Samantha: when you ask the Mother and Father specifically for help, can you describe an example of that - what you do, as in the place, step by step, how you feel, what you think, what do you say to the Mother and Father? Then what happens during the experience - what do you sense and feel, then afterwards. And how long does it take. And are you alone; and is there a better time of the day or night that you do it? Do you have a specific place?
And what about other times through the day or night: do you think about the Mother and Father, long for Their Love, speak with Them, and where and how often?
Wesley: How often to you think about Them - and do you think of Them always as being together or do you relate to one of Them more - and if so, why? And when and where do you think or speak to Them? And do they answer you if you ask Them questions - can you hear their voice, and if so, where exactly inside you do you hear it? And how often and where and when do you long for the Divine Love - and what other sorts of prayers do you say to Them?
Samantha and Wesley: And of course, if you also want to answer questions I have asked the other, please do so.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hi James I had problems logging in didnt take the activation key. I all ways think of the Mother and Father. Before following Divine Love I was only aware of the Father. Feeling the Love. But recently I have been more about our Mother. How I felt so much disappointed that all that time and all my life I never knew to go the her also. But I must say I sensed her through my soul but I myself didnt know her. What a great question because it made me go back many years ago before I was aware of spirituality. I was attracted to this book call the Myst. I bought it and could'nt put it down. I read a chapter or 2 each day. In summary it was about a father having a child in a mystical dangerous land. The wife died giving birth to their child and the father upset left the child with the grandmother. But as the child became older he decided to look for his father. The grandmother new this day would come for the child and let the child go. As the terrain and mountains were very dangerous the pitfalls the child face were tremendous. But through out his journey it seem to have paths set out for him to travel, places for him to rest, even food in certain places that was prepared for him. His journey he was even met with dangerous animals and beast in which some how never got close enough to attack the child. But at the end of the story the reason why he finally made it to finally finding his father was his grandmother secretly following him and helping him with out him being aware. Sort of like my life. My soul being aware of the Mother but not knowing it was her helping me after being rejected by my parents. Now as I am going through my healing I long for the Love a little less because the feeling is so good that I rather have some place in me that will hold it and not just know its available. Right now I am just getting a feeling of the Mother but I would also love to ask her questions. But not to sure how to. Or even what question to ask. So what I am say is feeling her through my feelings and not my mind but really I would love to ask both the Father and the Mother questions.
Hi Wes, what’s the activation key? How I log in, is on the home page of the forum up in the right hand corner it says Welcome Guest. Please Log in or Register. So as you’ve already registered, you click log in. That then takes you to the purple, green and blue Sign In page, asking for your username and password. Then you hit continue and you’re logged in. Isn’t that how it comes up for you?
I’ve found there are two ways we can communicate with the Mother and Father, one via our soul, a more sublime, just sort of knowing feeling They are communicating with you, more through your soul-perceptions. And Mary and Jesus said this sort of communion with Them will happen more once we’ve finished our healing.
And the other way is speaking with Them via our Indwelling Spirit, so through our mind. If you want to give this a go and ask Them questions (once you do have some questions), I find if you write your questions down first, then sit quietly, and when you’re ready once having longed for Their Love, tell Them you want to ask Them some questions - and your first question can be: Is it all right with you my Mother and Father if I ask you some questions?
Then you ask in your mind or ask out loud, and you sort of listen for Them to reply to you. Listen for your ‘inner voice’, They will answer and you can hear them. It’s like They’ll speak to you from deeper inside your mind, and with practice it becomes quite easy to talk with Them (and as you progress in your healing). It is quite easy to do - to hear Them, it’s more like deeper in where your mind is when you speak to yourself in your mind. Say you ask yourself in your mind, what is my favourite colour?, and you answer in your mind: Green. And then, Mother (and you direct your question to Her), what is Your favourite colour? And hopefully She’ll respond in your mind... (I just asked Her and She said: The colour of your soul). Some people try to clear their mind and listen to the empty ‘space’ expecting a separate and loud and clear voice to come out at them, but it’s more that They’ll sound like your own mind speaking to you. And this too sometimes confuses people because they think it’s their mind making up the words. And sometimes it is, but with practice you can sort out the difference between your mind and the Mother and Father speaking with you.
So you might like to start off by asking the Mother a question:
Are You really my Heavenly Mother - Mother? Did You create Me? Why did You create Me? When did You create Me? Did You create my soul first? Why have You incarnated me into evil? What’s that all about? Are You there with my Father? Father can I speak to You too? Have You always been with my Mother? Why did You give me the unloving parents I had? What is one thing my wife can show me about accepting myself and feelings more? Can You please give me one word that I can use to focus more on so as to help me with my healing?
And you can try asking your questions, then writing the answers. Just listen and write the first words that come into your mind. If it’s going to happen either way, you’ll get a feel for it and know ‘where They are within you’, and so can always go there to Them.
It can also help having say your wife ask you questions when you’re in your quiteness, and then you ask the Mother and Father those questions, and tell your wife Their answers.
