Just STOP!!
Jan 16, 2017 19:19:22 GMT 10
Post by samantha9 on Jan 16, 2017 19:19:22 GMT 10
Since I have been healing through my Feelings nothing of my old life works any more. I can try all I like but nothing works and God wants it this way. I cant earn any money, I cant do anything that is contributing to me not feeling my feelings, I may try, as I have but it wont work, it all fails and I am left in a crumpled mess, shouting at God because God wants me to fail in all of my unloving actions that once worked because I was furthering my denial and repression and living a fairly Normal life as everyone else is. Now it all has to go and God wants this for me.
Nothing I do works, I hit a wall every time and now I have to give it all up, I am exhausted and everything I try is just more denial to feel. Everything is futile, pointless, Nothing works. God says to me "Sam do all you like, try all you want to, try it all, it is all just more denial of me and your feelings. It will not work. All you are doing is trying to continue desperately to carry on being safe, accepted, liked, approved of and loved. This is the only reason you do anything in life, its a struggle , a fight because you are in such rebellion against me, you do not trust or have faith in me and what I can do for you. Give it all up Sam, as you are now so tired of the fight. When you give it all up you then can feel the truth of how unloved you truly feel when you stop doing all of those things that are of the world. Feel the boredom in not doing, the restlessness as your cravings nag at you to do them, the agitation and frustration of not doing and then not being acknowledged for your efforts. You do it all to keep busy so you don't have to feel. Everything you do is because of the unexpressed fear of how unsafe and unloved you felt as a child and you are desperate to keep your head above water because if you go under you have to feel the pain of drowning in your fear and pain. You do all you do because you need constant pleasure Sam, an addictive longing for constant pleasure because this feeling keeps you safe and from feeling your childhood pain, loss and lack. The pleasure gives you the feelings you crave so you construct your life to keep receiving these feelings of pleasure but they feel wrong and yukky because they are just more addictions to keep you from feeling your denial and repression, and you know it".
I am in such a crazy place, like being in a box that I cant get out of, there is no point in trying to get out I just have to be in it. I realise that I can do nothing, I feel that I have tried everything and nothing is going to work for me. I don't feel I am getting any better but in fact degrading as more of my untruth is shown to me and it bears down nearly crushing me. There is nothing for me anymore in this world, there is no Job I can do that isn't evil, I am lost. All I do is out of fear, to be safe and to be loved and I can see this about myself so what is there for me, nothing.
I feel that I am not meant to do anything in this world except to feel and heal. How do I survive like this? It could mean that I lose everything and end up on the streets because I cant work. More fear to feel about, being destitute and cold and hungry, all fears I have, God wants this for me, God knows I have these terrors in me so I have to feel them and if I wont then I have to experience them to feel them. I am in a confused mess. When I speak to God, he is so calm almost laughing at my importance over this, like none of it matters, it is just my attachment to my fears and this world and the denial of feeling them which all stem from my childhood pain and denial of feeling.
I don't know if I have made any sense, I am messed up and deep in a pit of black and can go no further. This all has to be felt to move through it so I will do that. Sorry if I have sounded insane but that is how I feel. How can some days be so clear and the next be so black, all this I feel but there is a tiny knowing in me, like a pin prick of light that pulls at me. So I keep going. Feeling there is nothing left for me but this tiny light.
Nothing I do works, I hit a wall every time and now I have to give it all up, I am exhausted and everything I try is just more denial to feel. Everything is futile, pointless, Nothing works. God says to me "Sam do all you like, try all you want to, try it all, it is all just more denial of me and your feelings. It will not work. All you are doing is trying to continue desperately to carry on being safe, accepted, liked, approved of and loved. This is the only reason you do anything in life, its a struggle , a fight because you are in such rebellion against me, you do not trust or have faith in me and what I can do for you. Give it all up Sam, as you are now so tired of the fight. When you give it all up you then can feel the truth of how unloved you truly feel when you stop doing all of those things that are of the world. Feel the boredom in not doing, the restlessness as your cravings nag at you to do them, the agitation and frustration of not doing and then not being acknowledged for your efforts. You do it all to keep busy so you don't have to feel. Everything you do is because of the unexpressed fear of how unsafe and unloved you felt as a child and you are desperate to keep your head above water because if you go under you have to feel the pain of drowning in your fear and pain. You do all you do because you need constant pleasure Sam, an addictive longing for constant pleasure because this feeling keeps you safe and from feeling your childhood pain, loss and lack. The pleasure gives you the feelings you crave so you construct your life to keep receiving these feelings of pleasure but they feel wrong and yukky because they are just more addictions to keep you from feeling your denial and repression, and you know it".
I am in such a crazy place, like being in a box that I cant get out of, there is no point in trying to get out I just have to be in it. I realise that I can do nothing, I feel that I have tried everything and nothing is going to work for me. I don't feel I am getting any better but in fact degrading as more of my untruth is shown to me and it bears down nearly crushing me. There is nothing for me anymore in this world, there is no Job I can do that isn't evil, I am lost. All I do is out of fear, to be safe and to be loved and I can see this about myself so what is there for me, nothing.
I feel that I am not meant to do anything in this world except to feel and heal. How do I survive like this? It could mean that I lose everything and end up on the streets because I cant work. More fear to feel about, being destitute and cold and hungry, all fears I have, God wants this for me, God knows I have these terrors in me so I have to feel them and if I wont then I have to experience them to feel them. I am in a confused mess. When I speak to God, he is so calm almost laughing at my importance over this, like none of it matters, it is just my attachment to my fears and this world and the denial of feeling them which all stem from my childhood pain and denial of feeling.
I don't know if I have made any sense, I am messed up and deep in a pit of black and can go no further. This all has to be felt to move through it so I will do that. Sorry if I have sounded insane but that is how I feel. How can some days be so clear and the next be so black, all this I feel but there is a tiny knowing in me, like a pin prick of light that pulls at me. So I keep going. Feeling there is nothing left for me but this tiny light.
