|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 15, 2019 19:04:22 GMT 10
I am feeling so stressed and I didn't realise I was. I have been biting the inside of my mouth, feeling drained and tired and generally unwell and lack of energy and it all became very familiar today. This is how I felt most of the time when I was at home with my parents.
I have been worrying about my two children, feeling so unable to help them and feeling like I want to fix it all for them but not being able to, feeling useless and of no help to them at all. I felt like this with my parents, I could only listen to them moaning about their hardship and pain and worries and so wanted to be the one to get them out of it all and make their lives better and less stressful but I couldn't, I felt so helpless and useless to them but such a huge part of their problem. I now feel like this with my children, it is exactly the same thing I am going through with them and it has to be this way so I can feel the truth of how it was for me with my parents.
All of this realisation came to me today as I was talking to Mother and Father in my car, on the way to the post office. After longing to them for the truth, it came to me, I have to feel this way with my children because I have to feel the way it was for me as a child with mum and dad. All of the stress I wasn't aware that I was under with them, and I am feeling the same stress now. It is all so amazing that when you ask Mother and Father, they answer.
I am feeling shattered and so worn out, tired to the extreme that I cant do anything but sleep and I feel guilty for sleeping because mum would have called me lazy and it is still in me, her making me feel bad for feeling bad. Fuck, it is all so fucked up, I feel so fucked up and unable to do anything. I feel stressed out and it makes me feel light headed and yawn a lot, all weird feelings but It is the truth of how it was for me with my parents and I know this is a truth, it all feels the same as it did for me.
I wanted to be the one to fix it all and stop the pain and I have been the same with my children because I had to be like it with my parents. It is all just re-running my childhood and my children are bringing the events and situations I need to feel how bad I felt back then. Mother and Father orchestrating it all so I trust that I need to feel this awful right now, it is what they want me to know about how it was for me as a child. But shit, I feel fucking ill and so weak and so awful right now.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 18, 2019 8:12:47 GMT 10
I hold myself so tightly, so tense, so rigid. I am constantly like this, all my muscles are always up tight, clenched as if ready to fight, run. I hate it, I hate it that it has become a natural way of being for me, to be constantly clentched up. I cant relax and when I believe I am relaxing I am still clentched up.
I have been quite dizzy today, menopausal symptom but I have always suffered with dizziness. Tonight while sitting on my couch suddenly a wave of dizziness washed over me, sometimes when this happens I give out a little help, like someone has walked through me, that is how it feels. The Yelp is fear, sheer fear and it happened tonight. It comes instantly and after that happened my whole body has been clentched up, ready for it to happen again, I am on guard, ready for it but I hate it. I want to relax and unclench myself but I cant, I have to be ready for the next attack and I am so fucked up about it.
I notice myself holding myself, my arms wrapped around myself, or holding my face, crushing myself so I cant feel the horrible feelings, the ckentching up is the same, I do it so I cant feel the horrible feelings i get, the sensations, the dizziness, if i keep myself taught and clentched i will be ok, nothing will get me. I am even like it now as i write this, scared for the next wave of bad feelings, when is it going to come? I am just waiting for it to wipe me out, take me over, kill me. I feel so scared.
I can feel myself up right and waiting, i cant let my guard down or it will get me so i stay ready and i hate having this fear in me. I want to give in to it, let it have me and just say to it, "I am open to you, I am clentched, relaxed and willing to accept you and all you want to do to me. I am not going yo resist you any more, I am opening my soul to you, opening my heart to you so you can do as you will yo me, hurt me in any way you need to, I wot stop you or interfere". This is how I wish I could be with the fear but I cant, I am fighting it still because I am so scared of how it makes me feel, I cant give in to it in fear of what it will do to me. I cant unclench and just be taken by my bad feelings.
I am so scared of some of the physical feelings I get. So scared I feel like passing out at times, losing consciousness and I an terrified of those feelings.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 18, 2019 8:32:35 GMT 10
If I unclench my muscles I will be vulnerable, open to attack. If I unclench I will be carried away by my bad feelings and never return. I am feeling so scared right now. Some of my bad feelings I can take on and feel them to my core but some I am still resisting and they are constantly coming to get me until I accept them and give in to them. I am feeling so scared right now because even as I write this wave after wave of dizziness sweeps through my brain and I am so fucking scared of the sensation. I want to run from it but I have no where to go, it is always with me, in me. I wat to run from myself but I cant get rid of myself.
The dizziness is like I am suddenly dropping from a great height, that is how it feels, terrifying. I have just had a vision. I see my dad throwing me up in the air and catching me, he thinks I like it but I hate it, I am petrified. I am a baby and he is playing with me throwing me up in the air like parents do. I can see the terror and shock on my face as he throws me up. It's like I am just falling, I am totally out of control, I have to let him do what he wants with me. Cant he see how scared I am. I feel like a rag doll being thrown about. Did this happen to me? I dont know but I am seeing it now like it is real and it feels the same as the falling sensations I am getting with my dizziness.
I was out of control as a child, mum and dad could do what ever they wanted with me, they had full control. This is how I feel now, like my bad feelings have full control of me, I have to give in to them as I had to give in to my parents.
With the dizziness I am out of control and this is how it was for me a child and that was so scary and I was so powerless. It's just how I feel now.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 18, 2019 21:43:45 GMT 10
This healing is so fucking hard but its all I want to do. I know it Is good for me, I can feel it. I am so scared of my feelings all of the time, I am so scared of feeling bad, the physical symptoms are so horrendous but they are in me and always have been. My vision is so bad now as well and I notice it is getting worse all the time, especially when I am stressed, I can hardly see, not wanting to see the truth. Everything is getting worse, I am so scared of it all. I am so scared all the time but I have spent a lifetime pretending not to be, hiding it so no one see's my weakness it was embarrassing to be so weak. I am so scared of what I am going to feel next, my feelings terrify me, what is going to happen to me next??
