my personal updates
Apr 29, 2016 21:35:12 GMT 10
Post by James on Apr 29, 2016 21:35:12 GMT 10
I’m starting this new thread, it being sort of like a diary, for reasons of vanity and thinking that I’m someone important and people will of course want to know about me. No one in my family wanted to know about me, so it’s just another deficit need in me I’m trying to be fulfil.
Marion says I am still too arrogant, thinking people would be interested in me and being able to tell everyone in the world about myself, she being so meek, humble and mild, yet she’s welcome to inheriting the Earth because I don’t want to stay here.
And I like the act of typing on my Apple keyboard, I enjoy the challenge of trying to write what I want to say, and as I still feel the need to record as much as I can about what comes up within me, although it’s only a fraction of what happens each day, having to put it on the Internet means I at least re-read it once rather than just typing merrily away not looking over it, leaving that for some other day... some other day that I dread when I have to go through all I written to see if I want to keep it or not.
Marion: Jesus is really speaking to those people who are happy and loving on other worlds, people who feel they have everything and are not needy like us, needing everything. He is offering them an extension of their happiness by saying they can become immortal by partaking of the Divine Love. They have all natural love happiness and love but are still mortal. He doesn’t tell us how we can heal ourselves so as to become truly happy.
Marion asks for the truth when she’s bothered by something - she asks to see the truth of it, she asks for help to see the truth, asking the Father. She doesn’t just long for the truth of herself, nature and God like I do. She is entirely focused on the specifics. However she says she is always and only wanting to be true and know the truth, it’s like breathing air, she does it all the time without thinking about it. I too ask specifically when I feel bad and don’t understand and can’t go any further expressing my feelings, as I ask generally whenever I feel to.
Even more I feel like I’ve finished with the spiritual stuff in some way. And I feel happy about that, complete, not that I’m no longer interested and I’m moving onto something else, but just, satisfied. I feel for me it all works, it’s all wonderful - amazing, and I love the Mother and Father as God being Two personalities - soulmates, and Mary and Jesus being soulmates, and all everyone has told me. And I don’t care if no one else ever sees it how I do, Marion included. I feel it’s all for me, and no longer am I doing it for the world and everyone else. And should anyone new come to the forum or email me who is obviously not wanting to find the truth of themselves and live true to their feelings, I won’t be spending anymore time with them other than pointing them in the direction of stuff I’ve previously written. I don’t want to keep going over and over the same old stuff for people who are not properly interested, and I feel I’ve had enough experience now to determine who is and who isn’t. I’ve already recently rejected one such person, and feel good about that; I no longer want to give all of myself to them in the hope that they will come around someday, and that if I just keep going over and over the same old stuff one day they will see the light. Nope, if they are not already seeing the light and needing only a little guidance, forget it.
Daily I feel more like my life is coming back to being mine, realising that it never really has been. They stole it from me, making me behave how it suited them, and now I’m slowly regaining how it suits me.
And this evening I felt in fact I’ve finished with life on Earth too. I feel I’ve done all I can do, and that in some way it’s over. Of course it’s not as I don’t expect to now die, but I think these feelings are that I’ve stopped trying to make it be something that I thought it should be. Now I feel like I’ve given that up and it’s in the Mother and Father’s hands. If They want me to do anything further with the spiritual stuff in terms of other people then They will make me feel so; but it will be Them, not myself doing it hoping to fulfil some of my outstanding love deficient needs. I don’t want to do anything with any of it without feeling Them driving it in me. So I am waiting for Them to make me into the perfect person that I will be once my healing is finished. And perhaps I will able to focus more truly on sorting out my communication problems with Marion rather than always having half my mind off trying to work out the next spiritual or truth problem.
I feel so happy about all TUB stuff, that it’s not for me, that it’s all a work to fit in with the needs of the Caligastias, and even though there is within it a great deal of vital and valuable information to help us with our spiritual growth, there is also some glaring omissions and other stuff that doesn’t add up. So it’s only a partial revelation, and not the full monty as it says it is.
And for me now spiritual growth is only about continually realising more about yourself, which then leads you deeper into realising more about the Mother and Father and everything else. And if you’re not continually having realisations that are brought about because of your attention to and so expression of your feelings, then it’s all only mind stuff. And the mind type realisations are very different from the feelings type. And that really what else is life about other than wanting to get to know yourself, to understand all about who you are, all of why you are the way you are, why you think, feel and behave as you do, why you act as you do in your relationships and so on, with it being absurd to think that we don’t give this top priority in life. And that people who do are accused of being too self-absorbed, and that it’s not good for you, and you’re somehow not participating correctly in life, and you’re making it more difficult for others going on about all that feeling and emotional stuff, and feeling bad and down and depressed around others is nor good for anyone, especially them, but also yourself - so get over it! And yet to go blindly through your whole life never thinking about why you are the way you are, never questioning anything you do, never wondering deeper than the merest superficial Woman’s Weekly look into star signs, now seems bizarre to me. Yet I never thought about it, I never thought about myself, becoming self-aware?
what, what is that, no, don’t want to know about it, I just want to get on indulging in the pleasures and allurements of life. I look back at myself and think, god I was bizarre being so shut off from myself.
