Lost Woman

I love the poem and the image - is that you inside your eye?  

You know the latest episode of my nail-biting is that I'm virtually leaving my right hand's nails alone whilst decimating my left hand's nails.  And I feel it's my biting the woman, the feminine, the feeling me away because I don't like all the bad feelings, I don't like her in me, which are the women in my early life.  They scared me too much and I hate them, so I hate all they represent.  So my feeling-expression is my trying to liberate my repressed woman inside me - the feminine, trying to undo all the damage done to me by the women (and men) who should have loved me.

So I can relate to personally having to save myself, because no one else is going to.  Jesus isn't going to come and wave the magic wand and we're all instantly healed.  And so it's the feminine, our feelings, as that's how I relate to feelings and emotions, that we have to do as you say in your poem, liberating all that we've repressed.

[Please show us how "The Truth Sets Us Free"]

Brave Sam,

Although I do not feel what you feel, perhaps I can understand in myself that you seem to answer your own question, as you find truth uncomfortably in your fears.

As it seems the feminine can do for us all, show us the way Lost Woman!

L


(P.S. I sat here for nearly 30mins looking at what I wrote - trying to decide if I was pandering to your ego or to mine or what I was writing it for and to whom I had written and then I decided.....stop......does it feel like what I want to say! Yes. So sorry if it's odd! It felt right to me.)

Yes Sam, what another incredible experience you’re going through. And it’s helping me see how different we are in our healing, which I’ve been seeing a lot lately comparing myself to you and Marion, which is helping me accept myself as I am and not be so judgemental and hard on myself (something of which I have posted below - which also included a ‘Marion update’.) I have such a: This is it, lock it down, it will be same for everyone, attitude, all helped along by Gran, when what I’m really to lock down is: Every experience is different in each moment, for myself, AND for everyone else.

I can relate to you trying to decide about what you wrote LOK11, god I do that too sometimes, going this way and that all with my mind jumping all over the place. Talk about feeling demented half the time!


This is not really along the lines of the topic of the thread and I should perhaps put it in my healing experiences thread, however I wrote it Sam with your intense healing experience in my mind, it helping to bring together my thoughts about some of what I’ve been going through lately.

Marion is feeling still better about herself every day. She now feels she completely loves herself, and she’s brimming over with love for herself and the Father and is wanting to completely love people. She can’t love me with the fullness of what she’s feeling because I can’t receive it, I’m still unlovable, but were someone able to receive her love, then she’d be able to pour it into them.
She feels completely good in herself, the spirit her within herself, all that’s ‘inside’ her physical body. Her physical body feels like an impediment, a heavy bag of poo she’s having to carry about, just a burden she wishes she could shrug off, or like a snake, peel off revealing the loving bright spirit that she now feels she is.
And I wonder if she’ll now start moving to loving her body as well, and it feeling better and good and working properly, so she can love and feel good about it, with it no longer making her feel bad. She doesn’t wonder this, as she thinks her body will remain fucked, an expression of the result of all the abuse she’s experienced from her unloving abusive parents, from herself when she took over from them, from other people she’s been with, all the wrong people she thought would love her but of course were like her parents - she couldn’t be with a better more loving sort of person, that wasn’t part of her pattern.

Being with her is (if I were in a state to fully appreciate it) amazing. And I say that because I feel so fucked that I can’t appreciate anything. She says how good she feels about her real self, so not including her body which is still making her feel bad, and feels so good and so full of love that she’s over following with the good feelings inside herself. And I feel, big deal, it doesn’t do anything for me or anyone else, good on you, I’m pleased for you, yeah, that’s great, but sorry I can’t be happy and say, wow, how incredible, all the hard work you’ve done on yourself finally paying off, because I feel like shit.

