Speaking with my Mother and Father.

Monday, 16 June 2014

Father, what’s going to happen to us - humanity? We seem hell-bent on destroying ourselves.

Father: I can’t tell you James anymore than Mary and Jesus have said to you. It’s not time yet for you to know, that would only distract you from your healing. Part of your longing to know the future and all that’s happening is what you need to heal - why you want to know such things, and all the feelings involved with such desires need expressing as you seek the truth of them.

Yes, I do that with Marion just about every second day as more bad things happening in the world making me angry. I understand I project onto the world that which I should look to mum and dad for, which I’m getting better at as more of how unlovingly they treated me comes to light - as I feel more unloved by them. But I thought I’d ask You the question - as part of my healing You understand.

Of course James, and why not, as it is all ‘part of your healing’.

But what about our poisoning of the Pacific Ocean with all the radiation from Japan, and all the yuk from everywhere else?

I won’t tell you James, for as I said, it would only distract you from your healing. And should you feel frustrated by My not telling you, then that is what you need to focus on expressing.

I don’t as yet feel frustrated with You, however I sure did feel frustrated with mum and dad for not telling me things and telling me wrong things. I am slowly getting more in touch with those memories and all the anger and misery and frustration they caused me to feel.

What I will say James is simply to reiterate what Mary and Jesus have told you. Humanity is coming up to a significant change, a fulcrum point, from which it will start to ‘turn around’ and end its rebellion. And so it won’t take much imagination for you to understand that it’s going to be a big change - many significant changes that will need to happen. And it has begun and will only accelerate now.

And how will it affect people who are longing for the Divine Love and doing their healing?

They will be looked after. They will feel many bad feelings of course arising from such changes, both changes on the outside in their lives, and changes inside themselves, just as you and Marion have experienced James, and continue to do so. But such changes, although at times exerting great pressure on them, will be all to help them become true to themselves and all they feel. So such seemingly bad things will in fact be good things for them, which they will see as they work through all the trauma that surfaces in them from their early lives bringing the truth to light.
    And such people will understand, once having made a full commitment to their healing, that having begun it in their lives now on Earth, should they not complete it before their death, then their death will simply be another experience that will give rise to many feelings, all to be expressed and the truth sought for. And then in their new spirit lives they will continue working on themselves and all help with be given to them, just as it will be given to them whilst in the physical.

So those of us who understand that we need to do our healing before we’ll ever feel truly happy, will in a way be living in a different ‘dimension’ to the ordinary person.

A different plane might be a better word. Yes, that is what will happen. You will still be of the world but also not of it, as your focus and attention becomes focused increasingly on yourself, your childhood, your relationship with your parents and family, and your current relationships, and with the Mother and Myself in the light of ‘doing your healing’.
    And you will find your values and reasons for living will change, and in some ways you’ll not be able to relate to those people about you who have not decided to work on themselves in such a truth-revealing way, those people who are still intent on living untrue to themselves.
    And you will be lead - guided - into different ways of looking at life, nature, yourselves, the world, and Us. You’ll start to see, and then relate, to life in the way it should be lived, that being, in a true way. And all you will do in the physical will also be preparation for all that awaits you in your spirit lives.

The more I write with You and Mother the more I feel it’s just like writing with another spirit.

Your Mother and I are another Spirit. So you should feel similarities. Only you can also feel that Our relationship is different from that of the spirits you’ve written with.

Yes, much deeper, and I get the feeling of there being a lot, a vast amount, You both are not relating to me with, or not telling me, and I so long to know, and to be with You both.

We understand James, but it’s only the very beginning of your relationship with Us, and you’ve got a long way to go - you’ve not even fully healed yourself of living in rebellion against Us. But once that is done, then things will start to unfold for you and you’ll be brought much deeper into being with Us, you’ll feel much closer to Us.

I keep thinking that because I am speaking with God, I should ask you what life is all about.

But you know what it’s all about James - at least some of it, and enough to keep you busy for the time being. You understand it’s about healing yourself of your rebellion against Us through your feelings, and that’s all you need to know for now. All the rest will come as you grow in truth.

But it all seems so easy speaking with You. Shouldn’t you be saying hugely profound truths through me, so when people read such words they are instantly uplifted because they have ‘read the words of God’. I mean, so many people believe the Bible are Your words, and get such a thrill out of them.

