In response to "I am not love, I am not Loving; etc"

Sam I love all you say, especially how you don't shy away from any of the hard stuff, plunging head first into it.

In response to your most recent post James about Marion and yourself and how Marion is staying true to every feeling even if it means dying. I am totally inspired by you both and your living this "New Way" You both have my complete support in all you are doing in living this new experience of truth, living true to all you feel even if it means dying, it is Marions Will and the complete truth that she is living and experiencing all through her feelings. I support and thank you both my Sister and Brother in Truth. All my love Sam xx

I have spent the last two days in Bed, totally neglecting everything including myself, its all to hard, its all to painful.

I have been full of pain and hopelessness and not feeling there is any point to anything, everything I do I find pointless. I have nothing left in my life to enjoy as everything I have done in my life I now see as being denial of feeling, everything is just a distraction because I don't want to feel my feelings so I do things to keep me from them. I cant see what is on the other side of this hopelessness but I know that all I can do is to keep on feeling as bad as I need to feel in every moment, there are no more plans and nothing else I can do but to feel. A huge ending has come to my life.

I got up today and looked at myself and I looked so bad, so rough, my eyes are red and puffy as I haven't stopped crying for two days and the thing is I cant stop, I move and just start crying uncontrollably. The kids speak to me and I just cry and they understand what is going on and leave me to cry. I have never felt so empty and sad.

I feel the deepest pain inside me and such repentance about the life I have led and the things I have done that have hurt me and others, all I keep saying is "Please God Forgive me". "Please God help me to feel all I need to get to the truth". I have had the worst physical pain too and have found it so hard to heal and express it all but I have done it and the physical pain I had was a pain so severe to the right of my Belly Button, it felt like my belly button was being cut out so I asked God to help me know what this was about. I was instantly answered by a feeling so strong which was the severing of the umbilical cord to my Father, it all made sense being so painful on the right hand side. I couldn't even stand up the pain was so bad so I stayed in the Foetal position and felt the pain fully, crying like a child, as I felt like a child through out this pain.

This pain was the severing from my Dad, the cord had been cut and I was feeling all of his feelings towards me whilst I was in the womb and it was terrifying to feel, totally unwanted and then to feel the guilt of my Mum at having an unwanted child because they couldn't afford it, Money was put before me so now I also understand my hate of money and my fear of it which makes sense why I never had any.

I am up today and fairly pain free but exhausted emotionally, I have expressed so much to God and asked God to help me reach the truth of my pain and to help me cry, to really feel the pain and cry it out and God always answers me, before I know it tears are falling and I am releasing my childhood emotions. I don't feel I belong anywhere or to anyone, I don't feel connected to anyone or anything it is just me having to slog it out.

Hi James

My kids have learnt that through grief and the expressing of it, we can heal. They went through it all with me and grieved with me when Harry died and they know how better it feels after you have had a good cry and emptied out. We did it privately and together and allowed each other the space to do that.

On this occasion my children were out for most of it so it allowed me to really scream and shout and cry to the fullest, they are now 16 and 22 and have known for a long time how I heal. They would ask me at a younger age what I am writing all the time and I told them both that sometimes I write and sometimes I cry when I need to get my emotions out of me because they make me sick if they stay inside me, crying and writing is my medicine where other Mums take pills and medicine, I want to heal myself through my feelings and sometimes that means crying it out of me. I have had to explain it all the way so they are not scared of emotions or scared of seeing me upset. I was very scared of seeing my Mum cry, to me it meant devastation and I was in such pain to see her in such pain and not know why so I try to keep my two understanding all the way along what I am doing and be open about it all, as much as they need to know when my feelings pop up.

