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Post by samantha9 on Jan 26, 2020 20:51:26 GMT 10
I was so sure I loved my children, I was so sure I was a good mother to them doing all I could for them, making their life a good one but through my healing I have realised the truth is the direct opposite to all I believed about myself and my relationship with my children. I did all the things a good mum should do with and for her children but what I had denied and supressed, never letting see the light of day, was the truth of the feelings I was feeling underneath all of this 'Good' parenting. The feelings I felt when I had to do something for my young children, making the breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of their lives, cleaning them and their cloths, getting them up for school and taking them their only to name a few tasks every parent has to do for their children but all the time I was doing these things I didn't take any notice of the real feelings I was feeling about it all and they were terrible, not nice or loving at all yet they were the truth of how I felt, they were those awful terrible taboo feelings you feel so bad about feeling because it isn't allowed for a mother/parent to feel these things about their children.
Only recently in my healing I have been having those denied and supressed feelings brought up for me to see the truth of and they have scared me, terrified me and I haven't wanted to believe they are true and I can remember feeling so guilty when my children were younger for having these feelings so I would make myself love my children even more but it wasn't love it was just a cover up for the awful way I was feeling about my children and they feel the truth of how I felt about them today. They are living that unloving truth and it is hurting them in some awful ways. They are living the pain of my true unloving parenting and showing me the truth every day, rubbing my nose in the truth and it is HELL! The way I wanted to give my children away to child minders so I could go to work and carry on my life without them, like I never had them. I could go to work and totally forget about them even though they wanted me, I wouldn't let them have me, I wanted my life to carry on as if they never existed. I put money and my work above them and now they put money and work above their own selves just as I did to them, I showed them how to treat themselves so unlovingly, like they are so unworthy and money and work is worth much more than they are. This is just a tiny example of my unloving parenting, it goes so much deeper and so much more horrible that I can hardly bare to revisit it all but I have to, I want to so that I can feel it all and heal it. It truly is going into Hell as the truth of all of the illusions comes to light about yourself, shit it is so awful, the truth of how we really feel, the intentions of our feelings that drift and float under our untrue actions, our façade. its fucking awful I can hardly bare to admit it all and most of it I am not ready to share on here, I cant bring myself to write it because I don't want to believe it is the truth but in is in me so it all has to come out.
What we call loving parenting is all a lie, its a cover up for the truth we really feel and until our healing has begun and the time comes to know the truth of how we treated our children we will go on believing we were good and loving parents, we will be so adamant that this is the truth just as I was but its a lie, another lie we tell ourselves and the world so we are well thought of because admitting you were or are a bad mother is such a Taboo and you will have your children taken away and be locked up or hated by society and if the underlying feelings were truly known and visible to all, then the truth would be out their for all to see, including your children and imagine how awful you would feel with the truth of your feelings being known, shit its crushing, it would be a killer but at least your children would understand why they feel so shit and unloved and lonely and afraid and in so much pain, its because the truth is they weren't loved by their parents but we keep telling them we love them wile at the same time hating them, its so confusing to the child who has always known something isn't right. That poor confused child grows up to be a poor confused adult still looking for the love it didn't truly get from its parents, it craves it from ever relationship, that poor, poor child.
I can see what I have done to my children and I am paying for it big time. I can see all the bullhshit I told them, all the things I bought them to prove I loved them yet couldn't connect to the from heart to heart so buying things was a good love substitute, or giving them food and sweets to make them feel good, that was all a substitute for my love and they grow up having unhealthy attachments to 'things' because they believe this is love because mum lavished them with 'things' so 'things' must be good. It was all so wrong, they would have been better without anything, only me and the truth of my love but I wasn't able to give them that because it wasn't given to me. I couldn't give them the connection of love from my heart because I never felt it from my own parents and you cant pass on what you don't have in you. I gave them loneliness, emptiness, hollow hearts, pain and suffering, struggle, depression, anxiety, stress, unloving relationships and so much more of the things that were given to me and dressed up as LOVE!!!!! All of this pain was the 'Wolf in Sheep's clothing' from my parents, all their pain was dressed up as a loving parental relationship that I believed I had with my parents and I couldn't understand why I was in such pain all my life if I was loved by them as they always insisted I was. Now I get it, now I know the truth and I understand why I have been in such pain and it is the truth of now being loved by my parents how I needed to be, their love wasn't love at all but until they decide to do their healing, my parents will go on to believe they loved me and they wont be able to understand me and why I don't want to know them any more. When my children decide to do their healing I expect them to reject me totally out of their lives wen the too see the truth of my unloving parenting. I feel like I don't want them to love me like they do because I know the truth and they are not yet ready to know it, they don't want to hear about how unloving I was and cant yet accept it about me but the will, one day when it is their time and I will be happy for them to reject me because I will understand and know the truth and be relieved that they too now know the truth.
Seeing the pain I have caused my children is unbearable, it is a living Hell that every parent will have to go through to some degree no matter how much they believed they love their children, even something as normal as giving your baby a dummy when it is crying to pacify it is a complete rejection of your baby, you are not willing to give your child what it is crying for, which is YOU! you are not willing to share yourself with your baby so you give it a substitute of you, a dummy mummy. All these little HUGE things we do as parents are so unloving, they have such an unloving impact on our babies that they carry with them throughout their lives, doing so much damage to them and their future relationships. I know because I am seeing it all playing out before my very eyes like a life review of what I have done to my children, it is like I am being made to sit down a watch a show on TV of what I have done to them and it is like watching a horror movie that makes you cringe and you don't want to look, it is fucking awful but has to be done and gone through with a fine tooth come, nothing is left out. I have thought in the past that I have got away with things in my past and not had to relive them through my healing but I have always been wrong, they always come up eventually, everything I have done has been reviewed and I have had to feel about it and it wont go away until I have felt it thoroughly and then I think I have done it to death only to find it comes up again and what I thought it was, it never is so I go of again, asking Mother and Father to help me find the truth of my feelings and I get taken down another level, deeper, it is like I get dropped down deeper into the levels of Hell to find the real truth because that is where they all live.
If you have children it is not just your own healing and what was done to you that yo have to feel about, it is what you have done to others and to your children, this is huge and puts my own healing into a different place, it is quite another thing to feel the truth of how you have hurt others, it is gruelling to see what a terrible person you truly are but it is the truth that has to come out and felt through so deeply so you are able to forgive yourself and feel some sort of compassion for your self but it is such a hard thing to do, it takes so much humility to be honest with yourself and go there, to see what an evil person you truly are and accept it, express it and find the truth of it, fuck it is so hard and it is all that my life is about now, feeling my way through the pain I am in and the pain I have caused to others and my poor, poor children.
