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Post by samantha9 on Jan 29, 2017 22:40:40 GMT 10
Oh my, your Mum died a year ago and you've only just found out. That feels so weird to me. I know you weren't in contact with her, but you knew she was still alive, and now she's not, she's gone. Do you feel freer, do you feel empty, do you feel shock at the fact she has gone, just like that. Do you feel like you have been cheated out of not being able to say to her how she made you feel, or maybe you feel she doesn't need to know. Do you feel like you have got away with it, I say this because sometimes I feel that it would be so much easier when they have gone, more denial on my part coming up there. Your Mum and your Dad both gone, you are an Orphan James left alone without Mum or Dad, shit sorry, this is also the sadness I feel inside projecting on you. Always being alone. I am feeling so sad for you being an orphan and I have to feel that sadness, its so awful to feel their absence from you even when they were around, emotionally they were dead to you but still alive. If only they could have loved us the way we needed to be loved, to feel some sort of connection but the truth is we have all been orphans all our lives because of this withdrawal of love we felt. We have always been alone living in our own little bubble trying to get by, pretending we are loved in some way, seeing their errors in what they believe love to be, as love. Your Mum and Dad both gone now you are alone, I am feeling some fear in me by saying that to you, you are not safe now, they have left you alone. Shit James this is all me, my fears coming up through what you are going through. The fears of Mum and Dad dying and me being an orphan, alone, unsafe, they made me feel like I couldn't cope without them, I wasn't safe without them in this world, they needed me to need them constantly so they made sure I never felt safe without them, brassards. They have fucked me up to panic and fear the world without them. They made me need them.
So many feeling for you to express James, so much pain as it emerges, feeling the final crushing blow from her. Thank you dearest Marion for being there for you, to hear you, to listen. I feel so sad for all the wrongness in the way we have been parented, the waste of time believing we have been loved and then to find out we were not. Its a crushing blow James, its a stab in the back.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 30, 2017 3:53:48 GMT 10
You are not an Orphan James, you have your true Mother and Father. We are only Orphans when we are in denial of God as our true parents and I really felt this to be true as I felt all I had to feel in my sadness and loneliness brought up by your loss. When we don't feel God we are truly alone and self reliant and in fear.
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Post by James on Jan 30, 2017 21:34:26 GMT 10
Great posts Sam expressing all your fears and seeing you are projecting them onto me, as what we all do. Some of what you say I relate to and agree with, other parts not so much, but it’s good to hear your perspective so I can ‘try it on’ and see if anything comes up in me.
You make a big point about feeling orphaned which isn’t a direct issue for me, not with all the depth of feeling you’re obviously feeling it. I wouldn’t use the word ‘orphan’ because I never felt that my parents were actually there for me and looking after me, so although the word is true for me too, it just as I’ve always felt, so it’s no big deal, notwithstanding all the pain I’ve felt not feeling loved.
I do feel freer, but not empty, no, nothing like that; and when I found out, I didn’t really feel anything other than a bit shocked that they’d not told me, but nothing to do with actually mum no longer being alive. It was as I posted, the next day suddenly feeling slammed and crunched by her, which has sidelined me for days, feeling very fucked and really cementing in for me how much she didn’t love me.
But I have no fear of being alone now I know she’s gone, I feel relief if anything, although I’d already worked though all that stuff some time back so her actual parting, or hearing about it, hasn’t of itself affected me much at all. And funnily enough, when I think about these questions of yours in the beginning of the post, most of them I worked through which I’ve realised was about the time she did actually die, last year when I turned 55, because a lot changed for me then. And part of that change, I now understand, unconsciously included her actual death.
You Sam obviously feel more connected to your parents than I ever did, that they were there to provide your survival, I’ve felt alone all the way along although I covered up those feelings, but now as I uncover them, it’s just an acceptance of how I’ve always felt, they are familiar feelings which I just wasn’t aware of.
