Reflecting on it some more though. It is inspiring when you find that your children are finding their own truths without and indeed regardless of what we have taught and "trained" into them as young ones and we are trying to unlearn in ourselves. That really is inspiring! The children become the teachers - it's nice to still be on Earth when that happens, if you can accept it!
I see what you are saying but today I feel like there is no hope for them. I am feeling very down with it all and even if they show a glimmer of their own truth it is still all based on untruth, it can be no other way for them coming from untrue, unhealed parents. And what does 'Their own truth' mean, it means it is not Gods truth so it cant be truth. Its like in the new age circles they go on about your truth, my truth we all have to find our own truth but that never felt right to me, how can there be so many versions of truth and we all believing that we are right in our own truth and then when that truth is attacked by someone else's truth all war breaks out because they don't believe our version of the truth is right. Only when we know Gods truth, the one truth can we all live peacefully and live it so that our children are born into it and also live it.
My children have pulled me up on the fact that I have taught them one way, now I am saying that all I have taught them is wrong! They do it all the time with me and I have had to say how wrong I have been about everything and it has been a complete turn around for them and they have such a strong misguided love for me that they don't want to hear me saying sorry to them, how sorry I am for leading them into my evilness and away from love and truth.
I want my children to hate me, really, really hate me at least then we would be getting into some sort of turn around of truth but they are still not wanting to hear that their Mum is wrong, so very wrong and what they believe is wrong also. I wish they could shout and scream at me for what I have done to them because it hurts me so much to hear them not being able to accept the truth of how wrong and evil I have been in their growing years but to them this is love, I am a loving Mother. In the worlds view I am a loving Mother and it is all so wrong.
I have had a few breakthroughs with them just recently in the way of how my daughter deals with her friends problems and my son's Girlfriend's problems and they have both followed my example of what I do with my son and daughter when they have pain, just being there for them and listening without stopping them from expressing but encouraging them to go on, go deeper, which is very good and they have both come to me and asked me about this and how it allowed the other person to get it all out and they found it worked, so slowly some of my feeling healing ways are being taken on by them and they are beginning to use those ways in their lives and relationships but it is going to take time.
I hear what you're saying Sam and I have some understanding of how you might be motivated to want your children to hate you to 'fix' themselves, but I have to confess that I cannot understand that desire at all. My experience of hate and anger has always been that they are based upon a lack of understanding - a lack of communication, a lack of truth. I cannot yet speak of the difference between one's views of truth and God's truth, for I don't feel there is a difference in "the Truth" - perhaps only in how much we mortals can see of it at any one time. I guess that's how there appears to be differences in people's view of the truth.
Because I don't understand, your description, it just sounds like masochism and so I wonder how you come to feel that way and why would God want anyone to Hate anyone else rather than find the feelings - bitterness, jealously, betrayal, anguish or whatever and resolve them through expression? Do you hate you? Do you need to? Is it better for you if they hate you? Why is it bad if they don't hate you? Is their growth timetable not fast enough? So many questions - maybe too many - sorry if it's too weird me asking them.
Maybe James has some other insights he can offer here.
L Edit: This isn't meant to be an attack on you Sam and I'm really sorry if it reads that way. I want to know how your feelings have led you to want this of yourself and your children. Maybe I still have too much "new age" happy-lovey thoughts still going in my head.
Thank you again Sam for putting so much of yourself up here and out there for others like me to read and learn - us all to help and learn with really.
My feelings can appear as being alarming to most but they are MY feelings and have to be felt. The feelings of wanting my children to hate me comes from the remorse I feel from the damage I have done. Its like when you have done something bad and you don't get punished for it but rewarded, it has a bad underlying feeling that it is wrong, rewarding someone for lying is how I feel about them loving me, its like, don't love me I have been bad to you and damaged you but to them as they are not doing their healing as I am, they cant see it, that I have been any different to any other parent, but I know it, I know what I have done and I am now feeling the remorse and it keeps coming as I see what I have done to them in their every day lives.
I know my feelings can be very alarming and mad, others might think 'Why is she doing this to herself', but I am growing more and more sensitive to my feelings and sometimes they are incredibly scary but have to be felt, I want no stone left unturned because I want to heal, that is my desire above all else and any feelings that arise in me have to be accepted no matter how awful they are. My parents and people around me think that I am losing my mind, going over the top with all this and are waiting for me to be ok again but that will never happen, I never want to be ok again, in the worlds view of being ok and normal and fitting in, that has been to damaging for me to fit in with what others want for me.
Even writing this I am aware of the feelings coming up of having to explain myself because I have been a bad girl and said something that upsets someone, 'we don't want to hear that from you Sam' I am feeling very child like as I write so this tells me it is a feeling from my child hood coming up. We don't understand you Sam, why are you saying these things, stop being silly, you will make yourself ill Sam, you are over thinking Sam, stop being a drama queen Sam, Don't say such awful things Sam, we don't want to hear that from you Sam, Sam, stop being evil, you are making us uncomfortable Sam, stop being stupid Sam, how can you think such awful things Sam, You are having a breakdown Sam, take that back Sam and don't speak like that, say sorry for feeling that way Sam, Stop using the Hate word its a bad word to use, you don't hate anyone Sam, Wanting your children to hate you, what rubbish Sam, don't say such things, and so on...........