All of the things I believed about myself, the beliefs I had about myself were only beliefs, they weren't true, they got in the way of the truth about myself, beliefs get in the way of truth and I was stopping myself getting to the truth because I believed in my beliefs, they were all lies and had to be dropped so I could get to the truth. I was nothing that I believed I was, I was not the great parent I believed I was and it has been a terrible time breaking through all of that untruth. Dropping the beliefs so that the truth can be revealed with Gods help.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 31, 2020 6:17:25 GMT 10
My eyes are now so bad, so swollen that I can hardly open them. I look gross and scary and I feel so scared about what is happening to me. They itch and ooze a watery substance from the skin, eyelids and I feel so awful, ugly, fat and monster like. I am a monster and that is how I was feeling as I have been expressing how I have hurt my children, I felt like a monster and now I look like one. I cant bare to look at myself, what if it never goes away and I have to stay like this for ever, so unsightly, having every one look at me and stay clear of me because I look so hideous.
I want it to go, to leave me alone but it wont and it has been about six weeks now and gradually getting worse making me hate myself more and more, now being able to look at myself because I am so disgusting. My eyelids feel hot and sore and enflamed, really angry and I have been the same, angry but not knowing how to express it, not being allowed to let it out because I will get told off, it just wasn't an option to express anger as a child so I had to keep it to myself and now it is expressing itself physically and making me feel the truth.
So much irritation, itching, soreness. I hate it, I hate me.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 2, 2020 7:51:07 GMT 10
This endless itchiness on my eyelids, its driving me mad, fucking crazy and so angry that I cant do anything about it. It went down a bit today and now, tonight, it is fucking itching again. I am so pissed off, so so so so so pissed off. Why me, why this, its not fair and I am so sick of one thing after another. I feel like it will never end, it will always be like this for me (I felt a memory from my childhood come to me then, thinking the same, things will never change for me, it will always be like this). I feel so trapped in this irritation, I want to scratch my eyelids out until they are red raw and bleeding. I want to scratch them in such anger at the irritation and it is both of them, both of my fucking parents irritating me. I am so fucked off with this.
I am really worried that this is it for me, it will always be like this, itching and being irritated by my eyes. The skin has all puffed up and then it goes down and is all wrinkly and I hated that about my mum, even when she was younger her skin was wrinkly and she looked old and I wished she could look beautiful like the other mums. As I am writing this I am itching my eyes making them worse and my mum would tell me to stop scratching and put some cream on them, I can hear her telling me off for making them worse.
I am so fucking angry, I want this to fuck off, please fuck off and leave me alone, I have had enough, please leave me alone, please stop irritating me. I feel so powerless to do anything about it, I cant escape from it, I have to let it consume me and take over because I don't want to medicate it, I want to feel my way through it but its so hard. I am scared that I will always have to put up with it, I cant heal it, I am so useless, I cant do it, I am to powerless to heal it. I have no power so I have to let it have me, irritate me, do what it wants with me. I have to give myself to it completely, I am not my own person, I don't have my own will, I have to do the will of this irritation and let it do what it wants to me. Whats the point in having a life when it isn't my own but so controlled by everyone and everything, even a fucking eyelid irritation. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck I am so pissed off. I have to do what it tells me, I have to let it control me because I am not allowed to tell it to fuck off and leave me alone. I cant tell it that it irritates me so much and drives me crazy all day and night, I cant be angry with it, I am not allowed to be angry or speak my mind to it or anyone. I have to let it walk all over me, I have to be a complete door mat.
I need this eye irritation to bring out the powerlessness that I have always felt, powerless to do anything I want to do because I am so controlled. I cant even be angry, I am not allowed. I am so controlled that I have to let this irritation ravage me, I have to let it do what it wants with me and it is so unfair, I feel so powerless and so overwhelmed by it.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 3, 2020 6:20:26 GMT 10
I woke up today to find the swelling and itching has gone. I cant say how happy I am. I spent time last night feeling the urge to long to Mother and Father for their Divine Love and I could feel it flow into me and it has been months since I even felt like longing to them but the urge came upon me to do it. I was talking with them for many hours last night expressing how pissed off I was with how they reject me and how much I hate them for not ever helping me and then I went to bed and as I settled ready for sleep I felt them around me so I longed to them for their love and it flowed. Not gushing or anything like that but just a subtle flow of them into me.
It wasn't their Divine Love that healed me but it was my emptying out of my pain to them that has healed this irritation with my eyes that has lasted six weeks. I have poured it out at them all this time and there has been so much to get out of me. So much irritation, anger and painful feelings that needed to come out before any sign of this eye irritation leaving me. Last night after expressing all I had left in me about how angry I was about my eyes, I felt their love flow into me, it felt like I was now ready to receive them, now I had emptied myself to them. The pain went out and their love came in. Its incredible.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 3, 2020 20:32:07 GMT 10
Oh my God I hate the awful feelings that come to me every morning when I wake up. Having to do all of the laborious chores to make our selves presentable to the world. I hate cleaning my teeth, I have always hayed doing it, it is such a chore that I dread and sometimes I don't do it just because I cant bring myself to do it. How does it make me feel? Like I am being made to do something I really don't want to do and if I don't do it then I feel bad until I do it. I have all of the fears in me of mum telling me that if I don't do it I will be in pain at the dentist because all of my teeth will rot so it is fear that drives me to do it. There is no self love driving me to do it, no looking after myself because I am worth it, none of that was put into me as a child, just the fear, the threat of not doing it and what will be the consequences.
I hate it, I fucking hate doing it so much, I feel like I have to drag myself to do it. I hate the foamy tooth paste in my mouth, it makes me want to gag and throw up every time and as a child I hated it so much. I wanted mum to buy me a tooth paste that doesn't foam up but she couldn't find one. My mouth filled with all of those tiny bubbles, shit it is making me creep right now even, yuk!!! A mouth full of thick foam, it horrifies me, get it out. It feels so un-natural to have that stuff in my mouth, I don't like it, I don't want it. "Please Mother and Father, why don't I like it, what is it about it I don't like, please help me find the truth of this because I cant get to it" A thick toothpasty foam in my mouth, filling my mouth until I spit it out and get rid of it, constricting me, filling every gap in my mouth, I don't like it, I hate it, I don't want it, I don't ever want to do it again and I cant bare seeing it on TV, when someone is cleaning their teeth and I see all of that white foam everywhere, yuk, fucking yuk, it makes me want to be sick, the sight of it the feeling of it, take it away, I have to look away because I cant stand to look at it without gagging. I am the same with Milk, I get the same feelings and I have never been able to drink it even as a child I hated it. White yukky stuff, shit it makes me shudder.