And James, how do you not know that people will also get a thrill out of the words you write. You might be surprised. And besides, as we neither wrote nor said most of the words in the Bible attributed to Us, what is the point of worshipping something that is wrong and only serving to take people further into their rebellion? Your words James are helping to take people out of their rebellious states, and there isn’t anything better than that. And the simpler the better, for then all people will be able to understand. If you talked and wrote using ‘big words’ then only a minority would be able to understand and follow you, and that is not what We want. We want you to be accessible to everyone, so it is better that what you say can be readily understood and easily applied. And as you know, it will be hard enough doing ones healing, so you don’t need to make it even harder for people by writing or saying things they won’t be easily able to understand.
    And truth being truth James is profound no matter when or where one comes across it, or who says it. And all you write is designed to help the individual to uncover the truths of their soul and life and of Us by themselves, all through their own feelings, and you can’t give anyone a greater gift than that. You are offering them the way out of their pain, and a way that will end it all, not just something that will bandaide it and prove to be yet more of the falseness.
    And you will see James, people will tell you of their healing experiences, as they are already beginning to do, and that will only increase, and they will tell you how wonderful it is for them to uncover the truth of themselves through their own feelings and without needing to adhere to any rules, just being free to do it for themselves and in their own way and time. You are offering them the freedom they never got as children from their parents. Their parents taking it away from them. You are giving it back - at least the way for them to take it back from their parents.
    And people will understand that, they will live it, it will be a real thing, and for that they will be very grateful. And their pain will eventually go, and then they will understand what it was all about for them, and their relationship with Us will blossom, and they will be able to ascend the Universe of Universes all the way to Paradise, and there to meet with Us in person. And We are looking forward to meeting you all.
    So James, you and all the people who are currently embracing their healing are a part of the Change. It is happening now, as it’s happening for you and for those people who have come to share their experiences with you on your forum. And it is the real change, the loving change, the expression of such truth-seeking and truth-loving souls. And all the outer world change is just what needs to happen to enable those people who want to live true to have all the healing experiences they will need at this time. So out of the ashes will rise the phoenix - those people doing their healing. So it’s a very significant time in humanity’s evolution. One of those major ‘turning points’, and in fact, the biggest one of all.
    And James, you’ll understand it all in time, you’ll see for yourself through your own healing. It’s difficult for you still presently because of so many bad feelings still surfacing in you, but in time you will come to see it all, and you will understand.

Thank you Father.

It’s all part of your souls growth James. You and Marion working it all out for yourselves through your own endeavours. We’re not telling you anything you’ve not already worked through yourselves, and that is how it should be. Your Mother and I are only putting into words for you in this way, some of what you’ve already touched upon within yourself through your healing. It’s all within you James, it’s all within you all, all that you will need to know and come to understand about yourselves. It’s the way We’ve created you. You are to be able to do it all yourselves. We want you to do it all yourselves. And you’re more than capable of doing it all for yourselves, as trying and difficult as your healing might be.

It’s so hard feeling so alone so much of time. So unloved. And although Marion and I are with each other and helping each other with our healing, as we both feel like shit and feel so alone and unloved most of the time, we’re not much comfort for each other, we’re too pathetic and hopeless. We can’t give the love to each other that each of us wants.

And you’re not meant to James. You are only meant to express all you feel about it all. And of course whilst you’re in denial of truth and love you can’t love, so you can’t love each other. You can only help each other the best you can, which you are doing, and that is all you can do. But you are both growing in truth and that is what you both need, so however you are together, that is helping you both evolve. So on deeper levels, there is love there, but as yet you can’t feel it. When truth comes there is love, and when there is love, so there is also truth. So as you are growing in truth so too you are growing in love, only it’s not yet time for you to start expressing it. That would be too much of a distraction for you as your Mother was telling you. You’d then feel good and use those good feelings to further keep your still-to-be-expressed repressed feelings at bay. So your love from truth needs to be kept on hold, but it’s growing within you as soul-light. And in time, when it will not distract you from your healing, it will start to be expressed. And small amounts of that are currently starting to happen for each of you.

But we want to feel loved - we want to feel good and happy. We’re so tired of feeling so unloved and unhappy all the time.

Understandably James. However it’s not time yet, still there is more for you to see about your anti truth and anti love condition of mind and will. And although you still feel very bad and have felt bad for a long time, still this is all too important, so the love will wait whilst you continue to uncover all the truth We want you to see. And all your bad feelings about not feeling loved and about feeling so bad for so long need to keep being expressed, for they are the way for you to eventually feel the love you want to feel.

You sound like Marion when she’s in one of her ‘being the fountain of truth’ moods.

Because she understands what I am saying, as you do too James. You both do, however I understand you wanted to ask Me to see what I would say about it.

Well you are inspiring me to ask You - are you not! You’re in control of everything.

True, it is as We want you to be.

I can’t write anymore Father, I’m fading out. I will go now.

Goodnight James.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

I hate God and God hates me

This morning I’m back to hating you Mother and Father - really hating You, with all my heart.

We understand James, and as it’s what you are feeling, so that is what is true for you. And it is good that you are allowing yourself to feel such feelings because they are what you are feeling - they are your feelings.

And how do you feel about my hating you Mother and Father?

We want you to hate us James, because that’s how you’re feeling. I don’t feel bad about it, neither does your Father. We understand why you feel you hate Us both, and We support and love you for such feelings.

