I came across this video today and thought that it was well done. I didn't look into who it is that came out with this to see just how they teach new parenting skills, but am glad to see the evilness of shutting down the child's anger portrayed so well.
Looking through a few more of her videos, I see at the end of this video the "solution" given. There's so much truth leading up to what she says to do for resolving our need to simply FEEL. I believe the latest fad of "personal coaching" that is going on these days is just one more way of stopping people from just feeling their feelings.
Last Edit: Aug 4, 2014 7:48:31 GMT 10 by desire2bme
The ones that put out these videos teach this method of coaching to parents and teachers: "Active Calming: The absolute key for staying in control of yourself and helping to avoid power struggles is active calming. In Conscious Discipline, I call it “being a S.T.A.R.,” which stands for Smile, Take a deep breath, And Relax. Three deep breaths will turn the stress response off in the body. Once you are able to regulate your inner state through deep breathing, you obtain access to the highest centers of your brain. While you are taking these deep breaths, affirm to yourself, “I’m safe. I feel calm. I can handle this.” These words are chosen based on research: They unhook you from the survival center of your brain and plug you into the rational part of your brain. Now you can respond calmly in the face of a power struggle, and access your inner wisdom to come up with solutions rather than entering into the fray. Practice active calming in your life and teach it to your children."
James, The videos are role playing out when a child's anger is being shut down using the scenario of that child bursting into the kitchen where her mother is. The child begins wanting to feel her anger saying "I hate my teacher, I hate my teacher!!!" The different role plays act these ways of of shutting the anger down: 1. Ignore: In this one the mother tried to do the ol' switcheroo of trying to get the child to focus on helping her dry the dishes instead of paying any attention to what the child was needing to express. As the child's anger was dowsed by the mother's manipulation, this scenario ended with the child's face clearly showing she felt the manipulation and she turns away to leave saying "WHATEVER!" (So hard to relay these videos because they so portray all of the emotion that I can't put down in words.) 2. Punish: As the child expresses her hatred this time for her teacher, the mother goes down the road of "I've had it with your mouth. How dare you speak that way...blah, blah, blah." This one ends up with the mother chasing the child out of the room with the knowing the child was heading for a beating. 3. Dismiss: The mother's response to the anger "Ah, honey it doesn't matter. You LOVE your teacher, yeah, you know you do, you LOVE her. And you're good at school, you're a nice person sweetheart. So you just have to remember that...that you're a nice person and you like people." It ends up with mom suggesting a little snack that helps us feel better as she hands over the carton of ice cream to the child with a spoon. 4. Save/rescue: The mother gets all upset and immediately wants to go to bat for the child saying "She (the teacher) is NOT getting away with this, I'm calling her RIGHT NOW!" "You know what? We're taking you out of that school, we are gonna make this better for you, nobody treats my little girl like this!" Mom and child hug profusely. As the child thanks mom, mom looks at her and says "I'm the one that you love. I'm the one that takes care of you." The child, "Mommy you're the best, you're the best." 5. Coach: This is where they demonstrate what I posted here above...The STAR method. When I watched it the first time, I thought they were using another way of showing how NOT to help the child. After taking the child through it's deep breaths, the video portrays that the child calms now enough to be able to share the story with her mother as the mother puts words in the child's mouth about what she needed and what she was thinking as she experienced what happened in the classroom at school. The parent coaches/counsels the child into calmness...like I said, just another way of pulling the plug on the child's feeling expression.
Thank you Desire for writing it all out, I very much appreciate it. And I completely agree with all say, your perceptions and understanding about it all so far as I’m concerned are spot on. It makes me want to puke, I can’t bear anything that is about learning ways to control children. It’s all so evil, I cringe inside, I feel myself shrinking away under the horror of it were I subjected to such shit. It was bad enough being subjected to a mother who just acted on the whim of her own shit, who never took the time to think about any negative repercussions she might have had on me; but as for parents child rearing by leaning disciplinarian procedures - AHHHHHHHH!
It’s all so mind controlling: now James, when you do this, then you do that. When that lady says to you... then you say back to here... YUKKKKKKKK! I am full of such controlling beliefs. I am like an automaton acting them out in every situation. Marion says... and I respond on command with my learned part... And she says, what are you saying that for, that doesn’t apply to this situation, that might be in this situation and she explains it all to me. And fuck I feel stupid, so out of touch, having no clue about how to converse, just a stab in the dark as to what each situation warrants based on my training. Only I had lousy trainers, they couldn’t even do that well, so I am a confused mess.
And to slowly understand how it is all so easy, just ones ongoing expression of all ones feelings, simply reacting to your child as you feel whilst longing for the truth of those feelings. And knowing that slowly as you do your healing you’re getting truer and so less and less negatively affecting your child. You can’t do any more than that.
“The parent coaches/counsels the child into calmness...like I said, just another way of pulling the plug on the child's feeling expression.” Ah fuck why bother, why not just bash it on the head and be done with it. That would be far better for all concerned. “Active Calming - being a S.T.A.R” - you may as well bash yourself on the head too! That aught to calm you down... and out.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!