I have had a nagging headache all day and it is fucking me off. I can feel the feelings it is bringing up in me and it is fear of always being in pain. Always having pain nagging at me, never letting me be free to enjoy anything, I always have to be controlled be the pain. It has stopped me doing things today and now I am just on my bed writing this. I cant do anything while I am in pain and I have always felt like that. Like I cant do anything, I am to scared to. Faye skyped me from Bali and told me about all of these amazing things she is doing(all denial but she isn't there yet), I would be way to scared to do all of them, I dont feel I can truly do anything, my fear keeps me tethered to my parents, just like they used to tether me to them as a child. I am still that child doing what her parents say and not making them feel scared by going off and doing extreme things. I am safe here on my bed.
My head feels do heavy and hurts my eyes, I have an awful headache and I am so pissed off with it, I wish I could just be pain free.i cant do anything when I am in pain. I cant do anything. I am to scared too.
Drove to Winchester today crying and talking to Mother and Father about how scared I am of everything. Did what I had to do in Winchester and got to my car and broke down crying again as i realised that i am constantly scared.
I walk around checking i have my car park ticket and couldn't find it so went into panic. I was on my own and panic took over. I had to get back to my car as quick as i could to sort it out. I was talking to God all the time telling them how much i fucking hate them for doing nothing yo help me, fucking useless, absent parents never helping me, i was so angry. As i got to my car i found the ticket but it gave me such an opportunity to scream at God, hate them for being so useless.
Also while i was in Winchester i had to go loo and as i went in and went to lock the door i caught myself not locking it fully in case i got locked in and couldn't get out. I came out and started crying again as i realised i am constantly scared of something bad happening to me. Then came to me the thought of my mum, i am never like this when she is with me, i am not scared, she will sort it all out if any thing bad happens. I am just the same as her, i sort it all out for everyone so they are safe. It is my mum i need constantly with me, i can sort it out for others but not for myself, i need her to save me. I am not safe without her and this has been my cause of panic all through my life.
She needed to be needed so made sure I needed her always, the first person I want with me when things go wrong is my mum and she made it this way by needing me to need her so she felt loved and wanted and needed.
My trip out today was fuelled with fear, right from the moment I left my house, it only takes twenty minutes to get there up the motorway and I was scared the whole way, really scared yo be going alone as something bad could happen to me. Al the way I was telling God, out loud, how I was feeling, crying all the way and all the way back, fully feeling my fear of being alone and without my mum, I was back to being a little lost girl, I always am her.
What an incredibly shit day that was yesterday, wow, I felt so awful, the last few days have been deeply terrible but today I woke up feeling like I don't want to punish myself over my eating. I usually wake up feeling guilty about what I will eat during the day and feeling so useless about eating shit food that puts weight on me after spending a life time dieting and only eating healthy foods to keep my weight down, now I cant do that mind controlling dieting, now I am following my feelings and eating what I want and it has put weight on me but I have to be true to my feelings and stop denying myself all the time. It has made me feel terrible, I mean really terrible, so much hate has come up about how I truly feel about myself and it is shocking to know how I truly feel, all that hate for myself and my self image.
Today for the first time ever it has softened, I don't feel the punishment I want to give myself as soon as I wake up. Today I felt like this is how I am right now. The punishing voice inside me stopped, all was quiet in my head and I made my toast and marmite without the guilt, the so heavy gilt feelings of self hate at how uncontrollable I am, how useless I am, how compulsive I am and all the rest of it. Today I feel it softening in me, I can feel a memory of it but not the words and feelings in my head telling myself all of those awful things that I feel about myself. I felt quite free as I ate my breakfast. I usually have this awful soul sinking feeling about how I will never be as I once was, slim and acceptable like that, every day not a minute goes by when I am not in that self hate mode, being so disgusted by myself. Today for the first time I feel it has quietened down in me and I felt something else rising in me, acceptance I suppose it is. I cant do anything about how I am, I cant, I really cant stop myself being like this, I have to be it to feel it, there is no other way and it feels like something has taken me over, that I just cant be any other way. I feel like I have finally broken through to some acceptance and stopped fighting myself about this.
Today I feel freer than I have ever felt about this weight and food thing, it has been huge for me and devastating to put some weight on, I have hated every bit of it as I hate every bit of me but it has been crucial to my healing and accepting more of myself. I might not lose the weight but I feel better about it today, more calm and accepting of it. Maybe it is me, maybe this is how I am meant to be, not like the skinny girl I always battled to try to be, It was hard to be like that, it was cruel and denying too, I made myself suffer in saying NO to myself all the time, denying myself of what I really wanted, now I am not doing that and as a result I have become everything I hated. I have put on weight and it has been so tough to accept that this is me.
