We will all have bad feelings on this plane of existence, as long we live here. I am sometimes depressed, or angry, yet I agree with you that one can't just fake love. When we are angry or depressed there is no desire to pray for Divine Love whatsoever and the prayers will be futile and insincere.
Few days ago I was angry at the various people proclaiming they had the truth, was sulky throughout the day. I don't forcefully express my feelings loudly, what I feel is what I take in and take the time to feel, I can't go too overboard and sentimental because that is also faking the feeling process.
Sometimes I am depressed, but most of the time I am happy. I usually dwell in periods of depression for one or two days, with no energy whatsoever. I just sit there and feel what is there.
Sometimes I doubt and hold on to the feeling of doubt or indecisiveness. I don't repress those feelings either or bottle them up. For that will lead to dire consequences and more inharmonious relationships.
After some period of time the feelings subside. At that time I would feel hopeful of praying for Divine Love and true longings would go out. I would start to focus on Love and not the intellectual speculations like those in other books. Despite they are interesting they are not practical.
As soon one focuses more on beliefs rather than love itself which blind mental beliefs are really the cause of many unhappiness, he or she will suffer. And bicker with others on beliefs, argue and doubt, angry and depressed that everyone is all believing in the wrong stuff.
That is a truth, focus solely on Love and not intellect and happiness will follow.
Anonymous, I wrote what’s below before I read your latest post. I will leave it as is. However I’d also like to add: when you are with your bad (and good) feelings, does longing for deeper understanding of why you’re feeling them appeal to you? Have you asked God to help you see through your feelings the deeper truth of why you’re feeling them, and the truth God would like you to see about yourself?
Anonymous, I want to apologise if I’ve been too hard on you. Yesterday I visited a Urantia Book forum and was reading people who have a very good understanding of the book, however it’s all mental, nothing about feelings, nothing that shows me they are actually growing in truth like they believe they area.
Then today I was so angry with everyone, with the whole world for not getting it, for not understanding, and not you specifically Anonymous, but everyone who I’ve spoken with about feelings and the healing, and they’ve not got it.
Then I realised the horrible truth as I was expressing my anger to Marion, that I am - of course - just as mum was, I am mum yelling at me who is the world I’m yelling at. I am mum who said me, which is what I want to say to everyone who doesn’t get it: What is wrong with you, are you stupid or something, I don’t want to have to tell you again, if you don’t smarten up you’re off to your father’s, off to your grandmother’s, you rotten kid - what is the matter with you!!!!!!
So that is me yelling and accusing the world of the same things. Which made me feel humiliated, ashamed, stupid, and also funnily enough even more angry and wanting to say: no, I don’t want to do this thing, I don’t want to be the Revealer and Teacher, I don’t want to be the one who always knows, or thinks he knows, and even has to know, what is right and what is wrong. I don’t want to be the one who’s always looking like a know-all, I don’t want people talking about me saying I’m arrogant and up myself, only concerned with putting on a good show of knowing - NOOOOOOOOO! So I don’t want to do it anymore, I don’t want to know about any of it, the fucking Truth, what is it anyway, I don’t want to know!
I want to go away, I want to not be involved; being involved was bad, horrible, it made me feel miserable, it wasn’t all for me, it was all for them, for someone else, for my brother and sister; I don’t want to be involved in the family, I don’t want to be in the human family, I don’t want to be the one who is always having to look after everyone, the one who comes up with the truth that will solve all of humanity’s (my family’s) problems, no, no, no! Someone else can do it, someone who is better than me, someone who does really know, not me who is so fucked I can hardly say two works without Marion pulling me up; how the fuck am I meant to pass on the truth to anyone else, how will they ever understand me, let alone feel I am so convincing that they will want to do as I say. And I don’t want to tell anyone else what to do, they all told me continuously what to do, everyone still does, and I hate it; however I do want to be the teller because they all were and that’s all I know how to be, and yet I don’t because I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end.
I wish she - mum - would not need me like she says she does, I wish she’d come and be with me instead of always asking me to do things for her. She was always ordering me about, nicely the words seemed, but the underlying intention was all about her and never about me.
I want someone to focus on me, to love me, to want to be with me, me just how I am, and not a me that has to change and suit them.
Please Mother and Father open my soul like Jesus says in the prayer in the Padgett Messages; please open my soul so Your Divine Love can come into it - into me. I want Your Love. Please fill my soul with Your Divine Love. And I want the Truth, please help me to see the truth of myself, the truth of all my wrongness.
And from what I read on the Urantia Book forum, some parts I missed understanding the significance of when I read the book, such as we are all encircuited in the Holy Spirit and made able to engage with the Spirit of Truth when our Indwelling Spirit arrives, when we’ve been encircuted by the seven adjutant mind spirits, which now I understand means, when our mind has grown to the point of engaging all the Natural Love levels relevant to the seven mansion worlds. Then whether or not we actually grow in mind understanding through such levels determines the level of Natural love we evolve into or deny, all which them moves us to the point of Natural love perfection when we can activate the Holy Spirit, be baptised by it as Jesus says upon moving into the Celestial spheres or achieving the level of Celestial truth whilst we’re still on Earth.
So now I understand that from around seven years old children can effectively uncover their truth with the help of the Spirits of Truth, as can they long for the Divine Love. So we could have spiritually grow in truth from then onwards.
And that the Spirits of Truth and Divine Love represent once again the Eternal Son and Infinite (Daughter) Spirit, with the Spirits of Truth being liberated by Mary and Jesus who are of the Truth (the Eternal Son), and the Divine Love being a special circuit of the Divine Minister, one that comes about expressing the relationship between Her and the Infinite Daughter, all an expression of the Mind. So we who are of the truth need to embrace the help from the Spirits of Truth, and are helped to divine our soul by activating the Holy Spirit circuit by specifically longing for the Divine Love. The Divine Love, the Holy Spirit influence, then taking us effectively out of the local universe and Divine Minister transforming our soul so we can relate directly with the Infinite Daughter, all part of our preparation for Paradise. Our soul needs to be in the condition of truth and love for us to arrive on Paradise and so meet with our Mother and Father, and so it’s the Spirits of Truth together with the Holy Spirit that start us off on that journey, both spirits without personality, just functional circuits reflecting the personalities they stem from.
But as Jesus stresses, it doesn’t just naturally happen for us because we’re all living against the Truth and Divine Love, against ourselves, Mary and Jesus and the Mother and Father. So we have to use our mind and will to focus on longing, and specifically for the Divine Love and specifically for the Truth - the Truth being broken down to: the truth of ourselves, which includes the whole truth of our unloving anti-truth state; the truth of nature, which is the truth of Natural love; and the truth of our Mother and Father - the truth of Divine Love.
And that it would all happen for us as it says in The Urantia Book if we were true and not affected by the Rebellion and Default. But as we’re fucked, then we have to first fully accept and uncover the truth of our fuckedness, and so looking only at TUB or the PM is not going to help you, because how to uncover the truth of what is involved in healing yourself of your evilness is not contained within them.
And I apologise to you Sam and other’s who might read this as I’ve said it all before a million times, but still it’s part of my expression - still trying to put it all together for the whole world, who is really, as sad as it is to say it, just mum and dad. I am doing it all in the vain hope that they will finally take notice of me, because when they come to do their healing, then they will have to acknowledge me or they won’t be able to do it. So I’ve got them checkmated in the ultimate power-play in which I finally win, but I DON’T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY!
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Thank you James and Anonymous for the conversations, always so much in all that is said and I will read it all a thousand times without being bored of it, I love it all. It all gives me so much to feel about and over the last few days I have been yet further amazed by Mother and Father being with me in my longing for their help when I am blocked in my feeling healing, the answers are being revealed much quicker and the feelings I receive are a beautiful reassurance that I am not alone in this, they are their with their child. Many thanks to you both.
Thank you Samantha for the warm note, never knew it would help you so much.
Now James time to answer your question
"Anonymous, I wrote what’s below before I read your latest post. I will leave it as is. However I’d also like to add: when you are with your bad (and good) feelings, does longing for deeper understanding of why you’re feeling them appeal to you? Have you asked God to help you see through your feelings the deeper truth of why you’re feeling them, and the truth God would like you to see about yourself?"
I do that for feelings most of the time. Pretty natural because I usually reflect upon myself throughout the day. There are times I feel tired and drained at the end of the day and I ask why would I deplete energy so quickly? Or why would I not feel motivated to do schoolwork? Why are we entrapped in a failing education system that has rising college costs? Mostly its about wishing for the perfect things to exist. Yet God would have to let us work and earn for our salvation. We started from ground zero and God knows that from the lowest depths we can become mighty as faith becomes mighty through a mustard seed. We fail to recognize our worth,yl yet we must humble ourselves too.
I can say I have this feeling of disappointment towards this imperfect world, and desired to know the perfect solution to create a better society and return to Eden as it once was. Yet no one on this earth would listen and the only Truth I came to was that only a minority could dare to self reflect and become aware of our shortcomings whereas others have seemingly no innocence, shame or guilt for the evil they have done.
I read in the news that a couple did not have their children water for five days for punishment, this is how cruel particular people can be. We are all like apples gone bad. What divides us from the others is that we know we have shortcomings and that needs to be remedied.
It is said that humility is the cornerstone to enter the Kingdom and in this particular aspect I think we have humbled ourselves than other people do.
I often see your Before Its News posts and I get the Feeling Healing you've talked about. Yet no one seems to care. I often think about the vanity of vanities trying to persuade others. Yet others never listen. We become alone and sometimes may assume others are too dumb, ignorant and stupid. We develop false pride as a result and the very people we despised are the foolish wise men of scriptures. We become hypocrites ourselves and the very hypocrisy we preached against becomes hypocrisy itself.
That was one of the glaring truths I found. It seems that only we could work out our own happiness, that happiness does not depend on whether or not some other human being accepting what we say. Happiness comes from an individual thing before God and us. Do we want to please others to please ourselves and win their favors? Or do we want to just be love and be loved by God and under his care?
Who knows what unspeakable things that lay beyond out conception that no human mind can ever comprehend, no human words to describe the very nature of the Divine Kingdom.
Perhaps a deeper truth will come to us in that kingdom that our minds cannot possibly understand.
Don’t look at me, go over there and keep out of my way; I told you not to look at me! But why couldn’t I look at her?
You’re in my way, stand over there, get out of my way!
I don’t know what you want - what do you want!, you’re always wanting something... I don’t know what you want, stop looking at me, get out of my way, go over there and don’t bother me... no, I don’t want to hear your voice, don’t speak to me, don’t even look at me, don’t do anything. Just be quiet, I’ve got a headache and don’t feel well, and no, I can’t get you something to eat, I will in a minute, I’ve got to make a phone call, so stay out of my way, don’t ask me for anything, don’t....
And she said she loved me - I feel very sad and sorry for myself as I feel so unloved. I can’t look at Marion directly, not when she’s looking at me, not when I want to ask her something, not when I am speaking, not when she’s busy. I talk to the window, the room in general, not directly and personally to her. I am to not look, not be interested in what she’s doing, not ask her to do anything for me, not want to do it with her, her things I’m not to touch, I’m not even to notice they are there, I am not to look at them. She is there but may as well be invisible. I am not allowed to relate to her intimately, she being the only person in my life. It’s always as if I’ve just been introduced to her, like she doesn’t know what our life consists of so I have to tell all the obvious things she already knows as if she’s only an infrequent visitor.
And how this all makes me feel is very angry, very miserable, and totally useless not being able to even look at Marion without feeling bad, without feeling she is going to yell at me or reject me in some way. I feel so disheartened, so unloved, I can’t have a decent relationship because my first ones didn’t work, they were only my being told what to do and how to be by them, nothing about us being equals. And I never had any friends to relate to, no one close, nothing like what a normal relationship is like.
So I fantasise about the woman completely giving herself to me. She is naked, open and accommodating, and very happy for me to LOOK, and to look and touch all I want. She doesn’t get angry with me, is not bothered by me, wants me to climb all over her, to be as close to her as I can be. She wants me to feel free with her, she doesn’t have to give me permission for me to look and speak and touch. She is of course the very opposite of how mum was with me.
