I’m the only person in the world God hates.

The word for me that I could not sit with last night was WAIT. I hate that word. I have lived it everyday of my life...waiting on others - God, parents, siblings, husband...before I can make new moves/begin my own life. But they have no idea I am waiting on them before I give myself full permission to live and move freely, making up my own mind about what's right for me. That's the gist of the feeling I get when I am stuck, running in place. I was groomed to follow orders and if and when I am not needed to get something done, to stay out of the way. A cog in the machine called a family. I wait for someone to push the right button or lever in my life hoping that it will be the final blow to take away this blasted feeling of being invisible.

My will has been smooshed, smashed, obliterated. I never had to use it growing up...the wills of those around me, whose ever will was the strongest at the moment, was what I would respond to. Their choice, their feeling state, would tell me where I would stand or if I should stay in the room with them. I was of very little use to anyone. My growth completely stunted, so I had nothing to offer. I lived on a dairy farm and I was afraid of cows. "Good God kid, what use are you! When the cows get out all I need you to do is stand there so they can not pass by you, JUST stand still! Can't you manage that simple task? I don't know what is the matter with you!" Fuck, I was just a little girl and these cows were all worked up being corralled and shouted at to get back in their penned up place. Good for them to get out and try to run away. All you do is use them for what you can make money out of and then you're done with them. I don't have any money making ability, so what use am I? Just get out of the way, you are of no use at all.

And I am still not making any money and what does my society (my "family") tell me I'm good for being this is the case? Nothing. Your job is to grow up, get a job...ANY JOB and WORK dammit! Your job is to be an efficient cog in the machine of this world and PUT OUT, PERFORM, FOLLOW ORDERS! It doesn't matter what you want, what you like, how you feel, or what you are capable of if you would follow your own heart. All that matters is for you to follow the instructions of those in this world who have the power and influence and control...just like it was back home as a child...JUST YEILD and SURRENDER your will, swallow your feelings and parrot the words that others tell you is the right way to think. I don't want to hear you talk. Stay submissive, you are weak and need us to give you direction.

And so I WAIT for who, what and why? It all is truly all so nebulous. Those who tell me not to act or say anything until I "know what I am doing." They are the same ones who never give me the chance to learn or practice anything to be able to know what I am doing! There's so much right here in me packed like sardines....emotions I can not yet feel or name, that are the root of why I have not allowed my own world, my own life a place for me to be. WAITING on my parents as a child and on my husband and on God as an adult...so many fears of getting burned, being yelled at for making a move and being in the way and not doing this or that right! No wonder I have chosen to just be invisible.

P.S. Thank you to Marion and James for getting this ball rolling, these words and feelings started out of me. I took your post, sat with it and used it like a baton in a relay race.

As I read your posts desire2bme and Wes, I could feel the underlying intensity of your anger coming through - unless I was just projecting mine onto you, and I enjoyed that. I felt good that you are so angry for you should be, we all should be. And I felt even better that I didn’t feel scared of it, as I’ve been so scared of anyone being angry - my parents. It’s taken me years to get in touch with my own anger; you Desire say you want to cry, well I want to SCREAM AND SCREAM with the RAGE about all I was subjected to. And as I have got more in touch with my anger, allowing myself to be angry, so I’ve not been as scared of Marion when she’s angry. I’m not even as scared of myself being angry.

 Wow  good research  its very interesting. Maybe our Mother made sure I would have something to do

Wes, you said you ‘just’ had to express that today, why did you put it like that - just. What are you feeling that makes you write ‘just’. To me it sounds like you’re apologising for interrupting the forum by having to add your horrible bit about how angry you are at your parents. As far as I’m concerned, your post is exactly what I want the forum to allow people to do - to be able to vent all their rage and anger or other bad feelings if that’s what they are feeling, all whilst they are longing to uncover the truth of why they are feeling them. So go for it, get it off your chest, bring it all out. It’s all very important Wes - you are very important all that you feel and what to say. I’d be happy if you set up your own ‘Wesley thread’ and put all your bad feelings on it.

But having said my side of it, it’s more important for you to focus on why you said ‘just’, because it feels to me like it’s a dismissive gesture, you’re not taking yourself and your bad feelings seriously enough, or believe we don’t want to hear that sort of stuff. So can you write more about that - what you are feeling that makes you write just.

Also, can you focus more on why you can’t tell them to call you first, why you feel so powerless with anything to do with them. And how that makes you feel about yourself not being able to do it. I know I’ve asked you that before and you said some stuff, but it’s important each time it comes up that you try and go further with it. That’s the most important part of it all, for you to be able to speak about all those bad feelings every day until there is no more for you to speak about because you no longer feel bad about it. So whilst you can’t say no and they keep pressing your buttons making you feel angry - try and make sure you go with all those bad feelings as much as you can. So please write as much as you can if that is what you feel to do - if it helps you.


