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Post by samantha9 on Dec 7, 2019 1:16:44 GMT 10
I feel terrible today, I felt ok until I went out into town and it hit me. I came over so weak, like I was going to collapse, like I really couldn't make it any further and I was going to lose my breath and collapse. It scared me feeling so bad and feeling so unsafe because no one was there to help me. I felt so alone with my bad feelings, no one to tell that I feel so bad, it is so lonely to have no one and it is so scary to be so alone with it all.
Now I am home I just want to sleep, it has worn me out feeling so bad, I feel drained and so weak. When I feel like this all I want is a safe place to hide myself away so I can feel as bad as I need to feel without anyone watching me. I feel like I need to get to somewhere safe and there is no where to go so I am abandoned among all of the people around me and no one knows how I feel and it was the same at home with mum and dad, none of them knew just how bad I felt, they had no idea most of the time and I got very good at hiding it from everyone but it was hurting me so much having to hide the truth of m bad feelings. I couldn't tell them, they made me feel like I had to hide it and emotionally, they weren't there for me and now it is just the same, no one is there for me, nothing has changed except I am older but it is just the same feeling.
I am so alone, all I have is this forum to express my self and I have to get it out some how, so I write it and scream it out all the way home in my car, I find the car a great place to shout it all out. I am so tired and drained, I feel totally used up and just want to cry.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 7, 2019 21:10:38 GMT 10
Today I have woken up feeling so pissed of and angry at Mother and Father for everything in my life. So much fucking pain. Looking for jobs again and there is nothing, not one single job that isn't evil or wrong in some way, nothing feels right for me to do. It all gives me a terrible feeling of dread as it is all so against love and God and ME!! It is all so self relient, to ensure the safety of this human body and keep it safe and well looked after so there are no bad feelings that have to be felt. Money is what we do these jobs for and Money is now our God, it looks after us, it cloths, feeds us and keeps a roof over our head as that is all we need to be safe and well food, water and shelter. All that is needed to keep this human body going, safe and sound with no bad feelings to be felt. We have turned our backs on God, and settled for the Money. I am the same, Money is my God and my Nan always used to say that to me as a child "Sam, money is your God" I can still hear her. I am so scared without it, it looks after me and keeps me in the house I love with the food and water and the bills paid, without it I will be chucked out and on the streets and I am so scared of that so I look for a job to earn some money to keep me safe and warm and fed.
I don't trust God to do this for me so I turn my back on God and in all of my evil rebellion and think I and money know better. It is to much of a risk to not bother getting a job and just putting all of my trust in God to look after me, I don't believe they will. I will be left high and dry with nothing, they wont look after me. I wont get what I need from them, they are useless parents. I don't trust them, I cant trust them, it is to much of a risk and I wish I could, I wish I had the faith to let God show me the way but I don't, I don't trust anyone to look after me, it is all down to me to do it all and it always has been.
I wish with all of my heart I could be different but I am fully in my evilness and my rebellion of God, it is like the no longer exist to me, they didn't as a child so why should they now. This is the truth of my childhood. It feels cold and so empty and so alone without them but it has always been this way for me and I cant fake it and pretend they are with me and providing for me because I have never felt so abandoned and left out in my life.
In my earlier healing I was still in the fantasy that I loved them, I wanted to believe they were a part of my life and I had a connection to them but it was all rubbish fantasy, I made it all up wanting to believe it was true so I didn't have to feel the awful truth of being so without love, without them! I am without them, I feel nothing from them or towards them, I am like an empty, cold shell of a person with nothing inside, its so fucking awful to be this scared and alone and without God.
I say all of this yet there is something inside me that keeps me going, that knows something I do not know yet and it pulls me to know that there is a God and I am just not connected to them yet. It keeps me going with my healing knowing there is going to be something at the end of it. I keep on going in my rebellious, evil state and coming to and being the truth of it.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 7, 2019 21:26:23 GMT 10
My evilness is so vast and huge, all of me is evil, everything I do is against God so I might as well go out there and take any job because it will match my condition of truth. I feel devastated to know this truth, I feel deeply futile inside that there is any escaping this condition I am in. The truth, when I stop denying it and just let myself be it, is horrifying to me at just how bad I truly am. I feel so hopeless at being any different. The truth is I am evil in every way and I have spent a whole life pretending to be the opposite, shit what bullshit. I am nothing of the person I portrayed myself to be, I am an awful person, I have been awful to others whilst pretending to them and myself I am nice and wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone. I am everything I am being now and I hate it but it is me, it is how I have been parented to be and my parents covered up the same shit as they passed on to me. MY PARENTS ARE THE CAUSE AND I AM THE EFFECT!! being everything they hated in themselves and tried to cover up by being so perfect and nice when inside lurked so many demons, the truth of their own childhoods and their parents parenting. I see what I have done and now the effects of what I have caused are being shown to me through my children, my law of attraction, through every second of life and it is everywhere, I cant escape it, it is all coming to get me and it is dark and evil and that is how \I feel. The denied and supressed truth that lurks within us all is very dark and very evil.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 7, 2019 23:19:49 GMT 10
I fee so bored and within me I have such a strong feeling and need for some excitement and it is just the same longing as I had as a child and through my teenage years being so bored and longing for something good to happen. It was mundane having nothing to do, it was a deeply anxious time for me as I was so desperate to break out of the mundaneness of my family life and control. They had me under their control because they said what I could and couldn't do, they never had any money so I couldn't ask for any so couldn't do anything. I would go off with my friends and watch them spend their money wishing I had rich parents who could give me regular pocket money not just when they could spare 50p. It was a childhood full of wishful thinking, wishing it could be a different way for me and I am still the same now. Wishing it could all be so different, not how it is. Still wanting to be something I am not because the truth of how it really is for me is to boring and mundane.
I sit here now feeling how NOTHING it all was and is. Nothing to look forward to, no excitement only food, I have that to look forward to. Its all I have in my life, food!!