I’ve been feeling powerless these past days, more so than usual. Powerless being how they made me feel. I can see that I’ve deluded myself believing I have some power, but now I know I don’t. I have power to go to the toilet, to do the shopping, to say a few words to Marion, to go for a walk, but not much more. I feel too under-powered, like I’m literally just ticking over, emotionally drained and I just can’t do it. I don’t have the power to express myself as I’d like to, they blocked me on all fronts. And I expect some horrible thing to happen to me any moment. I’ve given up trying to work out what the horrible thing might be, just accepting that’s how I feel; and realising they are the horrible thing and at any moment they’ll be making me feel completely powerless again.
Thank you again Samantha for your support.
And Anonymous, no one is going to come and make it all better. No ‘Saviour’ person is going to stand up and fix things - Jesus didn’t fix anything so why would anyone else? Humanity has to fix itself. And it’s going to take a very long time. The best I can imagine is possibly people coming together who are intent on doing their Healing, wanting to live together, survive the best they can whilst encouraging each other to keep expressing all their yuk. And that possibly if people can manage to heal themselves then such truly loving people will affect those people around them, possibly inspiring others to be like them, so to also do their Healing.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I wrote this today with a Celestial spirit Nanna Beth, with whom I’ve been doing a lot of writing lately. For me personally it’s very important as it shifts my understanding of how and when our Healing ends, and in what state we might be in when that happens. It might be a bit repetitive and difficult to understand, as I’ve laboriously gone over it trying to gain as much as I can from it, so if you have any questions and don’t understand it, please ask me.
James: Nanna Beth, is it with our Healing that we are to get to the point of complete acceptance of our unloving negative state, even feeling sort of good within it, ‘sort of’ because we know it’s wrong and still don’t want to be it, yet feel good because there are no more bad feelings about it pressing. and coming up, and then once we’re Celestial, we start to live filling in all the deficiencies in our personality expression, like what you were saying to me the other day?
Nanna Beth: Yes, that’s right James. Which we’ve not been able to tell you outright for you’ve had to get to it yourself. But as you’re feeling and sensing it more, yes, what you say is correct. The Healing is all only about working on uncovering the truth of your wrongness with your bad feelings driving it. They make you feel bad, you embrace them, express them, and the truth of why you have them comes up within you, and then once you see the truth, the bad feelings are no longer there because they are no longer needed to keep driving you to see that truth about yourself. As you understand, it’s all only ever about the Truth. We are to see the whole truth of our unloving negative untrue state, so when we see it, we feel good, which is relatively good, that we are accepting it, we’re no longer fighting against it within ourselves. And the more we feel accepting of our wrongness, so the less we feel bad, so the less are there bad feelings coming up. And when you feel completely accepting of it, that is when you see the whole truth of it. Seeing the truth of anything, and particularly about yourself, makes you feel good, we all feel good because our whole being is truth-based. So as the truth comes, we feel good, and in the end, with so much truth about our negative, rebellious state, we feel good about it, and that is the end of our Healing. However as you understand, it’s not feeling good about how much of an unloving terrible nasty evil person you might be, and so wanting to carry on that way, it’s just feeling good that you are uncovering the truth of why you are that way, and knowing that it’s wrong and you don’t want to continue on being it. And yet you are also not fighting against yourself trying to make yourself be good, the opposite to your unloving state, you are just accepting that there is nothing you can do about yourself other than just keep on expressing any bad feelings and longing for the truth of them, the truth of ourselves in your wrongness. And at the same time, you have been changing, some parts of you have been ending their wrong and unloving expression, and newer parts of you are starting to come into being expressing love and you being right, even if only in their infancy, so if you were the most evil person on the planet, doing the most despicable things, you will have changed through your Healing no longer doing those things, whilst at the same time accepting the truth of why you did them, why you were made to be as you were. And it’s different for all of us as in how much we might rectify our bad self-expression as we grow to accept the truth of our wrongness, or how much that is left to do once your Healing is finished and you’re true and perfect and of a Celestial level of truth. Some of us take a long time in the lower Celestials starting out in many ways in our self-expression as if we are starting out from scratch, not being babyish, yet still having to start from the very beginning if such self-expression was denied us during our forming years.
James: I’m realising more that my desire to reach out and connect with the other person, to want their response, even demand it if it’s not quickly forthcoming, to ensure I make the connection and the person is connecting back to me, was just not part of my upbringing, and so it’s just not a part of me, it’s not something I do. It was for Marion, and she’s able to point out my shortcomings in this area, it taking her these twenty years of getting to know herself and to know me to be able to see it, being able to home in on it and so help me see it. And I have fought being this way, getting angry with myself when she’s worked on showing me, for I don’t want to speak to the walls and be happy that the other person doesn’t listen to me and doesn’t respond, and I just let it go, not ensuring the connection is there, but lately I’ve even given up on that, I’ve come to just accepting, oh well, it’s how I am, I can’t change myself, God has to do that, and as They aren’t doing it, so I will just accept how I am, and it’s not a mental thing, I just feel that’s how it is - I am accepting it, myself, more. And I am sorry to her for making her feeling like she doesn’t exist because I don’t reach out and demand and want the connection with her, but I can’t help it, it’s how God has made me in my wrongness, and sure, I can see it’s wrong, and overall it doesn’t make me feel good, in that I’m not deriving good feelings from my communication and interacting because the connection is not there on the deeper levels, but I don’t even know that I’m missing out, I don’t feel anything one way or the other because none of it was part of my early life. And I’ve been able to see just how enormous my deficit is in this area. As Marion has helped me see, if I had connected right from the beginning and grew up maturing in my connecting with other people, what would my interactions now be like? Yet that’s all missing, it’s simply not there, I just don’t do it. I can superficially talk with people, but really I have not much of an interest in them or desire to go further in my relationship with them. I used to think I should make the effort and people will like me because ‘I’m putting in’ making them feel like I’m interested in them, but I’ve given that up too, no longer caring whether they like me or not, and so not putting in and seeing what happens. So today I’m feeling that I can’t make up that enormous deficit, it’s too great and will take possibly years of my growing and experiencing it; so like you say, starting out from the beginning because it never happened for me. And to grow and evolve it, I can see that would take a long time, and I’ve wondered if that is to be included as part of my Healing, the slowly getting myself sorted out and bringing out all those retarded aspects of myself and bringing them right up to being fully functional, or whether my Healing might end upon uncovering the whole truth of it, and the bringing my true self out and developing all these retarded parts of myself being after my Healing, which is what you are saying is what happens.
Nanna Beth: Yes, there is plenty of time James, that is one thing you come to realise, and it doesn’t matter that you’re not perfect, we’ve all grow up and lived a lot of life being imperfect, so we can all cut each other some slack accepting and understanding that it’s going to take a long time for a lot of us to rectify our personality expression imperfections. We’re all retarded in some way because of severe unloving parenting, it causing us a severe amount of damage, and that it will take time to sort all those poor parts out, to see them for what they are and why they came about, and to have time for them to grow and evolve into being. So our Healing is as I said, just about bringing out all the pain and anguish of being in our wrongness, whilst at the same time seeing through that pain, the truth of it. And the truth is our true comforter, for as we feel it we feel more accepting of ourselves being as we are, however that will also involve a lot of expressing how anguished we feel about being so trapped in our yuk. So we have to bring out how much we hate being our bad self, and all the terrible pain of being it, and feeling so powerless to do anything about it, all of which eventually leads us to accepting it, as the truth comes to light about why we are it. When you understand something through the truth you are happy with it. You will never be happy only understanding it on the mental level, even though you can delude yourself that you are happy, which the mind spirits are all about. But with truth, then you do feel happy with the truth you are seeing, and eventually you become all truth, you see the whole truth of your unloving state, and so you feel good in it, no longer fighting yourself for being bad. And the fighting against yourself is all part of your childhood experience, it’s how you were parented, you fought against your parents, they fought against you, they didn’t allow you to be as you were, and so you don’t allow yourself to be as you are. So the truth goes against this, allowing you to be as you feel, ending the fight, even allowing you to feel a peace about being your fucked self. So you feel more self-accepting, accepting how wrong and bad you are, the more you feel calmer and even more loving of yourself. Yet still you also understand, because you feel the truth of it, that you’re not right, but as you can’t do anything about it, oh well, as you said, and you accept it. However all of this accepting can ONLY come through the truth, you can’t use your mind to artificially do it, like the mind spirits try to do. They apply their mind trying to rise above or accept or whatever, all their bad stuff, right to the point of believing they love it or no longer even have it. The Way of Feelings is to keep your mind out of it, by allowing yourself only to feel, and as you want to know the truth of such feelings, it comes and you express as much of your pain as you can, and slowly you start to feel better or more at ease within yourself, it all happening naturally. More accepting of being in your fucked up state, more accepting that you can’t do anything about it, more accepting that it’s you and this is how God wants you to be in your wrongness, just being the truth of it. So we are to be the truth of our evilness, because we are it, so what else can you be? But trying not to be it, that is using the mind fighting against what you are already are, so that’s being false and untrue. So we have to be truth to our untruth, which can be difficult to understand at first, as it’s so tempting to use your mind to try and just edit it out of you, rather than accepting that you are it; so why not go with it, allowing yourself to be what you already are?
James: Yes, I’m understanding that better now. I am fucked, it’s a done deal, so accept it. But as you say, not by using my mind, which would take a great effort to do and would be a contrivance and so false, just compounding my already wrong state; and instead letting that acceptance slowly come over the years through my feelings and truth they give rise to. So just be the fucked person I am. To be the living truth of it. To live true to my untruth. And not to try and be as untrue as I can be because I am untrue and so should go that way, that is the way of the mind to Enlightenment, so I now understand, so not trying to be as evil as I am because I am evil, but just trying to be true to being evil, saying, all right, I am evil, I don’t want to be it, but whilst I’m it, I will endeavour to see the whole of truth of why I’m it and how I’m it, through my feelings. Yes, thank you Nanna Beth for listening to me work it all through, and helping me feel and understand it more.
Nanna Beth: It’s my pleasure James. It’s the crux of the whole Healing, and as it’s so opposite to what anyone understands and yet more subtle in many ways, something you can only really understand through experience and seeing it compared to the Way of the Mind, it is what we all need to go through. I will be here if you want to talk more about it or anything. And as I said yesterday, John will want to speak to me more shortly, so until then, unless you have anything further in the meantime. And I say all of this, as you know, as part of my ‘signing off’ with you, it helps to break the connection of light, to close off your mind James, however if you’d rather I didn’t go through it all, we can just end when you want to stop writing with no need for any pleasantries and affirmations of speaking again soon.
James: I like mixing it up Nanna Beth, ending if I feel to, and at times your signing off does help me close down and come back to myself, rather than leaving the line open and dangling, it is like hanging up the telephone. So I’d rather just go as you feel and as I will as I feel, it’s all part of my not feeling like I need to control everything... if that’s all right with you?
Nanna Beth: Not a problems James, so I’ll hang up and talk to you soon - bye now, love Nanna Beth.
Later, after speaking with John on the phone (Nanna Beth is John’s grandmother)...
James: Speaking with John about this a little more, I also understood more, as I’ve written about it before, one will need to be in a state of perfect love, so true Natural love, to enable all the retarded parts to come out, they being retarded or left unexpressed because of not being loved, so to bring them out, doing the opposite by being loved, can only come when you are Healed. So those aspects of us couldn’t prefect themselves whilst we’re still unloving and in our negative love-denying states, as there isn’t the Natural love there to provide us with the good feelings within ourselves to bring them out.
Nanna Beth: That’s right James. So you can see how it all fits. And then include the Divine Love as well, and then you are to bring to light all those other aspects of yourself, of your soul and personality expression, that it will bring to light. And most of those aspects and attributes can’t come to light until you are Healed, your denial of love and truth preventing them. Which is why most of the positive effects of partaking of the Divine Love you will only see when you are Healed, and so of a true and perfect Celestial level of truth. Which is why you don’t see them naturally shining through for those ‘Divine Love people’ because they have not finished (nor even started) their Healing.
James: And so another slight modification on my part Nanna Beth, I did think with the Divine Love and having done your Healing, you’d be true and perfect when you were Celestial, in that, you had to be to move into or become of Celestial truth, so all your personality self-expression would be perfect, all the retardations and unexpressed parts having come out as your true self. But now what you’re saying is, we only need to be true and perfect to our untrue state, and when we’ve done that, we’re Healed. Even though we’re still imperfect so far as fully expressing our personality, all of which we then perfect at the Celestial level. So really to qualify for the Celestials, that is about one living completely true to one’s wrongness, and partaking of the Divine Love to a certain level, and then once that’s done and being a Celestial, one can carry on bringing to light all those parts that one was denied the expression of whilst living untruth to oneself. Is that how it works?