Also, They might not communicate with you just in words, like how we think and talk. They might give you flashes of insight, pictures, knowings of things. I find this an incredible experience, it’s how telepathy works, but it can be information overload. I was walking on the beach the other day and thought I’ll ‘touch base’ with the Mother and Father, asking Them how I was going in my healing and all about the writing with Mary and Jesus and about you and Samantha; and I’d ask a question, then the pictures and just sort of ‘knowings’ and understanding would come into my mind. And I found myself saying: uh hgh, yes, I see, so... oh yes, right, I get it, and... all right, yes I understand... and what about... yes, sort of like... yes, now I understand... as all They were saying to me flowed into me.
Also I’ve found that for a period of time the Mother would be there with me. Then the Father, and the periods might last a week, a few months or a year or two. I could ask to speak to the other who’d come forward, but They’d tell me it was because I needed the ‘vibration’ and so presence of one or the other more depending on where I was in my healing to do with mum or dad. Then at other times They’d both be there. So it sounds like that’s as you say currently feeling drawn more to your Mother.
So Wes, if you like, give it a go and tell me how you get on - describe what you do. And bear in mind, that it also might not be for you to talk with Them like this, Marion doesn’t want to do it as she only wants to do it all through her feelings, and not be distracted by any mental or mind stuff. And if you make mental contact with Them, as with any of the spirits, you do have to watch you don’t keep going to them in your mind for easy answers to everything, and then neglecting your feelings. I see speaking with Them like this, is more a back up to my feeling focus, all so long as I don’t allow it to take over my bad feeling acceptance and expression.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I feel my Mother and Father to be around me so much more as I am Healing through my feelings since coming to the Forum. I am in amazement of how they give me every situation, thought and feeling for me to experience, knowing what I need to see the truth of for me to heal, it is truly incredible to me and I see it every day. I am growing to be so much more aware of what it is they want me to see that is essential to the clearing out and healing of my soul, they lead me to the revelations whenever I ask for their help, I receive a feeling through my soul and it is them giving me, their child, what I need to heal and grow. At times it is so hard and so constant but it would seem that my life has been orchestrated in a way that allows me to be totally healing focused without any distractions, my life is fully dedicated to my healing and I am free to be able to search the depths that I need to go to to do that. I do my healing as it comes up within me and this could be at any time or in any place which can at times be awkward but I carry a pen and pad with me everywhere so I can record everything that I need to work on, then go home and begin to go back into the feeling of whatever came up. As an example, yesterday I went to Winchester (UK) with Trevor and we went up on the steps of the old Castle and I instantly became overcome with a awful feeling and it followed me saying to Trevor "Wow, I feel like a Princess" then I was given this incredibly awful feeling and it happened on the word "Princess" so I wrote it down and when I got home I expressed it all through writing as this is how I do it although I did express some of how I was feeling to Trevor, I expressed the initial feelings to him nut when I got home I asked My Mother and Father to help me, "Please Mother and Father help me reveal what it is you want me to see, I don't understand why I felt this when I was so happy today". And instantly I received my answers and the answers come up like a volcano, pushing up more and more from the hidden depths of my Soul, all what My Mother and Father want me to know, they help me every bit of the way, showing me more and more of my hidden pain. I just keep asking and asking, I ask as I go to sleep and as I open my eyes "Please Mother and Father help me heal today, show me what it is you want me to know and heal from within my Soul, no matter how bad I want it out of me, I want to be healed" or before I go to sleep I will say "Please Mother and Father show me in my dreams what it is you want me to know, show me what has been hidden so I can be healed, show me in my dreams all you want to reveal to me" I will remember my dream as they will make sure I remember the ones I need to heal me and I will work on, through my feelings, what they have revealed to me. My healing is a time that is so intimate, between My True Parents and Me, I ask for their help and it is never denied. I feel their presence as a comfort when truths are revealed and the unmistakable knowing is a feeling of elation to me, I feel so incredibly happy and free when I have healed a feeling that has been hidden from me but been inside me all my life, making me ill and me not knowing it was that makings me ill. My Mother and Father are showing me the way to lead a soul led life, as it should have been but I was taught to be led by my Mind by my physical parents, my mind was their creation. My trust in my True Mother and Father is growing stronger as they show me the truth of my soul and I am now finding that I am trusting whatever comes next, in whatever way which has been hard after trusting the people that were meant to have loved you. When I ask My Mother and Father to please help me find the truth of my feelings I am always answered and am learning to become more aware of the many feelings I receive from my soul, every one is for me to find the truth of, not one of them is of no use, all given from my soul for me to heal I find it all so incredible, like a miracle. When I am working on my feeling healing with my Mother and Father I write it all down because I have no one to hear me. My Mother and Father are with me all the way when I am writing and I can go to feeling depths that I never knew I had, I only have to ask for them to help me reach the truth and the answer is revealed to me, sometimes very quickly and some feelings are tougher to reach the truth of and take a while to break down because they are so multi faceted, so many aspects to go through to get to the truth and I wont rush it, sometimes my mind is blocking me and I am seeing just how it has had such a strong hold over me all my life, it takes time and at times has felt like a war inside me between my mind(My physical parents creation) against my Soul ( My True Mother and Fathers creation) my mind not wanting to give up its control over me, so much of my feeling healing has been tough but then other times the truth is revealed with amazing ease, its all just so incredible.