My Son doesn't want to know so much any more as he knows what I am doing and why, he went through a time just recently where his Dad came round to get him to take him to see his Nan and my son told him "No" he didn't want to do it any more it is to depressing for him to go and sit with her and him. He had been agonising about it for a while and one day he just said it and it all came out that in fact he never wanted to see any of them again including his Dad. His Dad was very shocked about this and went off fuming then rang me up to say was this true. I told him that if it was Alex's will and he didn't feel drawn to see any of you again then I honour his decision and so must he. A couple of weeks later he turned up again, as usual, out of the blue, asking Alex why? Alex told him everything and I just listened in the lounge, he wouldn't let him in the house, Alex was my hero in that moment, he said everything to his Dad that I needed to say to mine, he had shown me the way and I told him that to. I told him how courageous he was to have done that, so brave and incredible because it is such a hard thing to do to tell your parents the truth like that. His Dad rings him and me in still, disbelief that he has said the things he has said but Alex stands by his decision and feels so much freer for having said it. Alex did have to deal with pain and grief though and the feelings that he had hurt his Dad so much and those were all the fears I was fearing with my own dad. Alex understood why I was so full of emotion about my Dad and the confrontation and cutting the cord with him because he had been through it all first but I grieved it more thoroughly and showed him that it is ok to cry and scream about it. Alex is very sensitive and easily keeps his emotions hidden but once I start talking about mine he shares in his feelings to and we get to a lot of conclusions but he also has a lot of anger that he is very resistant to feeling and wont accept my help with so I don't try unless he projects it at me or Faye or anyone else, then he is causing pain to others with it which is very unloving and I have to point that out to him.

Fay is very open with me and shares all her feelings and they both say to me that they love having me as a Mum because I am not like the other Mums, I like that because sometimes I don't know, I don't see anyone to know the difference, no one comes near me any more, all my friends have gone so when they say that I know there is some sort of difference. They know I am all about feelings and how they are my medicine for the soul. Sometimes they take it sometimes they leave it and they know I leave it to them to come to me and express how they feel or not, they have full control over what they do as I never had, they both show me how amazing they are every day for the decisions they have made without me interfering, I want them to do that, its not my life. They are both learning the compensation of making a bad choice and not being able to blame me.

When I was in Bed this week they both came in periodically to sit on the bed and ask me if I was ok and we talked about what I was expressing and they both understood having both lost their Dads. My son came in and said "Mum are you ill, you were in bed when I left this morning" I told him that I was not ill but full of emotions I had to release so I have stayed in bed to do it. He just told me about his day and shut the door, later on I got up to go and be with them and they laughed at how awful I looked with me big puffy red eyes, we all laughed together and I felt very able to do that, laugh, because I had freed myself of so much pain and I was so determined to do it and get it out of me, I don't want that bad stuff inside me any more, festering and making me ill so I go straight to my feelings.

My children don't always want to know but they do know that there is nothing bad or scary about crying and feeling your emotions and sometimes they chose to do it and sometimes they don't, it is always their choice but they are seeing it in action all the time with me and they know that it is a good thing even if they don't want to do it now, one day they may want to and will know how and why. I have told them how I know that I have been the cause of a lot of their problems and I have cried with them for what I have done and have said how sorry I am to have implanted within them such pain and passed it on to them like a genetic disease. I have told them that they can express to me the pain they feel I have caused them as it would help us all but they don't so when I see it I bring it up that I was the cause of that in them and I explain what I mean and they get it. Its all very open with us now, as open as they want it to be and I feel that we are all very equal.

Thank you again Sam, it’s good to hear how you are with your children, how they are with you and within themselves in the world. All so different from how it was for me, I can’t imagine having such support and freedom and being with someone - a parent - who actually cared and shared their thoughts and feelings with me. What you’ve said helps me see even more clearly how dysfunctional and bad my early life was. Incredibly so, still every day I’m waking up to how bad it was for me, and how deluded I was in thinking I was okay. It’s been one long eye-opening self-revelation.

One thing however that I seem to have mixed up somewhere along the line, I thought for some reason you had a six year-old daughter too. I must have misread one of your earlier posts. But you don’t, do you - just so I know I’m losing the plot more than I already feel I am.