And a point about our guardian angels, they are there only to serve us (by doing doing what God wants for us), so if we wish to progress in our evilness, so they will help us go that way. Similarly, if we wish to progress in our healing, they will help us go that way. So our guardian angels will not go against us; for example, they are not going to suddenly wake up someone like your parents to the truth of how unloving and disrespectfully they treat you. They will only help your parents do that when they’ve first decided they want to find the truth of themselves through their feelings. And even then only in step with ones healing, never going ahead or pushing us.

Wes, your words here have been used to show me one of the ways that keeps me spinning into old self-denying patterns, actually taking me deeper into them when I am being offered opportunities to feel through the emotion of them.  I will share an example of what I mean.

I have lived with this fear all of my life...do not have a memory of ever not having this: Of inviting others into my home. Before my mother died, I remember her saying to me, "You know, I don't know why I've not been comfortable to have anyone else but family (children, grandchildren) over to the house." She voiced the feeling we have always shared and it surprised me that she said it out loud.  It's feels to me like something  I took on in the womb, this deep fear. Well, recently, I had a friend of my husbands email me.  This woman had worked with my husband when we lived in the same town together and she and her husband were going to be coming up for vacation around where we live now and wondered if we could get together.  We had gotten together one other time as couples when we did live in the same city and went out to dinner and a concert and never felt enough connection at that time to spend more time together...at  least that's how it played out, neither of us calling to go out again.  So she emails and instantly I am flooded with emotions I still have no words for...it feels like I've been electrocuted am not  able to talk or respond in any way.

"What's the matter with you? Why does this have to be such a big deal to you?  Don't you know you have to be a friend to have a friend?  It's time to face this fear here and now.  Here's your opportunity and if you don't take it, to hell with all this talk that you say you want to grow and heal...it's all bullshit if you don't rise up and face this NOW!"  So I was already feeling the overwhelming  fear that surfaced with this event in my life knocking at my door and added onto that was my own haranguing...bludgeoning my own self for not being up to rising to this supposed occasion where I am to prove to someone that I am a hospitable gracious adult host always ready and willing to receive guests. I compounded the whammy into a double-whammy and was so disappointed with my lack of ability to perform the way I thought I should be able to that I was missing out on just using the event (no matter how I chose to use it) to feel deeply into this electrocution. 

It's like what you were talking about with becoming a football player, feeling like you really did inside, yet forcing yourself to play the part you thought you HAD to.  There you were in your feeling frozen state and saying to yourself, "Now get out there and play the game!"  You have no option not to, so "Buck up and be what we need you to be!"  As I read that I felt this again - the double whammy.  We already feel completely wiped out and unable to move and instead of now just giving ourselves permission to allow present events to take us back into our repressed emotion and give ourselves time to feel them, we jab a knife into ourselves saying, "You should be an adult by now and be able to tell your parents to call before they come." or "What's your problem, you selfish bitch, can't you get over your fear and sit down to have a nice afternoon by inviting company over?"

I don't know if what I wrote makes any sense to your own process and how it goes, but your words of what you've been sharing lately are helping me to not place that expectation of making myself change my behavior into what I feel it SHOULD BE before I work through the repressed emotion of it. It is not my desire to live in this paralyzing fear when it comes to having others in my home, but it is my priority first to allow the times I still say no to these opportunities to feel through this pile of crap inside of me and not make a big deal out of what seems so easy for other people to do.  Saying no right now instead of just over-riding the fear and white fisting my way through it is what I have made myself do most of my life.  Sitting with the feeling of electrocution as I keep on asking for the truth is more than enough for me without putting myself under pressure to perform on top of it.

Wow...this truly is what I did as a child...all that gritting my teeth and baring what I thought I must when all the while I was completely feeling devastated and wiped out.  To say, "I can't do this, it is too much for me right now" is not failing, but owning the truth.  More can only open up for me from there...not when I am lying to myself in order to prove I am more of how a "real adult" acts by saying or doing the "right" thing.

It’s incredible just how difficult it is to honour feelings. You don’t want to do it - you FEEL you don’t want to do it. So you shouldn’t do it - of course. Oh but how hard is it to just be true to such feelings, when you’ve got all that other shit you’re talking about Desire and Wes. I’ve hated it all so much in myself, feeling no I don’t want to do it, but feeling like I’m a robot just automatically doing it because I’ve been programmed to. And then making up all sorts of justifications telling myself that it’s okay to do it - when it’s not. And telling myself that I’ll even benefit from it, when in fact all I’m getting out of it is slowly killing myself more and creating even more pain for myself by dishonouring my feelings.

But to at least now gradually become aware and accept that I can’t say no, and I can at least speak about how bad and pathetic I feel, accepting this ‘weakness’ in myself, is something loving I can do for myself, even if I still end up going against myself and doing the thing. And gradually as I’ve expressed such feelings and the truth has come about all the complexities involved, I’ve found I’m simply no longer in those situations so I don’t even have to say no.

Yes Desire2bme your right. It is time to take on that feeling of the ungrateful one. How long have you been writing? Seems to me you can touch on many topics. Is it all a natural process for you? Or do you have any type of gifts to guide you? If you don't mind me asking?