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Post by desire2bme on Jul 12, 2014 4:05:48 GMT 10
I feel a little bit conflicted in asking you...James, Marion, Wes, Sam and those anonymous here, BUT do ask for your prayers toward myself and my husband as we work through our cat, Sarah's seeming end times. She had a real listless day last Saturday and I ended up finally breaking down with tears as I shared with my husband my thoughts about how she looked and was acting. That day, we talked a little about the possibility of if/when we see her suffering and the idea of putting her down in the future. The next day, Sarah brightened up in her eyes acting like the day before never happened...and since then she does keep wanting to eat and drink, but now her abdomen is ballooning. As I sat and talked with her today, she doesn't have any look in her eyes that says she is feeling any pain. Being 18 years old, I believe her thirst and larger amounts of urination point to possibly kidneys slowing down. She's at the age where I don't want to take her into the vet to be poked and prodded to have her diagnosis defined with a word and told she's too old to do anything about it.
This is hard because I don't know if I am being selfish by not taking her in now...not wanting the vet to look at me with their eyes telling me they think it's time to put her down when I don't believe she's at that point...not suffering or showing she's in pain, but definitely having some body changes going on here. I have been told that a cat's personality begins to change when their death is very near and so far that's not happening.
All these words to say, I've never gone through these last days with a cat who has been with us all these years. I am doing my best to keep feeling through it and watching what decisions I may choose to make as I watch her and keep on moving with her through this. I am more than willing to have her here at home right up to and into her death and right now am not able to think about euthanizing her...so far, I haven't had to consider that seriously outside of just beginning to last Saturday.
I feel afraid because I want to do the right thing...the right thing for Sarah keeping her comfortable. I'm afraid because I don't want to have any regrets for jumping the gun. My husband is pretty much having me be the decider on how things will go and will support what ever I feel is best. This whole thing could just be a temporary hump to many more months of her being with us or her moving more slowly everyday into her end days. I am without a clue and I hate being in this position of gauging how to handle this. Will give my vet a call on Monday should I see her bloating continue over the weekend...at least that's what I am feeling to do today. Thanks so much for your thinking of us.
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Post by wesley on Jul 12, 2014 4:40:27 GMT 10
I know exactly what you are going through. 2 years ago I had to make that decision with my dog Sable. Oh how I loved that beautiful creature. With my heart and soul. She was so strong and loving and we played constantly. She became very old bit always bounced back through bouts of suffering also. My wife and I seen her incredible resilient life that nature could offer her. One day she couldn't walk. My wife told me while I was in work. So day in day out I had to carry her in and out the house and help her bend to use the bathroom. But the day came when I had to take her to the vet. I came down the steps and there she was sitting there the whole night alone not coming up the steps to wake my. I took her to the vet that day and she had cancer all the way up to her shoulder. The vet said nothing and the decision was on me. My wife left in tears. It was time to end her suffering. So as the doctor went through the procedure I alone and her was together for her last moments together. I stayed with her to the end just talking to her telling and talking her about all our good times we had together. The saddest decision I ever made. That day I cried like a baby. But my wife seen the day coming and still you can't prepare enough. So I will pray for you and your decision. Love Wes.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 12, 2014 12:20:12 GMT 10
Dear Wes, Thank you for sharing all you did with me about Sable. Reading your words helps me to see there is no right way to move through this. There is something about the way you saw and quickly replied to my reaching out that touches me so deeply...although so difficult, it is comforting for me to read how things went at the end for you. I've written some about my lack of tears for the majority of my life, but know there is coming for me a dam that's going to break big time as this plays out. The beginning of my tears began to drop as my husband and I discussed our concerns for Sarah last weekend. Thanks again so much for expressing your deep empathy, your written words...perfect.
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Post by James on Jul 12, 2014 20:50:23 GMT 10
Yes, like Wes did, I stayed when the vet put Potsy to sleep, Marion not being able to face it, she hid, hiding in the car crying feeling so bad that she couldn’t be there for Pots knowing how much Pots hated being at the vet and suffering. Then Marion was wracked by guilt feeling that Pots felt rejected by her not being there holding her kissing her and making her feel loved whilst she said goodbye. Marion having to make everyone else feel loved and take all their pain away. She is to be there for everyone who is suffering yet she couldn’t be with Pots as she was suffering too much, so she had to care about herself for once, not everyone else. She had to honour her own distress and do what she felt like doing, running away, and not pushing herself past that by being the support person for the one in need. She was expected to not have her own needs, expected to be there for everyone else, they never cared about how she felt, she was there to care about them and look after their needs. So she had to not do what she thought she had to do with Pots, putting herself first, with the guilt and regret getting less and less as time has gone on, as she’s talked numerous times about it, including now again as I’ve been typing what she said. And she feels that she was right in what she did, but her belief was so strong that she was bad going against what everyone else said, the whole experience being one of the major times in her life when she did put herself first, all because of all she’d expressed about what she felt leading up to our decision to put Pots down. For me it sure opened the flood gates, we both cried for a few days expressing so much deep pain and hurt, feeling we were losing the only love we had, losing our child-selves that was in Pots, losing all that beautiful unconditional natural love that was Pots, feeling the agony of being deprived such love by our parents. With Pots it all happened so fast, the love instantly being taken away, with our parents it was drawn out without our being able to remember just how bad it was for us. Our thoughts are with you and your husband Desire, but like so much in ones healing, it couldn’t be more perfect timing as you were wanting to bring those tears up. And to be able to go with all the pain, not pushing it aside, just letting it come and seeing what it holds for you, that will be the compensation - something I’ve just realised in writing that - which happened for me and Marion. The truth compensating for the pain. And it’s true, there is no right way to do anything, only doing it fully with ones feelings whilst longing for the truth of them. And Desire, as sad as it is as to what’s happening to you and Sarah, I couldn’t help but smile at the title of your thread.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 13, 2014 8:35:21 GMT 10
I am taken back by the way that opening my own sadness and fears in front of you brings another layer of your own grief/sadness being able to be connected into and worked through...that it is this that brings me a true comfort, feeling your very personal companionship. James, as you shared about Marion's experience and how she continued to work through the guilt that came from her choice to not be with Potsy, I saw on a whole other level how living honestly with our feeling states undoes every last embedded knot. I can't imagine the amount of guilt that would flood to the surface from not only that particular experience but any back logged guilt associated with "not being there" when the chips are down for others...at least that's how it works for me as I get in touch with certain categories of emotion. Potsy's death seems to have made a wide open way for the roots of all Marion's false guilt to arise. The emotions contained within all that sounds to me to be completely devastating to feel...like a MAJOR heart surgery.
