Hello James, Marion, Desire and Wesley. Loss and Greif opens up the doorway for us to see just how much Loss and Greif we have denied throughout our lives. I was writing about it today and it opened it all up within me how a major event such as death, brings with it a gift for us to look at all the aspects of loss throughout our lives and when we stop and work back through it all, it is every where but all denied and pushed into a dark depth within us. For my self grief has been the big one, the one emotion that I didn't want to bring to light, the one that I have denied and covered over in the past with a feeling of "rise above it Sam", "don't feel it Sam", "Ignore it and it will go away", "Don't let your self go into the depth of your loss Sam, you may never come out", these type of feelings and thoughts, all denial. I discovered that I have been grieving all my life, the sadness I have felt is called grief and every time we had a pet that died I would become overwhelmed with grief and hide away so I wouldn't look silly in front of everyone, humiliation and weakness, I even remember when my Nan died, I felt nothing and my Mum told me I was the hardest person she knew yet they had taught me to be that way, to cover it all up, and that is why I have been hiding away and not getting involved in Your grief through the death of Sarah. I have been hiding away and still avoiding the fear of the feelings I will experience if I get involved in your pain, I might never get out of my own, still denial and not wanting to feel, still saying "don't uncover it all Sam". I gained so much from the openness and truth you have expressed when talking about your loss, all of you. It took me back to remembering my sons hamster that died and I was sitting in the vets with it in uncontrollable sobbing and my husband could not believe how uncontrollable I was, nor could I, but I now know it was an accumulation of all my grief expressing its self with that one event. The major grief that has never left my side is the grief of knowing that my true self was never good enough for my parents so I had to say goodbye to it and bury it and I think this is the grief we all carry with us and the reason for healing. Its a huge pain, knowing that the truth of who you are isn't good enough, its a black cloud of grief hanging over you as a rejected child, and knowing that the false you is the one that is loved, the you they have created but the you created by God has been rejected so I have learnt my parents must know better than God then because they have rejected his child so I would never have a relationship with my true parents, My Mother and Father because what they created has been denied and replaced. I can really feel the grief of that right now, wow, such a pain to be kept away from My true Parents by my surrogates as I now think of them. Through what you have all shared about Loss I feel that every event of grief has just added another layer on top of the permanent grief I have carried with me, if that makes sense, I became desensitised to it so have not fully felt the depth of my pain, even with the death of Harry, my husband, you would think that would bring every bit of it up but I now that their was a level I could not go to which angered me that I could not fully get it all up and out and my Mothers words came back to me about being "so hard". I was grieving terribly but was frustrated because I could only go so far. I am going to have to stop there because this is the perfect time to go into it, the time feels right and I am in the energy and I feel nearly their because I have just asked my Mother and Father to help me and I am being answered as we speak. x
Grieving. My healing has been one long grieve, along with one long misery, fear, anger, resentment and feeling so unloved.
Marion’s parents died before we met. At her mother’s funeral she sobbed stricken with grief, with those attending the funeral telling her they felt so sorry for her as she was obviously feeling so sad about the loss of mother, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. She was so happy her mother had died; she was grieving for herself being so badly treated by her mother for all those terrible years, feeling so hated by her, feeling so unwanted and unloved.