I cant escape from myself and my bad feelings. I have always tried to run away from my feelings, they have been like monsters to me, chasing me every where I go, I cant escape from them. To now stand still and let them engulf me is so overwhelming, so fucking scary to be washed away by them, crushed by them, beaten by them and they can do what ever they want to me, they have total control over me just like my parents. I am always going to be the lowly child, the worthless child crushed by every one.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 18, 2019 21:46:42 GMT 10
It is so hard to let something that terrifies you, have every part of you. My feelings want every part of me and I am so scared of them. I am so scared of feeling how my bad feelings make me feel and to let them have me, its so hard.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 18, 2019 21:49:21 GMT 10
I have spent my life fighting my bad feelings, not surrendering to them. It is so hard to turn it all around and let them in and be brave enough to feel them, every part of them, all the terror and bad shit has to be felt and it is so hard even now, six years into my healing, it is like the first day. To let my bad feeling swamp me, to surrender to them is the most courageous thing I will ever do.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 18, 2019 21:50:25 GMT 10
I feel like my feelings are going to kill me, take me away and crush me until I die.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Aug 30, 2019 7:21:50 GMT 10
I am feeling scared, terrified, my breathing is shallow, I feel dizzy and ready to run at any moment, I am like a deer in the headlights. My heart is beating faster and my breathing getting more rapid, there is some sort of threat, something bad is happening to me but I don't know what because I am sitting on my couch writing this and there is no threat at all. I have always felt like this, waiting for something terrifying to happen to me. My feelings ramp up and I go into terror mode and get myself ready to fight, run, escape from the impending terror but nothing comes only my feelings. I am sitting here in this terror feeling that has haunted me all my life, panic attacks, anxiety, it all gets so bad I feel like passing out with the terror of my bad feelings but I cant escape from them, they are always with me waiting to be felt, accepted and the truth found, I just have to stop running and sit down with them but I am so scared of them. The waves of terror sweep over me, my heart quickens, I break out in an instant sweat and grab hold of the couch in terror. I am so fucked, so scared as I sit here feeling my way through this terror, will I be able to see it through?? I don't know how bad it will get before I start moving around, fidgeting trying to shake it off, disturbing the bad feelings and sensations, they stop when I do that but start up again. Can I just sit absolutely still, not even moving my head a tiny bit and let the feelings come, do there worst to me, or will I move and stop them? ?? Can I let the waves of terrifying sensations happen? Is this how scared I was of my parents, doing all I could to keep them happy, to please them because I was so scared of feeling their anger at me, or their disagreement with me and my choices. is this the terror I am feeling, can I let the feelings in? Could I let my parents in? NO I couldn't, I couldn't let them near me, I couldn't let them in because they might hurt me, not physically but emotionally, they might take my WILL! and this is what my terror and fear does, it takes my WILL, I don't want it, I don't want any of these terror feelings but I have them anyway, they take my will and this is what my parents did and this is what I have done to my children also. I am feeling the terror of how it felt as a child to have my WILL taken again and again, I was denied and crushed and this is what these awful panic feelings are doing to me, making me feel the truth of all the feelings I had to deny and repress/supress as a child because I wasn't allowed to show my feelings of how unfair it all was. This terror that keeps trying to get me is all the anger, rage, and fucking outright fear of not being able to express how I felt to my parents when I was a child. Shit I was to scared to say NO to them, or to say I don't agree with them, I wasn't allowed to disobey them and had to respect them above all, above myself. The terror, panic and fear and anxiety I feel as an adult is all from my childhood, all the shit I bottled up as a child, it went no where and all stayed inside of me and now it is coming out to show me the truth of how I felt as a child and it is hard to believe I felt this fucking bad but I did and now I am so fucking scared of those feelings.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 8, 2019 18:21:01 GMT 10
More terrible dreams about how I pushed my son away. In my dream I was crying as he no longer wanted to have anything to do with me because of the many, many times I pushed him away to grandparents and child minders and this wasn't just for the occasional night out this was every week from Monday to Friday his Nan would come and take him away so I could run my business without having to look after him. What was the point of having him?? I was a terrible Mother, I was the mot unloving parent and I am truly suffering for it now. I have dream after dream showing me the truth of how he felt and it devastates me, as it should. His nan loved having him but it shouldn't have been that way, I put the business first, way above my son, and my son told me that he had to be taken away because I couldn't cope, I had depression after I had him but that was all bullshit, he was told so many lies and I have told him the truth and he doesn't want to believe it, of course he doesn't, he doesn't want to hear how unloved he was and would rather believe the lie.
I was a sincerely unloving Mother, I did it all wrong and I was so selfish, I didn't want children and I pushed them away from me so I could carry on my single selfish life without having to stop and look after children so I gave them away. I feel ashamed to write this about myself in fear of being hated but it is the truth and my dream has taken me deeper into the pain of what I have done to my two children and both of their lives are reflecting the truth of how unloved they both feel by their parents, life is throwing the truth at them constantly and I can see it but they cant, they don't want to hear me so I cant tell them.
I am seeing deeper into how I have fucked up their lives with my unloving parenting, my rejection of them and so all life rejects them, even their own bodies. It is terrible to watch it, it is torture for me, it is like I have been sent to Hell as I feel the consequences of my unloving and selfish parenting. I was a terrible parent to my poor, poor children.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 8, 2019 18:54:40 GMT 10
I wasn't capable of loving my children, I wasn't capable of loving anything. Even now, writing this I am crying with the pain of what I have done to them. It isn't fair that they should suffer so for what I have done to them, I wish I could change it all for them, they are having a lot of pain in so many different ways come to them to bring them the truth of how they were parented, all the pain they felt but denied and shut it away. I have done this to them, this is my fault, I have fucked their lives and I see it all the time playing out for me to see the truth of what I have done to them, I feel like looking away but I cant, I have to see it, all the terrible truth of their pain that I caused, I have to feel how it makes me feel and do all of the crying and drowning in my own sorrow of what I have done. I feel like I am going deeper and deeper down in to hell at the moment, it is a gradual process but it is happening and I cant stop it as I want the truth so much, I am constantly open to the truth and wanting to know what I have done so that I truly know myself and all the horror I have caused to my children and this horror is what is called pretty normal parenting in the everyday, non healing world of parenting. I am feeling the pain of why I had to give my children to childminders and go to work, yes, that is it, I gave my children to childminders and went off to work to earn a living and now I am seeing all of the horror that lies underneath that innocent looking action.