I can still feel the softening of acceptance I am feeling for myself. The self hate is weakening, I am feeling like it is losing its hold over me and I am blending into it like the fight against myself is unwinnable, I just cant win and I am losing strength with the fight and so moving into a breakdown. I am giving up and giving in to the way that I am and so much more deeper realisation has been coming to me of how unloving I am being to myself in wanting to change myself. It is saying that I hate myself as I am and I want to be someone different because I hate myself so much and I am beginning to see how unloving that is, to want to change myself or someone else or anything. It is so unloving and cruel and evil to say something isn't good enough as it is and it has to change, I can really see that now and really feel it, how awful it is.
I am doing to myself what my parents did, wanted me to change for their better, so I was more acceptable to love, or them to love me I had to change. I am doing that to myself all the time, hating myself as I am and maybe I am not meant to be the slim girl I wanted to be and spent all my life being her but finding it so hard to maintain that weight all because I hated being myself, a bit overweight if I allow myself to eat what I want, shit I dreaded being her and now I am and the hate I have felt for myself has been huge and scary, so much hate.
Yes, I am beginning to have realisations that this is me and how God wants me to be and I cant fight it any more, there is nothing I can do about it except feel how it makes me feel and now I am giving up the fight against myself, I cant win. I still feel sad that I cant be that girl anymore but she was so hard to maintain with diets all the time, denying myself constantly what I wanted to eat and feeling so left out of any enjoyment. Now I am eating what I want, the complete reverse and I am feeling other terrible feelings of real hate for myself being a bit more overweight, it has been a shock to be like this, I have hated every bit of it, shit I cant put it into words how much I have loathed myself but as I have said, I am now giving up the fight, I cant win, I am beaten and I have to be this while all the time expressing how it makes me feel, never stopping the expressing to God, how I hate them so much for not helping me, not changing me, putting me through this, blaming them all the time, hating them constantly. They don't hear me, they ignore me, they don't take me seriously at all. I feel like I don't exist to them, this of course, being my own parents I am projecting onto God.
Yesterday I was raging at them, I was so angry with them, God. I still feel like it today, why aren't they hearing to me, listening to me, I feel so denied and unimportant to them, so overlooked by them. Neither of them helping me when I plead for their love and feel nothing, it is just how it was for me as a child and they can only be that way with me to help me realise the truth of how it was for me as a child. So many different feelings coming up constantly, one goes and another comes, fear all the time in everything I do, all of it coming up and out of me.
I just made myself Spaghetti hoops on toast for dinner and as I came to the end of it I had a feeling that it wasn't enough, I wanted more, I always want more. I didn't feel satisfied. I then went straight to my childhood and always yearning for there to be something else, something special, I wanted more in my life, I felt the same as I did today, I was unsatisfied with life as a child and me wanting food, more and more of it, nothing ever being enough has today, taken me to my childhood feelings that are just the same, I always wanted more in my life, more magic, more surprises, more specialness, more satisfaction, more of everything. Shit I always felt so unsatisfied like I did today.
It is an amazing feeling to be in that moment of feeling just how it was for me as a child and in that moment of feeling, I hit the nail on the head of how I felt as a child. I always wanted more of everything, anything in my life was never enough for me. I longed for it, I yearned for it and I can remember me and a friend talking on the roundabout in a park when I was about 10, we were talking about how we wanted it when we grew up and we both couldn't wait to grow up and leave home away from our parents so we could do and be what we wanted. We both were never satisfied with home life with out parents, we wanted more. It didn't fulfil us and it still doesn't. I WANT MORE, MORE AND MORE AND MORE. Its never enough for me, I want to feel satisfied but I never do.
My spag on toast tonight helped me feel the truth of why I want more all the time, why I am never satisfied with what I have, why I made up all those fantasies as a child and adult because I always wanted more, I wanted to feel so full inside, so full up with love that I never felt my life was never enough. I didn't feel loved, I didn't have it in me so I would never feel satisfied or fulfilled in life, I would always be left wanting more.
I can feel it coming, the truth is revealing itself to me through my feelings and every day I am feeling more bits of it being shown to me and it is wonderful to know this about why I always want more of what ever it is, food, money, whatever.....
I am not greedy for things I am just empty of Love and love is the only thing that will fill me up and make me feel satisfied, I never felt it in me so I used anything that made me feel good to substitute the love I needed but never felt.
I have been in pain all and expressing the fuck out of this headache, its a dull pain that stops me doing stuff I want to do, things like bending forward, shit the pain and pressure. It hasn't lessened and just now I bashed me ankle on the corner of the stairs and I instantly wanted someone to hear me moaning about the fucking pain I was feeling and no one said a word to me, no one worried or came to see I was ok or what the matter was. No one cares about how I feel.
I feel so alone with my pain, no one is interested in me and how I feel and this is how it was for me as a child. When ever I hurt myself as a child I would make a fuss about it wanting attention, I was really asking for someone to be interested in me, to care and worry about me and like today, I didn't really get it. Mum would try to sort it out with plasters and pain killers but that was just to take my pain away as quickly as possible and I do that to, I don't take anything for my pain but I do find myself wanting the pain to go as quickly as possible because I am so scared of it. The pain might completely overwhelm me and I wont be able to cope with it, that is what I am scared of, not being able to cope with it. The pain might get so bad I will be screaming in agony, I cant control it. Like today with this headache it was in my mind that if it gets any worse I wont be able to cope with it, I am very scared of the pain taking over me completely.