My main feeling as I’ve since found out that Nicholas was her full time carer for some time as she broke down with dementia finally to be put in a care home for a couple of months before she died, is good riddance, and even stronger feelings of hatred for her and dad and all of them, and that I don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with any of them. So I’m not reaching out to her in spirit trying to speak with her, no way, just getting more in touch with even deeper resentment and anger in me.
And I was too chicken to confront her. I wrote a couple of letters years back when I first left explaining why I left, why I never wanted to have anything more to do with her, and telling her about all the feeling of hurt and feeling unloved by her and dad and the others I felt, but having to face her and tell her, I couldn’t do. I often talked about it with Marion, even making up my mind to go and see and tell her - have it out with her, but once I talked it all through my desire faded until the next time, and it never got the point of having to act on it. I preferred to keep honouring my fear of her and staying in my powerlessness, and really I know that had I confronted her she’d have just cried and yelled at me and told me I was so mean and unloving, should she have even agreed to see me, which I doubt she would have wanted, knowing what it was that I was going to speak to her about. So it seemed pointless me trying to make her see things how I felt, so I stayed on my side expressing my pain to Marion. And I realised that I either just go and confront her to yell at her myself, just for my own sake, just to vent some anger at her, or I go trying to get her to see she was wrong in how she treated me, of which I felt there was little hope of that. Then I realised I was still only wanting her to love me, still hoping my appealing to her would somehow change her, that she’d magically come round to my side and what - start loving me? - as if I could now be a loved baby forming in her womb, being a loved baby and loved young child growing up all over again being loved by her. It didn’t happen, and it’s never going to happen, realising that such needed and outstanding love I was only going to give to myself, it couldn’t come from those people who should have originally given it to me. So through my attending to - loving - myself by honouring my pain, I am gradually filling in those holes and feeling better and better about myself, with is the beauty and extraordinariness of the whole process.
And the part about mum’s death that I feel really good about was that I didn’t have to look after her, I’d dreaded that, that I’d have been stuck with her. And if Nicholas felt bad that he had to do it, that’s for him to work through; I worked through my feeling sorry that I’d left him to do it, but he and her were much closer than I ever was, so it was more fitting and his payback to her as she gave him always what he demanded, so I see that as something of the books balancing between them on the physical or material level.
But I never felt I got anything really, I mean I had stuff, and wasn’t really deprived compared to say a poor family, but still the essence of things I was heavily deprived in, and I never asked for anything knowing it was bad to ask and I wasn’t going to get it anyway. So it wasn’t any surprise when no inheritance came, nothing, I don’t even know what happened to some of my stuff that mum had, but it doesn’t matter as I’d resolved all my pain of that too, of being left out and not seen as part of the family, even not enough that they haven’t told me of her death, it all fitting perfectly in with the truth that I’d revealed to myself over the years.
So her death and all that’s transpired has perfectly confirmed my relationship with her and everyone else, it couldn’t have been more perfect. Even to the point of them making me feel I was important and even the leader of the family to some degree after the divorce, and yet as it turns out which I’ve felt through my Healing, I am not important at all, and so much so that I even have to find out about her death through someone completely outside of the family who knows more about what’s going on than I do.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 31, 2017 1:32:00 GMT 10
Thanks James for all you have wrote here and telling me all of the feelings you have resolved. I really laid it all on you, all of my feelings and how I was made to NEED Mum and Dad, so much so that they made sure I couldn't function without them, that's the only reason I feel I exist, to make sure they feel needed and kept happy, that was my job and has been with every one, how can it be any other way. The guilt is still so strong in me that I must never upset them, always do exactly as they say, if I cause them any harm or pain with living life my way, that would crush and devastate them. I did crush them though, a few weeks ago when I told them I didn't need them, their greatest fear realised, they were devastated and I told them they should be overjoyed that I am ok without them, I don't need them, they should feel that they have done an ok job if I feel I am ok alone, but no. I don't want them interfering in my life but at the same time I have so much damage to heal with the ties they created to make sure I still need them.