And I’ve realised more how I’ve done everything only so as to not upset mum, as there’s nothing worse than her being angry with me and everyone. I am not my own free person to do what I want. I am like a little mouse that has to keep running on the treadmill generator to provide a scrap of light for her, and if I stop and it gets dark she threatens to kill me, not feed me, throw me away. And I don’t know any other life.
I stay with Marion to help her do her healing, so she will ultimately be happy and go off and find her soulmate. Sure I get a bit of healing help from her, but really it’s what I must do for her, and I have no say in it. I write and work out how to help humanity to heal itself; if I can make Marion and humanity - all of is really mum - happy, then I can be happy, my happiness dependent on them. Gran gave me the gigantic task of trying to find the way to make mum happy so we would all be happy. So I’m doing it all, doing my whole life, to appease the monster-mother, and everyone - the rest of my family - said it was good what I was doing, and to keep it up, it’s helping us all. So I am stuck on the treadmill all whilst they go off doing all they want, feeling happy about how their lives are, all because monster-mum is being kept away. So fuck them, no more, I’m coming off the treadmill and they can all get stuffed. And furthermore, I’m even able to walk away and leave her and she can be as angry and demented and rage all she wants and all over them. I’m out of it. At least that’s slowly, ever so slowly, what I’m managing to do through my healing. It’s like one long very painful tooth extraction.
Also today Marion and I talked again about what might happen when my mum dies. I was, last I saw her about twenty years ago, still to be included in her will to receive a third of her house, with presumably my sister taking care of all the details and requiring me to visit her and my brother, not having had any contact with them for ten years. Last time I spoke with my brother it was to tell him out the healing, which he wasn’t interested in, and with my sister to tell her not to bother telling me anything about mum other than when she dies. I had thought it would be good to ‘catch up’ with them, to see how Nicholas and Zara and their Divine Love writings are going, and my sister with her family and her involvement with Transcendental Meditation. And it’s been nice to fantasise about having extra money from the house, assuming it would be sold. And I also thought that I’d like to look through the old photo albums seeing if I can relate to the me in the pictures as a young child with the me I feel I was now being so much more aware of my feelings.
However suddenly I realised, no, I don’t care about any of it. I don’t care if there is no money, I don’t care about them and what they are doing, I don’t even need to look at the photos of my childhood. There’s nothing I want from any of them. And what a nice feeling it was too!
Marion says I am still too arrogant, thinking people would be interested in me and being able to tell everyone in the world about myself, she being so meek, humble and mild, yet she’s welcome to inheriting the Earth because I don’t want to stay here.
And I like the act of typing on my Apple keyboard, I enjoy the challenge of trying to write what I want to say, and as I still feel the need to record as much as I can about what comes up within me, although it’s only a fraction of what happens each day, having to put it on the Internet means I at least re-read it once rather than just typing merrily away not looking over it, leaving that for some other day... some other day that I dread when I have to go through all I written to see if I want to keep it or not.
Marion: Jesus is really speaking to those people who are happy and loving on other worlds, people who feel they have everything and are not needy like us, needing everything. He is offering them an extension of their happiness by saying they can become immortal by partaking of the Divine Love. They have all natural love happiness and love but are still mortal. He doesn’t tell us how we can heal ourselves so as to become truly happy.
Marion asks for the truth when she’s bothered by something - she asks to see the truth of it, she asks for help to see the truth, asking the Father. She doesn’t just long for the truth of herself, nature and God like I do. She is entirely focused on the specifics. However she says she is always and only wanting to be true and know the truth, it’s like breathing air, she does it all the time without thinking about it. I too ask specifically when I feel bad and don’t understand and can’t go any further expressing my feelings, as I ask generally whenever I feel to.
Even more I feel like I’ve finished with the spiritual stuff in some way. And I feel happy about that, complete, not that I’m no longer interested and I’m moving onto something else, but just, satisfied. I feel for me it all works, it’s all wonderful - amazing, and I love the Mother and Father as God being Two personalities - soulmates, and Mary and Jesus being soulmates, and all everyone has told me. And I don’t care if no one else ever sees it how I do, Marion included. I feel it’s all for me, and no longer am I doing it for the world and everyone else. And should anyone new come to the forum or email me who is obviously not wanting to find the truth of themselves and live true to their feelings, I won’t be spending anymore time with them other than pointing them in the direction of stuff I’ve previously written. I don’t want to keep going over and over the same old stuff for people who are not properly interested, and I feel I’ve had enough experience now to determine who is and who isn’t. I’ve already recently rejected one such person, and feel good about that; I no longer want to give all of myself to them in the hope that they will come around someday, and that if I just keep going over and over the same old stuff one day they will see the light. Nope, if they are not already seeing the light and needing only a little guidance, forget it.
