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Post by samantha9 on Jan 4, 2018 5:53:02 GMT 10
AN EMAIL I RECIEVED TODAY FROM MY DAD
Hi Sam dad here you seem to be in a dark place and in danger of it getting darker ! Your a bit to young to be travelling that road why do you think your feeling so low you always had so much vitality and zest for life where's it all gone ? There's so many things you could be doing to get fulfilment in your life so many people who would benefit from all you've done and achieved in your life or you could try a long distance walk ! Nothing like it for clearing your head and opening up a whole new perspective on life . At this end of my life I don't want any animosity with any of our family if you think you and I having a chat would be beneficial so be it I have to confess that I cannot understand your current belief it probably doesn't help that I have no belief in the supernatural beings you are letting dictate your life style but I respect your faith in them and if they help you cope with your chosen path through life then so be it . But you must appreciate that it is painful for Mum and I to be rejected by one of our children . It sounds like your a follower of Jehovah's witness the also don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas I'm not looking to denigrate your faith just trying to understand where your coming from as I can't go through what's left of my life without some kind of understanding x Dad x
I will write all I feel about this when I have finishes fuming and undoing the emotional knots I am feeling inside of me. Oh my God the undercurrent and manipulating threat this contains, I feel so controlled by this, telling me I am not allowed to feel my feelings, I have to make him feel good and stop doing my healing so I can be the old Sam he created. I am going to burst with rage that after all we have spoken about he doesn't respect me and what I am doing but I have to respect him because I am making him feel bad.
We have to stop being scared of hurting our parents, they certainly didn't worry about hurting us
Oh yes, a fucking walk, that would fix it all just because that is what you do, deny all you feel and go on a walk.I am beside myself.
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Post by Samantha on Jan 4, 2018 11:32:34 GMT 10
I don't feel I want to respond to my dad, I feel I would be wasting my time in trying to make him understand me and where I am coming from. I don't feel I have to and I no longer care if I am not understood, it's not my problem or my job to explain myself. This is the path I have chosen, it's my desire, my will and I don't have to have anyone's approval, acceptance or allowance to follow it.
I am feeling this is my own, big, personal U Turn, this is the point I am now at and there is no returning from it in regards to my relationship with my parents, this is the turning point for me as I feel I want to leave them behind me. They will never see the rejection is not me of them but them of me when I needed them most but my dad has decided to blame me as the instigator, the child is the one to blame as he blames me for the rejection they both feel, not even taking on board our previous conversations about this. Any further explaining would be a waste of my energy.
How do I feel now?
Strange, very alone but in a freer way, like I have really, emotionally made the turn away from them. I feel a bit more grown up and I actually feel quite good after the earlier anger. I don't want to write back to them in a game of emotional ping pong, I no longer feel like I am a child that has to explain herself and that feels so fucking great, so liberating because I have felt my feelings and found that freedom like I am no longer tethered to them, their power has weakened over me and I am walking my own path without them.
Once I would have felt that I need to explain myself to them to get their approval of what I am doing, it would have been very important to me but that has all gone. I don't feel any of that which is amazing.
I will write more about my feelings as they arise in me but what I am feeling now is a maturity and not like I am their child any longer but God's, they feel far distant to me, like they are in the back ground and I am moving higher and higher up away from them, I feel light and free.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 4, 2018 20:59:14 GMT 10
Today I decided I would write back to my dad. I feel really good about it as I did it with no fear and that is an amazing step for me being scared to tell him anything all my life. I feel so good that that fear is no longer their and I was able to tell him how I am deconstructing all he and mum have done to me, they fucked me up and now, with Gods help I am de-fucking myself of them. I know this will hurt him but he has asked me to help him understand and I have told him the truth. I just want to come clean with it all so they know what they have done and I haven't just gone in there and dumped it all on them without them asking, dad opened up the way for truth and I have responded with out fear or anger because I don't feel it any more, I just wanted to be honest with them and it feels so good, the truth feels so good and I feel so free inside and expansive like I have grown without end, like there are no borders to me or limits. I could cry I feel so free because of truth. It has freed me and my dad no longer feels like the huge, scary monster that my child self was so scared of. I actually feel bigger than him which is something I never would have thought possible as I felt so much oppression from him and his tyrant of a father.