It is so quiet in the house, just me. Nothing is going to change, I will just stay here in the silence all day until it is time to go to bed and wake up the same tomorrow, more boredom just as it was for me as a child. Boredom is a lonely place, no one wants to be with me, talk to me, play with me, know anything about me. No one asks me anything really, no one wants to know how I am feeling and they never have, it has to be this way for me because it was like this for me as a child. I just did as I was told and I took to being creative and arty because my boredom led me to it, it was something to take me away from my feelings and make the time go quicker. My reasons for being creative are all so unloving, my creativity is denial of my feeling so bad, it took me away from feeling my bad feelings. Not even my creativity is true or good, it all took me further away from myself. I was bored and lonely, the two go together because if someone took notice of me and wanted to be with me, was really interested in me, I wouldn't feel bored or lonely, I would be filled with the knowing that someone loved me and wanted to know all about how I was feeling. No one did!
I just feel so NOTHING. So useless and pointless and this is how it is to be without love, to not have it instilled in me from conception so that I have no doubt I am loved, that feeling would be in me always but it is not. I am empty and feel no such feelings. Without feeling love, then what is the point in existing and filling my life with things to fill the space where love should have been, all addictions and substitutes for what is so missing in me. The truth is I don't feel love, I am not Loving and it has all been pretending. That is how you are meant to be, nice, good and a loving person, that is how mum and dad wanted me to be but they didn't put those true feelings into me, I have never felt loved so I cant be it or give it or feel it, it would all be fake and untrue and I cant do that any more.
I just don't know where I go from here!!
I feel like I just want to sleep to make time pass, more denial of my bad feelings. I am so stuck and confused as to where I go from here feeling so void of any loving feelings, knowing any loving feelings I had were not real, it was how I was told I had to be. I used my mind to be loving, it didn't come from my heart and I don't know how that feels to have true love coming from my heart. I feel like that isn't even possible for me to feel that ever. Oh God it all feels so bad and so far away, if it ever happens for me. I don't feel capable of love, giving it or receiving it and I don't feel I ever will feel it. That is a hopeless place to live in and that is how I feel, so hopeless, like giving it all up because I am such a lost cause and I can see how that will ever change, I really cant.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 9, 2019 18:05:28 GMT 10
On this day in 1967, I was born into this world. Born by default into a world of Rebellion, I had no say over it, On some deeper soul level I did agree but I feel I had no say. I was born into a world that had been created for me, all the evil systems put in place, all the programming put in place for me to be born into and carry on with the evilness of my forefathers. 1967 was a bad year for me, what loving parent would want to bare a child into a world of rebellion and default, that child carrying the pain of its parents so it has a life of pain and anguish like mine has been and when you do your healing you will also realise what pain you were born into. I don't celebrate being born into the damage of man, in fact I feel like crying at such an unloving and selfish action.
In 1967 it all began for me, such pain, the beginning of such awful pain, 52 years of it. being born into a defaulted world, having it all set out for me as a default setting that this is how I am to live and what a disappointment it has been.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 9, 2019 20:20:57 GMT 10
I AM FEELING AWFUL. Its my Birth Day today and I am feeling as awful as I felt on that day. I was so scared, I had no idea what was happening to me and I still feel like that now, all the time in fact. I was disorientated, frightened, petrified, terrified just as I am now, all the time. I am still as scared as the day I was born, I am still that disorientated baby not knowing what the fuck is going on, what is happening to me. I am being squeezed out of this tight place and all I know is it fucking hurts me and mum, she is screaming and it is me that is causing her pain as I try to get out of her. I am the cause of her pain, I still carry that guilt and have always been trying to make up for it, trying to make her feel good because I want to be forgiven for causing her so much pain. I carry that guilt around with me and feel everything is my fault so I have to make every one happy and not cause anyone any pain, the pain I caused my mum on my Birth Day. it was such a horrific experience, the most terrifying time of my life and I relive it every minute of every day. Shit I cant stop crying at the pain my birth caused to mum and me.
I had no idea why I was going through so much pain as I entered the world head first, no wonder I get headaches, it was the first part of me to experience this world and its unlovingness as I was pulled out of mum and then smacked on the arse so I cried. The first experience of life was abuse and terror. Its enough to do the permanent damage it has done to me. No wonder I am so scared of this world, because my first experience of it was so terrifying. In 1967 a child was held upside down by the feel and smacked on the bum to get its first cry out of it and make sure it was ok but what a thing to do to a baby just coming into the world. I was delivered by a man and it was him that did all of this to me, all men are so scary to me and it is no wonder!!
This Birth Day is the worst one yet, I am feeling it all so much deeper and more real. It is awful and so horrible to be brought into the world in such an awful way. I have always been so confused and so disorientated in my life, never knowing what is happening to me and why so much pain and bad feeling and now it all makes sense. The whole story from my conception to birth was a fucking terrifying experience and so unloving and my whole life has been exactly the same, living it all out time and time again, every day. I have been constantly scared and so unaware of what is going on just as it was at my conception and birth.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 9, 2019 20:52:38 GMT 10
The scariest thing has been being born into a world I have had no say in. Being born into a world already created for me by unhealed people. Being born into Rebellion and Default without the choice of whether I wanted to or not. Not being aware of what I was letting myself in for and any agreement being made by my soul being long forgotten. I feel so out of control with it all. As a kid I was so scared of the world, I can remember in the early 80's hearing on the news about Nuclear bombs and cold war and I just sat there and cried my eyes out. My sister asked me what was wrong and I told her that we were all going to die in a nuclear war, I had just heard it on the news. That memory has stayed with me, I was so scared, I didn't want to die but I would have no choice or say in it, my will completely taken away and replaced by the will of those in charge and this was what I had been born into, none of it being what I wanted but I had no say. All so evil.
Being born into a world with people who think they know best, my parents, my teachers, my bosses, my Government all making choices for me without asking my how I feel. What is the point in ME when it is all decided for me, I feel useless and pointless, what was the point in being born into a world that is all decided for me and any choices I want to make have to comply with what has already been set in stone. What has been the fucking point in it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 11, 2019 7:27:17 GMT 10
I am feeling fucking awful again, I know I go on and on about how awful I feel but today I have dropped into an even deeper level and I just don't know myself, this is the depths of the denied and supressed feelings I have to wanted to know, I don't know them so it feels like I don't know myself but these feelings have just been waiting in my all my life for m to stop denying them and begin getting to feel them. I have dropped into them big time and I feel so trapped, like there is no escape from my bad feelings, I feel utterly trapped and I there is no escape, I have to let them crush me as there is nothing else I can do.