I have not as yet really tried to speak to my Mother and Father but feel them as a comfort and such a knowing within me. I will try and see how I go. I have stopped asking for their Divine love at the moment as in the past for many years, I now know that I have received it so as I began to not feel it so much I am now concentrating on healing for the time being, that being my focus and I know they are with me because of the amazing ways they help me reveal the truth.
I feel I want to give you a brief idea of the feelings that arose on my day out yesterday to Winchester. I have only mentioned it above very quickly but feel I would like to go through it a little bit more as it was a very strange and out of the Blue experience that I was shocked at because I was having such a great time and felt this to be such a interruption which my Mother and Father soon pointed out to me when I asked for help, I got so much more as well coming from depths so hidden I was amazed.
Today I felt so weird, and I am so confused as to how I felt, was it Panic was it Excitement, it was such a huge rush of adrenaline that went straight into my heart and scared me, It took my breath away. I was in Winchester with Trevor and the feeling was so instant, I don't think I liked it but I am not to sure, it was overwhelming. I don't know how I feel I am not sure if it was a panic because it wasn't quite the same feeling but it was a strong surge of energy. I am sitting here knowing this feeling was sent to me from my soul wanting it healed so I am paying it full attention, in the past I would have done all I could to try to not feel this, do anything to distract myself from the awful fear but I didn't run, I expressed all I could at the time to Trevor which instantly stopped the fear growing but I really felt like I don't want to be interfered with like this when I am enjoying myself. We went to a castle and as soon as I stood on the steps I said to Trevor, "I'm going to be a Princess" and laughed but as soon as I said the word Princess the feeling rushed in and I was in confusion. Please, Please My Mother and Father help me to find the truth of this confusion, I am asking for your help, I am longing for the truth to be revealed to me, please help me. The trigger word was "Princess" A fairy tale, a fantasy, A lie an untrue identity. All of my untruth came flooding in as soon as I asked my Mother and Father for help. This is what they want me to see today. As a Little girl I always wanted to be the fantasy Princess, always being helpless, alone, needing rescuing, powerless. This was the child my physical parents loved, the princess, the lie that they created and I had to obey the King and Queen. The princess was a lie living a fantasy and one that my parents were so proud of, I was such a good girl, so obedient such a little princess they were very pleased with their creation, their Lie. I believed it all. This helpless damsel in distress is how I had been created by my parents to be, under their reign and control doing their will. Thank you My Mother and Father for your helping me to reveal the truth today of my false, fantasy relationship with my parents and all life. thank you for orchestrating the trip to the castle to bring out the feeling I needed today to heal a little bit more of my soul and thank you for showing me the truth of the word Princess and giving me all the feelings I needed to find my truth of it. The whole experience also showed me how just as I was enjoying myself as a child, I would be interrupted and it would all end so abruptly, my will being over ridden by my Parents when there was something they wanted to do, no regard for me or my wants and needs and having fun, not even a thought given just instantly over, so I would be left unfulfilled and feeling like I don't matter and in anger, but I have to submit and obey them just as my fun was interrupted on our day out so instantly by my mind(Parents) butting in and ending my fun. There has been so many more feelings arisen from this experience, so many aspects that the one experience has revealed which I have been working on today and will continue to do until I am empty and another feeling comes up for healing.
This is how I see my true Mother and Father working with me, orchestrating situations in my life all to bring about the opportunity for me to heal through the truth of my soul, my feelings. I now see everything as communication from them through my soul showing me all I need to heal, I ask and it is given in these miraculous ways.
Yes, all you say is so good. I'm going to write more but I need to re-read it a few times. There are some more difficult healing aspects I've wanted to point out in my writing but as yet haven't because of sounding too conceptual about them and their possibly being too difficult to grasp, but you Sam just do them naturally so I want to use your example to illustrate such points. I feel so thrilled by how it's all going for you. And still not one thing feels odd to me about any of it - far from it!, you just keep confirming all Marion has told me about it all and all I've come to understand through my own experiences.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
How it all comes about for you Sam is so inspiring, it’s so good to read what you write. I can’t wait for the next episode. I can’t tell you how pleased it makes me feel. I’m so excited by it all for you.
I love how you’re so personal being with your Mother and Father: “I feel my Mother and Father”.
“...they give me every situation, thought and feeling for me to experience, knowing what I need to see the truth of for me to heal...” And to be so focused and to see this truth, for it’s true, as They are doing it all the time of course, but when you fully feel and see it through your healing, then you do feel you are moving into step with your soul and with Them. And I love that, it gives me such a good feeling, knowing I’m longer all over the place wandering around in a dazed unconscious fog.