You’re the ones giving me the feelings. I’m not making them up for myself, like deciding today I will feel I hate God.

True, however it’s still all for you in your personal experience of life and in your personal relationship with Us. And as you have been doing, so you can long for the truth of such feelings and see why you hate Us so much.

I’ve been doing that, speaking with Marion about all I feel.

So tell Me more about what you discussed and how you felt about those things.

I felt I hated you Both for making us be so horrible, me personally, and all people. For making us do such bad things to ourselves and especially to animals and all nature. And I hate that You make me hate being how I am and not loving, with no love at all. I hate that You’ve made me loveless, unable to love, unable to receive love, being the stupid evil nothing person that I feel I am.
    And I felt how stupid it is to hate anyone else as You’re the ones who are making us all be so bad. We are not to blame, we’re only being how You want us to be. We have no say in it, we think we do but we don’t. And I hate that, You making us believe that we do have some say in our lives when we’re completely at Your mercy, completely controlled by You. We live in this stupid Rebellion and yet how much rebelling can we actually do? We can’t completely rebel going off having nothing more to do with You and Father. We don’t have a say, we’re Yours, we’re Your children and will never be free of You. And even though I can’t conceive of being free of You, for what would that mean, existing somehow outside of or in another Gods Creation, still it’s how I have been feeling.
    I feel trapped with You and within my shitty life with You making me feel so bad all the time and with so many bad things always happening to me. And I feel so angry and miserable about that, feeling even more powerless than I already do because how can I ever have more power than You. I can’t, You both will always be there more powerful than I, so I can and will only be always doing what You want me to do, and that sucks, that’s how I feel right now. I want to feel I am completely doing what I want to do, and not always doing what someone else says, all the while deluding myself that I am free and doing as I please.
    So how can I ever know if I am free, truly free, and what does being truly free mean anyway - free to do what You and Father are telling me to do? Free to be my evil yuk self - great. But I can’t be free to be true and loving because You’re not allowing me to, You’re still wanting me to be fucked. But why do You want me to be still so bad? Do You want us to hate You? Do You want to experience being hated? Is that it, that it is all for You, and we’re only in existence for You? But what about for us, that’s just how I felt it was for mum and dad, that I was there only for them, and nothing was for me - I wasn’t there for myself.

It is true James that We do want you to experience feeling hated and unloved and rejected by some of Our creations, and also by Us, even if such experience is solely based on your misguided beliefs. And We do want you to hate Us, as hard as that is for you to understand, because We want you to express and be true to all you feel. Your Father and I want to experience all that love is, and so all that no-love is too. And it is all for Us, how could it be any other way. We are Creating only for Our own pleasure.

And you get pleasure from us hating You, and from making us be so horrible?

Yes, however not the sort of pleasure you’re thinking of. We get pleasure from all that you do, all how you are, even in your wrongness, and even though as you rightly say, We’re the ones making you be wrong. So yes, we gain pleasure in you hating Us, in you rejecting and not loving Us, however it’s the pleasure of a parent who is allowing its child to be as it wants to be. And so whilst you are evil so We do gain pleasure from that, for We know you are fulfilling your soul needs, gaining the experiences We want you to have, so learning through direct experience all about love, and both sides of love, that being love and no-love as you say. We want to fully express Ourselves, and you being our Creations are doing that for Us. We can’t hate you, we can’t destroy you with Our hatred and no love, but through you We can feel and understand what being of hate is.

So we’re nothing more than Your little experiments?

You could look at it that way - feeling-less and devoid of the personal experience you are gaining within it.

In a detached impersonal mental way?

Yes. But We are not detached in this way from you and your feelings, We are them too, We feel all you feel and that’s why We’ve created you. We want to feel life through you, through all our Creations, from the most primitive to the most advanced. And We want to experience all the good and bad feelings. And so to experience all the bad feelings, for they are part of personality, so We need to feel bad, which We do through you.

So You do feel bad?

Yes, We feel bad for you, so bad through extension, and as We have part of our Spirit indwelling you, so there are many other levels upon which We also feel bad as you feel bad. And good as you feel good. But We ourselves personally do not feel bad as We are too loving, We can’t directly feel bad, We only feel love. And there is nothing that happens to Us or can happen to Us that would or could ever make Us feel bad, for We’er in control of everything. And as We weren’t parented unlovingly, so We don’t do things to Ourselves to make Ourselves feel bad.

So You feel bad through us Mother, but surely You don’t like those feelings, so why make us feel them?

Because as I said, it’s all necessary for you and I, for all of us, as we’re all to fully experience all that love is, and so also, all that no love is. We are Personality James, your Heavenly Father and I are Personality of Soul, and personality is very dynamic and complex and revolves around love. But for personally to be fully expressed and so experienced, so we all also need to experience what no love is, what that part of the personality expresses and experiences. And what being subjected to no love does to ones personality.

