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Post by samantha9 on Sept 24, 2019 21:26:16 GMT 10
I just went up to the loo and amazing realisations come to me when I am on the loo or I the bath, I know is sounds funny but its true. I can now connect the dots at to why I have always carried the feeling that I am about to die at any moment, it is because I felt like I had died at my conception, like I was saying above in my last post. I felt it then as my will was taken bit by bit as I felt my parents feelings about how my life should be, this killed off my own will and any thing I might want to do, my soul suddenly sank as it was crushed and suffocated and I felt like I, my creativity was dying, all of my rights to decide for myself had gone in that instant, I had to do as my parents wanted and make the proud of me so my soul shrank and early diminished as I denied it and abandoned my will for the will of my parents. This death feeling has stayed with me all my life and made me scared in everything I do, I never felt safe in life and always felt like I needed my parents to save me, shit it all makes so much sense now. My fear and feelings of dying in every moment are all from the having to kill of my own wilful feelings and replace them with the feelings of my parents and subsequently the will of every one else in my life as they all wee my parents to me, having to please them to get the feelings I needed from them. Doing my own thing and following the urges of my will would have met with such disapproval and I would have been so rejected so I rejected my own will so I would feel loved, its all so fucking sick and intricate in its twists and turns, so devious, fuck I feel good as more truth comes, I don't feel breathless any more, I can fucking breath.
I now know where my feeling of constantly dying come from and it was felt at my conception at the let down of knowing I had to give myself up and replace it with the will of my parents and everyone else. I have never been here for me, they had never been here for me, I was alone and scared to be so. I couldn't be myself and that in itself is a death, I threw myself away because I could feel at my conception, I wasn't wanted so I threw me away and became what my parents wanted me to be. I died and have died every day since, I have had to feel like that so that I could one day, which is today, get to the truth of where that feeling came from and it was my conception and I have carried that death feeling, death of my true self, my will, around with me constantly, being scared of everything and feeling like everything would kill me all so I could feel the truth of coming into this world and denying my will, killing it as my parents had done with their expectations and demands for how my life would be.
Fucking amazing truth, Fuck, Fuck Fucking amazing freedom that I feel knowing that about myself, that had been hidden from me until today. No feeling like it!!
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 26, 2019 22:06:12 GMT 10
Well, today I woke up feeling in utter despair with myself and how much in Rebellion I truly am. Everything I think of doing is in rebellion to truth, love, God, Nature and myself and all the rest of it. I am fucked, fucking fucked and I am seeing so much more of the extent of that fucked upness. I cant get out of it, it even goes on in my sleep time, dreaming of how evil I am and against truth, last night I had an awful dream where I had to confront someone about something I had done in their house, I broke in and painted their walls red and after I left the house but felt so bad about it that I broke back in to repaint the walls white but they came back so I hid in the kitchen and there was no way out, I knew I had to confront them and tell the truth, it was horrible to see that about myself, how I try to get away with things, silly things but still against truth and it has made me feel very bad today, looking at all I am doing and how it is so against truth and in rebellion against everything. I feel so trapped by it, by myself and how bad I am and wanting so much to change but there is more I need to see about myself, so much more crap.
I have been applying for jobs again, getting interviews but not feeling able to turn up for them. Feeling that they are all so in rebellion, as I am. What am I to do?? Everything is wrong, I am so wrong but we have created a system that we have to pay for and I am in that system and cant see a way out of it yet and to go back to work feels to terrible to bare but I might have to. Going against my feelings so I can pay my way because there is no way put in place to do otherwise. I feel like I have no choice but to be a part of it. But I do have a choice and that choice is to go with my feelings and not to go back to work but the fear stops me doing that, what will happen to me if I have no money and cant pay my way in life, life will reject me altogether and that scares the shit out of me. I am in such a mess, what do I do? I don't trust that I will be ok if I follow my feelings, I will be in pain and I am so scared. I just don't trust God, I don't trust that God is their for me and they will let me suffer as I lose everything. I have to save myself, be self reliant, I can only trust myself, that is how I feel. If I trust God, it is a total loss of my control and that scares me so much, so being self reliant is something I can control so I wont feel to much pain, I can stop it by getting a job, but that is going against my feelings and that feels terrible, utterly terrible. Shit I don't know what to do, yet, I do but it scares me to not be in control and sort it all out for myself.
All I can do is keep expressing how I am feeling, all the confusion and my fears about going with my feelings because this is big stuff for me, a big test as to what I do as the time draws closer. I get interviews, I feel terrible applying for jobs and hover over the send button but then just press it and I hope they don't get back to me, almost sabotaging it all because it all feels so bad. I cant see me going back to work in any capacity, I cant see me being a part of the system but I am so scared to let the money diminish and see what happens next because I will lose it all and this is the hardest time for me. I am so fucking scared of losing everything, my house, my car, my comfort, warmth, electricity, gas, toilet, bath, safety, what the fuck am I to do. Do what my feelings tell me I want to do!! yes that is the answer but I am so shit scared. What will happen to me?? This is what I am scared of and I don't trust that I will be ok unless I make it so. No one is there for me, God isn't there for me, it is just up to me, I cant rely on anyone to help me, its all up to me to sort it out and I feel so fucked off that going back into the system to earn money is what I may have to do.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 26, 2019 22:30:04 GMT 10
I am feeling like I don't have any choice but to do what I don't want to do, like I am being forced to go back to work when I don't want to, it is just like being forced to go to school, get up out of bed early and go to a place I hated all day every day, fuck that. Its so unfair I am being put in this position again, I don't want to do it, I don't want to go to work when I cant see anything out their for me any more. It is just going back on my journey and my feelings wont let me even go to an interview now, it repels me, just the thought of it, I cant fucking do it, I don't want to do it. I hated doing what I didn't want to do as a child, it ruined my life having my will taken every day and now I feel it is happening all over again; and I feel that same feeling of my choice being taken and being forced into going to work. I am fucking dreading it and I cant even see it, getting up early to go to a job I don't want to do every day, it is soul destroying, just the thought of it. There is nothing I want to do, it is all against truth and love, it is all in rebellion but then so am I so maybe I need to be a part of it still because it is the truth of how in rebellion I still am but I don't know! I am so confused. I am in a mess about this.