Going back to me bashing my ankle, I felt like I had been taken back to being a child again, I really felt like it, the desperation of wanting someone to care about me as I hurt myself. The feeling was inside me, why doesn't anyone care that I have just hurt myself, where is the love, where is the concern??
I can remember having to tell my mum that I had hurt myself just to get a caring reaction that I needed, I had to literally go to her on occasions and tell her to care for me because I had hurt myself. I want people to know I am in pain, I want someone to care about me being in pain and want to listen to me, care enough to want to hear me. No one does. I feel pathetic that I need to let people know I am in pain but it is only because I don't feel that I have had any real concern, no one wants to know and I want them to know that I just hurt myself and could you please care.
This nagging headache scares me. What if I wake up with it again tomorrow, what if I get them every day, life wont be worth living with this pain. I am scared t move in case I agitate it more, just stay still, the pain subsides when I am still but then I cant do anything, the pain is controlling me and it is so unfair. I want it to go away and leave me alone, so much pain all the time, pain I once would have medicated away like my parents taught me, now I am feeling my way through it all, what it has to tell me about my denied and suppressed feelings.
My head is burning inside and as usual I go straight to having a brian tumour( I know I wrote Brian instead of Brain but it was a mistake and it is funny so I want to leave it). Yes I have a headache, I have a Brian tumour, always the worst thing is happening to me, I go straight to the worst thing possible happening, the disaster, the end. Any pain I have and I go straight to it killing me, me dying in agony and wanting someone to put me out of my misery, kill me to take the pain away, all crazy but it is how I feel. I am so sick of being so scared all the time, feeling like the worst thing is going to happen to me.
Another realisation, I have just finished my dinner and went to have my little bar of chocolate and realised I didn't have one, what a disappointment. I feel like I haven't been truly satisfied now, I feel unfulfilled and really bored that there is no other nice thing for me to have, what loss I am feeling. What now, I am lost as I was expecting to have something nice but I don't have anything, its so unfair, I feel really hard done by, like I am missing the best bit just like when mum didn't doo any pudding after dinner, I was left unfulfilled and empty because I was waiting for the best bit. There is no best bit for me, she says to go and have some fruit, I don't want boring fucking fruit, I want cake, chocolate, something puddingy.
I feel like the bit I was waiting for has been withheld from me, I have not been thought about that I may miss it and want it but its not there and she doesn't care that I will be so disappointed. Its all so disappointing, such a let down, its always been like that, me waiting for the best bit in life and it never coming or coming but only now and again, when my parents decide to give it. They are in control of the nice bits I get so I am always beholding to them, waiting, hoping longing for the good bits to come.
Most of the good bits were what they thought were good though, not asking me what I liked and then me getting it and loving them because they had asked me what I liked, I would love them because they had respected me, been interested in me and what I wanted, None of that. I cant remember ever really being considered or asked what I would like, how I felt about anything, it was all them.
I just put my hand in the biscuit tin and got a digestive, I didn't want that one I wanted a chocolate chip cookie but stuck with the digestive and it felt awful. I ate it and as I ate it I asked Mother and Father to help me feel the truth of how I was feeling and such huge disappointment came over me that I had to make do with what I didn't really want, what I wanted I couldn't have. I felt so hard done by, so denied as I ate the biscuit I didn't want and saw what I wanted but couldn't have it, it is just how it was for me as a child. The digestive I was eating made me feel that I still had the longing in me for the one I really wanted and it is still there in me, I want it but couldn't have it so that longing has always been in me. I have always had to make do with what I don't want, pretend that it is ok, that I am ok with it and show that to my parents, not the truth that I don't feel happy making do with what they want for me.
I am constantly longing for that thing that I really want, that feeling I want to feel, that fulfilment and satisfaction, it is a yearning in me to feel those good feelings and the biscuit thing has just brought it all up. I wanted the chocolate biscuit but had to make do with the plain digestive and it was such a disappointment, I felt nothing in me had changed I still had a yearning for a good feeling in me that didn't get met. I have had that feeling in me all my life and I have done everything in my life to meet that good feeling and nothing has, I just went from one thing to another to try to get that feeling met, nothing worked, I want the chocolate biscuit all the time, that goodness, that wonderful taste that only lasts for a few seconds and how frustrating is that!! It doesn't last because it isn't real love I am receiving, its a substitute.
Even If I had taken the chocolate biscuit, the good feeling wouldn't have lasted for long and I would be back to longing for it again, its so frustrating. Putting all of this false love into me just like mum and dad did, gave me false love and it never kept me happy for long, I was always longing for more, something deeper, better, something else because what they gave me didn't meet my feelings and longings either, because it wasn't real love, it didn't touch my heart and fill me up to the top so I felt so fulfilled and satisfied, that is how I know it wasn't real love, I was always looking for it but didn't really know it was Love I was looking for.