Nanna Beth: Yes James. When you are fully true to your untruth, when you have uncovered the whole truth of your evilness, then technically you are true, even though you are still lacking in your full personality self-expression because of the retardation you suffered. So you are granted entry into the Celestials because you are no longer denying any of yourself, which means, you are no longer denying your untrue evil state of no-love, as you are all-accepting of it, which means you are, loving it. And so, yes, you can then come over into the Celestial spheres from the seventh mansion world, but you are not all brand spanking new as you have been led to believe through the Padgett Messages and other writings, and what would be natural deductions of such a state. You are true and able to start the New Birth of your soul, as if you were Born Again, but that only means you are of such a true state of love, having embraced and accepted all your unloving state, so as to effectively start life over again, as if you were conceived into a truly loving state. But as you don’t have to literally start over as a baby, so you do bring out all those parts of yourself that you now know to be unexpressed, which would have been expressed, had you grown up feeling completely loved. So you can still be deficient on your complete loving personality expression, however because you are true, no longer untrue, you can take all the time you need to rectify those outstanding parts of yourself that need to come out as they would have done, had you been fully loved.
James: Yes, that does alter my picture of being a newly arrived Celestial. So I can see how what you said about Kevin (who recently entered in the first Celestial sphere), that he will need time to settle into the new light, and then over the years to come, set about with all the true love he is and receives from others about him, bringing to light all his repressed aspects of himself.
Nanna Beth: Yes, that is what happens.
James: What parts of yourself Nanna Beth were repressed when you entered the Celestial spheres, and how long have you been working on bringing them out?
Nanna Beth: Mostly I was deficient in expressing love. I would feel love, as I had a little love (love relative to my unloving state) in my early life, but I couldn’t express it. I grew up in the hard and tough world of looking at love expression as being a weakness and so it was to be avoided. So having finished my Healing I entered the Spheres of Love, as that’s what we call the Celestial Heavens, looking forward to being with loving beings, spirits and angels, so I too could start to express - and more importantly, see that it was all right to express - my love. Being surrounded by loving spirits makes you feel secure in your own good loving feelings, and before I knew it, I was opening up like a flower feeling so much love myself, feeling I was loving, and receiving such love. And it was such wonderful feelings James, to feel the light of all that love coming into your soul and making you feel so happy, you can’t not respond lovingly to it. And to feel such inner warmth, security, trust, no fear, ever, and you know that everyone is true, no one is going to suddenly turn against you, hurt you, reject you having pretended you could trust them and love them. So all of my past hurt, I very quickly saw, even though I’d healed all its pain through my Healing, that I would never ever ever ever ever be subjected to it again. And I can’t tell you how wonderfully comforting that makes you feel. It’s such a balm on your heart, your spirit starts to feel it can relax knowing no bad things will ever ever ever ever again happen to you, and you can’t begin to imagine how good that feels.
James: It sure sounds good, and how much I long to feel like that-
Nanna Beth: And you will James, and it’s possible to feel it on earth, you can be as we are, of a Celestial level of truth on earth, and so even if there is no one else around who is of your level, still you will feel loving and loved. And of course you’ll be receiving our love, even if you’re not aware of us higher spirits, just as you’ll also be receiving your angels love and the love directly from your Heavenly Mother and Father. Because when you are Healed, and so no longer rejecting Their Love, They come to you all the time, you can feel Them loving you all the time. You don’t have to specifically keep asking Them for it, you do ask however, as you love longing to be more at-one in all aspects with Them, those desires and longings being what drive and inspire you all the way to Paradise so you can really be with Them, but you feel Their loving connection with you all the time, it’s a permanent light in your heart, a permanent good ‘I feel loved by my Heavenly Parents’ feeling all the time. And then your love with your soulmate grows, this too being something that couldn’t happen whilst you were working your way through your Healing. Suddenly there are no barriers between you, and you feel the real, true and deep soulmate connection, knowing you are of the same one soul, and that gives you such a close binding feeling of love and companionship, it’s so wonderful. So all this love is coming to you, and slowly at first for it’s not to overwhelm you, but in time you adjust and more comes and you move to higher Celestial spheres, and that is our life over here. I am still working on bringing to light all the attributes of my personality James. Even those aspects that were more out were still, when compared to what they will be, severely restricted and limited in their expression. So I’m slowly bringing all aspects of myself up to the same level, which I hope to achieve some time soon, possibly in a few more years or ten, I don’t know, and don’t care, and then I will be functioning equally on all cylinders you might say. And that will set me up to deal with moving higher through Nebadon, for you have to be a fully integrated personality, as in expressing all the aspects of yourself equally and lovingly, before you can leave the third Celestial sphere.
James: So potentially you might be moving on soon Nanna Beth, even before I die?
Nanna Beth: Potentially so, yes, however the reality is, no, for I will be staying doing what I’m doing here right through the next Spiritual Age. My soulgroup won’t be moving on anytime soon, and we’re more than happy about that. We will still be growing in truth, that is never delayed, it’s just that you don’t have to keep moving up to keep going in truth, there are longer times of staying in one place if need be whilst you grow, and then when the time comes, moving up higher quicker, as you’ve already progressed through those levels of truth.
James: Thank you again Nanna Beth for telling me all that about yourself, I do want to know more, but I’ve got other things I want to talk to you about for John. And I just want to conclude this by trying to summarise how I now see things concerning the end of our Healing and attaining a Celestial level of truth... That we are to uncover the truth of our untruth through the Healing mansion worlds levels (and their equivalent on Earth); and then once that’s done, and with the appropriate amount of Divine Love in our soul warranting fusion with our Indwelling Spirit, we can move into the Celestial spheres of love (or their equivalent on earth), thereby setting about bringing all those parts of our personality expression out that have been repressed because of our growing up being subjected to evil and no-love, all being able to be done because of the true love we receive from those about us, and the true loving state we feel within ourselves. So for myself, I did think that if I had to reach the whole untruth of my Healing, and somehow rectify all the deficiencies in my personality expression, those which every day now I’m seeing are vast - a whole life time of not connecting with the other person, not knowing how to; and my Healing meant I also had to bring out all those repressed areas of myself along with uncovering and accepting the whole truth of my unloving state, then I couldn’t see myself ever coming anywhere near finishing my Healing before I died. However now with what you Nanna Beth have helped me understand, I can see that perhaps I could reach the end of it, I could attain the level of truth seeing the whole truth of my evilness - feeling it, accepting it, and feeling at-one with it, thereby ending my Healing. And then for the rest of my life, enjoy the loving feelings of being true as I work to bring to light all those retarded and repressed aspects of myself. Yes, I feel good about that, I can live with that, I don’t feel so hopeless and despairing about my Healing going on forever. However I still have to live it, so until I have to again modify my understanding of it, I will go down this track.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Yesterday Marion asked me what I thought about speaking with any of family who are in spirit, as I’ve been speaking with some of John’s family lately. And up rushed the anger and: NO WAY, NEVER!!! I don’t want to have anything to do with them ever again! And even if they are doing their Healing - NO! This morning as I left to go shopping one of my new plants I’d put in which had just woken up after its winter rest and was looking so good, was lying in pieces, with the longest stem laid neatly over what remained of the little trunk, as if to say, FUCK YOU! You are not going to get what you want! All the way into town I was expressing my rage out loud at not getting what I want. I get some of it, the other plants haven’t been touched, only my favourite. I get a little, but then it’s the same old thing, I have to give the rest away to my brother and sister: ‘Don’t be mean, let them have some.” I’ve been over this before many times over the years, expressing my anger at not being the main important one, always having to put myself aside for someone else, and then being made to vicariously have my fun through their fun. So I raged all the way into town, and then just as I got to where I park, my feelings moved to massive hatred of them, and of them all, all my family including both grandparents. I’ve never felt such hated before. It was bursting out of me. I got out of the car and felt like I couldn’t walk, I was so stiff, ceased up with the hatred, which explained why my body has packed it in over the years to where I can hardly do anything with it. I am so full of hatred, hating being with them in every moment, I could feel it, any nice feelings of enjoying mucking around with my brother vanished, all was erased with only hatred remaining - so much for all my so-called love I had for them when I first started my Healing! Ha, that is well and truly long gone. And now if any tiny morsel had been hiding anywhere, it was annihilated by my hatred. And it was pure hatred, not just anger like is has been before. And I felt no way could I even begin to express it, if it all came out of me there’d be nothing left of me. My chest was aching at the pressure building in it, like a volcano wanting to explode, I longed to be able to get it all out of me. So I went with it as I shopped, raging in my mind, hating as much as I could, and eventually it fizzed out and I came back to my normal state. However I was changed, I now know that I hate them, once and for all, so there’s no point remembering the times that I thought were okay, for they are all false good feelings over the top of this deep soul-hatred of them. And I am saturated with it, and yesterday all I felt was negativity, being saturated with it too, as well as being saturated with misery, anger and fear. God, where does it all fit? So even though I’ve expressed masses of these bad feelings over the years, really one of the things my Healing has done is open me up so I feel all those feelings more intensely, so I can express even more of them. I feel like I’ve put my toe on the tip of my iceberg of hatred. And I feel good that at least I’ve got there. Everything, how I relate to people in the world, to Marion at home, it all points to, as she’s helped me to see over the years, that I hate everyone including her, that I am projecting the hatred of my parents and family onto her and the world, yet I’d not been able to really connect with it, so now I have.
And along with these feelings, lately I’ve been feeling more at ease with all my wrongness, no longer fighting it, accepting Marion’s help to keep showing me how it is, working at why I am that way, seeing more of the truth of it as my feelings bring it up, and feeling that I can’t do anything about, God is keeping me as I am, so I will just be true to it. So feeling as I can’t change any of it, just being it, feeling it, because I am it, allowing it to come out more, not resisting - accepting. And understanding that I will keep going this way until I do change, until I no longer need to keep uncovering such truth, which I imagine will be when I’ve seen all I need to see. And I also imagine that when that happens, I will make the transition into being of Celestial truth. And then be able to experience all my faults and wrongness, all my unloving ways of being that I am now, going, so I can experience the opposite loving ways, bring out all those parts of myself that have been denied and neglected. This being the end of my Healing.
The end of our Healing? Tuesday, 15 August 2017. (Nanna Beth is a Celestial spirit of the third sphere; she is also John’s grandmother. And John is a guy in Queensland who likes my work.)
James: Nanna Beth, Marion and I were talking about the male/female approach, with my needing the picture with my mind upon which to base my feeling expression, truth and understanding, whereas Marion only needs her feelings, she herself is, if anything, the picture just by being herself - all she feels, and her being is the base from which she expresses all her feelings. She doesn’t need the mental pictures as much as I do. So an example of our difference is, I ask you about life in the Celestial spheres wanting to know what it’s like over there, what it looks like, where you live, the set up with your soulgroups, and so on; whereas Marion would want to know, how you communicate with each other, what you feel with each other, how your relationships are different to how they were in the Healing worlds. Marion is intently focused on the people together, the interaction, all the feelings involved, not where they are and what they are doing, those things being only the props for people to express themselves to each other. So I want to ask you, how is between you and your soulmate on the relating and connecting to each side of things, compared to how it was in your relationships in your wrongness?