I am curious, both with you, James and Wes as well, being the women left the scene of your beloved pets being euthanized, how did that make you feel? And were you at the place to be able to accept the need of theirs to do what they felt was right for them or did it bring anger and separation as you went through your own grieving by yourself? I am not asking to find what is the right way in order for everyone to get through it with the least pain, but what was it that you found within yourselves happening with it working out this way in your cases. I desire to know, if you care to share what came up and unfolded as a result...like how James you shared how it has gone for Marion.
The subject of "being selfish" is a huge one that comes up. This experience of having Sarah for almost our whole marriage...treating her like we wish we had been treated as a child is an experience I will never regret. Yes, I have watched my own mother's ways of impatience and neglect play out through me as well. This has humbled me in to learning that without feeling through the pain of those wounds created between my mother and I, I would continue to have to watch myself be caught up in those old patterns within my own way of living with Sarah. I am convinced that I would have been a horrid parent had I ever had children with all the pain buried in me and not yet having gone through any feeling healing.
Don't you be selfish and make your cat suffer just because you aren't able to let go yet. How dare you be like that...grow up and do the RIGHT thing for her...ascend your pain you feel as you watch her go through her stages of leaving and get a plan of action figured out. This is NOT the time to be working through your own shit. Get yourself together and be the perfect parent. Oh, you feel confused...afraid? Well feeling that isn't going to help her now is it? Just swallow it all down and get on with it...FOR HER SAKE! This is a time to act, NOT to feel! Fuck, this is the story of my life...the need to get it all figured and planned out all more important than allowing my feelings to show the way of how I personally need to go through it.
James, thank you for putting it like this: "feeling we were losing the only love we had, losing our child-selves that was in Pots, losing all that beautiful unconditional natural love that was Pots, feeling the agony of being deprived such love by our parents" You put words on what I have not been able to articulate...this agony that surfaces as a result of being deprived of such love by our parents. What an incredible deep ache it is.
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Post by James on Jul 13, 2014 10:50:45 GMT 10
“Don't you be selfish and make your cat suffer just because you aren't able to let go yet. How dare you be like that...grow up and do the RIGHT thing for her...ascend your pain you feel as you watch her go through her stages of leaving and get a plan of action figured out. This is NOT the time to be working through your own shit. Get yourself together and be the perfect parent. Oh, you feel confused...afraid? Well feeling that isn't going to help her now is it? Just swallow it all down and get on with it...FOR HER SAKE! This is a time to act, NOT to feel!” WRONG! This IS the time to be working through your shit as the feelings are surging to the surface enabling you to feel so out of control, afraid, powerless, angry - the full pain.
And as I was reading this paragraph it made me think, ok, what would Sarah want, she being so loving of me (Desire), she only wanting the best for me, she having come into my life to help me feel the love I am so deprived of, AND to help me learn through my feelings about why I am so love-deficient and all the pain that causes me. So now that I (Sarah) am approaching death, what would I want her to do, how would I want her to behave - as is written in the italics above, or, as she has been doing, honouring all her bad feelings I am helping to bring up in her, all so she can uncover the truth of them, and by doing that will be able to heal the hole in her heart which I came into her life to help her see and feel more.