And so presumably those spirits who have not experienced no love - rebellion - will, like You can do, experience it to some degree through those of us who are in rebellion against You and ourselves - against the truth and love.

Yes. There is the individual personal aspect of all experience, then there is also the collective personal experience, so such spirits (including the Supreme Being) being part of the collective - part of Creation - can do as you say. So many spirits as part of their growth will be involved in rebellion of one form or another, all so they will be able to experience all that Your Father and I experience. We want you all to experience all We experience, so then you will get to know Us as we get to know you. And that really is what true love is all about, why We’ve set things up as they are. And the more you get to know Us, as you get to know yourselves, so the freer you’ll feel, feeling like it’s a nice thing rather than a bad thing that We are providing it all for you and guiding you in each step. And one day you will be so much as We are, so then you will no longer feel like you are little children unable to do anything for yourselves, always needing mum or dad around to help you.

I do feel I want You both - Mum and Dad, around to help me, far more than I feel You are around. I feel such a pathetic little toddler person unable to do anything for myself and so handicapped with fear. I want You both right with me in every step, in person, real people, not way off on Paradise or wherever it is that You are.

Which is right James because you were denied such feelings of love and support from your parents. Had you been given what you needed you’d then not feel you need Us to be so close to you, even preferring to get on with things yourself knowing We are with you but more in the background.

Mother I also hated You both for making us be so grateful to You all the time, grateful for the tinniest little scrap of good feeling that comes, or so grateful that I didn’t feel as bad as I could have felt, that the bad thing wasn’t as bad as it might have been. I feel so pathetic in this too, for why do I have to feel so grateful for such a piddly amount, surely I should have Your love heaped upon me with so many good things happening to me all the time that I can hardly keep up with them. And sure, I would love You and be happy and grateful to you, but surely that’s my birthright, isn’t it? Surely that’s what a child coming into its parents world would naturally expect of them, and not to be continually told off and punished when it doesn’t obey and then made to feel so grateful to mummy and daddy when they are not mean to it, when they do something nice for it once in a while, when mummy and daddy are pleased because it’s doing exactly what they have said it must do.

Of course James you should be showered with love, but that’s not your current experience, is it? It’s not time for that now; it’s time for you to feel what feeling deprived of all love feels like, and being made to be obedient and grateful when the number of lashes are less, this being what your current experience is all about. It’s about how it all makes you feel, all of which as you know is for you to express and uncover the truth of. You are to know if feeling unloved is really a bad thing - does it make you feel good or not. As you know in your confusion, you feel good, grateful, even love, when the number of lashes are less, and so, is this true love; and, so what is true love? This all being what you are to work out for yourselves.

Yeah, I can understand that, as that’s what Marion and I are wrestling with all the time - what really is love, and true love, as You say. And for myself, I have no idea, all what I was led to believe was love and what being loving was has turned out to be not love and is unloving. I felt ‘good’ when mum and dad praised me for being good, for doing as they said, for obeying their commands, and then I thought I felt love for them, but that all sucks now, and fuck them.

Which is what the truth will lead you to James. And you are to see it all for yourselves. There is no point in Our telling you, or even sending Mary and Jesus to simply tell you how you are meant to be, you are find out how you want to be through your feelings; what does truly make you feel good and bad. And there’s only one way you can do that, with your feelings and the truth that arises from them.

But Mother what if my being evil is how I am meant to be forever. That is something I was having to accept this morning. I don’t know if there is love and no evil, really all I’ve known is evil, that is my experience. And so all my believing that there is love and another better state might be wrong, and that really my true state is just always feeling bad. And that by living true to it I just accept it and so get on with feeling bad, not expecting to ever feel good. I believe and so keep hoping I am healing myself of feeling bad, and of being evil, but what if that’s a delusion and my true state is my unloved and unloving negative one. What if there is no ‘other side’ no positive, no being only of love?

Which is as I was saying, what you are to work out for yourself James. And this morning you allowed yourself to be truer to your evilness and unloved state, which is good, what We want you to experience.

Yes, I do understand I have to be true to my untruth, which is why I’m hating You, as that’s all part of it. We are told that You love us - God loves you; You sent Jesus and Mary to tell us that. So then naturally we try to cling onto that, we hope You do, we even make ourselves believe You do, and believe that we feel Your love, even when the Divine Love is flowing into our soul. But then we also naturally put that ahead of our feeling bad, using such beliefs and good love feelings to further block out our bad feelings, all making things only infinitely more difficult for ourselves.

Which is why James you are throwing off all of that interference and getting on with only your feelings at hand, your feelings of the moment - so you feeling unloved and very bad about that. Which in turn leads you to hating Us. You rightly hate Us because you don’t love Us. As you stop pretending you love Us, so you are allowing yourself to feel the truth of what you do feel: that as you are of no love so you don’t love Us, because how can you love Us when you are unloving. You can’t contrive love if you want to be true to your feelings. So you stop yourself making up such love by using your mind to obey your beliefs, beliefs that were not of your own choosing, beliefs imposed on you which you accepted by default.