Nanna Beth: It is as Marion was saying. We are true and perfect in our self-expression upon entering the Celestial spheres, we are granted that, we have to be in that condition to live here, and it will be same for you on Earth when your Healing ends. So our whole focus is on expressing ourselves, and it’s easy to do, we are like how a young child is, you constantly want to express your feelings, you can’t not do it. You can’t help yourself. It just happens naturally because that it is the light in your soul, it’s all that you are, it’s how you live, and with everyone around you in the same state, so you express all you feel all the time to each other. And you do it without thought, just like a child does. You, have to make a great effort because to express yourselves, you James are still living against yourself, against expressing all you feel, you are no longer a true child, you’re a rebellious adult, living against the natural flow of your soul, against your own true love. So your relationships are built around the limitations of your self-expression. We feel a feeling and want to convey it to the other person (spirit), our heart opens to them, we feel our will activated at wanting to connect with them, and when we see they are ready, willing and open to receive us, we speak, we will our feelings and thoughts to them, and they readily receive them; and if they feel too, will respond in kind, that being what they think and feel. Just look at little children how effortlessly they communicate with each other if they are free to do so. And we are just as free only we are adults too, so we’re fully aware of what we are feeling and mostly why we are, and what we are doing in wanting to be with and fully connect with the other person - or spirit, in our case; and knowing, because we feel it, how the other person should respond to us. And if they don’t, then why, what is wrong, we feel bad, they feel bad, and we work to immediately sort it out; and we do, the truth coming to light very quickly. But such miscommunications are rare, and rarer still the higher you go. In the early times of our life here in the Celestial spheres we are still bringing into being a lot of what was denied us, so all our retarded and repressed attributes and self-expression. So we have a few rough patches we need to bring up to scratch, and that happens all very quickly because everything, our whole way of life and how we express ourselves, the light of the sphere we live in, is supportive of that. Everything naturally resonates to perfection over here, unlike in the mansion worlds and on Earth where everything is resonating to imperfection because of the Rebellion and Default. So all you are finding very hard in your own self-expression James, and all those parts of yourself you are coming to accept are wrong and you can’t do anything about them other than keep expressing what you feel, are sorted out and healed and your whole being works for you instead of with your mind against you as you currently are. And our whole interaction, as I said the other day, is loving. We feel such love. You don’t feel any love, so you can’t begin to understand what feeling so much love would feel like. And you’re not to know until you are fully Healed, that too you are coming to understand and accept currently. You can’t feel loved in your unloving, love-rejecting states, it’s impossible, other than the corrupted mind-influenced love you all know. But true pure unadulterated love, the real true love from your very own soul, you, the love that you are, that your Heavenly Parents made you of, that is what we express all the time; and so being so loving, you are always lovingly reaching out to your soulmate, to the others in your soulgroup, to everyone you have anything to do with. And naturally they respond to you with their love, and so love compounds, and at the end of the day we have to rest simply to integrate all the love and good feelings we’re feeling, unlike you and Marion having to crash at the end of the day feeling so bad as a result of how unloved and alone you’ve felt all day.
James: The main point for me at the moment is what you said in not thinking I should be any other way that what I am. I am unloving, so I am, and it’s for me to be it. I did think my Healing as I progressed, should make me come out of myself, make me loving, more expressive, more feeling, more wanting to reach out and connect with Marion and everyone else, and it has to a little degree, yet that I can see is only to help me see more truly how I’m not all those things, and how I’m closed off, hateful, unloving and rejecting of myself, Marion and everyone else - completely negative. And so instead of fighting that, accepting it, yet only accepting it as I naturally feel to, I can’t make myself accept how I am when I hate being as I am, I can only express my bad feelings and grow in truth of how fucked I am to the point of feeling naturally self-accepting of my unlovingness, and that is what is feel is happening to me now.
Nanna Beth: It is James, that is what happens as you move toward the end of your Healing, for your bad feelings have given rise to the truth of your unloving self-denying state and now you are accepting that truth. And as you say, it’s not about you trying to change yourself, that is all lower stuff, what you were wanting your mind to do because that was how it was trained to be. You believed - wrongly - that you could change yourself using your mind, however as you now understand, you can’t, and no one actually can. You can delude yourself that you can, yet once your childhood is finished, you can’t work your mind like that. And all you are doing is only outworking your childhood. So all you can do as an adult is work to accept all that is the truth of your childhood. And when that’s seen, so then you will end your rebellious ways, your soul unites with your Indwelling Spirit, and become divine from all the Divine Love you have longed for and received, and you become a different being, (morontial, as The Urantia Book says) you are immortal, you will always be, your survival has been assured, and as a consequence you do change into the first level or stage of perfection, which is that of the first Celestial sphere. And then you can express yourself free of the Rebellion and Default, and that is all-loving, and so that’s what happens. And it takes a little while getting used to it, it’s a huge change in us, which is why Kevin is not wanting to come rushing to make contact with John, because having just come over here into the first Celestial sphere, he is still getting used to the new light within himself. And in a way it feels as if you’ve been ill for a very long time, which in fact you have, the whole of your rebellious anti-love life, and suddenly you are fully healed - a miracle of sorts, and you are a bit wobbly on your new spirit feet as you get used to all the good feelings, all the love you feel from everyone, and even the love you feel for them! When you’ve never really felt true love, and suddenly you start to, it takes you by surprise at first, and you think, wow, this is love, this is really what it feels like, oh my God, it feels so nice, what lovely feelings, I love these feelings, I want more of them, they make me feel good and I don’t even have to do anything to make myself feel them, I am just feeling them. Which is again the very opposite of how it’s been for you James, and really for everyone if they were able to be true to their unloving states. I know it’s very difficult, but the big mistake people make in their Healing is thinking they should be loving, and the more they progress, believing love should come, they should feel it because isn’t that what Healing yourself of being unloving is all about? However, although that is true, it doesn’t work like that. So you’d be much better not expecting yourself to feel love, express all your bad feelings about not feeling it, of course, and everything else you feel: wanting it, how much you want it, being angry that you can’t have it, demanding to have it, and so on; whatever you feel, yet knowing that you are working to fully embrace and accept your state of no-love, the state of the Rebellion against love, and so in that state, there IS NO LOVE. So by the end of your Healing, you should be actually feeling fully unloving, the whole truth of your unlovingness, and not fully of love. You should be true to how it was for you through your early life, and the real truth, on a feelings and soul level, and not that of your mind which might have believed it felt love from and for your parents and siblings. And to further understand that real true love won’t actually come until your Healing has finished, then when you are of a Celestial truth, then you’ll feel love and be all-loving. And I know it’s been a long time in coming for us to reveal such truth to you, but you’ve had to get there yourself James, you’ve had to work your way into this state or level of truth before we’ve been able to discuss it with you.
James: Yes Nanna Beth, I understand that, I can see how you’ve matched me each step of the way. And now I get it, for here I am feeling it, so I’m glad you can tell me about it.
Nanna Beth: As are we James. However that is all we can do, as we can’t help you become loving, no one can, not even the angels will cross that line, because that’s all between you and your Mother and Father.
James: I understand that Nanna Beth. And I am feeling closer to Them, not more loving as I can’t feel love, and rarely does any Divine Love come into my soul these days, however that too I am not fussed about, feeling I probably have all I need from the days when it did freely flow into me, so I am just focusing on being true to what I feel and nothing else. For I do understand They will change me when the time is right, and I’m even feeling good, I even got a bit teary eyed about it earlier today, about all I’ve been though and how fucked I am. I’m glad I’m so fucked, because I do feel I am getting to know quite thoroughly my version of feeling unloved. So I see this as all part of my self-acceptance, no longer rejecting my yuk bad parts as they come to light, even just going along with biting my nails, overeating, just doing what I feel, and if I feel bad, expressing those feelings. And I’m longing for the truth all the time in one way or another; meaning, when I feel bad, or just any time when I feel stable or even good, but again not forcing it with my mind making myself remember to long, just doing it all when I feel I want to do it. And if I don’t want to do, hey, that’s fine, I don’t feel bad not longing more than I am. And it feels good finally giving up so much of my controlling mind.
Nanna Beth: And it feels absolutely wonderful giving it all up, you have no idea James, to actually feel free of the controlling tentacles of your mind. And to be able to reflect back and understand just how much mind you were, how little feelings you lived and expressed in life, even though you felt all the way through it. But feelings without truth are meaningless, letting of steam as you have written, and all just mind generated. So to feel completely your feelings, you are feelings, and then your mind is there to totally support them and not get in the way, no longer stepping in and taking over, and you are no longer living unconsciously expressing your beliefs without any understanding or feeling that you are, oh it’s just so, so good James, and so worth it all, so worth going through such hardship when finally you do feel so, so, good.
James: I just realised as you were saying that Nanna Beth, our fusion with our Indwelling Spirit that takes us into the Celestial level, the fusion really signifies making right all that’s wrong within us. Our Indwelling Spirit is perfect, and so to fuse with it in our soul, means all that we are has to be of that perfection too. So that is why it’s so significant, it being a state in our growth for people and spirits subjected to rebellion, like we all are, with fusion meaning it’s the end of it, we can be purified once and for all of it, left untainted by it, FREE! Almost like a spiritual fire that purges us of all impurity, all rebellion, that being, once we’ve seen the truth of how rebellious we are. Yes, so that makes even more sense, we are to uncover the whole truth of our wrongness, feeling it, knowing it inside and out, and then when we attained that level, then fusion takes place, a real full-on super-spiritual experience that shifts us from the imperfect to the perfect. And then we can have perfect and true relationships with everyone, with ourselves, nature, each other, and with our Mother and Father, which we can’t have before because we’re unloving and imperfect. And I’m sorry to keep going over and over these points, but I’m working it into all the different ways I see it, it all coming together, slowly painting the picture I need. And I guess at lot of people understanding the theory of this, will try and jump the gun by using their mind and believing they are true and perfect and all-loving and are fused with their Indwelling Spirit?
Nanna Beth: Which is what the high mind spirits are trying to fabricate for themselves using their mind claiming to be Enlightened. And yet they have no idea what they are talking about. And yes, it is possible James, as you know you did it yourself early on in your Healing, you have a big spiritual experience as part of your awakening in your Healing, and you quickly bring in your mind making yourself believe your Healing is finished, you’ve done it, you’ve even fused with your Indwelling Spirit, you’ve made it, you are true and pure and all-loving and at-one with God. But if you are still longing sincerely for the truth, then you’ll soon move past that mental aberration, feeling yet more bad feelings coming up swamping your vainglorious mind, and you’ll have to admit that you’re not as progressed as you believed you were, that you jumped the gun, got a bit ahead of yourself, made it all up, are not yet Healed, and seek the truth of why you did that, through your feelings.
James: Yes, I can laugh now Nanna Beth at myself, for I think I finished my Healing about three times, with Marion saying I was full of shit, that I hadn’t even started it properly, she being proved right of course.
Nanna Beth: I think we all do it James. We all want it to end quickly, and no one really appreciates just how much truth is involved, and so how long it’s going to take to work yourself steadily along releasing your repressed feelings into uncovering the whole extent of your unlovingness. It’s not something you can apply a few simple steps to, say a few mantras, have a few meditations about, pray and long a bit, it’s a long drawn out process of coming to terms with yourself, or coming to understand in just how bad a state you are in. It’s seven mansion worlds worth of untruth that you have to ascend and bring to light within yourself, and that involves an enormous amount of bad feelings. And then to realise that all that enormous amount of bad feelings were what you felt through your early life - well, it’s amazing you didn’t just perish with the pain of it all.
James: Yes, it is. I’m going to leave it there Nanna Beth. Thank you again for talking with me, that’s helped me understand myself and our Healing even more. I think I might have got it, I think it might have sunk in now... however I know the danger in making such a claim, so I’ll probably want to talk more about it with you sometime soon.
Nanna Beth: It’s my pleasure James, speak to again soon - good bye now, love Nanna Beth.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I’ve been realising lately, and accepting, that my compulsions, which I thought would lessen as I progressed in my Healing and then stop, will now more than likely be with me right the way to the end of my Healing.
It’s as if I am my house, and in my house are many rooms, and in each room is one of my compulsions. And I go into each room spending time in it getting to know the ins and outs of the compulsion. And over the years through the feelings it makes me feel, I am able to see how it came to be within me - the whole truth of it.
So I’ve stopped thinking that as I progress in my Healing my compulsions will diminish and then finally end. It dawned on me the other day (yes, I’m a little slow on the uptake), that of course I still need to keep all my compulsions right the way through to the end, so as to keep the pressure on me to keep bringing up the feelings I need to express and uncover the truth of those compulsions and all the rest of my wrongness. I need to be the child that I was and still am, to feel myself right back there as I was, and yet at the same time as I am now. So I can know exactly all I felt and why I felt those feelings. So I need my compulsions to remain so I can see exactly - feel exactly - how they came to be, what unloving things were done to me, and how I took them on becoming as I am in my untrue false state.
