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Post by Nowureez on Oct 8, 2017 6:19:56 GMT 10
I have not written to acknowledge a bad feeling for 6 days. I have constantly found an excuse not to do so. I have been seeking every escape I can so as not to truly acknowledge my feelings. Through this I have learnt how I have been diverting my attention from the truth.
For example, yesterday I got up quite early and had 3-4 hours before I was to go to golf. I was sitting in the lounge feeling very despondent, something which has been the norm for quite some time and for which I have been seeking the truth of - seeking the right person to heal me.
I wanted to sit down and write but instead escaped by watching TV until I got ready for golf. I knew I could get some temporary relief from my feelings at golf also.
From this I have really started to understand how I have been denying my living the truth, how I have been in my own little truth rebellion.
The event that really triggered anger in me was on Friday when talking to my franchisor. Franchisors have an obligation to ring each franchisee on a “compliance” call once a month to ensure they are not ignoring their franchisees. So this, as usual, really pissed me off.
I long for the truth of these feelings and ask the heavenly Mother and Father to help me see the truth of these feelings.
I accept that the anger is a reflection of my soul personality.
It pisses me off because their contact with me is only ever to fulfill their obligation. They don’t ring me out of any real interest. I am just a franchisee out on my own, living far from where they are and they call just to make sure they don’t get in trouble with their hierarchy.
How do I feel about the anger? Neglected is how I feel about the situation. They are much more interested in themselves and their business than they are in me. A half hour each month is all they want to give me. I get a feeling of how when we were children we used to be told constantly by Mum to go outside, go away, don't disturb her. Sure she took us to the beach every day in summer which was for us. Or was is? She wanted to soak up the sun and just took us along with her. When we got home she would hide inside her bedroom and tell us to get outside so she wouldn't be disturbed in her afternoon nap. We were really frightened if we made a noise. She would come down the hall ranting and raving, waving her thong around ready to smack us on the arse. We weren't allowed in our own house. Banished until she had had her rest. How was that fair. Your home is your sanctuary and we weren't allowed in it I accept that the anger is a reflection of my soul personality.
How do I feel about being neglected? Alone, unloved, sad. I have always felt on the outer from a child. I have never really felt part of the inner circle of a group. I long for the truth and understanding of why I feel this way.
I accept that feeling alone, unloved and sad is a reflection of my soul personality.
I long for the truth of these feelings.
There was a time I went to my first kindy. I hated it and used to cry my eyes out when I was left there. I don’t recall ever doing anything but. It was a catholic kindy. Fancy that. They had three classrooms segregated by nationality. Australians in one, Italians in another and I think portuguese was the third. We were never to mix with the others. I think it must have been run by Nuns. They took us out to the church one day which was out the back. Starting their indoctrination. We were told god lived in the tabernacle. What a ridiculous thought. I knew nobody could ever live in anything so small. I still feel myself as that small child sitting on the floor in the church amazed by such a silly story. Aagh. The rubbish spoken by the church. I get frustrated by the stupidity of church rituals. I accept that the feeling of frustration is a part of my soul personality and honour those feelings.
I long to understand the truth of my feelings.
I long for divine love.
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Post by James on Oct 8, 2017 16:09:38 GMT 10
That sounds really good Graham, and that’s all it is, as you can see, the truth is all there contained within your feelings, and you can keep working those feelings, as you will as they keep coming up, staying with any other bad ones that come, which will take you progressively deeper into them and yourself. And slowly the picture and truth of yourself, and your relationship with your parents, will unfold. You could take it further by focusing on you feeling angry at your mum for treating you so badly, so how about writing out that anger with her? Possibly starting with something like: I feel angry how mum didn’t allow us in the house, our own house... Or even: I’m angry mum didn’t allow us in the house... and then letting that anger and the emotion of it, have its say.
And might I suggest where you say ‘my soul personality’, you should simply say ‘me’. You are your soul - you’re it! “I accept that the feeling of frustration is a part of me and I am honouring these feelings of mine.” It personalises it more, bringing it closer to yourself, owning it even more, being who you are - what you’re feeling. They are what I feel. I feel frustrated... “I accept that feeling alone, unloved and sad is a reflection of myself - ME. It’s you - me - and you are trying to get away from your mind categorising and formularising it, just keeping it true to yourself and your feelings. To help you begin it’s good that you’ve formalised it as such, “I long for the truth of my feelings” to help you orientate your mind. I understand you are doing what I’ve written to show you’re doing the right things, however as Marion suggests, you can move beyond that by personalising your longing more by simply saying: Please help me Mother and Father see the truth, please help me get in touch with my feelings more. Say it as real and unaffected and un-formularised as you can, for example: I want the truth... please Mother and Father show me the truth of myself through my feelings... something like that, just how you’d normally talk. Because you WANTING the truth should contain your feeling of longing for it.
I hope this helps.
It’s all very ironic, and please forgive me for at laughing at myself, but I am the least personal person, with Marion continually having to show me how to be more personal, and yet now here I am telling you Graham to be more personal. As if I would know how to be! This whole Healing thing is bizarre!
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Post by Nowureez on Oct 8, 2017 19:46:26 GMT 10
Thank you James for the input. Very helpful.