Well at least I no longer feel scared of You as I hate You. I know You’ll still be there for me, even though You are both fucking me up and making me feel so bad. But I can’t as yet love You for making me be as evil as I am, and for fucking me up to badly. I no longer fear the ‘Wrath of God’ if I dare to say fuck off to You and yell and scream my hated at You. So I can now be truer to my feelings of hatred for You both. And I do hate You, I hate You will all my being.

And how else can you be, as I said, with no love so there is only hate, as you hate that state of feeling no love and feeling so unloved, feeling so rejected, unwanted and uncared about. And by feeling so unhappy about feeling this way, so it’s right and true and natural that you hate the one or ones who are making you feel this way, even if it’s only yourself. And you need to keep expressing such feelings of hatred until there are no more to express, and then see what happens.

And will they come to an end? How I feel right now is I doubt it. I no longer expect them to - at least, that’s what I’m trying to go with. I do still of course hope they will end, but still I am trying to accept that they might not.

It’s not a matter of whether they will come to an end or not James. It’s only for you to be wholly concerned with each feeling as you feel it, and not worrying about or investing any time in trying to work out your future. That is something for you to strive for in each feeling moment as you can. And they might come to an end, they might not, and what does any of that speculation do for you? It does nothing, as that’s all just moving away from yourself. Staying with yourself, staying true to yourself, is staying true and wholly focused in, on and with each feeling-moment. And by being so focused, then it’s only about what you are feeling at that moment, and that is all your life is meant to be about, the rest of it taking care of itself. If you take care of yourself by taking care of your feelings, by allowing yourself to fully feel them all as they come up within you, embracing and speaking about those ones you feel to, all whilst you want to uncover the truth they are to show you, then you won’t have anything to worry about, irrespective of whether you’re feeling good or bad feelings.

But it’s too hard to just allow myself to be sick, to feel such pain, each and every moment of the pain, I don’t want to feel such bad feelings, I don’t want to be in them like You say. Not that I have much choice, unless I try to deny them someway.

You only have to be in them for as long as you need to feel them - express them and uncover their truth, and then they will change. You are not be in them endlessly, however that is for you to find out for yourself through your experiences of them, as you do embrace them, express them and move with them.

That does happen, they do change, but mostly there are too many of them, I can’t stay focused on each one, and overall I feel like shit so much, and that too is almost unbearable to just stay focused on, not that I have much choice about it. And the truer I get to being able to go with my bad feelings the more they seem to come up, and the more painful they are, although many of them have gone as well. I no longer feel bad in many of the ways I did, but I still keep feeling bad, and then just to contradict myself, feel even worse than I did.

All whilst you’re working through the process James of getting to know yourself and so your bad feelings. You were made to feel an awful lot of bad feelings as you were forming, and all of these feelings are part of you, part of your truth, part of the truth of who you are. And they all have to known, fully experienced. So you have to bring them out so you can see how they are part of you. You only partially experienced them as a young child, you couldn’t fully experience them, you didn’t have fully formed circuits to do so, so now as an adult you are completing your experience of them. And part of that is putting them into perspective, understanding how they fit into your life, how they are part of you and why you felt and feel them. Which is all getting to know yourself, the truth of yourself, who you really are, your feelings being far more important than your minds beliefs.

Mother I’m going to have a break, I’ll talk to you later.

Mother how does one love?

You love through your truth James. If you live true to yourself, then you’ll naturally be all-loving. If you are untrue, then you’ll be unloving. When you are true then all that comes into your life that makes you feel good you feel love for and so love, and all that makes you feel good makes you feel loved. You can’t make yourself love James, that’s not possible, it just happens as part of the good personality interaction you have with yourself, other people and creatures, nature as a whole, other spirits and angels, and when in spirit, other beings of Creation, and with Us, your Father and I.

What if we make ourselves be loving as so many people and the mind spirits try to do - as have I tried to do?

It’s ‘false’ love as Mary told you. It’s not love based on truth, it’s love contrived by your mind, so really it’s what you believe love to be, so what you believe it feels like, such beliefs being formed through your early life. So you feel such love as love, but when it doesn’t have the truth at its foundation, such love when the truth is shone upon it, will dissolve away, whereas true love, love coming and being derived from truth, will never fade. It will never vanish into thin air because you will always be of such truth. Only if you were to deny such truth would you then start to falsely create that which you’d call ‘love’.

So we don’t need to do anything to love?

