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Post by samantha9 on Oct 23, 2019 21:24:22 GMT 10
Today I am groggy and tired, very snappy at being left to do everything for everyone, it is to much. I feel like a mat that everyone wipes their feel on. As long as I do everything for everyone, they are happy but I feel like shit. More of how it was for me as a child, as long as I was doing the will of my parents I was in their favour and it just carries on and I am sick of it. I feel so tired and unappreciated, just here to do the will of everyone (My Parents). All my life can be is continuing doing their will in all that I do and everyone I meet, every situation is just a reflection of my relationship with them and I feel so stuck in my childhood, which of course I am, I cant get out of it until I have completed my healing. Everything I do I come back to "This is just how it was for me as a child and they are being my parents to me all over again". When will it change, when will it end this constant pain and then to top it all I have the pain of what I have done to my children and it is so fucking overwhelming seeing the consequences of that, to fucking much, who would ever want to do this yet it is so incredible to see the truth.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 24, 2019 5:30:22 GMT 10
My son called me telling me he was feeling very bad again, very low and very depressed and needed to talk about it. I so wish more than anything that I hadn't done this to them, that I hadn't caused them all of this anguish and pain, I so wish it was all different but this is the truth. I have harmed my children and now they are telling me all about the many ways I have damaged them both and it is so fucking hard to listen to. I can barely bare the pain they are going through, and I felt today that just recently they have been so free in expressing themselves to me and it feels weird because it is like something has opened up in them to do this. Like something is pushing them to do so and talk about their feelings to me, opening them up so I know what I have done, so I know the truth about what I have done to them. I know it sounds crazy but I felt like their Angels and mine have got to gether and opened up the feeling flood gates so I can see the truth because it just hasn't stopped.
All I can do is listen to my son, he says he needs to talk about how he is feeling and all I can do is stay receptive to him and my daughter and how they are feeling and there is so much pain, I feel so out of control with it all. I have done this!
I know I keep saying it, but this is all my fault and I don't even include their Fathers in this, I see it as all down to me and what I have done to them, its like their fathers don't even exist, its all my doing and now I am paying for it. My children don't even know any of this really, they just keep on expressing how bad they feel without knowing what I have done, well, they know a certain amount about my healing, sometimes they have asked me questions about what I am doing and why but they don't know how dreadful I am feeling about what I have done to them, that it is my fault, they don't really know all of the ins and outs of it and I can only explain so much about it because I know they are not ready to hear it all yet but I have told them enough so that when their time comes they can connect to what I have told them. Suddenly their expression of their feelings has become so open, they tell me they need to talk and we go and sit together and talk it all out, they cry and do what ever they need to do to express themselves and it has happened so naturally and I have been quite astonished by it of late.
I see al people as hurt, abandoned and scared children, I feel so sorry for every one. I have such a huge sadness inside me for everyone because I see that no matter what they do, how ever bad it is, they are just poor little damaged children like myself and my children. All that they do is in them by default, they have no choice when you go back into the pain of being a child and see that pain being plaid out in everyone's lives. We are all just doing to others what was done to us as children and it breaks my heart to see the awful things happening all because of how we were parented, how unlovingly we were parented. I see this through my children and what I have done to them and through my own healing.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 24, 2019 9:57:29 GMT 10
Although so much is going on with me and my children I have noticed that I am feeling a bit better about myself. I dont feel like I hate myself so much which is nice. I feel that it has lifted from me all that hatred I felt because I have put on weight, I just dont feel like it matters and I have a 'so what'feeling about it now. I dont feel ashamed like I used to, the whole self loathing feeling has gone and today I actually felt quite good about myself. I never thought I could accept myself like this but I feel I can. I really feel that this is me, this is the me I have been hiding all my life behind a skinny girl who denied herself everything she wanted just so she could be accepted and loved. No, this is me and I can really feel that today. I am now being the truth of my fucked up condition and I feel such a relief that I dont have to keep up all of that pretence any longer, it was so tough to be constantly dieting, starving myself, making myself ill with anaemia just to be loved and now I see how unloving it all has been. I am so happy that I am finally breaking through to some sort of acceptance.
I actually feel like I can go out into places where people might know me. I can stop hiding in shops when I see someone I know because I dont want them to see me like this. I have been so scared of what people might think of me looking like this with no make up, greys in my hair, a bit more weight, shitty clothes etc, it is so different from the Hairdreser I used to be, always looking good. I dont even feel like I need a mirror any more because I dont need to check myself or do my hair and make up. I am just me, it doesnt matter how I look how and that is such a fucking relief. When I am myself I dont need to add anything to myself. I have stopped trying to improve myself, make myself look prettier, it's all just not important anymore and I dont want to do it.