“At times it is so hard and so constant but it would seem that my life has been orchestrated in a way that allows me to be totally healing focused without any distractions, my life is fully dedicated to my healing and I am free to be able to search the depths that I need to go to to do that.” This confirming what Mary and Jesus have said, they we will be given all the help we need should we want to fully commit ourselves to uncover the truth of our soul. The truth will always come and be put first, should we allow it to.
“...then go home and begin to go back into the feeling of whatever came up.” And, “My healing is a time that is so intimate, between My True Parents and Me”. This is terrific how you can do it. As I’ve said to you before, I’ve wondered how people without anyone close to speak about it all might get on - will they even be able to do their healing by themselves, and you’re certainly helping me to see one can. And I appreciate, and it’s helping me in my relationship with my feelings, how special and intimate you feel it is all for you - just you with your feelings and with your Mother and Father. It’s so nice and loving. So personal, and so much giving me the feeling of a child with truly loving and caring parents. You being a loving and caring parent to your child-feelings.
"Please Mother and Father help me reveal what it is you want me to see, I don't understand why I felt this when I was so happy today" ...I just keep asking and asking, I ask as I go to sleep and as I open my eyes "Please Mother and Father help me heal today, show me what it is you want me to know and heal from within my Soul, no matter how bad I want it out of me, I want to be healed" or before I go to sleep I will say "Please Mother and Father show me in my dreams what it is you want me to know, show me what has been hidden so I can be healed, show me in my dreams all you want to reveal to me" I love these prayers. And that you are full-on, wanting it all to come up.
“My trust in my True Mother and Father is growing stronger as they show me the truth of my soul and I am now finding that I am trusting whatever comes next, in whatever way which has been hard after trusting the people that were meant to have loved you.” And “I ask for their help and it is never denied.” A true ascending faith-daughter of Nebadon. That’s the Faith that Jesus said would come to us in his prayer to James Padgett in the Padgett Messages. Faith in ourselves, as much as in the Mother and Father. It’s faith in truth, it’s what truth inspires in us; that we can live true to it and depend and count on it, and that it won’t let us down. Our minds continually let us down because they are founded in untruth, lies and fantasy as you’re revealing Sam. And this: “...and am learning to become more aware of the many feelings I receive from my soul, every one is for me to find the truth of, not one of them is of no use...” It’s great stuff! There’s such beauty in truth, in all you’re saying - can you feel and see it? I’m sure you can. It gives me goose bumps. And it sure is all amazing, miraculous, amazing and exciting.
You said “I have not as yet really tried to speak to my Mother and Father but feel them as a comfort and such a knowing within me. I will try and see how I go.” I’ve always suggested and encouraged people to want to speak with the Mother and Father. But as I said to Wes the other day, I worry and have lately felt a bit apprehensive that people will hook onto it using it as an easy mental way of getting answers to their problems and why they are feelings things, instead of still looking to their feelings and just using speaking directly with the Mother and Father or any spirits or angels only an adjunct to their feelings and healing. However as it’s helped me so much and I love having the mental side as well as the feelings, so I figure I will say, why not, if you want to do it; and then it’s up to the other person as to whether or not they want to use it to further deny their feelings. So I’m interested to see how it goes for you Sam if you do it; and then what you think and feel about it - if it’s something that you do actually need to help you, or if your feelings are enough as Marion’s are for her.
What a terrific and wonderful healing the whole process you went though at the castle. And you seeing the truth of your Princess fairy tale and how you had to obey the King and Queen - I liked that. Then how the whole bad feeling of it all was such an intrusion to a good happy day, and all you then saw about that. And that’s the part I meant in my earlier post about deeper levels of the healing, you being able to have the problem word ‘Princess’ as one part to the experience, and then as well, feeling the intrusion of it. As I was reading it I was so hoping you saw that too, which you did, for I could imagine that really annoying me as that so often happens with my bad feelings ruining things for me, all of whom are mum. And it’s such a good example of the multidimensional aspect of our healing, and of course ourselves. How much is going on on all sorts of levels all the time. And how incredible it is that it’s all within our soul, that it’s all been planned so well in advance by the Mother and Father for us to see such truths about ourselves. For Them to set it all up and orchestrate it all perfectly so we can keep going deeper and deeper into ourselves, seeing all the patterns and how interlocked and interconnected they all are, all coming from these two other people who should have loved us. So often now my healings take me into such levels of psychology and intrigue and all the interconnectedness that in no way could I write such experiences out. It would take a whole book trying to portray and capture something that is a mere couple of sentences spoken between Marion and I, and all the resulting universe of feelings, good and bad, and the truth they bring to light and all the complications of mum verses dad verses Gran, and then how I’ve turned it all on its head trying to assert my false will in it all pretending to be able to get my own way. I’m left flabbergasted, I can hardly grasp it all, and yet it all comes, it’s a couple of hours worth, and I’ve hardly gained some understanding of it all, and then it’s onto the next lot.