I am so glad I wrote to him with the truth, it was so important for me to do it so I could feel the difference from our previous conversations where I was terrified of our confrontation. It doesn't feel the same any more, the fear has gone from me, his power has left me so it feels right now in this moment.
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Post by James on Jan 4, 2018 21:35:44 GMT 10
What a difficult email from your father. Yes, I can sympathise with all you’ve said it makes you feel. He won’t cross the line, not even for a moment to acknowledge that you might want to live a different way to him. He believes he should accept you, but he can’t, he’s too controlling, too scared to let go, just as he was with you when you were growing up, as you are struggling to release yourself from.
It’s helped me see more that all I write will by people such as him, and more than likely most of the world, be looked at as an interfering threatening cult. Such people, like those I work with, are a closed door, and I’ve given up knocking on it, even trying to shock it, and I just have to accept it, which I can because it’s what I know having come from it, and move with it the best I can, whilst trying to remain apart from it. Were I given the opportunity to remove myself entirely from it, I would in a flash, but as I’m forced to stay in it, so I’m having to work my way through being in it but not of it.
I wrote the above earlier, and now having read your next two posts, it sounds really good Sam all you’ve been through. I’m pleased you feel so good, free and expansive, that sounds great. And what a change for you, from being the scared little child to now being your true self in it. Wow. All you write, I love how you put so much of it, together with all you go through is so encouraging. I wonder how he’ll take it and what his response will be?
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 4, 2018 23:08:14 GMT 10
If he does respond, I will put it on here as I feel it will be supportive one day to those that may go through the same as I am going through.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 6, 2018 0:37:41 GMT 10
I want to tell you James how what you said about my dads email is so wonderful. I needed to hear it from you in the way you said it, with so much sympathy and care. I felt you were really on my side and understood me and my situation with dad. What you said about him "Not wanting to let me go" that really hit me, it is so true, he just cant do it. When the others all decided to go off and live in Australia he was ok about it but I remember when I was younger and told him I was going to live in Australia he broke down and cried and in that instant I felt devastated , like I had stuck a knife in him and I couldn't go, I mean I went, but I was back in six weeks. I have been the one who has been the easiest to control and that gave him power and if I left that would destroy him and his power as I am doing now, emotionally leaving him so he is losing power and what is happening between me and my dad is going to happen to the whole world as people turn around and leave the controllers of this world, they will be as my dad is, broken and weak and have to feel that weakness as power gets taken away from them as my dad is doing, well, feeling weakened by me but not healing it, he will probably "Go for a long walk to get a new perspective on it all" as he says, all further denial.
I am really seeing the bigger picture and I am living it, experiencing it in my own little world just how it will be for the bigger world and how these manipulating, hidden controllers in there devious, evil ways will come crashing down when we turn away from them and do our feeling healing to regain our true power. And I think you are right, we will be seen as Cults by the controllers such as my dad, will have to have something else other than themselves to blame it all on so they can further deny feeling the truth of their weakness and loss of power and hold over us, we will become strong as they weaken, because of the truth setting us free and I felt a little bit of that with my dad.
It is so good to have you and Marion on my side, it sounds childish but to be able to talk to someone without them wanting to take everything from me and by that I mean all of my bad feelings, wanting me to stop feeling how I am feeling about it all, its so good to be allowed to feel bad and feel pissed off when I need to instead of being shut down and then having to feel that awful feeling of 'what's the point, no one wants to really hear me' and as I wrote that I could see myself as a child feeling that all the time.
Thank you James, I really mean that from my heart.