This morning I grieved more for what I didn’t get. In speaking with Marion it suddenly occurred to me, something I’ve briefly touched but not actually fully focused on, that dad (and neither did mum for that matter) never sat with us as a family watching television. We never sat as a family in the lounge room speaking about things, eating, doing things, watching the tv or listening to music. I don’t remember dad ever sitting in any of the lounge chairs or couches. There was never such as thing as ‘that’s dad’s chair’. He was always standing, and often in his suit and tie, but never relaxing with us. He sat with us at the dinning table but only for a short period in my memory at the ‘bridge house’ before the divorce, forcing us to eat our over cooked vegetables and burnt chops. And he never sat with us in the lounges where we ate as we got older having to stay at his places with his new girlfriends and then new wife. We’d sit eating on our laps on the couches and he’d sit on a stool behind the kitchen bench opening onto the lounge. Marion’s family all sat together watching the footy or Disneyland or whatever, even though she never enjoyed being with her parents, they never making it nice to be with them. But at least they were a ‘family’ in the lounge together. Then I remembered how fussy his mother was, never allowing us to sit on her couches and chairs unless we were spotlessly clean, and putting ones feet up on the couch would have been an unpardonable sin, it just never happened. So perhaps he was too afraid to sit and relax, never having done it, never experiencing such a family thing either. And then none of us kids had our own rooms in which we could do whatever we liked. I had my own bedroom, but in the houses we lived in, each of us three kids had rooms without closable doors as one needed to walk through them to get to other parts of the house, they all being in a row. I can’t remember if I ever wanted it back then, but now having done so much work on myself I am grieving for not having a room of my own, somewhere in which I could have freely expressed my individuality and without parental interference. We never could leave anything lying around it all got tidied up, I couldn’t have a bedroom like a bomb had gone off in it, like I’ve seen and read that so many other children had. And I grieve every day for not being allowed to freely express myself - all my feelings. The more feeling-retarded I understand I am and how it all came about, I grieve and grieve for all I missed out on - something of a normal life. And then to think that on top of such loss I believed that I was well loved and had a good normal upbringing. Talk about being turned away from and against yourself and your own true feelings.
Desire you said you wanted to cry, feeling you have oceans of tears trapped inside you. I have too, along with oceans of grief, volcanos of anger, mires of endless misery, masses of fear, all just too much, too many repressed bad feelings and I wonder how will they all ever come up and be expressed. Marion and I talk about it often now, still after all these years we feel we’ve both got so much still repressed in us, but how will it ever come up? The Mother and Father keep telling me it’s not about it all coming up but rather seeing all the truth such feelings are there to show me, and when I’ve seen all They want me to see about my unloved state, then there will no longer be such feelings, but I don’t know. And so if that’s right, how much truth is there to see?
"I can really feel the grief of that right now, wow, such a pain to be kept away from My true Parents by my surrogates as I now think of them." Hi Sam: 'surrogates', that makes me smile - first one for the day. And I'm at the end of my day - thank you!
Sam, what you have shared about death being the key that opens up the Pandora's Box of lifetime griefs beautifully and accurately describes my experience with Sarah's death...and to feel that truth on the day of her death as I went through it with her enabled me to give myself complete permission to wail and moan and cry to the depths that asked to be released. Having done that, I have a glimmer of a new understanding of the breadth, heights and depths of griefs that wait to be dislodged (Just as you said James) as I tried to fathom who would I have become if I had tried to keep all of that grief for the loss of Sarah inside?
What became somewhat of a revelation as I unashamedly allowed the grief, was how being taught by example to not feel/express emotions created such a deep fear of feeling my emotions (being punished, told to go away until I was done crying, being made fun of for showing anything but a deadpan face). What would happen? And as you say Sam, we believe it would be something we could never come back from. I think about how I must have looked and sounded as I cried over Sarah's dead body and had I been in another time and place, there are women who have been "put away" and had electric currents blasted through their brains to bring them back to being what was deemed acceptable, keeping them in their proper place: Living like fucking ZOMBIES!!!
Sam, being you were unable to move into the conversation earlier on, I was brought to feel the lack of sisterhood I had growing up with sisters all around me. Telling them the news of Sarah's death, what comes with their condolences are the subtle ways of trying to make my grief stop mostly coming with the tune of "Just remember she will always live in your heart." and "Keep focused on all of your good memories you had with her." I will never be with a grieving person the same way again, knowing the blessing of having a great loss bringing the opportunity to unlock and thaw out repressed griefs that are also ready to be expressed, should the person be willing and ready to allow it. I believe there is such great power in being simply present with another while in their time of mourning, not needing to say a word, but all the while exuding a tone within our presence that is saying how good, right, healthy and profitable to all mankind it is to ALLOW the flow of true sincere tears of grief. This is the place I sit with you, Sam, right now...as I feel from all you shared that sense of sisterhood that I was so missing.
