|
Post by Samantha McCabe on Feb 18, 2014 3:19:50 GMT 10
I want to share a feeling that I experienced the other day. I was driving past a Tree that I must drive past all the time but this time I had to stop and as I was still I looked over to it and saw that it was covered in bright green Ivy, right the way up but not quite to its canopy. It was so covered that I could see the Tree was dying, suffocating, the Ivy had taken its lifes energy so the Ivy can live fully. The Ivy had taken over, taken control. I thought to myself how incredible natures relationships are, the Tree, although fairly young has not the will to fight the Ivy, there is no will involved in this relationship, there is no fight, no battle, no War. In that moment I felt the perfect example of what nature has to show us . The Tree just let the Ivy take it over, even if it meant the Tree would die, it would not interfere with what the Ivy did naturally, the Tree and the Ivy both existed together both doing what they both do naturally with no interference, no opposition. The Ivy means no malice to the Tree and the Tree will not resist giving the Ivy a strong support to get to where it wants to go, even though the Tree may eventually die. Nature just does what it does without any intent to harm. I began to feel a sadness within me and felt myself to be the young Tree, and my parents as the Ivy overpowering me, controlling me, taking my life force and my will, like this tree I was dying inside. Unlike nature their intent was to control me and completely take over all because of their need to be powerful because of how powerless they really felt because of how they had been parented. A conscious effort to make me as they wanted me to be until I had totally submitted all the time enforcing their will with no care for mine. Nature showed me that day true unconditional love and how it is non existent between humans and how untrue we all are. Nature does not force it just does what it does naturally with no intent to harm, it has no intention to interfere. No Evil intent was had by the Ivy to take over the tree, every Evil intent was taken to take over me and see my will diminish. I went home and wrote about this and told Mary, Jesus and Mother and Father God all I felt, all the anger and pain I shouted it all out until I was empty all the time asking to have the truth revealed to me of every feeling and the amazement of the Truth that comes is the miracle of healing and the best thing of all is it all comes from me, my feelings, I don't have to go anywhere or by anything to help me do this. Some days when I go out I am seeing situations everywhere that want my attention to heal a feeling deep inside me, it is very painful at times and feels so bad but it is meant to. When the truth is revealed within me there is no feeling like it.
|
|
|
Post by Samantha McCabe on Feb 18, 2014 20:05:03 GMT 10
My growing love of nature led me to create these Wands from fallen wood, I discovered I could carve and use all natures abundance to design these and I love doing it. It is the one thing that I get totally immersed into right from going out into the forest and finding the wood and learning about the tree it came from to seeing the beauty of crystals that I use and it amazes me, the beauty amazes me and fulfils my creativity. I write a lot of poetry about how nature has helped me see the non interfering way it survives and the wands are a representation of nature showing us the way to be natural, Nature showing us our nature. I explain this to people and they kind of understand what nature can show us if we just change our perspective. Through creating the Wands I have written so much poetry and this reveals new feelings within me as the words come pouring out, most of it a reflection of my journey of healing and repressed feelings and being untrue unlike the truth of nature. My Wands have a very feminine energy to them and they represent the repressed struggle of women through the ages and I show that nature will not be repressed, it will just do as it does with no intent to harm or take another's will or interfere, it has no will to do that the relationship is, I do what I do and you do what you do and we will get along beside each other. No holding back or control, it is only man that interferes, harms, controls and is Oppressive to fellow man and Nature. Since doing my healing making these has felt natural to me and I cant think of doing a normal job in life ever again, I tried it and it didn't work, I just got ill as I forced myself to do it going against all my feelings, being so unloving to myself so now I just do this and thank nature for her abundance and my Mother and Father God for my creative personality gift. x
|
|
|
Post by James on Feb 19, 2014 15:56:39 GMT 10
I love all you said Samantha, it’s just perfect, and so much in it. Nature being of true natural love is perfect, and is for us to use through our feelings to help us uncover our truth, just as you’re doing. (I’m sorry but I can’t help adding my bits of truth.) And so as we uncover the beauty of our own nature, our own natural love, so too does our love and appreciation of nature increase, that being one of the things I’ve loved the most about doing my healing - that my eyes, and most of all, my feelings, are being opened to it. I now understand why people want to hug trees.
