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Post by James on Apr 17, 2017 11:34:55 GMT 10
LOK11, when you feel inadequate, how does this feel? How does feeling inadequate make you feel? And this should take you deeper into feeling powerless and scared and all those bad feelings. And who specifically made you feel that way when you were young? Can you remember specific situations, can you write about them? And how did they do that?
Have you really released all that childhood and hurt? Only you’ll know that LOK11, and yes, it will be interesting to see how it goes for you.
And yes, wanting to shield and protect, I’ve got a bit of that too, not as much as it seems like you have. I have it where I’m meant to look after whom I perceive as the weaker one, although I can’t actually do much as they never let me. But women, as in my younger sister, the child - the more helpless, I am meant to protect somehow, and Marion fits right into this, she being older, more unable to fit into normal life, so I can do all the practical things for her; but really help her, as in help her express all her feelings allowing and encouraging her to feel as bad as she wants and does feel, no, I get in the way, trying to stop her because then another pattern comes into play, the one that says, stop the person going too far, feeling too bad, THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THOSE BAD FEELINGS. So, so far as me being a true help and support, which is wanting her to freely feel as bad as she does and speak endlessly about all the bad things, I’m against her, wanting to prevent her. And in me, it’s Gran saying I am to help my mother and support her, she being the weaker, poorer one, even though she was the tyrant; and then it’s mum ranting and raving and I want to dong her on the head to shut her up and stop scaring the fuck out of me, and to stop going on with all that emotional nonsense - Gran again.
And I don’t know LOK11, as how can anyone know how it will be for another through their feelings, so I’ll put it like this, but I would’t be surprised concerning you having the two sets of parents, that your main Healing focus will be with the parents who raised you, and through them at times your Healing will drop down into or connect with the deeper underlying repressed feelings from your those who conceived you. But as I said, I don’t know.
And then thinking it through more, and contradicting what I just said, perhaps as you’ve said, it will be your first parents that will be the core of your yuk, your second parents being more over the top of that, so possibly not so much to work to do with them, as you’re saying...
And then again, I wonder, are the second parents similar to how the first parents might have been, or can they widely vary? Meaning, are substitute parents there to carry on the ‘good works’, which the first parents couldn’t do? Perhaps you might have some thoughts on this?
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Post by LOK11 on Apr 20, 2017 22:20:02 GMT 10
Thanks James,
Simply inadequate, - lacking in effectiveness of effort, having started something but failed in my goal. Interestingly, I can see with my thinking (mind), from reading on here, but I don't actually feel within myself:- a failure to please someone else, to please my parents - Mum for example. I don't feel scared of a consequence of failure (to my parents), only (usually) observant of it. I think i used to feel scared about it. I am more concerned now with the consequence of failure for myself, for my wife and my children. I have considered these feelings before and so I don't believe that I am unnecessarily suppressing anything per se. I am more interested in, (what I consider to be) the opposite feeling: detachment, lack of guilt or lack of scaredness or lack of empathy maybe. (perhaps I should move this response to the Healing Help thread). I don't seem to feel things in that way anymore, after doing my acceptance (feeling-healing??? maybe) of the death of the folks I called my parents. Mum and Dad were the, apparently loving, but lying, ones I saw everyday for my first nearly 20 years on Earth. My other two parents made the biology to get me there and make up the mind and body circuits needed to make me, me. It seems odd to try and elucidate this lack of feeling attachment to all four of my parents, to you guys on here, when I read your writings of the pain and anguish and feelings that you have and describe, to find the truth of, concerning your parents and childhood. I actually feel like - I feel what your saying. I maybe feel like I can empathize with your description, but I don't feel that in my feelings about my family (past and present).
I just re-read your post and the only two times I can really think of being that scared during my childhood, that it hurt to the core, was when I hadn't competed a school assignment in year 5 and Mum stayed up all night to help me with it on the night before it was due, and (maybe bigger but i didn't feel it at the time) the night my Dad attempted suicide on the front porch with us inside watch TV and everything got scary when Mum got scared and ambulances turned up. Nothing else much seems to be that scary anymore.
I guess I'm trying to see if I've suppressed stuff (everthing!!!), but I feel (in me) more like I've processed and accepted some stuff, as a reality, a truth maybe, not sure, rather than having suppressed it. I had to feel it, but now, I feel rather detached from it and I get told that I'm just an uncaring arsehole with no respect or empathy for anyone by some of my family. Just trying to decide if I am that bleak and closed off that no-one and nothing gets through or if I have actually moved on from that stuff and it no longer matters to me? I recall it as fact but without emotion.
