I'd like to ask you Sam, when you felt all the anger at feeling unloved by their laughing at you and not caring about you, did you get angry with them? Do you express all your feelings of hurt, pain and rage to them, or do you do that by yourself? I'm curious as to how you go about dealing with such deep feelings with others who aren't actively doing their healing like you are (am I right in that?) and are with you in your more intimate personal life.
And thank you for posting your experiences, they help me a lot seeing how many similarities there are with all I've been through - and am still going through. And they always trigger off more in me, even though I've seen all my main issues now, still there are so many aspects to them all. And the more truer I'm becoming the more I'm able to see them, and see them in what you post.
I told them I was hurt by their unloving response and my son was full of remorse and said that he would have felt the same if the situation was reversed and I was glad he thought of it in that way. I went to my private place and wrote all about my pain and anger and cried until I had expressed all. I have to let them know when they have been unloving and they let me know when I have been unloving and we all talk about it together but sometimes they are not up for it so I let it go until they come to me and ask for help which they do all the time. Both of my kids are a true reflection of me and what I have taught them to be and I very often feel that I have committed a double sin in hurting me first and then them so I am healing the pain I have and the way I have used that pain to project it onto them so my healing is double most times, it never ends. I am now showing them the way through living it every day so it will become natural to them or at least give them a beginning and a place to start from when they are ready to go forward on their healing journey, if ever, I will not interfere. Trevor is another invaluable reflection of how I am being and never lets me forget and now I always know when I have treated him or the kids unlovingly because I feel it by his actions or he will tell me as I tell him, I now know that if I don't get the response I wanted it is because he is reflecting how I have been to him and I have caught on to this very quickly and it hurts as I have hurt others, so I learn so much about myself from them and what my unlovingness has attracted to me for me to see the truth of how I am. I have attracted all the right people into my life for my healing reflection, I understand that now and find it invaluable because I receive the deep repressed feelings I need to feel, the people around me are the ones I need to help me reveal the truth of how unloved I feel, as all the people in my life have been. I don't feel I need to express my anger and rage onto anyone for my healing, I just need to be by myself and feel it all, they are not on the same path as me so it would all be pointless, I say what I need to say to them and then express it all out of me with my Mother and Father, they are all I need, with their help I can feel the release every time. With myself and Trevor we both have different ideas and we talk intensely about healing and I have felt intense frustration that I am not heard by him with reference to childhood repression and its what our adult lives are all about now, healing that, but we are on different paths so it always ends in frustration and agreeing to disagree but he still brings me so much to know about myself so we have a healing relationship that brings up so many childhood feelings in me. Some times, most times I feel I am the only one that is on this trip, me against the world (and those on the forum) I don't expect anyone to understand me any more, I am reversing all I know and who would want to do that, its so scary but there is no other way for me, this is my life and nothing will change that, ever. My only desire is to reveal the truth of myself through my feelings, I feel like I have found my true destiny, I know I have.
I had a wonderful talk with a customer of mine yesterday, she wanted to speak to me about feelings and in particular, Jealousy, as she suffers really badly with this problem and it is affecting her relationship and she told me that no matter what she tries, nothing works so she asked me if I knew of anything that could help her, like a crystal or something. I began to explain that there is no need for looking outside of herself for the answers and if she wanted some help I could talk to her. I felt her desperation and we sat down and talked. The great thing is I had been looking at my own jealousy and how this has impacted my relationships and it wasn't until I confronted my feelings that I realised how much of a problem I had with this, never thinking it was a real problem for me but now, by confronting my feelings that I had denied about this, I can see how ugly I have been. I was so glad to have had the chance to speak with this woman, at this time, because it helped me see so much more about myself and my denied jealousy, I asked Mother and Father for help to bring this evil emotion up within me, and I was sent this lady with the same injury, so we talked for two hours, in the shop about this and so much more. We both worked our feelings back to our childhood and both our Dads having other women and Babies with other women whilst being married and having children within that marriage and the feelings we discussed were of not being good enough or feeling that we were bad children that our fathers had to go off with other women and leave us, his bad, naughty unliked family to go and have a new one with someone else. I asked her had she ever seen her sister by this other woman and she said no. I asked her how did she feel about this other child her father had and she said all through her life she had wondered if her unknown sister was more clever than her, if she was better than her, if she was prettier than her, if she was thinner than her and we came to the conclusion that she never felt worthy compared to the other child and her mother had never felt worthy compared to the other woman and she understood and was amazed to discover where her jealousy had come from with men, it came from her feelings of unworthiness and rejection at her Father for choosing to have another family and she never connected her jealousy with this event that happened so long ago but I knew because of my own experience of the same sort of thing. I let her do all the work and just kept asking her how does it feel now, right now, how do you feel about all we are speaking about and she said it feels like an opening of a very old wound but the feelings were just as raw and she felt like that hurt child again, the pain way rising up for her to accept, express as we were doing and she actually felt the truth come up within her, it was a beautiful meeting James, I had understood this within my own journey but to see the revelation of truth in another is a gift. To see someone in so much pain and in so much fear of losing a relationship through jealousy and being able to help her to understand where it came from, there was no feeling like it, I felt divine love flow through me as I was speaking to her and as I felt this I knew I was doing ok with her, my mother and Father were telling me. She truly understood the cause of her jealousy and she said it feels right, and it felt like it was leaving her as she felt the truth as I did, a wonderful moment and very emotional, I was so pleased to be a part of helping her to find the truth from within herself, within her feelings just being a gentle guide to show her how and then letting her do the rest and she was very open to me talking about doing it all with the help of Mother and Father, to ask for their help, we being their children and they wanting to help us all they can. This is a very sketchy outline of what we talked about but it was wonderful for us both and for me to feel the Divine Love flow from Mother and Father was beyond words for me. I could feel how light she felt compared to when we began talking and she gave me a loving hug and asked me how much I wanted for the healing. I declined any payment and it never even entered my mind, all I wanted was to help her understand how she can help to better understand her feelings through the truth of her feelings and to feel that beautiful freedom of release when you reach a truth. I cant put in words the love I felt whilst we were speaking and the two hours felt like 10 minutes for us both but it was just two hours of speaking from the heart, something that was very new to her but she discovered how much there is to be learnt about ourselves from the truth of our feelings.
Last Edit: Mar 4, 2015 5:02:40 GMT 10 by samantha9
Samantha, thank you for posting your experience with the woman in your shop. You say you are posting hoping to help others, and as you helped that woman, and as I’ve said before, so you’ve helped me.
Over the years through my healing I have wondered about my being able to talk with people like you did with that woman in your shop, helping them to look to their feelings, express them, and uncover their truth. But now because of what you wrote, and because of the fact that you did it, it worked for you, it actually happened, whereas I have not done it, it’s never worked for me, it never happened, even when I tried to make it, I now know that it’s not for me.
Marion used to see people in weekly sessions trying to help them work through feelings that came up through the week, but gave it up, knowing how she was doing it back then wasn’t what she wanted to do. And, what I realised today, secretly in the back of my mind I have wanted to be able to help people this way, or more truly, that I’ve believed I should be able to help them, turning that belief into a desire which is false, all with my mind and all against my actual feelings.
My feelings are really telling me that I don’t want to sit and try and help people work through their stuff, that’s the truth; and in saying that I then believed that I was being mean, selfish, uncaring, unloving, and even not doing what God wants or expects me to do. That I am reneging on my responsibilities, I am writing about all this stuff, people will surely come wanting help, and I am meant to help them, in this way like you did with this woman, but I don’t want to. So having admitted the guilt and shame of not being the ‘nice person’ because I don’t want to help people this way, so I can now move on feeling free of this unnecessary responsibility, because no one, not even God, is actually saying I have to do such work helping other people. It’s all come from stuff my parents and family made me believe was right to do.
There’s lots more to it of course, all do to with mum and Gran, but I don’t want to write about that. Lately I’ve not been able to write anything. My brain is going through some change, it hurts if I think too much and I've not been feeling well; I’ve been having to sleep a lot through the day, whilst lots of deeper psychological aspects of my relationship with my parents have surfaced. I’m moving into yet deeper understanding about the value of things - such as my healing - taking time, and even a long time by my standards and judgements. And that there was so much that happened between myself and mum and dad on such subtle levels all through my upbringing, and that it will no doubt take a very long time for me to change and adjust enough in my mental and feeling awareness and perceptions to see, connect and understand it all.
So once again I am humbled by the enormity of it all, all that we’ve all been subjected to without having any idea; and by the fact that we can heal it all, we can slowly awaken to the whole truth of all we’ve been subjected to.
Thanks for all you have wrote. The way that it happens for me is I have found that people come to me through the shop, it all happens so naturally for me in the flow of conversation and people have been coming back to find out more and I love it happening in this way, naturally without any expectation or having to plan or book times to see people, that would not work for me and I would not enjoy it as much as when it all flows so naturally and I have found that when I am speaking with people in this way, no one else comes in the shop even if it is two hours later, there is never interruptions. I have found that after the glow of our communication has dimmed I begin to feel doubt and guilt creeping in and I have to express this because I feel like I am now in trouble and have done something bad as I always felt if I ever tried to speak and express the truth of how I felt as a Child so I go back into that child like feeling of pain and guilt at what I have said, and who do I think I am to speak in this way to these people, what do I know about anything, all I need to know is what Mum and Dad tell me, I listen to them, not have other listen to me because if its not as Mum and Dad would say then its all wrong and they would not want to hear this so I shouldn't be saying it to any one else. Me speaking to people about their feelings and finding the truth of them has brought up all of this for me so I am healing even deeper about my unworthiness of being able to help anyone. I read about Marion having meetings with people and helping them and I also have done that a couple of times only, but I don't feel right, I feel like a therapist and client and it just doesn't feel natural for me to speak like this, it feels like to much expectation on me and they want me to have all the answers for them and that is not what it is about, they still want to be parented, and I feel that they also expect a reading of some kind and now I only want to speak with people in a more fluent, natural way so I don't take any appointments and when people phone me I just ask them to pop into the shop whenever they can and we will talk. Meeting One to One has also brought up many fears for me of confrontation, I am still very scared of people and I express different aspects of this fear every day through being in the shop, the shop has been the biggest help to my healing as it confronts me with healing opportunities in every moment compared to when I was at home and not having as many of my pains triggered. Through having the Granary I am attracting everything I need to heal through the denied feelings in my soul, everything that remains denied is being shown to me and some days it is relentless but only what I have asked Mother and Father to show me, I can now see the condition my soul is in by what is happening around me, what I am attracting, who I am attracting all for me to see my souls condition and I find it so incredible and so clever all led by my feelings so I can heal, it is truly incredible and as you say James I am humbled by the enormity of it all and all we have been subjected to is being brought to us in every moment, in every event of our lives and its all our adult lives are about, having events brought to us to reveal our repressed childhood feelings.