This feels just like my parents still forcing me to go to school against my will, this is all against my will, I don't want to go, I don't want to be made to go and its so unfair that I am in a system that demands I go, that system being my parents still making me do what I don't want to.
Now I am an adult but I am not, I still am that child doing what she is told to avoid the bad consequences if she doesn't. I am still under the threat of my parents, they still control me and I still feel the same fear of not doing what the say, the bad stuff that will happen to me if I don't do as they say, the trouble I will get into. Shit I wish I didn't care, I wish I wasn't so scared about the bad consequences of deciding to follow my feelings and doing what I want to do. They have such a strong hold on me still. I can hear them telling me to get a job, pay my way, keep my safety around me by paying my way in life, I wish I was able to trust my self more but I am not, I only trusted my parents, so I did what they said; and I still am. I fucking hate myself for being so weak and useless and scared, I hate myself for being so pathetic and reliant on my parents, I am fucking useless on my own, I still need them for everything, I need them to tell me what to do, then I will be safe. I wasn't taught to trust myself and my feelings, I was taught to deny them and do everything my parents told me to do and in my head, they are telling me to get a job and pay my way but in my heart it is telling me to follow my feelings and do what I want to do. its so fucking hard, I feel so torn, I am so scared to follow my feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 26, 2019 22:44:52 GMT 10
I feel so angry that I have to do this on my own, no help, no man to take the pressure off. Trevor has helped me all that is capable of doing but it isn't regular or stable enough to rely on. I am on my own and with that comment comes the feeling that it has always been like that for me, I have to get myself out of my own shit, no one is going to help me or is even interested. It is the same with my healing, no one has come being interested in hearing me or listening to me, I have had to do it all myself and this isn't any different. I am so sick of it, the struggle of going it alone all the time. It is tiring, exhausting and I feel like I am dragging myself along as no one will help me and I have to keep it all to myself, no one is interested and this is all because this is just how it was for me as a child, it has always been this way for me so I have had to think ahead and work it all out, be in control so I can constantly save myself, no one is going to catch me, they will let me fall and then walk away as I have nothing else to offer them. Fuck it all, I am so tired so maybe now I have to go under, sink, lose it all. Easy to say and I get it but I am so scared to let go and see what happens to me, it is the biggest risk of my life.
I feel around December my money runs out, then what! I am shit scared, I cant express how scared I am feeling as the thought of losing everything could be my reality and I feel inbetween the two worlds - My Healing world and the world of Rebellion.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 28, 2019 3:40:38 GMT 10
I have the worst neck pain, I cant move properly and I am so fucked off at this non ending pain.
"Please Mother and Father help me find the truth of this pain, what the fuck do you want me to know about my fucked up self NOW!!!!"
Shit I am so pissed off, pain after pain and this is what I denied in me as a child, I now know it is true. I did such a good job on denying my pain. Now it is right in my fucking face! I am angry, I am typing angry!! I always was angry but wasn't allowed to express it, I had to pretend I wasn't angry, I wasn't allowed to be angry. I want to fucking scream at the frustration of not being able to express my anger, the rage I feel and I wish I could type it but I cant, there are much to many 'Fucks' and 'Cunts' because I don't know what else to say to get it out. I am so fucking, cunting angry, so twisted with rage and not being allowed to express how I feel. Fuck them for making me into a good girl when inside I was bad and rotten and in so much pain because I couldn't vent my rage, I had to be a good girl.
My neck pain is fucking me off, making me feel that rage and anger at finding it so hard to express it, allowing myself to let it out, being a good parent to myself.
My neck is so stiff, so stoic if you get what I mean, stiff and not moving, not being free as it wants to be, as I want to be, I was never allowed to be myself and express my pain. This neck ache is stopping me do what I want to do, stopping me move freely as I want to, I can only go as far as it will let me and that is exactly how it was with my parents, I was only as free as they would let me be, I had to lie to do what I wanted, to get my own way. They wouldn't be happy if they knew what I was up to, they wouldn't approve, they would interfere and stop me just like my neck is doing and I fee fucking angry at being so contained by them, not free, just like my neck.
I can only express my self as far as they would let me or approve of. I had to know what my limits were with them and not go beyond that and it is so controlling, like my neck controlling me, stopping me doing what I want to do. I am scared to move to much because I will get shocked with the sudden pain. I don't want to hurt myself so I stay in the restrictions of my pain, I know how far I am allowed to go with it, with my parents. I am angry at not being allowed to be my full self, do the stuff I want to do, I cant, I am not allowed, I will get in to much trouble if they find out so I stop. I can only go as far as they let me. I am restricted by their boundaries, by my pains boundaries. If I do what I want to do the pain will be to much for me to bare, I wont be able to cope with it and it was the same with my parents, I couldn't bare the pain of them being angry with me, it felt so devastating to feel their unlovingness. I had to keep them loving me and being happy with me, that way I felt safe.
My neck feels so stiff when I try to move to the left, I have to move my whole body instead of just my head. I feel like a robot, moving so stiffly, doing the will of my pain, obeying it. Fuck I am so frustrated with it all, so fed up with the relentless pain from my own body and from my children, it is all coming at me, all the time there is something and I feel bogged down by it all. It was like this at home, always pain and problems, mum and dad never having any money and being deceitful in life because of it. I can remember it all, always owing money and I would wish they could be normal parents with an ideal life, like my friends. It was so overwhelming to hear them and their troubles. I am so scared of being like that.
