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Post by samantha9 on Jun 17, 2017 21:09:59 GMT 10
My daughter sat down with me last night and started to tell me all she felt. She was telling me about how unloved she feels from everyone in her life, no one cares about her, no one loves her, she is rejected by everyone and always has been. I was so glad to hear this from her, the truth of how she in feeling, how I am feeling. We both were crying throughout out conversation, she was pouring out to me how she felt and I was listening and encouraging her to go on, go deeper and also explaining my part in the cause of how she is feeling. As she was talking it got deeper and more emotional for us both, I kept saying "My God Faye, I am so sorry for what I have done to you" I feel exactly the same as she does. I felt a deeper level of remorse last night as our talking went on, sitting in front of me is an eighteen year old girl that I have damaged and she is telling me exactly what I have done to her, what I have passed on to her, all that was passed on to me.
We exhausted our feelings and Faye said she felt better in some way, lighter. We both went to bed and I prayed to God for forgiveness for the great pains I have created in my children, I feel so hopeless for them as I see what I have done. The pain to see them suffering because of me and I am so, so sorry.
During the night I had three dreams all showing me where the pains that Faye was talking about began in my life, I am working on them as they are all still very fresh in my mind, the people involved, the places, the feelings I felt at the time were all shown to me in these dreams, incredible feelings of humiliation, rejection and pain at being rejected by Men mostly, all of what Faye had been expressing at the rejection of her older sisters, Aunties, family, Boys she liked, her girl friends and how they let her down so much and reject her and are so nasty at times, she says she cant trust anyone in her life to be genuine, true. No one cares about her which is true.
Just being there for her and listening without saying any bullshit like "Ahh it'll be ok, people do love you, I love you, don't worry yourself, don't cry, it'll be better tomorrow, it happens to us all, you'll get over it and so on......" all the bullshit no hope answers that do nothing except say, I don't want to hear you. Just to listen to her and let her get it all out felt like I was doing so much for her, it is how I would have liked to be listened to by my mum. No one wanted to hear me, I just got some dumb answer like "we've all been through it Sam" what the fuck sort of answer is that, it infuriated me to hear that because I knew she didn't want to hear me because she didn't know what to say, she had no answers because she wasn't given any by her dumb arse mum.
I want to hear how bad they feel because it is all in me too, as they cry so can I. I could really feel the depths of Faye's abandonment and rejection and the only person in her life that was her world, left her and never came back, the biggest abandonment of all, her Dad. My biggest abandonment, my dad.
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Post by LOK11 on Jun 17, 2017 22:24:37 GMT 10
So just another quiet night on the sofa hey? Wow Sam, that's huge for you and for Faye.....And then you get your dreams....... I concede I am in awe! I don't think I can even begin to understand what that feels like. One of my children challenges by beliefs and habits regularly and I find that I have no words to offer, but I don't feel quite the same as you describe though. I fear I am not brave enough to look at myself with such a critical eye yet as you seem to be able to do. True listening is very difficult, well I find it difficult anyway, for it is so easy while they speak to you to run away in ones mind with how "I feel" about what they're saying or what my experience was or, as you say, what my parents did to me (or indeed I to my children) rather than stay with them in what they are saying right here, right now and LISTEN. John and I spoke the other evening about this: our latent observations of the damage we have wrought upon our own children and I offered this thought (which I'll share for you to consider): Not necessarily to defend your parents or even your actions as the kids grew up, but, how could we possibly feel any differently if our parents (as you observe) didn't listen, didn't have any training on how to feel or heal to pass on to us, their children. If what I see here is correct, then our children will be the first generation to have (belated) instruction on what we did wrong as parents, our parents did wrong, our society does wrong at that level and what they could choose to change in their lives to avoid these pitfalls. That hasn't existed before this time now as far as I see. I find it interesting that I really feel, as I've written before to James, that, as I read what you guys write, I do want to gift you some feelings of compassion, of support and say similar words to that which you don't want to say to Faye - this will make things better. Getting it out and expressing it does seem to make it feel better. I see you seem to write most of your feelings down rather than express them out loud as James and Marion do. Different stokes for different folks I guess.
I honestly wish you and Faye well with this with as much compassion as I am capable of. I am oft labelled as a narcissist and maybe I am only reading this to see how to make myself better so, with as much altruism as I am capable of:
Thank you again so much for sharing your life and your healing with us here.
So was that loving or unloving parenting you just did?
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 18, 2017 0:52:33 GMT 10
Hi Lokii
Listening isn't easy I agree but I have had to look at why I want to 'Butt in' and not let her finish, or try to gain power by giving all the answers just so I can feel good and like I am superior and so clever, I have had to look at it all because I did that and sometimes still want to but I now see how unloving I am being to someone not to let them have their say and empty out, without me breaking in and telling them how it is, so arrogant and overbearing, just like my mum and dad, constantly knowing better than me. I have had to feel as to why I want to take over and not hear what the other person wants to say, just so I can feel powerful and have power over them. Its so awful and feeling that right now feels so disgusting to me to do that to someone. Now I don't want to so much, last night I just felt I really wanted to give Faye the time she needed to pour it all out, cry it all out with it not being about me but it all being about how Faye feels and getting her to express more openly because she knows she wont be shut down instantly. I just wanted her to go on and on and I was just saying "Yeah I understand you" and just getting her to gain trust in me again after all the years of not being so understanding, with me just being my mum and saying some old shit and feeling what's the point in telling anyone how I feel, no one listens or wants to know, no one cares at all about my pain.
