being True to yourself and go deeper

Hi Wes, glad to see you posted okay.

Can you say more about how you felt being left alone in your diapers.  What did you feel then, and how do you feel about it now? And how do you feel your soul - you - were affected by their leaving you alone?  I'd love you to write more such feelings if you can - if you wouldn't mind.

And just being curious: how did you have the experience today - what happened, what were you doing?

Wes, how did you feel after you wrote all that? It was very good. Very bad that you suffered so much, feeling so unloved and so unwanted, but very good being able to accept it and express it as you did.

And what an experience! Can you think if there was anything that led up to having it - what might have triggered it? Had you been thinking anything along those lines, longing for the truth - praying? Had anyone said anything through the day that might have got you thinking? I’m asking because as it happens, this evening Marion and I have been angry about our healing, angry that we feel like we’ve both still got so much repressed shit in us, but which we can’t get to. And we wonder how we ever will. So often I’m taken back in my feelings, feeling like I’m a baby or toddler but it’s all so vague, I have no picture-memories, at best a few words spoken to me by mum or Gran that I’ve seen have created beliefs in my mind which I’ve tried to live, but nothing as extraordinary as the psychic experience you’ve described.

And so it’s obvious from what you and Samantha have said about how your bad feelings emerge and how you express them and see the truth, that possibly our healing is going to be different as to how we all do it. And ideally I’d love this forum to contain examples of the differences, so we can start to get something of an idea of the different ways people will do it.

As I’ve done before, I’ll keep asking you questions that might help you bring up more stuff, but if you’d rather I don’t at any time, just tell me.
    When you’re with your parents, and you say you can’t speak more than five words to them, can you say more about why - why can’t you, and what do you feel about that? And this is what Marion would help me do by helping me to imagine things like: If you were able to speak to your parents, what would you say to them? If you could let all your anger out, what would you want to say? And are you afraid of something you might do or say were you able to just let go and tell them all you’d like to... and if so, what is it you are afraid of; and why are you afraid, do you think?
    And in feeling scared of speaking with them, how does that fear make you feel? And when you feel powerless in their presence, how does feeling that way make you feel?

And you know what you said about treating your past girlfriends badly and wishing you could apologise to them, that reminded me about similar experiences I have through my healing. I call them ‘mocks’, and I’d imagine that I was with my past girlfriends when I felt bad about how I treated them, and I’d try and let my feelings speak to them about how bad I was with them. And I’d find it was quite easy to image being with them, and just letting my mind express all I was feeling to them, saying I was sorry and whatever it was I felt. And over the years as I’ve moved along in myself, other parts of me I’d feel bad about would come up and so I’d be back with the specific girlfriend saying I was sorry or whatever, telling her what a selfish arsehole I was and how I didn’t respect her, and so on.
    And I’ve come to see that for me anyway, this has been part of my settling the Law of Compensation Jesus talks about in the Padgett Messages. I’ve also done it with all the pets I’ve had. So often I’d feel bad about how I treated - mostly neglected, not taking him for as many walks as I should have - our family dog, and I’d imagine speaking to him, telling him I was sorry and how much I wished I’d been a better person to have loved him with all the love he gave me. And my mind just runs on as all the feelings of regret, sorrow, guilt, misery, anger have come up as I tell him how much he did mean to me, but how fucked I was being unable to fully appreciate him. I’ve even said sorry (and cried) to the little turtles and fish I kept as I’ve come to see how cruelly I treated them.
    I did used to feel I should try and see my past girlfriends (and some of the guys I went to school with and had as friends until my healing started in earnest) and say sorry to them, but my feelings never took me that far. So I’ve come to realise that it was all for me to express my guilt and all the rest of my yuk, all that’s helped me see more of why I treated them badly. And if I ever see them again, should I feel to say sorry to them then, at least I’ll know what to say.