Jesus immediately came to mind when I read your post, and Mary in her way only not in such a public way. Marion and I are constantly drawn back to them; they didn’t fight, they didn’t resist, they being two people who had at their disposal the whole power of being the Creator Pair of Nebadon, and yet they allowed - submitted, to our gross inhumanity unconditionally accepting and allowing us to do as we pleased in our evilness with them. And we weren’t like the tree allowing the ivy to be there doing its thing; no, we said, no, you can’t be like that, you have to be how we say... and isn’t that what you’re saying your parents did to you! And then we had the audacity to say Jesus died for our sins, I mean, really, who do we think we are. So we treated Mary and Jesus as we treat nature, as we treat our children, as we treat ourselves, all because as you said, it was how we were treated. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all live unconditionally, all truly accepting ourselves, each other and nature.
And it brings to mind all those people striving to be ‘unconditional’, all trying to apply techniques of their mind to be ‘more loving’, to ‘forgive and forget’, to make themselves be ‘all-accepting’, when if they were living true, they’d naturally be these things as nature shows us. Nature doesn’t apply its mind to ‘be anything’, as you observe, it just is true and perfect.
And doesn’t nature give you such a good feeling: it doesn’t intrude, it doesn’t demand, it doesn’t ask for anything, it’s not needy, it’s not seeking power because it feels powerless, it’s not putting on a show seeking approval, it’s a blooming relief to be with.
And I’m so pleased Samantha that you get so much from your longing for truth; and amazed that you can express it all by yourself, emoting it all until you’re spent, because I have wondered how far people might be able to go in doing their healing by themselves. And obviously from what you’re doing and how you see things - a long way! Also, if you felt like you wouldn’t mind sharing it, or taking the trouble to write it, I’d love to read a whole healing experience of yours, such as, the bad feelings you felt, where you were when you expressed them, what sort of things you said, how you felt through it all, how long it took, all the details, and then what truth came to you and how that made you feel.
And I have to say it again, I have over my healing years constantly looked on the Internet hoping to read something exactly like what you post. And so Ha!, here you are having come to me, making it all so easy for me. You sure hearten me - if that’s the right word, make me feel good about it all and all I’m doing.
So thank you Samantha, thank you for your posts and what you say.
P.S: And I have to add, what a relief to read someone just being true to their feelings - and especially their bad ones, instead of all the contrived ‘trying to be nice’ to each other and putting on a show of ‘being loving’. You are just being naturally yourself as you honour your feelings, just as nature honours its feelings and lives its truth, and it all feels so right.
And you saying “I don't have to go anywhere or be anything to help me do this”, which is the beauty of the whole process, something again I’ve wondered if other people will be able to do.
And even though ivy is not a native where I live, still I have very fond memories of it. When I was young we lived for a few years in a house that had two massive gum trees in the back yard, sort of growing up in a tiny ivy covered dell, you might call it. The ivy couldn’t go right up the trees, the gums shed their bark each year making it hard for the ivy to cling onto. But the best part was, on the really hot quiet summer mornings, my brother and I would creep outside before my parents woke up and look under the large dark-green ivy leaves at the base of the gums, looking for newly hatched cicadas. And we’d find them, beautiful big green ones, so soft and fresh, with their wings all newly extended and hardening from having just emerged from their nymph shells which would be clinging to the ivy near them. It was like a treasure hunt finding the cicadas, and then leaving them there to go about their business of climbing up the trees through the day. That was one of the few good memories from my early life.
Now I’m going to tune into Verna and go to your other post.