Recently my healing has been followed by bouts of intense terror. Todays episode was almost unbearable and I was in such a state I thought I was going to pass out. My body has been going into states of panic and terror which begins with extreme dizziness, then shaking and heart pounding out of my chest it is all so terrifying but I understand this is the extent of the terror in me that needs to be expressed so all I can do is sit with it and feel it fully which is so incredibly hard to do when all I want to do is to run away from it, do something to stop it, distract myself in some way instead of doing what I have to do, want to do and that is to feel it fully until it subsides.
I feel I am in a very scary place and very alone with it, no one can make it all better for me or relieve me of my pain as Mum would have done, tried to make it go away some how. I know this is a good thing that is happening to me but I am so terrified of the feelings and this has been my problem all through my life, I am terrified of feeling, terrified of the pain.
As I chip away at more and more of my false self I am exposing such a deep fear of living without my false self, living without my parents control, my mind. This is like my safety all being taken away, its what I have known all my life and now parts of it are being exposed as lies and leaving me and this is like my safety net being taken away and I feel like I am going to die without it. I am truly scared, petrified of deconstructing my false self, I am so scared of the new feelings I am feeling, they terrify me like never before all of my safety is being stripped away and I feel I have nothing to replace it with, what is on the other side of my false, trusted self. yes, I have trusted my false self to keep my alive in my bubble of untruth all these years, it has been my life now I am chipping away at it and my terror is being revealed to me about how scared I am to be me, its so risky, its not safe, I don't know it, I am feeling so odd, like I have slipped out of myself and I am just observing it all.
I am so intensely afraid of not being who I have been built to be by my parents. I am no longer liked by anyone, they all say I have changed for the worst as I am no longer the person they once knew and they don't want to see me any more. My parents don't understand where all of this is coming from despite numerous conversations with them, they blame me for causing pain to them and my Dad has decided to no longer see me or come into my house because I told him the truth about how scared I am of him and always have been, he said I have hurt him deeper than he thought anyone ever could and Mum askes me why I am doing this and that I have to make it right with Dad, none of which I can do, nor do I want to. And those closest to me have recently told me that they feel very sad for me and they miss the relationship we once had, to which I replied 'But none of it was true'. None of them want me to be me, none of them get me any more, I am no longer the person they want me to be and they blame me for this and cant see the error in that and how they never really loved me any way because they just wanted a person they could manipulate and control and bend to do their will, never caring a dam about me and my will.
It was so easy living in that false life, all of us being false together, each of us conforming to each others falseness to keep everyone happy and not rocking anyone's boat, now I have fucked it all up for everyone because I wanted out of all that crap and to become true, now I am hated and am the one to blame for being awful, being true. I have revealed all the untruth in their lives not by pointing it out to them but just by living true to my feelings and they hate me because I am no longer in their gang, I am outcast.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I am very alone with it with no support or love from anyone, they all want me to pull myself together and come back to them, be the good old Sam they groomed me to be, what has happened to their creation, she's going mad. I will never go back, I cant, I don't want to, I have crossed the line and want to be the black sheep. But it is still the hardest thing \I have ever done in my life when I know that I could go back and have all the safety of a life of untruth and everyone would be happy again, except me. No that will never happen I am at a crucial point now where the terror is ramping up for me and it is a turning point to see whether I go through with it and continue feeling through it or turn around and go back. Today I felt petrified at what was occurring in my body and how the fear was expressing itself in me but I want it out, and the more I accepted it, which was so hard to do in that state, the more it begun to subside instead of what I used to do which was my flight or flight response and do all I could to deny it, not feel it, use my mind to avoid it all and distract myself from feeling. Now I am accepting it all and feeling it and asking for Gods help. Its a terrifying time.
I can feel it all slipping away from me, everything and I feel like I am dying inside and am hanging on by a claw. It all feels so unsafe, so alone and so terrifying now. I am truly feeling my fear of the world and my fears of being my true self in this world and how no one wants you when you are living true to your feelings, when you are no longer their puppet and they have no strings to pull. I feel sick inside.
Sam, Marion thinks your determination to keep going, staying true to what you feel and what you want to do, is amazing. To stand up to them all, to all of it, saying no, that’s no longer for you. And yes, I think you are amazing too being so strong in your conviction wanting first of all to keep having things to do with your family - parents - and then to work through their reaction and rejection of you, whereas I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t see I’d have the strength or wherewithal so just such the door on the them right from the outset with the last thing being over all these years that I’d want to go back and expose myself to their negativity.
And when I read about your terror, the whole shakiness, dizziness, heart-pounding panic, oh shit that makes me start to panic as well. I don’t know how you can go through it all so intensely, I am such a whimp, I feel spasticated by it as soon as I feel the slightest fear. Reading what you’ve said is enough to give me the complete willies.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
My body is rejecting all good and healthy food, every time I eat my healthy Vegan food, my body is rejecting it instantly and when I eat fatty, comfort food, my body keeps it, loves it, craves it. My denied and repressed feelings need comfort food to keep them supressed so they don't have to be felt and when I eat my healthy vegan food my feelings are so challenged, I am so missing out on what my emotions need to sooth them so my body chucks out the vegan food and keeps the stodge, chocolate, biscuits, bread because it stops me feeling my emotions.
I have been in pain and suffering for weeks now as to why my healthy or vegan diet is now effecting me and its because it doesn't agree with my feelings that need soothing with comfort food so as soon as I eat raw, healthy food, I am on the toilet. I have done the experiment, and my body is kept in denial and suppression when I eat all the foods I am addicted to because they stop me feeling bad and when I stick to my healthy vegan diet, my body rejects it because it is having a tantrum because my feelings are not getting what they want, stodge.
I have worked it out through experimenting with my feelings of how it feels when I eat vegan or healthy and how I feel when I eat fatty comfort foods and what my body does in response to those foods. When I eat comfort, yummy foods I don't have to feel all the feelings I feel when I don't eat them and eat vegan, My comfort food numbs me, calms me, quietens me, wraps me up in a blanket of denial and suppression, when I eat vegan or healthy I feel so much pain, discontent, missing out, loss, anger at not having and so much more and my feelings want it out of me instantly.
I am now sticking with my vegan healthy foods and accepting, expressing and finding the truth of all the pain I am feeling, it would be so easy not to have pain I just have to eat comfort foods and I am ok but that is not feeling the causes, that would be more denial. I am Going along my constant stomach pains as my body wants to reject the food that doesn't pander to my compulsions. Feeling all the fears of going out or eating anything when I am out as my body doesn't care where I am when it wants to reject what I put in it. I am in a lot of fear about being humiliated and a lot of fear about the severity of the pain in my stomach. Feeling it all and asking God to be with me and help me feel, it is so hard, so, so, so very hard.
Hi Sam, your post helped me bring to light more of my fear. By saying you are in such pain and suffering terribly, my immediate reaction was to say, why are you punishing yourself so heavily, why be so hard on yourself, what’s wrong with trying to comfort yourself and make yourself feel better. And then to even being angry - it’s not right, stop making so much fuss, stop making so much noise, stop all this carry on, putting yourself through such misery - STOP IT.
And it was as if the words you wrote were yelling at me, and I can’t stand the noise, the screaming, yelling, shouting, and even if it’s about good things. But especially yelling about bad things.
And once again it’s mum yelling at me and everyone and Gran saying - she never yelled - to mum to stop it, stop upsetting everyone, including herself Rosemary. So it’s Gran saying it’s wrong to be in and express such pain, it doesn’t do anyone any good, it makes us all feel upset and bad, and that’s the last thing we want - to feel upset and bad. So I’ve been able to feel and see again from where my bad feeling expression was stopped.
And in discussing your post and my reaction to it with Marion, it helped me see that I’ve no idea how another persons Healing might be. The other person has to do what they feel, and if it’s not right, so their feelings in time will show them, as they have for myself. And that no one knows what is right or wrong (for ourselves let alone another person), we can’t, we can only feel, and of course it’s all highly subjective because we’re coming at it from the wrong end of the stick and we have nothing to go by.
And then I realised that I think the Healing will be something that evolves, it of itself being such a huge thing will require the input of masses of people’s healing experiences for anyone to gain any real understanding of what’s actually going on and how it might be for someone new who’s coming into it. And for us, we have no idea, we’re the experiments we’re conducting on ourselves.
For myself I can’t stand any pain for more than two seconds. My stomach plays up and that’s that, I don’t eat that food even if it means I eat all the stuff that I think is bad for me. I wanted all that chocolate and got up to eating three blocks a day and then my stomach had a fit and I couldn’t do it anymore. And then I thought I’d eat more fruit, I felt like it suddenly and I’ve never really been big on it. But now I can’t any of it after lunch, and I can’t eat it by itself, I feel too strange in my whole body. And perhaps that strangeness is actually a good thing, but I can’t force my way to keep going like you are able to do. So I’ve backed off tending to eat it for breakfast and that seems to suit me better for the time being.
I was reading about eating certain foods the other day, and I didn’t know that if you just ate rabbit you got very sick very quickly because the meat is so lean, and that we need to have a certain amount of fat. And I was reading about getting that fat and all else solely from plants, and then also about some people advocating a total raw diet including all sorts of raw meats, most of which I couldn’t even begin to look at let alone consider eating.
We don’t eat meat, only eggs, but still grains - organic rye bread is our staple, few veggies and a little fruit. We’ve for about a year now had an avocado for breakfast we share depending on how big it is, something that used to be a treat as they were so expensive and something we both liked but never really loved like we do now. And the price varies, it’s one of our ‘luxuries’. Our diets have changed throughout our Healing, mostly we ate the same things but that’s now changed too. And we’ve tended to have a major change then stay eating the same foods for years, then another major change.