My children are now 23 and 18, adults really and now dealing with life based on the errors I have taught them and I see that playing out all the time with them and I die inside because I can see the harm I have caused, how can I not feel total remorse for what I have done now I am healing myself and that is making me feel very , very bad and bad that they love me when I know this lie inside me, that how I have parented them has been a lie, I am a sham of a parent, that is how I feel. When I see the truth all I can do is feel the pain and that I don't deserve their love for what I have done.
Every thing I feel, no matter how vile and awful it sounds has to be accepted by me and worked through by expressing it to God and I feel that God wants me to be true to how I feel if that is my desire, and it is. As I ask God to help me bring up my vileness, God always responds to me bringing me feelings and pictures of what I have done because I want it so much and I feel the physical pain and it brings up a terror in me that I will have to live with the pain for ever but I know that this is all good as I am healing and it is all coming up in my awareness to be healed.
No one around me wants me to heal or understands why I am doing this to myself, I feel very misunderstood and your message has helped me to feel more of that pain about not being understood which is all good, it helps me feel more that needs to come out, all the time I am feeling a feeling, it is all good.
I don't think I'm alarmed by your feelings, I just don't feel the same and so seek your feelings, reasons and answers. I feel very lucky to have you and James on here - able to articulate what you feel and why and where it comes from, even to the hard questions. I ask these questions so that I may understand more about how and why people feel things differently.
I feel I want to write more, but I want to let what you've written sink in some more first and see how I feel about it all within myself.
Sam feels the feelings, they are in her Lokii, she’s not making them up. They are very real, and how she feels them is very personal for her, which is right, because they are her, and they can’t be judged by another - or at least they shouldn’t be, we can all judge each other. So really Sam needs to be fully respected, and although you or myself or her parents or anyone else might not understand her, it’s not for us to understand, it’s for herself to understand herself. And if we want to understand her, then we can ask her to please tell us more so we can understand, which I think is what your true underlying motives are Lokii, although you are also caught up in your minds control so being the parent - to Sam you’re being her parents - saying no, you can’t be as you are. But of course she can be as she is, she can be, we can all be, as we want to be - who’s to say we can’t? However when she pushes your fear buttons, it’s hard to go with her, hard to not want to stop her, because you want her to stop making you feel bad. But really she’s not actually making you feel bad, she’s only reflecting stuff inside you that’s already making you feeling bad. If it wasn’t inside you, then she could do whatever it was and it wouldn’t make you feel bad. We only feel bad because of what someone else does, because that was done to us on the feelings level, and we’re scared of it being done again.
Lokii, you ask Sam: Do you hate you? And the answer is, if she feels she does, then yes she does. Do you need to? And it’s the same answer, if she feels she does, then she does, and why she does is for her to find out through her feelings. Is it better for you if you hate you? And she feels it is, then it is, and she can long to find out why. And so on with our questions. However the questions might be good in helping Sam to bring more up in herself, so they still need to be asked if you feel you need to ask them - then you can seek the truth of why you need to ask them through your feelings. For example, is what Sam says scaring you, hence your need for these questions trying to lessen the fear?
And you say Lokii, that you experience of hate and anger has always been based on lack of understanding, so if you can find understanding then the hate and anger goes. But that’s seeking resolution through the mind. Our Healing is not about seeking resolution, it’s not about trying to stop ourselves feeling hatred, anger or any other bad feeling, it’s about allowing ourselves to feel them all and all right to the end of them, all because they are there festering away within us. And the end then ONLY comes when we’ve expressed them all out of ourselves. So trying to seek resolution before they have all come out, is only interfering with the Healing process, it’s getting the mind to assert its usual control. And whilst we’re expressing them, we are longing for the truth of them, with the truth coming to light of its own accord as our soul reveals it to us. So it’s not about stopping the bad feelings. Anything that interferes with how you are feeling is what needs to be stopped. Our feelings need to absolutely free to all come out, and we’ve no idea as to what they are or what depths they are within us, as Sam is showing. Her feelings as she backs off her mind control take her deeper and deeper, and might sound maddening and bizarre or like she’s losing the plot or whatever else she’s accused of, however it’s only that we’re not used to people expressing such deep bad feelings. We only allow ourselves mostly superficial feelings at best or worst, shying away from the really bad stuff. And the really bad stuff would put people in institutions in the old days, women being called mad, but they are only mad because their people around them and society in general didn’t allow them to be as bad-feeling expressive as they needed to be. And how are we to know the depths of pain that might be in us or someone else? We have no idea as to how much we’ve all suffered. And so although it’s really hard, particularly when you do like and love someone, to step back and let them go for it, just being supportive as they spew all their most vileness out all over you, it’s what has to be done.
Sam I think it’s really good all you’ve said. You can’t do it more truly than you are, and your commitment to yourself is wonderful. And I know where you’re coming from Lokii, because that’s how I was. And I can only now support Sam because of all Marion has expressed herself, the depths of her pain, and all she’s put me through doing it. I have fought and resisted and tried to stop her, and still I do in some ways, and she’s fought me for the freedom to express all the madness she’s felt, and shit it’s been bad, and yet it’s also all in me, so I’ve found out, only I don’t express it with the full-on pain and intensity she and Sam do. And I think they do because they are both able to give freely over to their feelings, and are willing to let their feelings take them into hell and back, for that’s where they’ll lead you, because where else can they lead you when you feel so unloved that you’re on the line of being annihilated by the very people who should only have loved you.