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Post by Nowureez on Oct 22, 2017 8:50:59 GMT 10
Currently I work as a carpet cleaner. Sometimes I undertake what is referred to over here in Queensland as "bond cleaning". It is where a tenant ends a lease and needs to clean the house to the extreme. The work is inspected by the property manager and most likely rejected. So this week I did a bond clean and got the rejection. As usual, I was angry with the property manager for sending the list of things I had to re-clean. How dare they say my work wasn't good enough. I looked for the truth of the anger I was feeling towards the property manager. I had to "always be right and perfect" was the feeling that came up. Searching again into the truth of that feeling and I came up with the feeling of "small". Well that threw me. How can small be a feeling? Looking for the truth of "small" and I felt and saw myself cowering, crouched behind a door. Now I can tell you I have no memory of this sort of thing happening to me as a child, but the feeling was very strong. Looking into the truth of that vision/feeling and it came to me that when I was young, I was asked to do lots of chores around the house. If I didn't do them properly first time, well there was a strong possibility of a thong (in a Australia that is footwear) being wrapped around my arse. So then the truth of the situation came up. All through the bond cleaning job, I am stressed/in fear of being judged not perfect. In fact my whole working life I have subjected myself to fear of not doing a job perfectly. To the stage it is often easier not to do anything for fear of not doing it perfectly. And it was at this point I first got an understanding of how my mother had brought us up in a constant state of fear. Expecting us to perform always to her "perfect" standards. For the first time I really understood how wrong and unloving my mothers actions were. How unloving it is for a parent to have their children in a constant state of fear. I am angry at my mother for bringing me up this way. And I am angry at myself for subjecting my children to exactly the same state of fear and un-lovingness. I thank The Heavenly Mother & Father for helping me to see the truth of my feelings and acknowledge that all these feelings are who I truly am.
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Post by Nowureez on Oct 23, 2017 9:19:05 GMT 10
Today I feel so flat. It is Monday and I don't have any jobs on. The one I had has been re-scheduled to tomorrow. This should be a good thing. I have plenty of bookkeeping to catch up on and having the extra time to do that is a blessing. The sun is shining now after several days of dull and rainy weather. There are several potential jobs for me to schedule and so having some spare time today ring them is fantastic. But I struggle to do these relatively simple chores. And have for many, many years. I am an impostor pretending to run a good business. I was an impostor pretending to be a good employee. A high potential non-performer. In all my life I still haven,t found what I am looking for. Haha. Those are the words of a U2 song. I was in a "spiritual" conference 10 years ago. The presenter put this song on. I just burst into tears. Nothing has changed. It's not that I have no jobs to do that is making me flat. It is that I don't have something urgent and pressing to keep me busy. If I am busy, I can hide from the life I am living. Always looking for a diversion. I don't address what I need to in the business world, I don't address what I need to in my personal world. Perhaps I should leave this post for later and go and play golf. That's a good diversion. So my options today are three. 1. Gee myself up. Deny my feelings. Hop into a positive mental attitude and build a screaming hot business. 2. sit on the lounge and watch TV hiding from the truth and justifying it by saying I need a good rest. ( I just had 2 days of that). 3. Long to the Mother and Father for the truth of why I feel this way almost every day. How does the feeling of "flat" feel? It makes me feel hollow and empty, worthless, a pretender. Which in turn makes me feel quite sad. Please show me the truth of feeling "sad". It now makes me angry that I have been like this for so many years. I am now taken back to my secondary school years. I hated going to school, except for days where sport was on. What was the relevance? Why is it so imperative that everyone must get a Uni degree to get on in life. What if you don't want to? Why is it so important to both my parents that they can say their son is a professional? Is that the only way we can be accepted by them. The only way we can live to their standards? Well fuck 'em. I never wanted to get a degree. Which is probably why I didn't in the end. A Uni dropout. When Dad said he would support me financially through Uni only if I went straight to Uni and didn't have a gap year, he was only providing conditional support, conditional love. If I conformed to his way of living, his vision of whom he wanted me to be, his desire to be judged favorably by his peers if his son had a degree. So I feel pretty angry towards Dad for the way he refused to support how I wanted to live my life. My ideas were never discussed. I was never able to canvass them and seek different ideas. It was his way or the highway. And Mum wasn't any more loving. I would have been in my early 20s. Living in a small far north town experiencing my life as I wanted to. And in a phone call she told me it was time to come home and start living properly. That still pisses me off.
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Post by James on Oct 23, 2017 20:45:04 GMT 10
Really good Graham, perfect. Wow, it's great how it unfolds for you, it’s so good reading another person working on themselves like this, and so successfully. I’m looking forward to reading what else comes.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 30, 2017 14:05:24 GMT 10
I am so ill, I have been expressing so much and so much truth has come to me and now I am left with what was underneath all of the lies and denial, sickness, powerlessness, weakness, everything I am scared of and don't want to be and as the truth comes up, it feels good but then is swiftly followed by the truth of how I really feel, very bad.
More of my deep Evilness has come up for me to see, and I am feeling very shameful about it but my latest addiction has been revealed to me as being yet more grabbing for power and also a need for excitement, watching the NEWS, something I have never been interested in really but have a real fascination for it at the moment, loving all the conflict between Trump and Northern Career and all of the shit that he is dragging up on every one, I am bloody loving it.