My neck hurts so much, it is so stiff and I can hardly move it to look around, I wont be able to drive like this. I cant so anything, that is how I have been feeling, like I cant do anything in life, I am to scared to do anything because of how it will make me feel, to much fear and pain. I am scared to move my neck in case I do any more harm to myself, I am scared of the pain, I am so fucking scared of pain, I am scared of doing anything in life because of the pain I might feel.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 28, 2019 5:01:12 GMT 10
I am literally feeling my pain moving around under my skin since my last post an hour ago. It is amazing and weird. I can move my head to the left side now and the pain is easing off but to feel this moving feeling under my skin is weird but also soothing. The pain is not as bad and it has moved to the back of my neck, I am finding it a bit hard to tilt my head backwards. It is easing off I am glad to say.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 28, 2019 18:43:27 GMT 10
In the shower this morning and I could hardly hold myself up, I am awful right now. I got out of the shower and just let myself fall in the heap that I feel I am. I couldn't get up so stayed there. I can relate to this feeling, it is the truth of how I have always felt but had to push through it, deny it, not let it in, keep on going smashing through all of my bad feelings, staying strong and not letting anyone see the real me, the broken me. Me, crumpled up on the floor is the real me, it always has been and I cant and don't want to deny it any more. I don't want to pretend I am any other way than the fucked being that I am. Everything hurts, inside and out, all I can do is sit on my couch, I feel like I have nothing left in me I am so weak.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 29, 2019 19:42:40 GMT 10
Today I am feeling the shock that my childhood was nothing like I lived it, I lived it all in denial of the truth of how it really was for me and only now am I connecting with that truth. I thought it was alright, ok, quite good really but my feelings were telling me the truth and I wouldn't listen to them. I was in so much pain but wouldn't let it have a voice, denying it all and pushing it away as my being stupid and mum would often say to me that I was being silly or stupid when I voiced my pain so I thought she was right and didn't bring it up. I am in shock at how much I denied and it was all still inside of me making me ill, sick as a child and so ill as an adult, never feeling well and at the moment I am waking up every day feeling ill. This is how I felt most of the time in my life and I just thought I was a sickly person, always going to be ill like some people are in life. I was one of them, ill all the time, a hypochondriac, mum used to say to me "Stop being a Hypo" shit, where do you go from there?? not even having your mum to confide in about how shit you are feeling, it makes it a very lonely life for a child and adult, no one ever listening to you.
I feel really sorry for myself, poor me not having anyone to confide in about how I feel and I still haven't, if I did I wouldn't be putting it all on here. It is just the same for me now as it was then. I grew to feel silly about my feelings, they were a weakness, me being soft and pathetic instead of the strong girl my parents wanted, I was a worry to them so I kept it all in as to make them feel bad but I was dying inside, that didn't matter though. They never seemed to be concerned about me, sitting down with me and wanting to know about how I was. I am always sitting with my children and talking about how they feel, even though they don't want to do their healing yet, I have made expressing our feelings a normal thing and it readies them for the day when they may want to do it fully. They both know how important expressing feeling is, they have both felt the release of it but my parents never were interested in me. It would have never occurred to them that they were being bad parents, they thought and still do think they were the best parents to us because they provided us with what they thought was love and protection, bringing us up to be good people but the truth is all four of us are fucked because of their parenting and it is so obvious how bad we are but the other three wont see it, they think I am mentally ill being like I am in my healing. My sister came over from Australia lately and she asked me if I believed that she loved me, I responded that I was certain she didn't and she was devastated at this. After this she emailed me and said that she thought she should not see me again as she was 'stirring me up'. I didn't know what she meant by that, I wasn't stirred up at all because I knew the truth, now she has gone back to Aus and she keeps trying to do things to make me feel her love for me, telling me that I am her darling sister and it makes me feel quite sick to be honest because I know it cant be true, we weren't parented like that, we were never told we were the darling children of our parents, its all just her fears of not feeling loved, she has to prove it to me but she doesn't at all, I don't mind and I would much rather the truth. She feels like she has to love us all because she was made to be like that with mum and dad, she had to love them and show it and now she feels she has to be like that with every one. She has to be the one that LOVES!! that was her job to make my parents feel loved and it is too much responsibility to put on a child 'as our first daughter and child YOU will LOVE us above all else' its to much and now she cant take it when I say I don't believe her love for me, it crushed her, that was her one job and she has failed, it means she is no longer loved in my parents eyes, she has failed the task they gave to her at conception 'You will love us'. Shit its all to fucking much of a demand.
I don't want to be loved by anyone, that is how I feel right now, its not real or true so fuck off with your love. I just want truth! I want you to say to me 'No I don't love you, I cant love you' that would be so good to hear because that is how I have always felt, I don't want to hear how loved I am and always have been, its fucking bullshit and it repels me. Tell me the truth, that is all I have ever wanted to hear 'I don't love you, I cant love you, I don't have love in me to give' stop the bollocks. I feel like screaming with it all. I don't feel love in me, I don't feel love inside of me, I am dumb to feeling loved, it is all words to me with no feeling just as it was for me as a child. I cant feel it or give it.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 29, 2019 19:58:38 GMT 10
If I felt loved I wouldn't be hurting myself constantly, abusing myself, treating myself so unlovingly. I can only treat myself how I was treated as a child and by the way I treat myself as an adult, I cans see the truth of how I was parented, if any of that makes any sense. I was taught to not love myself and I have done a fucking great job of it, I am fucked as fucked as I was as a child. I treat myself as unlovingly as I was treated as a child. I hate myself as I was hated, I despise myself as I was despised, I don't look after myself just as I wasn't looked after. I have spent all my life making myself do things to look after myself, good healthy diets, good hair, make up, gyms, all the usual bollocks but that has all gone and all that is left is the truth of why I did all of those things, so I didn't have to feel the pain of the truth of how I wasn't looked after or truly loved and when this truth comes into the light and you begin living that truth all the falseness drops away, all those things I used to do to pretend I was something I wasn't, leave, and the truth is left and it is ugly and shocking and very dark. Its a fucking risk doing this healing, you risk not being loved as you become the truth that every one wants to deny, you become the walking truth and no one wants to know it or you, they want you to keep them in their fantasies, they want you to still be that fantasy because it makes them feel good about themselves. For my parents to look upon me like this, I can feel their horror as I am no longer their pretty, well polished girl, I am the opposite and it kills them. I am bringing it home to the just how they parented me, to look at me is to look upon the truth of their unloving parenting and on some level they know it.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 29, 2019 20:17:51 GMT 10
I can only treat myself as I was treated and all the pretend good treatment of myself has gone and I am left with the truth, the bad treatment of myself, I want to see the truth of how it was for me as a child and how I was really treated. I stuff myself with chocolate and shit like that where as I wouldn't have touched it before, I wanted to stay skinny so lived on diets to make sure I was loved by everyone if I looked good. That has all gone now, I am being the truth of how unloved I was, I have put weight on and I hate myself because I don't feel anyone will love me or want me like this and it is the truth, no one likes me like this but it is the truth of how much I hate myself, of how much I was taught to deny myself and my pain. I can only know the truth by being it and I feel so against myself, hating myself so much but these feelings were always there underneath the pretty, skinny girl, dreading ever being the truth and being so rejected for being it, now I am there, now I am being the very thing I have dreaded being, hating myself fully, being ashamed of myself for not being perfect and acceptable to society and my parents. They taught me that unless I was perfect, I wouldn't be loved and accepted and that scares the shit out of me, I am ashamed of myself just as they are and always have been. I haven't put loads of weight on but enough for mum to tell me that I have let myself go and she disapproves of how I am looking so the whole world disapproves of me and I feel scared to go out, scared of anyone seeing me because I am not perfect to my parents.
