converse with the part of me that isn't yet ready to feel what ever it has experienced with compassion. I feel I have more room to just allow it to be without needing to hide or try with my mind to make myself stop.
I am so glad to hear of your effects that you are seeing in your life from your emotional processing work. I have been reading the writings here for about 3 months or so and have also felt more progression. I don't feel so alone anymore. Are you from the USA Wesley? Yes, I will share more of my writing...thanks for encouraging it. So glad to be here with you and thank you for asking questions and sharing what you are learning. Same goes to you too, Samantha!
Boo hoo hoo, you’ve all made me cry with all the nice things you’ve said. It’s too much. Mum and dad never said nice things to me about what I did, as you have all done. They said I had nice curly hair, and it was good being tall, and I was good not being a bother to them; that I was needed by Gran because I did what she wanted and ate all the scrambled eggs she cooked for me. They only praised me, so I’ve been coming to understand more fully lately, because I did what they wanted. They didn’t like and love me for just being ME. And I’ve avoided this truth for so long, deceiving myself by believing their lies that they did love me and did need me.
I’ve had my websites and books available for some years now. Periodically I would ask for any comments on my work, as no one ever got in touch with me. Once a Danish woman said I should publish my first Bad Feelings are Good healing book, and another woman came to my first forum I started saying she was so happy I was providing it, yet she helped me see I wasn’t ready to do that at the time, so unfortunately I had to reject her and stop it.
Then a man pointed out one of my free books had an incorrect link and said he’d gained so much from my writing and thanked me for it.
And having so few people comment or show any interest over the years brought up endless amounts of: Why am I writing, why am I doing it all, what do I want out of it, why do I bother, am I doing it for myself or only for other people, and all because I believe I should do it for them, all of which Marion and I have gone over and over, all giving rise to more truth and more realisations as to how I so desperately need love and all the ways I’m trying to get it. Trying to get the same false love and praise I got from my parents.
Then suddenly Wes contacted me saying how much help he was getting from it all, he was so enthusiastic about it. And because of him I decided to have another proper go at a forum as I wanted to also bring together DLS and CR under one roof. And I hoped that possibly others might be interested and want to join in. And then Samantha came and now you desire2bme.
And now you are all saying such nice things to me, and telling me how much you love what I’ve done, and even like ME; and how much you all accept Marion so willingly too, even though she’s not directly involved in a public sense. And so you’ve all helped me to feel so happy, and that unlike my false love from my parents that was all just for them, you, strangers, do like me and all I am doing.
And I am so grateful to you all for coming and posting what you do. I feel privileged to say the least, you all saying such incredibly moving things about yourselves and all you’ve been through and are going through. So much of which stirs up so much more in myself to work through. I have dreamed ever since I first started writing of being with people who are all striving as hard as they can to live true to themselves and do their healing and live spiritually how I believe and feel is the right way to live. To be able to read what you’re going through, so see what truth you uncover, and see the differences of how we all do our healing - I tell you, it’s beginning to feel like a dream come true!
So thank you all for putting in the time. I know how much effort it takes to write it all and to read each others posts; and it’s such a pleasure getting to you know you all. And thank you for being yourselves - that’s the best part.
This last year, I chose to write a little bit everyday from my heart (what ever was on it), in order to turn on the faucet of my own self expression. I found that little would come to write unless I was writing for an audience. There was this feeling of what I would write having little importance or value if it was just for me to see and feel. I found myself expressing how I saw things that others didn't seem to see through and was testing those who were reading to see if they'd respond and how they'd respond. Through the venue of the internet, I could post and make comment, giving my own input and sight on things without anyone seeing me feel my shame or pain when my words were ignored or unaccepted. Through this experience, I would go through this dance with people that I never allowed myself to do as a child in my own family...putting myself out on the "dance floor"...finding out what my perspective was as I read and took in how it was the same of different from others and voicing it. Finally one day, my desire to write just stopped as I felt that I had to make my own inner connection with my feeling self priority. It didn't matter what anyone else would think or add to what I might write anymore...it had only been a temporary fix that I would use to stay away from getting into my feeling heart. Those who I would find reading or joining in on written conversations were only playing the mind games and using them to stay numbed out from getting down to our own very personal issues.