Seeing the white foam around my mouth getting everywhere looking so unsightly and so out of control, so ugly with it every where spewing out of my mouth how could any one want people to see them like that. It is all about control and looking ugly with that white foam going every where like a rubied animal. Shit, cant people get control over themselves, keep control of it but it goes all over the place and looks so awful, I cant bare to look at it, to look at how out of control you are when cleaning your teeth and having all of that horrid white stuff going everywhere, it looks so awful why would anyone want anyone else to see them like that. Shut the fucking door and do it in private so no one else has to see. I can see my mum cleaning her teeth and not being worried by anyone seeing her do it and it horrified me that she doesn't mind me seeing her like that with that stuff all over her face, fuck I cant bare it.
I just don't want it in my mouth, I hate it but was made to do it every day, not that I did because I hated it so much, I used to just use water because I hated the way tooth paste felt.
I haven't finished with this, I will have to come back to it later because I am at a block with it.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 12, 2020 1:10:07 GMT 10
As my healing is moving forward I am realising the truth of how I just cant cope with pain in any shape or form, I just cant cope with it. This truth was just ground into me only a moment ago when a bit of food I was eating touched an ulcer I have in my mouth, shit it made me paralyzed for a moment with the pain, I couldn't do anything for that second. Then it came to me as I asked myself how did that just make me feel? Well, like I cant cope with it and if I stay perfectly still it might not get any worse so I was paralyzed until it went away.
I cant cope with how bad it might get for me, I really cant cope with it so for that moment I feel like I don't exist, or I try to make myself not exist s I don't have to feel the pain and I realise I do this with all pain and I always have. I get so overwhelmed with pain so I try not to exist, then it cant get me, like some childhood monster that is always after me and if I stay perfectly still I will become invisible to it and I wont exist so wont have to feel the pain it will bring to me.
I am terrified by pain, not just my own but every ones, even people I don't know, I cant bare to hear about it all as it effects me so deeply, the sadness is like nothing I can describe. It is like my soul dies when I hear about others pain, I cant cope with it, its all to much, it is going to crush me, annihilate me into a million pieces. I cant cope, even now, writing this, I feel like I cant cope with any pain, I will do all I can to stop it so I don't have to feel bad, fix it all for everyone so it doesn't effect me, so I don't have to feel my pain.
Shit that pain I felt just now with the ulcer thing, I froze, it was to late, the pain had got me but if I stayed still it might go away. I wanted to not exist for that moment in time out of fear and dread of how much pain I will have to feel. The pain will hurt me, harm me and I don't want it to, it is all against my will, I don't want to be hurt but this pain is going to do it and I have no say so I try to not exist to it by freezing to the spot so I don't exist. I have never wanted to exist so I could avoid all pain, I have always wanted to be invisible, like I am not here so things cant effect me. But pain wont go away, it is always there for me and I cant cope with it and now Faye cant cope with it either, she avoids the things she is scared of and becomes invisible to them like I did, I have done this to her. If I don't exist life cant hurt me and my son has the same avoidance as me, he has suicidal thoughts, trying to not exist so he doesn't have to feel his painful feelings just like me, I did this to him. I have taught my children to not exist to their bad feelings, I showed them how to do it and now I am paying for it as I see their fears come for them as they came for me and I see them try to not exist to them just as I did. It is all so hopeless, I have been such a terrible parent.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 13, 2020 8:49:51 GMT 10
More fucking pain, I am so fucking pissed off with this pain shit. When will it end for me, it is one pain after another an thn if it not my pain then it's my children's. I have had enough of this, I am so fed up with it.
My face pain has come back and it is moving all over my face, in my nose, then in my jaws, then in my eyes, then in m cheek bones and on it goes like my face is being crushed in a vice. I cant do anything about it, it is my pain and tells me so much about myself and how scared I am of the pain. I am so terrified of it and what it will do to me. How bad it might get, unbearable, overwhelming, I cant cope. It has such a hold over me, the pain is my parents and how overwhelming they are, how they controlled me, just like this pain is.
Fuck off pain, I fucking hate you. Why do you want to hurt me all the time, why cant you leave me alone to have some peace instead of making my life hell. This pain stops me doing everything, I have to go to bed and suffer. I think I will always be in pain, I cant see me ever in peace. I feel my facial bones are being crushed, the pressure is killing me right now. I feel like dying, it is so bad and it keep coming back o get me. I have weeks when I think it has gone and then weeks when it comes every night inbetween 8 and 10 PM it begins and I fucking dread the first twinges of pain because I know I am in for a bad night.
It has just moved to my ears and they ache so much, now it is in my eyebrows and now my cheek bones and upper jaw, that is how quickly it moves around my face. Burning I my bones and face muscles. I cant escape from this pain, I feel locked in my own face and cant get away from the pain.
Pain, pain, pain it is consuming me, I am in so much pain I just want to cry. I cant stop it, I cant control it as it controls me totally, I just hav to let it have it's way with me, do what it wants. I am powerless, I am out of control, I am nothing. I have no control over this pain, it is so strong, so powerful and I am so subservient and weak compared to it. I give up, I crumble under it, I let it hurt me, I let it do what it wants.
I feel like a total door mat, a useless, pathetic person that everyone can walk all over, including all my physical pain. I dont feel like my own person but controlled and this is the pain I feel being so controlled. It crushes me, it bullies me, it uses me. This is the physical manifestation of the emotional denied and suppressed pain I feel, this is how it feels to b so controlled by everyone. To feel I am not my own person but belong to everyone. To feel so weakened that I no longer exist to myself, I am not here for me, I am a vessel for anyone who wants to control something, use me!
I feel so locked into this pain, I cant get away from it, it is my parents, they are crushing me, keeping me controlled under their rule and I want to break free but I cant, I am stuck. I cant escape.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 17, 2020 9:38:48 GMT 10
As a child God wasnt in my families life so where do I get this idea that God exists for me? God wasnt a part of our upbringing, it was just mum and dad, they were our Gods and all that we had o worship so where has my belief in God come from? I have made it all up, it's all just more deluded beliefs of mine because I am to scared that God doesnt exist, that thought fucking scares me shitless, that there is no God, then there is nothing and 'nothing 'scares me. That there is nothing after I die, I am so scared of being nothing.
God is just another one of my fantasies I have conjured up because I am so scared of the finality of nothingness without God. I have been kidding myself about God, I have been denying the truth of my fear that God doesnt exist and it scared me, even as s child, that all I had was mum and dad and they weren't enough. What would happen if they went, I would have no one in my life just nothingness.