So now I feel I crashed into a wall at the beginning of my life with my parents and family. I was in a million pieces, and somehow managed to put myself together enough to go on and become the adult I am, unaware of my damaged state. And now I am allowing myself, as my feelings take me there, as my delusion falls away, to be each of those pieces, feeling how I feel being in such a damaged state.
So the physical things I do, my aches and pains, the psychological and behavioural things, all my problems with my self-expression and connecting with the other person, I thought would go away as I progressed in my Healing, for wasn’t that what I was doing - healing myself? But no, I am healing myself, but by uncovering the truth of these things through my feelings, so it doesn’t even matter if they remain, all so long as the truth keeps coming to light. And now I even expect and need them to remain, so I can keep doing that. So I have found more peace and self-acceptance within me, just allowing my problems to be, not thinking they should have gone by now, and so what is wrong - what am I doing wrong in my Healing? And to keep expressing all the bad feelings that come up, and they keep coming, longing to see the truth of them, and accepting that I will probably have these problems right the way through until that magical day when my Healing ends and I become of a Celestial level of truth. And then being a Celestial, then being true and loving, I imagine I will be able to work to develop all the retarded aspects of me that my compulsions have been denying.
James: Helen (a Celestial spirit), was it like that for you when you got to the end of your Healing?
Helen: It was James, that’s how it was for all us Celestials, and for the same reasons you are feeling within yourself. As you understand, it’s only about bringing to light the truth of yourself, so whilst you’re in your anti-love states, the truth of that. And that’s what your ‘Healing’ is all about, bringing to light how it was for you as a young child, how it still is for you as that child now an adult, how you are, in your wrongness. And all through feelings. So it’s not actually about doing your Healing so as to Heal all that’s wrong within yourself and in your physical body so then you are okay to live on happily in your Natural love perfection, because of your longing for an receiving the Divine Love, it’s about coming to terms with the whole truth of yourself feeling unloved. And then once that is done, as in, seen for what it is, and how it makes you feel, then you are free to move on into the Celestial levels of truth; and then once there, you will repair the damage that was done to you. Once you are of a Celestial level of understanding, then, being all-loving and true, you will use that self-love to grow and evolve into the full person of your truth that you should have been allowed to grow and develop into. So this is why it’s called being born anew or born again, because once you’ve fully accepted the totality of your wrongness, then you are free to grow into the full expression of your rightness, as you would have been had you not been conceived into the Rebellion and Default. So as you are feeling, many of your problems, much of your wrongness, will persist right up until the end so as to help you keep feeling the bad feelings you need to feel to uncover the truth of your whole negative unloving state. Some of what’s wrong with you will go, even some of your compulsive behaviour will end, yet some of the main ones will remain right until the end. And you may feel better and better about yourself even though you still do your bad compulsive things, even feeling okay about doing them as you accept them because you understand why you do them, you have connected with the deep trauma you suffered and are still suffering, and so don’t feel angry with these things that just won’t end or go away.
James: So is that we can come right to the end of our Healing, yet still have our problems and wrong things we do, so are not really healed as such, although we know and feel and have connected with the whole truth of these things; and then we make the transition to the Celestial level, and we’re changed, in that then we no longer do those bad things or have such problems and are free to grow into being the full expression of ourselves. Or, will we make the transition, still with them, but then they will dissolve away as we bring to light our true and full self-expression?
Helen: I can’t tell you that James, you will have to wait and see. And in fact, although we’ve been told what to expect, because no one on Earth has as yet completed their Healing and so technically attained a Celestial level of truth, we still don’t really know how it will be for you. However we don’t see why it shouldn’t be too much like it was for us, which was most of our problems had ended by the time were ready to fuse with our Indwelling Spirit and move into the Celestial heavens, because we needed to be of a certain level of Natural love prior to making the ‘jump’ so to speak. However it wasn’t a prerequisite that we were true and perfect and all healed of every problem and compulsion before our time came to ‘cross over’. And that in the ‘crossing’ from the seventh mansion world to the first Celestial sphere, all our remaining negative conditions were terminated, transformed out of us, so upon our waking up we were totally free of them. And that sure was a good feeling. But because you are not spirits and not making the crossing as we do, so we don’t really know how it will be for you, even though generally speaking we have been told. However, as I said, I can’t tell you what we understand, for you have to experience it for yourself, we can’t take anything of that experience away from you.
James: Thank you Helen, you’ve given me some more things to think about anyway. Marion keeps feeling better and happier even though some of her problems still remain. She still has down times and bad feelings and when she’s in them she’s the very opposite of feeling good, feeling devastatingly bad, hating all her problems and feeling so angry she’s still got them, and angry that the Father hates her, and hating Him, and angry they will never go away. Then she’s back to feeling very happy and the Father loves her and she loves Him, and she feels: well okay, I can cope with the problems, they not making her miserable or angry. For myself, I still feel sick more often than not, crushed, fucked, miserable and angry, yet far less I used to, and very little fear like I had. And daily I feel I’m coming to terms with and accepting, as I understand them and see how they are, all my compulsive behaviour, no longer so angry with it that I can’t change myself, that I can’t do anything other than just keep expressing my feelings and wanting to see the truth of them. And I do have times in which I feel better about myself, however nothing like Marion does. But I do feel good about accepting my Healing as it is now, making a sort of peace with myself, not expecting my problems to go away, and just to wait and see what happens as I get closer to the end.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Marion says, you can’t become true to something that’s untrue, so you can’t become true to your untrue state, because you’re already that state - there’s nothing to be true to when you’re already it, and so all you can do is become fully aware of that state. And as it’s a false state, so fully aware of how false and untrue you are.
And so to do our Healing, all we have to do is keep bringing out all our bad feelings and seeing the truth of them, and as they come out, so the causes within us that are making us untrue, go, and we gradually become our true self. All very simple really. And over time, I would agree that that is what has been happening to me. It’s all very subtle and I’m not aware that I am changing as it’s happening, but in retrospect and gradually overall, and occasionally in the moment, I become aware that I have changed for the better.
And that she has always been aware of her falseness, whereas I didn’t have a clue. So a large amount of what I’ve been doing through my Healing years is gradually becoming aware of my falseness and how I am untrue. And so this is what I have been saying is becoming true to my untruth.
So I guess over time I will make amends to what I have said, and possibly should my Healing ever come to an end, I might understand what I’ve actually done, and well enough to be able to tell anyone else should they want to know.
Anyway, stubbornly for now, I still feel like leaving what I have said about how we have to become true to our untrue and false states; which really means: we have to become fully aware of all the false bits we are, no longer denying them and pretending we are not untrue and wrong. So by being fully aware of how wrong I am in each part of myself, then I feel connected with it, with how I am, so in a way, true to it, which is really - just being it, that which I always have been.
So I hope I’m not too confusing.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Marion maintains that all we need do is live true to our feelings. All this I go on about living true to our untruth before we can be true, is unnecessary because we are it, it’s not about living true to it, you can’t live true to something that you just are. So it’s about living true to all you feel, wanting to be true, longing for the truth, and you’ll get there... where? To being true.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
We are to allow our feelings to have their say, we submit to them by accepting them. We are to give ourselves over to them like how a child does. The child naturally expresses its feelings if it’s not made to stop doing so. It just IS its feelings. It’s not a matter of whether or not they are good or bad, they are just what they are. So we are to allow our feelings to carry us along, and there will be times when you feel them, on all levels, yet you don’t feel moved to say anything about them. But then they increase and suddenly you need to speak about them, expressing how they are making you feel. As with it all, it’s to happen naturally, we are not to contrive our submission and surrender to them by using our mind to submit, telling ourselves we must let go and fall into them, so do it - because, how really do you do that? It’s all too controlling. It’s not a matter of saying, ah, there’s a feeling, now I must work with it, I must work into it, go into it, let myself sink into it. Making yourself do so, by taking over and using your mind. It’s all to happen naturally and with and through your feelings. Your feelings will take you deeper into them if you allow them to, it all happening naturally and without you having to make yourself do it. However, you might need to make or force yourself to keep yourself from not using your mind to take over. And to keep being aware that you are to just naturally move with them, something that will happen the more you get to know yourself. The more you become aware of how you use your mind to control yourself. I feel scared, with the fear coming up in me and seeming to radiate and even pour of me. I can feel the energy of the fear, it’s like a light and it’s shinning out of me. And I feel the emotion of feeling scared. However currently, I don’t feel the fear that intensely, there’s almost something comforting about it, as I allow myself to feel it. I just go with it. I don’t say anything to Marion for a while, whilst I stay in it. Then I feel I want to tell her how scared I am, how it’s all through my body, coming up from my feet and radiating out of me, making me feel shaky all over, and so scared, yet scared of what I don’t know - just scared. I often don’t know exactly what is making me scared, I just feel scared, I am still longing to God to help me see why I am so scared and where it’s all coming from - what happened to me to make me so scared, and what am I actually so scared about. Then I have a pain in my left hip area. It’s familiar, I acknowledge it and allow it to be there, I don’t do anything with my mind to block it off, I don’t get up off the couch trying to make it go away. I just accept that it’s part of my wrongness, part of my feeling- and self-denial, it’s this part of my physical body showing me something is not right. And I am expressing the pain by just being aware of it - feeling it. I don’t feel I need to say anything to Marion, she knows I have the pain on and off, as I have had it for years now. Usually, if the pain changes in some way, I tell her, or if it gets too much, then I speak about it, but mostly I just allow it to be there; and even allow is not the right word as that still implies I have some control, some say in it, I allow it or don’t allow it, it being my choice. So I just feel it, the hurt, the dull ache, the raw feeling, and I feel how feeling such pain makes me feel - so: how do I feel having such continuous pain in my hip area? And I express these feelings to her. But I don’t do this all the time, as I said, only when I feel to, when suddenly I’m doing it, all naturally, just like a child does, and really without thinking about it. During my Healing years, I have been one big pain composed of many pains, all of varying degrees. These being physical pains. Then I have all the pain of my emotions and feelings, mostly my fear, misery and anger; and then all the mental stress and control, the agitation of my mind trying to maintain its control. And pain from not feeling I am right, that I don’t fit right in life, that I’m off kilter somehow, that life isn’t for me, that I’m going in the wrong direction against it, a sort of deep spiritual pain, knowing I am wrong. And then my soul pain, knowing that I am fucked and untrue and can’t have a good loving relationship with myself, with Marion, with anyone, and with God. I want to feel the love of my Mother and Father always there, Them always loving me, yet I don’t. I feel disconnected, shut out, cut off, not fully present in such relationships. I don’t know where I am, and I don’t feel right, that something is always wrong - because it is. And all these pains, worries, upsetting feelings, all of which make me continuously feel scared, miserable and angry, I don’t speak about all the time with Marion, only when a certain part is focused on and I’m moved to, when it’s more intense, when it’s gone on too long, when I have to. I have over the years spoken endlessly about them, but a lot of them are now just part of my everyday life, I have more of an acceptance of them, and unless they change or I get fed up with them or something else makes me focus on them, they are just part of the background me. And over the years so many feelings on all these levels have come and gone. I lose some bad feelings and pain and then others come. Old ones might return, stay awhile, only to disappear again. Often I forget I even have them, suddenly thinking, oh that pain or bad feeling has gone, I haven’t had it for a while. And then there are all the fringe feelings, they are very faint, and at times I suddenly focus on them with something in myself turning my attention to them, feeling something within me is not right. And these feelings, on the periphery of my consciousness, I know to instantly speak about and give my full attention to, because they always lead deeper and all over the place affording Marion and I many insights into ourselves and understanding more about it all. Our surrendering and submitting to our feelings only needs to be emphasised like this because so much of us is so heavily programmed to block them out and dismiss them. But if we were more child-like in our feelings, we’re just be them, we’d naturally express them, and we could then long for their truth, being aware of them and working with them using our mind with more awareness, compared to when we were children and unaware. And when we completely give up, admitting we’re a failure, hit rock bottom, give up, are no longer fighting, just being engulfed by the fullness of our feelings, even feel they are going to kill or obliterate us, then they have done what they are to do, to break down our mind control so we can just be free, free to wholly feel what we are to feel. And then the feelings can go, the pain ends, and the truth can be seen. The truth of why we are feeling them. So to see your feelings like they are a river within you, and you in the flow and going with them and wanting to know why you are feeling them, is what life is for us to do so as to give us the joy and the fulfilment we crave. And with all the truth constantly coming to light, and feeling good about ourselves and life, feeling so connected with ourselves, each other, nature and God, we feel loved. And then with love predominating, and then dominating, we’ll be living true to ourselves and all how God has created us to live.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
These are bits and pieces that have come up for us during the past weeks, things that might be relevant and some Healing help. Some of it is repetitive, however that too is how it is for us, going over and over the same things as we relate differently to them as we change. I have been very off, feeling so fucked, angry about everything, so some of these comments might be a bit wonky.
