Post by samantha9 on May 22, 2015 9:50:11 GMT 10
My healing is constant and I am now very aware of every aspect of my life is for me to feel to heal. This includes my sleep state too and my dreams are very intense and I make a point of asking Mother and Father to help me heal in my sleep and I also ask them to help me to remember my dreams when I wake and most mornings I wake with the feelings from my dreams and I write them down, everything I have felt. One particular dream this week was very scary for me and touched on a feeling I have been in a lot of denial about but it is now time to face my fear of this particular feeling.
My dream was so incredibly real as they seem to be now. I was sitting in a huge white auditorium, like a Amphitheatre, and I was one of many others all dressed in white. This was some kind of sacred ceremony I was watching and as I was sitting there I was feeling very trapped and nervous, looking for the exits but couldn't move. The Elder of this sacred ceremony turned to my direction and summoned me to come and sit with him, so I did. He stood behind me and placed a huge skull of a Ram on my head and it had huge curled horns, I can remember how heavy it was and I had to hold it off my head because of the unbearable weight on me. As I sat there I began to feel fear and terror rise within me, I was feeling every tiny change that was happening in my body, I could feel every cell in me, explode, it was all so strange. I was aware of everyone watching me and trying to keep it together when the truth was I was in terror but was trying so hard to hide and deny it in fear of humiliation and what people would think of me. I was in total resistance to my feelings and the dream was showing me how I fought against feeling them and the pain that has caused me. It brought back to me the terror and fear that I went through any time I was in a spiritual initiation, such as my Reiki attunments, meditation groups I just couldn't go through with them without having Panic attacks that totally controlled me and ruined everything for me and everyone else in attendance and this was my fear in the dream, that I would go into a major attack and ruin it for all watching, they would think I was a freak, mental, out of control which has been the feelings I have fought against feeling and showing but my dream told me it is now time to face this and go back to how it all felt and the dream made it all very real for me again, I relived the terror and humiliation of having everyone watch me in utter silence in that auditorium. It felt awful. I have wanted to keep this part of me in the dark, away from anyone knowing or seeing the truth of my weakness, my tiny, shrivelled up fearful self, the truth. The pain of being on show in front of all those people was excruciating for me, I just wanted to die, literally die rather than have everyone see the truth of me, exposed. My panic and terror is the fear that the truth will be exposed that I am weak, scared, damaged, and living without trust or love, living a façade that I want everyone to believe and to maintain that lie is what this dream is showing me, the terror and pain I have experienced to save me from humiliation of the truth being seen, showing my fear and weakness to others, letting the truth be known in an exhibition of shaking, passing out, crying, screaming, any way my fear wants to express itself infront of others, I have invested so much energy in the façade so no one ever saw the truth.
The weight of the Rams skull was a weight I couldn't bear, it was to much for me as was the weight of the denial I was living. In the dream I was holding the skull above my head so not to bear the weight as it would crush me just as the weight of my emotions and denied feelings were doing, killing me so I had to keep them at a distance by denial. It was all so amazing to understand the message of this dream and to see the Rams skull as the evil, my denied feelings, that I was trying to hold back but barely could, only a matter of time before it crushed me.
I stopped doing any meditation groups or any other attunments because it was pure dread for me, I couldn't cope with the awful feelings which the dream reminded me of but wants me to feel to heal. I feared any spiritual gatherings because my fear had me in its control and I couldn't bear having a panic attack in front of everyone, all to humiliating and it is that humiliation I have had to work on and just how much I have invested in worrying about what others think of me. All going back to those words "Be strong Sam" from my parents, don't show the cracks, even when Harry died I still heard it from them, "Your a strong woman" when actually it is the opposite and what I am and wanted to be was the weak child, its the truth but they couldn't cope with it. The façade has always been "I have to be strong" but the truth has always been "I am not, I am weak" and now I drop that, I can be weak and stop holding that Rams skull above my head in fear of it caving me in, I can and am weak, I have never been strong, it was all a lie to make everyone feel better and not worry about me, like my parents had done a good job on me producing a strong woman, pat themselves on the backs whilst I was crumbling.
I am still Feeling my way through this and will be for some time as well as every other feeling that comes in an ordinary day making it all extraordinary. I feel that my whole life is now being shown in its truth and it has all been so wrong, everything I did was all like going the wrong way and all needs rewinding and playing back to me to show me where i went so wrong and that what I do now is the consequence of what I did then, I just have to feel and open up to it, all through my feelings, that its all been wrong but all so right in my learning about love from my anti love state, all as Mother and Father want it for me.
Sometimes it is all so much, day and night and I felt this week that there is so much to heal, I felt hopeless and drowning in it all, I felt like a lost cause with no hope and with no end to my healing and the intensity. I cried at the hopelessness I felt and at the tiny instances that keep being brought up in me to heal, so tiny some of them but still producing a feeling so still just as huge as the major events that have happened to me, I felt swamped under and overwhelmed at the speed I am receiving memories of pain to heal and I have to do it there and then, while I am in the feeling of it. It has felt relentless but I asked God for it and I am receiving.