It was shortly after feeling this tug to leave the internet world I was a part of that I reconnected on a deeper level than I ever had with the little feeling child in myself. This was the Way for me and now I didn't want to move away from it again. It was my priority to see this child and hear this child more than wanting the acceptance/validation of anyone else anymore in my life. As I entertained this place of feeling no matter what was here, the desire to paint was the expression that surfaced within me. So I have begun to allow myself to baby step into this new painting world with the kind of paints you use in kindergarten...tempera paints. My prayer of using this medium is for my feeling child to have her own little place to show me who I am, what I have forgotten, what's really true.
Right alongside these events has come finding this oasis here with you James, Marion, Samantha, Wes and those here reading as invisible guests. It feels so different than any other place I have explored or been on the internet because it's priority is my own heart's true passion...to uncover and discover me, because I have chosen that I am that important, that valuable and precious and equal in standing with everyone else on the planet. Why? Because I say so, that's why, I finally say that this is so. All of the phases and motivations have been and will continue to be important...starting off writing for others and what they did for me led me further on and deeper in, desiring to move past discussing with the mental mind and now prioritizing my feeling self. My writing has never been anything my husband has had any interest in reading. That also has been important for me to get down to feeling how much I have looked to him as the parent who I was waiting for validation for before I would give myself my own validation. Everything that comes is what is needed to work through the frozen places that I have numbed to stay away from the pain of being me. James, I am so glad you have kept at your writing all these years and that you don't set yourself up as a guru, but just keep on expressing yourself as you find yourself. Finding your writing has flipped a switch in me called HOPE...that others are here for real with me doing their own work and not expecting or needing anything from me, but to take enough interest in myself to do the same. And to be here with only the desire to express myself, to share the real me and to enjoy the automatic feeling of caring about those who are here showing up as who they really are...God, it just feels so good.
desire2bme, ‘desire’ as Marion and I are now tending to call you, I’ve loved all you’ve written so far. There’s just so much, so many things as I’m reading that I’d like to able to say... tell me more about that, and what about that, and... but then I’m onto the next line and the next... yes I can sure relate to that, gee yes she sees it that way, ah, that helps me...
But then I’ve come to a worry that’s been surfacing in me the more everyone posts, a belief that I have to comment on everyone’s post, and telling them how much I like and love all they are saying (which I truly do) and to please keep going, all so you will feel loved and happy, and will of course, then keep loving and liking me and so will stay as one of my ‘friends’. But the problem I’m now facing, is it might become too much having to write all the time. I’m trying to write less at the moment not more!
So to not respond as much as I’ve felt I SHOULD respond, and to see that you and Wes have kept going these last couple of days, that’s helped me. And with what you’ve said in this post “....that others are here for real with me doing their own work and not expecting or needing anything from me, but to take enough interest in myself to do the same. And to be here with only the desire to express myself, to share the real me and to enjoy the automatic feeling of caring about those who are here showing up as who they really are...”, that helps too, I really like that.
And god if I ever start to become too guruish, please dong me on the head. Please just say whatever you feel. And luckily I’ve got Marion also working on that, because I will admit, I did want to be the Great Teacher especially once ‘I’d found what I wanted to teach’. But that was all my ego’s need to give me the power I didn’t have, all of which you understand, but it’s such a relief to work through such issues and to feel that need for control - over others and myself - dissolving away.
So please feel free to make yourself at home Desire, and it’s like one big experiment - and don’t you feel like God has us all in His experiment? - to see what happens. All rather exciting I’m feeling, never having allowed myself to ever get too excited about anything because of the fear of being told off and punished and that the good thing would be taken away or would just end - all because I wanted it and like it.
And by the way, which you’ve probably read a lot before from my writing, I am a complete mess when it comes to how one should communicate with another person. I have no idea not growing up in a family that all respected each other and encouraged and supported each other to express oneself freely. So this with all of you is helping me deal with yet more of my communication difficulties. And just as I’ve been writing this Marion and I have had two speaking interactions taking apart yet more of my inability to express myself, helping me see yet another controlling ‘Gran’ pattern.