Any one who knew me before wouldn't recognise me as I was always perfectly made up, great hair, cloths, good figure, I was acceptable to everyone but to see me now, it would be a shock as I am stripped back to the truth of my pain. There is nothing of that girl left as all I want now is to be the truth and heal all the pain I feel from being that. I have to be it to heal it.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 29, 2019 21:23:04 GMT 10
Every time I write like this I understand more about how it was for me. It all seems so much clearer. I can see that my life now is just how it was back in my childhood and it is all so clear. I can know the truth of my childhood through how I am now, how I feel. It is no different really. I can see that I use food as something to look forward to, its my excitement, to know \I have chocolate in the fridge is exciting, its a good thing, something to look forward to because food was my excitement as a child. At school I would hate my lessons but look forward to break time and dinner so I could have my yummy food and treats from the tuck shop and when I was younger, having the sponges after my school dinner, it was something to look forward to, something nice and I still feel like that. Even after my dinner I want something sweet to look forward to, a treat for eating the horrible bit, my dinner. Now as an adult I can have it when ever I want, all day if I want but I have my parents controlling me still, I can feel them telling me 'NO' so I hold back, ration myself, they are still controlling me. I can say 'Yes' to myself where as they said 'No'. I am not controlled any more but really I am, they are still in me telling me NO!
I constantly want something to look forward to because I am so bored with life and food is my excitement in all the boredom. I was a bored child constantly looking for excitement so I created fantasies of such an excited life I would have, to get away from this boredom and mundane life with my parents, My life was going to be nothing like theirs in my fantasies. My life has always come back to how it was at home with them and anything I did was only to escape being like them, but I am like them and my healing has brought me right back down to that boredom of my childhood and the fantasies I created to escape the truth. I wanted excitement all the time and tried to create a life that would be exciting but the most exciting thing in my life now is knowing I have some chocolate in the fridge, it gives me a little spark inside, a little rush of excitement. I have it, then its gone and I am back down to my boredom, just like it was at home.
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Post by samantha9 on Sept 30, 2019 1:31:13 GMT 10
I have been hearing the quiet voice of the Indwelling Spirit of God talking to me in my despair. Its My Mothers voice I am hearing, a female voice confirming all I am feeling, telling me what I already know is true but giving me that confirmation which helps me so much. She told me that I don't care or love myself because that is the truth of how it was with my parents. She has confirmed it all in her quiet loving way. I cant care or love myself any more than my parents did so the truth is, they didn't because I am treating myself without any care or love, this is the truth of how I was parented and Mother has confirmed that as a truth, I felt it solidify in me today and with that came the voice of Mother.
Today, finally I feel that truth is so grounded in me that there is no doubt in me as to how I was parented without the care and love I needed, I am being the living proof of that now I have stopped being the false parent created me, the Sam they felt they could love. I am now being the cold hard truth of my unloving childhood and today, that has became the clearest truth in me. I feel good about knowing and feeling it as a truth, I am being it, living it as all my falseness drops away and today I felt it as the complete truth. It feels so good to know it is the truth and I am being it, finally, I feel it, finally I know it is the truth. I cant care for myself any more than they did and it isn't a lot! This unloving being I am now being, is the truth, I cant be any other way and if I am then I am being it with my mind, making myself be a lie, better than I really am, it isn't the truth. I am the truth, this hateful, uncaring , unloving being is the truth of my childhood, this is how it was. This is the truth my parents have denied to themselves and to me but I always felt it, I always knew something was wrong.
I am the living truth of their unloving parenting, my children are the living truth of my unloving and uncaring parenting and it is horrific to watch them bring that truth to me every day, the truth of what my unloving parenting has done to them. I see it all, they don't so much and to see it as I do, as a evil, unloving, uncaring parent is torturous. I feel like I am having my nose rubbed in it every day as I watch them hurting themselves because that is the truth of the way I hurt them. Now I have to watch it all and fee the consequences of my unloving parenting.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 1, 2019 3:10:22 GMT 10
I have been feeling the pain and terror of being cut out of my parents life like I didn't exist, I was there, around them living a family life but I wasn't seen, its hard to describe. I felt like I was just an observer in my family life, watching it all going on around me like I was invisible, in it but not of it. As I was feeling my way through this pain the sudden and shocking memories came to me of how I treated my own children in the same way, I had them, they were there in my life but I didn't connect with them emotionally, it could only be the same as my own childhood and the devastation of what I have done has really hit me today. I was under the illusion that I was a good mum just as my parents believe they had been but shit, the truth is crippling. I was a fucking awful parent and I have been in bits today as all of the memories come flooding back to me like a film of my time with them and what I did. It is so awful to watch it. To see myself in this way, to see the truth of how I parented my children, I cant put words to how sad I feel for them, so much sorrow and pity for them having me as a parent, and they think I was such a great mum, even now my son wont hear me say anything to the contrary and I wish he was pen to hear the truth but he isn't and I cant interfere with that.
I watch this film strip that is continuously playing in my mind and I can see the pictures of me with them and it is just like a real film and it wont stop, even now as I write this I am seeing more of how I was. I can hardly bare to watch it but it is there in me and it wont stop.
I am feeling so devastated today, I am feeling like I want to say to my children that I am so sorry for how I have been with them, how selfish I am and was, always putting myself first, having power over them like I was some sort of boss, like I was God. I can hardly bare to be with myself right now, I feel like I want to die, it all hurts so much. I have done the damage to them and I cant fix it for them, I can see how it has effected them and the terrible ways they treat themselves, which is just normal living, but I see it as abuse, its all so anti them, so unloving as my son tattoo's his whole body so there is none of him left, covering up the real him that I didn't want, killing it off and hiding it under ink so it no longer exists, killing the boy that I rejected and now he is rejecting himself, getting rid of that boy and covering it over with pictures, with the only bit of power he feels he has, to do what he likes with his body, deny that poor little boy I rejected ever existed. He has created a fantasy, a façade covering for his body to deny who he really is, as I denied him. It fucking kills me to see it all going on with them both in their different ways, but its all my doing, all the consequences of my unloving parenting of them. Every thing they do is rubbing my face in what I have done to them and they have no idea really that what they are doing is the results of how unloved they feel, trying to deny it and pretend it isn't so. I see it and it hurts to see what I have done.