PPS, I’ve just seen your next wand post with the pictures and your lovely poem - fantastic, they look great, and what a great idea. I can see what you mean by healing wands with all the beautiful crystal pieces.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on May 23, 2014 8:50:20 GMT 10
I created these Copper wands after having a beautiful dream from the Fairy Realm telling me to create them so they are now finished and I took them to my favourite forest to soak up the full magick of the Elementals, it was a great feeling to be in nature, I felt so looked after in the forest, Magickal to be with my little Woodland friend Brunsby.
|
|
|
Post by James on May 23, 2014 14:35:11 GMT 10
I’m glad you feel I’m being of some help Sam, and they look very nice those wands. And what a great experience with the Mother and Father. You won’t have to worry about all They said to you, as it will be in your soul and will come up in due course. You’ll feel it anyway. And are the wands for any specific purpose? And have you ever had ‘healing’ feelings, as in using the wands to help ‘heal’ people. And who is your little Woodland friend Brunsby? How did he(?) come into your life?
|
|
|
Post by James on May 30, 2014 21:23:44 GMT 10
Samantha, It's been bugging me ever since I wrote the above post, as I remembered you meeting various spirits, but I couldn't remember their names, so I went back and found your February 20 post: "I asked Mother and Father to bring forward any of my band that wanted to come forward at this time and waited a very short time and a very eager little Wood Pixie came forward. He was very Zesty and vibrant and his energy felt like the energy I feel when I get a instant creative idea comes to me. I asked for his name and it is Brunsby. How wonderful. Then I Had shown to me a African Warrior called Mazoobetoo, he was very serious and said he comes from the far West corner of Africa and that was all he wanted to say but an introduction was enough and lovely. Then cam in the most beautiful Water spirit called Krista, she was so chatty and has been with me to help me with my fears concerning water and all things of the emotional nature."
So now I remember, and Krista became Christa. Please say hello to them from me. I do feel a great love for the nature spirits and so often wish I could just disappear into their hidden world. And it's a funny thing, but whenever I think of them I'm always picturing them in England. I wish you lived round the corner and we could go for walks in the bush together and you could tell me what they are doing and saying. I wish I was back hidden in the ivy around the base of the large gum trees early on a warm summers morning looking for newly hatched cicadas.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on May 31, 2014 18:19:03 GMT 10
I will be back soon James. I asked My Mother and Father to bring it all up within me, everything that needs healing, no matter how bad it is and I am being answered fully. I have not been able to do anything but write and express all that is coming up, everything has been neglected so that I can find the truth of my feelings, it is just me and My Mother and Father breaking it all down revealing new depths of anger and pointlessness.
I will be back soon
|
|
|
Post by James on May 31, 2014 18:27:23 GMT 10
From Mary: Good girl.
From Me: I'm holding my breath. Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by James on Jun 2, 2014 18:08:31 GMT 10
No, no, it's no good, I don't want to sound like a dick. It's been playing on my mind saying "I'm holding my breath". Really I just wanted to say something like: Yes, I understand. Good luck. I had to talk it over with Marion, and we've been talking it over as it keeps coming up concerning my inability to express truly what I feel, and all because I had no practice of it as I was growing up in my family. And then I missed out at school as well, going to an all-boy school where we didn't share feelings at all. I had no normal socialising (ah, at last I've said the word - 'socialising', I've found it helps so much when I can find the right word, and it's been lurking on the fringes of my mind for weeks, so now I've said it), free to express myself and learn how other people do. And I'm sorry to bore you with my saying how I can't express my feelings for about the millionth time, but as with all of this feeling expression stuff, I, so it seems, need to go over and over it. So I can't even express the simplest things as I don't know what I really feel. So as usual, and I'm so grateful to her, Marion is coaching me in the simple, but highly difficult as I have no natural feel for it, art of communication. I hope it's all going ok for you Samantha if you read this.