And the notion that we’re really to eat nuts (seeds) and fruit sounds good as it is not hurting any creature or plant to get the food, but gee I can’t see it for myself. I have no idea about the whole food thing. I just ate, and used to eat anything and everything, it all being a comfort and a way to have some power - I could EAT it. But thats all changing and I’m having to slowly accept like you said that my relationship with food is just as wrong as my relationship with everything else, that it started off completely for all the wrong reasons. My Healing seems to be on ‘go-slow’ compared to how intensely you go into things. I plod along a bit this way, a bit that, then back again and then let’s go over it all again... and again... and once again for good measure.
I hate being supermarket-dependent. I wish I could live by growing all my own food, but then my body is so fucked and stiff currently I can hardly bend over and pull out some of the grass around the house. So there’s no way I’d be able to tend to a food garden.
And then none of that matters to me anyway, for what’s really giving me the shits is the fact as I’ve said lots of times before, about not being able to have a good relationship with Marion or anyone. I’m still seeing how I am taken over by the other person, I become them, I speak as if I am them - as if I’m mum or Gran. And so when I speak it’s them and not actually me, the real me doesn’t speak. And so being them I never remember what I say, because who cares, it’s them saying it, not me. The psychology of it makes my head hurt, but understanding is slowly coming as the knot unravels.
So I’ve said things to Marion which she remembers, but I don’t, so then I say them again, often years later and she gets angry because I’m treating her like I don’t know her, like she’s a visitor, someone I’ve just met. And that’s because it’s not really me speaking to her, it’s mum or Gran. So they speak and I listen and forget what they’ve said, then when I come around to saying it again, I speak, but it’s still them, and I listen and forget and Marion gets angry.
I wish I could just feel myself and my feelings, express them, and know it’s me and that I’m connecting with Marion, and that’s the end of it. And I expect her to respond accordingly, which she does, and then I can move on knowing we’ve shared this between ourselves. And if it should come again, then I can speak knowing that we’ve been over it before, that we’ve made the connection, that we’ve shared our thoughts and feelings on it, and I can include that knowing in my interaction with her. So she feels like I am with her, I am respecting her part in the relationship, I am acknowledging the connection, instead of how I am disrespecting her and the relationship not allowing for any continuity.
Please keep my posted Sam. I’d love to hear more about what you go through to do with it all.
Following on from what I wrote yesterday, I can see how I can’t really help anyone with their Healing in a hands on way. I’ve said this before, but like everything, it is becoming clearer. As soon as someone starts to show intense emotion and feelings, then I click into my programming which is to try and stop them. I was stopped and so I must stop other people, because if they are allowed to do it then it’s not fair. And they can’t do it anyway because if they do they too will get into trouble and be told not to.
So Sam, as I was saying, I couldn’t be with and encourage anyone to go with their bad feelings like you are able to do. It would make me feel too bad and I’d just keep trying to stop them. So I can perhaps write about the theory of it, and a little from my own experiences, but it’d not be much use face to face.
All the way through our Healing I’ve tried to stop Marion when she’s reached extreme (for me) feelings, I can’t just stay on my side and express my horror and fear at her doing so. My tolerance has risen over the years, but when she has not expressed any of her really bad stuff for a while and then suddenly does, still I click into automatic even shouting at her to stop as it’s making me feel bad and giving me the shits how she keeps expressing the same feelings endlessly and saying the same things. I want to scream - NO MORE, STOP IT, and she’s supposed to stop it just as I was made to.
So it’s bizarre that here I am telling people they should listen and allow and support and encourage the other person to go as far as they can with their bad feeling expression, and yet it’s the last thing I want and can tolerate. It sure is a case of do as I say but not as I do.
Marion says because of this I shouldn’t tell anyone anything. I should just keep it all to myself until at least my healing is finished and I know what I’m talking about, and by then I might be able to do what I think it’s all about. But I can’t not write about it, that is the same as me having to react every time when the bad or even good feelings get too intense.
So once again I want to qualify my writing and all I’m saying is the Healing and Divine Love Spirituality, that I still don’t know for sure if it is true and the right way for us to heal ourselves. It’s still ‘works in progress’. And as for what the Healing really is, and what it entails and how one should go about it, I’m not the right person to ask. I hope what I write can at least get someone on the right track enough for them to feel good about what they are doing, but as to whether or not that person is doing their Healing like I think they might be or should be, I have no idea, and probably wouldn’t still have any idea even if I were with them.
So Sam, you really are going it alone. I’m letting go of knowing anything about it even more. I had wished more people would do it and write their experiences on the forum so we could all get more of an idea as to how it affects us all and all the difference and similarities we might experience, but if that it ever to happen it won’t be for some time yet. And I know that possibly if Marion were to say how she sees it, she’d possibly say it differently to how I’ve said it. So again I want to qualify that all I’ve written about the Healing is simply how I see it. She doesn’t want any part of it. So anything anyone picks up about it is heavily influenced by how I see it; and so I guess what I’m trying to say is, if your healing - anyone who wants to do it, takes you into areas that seem to go against what I’ve said, then it’s not to say you might be wrong - I might even be wrong in my understanding of it.
These thoughts have been going around in my head lately as I’m stepping back the more familiar and understanding of it all I become. I can see that in my ignorance I blasted off into it... this the the New Way, this is what we all must do, but with time and experience, and perhaps even a little wisdom and maturity, I’m just easing off the pedal and coming back to accepting more the limitations of myself. And it’s not that I have changed my mind about any of it, not at all, in fact I feel more convinced and committed every day, but I don’t want to be ‘the great authority’ in case that’s the impression I’ve given... not at least until I’ve completed my Healing - ha, ha!
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I am not ignoring what you have written James, I am just going through a time of feeling whats the point, hopeless and empty. I really want to respond and I will, I totally understand how you are feeling.
I have woken up to the fact that my whole life and what I do in it is all addiction. I am feeling my feelings but I woke up the other day to feeling how pointless it all is when my whole life is just one big addiction, still avoiding the pain I really need to get to and going for the compulsions, the error that drive me. How hopeless am I feeling!!!! Like there is no hope for me at all, it all started off so well, feeling after feeling coming up and a realisation being felt but it was all only the tip of the iceberg, it was all just an intellectual awareness with a bit of feeling thrown in but the real stuff, the grief I need to get to hasn't even been touched yet and I feel bloody hopeless about it all. I am blocked to getting to the truth and causes of my deepest pain that all of my addictions are covering over, I am choosing them instead of feeling and I am so disappointed with myself, so let down at how rubbish I am. I thought I was doing good, feeling all my feelings but that is bull shit. I feel so powerless to feel anything at the moment and then I realise that I am very powerful, just in the wrong direction, in the direction of not feeling. I am using my will to not feel because I am choosing all of my addictions and compulsions because I don't want to feel what would happen if I don't choose them and everything in my life is an addiction, its all so hopeless to live like this. What I have been doing has only scratched the surface of my pain and I am selecting what I want to feel and what I don't and my addictions are showing me this is what I do. I am so scared of being overwhelmed by emotion that I am now blocked to so much feeling at the depth I need to heal for good and I know this is true because just when I feel I have felt something fully to its cause, my law of attraction hasn't changed at all, I get the same event or compulsion arise in me again for me to feel about and it is so despairing. There is so much that I just cant reach and I pray to God to help me but I don't get much of an answer because I have now worked out that God only answers me when I am in truth and I am not being true about wanting to feel the pain I need to feel because I am scared. I feel I am kidding myself and God knows this is true, I am getting what I truly desire and that is not to feel the depths of my pain and being very safe and selective about my healing so I am still comfortable to a certain degree, I can almost feel my cut off point when I am in a emotion, like, that will do Sam, that's enough now, you don't want to go to far because there is a place in me that I feel is beyond return and I am scared of that place and God knows that truth about me and wants me to go there but I am to afraid.
Please God help me, help me find the desire, courage, and will to go into the unknown places within me to heal. I am so scared, I feel so alone and so abandoned to do this on my own. I feel like I want Mummy and Daddy to do it all for me, make it all ok, take the pain away for me so I don't have to do it and be terrified, what will happen to me God? Will I survive?
I have reached a point in my healing, where to go to the next level I have to cross this bridge within myself and all I can see is darkness and I am scared of it. I am terrified of 'Nothing' being nothing, seeing nothing, hearing nothing what if there is just nothing and I have to go and see for myself if this is true.
I am an ADDICT, I have created a life of addiction so I don't have to feel fear and now that is all going, its got to go and I am terrified, what does the drinker do without his drink, what does the smoker do without his smoke, what does the druggy do without his drugs, what does the coffee drinker do when there is no coffee, I feel like that, In that desperation but with every aspect of my life and it all has to go because it all is what I have created so I don't have to feel my childhood pain, I have created a life of safety through my addictions and I have only just awakened to just how bad I am, I am an ADDICT and I feel so fucking hopeless because I do these things without even being aware of them and slowly I have become awakened to all of them and I feel hopeless because without them all that is left is PAIN and that is the pain I have to feel to heal. I cant choose them and choose God and there was me thinking I want a relationship with God when really I want a relationship with my addictions. Get fucking real Sam.
I have come to a state of hitting the spiritual wall, I cant go any further until I use my will in a different direction, I am very powerful at using my will in the wrong direction and that is keeping me from God and in my compulsive addictions, I want them more, and while I am choosing them, I have to be honest with myself about where my desires lay and I am gutted at that fact, that truth, totally gutted and feeling very sick inside that my addictions control me and I let them, by me choosing them instead of not and then feeling the feelings of not having them, that's the real pain that the addictions keep me from.
I am feeling very bad, worse than I have ever felt, so let down and very deceived by myself not wanting to face and accept the truth, I am delusional if I believe I can have a relationship with God and continue in my addictive life that is so against feeling and God. That is my block to God, I am using my will not to feel, not to go to the depths I need to go to so I can release my deepest pain and God knows that, God sends me back a feeling that says "Sam, these are just words you are saying to me, I cannot feel truth in them, when you are in a state of truth I can help you but your feelings are telling me you don't want to feel and I cannot go against what you truly desire and your desire is not to heal in this instance. I cannot go against and break my own laws of love and free will by helping you when you don't truly desire it, that would not be loving of me. Be true Sam, tell me how you truly feel, tell me that you don't want to heal in this instance and then I can help you find out why. I respond to truth Sam, be true with me and you will have all that you need."