Also on anger My last year in college I needed to pass a class to receive my diploma. It came down to 1 test. So I decided to do a all night study session. It was in statistics. As I studied it was very clear to me that it was going to be impossible to pass this next test. So getting to graduation was not happening that year. So I continued to study.So after an hour I started to get really nervous. The next 2 hours I got really ANGRY. I started pulling my hair out walking back and forth sort of like a lion. Then a thought flashed into my head saying to make it easy for yourself and just take the information back to the same formula you had when you were learning multiplication as a child. There was the answer and I understood very well. I used a pattern using music. As I studied the very hard sections I used it. The next day after the test the professor says there one in the class who scored a very high score. Yes it was me a 95. When I thought it was a loosing battle. All due to that feeling of anger. The thing I notice is I lost that energy and force I had when I was younger. So now I'm on the hunt to get it back even asking my Mother and Father to help.

When I was young I was very quiet. My dad just put me into many sports. Baseball, basketball and football. Basically I had no choice at all. I liked basketball not the other 2. Oddly this started me off. I excelled very far ion sports so much that everyone in my town thought a professional career was coming. For me it would be basketball. So much attention was given to me and questions of how do you do this and do that. A gift. No when I used to play I'd always ask how to do it better. For me I asked just to hear the question not directed to anyone in particular. "How can I rise higher to get the basketball before it hits the ground ". Then as questions kept arising I told people it is not me it is someone else. It became very obvious to me I had help and that is all I understood. I always asked questions. I asked myself when my dog had cancer and be put down "why can't I stop crying ". That's what my life was about asking questions. At my lowest point I asked for the Truth. If all the abandment was my fault then let me know.Well that question was to God. I always gotten myself into bad situations it seemed but out I came. With a lot friends and family members around they were talking about God. They asked me what did I think about God? One thing lead to another but all I remember was that I didn't fear God. You should have seen the look on their faces when I claimed that God can't strike me down. I said I prove it "God strike me down right now". And I walked away with a smirk on my face.I had problems because we had to go to church on Sundays. I absolutely hated church. If God had something to do with this than to me he was nothing to fear. Then thoughts started so God never abandoned me. So I wanted to know finally who or what was behind the way I lived. I researched and found Divine Love. Receiving that burning in the chest feeling wasn't enough. There was more going on in my life. I had experienced more sensations than that. So maybe I thought answers will come to all my questions. Like usual good and happy talk about God. To me everyone wants gods love. So why is that such a new revelation. It's not it's preached everywhere and in every religion. Then I made a major mistake and tried to live in denial. Only after following Divine Love. Now trying to be loving. What a lie I started in myself. But what Divine Love did do was give me an affinity for female spirits. Just good vibrations when I concentrate on the names of these spirits. So when I came across The Mother on your site it was easy for me to acknowledge her. On focusing on soul healing it is number 1 in my life because it was my whole entire life and now I know why I went through the things that I did . So I knew my bad feelings wouldn't just leave me I just didn't know what to do with them .

“To me everyone wants gods love. So why is that such a new revelation. It's not it's preached everywhere and in every religion. Then I made a major mistake and tried to live in denial. Only after following Divine Love. Now trying to be loving. What a lie I started in myself. But what Divine Love did do was give me an affinity for female spirits. Just good vibrations when I concentrate on the names of these spirits”

Wes can you please tell me more about this, about the lie: what do you actually mean by that? And how was it a mistake? And how did it change for you, what’s different now to how it was before when you were lying to yourself?

And how did the Divine Love give you the affinity for female spirits? And which female spirits?

“I started using names that started carring vibrations under these feelings. For example if I use the Father OR the Mother, Jesus and Mary M each one would carry a different vibration. Even using my own name I felt a different vibration.”

And these vibrations, how do you feel them, or, what do they feel like - and how does having them make you feel? I’ve not experienced ‘vibrations’ as such before, although I’ve read of other people doing so. And how do they come - do you just think and focus on these personalities or does it come in meditation or prayer... do you meditate or pray? 

Thank you Wes, 
James.

Thank you Wes, you made me feel so good - what you said about how you moved into connecting more with your feelings rather than just staying in your mind controlled place with the Divine Love and the Father.