I am feeling jubilant inside about myself and I cant believe I am feeling this way. The more I write, the better I am feeling and I cant believe I felt so awful about myself and how disgusting I looked, I felt like dying inside with the self hate but now that has changed and it all seems so unimportant now. I can feel a real and true acceptance for the first time about myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2019 2:24:09 GMT 10
I have woke up today in terror. I am so scared about what is going to become of me. I am so scared. I cant see any future for me only pain and more pain. I am still being rejected for every job I apply for, whereas once upon a time I got every job. I will have to do something soon as I am nearly out of money and I don't know what to do. I am fucking terrified and all I see for myself is the worst things, being chucked out of my home, on the streets, in the cold with no food, that is all I see for myself. I know I keep saying this but it is how I am feeling again, really scared and frightened and so alone with it all. I always have been so alone with my fears, no one wanting to hear them so I have to deal with them all myself, get myself out of trouble because no one wants to hear me. I have no one!! Not even Mother and Father. I beg to them to help me, to help me know the truth of why I have to suffer like this and all they say, well, it is only Mother who speaks to me, that being another truth of my childhood, she says "Go to your feelings Sam, they are telling you the truth of why you need these horrible experiences, how are they making you feel?" every time this is all I get, nothing else, it is all so limited. I cry to my Angels and Spirit helpers to help me because I am so scared about what is to become of me and I feel I get nothing from them, like they have all been silenced and I see them all with white cloth tied around their mouths so they don't speak, this is how they are showing themselves to me and it is so fucking cruel to be so cut off and so alone with no help and even in saying that, I have just heard "this is how it was for you Sam, this is the truth of your childhood, you weren't allowed to speak of how you were feeling and your parents didn't speak of feelings to you, they didn't want to know and wanted you to stay silent about how bad you were feeling. We are showing you the truth, this is how it was for you and we cant be any different until you have felt the truth of how your childhood was, we are helping you in showing you these visions of how it was".
Yes, I get it, I really do and I know this is how it was, I feel like a child in all of my pain so I know it is from my childhood but I am an adult now and feeling just the same. I am so fucking scared and I want my mummy and daddy to make it all go away so I am safe again. I want them to save me from this pain, stop me suffering. I want to be rescued because I don't feel I can get myself out of this mess I am in, I believe only they can fix it, I don't have the power, they do. What do I do??
I am so alone in this, I tried talking to Trevor but he doesn't want to hear me also, which is obvious, he has to be the same as my parents were to me, and he is. He says everything to deny how bad I am feeling, he doesn't want to know, he doesn't know what to do with me just like my parents didn't, he is them.
I don't want to leave this house, I love it here, I am safe here, this is my home and my comfort and safety. I do my healing here, it is where my children were born and my daughter still lives here. What will she do, where will she go, she isn't ready to leave home yet and it scares me to think that she might have to be separated from me. It is all terrifying, I am fucking terrified and traumatised by what is happening to me and I live in doom because after Christmas that is it for me and I have no idea what I will do. It is like I have a bad thing hanging over my head all the time coming to get me, that is how it feels, a monster coming to get me and waiting for me.
I feel like I have reached the end, I cant see anything after Christmas, it is like it all ends there. What will I do? I want someone to tell me!! I want to know I will be ok, safe, but no one knows, how can they. I am out of control when I don't know and that scares me so much, so out of control because I cant see the future for myself and it scares me, I cant just be ok with it, I don't feel like that at all. I feel terrified that I don't know what the future brings for me. I want to know how much pain I am going to be in so I can do something about it but there is no way to know this, it is all so impossible to know the future and I feel like I need to know so I can control it, all so I don't have to feel pain. I want full control so I feel good. I have to be in control because of this reason, so I don't have to feel bad or terrified or scared, that is why I need control. Not knowing is the most out of control I can feel, I don't know that I will be ok and that terrifies me, I don't know that I will lose everything and that terrifies me and its all loss and lack which fucking terrifies me. I don't feel in control of my future at all, I don't feel in control of what is going to happen to me and I have to let the bad stuff hurt me because I am not in control and this is how it was at home with my parents, I never knew, I was never in control, it was all up to them and I had to go along with it, like it or not. This is how it is for me right now, I have no control over my future, my parents do. My will is being controlled just as it was as a child, I had to follow the will of my parents never knowing what that might mean for me. Its all so scary being so out of control over what happens to you.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2019 2:37:42 GMT 10
"Mother, Please help me see deeper into the truth of how I am feeling, I am so fucking scared, so fucking alone with my feelings. Please Mother help me know the truth. I feel so desperate for change. I am suffering so much inside of me and I don't see any way out. I have no help only a few words from you. I am so scared that I cant know what is going to happen to me. I need you so much Mother."