Marion’s and my different Healing approaches.
I’ve basically said this before, and I don’t know if it will help anyone, but perhaps some people will approach their Healing as Marion does, with other people coming at it as I do. And in the end, it all amounts to the same thing: becoming true.
Marion says she’s not doing her Healing to become true to her wrongness so she can see all that’s wrong with her (as she’s already true to it), thereby being able to let it go, or have it then transformed out of her by her soul once she’s expressed all her repressed feelings and seen the truth they are to show her. For her, it’s only about bringing out all that was imposed on her, so all that’s repressed within her, all those suppressed feelings she wasn’t allowed to express; and by doing that, she is becoming her true self. She is untrue, and is expressing her repressed bad feelings out of her to become true.
From my perspective, she is not like me who has shut everything out, she being wholly aware of all her wrongness, so not needing to wake up to it, accept it and express all she feels about it. I have to accept how fucked I am and be true to it, because I wasn’t. She has always been true to it, her parents didn’t allow her to escape into her mind as mine allowed me.
So she is bringing out her bad feelings setting herself free of her falseness and becoming true. She has always been aware of her full horror and all she has suffered. With more understanding and truth coming to light along the way. I am slowly waking up to the full horror having to realise on a daily basis just how bad it was for me, as I had no idea, having blocked out all such bad feelings and replaced them with an idealised image and belief of having loving parents and a good upbringing.
And: Marion loves her ‘Healing’, she doesn’t call it her Healing as she just says it’s her wanting to be true, because all her bad feelings keep coming up so she can express them out of her. So as she’s always felt bad, it’s nothing new feeling bad so much of the time, with being able to express her bad feelings being what’s different and what she now loves being able to do, as she couldn’t do that before.
I’m always angry about feeling so bad, with the more I bring out the more angry I become, because the more bad feelings there are to come out and the more aware of them I become, having blocked them all out. So as I get more in touch with my pain, pain which I deluded myself I wasn’t in having shut it all out, so I feel worse and worse, wondering how I will be able to function at all. However, I can also acknowledge that I am feeling better, the worse I also feel, because I’m allowing myself to be truer to my bad feelings.
And: Marion usually blames herself, it’s always her fault - the woman’s default position in the wrongness. Whereas I, the man, never blame myself, always blaming the other person. Marion is the victim with it always being someone else doing it to her, and often someone like me who’s always doing it to the other person not feeling I am the victim. However my feelings are leading me to be far more like Marion, because they did it to me and I am the victim and I don’t want to hurt others. And now she’s doing it to herself, and I am too, only I find it so much harder to accept that I am. And she always feels - believes, she has to change her ways because she’s wrong, wrong according to the man and her parents, whereas I don’t believe I have to, that I being the man is already perfect, right and the correct way to be, all the words they used to keep me under control.
How aware the baby is in the womb - already taking it all in and forming with it - how else could it be? These are a two books we read about showing how aware the baby is in the womb - we’ve not read the books ourselves, they were mentioned in another book. The Secret Life of the Unborn Child - Thomas Verny, John Kelly. Babies Remember Birth - Dr. David Chamberlain.
By the child is 2 or 3, its apparently been told off something like 60,000 times. That’s severe mental damage and programming, which is so fucking hard to heal.
Want do I want from the other person? I don’t know. It’s what Marion says I should know. And I hope one day I will because then I’ll be connecting properly with them.
Our life starts dependent on another person, we naturally want them and look to them for it, and can even get it to a certain extent. Normally, had we not been interfered with, we’d be able to get what we needed at each step of existence.
If you bring it out in words, then you feel the truth of it. It’s real, there for all to see. The value of verbal feeling-expression.
Lucifer, perfect to imperfect. We perfect to imperfect back to perfect. Marion: What is the point of our yuk?
The Talking Cure - the way out of addiction. Yes, however it takes a fucking long time. The one good thing about the professional analyst is you get time ( although you heavily pay for it) to talk, to have someone there to listen. When can you do that in your life, and with whom?
Marion says that we have to see it’s not the MF doing it to us, it’s we doing it to ourselves, using our own will. Sure They are behind it all, yet we have to focus on ourselves doing it to ourselves, taking full responsibility for it in the moment - in each feeling. As we took it all on from our parents, so we have to get ourselves out of it by wanting to and applying our will to express all our bad feelings and seek their truth. And that really, even as very little children, even right from conception, we can’t actually be forced to do or be a certain way, even though it might look like we are, but in the end it’s our will, we comply, we give in and capitulate and chose to go against ourselves and be as they say. And mostly we do so very willingly because we look to our parents as ‘our way’ and ‘the way for us to follow’, and so want to be as they are. And our fear of death keeps us with our parents, and stops us from just giving in and removing ourselves from them. For if we stayed true to our feelings, like Jesus showed us by staying true to his, we’d be done it very quickly. Yet then we’d be free of them. Free to get new horrible parents in their wrongness - so there’s no way out, unless you can be parented by parents who are doing or have done their Healing. So part of our battle is that we think someone else, our parents or the Mother and Father are making us be the bad way we are, and yet it’s all now our own doing. We are our own controller. So I blame everyone else including God, they are who are causing me to feel bad, not myself - it’s constant inner battle to not blame myself, deflecting my wrongness and not taking responsibility for it. (And yet I still have to blame everyone bringing out those bad feelings while I still have them.) And although we ask for the Mother and Father’s help, often it doesn’t come, or perhaps it does yet in ways we can’t see or understand, so really it’s ourselves who’s help we need to get. Helping ourselves out of the rebellion against ourselves. So we’re taught and believe that’s the right way for us to learn how to use our mind to keep that control over ourselves. Our mind always teaching us how to control ourselves, it not knowing any other way because it wasn’t subjected to another way. So we have to give up and collapse in a heap, looking to ourselves: what is I am doing wrong, instead of: what bad thing are they doing to me. So as we’re doing it all to ourselves, therefor we should be able to undo it all for ourselves - stop doing it all to ourselves.
Marion’s enjoying allowing herself to stand stooped and bent-backed, stomach sticking out, all the ways she wasn’t allowed to be - just naturally as she feels. And she enjoys allowing her face to be free to be as it is, as she feels, rather than not allowing herself to frown to stop wrinkles. Frown and allow the wrinkles to be! She’s letting the pain show on her face, in her body - with her body language, being truly how she is - which is how she feels.
Marion like no structure; I like structure, that being in the truth and way of things. I want to write it all out, format it, paint the picture, know where I stand in it all; Marion doesn’t care, she only needs her feelings. She lives like she’s blind, would even enjoy it she now believes, being so in and attuned to knowing nothing more than her feelings.
She’s also now feeling emotionally mostly good, and it’s her body that is providing her with her bad feelings. I’m feeling more deeply emotionally disturbed, hardly able to move my body.
It’s emotional wellbeing we’re seeking, that being far more important than any mental belief.
Marion is still getting better at saying it all, even saying those parts she’d like me to say, which I still can’t say. And she’s moving through her feelings faster, she doesn’t feel as bad for as long, hardly at all, and often just before bed and they are gone in the morning. And still she’s relishing and perfecting staying true and saying it all. And again thanks to my inability of doing it, she’s feeling bereft in all the millions of ways one feels it in a personal relationship when the other person doesn’t fully connect. She is exploring all that’s wrong in our relationship through her feelings, showing me how I am, all so I can then feel how bad I feel about being so disconnected.
Please Mother and Father help me feel the truth through my feelings.
Marion wants to get rid of all the crap that’s not her - all the wrong beliefs, and have only feelings and right beliefs that have resulted from her experiences.
Marion is being true to how she is - scared of other people. (I’m scared of everyone and everything. She’s not scared of the world and bad things happening to her from it.) And she accepts that the Father wants her to be scared, because that’s how she is. That’s the life He gave her. That’s how He wants her to be. So she’s accepting that, that’s a large part of her Healing and NOT wanting to try and change herself anymore, trying to not be scared because she was made to believe that being scared was wrong. Everyone, including herself, says she shouldn’t be scared of people, and she should be something other than what she is - not scared of them. So each feeling step by step she is stopping trying to not be scared, and accepting each feeling that she is scared. Talking each feeling out and seeing what it is - what she is - letting herself be the horrible yuk thing, feeling as revolting as she feels she is, scared and not happy, always scared in every minute of the day, because she was scared, it’s how it was with her parents. So she’s being true to pain and fear by allowing herself to feel as scared as she feels and not worrying about what will happen - not try and heal herself to not be that way. Just fully accept SHE IS THIS WAY - THIS IS HERSELF. And to be as God wants her to be. And she feels two parts: 1. Feeling better and better about being how she is - so scared of other people. 2. Feeling worse about it all, which is really just the same as she’s always felt so it’s not really worse. It gave her nervous breakdowns pretending she wasn’t scared, trying to be with other people, fitting in and pretending she wasn’t feeling as bad as she was. So now going the other way is a huge relief, she feels so good that she can hide away and not having anything to do with anyone honouring her fear. And expressing all the bad feelings she feels about being that way.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
A woman at the Bush Bank, possibly in her late thirties, said some years ago she’d been through intense therapy that took her deep into her early childhood helping her to see the parts within her that were wrong (she didn’t go into details as we didn’t have the time to discuss them) in her adult life caused from her early life, and that she used some sort of mind reprogramming technique to change the way she felt, thought and saw herself, her family, parents and the world, when deep in therapy, reversing her state of feeling always bad about it and them all, to feeling really good, without having had a problem since; and more importantly, being able to function much better in the world doing a job she loves, and in her personal relationships.
Marion was saying again how people like Alice Miller, and this woman at the BB, are only intent on fixing their problem so they can feel better having a nice and happy successful life, just as most people do by going quickly to the doctor and doing whatever it is to take their bad feelings away. Which we know, however I want to add more things that I’ve recently come to understand about the Healing and how some of my misconceptions about it have gone.
The biggest self-imposed limitation I put on my Healing and The Healing was I thought that as I progressed in expressing all the yuk out of me, bringing to light all my problems, that slowly as part of that progress, I would change for the better. So I’d be making myself feel better, I’d be becoming truer to my true, pure and perfect self, that which would be slowly coming into being as my old yuk denial self faded away, it being ‘transformed’ out of me, and I’d start enjoying life more by having more fulfilling and loving relationships, all reflecting the growing love in me because of the growing truth. And that this would be a natural progression up through the Divine Love mansion worlds, I’d progressively feel I was becoming less evil, sinful and conditionally unloving, and more true, accepting and unconditionally loving. So by the time I was at the upper seventh for example, I’d be feeling so much better about myself, feeling virtually free of all my yuk and having changed a lot into becoming more of my true and loving self. And I was constantly looking for signs, outwardly in my life and within myself, showing me I was on the right track and getting closer to becoming a Celestial and fully healed.
However now I understand that really this outlook and expectation was just the same as what most people have, that I was taking a ‘Healing pill’ and that pill was working, albeit rather slowly, to make me better. And even though my ‘better’ was different to most people who want to become better in the life they already have, my better wanting a whole new Celestial life to open up, still it amounted to about the same thing so far as the process and my expectations were concerned. So now I am realising it’s not like this, it’s not just about getting better and fixing myself up so I can function better in the yuk world or better in the right and true one. And that sure, the ultimate goal is to become true and so better and right and of a different truth to the untruth of our rebellious world, however not to look to or try to achieve or expect that ahead of time, because by looking ahead is not paying attention to what’s happening now.
And although I’ve written this before many times and I’m still proving to myself through my own Healing experiences that which Marion and the spirits have told me, I am becoming more accepting and understanding that my Healing is not so much about ‘healing’ myself as such and how I’ve defined healing and expected my healing to be, but to just keep wanting to uncover and see and live true to myself, which currently still is, living true to my yuk state.