Its a default setting in us to carry it all on forward to the next generation not even conscious or not caring, just being superior parents because we feel so powerless, that the hurt that was done to us we are now doing to our children, that is what we call normal living, we don't even give it a thought, it is just so programmed in us that we just do it without even a thought of how it hurt us as children, so I wont do it to mine, or even if we do think we will treat our children better we still slip into unloving treatment that was done to us, we cant help ourselves, we are our parents. The feelings are hopelessly in us until we want to change, I wanted the truth, to change how I was feeling and being, I wanted so know why I was so scared of living, I wanted answers or I couldn't go on. I could blindly continue with life or dive into my feelings and those feelings have taken me back to the causes of all my pain and being true to them means if I feel I want to blame my parents then I have to be true to that feeling and at first I felt terrible feeling this way about them, I felt sorry for them like I was de-powering them, betraying them, how hurt they would be to know I felt this way, but I could no longer defend and protect them.
Trevor, my friend, said to me that How could I blame them when they were not aware of what they were doing, you cant blame someone if they don't know. But this is about 'ME' and how I feel, if I feel like I have that feeling in me so I have to be true to it, it isn't about them and how they might feel but about how 'I' feel. I invested my whole life in not upsetting them at great detriment to myself, this is about how 'I' feel and if I want to feel blame and hate then I will feel it as I have done. I was very scared about my parents ever finding out how I felt, I had lied to them all my life by never telling them the truth, but one day the opportunity occurred and it was the perfect time and I was terrified and that was how I started the conversation with them by saying, when my dad asked how I was I said "I am terrified dad, terrified to have this conversation with you both". That was the first time my dad ever found out one of his children was afraid of him, as afraid as he was of his own dad, terrified and he said he had failed as a parent and I said, yes, we all have. The conversation was long and hard but they had noticed changes in me and wanted to know why, so I told them the truth for the first time.
We can say 'How can we blame them, they didn't know what they were doing' but for me, If I have that feeling in me to blame, that cant be denied, its the truth of how I feel, so it can only be felt and healed until I no longer feel that an more. Its not about them but 'ME' and how 'I' feel and the more I felt into my pain the more blame came up in me, the more I saw the truth. They caused this when I was an innocent child and I am not to blame for how I was treated but I am to blame for how I use the pain of that treatment on my own children and others. Children are not to blame and we have to stop defending the actions of our parents and be true to ourselves about how much pain they caused in us, its very hard to do, to stop defending them and putting them above all else but this is just the subservience they made us feel, underneath them, obeying children, never answering back or having any power in the family dynamics, making us unworthy in all areas of life and always looking up to need authority and respect that more than ourselves. I have discovered so much hidden anger that I wasn't allowed to ever feel or express about my parents and that hidden anger brings with it a lot of blame which all has to be felt and honoured, if its in me, I have to be it to be true to it.
When I am expressing my feelings I talk to God constantly, out loud, from the moment I open my eyes which is about 4am at the moment I go out into my garden, put my garden seat out with a beautiful thick cushion and lay their with the birds talking to Mother and Father and asking for help to bring up all I need to feel. I talk over dreams and feelings upon waking and at the moment it is about why I wake up every morning feeling like I can hardly carry myself, so heavy. Sometimes I haven't even finished what I have said and the answer is there for me and it is amazing. Other times I sit and write them letters and as I do so more and more feelings come up and I also speak them out load, to feel it coming out of me, so it is no longer inside me, I don't want it to stay inside me I want it out, to God.
Ha ha ha yes was that loving or unloving parenting, I wasn't sure where to put it. I suppose it is as loving as I can be in my Evil state.
Thanks Lokii, loved your message.
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Post by LOK11 on Jun 18, 2017 7:08:09 GMT 10
Thank you again and again Sam,
Were you always able to talk to God about your feelings? Did your parents help or hinder? Why did or didn't you share that and what you felt, back with your parents? Did the church compromise you or your parents or how your ideas of God were formed? Sorry, I feel like I've read some of your answers on this already but I can't remember it. How did that affect how you schooled or interacted with your children as they grew? Having considered it at length and sought help from the Mother and Father, how could we or our children do better with their children and have you ever done the big sky thinking about how would that be applied beyond our 'normal', (western), mostly urban existence to other people in other places under other religions and laws.
Sorry, I just realised I've written the 20 questions answer without any consideration for you. Your application of your healing seems so powerful, it's infectious and so I head off at a tangent to try to see how it would work everywhere. Start at home and work out I guess is the obvious answer. ie. start with the hardest to talk to and yet the most important ones first. Maybe I'm rambling - thanks for listening.