I put my job before them, I put money before them, I put my own life before them and I cant even see how far down on the list they were when they should have been at the top, above any and every thing. I have proved to my children that they are unworthy of being loved because everything else comes before them in my life and you might be saying to yourselves that I had to do it 'for them' so we could all survive and live comfortable lives but now, to me, none of that matters, because the truth id I put everything before them and they are showing me the truth of that because they both feel so unworthy in life, that is because I made them feel like that. They should have been first always, I didn't really give them a thought as to what I was doing to them, making them feel like they were in the way, an unwanted appendage, a burden to me and now to everyone. I am fucking well in a terrible place right now, terrible and if I told you the reasons why you would think I was making something huge out of things every parent does to make sure their kids are ok and have a home and all the things they want but that is so wrong, they only need their parents love and they will have everything they need in life and they will have it all because they have felt loved, and like they came first in their parents lives, like they were so special nothing bad could happen to them and all because they felt truly loved and that was all that mattered. All the pain our children feel is because they weren't loved by us as they needed to be loved and their life attractions are bringing to them the truth of their pain that they have had to deny and repress, just as is happening with my children all the time, pain after pain no matter how little it is, it is life showing them that they weren't loved how they needed to be. The truth is all around, bombarding into us like grenades going off and we don't see the truth of what is happening, it isn't just bad shit happening, it is the truth of the pain that is inside us that has gone denied and supressed since childhood and life's events and attractions are smashing the truth into our faces until we get it! WE ARE IN PAIN BECAUSE OF OUR UNLOVING CHILDHOOD!!
Yes, today I feel I am in a terrible place and I doubt if most of what I have written make smuch sense but this is how I feel, fucking terrible, tearful, gut wrenching pain at what I have done and everything in my life is bringing me this truth, I feel scared to go out my back door because of what will trigger me into feeling more bad feelings, it is that bad, its in the trees, the grass, my neighbours, nature, cars bloody everywhere and it is all there just to help me heal and know the truth of myself, even just sitting here I feel feelings that need to be felt, even just a second ago I typed the wrong letter and I felt rage come up, anger at myself, hate for myself for being so stupid and so incompetent and always getting it wrong. Healing is everywhere and now for me it is the only reason anything happens, so I can feel about it.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 9, 2019 4:56:19 GMT 10
Through my feelings I am discovering that being in such rebellion to truth and love is torturous, my whole life has been torturous and I used to call this normal but its not fucking normal to be in pain all the time. My whole rebellious life has been a default setting since my conception, it was always going to be a fight, it had to be as that is all there is, to rebel.
All I feel is the torture of my denied and supressed feelings and it is the torture of being aware of how much pain I was in. I am now being it and it is torture for me. To see and now be aware of the pain I denied it all feels chaotic, there is so much, it is overwhelming as the pain rises in me, one feeling after the other and I have spent my life rebelling against ever feeling this pain, keeping it hidden.
Rebellion against the truth and love is Hell, I can feel it, the Hell in me. It is leading a life of torture, thinking I knew it all, denying God. Now I am feeling the truth of my rebellion I am seeing clearer all the time that my way is Hell. The way of my parents has been Hell, not feeling my denied and repressed feelings from my childhood has been Hell, I have chosen Hell by living in rebellion of truth and love.
Not wanting to feel the truth of how unloved I have felt through my parents parenting of me has been Hell, torture and caused no end of suffering for me as it comes out in any way it can, physically, mentally, spiritually all fucked on every level because of my unloving childhood and all the error I picked up about what truth and love is, all so fucking desperately wrong.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 9, 2019 5:17:39 GMT 10
Living a life in Rebellion is fucking Hell. It is pure pain. I am in pain and I am in rebellion against God, Love, Truth and Myself, I fight it all and always have. I am writing this because it is how I feel right now and it is the realisation of how deep in rebellion I am and I am stuck. I cant do anything about it but feel how it makes me feel and it makes me feel torturous. I know I keep saying it but being in rebellion, it feels like torture. I feel so powerless in this state, living so against God, love, truth and myself but I can be no other way, it is how I have been programmed by my parents, and how they were programmed to be so against themselves, their own Will. Shit I want to fucking cry and break down with the powerlessness of it all, I feel like I cant get out of it, like I will always be living this Hell of the rebellion. I feel so deep in it that it is hopeless to get out, I feel completely hopeless and broken at the extent of how powerless I am to change any of it and all I can do is keep feeling all of my bad feelings. It doesn't feel enough because I am so used to using my mind to get me out of the shit I am in but I cant do that, I want my feelings to show me the truth of how I feel and it scares me. My feelings scare me shitless and my mind is feeling more and more redundant.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 9, 2019 16:46:31 GMT 10
Its 7am on Sunday morning and I realised upon opening my eyes that every day I am scared to open my eyes in fear of what the day will bring. I have not been so aware of this fear until today, right now. Today it has slapped me in the face that I am scared of opening my eyes every day. I am fearing what I may feel and right now I have that fear, I woke up with it, "What will happen to me today, what will I feel physically, mentally, what am I going to be scared of today" and I feel sick with the fear. I can feel a trembling in my legs and a numbness in my head, a feeling of being out of control with the pain I may feel, it might get so bad I cant cope with it, I cant stop it getting as bad as it wants to get, it is not up to me, I cant do anything about it but feel it and I am fucking scared and I wake up like this every morning but today I have become really grounded in that truth of how scared I am of opening my eyes every day.
I am feeling quite unwell right now and I am scared of how bad that may get, so bad I am in agony maybe!! I don't yet know. But it will get as bad as it wants to get, its not up to me. Its like I have no say in it, the pain has a will of its own and will do what it likes to me and I have to say at this point, I am feeling very child like in my fear, it is coming up from my childhood and all of those feelings are there in me. This is an old feeling I have always had, always been scared like this and I want my mummy, that is the first feeling I get, I want my mummy to cuddle me and comfort me but I don't ever remember having her like that, she was there trying to do what ever she could for me but it wasn't right, it wasn't what I needed, I needed her to hold me, love me with a love stronger than the fear I was feeling but she couldn't because she was scared to, just the same and didn't know what to do with me.
I wanted my mummy in a way that she wasn't available for. I needed her to make me feel safe but I never had her in that way, she tried but it wasn't right so I begun to push her away, she scared me in the end because I knew that she didn't have it in her to make me feel safe so I have always pushed her away as she makes my pain worse because I know she cant help me. I am truly alone with my pain, I have no one, not even my Mother, the woman who carried me, grew me, gave birth to me and if she cant help me, no one can, it is all futile, I am truty alone in every aspect of life and that is what scares me about the pain, I want someone to be there for me, it should have been her but it isn't so I have no one to tell and to comfort me and to sympathise with me and to know just the right things to say to me to guide me threw all the pain. I have no one and that feels devastating and makes the pain so much worse and the pain is there to help me feel this truth, that I have no one, that as a child I had no one to be compassionate with me and hold me while I expressed my fears. No one to take me seriously or be interested in my pain. For fuck sake it was serious to me as a child and it is still the same serious pain in me now because I had no one to express it out to and I still don't only this Forum and or course, Mother and Father.