I to dread having to be the one that has to care for them in their old age if one of them passes and the other is frail, I don't want to and I have a lot of anger to feel about that, having to do something I don't want to do especially as all my brothers and sister escaped to Australia and me being left here with them to work through my stuff with them, they got away with it and I feel like moving so far away so I don't have to do it instead of just saying no and leaving them in their shit for someone else to clear up.
I have had truthful conversations with them telling them all about how much pain I have been in and they both went into a place of telling me that they have failed as parents and really throwing the guilt on me, like saying "Oh please Sam don't hurt us", I felt as bad as I could feel and felt like I had killed them both with the truth. I felt so bad, so naughty, I had done the worst thing I could ever do to them, tell them the truth and now I had to go and feel all the pain I felt in hurting them. I had killed them both inside and they still don't understand what I am doing and why I am doing it to them, they turned it all around to be my fault, I have lost my mind. I am still scared to hurt them even though I have told them so much truth, they still have such a strong hold on me and have made me believe it is never their fault but mine. They have filled me with guilt that they are these poor innocent, perfect parents and it could never be them so I blame myself and punish myself that I have not been good and gone against their will so the guilt comes up that I have hurt them to their core. I have to feel that pain and when I do I feel so sad for myself, an innocent child having all of that guilt put on her to please her parents or feel the withdrawal of love. Its just to much for a child. They taught me that the truth is a very bad thing so what else can you do but lie to keep people happy because that is what they wanted, the lie, it meant they never had to feel bad about themselves, but for me it meant I never had to feel good about myself and had to stay living a lie for people to love me. All so fucked up and so much to feel through its overwhelming James, there is just to much and its all so confusing and I have to cry about how confused I am before I can even get into any emotions, I feel like a hopeless case most of the time and I am never going to get through it all, how can one soul be so full up with so much shit, layer upon layer to get through. It feels totally undoable at the moment.
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Post by samantha9 on Jul 31, 2017 18:35:47 GMT 10
I don't have many photo's of me as a child but this one I have always hated. This is me and mum and I look at her and just feel nothing from her coming towards me, she is blank, almost hollow and cold. She gave this photo to me and she said she was extremely depressed at the time this was taken. There is no love for me and I can feel that very strongly from her. What I feel from myself in this picture is so much longing and need to get something from my mum and food will have to do if that is all she has to give to me I will receive it from her in the place of love, it is something at least and I am desperate. This has been my relationship with food, its a 'stand in' for what I lacked in love and always has been. This is a empty, hollow, emotionless, sad picture.
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Post by Sam m on Jan 12, 2018 10:58:59 GMT 10
I am celebrating the fact that while every one around me is ill with either Australian flu or French flu, I am ok. As my healing goes on I have found that I don't get ill like I used to which is amazing because I was ill constantly and it was never just a cold, it was full blown illness. I dreaded the winter months as I would be ill for the majority of them.
It is so good to be healing myself in this way and knowing that it is working as I am no longer needing these awful illnesses to bring up deep hidden feelings in me, so it's working and I don't feel so scared of the winter time any more as that was the worst time for me. The change is incredible when I remember all of the times I was so debilitated with illness, colds, flu. It's great, amazing not to be so wrecked with constant illness.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 11, 2018 19:21:52 GMT 10
More from the Menopause
As I go further into my Pause from Men I am coming to understand that it is exactly that. My Menopause is showing me, through my feelings, that I no longer want sex and I can now pause from it. I want men in my life and I only have Trevor until he goes on his travels, but that is enough. I no longer want sex and I realise that I never did and I was just doing what I had to do so I was wanted by a man, to be desired and longed for by someone because I wasn't desired or longed for by my parents. I was getting this feeling fulfilled by men.