I just feel asleep on the couch and had a dream that has disturbed me so much I woke up crying. In my dream I was rushed into hospital because I was so ill and the doctor said I wasn't ill I was pregnant but how could that be, I haven't had sex and I am well into my menopause and I am 52, although I am 51 but in this dream I was 52.
I went home and told my children and they both cried in sadness and anger at me for having another child, so this showed me the error I have passed onto them, they don't like children just as I didn't, I thought I did but this dream has shown me the truth because I was so horrified about being pregnant and having another child, this is how I truly felt at both of my pregnancies, the truth is being shown to me.
The next part of my dream, I was at home and looked out of the window and saw a huge tiger sniffing my car, I shouted to Trevor to come quickly and he did but didn't seem to interested and I felt angry with him, I was shocked at there being a tiger outside my house and angry that Trevor wasn't interested so I went on feeling no one was interested in anything I felt was important, I had to keep it all to myself.
Then I was outside with other women pulling water up from a well,we were all getting on and laughing, I wanted to tell them I was pregnant but I couldn't, I was to ashamed and scared that they would not want to know me any more, thinking I was cursed or evil because I was menopausal and how could this be. We were all dressed in long cloths and head scarves like in Jesus' time. Then the Tiger approached us and we all backed up into an ally way and the Tiger nudged the first two women out the way until he got to me and I stretched my hands out to him as if to let him have me, I was giving myself to him but he didn't ravage me, he began licking me, my hands and up my arms and then took my hands in his mouth and led me back to the well. There I saw Jesus standing waiting for me, I broke down at his feet crying and all I wanted to do is go with him, be with him, be taught by him but I couldn't because now, I was pregnant and for the next 18 years tied to looking after my child when all I wanted to do was to go with Jesus. He took me by the hand and walked me back to my house telling me I wasn't pregnant but he wanted me to see the truth of how my parents felt for me when they found out I was coming and how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, the shame, the horror, the feelings of my life now being over and never again being able to do what I wanted. This is the truth he wanted me to see, how I always wanted to get rid of my children to others looking after them so I could carry on with my own life like they didn't exist.
I woke up feeling this was all true, being so relieved I wasn't pregnant, I don't want any more children and now I know I didn't even want the ones I have, I know that to be so true now because I feel Jesus Has let me experience the truth by letting me think I was pregnant, all of those same feelings came back to me and I cant stop crying about how unloved and unwanted I have been and how unloved and unwanted my children were and are by me.
I will carry on with the feelings this dream beings up for me during the day, it is with me and so real like but Jesus was so beautiful, so calm, radiating love for me and took my hand like I was a child and he my parent.
Those feelings though, they were the real ones alright, just how I felt being pregnant but denied because they are so unloving, I was a selfish mother to my children, not really wanting them and they have felt this all their lives. I thought I was a loving mother, doing all I could for them because I loved them so much but now my denied feelings are brought to me I now have felt the truth and it is amazing but terrible how I have put it all on, all been a lie just kidding myself I loved my children, I really believed I did because I was to scared of the truth I really felt, It just isn't done for a mother to admit she doesn't love her children and feels trapped by them. Shit, I am even scared now to write this, what if they read it!!! Although we have spoken about this and I have told them the truth of how I wasn't the most loving of mothers but they don't feel that, they are not ready to go into their own healing and feel the truth of how I mothered them for themselves yet.
This dream was amazing, Jesus was incredible to feel him being there holding my hand and he knew everything about me, he knew how I was feeling, exactly. I could not hide anything from him, he knows everything, all of my lies, my denied feelings, he knows how fake I am and still loved me, I knew it.
As I re-read through this dream I have had another realisation. I got to the bit where I was calling Trevor to have a look at this Tiger and he wasn't interested, barley glanced at it and this is why I had my children, I was having them so someone would be interested in me, treat me special and look after me. I would be the number one to all my family, so special. I was using my children to get the feelings I needed, it was all for me, nothing was about them and this was the same for my mum, it was the only time she was treated differently or had any interest shown to her, I am just the same, it was never about us the children, it was all about her/me feelings and wanting to be treated so special, to be recognised, treated, to be sacred to someone because this special thing was happening. It was never about the babies but all about me, another ploy to get the attention I needed.
I have had some good days, feeling ok but today I woke up feeling so scared. I was having my shower and feeling so scared that something bad was going to happen to me, always something bad is coming. I am terrified inside, almost shaking and my mind goes straight to food to make me better, maybe I am low in sugar and I get that horrible weakness like I am just going to fall like I have died. I was having my shower and really crying because I felt so bad telling Mother and Father all about it and how scared feeling so ill and bad makes me feel, getting it all out to them. The weakness is so awful some times and this morning I woke up with it and it scared me. I think that food will cure it all, it must be because I am so hungry but its not, its fear, terror coming up in me and I am now expressing it. I feel like my body wants to shake so I am shaking, trembling uncontrollably. Let me body do what it wants to do. Let myself be out of control, let myself be terrified and scared, let it be the truth of how I feel.