As all of my interests have disappeared as I find out the truth of why I am doing them I am left with nothing in my life, nothing good, nothing to look forward to, no surprises or good feelings, everything I loved doing. I now hate and cant see what I saw in doing those things so I have had this up surging interest in the NEWS, its all I have to get my kicks and its fucking sick, I am ashamed to say it makes me feel powerful, just another way I am feeding my need for power by understanding what is going on in the world, it isn't just an interest as I thought it was, although weird for me as I am not usually to interested, but of late it is a bit of an addiction and it feels like all I have.
I am so without anything exciting in my life I am feeling excited by the thought of another War breaking out, this isn't right, its fucking Evil but I feel it, I want it because I am so bored in my own life as I have nothing left, it was all false and has now all gone, all of my Art, my Mosaic work, my wood carvings, my love of Wine, tea and coffee, all of my good stuff has gone now and I don't want it, in fact I hate it all and cant see what I ever saw in any of it and I am left with nothing but a huge emptiness to feel because this is the truth of why I was doing all of that, so I didn't have to feel the truth of how Empty I feel inside without any real or true love, as a child I was empty and I found ways of filling that emptiness, I did things! Now those things have all gone and the emptiness is still there so my mind sneakily finds something else to grab hold of to gain power and excitement, its all so sick and at the moment I am physically sick to show me how sick it all is.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 1, 2017 20:32:13 GMT 10
I am discovering that I actually feel better when I am feeling ill, all my life I have felt a feeling of relief when I get ill and I have only just discovered why!
I can be as true to how awful I feel inside without having to pretend I am ok, my illness is telling me the truth and that is that I am not ok and it takes so much to pretend and deny all of those awful feelings just so I can stay powerful and in control. When I am sick it is a relief that I don't have to pretend anymore that I am ok, I can just be the sick, weak, powerless, pathetic lump that I am, it is aloud and accepted because I am ill, any other time I wouldn't be accepted to be like this, I would have all of those comments thrown at me like "Pull yourself together Sam, Go to the doctor, do something to make yourself feel better etc."
I like being ill, it is who I am in my pain, it is the truth of it all coming out in its ugliness, this is me and my pain manifest, this is the real state of me and I am a mess. I can let go in my illness because it is accepted because I am ill, I feel relieved to be ill because it is true, it is me and I don't have to cover it up.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 2, 2017 19:02:48 GMT 10
More pain last night with Faye. She has stepped it up and the Anger is pouring out of her. She has been abandoned by all of her friends as they are all of with boyfriends and other groups and Faye has been forgotten. She screamed at me that she is 18 and has no friends, no one and all she does is sit in her room every night, Alone.
As I sat and listened to her I just felt so desperately unable to help her, to change it all for her and wished she could understand more about how expressing how she feels is helping herself and will change things. She was in no state to listen to me on anything, she just screamed at me that I want her to express and she is, the same shit every night and nothing changes for her, its just more of the same loneliness every night, she was really screaming this at me and I felt so powerless to give her any answers, it was so hard. All I can do is be there for her, to let her rant and be angry and I just sat there like a pathetic nothing, with tears rolling down my face as she shouted at me about her pointless shit life. It is just how I feel so I took it all in.
I felt like I was being screamed at by my mum and dad and I was like a little child cowering in the corner not knowing what to do, curled up in a ball crying and feeling totally powerless to do anything to defend myself or explain. She didn't want to hear anything from me so I didn't even try to talk just listen to her. Her understanding the way it all works wasn't needed at this point all she needed to do is what she was doing, get it all out and have someone their for her to just be open to all she felt, even if I didn't say anything to her, I just had to be open to her.
I did feel scared as she got louder, I have never had her really shout at me and I felt very pathetic and small as she told me no one could help her and this is exactly how I felt at her age, I was alone with my mind and it was awful. Faye said she felt like she is going mad inside with the rage that's inside her at being so abandoned by everyone and left so alone as they all go off having fun. I just felt so useless to her, she wanted answers and everything I said to her, failed and made her more angry as nothing is changing for her, she is not wanted.
I have all of this in me, its how I feel and she is reflecting it all back to me and showing me how bad it feels and we both cry together about it and I know that it is good, we are chipping away at the pain no matter how many times we have to go through it all, repeating the same old boring feelings time after time, I know it is all working and I can see what was done to me and what I have done to her and she knows the root of her pain comes from me and is just touching the anger of what I have done to her. I know she could end up hating me for it the more she goes into her anger, the more she understands how it all came about as I explain it to her bit by bit and tell her how sorry I am for how I treated her in her forming years and I have said this to her, how desperately sorry I am for all I have done, even last night I explained how I taught her to be lonely, she had no choice because I was lonely without no real friends, only flimsy relationships. I want her to know the truth of why she is the was she is and this involves a lot of telling her about my past to understand and how I was feeling so she can understand what I poured into her, all of my crap and it is all coming back to me through Faye and I am so, so sorry. The truth helps her to not be so confused about it all but I have a huge amount of anger to come at me from Faye, I can feel it and I want her to give it all to me, all the vileness she feels towards me, I want it all out of her, it is poison and its in me too.
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Post by samantha9 on Nov 9, 2017 4:43:27 GMT 10
Last night I was in agony in my face and Jaw, like I had burning in my facial bones and I get this a lot at night, it is agony. But last night I begun to do something strange that I have never done before after asking Mother and Father to help me find the truth of my pain.