And I couldn’t ask for anything more loving from you Desire, for you to allow me to do what I need to do for you, and for you to work on yourself as we go through this together, and I trust through your feelings you’ll do what is right for me, just as I know I am doing what is right for you. So let’s just keep going as it is and see where it takes us both, and for me to give of myself, of my life to you, and knowing I have helped you in this way gives me no greater joy. It is what I was created for - to come into your life just for you. It is me doing what I do best. So you too can do what you do best, now knowing that it is all about going with all your feelings that come up and not trying to ‘ascend’ them pretending you’re not feeling them. And I ask of you nothing more than this, you don’t have to worry about me and my pain, I have many loving angels with me as do I have my friends in the nature spirits attending to my every need... and I have your love. I am happy even in my pain, for I am fulfilled and all I want is for you to gain something for yourself from me, from my life with you. And if you gain but one iota of truth, then I am very happy, I have done my work, I have fulfilled my purpose, and I have loved being with you. So thank you my dear - my mother - for loving me as best as you could have done all things being considered, and it was more than enough, and I will forever be grateful for you for giving me this opportunity of being able to be with you and help you in my cat ways. And I know that you will be okay, you’ll get there, you’ll work your way through all of that darkness within you, you’ve crossed that line, you’re on your way now, and so my work is done, and I love you with all my heart, and we’ll see each other again in the next life, so I’ll be there waiting for you. So you keep going doing what you now know you are to do, and don’t you worry about me, I’ll be more than all right. You are the one who needs all the love, all that love you’re able now to slowly give more to yourself, and that’s what’s ONLY important. So you keep bringing up all those nasty hateful unloving words you hear in your mind, and you let them have the light of truth shone on them so you can see how mean and cruel they are, and my knowing you are doing that, that is what makes me the happiest. All my love to you my special mother person Desire, and when it’s time for me to go you will know, and you will know what is right should you be required to act. You have no need to worry, we are both being looked after by You Know Who. Sarah.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 13, 2014 14:00:34 GMT 10
Thank you for these words, James...thank you SO very much for allowing Sarah to speak the truth through you. ...
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Post by James on Jul 13, 2014 20:33:05 GMT 10
“I saw on a whole other level how living honestly with our feeling states undoes every last embedded knot.” That’s how Marion and I see ourselves, that we’re like a ball of wool that’s all knotted up after Pots has got through playing with it, with our healing requiring our teasing out every last knot and tangle. And we’ve have to wrestle with parts trying to undo things a tiny bit a time, trying to get them to give, then suddenly we make a break through and gain a metre, then it’s back into another tangle... And all that guilt you can happily know will come up all in its good time, all the knots and tangles have to come out - one day. Not one stone is going to be left unturned. But it all comes out and in a way that is best for us, for our soul, so not necessarily as we think it will or in the order we might imagine it will happen. And so far as to what we are to see under each stone is also not necessarily what we think we are to see, so it’s all an extraordinary thing for us to live through and experience.
“The emotions contained within all that sounds to me to be completely devastating to feel...like a MAJOR heart surgery.” They are completely devastating, and should you fear that devastation Desire then it’s very important for you to also focus on it and all that makes you feel. However looking back over our healing, although many times it has been very intense, still it’s never been more than we’ve been able to cope with, and I can now see it’s all been metered out perfectly fitting in with so many other things we’ve needed to experience along the way. It’s not that our life stops whilst we do our healing, it’s that our life is our healing, so it all works in as one - this I would imagine you already understand, but it was something I had to realise.
“I am curious, both with you, James and Wes as well, being the women left the scene of your beloved pets being euthanized, how did that make you feel?” That’s a good question Desire, it had not come up for me. So how did it make me feel? For me to go and do the horrible thing by myself was what was expected of me, being the man, and not having the support from my parents. And as all the focus was always on mum and what she needed, I was secondary (if that - more like last on the list), so if that’s what Marion wanted to do, good, that’s what she should do. But now having moved on from that place in myself, yes now I can feel scared and angry that I was left all alone to do it by myself, and it would have been so good had Marion been there with me so we could have shared in it. It makes me feel again so unloved, so uncared about by my parents, that they could allow me to do such a thing without their support. And apart for feeling so miserable and sad about that, it makes me feel raging angry that they didn’t care about me. I don’t feel angry with Marion as it quickly moves past her, but I’ll talk about this to her when I finish writing. The whole having-to-be-the man thing, as much as that appealed to my ego, making me feel important and feeling a little bit independent from them, is shit, and I need to spend more time focusing on that and all how it makes me feel. I have so heavily put myself aside for mum, she being the one in need and unhappy all the time, that it’s taking so long for me to return to myself so I can feel what I really felt in all those situations. I was the child and should have been put first, not the adult putting herself first, along with all the other adults supporting her and telling us children we must also support and put her first. That has fucked me up no end. And I’m just beginning to be able to feel how I did feel back then, with such new feelings coming to light in me, whereas they have been the main force and focus of Marion’s whole healing.
“I am convinced that I would have been a horrid parent had I ever had children with all the pain buried in me and not yet having gone through any feeling healing.” Marion has also said all the way along she too would have been a horrible parent and was so glad she didn’t have children to inflict her vileness on. For me my ego said I’d have been an okay dad, I like children having got on well with them for the five minutes I’ve spent with them. But as Marion has helped me see, five minutes is not the same as all the time, and just like with Pots I had to admit she gave me the shits so often needing my attention and me to play with her and children would have been a million times more demanding. So I now accept I would have severely damaged them, screwing them around and stuffing them up in so many ways without my knowing, all in my conceited belief that I loved them and was doing the right thing by them, just as my parents were with me. I thank God I don’t have to work though all the pain of knowing I corrupted them, having to work through it all to do with how badly I treated Pots at times and the other creatures in my care has been harrowing enough.