Yes Sam, I can relate to all you felt, and to being the child with the unloving father. Run away?, god I spend most of my day running away from the world, even Marion, and also, as I’m uncovering recently - myself. I’m running away from they who treated me so badly, they who are still ‘in’ me, and daily as Marion and I work through more of my stuff I’m peeling back the layers revealing just how scared and unloved with them I felt all the time.

In my childhood I’ve been able to see that I didn’t have anyone as the outside ‘witness’ that Alice Miller talks about, someone else who was able to say, and did say, that’s not right for you, it’s not right how you’re being treated, your parents are wrong there. I didn’t have an alternative example of good and loving parenting. Marion had her loving Granny, she had her cousins and other outsiders that were so different from her parents that she could see how wrong her parents where. But I didn’t have any such influences living so cocooned in my insular family. So I grew up believing all I had was right, and the best, as they said it was. So when I heard children crying they were always the bad one for disturbing the adults, they should shut up and stop making that horrible noise. I was always them against me the annoying child. No sympathy for the child that’s obviously crying for a reason - and what could that reason possibly be?, that it’s actually feeling bad, feeling hurt, unloved, upset and all being caused BY ITS PARENTS. So I don’t have any sympathy for myself as the child, and so no sympathy for anyone else.

It’s taking me so long to come back and be on my side, to stop being my parents and going against myself for being the nuisance and disturbing everyone. Now at least when I hear the child crying I am on its side hating its parent, and also feeling sorry for the parent for not knowing what it’s doing to its own child, how it’s not being loving when probably it believes it is and does love its child. My parents believed they loved me, and yet I don’t feel loved one bit by them. And all the so-called love I did believe I felt has gone through my healing years leaving me with the truth, which is what I feel. And I know my feelings are real and true because I’m not making it up that I don’t feel loved by them, the love is simply not there; for I also know that if it were then I’d feel loved, and that love wouldn’t be dinted or threatened or disappear because it wasn’t real love. Marion’s love for her Granny and the love she felt from her has withstood all her healing years, she’s tried at times to bash it down but it’s remained, so it’s true, unlike how my love for my parents has been.

I think you’re right about wanting to blank out the pain so we don’t remember. I know it’s talked about a lot and all you say Sam about Alzheimers I can relate to, it all makes perfect sense.

Lately - have I ever said that before - I’ve been waking up more to understanding the severity of my denial. And I know I’ve said that before too, but it just keeps happening. And now I’m seeing that it’s so acute in everything I do, that in every part of myself I am wrong. It’s so easy to write such things but they don’t do the feelings I’m feeling justice. However I can’t put it any other way.