I understand it more now though. Through writing it down I have uncovered why I have needed the pain every morning and that is to alert me to the truth of how alone I have always been. How I have never had the love I needed from my Parents, in the way I needed it. That has made me feel very isolated with my fears and pain, like there is no hope for me because I have no one to express it all to, my parents doen really want to know, even though they said they wanted to know whats wrong, they didn't, their energy was already walking away from me in fear of what I might say and because they knew they didn't know what to do.
I always felt that I didn't have them so I bottled it all up in me and through out my life that cork has blown out and I have been taken down into my pain but not understanding it until now and my feeling healing has made it all so clear what its all about.
I feel better right now, I can still feel the horrible buzz going through my body of that feeling of anxiety and my tongue feels electric and buzzy with an irony taste to it. Like I am having adrenaline pumped through my body in ready for the attack but slowly I am coming down from the fear as I express it out of me and the fear is being so alone with my feelings, having no outlet, no compassionate listener who really wants to be with me and just hear me. I have no one like that and yesterday I spent time crying about that as I am tired of having people around me that just want to fix me, give me answers instead of listening and the amount of frustrating conversations I have had with Trevor, him saying that I don't want to talk about my feelings so its not his fault but I do, just not with people who want to fix me and tell me how it is with me, I hate that, it drives me fucking mad, it takes all of my power away and I feel like dying, my soul feels like fucking packing up and dying because he doesn't want to hear me just like my parents, he is just the same but he gives me these spiritual answers and tells me how it is and how to fix it and it is all bollocks, sometimes I agree but I don't want to be talked at and told, I want to be heard, that's all, just listen to me without telling me and completely taking over my pain because you believe you know better than me about pain, no one knows better than me about MY pain and it is so frustrating to have him around but he is all that I have and I understand why he is around me because he is my parents, not hearing me, not really wanting to be with me in the way I need, he is them and makes me feel all of the frustration of their unloving parenting of me.
I am alone in this and always have been, alone in my pain. No one wants to listen to me or really hear me and every one is proving that to be true. They are not Feeling Healing so all they can do is assert their power over me and try to fix me believing their way is the right way and it is all so hopeless, my soul feels like laying down and dying when I don't get what I need from them and all it would be is to listen to me, not to even say a word but to truly want to be with me because I will feel it if they don't, I can feel it straight away if I am boring someone, I feel it in Trevor, he even fucking yawns as I am talking and changes the subject because he doenst want to hear it, how fucking rude and what a great big FUCK OFF that is to me so I shut down and go off and cry to Mother and Father at how denied and rejected I feel but it is all just as my parents would have done, try to make me deny my feelings instead of going the other way and intensly want to sit down with me and hear me, be interested in me but that is never going to happen, no one is interested and that feels like I am dying inside, no one loves me enough to listen to my pain. I have no one and that is lonely, I have no where to go to with my pain and expression of it and that is just how I felt as a child and it is still the same now, it has to be for me to feel it, I am still that denied child, sitting here writing this is the same denied child as I always was, I can feel her writing this through me, telling everyone about how she feels. The body is 51 but that is just the vessel for this hurt, denied and repressed child.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 9, 2019 17:11:37 GMT 10
My parents said the cared and loved me but they didn't, I didn't FEEL it. Not feeling the love they said they had for me left me empty and always looking to fill that empty space where their love should have been so I have turned to many addictions to fill that void they left in me. They are convinced to this day their love is true and real but I never felt it, they even convinced me they loved me and that the reason I felt no love and couldn't love anything, was something to do with me, I was the freak who couldn't Love but if I had love in me to begin with, I would be able to love so its their fault, it all began with them and how much they truly loved me, I would have felt it and it would have entered me at my conception but all I felt was their fear and that was what they passed on to me and I am living it every fucking day, not their Love that they say they had for me, but their Fear and pain, that is what I felt from them.
Their love was just words, what you are meant to feel for your children but those words had no substance and the substance is what should have flowed into me but it wasn't there so it couldn't flow into me. I use other substances to substitute their missing love for me. They have made me into an addict, a junkie for anything that can make me feel how their love should have made me feel right from the start. There is no love from them to be found in me, I feel like a cripple because of their so called love they had for me. They never felt it from their parents so how could they feel it for me, truly.
They are just spouting off programmed words of their love for me, this is how you are meant to feel for your child but where is the feeling?? I have their words but no feeling and as a child this is confusing and I thought there was something wrong with me and as I grew up my parents confirmed that feeling in me was true, "Why cant you love sam? why wont you let us near you Sam? Why cant you have loving relationships sam? Why do you chose loser boyfriends sam? why are you always ill sam?...…" and it goes on, the never ending blame as to why am so unloving, yet they loved me so much, it cant be them so it must be ME!!!
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 11, 2019 0:29:27 GMT 10
Felt close to breaking today, such bad Vertigo that I had to go up to bed and just lay still while the room spun. I was in despair and just crying and hating Mother and Father for not being there for me, I feel so abandoned by them. I feel like they don't give a shit about me and how much I am suffering right now with this dizzy fucking shit, I cant be bothered with it any more and today I actually felt that if this is it for me for the rest of my life, then life isn't worth living, I would rather die than have this all the time.
I got up and the room spun out on me, I could hardly stand up and I began to scream in rage and anger at Mother and Father, hating them and letting all of my rage go. I was so angry at them, so much hate for them and how useless they are to let me go through this alone, how could they!! I was so scared and terrified at the sensations I was going through I could barely cope with it and at that point I broke and gave in to the feelings, I lay back and let them take me, I stopped fighting it and let the room spin and let the fear take over me and it began to settle down, the spinning stopped and I could sit up and as I did I felt the tiniest droplet of Mother and Fathers love enter me, and I mean it was a minuscule amount but it instantly sent me into uncontrollable tears and crying with the feeling it gave me, in that moment they were there for me, in my torture they showed up.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 15, 2019 19:52:38 GMT 10
So much of my childhood I have forgotten but it is all still around me, I am still that child and it is being shown to me every minute, just how it was so I don't have to remember it. My neighbour just shouted so loud at his son and it made me freeze in fear and all of a sudden I was that child again being scared of my dad shouting at me. My neighbour showing me how it was for me and letting all the feelings come up in me about it, I was waiting for his cry but it didn't happen, he has learnt not to cry, he isn't allowed, he will be punished for it and ridiculed. He just has to take it, as I had to.