These feelings are all to do with the even deeper pains of seeing what I have created for my children and the pain they are in, my son more that my daughter. I feel like I cant do anything for him and yet it is all my fault, I am the cause and he is the effect of my unloving parenting.
I don't know how anyone will be able to cope with doing their healing if they are a parent, I really don't. Even if you have been the most loving parent ever, you are not healed so your children will, by default, have inherited all of your denied and supressed bad feelings and when you come to do your healing all of those feelings will be there waiting for you and you will see, as I am seeing, there was nothing loving about how you parented your children. I don't know how people are going to be able to cope, I can barely and I am on my own with this with no one to share my healing with and it is crushing me, I feel like dying as I see the truth of what I have done to them and all the ways I have been so unloving and I believed I was a loving mother to my two children. This is torturous and every time they tell me how they feel it tortures me more as I can see where it all came from, them not being loved by me. My fake love that never entered their hearts but just lingered in their minds as an idea of love. They never felt my love, how could they as I never felt the love my own parents said they had for me, it was all from their mind to mine, not from their heart to mine as it should have been, then I would have felt it, it would have been real and true, I would have felt it as a truth.
What I can my children were just words from my minds idea of love that I received from my parents as a child, I believed it was love but always wondered why I couldn't feel love or give it. I thought I was defective in some way, broken and it must all be my fault because my parents loved me. Oh my god it is all so wrong.
All of the tiny things I never gave any mind to being wrong or unloving, they are now HUGE! they have caused permanent damage to my children, things we all laughed at at the time but they were not funny, they were damaging to my children. Taking the mick out of them for something they might have done, thinking it was funny, something they might have said and we all laughing at them, all so wrong, it wasn't funny, it was condescending, humiliating them, putting them down, making them feel so stupid and dumb, embarrassing them in front of their friends. It all made them feel bad and now others do it to them and it makes them feel just as bad and if I hadn't done it to them then they wouldn't have the injury in them that needs others to also do it to them. I see it all, everything I have done to them being played out by others to show them the pain that is in them from their childhood.
I have been the worst thing for my children and I cant do anything about it, I cant fix it for them but I have to just watch all that pain I put into them, come out. There is so much pain I can t bare it, I really feel today like I have sunk to a new low at feeling these feelings, I have gone deeper and it is very black and I cant get out of it. I am stuck sitting in my own shit, what I have created for my children.
Right now I have such a terrible nagging in me that I cant get to, shit it is such a longing that I am trying to feel. It hurts, its a pull and I cant get to it. Its about my children, I know that. Its such a burning inside me that I want to get to but cant and it is eating me away right now that I can feel the truth of it. Such a horrible nagging that something isn't resolved in me, a really bad feeling. "Please Mother and Father help me get to the truth of this pain" I am so desperate to get to the truth of this nagging "Please help me!" It feels like I have done something so terrible, a guilty feeling that I have hurt someone and I cant fix it, it is the pain I have caused to my children. I cant save them, I cant help them and it is all my fault and I cant do anything about it all but watch them hurt and watch them go through so many bad experiences due to what I have put into them, the bad feelings I have given them for them to need such a bad law of attraction so they can feel the truth of their denied childhood pain. The nagging pain I am feeling is the pain of being so unable to help them, being so fucking helpless. I am overwhelmed with the helplessness that I can do nothing for them. I dread the next pain they come to me with, I want to put my hands over my ears and not hear it, I cant bare the pain that hits me as they tell me about their pain, which to the normal person is called every day living but to me it is a blow, an energy that floors me nearly and I feel like I am going to die. My soul shrinks and I can really feel it happening to me, its a physical pain that I don't think any one will understand until they do their healing and I don't just mean their own pain, I mean the added pain of what they have done to their children. Yes, you have your own healing to do and also that of what you have done to your children!!
I can hardly bare to face my children at the moment and I have never felt like this before, not to this extent. I just see PAIN! I just feel PAIN!
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 22, 2019 20:10:59 GMT 10
I don't feel any good, good for nothing. I am so scared to do anything that may even be a bit out of my comfort zone, everything is going to hurt me or cause me pain. Everyone and everything is going to hurt me, ridicule me, stamp all over me and crush me. It isn't safe for me in this world and I have always felt like that and when I was younger, in my 20's, it got to a stage where I couldn't even go out the front door. I don't feel safe in this world. Because I don't feel safe I feel like I cant do anything, it is to scary. I am so scared of life and the pain it brings. I am so scared of what it will do to me, what will happen to me in life. I am scared of the past, the present and the future, I am scared of everything. Feeling about it deeper, I felt like this about my dad, just the same, always scared so I am now scared of everything because I was scared of that huge man, the male role model in my life has made me scared of everything in life. Just his energy was scary, he was funny but only when he was in control of it. He had to be obeyed and respected we could only moan about him behind his back, never to his face, it wasn't allowed to express our feelings about him. We were scared of him and now I am scared of all life, it might hurt me.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 23, 2019 4:43:58 GMT 10
A day of feeling awful, feeling the depths of my Nothingness. Being so bored and not knowing what to do with myself. Having no idea about what to do. Feeling so bored and like everything is so pointless and empty, I feel like I have no where to go from here, I am nothing and everything I have done has been in avoidance of feeling this truth, of not letting it into my awareness. I am now fully aware that I am now feeling the truth of my Nothingness. I am good for nothing and feel completely Nothing. No point to anything. I feel so empty inside, like there is nothing left of me.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 24, 2019 2:20:01 GMT 10
Feeling worse than ever today after a terrible night as my Son's best friend hung himself. I just don't know what to say, I was called to go to his friends house by my son because he wanted me there and as the police came out of the house and told us there was nothing they could do, we all went into shock and all three of us that were their cried uncontrollably. It has put me into a deep darkness of understanding why we all had to share this experience. I have seen the pain I have put into my son that required this terrible experience. They were like brothers and now he has gone and left my son alone, without his closest friend. My son is still in shock and cries every time e speak, as do I, the grief pours out of us and the shock of his death. He wanted to die on Yule, the 22nd, he had planned it all even down to telling his flat mate to make sure he puts the bins out and that the rent has been paid up so he didn't have anything to worry about looking for a new room. All so clean cut and planned just leaving the grief for everyone else to feel, the grief that has always been inside us all. He is helping us to feel our denied and repressed childhood pain, letting the healing waters flow out of us about how unloved we all are.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 24, 2019 8:49:58 GMT 10
I am in so much pain right now, to listen to my Son's heart breaking over the loss of his friend, its al I can do but keep bursting into tears when ever I need to. I could be just sitting down and all of a sudden an overwhelming grief floods within me. It surges through me, so much pain and grief, I feel it so strongly and I am shocked at how bad I am taking it. This grief is in me and it has to come out, I see it as my Sons friend is helping me to reach my own grief, the denied and repressed parts of me that I wont go to, it is all being forced up and out of me. I feel so incredibly full of pain, my son called me to tell me he had gone back to his flat as he had stayed with his dead friends girlfriend to comfort her last night, and his friends flat mate, they all stayed together at the house where his friend died to look after each other but now my son is back at his own flat and feeling the depths of how alone he is, how alone I have always made him feel, never being their for him, rejecting him so I could go off and live my own life, he is feeling the truth of that rejection and it is just like a death, it is like you are dying because I am feeling it to as I have no one tell about how terrible I am feeling, I am alone with my feelings as I was as a child. I am helpless to do anything to make it easier for my Son, he is on his own with his grief just as I was and am. I cant even look at him with out bursting into tears because of the pain I can see I have caused him.