I don't, however, like to watch someone "feeling bad" (now that I think about it) and I would rather stop them from having to feel bad at all! So, having considered the value of feeling pain and working through it and healing from it, and by it, then in order not to stop someone feeling bad feelings, it is currently my logic mind that could say to me: let them feel those bad feelings that they may become better from having them and be better next time - (even find the truth of them maybe). Ha! It now starts to feel bad to stop someone feeling bad. I do feel perplexed about that though, as it seems so ingrained in me to help another when they are feeling bad, especially the ones we "care" about........ Now more confused! Maybe that is just guilt for the hurts that I have dished out to others, in my arrogance, that I don't want to face in myself. More things to try and feel...........
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Post by James on Apr 22, 2017 13:56:24 GMT 10
Hi LOK11, now I understand more about what you’ve been saying in your previous posts, that basically feel like you’ve worked through a lot of your stuff to do with your parents. And then to get told by some of your family, all those lovely words, yeah well, what can you say!
So I guess you just keep feeling and thinking about what you think and feel about yourself - not much else any of us can do in that score. And I have to say, you’re not a bit of another ‘test case’ LOK11 - to see what happens. I can’t relate to what you’re saying because it didn’t happen to me that way, mine as you know, being straightforward with no feelings being so disconnected, and with Marion slowly awakening me - chipping away at the rock. And so perhaps your longing will grow, and that will bear fruit, when something more happens - gives? Please keep us posted. Because the other alternative is, if you have worked through all your stuff, then you’re Healed and a Celestial in flesh! John will like that one!
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Post by LOK11 on Apr 23, 2017 23:22:32 GMT 10
Hmm, seems unlikely.
Well yes, ..... what would John do with that idea....? What would I do with it......?
I'll just read some more of your writings and feel what I do feel (and keep you updated), and ask more questions, if I may, when they come up. I have no doubt there will be more.
Thanks James
L
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Post by Emiley12 on Oct 16, 2017 16:08:17 GMT 10
It is the great post. Relationships are established with the bond of two loving each other infinitely and developing their emotions accordingly.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 20, 2017 8:27:17 GMT 10
Faye and myself have had such a great breakthrough tonight with Feeling Healing. She has been sinking down deeper over the last few weeks with depression and I have told her I am here for her and her only, when she feels ready to let it out. Tonight she was ready, it was so beautiful to see her change as she expressed all of the pain out of her. This has made her ill and all I could do was watch as she sunk deeper into the denial and repression of her feelings, I could not interfere with her will but I just kept letting her know I was here when she felt it was time for her to let it go.
Tonight we spent a few hours sitting on her bed as we both cried together as she expressed how unloved and lonely and uncared about she feels, not being special to anyone and how angry she is about being so denied and rejected by all of her friends and family. The truth that came out of her was beautiful as she told me how she felt suicidal and wanted to die because she is so lonely and abandoned by everyone in her life. This was so hard for her to do, especially with me, her mum, but once she begun to express, the pressure begun to release from inside her, she was crying and shaking and all I could do was encourage her to go on, continue with how she feels, it was a truly amazing healing experience for us both as all that she is going through, I went through at exactly the same age and exactly the same experiences and it brought it all back to me, all of my unexpressed pain when I was 18 and being so alone and without hope.
All I wanted to do was to be there for her to express to, be a listener for her and help her to accept her bad feelings and tell her how important and special they are for her to heal. They are the truth of how she feels and I want to hear it all, I am there for her only, if that is all I do for the rest of my life then that is what I will do, be her listening friend, not her mum but her listening friend who treasures every expressed bad feeling and every tear because I know this is the only way to heal. I want to be to Faye what I never had, someone to talk to and express myself to. It felt so good to be there for her as more and more came up and out of her and to see the small change in her as she went on expressing her feelings of how terrifying her minds control is and just what it is capable of creating in her, she was terrified of going mad.
By the end of our time together in her room she felt so much better, lighter in her self and saw how different expressing your bad feelings makes you feel, she could feel the difference and had proof that it works and this has given her so much more hope that she doesn't have to be a prisoner to her minds controlling thoughts and that by shifting to her feelings she puts herself back in control of her life.
I am so happy that she has let me help her by just listening to her pain and taking her seriously, something I never felt I ever had with my parents. Our feelings are very serious, they are the tools given to us for our healing and Faye is beginning to see that it works, I sensed hope in her despair by the end of our healing session together and the 'mum' label was stripped away and instead I was someone who Faye could confide in, express herself to and begin to see the specialness of her bad feelings.