And you know, I was just reading before I read what you posted, a guy with a lovely looking website which he’d obviously put great time and effort into, and he was talking about how we’re really more than just the physical, more a spirit or a soul - he was still a little confused about that, and then went on about reincarnation and how we’re all to have all these many lives with more experienced people coming back to help lesser experienced ones and all the usual New Age stuff like that. And then I thought, as I could see shades of myself in him before I started my healing, that one day he too will move more into his feelings, just like did, and just like what you said happened to you, and all that reincarnation stuff of the mind will leave him as he comes out of his mind. And then I read what you wrote and it was the perfect example, you saying how with your mind you’d decided it was all about the Father and Divine Love and praying and nothing else, but then you started to come out of your minds control opening up to your feelings because you started acknowledging those pains you had and accepted that things weren’t as right as you wanted to believe they were. So you confirmed from me just what I’d been thinking about this other guy, that one day his aches and pains will overwhelm him too, and to the point that he will have to question all he’s done and see that it’s not actually getting him to where he believes it is.

So thank you for all your posts, they’ve been great to read and so see where you’re coming from.

Ann Rollins was the spirit I was drawn to the most in the Padgett Messages. Some months back I was reading back over some of her messages and could sense how much she is subtly alluding to something else, something deeper, which of course is all about the need to do ones healing and embrace ones bad feelings. It must have been an incredible thing for those Celestials and Helen Padgett to not talk about the healing having been through such an intense and incredible experience as completing ones soul-healing. And to present the messages how Jesus wanted them done, telling us about longing for the Divine Love, but nothing about the more personal deeper levels of connecting with ones repressed childhood. The messages are an artful example of restraint so far as I’m concerned.

Also Wes, a favour I’d like to ask you, have you noticed my latest post on the board ‘ask James’, the thread: I want to ask you... It’s a survey which I’d love you and Samantha (if she reads this) to complete for me. But of course, only if you feel to.

Thank you - James.

I’m sorry Wes, but I couldn’t find the Ann Rollins messages I referred to. I had a quick look at where I thought they were, but I’m going through all the PM’s over Easter so hopefully I find them.

And in the meantime, I hope you don’t mind, but I want to go on a bit as it’s been a harrowing day again for me.

I found one message by Ann that spoke about how the Divine Love will ease ones problems and worries, and that it’s not helpful to keep indulging in your bad feelings, which I agree if one is not longing for the truth of them. But still it’s not helpful so far as we’re concerned trying to go into and allow all our bad feelings to have their say.

I love the Padgett Messages, but looking back over some of them today, again I felt annoyed at how misleading they are about our healing. Jesus and Mary have explained to me about why they had to present them to us like that, all in keeping with the limitations imposed on them by the Rebellion, but still my head aches with the confusion of it all, everything being so difficult.

And my head has been aching like it’s been in a vice all day today, as lots of fear and anger have been coming up about how I took on so many worries, particularly from my grandparents about living in a Depression. I get so anxious when we spend what I think is too much money at any one time, believing that there will never be anymore, the Depression being about to hit at any moment throwing us out on the streets without any food. And then I’ll be forced to starve in some hellish hovel like all the terrible stories of the poor in Ireland, Scotland and England early last century. So I’ve been feeling demented, not knowing whether we should try and save every cent or splurge a little getting some of the things we need.

And this has been tying in with my feeling lately how much the ‘Rebellion Lines’ or ‘Denial Lines’ I’ve inherited from my ancestors are affecting me. And how much these denial lines I’ve inherited are far more insidious, controlling and damaging than the physically inherited parts of me.

And this reminded me of one of Luke’s messages, which I’ve posted on Divine Love Spirituality. These are the pertinent parts below, and I feel as of today I’ve gained a better understanding of what he’s saying.

April 9th, 1916
I am here. Luke. 

It may be asked, in what way can the effect of sin upon a man, that is upon his soul and spirit, have any injurious effect upon the spirit and soul of his child, so that the child may suffer from the sin of the parent. 

Well, when a child is conceived and gestates and is born, he not only partakes of the physical nature of his parents, but also of the qualities and condition of the spirit and soul of the parents.

...it is also true that this spirit and soul of the child is susceptible to and in a way absorbs the influence of the spirit and soul of the parents, not only at the time of conception but also during the period of gestation, and even for years afterwards, and to such an extent that this influence continues beyond the mere earthly existence of the parents and into the life of the progeny to the third and fourth generation, as the text says. 

The spirit part of the child is more susceptible to the influence and evil effects of these sins than is really its physical body...