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Post by wesley on Jul 15, 2014 2:29:01 GMT 10
Hi Desire I felt guilty and ashamed at the time. I was not doing my soul healing at the time so as James said I was doing the man's job supposedly. I picked her out myself and took the role in making that horrible decision. Like you said there wasn't a right way to go through it. My dad always showed no emotions for our pets in the past. He always hated them and always wanted to get rid of them. So as you asked James and I how did it make us feel I only had the guilty feeling. Your question stayed with me for a couple of days now and you and James have a way of bringing me to life. It seems you have seen more there. And yes it was more. As I used my feelings more in it I remembered how I really express my feelings about Sable to so many people. How could I have forgotten. And so many people had similar stories. I started feeling the tears when I first wrote you. Thank you for sharing and bringing out to me what I had forgotten. So maybe I was doing a little work on myself at the time. I'm so flooded with feelings now a days and I wished there were other words to really describe how I feel. But I guess there is a reason for that. And I think James and I being the only men on the forum brings more challenges that I could ever imagine. That men it's alright to feel and good to listen to your spouses. It's a great help indeed. Being once in the male role of dominance myself seeing exactly what they and all men really need. At the end we need each other. The hard shell is going to break and I know this by experience and all that is left is FEELINGS.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 15, 2014 6:40:31 GMT 10
"you don’t have to worry about me and my pain, I have many loving angels with me as do I have my friends in the nature spirits attending to my every need... and I have your love."
"All my love to you my special mother person Desire, and when it’s time for me to go you will know, and you will know what is right should you be required to act. You have no need to worry, we are both being looked after by You Know Who. Sarah."
These two portions of what-would-Sarah-say reached me in a very significant way...allowing some more tears to flow. It helped me to see how much pressure I have been putting upon myself to be You Know Who instead of allowing You Know Who to be Themselves and me to just feel all that there is to feel through this. At present, I still have no feeling that encompasses me expressed by such words as "God is with you, watching over, caring for you..." and so also within this context, it is not what prevails and steps forward in this circumstance of (as you remind me) angels, nature spirits and You Know Who all looking after Sarah. And this absence of a caring God feeling has been life long. As I keep on allowing all of my emotional baggage to be dug through, the verdict that keeps coming up is "I was not loved, cared for, watched over". So as I am here caring for my cat, I find myself living on the other extreme of trying to be that perfect parent so she won't go through what I felt as a child not being looked after.
Being able to process some of those feelings that come from feeling so neglected, I find a question being asked inside myself: What was the world before doctors, veterinarians and medicines? If death need not be feared - each soul having within it the knowing of how and when it's time will finish out here physically on the earth - where can we then place our priority and energy as we go through the physical health challenges we find within ourselves and our pets? To reassign myself as the child and God as God, I am learning first hand that this feeling soul work needs to be first place (instead of last or no place) and handling the physical expression of the actual pain in the body will unfold as it wills. I wonder how much all of the twisted up-ness within my own gut that has come from a lifetime of doing things ass backwards is being out-pictured in my cat's gut that has ballooned?
After you reminded me of how much I can let go and know Sarah is being cared for it became apparent to me that in the past with all of my unconscious garbage yet inside of me thinking its up to me to "play God" , I could not relax my body enough to be able to let go and cry. Your personal support along with Wes and then you sharing of who all else is here that I can not see or feel has undone some of the twisted up bundle of fear and worry I was holding in. I was able to express it as it is and find myself free-er to allow my sad tears to drop. Today, outside of Sarah still looking bloated, she doesn't have the look of death and I feel more confident in trusting my gut that said not to take her to the vet...not for the reasons I had before of fearing what the vet would tell me, but having a deeper sense of all Who is with us, watching over, caring for...US BOTH. The thoughts came...What are you thinking?! You are acting EXACTLY like a neglectful parent not getting your loved one to the doctor ASAP...you should be locked up, you murderer! But today's feelings say with confidence - NO. Will I have regrets later on, feeling guilty if suddenly I find Sarah in excruciating pain? Maybe, who knows where the road will take me feeling-wise should we end up there. All this may be "just talk" and mental gyrations going on with me thinking I am moving toward a deeper trust in this Omnipresent One along with angels and nature spirits presiding with us.
This all is clearly affecting how I think through more deeply now how important doing the feeling work is as opposed in getting all lost in what is physically going on and what I should or shouldn't do about it. And if God is accessible to us all in this way...it IS fair to all. I have often thought how unfair it is that some places have no medical facilities or doctors available in their vicinities. If we all learn to prioritize our feeling work, putting it first place what things will we see as the physical follows after unwinding out of illness? This is where I desire to live...finding out by experience.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 15, 2014 6:53:29 GMT 10
Wes, I am so glad that this post brought back to you more with how things happened for you with Sable. As you wrote about your dad: "My dad always showed no emotions for our pets in the past. He always hated them and always wanted to get rid of them" it makes me mad and sad to read that. It's not fair for parents to take out their feelings they are afraid to admit on animals and their children. Growing up on a farm, how I saw our animals treated by my parents is how I also felt treated...just like how I saw my mother treat my father and father treat my mother, what they did to each other they were doing also to me.
I am so glad you are one of the two men residing here with me to help me unwind out of all my fears about men. As you share candidly and honestly just how you feel, I become warmed into your equal. Thanks, Wes again for how you share here on the forum.
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Post by James on Jul 15, 2014 21:25:45 GMT 10
Thank you very much Wesley and Desire for your comments and all you say. You both, as well as Samantha, are helping me no end in so many aspects of coming out and feeling better in myself, feeling more confident and seeing that I’m not all alone, just Marion and I, and gaining something of what you’ve both said, having a family of sorts, people who understand and are living along the same lines - yes, thank you both as you’re making me feel good, feelings that I’ve never felt before.