L
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Post by James on Jun 18, 2017 22:00:32 GMT 10
All you said Sam, about how it was with Faye and all you said to Lokii, was perfect. I loved every word, and I too am in awe. And you are so right in standing up for yourself, it is what you feel, end of story. If we feel we hate, blame, accuse, all the most worst things we are not allowed to feel and say, because we are feeling them, then we have to fully honour them. We don’t have to tell the one we feel bad about, although that too can be appropriate at times, but we can express them all ourselves and find out why we feel them. And as you said, until we do, such bad feelings will never leave us because their causes are still within us. And we felt a hell of a lot as children that we’ve forgotten, not being allowed to acknowledge it all.
And thank you Lokii saying what you said so Sam could respond with her truth. And to read what you have found out for yourself all through your feelings Sam, I’m absolutely thrilled!
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 18, 2017 23:18:18 GMT 10
Hi Ya
was I always able to talk to God about my feelings?
I would say No, not knowing what I know now, I suppose I would do it like we all do at times but not with the relationship that is growing in me now. I would write down my feelings and try to unfold them but it was all with my mind, not involving God from my heart and if I did pray to God it would only be with my mind. It was like 'I hope someone up there can hear me'. Since coming to the forum I have learnt a lot more about communicating with God about my feelings, doing it from my heart and soul as a real longing to God to help me, like a desperate plea that no longer comes from my mind but my soul, it has such a sincerity about it and a depth I can feel. When it isn't right I can feel it, its not coming from the right place, it has an emptiness about it much like it did before I came to the forum, all from my head. Its a real shift from head to heart. Before I came to the forum I never really thought about talking to Mother, only occasionally Father but it made so much sense and added so much more to my communication to them, I could talk to Mother or Father or both and learn to feel the difference which I am still doing. I suppose my whole spiritual journey previous to meeting James and Marion was about trying to connect to God and get my answers.
I went the whole New age thing and found myself loving Tarot cards so I worked for a telephone company doing readings, then I did all of the Reiki Usui training, then the Angelic Reiki Masters, then the Shamanic route with the Munay Ki attunments spending all this money on this stuff because I was so desperate to get my answers, to find some sort of feeling of belonging, being special, my connection to God when all the time going out further away from God and myself but I was exhausted with the trying, it was all with my mind and all the time all I had to do was connect to my feelings and tell God about it all. I wasn't aware of my answers from God so I went the New Age route to find my answers and ended up with nothing at all. Now I need nothing but my feelings, myself and God.
Did my parents help or hinder?
They never helped me have a relationship with God, I would say they kept me very far away from any sort of relationship with God, they were the only God I was to worship,it never got talked about in our house, I cant really remember ever having a conversation about God with them until they started going back to church about 15 years ago. My dad left after about four years as they couldn't answer his questions and got shitty with him for asking so he left and has had an anger with mum ever since he left because she didn't leave with him and support him in his disagreement of the church. My dad has a disappointment with me also when I speak about God, he doesn't want to hear it from me but also wont hear that it is not the God that mum believes in, the God the church preaches about.
My parents thought and still believe they are great loving parents to all of us and just cant understand what I am going on about, they want to know where it has all come from, they have no conception of ever being unloving. They believe they have been the most supportive parents and always there for me but I wouldn't have had the severe problems I have had if all that were truly loving. I felt hindered to express myself with them, not helped. I felt suppressed, repressed, oppressed, denied and out and out rejected by them but they will never understand that until they come to do their healing. They took my as far away from myself and God as possible and I was LOST.
Why didn't I share my feelings with my parents?
I never felt I could tell them, when I had tried they just sent me to the doctors for pills or gave me some useless words of advise, they had no answers and I felt so hopeless that if they didn't have the answers, no one did. I felt like the feelings and thoughts I was having were to demented and bad to tell anyone about, to dark and suicidal, it would upset them, hurt them and I wanted to keep them happy, not to worry about me, I was ok when truly I was dying. Dark, dark times which began around 18 and continued throughout my life. I didn't want to give them any more to worry about. I put on a façade that was crippling me and just continued pushing pills down me to numb me out to life, feelings and thoughts. I had a terrible fear of people pitying me, it made me feel odd, singled out, weak, powerless so I kept it all in. If I was on the anti-depressants I wasn't being a pain to any one, I was numb. It was Hell.
I was a burden and I felt that, telling them about how I felt would make me feel even more of a hopeless burden and they had no answers for me. I didn't want them to feel worried about me or useless as parents because I knew they couldn't help me so I kept it all in. I knew they didn't want to hear it and wished it would all just get better. It was useless to tell them, it went no where. Their Pity shut me down from feeling, it said to me "Stop feeling bad Sam, stop crying Sam, Stop expressing your pain......" It was all "There, There Sam, it'll be ok, get to the doctors Sam, here's a tissue, stop crying you make us feel bad" They didn't want to hear me, it was pointless and it led me to despair.
Did the Church compromise you or your parents and how your ideas of God were formed?