I have been such an unloving parent and I have caused this awful life of pain for my son. if he was truly loved his life would have been so different but his life is showing me how I parented him and he only feels pain, there is no love present for him, he is alone and cant ever see life being any better for him and I have caused this in him and the pain I feel, the excruciating pain I am in is the compensation I pay for being such an unloving parent to my son.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 24, 2019 10:12:51 GMT 10
I have always felt that my job in life was to make everything alright, fix it all for everyone, make them happy and their lives easier, I| grew up being that person for my parents, keeping them happy, finding solutions for them and I have carried on doing this in all aspects of my life but the more my healing has gone on, the truth is being shown to me, I cant make anything better for anyone! I cant fix anything or anyone! I cant take anyone's pain away and it is unloving of me to try! My role in life is slowly being stripped away from me and I am seeing the truth, I cant do anything to help anyone, nothing works, I cant do it!
I wanted to be a Nurse as a child, to take peoples pain away and make them better, fix them. Then as I grew up I wanted to be a healer and miraculously heal people to make them better and take their pain away. This was my job to make life happier, more joyful but it was all a fantasy. I cant stop Pain for anyone. It is their pain and they have it for a very good reason and it is not for me to take it away, in fact that is the most unloving thing I could do but I am so programmed to jump in ad make it all better, like yesterday with my sons friends death, I jumped right in, I was called and I was there to make it all better for everyone involved but it didn't work. I could do nothing but leave them to their grief and after a few minutes I felt this, I felt like I was useless being there, nothing I did would make this any better. I thought I had to be for them, what I had to be for my parents, the fixer!!
I now know I can fix nothing, that default setting in me that has to jump to attention and fix it all, all the bad stuff, has now been seen and it doesn't work, it is rubbish because everyone's pain is their own to feel and heal, I cannot interfere with any ones pain although my parents made it my job to be the fixer and what a huge burden that has been to put on a child.
Right now I can see it so clearly, the wrongness put into me to make it all right and how futile that all is. I can see the lie I have told myself all these years, that I can fix it, I can make it better, my parents made me believe that and it is bullshit, I don't have the power to make anything alright for anyone. I have to let everyone down I am afraid and tell them, I cant fix you, I don't have the answers, I cant do anything and it has all been a lie I was told by my parents and I have told myself. Such a huge expectation to put on myself and for my parents to have of me.
I am nothing, I am powerless to do anything.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 25, 2019 0:31:06 GMT 10
I am feeling better today. Like I have accepted how Nothing I am and how I can do nothing about it, just be it. Live in my true Nothingness. My mum and dad came over today, its Christmas Eve and they brought presents around for me, despite me asking them not to, I don't want anything. They still did it and it angered me that they didn't listen to what I wanted. I wanted nothing from them or anyone, I have told and told them not to buy me anything, I don't do Christmas and certainly don't want any presents but they still had to buy me things. they don't listen to me, they don't take my 'Will' seriously, the believe me saying 'No' means 'Yes'. They don't respect what I want and it has always been this way. Most people would say "Oh that was nice, your mum and dad buy you something" but it isn't nice, it has gone against my wishes completely, they have overridden me again and again thinking they know better and I don't mean what I say.
My dad was his usual controlling self and I could tell he couldn't wait to leave, I haven't seen him for so long, probably two days in three years and those two days were brought down to about half an hour in time. He is so uncomfortable with me as I am with him, I don't feel him as my father and never have, we have no emotional connection and I could feel that even stronger today, there is nothing between us. He is a condescending, controlling man and all I feel from him is his denied and supressed anger and pain as he battles to have the higher ground in every conversation. He must be right all the time and no one is to cross him or tell him he is wrong which I did a couple of times today, I don't care how it makes him feel any more, at one time I never would have dreamt of going against him in any way but I don't care now as I don't feel like he is my dad. I don't like him and I don't think he likes me any more. As soon as I expressed how I felt about what he was saying, he pulled out his car keys and told my mum they are leaving. He cant be around me for to long, he sits on the edge of his seat always waiting to leave, he doesn't want to be around me and I don't want to be around him.
I feel released today, I feel like we both don't like each other so we can just leave each other. Before he was sad about our drifting relationship but today I didn't feel any sadness in him just the feeling of him wanting to get away from me and that felt good. I don't want him to want me or be sad I don't want to be his daughter, it keeps me tethered to him, it keeps a cord attached from him to me and I can see the cord and feel it and it feels horrible, like he has such control over me still but today I felt that cord having been broken and I felt free, emotionally free of him and that feels so good. He has given up wanting me to come back to him like the good little girl I used to be who would obey him and not cross him, I gave him all the respect he needed, all the respect he never got from him father, he sort it from me, he demanded it from me so he could at last feel powerful and gain the respect back that he lost.