Which reminds me Samantha, I am also so much enjoying your enthusiasm for it all. As hard as it is you sound so happy about it all - delighted with it all. I feel like I’m a boring old sod that’s been so thoroughly worked over by my healing that I can hardly raise one small enthusiasm about it anymore - not that I have really had any for it anyway. It’s always felt more like it’s a boring chore I’ve now got to work through, years of ‘doing my healing’, just like it was years ‘you’ve got to go to school’. They ground me down too much. Marion has the light about and within her as you seem to have, her feelings not having been so crushed out of existence and hidden from her, as they have been for me, she just never feeling being able to express them. I was made to turn too far against myself telling myself that I didn’t even feel bad - and really, that I didn’t even feel, period.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Thank you so much for all the supportive feedback James, having You, Wesley and Marion, Mary, Jesus and My Mother and Father supporting me has been invaluable to my healing and sharing the Bad, Very bad and Good feelings with you all.
Last night I tried just closing my eyes and speaking with My Mother and Father. I began by asking them if they were with me and who ever wanted to speak first, go ahead. I then waited and asked again, asking for the help of my Mother and Father when I heard a voice saying "I am here my child" I knew this was my Father but I asked anyway and was answered with "Yes it is me and I want to help you" as the conversation went on the feeling shifted to a deeper level, if I can put it like that, it began to flow and came from a deeper place within me, it settled into a naturalness and I felt so warm, so comforted. I wish I could remember what was said though, I was saying very little but My Father was speaking for a long time it seems. I kept drifting off but still aware of the voice, but I cant remember what was said I was just so relaxed and felt incredible when I went to bed at about oneish feeling wonderful. I felt my Mother their too as the comfort was equal and balanced it felt like they were inside me and around me, everywhere. I loved the feeling I received from this and will build on it, doing it in a bit more of a planned way as last night I was just giving it a go.
Mother and Father I thank you for your never ending Faith and Love for me I thank you for showing me the truth when I ask You show me every minute of every day what I need to know I am no longer blind, I am no longer deaf, I am no longer mute You show me when I am out of harmony with your love I feel the pain and suffering I bring to myself and others I feel my evilness and my unloving state My prayer is to please keep showing me my disharmony Show me the truth of how I am in life Show me the truth of my unloving ways to you and others Leave no stone unturned, I want to see it all The truth of how I am and the errors of my beliefs Expose the Evil that I still Deny and don't want to see Show all this to me Mother and Father Expose me, This is my Prayer, I want to be empty I pray for my Evil to be laid out before me With you, I can do this, You want this for me I want this for me Mother and Father Please Expose me.
Thanks Desire, I am being shown so much and being taken back to so many unloving times through my interactions with others and how I feel about them. Every one that comes into the shop, I am feeling my unloving truth which has made me feel a bit crazy, I am observing myself through my feelings with everyone and as soon as they have gone I am brought to tears because I am being shown the truth of how I feel about them, and the truth is, it aint pretty. I have felt insane and very confused with the truths arising in me today to the point I had to walk around the field and cry to my Mother and Father to help me understand the confusion I was feeling. My mind didn't want me to believe my feelings were true, my mind wanted to tell me "No Sam, don't think about it, put it out of your head, its not true, just stop thinking these awful things, your a nice lovely person". I would have believed that once and totally denied the truth about my Evilness and how unloving I am. I went back to the shop and just wrote and wrote about the truth of my unloving feelings and had to accept it all, all of the unloving truth. My Mother and Father want me to feel the absolute truth and depth of my Evil state and I have found it very painful today to have to finally accept this truth. To have to accept that you are not the nice person you thought you were. And I cant escape or hide the truth that has been revealed to me and my mind knows this and it is trying its hardest to deny it but it isn't working, my feelings are leading the way and this is the truth of them. I am being exactly who I was taught to be, I am being everything my parents are, I am being my Mum and Dad no matter how much I think I have healed myself, I am back at square one and I feel really Crap. I am spending the evening working through my confusion that is bordering on insanity as my mind wants to hold on to the false me, nice me, good me. I have felt this so many time before in my healing when my mind has to give up the ghost, illusion, it sends me into utter confusion, fog, and fear so I have an interesting time ahead of me working through this but I am still so grateful to have the opportunity to heal it no matter how long it takes and I know I will feel the change, it will all be sown to me in my feelings when I interact with people. I have been very shocked by this truth and how intense the unloving feelings have been, something I must have been numb to before and unaware but through my Prayer I have My Mother and Father bringing to me the events and situations I need so that the truth can be revealed, it is all so very amazing and very painful. xx
Post by desire2bme on Aug 14, 2014 12:47:01 GMT 10
As I read your words, Sam, my ears hear a war story. I think of soldiers coming back from doing battle and all that they live with inside from having swallowed all of the emotion during their time in combat. As children we did not sign up for a war, but God knows it is a must for us to participate in being born into this anti-love anti-truth world to learn what truth and love are for REAL. And you are brave to keep looking at and feeling what is being shown you. You speak of the extremity of these emotions that are coming for you to experience...like a machine gun barrage. This is how it was for you...exactly like this, day in day out. That's what keeps on coming back to me in these emotional trenches, the reality of our need to block this shit out until we are ready.