And Mary says: Just stay true to yourself. It's only you who matters Samantha, you are the ONLY one who is important. So take good care of yourself through your feelings. All my love, Mary M.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 3, 2014 0:55:47 GMT 10
That is just it James, you and Mary have said it. I am constantly being told I am wrong and it has pushed me so close to the edge and I am uncovering new levels of repressed anger within me with my feelings as to being told I am wrong, wow, the anger that has shown itself at those words " No Sam you are Wrong, no one can be expected to go all the way through their childhood stuff" I am earing it from all directions and its the feelings from being told "I am wrong" that I am healing and expressing and finding the truth of. But I am doing exactly what Mary says and staying true to myself because I know this works, I have spent a life time raking through it all and only now getting the answers and the truth I need to know. It is only me that matters like Mary says. To be told I was wrong nearly killed me inside, that sounds so dramatic but the pain was physical, I couldn't even stand for a whole day like I had been stabbed but I spent the day expressing it all out of me with My Mother and Father and I am now receiving so many revelations which I will soon share with you all. This has been so painful and the biggest hurdle for me as yet and I have been hanging on to Mary and Jesus' Spirit of Truth and pulling at them to show me the way and they never let me down, they feel me and my desperation to know the truth. I will get back now to my writing James but I have seen new depths to my deeply hidden truths and needed all of this to bring it to the light as I asked Mother and Father to help me do.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 5, 2014 4:57:10 GMT 10
I am still deep in it all, even having to sleep during the day to rest but the incredible thing is when I sleep I get the most healing of messages that I can access even deeper answers from my soul. So much is coming up for me about me, so many wow moments although my body feels beaten inside and out. I am asking My Mother and Father to bring more truth up within me all the time now and it is constant but still nothing that is unbearable, painful, deeply painful but all bearable, I am being looked after, I feel it, I have a constant knowing that My Mother and Father want this for me as I do. I have Mary and Jesus showing me the way.
Speak soon. Sam.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 12, 2014 7:25:05 GMT 10
I am still around, reading all of your books James, it all helps me so much with revealing the truth of my feelings. I haven't been able to read anyone else's writing on the Forum but I say HI to you all, I can only handle my own healing at the moment, it would be to much even to read just one persons journey, to distracting for me at this time. So much is revealing itself to me and my motives for doing everything but I am just staying true to my feelings and emptying myself bit by bit with my Mother and my Father.
Speak soon and please thank Mary for her words of comfort, I hear them. x
|
|
|
Post by James on Jun 12, 2014 18:08:07 GMT 10
Thank you Sam for keeping in touch, I do like hearing about what you’re doing. If only briefly. And I have thanked Mary for you. I also keep 'one ear open' for anything else she might want say to you.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jun 13, 2014 2:09:51 GMT 10
Thank you James. I have very little energy at the moment dealing with the weakness I have always felt through being controlled and although it is affecting me physically as it always did, I am working through it and accepting just how weak and powerless I am and always have been and it shows itself as illness, sore throat and so on but I am still functioning unlike in my younger days when I was so weak I couldn't move for days, that is the way I was kept, weak and powerless it all makes so much sense and I am going back into it all through my feelings to reveal so many deeply hidden truths and this makes me feel so much better every day knowing I am doing this myself, healing my feelings with my Mother and Father's help, I feel very comforted throughout all of my healing and they always help to reveal the truth when I ask. Although I feel bad I am glad I do as it is all happening perfectly and I am being given exactly what I need to feel to heal. Speak soon.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Jan 25, 2015 20:56:59 GMT 10
I took this yesterday on the roof of my shop, my beautiful friend. The day before I was talking to one of the other shop keepers about moving the moss on my roof and she told me to get hold of the council, they will remove it. I left it and went in yesterday and as I was opening up I felt stuff being dropped on my head, I looked up an my magpie messenger was on my roof clearing off the Moss and throwing it at me and over the edge of the roof. I was crying with laughter at the amazement that I had been heard and I had no need to worry, it will all be sorted out. During the day he kept coming back and working on, he began to clear my roof and the pathway out the front was covered so I did my part and got the broom out and swept it away, we were working together, me and nature, it was a beautiful feeling and I was so grateful for being heard and having the help.
|
|
|
Post by James on Jan 26, 2015 0:13:15 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by wesley on Jan 26, 2015 6:52:59 GMT 10
Wow the perfect part about nature working alongside with you is beautiful. Nature being all perfect drawing you in to there love is an eye away. My older brother told me how I used play in nature with no fear. Finding so many different types of insects and releasing them afterwards. How I used to have bees walk on my fingertips and all types of insects that seemed to be hard to find. And also loving nature being our partners to learn more about being perfect being so far away. And the video with Neil Young shows nature is a perfect place for us.