I have had a terrible week, been taken to the depths of just how unable to do anything to take my children's pain away I am. I want to control it, end it for them so I don't have to be so overwhelmed by it. I have felt in utter despair this week at how powerless I really am, I thought I had so much power but it was all fake. I have seen just what terrible pain I have created for them and what an awful parent I have been to them, so unloving that they need all this pain so they can see the truth of how unloved they were, they don't quite see it yet but I see it all and it is so hard to take, I keep saying to myself "What have I done to my poor children, I have caused them so much pain, I am so sorry" Praying to Mother and Father to help them, telling them how sorry I am for what I have done to them knowing all their pain, I have caused and it is all shown to me like a slap in the face, It is all so clear just how much of an unloving Mother I have been. I am the cause of all their pain and I see it all so clearly, to watch it all going on and knowing why, it fucking torture to me, the feelings it brings up in me is complete torture.
Both of my children have said to me this week that they don't know what they would do with out me!! Shit that has made me feel awful inside, I can see just how much I have controlled them and done it all for them so now they cant do without me. That is a fucking awful thing to hear from my children. I have ruined them so much they cant do without me, fuck, what have I done!!
I have made them not able to cope in life without me, I have made them need me so much that they cant do things for themselves and that kills me to see what I have done to them, controlled them so much that they need me and I need them to need me, I have had children so I can feel needed, wanted and loved above all else, so I am their be all and end all, so they need me so much they don't function without me, I have ruined them and caused them so much fear and pain at doing anything for them selves. I am my Mother to my children, she did this to me and I grew to be scared of life without her, dreading the day she dies because I needed her so much and she needs me so much, it is all so fucked up and I have done just what my parents did to me, I am no different to them and I can see it all now.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 15, 2019 22:35:29 GMT 10
The truth has just been shown to me about my unloving parenting and how I truly felt about my children.
My neighbour just came over and she stood at my back door with her little boy, I knew what she was going to ask me and I could feel all of my feelings saying "NO NO NO" and she came out with it "Would you be able to look after William for about three hours as I have to go out and I cant take him with me". Shit I was full of dread as she was speaking I was rehearsing what I was going to say, which was, of course, a load of bullshit because I am to scared to say the truth of how I feel to her in case it makes her and her son feel bad and like I don't like them, I still want to be seen as a nice person wen really, I am not but I cant let it out. I replied that I was going out in about half an hour and wouldn't be able to have him. The truth was I didn't want to look after him, I don't want to, I have never wanted to look after children, not even my own and that is the awful fucking truth and I felt it in that situation today. The truth is I don't want to look after my children. I never did. Looking after that little boy today would be like torture to me, I would be stopped from doing what I want to do and I would have to look after him. It is a hindrance to me, I wouldn't be free to do my own will, do what I want to do, be spontaneous and go out if I want to, I couldn't do any of it because I have to look after him. Now this is exactly the same as how I have felt about looking after my own children but didn't want to admit it, I didn't want to be seen as the bad parent so carried on the pretence of looking like I was a good mother when the truth is the opposite, I am a rubbish fucking parent who didn't want her children only when it suited her.
Today, with this thing happening to me with my neighbour, I see it all so clear because of the feeling I felt when faced with the task of looking after her child, I couldn't do it so I lied and that's another thing, I lie to get what I want, to get my own way and it is so manipulating. I had to lie as a child to my parents to get a Yes out of them, to get what I wanted and I still do it now. To get what I want I lie, I don't want to feel bad so I lie to get all the yesses I can. I am a horrible person who pretends to be nice because I don't want people disliking me but if they knew the truth they would hate me and if I get Alzheimer's ever, all the horribleness will come out and the truth of me be known and no one will like me. The nice me will be totally forgotten as I would have forgotten to lie and the truth of my putrid self will be seen and hated.
So much truth today coming at me, I wish I could have just told my neighbour the truth but when faced with it like that, I couldn't, I didn't want to hurt them and I didn't want them to think bad of me so I don't have to feel hated. Fuck I am such a liar now when I see it all and how I wish I could just be up front to people and tell them the truth but I couldn't tell my parents the truth so I have to be the same as how it was for me as a child to see what went on and I lied a lot to every one to be liked, wanted, loved, to get my own way and get the outcome I wanted so I didn't have to feel pain of not having, loss and lack. I am still doing it, I am still that child who is scared to tell the truth because I was scared to tell the truth to mum and dad because they wouldn't like me.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 17, 2019 19:31:17 GMT 10
Everything I do is evil. Everything I do is against myself, nature and God. I am the Rebellion in everything that I do. I know it, I can see it but I cant get out of it or change it. I do something, and I see how against love and truth it is but I can only be it. I am trapped in my own evilness and I feel so in despair about it. I cant tell you how trapped I am feeling and I cant get away or escape from myself. Everything think of doing is in rebellion to anything that is true or good and I feel so hopeless for myself and my future. There is no hope for me all I am is evil in everything I do. Even down to the smallest thing like eating a biscuit, looking for a job I am in rebellion against myself and everything else in the universe and I feel like just falling down in a useless heap, unable to pick myself up again, I don't have the strength. I want to control everything so I can be sure of a good outcome for myself, so I wont feel pain so I plan It all and I can feel myself doing it all the time because I am so fucking scared of what will happen to me if I don't control it all, the pain will be overwhelming and I cant bare it.
I a shit scared because |I have to get a job as my husbands money he left me when he died is now running out, he has been looking after me all this time just like he always did when he was alive but now he cant do it any more, the money is nearly gone and it is now down to me and I have to get a job to pay for it all. Its a council house so the rent is not as high as some but it still all has to be found and I am dreading going back into the world, I don't want to, with all of my heart I don't feel I can do it and I am scared of what will happen to me if I don't. My feelings tell me that I don't want to go back to work, I just want to continue with my healing at home but this fucking life we have created dictates that it all has to be paid for or I will get chucked out and on the streets and it is frightening. I am so confused right now and so scared. There is never a time of peace and I am drained and feeling so powerless and at the end of my tether.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 18, 2019 0:36:51 GMT 10
Through out today the truth has come to me. My fear, dread and feelings of terror and not being able to go in to the outside world, well, these feelings I have traced back to the same feeling I had on my first day at school and leaving mum, leaving my safety. I have then traced it back even further, to my birth, not wanting to leave the womb where I was warm and relatively safe, with the exception of my mums feelings. But this has been a real revelation for me today and some vital truth found. I am feeling exactly the same as I did at my birth into this world, all the same fear and resistance, it is exactly the same. I am amazed, and it is a moment that goes "Shit Sam, of course, this is the truth of how you felt as a baby coming into the world". I was shit scared, just the same as I am now having to go out into the world again, rebirthing and fucking dreading it, I want to stay in my nice warm safe womb/House, I don't want to go out there, it is to big and scary, the people are to awful and I wont feel safe. Please don't make me leave my warm safe place!!! This is how I feel now about having to go about there and get a job, it feels the same as having to leave mum's womb again, I am reliving the fear and dread I felt back then, 51 years ago, I was fucking dreading it s I am now. I also realise I have carried this feeling around with me into everything I do, never feeling safe with anything, dreading every new experience, not wanting to do it. It has been the same feeling that stops me trying and doing new things, I don't want to leave mums womb, I still don't, I want to stay inside where I am safe and I have made my house a substitute for mum's womb, I am safe here, it is warm and comfortable and I want to stay here for ever, I don't want to go outside its to scary.