Lokii, if you want to support Sam, then if you can think along the lines of she’s going to take you into depths unheard of and ones in which you’re going to be screaming with the terror of them, however if you can still encourage her to keep going, keep working to bring all the pain out, that’s the best thing. And then for you to keep voicing your protests and objections, whilst understanding you are doing so because of your fear and you want really to shut her down, just as you wanted your parents to stop, but still whatever happens, you still want her to keep going, even if it means pulling your hair out along the way.
It’s making me think, that if people like Sam do commit to their Healing, then the best those with them can do is support them no matter how bad it gets, even if they end up in the clinic or jumping off a bridge, because it’s what they want to do, and they should be absolutely free to explore and express every feeling they feel. And if they push buttons in us, then that’s for us to work to express those bad feelings, with our feeling grateful to them for pushing those buttons, for taking us further and into parts of ourselves that we’re too scared to go into, we needing their example and confrontation to break us out of our mind control and more into our feelings.
And for you Sam to fight for your feelings, as you say, they are MY feelings, and they are, that’s great. Marion has fought me for hers, for her right to express them, to have them, which is really fighting her parents for them, and boy she has had to fight very hard at times, screaming at the top of her lungs for me to stop and leave her be to express them. And I have needed to be screamed at because I thought how she was being, so hard on herself, beating and berating the shit out of herself, was wrong and bad and hurting herself even more and only making her feel worse. All like you are accused of Sam by others. But now seeing Marion come through it, well fuck me, she is still growing in feeling better about herself each day. And still the truth about her parents comes to her, so clear now, and I would never have believed it possible without seeing the changes in her that are now happening. I thought she would have died, ripped herself apart, drowned in the misery of it all, and still she’s pushing the envelope because her body is still giving her problems, yet no way is she going to the doctor or do anything about it until she’s expressed all her pain and bad feelings and there’s nothing else to do and she feels she must then see a doctor. However I think she’d probably rather just die with the pain than subject herself to a doctor saying no she can’t be how she feels she wants to be. But it’s so hard, all my programming is compromised, and yet it’s exhilarating seeing her do it, and she is setting a wonderful example for me, pushing me way beyond anything I’ve ever heard or read about. And if I’d not been with Marion through it all, all you are doing Sam would freak me out too, and I’d be saying, but enough is enough surely, surely you don’t have to suffer so much when you’ve already suffered so much. And when I’ve felt these things about you Sam from some of your posts, reading all the horror you’re going through, as I’ve expressed those feelings to Marion, she’s just said all you are doing is right and for me to leave you alone and not interfere. Marion has helped me see that in doing our Healing, it’s not that suddenly we’ve started doing this bad thing to ourselves making us suffer more, because we’re already, so still, suffering it, we’ve not stopped suffering it just because we’re not aware of it, so we’re only bringing out all what’s still going on inside us, all that happened to us back then. The truth of our unloving relationships.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
So much in what you write James, Thank you. And thank you Lokii for questioning me, it helps me and brings up so much for me to feel. I am very exhausted right now, feeling weak and very low so I cant write much more but I do thank you both, I am so drained and feeling very hopeless about myself.
And I want to thank you both for helping me understand more about the Healing, and my own healing. I hope from what I’ve said LOK11 that I’ve not put you off asking your questions, there is value in all of them. The contrast between what you say and what Sam says is perfect for me to see the same contrast between myself and Marion. And I’ve been reflecting upon all you’ve both said all week, with lot of things coming up as a result. It is incredible how it all feeds in, goes into the mixing pot and then all this stuff comes out - lots of feelings and more understanding. It’s the interaction that is so crucial. That what is inside us comes out. And I’m sorry for writing so much, but I think the last post was possibly one of my most crucial in the Healing.
Love to you both, James.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
By now, I think you both know that I will ask my questions. It is good for me to have articulate and detailed answers. I don't feel pressured to have to agree if I feel differently. I do hope I have been respectful to both of your feelings expressed here. I don't mean any disrespect if I write that I don't understand or I don't have the same feeling. I concede that I don't understand hate and I don't feel it. I can understand anger and I concede that I have repressed it substantially for many decades, but I also say that it scared me when I first saw my anger and I have not desired to visit it again. Perhaps I am describing rage rather than just anger. I have been in a rage once to tear another human apart - physically! This wasn't a little 'punch you in the face' moment like his final hit to me was, this was raw and ugly and tear the flesh from his bones, rip his head from his body rage. His or my angels (not sure I'm using the correct terms) helped us and I could not reach him in that moment or my life would have been very different now. Rage is not measured or adjustable like anger, it seems to me to be a 'point and shoot' event, completely uncontrolled, and uncontrollable. At this point, I would not want to see my rage ever again, nor would I ever wish it upon someone else as the deliverer or recipient. I feel the same about hate.
James, your description of my understanding of hate and anger as a resolution may be correctly describing my process, but I meant my question to ask: why would you want to have that feeling of hatred. I (and obviously I can't speak for you guys) have never felt a enough benefit from bringing hate and anger to anything. I have always found it messed with my ability to express the feelings out load to another. I get frustrated then at my inability to communicate. Maybe that's the feeling I need to look more at, but being scared of my anger generating results I don't want, seems to be the hard part to look at. Thanks for the comments and descriptions about how to support Sam or any other I guess doing their healing. I'm about half way through The Ann and Terry book and, as you say, it's interesting how all the things that go into the mixing pot generate unexpected feelings.