Having gone through the watershed of tears, on this side of it I feel a new resoluteness within me...a place has been established that comes with the word "unwavering." The fears I had of feeling any emotion asking to surface and be expressed has had this experience to prove to it what beauty and soft vulnerability arises from lying within the ashes of grief. Another thing I notice within me is the desire for no bullshit within my own life - no desire to soften the sharp edges of truth that come to split me open as often as is necessary and as much as I can handle at a time. A no nonsense girl...with strength coming from living through the experience of truth instead of the kind of pseudo power felt when one has gained intellectual knowledge about a subject...this also is what I feel has come to be.
Through asking my husband questions about his own emotional process, we had some fireworks as he fought me to tell me he was sick and tired of me and all of my thinking everything has to relate back to childhood shit etc. He went into..."I don't have to share with you , you're trying to control me" as he marched into his office and slammed the door. I was able to feel the simultaneous pain of my own many many many abandonments as he did this, along with having the ability to see through his words to me...them being the words his mother never heard from him. This great art of being in the middle place of where we are both working through old pain, but being able to even go deeper in my own because I don't have to try to "fix" the current conflict that is so beautifully bringing all of our repressed crap up, is the stuff that creates an authentic Masterpiece. I don't have to waste my energy on worrying about the misunderstanding knowing it is the perfect gift that is taking the current knot in our many-knotted ball of yarn and teasing the knot out as I stay true to my own emotional process. And this wonderful display in quite a short time took us to a whole other level, up a notch of desiring more to engage in our soul work as it overlaps, in his coming to ask me what is happening as we go through these things. There's a lot I did not share here from this scenario of my own needing to follow my own feelings through that happened - that was the very key to being able to really give our marriage rug a good shaking up. I was pressed to tell him in a very no nonsense way what I was here for in our relationship and that if he didn't want a woman who was going to require him to stop blaming me for every time he feels controlled and manipulated and instead begin to allow his feelings to point him back to his own childhood shit, then he didn't have to choose to be with me. It was a flushing out of him having any doubt about who I am and him having my complete permission without any judgment of what he would decide about coming with me or not. He became the portrait of what I have heard from you, James and Wes...telling me there is so much he doesn't know how to do regarding all of this learning how to feel business. His expressing this out loud is brand new honesty ground for him and my expressing out who I see myself to be in regards to why I am in a marriage relationship with him was very precise foundation stone I was laying as he decided he did want to come along, allying with my desire to use our relationship as a healing crucible.
The legacy of Sarah takes me to the ground once more - so grateful for the wisdom of Mother-Father God for her gift to us both.
James, thank you so much for relaying all the work opening up to you surrounding your father and the feelings you are beginning to consider from the lack of privacy you lived within your family. And for sharing the real story of what Marion's tears were about at her mother's funeral while those who surrounded her more than likely saw a bereaved daughter distraught from losing her "beloved" mother. You wrote: "The Mother and Father keep telling me it’s not about it all coming up but rather seeing all the truth such feelings are there to show me, and when I’ve seen all They want me to see about my unloved state, then there will no longer be such feelings." I think that there is no nutshell explanation that I am able to understand yet at this point about the specifics of how we actually will touch on all of our repressed pain which feels endless. I do so desire to know and understand with more clarity how this season of our lives is really all working...as you heard it said James, it's not about it all coming up, but in really getting it through my head my completely unloved state. So whatever it takes for that to be imprinted deep deep deep beyond any possibility of ever forgetting it, is The Way for me. I see why the only way to "getting it" is to have these very specific personal relationship encounters to be felt all the way to the bone and grieved.