I feel like it is over now, now I don't give him what he wanted from me, he has given up with me and the truth of how he really feels about me has come out and that truth I felt so deeply today, he doesn't like me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't want me and I feel the same way about him and now it is TRUE an he can give up on me and not bother to try to get me back. It is over, I really can feel it between us, the cord is cut and we don't like each other, he was just pretending to like me, saying all the right words but they were all deluded. He doesn't have to love me if he doesn't feel it and that is all I have wanted, the truth, for him to give up pretending that just because he is my father that he has to love me, he doesn't, he never has and I never felt it from him. As a child it confussed me, there was always something wrong with me and him and I didn't know what it was when I was a child but now I know, he didn't love me, he never has and I have never loved him but I thought I had to, I thought it was something so bad not to love your dad but the truth is we don't love each other and now I feel that there is nothing wrong with that because I have never really liked him, just been scared of him.
I am feeling so free right now, I am feeling so happy. Something has really changed between us and it is the truth that has set us both free, we don't love each other, we don't have to love each other. I was tied to him by a cord that he created in me making me feel like I was such a bad person for having feelings of not loving him but I got those feelings from him not loving me. I didn't feel his love for me so I couldn't feel any love for him but he made me feel like it was such a bad thing to not feel love for your parents, I felt such a bad person for having these feelings but to day I have finally accepted we don't love each other, I don't love him and it is ok not to love him. I can stop punishing myself for not loving my dad and all of that self punishment was only the punishment he made me feel.
It is over, I don't love him and he doesn't love me no matter what he may tell himself, I know he doesn't love me, today I felt it deeper than anything. I know, without any doubt we don't love each other and because of this lack of love from and for my father I cannot love any man because every man is my father. Today I feel like I have really accepted that truth and I feel compassion for myself because it isn't my fault that I cant truly love any male, I wasn't loved by my first male role model so I cant love any man.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 25, 2019 21:28:11 GMT 10
I have felt nothing more painful than feeling the compensation for the pain I have caused my children. The is no jail sentence that could be more painful than what I am going through right now, especially with my son. Because of the lack and lose of love between me and my father, it has been the same with every man including my son. If I have no love then my son can feel no real love from me and this is all because I wasn't loved by my father, no I can not truly love any man, including my son, my poor, poor son who suffers because of this lack and loss of love.
The death of his friend have completely devastated him and I sit with him letting him cry and break down constantly and all I can do is listen and cry with him, I want him to get it all out and I am prepared to just listen to him as his heart breaks, he has lost so many friends to suicide and it all comes back to me and how unlovingly I parented him. He is losing everyone he cares about, one by one all of his friends are dying and it is fucking awful to see it and the pain he is going through, such loss like I have never seen. It all shows him his soul condition, he is in a bad way because of the lack of love from me and his father, it all comes back to that truth, if he felt truly loved his law of attraction would be so different but he was abandoned by his parents emotionally, that is me and his father. We have done this to him and now I am seeing what my unloving parenting has done to him, he was born into it by default, a rebellion against love and God so all he can have is pain and I feel like dying inside because of what I have done to him, I am paying for it through my feelings.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 26, 2019 9:33:16 GMT 10
I feel such a pointlessness. Such a uselessness in e everything I do. One day turns into the next with more feelings of boredom and pointlessness. I cant imagine life being any different for me. I have no one to talk a out it to because all I would get back is useless chat trying to take me away from my feelings by telling me to go and do something if I feel this shit but that would all be using my mind to deny how I feel. Going and doing something doesnt heal how bad I feel, those bad feelings are all still there waiting for me once I have done whatever it is I do to stop me feeling bad. No, I have to sit this out and feel all the shitty, bad feelings I feel, feel the depths of my pointlessness and how I have got to a depth with it where I feel I cant go any further, I have hit rock bottom and there is no where else to go with my feelings.
I feel like I have got to a strange place, a final place where there is nothing left, a huge endless void of nothingness. I dont know where to go from here and it is like everything I feel about takes me to this place and I cant move from it.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 31, 2019 20:58:07 GMT 10
I cant stress enough how our parenting of our children is so unloving. Even if you consider yourself to be a very loving parent, when you come to do your healing you will find it has all been as far from love as possible and its a shock!!
I thought I was a good mum, a loving mum doing all the normal things we mums do with our children but throughout my healing I can now see it was all evil and so far from loving. I am totally shocked at the extent of my unloving parenting that has caused my children so much pain in their lives and I see it all play out in front of me and it is unbearable to know the truth, that I am the cause of their pain. The intentions that festered under everything I did with them, God, it is all so awful and these intentions are the truth and it can only be gained by doing your feeling healing and asking Mother and Father (God) to help you see the truth of why you did it and this truth has crippled me. To know the reasons behind my so called loving parenting, why I did what I did, shit its all been unloving, I haven't been the loving parent I deluded myself into believing I was. Now I am feeling the compensation of my unloving parenting of my children and I can hardly bare it. I want to curl up in a ball and hide, disappear, make it all go away, all the awful truth of the intentions behind my parenting. It is horrific, like I am living in HELL every day and this is the HELL I have put into my children.
They are suffering and I am being forced to see it, it is like my Angels are forcing my eyes open and every time it gets to much and I want to shut my eyes to it all, I cant because as I close my eyes my Angels put another image into my mind of a time I was unloving to them and I cant escape from it, it is like they are saying to me "This is the truth of what you have done Sam, this is how you hurt them" and they wont let me get away with it. I can see everything, every unloving act, or even what I thought was a loving act, it all turns out to be so awful because of the true intent that was making me do these things. Something so slight that it went missed by me, like for example taking them to the play round as children, my true intention wasn't for them to have a good time but for me to not have to amuse them, they cold go off and play with out me being involved. They would go off and play on all of the playground equipment and join in with other children and even if they asked me to push them on the swing, I would do it but the truth of how I felt was that I didn't want to , I just wanted them to leave me alone while they played, it was all such a chore when I feel about it now. I didn't want to play with them, I couldn't be bothered but did it because I didn't want to be known as a bad mother, but I was.
If the truth be known I didn't really want to do anything for them or with them, it was all a chore and I denied this truth completely, shutting out those bad feelings because it was horrible for a mother not to want her children.