Today Marion is 65, she thought she’d be dead by 35, and this morning having talked through last nights dreams I finally, again after all these years and all the painstaking work I’ve done on myself, realised fully the connection with Gran and my fear. You know it’s simply incredible how indoctrinated we are with our early life, how it is all we are. For me Gran (my mother’s mother) was the good one, she was stable, kind and caring (so I believed), and she took more notice of me than mum who was scary and volatile and always frightening the shit out me. So Gran was my safe haven, and even though when I was with her she kept saying how scary the world was, how scary my mother is, how she’s always just on the verge of a nervous breakdown and she should do something to calm herself down - to “take stock” of herself and her life and stop carrying on, all scary stuff, she still overall made me believe she wasn’t like that, she was the sensible peaceful one. So mum was the scary one but not Gran, she was my protector from all that was scary. And yet this morning, finally I came to see that in fact it was Gran who scared me far more than mum, that she really is the arch Evil One, and had I been left with mum and not had Gran in there against her, I’d probably been able to deal with mum not being so scared of her. So everything suddenly turned around and now Gran is far worse than mum, and it answered the questioned I’d always had: why was mum so nervous and so full of fear - where did she get all that from when Gran seemed so not scary? But the truth was staring me in the face, yet I refused to see it because I didn’t want to see Gran in her true light because then what would happen to my safe haven? Yet the one who said she liked me more than anyone and would look after me is suddenly the more insidious evil one, far more controlling that mum. So I could see how Gran for me now is really like I see Mrs Lucifer, the hidden woman behind the man, Gran always put the men first, ‘your grandfather and father James are very good men...’, and they always put Gran and my mother first telling me to do as they say for they know what is right. Yet it is really Mrs Lucifer, the one we don’t even know about that controlled the whole Rebellion. And then comes hidden Mrs Satan - mum, so I’ve been subjected to the two levels of the Rebellion and Default, seeming to have two mothers.
    So finally I see the source of my fear, Gran through to mum, Gran of course making mum so scared as she was growing up, and all with Gran putting on this calm protective and ‘loving’ outer persona. I feel like I’ve finally got there, the great mystery having been revealed. And now I feel all my fear stems from my family, nothing from the outside world because nothing bad happened from the outside world, with even the half-brick in my face thrown by the boy at kinda being really attributable to them, for they were always hitting me emotionally, mentally and spiritually in the face.

And in relation to what you’ve been going through Sam concerning your forgetfulness, I blocked out all I could, it having to be the only way I could survive and retain any level of sanity. It’s such a funny thing, like all the ideas and beliefs I’ve had about myself, they all turning out to be false and the wrong way round; I used to pride myself on being aware and up there always remembering, being on the case, not forgetting anything, and yet all though my healing my actions as Marion keeps pointing out and which I have to face and admit to, show I block out and forget almost everything. We will have a conversation about something, and in my mind I get it, I answer her, yes, I agree we will do this or I will do that. Then not even ten minutes later I will do the very opposite, and when she points it out and we work laboriously through what went on in my mind, I’ve slowly over the years been able to see how I’ve altered the reality, ending up completely forgetting our conversation, changing it around to suit myself, and then fervently, being prepared to die for it, believe that my new way of seeing it is right, and that Marion is wrong and an idiot and making it up and playing some of cruel joke on me by telling me how I see things is not how she says they were.
    So I can do that in a flash, let alone over many years, so it’s been such a struggle to work out what really did go on back in my early life when I’ve blanked out so much, changed so much, even to the point of believing dreams that I’ve had have actually been the waking reality I lived. Talk about confused!
    And as I’ve mentioned, my brain has been going through some very strange things these past eight months. My head feels like it’s going to explode when I get emotionally stressed. And I can’t remember anything, only the spiritual stuff funnily enough. I will take the shopping list Marion writes out, specifically with her wanting me to look for something she wants, saying yes, yes and I put it where I will remember to see it and remind myself because I know I’m forgetful, and then when I get home and she asks about that thing - it’s: what thing? No, I didn’t even remember to look at the shopping list even though I held it in my hand all the way through the shopping, just going on memory - ha, ha, talk about selective - and getting the usual things we get.
    And of late I’ve been able to see that it’s all my blanking them out. I project them onto Marion all the time, so she is them, and so I’m blanking her out as I blanked them out. And the truth is I hate them, I’m so scared of them, they are last people I want to do anything for, so I am NEVER going to look for the thing they want at the supermarket, so I forget all about it. They can give me all the lists, all the reminders, but I am NEVER going to do it. But I could never say any of that to them, I never even knew I was like that until just recently and because of all the work I’ve done on myself to see what’s really going on within me.
    So I hated being with them, I loathed their reality, it scared the shit out of me constantly, I’m a nervous wreck always expecting all the worst things to occur. The gas is making a popping noise so I’m scared it’s going to explode; the car is making a strange noise so it too is going to explode, all the slightest noises that are not meant to be there are going to turn into catastrophes, all because mum made so much noise which Gran hated and said terrible things would happen because of.
    So how does one live in such a fearful world? So the only way we can do it is blank it out. I hardly remember anything about my early life, years of my childhood I’ve blanked out - why? There is nothing good and loving to remember so I don’t remember anything because who wants to remember all the bad shit; I’m already feeling so bad, so I don’t want to make myself feel worse particularly when everything is about not feeling bad and trying to only feel good.
And my hatred is so deep and so unconscious, all because they put the nice veneer over everything, so I have to keep it blocked out. So like these Alzheimer people, blank it all out, because as you get older it’s harder to keep it all under control, and as you’re not allowed to let it out - to show any cracks, blank it all out once and for all, be how you’ve always been, completely shut off from the true reality, all to the state of not even having a functioning mind. Kill it all as you’ve killed yourself - as you’ve killed all your feelings, it’s the only thing you can do because you’re sure not allowed to bring it all up. And then you get those people who seemed to have been nice all their lives but the ‘disease’ turns them into some vile monster spouting out all the venomous hatred that seems so out of character and no one understands; but what really is it? - it’s the truth that that person is no longer able to contain. It’s how they’ve always felt but didn’t allow themselves to express, but it’s all there, it doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. And people can say the person is possessed, and people doing their ‘healing’ can blame such bad feelings on evil spirits making them suddenly say all the horrid dark stuff, but it’s still all the truth and really what is in them, even if it is such spirits because she spirits wouldn’t be able to connect with that person if they weren’t already that way - again the Law of Attraction as you mentioned, which I really liked by the way, how you applied it to yourself.
    And I too have had to deal with the fear of what if I do lose my mind, what if I go gaga start drooling out one side of my face, what if... all the horrible things that happen to people; and so more bad feelings and more truth. And in the end it all comes to an acceptance of, oh well, if that’s how it’s to be, there’s not much I can do about it anyway. And as you are saying Sam, it will all be for my own good, even if it does seem so horrendously bad, and as long as I can keep expressing how I feel I will, and if I can’t then I won’t be able to, and will have to wait until spirit to continue.