Again, I wish to say that I greatly appreciate the long answers from you both and James, your ability to convey what you and Marion have fought your way through and share with us is very helpful.
“Why would you want to have that feeling of hatred?” What I want you to understand Lokii, is that it’s not about wanting the bad feelings or not, it’s that they are already within you, so you don’t have much say in it as to when they are to come up. I only say I want the bad feelings because I understand they are buried within me, and I want them to come up and out, but of themselves, no, I hate feeling bad, and had I a choice in it, would never want them. But that all again is controlling with the mind. Because things happen to us and we feel feelings, which are uncontrollable, they just happen, and so I am advocating going with them, instead of quickly trouncing them forcing to behave as you believe they should, mostly by banishing them.
From what you’ve said, your hated and rage scared the shit out of you, and I completely understand that you’d not want to go there into them again. It will be interesting to see how your healing of all that rage and anger does come up, and I imagine it will be in smaller parts when you decide you do want to bring it all out, leading you progressively into the trauma that is generating it. And then when you get to the core of the trauma, you’ll feel as you felt in your rage with that person, wanting to rip them apart, but without the physical person you need to do it to, as it will more than likely then be directed at your parents.
So as I said in the previous post, our Healing is our submitting to our feelings. Not being judgemental of them, just accepting. And then expressing all they are making us feel, whilst wanting to see the truth of why we’re feeling them. So it’s just allowing yourself to feel them, nothing more. Do you understand that, because if you do, I won’t keep going on about it? So when you are ready to begin your Healing, I guess then you’ll be ready to allow whatever bad feelings you feel to come up, and all of their own accord, so without trying to control the process, just flowing with it.
And talking about it all with you Lokii, is helping me to understand there will be people, such as yourself, who might understand the need to do their Healing, and know it will happen at some point, but there’s a time of ‘preparation’ before it begins in earnest. And that time of getting ready for it, understanding about it and what’s involved, might take many years, even preparing them for when they arrive in spirit. And the time as to how long the preparation might be, is irrelevant in the bigger picture, what’s a few years learning about the thing before you start doing it? I had wrongly thought, that as soon as people understood about the need to do their Healing, they would want to start it, or it would just start, but now you are showing me that’s not right. And I can see the value in the preparation time, for things change and need time to work through and for you to introduce to your mind the new platform from which to work from when you do begin your Healing. Whereas other people like Sam will plunge straight in, feeling it’s right, and they’ll work it out as they go.
So I can see why you Lokii have come to the forum from my point of view, to help me understand that.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I am having a truly awful time, total overwhelment of feelings as I reflect back on so much of the disappointment in my life which I had just denied and shrugged off. As I have been feeling my way through some of it I began to feel a wave of terror rise up in me, I felt disconnected from myself completely like I had floated out, trying to get away. It was so hard to keep feeling when the terror made me want to run, move, do anything to distract myself from feeling this terror. I was so dizzy I was on the verge of passing out, I am still dizzy now and still so scared of feeling this terrified.
It all begun when someone wanted something from me and then she didn't, something that has occurred so many times throughout my life, one minute you are up, then you are down so confusing. I was angry and very let down and I asked Mother and Father to help me feel more about this and why I need it to happen to me so much. I felt instant disappointment which I have felt as an undertone within me all of my life and hadn't really nailed it until today how disappointment was always with me in some quiet undisturbed way. This situation which was very small with this person letting me down has turned into something very big for me. This has shown me the truth of how I have felt and how it was for me as a child being built up and then being let down by mum and dad constantly and I have done the same to my children.
Being built up to believe they loved me but then showing anger and smacking me, but before they said they loved me!!! I am still that confused child. Am I loved or Hated?? They said they loved me but I never felt wanted or loved by them, especially dad, never, so I stayed away from him, I never got close or asked him for anything because I knew he wouldn't want to do anything for me. I can remember asking mum to scratch my back when I was about 4/5 and she said go and ask dad to do it and the feeling is still with me, dread, fear, resistance, but I just went over and sat on his lap and I could feel how much he hated doing it and I hated having him do it, God it was so awful having someone that you know doesn't love you, touch you, mum had made us both do something we both didn't want to do!
When you are told you are loved but know and feel you are not is such a huge disappointment and stays with you forever and is shown to you in everything you do and every interaction and relationship. I have been lied to by my parents, they just used empty words with no feelings from the heart entering me from them so I know they didn't love me. I felt some from mum but nothing from dad. When you are told you are loved and wanted and then you feel anger and hate from them who can you trust in life if not your own parents, no one!
This little interaction today really hit me how I have been told I am wanted, then not. The truth of that has overwhelmed me so much that I felt like I would die of the terror of being so unwanted and so then very unsafe in this world, I have no one if I am not loved by mum and dad, I have no safety if I have no love as a foundation in my life, everything I do is built on lies and fear because I never felt love from my creators, if they didn't love me then who can!! That is terrifying to feel that annihilation inside of you no wonder I nearly passed out its the truth of how I feel, non-existent. Everything I have ever done is done to replace the feelings I never felt as a child, Love.