I am in a real confused mess, on a precipice of truth and I cant go back but I am too scared to go over into the void of my feelings and the depths I need to fall into, I pray for faith and I am feeling all of my feelings about my lack of it. It goes on and on and on James, as you know. I fuck it all up then have a realisation about how I have fucked up and the truth comes to me, its a constant up and down like this, up and down, up and down. But I am fucked up, in a real mess and that is the truth so I will feel all I need to feel in this space of shitty, fucked up mess.
Marion: “Be what you are and don’t try to be what you’re not.”
Sam, I have been putting off writing more about all of this, I worry that I might interfere with your Healing, so I don’t know how much to say, and should I even say anything allowing you to work it all out for yourself, as surely you will, that I have no doubt of.
It’s interesting where you’re at, as what you’ve written above is exactly what I’m working on trying to understand about myself and how the whole ‘Healing thing’ works.
Anyway, I will write something - how can I not, so I hope it doesn’t interfere with you.
Marion thinks it’s all very good all you’ve said and all you’re going through, and that all you can do is to keep going as the way is through your own feelings whatever they are. Be what you are and don’t try to be what you’re not.
Acceptance seems once again the key issue here. Accepting your feelings as they are in each moment, expressing them, and seeking their truth - and nothing else. Which is easier said than done, at least for me, and I think for you too. Would I be right in thinking that you are believing and thinking you should be a certain way (which is not right, however it is right because that’s how you are), that you should be able to push deeper into your bad feelings and confront and deal with all the hidden pain, (which in theory is okay, but might not be in practice what the Mother and Father are asking of you or want you to do just yet or at any time). So all you can do is want to go deeper expressing your frustration that you can’t. You can’t MAKE yourself go deeper, which seems like you’re trying to do, by applying your will as you say, trying to make it go that way, into what you believe will help you, instead of it being focused on all the addictions and distractions - but how do you know what is right? We can’t know, and we’re not to, so you have naturally come up against a brick wall within you, which means, you can only fail in your will-assertion, because it’s not right. So you can only given in and give up and stop trying as hard, staying with the hopelessness, powerlessness and anger and frustration etc. of all you feel at this point being stopping from doing what you believe you should be able to do. And in those feelings the truth will come, as you’ve said.
For me, naturally when I understand that healing myself is to liberate all my repressed bad feelings, I want to apply my will diving myself deeper into bringing to light those feelings, and in one sense, this is what I have to do, but I also have to understand that I’m more than likely going to also fall into the trap of taking control - thinking I am, and that it’s right - using my mind to keep my will focused and helping it to drive it along. Then it becomes, often subtly and without my becoming aware of it, that I’ve taken over, yet again from my soul by using my mind, because that is how I’ve been programmed to be, doing the very thing I believe I’ve been trying not to do. And so when this understanding comes, than falling in a heap, admitting I’ve been controlling and expressing all those bad feelings that come up about how stupid I’ve been and how frustrating it is that I can’t drive my own Healing as I believed I should be able to.
Our Healing is up to our soul and the Mother and Father, it’s not for our minds to control, and yet as we’ve been programmed to completely control ourselves, so the greatest struggle with our Healing is becoming aware that we are controlling our Healing, when all we’re trying to do is give up that control. So we power on, like I think you’ve been doing, you really just being your parents telling you the child you should go deeper, that it’s not good enough just doing this surface work, so stop mucking around and get on with it, but that’s all only your mind telling you how you should be; because you don’t know how you should be, it might be that you never go deeper, that in fact there is no deeper to even go into, and that you won’t know if you are going deeper until you are deeper, and then see how you feel about that. Do you think this applies to you? I don’t know, I might be wrong and you are doing things another way for other reasons, this being the difficulty of commenting on another’s healing, so I’m finding out.
It’s what I wrote about the other day, coming up against these habits in myself that I can’t break. I too believed that surely there must be deeper reasons, more hidden feelings that would unlock the trauma that is making be have my compulsive behaviours. And Marion even said I should go and get help, a therapist who will break me down into those hidden recesses, and yet my feelings say no, stop, don’t go on that way, just give up, and fuck it, I’m going to have those compulsions forever as I can’t do anything to rid myself of them - that is, I can’t use my mind to dig them out and change my patterns. No, I can’t do anything, other than just keep expressing how angry I feel at not having that power, how miserable I feel being so powerless and at the mercy of my addictions. How weak and pathetic I am that I have no real say in my own life, how it’s all in someone else’s hands - my soul and God’s. That I am completely fucked, hate how I am, but really that’s okay, and so what, and if I can’t do anything about it, then I can’t, and accepting my limitations. And I know that all sounds also like all I was told, which it is, all to try and keep me in my place and to control me, but that’s all part of it for me, I AM CONTROLLED, and I can’t do anything other than keep expressing all the bad feelings I feel about it. I can’t change my control, that’s not up to me, so all I can do is keep going morking on about how bad I feel, longing for the truth and trying to stay true to each moment of my feelings, and doing nothing else.
And really I hate being this way the most, I detest it, I wish I wasn’t as I am, but I am, so feeling all how fucked I am and absolutely powerless to do anything about it, which only means, powerless to use my mind like I’ve been trained to change these aspects I don’t like about myself. But for all I know there might be very important reasons why I wank and bite my nails and over eat, one’s I’m not as yet aware of, and so that’s why I keep doing those things. So I am accepting that, but also accepting all my bad feelings about doing the things when I feel them, and still wanting to stop, but also fully acknowledging that I can’t stop them, they are stronger than me, my will is compromised, and that’s how I am, it’s the truth of my fucked-up state, which is what I’m trying to see, fully be, become self-realised in, all through my feelings. Just to allow myself to feel my misery and pain and not to even try and do anything to make them go away, just to keep trying to express the bad feelings of it when I feel them, and see what comes to light. And the truth does come as you’ve experienced, which is what you said happens when you too do it and what God said to you.
And Marion was saying to me... This is what having a cold is like (she suddenly got a runny nose and all blocked up), accepting having a cold - I am completely addicted to this way of living, and as much as I wish I wasn’t, I am, so step by step expressing all the feelings of being that way.
Hearing how the Father speaks to her (Sam) and what He says is how she hears the authority person, that she’s doing something wrong, is bad, but He’s not saying that, He’s just saying to keep going. He never tells us what to do, which is so good as He’s leaving it up to us to find out for ourselves through our own feelings.
Have to be true to ourself in the moment, NOT true to the idea of being true to oneself; for how can you know what that is when you’ve never been it. So being true to yourself is ONLY true to each feeling you are feeling, nothing else. And so resisting the minds influence.
This is what I’ve been meaning to write these past days. I’m sorry if it’s repetitive, but I’ve been trying to get my thoughts in order about it (and having re-read it, I don’t think it’s anything knew, I think I’ve just gone round in a big circle coming back to the same place). And although I’ve sort of addressed it to you Sam, it’s really me just thinking out loud for myself and everyone.
We’re all in an insane asylum, trapped, and I thought I could become perfect so as to function perfectly in the imperfection, like Jesus did; but are we, and maybe we’re to just live true to our imperfection, at least in the beginning and during what constitutes our ‘Healing’.
Will Sam give up being horrible to herself, will she stop and love and accept herself for being her fucked self? And are we to reach a point of loving our wrongness - we can’t do anything about it anyway, we didn’t do it, it’s in us, it doesn’t go away and we can’t stop hating it - moving to accepting it, feeling it fully through our feelings to such a point where we can even love it - love our wrongness?
Naturally, because we don’t know how else to be, we try to use our mind to help us do our Healing, which is wrong and part of what our healing is all about, ending that. And of course it’s not to go the other way using our mind to tell us we love all our wrongness and bad feelings, but to just keep staying true to our bad feelings, express them and trying not to do anything else. Yet if you have to do something else, then also doing that, pushing yourself by using your mind until you drive yourself into the dead end, with your soul and God saying no more, wrong way, stay here, fall in a heap, and now express all those bad feelings.
When we see the horrible parts about ourselves, naturally, which is also our programming, we want to stop being that way, we want to change ourselves into being a better person, and we don’t want to keep causing other people problems or ourselves with our unloving behaviour, but we then have to be careful that we’re not just allowing and wanting our mind to step in once again taking over trying to change ourselves. Because we can’t change ourselves that way, we’re just using our mind to make things worse for ourselves, our change has to happen on the soul level orchestrated by God, so without our having any say and control in it. And for that to happen, all we can do is remain true to the bad feelings, expressing all they make us feel, longing for the truth of them, and doing nothing else. So complaining that you feel so powerless and unable to change yourself, to express your anger and misery at your inability to have any say in your own life, to express whatever horrible feelings you feel when in your most powerlessness, this being how bad you felt when your parents crunched you and had power using their minds over you.
And when I say we have to accept our feeling bad, that too is to come ONLY through our feelings of its own accord. We’re not to use our mind to tell ourselves that we accept all the bad parts of ourself, and that as there is nothing we can do about them - so accept. No, we are to just allow it all to come naturally through our feeling expression so once again keeping our mind out of it. And our minds having been made to be in control, will keep trying to control, so we keep going off down one track thinking we’re doing the right thing, only to hit the brick wall, fall in heap and realise we were once again deluding ourselves. Countless times this will happen as we explore all the ways we control ourselves using our mind, from the biggest things in our life right down the smallest, even in what words we use and how we use them in your communication.
Our parents said, get rid of that you, and everyone, including yourself, will be happy. So we are supposed to stop doing those bad parts of ourselves and then we’ll be happy. So we’re supposed to apply our will and mind to perfect ourselves, ‘perfection’ being the subjective idea of our parents. All of which is using our minds to control our true feelings. So I have this bad habit, a compulsive addiction - masturbation, which I believe is wrong and I must do something to stop. So I am doing my Healing believing that will help me stop having the need to do it - one day.
And one of the biggest things that helped me with it is Marion’s acceptance of it, of bringing it and what I do out in the open and her not rejecting me for being perverted and bad as I believe I should be rejected. She doesn’t like it herself, but she understands I have a problem and is sympathetic. She expresses any bad feelings my doing it has brought out over time, but she doesn’t say I must stop it or else. Because it’s not her place to do so, it’s my business, she is not my parent. So she is on my side, feeling sorry for me having to do it and feeling so powerless to stop it, something which I’ve never had in my life. And through her example I’m slowly becoming more accepting of it myself, feeling my powerlessness in it, and stopping trying to use my mind to make myself stop. I want to stop naturally through my feelings, so when the time is right and I’ve expressed all it’s helping me express, and not when I think I should stop based on beliefs of it being wrong from my childhood.