Now I am well into my Menopause, I feel I can say No, I don't want a man for sex any more and I see what it was all about. These are only my feelings but they feel so right that Men are needed for reproduction but not for pleasure, both men and women can have pleasure without having to have sex but we need each other for reproduction and that reproduction should have only been with our Soul mates and not as we have all done, gone and had children with others that are not our soul mates. When I just wrote that I felt it so deeply, a sadness that I have missed out on that opportunity of having a child with my soul mate, that has gone now and it makes me feel so sad that I was to fucked up to even be aware of that or to even know who my soul mate might be. I feel sad for all of us because we have all done it, we didn't know because we are to wrapped up in our evilness to know.
I woke up this morning and the first thing in my mind were the thoughts that we aren't meant to be going around having sex other than for reproduction, and that was meant to be with our soulmates, and if we want pleasure we can have it and our bodies are fully functional to give us that. My Menopause tells me that my time of reproduction is over so my body no longer needs or wants to have sex to produce children, but I can still feel pleasure if I want to, without a man. I only needed a man for reproduction. I am not saying that I should be on my own without a man because I don't feel that but I have had it all wrong all my life thinking that I should be wanting sex and I felt so bad because I never really did but I was only meant to be having sex with my soul mate and it always felt wrong with any on else and now I know why, it was wrong, all of it was evil and wrong so my feelings were right and I felt so bad about them. I had to force myself to have sex because if I didn't it causes arguments so I prostituted myself to keep a man happy, I did what they wanted to keep them happy but I had it right all along if I had only listened to my feelings and what they were telling me. That I should be feeling bad, I was going against my will by doing their will and I felt rapped most of the time because I didn't really want it. What a fucking idiot.
I put myself through fucking agony inside feeling so bad and it all feeling so wrong and I tortured myself that there was something wrong with me!! I was right, my feelings were telling me the truth, I was doing it all wrong. I can see it all now and how I would get drunk just to force myself to have sex because without it I couldn't do it, it felt to wrong and I didn't have the strength to say 'NO' I don't want sex. I was scared I would be rejected if I said NO and this all comes from not being able to say NO to my parents, I had to say YES all the time, even when I didn't want to and that fear of saying NO to them had led me to not being able to say NO to sex, feeling to scared to because I would be rejected. I feel so gutted as I look back and feel all of those feelings again, the dread of having to have sex when I didn't have the confidence in myself to just say no. I couldn't, what would they think of me, I am fringed or something, I am weird and they would leave me. Fuck I cant tell you how angry I feel about it all and what I put myself through, FUCK,FUCK,FUCK I am so Fucking angry at myself for consenting when all I had to do was say no, but I couldn't.
We are so fucked up that we cant even be with our Soul Mates, that is so sad and we are going around having children with everyone other than our Soul Mates and that feels bad, like we have sinned and our children are born of sin because they were meant to be born within a soulmate union. Shit I am feeling that I have done the worst thing to my Soul Mate, oh my God I cant tell you how despairing I am feeling as I feel this pain, that I have completely rejected my soulmate and gone of and had children without him, whoever he is, I don't know but all I know is I feel so sad for him. Eve must have felt so terrible after she had a child with Cano and broke that Soul Mate union in that very action. She must have felt devastated at what she had done and one day I will talk to her about it, and Adam, as he felt so sad for her and didn't want her to go through it alone so he did the same. They must have felt devastated when they realised the consequences of their actions, they left each others sides and it all went wrong. My feelings are taking me deep into that pain as I feel what I have done, had my children with men that weren't my soul mate, it feels so wrong, it is so wrong and I feel like I have ruined them, I have ruined them, of course.