I am still in the fear of my feelings and feeling very unsteady and unsure of myself, just waiting for the next wave of terror to hit me throughout the day, dreading it coming but also trying to accept it is how I feel, it is how scared I am and it is all coming up for me to see, its a very good thing but I am so scared of its consuming power over me to nearly snuff me out. It amazes me that this is the power behind the fear that I have denied, so much that it has the power to take me over and make me pass out nearly, is this really how scared I was of my dad?? Yes this is the truth being shown to me, this is how terrified I am when love has been withdrawn from me.
Yes, I can relate to what you’ve said Sam. I’ve not felt like passing out, I don’t feel my feelings as passionately as you, however as I worked my way into my terror and feeling like I’m about to be annihilated, I too have realised, been amazed, but know it’s true, just how terrified I was of mum and dad. I can now easily put myself back in my terrified state, almost wetting myself, trembling all over, terrified, not knowing what to do, so confused - shitting myself with what’s to come next, I just want to put my fingers in my mouth and chew them completely off. And I’ve look at those little boys I’ve seen who’ve absolutely gone beyond it, they are totally fucked, at their wits end, and their unloving mothers are just carrying on ignoring them or yelling at them. And I remember mum raging at me, she so caught up in and carried away by her fury, blanking us both out really, and me being so young and small and how am I to weather and deal with such hatred and cruelty?
I love all you write Sam, and thank you so much for it all. I know it’s hard for you, and it brings up more fear, but it’s so good to read it, to be able to relate to and see it in another person, that you are not alone, that someone else has gone through similar hell, and that the truth is real, it coming to light through our feelings, and we’re not mad, we’re not making it all up. And to stand alone, because that’s how it was for each of us when were being subjected to such rottenness. It was just ourselves, alone and with no one who loved us, being terrified by the very people who should have never made us feel that way. We were all alone, and the very people we should have been able to go to with our fear, were making us be so scared and forcing us away from them. To feel so rejected, unwanted - so unloved, no wonder you wanted to just float off. I mean, how many times were you close to the edge of oblivion? How close were you to death? I often think about that for myself - how many times was I looking over the abyss into darkness and nothing? I think it was a lot of times - a lot of times for so many of us. And few people understand just how traumatising it is. And some of us poor people got put through it time and time again, day after day, it’s a wonder can do anything at all. Often I wonder why I just don’t melt, why all the atoms in my cells don’t just let go and give up and I turn into a shaking puddle on the ground.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Faye has had bad toothache for a while now so she asked me to take her to the dentist. It has been awful for her and awful for me, she wont let them inject her to do the work so they have referred her to another place that will put her to sleep to do the work all in one hit but that still means a needle in the hand to put her to sleep and she wont let them do it. I have been feeling such despair and hopelessness about this, feeling like there is nothing anyone can do for her.
We got home and I sat with her as she cried about it all and how she felt so terrified and slowly the memories came up in me of when I was the same and would not let the dentist inject me when I was 11, he threw me out. I began to remember the terror of having something done to me against my will, More pain to get rid of pain. It all hurts so much, I don't want pain, I have to consent to someone stabbing me with something sharp and its going to really hurt me, this man is going to hurt me and I have to let him. What are you doing to me, why are you hurting me. All the feeling came up in me to feel.
I was having so many feelings that were so overwhelming, I didn't know what to do about Faye, she wont have it done, I feel so helpless and out of control, I can do nothing for her, she will have to stay in such awful pain, what if it never ends for her, I will have to watch her suffer terribly, the pain will never end, she wont let me help her through feeling it and she wont let the dentist help her, all is hopeless. I feel in such deep despair and so full of confusion and anxiety, I am buzzing with anxiety almost going into panic as I lose control, I am terrified, totally terrified at the pain this is bringing up in me, endless pain, never ending pain and no one can help, it will never end and their is no one to help me, no one understands me. This will always be my life.
All of Fays pain, I have been feeling because it is my pain, Faye is feeling my pain that I have passed on to her and I feel so helpless. I want to fix her, I want to take her pain away for her by making it more painful and forcing her against her will to go and have the treatment done and now I feel like my mum, as she forced me to go and have the same done against my will. I want to take the pain away so I don't have to feel bad any more, Faye is making me feel bad as I made mum feel bad and she wanted me to stop it! I had to go to the dentist as a child and have all of that awful stuff done to me because mum didn't want to feel or be true to any of her pain, so I had to suffer for it while she watched me in agony. I am my mum.
I was sitting outside with Faye after her dentist appointment and told her I wanted to understand more about how she was feeling because I want to heal it in myself and I was having trouble feeling. I asked her if she could tell me how her fear feels, she said " I feel weak and out of control, I don't want it, I don't want that needle near me and I wont have it, I cant let them even come near me and put that sharp thing into my body, it makes me cringe and no one can force me, its up to me. Why do I have to go through so much pain all the time Mum?" I wrote this down and Faye began to cry as we spoke more, she felt like all of her choices were being taken from her and she had to make a decision that she didn't want.