Hello Desire, I had a big insight today into this aspect of myself that I relate to in your husband. Of course I don’t know if the same applies to him, but how you said he was with you, helped me to look more into it within myself.
I realised that as much as I want to heal myself, I resist this, this being what I’ve said before. But today I could feel part of my resistance is the dread - so I believe - that as I embrace, and so go back into, my bad feelings that surface, that as they are all to do with me as a young child and mostly concerning being with mum, I wrongly believe, or unconsciously believe, that I am having to go back and be with her all over again. As if I have to go back and being the little boy, back with her feeling as bad as I did all over again. So I want to fight and yell and scream: No, don’t make me, I don’t want to be with her!
Then on another reality I also understand that really I’ve never left her, so I am still that little boy under her spell and feeling so bad and unloved by her. Then on another reality I am me now, 53 years old and not with her, that I have left her. But this reality, bizarre as it may seem, is actually the less strong of them all, with all my fears still up and real in me because I have not and never will leave her. She said I will never leave her in all sorts of ways and even directly to me, that it doesn’t matter what happens and where I might go and who I might be with, as I will never get away from her because she will always be my mother. And fuck that makes me want to scream and rage, as I feel I’m just on a long leash always fearing the day will come when she hauls me back in and that will be the end of my so-called freedom. But of course in that other reality, I’ve never been free, I’ve always felt bound to her.
And then I saw that I prided myself and gained huge power and kudos and feelings of being superior to my family and then the whole world, because I was the only one who could be with Rose, no one else could stand her for very long if they were to be honest with themselves. And they told me I was good, the best - dad, Gran my brother and sister; that I was the Great One who could be with her all the time, weather all her tirades, and even be a calming influence on her. I was the appeaser just by being there, taking or deflecting the heat from them. So they could all come and go as they pleased not having to take that much notice of her. They could all run away all so long as I stayed. And I bought into it. I tuned myself inside out believing that I so loved her and that she couldn’t be without me, so putting guilt trips on myself if I rebelled and thought I wanted out. And even though I tried to run away to London, I couldn’t do it and had to come back. Then I tried to run away with Marion, but still I fear Marion will die and I’ll have to go back and be with mum. I’ll never get away. That I will never really escape; so please don’t bring up all those terrible bad feelings I’ve done all I can to hide because then it reminds me what I’m in for, and I don’t want to know about it. I want to be left alone, just for a little longer, so I can persist in my delusion and fantasy that I have left her and I am free of her.
But today having talked it through yet again, this time around I can feel I have changed, and that no, I will never go back, no one can make me anymore, that hey, I am not that four year-old anymore! She has no further power over me. I am still scared within her power legacy, but if she rang up and said she needed me, tough shit, no way I’m going back. And even if I was somehow dragged back then I’d keep standing up to her saying no, I’m no longer going to play my role, fuck you, it’s all about me now and I feel about you and your treatment of me. And I will wait until she doesn’t want me there anymore, realising I am no longer her ‘son’, and reject me, so breaking the spell once and for all. But as that is unlikely to happen, so I am breaking it within myself as I struggle along in my healing battling my resistance to it, which is my resistance to her.
And slowly over the years as I’ve written, and even more so today, it’s so sad to realise that out of all the people in the world, the one whom I’m the most scared of, the one whom I hate to be with the most, is the very person I deceived myself into believing, by closing down all those feelings that were telling me otherwise, that she was the only person I wanted to be with, the only person I needed, the only person I really loved. She: my own fucking mother. Oh fuck what a shit the whole fucking nightmare is. And probably I’ll never be truly free of her and the rest of them until my healing finishes. It is what our healing is: finally being free of our parents and family, of the evilness that they are, the evilness they made us become.
So I do want to do my healing, of course I do, but I also don’t want to do it, I don’t want to be forced to go back into those feelings because then come those dreadful memories, and then for all intents and purposes I’ll feel like I’ve never left, I’ve never grown up, I’m still that pathetic powerless stupid little boy. AND I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT. But then around I go again in the endless loop, and as Marion says: but you are that boy, you’ve never actually escaped, you’ve only deluded yourself that you have. So how does that make you feel?