And it’s become even more apparent how her parents taught her, albeit without love, how to be the right way in life, as in, how to be expressive, how to acknowledge feelings, how to communicate, how to connect, how to demand the other person pays attention to you so you get what you want from them in the relationship. So it’s like they taught her how to ride the bicycle properly, but did all abusively, so never making her feel good about doing it, but making her do it very well, forcing her to master it. So now as she heals all their unlovingness from herself, so she is left with being able to ride the bike fully enjoying it, relishing being able to do it so well and feeling fully confident in her feelings and expression of them. So she has been able to keep riding, do her Healing herself, and even help me, because that pattern was laid down in her by her parents, but in the negative.
Whereas I never got to master anything, let alone know how to ride a bike properly. I got how to master being the master of riding something, but if that’s a bicycle, then it’s the oddest looking thing, and look at how wonky it is, how difficult it makes it trying to get anywhere in a relationship, doing all I can to go backwards and thwart the relationship rather than get anywhere positive with it. So I’m just a confused mess in my self-expression, unable to connect, or reach out, or demand the other person connect with me, never knowing the first thing about any of it, it all being like a foreign language.

So I feel like I’m shut away in my box, and I can’t do anything other than my patterns, which are nothing to do with having a relationship of any meaning, just being with the other person so they can do it all, just being there so they can do it all to me, so expecting and needing them to talk at me, all whilst I pretend I’m listening, amusing myself in my fantasies, pretending we love each other.

So Marion hacks into me as I make her angry being how I am. And that makes me feel miserable because I make her angry and then have her hacking into me, which is the same as how it was growing up, someone always hacking into me. And yet as I was yelled at constantly to fuck me up, so I still need constant yelling at me to unfuck me, it’s what my pattern dictates.
And it’s so fucking hard for both of us. Some years before Marion and I met, she decided she could do something to help herself, she could bring out all her repressed feelings, and has felt good ever since doing it, always feeling she’s getting somewhere with it, except when she is in the thick of her bad feelings. But still, feeling like she’s driving her Healing, it’s all her doing, she wants it, knows how to do it, knows what she needs to do to keep it going, and is now reaping the rewards. So she says she’s loved every moment of her Healing - other than as I said, when she was feeling so bad.
And for me, I’ve hated every moment of it, none of it has come naturally, she’s had to tell me about it all and all but force me to keep going. I want to do it, I see I need to do it, but I can’t do it myself, I need someone else’s continual help, which has been very humiliating to have to admit, that I’m not as good as I thought I was, that I’m a useless fuck to can’t do the most basic of things - express my own fucking feelings.
So as I’ve said, I feel like I’m being dragged along almost against my will doing it. I fight and resist and refuse at every step to willingly express my feelings, because I just don’t feel them, I need help to even to do that, I feel no relationship or connection with them, so utterly divorced and disconnected from them, and I need constant help to keep me focused on them, to help me work deeper into them, and fuck it gives me the shits not being able to help myself. To be totally reliant on someone else - ah, it’s so bad! Feeling so helpless, so unable, so not having the foggiest about any of it. All I write is all Marion has said, I write because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t need to, she knows it all; I write because I’m always trying to understand it, and hopefully a bit more of myself.
I hate how I am, more everyday. And it’s so unfair that how I was parented stops me from being how we’re to be, having to always be so reliant on another and not having any clue about it. I just wish the magic wand would be waved and it would all be over, and I could just be naturally self-expressive, and I would never have to give it another thought. Instead I have to laboriously slog myself painstakingly through every fucking circuit to the nth degree. I feel I’m doing my doctorate in feelings and feeling-expression, and it’s the last thing in the world that interests me, that I would choose to study. Everything and anything, but myself and how I function and what I feel. I feel I’m fed up with feelings, all this feeling shit, sick to tired of it all, and yet all I want is to be able to connect and express them properly.

I am the anti-healing person, and it’s so bizarre that I write all this stuff as if I know about it and can tell and help other people about how to do there Healing, when I’m the last person in the world who should be doing it, because it’s the last thing in the world I want to do. And I’m only doing it because I found out, all thanks to Marion, that I had to do it, because there was no way out, no way to ever good, happy and loving, without doing it. SCREAMING!