|
|
|
Post by James on Jan 26, 2015 17:32:07 GMT 10
And your beautiful experiences compared to this
And because we can't be left with our bad feelings: here
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Mar 21, 2015 0:46:15 GMT 10
Well the Eclipse came and went here, its cloudy and Grey in Basingstoke, England and nothing to see. All the New Agers were revelling in the usual way of seeing this as yet another false turning point for humanity, I cant even be bothered to go into the meanings they have put on it all. To me it has just been more excuses to not to look to their feelings for the truth. They are still so deeply entrenched on looking outside of themselves for the answers blaming the planets, the Sun, the Moon for their emotional dramas blaming nature for the reasons they all feel so bad and make any excuse they can to blame nature and the universe for their pains and problems and telling everyone that listens to them that this eclipse will help in the ascension from 3D to 5D and we all will feel the leap, just the same as the 2012 illusion that many of the New age authors were putting out there and they all went very quiet when the day came and went and they didn't really feel the change promised by so many who were making lots of money out of the whole saga. These people claim to be so in touch with nature and the universe but I see it as a very unloving relationship with Nature as they blame it for all of there pains, depressions and woe's and if they are affected in any way to what nature brings they would never see it as an opportunity brought to them so they can feel the pain that has always been it them from conception, all to reveal the supressed pain of their childhood repression so nature is doing a loving service for them if they feel the are affected by anything nature has to bring. Everything Nature brings to us for us to feel is an opportunity to heal, all through the way we feel. I felt the temperature drop as the Eclipse occurred at 9.30 am and the light dim and all I could think was this Eclipse is casting the shadow of truth over Europe, showing us how little spiritual light there is here and how truly plunged into darkness we are.
|
|
|
Post by wesley on Mar 21, 2015 3:01:14 GMT 10
So true. In my neighbor hood nature is devoured all year long. Just beautify there living. Trees being cut down because of breaking limbs and leaves. Through my healing I am really starting to appreciate nature so much more. And they change nature to suit there eye. Not the true look of it. Just let your grass grow an inch or so and you'll see what they think of you. And they are the ones who so call love nature. In the fall the leaves fall in abundance and we have leaves pick up times. They lay into mounds. So you have to rake them. An odd thing happened to me a couple of days ago. I went to the play ground which has a small forest of trees there. As all the leaves have falling I took notice of the leaves beneath them. There was a transformation going on with the leaves and the weeds. The leave shapes and colors took on a soft glow and the weeds were light. So nature in its true form was perfect. The spring comes all is back perfectly without racking one leaf. But in our neighborhood nothing like that happens. Very amazing.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Mar 22, 2015 3:46:41 GMT 10
Yes Wesley all amazing and Nature needs none of our intervention, it will deal with everything its self in its natural way, we have such a need to control and ruin everything and show our evilness to our neighbours if they don't such as happened to me when I first moved in to my house 15 years ago. My neighbour's first words to me were, "The last people loved their garden, they always kept a tidy garden" like it was a threat to me to keep their legacy, Like my parents threatening me to keep a tidy room like my sister did, more parenting and the feeling was the same I felt from my neighbours comment as I felt from my Parents, the same feeling of more interfering with me, more threats, more your not as good as the last neighbours/your not as good as your sister. Every time Nature helps me to get down to the core of my feeling repression with my forming years, no matter what I see in nature I can trace it back to my healing of my feelings, allowing me to discover the truth in the way I feel about nature. As you say Very Amazing. I worry about the grass getting to long and out of hand and nature helps me to feel this need I have to control everything in my life in fear of it getting out of control, overwhelming me, my fear of being overwhelmed so I try to stop myself feeling that by keeping everything under control, nature helps me see this grief within me, the terror of that uncontrollable eruption of feelings that has terrified me all my life because I have never been allowed to experience the depths of my feelings having been stopped before I get to the grief, its all so damaging to a child to deny them the healing opportunity to go to those depths all because of the parents damaged feelings of not wanting to feel it themselves. Nature lets me feel the depths I need to go to and I have had to deal with my addiction by letting the grass grow and allow myself to feel the fear of it all being out of control and it feels like there is no hope, no one to help me, no one to save me, what am I going to do, how am I going to cope with it all, I am alone with this, It is to much for me, what will people think of me, I am hated, I have let