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Post by James on Jan 6, 2018 12:22:48 GMT 10
Thank you Sam. I’m always reticent in how much I should say. I don’t want to interfere with your feelings and Healing, yet I do want to support you. And all you’ve said, even the sequence of your posts about your dad and what you went through, feeling the impact, deciding not to do anything, then doing it, just fits so well with how so many things Marion and I have been through.
And yet as I’ve only got Marion and myself, and I sure don’t understand all we go through, so I don’t know if what we’re doing is right or applicable or appropriate for you or another person. So I tend to hold off, whereas perhaps I should be even more forthcoming? I am so unsure of myself and all I say on the personal level, the theory is fine, but where real feelings are involved, I find it all to terrifying, with Marion helping me to see all my wonkiness all the time, so I find the whole communication thing very difficult.
Concerning your father, I wonder what it is with you that deep within him causes him to have such a need to have such control over you. You possibly represent his little self, the self he’s afraid of losing if he lets go such control. I wonder if something or someone was taken away from him, hurting him terribly when he was little, and so he clings onto you for dear life? Or... it could be a million and one things. It is all fascinating as horrible it all is.
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Post by samantha9 on Jan 6, 2018 22:36:06 GMT 10
There is so much to it all James and so much dad wont talk about and he says he has no clue of what happened to him before the age of 8, his dad terrified him. Apparently his dad asked his mum to forgive him on his death bed and dad believes their was abuse involved with his 3 daughters, they all died young with terrible illnesses on of them being blind all her life, one having MS and other brain disorders and the youngest one has been institutionalised all her life with schizophrenia, she is alive now but still in a home, its been all terrible and no one will speak about it which is so confusing, I want to know what happened and only through my feelings am I getting a glimpse of what went on, through my own terror can I feel the truth so I don't think I have to go around asking or digging for the truth because gradually my feelings are telling me what happened because it is in me too.
I have always felt that I don't want dad close to me like its wrong and dirty and that comes from him and how he felt about his father, it entered me at birth and I can feel my dads fear that he may be just like his dad was with his girls, I feel that very strongly from dad so he has kept his distance emotionally seeing any love as a dirty and bad thing to show your daughters, almost incestuous and that is a feeling I feel many parents have with their children, not so much sexually but an incestuous possession of them, a deep undercurrent of possession that they belong to them and no one else, I have felt that with my dad. Yes, as I write this I am feeling it even stronger, it is the fear in dad that he might do something to me, maybe even having those thoughts and being terrified of them, not committing the act but the thoughts may have been there because they were in his dad and left unhealed they went into my dad, its so fucking sad and such a crime not to heal these awful feelings that are the default for our children.
There is so much to it all, the damage done but I know that through my feelings I can get to the truth of it because it is all in me and I am the vessel for all of that lineage of evilness and impurity and because of that I was born sick, with the family sickness, I had no choice and that is so sad and unfair because I have suffered so much at such a young age that I didn't want to wake up to live another day and couldn't bear the thought of having to go on for a life time being that way, it was unbearable.
He promised himself he would never be like his dad, hating him to the core but like I said to him, you can only be like your dad, its the default in use all and it is what we are all trying to deny. He wont give in to it, his battle has been, that he is it, but is trying, pretending not to be but it doesn't work, it creeps out constantly because it is who he was built to be by his parents. Just be it and that would be a great place to start from, admit you are a fucker just like your dad, you have disgusting, impure thoughts as we all do, accept that you are a weak, disabled, crippled, fucked up child, but he wont so he will have to suffer as he is, he is in agony and is crumbling all the time through spinal problems, heart problems etc. and I can see how it was all caused and as you say, there are a million things going on in him.
Yes it is horrible but I am excited by it all, its amazing, all the bad stuff is amazing and to know our feelings tell us about our family and where we came from and that we can know our lineage through our feelings, that to me is just a miracle and; through that there is no mystery to life, our whole life. our whole lineage can be known through our feelings so there is no more mystery, incredible James.
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