SCEAAMMMMM!!!! Is there no escape!
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
James writes: "I wrongly believe, or unconsciously believe, that I am having to go back and be with her all over again. As if I have to go back and being the little boy, back with her feeling as bad as I did all over again. So I want to fight and yell and scream: No, don’t make me, I don’t want to be with her!"
GO FOR IT JAMES!! You say you "want to" fight and yell and scream...I want to be able to hear you from my house when I stand outside on the deck! I believe the reason we keep these expressions trapped within us is because our little child's beliefs still say: It is the ultimate sin, the most terrible pain we could create in another to wage war against our "mothers." It is the mother (female) taboo...the ones who live in that role with us as mothers have the "power" to bring us into this world and so the child knows with all his/her little heart that you don't cross that power by exercising your will in opposition to her. If she brought you in, she can take you out!!! So ya better damn well be grateful toward her instead of being all fucking petty about your big baby wounds that you want to make a mountain out of. Suck it fucking up and shut up...if you want to stay alive.
It's one thing to talk intellectually about the imperfections of our parents on our adult levels of being 53 or whatever years old and a whole other thing to allow our little child's heart and will to be completely permitted to go against what females represent...the monster controllers and manipulators of the earth. What little kid could ever stand up against those terminator bitches?!
The kind of rage and contempt I see in my husband's eyes when he begins to feel his repressed inner female terminator trying to surface is perfect. He has had to live passive aggressively all of his life with women who begin to cross the line with him bringing up this fucking controlling manipulating mother shit. A woman who can not see through her husband's eyes that want to murder her, will say her husband is not respecting her and makes a case to leave him...divorce him...abandon him. It's what every woman he will encounter will end up doing as he finds himself needing to keep setting up over and over and over again his original abandonments.
And it's not just the men who need to do this with our "mothers." And I believe it is even more difficult for women to do this to their very own "kind" ( a fellow suffering sister/female). It feels like it is like committing our own suicide to completely let it all fly up, out and against our own mothers. Without the truth of what Mary M. has to bring us, we are stuck with this lack of permission we give ourselves to FIGHT, YELL, and SCREAM until it ALL is unearth out of us.
So, I am on board the "Don't make me, leave me the fuck alone you over-bearing "self-sacrificing" mother!" train. CHUGGA CHUGGA CHOO CHOO!!!!!
GO FOR IT JAMES!! You say you "want to" fight and yell and scream...I want to be able to hear you from my house when I stand outside on the deck!
Thank you Desire, that makes me feel good, encouraging me to scream all the louder. However I'll have to put that on hold for another day, for today I am crying… crying, crying, crying inside. I can feel the crying I never cried, being the boy/man who doesn't cry, and all that shit. So if you wouldn't mind, can I come and be on your decking with you feeling miserable, crying and with my headache? I'm crying out some of my self-hate, more of which I've finally been able to start accepting and fully acknowledge these past couple of days. My bullshit 'there's nothing wrong with me, I love myself' beliefs are finally giving way. And oh boy have they been stubborn refusing to let go over all these years.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I found your post thrilling Desire, to hear a woman to say such things about other women. In a way I've always felt it's not my place to say such things, it all needs to be thrashed out woman to woman. If I dared to say 'to go against what females represent...the monster controllers and manipulators of the earth. What little kid could ever stand up against those terminator bitches?!', what women would listen to me, I'd be slapped with one of those anti-women labels. However I've said such things to Marion about the women controllers in my life, and you're so right, me as a little kid, so my healing keeps showing more every day, stood no chance, and the men were useless not interfering and so overshadowing and keeping and encouraging the women to go for it.