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2019 8:14:31 GMT 10
My fear of not having any money makes me do stupid things, it makes me panic and go into a mode of 'I have to fix this'. It makes me apply for jobs I hate, I don't want to work at these places yet I am applying just because |I need the money to pay my rent and bills. I have gone into this mode of panic and constantly thinking what can I do to earn money and I remember it being the same when I was young with mum and dad, they were always short of money and in Africa I remember them selling every thing in the house, all the furniture had gone and we had to sit on the floor in a room with nothing in it so they could have some money. I am just like them, going through the same fucking shit and I am so sick of it. I am so sick of being them but I cant do anything about it, I got it all from them. Now I am reliving all that fucking pain and fear. This is how it was for me as a child, I am fucking living it.
Having no money just like mum and dad, worrying and panicking just like mum and dad did wondering what they could do about it, how were they going to survive. It is all the same, I now have their worries and have followed in their foot steps, it is in me, it always has been and now it has to come out. All that fear I felt and took on from them, I am now living it for it to be known to me, how it was, the truth of how it was for me.
This is how it was for me!! Fucking terrifying!! Fucking scary!! Always trying to find ways to fix it for them!! Trying to find ways to make them feel better so I didn't have to be scared any more!! Trying to be good and not to be a pain to them so I didn't add to their problems!!
I feel like it was all my fault and it was up to me to fix it for them. I had to be creative and think of ways to make money for them and now I do that for myself, being creative is just a means of making money for me. I had to learn to be clever and creative to survive like mum was, she would make cloths and sell them, paint and sell her pictures, make cakes to sell anything she could make she would and I am just the same. I only make things to sell or I cant see the point in making them, it is all for money.
I feel like I am constantly trying to save my life, I am going to die if I don't have any money to help me survive. No money, no life that is how I feel right now. I will have nothing just like my parents, I will be fucking skint and suffering just like them and go through all the pain they went through because it is in me!! Fuck them, Fucking fuck them, they have completely Fucked me in life!!
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2019 8:20:23 GMT 10
This is all how it was for me as a child, this is the truth of my childhood, this is how it fucking was, this is how scared I was all the time. This is what I saw and watched going on with my parents when I was tiny, this was my childhood experience and it has stayed with me all the way through my life and now it is time for me to know it, to know the truth of how it made me feel so I have to live it to know that truth. Its so fucking amazing how it all works, fucking scary but incredible the way it all goes. I am now seeing the truth of my childhood by living it!!
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2019 10:06:51 GMT 10
I am still feeling shit scared about my future. I know I keep going on and on about it but I still feel so bad. I am so scared and what keeps going through my mind is the thought of what will happen to me. I have no one to save me and I feel absolutely fucked up. I want to know what will happen to me, I want to know I will be ok but I cant know. There is no way of knowing and I feel so afraid. Will the money just run out and that will be it for me, no home and on the streets, cold, alone, hungry and scared because that is all I see for myself. I feel totally unable to get a job, I cant go on social because there is nothing wrong with me and I am fit for work so do I just let the money run out and see where I go from there but I cant do that, I am to scared to trust that I will be ok. I have to do something to make it ok just like mum and dad used to. Fuck I am so scared and feel so vulnerable.
For me to feel safe, I have to know what is going to happen to me. I have to be in control and I am not. I am very out of control not knowing what the fuck is going to happen. I am so scared, I cant tell you how scared I am.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2019 19:02:53 GMT 10
I woke up in the night with incredible pain in my neck on the right hand side at the back. It hurts like crazy now and I cant turn my head properly. More fucking pain on top of pain, I am so sick of it but this was how it was for me as a child with my parents, pain on top of pain as I saw them suffer and worry constantly about money. I also woke up feeling sick and a bit dizzy so it is full on at the moment. I seem to have a tiny time of respite then it kicks in again and right now it is full on. I feel really acidy inside and in my throat like I want to be sick, yuk, its horrible. I just wonder whats next to hit me!! always wondering whats next, worrying about the future, the next moment, what pain will it bring for me. Life is and has been one big pain and constant worry about the future, how much worse can it get! I just see to fall from pain to pain and if it isn't mine it is my children's pain, it never ends and it never did. I feel like I want to throw up, throw up all the acidy pain in me, get rid of it but it wont come out, it stays in me causing me to feel worse. rising in my throat and burning but then going down again like a tease just to make me more uncomfortable. It reminds me of what mum used to say about how she felt all the time "Sick with worry" I remember her saying it a lot and now it is how I feel, just like her. Just like how it was for me as a child being around them.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2019 20:04:45 GMT 10
Yes I am going on again, I have to, I haven't had enough of it yet, there is still more to spew out of me and I feel like spewing it all up I feel so sick today. I have no one to express it all to so I do it on here and bore the arse off everyone. I am so full of fear, fear about everything in my life. I am only just becoming aware of how much in my life I am scared of but I have denied it all and just made the fear normal, but its not normal. I am scared of everything and everything could have a bad outcome for me just like it did for my parents. So many things they did ended up in bad ways and it was scary and I have had that fear in me all my life after seeing how their lives went. They were so fucking reckless and dragged us along for the ride.