Ever since I was a child I have dreamt about tidal waves and in all of my many dreams, the wave has never got me, I always managed to out run it, I thought this was a good thing but now I finally understand. Two nights ago I had another tidal wave dream and I saw it coming towards me down the end of the street, it was huge and full of debris and dirt and I knew that this time, I couldn't run from it so I didn't, I held onto the lamp post and let it take me and I could see myself being thrown about under the water and I could feel myself dying. I now realise this is a good thing, not the running from it that I have done all my life and felt relieved that I didn't die in it.
This dream has come at a time when I feel I have finally stopped running from all of my fears as I accept them more now and am actually being them, feeling them, expressing them. The dream amazed me because it was such a realisation that all I have to do is give up, let the wave have me, let it kill me. This is my healing, this is what I have been doing with my feelings, no longer running from them, the wave but let the bad thing happen to me, let me feelings have their way with me while I express my way through them all to find out the truth.
I cant believe I have taken all these years to understand the Tidal wave dream and in that one dream, letting the wave have me, no more running, accepting it and not fighting it, dying, I feel so changed by it, so accepting and so much calmness in me. I am still feeling bad feelings but the acceptance is so amazing, there is no fight left, well, that is how it is at the moment, it could all change.
When I died under the water, I woke up and found myself alive and it amazed me, this was in my dream, I was somewhere and I was alive. It was a very amazing feeling.
So much more truth about why I am the way I am is coming to me, shit it comes like magic, its amazing. I now know why I have made things to sell all my life. I am creative and I have used this creativity to make money and today I had a memory come into my mind of when I was five and my sister wans seven and we used to make stuff out of any old thing we had around and pretend we had a shop and sell it to mum and dad and mum, being the very artistic one, would help us make things to sell and I had forgotten about that until it came to me as a flash back.
I had this memory come to me when I was sitting on the loo talking to Mother and Father and it all came together, it all fit in and made sense why I have done this, the very thing mum taught me to do as a child, I have done it all my life because she said I could sell what I made as a child. It was only play but it stuck, I carried doing it all my life, making money out of what I make, my creativity.
It was the memory that got me, shit it was so clear, so there, in me and it just came up from my soul to show me why I am like this and why I do it, because I was taught to do it, the seed was planted into me by mum.
When this realisation came to me, I cried, really cried with love, that is how the truth made me feel, I can describe the feeling but it was incredible and all while I was sitting on the loo.
Something happened to me today and it put me into shock and confusion, it was to do with the internet and it happened out of the blue, I didn't expect it at all and I didn't know what to do about it or why it had happened. I felt extreme confusion because I didn't know the truth behind why it had happened, it just happened. I didn't know the details behind it so I was left in such confusion. It rung so true to me that I had been in this state all my life, shock and confusion because of not being told the truth, the details being kept from me and I was just expected to be ok with that. It has put me into panic and mistrust and so much anxiety throughout my life, such a horrible place to be, never knowing what is really happening to me, never feeling safe because of that. My parents didn't tell me any truth, they lied so I have lived in a state of shock and confusion and todays occurrence put me right into those feelings, knowing this is how I have always felt. Shock at why things have happened to me, petrifying shock. It is soul destroying and today I actually felt that sinking feeling inside me, a feeling I have felt so many times, devastation, let down, disappointment. I have never been able to sort things out for myself because I have never known the truth so I have had to rely on someone else, mum or dad, to fix it because only they knew the truth and wouldn't share it with me. They had all the power, I had none. Because of this I look to others to fix things for me, to save me like mum and dad did. They withheld truth so they could be powerful and be in control and do it all for me. Its fucking horrible to feel so helpless. I am helpless, that is how I feel after todays events, I had to call up the internet lady to fix it because I didn't know how to and she instantly did it, just like mum or dad would have when I was a child. She knew what had happened and wouldn't tell me and I felt so powerless, she just fixed it and it was all ok again but it left me in a quandary about what had happened, what had I done to muck it all up and then have to have a grown up fix it for me. I still don't know and I am still in my shock and confusion over what happened. Why cant I be told the truth about what happened, am I not capable of dealing with the truth? I feel so unworthy and pathetic and like I have to live life in an unaware state all the time, like I don't need to know, don't worry about it Sam, its not for you to know !!!! I hate being so denied, left out of any truth, I just don't know what is happening in life because of this and it is fucking frustrating.
Last Edit: Jul 27, 2019 4:26:02 GMT 10 by samantha9
'THEY WONT BE SAFE WITHOUT ME' This is what my relationship is about with my children, this is my relationship with my parents, this is what they put inside of me and I believe it. I was just watching the Sparrows feeling their chicks and I know that as soon as they can feel themselves, the parents leave them to fend for themselves and they find their own way but I am still feeling my chicks, I am so scared of leaving them just as my parents have done to me, always so scared to let me go. I am fucked because of it, my children are now also fucked and need me, they are as scared as me and I am so sorry for what I have done to them.