There is no pain like this, my own healing is so hard and at times unbearable but this, its absolute fucking torture, words cant express how I am feeling as I see more of what I have done to them. I just saw another scene from my life and it was when me and my son went to get some balloons blown up with Helium for my friends little boys birthday, they were Thomas the Tank ones. My son was holding two of them and he let them go, he was only six. I was so furious that I screamed at him, I hated him right there and then, he had ruined everything and I can see it as clear as it was happening right now. How I scared him, to see his little face as I screamed at him because all I was wanting was for my friend to be so happy with me at buying these balloons and now it was all over, no surprise and all of my good feelings I needed to get from her, gone, as I watched the balloons fly up and up. I was a fucking horrible cow, I see my anger on that day and my sons fear of me and confusion at why I was so angry, he must have been terrified, he was.
I cant stop seeing these things I have done, I cant stop it running in my mind of the awful unloving ways I have treated my two children. I wish I could go back and change it all. I feel like its ok feeling s devastated now about it all but it means nothing because I have done it, I have been that awful Mother and harmed my children and nothing I do now can change that for them.
I have just felt my Angels impressing on me this is them showing me this film of my parenting, they want me to see it as it was and they want me to watch it as an observer so that I get to feel it as if I was there again and it was just happening. They want me to see this, the truth of how it was, how I was made to be this unloving, uncaring Mother. All the little things I have done to my children in the name of 'Parenting'. How it has affected my children is irreversible.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 6, 2019 6:14:48 GMT 10
I am so scared of myself, it is like I am the one who I have to be scared of, I am not to trust myself as it will all go wrong and I will end up in pain. I am bad, I am the enemy, it is all me and this has come from my parents making me believe I am the problem, not them, never them. I am the one who I have to beware of, I will hurt me. I am scared of myself, of every feeling and sensation I get, I go into shock with each new sensation, it is going to be bad, even kill me.
I went out and dropped my daughter into town and all the way I was scared and I know I have always felt like this, I have known it but shrugged it off, denied it, stop being stupid Sam! I am so fucking scared about going out in case something bad happens to me, in case I feel ill and no one is there to save me, there is no where to go, no safe place for me, it is all so scary out there and all I want is my mum, she will make it all alright and I am being that person to my kids, making it all alright for them so they don't have to suffer like I have, I want to save them but I cant, if they go out into the world, they will feel pain like I did and they have to feel the pain because I put it in them, my unloving parenting hurt them both and life will do all it can to make them aware of the truth of that pain until one day, they get it.
I feel so scared and that fear is now coming out and slapping me in the face, I cant push it away any more because every time I do, everything brings to me the truth and that is I AM FUCKING SCARED OF EVERYTHING INCLUDING MYSELF!!!! I am so scared of my feelings and what sensation might come up next, a feeling in any part of my physical body that is not normal and I am going straight to terror, something really bad is wrong with me so I have noticed I am now getting weird feelings more often that trigger my fear of something being wrong with me and I am so scared of there being something wrong with me, something so bad it could kill me.
Today I got a weird feeling in my throat, like a burning feeling and I couldn't speak without coughing, it was like dust in my throat and I couldn't clear it so I started to go into panic, 'What is wrong with me, has something poisoned me, is something melting my throat away, am I going to die like this, is this it for me, how bad is it going to get, how painful will it be, shit what is happening, it wont go, I feel awful, my throat is burning out, I am going to die, this is so weird and I don't know what is happening to me'. I felt so weird, in shock as my throat burnt in that moment I really didn't know what was happening to me and I realise that I spent most of my childhood like that, in a state of confusion and shock as I never knew what was going on, I couldn't trust myself to know any truth, I needed someone to tell me. I couldn't trust my feelings, didn't think they were of any importance and should be banished but once I stopped panicking I realised that by going to my feelings they were telling me this is what I always did, panicked at any feelings, felt they were bad, the enemy and must be denied and not felt so I am still shit scared of my feelings, that is the truth. I have always wanted to escape from my feelings, run away from them in my fight or flight panic attacks instead of running into them and listening to all they have to tell me about my self.
Yes, I am scared of myself, I cant trust my body not to scare me, I don't know what it will do to me next and how scared it will make me. I am scared of myself and I cant escape from myself and I never would have felt like this if I felt safe and loved from my conception, I would have felt safe and brave in my own skin but I don't, I feel terrified being me. I am so alone and that is terrifying.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 6, 2019 9:46:49 GMT 10
I feel awful, my throat is raw, my face aches and I am in bed feeling so shit. I feel the dread in me of getting ill. The pain and feeling so bad that I cant move or do anything. Feeling so weak and pathetic and out of control as illness grabs me to do what it wants with me. I feel like I just cant be bothered, I cant do anything about it, if I am going to be ill then I will have to give in to it. I cant be bothered with all of the bad feelings, I am so tired and exhausted. I worry about how bad it might get fo me, how much pain I will feel, how controlled I will be by it.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 11, 2019 5:33:55 GMT 10
Feeling even deeper into the devastation of what I have done to my children and I have to stress I was not an abusive Mother, I was just a normal mum who thought she loved her children but the truth of my healing has showed me otherwise. My children are constantly showing me what I have done to them and they don't really know what I am going on about, but I do!!
My Son is very sensitive, as I was, he feels everything and today as we walked through town he said he felt like being sick, he felt so anxious just being there, with all the people, feeling like they were coming at him and he cant escape them. He feels the same attack as I do, of course he does, he has taken it all on from me. This is awful, to know what I have done to them in my blind parenting of them both. My Son wants to live another way, he knows he cant live like this but doesn't know what else there is out there for him, he feels his life is doomed to an existence of pain if he carries on as he is, he wants another way but he is not willing to let me tell him about there being another way. He is not wanting to accept God or any mention of it. I can go so far with him in his expression of his feelings but if I do anything against his will, if I was to push him, I would have blown it with him. He would shut down and I would feel the shift, I would have just lost him so I have to be very careful how far I go, only as far as he wants to. To see him in so much pain is fucking torture and I have done this to him, I am to blame. I didn't realise what I was doing, I had no idea I was being such a terrible parent, it all happened by default from my own parents, and so back it goes.