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I want to share a couple things I discovered regarding what it took for me to really go into the depths of my loss and deep despair and sorrow of losing my loyal feline companion. Being I was alone with her as she was passing through the morning hours, I did not have to use any bit of my energy to be engaged with anyone around me. Had my husband been home, he would have been doing what he needed with his own way of grieving and if I am honest, his presence in the house would have removed me from staying connected fully into myself and each moment I had with Sarah. As it happened, Sarah passed away at 12:30 and my husband came home from work early about an hour after her death. He found me grieving over her dead body asking if there was anything he could do to help me and finding that I had what I needed, he went to go get our other cat to include her on what was happening. "She needs to be a part of all that's going on." he said. He sat and watched me cry and because I was already committed with saying YES with allowing it all to keep on flooding through me, his presence coming in at the point did not move me from staying completely with it. We talked later about how when we have been involved in going to any funerals that we never allowed ourselves to feel how we were feeling because of how much care taking and covering up there is that goes on to keep everyone away from feeling what is true and honest. After realizing how much I am still affected by my husband's presence who is getting used to me just going through what's on the surface emotionally day by day, it helped me understand even more how when I was growing up in a house full of people that I had no room to feel my own feelings, no ability to sort through what was mine and what was my brothers, sisters or parent's emotion. Each day I was feeling invaded by what everyone around me was not willing to feel and was bathed in it. No wonder shopping malls still bring the similar feeling of being bombarded.
Another thing I found was that in order to grieve her loss, I could not allow the mind's way of coming in to say stuff like..."well, ya know her body was old, it was her time to go blah, blah, blah, you had so many good years together so you should feel fortunate, etc. etc." NONE of that was invited in to my big cry that just wanted to say, "I just lost my best friend. She's gone. I don't have anything to live for anymore. I want to die. What's the point of going on." In order to feel the complete abandonment I was feeling, none of the mental ideas that were also true could coincide with the fact that SHE'S GONE! And after I had my major wailing go on for a couple of days and wailed my heart out for the loss of her, THEN I began thinking how difficult it had become for her to do what she needed to do from day to day in the last couple weeks she was alive and how very fortunate I was to have had a cat like her. And bringing this alongside when specific scenes or feelings come up with childhood repressed emotion, I believe that in order to really let myself have my true untampered with feelings...whether it's murderous rage, jealousy, sadness or whatever...that the thoughts that want to ride along with me that say, "but what about the time they did this for you, given 'em a break will ya, nobody's perfect." There can be no place to have them coinciding with the emotion that is asking to take center stage. If I need to feel rage toward them, if I want to fully feel it, I can not sit and entertain times that want to tell me it wasn't always like this or that. And I would have to say, that this is what happens naturally when I just simply allow and permit what is on the surface asking to be felt...I just never thought about how singularly focused I had learned to become in allowing the depths of each emotion to be felt all the way without the mental noise of "but, but, but...".
Emotions get a bad rap because they are so mind-boggling to the intellect. Especially those repressed emotions that we had to disconnect from from womb to 6 years old when we don't have our reasoning/rational part of our brain that can hold two things at the same time working yet for us. How important it is - if we really want to reconnect fully into what is asking to surface from these years - to not entertain the "adult ways" of tampering with the full on desire to live dead center in one emotion as it comes asking for our permission to have at it...expressing it to the fullest extent in it's raw purity.
Today I still feel somewhat jet-lagged from allowing the grief to have it's way with me from Sarah's death. I am just really taking care of myself, relaxing, doing a little gardening, sitting outside in nature. I got a massage today and my body has come even more awake to places it is aching...the tendency is to feel good while she is giving me the massage and then the after effect is the feeling of her having opened up another level of feeling physically and emotionally. I stopped into an antique shop I'd never been in before, looking for an urn to put Sarah's ashes in and the 80 old woman who runs the shop was talking to me about her childhood repressed emotions minutes after her first question to me opened up and led her to spill out why she has never felt comfortable getting a massage. She invited me to come by another time when we could spend more time sharing together saying she had never been able to find another who she could really talk about these kinds of things with. It was an answer to a prayer I prayed...I want to stay close to my feeling heart, where Sarah has brought me and however best I can continue to do that, this is where I want to stay...with myself and with others who are just waiting to know they are not alone in their own soul work. One thing I did notice after spending about an hour with this woman at her shop was how I got home and felt wiped out. What she came in contact with within herself was pretty potent and I am not sure what this is about...this feeling drained part that came about for me after coming away from being with her. It will be interesting to keep asking about it and then see how when we meet again what I experience.