I feel terrible about this, really awful and gutted inside as I see the fear in them, it is mine and I have put it into them, I believed it about my parents and made my own children believe the same. Shit I want to cry, I feel so gutted at the trauma I have shown them about needing me in life or they wont be safe, I have well and truly fucked them as I was fucked.
I have had a good feeling about myself today, I am loving my hair but I hate the rest of me. My hair feels good, long and full and I love it today. I really hate everything else though, I can hardly bring myself to look at myself I am so disgusted at myself. I wish I could be different, I wish I could be someone else, I fucking hate myself. I have always felt like this and tried to change myself to be prettier, better, skinnier so I will be loved and wanted but now I am being the truth of all I hate about myself and I fucking do hate myself, really and truly detest myself and how I am. I cant do anything about it though but be it, hate it, detest it, loath it but I like my hair!!
Today I have been feeling how hopeless I am to not being able to stop snacking, I cant go into the kitchen without picking at something, I cant stop and I wish I could, I don't feel like I am in control anymore, something is making me do it, that is how it feels. My mind says 'No Sam you don't want it' but then I go and do it and before I know it I have eaten again, what the fuck!!!!! Its like a program I cant fight. It makes me feel so hopeless and like I have no control, God I feel shit about myself. I used to be able to diet and control myself and be slim and lovely but now I am hating this constant need to eat. I am scared of how far I will go and how out of control I will get. No one will love or want me. I will be ugly and fat, I hate fat, its fucking disgusting and any fat people reading this, well, this is how I feel and I am scared of becoming what I hate and being the truth of how much I hate fat, of how conditional I am, of how I judge fat people. I have always thought it and just kept it to myself but I want to get it out of me, it is how I feel about fat people, they are unlovable, judged and hated by society. Everyone sees a fat person and makes a joke or a judgement about them and I might become that person, its what I am scared of because I know how I judge and feel about fat people, I am so unloving of them and don't think I deserve to be loved if I get fat. I am evil I know but I cant pretend to like it, it would be lying to myself, I hate it and I am scared of maybe becoming it to feel the extent of my self hate.
I am so confused now, I have just entered a confused feeling and everything has gone foggy. Fuck I fucking hate this fucking healing, I hate Mother and Father too, fuck them, fuck I hate them so much. I want to blame them for everything, they are fucking useless and I hate them. I never know whats going on with me and they do, they know it all just like my mum and dad, keeping it all a secret from me. Fuck them, I hate them, this is too fucking hard, too fucking painful. I am hating myself so much, I don't care that I like my hair, that's on the outside, my insides are fucking rotten and I hate myself beyond words.
What a fucking awful few days it has been. Too much! All to overwhelming for me. Problem after problem, everything breaking down and going wrong. I fee really fried inside, burnt out. Listening to my children's feelings as well as my own has totally done me in over the past few days, there is just so much going on, bad stuff, pain, and I cant cope with it, I feel like I am close to breaking down. I must have felt like this as a child listening to mum and dads shit, being overwhelmed by it all because I cant fix it. I did feel like that with them, I know it. I always felt like I had to make them happy again and fix the problem and I feel like this with my own children but I cant fix anything, I am not capable, I am to fucked.
Everything has been thrown at me over these last few days, crazy stuff and I am shit scared of it all. Shit scared of my children's feelings, and my own because I cant make them any better, I cant change them or make them go away, just how it was with mum and dad. It's so scary being surrounded by fearful feelings, I feel crushed by everything, I cant cope with anything. I am scared of everything, really scared. It's all so chaotic, frenzied in my mind because I cant do anything about anything, I cant make it better for anyone. I feel so scared if life and people, I feel so scared of feelings, they overwhelm me yo much. I cant fo anything about them but Express.
Today has gone back to being calm again. lots of feelings still but not so crazy like it has been. I felt really bombarded with feelings, to much for me, I couldn't cope and today my son rang me to see if I felt calmer and less overwhelmed and I do. I told him all about it. I have been expressing how much I cant cope to Mother and Father, I cant, it is to much for me. I cant cope with my children's feelings, it is like having to cope with mum and dads feelings and I couldn't do it then and I cant do it now. I must have pretended I could deal with all my parents were going through but I now know I couldn't because how I am feeling now, like I cant cope with anyone's feelings, they are to much for me and I am seeing that now. I cant cope with my own feelings, they are to overwhelming, that is the truth of how I feel. I have been having waves of dizziness again and I have noticed I get this when I want to run away, shut down from life, I get dizzy, like I am going to pass out because my feelings and life is to much for me so I want to shut down, escape, run away which is what passing out is, denying it all, putting my head in the sand and my fingers in my ears like none of it can get to me. It all gets to me and I feel panicked and overwhelmed by all feelings. I am scared of my feelings and what they will do to me, they are to powerful and they might kill me just like my parents feeling were to much for me, annihilating me out of existence. It is all to much and I don't feel like I can cope and it has taken me many years to get to this truth about myself and now, as I write this, I want to cry with the release of the truth, I cant cope with it all and I thought I had to. I thought I couldn't show any weakness of not being able to cope, I had to deal with it.