Inside of me I am feeling so ill, sick, acidy and my skin has been itching over the last week with these tiny spots that itch like crazy and I have gone straight into "Oh my god what is wrong with me, I have some awful skin disease that will cover my entire body and I will look and feel like a monster with flaking skin and bleeding sores" you see, that is what I do, I go straight to the worst scenario possible, all the time. Always the worst thing is going to happen to me so I have to be prepared for it, control it so it doesn't happen to me and that is the thing with this money running out, I don't feel I can control it because everything I try to do, doesn't work. All I can see for me Is a future of poorness, aloneness, homelessness for myself. I am totally out of control with it all and that scares the fuck out of me, it sickens me, I am so worried about my future and what will happen to me. On a day like today, and it is pouring with rain and howling with wind, all I can see is myself out in it wrapped in cardboard, under the bridge in town all alone and homeless and I have even thought about walking around town to find myself a good spot, preparing for that day, I know! What the fuck am I about! but it all goes on in my mind to prepare for the worst because I can feel it coming.
I am so scared and frightened.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 3, 2019 2:13:07 GMT 10
Different feelings come up in me constantly, whatever I am doing comes with a feeling for me to feel. I was just sitting at my window looking out at the rain and wind, I was eating a chocolate bar and feeling so compelled to just eat it and let the feelings come. At that moment I utterly hated myself for being such a no good fuck wit. I cant stop myself eating this shit, it just happens automatically whereas once I would never let myself eat it in fear of putting on weight and I would never let myself do that. Now I follow my feelings and if I want to eat that shit, I eat it and watch the weight go on all so I can hate myself even more, and I fucking do. Right at that moment of sitting there eating that chocolate I felt the deepest hate for myself and such a deep grief that I am no longer the skinny girl I once was. I am not huge but I have put weight on and I fucking hate it. I want to fucking scream about how much I hate myself, how grossed out I am about myself, how ashamed I am to have anyone I know see me. I just want to die I hate myself so much. this is how I am when I stop denying myself what I want and I hate it but I cant do anything about it because dieting is just more mind control and I am healing myself through my feelings and my feelings say "Fucking eat, have what you want" and as I do that all of the truth of my self hate comes up for me to feel. I am a useless fucking shit who cant control herself, I am out of control and that control is my mind telling me what I can and cant do, it is my parents.
If I continued as I was, dieting to keep my figure nice so I would be liked, I would never have the opportunity to feel or know this truth about how I feel about myself, I didn't realise I hated myself so much and in fact I fucking despise myself as I am when I go with my feelings and all of those feeling are all so erroneous any way. All of my addictions. Eating to make me feel good, to give me excitement, to comfort me, using everything outside of myself to make me feel good. I don't have those feelings in me naturally, they were not instilled into me as a child so I have learnt to create them from my addictions to make me feel good. I feel so fucking hopeless. I hate myself so much, I cant bare myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 3, 2019 5:46:13 GMT 10
I want everything so I don't feel unwanted and left out. If I have it all then I feel a part of something, included, wanted and loved. So I am greedy because I want to feel included all the time and food makes me feel included and a part of something good and fun and nice and enjoyable.
Trevor is sitting here with a bag of chips from the chippy and they smell so fucking good but I don't have any and I feel really angry at being so left out, I am not a part of his enjoyment. I am watching him enjoy them and I have nothing and I want them too. I feel like a child as I watch him eat them, as I smell how fucking good they smell but I have none. I have such a longing in me to have some so I can feel good to but I am sitting here feeling depraved with nothing that is nice and yummy. I feel so left out, so dismissed and so fucking angry that I have been left out of the good experience. I feel like an outsider watching everyone else have a good time, all I can do is look on and wish I could have some, shit they smell amazing, chip shop chips are the best. I feel so empty, so left out that I am not a part of it, I want to be included and feel how it feels to be so loved that someone wants me to be included in their good experience. I want them to feel it is all the better with me in it, sharing it with me and wanting me to feel how good it is. To be included in their lives would be so good, so loving, to be a part of their lives. Now all I am writing about is flowing into my childhood with my parents, it is coming away from the chips experience and the feelings are melding into how it was for me as a child. The chips have made me feel all the feelings I felt as a child and they are still inside of me, the chips have helped me to feel how it felt to be not included in my parents lives, when I so wanted to be. I needed the chips to take me there and it is amazing how it works like that.