I was sitting on my bed and I begun rocking and suddenly my jaws begun chattering like when your cold, it was uncontrollable and I begun to make weird noises too, moaning and then saying "I-YI-YI-YI-YI" and then repeating it over and over until it come to a natural end. My whole body went with it and wanted to be loud and make these noises and it sounded like the words of the pain, those were the noises the pain wanted to express and it felt like the pain was draining out of me as I was making those noises and as my Jaw was uncontrollably chattering at the same time.
It felt GOOD, so good to be weird and make weird noises, I felt free and my face unlocked itself as I went deeper into my weirdness of noise. I loved doing it and will do it again if it is needed by my pain so I think a new level of expression is coming and I think it could be very loud and weird. I have always been scared of being loud and weird, it isn't liked or wanted and you are thought of as peculiar or mental, and I looked it, but it is just what I needed to free myself of that pain, the pain of looking weird.
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Post by Nowureez on Nov 27, 2017 22:45:48 GMT 10
How do I feel about the great U Turn and being at the forefront? Overwhelmed and scared. Not scared in a negative way, but what that really holds for my future, in responsibility. So what does overwhelmed really feel like? It is like I have placed my life on hold waiting for the next thing to happen. I have placed my life on hold all my life. I have never really committed to anything. Ah. So that is what I am feeling. A fear of committing to a cause for the first time ever. What will it feel like to be the ridicule of the average idiot who sees me off with the fairies? How will I be able to fend off the barb?. Will I have to sever ties with all my current friends, associates? Will I have to move out of my comfort zone of living a life which is familiar, meaningless, joyless in the most part? I long for the truth about me not ever being able to commit fully? To anything. From a religious perspective it is just falsity. I have always seen the flaws in the religious beliefs - or more their man made rules. Mum and Dad were of different religions. We were to follow Dads religion of Catholicism as, when they got married, my mother had to vow submission to and to bring up children into the Catholic way of thinking. Well, she sure made us go to church as good little Micks. But Dad didn’t go, and Mum couldn’t enter the church, so what a crock of shit all that was. I have never discussed religion, spirituality or anything of such nature with either of my parents. It was all wishy washy garbage to keep someone happy. But I don’t know who. So I feel like I was sent up a garden path to follow some myth and magic, without guidance or support, for an unknown reason, without any end goal. And that is exactly how I have lived my life to date.
So following on from yesterday and the religion deal. I long for the truth about my feelings on my parents views on religion. I feel they didn’t really have a position on religion. They didn’t practice it. They had no faith they followed. They never actively sought the truth, nor ever encouraged us to seek the truth. They handed over all their responsibility for teaching me the love of God to someone they didn’t even know. They handed the responsibility to people who don’t even know the love of God. They forced the will of the church on me against my will. And as a result I have lived my entire life rejecting God. I have rebelled every step of the way. I had no sense of God as a young man and ridiculed the idea of being a believer of God. I looked at “New Age” thinking and did everything I could to deny the existence of God. I even exchanged words to justify denying God. Words like Higher Power, God Force, The Light. Truly loving parents would seek the truth of God, guide their children to do the same, help them understand the path to eternal life and to strive to reach paradise. My earthly parents avoided the responsibility entirely. And I have perpetuated the same lousy parenting on my children. However, I promise to show them the way to love God. At the same time I will make it very clear that they have a free will to know God, or not, in whatever fashion they choose. I will not judge them or impose my will on them. These feelings are my truth. And I thank my Heavenly Mother and Father for helping me understand the truth of my feelings.
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Post by Nowureez on Dec 17, 2017 16:34:00 GMT 10
For years now I have been struggling with excessive eating. Sure there are many occasions I have had the discipline to stick to a strict diet regime and have lost lots of weight. But the issue keeps recurring.
More recently I have almost been defiant in how I approach food. I am very aware of the right foods to be eating, enjoy them, know how much more energy I have when eating them, and enjoy the self esteem felt when people notice how well I look. Every day I opt for foods that make me feel sick, bloated, and I know are not good for my health. Each time I feel the need to eat, I know it is wrong, but say to myself - fuck it. I will eat properly tomorrow.
So now I want to acknowledge how bad I feel almost all day every day from the food I eat. Not just from the effects on my body, but from the guilt from eating food I know I shouldn’t. Heavenly Mother and Father, please help me see the truth behind my feelings relating to food.
What is the truth behind the feeling of guilt when I eat foods that are not good for my health? What does the feeling of guilt feel like? It feels like I am sneaking food behind my own back. So what is the truth of sneaking food? I see it as a reward. A special treat. I need to reward myself because no one else does. I do good things and it is just expected of me. No gratitude.
So what is the truth behind the feelings of not receiving gratitude from others? As children, we all had to do our chores before going to the beach, which was our treat. Or was it our mother’s treat? We loved the beach but she was the one who wanted to go there every day in summer. She wanted the house pristine before we went so there was nothing to do when we came back. The beach was her reward but she pretended it was our reward. There was no special thank you for the cleaning I did. No acknowledgement of it. So now, after every job I do, I seek reward - gratitude - from myself.
Sweet foods and soft drinks were an absolute rarity as a child. It was only at family gatherings - the Sunday BBQ, christmas, visitors over - where those things were made available to us. So these things evoke feelings of being close and loved with family all around. A feeling of safe.