She talked a lot to me about how she felt and I listened and wrote, she started to laugh about how weird I am writing things down, but to me, all she was saying is how I feel and it helped me access some deep feelings in me. I realised that I was being my mum and wanting her to just have the treatment done, I wanted to fix her so I didn't have to feel pain and she was saying, NO, NO WAY, which is what I would wanted to say but couldn't. Faye was showing me that she will make her own choices and no one will be pushing her, if she wants to come to me to feel and heal or go to the dentist when it all gets to much, its her choice, totally. I had to pull myself back and just deal with how I feel about it, mind my own business and leave Faye to mind hers and when she wants me she will say. Even talking about it in the time we had, Faye felt better, she got out of her how trapped she had felt by having her will taken and having to make a decision about her treatment when she didn't want to have to make one, it is all pain and she is sick of so much pain at her early age. Faye Feels people instantly, she knows what they are feeling and said to me she could feel me pushing her to just get it done even without me saying anything and she was right, that was a feeling that I had to go of and feel, the very same feeling that I felt from my mum, just get it done Sam and then we can all be happy again, you are making us feel bad and helpless because we don't know what to do with you, you are a pain Sam so just do as you are told and go to the dentist and get it all fixed. Fix the tooth but deny the pain, and I was doing that to Faye. I am now still working through those feelings as we speak, even writing this is helping me see more about myself and the feelings in me that are from mum, I know they are from mum because I can see her and feel her in me as the feelings come up. When I feel dads feelings I really feel and see dad and when I feel mums feelings I really see and feel mum, it good, it helps me so much to feel who I am feeling, who created those feelings in me.
I am slowly feeling so much better about this, I don't feel like I have to fix Faye so much now but all I have to do is fix me by feeling all I feel, I have pulled my self right away from Faye and took responsibility for how I am feeling and we both are feeling better, Faye has no more tooth pain and I feel s much better than I did yesterday and the days running up to this when Faye was in pain, I no longer feel I have to fix her but just feel and ask Mother and Father to help me find the truth. I feel like when I accept, Express and find the Truth of my pain, it releases her from some of her pain to, that is how it felt this time, as I felt it all and where it comes from we both got better, felt better. I have more to do though with this, always more.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, so hard, but it is also the greatest thing I will ever do.
More thought on this have opened up with in me because of Faye's tooth pain. If we heal our pain through our feelings, even if it is a Tooth cavity which is close to a nerve and causing pain, we wont feel any pain from it because we would have healed the emotions needing the pain to alert us to the feelings still unfelt and denied. Even if we get stabbed or cut ourselves we wont feel the pain even though we have pain receptors connected to our brain to send messages, they wont have any pain messages to send if we heal all our denied and repressed feelings from our childhood and will we even attract these sort of events if we heal our emotions, I don't think so but then again people do have the free will to hurt another?
If we heal our childhood repression our Law of Attraction will change, well, its Gods law of attraction working on us I suppose, if God created the Laws. Can we stop someone else's unloving acts towards us? I feel that we will be able to if we don't any longer have the emotions within us that need to attract an unloving event to make us feel our unfelt pain, if it is all felt out of us and healed then we can live pain free lives with all of the truth having been revealed and then released so our Law of attraction changes to attract the truth of our soul.
If each of us do this healing, its the only way to lead pain free lives and that will lead to the end of all bad things happening to us, illness, war and terrorism etc. Pulling myself away from Faye and being responsible for my own feelings, bringing the focus back to me and my feelings, I can see so clearly that this is what needs to be done by us all eventually, when Mother and Father will it. It can only be done through our own will and that of Gods, to come back to ourselves to heal, do our own house keeping and leave others to do theirs when they decide to. It is my feelings being passed on to Faye and then Faye making unloving choices based upon those default emotions placed in her at conception that have caused all of her pain, so it comes back to me to heal the damage I have had done to me, by feeling the pain of it all and also feeling the pain I have done to others.
Last Edit: Jun 22, 2017 20:23:09 GMT 10 by samantha9
Even more pain is coming up in my about faye and her tooth situation. I have been praying b=about it and I am now very distressed, feeling so panicky and out of control.
I have approached Faye about what she wants to do because the dental hospital wants to know. She cant say, she doesn't want any of it done and as I get into more feeling about this I am panicking at the lack of control I have. I am so scared about how much pain she will be in if she doesn't have it done, I am feeling the never ending pain I have always felt. I cant help her, I cant fix it. I am so sorry for repeating this over and over again but I have to get it out of me, I am so scared. I have to stand by and watch helplessly as she goes in and out of pain, feeling every bit of it as my own. I have no power, I am helpless, I am out of control. I cant fix this, I am so scared of pain and she is helping me feel this overpowering consuming pain in me. I feel so useless, so weak I want to just drop to the floor and never get up again as the life energy flows out of me, I feel like I am dying, I have no breath left.
I have no control I feel lost and confused because this is out of my hands, it is Fayes pain and I cant reach in and get to it. Please Fay go and get it sorted out, please stop me from dying, it is to much pain for me. Please Faye Go, stop the pain, stop me having to feel this torture I am feeling inside. I don't want to feel this way, sort it so I can feel better please. I don't want to have to feel any more dread and hopelessness, please get it sorted. I feel like I cant survive the longer this goes on, I just want to die its all to painful.