All of my longing feelings coming up in me for these yummy chips are the very same ones that have been in my from my childhood as I longed for the love from my parents, to be included, to share their life, to be included in their good feelings with them wanting me to be a part of it all instead of being so left out of all of the good stuff. I feel like I had to almost beg for the dregs of anything good that happened like a starved little child holding her hands out for nourishment but the nourishment I needed wasn't food, it was communication and love. I wasn't a part of any of it just as I am not a part of Trevor's good experience with the yummy chips. Being left out has made me greedy, I have to grab it all when I can or it might be gone and I would have missed out and had nothing.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 5, 2019 20:23:28 GMT 10
Today I am feeling so much pain in my body and I woke up with a headache, I knew it was going to be a bad day! I have found myself more accepting of it all today as I cant do a thing about it anyway. I feel like I have crumbled underneath all the pain and just given in, "Just do what you like to me, I give up". What does my pain have to tell me about myself? It is letting me know how much pain I have always been in yet I have denied it all. Now I am healing my childhood repressed and denied feelings, they are all coming up and I have hated them, met them kicking and screaming and fighting against them, hating them and wishing they would leave me alone and go away which is all how I felt about the pain inflicted on me by my parents. Now, today, I am fucked by the pain, I cant fight it any more and I have just crumbled under it all and now it feels more like a helping friend. Telling me what I need to know about myself, it wants to help, it isn't a foe in my life but a friend.
I have fought my pain all the way, hating how it makes me feel but it is only my parents I am fighting, they being the creators of my pain. My pain is them interfering in my life, them impressing on me how \I should be, how they want me to be, that I am not good enough or even capable to know myself without them. I feel like I have only lived for them, their product and there is nothing of me expressing itself, its all them expressing themselves through me.
Today I feel like I have stopped the fight and let them win, I cant beat them just as I cant beat my pain as it is them, it is to big, to strong and to powerful and I am to scared of it/them. Fighting it/them is futile, I cant win so today I feel I want to give in and crumble under them.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 6, 2019 9:43:18 GMT 10
I am so scared of everything. I have denied this fear and pretended not to be but when I stop pretending the truth is that I am so scared of life. I am scared of making even one little movement in case it harms me. Fucking crazy but it's TRUE. If I stay perfectly still, not even a tiny movement, I will be ok, so that is what I am doing, staying safe and not moving because it hurts me to much.
My life is getting so mad. As more truth comes to light, I am doing less and less and just wanting to be left alone in my unmoving state of safety. I dont like going out or doing anything any more, I just want to be left alone. I never feel safe, even in my own body I dont feel safe, it will find a way to hurt me or make me terrified. My healing only needs me, my body will create all the feelings I need to help me heal, all the terror can be produced by my body so I dont need anything outside of myself to heal, just me and my feelings. I am so scared of my feelings and what terror they will make me feel next, I can't run away from my self, I can't get away from my own bad feelings they are always with me ready to get to work and I am scared of them.
I am always scared of what is going to happen to me, scared of the future, scared of things that haven't happened yet and might not happen yet they hang over me like a threatening monster. I cant control the future and that scares me, it an do anything to me, ause so much pain if I cant control it. That is the same with my parents, I had no control over them either, I lost all control with them and that was scary. If I can control everything then I can guarentee that I wont get hurt as I am in control but when someone else is in control of you, you are vulnerable and that is scary to a child. I cant trust anyone because of this, I dont trust that I wont get hurt. I dont believe that I will be ok, I have no faith because I couldn't trust parents.
Now I cant trust anything, not even God, I dont trust that I will be ok. I dont trust anyone. I wish I could trust God but the truth is that I can't. I feel very sad and scared and alone in this world and that it is only me that I can rely on because that is how it has always been for me, I had to do it myself so I could only trust myself.