So as I’ve said before, so many people say they want to live true, and some even believe they are, however that’s still true by living honouring all their unloving truth-denying negative patterns. So to truly heal ourselves, we have to live true to all how we are now, which means rigorously honouring and embracing and expressing - being - all our bad feelings, bad beliefs and behaviour and screwed up mind and way of being that makes us feel bad, all the bad stuff we don’t want to know about. So to become true to the Wrongness we’re in. And then, possibly, once we’ve done this, we might come to the end of our Healing and move - transform - into living true to that new true and loving state.
So accepting yet again, that I am of it, it’s what God has made me, and so to not try and keep denying it. To keep trying to bring to light all the bad feelings being so fucked makes me feel, and understanding that my Healing is going to take me into all the places within myself that I feel really, really bad, because they are where I am the most traumatised and I have to see why I am and what happened to me to make me feel so unloved.
So now, were I to do my Healing, I’d be looking to work deeper and deeper, always deeper into my yuk, into my pain, wanting to bring to light all the reasons why - the truth - of such pain. And that my Healing wouldn’t finish until I saw it all and had expressed all the agony I have been feeling, the trauma of when it happened to me, the trauma of living unconsciously with it all these years, the trauma of seeing more of it as I become truer to it. And that I am not wanting all my pain to go away, for it all to end, understanding that it and all my afflictions, difficulties, all how fucked up I am, has to remain with me, I am still them, right the way through to the very end of my Healing, because they all constitute who I am. And although of course in every moment I want it all to end, however also facing and expressing the pain of the reality that it’s not going to end until I have brought to light every last part of it.
So along the way, I have changed, even healed some parts of myself, and I have brought out so much of my repressed bad feelings, yet still most of my anguish remains that I can’t completely change myself and just be rid of it all, that I can’t take matters into my own hands and do whatever to change myself out of the bad when I see that I am bad, into being good, because that’s how it was for me when I was child, I couldn’t do anything about it then either. That I have to remain in and be true to feeling so powerless in my fucked up state until I no longer need to be it, and that I have no idea when that might happen.
I now would divide my Healing ascent of truth as follows, there being roughly three stages (understanding that this summation is still subject to change with my Healing). And to understand that as to how much time each person spends in each world is subject to their Healing and truth needs. Someone might spend years in stage 1 because there are still many other non-Healing things needing to be done and experienced, whereas someone else might move rapidly through it in a year or so because they have already done all those other things. And how long one stays in any stage and how long one’s Healing takes (oh you’re good and not very fucked because your Healing only took five years, whereas you must have been very bad because your healing took twenty-five years) is not a reflection on the person themselves, it’s just how it is for them and what they need:
Stage 1: Covering the equivalent of mansion worlds 1, 2 and 3. Introduction to the Healing, and starting it. A general increasing awareness and education as to what its about and what it might involve. An increase in the acceptance that it needs to be done, together with a growing desire to do it. Becoming more accepting of your bad feelings, and trying to, and with increasing success, go deeper into them. The beginnings of the Truth coming to you as a result of honouring your feelings.
Stage 2: Covering the equivalent of mansion worlds 4, 5 and 6. The guts of the Healing. Bringing to light the masses of deeply repressed feelings and growing in the awareness and truth of why you have them. The deep exploration and scrutiny of every aspect of your life that you can remember with some forgotten memories coming up to help you. Working with your dreams if they are relevant and helpful, working to express every bad feeling you have whilst longing and begging for the Truth. Moving deeper into facing the unloving truth of your relationships with yourself, partner, life and family, particularly your parents. And this stage is in some ways the most gruelling and harrowing part of our Healing (although I think that term is somewhat subjective as all of our Healing is so difficult, all the different phases of it, so perhaps just difficult in different ways), day after day of the relentless onslaught of so many bad feelings surfacing and to be felt and expressed, breaking you down and bringing you to your knees, crushing you time and time again and with no hope, no light on the horizon, no hope of rescue, it all being ground out of you. (For me, this is how I experienced it, because I was so heavily not wanting to face any of it, let alone having to accept and try to express any bad feelings. For Marion, although it’s been excruciatingly hard at times, which has been most of the time, still because she got to the point of knowing it was what she wanted, every moment of her Healing she has wholly and willingly embraced her pain and expressed her bad feeling, knowing that with every bit that comes out of her, that’s a bit less within her.)
Stage 3: Covering the equivalent of mansion world 7. I would like to think this is where I am currently. Most of my repressed bad feelings seem to have come out of me, or they are simply no longer in me, or I am not having to feel them anymore. I’d of course like to think they have come out. I still have moments of feeling the same old shit feelings, yet nothing like how it’s been through the deeper parts of my Healing Years. The main feeling and emotion is anger, feeling still very pissed off for being in the bad state that I am and being unable to heal or change it. Angry with God for keeping me in my unloving state, angry at Them for giving me my fucked life, although this anger is interspersed with an increasing amount of acceptance of that’s how it’s meant to be, I am exactly as God wants me to be and feeling even okay and at times, good about that. Feeling that I am no longer focused so heavily on my parents and all the shit they put me through being angry with them and blaming them for being so uncaring and unloving as I did all the way through Stage 2. They are fading out of the picture, they did what they could only do, it’s now all between myself and God. This phase seems more about seeing and getting more in touch with all the finer details of my negative state, having brought to light the basic patterns and problem on all levels of how fucked I am, now it’s all coming together as one big understanding and knowing that this is how it was for me and this is how I still am. And it’s good, although still very hard, to connect with it all, to see and feel the whole picture of my fucked state, that being the whole picture to date, as there is always the feeling that it’s endless as to how much there is to see and as to how fine a detail I will need to go into it. And through this time I’ve worked on my fantasies and dreams to the point of evolving them to where I can’t do it anymore. Whether it be sexual fantasies, the whole spiritual Avonal thing, and everything else that I have wished for and dreamed about, they’ve all reached a point where I can’t evolve them anymore, because were I somehow able to, then I wouldn’t be myself anymore. So I feel like in a way I’ve outworked my whole fucked state. And those parts I couldn’t actually do in real life, I’ve done in my imagination, taken it all as far as I can. And I’ve also had more of the feeling of it coming to a close, however as to when that might happen is becoming more irrelevant as I better accept that it’s not about it ending as such, it’s still about seeing and connecting with all I am, it all showing me this is who I am, even though I am fucked. And ending my trying to run away and deny it, just being it. True to myself being in my fucked unloving state.
So as my acceptance of my being fucked and unable to do anything about it other than keep expressing all the feelings I can and keep wanting to uncover the truth of them, increases, I find myself waiting, waiting to see how the end will come, should there indeed be an end. I long for final resolution because I want to know if this is indeed our Healing, and if there is an end and we can become Celestial as I’ve written about.
So our Healing is one long bringing to light the whole tragedy and trauma of ourselves. And not fighting it. Our mind wants ultimate control and has been put in the controlling seat, so to break it down and for it to give up its control is long and arduous and yet it’s what has to happen. All so we can get to the point of where we are just our feelings, and just our feelings in our fucked state. So in our feelings of our fucked state we can feel how fucked we are, being absolutely true to those feelings and no longer doing anything to try and hide them, run away from them or prevent them. We have to be the little person we were from conception to the end of our childhood, feeling all the horror done to us and all how it changed and fucked us up, and being fully aware of all the ploys we’ve used against ourselves to pretend we weren’t feeling as bad as we were, that we were loved when we weren’t, bringing to light the full extent of our self-denial and corresponding fantasy life and beliefs that we are all right - when we’re not.
Marion was saying that our first moment at conception is our worst moment. Then the next moment after that is our next worst moment, and so on throughout our childhood. And what we are to bring to light and feel the full extent of the horror of, is that first moment. That is the truth we are looking for, the whole truth of our fucked state being in the Rebellion by Default. So the long hard journey up through the seven mansion worlds as we ‘do our Healing’, is our bringing out into reality so we can see and fully feel, all that was ‘put into us’ at the first moment of conception. At least all that was put into us that was concerned with our starting off and growing up in the Rebellion, as I guess there was a lot more also put into us at our conception, that which we might gradually see through the rest of eternity.
So in a way I guess, our whole life in the Wrongness, including the healing of it, is our real childhood, it’s ourselves coming to understand just what it was all about and how it affected us.
So now I would advise anyone wanting to do their Healing, to understand that it’s about wanting to keep feeling as bad as you can, all so you can keep bringing to light what it’s all been about for you. And to keep going expressing those feelings and longing for the truth of them, without trying to change yourself or do anything about. Just wanting to see and feel and be the whole truth of yourself, which currently whilst you’re fucked and living untrue to yourself, is the whole truth of your unloving anti truth self, that which is a product of the Rebellion and Default.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I want to pass on an ‘update’ about how I now perceive what our Healing is and how it will go. Overall, it’s still the same as I (and the spirits) have said - looking to our feelings for the truth of our self; and so being in an unloving and untrue state, doing our Spiritual Healing (as I’m now tending to call it) to fully connect with that; what it means to us; how it came about for us; and all the intricacies of our relationships and how they reflect the mess we’re in. So our Healing is about first finding the truth of our unloving and untrue state, coming to understand the full extent of that, how it relates to us and how we relate to it, and all how it makes us feel feeling so fucked.
So what I want to add today is more about how I personally have thought my Healing would progress and how I’ve been wrong in that with these last couple of months making me change how I see it.
I started my Healing thinking and then believing that as I brought out all my yuk, I would change, changing for the better, becoming more true, perfect and loving. That it would be like any other normal healing, when we cut ourselves the wound gradually heals diminishing in pain and size until it’s all better perhaps leaving a scar to remind us of the experience and the amazingness that we can heal like that. When we get sick we go to the doctor, do what is needed, take the pills, have the operation, and hopefully we gradually get better. And so I applied this same approach and expectation to my Spiritual Healing. If I bring out all my pain and yuk as Marion told me I had to do, then as the bad comes out and the truth comes with it, so I would gradually change making myself better - healing myself, becoming truer, ending all my pain, changing all my negative self-denying and unloving beliefs and behaviour, positively changing feeling better about better about myself and my life, my relationships, how I conduct myself, my aspirations, perfecting my Natural love, preparing myself for the ‘Big Change’ when the Divine Love wholly transforms my now perfect Natural love soul into being divine, that being the end or at the end of my Healing. So I believed that steadily through all these 23 healing years I would feel those positive changes happening in myself, and not only that, but as all of me would be changing, my compulsions and addictions would progressively end, my relationships would become truer, I would become more loving and be able to receive love, all as I grew in truth, all preparing me to become Celestial, with my being able to feel, sense and perceive that each day I was getting closer to the END of my Healing. However now after all these years, I’ve had to admit, accept and come to understand that my way of seeing how my Healing would go has been incorrect.
So this is now what I understand my Healing has/is about; and perhaps other people have understood this from my writings and it will be of no surprise to them, but I have been a bit dim owing to all my fucked up beliefs which I grew up with and those I’ve added since reading the Padgett Messages, Urantia Book and even from the spirits, all of which has been perhaps my misinterpretation of it. I’m still coming to terms with having my focus shifted, so I apologise if I ramble on repeating myself as I usually do and for writing so much.
Now I would advise someone who is wanting to start their Healing by saying that it is about, seven mansion worlds worth) of uncovering the truth of your rebellious state. So don’t expect yourself to get better or change thinking that as you progress you will work your way out of your wrongness progressively becoming better, truer and more loving, because it’s not about that. It’s all about becoming progressively more aware of how fucked you are, so right the way through your Healing having to stay being fucked, all so you can see the truth of how fucked you are in all the ways you are untrue. So expect to stay fucked right the way to the End of your Healing. Don’t expect to progressively get better or heal yourself like you might expect. That really it is all about only growing in truth, with you needing to stay controlled by your compulsions and addictions all the way along so you can keep using them to move deeper and deeper into the truth of your unloving and untrue state. And that it won’t be until you’ve revealed to yourself the whole truth of your rebelliousness, when you’ve brought out all the bad feelings that will help you see it, that the end will come and your transformation into being true, perfect and all-loving will happen. If you expect through your Healing to gradually decrease your badness as you increase your goodness, you might end up feeling very let down when after years of working on yourself to still feel in many ways just as fucked as before you started.