Samantha, the feeling bad about all how you’ve been and all you’ve done is really good. Technically as I understand it, it’s the balancing of the books so to speak, it’s the Law of Compensation operating. We have to feel as bad as we’ve made others feel, which is really only as bad as we already feel - as bad as we were made to feel, because we can’t make others feel other than what we feel. And as we fully acknowledge, accept and express all these bad feelings, allowing ourselves to feel what a horrible person we are, realising and recognising that we are bad, so the Law of Forgiveness comes into play as the truth come, and we forgive ourselves through our self-acceptance that we are as we are because we had no choice in the matter. Yet at the same time also understanding and taking full responsibility for the fact that we made all the choices, be as it were, albeit such choices being made by default - as I said, we having no choice but to make them.
I’d find I’d wake up focused on say one of the girls that came to my Divine Love meditation evenings years ago. And because I’d done some work on myself seeing what a dick I was and had been to her I’d feel so bad about it, having to speak to Marion for days as I was shown through my feelings what an arsehole I had been. And sometimes with Marion’s observation of me and what I said she might say I wasn’t so bad, even though I felt like I should be drawn and quartered, and invariably when I thought, well, I hadn’t been that bad surely, she’d point out yet more stuff about how very bad I’d been, sending me cringing back into my hole having to admit yes she was right. Then years might go by without another thought about that person and then I’d find I was focused on her again, my wanting to ring her up, find her somehow as I’d lost contact with her, hoping I’d bump into her on the street, all so I could apologise to her for being so uncaring, disrespectful and such a prick. But as I couldn’t say anything personally to her, which it wasn’t actually about anyway, as I don’t know if she saw me in the light I felt about myself, all I could do was keep telling Marion how bad I felt, canning myself, allowing myself to feel my deeply hidden self-hatred and how much I secretly despised myself. And of course being in a negative unloving state, it is how I am, and will be right the way through my healing. Yet with more self-love through the acceptance the truth brings, I don’t feel as bad about myself as I did, understanding that was back then, I couldn’t have helped it, but I’m also no longer that person anymore.
I have had to agonise over how I’ve treated other people and nature, and how I’ve treated myself, all just as I was treated. And Marion has helped me accept this about myself, something I resisted for a long time, helping me to understand that it’s okay to be the horrible evil yuk person that I am. And that by being it, in fact nothing bad is going to happen to me. I am it, have been it all the way along, and even that it’s how God has wanted me to be. But of course not thinking along these lines to deny feeling bad about being so bad, but just feeling them too when they arise.
And what a horror it is discovering you are just like your mother and father. I can’t believe how true it is. Daily I see in all the tiniest ways how I am them, how I’ve just absorbed all they were, all of which has had to come to light, and all of which as it has, has made me cringe with the revoltingness of it and my being like them. As much as I want to distance myself from them, finally cast myself adrift, I am intrinsically bound to them - of them, and what a bum that is.
Also I think your prayer and longing is beautiful.
Post by Sam McCabe on Nov 24, 2014 20:11:27 GMT 10
Dear Mother and Father I ask you to hear me and know that I am in the deepest state of grief and repentance for the harm and emotional pain my evilness has caused others, especially women. I know you saw it all and noting could ever be hidden from you and I feel that my denial at the time of the pain I caused has now been felt by me. I have been in such a place of grief because I wanted those women to feel as unloved as I felt by my Father so I put them through it by having affairs with their husbands so they loved and worshipped me above their wives all because I needed to feel my Dads love through these men, it was all a projection and I wanted their wives to feel as unloved by their husbands as I felt by my father. I am ashamed by writing this but I need to feel the shame in this public way, it is the only way I can truly access the deep grief and self judgement by total non-denial in this way and I am full of fear about posting this here and deep shame for others knowing this about me but it is only the denied shame I have always felt and not accessed. I want to tell you Mother and Father that I know and feel the pain I have caused and have spent time in deep releasing of tears over the pain for those women I have harmed and the depth of my evilness which I am only just realising how severe it is. I was 20 at the time and aloud myself to be used in such an unloving way and I grieve for that hurt child that I am and was then, every minute of it was pain and I cannot even explain the blackness I was feeling at the time, so hurt. I have been talking to you Mother and Father and telling you of my repentance for this pain I have caused and have felt in me a beautiful calmness from you which felt like forgiveness as you felt my sincere truth expressed to you, the feeling is hard to write but was deeply felt as love for me from you and me thanking you can never be enough but to feel your forgiveness as I have as a true feeling in me has helped me forgive myself as I have felt the grief to my core as you know, I have done it all with your help, I have not been alone as it was you that brought it up in me after all these years by me actually seeing this man after all of these years, their it began and I knew instantly what you wanted me to heal at a deeper level as I thought I had dealt with it. I have an ever increased faith in you both as you look after me in this way showing me constantly where my denial is, it is truly amazing that you know me like no other parents know their children, you never stop watching over me putting all of my healing infront of me all the time the amazement I feel has no words but you feel me sincere feelings towards you as there are no words.