I am scared that I only have myself, it doesn't feel like it is enough, it shouldn't be this way and it feels wrong but it is how it has to be for me because this is how it was for me as a child. I feel abandoned by everyone, including God. Just left to get on with it myself and it's so lonely not having a friend to share it all with. I have become so self reliant because I couldn't trust anyone and that is do hard to change. All I can do is keep being it and expressing how it feels and it feels very lonely and very scary. To do it all on your own is very scary and I wish I had more faith.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 7, 2019 4:55:32 GMT 10
What The FUCKKKK!! A two day fucking headache and its killing me! I have had enough of it all, the pain is relentless and I am so pissed off with it all. Pulsating pain, throbbing pain, I cant bend down because it feels like my head will explode with the pressure.
What feelings am I getting from my headache? Like this will never end, I will always have the pain. I wont be able to control it. I am out of control. The pain will get so bad I will be writhing in agony and wish I could die begging for someone to kill me to get me out of the pain. I am so scared that all pain will be like this, so intense that I cant stop it. I am so scared of pain being so overwhelming that I want to die. I wont be abele to bare the pain, that is how I am feeling, that I am so scared of what the pain will do to me, how bad it will get.
"I am scared of you Pain! I want you to go away and leave me alone. Please don't hurt me and more. please let go of me. I am so scared of you. You have full control of me. I am not strong enough to fight you, you are so strong and I am to scared of you to fight you. Please leave me alone and stop the pain you cause me. I am so fucking scared of what you will do to me, how bad the pain will get. You wont leave me alone, I am under your control and what this pain will allow me to do. I hate the way you put so much pressure on me, I hate the way you keep me in fear, so locked into fear and how bad the pain will get for me."
This was just like talking to my Dad and telling him how scared I was of him as a child and the way I did all he said in fear of angering him.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 7, 2019 7:53:48 GMT 10
Its gone, the two day headache has now gone after all of that expressing of how the pain was making me feel it has now gone. I got to the point with my expressing, that I had no more in me, I had said it all out of me. I have been expressing constantly, even on the loo, walking up and down the stairs, in the kitchen just constantly expressing all of the fear I have been feeling from this headache and it has now gone. I forgot about it and then I just remembered I am no longer in pain and that is a great feeling, I feel like celebrating I really do. To be out of that throbbing pain is such a relief and I feel really drained but happy I am now free from pain for a little while.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 9, 2019 20:22:51 GMT 10
Just had an expressing session with my Son, he insists I tell him all about how I am feeling, just the same way I listen to him. I told him about my anxiety attack I had yesterday and it scared me. My face was bright red and my cheeks were burning and today they feel sore from the heat. Fuck I am so pissed off with it all. He really and truly wants to know about how I am feeling and to have someone who wants to listen is unknown to me and I must admit I don't find it easy to express myself to someone else, I am always the listener and always have been, I was that person for my Mum so I am that person for everyone, the listener. That brings back a memory, once I looked up what my name meant and once I got passed the 'Witch' meaning it said 'Listener' and it wasn't wrong.
I am not here for me, I am here for everyone else, I don't even feel like I exist to myself but everyone else sees me, I don't see me, I don't feel aware of myself, its like I am just floating around but not really here. I suppose, even with my son, it is hard to talk about my feelings to someone who isn't on this journey and can help me go deeper and knows what to say. But he is a good listener and didn't interrupt at all so I went on expressing to him how bad I was feeling and he understands because he gets the same anxiety so he could sympathise.
Today I feel ok though so I will go with that feeling until ore horrible shit comes.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 20, 2019 10:58:17 GMT 10
I have felt very different today, lighter in myself. Things have been going wrong for the last couple of days but I have such a 'dont care' feeling towards it all and that is not like me. I haven't felt flustered by the events of the past few days but really calm, like it just doesn't matter, I cant do anything about it and that feeling I usually get, about the worst thing is going to happen to me, it hasn't been there. It is usually waiting for me like a huge monster but I haven't had that huge catastrophic feeling waiting at the end of all the events that have been going on. I have been so calm, so I like me and I am wondering where it has gone.
I am always waiting for the worst thing to happen to me and now I dont care if it does and with this dont care attitude it feels like all of those monsters waiting for me have just disintegrated into thin air.
I have been feeling like "oh just do what you want to me, I dont care", it's like I have given up and surrendered to what ever happens, I can't beat it. If it all goes wrong, so what, it is all wrong any way, it is all evil and bad any way.
I am even starting to feel like if I get chucked out of my house, so what. That feeling has crept in which is a surprise to me after all of my fear and dread. I cant do any thing about anything, it is all bad and fuckd up.