I think Mum had more religion in her childhood as she was a part of the Salvation Army when she was young and returned to the church later on in life once she had fulfilled all of her sinning and still is through the church. As I have said I don't remember ever talking about it with her really but she has very formed ideas about what the church teaches about God, she believes a lot of it but also has her more personal ideas of her relationship with God. Those thoughts must have been loosely in me too that what the church teaches about God must be true but it wasn't a part of our lives when growing up, God wasn't really mentioned and we never had talks about what mum and dad believe and I feel that is good really because I have not had to break down all of my erroneous thoughts about God only the ones about God being like my dad and that is enough to do without all of the religious ideas having to go and be felt and broken down. I have been able to form my own relationship with God without to many preconceived ideas and begin to have a relationship with God through my feelings and starting from nearly scratch. Mum's and my feelings about God differ hugely and she cant accept the way to at onement with God through healing my feelings but only through the church and the bible.
How did that effect my children as they grew?
They have grown up mostly without God in their lives although they both went with mum to church on a Sunday when they were young but it was to the junior church and was mostly play. As soon as they grew older they both stopped going with her and didn't enjoy it. I never had conversations with them as they grew up about God and now when I do they are not interested but both have a respect for other peoples beliefs. They don't know any truth about God so only know of the church and the bible so they wont have a very loving idea of what God is all about and in my son I sense anger. I have just asked him and he said "I'm not convinced and not bothered". They both have all of my healing journals of which there are about 35 so they can one day maybe read about my healing journey to God and how I have discovered more about myself, Gods personality and attributes all through my feelings. I feel that them not believing in the church and the bible is a good start.
I feel that my children have got some idea of what I am doing as we do talk about it, they tell me their feelings and they do ask me questions like why do I write so much, why and who am I talking to in my room or out in the garden so they are aware that I am connecting to God in a different way to how religion says. They may or may not decide to carry it on but maybe it will take younger people learning from those doing their healing, to begin healing through their feelings before they have children and continue that from the birth of their children, make it a life style right from birth. I say that because with my own children, they are already damaged and will continue that damage on to their children being the ages they are, unless they were to start now and live by feeling healing and bring their children up within it, that would be so good and I even thought wouldn't it be good for me to have another child and bring her up in feeling healing right from birth, I would love that even though I am still in the thick of my healing, at least I could bring a child up in this New Way.
Getting James' work out there is vital so others can find out about it and see if it is something they want to begin or at least become aware of their being another way but I feel that it will be a very long process. It will take some very brave people to split away from their Families and religions and seek a new way and be the example of that new way and others noticing them and asking questions, a very brave thing to do in oppressive religions. I feel it is only through being the example and others asking questions and coming to it in their own way and time being totally responsible for making the changes they want in their lives and for their healing. I begun my healing because I had such a deep desire to change, everything was wrong and I had had enough of going deeper into wrongness and my search for Mary led me to James and his amazing work and my soul knew I had found the beginning of my healing, nothing ever felt so right with me.
I have thought about how deeply I want a relationship with God and how I could possibly lose everything for it and it is my choice to want this. I could possibly lose my home, material procession's, friends, parents, money, children and even my life for my relationship with Mother and Father and if anyone else has a desire so deep for the truth maybe they would be prepared to do the same no matter what Laws or religion restrict them, even if that meant being killed or dying for the truth of their feelings to be known. I do feel scared about possibly losing these things but I know that they are all good fear feelings that I need to heal to be at one with God, what ever happens to me I need it. I can hear my dad saying to me " Sam you have gone to far, you are to extreme, that would not be a loving god" doing all he can to keep me under his control and not loving anyone higher than him, keeping me under his oppression.
I want to know myself completely and that means all of my fears are going to be felt by me so I can have the relationship I desire with myself, Mother and Father, I want that above all else.
I don't know if I have answered your questions with what you wanted to know Lokii, I have changed so much from when I began writing on here three and a half years ago. Before I joined the forum I was writing about my feelings but not asking for Gods help it was all coming from my mind really and I couldn't get to the causes of my feelings until I began to have a relationship with God and ask for their help and including both the Mother and Father. Then it all changed and it was like a miracle as I was able to get deeper and deeper into the causes, it was like asking them opened a door to another level that was closed until I asked for them to help me open it.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 19, 2017 5:34:49 GMT 10
Thank you James for your wonderful and supportive comments. Today I have really struggled with expressing myself and I was going to delete my answers to Lokii's questions feeling so useless in any expression. So much fear of being asked questions that I felt like a child again looking to mum and dad to answer for me as they always knew better than me. Its not fair that I was always so dim and thick and didn't understand anything, I feel so humiliated and stupid at how embarrassingly thick I feel. All day I have been feeling so unworthy and so confused again, always bloody confused.
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 19, 2017 5:37:00 GMT 10
Thank you Lokii for your wonderful questions, they have brought up so many feelings in me and that is truly wonderful helping me feel awful, which is good, its what I want.
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Post by John D on Jun 19, 2017 12:07:54 GMT 10
Crickey Sam, you have given me a mountain of things to feel about.
There is a great deal unfolding that is leading to the availability of James' writings in every corner of this planet. We have progress in that area.
Oh Sam, thank you for sharing - this is ever so helpful.
cheers John
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Post by samantha9 on Jun 19, 2017 16:18:59 GMT 10
Thank you John for all you are doing and your support of me. I am so excited by PASCAS and look forward to reading more every time you put new information out. I have never felt so passionate and sure about anything in my life, than the work you all do with James. I Thank Mother and Father for all you are doing in my prayers, I thank Mother and Father for all of you.