And Wes, you saying things like ‘And I think James and I being the only men on the forum brings more challenges that I could ever imagine. That men it's alright to feel and good to listen to your spouses. It's a great help indeed. Being once in the male role of dominance myself seeing exactly what they and all men really need. At the end we need each other.’, gives me a good feeling about being male, a sort of solidarity with another man, something I’ve never really had or felt good about. Because I relate to what you’re saying, we see things in the same light. It’s good to hear someone else, another man, say something like ‘it's alright to feel and good to listen to your spouses’, because of having such problems about being forced to listen to my mother and the other dominant women in my life, when all they said and did made me feel bad. This morning I’ve been going through feeling just how threatened with death I felt all the way through being in the womb - ‘wombal trauma’, all of which has helped me see more clearly how depressed and on the back foot in life I’ve always felt. And how I don’t want to be with people, and yet I do, only because they made me come out and be with them. And understanding that it’s them who I fear and made me feel bad, not other people. And so Wes, when you say those things about appreciating your wife and women, that just turns my focus to Marion again and I feel a sense of relief, of joy even that she is my wife and she is NOT my mother. So many strange feelings all the time, yet all not so strange when I can relate back to them in all to how I felt and what I thought when I was young.
And Desire, the more you relate to Wes and I, the more I am appreciating your desire to understand it all, and your support and appreciation of us. That gives me nice feelings too. I do laugh at times about it all, the strangeness of the feelings, all of which I talk about with Marion, which of course always brings more to light. Whilst making breakfast having read yours and Wes’ last post, and all with Samantha during the last few days, I was feeling like, hey, I have a family: Me and Marion and Wes, and with Desire who’s gives me nice feelings of being mothered as she’s so intent on understanding herself and us and really taking an interest in us all - my mother not wanting to know about anything other than herself. And then it even went further with Wes and I the two boys struggling on with our feelings, not really knowing what to do with them, and then there’s our sister Sam over there who’s very busy with other work she wants to do but whom we love dropping in from time to time telling how she’s getting on. Oh god I don’t know what you’ll think about my writing this, but I get such good feelings of feeling loved and appreciated by all you all say, something I have never felt before. I must be having a ‘weak moment’ so I’ll better go and speak with Marion about it all before I start crying with my good fortune of you all coming and wanting to be involved with it all - wanting to be involved with me!
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Post by James on Jul 15, 2014 21:29:41 GMT 10
The absence of a caring God feeling. I relate to that Desire, it’s the same for me. Last night as I was starting to go to sleep, I started to speak to my Mother and Father as usual, but before I was even aware of what I said, I said to Them: I hate you. I hate you for making me feel so bad all the time. Then my mind stepped in and it was: ah, no I don’t hate you Mother and Father, it’s them, my mother and father - which is true, but my feelings were I hated Them - all of Them, them those people or gods who were meant to look after me and ensure I felt loved. God wasn’t part of my early life, so I came to Them through my mind. It all made sense to have a loving God, even though I couldn’t understand why They hurt us and made such bad things happen to us a lot of the time. But slowly through my healing as I’ve brought out how hurt and unloved I feel by my mother and father, and how much I hate them, so I’ve started to feel a new relationship developing with my Mother and Father, a much deeper knowing-feeling that They are there and do love me. It’s only faint still, but comes and grows getting slowly stronger, but I can now tell it’s a real feeling with nothing to do with my mind. And even though I regularly speak with Them, still that’s all separate from this growing feeling, which is still all reflective of and because of my inner disconnection with my true self. But I can sense the gap narrowing. I used to try and use my mind to get closer to the Mother and Father, almost convincing myself that They are loving me, willing myself to feel and believe it, but over the years and with Marion’s help I’ve been able to see how that approach was wrong, as was indeed having any approach, and to just let it go, and if ever I have liberated enough of my yuk and have sorted out my unloving relationships with my family, then I might be in a place within myself to start to relate truly to God. So I have put feeling truly loved and God being with me aside, all stuff that I would imagine - and hope - will happen once I’ve healed myself; all understanding that until I’ve worked through all my God and love denial, I can’t truly love or feel loved anyway. So to not worry about it - other than those times when I do worry and I’m angry or feel miserable or scared about not feeling love (or being able to love) from God or anyone else, which I talk to Marion about. So I can relate to you saying you’ve not felt God loving you, and that as you - ‘As I keep on allowing all of my emotional baggage to be dug through, the verdict that keeps coming up is "I was not loved, cared for, watched over”’ - keep allowing yourself to feel such bad feelings, so you are moving closer to your true self and so also to having a true loving relationship with your Mother and Father.