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Post by James on Oct 20, 2017 21:16:06 GMT 10
It’s so good to read Sam, fantastic how it all happens for you. You with the crying girl in your earlier post and now with Faye. Wonderful, so thrilling, so amazing what you are going through and how it’s all turning out. Thank you for writing it all.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 24, 2017 19:33:48 GMT 10
I have been feeling the deep truth that I have never loved anyone, not my friends, not my partners and not my children. This has hit me hard this week as the revelation came to me that I have been loving them with mum and dads version of love as they taught me. Shit it all feels so false and flimsy and I am finding it so hard to put the feeling of it into words. I have never felt my own love and this is very confusing to me still so I might write a load of crap but I will carry on.
As I was sitting there listening to my daughter telling me how empty she feels and how she wants to die I realised that she has the same emptiness as I have felt all my life, she is alone as I have been all my life and it cant be any other way, I can only be to her what is inside of me, I cant be any other way. I have never felt love from mum and dad so she can never have felt loved by me because it is not in me and I cant be what I am not. All y life I have thought I was a loving mum but it has only just really hit me that I am the opposite and when the truth fills you it is such a sure feeling that it cannot be denied, I have never loved my children with my love only with my mum and dads version of love that they loved me with and it was only lip service, love coming from words from the mind, all made up without any feeling. God that is what the emptiness is, I never felt it as truth, I never felt them loving me but I had an idea of it in my mind that of course they love me, its what parents do. I am so wrong and as my daughter poured out to me how unloved she feels it can only be because she has the same emptiness as me, how can it be any different. I could only give her what was given to me by my parents, an idea in the mind of love but not a feeling in the heart of how love feels. It has really hit me that any love I had from my parents was only in my mind and that is why I have felt so lonely, abandoned, and without any love. I cannot give what I do not have inside me all I can do is transfer the minds idea of it that was given to me.
The shocking conclusion is I have never had any real love inside of me to give anyone. I have never felt love, I have never given love from myself as a true feeling. This has really done me in, so where is my love, I started to feel a sense of panic in me as to where this love is in me. I am very confused by knowing that the love I have been giving is not mine but mum and dads, so where is mine where has it gone, it has been redundant all my life so where is it? I am currently in a place of not knowing if I have any, with my mind I know I must have some but that is not good enough, I need to feel it, I need to feel my own love and maybe at times I have but it is all so confusing as to what is from me and from my heart and what is mum and dads from my mind. I feel really confused. Now saying that, I am beginning to get a feeling as I write this that my own love will be a feeling that comes from a different place, from my heart and it will feel full and good but the love I have been giving has been from my head and has felt never satisfying being empty and unfulfilling, even by writing and expressing this I can feel it will be a real shift from head to heart.
I am sure I felt that feeling from y heart when I was in the dentist with Faye, the love was beaming out of me for her as she went through all of her pain but still, I am very confused as the realisation has hit me as a truth that I have not been loving with my own love but with that of my parents and it has been awful to have falsely loved all of my life. I have never truly loved my children with a love that comes from me so I can understand why they feel so unloved, its because they are unloved.
Nearly every night Faye and myself have conversations, when she wants to talk, we do and she is going through the most difficult time of feeling so unloved and lonely, reflecting all that I feel and all that I have created in her. Faye is telling me what the truth is that is inside of me needing healing. I have been going back to my 18 year old self through her eyes as she tells me how she feels and tears just pour down my face as she speaks and I see what I have done to my children.
As I write this my son has just turned up wanting to talk.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 25, 2017 8:40:39 GMT 10
I am my mum and dad to my children, as I go deeper into it I am very scared because I am my parents loving my own children. I don't feel real, I don't feel that I exist, I am feeling like a ghost and I don't know where I am if I have been them all this time, where am I? I really feel that I don't exist because none of me has been experiencing itself I have been experiencing what mum and dad are and want me to be in all I do, I am them, oh shit!!!
This is the strangest feeling as I write this, right now. I am feeling like a visitor in my own body who has been living this life and bringing up my children, none of it feels real. This is so strange, really strange and I feel scared of it. I feel that I don't exist, like I haven't been born yet, I am unknown to myself and everyone, I don't know where I am. I am so sorry to keep repeating myself but I am in so much shock as this hits me. I am feeling like I have just realised and woken up to something and its game is up, like there is a being that is separating from me that I thought was me but is leaving a nothingness to carry on as Sam. I don't think this is going to be very understandable.