To hear that progress is being made in getting James' work and PASCAS out to every corner of the planet is so wonderful, you are truly amazing in doing this vital work, wow it is actually happening and every one has been brought together to make sure it does happen so that every one in the world will eventfully have this invitation to change, to feel, to heal, to have a true and loving relationship with Themselves, Nature and Our Mother and Father all coming to it through their own choice, their own feelings not being forced into it by their parents, Religion or Laws, breaking away from any imposing forces and doing it for themselves as I did, wanting to change no matter how rejected they will be by their family, friends or religions. This will bring healing right back to its rightful place, with the individual being responsible for their own lives, their own healing and their own connection to themselves and God all through the truth of their feelings.
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Post by LOK11 on Jun 20, 2017 0:52:09 GMT 10
Thanks Sam,
You did answer my questions, bravely and vigorously and I appreciate it very much. I will take some time to re-read your answers and ask some more, if I may.
L
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 23, 2017 17:00:51 GMT 10
James, I have loved reading about your progress through your illness and all of the revelation it is bringing up for you. Going back to your conception and really feeling how it was for you with your mum, a huge revelation and turning point for you. I could also feel the fear your wrote about through being ill and being scared about maybe never feeling well again, what if you don't and all of those 'What if's' that come up and arise through the fears, its great how it all comes up and now being aware of the feelings, you can catch each one and work with it instead of just letting them go and another healing opportunity passes on by, I am feeling right now that every feeling is a drop of pure gold, so vital and also so wasted in the worlds unaware state. I wonder if this is the scrapping of the bottom of the barrel for you in your healing, getting down to the dregs, the real mucky shit stuff of your conception and I am so happy for you if it is. A real turning point, I am excited to see what happens next in your illness. I am excited for you James, feeling this bad is so good.
I have also had a time of huge physical pain as my daughter turned 18 this weekend and I was struck down with a huge pain that began in my chest for a split second. I could not breath, then it moved around to my back in the heart region but in my back. Shit, I was in shock and couldn't breath or move or raise my arms, I was terrified. I couldn't straighten up and was hunched over and had to go to bed and just cry. I felt like a huge plug had been ripped out of my heart and pulled out through my back, that is what I was seeing, and it left a huge black hole in me. The feelings took me back to my own 18th where I spent it in hospital, alone, and very scared because I had had a huge panic attack on the morning of my birthday and mum went off to work and left me with it. I thought I was dying of a heart attack and this pain came back for me to heal along with all of the fears, all just the same even down to being alone and having to deal with it on my own. All I could do was go with the feelings that came up and I did. I spoke to Mother and Father about it all and how desperately alone I have always felt and having to deal with pain alone too and it went on and on and so much came up and the I slept and woke up feeling so much better even though I still have a dull pain but I feel the black hole is getting smaller the more I feel and heal.
As I heal all of these feelings that are coming up I am seeing such a change in my children. As I heal everything to do with me being alone with my feelings and my loneliness and having no one to listen to me except God, I have found that my children are doing so much better. They are improving in their ways, in life. My son has now left home and feels so happy about it and is so much more confident in himself and making decisions for himself that are working out for him, he is growing up and I feel that he is feeling freer the more I heal myself. What I am seeing is that the more I heal the more connections are being severed between us which is so good, connections being cut so he can not be so influenced by me and can feel for himself how he would do things instead of maybe thinking how I would want him to do it and doing that instead. He is using his own will and cutting off from mine and the more I heal the more I can see this happening, I am so excited for him and where his 'WILL' will take him. I want this for them both, to be cut off from me and my will that has been imprinted on them so they don't grow to be themselves but are held back be my restrictions and fears. Its all so evil, stunting the growth of an individual soul not to grow in its own right, evil, evil, evil.
Faye, my daughter is feeling the same, she is feeling freer as I am healing, as I release my fears and restrictions she is feeling it and doing as she wants to do without feeling maybe she shouldn't because of what I might say or how it may effect me. She is saying and doing just what she wants to and when she feels she has got it all wrong she comes to me and tells me what has happened and pours out how she feels about it, she is feeling the compensation of her actions for herself without me interfering at all, she is growing through her own experience and discovering for herself what is right and wrong and when she needs to she will come to me to talk it through and that is the most important thing for them both, to know that I am her for them just to talk to when they need me, when the ask I will listen to them.
The greatest thing I have discovered recently, is that through healing my way through the reasons why I feel I had to interfere and butt in and tell them what to do, I have now discovered, to my amazement, is that 'MY CHILDREN ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME'. And I really mean that, I have been bad for them keeping them safe in my little restricted box of no growth which the world calls 'safe'. My two children are growing into people who are slowly beginning to feel it is ok to be themselves, to experiment with their own will and how freeing it is to have the awareness of even having your own will, learning what feels right and wrong through the consequences of their own actions and that bringing responsibility for their decisions. I can feel it all changing for us, even though for them all very subtly but they feel the change, I can feel them moving away from me energetically and physically and I even feel if they decided they never wanted to see me again, I would be happy for them to feel that they didn't need me in life, for them to be that sure of themselves that all they need is themselves and their feelings to help them with anything in life, not having to ask me but just ask their own feelings and when they feel ready, asking Mother and Father to help them.