I have gone right of track but I have just had to go where my feelings take me and they have taken me right back to the beginning, to feel where it all went wrong, to feel it for myself, the pain caused because we are not with our Soul mates, because Eve and Adam broke that Soul Mate Union and all hell broke loose as it still is. They must have felt so much guilt, as I am feeling, as they defaulted on their mission to stay together and they had sex with a male and a female from other tribes and not stay true to each other. I haven't stayed true to my Soul Mate, I know I wasn't aware but it doesn't matter I am feeling that I have ruined it all as Eve felt, I wish I could sit down and speak to her about all I am feeling, I just want to cry, I am crying as I write this, at the sadness I feel over what I have done. I don't know my Soul Mate but I know I have done something that feels very bad, and not done it all with Him and I wont get that chance until I am healed enough to know who he is. It has only just hit me how bad it feels to be so fucked up that I cant even feel who my Soul Mate is, I have got it all so wrong. My children have been born out of Soul Mate Union on Earth and that stains them, it puts a mark on them for ever until they come to do their healing and I am so sorry for doing that to them. I have done what Eve did and I can feel her in me, doing what she did, defaulting against my Soul Mate as Eve did and all of my lineage since Eve. I have done it all so wrong and I feel gutted, like I have only just woken up to what I have done and the passed it on as it was passed on to me.
Going back to my Menopause, I am so Glad God has put a cap on me having any more children out of my Soul mate Union Relationship. I can see why we are limited in time to have children because we have been allowed to sin by having children to other partners but only for so long then it stops, No more. Women can only create, in their evil negative state for so long, then the menopause hits and stops us producing anymore, overpopulating the evilness. It seems like the further we are growing away from God the earlier the Menopause is hitting Women so we are given a shorter time to reproduce in our negative state and out of our Soulmate Union relationships.
I am coming out of it all now, Had enough so I will end it there.
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Post by James on Mar 12, 2018 19:44:30 GMT 10
Thank you Sam for writing all you are feeling about it. Having not had children I haven’t had do deal with that so personally however I’ve thought it through and thought that everyone who has a child like you have will feel the guilt and full bad feelings of what Eve and Adam went through. I can imagine it, relating to in a small way having had sex with women who were not my soulmate, and I can relate to some of your pain and feeling so bad. If there is a consolation, not that I want to say it to lessen the pain and guilt you are feeling, but possibly your soulmate is in the same boat, so at least you might share that when you do meet each other.
And yes, the unbearable agonies The Urantia Book talks a little about that Eve and Adam suffered, to have blown it, defaulted, to have ruined everything knowing you are going to cause so much misery and suffering, a terrible guilt and burden to carry. However they didn’t stand a chance really, not with the higher rebellious spirits having so much say and control in their lives, so just like us - it’s not as if we had a say in it, so we’re all in the same boat, hurled into the Rebellion by default.
I liked the Pause from Men, I’d not read it like that. Menopause was just a word and something women went through, I’d not thought that much about it, but seeing it in that light, shit it does make us men seem like wicked evil creatures who are only interested in women for sex. It’s all so wrong our whole sex thing as you are saying. I’m still working on my issues to do with it, and reckon I will all the way to the end of my Healing.
Thank you again for sharing something of yourself that is so intimate and personal.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 13, 2018 21:35:00 GMT 10
I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to be a good Mother and I feel so relieved to be able to say this, yes I am celebrating and feeling bad too.
When I had my Son I didn't know what to do with him and had to get my friend to come and show me, I was crying at what a failure I was with him and I still feel that now with both my children, I don't know what to do with them, I am a useless mother, Where was the book that comes with the child, there wasn't one and I couldn't do it and this feels like I have truly accepted the truth that I didn't know how to be a Mother, a parent to my children. My daughter even said to me this week that many times throughout her life she has felt like the parent, this is what I have done to her and I do feel powerless around her quite a lot of the time because I was powerless in many ways and that made me try to have false power over her, its all confusing and I am going to feel more about it but I feel Okay now with the fact that I don't know what I am doing and I have fucked my children up. I was a child having children, scared shitless and doing it all so wrong, I had no idea what to do with them and I got it wrong as a Mother.