I feel like my control is breaking down, everything is to big for me and to overwhelming so I might as well be overwhelmed and just give in to it. I dont fucking care any more its all going to crush me anyway.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 20, 2019 18:52:18 GMT 10
As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, more chaos as the electrician is banging on the door to rewire al of my fire alarms because they keep beeping, fuck its annoying when that beeping wont stop but the chaos doesn't affect me as it once would. Forgetting he was coming and not waking up would have put me in a right tissy but I just let him in and let him get on with it without all of those dreaded feelings about the way I look and that I had forgot and feeling so out of control. I am out of control and it feels nice to just give in to that. I am a mess and its alright to be a mess and out of control and forgetful, I feel such a release and relief in being like this instead of always being on the ball with things, there is no ball for me any more, I have kicked it way out of the park.
I feel good about my uselessness, I cant beat it, it is who I am, I am useless, I forget everything, I cant keep up with it all. This guy has come to do his job and the house is a mess because I forgot he was coming so he has seen me how I truly am, a right fucking mess. He has caught me out, he has caught me off guard and sitting in the truth of me shit, I am like this! this is me! I am messy and it is a part of me I would tidy up so no one saw the truth of me. He has seen me and I couldn't control his thoughts about me and that once would have sent me crazy, what is he thinking about me, my house?? but today I don't care because this is the truth of me and I am a mess and my house is a reflection of me, a bit of a mess. I'm a mess, I'm a mess, I'm a mess and I can feel a really good and happy feeling creeping in about that truth. I feel so excited inside and it is growing, a light, a great feeling inside me that I no longer have to hide the truth about me being a mess, my house being a mess. I didn't go around tidying up because I forgot he was coming, I wasn't dressed or even awake when he called so he saw the truth of me in all my YUK! and there wasn't a thing I could do about it as he caught me out so I had to give in yet again, I couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't change it, just surrender to the fact I have been SEEN at last by the Electrician, this man doesn't even know what he has done to me. He has been the one who I feel has really seen the truth me in all of my evilness, just as I am in my shitty mess and I couldn't control any of it by being prepared for his visit because I forgot so this man, I feel, is the only person who has seen the truth me in all of my untruth. Everything was a mess and that once would have mortified me but I feel free in it today, like I want every one to see me like this, the truth, I don't want to hide it any more by doing all the things I once would have done, like tidying up before he came, being dressed and prepared for his visit. I was the total opposite and there was nothing I could do about it but be the truth of my mess.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 20, 2019 20:45:50 GMT 10
Who would believe that feelings can change so quickly. Now I find myself crying, plunged down into the realisation of how alone I have always been, how scared that I feel so alone that if anything were to happen to me there is no one there for me, to help me. When I feel so alone it is scary, it is all up to me to help myself because no one else cares and this is how it was for me as a child and I am writing this in tears as the truth hits me deeper, on a different level. I feel sick inside, my heart feels heavy, my breath is gasping and I feel awful, fucking awful, sick, physically sick with the truth of the emptiness and loneliness because there has never been any one there for me so I have faked it all along that I am ok, I have to be ok, no one is to see me not being ok, that is weakness, I must be strong and hard. I am not that! I am weak and crumbling and even when I have had someone with me I am still alone, very alone and that was how it was with my parents, they were there with me but I always felt alone just as I do now and always have.
I am feeling so empty right now, so alone, so nothing. I feel like someone has taken out my heart and left me with nothing, my heart has gone, my core has gone and been thrown away because it is of no use to anyone, especially not to me. I don't know who I am, the core of me has been thrown away and I can find myself now, its like I have been looking for this part of me, where did they throw it? I must find it so I can put it back and feel whole again, so I can know who I am. I cant find it, I don't feel I ever will. I don't know who I am because that part of me was taken and disposed of now I am trying to find it and I cant. I am so lost to myself.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 23, 2019 4:22:11 GMT 10
More bad shit happening to me now, what the fucking fuck!!
For a few weeks now I have found myself waking up not being able to breath and it is scary. It is like my tongue has blocked my air way and for that second upon waking, I forget how to breath. I am so sick and tired of this terrifying shit happening to me. It is like I keep dying in my sleep. It is making me scared to go to sleep in case something really bad happens to me, like I die!!
While writing this I know it is all from my childhood and it is something I have to revisit. I was so scared about going to bed as a child, I wouldn't go on my own in case something bad happened to me in the dark, being alone until my sister came to bed which was always an hour later because she was older than me.