My mind has just been filled with the image of me putting a dummy into my children's mouths when they cried as babies and it was because I wanted to shut them up, I didn't want to hear them wanting me so I gave them a substitute to pacify them. to take their minds off wanting me, I didn't want them to want me so I stuck the dummy in. This is something so many mothers do to pacify their children because their cries upset us, annoy us. A new born baby will be quietened with a pacifier/dummy because its mother doesn't want to hear it, she wants to shut it up and is that not unloving, is that not telling your child you cant have me, I don't want to give myself to you so shut up and make do with this.
Its suck simple acts that we all do all the time to our children because we don't want to share ourselves with them, we don't want that connection and if children cant connect to their parents then they cant connect to anyone or anything in their future lives. All relationships become disconnected for them and I see this in my own children and their disconnections.
I am in a very dark place with my children, we are all going through the truth of this unloving relationship and it is gruelling, dark and the most pain I have ever felt. I could have stayed in denial of my unloving parenting and carried on as a normal mother believing I loved my children and they loved me but my healing has not left any stone unturned, everything has been brought up from the dark into the light of the truth and it isn't the truth that hurts me so much but the feelings the truth brings up with in me. The truth is always loving because it is helping me heal all of those denied and supressed bad feelings that lurk inside my soul. The truth is helping me to own my delusion and I have been truly deluded all my life believing I have been a good person, a great mum, a good friend when the truth is completely the opposite, I have been none of these things and it has been a shock to me, like I have been shaken by God to wake up and know the truth of how I really am, all of that crap you dare not let anyone know or see about you so you hide it inside and it festers, it stinks, it is rotten and putrid and if it could be seen on the outside instead of the make up and other shit we use to fool ourselves and others that we are beautiful and good, we would be a grotesque monster, the truth of our true soul condition would look like a horror story and we would be rejected and unloved by everyone so it all stays in making itself known by illness, afflictions, terrible events happening to us etc. The truth of how we really are inside will make itself known a it has for me. There is no escape from our denied and suppressed feelings, they will always make themselves known in what ever clever way they can, they will have a say no matter how much we want to hide them. I know this to be true because I am doing my healing and can now see all the ways my denied and suppressed childhood feelings have expressed themselves in my life and it has been so painful yet all I had to do was give them a voice and stop hiding them, stop being so ashamed of them, of who I really am. I am a bad mother, I am a bad friend, I am a bad wife, I am a bad girlfriend, I am a bad person in so many ways I have been horrible to so many when on the outside being so nice and good but my feelings say otherwise. I have been a fake person, being who people want me to be so I will be accepted and wanted and loved, I couldn't bare to be rejected and thought of as horrible but now I know its the truth. I made a life out of deceiving everyone and myself and only through my healing have I known this, I have been an imposter to everyone and to myself and it is so hard to come back to the truth of yourself. It is so hard to be yourself and can only be done through healing who we are not, who we have pretended to be and that pretence is so ingrained and programmed in us that we believe it is us, such deluded fools.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 31, 2019 21:25:51 GMT 10
It is our unloving parenting that kills our children. It is our own denied and supressed childhood feelings that kill our children as we pass them on to the newly formed child growing in its mothers womb. We born them into a world they never asked for, a world already formed and in place for them to grow into and its a cruel place that they had no say in its making. By default these new pure babies are born into a world we have created for them and if we really loved children why would we create such a world for them, its all so unloving and horrible and the most loving thing you could do is to not have children so they don't have to be born into a world of denied and supressed feelings, a fake world where you don't really know anyone because everyone is just pretending. A deluded world of grown up children who have been denied by their parents and still living out that pain every moment of their lives and created surroundings based on that pain. Everything in this world has been created by children in pain and we then go on to have more children and pass that pain on to them believing it is a loving thing to do.
I had my children and they were born into this rebellion of love by default, they had no say in it all and how unloving is that to be born into such pain.
"I am so sorry my children for what I have born you into. I am so sorry for passing on all of my denied and supressed feelings into you both and dumping all of that shit in you while you were in my womb. I am so sorry for the times I can remember being in such a dark place that I would punch my pregnant body with rage and anger because of the relationships I was in and the fighting that made me feel so frustrated that I didn't want to bring you into it all. I am so sorry for making you feel this pain from me whilst I was carrying you both. I am now paying for it all, as you both are too. What I feel every day is pure HELL about what I have done to you both and I wish I could change it all but I cant, all I can do is revisit it all and my Angels are helping me with that. To see the truth of how I parented you and how I felt every step of the way. It is gruelling and I feel devastated, in fact there are no words to describe how bad I am feeling. You both come to me with your pain and it kills me a little bit more as it is my pain and I gave it to you and you are showing it to me, what I gave to you, rubbing my nose in it. making me feel the excruciating pain of what I have done to you, this is the compensation I am now paying for what I have done to you both. I am truly sorry, it doesn't sound good enough just to say sorry, but the pain, the feelings inside me are excruciating as they come up, I am so sorry my beautiful children."
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 2, 2020 19:31:56 GMT 10
The Evilest thing I have ever done is to have my children. To fill them up with my crap, all of my fears and my evil will, to make them do my bidding over theirs, its pure evil. To think I knew better than them, such arrogance, such control, such evilness and now I have ruined them as I watch my will over them unfold. I have damaged them completely as I see what they have taken on from me and their fathers. They were alright and I went and broke them with my will believing I knew what was best for them but how could I know!! I was a broken child too just telling them how to be broken, just like me. This is the greatest pain I have ever had to endure, seeing what I have done to my children and it doesn't stop, every day it goes on and the call me up and text me about their pain and it is so overwhelming to hear about it yet it is my fault, I am now getting it all back, what I have done to them.
I pray to God to take them back, they are Gods children not mine and I want them to take over parenting them. I have made such a mess of it and I now give up, it is to much for me to see what I have done to them. I want God to take over now, I see the mess I have made of these two pure souls that belong to God and they were put in my care and I fucked them up. It is all to much for me, I have ruined them, made such a mess with my unloving parenting, thinking I was being a great and loving mother but it was all the opposite. I cant bare to hear any more of their pain, I cant do anything about it and it is all my fault. Now I am asking God to fix the mess I have made because I cant cope with it, with the compensation pf my unloving parenting.