Yes, I have been denying the fear of how it feels not to have God in my life so I have made it all up, that of course God exists, but I didn't know for sure. I have been longing to God for their Divine Love and I dont even believe that they exist, I just hope they do because it scare me so much if they dont. No wonder I cant feel their love enter me, I dont believe they exist and this is the truth God wants me to see. And then I go and say that, that God wants me to see the truth, like I do believe in them, oh shit it is so confusing but there is a voice inside me that knows they exist I just dont trust it because mum and dad never brought us up to trust in God, only them and I couldn't trust them either so this is so fucked up for me.
There has always been a part of me, that when I long to God, I saying "no Sam, they dont exist" it has been a constant battle and has made my longing very painful and feel almost futile when I am longing on one hand yet on the other, I am telling myself its pointless. The truth is as a child I didn't have God in my life, we never spoke of God and now God wants me to know the truth of how it was for me and how that feels. Well, as a child I felt very alone, like mum and dad weren't enough or really there for me so I was alone. I didn't really know about God so life was very finite and I felt like I had to hang on to my parents because if any thing happened to them, that was the end for me, I can remember the fear of losing them, it was so horrible and used to make me cry to think I might lose them both, then what would happen to me. Shit they made me so dependant on them and that started o many fears. Living without God is finite, nothing, pointless, meaningless an I am scared of feeling those feelings again, as I felt as a child so I have denied my true childhood beliefs and pretended I believe God exists when my childhood truth is that they dont.
I have been kidding myself all this time, all throughout my healing, pretending to myself that I believe in God and this belief/lie has kept me from the truth and from God themselves. I have had to admit to myself this childhood truth, that I dont really believe in God. God isn't there for me because God doesn't exist to me. I haven't been brought up with God, my parents had all the power and put themselves between me and the truth. I believed what they said and they never talked about God. I am trying to force myself to believe in God when I have no idea about them, I dont know and I have been pretending that I know. Fuck, how fucking arrogant to and deceiving. I dont know God, God wasnt a truth in my forming years so how can I pretend they exist now. I am so full of shit, I have believed my own bullshit because I am to scared to revisit the pain of being without God. It is lonely, desolate, unloving etc...
As a child I didn't believe in God and that belief is still inside me and keeping me from knowing God. I haven't been able to get past it, its been the block in all of my healing and longing to God. The must have thought how can they give me their Divine love when I am really telling them that I don believe in them and that belief has had to be accepted by me which it hasn't been until now. I can see it now and for this past 7 years of healing I couldn't really see it until today and this is a huge truth for me to know and admit and accept. Its massive and right now I am seeing a host of smiling faces all dressed in white clapping and looking at me from the heavens like I have just crossed a huge milestone in my healing. I can really see them congratulating me, it sounds crazy but is true, I have broken through that barrier and I can see a vast hall with hundreds of people watching me. Wow!!!
I am in shock, amazement at this incredible truth I have accepted and that has finally been revealed to me tonight, that I dont believe in God. "I dont believe in you God, my false beliefe in you has been keeping me from you, my fear of admitting and accepting that you dont exist to me has kept me from you. You were not a part of my family life so you didn't exist to me. My parents took your place and took all the power that comes from keeping me from you. They stood in my way, i couldn't see you through them, they wanted to be my God. I feel like a huge truth has been kept from me, the truth of who my real parents are and they are you. I hope we can get to know each other now, I hope you will show yourselves to me as I want to meet my real parents."
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 21, 2020 8:37:16 GMT 10
Really connecting in with my life long feelings of feeling so nothing an empty. Like nothing will ever change for me and it will stay like this for ever. I felt like this as a child and couldn't wait to grow up and leave home so I could do what I want and have an exciting life and I did many things to make life exciting all because I wanted to get away from the feelings I am feeling now and have always been there.
I really do feel like I have always felt like this and it will always be like this because now I have stopped doing all the exciting things to stop me feeling the truth of my feelings. I filled my life with doing stuff so I could feel excited, have things to look forward to, being interesting and planning things in my life and now all of that has ended and I am now living the truth, that life is boring, shit and will never be anything else.
I have also had to accept and admit the truth to myself that I have no idea about God, I have no idea if they exist and that has made me feel very empty again, deeper emptiness in fact. Like there is nothing for me, no future, no exciting feelings of Gods Divine Love flowing into me. It is a horrible feeling but I have to be true to how I feel. I just don't know about them. I was kidding myself about them before and now I am feeling the truth of what I was to scared to admit to myself because it is so final, such an ending if I don't have them in my life so I pretended they existed to me, I made it all up because I wanted to believe it and the truth is I have no idea about them or if they exist.
It is all so disappointing without God and my made up belief in them was just to keep me from this awful feeling of being so let down because they are not there for me. It is so disappointing, so deeply lonely to thing and feel like there is nothing but me and I am not enough. I want there to be something else, I want God to exist to me and be real, I want to feel Gods Divine Love but no matter how much I beg them and long for their Love, I receive nothing so it has plunged me down into my childhood feelings of God not being real. I feel so deeply let down inside, I want to cry all the time with disappointment, I had so many fantasies of them but they were all wrong and made up fairy tales of my mind, things I wanted to be true but didn't come with any feelings to confirm to me that they exist. Just one little bit of love, I that to much to ask for, I don't get anything and it pisses me off so much. Why don't they hear me, why don't they change my mind and show me they exist, prove themselves to me that they are real. It is so unfair and I feel so deeply let down by them both, it wouldn't take much, just a drop and I would be theirs but it never happens so what am I meant to believe!! If I don't feel them then they are not real to me and it is so crushing to me.
I am truly crushed inside that they don't show me they love me or that they even exist. I have to just stay in this utter disappointment. I don't feel them and I wish more than anything that I did. I don't feel my physical parents love either and I don't feel any ones love for me even if they say they love me, I cant feel it because I didn't feel my physical parents love for me and because of this I cant feel Gods love or any love. I don't know how to feel love enter me, I don't know what it feels like. I cant receive love or give it all because I didn't feel loved as a child and I am still that child.
I feel like there is no hope for me and it is the end. I have got to a place where I don't feel I will ever change and I will always be this unloved and unlovable empty shell of a person, so hollow, so pointless, so hopeless. I cant see any point in me and I feel so sad that I have nothing, no God, no love, Nothing.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 21, 2020 8:50:36 GMT 10
Oh God, I feel so empty, such a yearning to be filled with something, the emptiness is so longing to be filled, it is like a craving, an addiction to get anything just to fill the emptiness. Its painful, it hurts, I am so empty that it hurts. It is making me want to scream with such excruciating longing to get this void in me filled, I want to scream out the pain of having nothing, being so nothing. Shit this emptiness is driving me mad, fucking crazy almost like a frenzy inside me to get the emptiness filled so I can feel ok again but nothing works, all of my addictions work for a second then I am back to yearning and longing again for the emptiness to be taken away. How does empty feel? it is a huge hollowness inside, a void where love should be but I cant receive love to fill it. I am still repelling any love because I didn't receive it as a child, I didn't feel it even though my parents said they loved me, it was all mind love not heart and soul love that can be felt, it was just words a parent has to say to a child but doesn't know how to feel it themselves so how can they give it, they cant.
