Christmas and a divided family.
Dec 24, 2017 18:33:52 GMT 10
Post by samantha9 on Dec 24, 2017 18:33:52 GMT 10
Its Christmas Eve and it is hard. I live in a divided family and seeing yet more of the deep, deep programming I have created in my daughter more than my son.
I have no interest in it all and have had to watch all of the falseness and fantasy I have created in my daughter as she still wants to be the little girl looking forward to all of the excitement of Christmas. Trying to stay true to my feelings whilst seeing the disappointment in her that she cant share the festivities with me is very painful, she is very alone again.
She decided to take up her Aunties offer of spending Christmas with them, Faye has been born into a large Romany Gypsy family and they all get together on Christmas day and have a huge party but she is still sad that I no longer am a part of her Christmas. It has been tough over the last few years as I have explained to her that I no longer feel I want to celebrate the falseness of the made up season, celebrating the birth of Jesus giving him worship that he doesn't even want, it all felt so wrong and false and I couldn't do it any longer. For quite a few years, before I came across Feeling Healing, my love of Christmas was beginning to wane and I couldn't understand what was happening to me, I was gutted that I was no longer looking forward to Christmas and felt such a disappointment with in me, a real loss and I tried to deny it, not to feel it and jolly myself up to the season and get into the spirit but I now know that this was the truth coming to light inside of me and now those feelings of truth I no longer want to deny and Christmas and even my Birthday means nothing to me.
Faye's desire is to celebrate Christmas and she must do as she feels without me interfering so she put up the tree and did a beautiful job of it but she feels very alone in her celebrations because I cant join in and I feel terrible about how I have abandoned her by suddenly deciding to 'Come Out' to her and say how I feel when I have made her believe in it all having spent a life of loving Christmas and all of the false magic and Faye now displays my love of Christmas but is on her own with it. And how do I feel about it all, Fucking awful at what I have done to her, the lies I have made and insisted she believes as it has been such an important time for family to be together in our family. I am destroyed inside as I see what I have done to her and now I chose not to be a part of what I have created, just leaving her hanging as I long for the truth and leave her in the lie of it all, it all feels like such a huge divide.
My mum and dad turned up the other day with presents and for the first time they have not bought anything for me which I was happy about as I don't want it and I have told them that. They are very disappointed with me and my dad hasn't seen me for about a year after I told him he scared me, he never came back to my house so I was surprised to see him and it all felt so awkward as he and my mum argued as she forced him through my door. He came into my lounge and said " Oh I see you've changed your tune about Christmas" and I asked him what he meant and he commented about me having a tree up and I replied by telling him it wasn't me, it was Faye who desired it and I didn't want to stop her and he replied with "She's a good girl, I don't blame her" snide comments and a look on his face of contempt for me as I was no longer doing what he wanted, celebrating Christmas with them as a family, I had rebelled and made the celebrate it by themselves or go away as they do now so they can be a part of something that I have taken away from them. They will spend it at home by themselves and so will I. I could feel his hate for me and our meeting was very cold and distant as he washes his hands of me and for the first time I truly felt how he feels about me when I don't do as he wants, HATE.
Faye is now happy as she has her Christmas sorted out with her family and I feel relieved as I have my desire too, to be alone and feel all I need to feel and my main feelings are how I have hurt Faye and lied to her and made her believe in the fantasy as I did and how disappointed in me my family are no longer going along with their fantasy, how hated I am by every one by opting out and staying true to my feelings.
Inside of me I long for a time when I can be with other Feeling Healing people who have all turned their backs on these false celebrations and only celebrate the truth of another feeling coming to light in their lives, that is true celebration and worthy of all of the joy felt when truth comes and the love of God enters them. This is what I truly long for and the only thing worth celebrating as I advance in truth through my feelings.
I have no interest in it all and have had to watch all of the falseness and fantasy I have created in my daughter as she still wants to be the little girl looking forward to all of the excitement of Christmas. Trying to stay true to my feelings whilst seeing the disappointment in her that she cant share the festivities with me is very painful, she is very alone again.
She decided to take up her Aunties offer of spending Christmas with them, Faye has been born into a large Romany Gypsy family and they all get together on Christmas day and have a huge party but she is still sad that I no longer am a part of her Christmas. It has been tough over the last few years as I have explained to her that I no longer feel I want to celebrate the falseness of the made up season, celebrating the birth of Jesus giving him worship that he doesn't even want, it all felt so wrong and false and I couldn't do it any longer. For quite a few years, before I came across Feeling Healing, my love of Christmas was beginning to wane and I couldn't understand what was happening to me, I was gutted that I was no longer looking forward to Christmas and felt such a disappointment with in me, a real loss and I tried to deny it, not to feel it and jolly myself up to the season and get into the spirit but I now know that this was the truth coming to light inside of me and now those feelings of truth I no longer want to deny and Christmas and even my Birthday means nothing to me.
Faye's desire is to celebrate Christmas and she must do as she feels without me interfering so she put up the tree and did a beautiful job of it but she feels very alone in her celebrations because I cant join in and I feel terrible about how I have abandoned her by suddenly deciding to 'Come Out' to her and say how I feel when I have made her believe in it all having spent a life of loving Christmas and all of the false magic and Faye now displays my love of Christmas but is on her own with it. And how do I feel about it all, Fucking awful at what I have done to her, the lies I have made and insisted she believes as it has been such an important time for family to be together in our family. I am destroyed inside as I see what I have done to her and now I chose not to be a part of what I have created, just leaving her hanging as I long for the truth and leave her in the lie of it all, it all feels like such a huge divide.
My mum and dad turned up the other day with presents and for the first time they have not bought anything for me which I was happy about as I don't want it and I have told them that. They are very disappointed with me and my dad hasn't seen me for about a year after I told him he scared me, he never came back to my house so I was surprised to see him and it all felt so awkward as he and my mum argued as she forced him through my door. He came into my lounge and said " Oh I see you've changed your tune about Christmas" and I asked him what he meant and he commented about me having a tree up and I replied by telling him it wasn't me, it was Faye who desired it and I didn't want to stop her and he replied with "She's a good girl, I don't blame her" snide comments and a look on his face of contempt for me as I was no longer doing what he wanted, celebrating Christmas with them as a family, I had rebelled and made the celebrate it by themselves or go away as they do now so they can be a part of something that I have taken away from them. They will spend it at home by themselves and so will I. I could feel his hate for me and our meeting was very cold and distant as he washes his hands of me and for the first time I truly felt how he feels about me when I don't do as he wants, HATE.
Faye is now happy as she has her Christmas sorted out with her family and I feel relieved as I have my desire too, to be alone and feel all I need to feel and my main feelings are how I have hurt Faye and lied to her and made her believe in the fantasy as I did and how disappointed in me my family are no longer going along with their fantasy, how hated I am by every one by opting out and staying true to my feelings.
Inside of me I long for a time when I can be with other Feeling Healing people who have all turned their backs on these false celebrations and only celebrate the truth of another feeling coming to light in their lives, that is true celebration and worthy of all of the joy felt when truth comes and the love of God enters them. This is what I truly long for and the only thing worth celebrating as I advance in truth through my feelings.