everyone down, I want to hide, I want to pretend it isn't happening, I want to deny it, I want someone to take it away so I don't have to feel, I DONT WANT TO BE REPSONSABLE. This is a huge one for me Wesley, Responsibility for myself and all I do and say and create in this world, how do I do it when my parents did it all for me, took away all of my personal responsibility so I had nothing to do, nothing to worry about, I felt totally disabled and never wanted to be responsible for anything being so fearful of it and me not being capable or worthy of doing anything alone without my parents control. Now I am undoing their damage as I have become the controller now, as they taught me to be. Nature has taught me about my need to control, all from by back garden, nature isn't out of control it is just being natural and I want to control it because of my fears and because I am out of control so I need every thing manageable and then I will feel safe and in control. By letting the grass grow and then allowing my feelings to flow I have touched the many emotions that I needed to feel and it was a revelation to me about my fear of responsibility and took me to my relationship with my husband and how I didn't want a husband but a substitute for my parents so I didn't have to make any decisions or be responsible for anything, so I didn't have to take the blame if it all went wrong and maybe be told off, punished, attacked or worse. Then he was gone, and I was the lost child again feeling like an orphan being forced to grow up and make all the decisions. All this from nature and I find it truly amazing where it all takes me in my healing.
|
|
|
Post by James on Mar 22, 2015 12:07:19 GMT 10
I wanted to post this yesterday leaving it to the evening like I usually do. But my head is still playing up and by the evening I can’t look at the screen, so I’m going to change and do morning posts.
Yes Sam it’s sad with so many people still hoping something will save them, and even that they are in some way being influential in the turning of humanity around, when all they are doing is contributing to mankind’s evilness making things even worse for themselves. I don’t know if you could see the eclipse here, we weren’t interested in it other than just another beautiful sight and wonder of nature. This whole business of people suddenly progressing into a higher consciousness, I don’t understand where it all comes from and how can people seriously believe such things could happen. All I can image is they are connecting with their own death when they will move into a new consciousness level. The New Age was vaguely plausible when I started out in it, but now with all this sort of rubbish, it’s all gone wacky. I’m enjoying letting go of the outside more so everyday so far as it having anything to do spiritually or otherwise other than providing me with experiences and the feelings I need that gives rise to the truth in me. I think many people will need to have a major and shocking let-down experience, religious and New Agers alike. It all being how we are all to eventually feel, if we don’t already feel it - let down by our parents, their not loving us as we’ve believed they did. So I can’t help but see these people being set up for a nasty fall, which is of course in keeping with the whole End Times thing. Those people aware that the End Times might be happening are of course betting they are on the right horse, but what if all the horses fail. And the only good thing about that would be at least everyone would be in the same situation with no religious or New Age belief system being better than another - so no winner. And this would then set things up well for moving into the next age that is possibly more open and not already polluted and swayed by existing systems. All that’s been created within Mary’s and Jesus’ age I am feeling more will in some way come to an end, even if it’s only markedly scaled back. But so far as the big one religion or spiritual system taking over, I don’t know about that - possibly, but it would be nice to think they all get nailed and with people looking to new areas of help and a whole new spiritual start... such as what DLS offers. If it doesn’t end with it all falling apart, I don’t see the point of it all taking off again with humanity trying to remake what was, all so we could eventually get to the same point we’re at now. However, until God gives me the scoop - ha, ha, I don’t know anything.
And I hate that too Wes always having to cut and rake up the grass and leaves instead of leaving them on the ground in their beauty blowing around. We had a huge old plane tree at school with its leaves confined to the quadrangle which thankfully were not tided up and removed and lots of black crickets would live in them, the only bits of nature in our otherwise natrueless school. And yesterday I found a new lake - wetland - at Wonthaggi, and walking around it delighted in the little fish, ducks and water plants growing along its edge, and the surrounding grass was full of grasshoppers, beautiful greens and browns. There was a strong Northerly blowing and I was looking at the flower spike of a bullrush and pulled some of the seeds off which are so downy soft letting them be taken up into the air. And to think of those small seeds blowing far and wide in the hope of finding another lake or dam or water of some sort, then to land in it near the edge and germinate... ah it’s too much to get my head around, all so magnificent and so incredible.