So it seems I am looking for that feeling of safety, for that feeling of being a part of a loving family. I acknowledge this is who I really am.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 18, 2017 21:57:40 GMT 10
I loved your post it is something I have to feel about constantly and it has made me very aware of just how I have no idea about how bad I really am until I a in it all, being it. I am shocked at m compulsion to eat and all that has been stopping me is my mind telling me not to, I will get fat and no one will love me if I get fat, I will not be accepted.
I have kept myself on strict healthy eating regimes like you are saying. Hearing my mums words in my head " Don't let yourself go Sam" she has always been slim, enjoying the attention and acceptance she has received and to not be like her would be unacceptable so I have had to hold it all up, be like her to keep her approval of me and to make her proud of her slim daughters so she feels good as a mother and role model that all of her daughters are in control. It has been so tough to maintain this façade of hers, the pressure is incredible to stay slim but I am feeling recently, it has been taken out of my hands, I am no longer in control and I am scared, very scared.
I loved all you said about guilt and the feelings of gratitude and the awful bribery your Mother used on you and the use of food as a reward is something I have also felt because we were only allowed something sweet if we finisher all of our dinner, then we got our reward, or if we had been good. Now I also feel I need to reward myself for being a good girl because no one else does, no one recognises me and I am left with so much emptiness inside if I don't reward myself with chocolate or something good to give me that good feeling, I then feel completion and satisfied for a very short while and this makes me feel so hopeless because it is a craving that has a power all of its own, it is so much stronger that me and I cant do anything about it any more. My mind no longer works at telling myself I cant have it, the feeling is so strong that I go for the addiction and feel so utterly useless afterwards, so completely powerless, pathetic and empty because I have given in again.
The disappointment I feel in myself when I am in my addictions is unbearable and it is getting stronger. I ask Mother and Father for help to know the truth of my eating addictions and I feel like they have ramped it all up on me, making me even worse, plunging me even deeper in the truth of my addiction so that I can see the truth of it for myself and I can only do that by being it completely and feeling it all as I am being it and I fucking HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT. I hate putting on weight, this is what I have been trying to avoid all my life but that no longer works, I have to be it to know the truth of how it makes me feel, and it makes me feel disgusting, ugly, unattractive, like the vilest person in the world that no one will ever love or want and this is how mum and dad felt about overweight people so this is how I also feel about myself and others and I have only discovered this truth by being it and feeling all the terror of being so unloved when I am not perfect as mum and dad wanted me, I am the black sheep that no one wants or talks about, just pretend I don't exist as I make them look like bad parents.
Food is my friend, my love, my good feeling, my safety, my comfort, my ecstasy, it gives me that missing feeling and replaces what I never felt from mum and dad, love. But because it is false love it is hurting me, it is a substitute so it is hurting me. Even though it all tastes so good it gives me dual feelings like " oh my god this is so good, then, oh my god I feel so awful, so hopeless, such a failure ......". It is a replacement, a false feeling of love because I cant feel the real thing from mum and dad or Mother and Father so the good feeling cant be sustained for more than a few seconds so it is fake and has no longevity like real love would.
I have gone up a size in my cloths from a 12 to a 14 and I am devastated, the feelings I am in at the moment, I cant really describe because they are so low, so disappointing that its a underlying feeling that is constantly with me in everything I do and I am so programmed to tell myself not to eat this or that because it will put weight on me and no one will want me if I am not perfect. Mum and dad just wanted a perfect looking child that they could display and be proud of and I feel like that is what I have to be in life and it makes me feel so hollow inside and they should have just bought some mannequins to dress up. I feel like such a failure and so embarrassing and no one should see me as I am such a waste of space and as I write this I feel mum and dad with me constantly feeling all of what I am writing but never saying it to me, lying constantly that I am ok the way I am but that is all bullshit, they want me with a perfect figure, fully made up with make up and looking like a successful woman they can be proud of. I AM NOT THAT WOMAN and God is showing me the truth of all I have denied whilst trying to be their ideal child. I feel devastated inside and such a disappointment to every one.
I loved what you wrote Graham, thank you for writing it and I would love to hear of how you feel God is helping you to feel your pain about this subject. I ask God and God puts me in it, right in it showing me that I cant control it any more, it is pointless to even try as I used to. I am eating what my mind(my mum and dad) says I shouldn't and I want to punish myself, smack myself on the hand when I go for that biscuit or cake. I feel utterly gutted at my lose of control over this and all I can do is feel it all, what Mother and Father want me to feel so I can heal it out of me but first they want me to be it fully and I am hating it, fucking hating being it but I cant keep on fighting them and I am giving in because I cant win, I never could.