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Post by James on Jul 15, 2014 21:32:01 GMT 10
In talking more with Marion about when the vet put Pots to sleep - your question helping me to see a lot more about myself, I realised that in fact at the time I was glad Marion (mum) didn’t come into the vets, because being away from mum were times I felt I had some power, so I was being in a way a martyr by being the good one who went in and went through the horrible thing. So really I was glad Marion (mum) didn’t come in because she would have only made it all worse than it was for everyone. Then in discussing this all with Marion I moved onto feeling ashamed, guilty and very sad that I’d not felt I wanted Marion to be there, as I would want her to be there now; that I didn’t wanted us all as a family to be together at that terrible time, able to be together supporting each other as we said our goodbyes. So I do have a lot regret which is now surfacing, my having moved on from how I was those years ago, being able to understand more how I also couldn’t have been any other way than I was, but sad that I’d not been able to be more demonstrative in my love for Pots and Marion. Gee, looking back now I can see just how far removed from myself, my own pain, all my bad feelings even though at the time I was overwhelmed by them I was. I think I was in some sort of shock and so unaware of them, and all because they just weren’t a part of my early life, in that such feelings weren’t talked about, there were of course there, but being a forming child, unless someone talks about them, you’re not readily aware of what it is you are feeling. So now feeling myself slowly waking up into them I can look back and see just how removed I was. So thank you again for asking the question.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 17, 2014 5:27:24 GMT 10
Sarah's behaviors ask me to consider...What if what she is enduring is an infection? What if she simply needs an antibiotic for a short time to clear something out? As I considered this and decided I don't want to live with these questions not answered and living with the regret that Sarah was being neglected by me not heeding her signals to point to something like this, I called the vet. We are set up to go in tomorrow so Sarah can give a urine sample.
Rolling with what is going on instead of making a final decision one way or another (like I thought of doing with not involving the vet at all) is not the way I have lived my life. It's part of the black or white, all or nothing, believing an action makes one fully evil or fully good, when in truth those judgments need be no part of what is happening. Sarah continues to lead and teach.
James/Wes/Marion, as you continued to process your feelings now being in a different place than you were when Pots/Sable got put down, it brings it home even more to me that feeling through things is never a finished event until it is really really finished...all cleaned out of anything that was being held in and down. Learning to allow the constant ebbs and flows with all of this and yes, so grateful along with you for friends who care and participate with me as I move through life.
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Post by James on Jul 17, 2014 15:45:04 GMT 10
I’m glad you’re taking her to the vet Desire, but not because I feel it’s the right thing to do, because don’t have any idea about that, but because it’s what you feel moved to do. And from Marion’s and my experiences through our healing, so many things have happened like this. Sometimes we feel to take a stand and say no and that’s it, other times we keep changing our minds, and other times we don’t have a clue. As you said, nothing is fixed, it’s all always evolving, the truth to be gained out of all and every experience. So who are we to condition what experiences we need, for there’s no way we can ever know what we need. So that’s why it’s so good being able to just go with our feelings - so then you know you are right, no matter the outcome because you are being true to all you are in the moment, expressing and seeking the truth of such feelings, which is all we are to do in life - life being in fact very simple to live.
And another part came up for Marion last night about her not going into the vets to be with Pots, in that she believes that if she is there then things will only be worse for everyone, so she didn’t want to make it any worse to Pots than it already was. Her parents made it very clear on a number of occasions that she and her opinion were not wanted, didn’t count, was irrelevant, and would only make things worse for everyone - themselves, and even herself, should she persist. So her vile presence would only want to make the vet and the nurse, me and Pots, puke, so she’s better off staying away.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 18, 2014 0:03:10 GMT 10
"I have put feeling truly loved and God being with me aside, all stuff that I would imagine - and hope - will happen once I’ve healed myself; all understanding that until I’ve worked through all my God and love denial, I can’t truly love or feel loved anyway."
James, I am coming back to this after reading what you were encouraging Samantha to do with becoming more aware of her angels. I don't know whether my confusion comes in with black and white thinking in my mind or if there is something in what you are writing that I have misunderstood. Are there times when where we are truly at in our healing is over-ridden in order for us to have true feeling experiences with Father-Mother God, Jesus, Mary, Angels? Or can these openings that have come in us as we have asked for the truth and felt our healing in certain parts of our layers of denial provide a place for the feelings of being cared for, watched over experiences to take place? At present, am just allowing myself to feel all of the confusion surfacing...the words "no one really knows the whole truth on any of this"...oh how I WANT things to be set in concrete, ALWAYS this way or the other, but not BOTH. More stuff coming up from how confusing it was for me as a child to try to make sense out of what there was going on around me.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 18, 2014 4:11:04 GMT 10
Sarah Diary Entry: Vet visit
The vet needed to do an ultrasound to determine what he was feeling in Sarah's stomach. He saw a tumor that has grown and is leaking some fluid (the fluid is what has caused her to suddenly look like a balloon). He said she's still got the life in her to go on as far as he is concerned and at this point is not in pain with this. With these kinds of tumors they can hemorrhage on their own or if she tries to jump and bangs her belly on something it could cause it to hemorrhage. If that happens she will curl up in a ball and go to sleep and die...he also said that as that happens it is also not painful for them to go that way. "That would probably be easiest on you," he said. There can come some complications of the tumor growing and messing with her elimination along the way, or not...just keep a heads up on watching how she's doing that way. (Yeh, I am all about watching her pee and poop habits anyway, so it won't take much to stay on top of that for me.) At 18 years old, doing surgery and chemo isn't anything I would believe her body wants to go through and the doctor said he wouldn't recommend it either. So here we are...my husband and my main goal to treat her as the royalty she has been to us all along. Thanks everybody for helping me get all of this out of me by sharing your own empathetic stories.
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Post by James on Jul 18, 2014 21:11:07 GMT 10
Good morning Desire. I don’t know quite what you’re asking, but I’ll have a stab at what I think. But to begin with, the best thing is that you’re just allowing yourself to feel as confused as you do. That’s the main focus, as you know, to just keep allowing yourself to feel whatever it is. And if you’re healing is anything like Marion’s and mine, you’ll be all over the place with your feelings going through times of absolute dementing confusion, with intermittent moments of clarity.