I had a moment at the kitchen sink when I suddenly knew, this is my birthing feeling, at last, this is the truth of the dread and fear I felt because I have been feeling it all my life but not been aware that this is my fearful birthing feeling I am carrying around into everything I do, it is always present, holding me back.
I truly don't feel capable of doing anything in the world any more, I am to scared but I have always been scared just denied it, shrugged it off, not allowed it to be felt but now I feel it in everything I do and I know it is my original fear, coming out of mum's womb. Being disconnected from her and now on my own, not with her 24 hours a day as I was in her womb. I will be left alone at times, I will be separate from her at times and it fucking freaks me out, even now I can feel how scared I am to be separated from her, I still am, it is still her I want to call for when I am scared although now in a different way, I don't want her physically to be here but I can feel the child in me wanting her and being scared with out her, just like that first day at school, the first day at a job, the first of anything is a fucking dread because of my first day outside of mum and in the world, not inside mum any more. Fuck that scares me even now to think about how fucking scared I have always been, it is in me still.
Yes, this dread I am feeling about having to go to work again is the very dread and fear I felt as I became separated from mum on my birthing day. Everything is taking me back to that day and that fear, terror of being in someone else's hands, not in mum, not safe. I just need to cry, writing this is bringing it all up in me, the tears, the terror of what the fuck is happening to me, I am traumatised by this feeling, traumatised by not being inside mum any more, what the fuck is happening to me, I can feel the confusion, terror of being so out of control as I am pushed out of mums womb and it feels so fucking painful, coming out is painful, it hurts, it is crushing me, my face is smashed and squashed, I feel like I am dying, I cant breath, it is so traumatic as I come out into the world, so painful this new experience. I have these same feelings with every new experience, I never feel I will be safe, terror gets hold of me and crushes me, I cant breath in panic of what is going to happen to me, will I be ok?? Everything in my life has been scary because coming into this world was so scary, so unsafe so the rest of my life has been a reflection of this initial experience of dread and fear.
It is all so clear and it might not seem like that because of the speed I have had to write this down as it comes to me but in me, I have never felt so clear as to why I have been in so much fear, I now know the truth and it is so amazing.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 18, 2019 5:07:33 GMT 10
It is 4 hours since my last post and now I am feeling the truth of my feelings taking me back even further, to my conception and the fear and dread of being conceived, not knowing what I am being born into. I feel scared shitless about what is coming next, not knowing. Its all fear, nothing good at all.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 18, 2019 9:13:20 GMT 10
How bad I feel now is how bad I felt at my conception. All the fear and dread is from then, I know it is, I can feel it is true. Every thing that I attract in my life is to get me right back to that original pain and know the truth of how I felt and it was terror, dread, fear, anxiety, nervousness, panic, boredom, dissatisfaction, disappointment, depression, despair and all the many other bad feelings i have now, as an adult, they all come from that original pain of my conception. My bad feelings are telling me just how it was. Everything that happens to me is screaming to me just how it was and it was terrible. It was such a shock for me, like I couldn't believe it was happening, such a shock. I hated it and was constantly waiting for something terrible to happen, I didn't feel safe and I know that because I still dont and it is a childhood feeling, I can feel it came from my beginning. Nothing about my conception was joyous or happy, it was a bad time and I could feel that from mum, she was in a bad way, mentally unhappy and depressed and that is something I have had to contend with all my life.
God, I can really feel how it was for me at the beginning, so awful, I am already a pain, not wanted, she does the act but Hope's she isn't pregnant. It's like she has to have children because it is expected of her and if she does get pregnant, she Hope's it is a boy this time as she already has a girl. She is going to be fucking dissapointed. I am already not wanted and mum has no clue I am here, inside her and I can hear and feel all her thoughts, the ones she wouldn't dare speak of, they are all rushing at me, I cant cope. I have never felt like I can cope, I have always felt overwhelmed. I feel crushed under everyone's problems, I cant escape, I am trapped. I have always felt trapped.
If it is this bad inside mum then it must be worse on the outside, I dont want to go out there, it is to scary. These are all feelings I have inside me from my conception and my time in mums womb. I am still inside mum not wanting to come out, being scared of everything on the outside and that explains my agoraphobia. I didn't want to come out of mum so I never wanted to go outside, it scared me and sometimes it still does, I am not good with going to far on my own, I dont want to go to far from the womb, my safety.
Shit my life makes so much sense now. I am still that baby feeling all that fear inside mum. I am having a feeling right now of there being no time between me now and me being a baby, it is with me now, being a baby, it is like no time has lapsed at all because the feelings are just the same. The feelings connect me to my younger self so I know just how it was. My feelings take me back there, to the very beginning of my life and I haven't changed, I am still shit scared only now i know why. It is truly amazing to know this about myself and feel so connected to my younger self through my feelings. This is a truth that is under every ones noses, they are all living the truth of how it was for them as a child only they are not aware of it. Our feelings are telling us everything about how it was for us in the womb.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 19, 2019 3:10:59 GMT 10
I have felt really good today, at last a good day. It has been fucking awful and at times I have wanted out of it all, just more of my not wanting to feel my feelings so ending it all felt like a good idea but its not, it will all be waiting for me in spirit.
Today I spent a lot of time in the forest with the horses, I live about 45 minutes away from the New Forest and felt like going there so I did. It was nice and I felt so clear headed. I was looking back at the past few weeks and it has been truly terrible, so much healing and feeling and getting to depths I feel I haven't wanted to go but I can see that nothing goes unfelt. All of my bad times through out my life have come back to me for me to feel and know the truth of, nothing escapes the feeling healing. I have thought about times I felt truly ill or bad in some way and thought I had got away with not having to feel them again but NO! it all comes back to have its turn of being re-felt and healed.