And yes Sam I can relate to all you say, it’s all so right all your bad feelings and all they are helping you see about yourself and everything else. We have to keep the grass mowed as we’re renting, but wish we could live in a place and let it be natural. And in the having to do the mowing, that’s brought up so many things for us both. So many creatures getting slaughtered each time I mow, I hate being the monster unfeeling person weeping through the land hellbent on destruction of all that’s beautiful. And the noise of the mower, and the petrol and oil, all we make it so anti-life. We couldn’t do our healing without natures help, as it’s always helping us get more in touch with our true natures. It all goes hand in hand which I’m still realising.
|
|
|
Post by James on Mar 22, 2015 13:50:13 GMT 10
I’m still so worried that what I write is stupid and you’ll all laugh at me and I’ll feel rejected and so miserable and unwanted. Did what I say to you Sam and Wes sound all right? I didn’t sound too patronising or superior or..., did I? Did I say it in the right way, should I have said it in another way... Should I have even replied, should I say nothing at all... I don’t know.... and what should I do?
And then I’m worrying about it and my mind is distracted and I’m not listening to what Marion is saying properly and then I say the wrong answer showing I’m distracted and then I am caught out again, then I’m scared she - who is mum - is going to yell at me making me feel even stupider, and then because I’m even more scared, I screw up the next thing... and my mind is a fog, I goes numb, I close down, and yet she’s yelling at me and I’m meant to be listening and sorting out my problem and learning what I did wrong so I NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
But I do it again because how can I think properly when my mind is frazzled and I’m in a fog, a blur, and my head is hurting and I’m worried my brain is going to mush and I won’t be a normal person... and she’s yelling at me again to behave myself, but I’m too far gone, I’m lost, but she doesn’t understand and I have to try and struggle back, struggle along, but I don’t know anything, I’m a blank...
And I wish it would all end, she would go away, I would go away, I could go to sleep, and block it all out and forget about it, and start afresh and never have to again.... never, never - fucking NEVER!
But then I said a swear word and now I’m in for it even more because I’m not allowed to swear and it’s on again and she’s yelling at me and my mind is more frazzled and I can’t think, I can’t listen, but I have to as she’s yelling in my face and pushing and pulling me and I want it to end, I want to disappear - to fly away, but I can’t and I don’t know what to do... and... and.... SCREAMING!
I never stopped screaming. I did on the outside, you can’t hear me, but now I know I am always screaming on the inside. I never stopped screaming, I never felt good, cared about, secure enough to stop screaming. I’m screaming my brains out, screaming my mind into mush, it’s gone, I’m mush, I can’t think anymore, I don’t want to think, it hurts too much, it’s all too much, I can’t go on, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to do anything... Crying.
I never stopped crying too.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 5, 2017 23:19:18 GMT 10
I am so pissed off, one minute its hot next its cold, as quick as that it makes me feel so up and down I cant settle, comfortable then uncomfortable. I want to stay outside in my comfy chair in the warm Sun but then the sun goes away and its heat is withdrawn from me, the clouds come and I feel cold and uncomfortable and I hate feeling cold and uncomfortable, I want to feel the truth of these feelings, I don't want to waste them. I don't now how I feel, I am feeling very confused as my feelings go up and down with the weather. I want to feel comfortable and good but it keeps changing and now the wind is picking up, I don't like it and I feel angry with the weather, it keeps disturbing me, constantly interrupting me and how I want to feel. Oh great now the guy next door is mowing his lawn, I am getting so pissed off, I never have any peace and quiet time to myself. I am growing in anger, I can feel it inside.