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Post by Nowureez on Dec 19, 2017 18:27:45 GMT 10
Hi Sam, I like how you expanded on the “eating healing” post. Yes, I feel very similar in all those situations – stuff what the mind says, I am going to eat what I feel like. Which is junk. Then I feel really bad from the self esteem point of view, plus just plain sick in the bloated stomach. You ask how I feel God is helping me. Well, the truth is, I still don’t really understand. I am at the very beginning of this journey of feeling and soul healing. I am not even sure if I am working through my feelings or my mind. My experiences don’t mirror yours and James, in that you guys seem to get into the depths of despair. Your feelings seem to engulf you. I am not getting such intense reactions. Perhaps because I am at the very start of my healing, perhaps I am not really prepared to let go, perhaps I am thinking my way through this rather than feeling through it, perhaps that is just going to be how it is for me. When I ask the Heavenly Mother and Father to help me with the truth, and I drill down into my feelings (or what I assume are) then I land at a childhood repressive event/situation I need to deal with. So, in that, I feel I am being helped by God and that I am working through my feelings. However, when I see the truth, I haven’t experienced the depth of anger at my parents James and you seem to feel. So the same doubts as the above paragraph come up again. I am getting more intense negative patterns of life repeating as I get older. In this, I do feel God is guiding me to deal with childhood repressions. More and more they bog me down. This has been happening for years and I have looked for ways to “fix me”. The only method that really rings true to me is the “Feeling Healing”. All the new age meditations, healings, modalities rely on someone else having some special skills and working on me. The Feeling Healing really empowers me to work on me. Since I have started longing for Divine Love, longing for the truth through feeling healing, my life has really turned around. I still get lots of depressing moments throughout the day, but I seem to have much more purpose for living, and living is becoming easier. The rapid changes also make me wonder if I am working through my feelings or my mind. Am I just pretending to myself and suppressing more feelings than before? I guess if I keep going as I have, and I am operating from my mind, then God will intensify the repeating patterns so I finally learn how to release the repressions. Looks like a few more things to ask God for the truth of.
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Post by James on Dec 19, 2017 21:06:52 GMT 10
Graham, I asked Marion to read your post, and this is what she said, along with telling you it’s very good all you are doing - these are her words: Marion: Actually, I think Graham's doing very well.........I think he's doing the right thing, just that he must then, at the end of all that, FEEL the feelings ~ let himself go INTO them. I think you have to do what he has done, to get to the feelings, and then, then focus on how you feel about all the bits: like, his mother doing it for herself and not for him, and being deceitful about that, etc.............all the FEELINGS he has about every part of what he has seen about his life. Hope that's helpful.
And: I loved all that Graham said. I think it's really good. It's just the feelings that are the hard part to acknowledge. But you do have to do that part, the mental work, to get to the feelings, so you then can think into, and feel, them. Keep thinking about how you actually feel about the various parts ~ and about the whole situation. The childhood situation. And deliberately try to feel the worst feelings you can. Feel as bad as you can, and stay with that, and try to feel worse and worse. Admit the worst, most awful feelings you can conjure up. Try to cry. Crying is the ultimate feeling. That's always at the bottom of it all. So, anything that can help you to cry, is very good.
My worry Graham was that, as it seems so easy for you to connect back, at least mentally, with what happened during your early life, that you might keep doing that whilst ignoring the deeper underlying pain of it all. I do that, use my mind to look for the immediate answers, all at the detriment of my bad feeling expression. I use a quick fix trying and solve the problem, overlooking my deeper repressed feelings. And I wrongly then believe, that because I’ve seen how it relates mentally, that I’ve then done all I need to do, which is only one part of my Healing, and missing out the most important part - expressing all the horrible feelings connected with it all.
However in talking about it with Marion, as she said above, she said as it with me and possibly a lot of men, we need to mentally work to uncover the picture of our problem, and then using that, work to try and connect more with our deeper repressed feelings which we’re so good at denying. She said, for someone like herself and Samantha, the emotion and feeling is just there, or if it’s not, it soon comes rushing up anyway, and she can’t not express it as she sees the picture of how it connects. So as she said, if you can try to feel if you feel bad about some of these key things you said in this post, then they should open doorways deeper into your hidden feelings. Into all the pain. Into all the good stuff!
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Post by James on Dec 22, 2017 22:11:18 GMT 10
Hi Sam, Marion was reading your 18 Dec post and from what we were talking about, I wanted to try and convey how she sees our Healing in relationship with the Father (she still relates more to the Father than the Mother)
It's not that you're doing anything wrong, and I don't even know if it's anything that might help you, or anyone in their Healing, and I don't even know if I've conveyed it well enough, however I thought I'd still post it.
Marion and I were talking about blaming the Mother and Father for pushing us down into our yuk and bad feelings, making it so difficult for us.
And she was saying, that it wasn’t Them doing it to us, it’s we doing it all to ourselves - which is our free will. She maintains that it’s as if we grew up in one house with the parents we had who forced us to become as they are, we choosing to turn against ourselves by following their lead, and so living going against ourselves, walking away from our true selves. And then we can choose to stop doing that, so turn around and walk back, as it were, to find or become our lost true selves. So it being like we’re now moving to live in a different house with different parents (the Mother and Father), and we’re having to adjust ourselves to Their way of doing things, which brings up all the yuk within ourselves, all our wrongness that resulted from the way of our parents.
So she wanted to point out, that’s it’s not actually the Mother and Father pushing us down into our yuk, making us feel bad, making us have to face the hidden truth of ourself, that that’s all our own doing, all which results from us saying no to our parents and yes to our own true way.
That our Mother and Father are just there, have always been there, have set the whole thing in motion, yet have given us the way within ourselves to live our lives using our will however we feel. And so we live against ourselves to start with, which is okay and even desired by Them; then we end that through doing our Healing, stopping and having to face how we’ve been doing that and all it’s made us feel going against ourselves. Which They say is fine, you do as you want.