Wow, what a mess I have created in my children's life and all I can do is listen to them, listen to their pain, let the pour it out on me like they are giving it back to me what I gave to them. To see your children in such pain, its a real killer, to feel so helpless and knowing that you have done this! there is nothing I can do to fix it for them, I am out of control and I cant make any of it better for them. It is like as my healing has gone on and more truth has come out in me, their lives have got worse, the truth has come up in their lives to for me to see, even though they are not doing their healing like I am but because I am doing mine they are almost being forced to do theirs too because the truth is being pushed up in their lives for them to see and they come to me with it and want to know why this is happening and I have to tell them, it is because of me and what pain you both took on from me at conception, your pain is my pain.
Yesterday my son came over and he was pouring out more of his pain to me and all I could do is to listen and explain to him that I did this to him, it was my pain that is now his pain. While I was carrying him all of my pain flowed into him and he is now living it and I see it, it is all mine and as he tells me about it I can remember every bit of it and my pain came from my parents and so back it goes in our family lineage, all broken passing on our broken parts to our children and it is meant to be a loving act to have a child!!!!!!
I sat there crying in front of my son yesterday, telling him I was so sorry to do this to him, to have burdened him with my injuries for him to live them. If he was loved, he wouldn't feel like this, love doesn't do this, love doesn't feel suicidal and broken like he does. Being hated, rejected, unwanted and unloved makes you feel suicidal and hated by everyone.
I have done this, this is what my so called love has done to him. He is the product of my loving parenting and I got it all so wrong.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 7, 2020 21:22:25 GMT 10
I hate looking so fucking ugly. without my fake self I am so ugly. My fake self wore make up and stayed slim to make sure she was looking good and I felt wanted and admired like that. Now I am not even seen, I have no make up any more, I haven't bought it in a few years and I look fucking ugly, I fucking hate myself, I hate my natural self, I cant express how much I hate me. I look at old photos of myself and I was pretty, I had a wonderful figure and if only it were all true but its not and I hate the truth. I feel so angry at the truth of how ugly I am and at how pretty the untruth was. This has really brought out the truth in me, how much I was hiding because I hated the truth of myself, that I am ugly without all the things I did to make me pretty and I knew I was ugly without it all so had to cover it all up so I could be acceptable, be what everyone wanted, be what I wanted and more to the point, be what MEN wanted and now I have stopped doing all the things to be wanted by MEN!! by my DAD!! Now I am not wanted by anyone, no man looks at me twice, I am like a ghost, unseen. This is the truth of why I tried to make myself seen because I was so unseen.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 14, 2020 5:59:47 GMT 10
My left eyelid has been enflamed and itchy for about three weeks now and when I wake up my left eye is so puffy I cant see out of it properly. My daughter used to work at an opticians and said it is Blepharitis, a irritation of the eyelid and she has some wipes that will get rid of it. I have chosen not to medicate it and listen to what it has to tell me. The feelings that come up are all about how much I hate myself. It is on my left side so that is the feminine side and I hate how it looks, it is all fat and puffy and looks disgusting and these feelings are exactly the same as how I feel about myself.
My eye is so right, the way I see my eye is the way I see myself, the way I hate my eye looking like this is the same as how much I hate myself looking like this. I am ashamed of it, I am ashamed to go out and let people see me and that is how I feel about myself at the moment, so ashamed of letting anyone see me.
I am amazed to see the truth my eye has to tell me about myself. Just how I am feeling about me, it is so right. It is so amazing.
I wont medicate it, I will leave it to see how bad it gets so I can feel more truth about myself that I am denying, I want it to bring all of my self hate up. How I feel about my eye is how \I feel about myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 14, 2020 6:19:51 GMT 10
My eye is so itchy, I want to scratch it out of my fucking head, it is so itchy and I want to scratch it constantly. It is crusty and the skin feels hard and inflamed but it is so itchy, it is driving me mad at how itchy it is. It is so fucking itchy, so irritated, irritating me constantly, I cant leave it alone. I can see the inflamed and swollen skin out of my eye, it is in the way and it looks so gross.
I went to the post office today and I saw the lady looking at me as if to say "that looks fucking gross" it does, it is so fucking gross, so fat, so swollen, so itchy, so horrid, so huge and ugly, so fucking ugly, it makes me look so disgusting. When will it calm down and go away?
It is so unsightly and that is how I feel about myself, I am so unsightly, so gross, so ugly, so fat and I hate myself like I hate this eye. It is so unwanted by every one and me. It makes me look so ugly, so unsightly. I can feel a pain at the back of my eye, I have dry eyes and it makes such a sharp stabbing pain in my left eye, it scares me, what is it? is it something nasty, a growth, a tumour something awful like that. It always has to be the worst thing wrong with me, I am always dying of something. I am so fucking scared all the time of something bad happening to me, of my dying of the most painful thing possible. Eye cancer, shit I cant bare it, fucking eye cancer, having my eye pulled out and interfered with, causing me more pain, it is all so awful. It is always the worst thing happening to me, I am always so scared, with any pain.
I live my life in fear of everything, everything is going to kill me, hurt me, tell me off, punish me. I am so sick of it all, all the fear put into me from my childhood making me have these awful feelings.
My eye had calmed down, now it is itching again like crazy, what the fuck!!! I am so irritated by it, so fucked off by it, so angry that I cant scratch it like mad because it just gets worse and bigger and bleeds and looks more fucking awful. Mum says stop scratching, I can hear her in my head telling me off, I will make it worse, just leave it alone but I can, I don't want to leave it alone, I want to make it worse, scratch it out of my fucking head if I want to. Its my fucking eye and I will scratch the fuck out of it if I want to. What are you so scared of mum, that I will look so gross that I will be an embarrassment to you when we go out. Yes, I look fucking gross, to gross to be seen out with, I am as ashamed of myself as you are mum. You hate me, I hate me, I really hate myself and I am as gross as my eye looks, it is the truth.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 24, 2020 2:03:30 GMT 10
My eyes are calming down. They look awful and my neighbour saw me and said I look ten years older because of my puffy awful itchy eyes. I felt a feeling of shock run through me when he said that, panic that I was looking soo ugly but I have since had to come to terms with looking like this. I have been feeling my way through how I look and how it makes me feel and I know it is how I see myself. I see myself as my eye looks, horrible, puffy, fat, gross, old, unattractive, hated, and all the other feelings I feel about myself because of my irritated eyes. I have felt so angry at looking so ugly, I really have felt the full extent of how much I hate myself and I could easily take all of this pain away by using the medicine Faye got for me as she worked in an Optician and said I have Blepharitis, but I haven't used it. I have wanted to let my feelings tell me more about my self hatred through how I feel about looking so gross with my awful eyes.
