I will follow the Feeling Child into the Truth

Hi Wesley,
No, I am from the United States living in the midwest. Yes, I agree with you about James...his way of staying true to his emotions no matter what they look or sound like blows me away and his ability to translate spiritual truth into our everyday living situations astounds me. Do you hear us raving James and Marion?! I sense that as others are drawn here and share their own unique ways of learning we all are going to feel the burner turned up in our lives. Having the support of each other without feeling like someone is going to stab you in the back when you just lay what's going on out there just as it is, is not something I've ever been a part of before, yet James has led the way here with his writings. What a beautiful foundation he has laid for those finding ourselves being led here.

I also have gained much from James as he has been so honest in writing about his addictions. My ability to accept myself and my husband in our current addictions...understanding the need to self soothe because of what is still unfelt and needing to be felt and expressed out of us...I feel shifts inside as a result. The harsh judgments I used to have don't have any place anymore when I realize I can just keep using the addiction situations as a place to converse with the part of me that isn't yet ready to feel what ever it has experienced with compassion. I feel I have more room to just allow it to be without needing to hide or try with my mind to make myself stop.

I am so glad to hear of your effects that you are seeing in your life from your emotional processing work. I have been reading the writings here for about 3 months or so and have also felt more progression. I don't feel so alone anymore. Are you from the USA Wesley? Yes, I will share more of my writing...thanks for encouraging it. So glad to be here with you and thank you for asking questions and sharing what you are learning. Same goes to you too, Samantha!

Boo hoo hoo, you’ve all made me cry with all the nice things you’ve said. It’s too much. Mum and dad never said nice things to me about what I did, as you have all done. They said I had nice curly hair, and it was good being tall, and I was good not being a bother to them; that I was needed by Gran because I did what she wanted and ate all the scrambled eggs she cooked for me. They only praised me, so I’ve been coming to understand more fully lately, because I did what they wanted. They didn’t like and love me for just being ME. And I’ve avoided this truth for so long, deceiving myself by believing their lies that they did love me and did need me.

I’ve had my websites and books available for some years now. Periodically I would ask for any comments on my work, as no one ever got in touch with me. Once a Danish woman said I should publish my first Bad Feelings are Good healing book, and another woman came to my first forum I started saying she was so happy I was providing it, yet she helped me see I wasn’t ready to do that at the time, so unfortunately I had to reject her and stop it.

Then a man pointed out one of my free books had an incorrect link and said he’d gained so much from my writing and thanked me for it.

And having so few people comment or show any interest over the years brought up endless amounts of: Why am I writing, why am I doing it all, what do I want out of it, why do I bother, am I doing it for myself or only for other people, and all because I believe I should do it for them, all of which Marion and I have gone over and over, all giving rise to more truth and more realisations as to how I so desperately need love and all the ways I’m trying to get it. Trying to get the same false love and praise I got from my parents.

Then suddenly Wes contacted me saying how much help he was getting from it all, he was so enthusiastic about it. And because of him I decided to have another proper go at a forum as I wanted to also bring together DLS and CR under one roof. And I hoped that possibly others might be interested and want to join in. And then Samantha came and now you desire2bme.

And now you are all saying such nice things to me, and telling me how much you love what I’ve done, and even like ME; and how much you all accept Marion so willingly too, even though she’s not directly involved in a public sense. And so you’ve all helped me to feel so happy, and that unlike my false love from my parents that was all just for them, you, strangers, do like me and all I am doing.

And I am so grateful to you all for coming and posting what you do. I feel privileged to say the least, you all saying such incredibly moving things about yourselves and all you’ve been through and are going through. So much of which stirs up so much more in myself to work through. I have dreamed ever since I first started writing of being with people who are all striving as hard as they can to live true to themselves and do their healing and live spiritually how I believe and feel is the right way to live. To be able to read what you’re going through, so see what truth you uncover, and see the differences of how we all do our healing - I tell you, it’s beginning to feel like a dream come true!

So thank you all for putting in the time. I know how much effort it takes to write it all and to read each others posts; and it’s such a pleasure getting to you know you all. And thank you for being yourselves - that’s the best part.

desire2bme, ‘desire’ as Marion and I are now tending to call you, I’ve loved all you’ve written so far. There’s just so much, so many things as I’m reading that I’d like to able to say... tell me more about that, and what about that, and... but then I’m onto the next line and the next... yes I can sure relate to that, gee yes she sees it that way, ah, that helps me...