No, not with your mind. Only live true to yourself by honouring and fully respecting all your feelings, as you understand. And when you do, the love will simply be there, another feeling for you to express and keep uncovering the truth of. What you have to try and avoid whilst you’re untrue is clinging onto that which you call love and think (believe) you know love to be, all that’s come about as a result of your anti-love state. And how you avoid it is once again simply living true to your feelings, and in time the truth of such love, whether it is real and true love or love you believe is love but is not true love, will come to light. So if you find yourself trying to love then you should ask yourself why are you having to try. If you believe that you can become more loving by apply or focusing your mind and energy in the right way, then you should stop and ask yourself why am I having to do something to love and feel loved, why don’t I just naturally feel it without having to do anything? And if you feel love, and are loving, then you should fully embrace such feelings longing for the truth of them, longing to see if indeed such feelings do stand the test of time, to stand the light of truth being shone upon them. And give yourself time. There will be times when We through your soul will empower you to feel love and to feel loved. Then We will withdraw such feelings as you progress in your healing and self- and feeling-acceptance. You will need to feel and not feel, be moved about in your feelings, gaining different perceptions about yourself and all you are feeling. So you will possibly feel intense love for some time, then it will come into question, then it might come back, but you may relate to it differently, possibly even more intensely, possibly less. And so on throughout your ascent of truth, but always becoming truer to what and who you really are.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to write like this with you Mother. We have written before but You and Father always felt so far away, like you were God way up there somewhere, but now you feel... well... like you are my Mother. I can even feel love from You, and myself loving You, even whilst I hate you. I am full of such contradictions, so just getting on with them. So, are these good feelings I am having about You from true love?

That is not for me to answer for you James. That’s what you’re uncovering within yourself through such experiences. And yes, We are able to come closer to you now, able to be more personal with you, all because you are becoming more true to yourself.

I can write okay with You and Mary and Jesus and other spirits, alright so far as I am concerned, but I still can’t express myself properly to Marion, always saying wrong words, getting things mixed up, forgetting so much, still not actively engaging and connecting with her, not ensuring I’m getting the right responses from her, and not respecting her in my communication. And I don’t feel love, or much of it anyway, for or from her. And for a long time now I’ve not received any Divine Love in answer to my longing for it.

It’s not time for love yet James, it’s more important for you to stay focused on your bad feelings and your evilness. The love would only get in the way, including your partaking of Our Divine Love. It’s far more important for you to keep recognising how unloved you feel and how unloving you are, as is being shown to you daily in your relationship with Marion. You need to get in touch with all the unloved aspects of yourself, all the feelings you’ve denied and kept repressed, so that’s what’s happening. The love will come from the truth you are growing in later.

So You through my soul can withhold love from me. I had thought that I’d love and feel loved in proportion to my growth of truth.

Yes, We are withholding it. It’s why you keep feeling so empty or vacant as you’ve said, so nothing, even though you know you are growing in truth. The emptiness should be filled by love from your truth, even by a love of the truth you are, but it’s not time yet as I said, it would only delay your healing. And you also need to keep wishing, longing, yearning and strongly desiring to be loved, all so it helps you get more in touch with your lack of love, with the fact that you don’t feel loved, and how bad that makes you feel.

I do feel so empty and flat, with so many bad feelings. I feel like I’m waiting for You to flick the switch in my soul to turn the love on.

It will happen, but not for some time yet James, there is still a lot of experience you need to live in your no-love state. There is all eternity for you to experience love and to feel loved in, but only a very small amount of time for you to feel unloved and devoid of all love. You’ll never have this unloving time again, it’s a one off, so We’re ensuring you make the most of it. We’re ensuring you’re having every possibly experience you can have of it. And by the end of your healing you will not feel like you missed out on one evil and unloving experience - that you’ve had them all.

Well that’s a new way to look at it. Thank you Mother - I’m saying that sarcastically.

And of course it doesn’t feel good James and of course you wish it would all end, and of course even though you might understand intellectually what I am saying, still feeling so bad all the time is not good, feeling unloved is not a nice happy state to be in. However as there is nothing you can do other than keeping on expressing all your bad feelings - anger, misery and hatred being the most up in you currently, so you can only keep feeling bad.

I’m still waking up to what a good job mum and dad did on me. What a good job You and Father are doing on me.

And so you shall until the end of your healing.

Today I was realising more about how much they stopped me from communicating normally with other people, and just how difficult it is being with someone like Marion who is very aware of making the connection in a relationship. I’m anti making it, wanting to be with someone but really just having them around for some sort of company, like having a pet, and then just getting on speaking to myself and not reaching out to make the connection with her.

Because that’s how it was for you James, as you’re also still waking up to understand. It will come to light, it’s all slowly coming up, as it will, as it will for anyone when they are serious about living true and uncovering the truth of themselves for themselves through their feelings.

Mother I would never have dreamed that I’d be able to talk on and on about the same thing for so long, over and over about expressing our feelings, but it always seems like new parts are being added or I’m understanding it more.