I felt like they would never heal and that I wouldn't be able to go out any more and face people because I looked so gross. It has all brought so much truth out as to how I feel about what others think of me and it is such a big deal. To be so rejected for looking ugly jut as I have rejected others imperfections as well as my own children's, trying to fix them constantly to be perfect and have pain free lives. Shit, I'm a fucking nightmare.
I cant do anything to take the awfulness away, I look terrible and that is all there is to it, it will have to stay for as long as I need the feelings my bad eyes are giving me. They have calmed down so much now though, as I accept them and looking like this, they are calming down, as I give in to the horror of seeing myself like this, they are calming down and I am looking better again. I have resided myself to this being me, a part of me and that I have hated it so much, wishing it would just fuck off and leave me alone, all of which is the irritation of my parents and how I felt about them when I was a child. Now I know I cant change myself, I cant do anything about my eyes but give in to them and accept them, which has been really hard to do.
Today I have even had feelings of compassion and love for my eyes and how awful they have been, I have felt sorry for myself and sorry for how I have treated my self and how much I have hated my eyes and the way they make me look but it has softened today and different feelings have crept into me, softer feelings like I have spoken about and it is nice and it doesn't feel so important to look good now. If this is me and if this is how I am to look for the rest of my life then 'This is ME'. There is nothing I can do to change the way I look. It feels so good to feel this acceptance of myself and it almost feels like it doesn't even matter any more what I look like and this is an amazing realisation for me as I have been concerned about my looks all my life, having to look good and slim and pretty so I am accepted by every one. Now I am the opposite to all of that and I can tell you it has been a grieving process for me, to lose who I once was, I loved looking like that but it was so hard to maintain and as my healing has gone on I have changed so much. I no longer wear make up or colour my hair, it just isn't important to me, I don't want to do it and I now realise I never did want to do it, it was such a chore to keep it up and not let the world see the real me, I hated the real me and it is so hard to even feel a tiny bit of like or acceptance for the real me, I despised myself without my façade of make up and hair and diets. Now I have put on weight, have no make up and no one would look twice at me. I have had to feel my way through accepting 'This is ME' this is the truth of me, this is who I am and I fucking hate it but it is the truth and I have had to hate every bit of what I am and what I see to heal all of the self hatred I feel for myself without my façade.
I am still in it, I am still in anger and rage for this true me that I am now living, I am so ashamed of myself and I have always been, never wanting anyone to see the truth of what I really am but now, I am it, I am living the truth of who I really am and it tears me apart constantly, breaks me down at who I see in the mirror with my two ugly, sore, infected eyes, I cant bare what I see so I understand why I have had to go through this eye problem in both my eyes. I don't like what I see and who I am although, as I said earlier, I am lately having the odd moment of acceptance and compassion for myself which is a real turn around and I have never felt that before about myself so things are slowly changing and as they are changing my eyes are healing but it has taken such a lot of hard feeling work. So much truth and acceptance of how much I hate myself and of how much my parents have hated me and the memory of mum always commenting if she caught me without make up saying I was letting myself down. Telling me that she couldn't accept the child she gave birth to being natural and wanting me to cover up the truth of how ugly she thought I was. What a fucking insult when your own mother tells you to go and put some make up on, she cant stand her own child being herself.
My eyes are still a bit itchy and the skin is flaky but they are healing without me having to use any medication, just using my feelings to heal myself and allowing myself to feel all of the rage and self hatred I feel towards myself, feeling the truth of how I see myself and coming to terms with the truth that maybe this is ME and I will never be that pretty, skinny girl again and that I now have to stop trying to fit into the girl I used to be, I have outgrown her now and she wasn't real. I have always kept my real self at bay, never wanting her to be seen but now she has caught up with me and I am her, hating every bit of being her, I hate myself! Shit saying that has made me want to cry, I actually feel sorry for myself being so horrible to myself, hating myself so much, rejecting myself so much but its all I can do because I wouldn't have been accepted in my family unless I was perfect.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 25, 2020 8:32:40 GMT 10
I now have itch rashes coming up on my hands, like prickly heat. I am so sick of this, one thing after the next. I am full of feelings of fear and wondering what is happening to me, whats next. Its all such a shock when these things just come up. Its never ending, always something horrible happening to me. I feel like a wreck with itchy eyes, itchy skin on my hands, its all to much but I cant do anything about it but let it take over.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 26, 2020 8:18:21 GMT 10
Faye, my daughter, is in pain again with another tooth ache and an abscess, she has had three last year and now another one and she is in pain with it and has to undergo another root canal. I feel like I cant take it because I have to be there with her because she has such a huge fear of needles and it takes about 10 minutes for her to let them near her. It is so stressful for me to watch her in so much fear and stress. I really felt the dread run through me when she told me she is in pain again.
I am the rotten root. it is my fault she is suffering so much because I am the rotten root in her teeth that she has to have removed, all of her pain is because of me. I am giving her all the pain and to know this and to watch her undergo such terror to remove me and the pain I have caused her, is killing me. I literally have to be present all the way through her ordeal and it is like the compensation for what I have done to her, to sit and go through it with her and see all of the pain and that I am the root of all of her problems.
It is killing me to see what I have done to her. My heart and soul sank when she came in and told me she has so much pain again and her gum is swelling with an abscess. I felt terrible, I cant be bothered to go through more of this with her but I have to, I have to have my nose rubbed in it. I have to be battered and broken down to see the truth of the pain I have caused in her. I feel sick inside to have to go through this again with her. I don't want to, I want it to go away, its to much to be bothered with and in writing that I have just realised that is exactly how I felt about my children when they were young. This tooth pain is bringing up in me all of the truth of the feelings I felt about my children but didn't dare express because it is being a bad mother. I was a bad mother, a terrible mother, it was a chore, I couldn't be bothered, I didn't want to do it, I was young and wanted my own life and this rejection of my children is the root cause of their pain now.
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