It is nice to have some respite, I ma enjoying the time I have of feeling ok today because tomorrow could be back in it again.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 22, 2019 12:47:27 GMT 10
I feel so trapped inside myself when I cant do what I want or need to do, I cant escape, all my feelings kept inside me unable to get out. When I cant fart, wee or poo when I want to or need to, I feel trapped because I need to express myself in that way, I need to go and do these things and not being able to makes me feel panicked and trapped. My mind goes into confusion and terror that I cant do it when I need to. I spin out into devastation inside of me, feeling the chaos of not being able to do it.
I have had panic attacks all my life and now I know why, because I haven't felt I could do what I wanted and needed to do, I felt repressed and supressed to express my feelings and do what I want to do so that leads to me feeling trapped and needing to escape so I can express myself and how scared I am feeling but not being able to is an awful feeling and when my panic attacks come on I go straight into the need to run, escape but I cant because I am running and trying to escape from my self and my feelings and the only way to escape from the power of them is to express them out o me, release the pressure of the feelings.
I have been terrified of my feelings, terrified of expressing them so healing has been doing what I am terrified to do, in case people know the truth of me, then the lie is up, I have been rumbled and the truth is out about me and how weak I really am.
Oh my God the truth has just hit me as a truth, and I love it when this happens, you can know something for years but when it hits you as a truth, a real soul deep knowing, it is in you for ever. I have been terrified of feeling and terrified of people knowing how I feel so I kept them in, didn't express them so that led to panic attacks because they all built up so much that they needed to be expressed, they needed an escape route and I wasn't allowing them any say so they built up and escaped the only way they could, via Panic attacks. It all makes so much sense now.
This realisation all came about because today I needed to fart and couldn't because people were around and the thought went through me that what if it just came out because the pressure was to much and it just happened. I couldn't let it, that would be to embarrassing so I kept it in, not expressing it how it wanted to because of what people might think of me. The wind was building up so much I began to feel panic set in, it was going to happen and I couldn't stop it, I felt trapped because I couldn't let it out, express it, I felt trapped with it all inside me and not being able to let it out and this is the same for my feelings and they have to go somewhere so the build up creates a panic situation in me where I am so trapped in my unexpressed feelings. Chaos grows in me and I want to fight or flight, panic sets in and I feel like a headless chicken not knowing what to do, I am totally confused and so trapped in my unexpressed feelings.
It is the not expressing my feelings that has caused my panic and anxiety attacks and that might sound like "So What!!" but it is a knowing deep in my soul, a new knowing, a new feeling of the truth that will never leave me. I know some more truth about myself and that is priceless, that is like a part of my soul that I now know as a truth, I know a part of me that is so locked in and it feels so good.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 24, 2019 19:20:30 GMT 10
Through my feelings I am knowing the truth of my childhood, through how I feel right now, I can know this is how it was for me as a child and that is amazing, the truth is always with me and now I am aware of it. All of my feelings of being so unfulfilled by everything that I do, being so bored, so destroyed inside, having no feelings of love for anything, it is all how it was for me as a child but I wasn't aware of it back then. I am constantly amazed by this truth, always asking myself "Is this really how it was, did I really go all that time not being aware of how unloving it all was" Shit I was in a fucking dream, asleep, not being aware of the truth at all and that is crazy to me now. What the fuck, how shut off to my feelings was I!! totally unaware of the pain of not being loved and it has all come as a shock to me. The truth has hit me in the face with a big fucking smash! "Wake the fuck up Sam, this is the truth that you denied" its all such a shock to me. How I am feeling right now is how I felt back then and I am reliving it all again but only now with my eyes wide open and knowing this is the truth of my pain of my childhood, its all so amazing, like I have just had my eyes opened to it all and to how it was for me.
What has made me write this is, I was just sitting back on the couch and out of the blue I felt a longing for Mother and Fathers Divine Love, so I longed for it but with that knowing that I am not going to get it so why bother, I start out with the intention of longing for it but then that feeling creeps in, "Don't bother Sam, you wont get it!". Its fucking horrible and soul destroying to want something so much and not get it, it all feels so futile and then I said to myself, this is how it has to be for you Sam! because this is the truth of how it was for me as a child, and I denied this longing in my from my parents love, to feel it, really feel it enter me from them. NO, I never felt that feeling from them so I cant expect to feel it from God because that would be untrue of them as it is not how it was for me with my own parents. I feel God cant be the parents I want them to be until I know and have felt the truth of my own parents and how they were with me. God cant just over ride the truth of my bad feelings with good ones, showering me with their love when that is not the truth, it is not how it was for me. It wouldn't help me at all if God showered me with their love, it would keep me in further denial of my own relationship with my parents, it would be like none of that matters because I can go straight to God and receive all the love I want but those bad feelings would still be in me and they are the ones that I need to heal so all God can be to me, is a shit, bad, unloving parent, mimicking how it was for me with my own parents, being emotionally not there for me so when I long for their love, I don't feel anything but sit there in my longing hoping it will all change today, it will all at last be different and I will feel their love raining down into me but it doesn't happen so I now long for their love very rarely as I now feel their is no point, just as their was no point longing to feel my parents love for me. They tell me they loved me but it was all just words, even as far as going unsaid because that is just what parents are meant to do, love their children and we a children take it for granted that out parents do love us. It is fucking blind faith, as a child clinging on to the hope that I was loved even though I may have heard the words but I never felt it and I don't feel it now, I don't feel love in me for anything if I am honest, it has all just been words and I am just like my parents, doing the same as they did, all just empty, feelingless words, Bullshit.
My parents believe they have loved me more than any parent could, they truly do believe that but if that is true then why did I not feel their love for me. They say that it is something wrong in me, it is not their fault but mine, I am broken somewhere and it is nothing to do with them but I know it is because I never felt the love they say they had to me, they lied to me and to themselves about their love. They were not loved children so how could they have the love in them to give to me, they just cant, it isn't possible for them to have the love they say they have, it can only be in their minds. They don't have the substance of love in them to pass on to me. I know I am missing that substance, I would feel it flow into me from them but I never have. As an adult they have said they love me when saying goodbye to me, only mu mum not my dad. The words are empty though, they hurt me because I cant feel them and any truth from them just as my words of love for my children are empty and no substance gets passed onto them, those words leave a huge hole because there is so much missing from them, I am always looking for the missing bit to those words and my parents don't have it to give to me, just as I don't have it to pass on to my children, I leave them hollow and unsatisfied, unfulfilled with words from my mind to theirs, nothing enters their heart or soul from me, it cant.
