To Interfere...not the definition of caring
Jun 22, 2014 2:31:24 GMT 10
Post by desire2bme on Jun 22, 2014 2:31:24 GMT 10
in·ter·fere verb \ˌin-tə(r)-ˈfir\
: to become involved in the activities and concerns of other people when your involvement is not wanted
I have been asking about my childhood pain surrounding how emotionally ingrained I still feel - that interfering with others' lives is caring. What came this morning was these words in my mind said in fiery anger and a feeling of disgust with my mother: "Why don't you DO SOMETHING!" And so I write from this place today:
I hate that you let this go on. Why don't you care enough to do something to really change what I have to wake up to every morning? If you cared about me, you would find a way to get me out of this place that makes me feel so crazy. It's your responsibility to change my circumstances, to make me feel safe and you don't. You just keep chasing after him (my dad) when he goes to the bar while I get hauled along with you from bar to bar in the back seat of the car. How many times will we do this before you see it doesn't do any good?! It doesn't change anything to run after him...when we find him, we still can't make him come home or make him stop drinking. And why do we need him anyway? He only causes problems and takes all of your attention and life energy away - energy and attention that is supposed to be for me!
Why do I feel so guilty and ashamed for wanting this attention from you? How do you make me feel for wanting attention and your time? Like I am bad, that I shouldn't need or want it, that I should be beyond having any hopes that I will ever get anything from you. Yes...and that makes me feel so crushed and all I want to do is hide away because I am the one who is disgusting for being so needy...just a big baby. You say without words: "Don't you dare add another weight to my burden. I can not handle one more thing...not one more thing today! Don't even allow your thoughts to go there because those thoughts are also a burden to me. I can feel when you want something from me. Stop wanting anything from me, dammit, stop it!"
But I couldn't stop wanting. And I hated and despised myself for needing anything from her. She made me believe that there was something wrong with me for craving attention from her, for wanting to be mothered. This is murder of my soul. It would be easier to just not have a mother at all, to not be with you ever. You make me feel crazy. I will find my own way to make myself feel safe around you now. I will be "good." I won't need you, but will watch over my little sister. I will keep her company and both of us will be out of your way. Then maybe...just maybe when I show up around you I won't be a burden to you, just maybe I won't see it in your eyes that you are not happy to see me. I will take care of her (my little sister) and relieve your burdens...we will be two less things to take care of in your life. Then maybe your load will be lightened and you will love me.
How come little sister is loved by you and I am not? Why does she make you both (my mom and my dad) smile and not me? How come she is happy like I wish I was? She seems content with how things go and seems to be unaffected when dad gets drunk and comes home and wakes us up. She just easily moves through what ever goes on - so smoothly goes with the flow of what ever craziness is happening while I feel agony and terror. My body shakes here in bed while my little sister kicks me and says "What's the matter with you? Why are you shaking?" Maybe it has to do with not being able to need anyone or anything...this rule I have to abide by within my mother's presence in order to be a "good girl" and possibly one day if I am "good" I will be loved. Yet as much as I am obeying it with all of my will power that I can muster, who I really am...just a little girl who is afraid...does need her. I so need her to put my needs before my dad's but I can't allow myself to let this be known. I would let her down - being a burden - and I will be hated for being the final straw that crushed her, that made her life so heavy that it would kill her...and it would be my fault. And these are the thoughts I hear inside of my mom: "You know how much I have to do to keep things going day to day for this family, how much I have to put up with with your father. Don't you put any weight upon me...especially now! When he comes home like this (drunk), it's all that I can handle. I am so angry at him...so mad that he won't stop drinking and it's up to me to stop him. (My dad's mother blamed my mom for his drinking and so did my dad. As much as she didn't want to believe it was her fault for his drinking, I think she did think it was her job and responsibility to find a way to make him stop.) So let go of me and keep out of my way, child! I am barely keeping my head above water. If you need one thing I will drown. Keep finding some way to make my life easier, to make my load lighter." And all of this that I was picking up from her - how I took on what she never said with words to me - was what how my "role" in life came to be.
By not needing anything from anyone, but being there to lighten another's load when it becomes too heavy to bear...this is what I am for, this is what I do, what a "good girl" does. This is what will keep me from feeling the pain of never being mothered. I will step in and step up to the plate to "help" instead of feeling my own helplessness and despair and fear that if I don't unburden another, they will drown. It's how she (my mom) taught me to show I care about her... to show that I care if she lives or dies. And as much as she was fucking worthless to me as a mother, the little girl in me couldn't stop wanting and needing her to live...somewhere, sometime, some way, I would satisfy her by not being a burden to her and then she would love me.
So what can I help you with? What can I relieve for you? Is it better for you if I do this or if I do that? Oh, you don't like it if I say it this way, with this tone in my voice, then I won't do that. Oh, you don't want me to even talk about this or that at all...that makes you feel upset...then I will stop. I will never bring that topic up again. I'm so sorry, did I make you feel like I was needing something from you? Well no wonder you're mad at me...of course you should be mad...I'm weighting you down. What will help you? Tell me, I am here to make your life easier...and you don't even have to say it with words - just show me by your face or how you move your body and I will pick it up and just know what you want but don't want to ask me for with words. I know how disgusting we all feel for being needy and I will make it easy on you and take care of your needs without you even having to ask for what you want.
And all I have become is someone who is despised anyway for INTERFERING! So very very very FUCKED UP! My childhood is the definition of these words: NO WIN!!!!! And how does that make me feel?! Yes, like I want to die but I can't because that would be the last straw and would kill my mother.