I have to accept that it’s me, it’s all part of how I am and what I do. I still might not like it, but I also still love doing it when the pressure is on and that need to do it up in me. And this too I have to accept, learning how to hate and love something at the same time and feeling equally powerless in both states. And that’s okay, that it doesn’t have to be one way or the other. And to give myself time, eternal time if that’s what needed, and eventually I will live true because that is what I want. But it’s ‘true’ as determined by my feelings, whatever they might be, rather than true as in what I believe in my mind, what I’ve worked out to be ‘true’.
So it’s not that you are wrong doing it as you are Sam, for you have to find out for yourself, but understanding you are still only doing what your parents made you do, forcing you to go a certain way, making you apply your will against your true feelings. And when you can’t go any further, you stay there feeling as sick and bad as you do, feeling yourself as they failure, powerless, utterly fucked, which is right, for that’s how your parents’ force made you feel. So you stop fighting yourself, which is your parents fighting you, and you just stay true to those sick feelings and feeling you can’t go on, you’re at the end of it, you’ve got it all wrong, you’re fed up with being how you are, you wish you could just end it, all whilst longing for the truth. Which is right, your parents drove you repeatedly into a brick wall, and instead of you being allowed to feel all you felt, they forced you to get up and keep going in the other direction until you hit the next brick wall; so through your Healing your having to work back through all of those false directions hitting all those brick walls feeling all the terrible feelings you felt but weren’t allowed to express.
And one of those paths is being your own worst enemy, hating yourself more, so it would seem, than your parents hated you. But this is still you just being them, joining them in going against yourself. And you do this when you’re in the thick of those horrible feelings, but understanding that you’re still just being to yourself as they were to you. But still you’ve also got to be it, so you can feel it and see it all for yourself how it was that they so unlovingly treated you. And when you do, so you will hit the wall and stop, fall in a heap, as has happened numerous times, and which is meant to happen - has to happen; and then the truth comes because you’re giving in and stopping having the control over yourself, stopping being to yourself as your parents were to you; so loving yourself, being on your true side, being sympathetic and saying, that’s all okay, you tried to be like them and treat yourself as they did, and failed, failure is okay, and besides, it’s then being closer to your true self, because that’s the true you that your parents rejected and said was hopeless and a useless failure. The you they made you despise, is in fact the loving, kind-to-yourself, understanding and accepting you, that will help you make yourself feel better about yourself.
Your stomach pain is you as the child in agony, and your parents don’t care about you, they don’t even see they are causing you such pain. And you the child wants comfort food, and your parents say no, it’s bad for you. And it’s right that you wrestle with all of this, going this way and that, trying this and that, all so you can find out what is involved in all aspects of it - the truth of it, and how it all makes you feel. And eventually one would expect that you’ll get to the point of seeing that you’re just being your parents to yourself, and feel all the bad feelings that makes you feel.
And it’s all right, this being what I’m trying to say. I reckon nothing I’ve said is new to you, but I wanted to write it out again more for myself, rather than trying to tell you what you should do. So we’ve been parented against ourselves and we have to see the truth of that, see how it makes us feel - the truth through our feelings. And that is our Healing. Our Healing is not about trying to make all the bad things stop using our mind as we become aware of them, but to just accept we have them expressing all having them makes us feel, wanting to understand why we have them and how they came about, and knowing that because we do want to be true, when we’ve seen all we’ve needed to see, our soul and the Mother and Father will change us.
So we have to see all the thousands of ways we’re rejecting ourselves, accepting them all gradually, understanding this is us in our fuckedness, and that there’s nothing we can do other than keep expressing how it all makes us feel and how we feel about it all.
I put the toast on the plate the wrong way believing I’m to butter (we don’t use butter - I ‘Nuttelex’ it) it that way. But it makes me feel bad. I express all those bad feelings yet not trying to change how I’m doing it. And I uncover the truth of why I do butter it that way, as it was how I was taught to do it. But I don’t use my mind trying to work out alternative ways, I stay where I am true to those feelings. And then suddenly something within me changes and I see another way I can butter it, a way that was completely hidden from me. And all these little incremental changes add up. I am changing as if I were a child growing, not being forced to change and grow as my parents forced me, but how I would have naturally grown for myself if I were properly loved and supported.
So who is the true comforter, it’s not them, and it’s not yourself being them. It’s the truth you bring to light within yourself and through your own feelings. And so eventually it won’t be about the food needing to comfort you, it will be yourself comforting and loving yourself through your feeling acceptance. You are slowly being on your side through understanding what it feels like to be against yourself and on your parents side by forcing yourself to do what your mind believes you should do. But as that lets go, so you come back to your feelings with yourself, supporting and loving and caring about yourself, with your mind in support of that.
So when you think you have an idea or know where you’re going and what it’s about in your Healing, then you’re controlling it again, stopping the natural flow of feelings.
For myself I feel like I’ve come up against the ultimate brick wall, in some respects to a standstill, however I can also see this is really my mind, it having nothing further it can do in trying to ‘assist’ me in my Healing. I’ve tried this and that, gone this way and that, forced and not forced, but now I feel like I can’t do anything else other than just accept that I can’t do anything else. So I’m stonkered, I GIVE UP, I will just keep attending to my feelings and stop thinking I should do this or can do that; so no more of thinking I should be able to push deeper, trying to summons my will to break through the next barrier; no more thinking I should go to a therapist to help me go deeper; no, no more of any of that as that’s all my mind still trying to tell me what to do. So fuck it, if I can’t move on naturally then I can’t, and that’s that. I will stay as I am expressing what I feel as I feel it, and do nothing more. I can’t do anything more, I’m too tired, too fed up with it all, so I’m resigning myself to the fact that I’ll never get rid of my addictions and compulsions, they are apart of me, and until my soul and God decide otherwise, I’ll just do them as I need.
And lately I’ve begun to suspect that the reasons why I can’t stop these things are because they are still needed to cause friction for myself and between Marion and I, with this friction helping me focus on the remaining problems concerning my inability to express myself, connect with Marion in our relationship, and to be sympathetic to myself, her and anyone else. These things weren’t part of my early life, so I’m coming to see, so I need my addictions to keep pressuring me so as to keep me focused on these aspects of the relationship with myself and with Marion that are still not working right. And so I wonder if perhaps when I am able to express myself truly in a relationship, then I’ll no longer need to do these things, as I’ll also be truly expressing my self-love and being sympathetic to myself, having the right relationship with myself rather than my current unloving anti-me one.
And Sam, having just read your post again having written all of the above, I do want to reiterate that I hope what I’ve said has not interfered with your path. We’re at different stages in our Healing, so perhaps what I’ve written whilst being appropriate for myself is not entirely so for you. I don’t know. But what I do know is you will know and feel for yourself and that makes me feel good and okay about writing it. I hope you don’t read what I’ve written as my telling you, no, you shouldn’t do it your way, my way is better, because I don’t know about that, I don’t even know if there is such a thing as a ‘better way’. Each of our way, and as part of our Healing, is to work out what suits us best, even if our way drives us insane and over the edge and into spirit - still that would be what that person needed to do.
So it’s good for me to write what I think and feel but knowing I’m no authority, it’s just my opinion based on my own subjective healing experiences. Marion’s take is always a bit different to mine, and no doubt your way is different two. And not being with you and directly involved in your life and you with us, it’s so hard to know what is really being said. So sorry for all the words, and please if you think it doesn’t apply to you or that it’s not right, and you feel you want to say so, please do.
That is all totally me James, what you have said matches up to the feeling I had this morning which was to just give up and in that moment I saw just how my mind has slipped back in and taken over as Mum and Dad did. I woke up today and thought oh my God where have I been for the last few weeks, it has been so tough, so hard trying to control it all, the confusion and conflict as my soul and my mind have been battling it out and my mind winning. I have made it so hard for myself and now I am back in my feelings I feel solid again, like I am back and the pressure is off. I felt the same feelings when I read what you have written and how hard it all is when the mind is in control, how hard it was when Mum and Dad were in control. I can see now how punishing I have been on myself and I feel sad about that as sad as I felt as a child with Mum and Dad being hard on me, not letting me feel my own feelings.
I really feel lifted like my mind has taken a back seat again, all of that conflict has quietened down and I am back in touch with my feelings and that now it all feels much more manageable, like I don't have to think just feel, I feel so different just being in my feelings again.
What you wrote I really needed to read, thank you James. I felt truly awful and I have experienced the cunning ways my mind can slip back into control and I was obeying it and doing as it said to gain back power, its a slippery snake and I feel disturbed that I didn't see it coming just let it take over like my parents manipulation of me, slippery snakes, decoys.
I will re-read what you have written as it is so important and has helped me no end.
Thank you James and Marion, I truly thank you both.
I have had an amazing knight, feeling unblocked and able to move again. I have realised how much I needed to treat myself in such a unloving way because I had to see that was how mum and dad treated me, I had to awaken and become aware of that through my denial of myself through my feelings. I had to follow the punishment of my minds denial to show me the truth of how I was treated and why I treat myself this way and I see it all so clearly today and all night I was waking up and having revelations going on inside me and writing them down and it was like, "Oh course Sam, this is amazing, this is the truth".
I had to go to the state where I could no longer go on like that and I did, I had hit my wall and done all you said, collapsed and said I cant go on, I felt in despair and of course that had to happen because that was how I felt as a child, I cant go on like this living against my will, doing mum and dads will, I was so ill and unhappy and all of this experience has taken me back so I can feel all of that despair again and heal it and I am so totally amazed by how clever Mother and Father are at wanting this for me, its genius.
Now I see the truth and have felt the depths of the denial of my parents, I had to be it to myself. All that pain I caused myself by denying my wants and needs and compulsions, it was mum and Dad. Sorry if I keep repeating myself but I am so amazed, astonished at the lesson I have been through and what it has opened up in me to see, God it all so amazing. They programmed and brainwashed me so well to do their will not mine, that they made sure I would still do it as an adult and even after their death, I would continue their legacy through denial of myself and living their lives through me. Brainwashed to treat myself as they did, punished and denied of what I want to do and have. No acceptance of myself at all.