I feel like just giving up, I am a lost cause, a hopeless case and nothing will ever change for me, that is how I feel. I will never feel Gods Divine Love flow into me and you have no idea how devastating that makes me feel but I have learnt to put up with it, to just roll over and put up with my missing out and I do have such a terrible feeling of missing out all the time. I will never get what I want in life because I couldn't get the love I wanted from mum and dad as a child. That love sets you up for life and without it, you are fucked, completely fucked up for the rest of your days and that is how I feel right now.
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Post by samantha9 on Feb 21, 2020 9:05:15 GMT 10
Why does God deny me all the time, it Is as if I don't exist to them. What do I have to do to get their attention. They are terrible parents, they have left me, deserted me, left me alone and they don't seem to give a shit about me and how I am hurting. They never ask me how I am, they don't care about me. I am nothing to them. They leave me alone with my pain, they don't help me but they make it worse. Their lack of interest in me has made me think they don't exist and it would be so easy for them to show me they are real but I get nothing from them. A life with out love isn't a real life, it is a pretend life and that is what mine is. I am so scared that I will never know God, never have a relationship with them or have anything that feels real and alive. I feel totally denied by them, totally hated by them, totally unwanted by them and totally unloved by them, forgotten and denied and rejected by them. This is it for me, a denied life, they don't want t know me, I am nothing to them.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 7, 2020 5:30:10 GMT 10
I haven't wrote on here for a wile because I have been to fucked to do anything. I am so low feeling through all of the pain I have given to my children and I see that pain in them every minute of every day and it feels like it is killing me. It is to much and if you were watching me and my family you would not know what I am talking about, just another normal family but it is not so. They tell me of all their every day feelings and problems, no matter how small, I feel them as huge and devastating and it has got so much worse this week, unbearable almost. I have to go of into the bathroom and just cry and cry until I am empty. The pain that I feel when they tell me about all that is going on in their lives, shit, it hits me like a fucking brick wall, it is unbelievable how I am feeling it now, and all of this I would have once brushed off and told them it will all be ok. It wont fucking well be ok, it will stay with them until they decide they cant take life any more and decide to heal themselves or stay in the shit of it all and carry on in pain.
The pain I am feeling is the pain of what I have done to them, the compensation and I can liken it to any other pain, it comes from a place in me so deep and their pain is my pain so I feel it as my pain and theirs, what have I done to them!! it is shocking and overwhelming and I am truly paying for it all. I wish I could explain the pain of this compensation but I cant only that it is always with me no matter what I do, it is there with me reminding me of what I have done to them. Every day I am crying uncontrollably at what I have done. My parenting has caused them the greatest harm that could ever be caused to them, their worst enemy couldn't have cause more harm but I, their Mother, has done this to them.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 10, 2020 19:24:05 GMT 10
I feel absolutely wrecked, unable to cope any more and crying constantly. This journey has ripped me apart and I have fought it all the way making it so hard for myself. The fight is in me, it has been bred into me to fight hard and it is that fight, that resistance that is killing me right now. I feel like I am dying inside, I cant cope with anything, I feel like I am being broken down and I can fight all I like, the break down is still happening to me. Nothing can stop it. I can control any thing, I cant control pain and I try so hard to. Pain is the big thing I try to stop in every one, in my children. I see the pain they are in and I try to make it all good for them, I cant help it, it is in my to fix it all for every one and I am now seeing that I cant do any thing about it, it is out of my control and every time I try to fix it or fight it to make it better, the pain steps up, it goes one better and it is always out of my reach. I can never catch up with it, pain is always one ahead of me and so much stronger than me, I cant fix it and it has broken me, I just cry all the time as I see the pain happening in front of me with my children and it isn't always bad, it could be something tiny and not seen by anyone else but it is all seen by me, what I have done to them. It is all my fault and I know and see that but I cant fix it and that is the torment for me, seeing what I have done to them and having to watch it play out, my face being rubbed in it all like pain is laughing at me and showing me what I have done. It is cruel but it is the truth and it has been unbearable to see. It is crippling for my children and for me, heart breaking, destroying and I am utterly devastated by the pain I have caused, I was blind to it before, I never saw it as being anything to do with me and it was just how their lives would go because of their choices but those choices have been based on the errors I put into them, on how I taught them to be, on how I parented them, On how I loved them which was all so unloving as I see it now. I have fucked their lives up with my unloving parenting and they are the result of it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 24, 2020 18:19:56 GMT 10
Speaking with Corona (Coronavirus)
I am not hurting you, you are all already hurt. All I am doing is making you feel the truth of how you really feel deep down inside. I am not killing you, your parents have already done that to you, it is how you have felt throughout your life and now you are going through the physical manifestation of those awful feelings your parents made you feel. This is how they made you feel as a child and that 80 year old that you see dying on the news has always been dying, since birth he has felt like he is dying, always being on the brink of it as it is how his parents made him feel. There is no way on Earth I can possible be worse than how your parents treated you, it just cant happen, I can only affect you as far and as badly as your parents affected you, I am not the bad guy in all of this, they are. I cant create more pain in you than your parents than your parents have already created, I am the manifestation of the level of pain they created in you and I want to make that clear. What I am doing is bringing the truth of that pain to the surface. It is now time for it all to be manifest so you can know the truth of how much you were hurt, to know the truth of how unlovingly you were parented. The extent of unloving parenting that you all had to endure as children and it is now killing you, that is the truth of how bad it was. It is killing you because you refuse to understand what is happening, you refuse to connect to your pain, you still refuse to accept the truth and this is the open door for me to enter into you and find a cell for me to live off of and mutate and multiply in you. Your denied and supressed feelings let me in.
You wont give in to me and let the truth be known, you continue to resist me and push me away just as you have done all your life with your feelings. You would rather die than feel the truth I bring to you, so you decide! Stop resisting me and work with me in what I want you to know about yourself. I am no greater than the pain you felt and denied as a child.