: to become involved in the activities and concerns of other people when your involvement is not wanted
I have been asking about my childhood pain surrounding how emotionally ingrained I still feel - that interfering with others' lives is caring. What came this morning was these words in my mind said in fiery anger and a feeling of disgust with my mother: "Why don't you DO SOMETHING!" And so I write from this place today:
I hate that you let this go on. Why don't you care enough to do something to really change what I have to wake up to every morning? If you cared about me, you would find a way to get me out of this place that makes me feel so crazy. It's your responsibility to change my circumstances, to make me feel safe and you don't. You just keep chasing after him (my dad) when he goes to the bar while I get hauled along with you from bar to bar in the back seat of the car. How many times will we do this before you see it doesn't do any good?! It doesn't change anything to run after him...when we find him, we still can't make him come home or make him stop drinking. And why do we need him anyway? He only causes problems and takes all of your attention and life energy away - energy and attention that is supposed to be for me!
Why do I feel so guilty and ashamed for wanting this attention from you? How do you make me feel for wanting attention and your time? Like I am bad, that I shouldn't need or want it, that I should be beyond having any hopes that I will ever get anything from you. Yes...and that makes me feel so crushed and all I want to do is hide away because I am the one who is disgusting for being so needy...just a big baby. You say without words: "Don't you dare add another weight to my burden. I can not handle one more thing...not one more thing today! Don't even allow your thoughts to go there because those thoughts are also a burden to me. I can feel when you want something from me. Stop wanting anything from me, dammit, stop it!"
But I couldn't stop wanting. And I hated and despised myself for needing anything from her. She made me believe that there was something wrong with me for craving attention from her, for wanting to be mothered. This is murder of my soul. It would be easier to just not have a mother at all, to not be with you ever. You make me feel crazy. I will find my own way to make myself feel safe around you now. I will be "good." I won't need you, but will watch over my little sister. I will keep her company and both of us will be out of your way. Then maybe...just maybe when I show up around you I won't be a burden to you, just maybe I won't see it in your eyes that you are not happy to see me. I will take care of her (my little sister) and relieve your burdens...we will be two less things to take care of in your life. Then maybe your load will be lightened and you will love me.
How come little sister is loved by you and I am not? Why does she make you both (my mom and my dad) smile and not me? How come she is happy like I wish I was? She seems content with how things go and seems to be unaffected when dad gets drunk and comes home and wakes us up. She just easily moves through what ever goes on - so smoothly goes with the flow of what ever craziness is happening while I feel agony and terror. My body shakes here in bed while my little sister kicks me and says "What's the matter with you? Why are you shaking?" Maybe it has to do with not being able to need anyone or anything...this rule I have to abide by within my mother's presence in order to be a "good girl" and possibly one day if I am "good" I will be loved. Yet as much as I am obeying it with all of my will power that I can muster, who I really am...just a little girl who is afraid...does need her. I so need her to put my needs before my dad's but I can't allow myself to let this be known. I would let her down - being a burden - and I will be hated for being the final straw that crushed her, that made her life so heavy that it would kill her...and it would be my fault. And these are the thoughts I hear inside of my mom: "You know how much I have to do to keep things going day to day for this family, how much I have to put up with with your father. Don't you put any weight upon me...especially now! When he comes home like this (drunk), it's all that I can handle. I am so angry at him...so mad that he won't stop drinking and it's up to me to stop him. (My dad's mother blamed my mom for his drinking and so did my dad. As much as she didn't want to believe it was her fault for his drinking, I think she did think it was her job and responsibility to find a way to make him stop.) So let go of me and keep out of my way, child! I am barely keeping my head above water. If you need one thing I will drown. Keep finding some way to make my life easier, to make my load lighter." And all of this that I was picking up from her - how I took on what she never said with words to me - was what how my "role" in life came to be.
By not needing anything from anyone, but being there to lighten another's load when it becomes too heavy to bear...this is what I am for, this is what I do, what a "good girl" does. This is what will keep me from feeling the pain of never being mothered. I will step in and step up to the plate to "help" instead of feeling my own helplessness and despair and fear that if I don't unburden another, they will drown. It's how she (my mom) taught me to show I care about her... to show that I care if she lives or dies. And as much as she was fucking worthless to me as a mother, the little girl in me couldn't stop wanting and needing her to live...somewhere, sometime, some way, I would satisfy her by not being a burden to her and then she would love me.
So what can I help you with? What can I relieve for you? Is it better for you if I do this or if I do that? Oh, you don't like it if I say it this way, with this tone in my voice, then I won't do that. Oh, you don't want me to even talk about this or that at all...that makes you feel upset...then I will stop. I will never bring that topic up again. I'm so sorry, did I make you feel like I was needing something from you? Well no wonder you're mad at me...of course you should be mad...I'm weighting you down. What will help you? Tell me, I am here to make your life easier...and you don't even have to say it with words - just show me by your face or how you move your body and I will pick it up and just know what you want but don't want to ask me for with words. I know how disgusting we all feel for being needy and I will make it easy on you and take care of your needs without you even having to ask for what you want.
And all I have become is someone who is despised anyway for INTERFERING! So very very very FUCKED UP! My childhood is the definition of these words: NO WIN!!!!! And how does that make me feel?! Yes, like I want to die but I can't because that would be the last straw and would kill my mother.