Help me please Mother and Father feel the truth of this, I need your help, I am confused and angry, God I feel so angry. All of my senses are confused as I get more disturbed by the changing weather and the noise, I feel bombarded with disruption. Its all changing so quickly, to quick for me, I can never have it how I want it, I can never feel just warm and comfortable without being so interfered with. Now I feel cold and cant warm up unless I go inside or put on a jumper and I don't want to do that. I am so cold now and not feeling good at all but feeling withdrawn, shrivelled up, alone, unsafe, uncared about, it feels so awful being this cold when all I want to be is warm, safe, loved, happy, comfy and ok. But I am sitting out here feeling cold in the summer and I am so pissed off and angry.
Oh wow, now its warm again, just a second and it has changed, I ask the weather to help me feel what I need to feel, Mother and Father let the weather show me please what I am denying. Now I am so warm and feeling good and very comfortable but inside me I am waiting for the worst, waiting for it to all change, waiting to be disappointed again. I am feeling so much deep doom waiting to come up, deep disappointment at having to give up feeling good for any period of time as the bad stuff comes back. I have to make the most of this warmth it wont last. Before I know it the clouds come back and plunge me back into deep feelings of disappointment and anger leaving me so confused at the ups and downs of this feeling, showing me how it was as a child having what I thought was their love and then it being withdrawn from me leaving me so confused, not being able to trust them or anyone that may say they love me, not even God, I cant believe anyone, its all to confusing.
The weather is helping me reveal so much truth about how it was for me. I feel so angry that I cant just feel any amount of warmth for any amount of time before it all changes and makes me feel horrible again as the cold clouds come over and take away my good feelings. Up and down, there is no constant and this is true of my childhood. As the weather changes it confuses me so much making me feel good then bad, which one is it, there is no stability for me, its to changeable, I cant bare it any more. The weather is showing me the truth of how it was and how confused it made me feel as I felt love, then have that love taken away just as quick, am I loved or not?
I feel so confused and fucked up as I feel the changing feelings that the weather is helping me feel, how can any child live like this with such changeable extremes of emotion to feel not knowing any truth and not being able to trust any form of love that comes its way from anyone because of how it all changes so quickly, how can you trust that? No constant, stable, safe feelings of being loved.
I am feeling the terror or that instability as the weather changes from minute to minute, throwing me into deeper confusion, I am now foggy headed, I am feeling very insane with these feelings and there extremes. I feel like I have Bipolar or something, up then down, I cant trust either end of these emotions, they leave me with nothingness. The highest highs and the lowest lows, just as the weather is showing me, that is how it was for me as a child, that is how confused I was and I feel so crazy inside, mad but have tried to hold it all together all my life with my mind, never letting it be known the extremes I was feeling, I was so ashamed.
I am now feeling that I was never feeling stable with how I was loved because at times it felt like I was hated, it is unbelievable to me and I feel I am in shock at the truth I am feeling today. This instability has left me never being connected to myself, always floating outside of myself never being able to connect with my feelings so I can be grounded but just in a constant state of confusion. I felt numb most of my life and missed out on my life since the age of 18 just living in fear and terror of myself and life. I cant trust myself or anyone because of how I felt so confused about love as a child, I couldn't trust it and its extremes just like the hot and cold of the weather today, I cant trust it to keep my comfortable and warm.
As I am feeling deeper and deeper into this shock the weather has changed again and it has begun to rain and a strong wind has built up, as I grow in my sadness and anger, the rain is telling me to cry and the wind is telling me to let it out, let it blow and I am going with it, following its direction and as I get more into it all it is now thundering and the Hail has started and I want to go with it too, let it all out as it is showing me, just express it, it is like the weather is hearing me ask it for help and it is showing me what to do as I feel the extremes it is showing me, the truth of how I feel. This is just incredible what I am feeling, it sounds crazy but it is just me and the weather, teaching me how to express it out of me, it is hearing my every word and it knows what is inside of me as the thunder rolls above me, I am thundering with it as that is how anger feels. Just amazing to feel this truth and experience it like this with nature helping me.
|
|
|
Post by James on Aug 6, 2017 21:44:32 GMT 10
I loved how it all happened for you, that was beautiful how the wind, rain and hail came to help you - how you wrote it all out as you felt it. And god how much I can relate to all of that, being so affected by the weather helping us both nearly every day with something to express. And the man doing his mowing - I want to scream! How much I’d love to live away from everyone else.
|
|