I thing its called sleep Apnoea but to me, its just another bad thing I have to go through and feel, I don't care what its called it is another bad feeling that is in me and making itself know for me to feel about and heal. There has been so much that I just want to give up, I cant do anything about it, it all has to come up and out for me to accept, express and find the truth of but it is so tiring. I am like "WHAT NOW"!!! what the fuck is next and it is all so really bad and so scary, I cant believe how scary my childhood was for me but it must have been as I have been so ill all my life with terrible things like Lupus, Anaemia, constant illness and flu and there has been so much of it that it tells me the enormity of how much I have denied. It is all coming out now and I am so scared, just when things calm down and I feel ok, I get something new and terrible happen to me and now I am stopping breathing in my sleep. As a child I felt like I would die in my sleep and that was why I was scared of going to bed alone because alone, I don't exist, it is like I am dead. I wake myself up not breathing and then remember how to breath, its awful shit and it has only been happening for about two weeks.
I am so fucked off I cant even be bothered to write about it any more!
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 23, 2019 7:47:50 GMT 10
Childhood feelings coming up about my sleep apnoea. I am scared to go to bed, I am going to die. Something terrible is going to happen to me and I will die. All of the feelings that i am feeling are from my childhood, I can feel that for sure, I feel like a child when I feel them. I don't want to go to bed, I don't want to go to sleep incase I die. I wont see my mum again, i don't want to leave my mum. I will be lost without her, I cant do without her and if I die I will be alone, all on my own, I wont be able to get to her, i will lose her for ever. The separation, losing her, I will be terrified without her, losing her because I have died, shit the feelings of separation are so deep in me, the fear of not being able to be with mum any more and being so alone and lost.
I am feeling scared to go to bed tonight after last nights gasping for breath, feeling like I was dying and that is just how I felt as a child, scared to go to bed, never wanting to go alone without my sister but I was made to by mum and dad. Dad would turn of the light and I would ask him to leave the door open with the landing light on so I wouldn't be scared because the dark was to scary, to alone, I couldn't see anything that might come to get me and try to kill me.
I will leave it there for now and see what else comes up.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 23, 2019 19:24:31 GMT 10
This is so distressing, I woke up this morning hearing someone choking, it shocked me as I thought it was my daughter being sick but she was at her boyfriends. It was me waking myself up choking in my sleep. What the fuck! it is a complete shock to me what is happening when I am asleep. It is like I am killing myself by choking and not breathing in my sleep. What the fuck is going on. I am in shock! I was looking out side the front of my house, out the window after I was woken up by this person choking, I thought maybe it was someone outside but there was no one there, surely it couldn't be me, but it was, I am so shocked by this.
I am totally out of control with this, it is happening while I am asleep and it is fucking weird. I am confused by how I feel about it because I cant believe it is happening to me.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 29, 2019 5:20:46 GMT 10
I am so bored, I am eating for some sort of excitement because I am so bored and it is exactly how I felt as a child and in my teenage years, I remember it so vividly, its the same feeling, I couldn't wait to grow up so I could do what I wanted and have some fun without being controlled and told what I can and cant do and now I am feeling all of that boredom all over again. I want some sort of excitement, something to happen to give me a good feeling but nothing does, only bad feelings. This is why I am eating right now, so I can have something to look forward to and it was like this for me as a child, I only had food to enjoy and be excited about, nice yummy cakes or chocolate that stop the boredom. I want something to do, something to look forward to, I am so fucking fed up. Nothing changes it is just the same boredom day in day out, when will anything change!!! There is nothing to look forward to, only breakfast, lunch or dinner and the shit I am eating in between, its all I have. I have no good feelings in me, there is nothing good inside of me to make me feel good naturally, I have to look outside of me for good feelings. Inside me there is NOTHING GOOD!! there is NOTHING!! all I feel is emptiness which I fill with food. I am just a empty void inside, just nothingness and what do I do with that? ? What will change my nothing into something, where are the fucking loving feelings going to come from because I long and long to God and I get nothing, it is all just more of the same, NOTHING!! I get nothing. I cant see it ever changing for me. I have such a longing for the nothingness to change, for a spark of something to touch my nothingness and change a tiny bit of it but nothing is changing in me I am just becoming more of the Nothing I feel, I am being it, being the feeling, living it.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 29, 2019 5:27:55 GMT 10
Those silly little unhappy faces that appear on my posts, I don't put them there, I hate them, they make my posts look silly and unimportant. feel like they minimalize everything that I write just like my parents minimalize every feeling I felt with a silly downturned mouth. Like my feelings were silly so the did a silly face. I will leave them there because they make me feel.
I feel like there is no future for me with this Nothingness I am feeling and being. What can come after nothingness!! there is nothing else for me, that is how it feels. So final, so boring, so finite. Living in this void, there is no growth, no future, nothing next, no good stuff to look forward to. I don't see a future when I feel so nothing. I don't see any point in anything at all.
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