But then I’ve come to a worry that’s been surfacing in me the more everyone posts, a belief that I have to comment on everyone’s post, and telling them how much I like and love all they are saying (which I truly do) and to please keep going, all so you will feel loved and happy, and will of course, then keep loving and liking me and so will stay as one of my ‘friends’. But the problem I’m now facing, is it might become too much having to write all the time. I’m trying to write less at the moment not more!

So to not respond as much as I’ve felt I SHOULD respond, and to see that you and Wes have kept going these last couple of days, that’s helped me. And with what you’ve said in this post “....that others are here for real with me doing their own work and not expecting or needing anything from me, but to take enough interest in myself to do the same.  And to be here with only the desire to express myself, to share the real me and to enjoy the automatic feeling of caring about those who are here showing up as who they really are...”, that helps too, I really like that.

And god if I ever start to become too guruish, please dong me on the head. Please just say whatever you feel. And luckily I’ve got Marion also working on that, because I will admit, I did want to be the Great Teacher especially once ‘I’d found what I wanted to teach’. But that was all my ego’s need to give me the power I didn’t have, all of which you understand, but it’s such a relief to work through such issues and to feel that need for control - over others and myself - dissolving away.

So please feel free to make yourself at home Desire, and it’s like one big experiment - and don’t you feel like God has us all in His experiment? - to see what happens. All rather exciting I’m feeling, never having allowed myself to ever get too excited about anything because of the fear of being told off and punished and that the good thing would be taken away or would just end - all because I wanted it and like it.

And by the way, which you’ve probably read a lot before from my writing, I am a complete mess when it comes to how one should communicate with another person. I have no idea not growing up in a family that all respected each other and encouraged and supported each other to express oneself freely. So this with all of you is helping me deal with yet more of my communication difficulties. And just as I’ve been writing this Marion and I have had two speaking interactions taking apart yet more of my inability to express myself, helping me see yet another controlling ‘Gran’ pattern.

So like everything, and like how I hope you all will, I’m trying to just express and write what I feel, and then see what happens and see how I feel about that. I do find with it all being so complicated, and if it wasn’t for my feeling so bad about it all all the time, life would so enjoyable and a constant source of wonderment understanding all the intricacies involved.

desire2bme: “You were standing upon a very very high ledge and the soil underneath your feet was loosening and disintegrating.  The greater the false burdens from taking up responsibility for others became, the more fear and worry you felt as the earth was breaking up under you and ultimately would plunge you down down down  to your death at the bottom.”

desire2bme - a very appropriate picture you had of me, so very true, I’ve been working more on this today in fact, trying to accept that I have fallen and ‘died’, and allowing myself to feel crushed at the bottom under that burden. And to not do, as I was made to do, pretend that I am not crushed, that I am okay, when I’m far from it. I even had to go to the doctor today to get a certificate to say I couldn’t work - not my doing but what the government was asking for, as my lower-back as become so bad I can hardly get around. It’s so sore and feeling wrecked ‘broken’ from all the emotional and psychological damage inflicted upon me, with all that pain coming up and out of my soul into my physical body. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and I am hurting.

But I tell you what, it is just so good being able to say it all, to you all on the forum, to Marion; it constantly keeps astounding me just how once I’ve expressed my misery or despair, or the anger and fear, and when the truth comes, gee I feel so much better within myself. I feel more true, truer to my crushed state, truer to accepting that I wasn’t loved. It’s another weird thing: I feel so much better about feeling so much worse. The worse I feel in my fuckedness, the better I feel. Nothing is how we think it is, that’s for sure.

My healing has been about, as you’ve no doubt read, my stripping away my false picture of myself - that I am okay and can do it and don’t need any help, and that I’m just as capable as mum and dad. But as Marion was saying today, that’s an arrogance, a lie, a deception, because in fact I am the very opposite; and without the humility of being just my wrecked, crushed and useless self, the me that has fallen under the burden of it and didn’t succeed in being able to carry it off, then I am only deluding myself thinking I’m better than I am.

So I’ve been seeing how we’re to become humble in our untruth, which means to just allow ourselves to be the fucked selves that we are - and that’s okay. That to be anything else is wrong, as we’re not that false ‘right’ person, because we’re all so damaged. So our healing is taking us back to fully realising and then allowing ourselves to be, the unloved persons that we are.