Daily I feel more like my life is coming back to being mine, realising that it never really has been. They stole it from me, making me behave how it suited them, and now I’m slowly regaining how it suits me.
And this evening I felt in fact I’ve finished with life on Earth too. I feel I’ve done all I can do, and that in some way it’s over. Of course it’s not as I don’t expect to now die, but I think these feelings are that I’ve stopped trying to make it be something that I thought it should be. Now I feel like I’ve given that up and it’s in the Mother and Father’s hands. If They want me to do anything further with the spiritual stuff in terms of other people then They will make me feel so; but it will be Them, not myself doing it hoping to fulfil some of my outstanding love deficient needs. I don’t want to do anything with any of it without feeling Them driving it in me. So I am waiting for Them to make me into the perfect person that I will be once my healing is finished. And perhaps I will able to focus more truly on sorting out my communication problems with Marion rather than always having half my mind off trying to work out the next spiritual or truth problem.
I feel so happy about all TUB stuff, that it’s not for me, that it’s all a work to fit in with the needs of the Caligastias, and even though there is within it a great deal of vital and valuable information to help us with our spiritual growth, there is also some glaring omissions and other stuff that doesn’t add up. So it’s only a partial revelation, and not the full monty as it says it is.
And for me now spiritual growth is only about continually realising more about yourself, which then leads you deeper into realising more about the Mother and Father and everything else. And if you’re not continually having realisations that are brought about because of your attention to and so expression of your feelings, then it’s all only mind stuff. And the mind type realisations are very different from the feelings type. And that really what else is life about other than wanting to get to know yourself, to understand all about who you are, all of why you are the way you are, why you think, feel and behave as you do, why you act as you do in your relationships and so on, with it being absurd to think that we don’t give this top priority in life. And that people who do are accused of being too self-absorbed, and that it’s not good for you, and you’re somehow not participating correctly in life, and you’re making it more difficult for others going on about all that feeling and emotional stuff, and feeling bad and down and depressed around others is nor good for anyone, especially them, but also yourself - so get over it! And yet to go blindly through your whole life never thinking about why you are the way you are, never questioning anything you do, never wondering deeper than the merest superficial Woman’s Weekly look into star signs, now seems bizarre to me. Yet I never thought about it, I never thought about myself, becoming self-aware?
what, what is that, no, don’t want to know about it, I just want to get on indulging in the pleasures and allurements of life. I look back at myself and think, god I was bizarre being so shut off from myself.And I’ve realised more how I’ve done everything only so as to not upset mum, as there’s nothing worse than her being angry with me and everyone. I am not my own free person to do what I want. I am like a little mouse that has to keep running on the treadmill generator to provide a scrap of light for her, and if I stop and it gets dark she threatens to kill me, not feed me, throw me away. And I don’t know any other life.
I stay with Marion to help her do her healing, so she will ultimately be happy and go off and find her soulmate. Sure I get a bit of healing help from her, but really it’s what I must do for her, and I have no say in it. I write and work out how to help humanity to heal itself; if I can make Marion and humanity - all of is really mum - happy, then I can be happy, my happiness dependent on them. Gran gave me the gigantic task of trying to find the way to make mum happy so we would all be happy. So I’m doing it all, doing my whole life, to appease the monster-mother, and everyone - the rest of my family - said it was good what I was doing, and to keep it up, it’s helping us all. So I am stuck on the treadmill all whilst they go off doing all they want, feeling happy about how their lives are, all because monster-mum is being kept away. So fuck them, no more, I’m coming off the treadmill and they can all get stuffed. And furthermore, I’m even able to walk away and leave her and she can be as angry and demented and rage all she wants and all over them. I’m out of it. At least that’s slowly, ever so slowly, what I’m managing to do through my healing. It’s like one long very painful tooth extraction.
Also today Marion and I talked again about what might happen when my mum dies. I was, last I saw her about twenty years ago, still to be included in her will to receive a third of her house, with presumably my sister taking care of all the details and requiring me to visit her and my brother, not having had any contact with them for ten years. Last time I spoke with my brother it was to tell him out the healing, which he wasn’t interested in, and with my sister to tell her not to bother telling me anything about mum other than when she dies. I had thought it would be good to ‘catch up’ with them, to see how Nicholas and Zara and their Divine Love writings are going, and my sister with her family and her involvement with Transcendental Meditation. And it’s been nice to fantasise about having extra money from the house, assuming it would be sold. And I also thought that I’d like to look through the old photo albums seeing if I can relate to the me in the pictures as a young child with the me I feel I was now being so much more aware of my feelings.
However suddenly I realised, no, I don’t care about any of it. I don’t care if there is no money, I don’t care about them and what they are doing, I don’t even need to look at the photos of my childhood. There’s nothing I want from any of them. And what a nice feeling it was too!