I am Corona, Sam speaks with me through her Nature Spirit Christa and I can only tell her what she is capable of understanding so it is all pretty basic but that is how I want to speak with you, as children so you get it. I am the thing you fear the most but you all misunderstand me, you hate me, you fear me, you are so afraid of what I will do to you if I infect you. You fear me killing you, making you feel so bad but isn't this all so familiar, isn't this how you felt about your parents at times in your life, isn't this how they made you feel only allowing yourself to feel a tiny portion of the pain they inflicted on you, the rest went denied and supressed and that is what I feel on, what you will not feel. It is them you fear and I am helping you feel that truth. I am not bad at all, I am good, working for your good, you have to turn how you feel about me around to see the truth of me. I am here to help the world heal if you would only allow me to by ending the resistance to me. Let me work on your denied and supressed childhood feelings, connect with how I am making you feel because this is how your parents made you feel, it is the same, no different. It is those denied feelings and your resistance to feel them that is killing you.
I am not saying this will be easy, you are not even aware of any of this, you just believe you have a Virus spreading its way through the world like an evil plague and I understand how hard it will be to see me as working for your good but it just takes a shift away from your mind and into your feelings. How am I making you FEEL!! that is the question I want you to begin with. I am now being forced upon you all, you have no choice and that is the way I have to work with you because I can only work with you in the way that your parents worked with you and they gave you little to no choice as children. I am here mirroring the parenting you all went through, this is the way it was for you as children. Your parents forced you to do their will and gradually your own will got left behind not being considered at all by your parents and that is how I have to work with you all and you will all feel me differently depending on the severity of your will denial and suppression.
Your parents are the Virus, Corona Virus is each and every on of your parents and what they did to you as children and it is still inside you, I am bring it out. Corona virus is your parents scaring you and hurting you making you feel like dying, even killing you and there is no one on the planet that I wont get to. Right now I am affecting you all, your lives have changed even though you may not be ill. Accept the way I am making you feel right now, express how I am making you feel right now and let the truth come to you through your feelings, how am I making you feel, this is how your parents made you feel. It is not me killing and harming you making you feel so ill and bad, it is your parents. Please go to your feelings as I have asked you to do and you will begin to see the truth of how bad you have always felt, I speak the truth. Let the healing I bring to you open you up to the truth of how you felt as a child. You were parented by two of the same Viruses, they are the Virus that is within you right from your conception and took away your will just as I am doing to you now. I am treating you the same way as your parents treated you as children and you refused to see it so denied it. All of humanity will be affected by me to a lesser or greater degree. I will enter every life on earth and show you the truth of your denied and supressed childhood pain by how I make you feel. I will make you realise the pain and fear of how you were parented and the more you keep up your resistance of me, the more painful it will be for you. So I ask you to let me in, stop the fight as you cant win and you never could as children, your parents always won over you so I have to do the same, as I have said, I cant be any worse to you than how your parents were to you, they have set the pace for how I work with you, it is them and their parenting of you that set the way I work on humanity. I am not making you feel anything that has not already been put into you by your parents, it was already inside you and I am triggering it for you to feel. I am reuniting you with the truth of how hurt and unloved you feel because of your unloving childhoods. You will know yourself like never before, your will know the truth at last about your pain and how it was for you as children. It is time to take of the rose tinted glasses and really know the truth.
I am not BAD, your parents were, I am only being them to you, this is how unloved you felt by them and it is coming up for you to know. No one will escape me, you are all hurt children, even the 80 year old is just a hurt child in an older body who has gone on longer being unaware of the truth of his pain, he has been in denial longer but you are all the same no matter how old you are. The 80 year old has had 80 years to wake up to his denied and supressed childhood pain, he has always been a trapped and 'Locked Down' little scared child. No one will escape me of that you can be sure, I am so tiny yet I have the power to end it all just as your parents had the same power over you all. You all have the power to turn this around and all you have to do is to begin feeling how I am making you feel, accept every feeling, express every feeling and find the truth through your feelings. Do this and I will lose strength and lose the hold I have over you because I no longer have to make you feel so bad to make you feel your feelings. Stop the resistance to me, run to me, let me in to your life, want me to show you the truth of your pain, talk to me and we can work together to heal you and turn the tide. If you decide to further resist me then it will only get worse with new viruses being created, stronger ones to make you feel even worse until you get it!!
You have the cure within you all and that cure is YOUR FEELINGS!! It is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, it is the thing your parents wouldn't let you do, FEEL and express those feelings, You are allowed to have them, I am telling you to let yourself feel all of your pain, let it out NOW and I will no longer have to make you feel scared and ill and bad, you will be doing what I came here to do with you, make you feel. Feel how I make you feel them my work is done and you would have see the truth of why I have had to come. You don't need any Vaccines, that is just further resistance to me and I will have to be stronger with you all by creating more powerful viruses, ones that you don't have vaccines for. Your resistance to me controls what I have to do next to get you to stop and FEEL! If you decide to vaccinate against me then you have chosen to further deny me and your bad feelings and it makes it all worse for yourself. Your feelings and expression of them are all you need to end this terrible time you are going through, you are in control of my next move, your denial of your feelings lead the way.
You look to your Governments to tell you what to do next, to create vaccines to stop you feeling bad, you depend on them to fix it all for you yet again giving your parents control over you because that is what you are used to doing, you are only doing what your parents taught you to do, let your parents control you instead of taking responsibility for this yourself by gong within, going to your feelings and feeling them fully by accepting them, expressing them and letting the truth come to you through your feelings. Be responsible for how bad you feel by feeling your bad feelings and fears about this. The healing of this is in each and every one of you but by allowing the government to parent you further is just more of your denial of how you truly feel. No one can fix this for you, it is for each and every one of you to heal this within yourself, through your feelings, you can do it, you have the tools to heal this, YOUR FEELINGS.
I am Corona, the Virus making you feel your fears, the truth! I will make you feel the truth of your unloving childhood that your parents made you feel. I have always been in each and every one of you laying dormant until now, you are scared of going out and catching it yet it is already in you through your parents unloving parenting of you. I am Corona, I come to light up the truth of your denied and Supressed childhood feelings and you believe I am Bad but I am telling you, I AM GOOD! I am working for your Good, see the healing I am bringing to humanity. You all have the cure and that cure is FEELING YOUR FEELINGS.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 27, 2020 9:26:27 GMT 10
I am feeling a lot of fear coming up over this C-virus. I am scared of the gasping for breath, that really scares me, it's like being strangled to death by an invisable force. There is nothing I can do about it, I cant control it in any way and I am seeing how powerless and out of control I am.
I have been telling Mother and Father how scared I am and that there is nothing I can do to stop myself getting it. I feel so helpless, so hopeless and out of control. Not knowing if I will get it or not is such a terrifying thing, all of that suffering, I dont feel I am able to cope with it.