Can I just tell you all out there, I CANT COPE WITH LIFE, WITH MY FEELINGS OR OTHERS FEELINGS. I needed to say that because it is hard to admit, it is weak and pathetic not being able to cope and all my growing years I thought I had to but my body was telling me I couldn't. I have been wracked with panic disorder, and anxiety and illnesses that have nearly killed me because I was pretending I could cope but today, finally and because of this recent build up in pressure, I can say that what is has been truing to tell me is that I never have been able to cope and \I shouldn't have had to. I was a child and they put it all on me until I believed I had to be strong for them and everyone else, I mustn't show how scared I was and am. I AM SO FUCKING SCARED ALL THE TIME. I cant cope in life and I am scared, very frightened of feeling bad and any one else feeling bad because I cant do anything about it, I cant fix it for them and I have always felt I am the one who has to fix it for everyone like it was my super power, "I am FIX YOU girl" well, I am not I cant do anything about anyone's bad feelings, I want to shut off from them because I cant cope with hearing them, not even my children's and it is only in the last few days that I now know that truth. It is not up to me to do it, to heal anyone and I always thought of myself as a healer, the great listener but that is only because my parents made me be that for them. I am not that, I cant help anyone, it is all to much and I now want to strip myself of all of that bullshit that my parents wanted me to be. I don't want to be that all I want is to hide myself away and be true to how much I cant cope, I am now allowed to totally crumble as I always wanted to do but wasn't allowed to. I am weak and I want to be weak, I am a rubbish listener, it is just who I thought I had to be but I am not it, I am scared to listen to you or anyone, even my kids and their feelings scare the shit out of me because I don't know what to do about them. I cant fix them. I fucked them up and I cant do anything about it.
I am scared of everything, going out in the car, going shopping, going into town, talking to the neighbours, cutting the hedges, the whole lot I am scared of doing because it all gives me bad feelings that I cant cope with and I am so scared of being overwhelmed, it feels like it is going to kill me the terror of my feelings.
Through the ups and downs of my everyday life I can see how it was for me as a child. My life as an adult is reflecting and telling me the truth of how it was for me. The anger and frustration is the anger and frustration I felt as a child only now, I am allowed to Express it. It is all there right in front of me, I am being it, the denied and repressed child, I have always been it.
I am still doing all the things I did as a child to be loved, to get attention from my parents only now I do it with e very one as everyone is them to me. It has all been a plea to be loved and now I see it.
I find that I cant stop doing those things I do to be loved, I am so compelled to do them to get the results I need, to get the feelings I need to feel. If anything I am worse than I have ever been and I cant stop. I feel like a runaway train most of the time and get angry that I am still doing all I need to do to feel loved. It's so fucking frustrating to be aware of how fucked up I am and not being able to do anything about it, just let it happen and feel how it makes me feel.
I really feel like I am getting worse and I am seeing the truth of my poor state of being, through being so bad. It is a complete smash in the face for me to know the truth of how bad I am. I have spent my life trying not yo be this person, lying my way through life, pretending I am nice and good but my thoughts and feelings are not nice and good, I am a complete hypocrite who is to scared to be the truth of my evilness incase everyone hates me and I cant bare the attack if you really knew what was going on inside me.
I wasnt allowed to Express how I truly felt as a child, I wasn't allowed to be honest about my feelings, it was bad to say how I felt so I had to lie to be liked, to be thought of as a nice and good person like some fucking doormat for everyone. But this is how my parents wanted me to be, a nice polite girl that everyone liked and could compliment mum and dad on what great and well mannered children they had. It was all for them, we had to put on the show for them so they could be thought of as good people in control of their children, obedient children, respectful. It just made me into a fucking sick doormat. I was a doormat for them so I was a doormat for everyone. Now I am scared to be any different.
It's all so wrong, every day i am being more my wrongness, something new comes up in the way i am being and i have no control over it, i am so driven by this unseen force to be like this more and more so i am being and seeing the truth of myself and their is no escape, I cant stop it. I tell myself not yo eat any biscuits or chocolate and it is all forgotten in the very next second and I am eating again, what the fuck! I might as well give up telling myself anything, my feelings are to strong where as my mind used to me the strongest and I could stop myself eating, I did it for 50 years, let my mind control me. Now my feelings want it all, so I am saying yes to myself and cant stop it.
I am worried about money again. I am fucking shit scared as I watch my bank account going down and down and no money going into it. What the fuck do I do? Get a job I hear you all scream, just like my parents would say to me but it's not that easy. I cant do it, I have tried and my soul is so opposed to it, I am so not wanting to go back into work, I cant tell you how wrong it feels to do something against my will. I have done it all my life and it has fucked me up. I am scared shitless of going back to those soul destroying mornings of waking up and dragging my self to do something I dont want yo do. I dont know what to do. I want someone to tell me, to get me out of this fear of not knowing what will happen yo me. I am so scared. So so terrified of my future and losing everything.