I am so scared of this, its so huge and wont let go of me until I sink into feeling it fully, I am terrified. I feel completely horrified at how helpless I am over this, I can do nothing to help, what am I to do, please God help me, please, please ,please I need you so much I am feeling so awful. There is nothing I can do for her and she is no longer in pain but I am, I am in torture at the helplessness I feel because I know the pain will come back and never stop I am just waiting for it to come back and I can do nothing about it. It is all so hopeless, I am so useless and pathetic I feel like a blob of nothing on the floor, so useless, helpless, hopeless and I have to just throw my hands up and now I am feeling a feeling of all I can do is give up, submit accept it all, accept I can do nothing, I CANT DO ANYTHING, I CANT FIX IT, I AM HELPLESS, I AM HOPELESS, I AM POWERLESS to do anything. I want to accept this, I feel better, I am changing as I accept this, I am really feeling the acceptance sinking into me, that is the only way I can describe it. The acceptance is filling me as I write. I want to give it up and let it go and it feels like it is draining out of me as I accept and submit and release all of the false power and control I had. I want to ask God to help me heal this, help me feel all of my false control and power leave me.
I am feeling so calm now, so incredible as I feel it all leave me all of that poison drain out of me. All of the chaos I was in is now leaving and even my typing has calmed down and I am now not making mistakes in my erratic condition, its amazing as I submit to Gods help I am receiving it. I am seeing it in all its truth, all the false power and self reliance I have in me to control everything and fix it all without God, it cant be done, its all the minds control trying to over ride God and it cant be done, it just leads to this type of breakdown of the minds control. As I have given it up, in that moment I felt a pure submission to God and I just want to cry and cry because I have made it so hard for myself for so long. God wants to help me with this through my feelings, through that acceptance of feeling the despair of my helplessness when doing it alone. I now feel like I want to bear it all to God and just be with them, let them have it all, let them help me with all of it as I accept and express it all to God it melts out of me. I am feeling a trust I have never felt before, never. I have never felt this feeling of complete acceptance, its like they want it all from me, everything, I have to give it all up, they want it all and I am writing this as I am feeling it from them. It feels like they are beckoning me to give them more and more of my pain. I will leave now.
A truly great outcome from all of my Feeling Healing. Faye came to me today and said she wants to go to our local dentist and have the treatment like a normal patient instead of going to the Hospital to be knocked out. She was very calm and said she doesn't know what all the fuss has been about now.
I am so pleased and know that this is an amazing outcome of all of our feeling Healing, we have talked about our feelings to each other and cried and felt the fear and I can feel it has lifted out of her, she cant even remember what the fear felt like, I am so pleased for her.
Today she also came to me with new feelings she wanted to talk about to do with her driving lessons and how scared she is lately of driving and I have also expressed my fears of driving and I never realised how scared I am of it, she is now bringing all of it up in me and I love it, she is helping me and I am heling her by listening and expressing my fears too.
I had to share that great outcome with everyone on here because it was such an overwhelming fear for us both. Feeling Healing works, I love it.
That’s wonderful Sam - WOW. And how amazing Faye simply didn’t feel it anymore, it couldn’t be better, I’m so pleased for you both. It’s very exciting, to think that you are really doing it together, and how it’s changing and helping you both. And onto the next lot of fears... Thank you for writing about all you’ve both been going through.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
It is so great James and today my Son and his Girlfriend came to me to hear more about how to Feel to Heal and we had a great long talk about some very new ways of healing your denied and repressed feelings, they understood what they could and we will talk more as more comes up for them but it was very good for them to listen and want to hear more. They said they both felt a great pressure came off of them as I talked about how it good, and ok to express our bad feelings and it is the only way to have a truly loving relationship and know ourselves and each other. Lucy said it will be strange and a bit humiliating to speak out loud all of her feelings to Alex but they are going to give it a go and I will help them if they ask for it.
That sounds great Sam. How incredible that both your children at this time are listening to you, especially after all you’ve just been through about being so alone in it all with no one wanting to listen. I’m so pleased for you Sam. I understand about just taking it as it comes, so not getting one’s hopes up and all that sort of thing, but it’s fantastic really, the fact that they are not rejecting you outright.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I am feeling so devastated today at the thought of I may never be a part of Gods Kingdom, I may be left out, shut out of being loved by God. The grief of this overwhelmed me last night and I just had to cry and cry as I was flooded with feelings that it may never happen to me. Being at one with God and feeling completely loved by Mother and Father may never happen to me, it is such a desperate pain inside me and it brings with it such feelings of always being last in life, never feeling I can push my way to be noticed or be first for once, I am always last and have been made to wait, take my turn and that mostly meant missing out on what I wanted and watching someone else get it. I am completely gutted today and am crying constantly at my own sadness.
The feelings of not being loved by God are making me feel so deeply devastated and what's the point of life without it, Christ I feel so sad for myself, right at this moment I am gutted inside at the thought of no love, at the feeling of 'missing the boat' as it were, your to late Sam, you missed it. Its how I have felt all my life and just had to 'make do', have second best or nothing. I feel so empty, crushed inside and with no love and no hope of ever getting any as it wont happen to me.
Every one else will be included but I will have to be left out and pretend it doesn't matter when it fucking hurts like hell and I am sick of it, never feeling like I am worth it, worthy of love, you can ask for it Sam but you wont get it, they will say the words but you wont feel them, all empty shit coming from their mouths to keep me quiet. I never felt them, their words never entered me into my soul as truth and I don't trust them so how can I trust God, it is all bullshit, they are lying to me, it will never happen to me. I am so devastated today.