The influence of spirit upon spirit is more extensive and certain than mortals can possibly conceive of, and the results of that influence are not so apparent or known to the consciousness of the succeeding children, or to the respective parents, as men suppose, and as a fact they do not understand or become conscious of the fact that such influence is operating upon the spiritual parts of their children. They see and realize that the effects of such sins become manifested in the physical body, and as their ordinary natural senses cannot perceive the condition of the spirit, they conclude that the text can only mean, that these sins are visited upon the material bodies of their children. 

But I must tell them that, while great and deplorable injury is inflicted on these material bodies, yet greater and more lasting and more grievous - in the way of manifestations - injury is inflicted upon the spiritual nature of the children...


So let parents know that they do not live to themselves alone as mortals but that their evil thoughts and deeds have a greater or lesser influence upon the spiritual natures of their children, especially at the time of conception and during gestation.


And oh man, could you see the results of these sins upon the spiritual natures of your children, as you often see them upon their material bodies, you would hesitate in your sinning and think, and thinking would see the way by which the great blot upon the happiness and salvation of humanity could be removed and its progress to the "perfect man" be hastened and assured. 

As this past tuesday came we had a funeral for my aunt that was in the church. Let me jump right in and tell what the experience was like in the world of madness. Who's who showed up for her service of honouring and celebrating our aunts life and death. As her husband that was there he had a hallowed look upon his face as he shook our hands as we approach her coffin. As if how was he going to survive without her. Her children sobbing but also shaking hands in celebration to all who showed up. Because as you know the more people the better. Especially for the non church goers who all were in for a lashing after honouring the deceased. Oh how the church goers made certain of us feel good about showing up for her funeral and also seeing us in the church and how what is to be said to be pointed in our faces. Starting out what loving words that was spoken about our aunt. Of course being said by one minister that she was a holy women. And spoken about how she enjoyed serving the lord. I seen how really they wanted to get to what they really wanted to do is have a church service. On and on they spoke about how wonderful a women our aunt was by all these male ministers. Not one female able to speak in this service but sing and dance and praise these so called ministers how convient. Finally as they said all wonderful things about her the real passions were about to be released. I myself was anticipating when the actual funeral will be over and taken over by these sinister ministers. I was difinitely surprise by all the new ministers approaching the pedastle. Some of my cousins and friends were now ministers. What they really wanted to say finally became to skew out. The side of my aunt that they really worship. One ministers words "she was a beautiful women but she owned that side of the isle. Nobody was allowed to take her seat or they will hear that side of her that would put them in there place. We know when she cut that eye at you you know not to upset her". Here we go. Now all the evil started be revealed. All to see how she actually was doing that none of us knew anything about. Loud shouts to the non church goers " are you saved. Im sorry your not unless you lead your life like our aunt. She didnt take anything other than what she considered as serving the lord. I know your not going to like what I got to say but Im going to saying anyway". The church goers standing up in applause as they lashed upon us their real teachings. I was prepared for this type of teaching and also expected it. They were spewing all kinds hyprocracies imaginable. Contradicting everything they said. To me they were just spewing atrocities. Nothing of spirituality but what they considered what was right in their eyes. Who was really their influences. Afer a while the service turned away from the funeral as predicted. The bible was their sword now. And we were the enemy of it.
The children of my aunt was called to speak to really to close this funeral as the climax of it was in order. The three started to speak on her behalf. And what surprise me is there worship of REPRESSION. There proudest moment and what they will always remember of their mom was how they were repressed in their own words. How when they were truly living the way they should their mom would beat them with a switch ( a branch from a tree)and the bible in hand. How this truly help them live right and religously. How childhood repression is the best for the child. The bell rung in my head. The church in their glory. The evil spirits of self-denial growing stronger and stronger in the church. The whole aspect of it here in the church.

Wes, What do you feel scared of by not facing it - what is the worst thing that you feel might happen to you? Can you let your imagination run and see what you come up with - it’s an exercise I guess you could call it, Marion would often get me to do. And it’s always been shocking to see just how scared and of what I have felt - mostly having had no idea.

And do you feel ashamed about running away? Or what other feelings do you feel about that? Can you speak - write - more about your guilt?

And about being ridiculed at school, can you say more about that - how that made you feel?  And when your writing your reply can you ask the Mother and Father to help you to go deeper into it through your feelings so you can uncover more truth about it.

I will log on as a member this weekend. Long day today.