Now I want to turn it around, I cried so much yesterday at how much rejection I had for myself, I now want to accept my wants and needs and compulsions, I am Allowed them, I can have them all if I want, they are in me an part of me so accept them and stop denying myself of them and this makes me feel free. This denial of what I want has stopped my whole abundant life, I don't believe I can have anything because I have mum and dad saying "No Sam, you cant have it, its not for you, we cant afford it, put it back". I have stopped my own abundance by not letting myself have the things I want because that is the truth of how it was for me. Denial of everything I want, denial of my own desires so now I believe I can not desire and am not worthy of anything I want but every one else is, Mum and Dad are the only ones who can have what they want, not me, I am not worthy and this is a true feeling in me but I don't have to feel like that any more and you have helped me see that, along with how I was coming round to it myself also, I couldn't go on in that denial but I was being shown the truth of how I was treated so had to experience it all. The guilt and pain I was feeling has lifted now and I can accept that I want this thing and that thing even if it is 'Bad' for me, I am still allowed to have it if I want it, Mum and Dad have now lost there power over me as I regain it through acceptance of myself.
This is all brilliant for me James and I will go with the revelations I am feeling inside and work further on how accepting I feel of myself because with that comes a softness, a compassion for myself and that brings me to tears for how much denial I have been forced to feel for myself, I feel sorry for me and sadness for me at how restricted I have been in life all because of the voices inside me from my parents telling me "No Sam".
Thank you James and Marion for saying what you have. The whole lack and loss I have felt in my life is because of Mum and Dad driving it into me that I cant have, my whole lack of abundance has been because of this and I believed it, I believed I couldn't have in life and all I had to do was feel the pain of that which my whole denial experience of late has led me to do. When I turned it around and told myself I can have, when I accepted and allowed myself to have because I can, it all changed inside me, all the pain lifted, all the guilt lifted when I went with and stopped fighting my feelings with my mind, Me against Mum and Dad.
Oh good, I’m glad you felt okay about it. And yes, when you’re in it, which you have to be because there is no other way, you don’t have any awareness that it’s happening - that’s the part I hate and find most difficult. And then when you ‘wake up’ it is so hard feeling so bad about yourself, I always feel so stupid, which is what my parents often accused me of being.
And I’m also glad that you got there yourself, that I am just confirming what you felt and realised yourself, as that too is how it’s meant to be for us. We find out the truth through our feelings and then it gets confirmed when we need confirmation - I love that when it happens.
And now you can wait until you blindly lead yourself off down your next mind-path - oh what fun!
I read your post Sam this morning and felt better and better about it. By lunchtime I felt really good and with the same nice feeling I have about understanding all the bigger picture concepts and truth which culminated in my feeling that ‘I’m working it out’ ending some months back. Now I feel it’s the same with the Healing. I feel like I know the theory well enough, as if I’ve worked it out too with this last part that you went through helping me see for myself that I do at least understand most of it on a mental level, even though I’m still not able to do it all myself. But I feel that doesn’t matter, I can’t explain why or much more, but I just have the nice completion feeling again. So I now feel like I understand the two parts of the theory - the spiritual stuff and how it all fits in and the Healing and how it fits in.
Now by the end of the day I feel horrible, so miserable about Marion and I still feeling so bad and being so fucked. She felt fantastic this morning only to now feel very bad with her chest hurting her as it often does, she feeling very miserable and fed up with everything always being so difficult for her.
Anyway, as I’ve been writing about lately, I do feel Marion and I are both pushing up against our brick walls and quite frankly I can’t see either of us healing or changing how we are, and if anything, our only feeling worse and our physical bodies packing it in as we get older. And yet still we’re expressing our bad feelings as they arise, and still we’re seeing things about ourselves and our relationship and everything else, so we are chipping away at the wall but without any real hope of it ever giving way. And even wondering if it is meant to.
I intend to write more about this giving up and giving in when I can’t go any further, the letting go of my mind trying to control things, for I think it is possibly the most important part of our Healing; or, if not the most important part, then a very crucial part. And to feel like I’ve come to a standstill, now with only my feelings to express, is so different to believing I was having some say in driving it along as I have all these years. It’s such an odd way for me to live, waiting for my feelings to cause me to act, rather than deciding what to do in my mind and then doing it accordingly. I still want to complete my intro book of DLS, and yet no feeling has come up for months now about getting on with it. My mind tries to assert itself at times, but my feelings say no, and I let it go.
We are both very happy that you’re feeling more at ease with yourself and back with your feelings. I am looking forward to reading what insights come to you about all you went through.
I just read your latest two posts, and it’s good you are feeling sympathy and compassion for yourself. For accepting that you are fucked and it’s okay, for it is after all, how the Mother and Father have wanted you to be. We have to feel the sadness of not feeling loved for ourselves that we felt when we were young, I find that very hard as I’ve done such a good job on myself not allowing myself to feel it. But it has to come because that is way to self-acceptance and our no longer fighting against ourself, as you say.
I like that Sam, that you feel a softness and compassion - a love? for yourself, that which you don’t feel when you treat yourself unlovingly as your parents treated you. And it’s a difficult thing to understand, that you can have all the bad things and do them if you want, yet at the same time also not wanting them, so going this way and that working through the different sides of it all, all whilst expressing the feelings that come up.
Marion doesn’t want the perfumes, she wants to live without needing a crutch to make her feel better; and yet she does want them and loves having them and is getting so much from them. They are helping her so much with her self-esteem and helping her fill in experiences she didn’t have a child, by being free to have them and squirt them as much as she wants and as often as she wants, all until her chest says no more. But overall she wants love and not ‘love’ in the guise of perfume, but until such love comes, and until she could accept such love, the perfumes are being used by her soul to give her many of the Healing experiences she still needs. So she knows the perfumes are not right in how she is needing them, but she has to accept that and work with it expressing all it makes her feel. She too over time has used her mind to give up things and stop being certain ways, she can be very hard on herself and very self-disciplined, unlike myself who is all over the place and can’t use my mind that way, but she’s having to give up that tight self-control - her parents way - learning how to be more easy on herself.
I think we’re both reaching the point of just accepting all we are without the self-judgement that we’ve had in the past. Accepting and acknowledging that we can’t be any other way than how we are, all we can do is see the truth of that way. We even wonder if we’ll end up hating each other completely and hating being with each other because that was the truth of our relationships in our families. And perhaps we will, but it no longer matters, we just accept what will be will be and we’ll express all we feel as we get there and when we finally arrive. The thought of us hating each other, let alone of our relationship completely failing, used to fill me with dread and I’d resist and fight Marion when she said such things. But now having worked through so much fear, what am I resisting for?, if it’s to be so be it, as there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. And that’s not to say it will end, it might not, and really, who cares, all we can do is all we can do right now in the feeling we’re feeling at this moment. And if we hate, we hate; if we love, we love, and the truth keeps coming and that’s all that matters.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Hi Sam, the last few days I’ve been focused on my not loving myself and not feeling loved by anyone, and my acceptance of myself feeling and being this way has been growing. It’s helped me again see just how wrong it is to try and be self-loving using your mind, as I tried only to see the truth of how I was making it up. Then I resisted the truth that I wasn’t loving, but as I’ve expressed those fears so the truth has slowly allowed me to come to terms with and accept my unlovingness. I feel okay about it now. I don’t want to be this way, but as I can’t do anything about it, so be it - I am it. So although I am unloving there is some sympathy and even self-love creeping in.
I have touched on hating myself throughout my Healing, but it hasn’t gone any deeper, nothing like the degree by which Marion hates herself. So I’m no longer trying to push deeper, and again just accepting the bit I have and understanding that I’m not like Marion, we’re all different with all differing levels of feeling, so again letting up on my thinking there might still be these vast hidden depths of bad feelings like more self-hate I am yet to discover. I’m realising that by staying so much on the bad side, to no longer feel so bad is odd, and I’m having to get used to that.
And in fact I’m feeling like I can’t be bothered with a lot of things now - just about everything. I can’t even be bothered asking the Mother and Father for help anymore. They know how I feel, and I have asked and asked and still I have all my afflictions. And I don’t even know about the Divine Love anymore. I’ve asked and asked but as I no longer feel it coming into me upon my asking, so I’ve all but given up with that too. But it’s not that I am saying other people should give up to and that I think it’s all bullshit, it’s just what I’m going through myself, and it’s all apart of my giving up more of my mind control. I want to do these things ONLY when I feel to do them, and if I never feel to ask for help or to long for the Divine Love, then I never will. I no longer want to do anything because I think or believe I should. I have had to do them perviously because of my beliefs to get to this point, but now I feel like I’m letting that go too.
Today I had another big good feeling about letting go and no longer needing to be how I am about certain things. And these things were about trying to work out how the world works, as in, who really runs it and how. As you know I have wanted the spirits to tell me what’s going on behind the scenes, but now I no longer care, that longing and need to know has all gone. I don’t care what goes on, I’m happy with the little bits I can pick up along the way, but I feel free of the burden of wanting to know, and that feels really good.
It’s all quite amazing, with the BB representing the world on a micro level, all I see there about the strange goings on and how people are in their little power structures I can see on the macro world level. So the more I’ve given up the BB and trying to work out the behind the scenes in the women who run it, the more I’ve given up trying to work out the world.
And then this afternoon I suddenly felt I let the Rebellion go too. I no longer care about it, and it can go on for eternity as it’s none of my business... and I wonder, why did I care so much about it anyway? I was so determined to try and ensure that it ended, part of which DLS is all about. I hated what was happening to the world and nature, but now I don’t care. I still hate it, but I don’t feel responsible for it and like I have to try and do something to help. So even if nothing happens with the spiritual stuff, fine, even if all my books were thrown in the bin, fine, I’m happy with my understanding that that’s all that’s important to me now. So I don’t have to worry about trying to get other people to do their Healing either, it’s all the same, thing - none of my business. So I’m stepping back and seeing what the Mother and Father do. And it’s bizarre, such arrogance and ego to think that I could have had some say in world affairs, but that was all Gran’s doing, and now that’s all gone so I don’t care if I fart along doing nothing more in life than working at the BB and working on myself.