I feel like shit, I’m feeling very unloved, truer to my unloved state. I’min it now constantly, and my self-loathing is part of it, my non-acceptance of feeling unloved. It makes me feel angry that I feel that way about myself, that I feel unloved, and yet also powerless because I can’t do anything about it. I can hardly open my mouth to get out the words to express it, I sit on the couch feeling crushed into having to sleep because I can’t do anything else. The sleep then takes the bad feelings away for a moment, but then feeling unloved comes back. It’s showing me the truth that I am, there’s not getting away from it now, not even nature can take me away. And I don’t want to be taken away. So I’m feeling worse and worse, and don’t even care about feeling good or trying to or even wanting to when I’m right in it. I just want to see and feel and understand - know, the whole truth of it, that this is me, I am unloved - end of story. I can’t describe how wretched I feel when it’s full on, I can hardly speak, it’s all madness anyway, the words that come out, nothing making any sense, nothing really hitting the mark, because I’m still not there yet. And it’s making me not want to do anything, like reply to you LOK11, so I’m sorry for being a bit tardy, but how I’m feeling is like I don’t want to do the forum anymore. I’ve felt this before, so around I go again, and I’ll see how I feel. But I just can’t be fucked, what’s the point, I feel too bad, it’s difficult enough just breathing, getting to the next moment is too hard, and I want to fuck it all off, that’s fuck me all off, all my shit feelings, which is all I am. So I’m not up for much right now, and I’m only going on like this so much now because I’ve just been trying to write how I’ve been feeling of late in other writing I’m doing, so I can’t stop, it’s endless, on and on until I crash into a wall or you say shut up, go away, we’ve had enough of you rotten kids for one day!

This is me and my daughter and today she came to the end of her dental treatment and it has been such an ordeal for both of us but we got through it together, feeling all that needed to be felt in the moment. Faye could not do anything else but express how she felt, it just poured out of her naturally, all of her fear could not be held back she let it all out and it is the only way she could have got through it all.

I held her like a baby until she said it was ok for me to sit down, I was just there for her and wanted it to be that way, I wanted to hold her, cry with her, kiss her, let her shake and encourage her to go on with her feelings no matter what anyone thought. The dentist even said she would miss us both and how we handled it, all being so different to what she is used to. When I think back to how I would have been before my healing, saying all sorts of crap to her like, behave yourself, Your embarrassing yourself, stop being a baby, let her do her job, just get on with it and so on, just like my mum said to me. But I was terrified and Faye has shown me the truth of how terrified I was, she acted it all out for me to feel the truth of which I had to deny and be a good girl and just suck up all of the pain and the fear, I was not aloud to show it. I can see how I would have been and how far I have come because I felt so much compassion for Faye, I just wanted to be there for her and listen to her, she was all I was worried about, I didn't care about what the dentist might be thinking, today I felt so completely there for Faye only. I felt my heart was really attached to her, it is hard to explain it but I felt like we were one both having the same fears and feeling them together. I felt so much love pouring out of me to her, this is how it should have been all along, me wanting to be there for her wanting her to express all she felt to me because it is how I felt too, I have a second chance to feel all of my feelings through my children because I created their fear.

I am feeling so much intense love for her that it is almost beaming out of me, I put this photo up of us because I am feeling so much love for her. I am so in awe of how she just expressed all she felt, she just let her fear out for all to see without any reservations and once she had done that she was ok to go on with all of the awful invasive treatment, even the terrifying injections. She came out of there feeling so incredible about herself and didn't know why so I told her it was because she had felt all of her feelings and emptied out, there was nothing left of the fear so she could then go on to have the treatment without the fear. I don't know if she really gets it but some of it she does she is beginning to experience the expression of your feelings heals you. She expressed herself like she was a child and the dentist just wanted to get rid of her and refer her to a specialist who deals with this fear but Faye decided to go ahead with it all and the dentist gradually stopped dreading Faye's appointments, even saying she will miss us and she just let us deal with it our way, then she was free to begin the treatment. It has been amazing all round and maybe even the dentist has learnt something when future fearful clients come in to her, just let them scream and cry and let all of those adults go back to being scared children again when they are in her chair, just as Faye did. I am so happy for her.

I love this photo of us, Trevor took it and I love it, today I am celebrating my daughter.