I lied to myself that I was a good mum but I was rubbish, I was denying the truth that I had no idea how to be a mum, I was faking it all and winging it with no true love involved but just worrying about how it looks to others, making sure I was saying the right things and doing the right things, I didn't even know that I had to enrol my Son into a school and I was waiting for some sort of letter to come through telling me he had to start school, I was always waiting to be told, Parented by someone else to know better than me and to tell me what I had to do. I can remember going into our local school and asking them if I should have received any letter telling me it was time to enrol him in a school and they looked at me not really knowing what to say to me. Luckily they took him on and told me school started tomorrow and I was to bring him up at 9am. Shit one day to get his uniform and I was fucking mental.
I didn't even think enough of my children to find out for myself and I could feel those teachers having pity over my son for having such an uncaring, useless mother. I had no idea how to do it all naturally, it just didn't come to me, I was a very poor mother and I tried to lie to myself and everyone else that I was ok, I wasn't.
I didn't know how to be a good Mother and I feel so very sad for my children, I am very sorry and hope that once they have gone through the pain of their healing they can bring themselves to forgive me, I know they are going to hate and despise me when they turn around all of the lies they believe about me and finally want to know the truth and it will be very painful for them both and I expect them to hate me as the truth comes up and I want this for them because I want them to know the truth, I want it so much and when their time comes to end their childhood repression and go into their denied feelings they may never want to see me again and I feel ok about that, I really do because I want them to go with the truth of their feelings and if that means they no longer feel drawn to me as I no longer feel drawn to my parents, that is what they must do. It is all about their will and I love that.
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Post by James on Mar 14, 2018 19:52:24 GMT 10
Marion and I were reading, yet again, how it’s said, and how so many people believe they can do it, forgive their parents because unless they do they will never find peace themselves. And some people, so it seems, are able to do this, letting go - or so they believe, getting on with their life. And yet the other day we read a story about a man who having felt demented by his parents all his life, was told, and so tried and believed initially that he was successful, to forgive his parents so he could let the pain go and get on with the rest of his life. Yet some years later discovered, it’s one thing to ‘forgive’ using your mind, yet entirely different to forgive using your heart.
And you saying Sam how you hope your children will forgive you one day when they do their Healing, I’ve thought about this a lot throughout my Healing, and at times I have even felt I have forgiven my parents, feeling less connected in all the unloving ways, feeling freer of them, only to be plunged down into my next round of yuk, hatred of them and feeling all the deeper pain they caused me, so ditching those feelings of forgiveness, and fuck you mum and dad - rot in hell!
Then yesterday, suddenly because of something Marion and I were talking about, I felt a great sense and feeling of happiness come up in me, and with such good feelings now becoming more regular these past couple of months, something that is still taking me by surprise, I felt that I don’t care about mum and dad anymore. It was such a nice feeling of I have let them go, that I no longer need their approval or love. I don’t need them at all.
And it wasn’t a feeling of ‘I forgive them’ as such, as I don’t actually think it’s about that anymore, not for me anyway, but a mutual feeling of accepting ‘we’re all the same, we’re all in it together, all in our pain, all feeling unloved’, so we’re all on the same level. And a knowing of truth that no way could they love me. They never did, so can’t, not me being the baby and little child still wanting that love. So I felt like I’d finished with them, I still have pain and healing to do concerning them, but I do feel I no longer wish they’d have loved me. It was what God wanted us all to do, all to experience, and we did, and now we’re living our separate lives. I’m still not feeling any interest in them, not wanting to reach out and speak with them in spirit, so perhaps there is more of my true ‘forgiveness’ to come, however it’s more like I just don’t feel any attachment with or for or from them, they were my parents back then, still are technically, but as we don’t have anything to do with each other, because there wasn’t any love, so without their being any connection with them, I just don’t have it, don’t feel I want it, don’t need to have it. And I love feeling free of them, free of all the entanglements and bullshit that our relationship was. And I long for the day when I don’t think of them again because there are no more bad feelings coming up in me to do with them - to have ‘parent free’ days, no more bad feelings... something I dream about and long and wish for.
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