I was longing for Gods love and I couldn't receive any, I went into a Pointless, hopelessness and feeling that I will never receive any ever again and it brought up so much fear inside of me and I felt like a child again where I couldn't feel any love coming from mum and dad even though they said they loved me, I couldn't feel it, ever. It felt the same from God, they say they love me but most of the time I cant receive it from them which put me into an anger and deep sadness and feeling that I may never feel their love ever again and be shut out by them as I have always felt shut out and separate from mum and dad.
Today has been such a different story for me, I laid in bed last night and just opened my heart up and Gods love was there for me and it seemed to fill in the hole I had in my back. I spent quite some time feeling it pour into me then stop, then start again and it felt thicker than it has before like running silver. I felt at the end of it so tired and I had twitches occur all over my body and still have them even now in my legs and today have felt like I have a slight cold. I had to feel how it felt not to receive love from God when I asked for it because that was the truth for me as a child, I never got it when I needed it and it has been the basis for everything I have done in my life and it all feels so sad and awful as I look back on my actions that have come from a place of no love. God has helped me to feel the truth and sadness I needed to feel and to express it out of me. To plunge me into my fears of not receiving love to feel the truth. I felt the doom that I have been denying, to live a life without love, all there is, is doom and hopelessness and I felt such a childlike pull in me that was a constant cord between me and my parents for their love with my neediness pouring out to them but it going unfelt by them and I got so exhausted with the trying that I gave up and I felt that with God also, trying to receive their love but failing, I felt the same neediness as I had as a child and getting no where, what's the point so I lost faith and I can see why I needed to not receive Gods love now, so I could feel this truth.
Do you ever have feelings of hating the Mother and Father for all They are making you suffer? Or hating Them for anything?
Today I was able to feel when I replied to Marion, just as she started to say her first word in reply to what I said, it was as if she was going to hit me over the head or across the face - slam! It happened a few times during the day, helping me feel and see how I was treated and why I’m so scared of the reaction I might get when I say things. So my saying things is all fucked up, getting me more of an unloving reaction. And I feel it’s all part of the trauma being borne out in my nail biting, which is very severe since being sick, some of the worst biting I’ve ever done, just ripping into myself, ripping myself apart, which on the spirit and emotional level is just how I feel with them slamming me verbally.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I do feel feelings of hate James, and only yesterday I was feeling this as I wanted to do a job outside, something I had been waiting to do for a while now but every time I go to do it, it rains and so yesterday it was sunnyish so I thought great, I will go out and do it. I took everything outside and got prepared and it started to rain, I couldn't believe it, I started to rant and shout at the top of my voice, I was so raging mad and feeling hate at Mother and Father for doing this to me, I went into the house and I was pacing like a mad woman screaming how unfair it was to do this to me, I felt so controlled and won over at my every move, I just wanted to get this task done but it wasn't going to happen until I had felt what God wanted me to feel which was anger and rage at mum and dad for interfering with my will, blocking me doing what I wanted to do.
It has been hard to allow myself to feel hate because it wasn't allowed but now I want to feel it and as I go deeper into the levels of my healing I feel more and more of it will come up for me and I like it when I feel it, to be allowed to get to the hate in me is so freeing just to let it all come out and hiss and spit it out of me at last, it feels good and I feel cleaned out after.
When you write about your nail biting it brought to me two people I know that have had abusive/controlling mothers and they bot have bitten their nails, but only one or two nails and not just bitten them down short as they will go, mutilated them down to a lumpy nail plate and both on their left hands. It looks so painful and I have watched them both do it, sit their just ripping at themselves knorring away at what is left of the nail until it is so deformed. They are totally unconscious of why they do it when I have asked or how it makes them feel to do it, what feelings they are feeling as they do it, they cant answer me at all. It is like the nail is them destroying or mutilating the mother they cant do it to her so they do it to themselves until there is nothing left all of their denied and repressed pain at her expressing itself the only way they can, by destroying her/their nail just like she has taught them to, destroy themselves rather than her. The child is to blame so it must punish itself and self harm.
Did you bite your nails as a child James and if you did, what did your mum say to you about it, did she tell you to stop it? Did she slap your hands away from your mouth when you did it?
No, that’s the thing, she didn’t make me stop doing it, none of them did. She bit one or two of her nails as did her father, but not that much, so I think she thought it was sort of okay for me too. At times she made a feeble effort to get me to stop - something so uncharacteristic of her behaviour, and I have bitten them for as long as I can remember. And I agree with all you say about it, and my left hand and fingers is much weaker than my right. My left fingers take more of a pounding as my right finger nails have got tougher as I’ve got older. A couple of them on my right some years ago I stripped back to almost nothing, and then incredibly they grew back very tough. And I only bit to keep them trimmed, biting more of the skin around them up until I got sick, I’d eased off them considerably over the years, but now, I’m stripping them back until they hurt, I’ve not gone further and I’m feeling more connected to my fear of her and putting then in my mouth to bite down on her as you say, and as a comforter. They are another ‘food’, and we were told off for jigging our feet and displaying general restlessness, but I still feel the pain and anguish deeper in me that I’ve to bring up associated with them. So I’ll keep chewing and working on expressing how bad it makes me feel.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!