If you were to draw one of your diagrams, then I have viewed the Healing like a pyramid, we start off with a broad base of fuckedness, with our being wrong and rebellious diminishing as we ascend in truth, and with ourselves feeling better and better about ourselves as we get closer to the apex. But now I see the whole pyramid as a column right the way to the top. And perhaps the column is capped by a small pyramid at the end of our Healing when our transformation does finally occur, however I won’t know until I experience it.
I have spent these past months so pissed off with the Mother and Father about letting me down, doing all this work on myself for all these years when nothing really has changed in me. All that has seemed to change is I’ve become progressively more aware about how fucked I am and how my fuckeness is maintained and how it all started, but what I hoped would be my healing hasn’t happened yet. And being pissed off with Them is of course really being pissed of with my parents for giving me the wrong beliefs that I applied to my Healing. God has not said how it will be, I’ve made all that up. And so now I’m finding out, and like everything else, it’s nothing like I thought it would be.
Marion explained it well the other day by saying what we do heal through our Healing is all that is stopping us see the truth of ourselves - our untrue and false state. And I can relate to this, I have changed in many way, I have brought to light a lot of my beliefs and ways I’m keeping my truth-denial in tact, including having these wrong beliefs about my Healing. And as I’ve seen what I am doing, what is in me that is blocking myself from feeling all my feelings and the truth that will come from them, so many of those blocks have diminished and some have even gone completely, allowing me to feel more clearly just how fucked I am, all my pain, all the hurt, all the misery, fear and anger, all how powerless and such a useless nothing I am and why I’ve had such a nothing life. So my self-awareness, my awareness about my rebelliousness, being so unloving and untrue has certainly increased and continues to do so each day. Yet still all whilst maintaining my addictions, compulsive behaviour, disconnectedness in my relationships and how fucked up my self-expression is. So my body feels more fucked by the day, I can’t stop stuffing the Aldi milk and almond chocolate in by the block, I am feeling more fucked by the day, all the opposite to how I thought I would feel this far into my Healing. So the truer I become to how untrue I am, the worse I feel, which is right because that’s the truth of how wrong I am. I am wanting to uncover the truth of my unloving state, so I have to feel just how unloved I feel. So I have to keep feeling worse and worse because that’s how I felt through my early life and all the way along, I just tried to block it all out. So through my Healing I have progressively been able to feel all my bad feelings more truely, more intensely, connecting more with them as they are myself and my life and not all the false cover up and denial of them. So it’s right, even though it’s still so hard to accept, that the more I progress in my Healing the worse I will feel. I should feel better and better! But it’s not been like that. In some ways I don’t have all the repressed bad feelings in me, the misery, fear and anger has markedly lessened, I don’t spend days and days feeling so miserable as I used to, yet when I do feel miserable, I feel it so much more acutely now being so much more aware of it. And I can connect with the truth of why I’m feeling it much quicker. So I have changed in my relationship with myself, only it’s not been as I was expecting.
And I’ve come to realise, that had my Healing progressed like I believed it would, then as I progressively changed for the better, I’d be better, and so being better I would then not be able to feel my deeper levels of how fucked I am, my new good feelings preventing me from getting into my even deeper bad ones I’m keeping hidden. So had I worked my way up the ‘healing pyramid’, the higher I got the further from the truth of how fucked I really am I would have become. So now I understand why I have to stay in my fucked state right the way to the end - so I can keep connecting with it on ever deeper levels, all so I can understand all the aspects of the truth of it that God and my soul want me, need me, to see.
So as hard as it is, I am now accepting that my Mother and Father gave me a life of unhappiness. That I am to live feeling mostly unhappy, miserable, despairing, powerless, nothing, and fucked off about it all for my whole life, and really forever. And that my so-called Healing, is coming to understand and so accept that. And even though I still hope I will change and end feeling so bad, I have to fully accept that until that time comes, and if it ever does, I am dreadfully unhappy and a sad case of useless pathetic futile humanity. And that I have to keep doing all my compulsions and addictions to keep afloat, to keep living the pathetic fucked way I do, all of which is what God wants – created me to live. So there is no out, no escape, not whilst I’m still in it, for how can there be, as I am it, it is me. So all I can keep doing is working on myself through my feeling acceptance and longing for the truth to keep seeing just how fucked I am, as I had no idea when I was young, just all these horrible feelings I did all I could to block out.
So to face that I will never get ‘better’, that nothing will ever change for the ‘better’ is soul-destroying, it’s too much to bear, that this is my shit life and that’s it for me as I can’t change myself; and god I tried, but I can’t, my Mother and Father have made me so I can’t. So I’m trapped in my pain forevermore, or until They decide to end it. Marion says: why do you keep doing or saying that, why don’t you change yourself, focus on what is wrong and try and keep aware of it and when you do it again then work to find out why you do, bring up those feelings and gradually as they all come out you will change, you will stop doing it. And I have tried her way, but I can’t do that, it’s not me, I didn’t get what she got being able to do that for herself, which is how she approaches her Healing. However the reality I have seen over these years for her is that she can’t change the real deep fucked up stuff within her no matter how much she applies herself or expresses her pain. Nothing seems to change for either of us in our deepest fucked up self, other than getting to know it more, we’re always changing in our understanding of how fucked we are and why and how powerless we are to do anything about it.
So I am changing by coming to accept that I can’t actively make or induce my own change. I can’t do anything other than what Marion said right at the start, just keep trying to express my bad feelings and keep longing for the truth of them. I do this in my pathetic fucked up way, which Marion says is not right and that I haven’t even started my Healing properly, however I can’t do anything else, this is me, this is all I can do, and every day my ‘not doing my Healing as she says’ is helping me see how I can’t change myself, how locked into my shit I am with no way out, and that I have tried to do my best and failed, and that I am not even meant to try anymore, just accept that I am completely powerless to affect any change, and that I am completely reliant on my Mother and Father, it’s all up to Them - how They want me to be. And I’ve been so fucking angry with Them for giving me such a shit life, just as I have been so angry with mum and dad, and yet lately even that anger has been fading off because what is the point, what does it do for me, it doesn’t help me change, it doesn’t make me feel better. But I have had to express it all, raging at them, at Marion, standing up to them like I wasn’t able to when I was young, getting stronger in my expressing those feelings I’m becoming more aware I have, all while understanding that compared to Marion and Samantha the strength of my feelings is very weak, I hardly feel them, they are just a blur most of the time, unlike their’s which are so acute. Accepting that God even fucked up my being able to fully and passionately feeling my feelings, that I am all but feeling-numb, just wanting to hide in my fantasy mind, to watch the movies in my head as I watch the movies on the screen, to escape into a better place in my mind.
So to conclude. For anyone setting out on the phase of life called their Spiritual Healing, to expect that through your feelings you will be worked step by step ever deeper into the pain of your untruth all so you can see that how you are now as an adult is EXACTLY how you were back as a child, and that really you are still the child and nothing has changed. And that it’s not going to change, you will remain being the fucked up unloved child feeling all the bad feelings of being that way right the way through to the end of your Healing. And you have to keep feeling as bad as you do, and so if you don’t already feel as bad as you felt from conception and right the way through every bad part of your childhood, then your Healing will progressively help you re-connect with just how bad you did/do feel. And that you won’t change for better as in feeling like you are ending your shit childhood, letting it go, healing all the pain of it, that you will keep being in and of it because it is you, there is nothing else, no other you, there is only you the child that wasn’t loved as it needed to be loved by your parents. And that you will keep feeling so bad right the way until the end of your Healing. So don’t expect yourself to ‘heal’ as you know healing to be, expect to keep feeling as bad as you do, even worse and worse, all as you keep growing in the truth and awareness of how fucked and wrong you are. And then when you have seen and felt it all, when you know all the truth of your unloving and untrue state, then you can transform into your true and loving self, then all your pain will go, then you will greatly change. But until that End Time when you make the transition in truth into the Celestial levels, keep expecting all your shitty life to remain, all your compulsions and addictions to keep plaguing you, all helping you to feel as powerless as you are, as unloved as you are, as untrue and false as you are.
Our Spiritual Healing is not about, here, take this Healing Pill, working on expressing your feelings and uncovering the truth of them and you’ll get better and all your pain will progressively leave you as you become progressively a better person. No, accept that you are fucked, you will stay fucked, and you will come to see the whole truth of your fucked state, feeling how bad you feel in it, right the way to core of your being. Great fun, yet what else can we do?
One day we all come the realisation that we can’t actually make ourselves feel any better by using our mind. We have tried to do that all our life, but one day it runs out and you can’t do it anymore. And you look back at all you’ve done which you thought was helping you to feel good and change for the better, but it’s all been shit. And then you have to express all those horrible feelings that all you’ve done has been a waste of time, that you are still as fucked as you’ve always been. And then what? If you can’t change yourself using you mind, what the fuck can you do?
And then what you can do is go the other way, to try and uncover the truth of why you can’t use your mind to change yourself. You can do your Spiritual Healing, however that too is not going to be like you expect. You are going to keep feeling as fucked and in the pain that you have always felt, right from the beginning, because you formed in that pain and fuckeness, it is you, it’s how God wanted you to become, and you have to come to terms with that. But that doesn’t mean falling in a heap and giving up, because you won’t be able to do that fully either, we have to keep going, so what we can do, which I assume we all will be able to do, is work with our feelings to bring to light the truth of just how fucked we are.
You are the unhappy and unloved child. Nothing has changed. So we have the choice of living the truth of that. Which means, coming to understand through our feelings, the very feelings we’ve always felt, what it all means to be as you are. The truth of yourself. The truth of your unhappy and unloved self. People say they want to become true, but they jump over becoming true to all the bad untrue stuff. If they do this or that, do their Healing, they will become true. Which is right, only it means become true to how fucked you are and all the pain you feel and have always felt. Getting to know it - yourself; connecting with every part of it - yourself. Going into your hell, into your darkness, and being it, being immersed in it until it becomes light. Until what was your darkness you know so well, feel fully connected with, that there is no longer any hidden dark places you refuse to face and see. And when we’ve come to terms with the hell that we are, then hopefully our Mother and Father will change us into becoming truly true and loving.
And to end: here’s an example of how much fun it all is. I grow up in relationships with people that I believe I love, when in fact the truth is, I hate them all. The hate coming through my Healing as my feelings lead me to it, that which I wasn’t allowed to express when I was with them.
So being with people I hate, and believing they are good for me, is part of my negative pattern.
So I marry a woman wanting to be with her, because also as part of my negative pattern I have to be with someone, believing that I love and like her when really I hate her. Really I detest and can’t bear how she is and all the things she goes on about and what she’s interested in. I have to be with her, hating her just as I had to be with my parents hating them. It’s just how it is, how I am, and I can’t be any other way.
And so I was told we are soulmates, so good luck with that. I am with my soulmate that I hate. However, perhaps that is part of living the ultimate truth of feeling unloved, so perhaps it might even be right. And if it is, it shows me just how removed from the truth I am, that we all are - which also is right, because we are very far removed from the Truth due to the Rebellion.
And part of my Healing, coming to understand and accept the truth of my unloving state, is realising this about my relationship with Marion, mum and dad and the others in my family. So Marion and I remain together, hating each other, all so we can keep helping each other in our different ways with our Healing. And when I say hate, that’s harsh, when we are going for it yelling and cursing each other slinging all our shit at each other, yes we hate each other, but that is not that often, only during the crunch, pressure times. Mostly we accept and are okay with each other, even liking each other every now and again; yet still overall, growing in the awareness and understanding that really we share little in common other than the truth that we don’t love each other and our lives are fucked, separately and together, and that there’s no point, and we can’t leave each other – another part of our fucked state. And then to take it even further, well really I’m not with Marion, I’m still with mum and dad; just as she is not really with me, she is still with her mother and father. So our hatred of each other is really still a projection of our hatred of our parents onto each other. And what we might really feel about each other, were each of us true and were we able to truly relate to one another, we don’t know, and won’t know until we finish our Healing and if we still want to be together then.
The Rebellion is a complete fuck up. We are complete fuckups. I am a complete fuck up. All of which our Mother and Father want us to see and come to know through living it. They have fucked us up so we can know the truth of what it’s like to feel so unloved and to live being so untrue and against ourselves. And possibly one day we’ll thank Them for giving us such an extreme experience. And until that day comes, if you hate Them too, then hate Them with the full intensity of such hate for giving you such a shit life.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!