You’re relating it to more personally each day you progress in truth. So there is always more to see James, as there will always be more.

Will I ever move beyond my evilness Mother, or will it always be a part of my life even when I’m healed?

It will always be a part of it James, it has to be as it’s your beginning. It will always be a part for you all, because that’s how you are starting out in Creation. You won’t feel bad about it once it’s all been healed, but it will still be part of your life. And it won’t be the last you’ll have to do with evil, there are to be a lot more rebellions and defaults as the next phase of Creation comes into being. All that humanity has expressed and tasted of evil is only a small part of all no-love has to offer. As big as love is, so no-love is as big, and it’s going to be expressed James. However that is all a long way off for you, and such distractions only serve to keep you from your feelings.

I am going off less and less into my mind as I used to. Or perhaps I’m still going off just as much, as Marion would say, but just in different ways, without so much emphasis on certain fantasies.
Anyway, thank you Mother, I’m going now, I’ll speak to you again later.

(Friday, 31 October 2014)

Father, I want to know for myself if I love You and my Mother and if You both love me. I don’t want to believe that You do, all because someone like Jesus says so. I want to know about everything for myself, having realised that all I do know is only what someone else has told me.
    This morning I had a glimpse of possibly knowing and feeling that You do love me. It went beyond or deeper than any of the mental understanding about why You and Mother are subjecting me to such horror. All of my evilness and the worlds wrongness didn’t seem to matter, and I even felt a little of feeling that it was for my own good, that it is all helping me in ways that as yet I don’t understand with my mind, yet can sense or perceive on a deeper feeling level. And I liked these feelings.

It is what you say James, you are coming to the end of your evilness, both you and Marion. And the experiences We’ve been providing you of late are to help you understand that about yourself - what you do truly want; and showing you that you are now capable through your feelings of uncovering the truth of yourself for yourself. This being what you’ve been striving for. And We’re also helping you to complete your understanding of what is has all been about, how your parents unlovingly influenced you and their affect upon you.

This morning Marion said my mother was dangerous, they all knew that, so all they told me about not wanting to upset and antagonise her was to stop her from being angry and causing problems for everyone with her rages. And it wasn’t that she physically hurt me, but she cut through me with her aggressive unloving and unfeeling words. And as any raised voice was unacceptable to Gran, so I was made to believe it was wrong of mum to express her anger and that in some way she was not right in her mind, sort of sick or close to the edge, and of what edge I don’t know - possibly madness? But she wasn’t mad as in losing her mind, she was mad - angry - with everything that didn’t go her way, and everything and everyone had to be there for her and do as she wanted to please her.
    Marion also said it was like she kept me bound to a chair so I couldn’t express myself or do anything for myself, and then she as well as my father and grandparents told me that I was special and good for not complaining and not getting angry or upset, for not being miserable or sad, for not wanting to do anything but stay put in my chair. And that I was somehow a placating influence on mum, looking down on her as if she wasn’t quite right, whereas I was the special and important one they all looked up to. So ‘don’t upset your mother, she’s ill’, but she wasn’t sick, she was mostly healthy, she only had a very loud and hurtful voice and knew how to cuttingly use it. That was sick enough for she sure cut into me and screwed me up.
    And then as part of this, it all coming together for me now understanding mum was actively dangerous to me just as much as dad and Gran, Reg, Ita and Collis were passively damaging to me by not standing up to her and making me go along with her, putting myself aside for her. And I also could see that my writing is part of: ‘You must set the example James for your brother and sister to follow. You are the eldest and they look to you to know what to do’. So I believe the whole world is meant to look to me, everyone being my brother and sister as Jesus says everyone is to him; that I am meant to be the leader all so everyone can express all their feelings, heal themselves, and so no longer need to be angry and get upset and made a fuss and be as mum was. So my mission in life is to stop the world misbehaving, that everyone else is inferior and less important than I am, and so of course they don’t understand, but I have to somehow make them understand, however not by actually doing anything, just by being here, as I couldn’t make Nicholas and Suzi understand as I am really still strapped to my chair. So it’s all in my mind, just a huge fantasy, writing and writing and thinking people will take what I have written and do what I say and look to me as being the important and special one, all fitting in with the Avonal stuff. All whilst truly I’m the passive pathetic one, I can’t do anything at all, whereas everyone else has active lives being able to do all sorts of things. It’s all really sad. I’m a sad case.

All for you to understand James as it’s coming to light through your feelings. For you to understand how heavily controlled you were by your parents and grandparents.

I keep feeling like mum, Gran and Ita were like the Evil women spirits that were constantly speaking to Eve and Adam; whilst the men, dad, Reg and Collis, were the Evil men spirits all in the background telling Eve and Adam to do as the women spirits were saying. The men always telling me to do what the women wanted.