I don't really talk about feeling healing to much with them, as in preaching it at them, I just do it, live it in my own life and make it a natural every day way of life for me, which they see me do and if they want to know what I am doing they ask me. I want it to be their choice if they want to do it or even if the decide to go deeper into their evilness, as long as it is their choice.
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Post by James on Jul 24, 2017 21:08:22 GMT 10
I understand Sam what you mean by seeing every feeling as a drop of pure gold and how much we waste them, however right now how I’m feeling, I’d rather settle for gold bullion and someone else can have all my bad feelings.
However I’m pleased you are enjoying your Healing so much, I’ve been raging all day about how fed up with it I am again. So much anger came up in me during the night last night, I was raging at the Mother and Father telling Them how much I hate Them, and then when my hip pain started again, it was like my legs and hips were radiating rage, and so thankfully I was able to express some of it in my mind as Marion was asleep, raging at mum and dad about how much I hate them and how badly they treated me. I was standing face-to-face screaming at them - me doing the screaming for once instead of mum! - giving some of it back to her. It was really good to get into it, but I wished it had gone on for the whole night so I could have brought more of it out, however by reading your posts and seeing how dramatic some of your healings are and comparing them to my dribble of bad feelings, I’m also gaining more of an understanding of how quickly my bad feelings were shut down when I was very young, so only a fraction escaped, and so I can see that is still part of my pattern, so only a fraction can come up as I try to express them. I’ve been raging about how bound up in my very early behaviours and beliefs I am, and so much so that I look at the world with only myself in it, it’s all about me, nothing to do with the other person, Marion may as well not exist, because I’m still trapped back there as a baby and just beginning to walk and talk, still needing everything to be done for me, still with myself only existing in the universe. And I’m amazed and so angry that now as a 56 year old adult, I still behave as if I’m one year old or eighteen months or so. God it’s maddening!
That healing experience you had with sharp pain in your heart and then at your back and the plug being ripped out, that gives me the picture of a trauma, a wound, which you went on to say was associated with when you were 18, that was removed from your heart chakra, the front letting it go and then it being taken out the back of your heart chakra. So wow, what an incredible experience, it reminding me of Barbara Brennon’s Hands of Light pictures of the chakra’s and how she is the only one I came across who spoke about our having a pair of primary chakra’s up our front and correspondingly down our back, the two forming a vortex facing outwards, connecting deep within us on our Will Line - or Hara Line as Barbara called it. And I remember having similar things going on in my chakras like that, not as extreme and full on as what you went through, yet very scary. Such a tangible real almost physical feeling and yet it all on subtle levels.
And Sam I love what you say as to how you are affecting your children, how you can see the results of your healing yourself in their behaviour. That’s so good, and to see it right before you in your relationships with them. I’ve only speculated about it, but to see the proof, that’s wonderful. And I loved how you said you have let them go, and even if you never see them again. And what a truth to have to face, that they are better off without you. It’s all so good though.
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 25, 2017 0:57:09 GMT 10
That seems amazing that you can have such a physical pain experience with something on the subtle levels, I can still see the black hole in my back in between my shoulder blades but I no longer have any pain and it is swirling like water emptying out a plug hole, so weird but thank you for explaining to me. It gave me a horrible lump in my throat and I thought I was going to be sick, like someone had punched me so hard that it had winded me.
I wrote out some questions I wanted to ask you about why you had to stop expressing when it was all going so well but I felt that you had answered them so I deleted them. I was feeling frustration over what you had wrote, getting so far and then having to stop, wishing you could have gone on to fully express yourself but having to live the truth of the pattern of how it was for you with mum, never being able to get to the truth of how you felt. Never being able to express yourself to the fullest. It showed me how we have to be it all, just how it was for us as children, having to live it as adults and be aware of the patterns and live the truth of them, submit to them and be them to know the truth of them. You are being just how it was for you James and staying true to that until the very last feeling is expressed out of you. I find it just incredible, all so we can know the truth for ourselves, become aware of it all, submit to it and be it to heal it for good. I know its awful beyond words but it is so incredible too.
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Post by James on Jul 25, 2017 21:23:58 GMT 10
Yes, it’s been hard to understand that, because I had no memory and hardly any awareness of how it really was for me as a young child. So as my feelings have taken me back, all these states of being would come to light, and mostly because of Marion’s incessant probing and prodding, yet I couldn’t place them, having no idea why I was like that, and that really angered me. But more so since being sick, now that I’m feeling I am truer to myself as I was a young child, so I’m able to see through my feelings my actions and how they’ve come about, what was done to me to make me have the pattern I have. And then having to accept that and that I can’t change or hide it like I used to. Seeing how I contrived a false self that was good and okay, putting it superficially over the top of all I am feeling now. And I love feeling like my falseness is dissolving away, and as much as I hate feeling like I’m still the young boy, still, I do feel much better being true to myself - this is me, I am damaged, I am fucked, and all the bullshit that I’m not, has gone, so that’s just how I am, and slowly accepting it.