So it’s not our Mother and Father telling us what to do and forcing us to do it throughout out Healing, as They don’t force or tell, that is wrong, that being what our parents did to us. So They just nurture and allow us to do things for ourselves, all of which amounts to doing what They want, but without Them directly interfering or taking over.
So we long to be with Them, long for Their help, and that’s all about trying to re-estabilsh our lost relationship and connection with Them, wanting to connect now with Them instead of with our parents. And often when we ask Them to help us, They don’t seem to do anything, and that’s because They are not really doing anything anyway, as They’ve created us to do it all ourselves.
So by staying true to our feelings and keeping on going, we just submit and accept all the yuk that we start to see about ourselves, because we are now turning and walking into the truth of ourselves, rather than walking away from ourselves. And as we walk our Healing path, so we’re seeing all the wrongness and feeling all the pain as we move deeper into ourselves, pushing past our barriers and blocks. And doing it, if you like, all with Their blessing, yet doing it all ourselves.
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 23, 2017 3:02:16 GMT 10
This has helped me see where I am still blaming Mother and Father, projecting mum and dad onto them, making me do things, yet I do know what you and Marion have said and that Mother and Father want me to be totally responsible for my own healing and free will so they don't interfere just let me do what I want to do according to my free will and the errors that drive it. As long as I am following my free will, I am doing what they want by doing what I want whether that be loving or unloving.
I am plunging myself down deeper into my feelings as new layers of truth are revealed through my longing for the truth and as those new levels are revealed, I am being them because they are the truth of how bad I feel and I have to be the truth instead of denying it. My feelings, at each new level are being manifested by me and I have to be the truth I am feeling. I am responsible for myself and all I am, because I have taken on and believed the erroneous ways of my parents and I have lived them and am now healing them.
Thank you both so much for helping me, there are such fine lines that can be crossed and confused and having you both there to help me is a blessing for me. I thought what you both wrote was so well put and sometimes I need it so spelt out for me, like a child beginning again, Thank you, thank you, thank you. xxx
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Post by samantha9 on Dec 23, 2017 5:48:11 GMT 10
I didn't feel my feelings thoroughly enough earlier about how useless and powerless I feel because I had to go out. I got to the shop and it was crazy busy in the shop so I got to the till and the queues were so long. It got to my turn and I was packing my stuff in bags and I knocked a jar of Pesto on the floor. Shit, I felt horrified as I looked behind me at the never ending queue of people with trollies full of Christmas food, I felt all of their feelings projecting at me and saw it in their faces. how pathetic, annoying, nuisance, useless a person I am which is how I was feeling before I went out but didn't feel it fully.
I said sorry to the person behind me who was all ready pissed of because we had all been waiting so long, now I did this and had to clear all the glass and Pesto up, it was every where and I didn't know what to do, I just didn't know how to do it and I had to give in and just stand there and feel all the horror of being so useless. I took a plastic bag and put the broken glass in it feeling so stupid and just letting myself feel it all, pathetic and useless getting on every ones nerves.
I was beginning to cry as I was clearing up the glass because I had had enough and I didn't care what I looked like at this stage. A shop assistant was standing over me and said she would finish off cleaning up if I wanted to go and get another jar for myself.
The smashing of this jar helped me feel all the feelings I needed to feel, it really brought them up, all of the uselessness, humiliation, patheticness I felt earlier. It was so straight to the point taking me straight to the feelings I was feeling but didn't go deep enough earlier on.
All the way home in the car I was talking to Mother and Father about how I felt, how incredibly useless I am, how much of a nuisance I have always felt to every one, how angry I make people through my stupidity, How I humiliate myself and feel so ashamed, how I feel like dying when I don't do what people want like holding them up. While I am feeling these feelings mum and dad are always in the background, the feeling of them is always with me saying all those things or if not saying them I could feel them feeling those things the people in the queue felt.
I cant keep it up, I cant be what people want me to be, I can only be myself in all of my patheticness and wrongness, I cant be what I am not and I fuck things up, I get it wrong, I do stupid things, I piss people off, I smash jars of green stuff in queues and hold everyone up, I humiliate myself all the time, I give up pretending I am perfect trying to hold it all together so I will be liked/loved/powerful.
I am a fucking wreck and that is what I have been trying so hard to disguise and I give it all up. That is what I am.
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Post by Nowureez on Dec 28, 2017 19:22:12 GMT 10
I won my first sales job when I was about 25. At the time I lived in the country and on a monthly basis would have to go to the city head office for training and sales meetings. We all had specific sales roles except one particular bloke. It seemed he was a floater. No one ever seemed to acknowledge any success of his from a sales perspective. He didn’t get any promotions. Just moved around the sales force. One day I asked my sales manager about this bloke and “what was his story?” I was told “He is a high potential non-performer.” Well, 30 years later, that is exactly how I see myself. A high potential non-performer. I was always good at sales but never had the drive to excel. I was a good sportsman, but never had the drive to go further. And now I am working on this Feeling Healing, the “High potential, non-performer” tag suits me to a T.
I find myself finding every excuse under the sun why I don’t have time to dig deep into my feelings. I am tired. I will do it tomorrow. I am busy.