So like everything, and like how I hope you all will, I’m trying to just express and write what I feel, and then see what happens and see how I feel about that. I do find with it all being so complicated, and if it wasn’t for my feeling so bad about it all all the time, life would so enjoyable and a constant source of wonderment understanding all the intricacies involved.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
James wrote: "But then I’ve come to a worry that’s been surfacing in me the more everyone posts, a belief that I have to comment on everyone’s post, and telling them how much I like and love all they are saying"
As I was writing one of my posts the other day, and coming to the end of it, I was thinking of you and this very thing...understanding the old time religion ways of taking on the responsibility of God for others, believing that because you are the one that in the "great experiment" might start or lead something that then it's up to you to keep stirring the pot, keeping it going, making everybody feel "loved and happy." Definitely a lot of residue left surrounding this issue yet left in me, too yet the "cure" to this disease is keeping myself and relationship with God priority, seeing and feeling all of the crap waiting for me to daily process. I had an image of you, James, as I was thinking of this false burden we take up for others (because of our unbelief in God's Love for us all and Their inability to take care of our every need). You were standing upon a very very high ledge and the soil underneath your feet was loosening and disintegrating. The greater the false burdens from taking up responsibility for others became, the more fear and worry you felt as the earth was breaking up under you and ultimately would plunge you down down down to your death at the bottom. As I saw that in my mind, it rang a bell in me of the feeling that I have felt from times of burning out...ultimately wanting to stay in the do-gooder role (feeling safer as a helper, a step above others) rather than doing my soul healing work. There is SO MUCH religious conditioning towards us all becoming "Jesus"...not the Jesus who lived to show us the Way to the Father, but this caricature of Jesus who sacrifices his own life and dies for the world's sins so that everyone can be saved. Well, if one person can do that and all we need do is state our allegiance to Him, that sure helps us leap frog over working through all of our own crap and unfortunately denying us of the relationship with God that develops through calling upon Them as we allow our repressed pain to surface.
All this to say, my time here on the site will ebb and flow...and not because of something anyone here says or doesn't say, but because I am learning that anything that takes me away from listening to what is my feeling child's need right now is, is handing this child over to another secretly wanting them to take care of her. It is the most difficult thing to not abandon this child like I have done most my life, believing it is selfish to not "put others first." But this is what our mothers learned to believe, taking on the unspoken burdens and feelings that their husband's kept repressed along with all the children's because of the family's "no talk, no feel" rules. Then the kids and husband become a reflection of how good a job she is doing in making everybody's life running smoothly...or not. I feel that when women do this (married with families or not) that it sooner or later piles up and becomes so heavy that it becomes a "blessed breakdown" which can lead her back to her own personal abandoned life. The flip side of this is to become the manly-woman that we see who just keeps on getting harder and more abrasive as she tries to prove she can keep taking on what ever anyone wants to dish out to her...ain't nothing gonna crack her, this tough nut that she has become.
In the end, it all is so perfect how everyone's choice actually is leading them toward this track of soul healing even though their life time spent on this planet may not be the place that their soul chooses to begin the actual feeling work. There are so many times that I hear this "Don't touch what another is experiencing thinking it needs anything from you added to it, just let them be...I AM with them whether you have any perception or belief that I am or not. Please burn that stinking Superwoman Savior cape of yours and devote your attention toward how their situation or circumstance is making you feel inside yourself. Do not abandon your own life for the sake of "saving" another."
I so want this truth of living by not forsaking my own life to become my moment by moment lifestyle. I realize that there is so much yet in the way from all of the conditioning from this world and my family that will need to get seen, felt and processed on through me in order for this to ever be my daily reality. May it be so, may I keep to this grindstone of going upstream allowing all of the crud that I am caked with...all of this "carry the world's burdens upon your shoulders"... the room and time to be felt and dealt with.
desire2bme: “You were standing upon a very very high ledge and the soil underneath your feet was loosening and disintegrating. The greater the false burdens from taking up responsibility for others became, the more fear and worry you felt as the earth was breaking up under you and ultimately would plunge you down down down to your death at the bottom.”
desire2bme - a very appropriate picture you had of me, so very true, I’ve been working more on this today in fact, trying to accept that I have fallen and ‘died’, and allowing myself to feel crushed at the bottom under that burden. And to not do, as I was made to do, pretend that I am not crushed, that I am okay, when I’m far from it. I even had to go to the doctor today to get a certificate to say I couldn’t work - not my doing but what the government was asking for, as my lower-back as become so bad I can hardly get around. It’s so sore and feeling wrecked ‘broken’ from all the emotional and psychological damage inflicted upon me, with all that pain coming up and out of my soul into my physical body. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and I am hurting.