I am feeling hopeless to help him, all I can do is to listen and let him pour it out, how bad he is feeling, how he doesn't fit in this world because he didn't fit in with me and his father with us telling what to do, who to be, how to go about life and us, telling him in our fucked up states and him being so innocent, we should have looked to him on how to be, not expecting him to be like us pair of fucked up idiots. To say sorry to him/them feels so pathetic, so empty, so useless and pointless, a waste of breath, it wont change anything as far as his pain goes. I feel like I have put all of the pain into him and walked away, left him with it to suffer and deal with it because we are all on our own with the pain. I feel like I have given him a death sentence, that is how it feels, like there is no hope for him and I know that is how he feels, I have doomed him to a life of struggle and pain and I feel so hopeless.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 11, 2019 22:38:45 GMT 10
Today I have been feeling the truth of my inpatients. I have always been the same, everything has to be finished NOW, or as soon as possible because I cant wait for the end result, I have to see it finished and sometimes that has led me to cut corners to get it done, find the quick way or a short cut and it never works and today as I was feeling about it all the times this had happened came to me, a flood of memories and the consequences of my imaptients. This impatients has led me to act rash and make wrong decisions that have had bad outcomes and after the act I had wished I had not done it and just waited. Why am I like it? Why cant I wait? I want it all now! I have to see it finished and done with. I feel I need to know that it is alright, all good and how it is supposed to be, that there is nothing wrong and the quicker I get it finished or done, the better I can feel about it, I will know the outcome. It is all a part of my controlling patterns to have to be inn control and know the ending, get the job done so a good future can begin, things can change for the better and I can only be sure of that when I have finished what I need to do. I have such a feeling in me to get it right so some good can come of what ever I am doing. I need the feelings of satisfaction, being a good girl, getting good feedback, having done the job well, I need it to be all good so I can feel good about myself.
If I could only wait and let things happen as they are meant to, not with me making them happen to speed things up, it is so controlling, I am so controlling and I cant help being this way. I control everything because I need a good outcome, I am so afraid of it all going wrong and fucking up and feeling so bad about myself, so powerless. I want it all done now, I want it all over and all good and that makes me impatient and rush to get things done so it will all be alright and I don't have to worry. If I wait or leave something it might not happen the way I want it to and I will feel bad, I want to see results now. Fuck I feel so hopeless, like I am never going to be any different from this. It all seems like there is so much in me to heal and I am so fucked up that I am a lost cause, there is just to much to me, coming from every direction for me to see the truth of how I am and I am so truly fucked. I am feeling impatient for my healing to be over so I can see the results of who I really am. I am impatient about everything, I want it all now. Waiting makes me feel anxious as it might not happen and what a let down and disappointment that will be for me, I had to wait as a child, wait for everything and it never happened for me, I never got what I was waiting for unless I made it happen myself and I can remember as a child talking to my friend about how I couldn't wait to be an adult and then there would be no more waiting, I could do everything I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without waiting for my parents say so. I was such a frustrated child and I can only be the same now, as an adult, impatient and frustrated to have things the way I want them without having to do as my parents say; and wait as if I have to do that, it wont happen for me.
Yes this is the truth of why I feel so impatient and it all goes back to my childhood and being told to "Wait Sam, be patient".
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 12, 2019 19:35:29 GMT 10
I don't feel any sort of Love for myself at all!!! I feel deeper into my hate and disgust for myself, I am full of shame and rejection for who I am. It is the hardest thing to be 'IT', to be all of your yuk and hate, to be every thing you hate about yourself, shit it is so awful and this morning I am talking to Mother and Father telling them how much I despise myself being the truth of my denial. Being everything I wanted to hide from myself and everyone around me and now I have to be it!!! I am being it, it has just happened the more I have expressed my feelings, the more I have stopped being the false me and the true me has come out and I fucking hate it, I hate it all, its all fucking disgusting and vile, I hate myself so much today. Not having any of my filters on, just being the truth of everything I hate about myself and never wanted to be, shit I worked so hard to keep all of that shit away and now, I am being it and I hate it, now I know why I wanted to keep it away, so I didn't have to feel like this. So I didn't have to feel the truth of how much I hated myself so I lived the lie of me and slapped it on every day like I was an actor in a great production and every day I had to get ready for it, no wonder actors are so fucked living a lie for a living, its enough to turn you fucking mental.
I hate the fucking weight I have gained but I can see that this is the truth of me and this is what I worked so hard at keeping away so I would be loved, wanted and accepted. If I was who I am now, the truth of my pain, no one would want me. I cant believe I am this truth, this is the truth of me and it is funny but it doesn't take any maintenance, that is a great thing and I have only just felt that, in writing it I have felt that is really good. I don't have to do anything to be me, I don't have to put on make up, colour my hair, work out, do weird diets ever living day of my life, buy nice cloths etc, I don't have to do anything to be the truth of me, its not hard work at all, that is a good thing but I still hate it, I hate how I look now and I hate how I feel but that hate has been in me all along and has been the driving force behind all of my denial and wanting to be a false me and all of that began with my parenting and having to be the best I could be to be loved and please my parents, so they could be so proud of me, they don't like me like this, I know they don't and that is why I have done it all, all the façade was just to be loved by them, be as they want me to be so I could feel loved, liked, wanted.
I cant even bare to look at myself in the mirror all I see is hate and it hurts, it hurts to see what I truly am and be reminded of how much I hate myself when I used to look in the mirror and be so proud of my great figure, great hair and makeup but none of it was real, it was all the denial of the feelings I am feeling now, being like this. Fuck I hate myself so much today.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 15, 2019 8:51:09 GMT 10
My Son and I had a good cry together tonight as he told me everything he is feeling, all of his terror and social anxiety, it is no different to mine and we went right back to his childhood and dug and dug at it until he realised he has always felt like this and been this scared. He began to recall times in his childhood when he felt completely abandoned by me and his father and the fear is still that same fear every time he leaves his front door.