And even working on myself is fading too. Of course I still want to be true and finish my Healing, but as I feel my powerlessness in being able to change all that is still wrong in me, and giving up trying with my mind, so I’m letting it all go and wondering if my Healing will in fact stop. But I know it won’t, but those are my current feelings - I just can’t be bothered anymore. I feel too tired too much of time. I just don’t have the grunt to keep praying and begging the Mother and Father to help me see the truth through my feelings and so on. I’m now preferring to just talk with Them conversationally about it... sort of like, Well Mother and Father, you know I still want and need Your help, but I can’t do it anymore, I can’t ask You as I did, I can’t do anything. You’ve fucked me up too badly and as my mind is loosing its grip so I don’t have that (false) power anymore. So I don’t know what to do - what do You think I should do? And see what They say. Just expressing how I feel to Them and staying with those feelings.
And I also suddenly realised today and felt that I no longer care that I’ve missed out on so much life. Not having children and a family of my own, not having a career and a regular sort of life. Not even having a loving beginning and lots of friends and people I love. I no longer care about any of that now that I’ve expressed all that pain out of me. Now I’m even happy with the life I have had, although it has still been shit.
And also today I felt that I no longer care about being separated from Marion. Up until now I’ve felt scared and dreaded that she might die and leave me alone or we might split up and how would I be able to keep going with my Healing. But now I don’t care. If we were to separate, then that’s what I’d need next in life, and if I wasn’t able to keep going with my Healing as well as I have been able to with her constant help, so be it, I’ll adjust and do what I can. But I don’t feel scared about any of that anymore, knowing I could even live alone if it came to that, or even link up with someone else even if they are not wanting to do their Healing.
So a lot happened today on certain levels reflecting I guess that I no longer have all that yuk within me, and I’m feeling much freer all round, but still not free of all my yuk.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
For myself, I have been experiencing a weird feeling of Allowance. Accepting that I am allowed to do, eat, say, be whatever I want, I am experiencing a new revealed level of will, my will. My automatic feeling is to say no to myself, I cant have, I am not allowed so I deny myself and I never realised how much I do it, denying myself everything I want so I have felt a melting inside of me, like a slipping away of that denial of my wants and needs. Saying yes to myself is very strange, yes instead of no, its all new to me but is a dual feeling. I feel the acceptance and allowance of my wants and needs but then underneath that is a guilt, a shame and a bad girl wanting to deny myself still so I am dealing with two feelings now and its very weird. Like you have said I am also feeling a sympathy for my self, for all the feelings I have denied myself through being to unworthy to have my desires, anything that is for me, I cant have but I will buy it for someone else, they are worthy of it. Others can have loving relationships but not me. The realisation that I have done this all my life gave me a devastating pain that I have been so cruel to myself because it is still mum and dad in my head telling me NO when my soul is saying YES, I want it but I cant have it because Mum and Dad say so. All so much denial and I never knew I was doing it to such a deep degree.
I can not go searching for my depths of hidden feelings, it just doesn't work and it is all my minds pushing and punishing to control, to get this done, dig deeper Sam, find the answer then you will be a good girl and we will love you for being so clever and showing us how successful we are as your parents, its all them James, inside me, none of it is me and how sad has that made me feel. Such a waste of my life, a chance passing me by because I am still being them, still doing their will and still denying me and I feel so hopeless like I am never going to be able to see myself and what I truly am like, I want to meet me but I cant get passed them.
I am seeing now that all I have is now, its all I can deal with and all that is true for me at this time, the truth of my untruth and that is all I have to deal with and when I deal with that it leads me deeper naturally with out digging, trying the feelings just reveal themselves as I feel them so there is no racing off into the lead to get there first and win the prize and adoration of all. I am now feeling that I just have to go silently, unnoticed into my feelings and let the world carry on without me while I do my healing. I don't want to be a part of it all any more I feel very weary and almost on my knees because of the pushing and trying I have done of late when I stepped out of my feelings and let my mind take over, it hurt so much when I reflect, it is to hard to keep up, I cant do it, I give up.
I am now back into my feelings and feeling almost like I don't exist in this world just in my own, it can all go on without me now. I had another taste of how it feels to let my mind/parents control me and it was a reminder I needed to feel. I hated it, it was harsh and very painful. Coming back to my feelings feels soft, caring and a compassion for myself and my denied childhood feelings.
As you have said James, I to have been feeling the need to just stop asking for Divine Love to flow, it is all to hard for me at the moment and feels like just words, just my mind trying to make God love me, fight for Gods love, try to impress them, make them proud of me and deserving of their love which is all about how I tried to gain Mum and Dads love, I am just projecting that onto God and I now have to just stop, its wrong and not love, its my childhood desperation to feel love from my parents because I couldn't live without it as a child so I had to fight for it, earn it and I am doing that with God. Now it is time to stop because it wont work with God. I feel the best thing I can now do is feel how deserted and abandoned by love I feel, all love including love for myself and that makes me feel very childlike and sad so that tells me it comes from my childhood lack of feelings of love. I find that amazing, I always know when it is a childhood pain because I feel like a child so that tells me it is a childhood pain, all so clever and amazing.
There is a constant breaking down James, I hold on for dear life only to find that I cant, I don't have the power or strength to continue doing what I am doing and it will all be broken down in me when I can fight no more because the fight is just my denial to feel and when that realisation comes to me, I stop and see how my mind has tricked and controlled me again and again and again then I slip into my feelings and feel awful pain at how unloving I have been to myself, this is the way I was shown to be and this is all being revealed to me when I come back to my feelings. The control my parents still have over me is amazing to me, and I hate myself for it still being that way, but that way it is and that way it has to be until I have felt the truth. I cant make it be any other way, I have tried and it cant be done, trying is just more mind control, parent control saying come on Sam try harder, you can do it, you are strong. Inside me I say, no I cant, I am weak and you hate that, it cant be done no matter how I try for you Mum and Dad, I am going to let you down because the truth will always push through, it will always win. I might as well give up your way doesn't work, I cant do it any more I am exhausted with doing it your way.
It’s fantastic all you’ve written Sam, there’s so much in it. So what an incredible experience you’ve just been through with yourself these past weeks. And again hearing you say what you’ve found out about yourself helps me, the acceptance and resignation, such as “The control my parents still have over me is amazing to me, and I hate myself for it still being that way, but that way it is and that way it has to be until I have felt the truth. I cant make it be any other way, I have tried and it cant be done, trying is just more mind control, parent control saying come on Sam try harder, you can do it, you are strong.”
Yes, so as we’ve been speaking about, it is just allowing yourself to be as you are, expressing all that makes you feel - good and bad, and even allowing the truth to come up. I’ve not thought about it before in that light until I just wrote it - but we do have to even allow the truth to surface as we’re doing all we can to stop it. As I talk with people at the BB about their feelings and particularly their bad ones, I’m constantly surprised how little most people want to know about any truth to do with themselves. It’s like we don’t even understand that the whole purpose of our existence is to understand ALL about ourselves - why we do all we do and say, and so, all we feel and why we feel such feelings. To allow and then accept the truth is a big thing. And I love how you say, when you are doing that, you feel you love your feelings and they are good to you and the truth comes and you are flowing along in life - which is your life, and as you say, your own private life in which it is only you and no one else can intrude or matters in it. And feeling more separate from the world is right because your parents made you feel separate from them.
It’s been going around in my head for the past week impressing on me more that there is seven whole mansion worlds worth of feelings we are to ascend, and in our cases, that is mostly seven whole worlds of bad feelings. All the negative stuff, so as we move up within ourselves we’re naturally going deeper, which is also what you said how there’s no need to dig because you’re just evolving deeper anyway. And each of those worlds are huge, like Earth, look at how much we learn here just being a child and having to grow up to understand how the world works, so it’s the same for all these worlds. And when you focus it all on understanding how your mind is messing around with your feelings, and then see it’s all about seven worlds of feelings to be thoroughly explored, there’s an awful lot to go through. So a lot of just allowing yourself to be taken through it all by your soul through your feelings. And struggling this way and that against your minds control as that is highlighted, all which again makes you feel bad and so more bad feelings to accept and explore.
And I love how you can see that you are projecting your need for love onto God. That is all so difficult, we so desperately want love, Jesus tells us God loves us and the Divine Love is there for us to ask for, and so we ask and long yet don’t realise we’re not true in our asking and longing, that we’re projecting all our feeling unloved by our parents onto our Mother and Father. So what can you do, who can you go to? So we have to keep going to God because there is no one else, yet all the while understanding we’re not relating to God how we think we are. And then to reach the point of: what happens now, what are you to do, are we, do I, reject God and say I can’t do it anymore... which you have to do, all so you can do it differently. I find it incredible to think that everyone who loves God and is reaching out to God and feels God is loving them, and who might even feel the Divine Love flowing into them, is still mostly only relating to God as their parents, still just wanting God to be their parents and to receive the love from their parents that they didn’t get. And how can you say, oh, by the way, you can’t get to God via God, it sounds mad; meaning, you are making up a false God based on your parents, a ‘wrong’ God, and that God ain’t going to do anything for you. And yet we’ve got to start with our false God working to accept that and understand how that God is really god - our parents, so we can then divest and end such dependency on our parents together with our vain hope that they still might one day come through and love us, all so we can start to connect in a real and true way with our Mother and Father. And again it shows me how there is such a vast gulf between us and Jesus. He being true related truly to the Father (and Mother), and yet we think it’s easy being like he is, especially now he’s told us about the Divine Love. And yet we’ve got seven worlds worth of incorrectly relating to God to work through too, all of which happens as we work through our seven worlds of incorrect relationship with our parents.
And I like Sam how you can feel the two conflicting aspects in yourself regarding whether or not you can or cannot having anything. You can feel yourself believing you must deny yourself, and now you can also feel you can have what you want. And that is right, as you’re showing, and that once again it’s not about just trying to override ones self-denial when one becomes aware of it, saying that you can live with abundance and whatever the New Agers say. That’s not right, because the truth is you’re going to feel the negative and your self-denial right the way through your Healing because it is all part of your unloving truth. So the two parts will be there with possibly you spending more time on your denial side, working to accept that, and not even worrying about having all you want. You will get what you need, that we slowly come to understand, so it’s not about using your mind to try and get what you want, using your mind trying to make yourself live in an ‘abundance’ world. And for me, what I need is love, but as I can’t use my mind to conjure that up, so I have to keep saying true to feeling unloved, because until I feel loved, I feel unloved, and that’s the life I am living - it is me, so I have to start with fully accepting my unloved self. I’m not loved - I don’t feel loved...