So for myself, because I rejected myself and joined the enemy, I’ve not been able to see how in fact it was the enemy who I believed I loved and love me, that didn’t love me and hurt me scarring the core of my being. And I, following their lead, looked outside and away from them blaming everyone else for making me feel bad, the whole world was my enemy, as I now see I wrongly believed.

So I’m homing in on mum and dad; now it’s not the world, not even God, it’s them, they are the culprits, and I am begging and pleading the Mother and Father to help bring up those so deeply buried feelings of feeling so unloved by them. I want to fully feel and know how I felt with them. I’ve got this far, but I want it all now. Like having picked up the scent and feeling it’s close, I am zeroing in on them. And all by allowing myself to feel as shit scared of them as I do feel.


“There is SO MUCH religious conditioning towards us all becoming "Jesus"...not the Jesus who lived to show us the Way to the Father, but this caricature of  Jesus who sacrifices his own life and dies for the world's sins so that everyone can be saved.”

I’m currently reading a book by an English Christian woman who got miraculously healed having been in a wheel chair for a number of years. Apparently she was well known, and I’ve only just started the book. But it’s incredible the amount of faith and love these people have in The Lord, and they are so dedicated to Him, and have such incredible experiences, and yet as she’s telling her story, she really was a very neglected and unloved child, her parents too busy trying to bring everyone to Jesus and writing all their books and sermons. So there was all this love for The Lord, but the most important love for their own child, wasn’t there. So what is all that so-called love for God and Jesus really all about? The further I go the more what you said in the quote above is so true, because who is this Jesus person when he is one and the same as God. And then to wake up and realise that I was sacrificed by my parents, they used me for their own gain. And that living against and so sacrificing ourselves, that’s what we’re doing all the time to our true selves, and yet we project that all onto Jesus, and as he is the great one who did it for us, so we don’t have to deal with ourselves doing it to ourselves, each other, our children, just as was done to us. He died in pain, if anything, to say to us, you are as I am - in pain, but far deeper pain than me, I am only suffering physical pain, you are suffering the agony of a soul unloved.

And I feel so sorry for those Superwomen who are so abrasive as you say. I can’t bear them. But what a terrible job and burden they put on themselves. Every summer we get families with young children holidaying in the house along side us. And we hear the mother’s harsh tough voices having to keep everyone in line - so much for having a relaxing stress-free enjoyable holiday. And the constant raised voice yelling at the children, and the children always crying, it’s hell. And then the last family we got, Marion and I was so shocked, we couldn’t believe it, there was genuine laughter and happiness, and we could hear the parents actually speaking respectfully and lovingly with their children and they all getting along so well. We wanted to rush over there and tell them how happy we were to hear happy children for once.


Also Desire, one last thing, it occurred to me today to ask a favour of you: if you wouldn’t mind, could you please briefly summarise how you perceive Divine Love Spirituality. I’m curious to see what you’d say it was about based on your background and understanding of religion, and being more objective than I can be. Thank you.

Ha Ha, I like that desire2bme, how thinking about DLS makes you feel - "my brain turns to mush", that's about what happens to my brain when I think about it.  I pity people who come across it - what it might do to their brains. I'd better put a warning: DANGEROUS SITE FOR THE MIND, on the home page.  I used to have it all in my mind, but my poor old mind has taken such a battering, it no longer holds anything in it.  I have to strain to think back over what I've written about DLS.  I read stuff I wrote a few years ago and think: Did I write this?  Doing your healing is sure not good for the old mind, it having to relinquish its control.  Jesus says in the Padgett Messages that we become born anew - and I'd add, once we've finished our healing, so I hope I get a new mind! Don't fancy wearing nappies though... oh all right, I better not be silly, people might take me seriously and think we have to be reincarnated or something all over again.  Born anew - of true personality expression, not literally as a baby all over again. See what happens - you end up talking to yourself.  Mind you, that's what I've always done so Marion keeps helping me see, as no one in our family actually listened seriously to each other - at least they didn't listen to me.  So I'm good at writing and talking into empty space.  Or at least I thought I used to be.  Marion is a killer of everything, I can't get away with any of my false beliefs - so I'd better amend that to: I used to believe I was good at talking to the walls, but as it's turning out, just to completely smash my ego to bits, I wasn't actually very good at talking to the walls, even they got bored with all I said.