The truth is twofold. First I am afraid to expose my true feelings. I don’t want to cry. I have been taught all my life not to. Have been chastised for expressing my feelings. From my parents, siblings and ex. It seems silly to be scared to cry because I live on my own. No one will witness it. No chance of getting embarrassed. But living on your own, and crying in your lounge room for no apparent reason, is even more foreign to my lifetime of feeling repression.
The second reason is, I can’t work out what a feeling is. I should sit in a quiet space (not hard when you live on your own) and meditate through these things into my feelings. But meditation for me has always been hard. As soon as I start to “get into” an issue, I get extremely agitated, can’t go on, have tremendous blocks to revealing the truth. Various healers have gotten very frustrated by my inability to “deal” with an issue - normally advising me to come back when I am ready.
Well, I am ready. I think. But I am not ready also. I think. But I want to start to strip back the daily frustrations, repeated patterns, lack of purpose. But I am powerless to do so. The blocks I raise are bigger than me. I know everything I need to know, but I don’t know what I need to.
All I can do is keep asking God for the truth of my feelings. One day, there will be a breakthrough.
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Post by James on Dec 28, 2017 21:44:21 GMT 10
I’d suggest starting with your agitation feeling. Just stay with it as long as you can allowing yourself to feel it, and not trying to work out why you have it. Then saying to the air or God, whatever you feel like saying, even if it’s just moaning, screaming, no words, noises - whatever.
It’s not about trying to meditate deeper into yourself or anything like that, it’s just about dealing with one feeling at a time. If you feel angry, for example, at anything, the smallest thing, just try and stay with that anger, saying, I’m angry, and feeling the anger and opening your mouth and letting out whatever the energy is - the anger. That’s all, and long for the truth. Don’t worry about trying to get deeper into the deeper stuff Graham, just stay with the most simple bad feelings.
See if through the day you can detect when you feel bad about anything. You’ve just written a post containing many of them. You feel annoyed that you can’t do it, don’t want to do, when you do want to do it. That’s two bad feelings - the confusion, and being annoyed with yourself. So focus on one of those feelings and let yourself FEEL it, and write or say out loud whatever it makes you feel. And once you’re connected a bit with it, you can ask yourself: How does feeling confused or annoyed or whatever - how does feeling this way - make me feel? What do I feel about feeling confused or annoyed? And taking it slowly, step by step, not even trying to see how it relates to your early life, just letting yourself feel and explore the feeling of your feeling.
And really it might not be easy for you, you might need someone else to help you. Which is hard when you live alone. However it’s a real possibility. I don’t know that I’d have been able to do it without Marion’s help. Certain feelings I can express now, however what I still do is I’ll say something, a statement, for example tell her about something I read, yet not tell her how it made me feel, or what I felt about it, so she has to keep reminding me to not just tell her the statement, but what feelings am I feeling.
And from your posts you are becoming more self-aware, some of these things you know already about yourself yet are coming to you more, others are new to you, and that is really what it’s all about, getting to know ourselves. So whatever you’re doing, that much is happening correctly.
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Post by Nowureez on Oct 29, 2021 6:50:44 GMT 10
29/10/21
It is a public holiday and I am working. I operate my own carpet cleaning business which if finally turning over enough money to keep me and another employee paid. But every day I fear it will all suddenly stop. That is, people will just stop ringing and booking jobs. So, I have to take every job that is on offer, even on holidays, because I might not get another one. I feel like I am on the precipice of failure every moment of every day. Deep down I know I am confident, competent – that I can run a very successful growing business, but I am not worthy of success. I must struggle for every dollar. The constant chant from my mother was, we can’t afford that. We don’t have enough money. It seems I am playing that out my whole life. But it is not so much about the money as it is about me. I am not good enough to have money or friends. Customers are friends but I don’t really deserve them. I am allowed to have some, but mum tells me you just can’t drop in on friends. You just can’t drop in on customers. What if they say no – the friends or the customers. I am in fear of being rejected all the time. The friend says “no, you can’t play with me today, I am playing with someone else I like more.” The customer says, “I will use someone else.” Do they really like me? All relationships are so fickle. What if they don’t like me for me? It is easier to stay home. I have spare time during the business day. I should call some businesses and ask them to choose me and work with me. But what if they say no? What if they are not home? What if I arrive at a bad time? I am on school holidays and I am alone at home. I have spare time and want something to do. I want to play with my friends. I will go to their place. I should ring first, but what if they say no. Better I just rock up. I get on my bike. I ride past their house too scared to knock. I hope they look out the window and see me and ask me in. I should go and knock on the door. What if they don’t like me. What if they don’t play with me. Mum says I just can’t drop in unannounced. I am alone, lonely, nowhere to go. No one to be with. I just ride home again. I am not allowed inside the house. Mum is sleeping, hiding from the world. I roam around the yard at home. Go into the woodshed. Do nothing. There is nothing for me. My brother and sisters are all off with friends. So I don’t go out of my office, my home and try to find some new customers. I just sit in the lounge, frozen. Fearing rejection, fearing no customers will ring, but I can’t bring myself to chase them. I do nothing. There is no one for me. Heavenly Mother and Father, I long to know the truth of whom I am. Why it is I feel so unworthy. Why, day after day for my whole life I have not felt good enough, I am different, don’t fit in, alone, unloved? My heart is locking up. I am frozen. Locked in my pain more deeply every day. Mother and Father, how will I ever fit in?
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