I have felt absolutely awful with the worst physical pain in my 1st Chakra region. I couldn't move through pain which started a couple of hours after I wrote this, it was agony but the physical pain helped to get me to the core of the emotion. And the Anger I felt towards my Mum and Dad, My Dad for showing us a life of deceit with having affair after affair and then leaving us when I was 16 for a woman and then having a baby. And my Mum for lying to us about his where abouts all of our lives telling us he worked nights and I only found this out at Harrys funeral, by my sister. I felt so angry with my mum for having him back after all this and asking us to never speak of it again, pretend it never happened as he would be angry if we reminded him or brought it up. So disgusting to ask this of us. I brought it all back to them to relive when I was 20 by having an affair with a man who was 38 and I felt total anger at his wife for being just like my mum, so weak in having him back and pretending just the same with her kids, it all happened just the same, just how they taught me.
I have been more ashamed than I have ever been in writing about it on here James, the shame has been a physical pain for me and the pain I have caused. I ask for forgiveness and feel it come in and feel a calmness enter me but it re-emerges so I have to do some more work to get to the core grief of this pain and my unloving behaviour. Shame is so awful, I have just wanted to hide away in shame and I have wrote and wrote about this over the last couple of days and I never want to cause this pain to another one of my brothers or sisters ever again James. I did an act of revenge towards my parents to show them the pain I was in over being so unloved by them and my father rejecting his family to have another family as if we never existed, it made me feel the final pain of not existing to him and when I found his goodbye letter I can still feel the pleasure I felt at his leaving which no one could understand, I was pleased he was gone so I could breathe again without worrying about making him unhappy. But she had him back again and expected us to act as if nothing had happened. I don't even know my little sister and she doesn't know me because we were never aloud to mention it. I feel pain all round James and this will take some work and I am going to deconstruct it all bit by bit.
The shame is crippling James but to feel its depth I have needed to feel all of the humiliation of putting it on here, all my fears about being judged as I was back then. I want it all out of me after all of this time and when I saw him for the first time in years I knew it was time to feel it all but now on this deeper level of feeling healing with the help from my Mother and Father. I feel crushed as I did back then but all I can do is express it all out of me. I truly thought I had dealt with this but not at the grief level that I am accessing now, never has it felt this painful so I know I am touching on it.
I don't feel scared James, not at all. I feel relieved that it has shown itself, that Mother and Father have helped me to face all of the feelings that this experience has created. I am facing so much more truth at a deeper level and am able to grieve at the soul degradation that occurred for me at this time by harming myself and others and being harmed through the unloving teachings of my parents. I understand so much more about my suffering because of this. I have been asking Mary to guide me through James and to keep the truth coming for me to process this and I am feeling my soul expand when ever I have a break through. I truly don't feel alone with any of it and don't want anyone else to take me away from my feelings as they would do if I talked about it to anyone else. I would not be helping myself and I feel that I would be held back by any involvement. I feel so supported by Mary and my Mother and Father that I feel I have all the help I need because as soon as I ask for help It is shown to me.
Sam: “...and don't want anyone else to take me away from my feelings as they would do if I talked about it to anyone else. I would not be helping myself and I feel that I would be held back by any involvement.”
That’s an interesting point, it had not occurred to me that that might be the case but I can see what you mean. Yes, that actually helps me see things from a whole different perspective, that of being by oneself working on oneself, as I’ve not been able to do that, always needing someone in my life to ‘help’ me, and to whom I can be of some ‘help’. And the more I think about it Sam the more it actually appeals to me, being so independent and not wanting any interference from anyone. Today I was taken deeper into my rage about feeling so frigged around by them. I wasn’t left alone to do anything how I wanted to do it. Like shedding the layers of an onion, deeper and deeper, as I’m sure you’re experiencing too from what you said, with the light of understanding brightening each time as if the door or window is been opened wider and wider enabling to see the truth of how it was for me. I was so controlled, controlled to the nth degree. It seems like I wasn’t able to anything without their meddling - NOTHING, which I still find hard to grasp with my mind, but that’s what my feelings are telling me.