Tonight it all came to a head, he was at breaking point so I went over to his place and we talked and cried it out and I have never felt so bad in all my life as I see what I have done to him. His fear is mine and I have put it into him, everything he was saying to me, I have been through and felt. You can not imagine the guilt and devastation I feel as I see him in such a state of despair. He told me he thinks about suicide a lot and it brought back the times I would think about it. I didn't tell him that he mustn't do it or anything like that I totally understood what he was telling me, I know that feeling and just let him tell me of how many times he has looked at a knife and wanted to do it. I understand, the pain is so bad you just want it to end and I told him that.
As we talked we began to unravel the roots of why he is feeling like this and going back to those childhood places within him and talking about all the times he felt abandoned by me and I listened and agreed with him. I told him he was right to feel abandoned because his feelings are telling him the truth of how I parented him, so alone and lost and abandoned that he wants to end it all, no longer exist just as he didn't exist as a child. To have to have this talk with your child is the toughest thing you will ever do, seeing the pain you have inflicted on your children, there is no torture like it as you watch a grown man cry like a child in your arms and all you can say is how sorry you are and feel so pathetic doing it, it isn't enough!! Sorry isn't enough, there isn't anything you can say, the deed has been done and their lives are the result of how unloved they feel and felt as children.
I have ruined my Sons life with my unloving parenting and the very perpetrator of this crime is me, his Mother and as I heal myself of my own unloving childhood, I now have to watch the consequences of what my unloving parenting has done to my Son, all of which was done to me. The pain of seeing him so crushed by life, not wanting to be a part of it, not wanting to be in it, not feeling he can survive in it because of the attack and rejection he feels dee inside his soul and every aspect of his life is showing him that this is the truth. This is what I have done to him as he drinks it away or softens it with weed just so he can cope one more day in this world. Fuck, I have done this to him, drove him to needing to numb himself out of this world and all it makes him feel, all the ways it reminds him of how abandoned he was/is. I have done this.
He cried more than I have ever seen him cry before as I held him and I didn't want to let him go, my heart feels like it is dying at what I have done, there is no pain like this. I did what many Mothers do every day with their children, I was a pretty normal parent, a loving Mother, so I thought but since I began my healing I have seen that 'Normal' is wrong and doing so much damage. I worked and sent him of to childminders or his Nan's but he wanted to be with me and I knew that. I decided to put my business and my life before him, I abandoned him when he needed me most and now I can see all the little ways that have had such a huge impact on his life, things Mothers do every day and think no more of it but it is hurting their children. If anyone wants to talk to me about any of this, I am open to having that chat because I can see now, I was so blind to my children, I was around but I abandoned them emotionally, they didn't exist to me, they were there but they didn't exist and oh my God does that hurt me to say that. I haven't said it lightly, it is an awful thing to say but it is the truth, I was playing at it all, I was pretending to be a good mum, saying all the things a mum should say but the feelings weren't there, it was all empty words with no feeling, just like it was for me with my parents and I did the fucking same and now my Son feels like he doesn't exist to anyone, not even himself all because he didn't exist to me. Now he is beginning to feel and know the truth of that.
I have ruined life for my Son, all he is feeling is pain and abandonment and that is all life is bringing to him so he can know the truth of how it was for him as a child, how I parented him. He is feeling the truth of the darkness of being unloved and he is terrified of life because he has not been loved, he has not had the security of feeling truly loved so he constantly feels unsafe, as do I. I am my Sons listener, the very one who did this to him now has to listen to what she has done to her son. I have made him feel so unloved that he wants to die and it is all my fault, I did this to him and I cant fix it, I have done the deed and now I have to see and feel the pain of what I have done and no one gets away with it, no parents walks away from their unloving parenting.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 15, 2019 9:02:58 GMT 10
You have no idea how bad I am feeling right now. I have to do my own healing and also deal with the consequences of my own unloving parenting of my children. I am fucked. I feel so totally hopeless to do anything about it. What have I done? I have ruined two peoples lives and that is fucking hard to live with when I see their pain. I feel like a beast, a monster.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 15, 2019 18:45:35 GMT 10
My son has texted me to thank me for our conversation last night. It has helped him to understand why he feels as he does and it is all making sense now. He thought he was going mad with his feelings and thoughts and didn't really connect to where the came from but now he can and he sees his abandonment issues as coming from me and his father when he was young. I don't know where this will go in the future but if he carries on feeing his way through his hurt, pain and anger it will get to a time when he is to angry with me to want to see me but I don't know where he will go with it yet. This will be a good thing, it will be him getting to the truth of his pain and him not wanting to see me any more will be such a good and true place for him but at the moment I am the only one who understands him and I am the only one he can talk to about it all and no one knows what he is going through like I do because I am his pain, my unloving parenting of him caused this pain and it is weird for me to tell him about what an unloving parent I was to him and I want him to know this truth but it is still very weird telling my own son about how useless I was as a Mother and how unloving I was, very weird. If he asks me I will tell him all he wants to know about how I was with him and its a risk, it could mean that he will never want to see me again but for him to begin to know the truth, it is worth it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 20, 2019 20:48:33 GMT 10
I am feeling really bad about myself as I see how I am still rebelling and defaulting against God and everything. It hurts. I feel really bad like a naughty little girl who is going against her parents. I feel so bad. I cant stop it, all I can do is feel about how bad it makes me feel being like this and it feels so fucking bad, I feel so hopeless and useless and I cant see me ever not being like this. This is such a fucking horrible feeling, I know I am doing wrong but I don't know any other way to be but wrong, so wrong in all that I do. I am scared and so frightened and it makes me take things into my own hands to try to change them, it makes me try to control all life and I cant stop being like this and it hurts, it feels so horrible.
I am freaking out about being so close now to having no money that I am applying for the poxyiest of jobs just to get something to bring some money in and I am so fucking scared of losing my council house, if the rent isn't paid and the bills, I lose it all and I am fucking freaking out. I could lose everything and nothing and no one it there to help me, I have nothing in the way of help, it is all down to me and that is how it has always been for me, no fucking help and it is no point asking, I wont get it. So what the fuck do I do, take it all into my own hands as no one is going to help me, I have no help at all and I feel so alone, no one cares and it feels so hopeless. I love being here in my house, it is nothing really but it is my home and I don't want to be chucked out, where would I go, I have no one to put me and my daughter up, no one!!