Beautiful Desire, that’s exactly what it’s all about so far as what Marion has always done and encouraged me to do: “There can be no place to have them coinciding with the emotion that is asking to take center stage. If I need to feel rage toward them, if I want to fully feel it, I can not sit and entertain times that want to tell me it wasn't always like this or that. And I would have to say, that this is what happens naturally when I just simply allow and permit what is on the surface asking to be felt...I just never thought about how singularly focused I had learned to become in allowing the depths of each emotion to be felt all the way without the mental noise of "but, but, but...”.” She has just stayed true to her feelings, no mind, just allowing herself to FEEEL. No thoughts, no reasoning, no justification, no nothing, just the full emotion and feeling and then expressing and emoting all she feels. And when you are pure and true to the feelings like you’re saying you feel you are, the truth comes of its own accord, you come to understand just what it is in that feeling moment your soul (and God) wants you to see. So in our feelings, as you said, we are that young child, pre-mind formation and separation. That is truly ‘being as a child’. And as we stay true to that, then from thereafter, and all also being feeling-led, our mind can come into play helping us understand more and make the connections between our feeling-moments. Feelings first then the mind.
Which the real relationship between the Second Person who is God (The Eternal Son) - feelings and truth, and the Third Person who is God (The Infinite Daughter Spirit) - mind, and us - our soul. We have to live this way instead of how we do in our evilness with our minds and the Third Person Deity of the Paradise Trinity in control of our feelings and leading the Second Person. Which doesn’t work, which is why we’re in rebellion. So by you saying what you are experiencing by living true to your feelings, on the highest inner levels you are sorting out this relationship, bringing it back into balance and perfection; so by the completion of your healing, with the Second and Third Persons of Deity working harmoniously together, you can truly embrace the First Persons who are God - the Mother and Father, thereby completing the true Paradise Trinity relationship within yourself, something the authors of the Bible failed to understand but that which we can grasp with the help of The Urantia Book. And although none of this might actually help you get more in touch with your feelings, still from Divine Love Spirituality’s point of view, it is embracing your Ascension to Truth to Paradise, setting out to have a relationship with the Paradise Trinity as represented by your relationship with your feelings and mind and the Mother and Father. And one can’t be more spiritual than that - that is it! That is what will happen should one look to their feelings for the truth of their soul. That is what I want people to be able to do to truly help themselves - which is: heal themselves of their evilness.
We put ourselves above nature, and yet look at how true and pure and humble and unassuming Sarah was staying absolutely true to herself. And so by just being herself she has helped you enormously to become more true to yourself. Who is ‘above’ whom? I so long for the day when I’ve finished my healing and I will be as true as nature is in how I express myself.
Thanks for carrying what I wrote into explaining all that you did, James putting into words how it all jives with DLS. I ended up buying the Urantia book and am eating bits and pieces of it when I have the time and energy for intellectual/mind work...which seems I have less and less of everyday. And I could not allow the opportunity to pass my own 100% agreement on along with you regarding these incredible gifts of creatures given us who by just being themselves are agents of healing. Anytime now that I am with another person who may choose to open up to me or not, I feel Sarah's non-intrusive presence...just BEING with me/us and remembering how very powerful it is to BE with another, respecting what they want and what they don't want and me choosing to feel inside myself what not controlling or manipulating the conversation will bring to me.
It may be that her work with me becomes even more powerful since she's disappeared from physical sight.