And now I also feel I don’t have to worry about you not having anyone to speak to about it all, for I can appreciate how much of a wonderful experience it must been just doing it all with yourself, having only yourself, and needing only yourself, along with the Mother and Father of course. Yes, I am relishing the idea of it now. It’s not for me, but I can appreciate it through you Sam, through the little I know you from what you’ve said. Yes, it gives me good feelings too and I understand now that you’d not be scared, that in fact it is possibly an empowering state to be in, as you are not ‘beholden’ to anyone else, or having to rely on or need or look to them for anything. You’re not needing their say so, their acceptance and approval, you are completely your own person, which is what I so long to be - I so wish I had grown up being that way.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I was also wondering, that pain you said you had in your first charka region, can you tell me more about it, what it felt like and where was it exactly? But if it's too private to talk about, especially on here, I understand. And why I'm asking is because I too have experienced a lot of pain and goings on in my subtle body system. When I ask I don't get much information about what's actually happening, mostly: 'It's adjustments James', which I take as the freeing up of blockages so I can move deeper into myself. Marion doesn't feel anything on the psychic level like this, if that's what one can call it. She is all physical focused. So I'm curious that you referred to it as a charka subtle body location within you, instead of a physical one.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
My first chakra felt as though it was being forced open and it was a similar feeling to wen I was having my first child and I was forced open with forceps. I had to take the weight of my feet because of the feeling of expansion and force. After this sensation I had real physical pain in my pelvic region and had to rest it was so bad. I felt the depth of pain and fear and it brought to me the fact that I fear pain so much, I fear feeling any pain so I had to feel the extent of this experience with out any parent trying to make it all better and take it away for me so that I and they don't have to feel. The pain just alerted me to what needed to be healed from all those years ago, my guilt, fear, anger, shame, sexual injuries and so on, the pain that was still inside my soul being manifested as this pain that occurred after I expressed my shame and guilt.
Hi Sam, I was wondering about how you feel about your healing and all you’ve done so far. Do you feel like it is completely your life now and there is no going back to the ‘old way’? Do you feel like you’ve in some way moved from the ‘normal’ world into a ‘new’ one, and one that is aligned with the Celestials and other spirits doing their healing with the Divine Love? And do you have any feelings about your future in connection with your healing, as in, any idea as to where you might be going with it?
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hi James, Yes, my healing is every moment of my life now and I see an opportunity to heal in every moment, in every event brought to me, there is only one reason why things are happening to me now and that is to bring to me a feeling to connect me to a core injury created in my childhood, my whole life is Soul led. The "Old Way" has gone now for me and the "Old Me" was the me that was created and everyone knew because that was how they wanted me to be and they could depend on that. Now I have none of those people around me and I had a visit at the shop today from my Best friend who I have not seen in two years and we hardly had anything to talk about, well, I didn't, I just let her go on but I had no interest in that world any more, it all felt dead to me, she felt dead, telling me of her neices abortion and how she had regretted her own child being aborted, I just felt the evilness of Child hating people, telling me they love their kids, the ones they decided could live. She showed me how far I have come and she felt it too, there was now nothing there between us. I do feel I have moved into the "New World" living in a "New Way" and I often feel that it is "Me" and then the world, No real place for me in it all any more, not feeling I fit here and none of it matters, it is all so futile the worries of the world we live in. My future is all about emptying myself as much as I can while here on earth, whilst I have the perfect opportunity to heal with the events I need being brought to me. I am asked on a regular basis to help others understand why they are attracting the life they are experiencing and can only help them as from my own experience and by using my own soul development to go by but have many long and in depth discussions with many returning to discuss further, the granary has been great for that. I love sharing this with others that ask, if I can help others come to their own truth then I am happy to talk about it, my real passion is to help Women and I would like to develop this more but then on other days I feel I know nothing and it has all gone and on these days I have to feel those feelings of nothingness and abandonment and then I can release the bad feelings. My passion is my healing James, there is nothing else for me, nothing else has any meaning, only my healing it is all for me to progress to a higher sphere in the spirit world, to be at one with my Mother and Father eventually, I have the perfect chance to clean up NOW, so I can cross over with a greater Soul development to be in a place of greater Love in the spirit world, for me, that is what my whole life is about, this life on Earth being a tiny but so important part of my Soul progression. Its been a gift really, and I am so glad that I get it and wont cross over totally frightened and unaware of whats going on, I want to go on and LIVE, carry on my eternal life progressing in Love understanding it is all about the Soul, the real me, my progression in Love and knowing I am a child of God, perfecting myself with Mother and Fathers Divine Love. The more I can heal myself and improve my soul condition the greater condition of spirit and celestials I will have helping me, its a great incentive to keep going, I want to go to a loving place with loving beings and have this earth experience as a distant but incredible memory. I have within me a real desire to help others when they ask James, I have always felt this, that I am here to help people but never knew in what way and have even questioned myself as to who I think I am to be able to help others but I cant escape the pull. I can even feel the people that will ask me something when they come in and the ones that are not in the slightest interested and when I get into discussions, not a soul comes into the shop which I thank Mother and Father for. When I speak to these women I feel an instant connection to Mary, a connection to her truth which is an incredible feeling for me, she is always their with me like a beautiful supporting Sister, its truly incredible. I feel like I am spreading her truths trough my experience, I hope I am making sense there James. I feel that I have to trust that if I am meant to help anyone then they will come and ask me and that is how I go with it, if they ask I know we have lots to learn from each other and I always learn so much about myself after our conversations through my feelings.