I am feeling such a huge shift in me like I am splitting off and parts of me are leaving as the truth is being known, its like those bits are leaving but leaving behind nothingness because I don't know who I am, its like I haven't been created yet and am just beginning self realisation from a place of nothing. I don't know how to be as that false shell of mum and dad walks away, that is how it feels and I am scared because I don't know myself I only know them and how they do it all.
Shit my children have never been parented by me, this is so huge for me as this hits me, this realisation that I have been such an absent parent as mum and dad have been parenting them through me, I have missed out on being a parent in my own right to my own children and I wonder what sort of parent would I have been had I not been them, oh no what a waste of time. I feel sad, grieved that I have missed out, I have been present but like I have been possessed, taken over, I have been a host body for my parents control, parasites. I feel so strange, like a layer is lifting off to reveal something unknown. A definite separation is happening to me.
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Post by James on Oct 27, 2017 20:45:18 GMT 10
Shocking isn’t it, realising fully through the truth of your feelings that your so-called love just ain’t there. And as you ask Sam - so where is it? What your post says is perfect, showing that we are all ONLY what we’ve got from our parents and other close influential people from our early life. So as you say, your ‘version’ of love is from your parents, as was mine from my parents, and when you look into the truth of it, it vanishes, because there is no truth, it’s not based on truth, it’s not coming from truth, only falseness, and as you say - the mind.
What a fantastic post Sam, your Healing bringing you to this point concerning love and whether it’s real true love or false mind love, as this is the truth we’ve all got to find out for ourselves through our Healing. This is what it’s all about - Love. The Truth of Love. Is my love true? True Love, or false love? And the fact that you can have ‘false love’, that of itself is incredible. Then for us to be so bound up in it, and for so long; and look at how much hard work you’ve got to go through to uncover the truth of it. And then when you do, you’re fucked, well and truly, because there is nothing, no love - what can be worse that that!
And the only thing that saves you from smashing yourself to pieces is the truth. And then with that truth slowly you’ll awaken your feelings of love, however possibly not before you get right to the end of fully feeling your untruth and no-love. Because if you were to feel any real and true love, that might stop you feeling the rest of or the fullness of your no-love. So I wouldn’t be surprised if real love holds off a little longer whilst you explore the fullness of feeling, of fully accepting, how of no-love you are.
What a great thing it is between you and Faye, and for you both. For her to be able to express all these terrible feelings now, so young, instead of burying them and getting on with the rest of her life...
Thank you again Sam, it’s so great to read all you go through. And now with Graham sharing his healing experiences, that’s all I’m interested in, I don’t want to participate in ‘normal’ life anymore, it’s so unfulfilling and so NOT LOVING.
Everyday Marion and I accept more in our different ways how unloving we are. It’s such hard work going against everything that you believed, yet we’re both feeling better and better about it now. And it’s incredible how life goes on, you don’t get punished or put in hell or fall of the cliff because you’re such a horrible person being so unloving. So many hurtful beliefs we have against ourselves.
And your second post about not feeling you are your true self, that’s great too, feeling you are completely a product of your parents.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 28, 2017 1:56:57 GMT 10
Thank you James, to hear you saying it back to me hit me even deeper that I am of no Love, I truly feel that, there is nothing there and that confused me so much, what do I do with that? it scares me, I am a nothing being there is nothing in me I am Hollow now I have truly felt the truth of being without love but being of my parents love and being them in all I do. When truth really sinks in and you know it is true, there is no denying it any longer. Its true. So many questions to feel about, what am I if I have no love of my own, when will it come to me, will it ever come, will I live the rest of my life without feeling my own natural love and at the moment I wouldn't know the difference between my own love and mum and dads love that I have been living all these years, its all so confusing like there is nothing to replace the false love, its not coming but as you have explained maybe it will be a while because I need to feel how it feels to live without love as I had to as a child but believed I was living with love.
Thank you James, what you have said means so much, it helps me clarify things and feel more.
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Post by Nowureez on Oct 28, 2017 9:58:58 GMT 10
Hi Samantha, I love reading of your experiences of you with your children. Suddenly not knowing if you really have love of your own to give is a strange concept to me as I am very new to this, but I can follow it in my mind.
I understand you have loved your children through your parents mind love. And I feel the same devastating blow as you, knowing my children have all the ratshit traits I insisted they have.
But what I want to say to you is this. As far as I can understand, you sitting with your daughter and letting her fully express her pain and suffering, being there for her totally, will be the first true example on Earth of a parent loving their child. The fact you are about to embark on a similar experience with your son makes me feel that, while you have been stripped of the loving person you thought you were, and which is now evident as false, you are now holding and expressing real love with your children.