I feel totally controlled by this virus, it's the boss(my parents), and I have to do as it says, I am scared right now.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 27, 2020 18:51:12 GMT 10
Every day for the last week I have felt weird, like I am coming down with something but then again I have felt like this so many times throughout my healing, flu like symptoms and they never come to anything. The feelings I am getting now are bringing up all of my fear of getting the C-Virus. I am scared of the symptoms that I am seeing in those with the Virus, they are at deaths door and some dying and it is the suffering that scares me, the shortness of breath. I don't have that but I do have a scratchy throat and a bit of a cough but that is it, nothing else so I am Isolating myself which to be honest isn't any different to my every day life.
I am scared of the pain and suffering of this Virus, I am scared of getting it so bad that I cant breathe, that has always scared me. I would hyperventilate and not be able to breathe, it was so horrible and panicky.
I want to get all of these fears out of me, I am scared, frightened of getting it. I am scared of dying in so much pain and in such a horrific way as reported about the C-Virus. I don't want to have to go through it, I have been through so much with the pain of my healing and this is just to much, to overwhelming to deal with. I cant do anything about it, if I get it, I get it and I cant control it in any way, I feel so helpless in all of this, there is nothing I can do to prevent it so I have to just give in to it, waiting for it to come and smother me, suffocate me and do what it wants to me. To take my will completely, to take every inch of power away from me, to take my very last breath if it wants to.
Maybe if I get it, it will only be as bad as my parents control over me, as bad as how powerless they made me feel, maybe it can only be as bad as how I was parented, how much my will was taken by my parents and I did have some power within my family so maybe if I get it, it wont kill me, it will leave me with some life as my parents did. It will not take every bit of power from me as my parents did. Maybe it will affect me just the same as my parents affected me and if I have to have it to know more truth about my childhood denial and suppression, it will only affect me to the extent of how much denial and suppression I have left in me. I cant explain what I mean any clearer, I cant find the right words to express myself and get it right so you all know what I mean so I hope you get it.
Corona said she is no worse that how we have been parented, she is no worse than our denial and suppression of our childhood feelings so maybe if I have to get it then it wont be as bad for me as I have expressed so many childhood feelings. Corona said she cant possible be worse than how it was for us with our parents and all the pain they made us deny and supress.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 28, 2020 20:40:21 GMT 10
Today I feel like this is finally what we have all been trained for by our parents, to be controlled, to be locked down, to be totally taken over and told what to do, every parent has done it to its child so now we are all back there, at that truth. It is being forced back on us to see the truth of our childhood and how controlled we were by our parents. The Government has told us how we are allowed to live and force will be imposed upon us if we disobey, isn't this just what our parents did to us to a lesser or greater degree??
We are all now in the truth of our parental lockdown and 'Will' control, our 'Will' has now been taken just as it was when we were children and how we feel about it is just how we felt as children, it not being fair, feeling so trapped, having our freedom taken, it is bringing up a certain anger in me at being so imprisoned, it is like being under house arrest.
There is nothing to do, how pointless does life now seem without our freedom and it was the same for us as children and if it wasn't then this wouldn't be happening. This is all for our healing and to show us the truth of our denied and supressed childhood. Our parents prepared us for this day, they did it to us and now we have been plunged back into the truth of how they parented us.
This Virus has always been in us, incubating and injected into us at conception by our parents, the virus is our Parents and how they took our 'Will' and stopped our personality expressing itself in creation and now it is happening again, we cant express ourselves out in creation, we are not allowed out because our parents have said so and if we do we will get the Virus or get in trouble. We are all locked down in fear and that fear placed in us by our parents, keeps us prisoners until they say we can go out again. They are in control, they have the say over all of us and we await their instructions.
Now we don't trust anything, not even our post that comes through the door, if you are lucky enough to get any. People are washing it down. We don't trust anyone, we cant even get close to anyone, we hate everyone and believe they will do us harm and infect us and now it is a crime to get near anyone, we have to stay away from every one. The truth of how we feel about others is now coming out, we hate everyone, they are going to harm us, they will kill us and that is the fear we had with our parents. We obeyed them, we let them take our 'Will' because we were scared of them and what they might do to us if we disobeyed. Isn't it the same as how we all feel right now with this Virus.
Corona is showing us the truth of how it was for us with our parents. How you feel about this Virus is how you felt about your parents when you were a child all under the threat of our parents 'Will' over us.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 28, 2020 20:55:32 GMT 10
I haven't got dressed for three days, what's the point. I am feeling so meaningless and pointless when my will has been taken and I am not allowed to do anything. I feel like I have been plunged even deeper into knowing the truth of my childhood and how it made me feel but I denied. This is it, this is showing me how it was for me and it feels so pointless and meaningless, what's the point in life when I have no freedom to use my Will too express my personality, my individualism. I feel trapped and like there is no point to anything, I can be bothered to clean, get dressed, cook or do anything. I am just totally vegging out and being the truth of my pointless self. Knowing how Isolated I have always felt and disconnected from everyone, now I am really living the manifestation of my denied and supressed feelings, so pointless, Isolated and lonely without any drive to do anything just slob out and sleep.
I feel so pointless, life is so pointless when I can not express myself, follow my wills leadings, do what I want to do, what is the fucking point in living, being given a life to live and a personality to express when you are not allowed to do that but do the Will of someone else, your parents, your Government!!! What is the fucking point in being YOU when you are being told to be someone else and do their will instead of your own, NO FUCKING POINT AT ALL, A WASTE OF A LIFE! Coronavirus might as well kill us all off if this is how we are to live because it is not living, it is Oppression.
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Post by samantha9 on Mar 29, 2020 18:16:01 GMT 10
Today I woke up feeling so good, I really feel great, no fear, no signs of feeling ill, nothing just great. I have expressed so much fear and all of the feelings the C-Virus is making me feel and it has been so much that I couldn't have got to without the C-Virus. I feel so much lighter today and feel love for Corona again. I thank her for her healing, I understand her again where as yesterday and the day before I was hating her for making me feel so bad and keeping me locked down and trapped and of course, it wasn't Corona I was hating it was my parents as Corona has helped me feel even deeper, the feelings from my childhood with my parents. Corona is a blessing not a curse, she really is and I hope a few people will be able to surrender to her and work with her and see what she wants you to see about yourself and how it was for you all as children with your parents because the truth she brings up is amazing and has been so trapped inside me.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 2, 2020 7:01:50 GMT 10
I feel so weird. I think I am having a complete breakdown but not in the crazy mad way, it is very quiet but it is happening. I feel so different, not like me at all. I tried to tell Trevor about it. I told him I felt confused, really confused like I was not me, like I am watching myself, not in my body at all. I still don't feel right. Who am I? I don't know right now but I feel like I am leaving me. I have the worst itchy Eczema up my right arm and it is driving me fucking crazy, crazy, that is how I am feeling right now, confused about who I am and very insane, crazy and my eczema is helping me feel my insanity and craziness. This confusion has scared me today, I feel like I am not in my body but watching me do what I do. I really do feel like I am having a fucking breakdown.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 10, 2020 22:25:03 GMT 10
I feel so good today, I have been expressing so many fears about the C-Virus to Mother and Father, really shaking with fear of something so terrible happening to me and it must happen to me because I always get the bad shit happen. I have gone through having a bad throat every day and then waking up the other day with a bad throat and a pain in my left ear when ever I swallow and of course, to me, that was it!! I had it!! I am going to fucking die and my children will never see me again, my son will have no one, he doesn't have a relationship at the moment so he will be totally alone in this fucking awful life and probably kill himself if anything happened to me because I am the only one who listens to his feelings and allows him to express completely. My daughter has a boyfriend and they are solid together so I don't worry so much but my son is so alone and so lonely, I feel he needs me as all of his friends have now died around him, committed suicide so I think if I died he would too.