From what you’ve quoted from my writing, there’s lot of different subtle parts to it, all of which have happened for Marion and I but I don’t know if they will happen for you and others. From you all on the forum I’m seeing just how as we’re all (obviously) different, our childhoods being so different and being subjected to differing amounts of feeling expression denial, so our healing of our problems will differ too.
Desire, I’ll just write what comes to mind, and if you feel like I haven’t given you what you need, please tell me.
I wrote that quote in the moment of how I was feeling overall about and have felt through my healing, that I don’t feel God with me, actively loving me, nor do I feel I am actively loving God. However, and it’s so hard to put into words because I’ll now completely contradict this by saying, I also feel the opposite at times. But overall I’ve seen that what I’ve previously called love and even how I’ve related to the Mother and Father has been through my mind and not my true feelings. And as I find it so difficult to know what my true feelings are, so I tend to put all the love stuff on hold.
Also, it’s not that we have moments of feeling God loving us for example, or Mary and Jesus or the angels, this being separate to our healing, it is all apart of our healing if that’s what we experience. Life is our healing, everything that happens to us is part of our healing whilst we’re doing our healing, whilst we living seeking the truth of ourselves and God through our feelings. It’s just a different sort of life than what we grew up in and what other people who are not doing their healing are living. And really there is actually no need to even call it doing our healing, as it’s just growing in truth through our feelings, what we’re all meant to naturally be doing. But as we’re coming at it from the negative, so we feel we have to ‘heal’ our wrongness before we can actually begin our true life, however it’s still all our life. We’ve just made ourselves focus in life a new way, and one that is mostly very different to and alternative from what we accept as being the norm.
For Samantha currently she obviously feels moved to go with the angels, at least enough to want to see what it’s meaning for her through her feelings at this time. So I am more than happy to go with her as I am with you and Sarah for she’s a great part of where you’re at and what you’re currently focused on. However Samantha might find she does all she needs with the angels and moves on; or her being involved with her angels to a large degree might be where her life takes her; he being with the angels might be her whole healing-life, but either way it will be her life, so she’ll be able to work on herself, all the feelings coming up because of the added involvement with her angels. And for you currently Desire, it’s with Sarah and your husband and whatever and whomever is in your life at this very moment. So that might suddenly involve a huge feeling of love for or from the Mother and Father or from your involvement with a little deer. So there’s no rules, that’s for sure, principles that we’ll all live - yes, but they are to happen naturally as we try and stay true to our feelings. And because we’re all in such a huge mess, no one will be able to predict anything or say you should do this or can’t do that. We have to work it all out for ourselves. And all I feel like doing with you all is just expressing what I think and feel at the time, but hopefully with no agenda; or if I do have one, that it will be exposed along the way as I long for the truth.
So our healing cannot be over-ridden, even if God suddenly spoke to you Desire saying do this for me please and you willingly did it, that’s all still part of your healing-life, because one would imagine you’d want to know why God suddenly said that to you; why God spoke to you at all; what are your feelings in it all; do you have hidden intentions secretly hoping God will speak to you, and now God has done so, has He done so to help bring those intentions to light. It’s always looking for the truth in everything that we do, so as Marion says, ultimately we should be able to know - will be able to know, in every moment, just what we are feeling and why, and why are we acting accordingly - the whole truth of ourselves. And because of our healing and working ourselves back through our childhood to conception, we’ll have worked out how we felt in each moment and why and how we acted because of those feelings, all that will then become our foundation from which to move forward building on as we progress further.
And how do we know we might be having a true feeling-experience with God, the angels, or any spirit? How do we know anything? How do we know if our feelings are even true? And it’s not actually that we are meant to, not at least until we’ve completed our healing, but as all we’ve got in any moment is the feelings we feel, and even if they are not as true as we might like them to be, still we have them and they are all we have, so we just go with them, in the knowledge that because we’re always longing to be true to ourselves, so live expressing true feelings, that one day we’ll get there, and we will know all we feel is true - that being the day we finish our healing.
So there’s not so much as definitive steps along the way to mark ones progress, it’s just an ongoing - I have no idea - step by step process, only overall you do know you are making progress, because if you didn’t feel you were, you’ve have no incentive to keep slogging on.
And I personally feel that as I move into what I’d call healed parts of myself, some of me has become more true, then from that new perspective I can feel a new love or more love for and from God. Then that often is covered over and I’m moved back into my hole of no love, so I don’t feel any love anymore, and even more hate for my Mother and Father, then as I complete that circuit, I’m moved back out as such, looking at things from yet another new perspective, and so on. So I need the progression to enable me to see the next part of untruth. Then once that’s seen and I’ve grown more in truth, I have eyes to see and ears to hear and feelings to feel, the next deeper part of my untruth. I’ve felt like I’ve been systematically worked back deeper and deeper into ultimately every behaviour I have that’s untrue. This morning Marion picked me up on something I said which she didn’t feel was right. It took us the whole morning with us both ending up feeling like we’d had our heads put in a mincer before things started to settle and we started to see more of what my problem was.