I am so scared. I look at my bank statement and see nothing coming in but everything going out and it is so close to the bone now and terror keeps running through me. I apply for jobs but no one gets back to me so I apply again an still nothing. I am so scared and the worst thing is all of this feels so bad inside me, so much rebellion against God, I cant trust them to help me, it has always been up to me to help myself. I feel that if I just let it all go and trust God I will be on the streets with nothing, no home, food, warmth NOTHING! I only know how to control, how to go and get it all for myself and this now feels so bad, it is going against God, not trusting them to provide for me but what the fuck are they going to do, let money rain over me like magic, let something amazing happen to me so all my worries are over, no fucking way are they!! that shit happens to others, not to me! I will have to stay fucked up as always and I am so fed up with the struggle of life being so hard, I am so fed up with having to do it all myself because I cant trust anyone else to help me, it wasn't like that for me as a child and it is no different for me now.
I am terrified, really terrified and that terror makes me go against God and take control, it makes me rebel and leave God out of my life thinking they will do nothing for me and only I can fix this, but I cant so I feel I have no one, not even God. I feel abandoned by everyone and it is just me in my little bubble not being connected to anyone. I fucking hate this, I have something huge coming and I can feel it, something so big and it fucking scares the shit out of me. I can feel this wave approaching and I cant stop it, I will lose everything and it is imminent.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 20, 2019 21:08:05 GMT 10
I don't know what to do, I feel like the end is coming and there is nothing after my money runs out, I cant see anything after that. Like it is the end of my life or something. I know its extreme but it is how I am feeling. Just doom.
I wish I was different and could rely on Mother and Father but I cant, I don't believe they will do anything to help me, I don't feel any help from any spirits or Angels, I just cant feel them helping me, shit I am feeling so despondent and angry that I am so alone with all of this, even Harry had gone and left me to get on with it without him, he provided for me and now it is up to me and I am scared, he has been providing for the last 7 years since he died because he left me some money to keep me going but that is all but gone now and it is up to me, No one to look after me at all not even Mother and Father, they are just not there for me. I am so alone with how I feel, being left to get on with it, struggle through on my own and I am so scared. I cant even be looked after by the state benefits because there is nothing wrong with me and I am ready and fit for work so I have to get a job but they don't get back to me, it is brick walls at every turn for me.
It all feels so hopeless, like the universe has blocked me out, I am here but no one sees me, like a ghost! I have disappeared to the world and I even feel like my job applications are not even seen. I don't even want the jobs, I don't want to go back to work so I am going against my own will yet again and it is the fear that makes me do that, oh shit I am so fucking useless and hopeless, I just want to disappear myself and not exist because I feel so fucking useless and the whole situation is hopeless. I feel like the most evil woman on the planet right now as I go against myself and God, I feel so bad doing this, I know I am doing it and I cant do anything else, I feel so trapped in my own evilness and rebellion. I really so feel like the most evil person on the planet and I just want to curl up and die with the despair of how I feel, all so futile and hopeless. I cant see a way out of what I am doing. I keep feeling and feeling, praying and praying to God, the very ones I am denying and it is all so fucked up and so confusing.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 22, 2019 8:23:59 GMT 10
The last few weeks have been insane with my two children, one after the other coming to me with their feelings, fears, nightmares, problems it has been none stop and almost to much for me to cope with as well as my own healing. I feel completely overwhelmed by the bombardment of their feelings firing at me constantly. All I can see is them paying me back for the pain I have caused them, they don't see it like that but I do, I have created this mess and now they are bringing it to me all the time, its like "Look Mum, this is what you have done to us, you will listen and you will hear us, this is how much you have fucked our lives up for us", that is how I feel and see it. If its not one, then its the other, messaging me, calling me, coming in just as I am doing something and it all stops so I can listen to them, I have no time to myself at the moment, it is all taken up with my children's pain and then my pain but what I have done to my children is so huge and so devastating to them and to me. I feel swamped under it all, like I am drowning under the feelings of my children, which are of course my feelings too. It Is all so much, too much for me, I feel like collapsing in a heap under all of the pain I have caused.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 22, 2019 22:51:33 GMT 10
Today I realise that the feelings I am feeling about my children and not being able to cope with all of their feeings coming at me is just how I have always felt about dealing with their feelings, I haven't been able to cope with them, I didn't want to hear them because it was to overwhelming, the truth id to much and I am out of control, I cant do anything about their feelings, I cant fix them so I don't know what to do with them. I have to be able to fix it for them and when I cant, like now and always in fact, I cant do anything about their feelings and that makes me go into a spin, a spiral of panic and catastrophe, I go out of control. This is just the same as how it was for me with my parents, I am being them to my own children and these last two weeks it has all heightened, all the pain and tension as they both have started new jobs and they are both going through so many new and terrifying feelings and I don't know what to do with them, I feel so out of control, I cant fix them just listen to them where as before I would do all I could to not let them feel their feelings, make it all ok! I cant do that now and I feel out of control, like I have to let them fall and I just want to cry constantly as I see that I have done this, this is all my fault, I have led them astray and now they are in so much pain because of me.
I am typing this as I| feel it and as it comes to me so it is all very fast and probably full of mistakes as I mistype but I want to get it all down as it comes to me and I am typing chaotically because I don't want to miss anything.
Yes, I am being flooded with the chaos of being out of control with my own feelings and those of my children, It is to much, I cant cope, I cant fix it and I feel so mad, crazy, confused and insane right now as the overwhelming feelings flood into me about how out of control I feel, letting my children feel this pain is to much for me and now I see so clearly what I have done to them in the name of 'Being a normal parent' doing what every other parent does but it is so bad, it is causing so nuch pain to our children, our parenting is all so wrong. I am seeing the proof of what I have done to them and it is slam in my face, right up in front of me as I sit here all day just waiting for the next text message or call from one of them to tell me how awful the are feeling and they both are so good at it, expressing every thing they feel to me until I am swamped under all of their feelings telling me of the pain I have caused them, "This is what you have done to us Mother, have it back, see how it feels, I hope it drowns you like it is drowning us". Oh God I am so sorry for what I have done, I cant do anything about the misery I have caused them, it was the misery caused to my by my parents, it is all I knew, it was in my by default and I passed that default setting on to you. I have ruined them both.
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