I’m seeing too that part of my longing for the truth is superficial, which it has to be all in keeping with how I am. I want to know what’s happening to me, I ask the Mother and Father, but really I’m just ranting, demanding They tell me, just as mum did at me. “What have you done now, why did you do that, what have you done, tell me!”, but she didn’t really want to know, she was just yelling her anger at me. So I do the same thing yelling at the Mother and Father, whereas Marion says she longs wanting to know with all her being forever, and is on the case until the truth comes, not letting go for a moment, and it’s taken her years, sometimes thirty or even forty years, before she’s got to the bottom of it and seen the truth. So I’m working on understanding this falseness too, and longing more truly and not wanting the instant answer that I expect and demand should come as something to placate me, as I placated mum trying to get her off my back.
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Post by James on Jul 25, 2017 21:36:12 GMT 10
And, I’m also accepting that my Healing and how it is for me is My Way, and there’s nothing I can do about it other than accept it - and protest, expressing all my bad feelings when I hate it and feel it’s unjust or like when I compare it against how you deal with your bad feelings Sam and why can’t I do that with mine. And although it sounds obvious, and god I’ve written it so many times, to actually be able to finally accept it, to do it, is another thing. And it’s the same with accepting that it will take however long it takes, instead of being angry about it going on for so long, but I’ve had to express all that anger over the years about it taking so long, so now I can be at the point of being able to accept that it will take as long as it takes. And god, it’s not as if I have any say in it!
Marion said she could never be happy whilst she believed she was ugly - how can you be happy when you’re ugly? They told her she was ugly and made her feel unhappy. And now as she doesn’t care how she looks, even loving how she is through her feelings and not looking in the mirror, she can be, and is, happy! And these new feelings of acceptance are helping her look in the mirror and like what she sees - for the first time in her life.
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 20, 2018 19:40:35 GMT 10
I have wrote on here about how I try not to interfere with my children and their expression of their personalities, well, the deeper levels of myself are being revealed to me now and I am seeing just how interfering I actually am and they are so subtle and sneaky in their ways. I had completely missed them at the level I was on, they passed me by just how interfering I am and I cant believe how as the layers are peeling back, all these subtleties are becoming obvious to me and slapping me in the face and every time I interfere in the tiniest way, that would have gone unnoticed before, I am feeling more and more terrible about myself, I cant stop it.
How could have this passed by me? How could I have not seen what I am doing to my children? This is a new level of evilness for me that I am now seeing about myself and I feel so hopeless to change it as I do it again and again and again to my children, Ooops there goes another one, I just interfered with my children's will again, and again, and again, shit I am out of control at controlling them on these subtle levels that are so insidious and have got away from my awareness before, me thinking I was pretty good and none interfering to a certain extent. I am totally the opposite, I am constantly interfering with them in the minutest ways that would go unnoticed by everyone and myself until now. I feel totally useless and hopeless in stopping and I cant stop, its impossible to stop doing it until I have healed it by feeling it out of me, all the ways I was controlled and interfered with by my parents, its all coming out now for me to see the sneaky ways they interfered with me and I am now seeing it all through my children.
I am doing it constantly and I feel it is getting worse as I catch myself doing it to them, its making me feel crazy and as I have been writing this the woman across the road has started up a chain saw which has interfered with me and mad me so angry which is just how I felt being interfered with by my parents, I can feel the same anger in me and it has happened so I can feel the truth of my anger at being interfered with, I hope that all makes sense. God, I am so angry at that woman making such a noise, it is so loud and I want to go over to her and chop her up with the fucking chain saw to shut her up, I wish she would just fuck off and leave me alone, I hate her, I fucking hate her and now I am seeing my mum and hearing her awful voice every morning shouting at me from downstairs to wake up and get ready for school. Her voice breaking my peace as this woman is doing. Her voice is that chain saw cutting me up inside, I feel so angry at the interference, I don't want it, I hate it disturbing me with its relentless drone like mums voice drilling into me.
My children must feel the same about me as I see the ways I interfere with them on a day to day bases. I cant stop, I catch myself doing it and I cant stop it coming out of me, all my fears interfering with them constantly and I thought I was so good but as my healing goes on so much that was hidden from me about myself is coming up and I am nothing like I thought I was. I can only be how my parents were with me, interfering, maybe not as bad, or maybe worse, fuck!!!
All I can do is give in and accept I am interfering, I am everything I didn't want to be, I am my parents and I cant do anything about that but FEEL all the feelings that come up about it. I thought I was so good and I do love it when my children come to me and express all their pain and I just listen to them and let them pour it out until they have emptied but at other times I am interfering and the tiny ways I do it are so huge and damaging to them and I cant be any different, I cant tell myself with my mind to stop doing it, don't interfere, it cant be done, its to strong in me to do it to them that it just happens and I have done it AGAIN!!