But I’ve wondered about this, about the intensity and depths as to which Marion and I seem to need to go in our healing and will this apply to everyone. I’ve not been able to see the point of everyone who wants to do their healing suddenly having to give up their work, have a partner equally committed, block out all family and friends, just basically sit inside for seventeen years picking away at each other and trying to bring to light everything. If everyone was to do their healing like this, how would people have children to pass on what they’ve achieved in their healing, so how would humanity ever progress out of its denial?
I’m sorry for having gone on as usual, probably more than I needed to to answer your question and I’ve gone off the topic, but I am very appreciative of your question as it helps me bring more out about it all. So to finish, this helping me to take a few more steps along a line of thought I also had this morning, that it actually doesn’t matter how long it takes for people to do their healing. And by this I mean, some people might be destined to only grow a relative small amount in truth through their Earth life even though they might be doing their healing for many years. Whereas someone else might shoot up in truth seemingly only doing their healing for a relatively short time, as it seems to have been for Helen Padgett. And that the time it takes us to complete our healing is our time and irrelevant as to whether it’s longer or shorter than another’s healing, because it’s not a time thing, even though most of us want everything as soon as we can have it and the bad stuff to be over with as fast as we can make it go away. So once we begin our healing, our ‘healing’ is our life experience, and so whether it involves angels for some, a sick Sarah for another, and whether it takes this time or that time, and whether we love and feel loved by God in this moment and not in that, and even if those moments extend for years, it’s all just ‘our healing’. And if at any stage you feel pissed off because your healing is not going like someone else’s, then you know what you are to do with those bad feelings - bring them out! Because there will be lots to do with sibling rivalry, with how your parents treated you differently to your siblings or someone else, and millions of other things.
And I just thought having re-read this, we’re to all help draw out the truth in each other, which we do by interacting and so creating feelings we can use to find that truth.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 23, 2014 11:19:15 GMT 10
I want to post quickly to say, thanks James for your last reply (and to you Samantha for all you post as you move through what is brought into your life to learn from)...I want so to write all that it brought up for me to think about and work through but have no desire to push myself while I am being pretty much swallowed up into so many emotions as I keep walking through Sarah's end times. As I watch her decline, she leads me into repressed places of feeling the pain of abandonment. At present I do not understand why this in particular is triggered, but it is all consuming for me to just stay with it. Thanks to you all...Wes, Sam, James and Marion for being here. As I go through this current situation, I feel I am drawing strength from this home base.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 25, 2014 12:14:54 GMT 10
7/24/2014 12:30pm Sarah left us today for her heavenly mansion home. I will continue to be doing nothing but crying and moaning full time for awhile.
One of the things I found myself doing as I allowed myself to spend time with Sarah's dead body grieving over the loss of having it to hold and feel her pressed into me, was the desire to kiss her from head to tail. And so I took all the time to do that drinking in every last bit of what her affectionate physicality brought to me as a gift. As time is passing I come back to this and hear the question asked: Why can't I trust and open up my physical body to my husband as I did Sarah? And the answer comes: When men and women live filled with all of the grief of all of the losses they have encountered still housed within them, they rape and pillage each other trying to squeeze out of them a bit of something that will provide relief from their pain. Tradition and generational wounds say: It has become "the right" of a man to do what he wills when he wills to a woman's body when she chooses to become "his property." No matter how opposed to this way of thinking and living you choose to be - creating distance and saying "No" to the taking on the role of the one being used in this way - if you do not grieve the pain of your womanhood within you for living within this twisted evil institution that marriage has become, you live perpetuating it (adding your own personal evil twist).
So part of Sarah's very immediate legacy brings this issue up for me to own, accept and feel. Right now as I type this out, it is head knowledge...information, and I pray now desiring this issue of my own physical body fears of being used and deep emotional pain associated with it to all come forward through connecting fully into my feelings repressed.
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 25, 2014 18:28:18 GMT 10
Thinking of you and Sarah Desire, she has brought you an incredible gift of healing through the feelings revealed to you Through her journey, all to bring to you the truth of the pain you have always felt and can now feel and express fully.xxx
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Post by James on Jul 25, 2014 19:06:33 GMT 10
She will be well looked after Desire, as will you - Mary M.
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Post by desire2bme on Jul 25, 2014 23:36:51 GMT 10
James, When you first wrote this it was nice knowledge for me to hear...now it lives within my sobbing. It feels like the grief that I accumulated and have held into the deepest recesses of my bones now has this perfect very personal flood gate to use and process it through. Sarah thank you so much for creating this portal for me. Your words of encouragement given Sam and James (what you gave me from Mary M.) will sit right in front of me. You have NO IDEA how your understanding of what I am going through helps me continue to keep everything that needs to come out, coming out. Thank you Wes for your continued thoughts and deep expressions of love toward us. Today I found little Sarah paw prints on a blanket she jumped down onto and gobbled them up into my heart taking in every last physical sign of her being with me. Tonight I moved her special food dishes from the dishwasher into the cupboard...these little things that come after her being gone keep helping me stay with the grieving process that feels so good to me. I actually have a fear of not feeling this grievous pain which seems strange to my mind. Mary M., can you help me to know where Sarah goes when she left here. You say she is being well looked after but I don't know anything about what happens really to our sweet pets when they die. And thank you so much for your encouragement letting me know that you will be looking after me. I have been asking to be able to feel you more. I desire that.
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Post by wesley on Jul 26, 2014 3:50:15 GMT 10
I know exactly how you feel our hearts go out to you and Sandy one of God's beautiful creatures.
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