Please God help me, I am in so much pain, ripping indigestion in my body hurting every part of me. Trapped ripping gas that is burning me inside and cant escape, it has nowhere to go except inside me, hurting me as it tries to escape but cant. It is trapped inside me like my emotions, all trapped inside me without expression. I have had enough of the pain, I woke up with it and it is relentless, I cant move, I cant stand up, I cant sit down, I cant escape from this pain, there is nothing I can take to get rid of it because that would just be more denial of the causal emotion that is causing this pain, it would just be treating the effects not the cause. I am in an inferno of pain.
Mother and Father I am so scared of feeling so much pain in my body, please help me reveal the truth of why I am feeling so much pain, the thoughts that go through my mind are, oh my god what is happening to me, I am ill, I will have to go to hospital, I might die. What is happening to me I am in so much pain. I am so scared of something being really seriously wrong with me; I always blow it all out of proportion because of my fear.
I am out of control with pain, it has control over me, there is nothing I can do about it, I have to let it hurt me, I have to submit to its control and strength over my weakness. This pain is a bully controlling me; it’s my Dad. The fear of it is always with me so I don’t step out of line because it will come back if I do, it threatens me constantly.
I am filled with dread because I cant do anything when I am in such pain, Pain stops all of my experiences; it keeps me in a safe place of not doing, not feeling. I just want to stay in my shell, its to scary out there, I might have to feel. My guts are on fire, burning inside of me like I am going to burst into flames from the inside, the flames are burning my stomach, the lining of my stomach is melting away as the fire burns and nothing will put it out except feeling it all, accepting it all and expressing it all out of me.
I have a brief relief from the pain and sit in fear waiting for it to come back, like the bully it is. Every time I move I can feel it still with me. Why do you want to hurt me? I sit being good for it, not annoying it just being in fear of it, appeasing it, pleasing it, being a good girl and not annoying it, the pain is my Dad. I am scared to move incase the pain comes back, if I just sit perfectly still I will not feel it, not anger it, not annoy it, just be perfectly still like I am not here, like I don’t exist and then I wont feel pain. If I don’t so anything I wont feel pain, pain has my in fear of growing, experiencing, moving, doing anything, I cant move because of fear, if I do anything I will feel pain and I don’t want to so I don’t so anything to trigger it as I didn’t do anything to trigger dads anger directed towards me. I might do something he doesn’t like and then he will get angry at me, so I don’t do anything, I don’t even try, I don’t exist, that is the best way Sam then you cant anger him or anyone else. I am safe when I don’t exist to anyone. Existing is to terrifying, I can be attacked so just don’t exist Sam. Don’t exist to this pain I am feeling, deny yourself Sam.
As I am expressing all of my pain I am feeling the relief come into me, I am beginning to feel better, less pain, more comfort, less burning it is dissipating, I am feeling so much relief and joy at the pain leaving me the more of it I express. I am terrified of pain. I can’t believe I am now totally free of the pain now. I can do this; I can heal myself through my feelings, through accepting, expressing and finding the truth of my feelings. It amazes me every time because the pain is so severe and then it is gone.
I have cried and felt so bad throughout this experience but it is the only way for me to heal. I am now completely free of pain that a few minutes ago was crippling me and now there is no trace of it and I am at peace. I have felt it fully out of me, let it cripple me and take over and overwhelm me as Mum and Dad did.
Sorry Sam I didn’t comment sooner on your once again incredible healing experience. I’ve been too tired and feeling demented as usual as Marion and I pick away at all my bits showing me how I was not allowed to express myself.
Again what another incredible healing experience, I love how you can do it all and so intensely, so true and committed to it, I wish I was as focused and as willing. And it’s interesting that you feel the pain so intensely and physically, whereas Marion and I, although we’ve had physical aches and pain and lots of them, generally it’s nothing too bad. And I realised as with everything, we’re all different in that some people are more physically orientated than others, so some will no doubt feel incredibly intense physical pain through their Healing, other’s less so, and some more emotional and even spiritual, and some less so, and some all combined and parts thereof.
Your Healing was so perfect, just a perfect experience of how it happens and how the pain goes when the truth is seen, or when you’ve expressed all that pain out of you, which is needed by the soul. And because you are so full-on so you get a full rollercoaster ride, but that of itself then confirms how real and amazing it is.
Marion and I so it seems like have all but finished expressing our emotional stuff, we no longer have the misery and all the pain, anger and hatred. It’s more just boredom and the frustration that brings, but hardly any fear. I thought it might be just a phase, but now for months we’ve been moving this way, so I guess that’s it, and when you express your deep stuff Sam, I find it harder now to remember my deeper stuff. And yet I’m far more aware of my unlovedness, far more acute in the perception and understanding of it. It’s now like I am right there with mum and Gran but without the swirling heaving emotional pain, so able to just feel and know the truth of how they treated me in each situation, and how that really made me feel, feeling so rejected, unloved, and how much I hate them.
And then how much I couldn’t leave them, for they convinced me they were all I had, they were the best, no one else could or would ever offer anything better - more love. And they threatened me with being given away to my other nasty grandmother who I hated, so I tried all the more to be good and do as they said and be how they wanted me to be, just so they didn’t send me away. I can hear mum in my head: “If you keep behaving like that I’ll send you off to Ita’s”, and that was it, absolute dread, she may as well have said I’ll send you to the torture chamber. And yet ironically, she was more torturous than Ita, only I didn’t understand that then but now I do - sort of living good cop/bad cop and they were all rotten to the core.
I’m glad you’re feeling better having worked through it all. And I’m amazed that it’s all working for you. As I’ve said before, it’s one thing Marion and I doing what we call our ‘Healing’, yet for another person to do it and seeing it being done the same way, and in many ways even more intensely than we did it, is incredible.
Marion is pulling even more away from the world, the world that her parents created for her and made her live in. They didn’t allow her to create her own world, and now by giving up having anything to do with the outside and other people, even me if she didn’t need one person to express herself to, she feels possibly somehow she might be able to start again - someday, when she’s finished expressing all her pain and agony of feeling always so alone and with no one taking any interest in her or caring about her.
And it is amazing, for how it was for her - how it was for all of us - is how it still is and will remain so until she’s finished expressing all her untruth and the pain of it. So even in the spiritual stuff and everyday life, no one wants to know more about her than asking me how is she, ‘How’s Marion?’, and that’s all. And they don’t really want to hear anything I have to say, all so long as I say, she’s okay, then they don’t have to go any further. It’s as if she’s out of bounds, or they hate her and don’t want her to exist, the whole world rejecting her, which is of course how she does feel - that the whole world hates her as her parents did. And so she is in agony of: Well, as no one likes or loves or wants me, or ever will, then why am I here, why do I have to live my whole life with no one liking or wanting to be with me? I can’t connect with anyone and no one tries or wants to connect and communicate properly with me, so why am I here!? It’s torture for her, and having to work her way her through every circuit of feeling alone, unloved, unwanted and uncared about. I can go out in my fuckedness and get on seemingly well with people, but she can’t bear being with them in their wrongness because she always feel they don’t really want her to be there never showing they like her. And she can’t just ignore all that like she used to, and try and fit in or make people like her, now it’s, well fuck that, the truth is I am hated because I feel hated, so be it.
This morning I could feel as it came up within me, the knowing that I too, but not to the same extent as Marion, wasn’t listened to, not wanted properly, and was only taken cursory notice of. So for me I now understand, it’s: Why bother speaking, why bother opening my mouth other than to show I’m alive and pretending to participate - why bother expressing myself and all I feel. So I don’t want to actively put in and be part of it because I too feel unwanted and rejected, however not feeling I’m so hated as a person as Marion feels, but more feeling like I’m a piece of furniture that has its uses whilst it must be there, it’s okay and tolerated, but really it we good if we could get rid of it and not have to bother with it.
We are working our way through all the bits to do with having a relationship. Life, our whole existence is all and ONLY about relationships, starting with the relationship we’re having with ourselves. So how are you to express yourself in all the different situations, like when you’re in the leading role, or them in the passive one, how is the right and true and caring way to assert yourself to make yourself be listened to and get someone to do something for you. And what about if someone asks you to do something for them and you don’t want to do it, what is the caring loving respectful way to say no. And as we know, there are millions of ways to relate and respond, lovingly or unlovingly, and we’re to understand them all so we can heal our imperfect ways and then understand out perfect ones. In the end we have to be perfectly with ourselves, then our soulmate, so we can be perfectly with our Mother and Father - so, be as perfect as They are; for if we’re not, we’re in rebellion against ourselves, our soulmate, our Mother and Father. It all has to be ‘sorted’ as the English would say when I was over there.
My parents were just a mess at all of that, Marion’s were very specific and controlling but all from the point of being the obedient one. They were forced to be obedient so they believed it was right to make their children be the same way. But what is the right way to express yourself in every situation, and to do it all naturally from feelings because you feel you want to be that way, and NOT with learnt behaviour patterns established by your mind.
So having worked through so much of our emotional stuff, now it’s more about how are we to be, in a loving way, and how are in our unloving way. How do both ways make us feel and why. And at the same time uncovering yet deeper governing behavioural beliefs and patterns, all of which are being unconsciously acted out all the time.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I speak to God out load and I receive constant pictures of what I have done in my life and how I have hurt others with my actions. The deepest pains are those pictures I receive of the hurt I have caused my children. Pain on top of pain that in the worlds view is normal parenting. The remorse I feel is so great, I am so sorry and I pray to God to help me feel deeper the truth of those pains I have caused others. I want to feel the truth of what I have done. I want to heal it all with Gods help, I cant do it alone, I am a child and I need the help from my true parents to feel the truth of what I have done.
There are few things that seem that terrifying Sam. I feel able to manage hurt of myself, maybe my partners, parents, friends, but the hurt I have caused my children.....that's when I have real trouble staying with it. The pain, the responsibility, seems to be too great. I can't stay with that pain, well, not for long enough to feel it fully thus far, but then, I've always been doing things on my own. I never wanted ............hmm...........my ego stopped me from accepting or asking for help. I still don't choose to ask for help. I don't like the feeling of inadequacy. I guess recognition might be a start........but what we have done to our children hurts, as you say Sam. Thanks for the inspiration.