How do I feel? Fucking useless, evil and like I will never get out of it, I was controlled so I control and I feel fucking hopeless to my core and that is how being interfered with and controlled makes me feel - HOPELESS and USELESS to do anything for myself and it is true. That is how I feel and that is how my children feel when I interfere with them, I make them feel how I feel, hopeless and useless and they feel the anger of that interference just the same as I feel it from my parents. I feel I am unable to do anything with out them and everything I have done is to prove them wrong, that I don't need them, I can do it so they can both fuck of out of my life but the pain in me is that I feel like I cant do anything without them, I need them always to do it for me or tell me its ok to do it, I need their approval first and me rebelling against them is hiding and denying the pain of how much I hate it that I need them to parent me in everything I do in my life because of how they interfered with me constantly in the same tiny and minute ways that I have had revealed to me of how I do the same to my children.
I cant stop interfering with my children and needing to control them until I have felt it fully, how it felt for me. When it comes to them expressing their pain to me, I am there for them and support them to just keep expressing it out of them but I am an insidious evil in their lives that manipulates in such subtle ways, that was so subtle I didn't even see it until I have had it revealed to me as my healing has gone on to new levels. I feel terrible, I feel I have done them so much damage and they wont believe it until they do their healing and see what it is I have done to them. I believed I loved them so much and they believe they love me too but it is all wrong, its all evil and I have made them evil and I am feeling, right at this moment, that I cant escape from what I have done to them, it is so bad, I have committed the worst crime in the universe and I am only just feeling the truth of what I have done and all of the evilness that underlays a so called "Loving" Mother and child relationship, its all bullshit, its all based on evilness which humanity calls "Love". My head is spinning with this today, I am in depths of confusion and shock at the truth of how I am, it has hit me harder than ever and I feel that there is no hope for me and what I have done and I am going to stay in that despair and feel it thoroughly. I feel in utter despair, it s a dark and black place as I feel all of the denial that my parenting has been based on. My children hug me and tell me how much they love me and I just want to shake them and tell them NO NO NO NO I am none of what you believe I am, stop loving me I don't deserve it. Its awful to know something so huge and they don't know it, its so important and I cant tell them because they are not ready to know it fully yet, they just deny all I am saying about myself and tell me I have been a wonderful mother, but I know the truth through my feelings. I have told them and said sorry to them for things I have done and they don't accept it from me, they don't know what I am talking about and they see my interfering as being a loving mother to them, that's just what mothers do!! but its all wrong and I cant force that on them because it is not time for them to hear it so I have to keep it to myself as they wont accept it, we have had long talks about it all and some they get but most they cant accept.
All the pain they pour out to me is pain I have caused in them and it helps me see just how evil I have been and to have it thrown back to me what I have done and what was done to me, it helps me heal which is a good and bad thing, good because I get to feel it all through them and bad because I have done it all to them in the first place, I have been the worst thing for my children. I have interfered believing I know better and I have said to God "Fuck you, I know better than you" and have interfered with Gods children and look at the mess I have made of it and God has not interfered with me, they have let me fuck their children up and let the default in me play its part, showing me the consequences of what going against God and love and truth causes for myself. I thought I knew better just like my parents did and I have messed it all up for my children, Gods children.
I am healing myself through my feelings, well, that's all well and great for me but as I do it I have to stand by and watch the mess unfold for my children, see what I have done to them whilst I heal and it is not a good feeling. Its like 'I'm alright Jack' I am getting out of it through my healing but they are just beginning their lives and the pain is all starting to come up for them and me. To feel their pain, wow, it hits me so hard as it is my pain too so it is a constant hammering me back down into more deep feelings through my own life and through them so its a double whammy of pain which is the consequence of what I have done to them, I am getting it all back and seeing it through them.
ITS SO HARD AND RELENTLESS. I cant tell anyone how hard it is but also how wonderful it is when the truth comes. Its the hardest thing I have ever done and never knew how hard it might become for me and it is different for everyone. It takes up every moment of my life, it is my life.
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Post by samantha9 on Aug 18, 2018 4:54:32 GMT 10
I am a useless Mother. I should have a health warning slapped on me I am so useless. I can now see exactly what I have done to my children and all I can do is watch it all going on with them. To watch them go through the pain of everyday living and all I can do is listen to them when they need me. I have to listen to the pain knowing that I am the cause of that pain and they are telling me exactly what I have done to them, not being able to do anything about it. I feel so evil as I watch the rejection play out in their lives, both of them being rejected, sometimes in little ways and sometimes in big ways and it is all because of the rejection that dwells within them from how they were parented.
As they each come to me and tell me of another pain, I sink into my hole deeper, knowing it is my parenting that caused it in them and life is showing them the truth of how rejected they were as children by me and their fathers. All events are kicking in to show me what I did to them in my delusional idea that I was a good parent to them, what a fantasy I have lived as I awaken to the truth they are bringing me.
There is no such thing as good parenting in this world, its all a sick delusion that we have been good parents as I once believed I was. As I sink further into my feelings I just want to die as I now see what I have done to my children, that being what was done to me and it all went so hidden up until I begun my healing and my feelings revealed the truth, how it all really was and is and it has all been bullshit, a fantasy dream called good parenting, lies, lies, lies.
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