This is how empty I feel with out love, this is how empty my parents feel and are just play acting the role of loving parents, it is not who they are really, it is not who I am either. It is all an act to make us seem like good loving people so others will like us and not hate us because if they knew the truth, they would hate us for it, for the unloving being we are and can only be. Without love, truth and the substance of it I am an imposter and that is all I can be and all I have been, playing at being a good parent, daughter, friend, wife, person. I am an imposter because I have not been loved, I never felt love as a child and I have led a life of pretending I was loved because I believed my parents and that love was only a mind thing and maybe that was as far as love went, in the mind, never a feeling. I believed that was love because that was all my parents had to give me, mind words of love, not the feeling, the substance of love. Shit I feel so empty right now with it all in my mind and nothing in my soul, my soul is craving it, it knows something is desperately wrong with this and I have been sick all my life because of what I learnt and believed love to be, something so huge was missing and still is. The missing substance of love.
|
|
|
Post by samantha9 on Sept 24, 2019 21:06:42 GMT 10
A feeling I have always carried with me is the feeling that at any moment I am going to die. I have not been conscious of that being the feeling but now I have felt my way through, I can know that this is true. I have been scared all my life of just not being, in an instant no longer being alive. I sit here today, feeling breathless which is fucking horrible and apparently a part of menopause symptoms but for me it has brought to me the feelings I need to know about and that is that I feel so breathless that at any moment I could stop breathing and die, right here right now on this couch, like my plug has been pulled and I am nothing, I no longer exist to anyone and in saying that, that is how I have always felt, like I am nothing and I don't really exist to anyone, I don't mean anything and if my plug was pulled it would be one less burden for everyone to worry about, my parents I suppose I am talking about. Its a fear of meaning so little that I am nothing and don't exist as myself, that would be to much for anyone to deal with so I just stay this insignificant being who could die at any moment and that has scared me so much, being such a nothing that I actually die without being anyone to anyone, what has it all been about, all such a waste of time being so nothing and so insignificant to everyone.
Yes, today I am feeling very breathless and it is a scary feeling, like I am struggling for breath, it is uncomfortable and I feel very on edge. What will happen if I cant breath, I feel like sometimes I actually forget how to breath and have to make myself do it. Arggh so many bad feelings that scare me, I am so tired and worn out, everyday more to feel about and every night I pray to God to bring all of my bad feelings to me to know the truth of, when they come, and they do! I am terrified but I want to know the truth. Its hard to give in to these bad feelings, to accept them, its so hard and until I feel I can do that, I will do all my feelings need to express how awful I feel and I cant accept or give in to them yet, I can feel I am still fighting them, trying to get rid of them, stop them making me feel bad. To just sit here and let the breathlessness take me to where I need to go is to scary, all terrible thoughts go through my mind, all the what if's go through my mind and it is all the most worst things that are wrong with me, like I have heart disease, cancer, some god awful illness, always the worst things are wrong with me and I am going to die in the most painful ways, shit I have had enough, I am so exhausted.
Every day I wake up and sit on the loo saying to myself I wonder what it will be today, what awful feelings am I going to have to go through today, things that have already happened to me in my childhood but I denied and pushed away, now have to be accepted and expressed to know the truth of them, it is all coming up and it is terrifying. I sit here feeling breathless and my lungs not functioning properly, only filling the top section with air and it scares me shitless. To feel so suffocated, that is it that s how I feel suffocated by my bad feelings, suffocated by my parents will over me, their control and me always having to put them first in all I do, its fucking suffocating. I want to take a full and comfortable breath but I cant, they wont let me, I can only take a bit, as much as they will allow me to take, then they stop me, I can never work at my full potential only as far as they will allow me to go and it is suffocation, I feel trapped by them, by life. What is the point in my life if I am so trapped and suffocated by someone else's will over me, there is no point in me having a life if I cant be in control of it, I feel so suffocated, it is like they have their foot on my throat and take it off every now and again, they are in control. I feel crushed by them, supressed, oppressed, repressed, depressed by them in every thought I have, they are there, I have to think of them first and I feel so trapped in that programming. They taught me that they come first in all I do, the first thing I have to do is think to myself "would mum and dad approve of this" and I still do it, fuck I am so trapped and suffocated by them. I cant get rid of them out of my head. Everything I do they are there!!!!!
They have even parented my children through me, its so insidious, they are constantly inside me even controlling my breathing, controlling every part of me, controlling my children, Arghhhhhh I cant escape, I cant breath, I just want to breath on my own with out them being my life support system, without me needing them so much because they made sure it was like that, that I needed them all the time and never left them, for fuck sake, I am trapped in them, I cant breath with out them. I want to just crumple up as a heap on the floor and give in to them because I am them, they are inside me and I cant escape, no matter how far I was to go, they are in me and I cant get them out and I feel suffocated by this truth. I am still their child and I can try to get away from that but I cant go far because they have me, I am there's and I am trapped, imprisoned in their will while mine tries to break free but it cant.
I am breathless because I am suffocation under their will, it is like a thousand mattresses on top of me, crushing me and suffocating me and I cant get out. That is just how it feels and I can see that image too, it feels like my chest is caving in with the weight of their will on me and how much I have to please them and so please everyone, fuck them for this shit, they have crushed the will out of me as I put them before me, their will above my own in all I do. I am so hopeless, I am so pointless, what is the point in having a life of my own, a will of my own if I cant express it, I have no clue who I am only who they want me to be, who the fuck am I!!! What was the point in my creation!! I feel like dying again as it all feels so pointless if I cant be my own will, then what was the point giving me a will, a life, an existence, what was the fucking point in my conception into this life only to have it taken away, they took my fucking life and I want to cry, I am crying. My parents stole my life, my will, God gave me this incredible gift to use as I please and it was over-ridden by the will of my parents so what was the point in me ever coming into being.
I died the moment I was conceived, the moment I felt all of my parents plans for me, how they wanted me to be, what they wanted a boy but got a girl, all of these feelings I felt from them and I had to be how they wanted me to be or I wouldn't be loved how I needed to be loved. I had to give in to their will and be all they wanted me to be so to not disappoint them, I couldn't bare the pain of that. I died at my conception, I couldn't be me, I couldn't express myself in this world in the way I wanted to so I gave myself away and I have been doing that ever since, giving myself away to everyone and letting them take my will over theirs's, their will being the important thing, not mine, that can die, that can never see the light of day so now I have no idea who I am, every decision has my parents in it, it anything I do my will??
|
|