Which is also true James, it is how it is for you, all so you can understand more about the pressures Eve and Adam were subjected to. These pressures from the higher spirits were far harder to deal with and resist than any pressures being presented to them on Earth. And had they managed to stay true and reject the Evil spirits then they’d have easily been able to deal with the local tribes that were causing them difficulties. So you see James, this being what you are also to understand more about as you’re uncovering it within yourself, that most of your difficulties and pressures actually come from the psychic levels, those of the feeling and mental levels, and how they impact upon and affect you spiritually: by destroying your natural ability to grow in truth, by preventing you from expressing yourself, from expressing your feelings and acting upon them, by: ‘doing your feelings’. So that is why you were not so much physically hurt or abused, yet were so controlled by your parents and grandparents, how it was all done more subtly on these inner and higher levels, all of which is far more insidious and hurtful to your soul than damaging just your physical body, and far more difficult to see, relate to and understand. So you keep needing Marion’s more practical approach and connection with her feelings to confront your mind and its control over you, all so you can come to see the truth of just what is going on in your inner mind and feeling levels.

I see what you mean Father, that makes more sense. I was speaking with Doug at the Bushbank the other day and he was telling me about some of the physical abuse he suffered as a child, but of also the good times he enjoyed. And on the surface from the horrific stories he was telling it seemed like he had a much worse upbringing than I had. But then upon later reflection I felt I was in many ways worse off than he is, he can at least function in the world to some extent and is far more his own independent person, unlike me being so dependent on another person so as to know what to do, what is right for me, and even what I should feel.

Which was one of the experiences We are giving you at this time for you to see through the deception, as so many people look only to the physical and don’t give enough credit to the more subtle mental and emotional levels. These levels together with spiritual abuse are far more traumatic and serious than just physical abuse - even though you can’t have only physical abuse without the involvement of these other inner levels.

Father what is spiritual abuse?

It’s how you’re prevented from being the truth that you naturally are. It is a Spirit Rebellion, so really that’s how it affects you all, by preventing you from uncovering the truth of yourself through your feelings - the truth of your spirit, if you like James. However as I said, part of this spiritual abuse, of truth-denial, is to stop you growing spiritually, so you remain fixated on the physical, and so looking at physical abuse as being the more serious form of abuse. But the physical abuse only results from the spiritual abuse, so everyones healing will eventually take them into these higher and inner levels through their feelings.
    Spiritually you were crippled James. You were by rights to have had a full true and pure spiritual life, however all of that was stopped and kept from you. It was all denied making you have to go in other ways to survive on a feeling, mental and spiritual level, all whist seemingly very little abuse or survival difficulties presented themselves to you in the physical. So because you were ‘well looked after’, fed, clothed and housed, because your physical needs seemed like they were properly taken care of, so all the other neglect and abuse was glossed over.

I’ve now seen that my physical needs weren’t actually taken care of as I needed them to be.

That’s right, as your parents were incapable of giving you want you needed on all levels - giving you any love, only giving you a false mind-derived love.

Yes, I see, so the Evil Ones spiritually attacked Eve and Adam, which means, the set about making them change their minds which then interfered with their feelings, which in turn stopped their natural evolution of truth. They corrupted their spirit.

That’s right.

So what we call a psychic attack for example is just another way of looking to the spirits so as to help us deny our repressed feelings.

Yes, the spirits can’t actually attack you as such, they can’t psychically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or even physically attack you, forcing you to do their will. They can only influence you on these levels because you are already influenced on them by your parents and carers, so your patterns are already set, so you actually need the spirits to interfere with you as part of honouring your inherent mind patterns, as you ended up believing that your parents interference was good for you and what you needed.

So all my healing is really about mending the damage done to me on the psychic level.

Yes, all so you can then live true to your true spirit nature, be a true spirit in flesh, be truly spiritual. And being truly spiritual means growing in truth through your feelings.

And not all we attribute to it.

That’s right.

So Father, for Eve and Adam, they could see the spirits and inner and higher realities, that all being part of their physical life, that being before the Fall. But then after the Fall they lost that ability, no longer being able to communicate so easily with the spirits, angels and nature spirits. And so using them as an example, I’ve developed my fantasy world to replace these inner higher worlds of spirit that were lost to me, so adding to more of my confusion about my state of mind.

Yes. And were you parented truly you’d have grown up with a full relationship with spirit, so seeing and communicating with spirits, angels, nature spirits and other universal personalities all whom would have been part of your physical experience even though they themselves would not have been physical. And you’d have had no need of any fantasy life as there wouldn’t be the void of the spirit you are trying to fill. So to divest all your fantasy life is a big job because it was within you on those more subtle levels that your parents and grandparents controlled you the most.

I’ll have to think more about this, but I can see how I’ve been honing in on it slowly.

I’m only telling you what you already know James. I’m only helping you now bring it out of you so you can mentally understand it. On a feelings level you already know it.

Father thank you and I will go now.