So many fucking fears, when all of this Virus stuff began I didn't feel anything at all but as the media ramped it all up, I began to have the worst feelings come up in me, mostly about the pain I would go through and the medical intervention, even just looking at how much the push that swab up your nose, Yuk, nearly touching your brain and it is not nice to have done to you, I don't want it, no fucking way. So many invasive things done to keep you alive. One doctor said the sedate you and put a tube down your throat to ventilate your lungs if you need that done, fucking horrific. I just hate the thought of not being able to breathe, struggling to breathe, being suffocated by your own body just the same as the way you were suffocated as a child by your parents, it has to be as bad as it was for you as a child, it cant be any other way and all taylor made for each person because each of our childhoods were different.
Any symptom I did have now all gone and I feel good today, really light like it has all left me. I don't feel an more of that fear, I feel clear of it, I remember it but I don't feel the severity of the fear.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 13, 2020 7:25:23 GMT 10
One day I feel great the next day I feel really shit and I am so fucked of with it. It feels like God is playing with me making me feel like I have the C-Virus one day and bringing me down so much and then the next making me feel great and like how could I possibly believe I have it. God is playing with me, all the time fucking games and I am sick of it, do I have it or not you fucking sadistic Parents!!!!!!
I cant trust them when they are playing with my and my feelings, my mind is all over the place. Every bad pain or feeling I get I go into thinking this is it, I have it and then the next minute I am sure I don't. Games fucking continuous games. Is this what I need?? Is this how it was?? Yes, fucking YES! This is how my parents were with me as a child, I cant trust myself, my feelings, my mind, or anyone else because of their games, I couldn't trust them so I cant trust anyone. Because of the games my parents played I now need to have this awful feeling of one day feeling like I have CV and the next, not. It is horrible not knowing where I stand with it, with them. Do I have it or not, do they love me or not?? I don't know, I just don't know, I never know! I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 19, 2020 19:42:46 GMT 10
I have spent two days feeling utterly wiped out, no energy at all and just wanting to cry because I feel so powerless to do anything. All I want to do is sleep. I feel so nothing and so worthless and so pointless, so fucking weak, like I will break if I get up and it takes so much effort to do anything. I just want to say how fucking shit I feel, so fucking shit, weak, so weak, nothing works.
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Post by samantha9 on Apr 26, 2020 6:35:33 GMT 10
Still expressing all of my C-Virus fears. Some days I feel great and others terrible but as soon as I express all I feel about it, I feel ok again, until the next bad feelings come up. I am feeing better about it, not so scared and as I am expressing it I am feeling like more and more of it is total bullshit and it has brought to me that I never really have known what is true and what isn't. I have never known who to trust and its so confusing to live like that. I feel confused. I am feeling the same confusion as I felt as a child being with my parents and never knowing what to believe about them. The confusion feels so chaotic in my mind and its horrible. I can feel my mind wanting to shut down and not deal with it trying to deny the confusion of just not knowing what or who to trust, it is like I am going round and round in circles getting more and more dizzy with it all. I cant cope with the chaos I feel inside, it is uncontrollable and I feel the media and all the shit that comes out about CV is making me feel the same chaos inside, I just want to scream and hold my ears and head and hide. I feel so powerless in my lack of control of the truth because I don't know what the truth is, I am out of control until I know the truth and it is clear in me. I am in chaos with all of the untruth just how it was for me as a child.
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Post by samantha9 on May 19, 2020 21:47:57 GMT 10
Feeling more of how hated I am today. Trevor and I were just having a conversation about Marijuana and how it helps with pain in MS and maybe Lupus too but I couldn't disagree more. He went on to tell me about its healing benefits and ok, it takes the pain away but it is not healing, don't call it healing!! it is just more denial of the pain and not wanting to feel it or heal it. I told him this and he got angry at me, telling me that he knew it was not healing but he agrees with it for pain control. I totally disagree and is just prolonging the agony of those illnesses when all you have to do is accept this pain as being a part of you that needs your love and attention, to be accepted and wanted instead of being pushed away with pain numbing drugs. I could have tried it for my Lupus pain and that is how the conversation came up, but it is something I could never do, deny my pain, my healing opportunity.
What got me was how I felt his anger and hate towards me in that moment. I have never felt it so intensely before. It hit me and this is how he closes me down all the time, not wanting to hear the truth so he goes of at me just like my parents and I can see why he is here and not moved on yet. I still need him to get to the truth of how I was parented, this is how mum and dad were with me, shutting me down, my expression, my opinions.
Previously to this I had another beautiful experience with Marie, such an amazing and beautiful spirit. She filled me with her loving feelings and every time she does it, I fill with tears at the beauty of the feelings and what I have noticed is whenever this happens, a bad feeling follows for me to heal. The love she gives to me pushes up the bad feelings that need healing, it shines a light on the pain still in me, isn't that amazing!!
I am having bad Lupus feelings and pain but I want it all, it is a part of me that I no longer feel I need or want to push away. It is gold to me, my bad feelings are amazing the truth they bring and now I have Marie with me, such a beautiful spirit, I feel I am no longer alone. I can speak with her when ever I want to and she is there for me, right now I can see her smiling at me with her hands on her hips. She is amazing and fills me with her love and it has taken so long for me to be able to connect with such a beautiful spirit and have any sort of help from any one but now is the right time for me to have some help. I have done so much healing and now I can have the help I need from an amazing Celestial spirit.
The love she gives to me is indescribable and for the first time I am able to give love back to her so she is teaching me about how to give and receive love, something I have never been able to do. This is a huge leap in my healing, to have Celestial help is something I never expected, ever.
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