The significance of this goes far wider than your experience, as wonderful as it is. The phase for earth over the next 1000 years is to strip all humanity of their yuk. As each parent reduces the yuk their child experiences, so to the yuk imposed on the next generation reduces.
Samantha, you are the first to start this process. I am absolutely inspired. I can't wait for the first opportunity to practise on my children.
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Post by samantha9 on Oct 28, 2017 19:01:35 GMT 10
Hi Graham great to have you here, and thank you for what you have written. It sounds so obvious to me now to just listen to my children where as before I would have been trying to convince them that they are loved and cared about but now it is a complete U Turn. I am in full support of them knowing the truth, to feel it fully when they ask and Faye is good at it but my son is 23 and more resistant than Faye to feeling his feelings as deeply as she does. She is accepting more that I haven't loved her as she needed but my son doesn't want to hear that, he doesn't want me to feel bad so tries to protect me which makes me see just what I have done to him, making him be the one to protect me and need me and to honour me above all else which is what I wanted from my parents, for them to honour and love me above all else but never felt it from them so I made sure I got it from my children. When he defends and protects me it hurts me more because I see the depths of the manipulation I have used on him to make him be like this with me, to make me feel safe. What awful shit to put on your child making them responsible for me, my happiness and safety, all that pressure put on him/them to look after their helpless mum, God it is all so sick and vile and I feel so ashamed of what I have done.
My son really let rip at me about a year ago saying I have changed all of the rules, I have gone back on all I have ever taught them and they don't know where they stand now, what should they do with how I am now which is the opposite of the mum I was and I have told them I was wrong, very, very wrong, I have been a terrible mum, a lie, a sham and I am so sorry for the trauma I have caused them both through my parenting, which was mum and dads parenting skills, they were parenting my children through me but I believed it all. It has caused a lot of confusion in them as you can imagine but I have had to go through times of sitting down with them both and explaining myself when they have asked me to and they are getting it but they are still weirded out with being able to express themselves fully to me and don't know what just happened when we go through our talking sessions, I just lead them into expressing naturally by fully sympathising with how bad they feel, not telling them its all ok, they are loved and the rest of it. All I want to be is a 'listening Advocate' as I call it, for them both, to drop the 'mum' label completely all I want to do is be there for them both when they need to rant, vent, rage, cry, scream whatever they need to do to get the shit I have put into them, out.
They have both had suicidal thoughts at times in their lives, wanting to die as I have wrote about lately with Faye and I also suffered with this at her age of 18, I was constantly like it and now they both have times of feeling it too but I could never had expressed it with my parents, never, they wouldn't have wanted to hear it from me but I want to hear it from my children and I have told them that having suicidal thoughts is fine, its terrifying but in no way is it bad to have them, I felt guilty for having them but any feelings my children feel about suicidal thoughts, they can express to me because I have also been there and I want to hear it all if they want to tell me, its them leading the way not me. I am not scared to hear my children telling me they want to die because I wanted to and had no one to tell. I am wanting to be the parent to them that I wanted for myself and it feels good and caring for me too, inside I feel as I accept them and their feelings, I am accepting it in me too so by listening to them, they are telling me exactly how it was for me and I get a second chance to heal myself to, through them because I created it in them.
I think we have always been quite open with each other anyway but not to this degree, it is changing for us now and it is happening so naturally because I don't push my healing down their throats, I just do it for me as a part of my every day life and they see what I do and ask me what and why I am doing it and I tell them, not saying this is what you have to do, but saying I do this to heal myself. When they come to me for help I give them as much as they want and I know when to leave it with them, I can feel when I have just lost them or it is to much to soon, the energy between us changes and I stop until they are ready to ask more, I want them to lead themselves into their own healing if they want it. They may decide to go deeper into their own denial as I did for most of my life and that is fine, I feel they have a foot in both worlds at the moment while they are so young, the worlds way and mums new way.
What you have said Graham about me expressing real love with my children when I am listening to them express to me, yes, I have felt that when we are deep in our emotions and expressing fully I have felt a very strong connection with them, like we are one and although what we are talking about is so painful I am filled with a good feeling of release and acceptance, like a melting inside as my children pour out to me but although it feels good inside me I am still confused about love and how it feels and if it is true, I don't trust myself at the moment, I am very confused even writing about it now, I am confused about what it is I am feeling, am I tricking myself, is it real, it did feel it was a loving feeling but it is to early for me to tell.
It felt good to be recognised by you Graham, thank you, that meant so much to me and is something I have been feeling about these last few days, not being recognised, feeling so insignificant and invisable in my family group.
Speak soon.
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