But I tell you what, it is just so good being able to say it all, to you all on the forum, to Marion; it constantly keeps astounding me just how once I’ve expressed my misery or despair, or the anger and fear, and when the truth comes, gee I feel so much better within myself. I feel more true, truer to my crushed state, truer to accepting that I wasn’t loved. It’s another weird thing: I feel so much better about feeling so much worse. The worse I feel in my fuckedness, the better I feel. Nothing is how we think it is, that’s for sure.
My healing has been about, as you’ve no doubt read, my stripping away my false picture of myself - that I am okay and can do it and don’t need any help, and that I’m just as capable as mum and dad. But as Marion was saying today, that’s an arrogance, a lie, a deception, because in fact I am the very opposite; and without the humility of being just my wrecked, crushed and useless self, the me that has fallen under the burden of it and didn’t succeed in being able to carry it off, then I am only deluding myself thinking I’m better than I am.
So I’ve been seeing how we’re to become humble in our untruth, which means to just allow ourselves to be the fucked selves that we are - and that’s okay. That to be anything else is wrong, as we’re not that false ‘right’ person, because we’re all so damaged. So our healing is taking us back to fully realising and then allowing ourselves to be, the unloved persons that we are.
So for myself, because I rejected myself and joined the enemy, I’ve not been able to see how in fact it was the enemy who I believed I loved and love me, that didn’t love me and hurt me scarring the core of my being. And I, following their lead, looked outside and away from them blaming everyone else for making me feel bad, the whole world was my enemy, as I now see I wrongly believed.
So I’m homing in on mum and dad; now it’s not the world, not even God, it’s them, they are the culprits, and I am begging and pleading the Mother and Father to help bring up those so deeply buried feelings of feeling so unloved by them. I want to fully feel and know how I felt with them. I’ve got this far, but I want it all now. Like having picked up the scent and feeling it’s close, I am zeroing in on them. And all by allowing myself to feel as shit scared of them as I do feel.
“There is SO MUCH religious conditioning towards us all becoming "Jesus"...not the Jesus who lived to show us the Way to the Father, but this caricature of Jesus who sacrifices his own life and dies for the world's sins so that everyone can be saved.”
I’m currently reading a book by an English Christian woman who got miraculously healed having been in a wheel chair for a number of years. Apparently she was well known, and I’ve only just started the book. But it’s incredible the amount of faith and love these people have in The Lord, and they are so dedicated to Him, and have such incredible experiences, and yet as she’s telling her story, she really was a very neglected and unloved child, her parents too busy trying to bring everyone to Jesus and writing all their books and sermons. So there was all this love for The Lord, but the most important love for their own child, wasn’t there. So what is all that so-called love for God and Jesus really all about? The further I go the more what you said in the quote above is so true, because who is this Jesus person when he is one and the same as God. And then to wake up and realise that I was sacrificed by my parents, they used me for their own gain. And that living against and so sacrificing ourselves, that’s what we’re doing all the time to our true selves, and yet we project that all onto Jesus, and as he is the great one who did it for us, so we don’t have to deal with ourselves doing it to ourselves, each other, our children, just as was done to us. He died in pain, if anything, to say to us, you are as I am - in pain, but far deeper pain than me, I am only suffering physical pain, you are suffering the agony of a soul unloved.
And I feel so sorry for those Superwomen who are so abrasive as you say. I can’t bear them. But what a terrible job and burden they put on themselves. Every summer we get families with young children holidaying in the house along side us. And we hear the mother’s harsh tough voices having to keep everyone in line - so much for having a relaxing stress-free enjoyable holiday. And the constant raised voice yelling at the children, and the children always crying, it’s hell. And then the last family we got, Marion and I was so shocked, we couldn’t believe it, there was genuine laughter and happiness, and we could hear the parents actually speaking respectfully and lovingly with their children and they all getting along so well. We wanted to rush over there and tell them how happy we were to hear happy children for once.
Also Desire, one last thing, it occurred to me today to ask a favour of you: if you wouldn’t mind, could you please briefly summarise how you perceive Divine Love Spirituality. I’m curious to see what you’d say it was about based on your background and understanding of religion, and being more objective than I can be. Thank you.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Post by desire2bme on May 30, 2014 12:29:29 GMT 10
"I feel more true, truer to my crushed state, truer to accepting that I wasn’t loved. It’s another weird thing: I feel so much better about feeling so much worse. The worse I feel in my fuckedness, the better I feel."