No one will save me and that is what I want, to be saved so I dont have to be scared any more. I am so afraid and wish I was a child again being looked after. Not having any responsibility and letting mum and dad take it all from me. I am scared of being in charge of my own life without anyone to save me, no parents, no husband, no one just me and I dont feel I am capable, I will fuck it all up, lose everything.
The fear I am feeling is do deep. I feel like I am dreading the future, dreading every time my bank statement comes in and I see the money dwindling away. I used to be able to make money but now I cant fo anything and I am scaredfo myself and my daughter. I love my home so much and dont want to lose it all.
Shit I dont know what to do, the fear of running out of money is huge in me. I am so fucking terrified of not being able to pay my Bill's, rent, car etc it scares me to be so out of control, to lose the lot. I want some miracle to happen so I will be saved having to feel bad. I want my parents to intervene so I dont have to feel bad just like they always did. Took the bad feelings away, didn't let m feel them but now they are all coming to get me and no one is going uo save me.
It is just down to me, I feel so alone with everything. I feel so overwhelmed with the impending doom that is coming. Money will make it all better, I will be happy then. I am just the same as my parents always worrying about money, never having any, always so poor.
I am so fucking scared about what will happen to me. Fuck I am scared and I feel like I cant change anything. I cant make it all ok for myself. I fucking hate God for not helping me, letting me go through this alone, knowing how afraid I am. I dont and cant trust God to save me, they will watch me go through it and let me suffer as they are doing. I fucking hate them, they are useles parents to me. I font even know if they are there, I cant trust them.
I am feeling so deeply disappointed in life, my life. Today I have been crying a lot with the feelings of such let down and with it comes memories of me being a child and seeing a beautiful doll, Cinderella. She was in a shop window all glittery and beautiful and I wanted her so much, I told my parents, they knew that every time we walked passed the shop, I wanted her but I never got her. I can remember the fantasy I had built up about having her, something so beautiful. Such a let down to never get her and I have always loved glittery things since then and bought them for myself because I never got that doll.
The disappointment is the same today, I feel gutted inside, such loss and so much lack of not having things the way I wanted them, such expectations and them never coming to fruition. Shit what deep grief I feel. I am still wanting that doll at 5 years old, that child is still me wanting life to be beautiful and glittery, wanting to be Cinderella, yes, I wanted to be that doll and tried to be but it always ended in the biggest fall and disappointment.
Today I feel crushed that things are such a let down, so hard and disturbing. I feel so crushed under the disappointment as all of my fantasies fall away and none of them were true, all just dreams that cant come true.
I can never be anything more than what my parents made me and every time I try, I come back down to nothingness. Nothing good ever lasts very long, I may get a taste, then its gone, it cant last and it is all so disappointing. I feel so fucking crushed today, so empty and hollow and sad that my childhood fantasies have all passed away as untruths because I hate the truth so much. I wanted to be something, show them all I was worthy but I am nothing, I am what they made me and its all such a let down.
Still feeling so much disappointment in everything, nothing turned out like I wanted it to. What does it leave me with? Boring, uninteresting life with no excitement. I want excitement, I always have but never got it. I am so bored and dissapointed, completely let down.
I am a terrible Mother. At the moment I feel like I cant cope with my children's pain. I am fucking useless to them and I wand to put y head into the sand but I pretend to be attentive and listen to them when inside I am screaming I don't know what to do for you and I never did. I feel so useless as they tell me about all of their pain, I cant help them. I can listen but inside me is screaming for them to go away, not bring me their problems because I don't know what to do about them. I want to take all of their pain away but I cant.
I have been pretending to myself that I want them to pour it all out to me, I want to hear it all from them, I was kidding myself because just lately the true voice inside me is now being heard and it is saying, "Oh no, I don't know what to do for them". They are talking it all out to me but I have no idea what to do about it, I cant do anything, I am just an empty void for them with nothing to give them. They tell me of all their pain. the pain I passed on to them and I don't want to fucking hear it, that's the truth. I gave it to them and I dumped it all on them and turned my back on them, what a fucking shit of a Mother. Now I cant do anything for them, by default they have this shit set inside of them and their lives are playing out to it all, its not their fault.
I feel soul destroyed right now, I see what is going on with them and I just have to let it play out and it is soul destroying to watch it. It is like being made to watch a rerun of my younger self and not being able to give myself an advice or say "No don't go that way" I cant get involved, I cant interfere with them, I just have to let them go ahead and take the experiences and be here for them for the fallout. There is literally nothing I can do but watch the mess I have made and curl up and die every day as I feel the pain of what I have done to them. The crazy thing is, no one in the outside world would see any of it as being bad, it is all what is going on in every family and what every parent calls 'LOVING' and it is fucking bullshit, its not Loving at all it is evil. NORMAL PARENTING IS EVIL PARENTING.