My mind loves reading this...it's like an old shoe formed perfectly to the foot...giving the feeling of Ahhhhhhhh, Yes, this is the truth, without anything added to embellish it or anything edited out to make it look or sound or feel more acceptable. It was never safe as a child to just simply sit in the pain without needing to find a way to build some kind of wall to ward off being called names, teased, told "that's enough" now toughen up or get out of my sight. To just sit in the crushed states as adults is STILL NOT a safe place to be in. It must be why, when we are serious, that we find ourselves in a desert of sorts, having few people around us. It has taken being by myself without others who want to fix, counsel or prescribe meds for me to begin to learn to stop tampering with what surfaces as I long for the truth. To allow the time for all of the threads that make up my anti-truth anti-love tapestry to be shown to me one by one - and to not back away or try to mend or re-make it into anything more tolerable - this is the skill I am learning. As you said, "He (Christ) died in pain, if anything, to say to us, you are as I am - in pain, but far deeper pain than me, I am only suffering physical pain, you are suffering the agony of a soul unloved." So why deny it anymore? If the shoe fits, wear it...and the shoe definitely fits me.
This, to me, is our real CROSS to bear...to just hang here and not look for a quick fix or any fix at all (and just feel what seems to be unbearable and unending pain)... as the world/family/friends looks on and calls us laughing stocks, losers, and pitiful miserable wretches. I am useless to them, worthless to them as I allow myself to just feel through all of my anti-love/anti-truth states. No one wants to hear about it or listen or watch when we choose to do nothing to "better ourselves" but to only continue to feel through our repressed feelings. It's not possible to keep on keeping on without developing the ability to ask, ask and ask some more to be truly Loved by Them...while allowing the shit to keep hitting the fan. It is such a reward to feel good about living helpless and needy and dependent upon a Parent who won't look down on me for asking for help constantly.
As Marion says...to play as if we're okay and not feeling crushed, able to do this without help...is living in arrogance.
About your request to briefly summarize how I see DLS coming from own personal background experiences...quite honestly my brain turns to mush right now as I try to find a place to start. The words that came to me in the night recently from the book of Matthew 7:21-23 "Depart from me, I never knew you"...these words struck me in such a different way than when I was in the church. Instead of fear and trepidation of thinking I sure hope I have done enough/been good enough to please my savior so that when I reach heaven I don't hear these awful words, it was this: Of course, it makes such complete sense! Unless I have lived my days inviting and calling upon Jesus/Mary, Mother-Father God for help into my own personal depths of soul to have revealed to me, own up to and feel through all of my own anti-love/anti-truth states, how would we be known to each other? How would They have bonded with me and me with Them unless I have used my will on purpose to open up my life completely to Them desiring to KNOW the whole truth about my life and to receive Their Divine Love? There is no questioning or wondering anymore to the one who has found themselves deperate helpless and needy reaching out and opening up to Them while drowning in the earthly muck of not being/feeling loved. "Of course I know you, how very well, I know you." This relationship, to me, is DLS.
Ha Ha, I like that desire2bme, how thinking about DLS makes you feel - "my brain turns to mush", that's about what happens to my brain when I think about it. I pity people who come across it - what it might do to their brains. I'd better put a warning: DANGEROUS SITE FOR THE MIND, on the home page. I used to have it all in my mind, but my poor old mind has taken such a battering, it no longer holds anything in it. I have to strain to think back over what I've written about DLS. I read stuff I wrote a few years ago and think: Did I write this? Doing your healing is sure not good for the old mind, it having to relinquish its control. Jesus says in the Padgett Messages that we become born anew - and I'd add, once we've finished our healing, so I hope I get a new mind! Don't fancy wearing nappies though... oh all right, I better not be silly, people might take me seriously and think we have to be reincarnated or something all over again. Born anew - of true personality expression, not literally as a baby all over again. See what happens - you end up talking to yourself. Mind you, that's what I've always done so Marion keeps helping me see, as no one in our family actually listened seriously to each other - at least they didn't listen to me. So I'm good at writing and talking into empty space. Or at least I thought I used to be. Marion is a killer of everything, I can't get away with any of my false beliefs - so I'd better amend that to: I used to believe I was good at talking to the walls, but as it's turning out, just to completely smash my ego to bits, I wasn't actually very good at talking to the walls, even they got bored with all I said.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!