And to finish off, not saying this is like how it is for you Sam, but often I have a fog that seems to descend - but in fact comes up inside me - when it all gets too much, too many feelings all conflicting, too many bad emotions, and it starts to shut me down. I can’t keep my eyes open, and often I have to lie down or dose off on the couch. And I’ve worked through my having to have my afternoon sleep at kinda and at home with mum putting me to bed to have some peace; and then it’s also my blanking out the pain, all the bad stuff, it getting too overwhelming and too scary and so I’m going into life protection mode, phasing out and fading off, so losing my faculties, starting to die, all of which is the state I was in so often under mums onslaught, all of which I have no clear memory of because I’m blanking out - fading away, so what is there to remember, it’s just a fog.
    And so having been made to live in such an altered state of fear, separated from myself and my feelings, separated from reality, shut off, blanked out, half-dead, a waking zombie; but also with me fully awake and so I wrongly believe, present, in my mind, but as I’ve come to understand, it’s all just a fantasy I’m making up and living - seeing the world through. So I am disconnected from my true self, my feelings, off in na-na land thinking about all my great concepts like being an Avonal, and really I’m just a body functioning on automatic with Marion, which is still really just as I was, as I’ve always been, as they made me be.
    So the sad truth is, which is so painful to accept, that I’ve never left them, I am still bound to them, and still living as I lived with them. All I’ve done with Marion is see the truth of it all, so I can be it being aware of it, but as yet I’ve not actually been able to end it, change some minor bits of it, yes, but not change the bigger stuff. So it’s as if I am bound to the stake with the swords through me, when I believed I was freely walking around, and slowly I’m waking up becoming conscious of my bound up state, having to accept that is the truth and that I’m not free. And how being bound up makes me feel - all the millions of terrible feelings I feel all of which I’ve had to keep hidden away so I can use my mind to believe that I am freely walking around having a good life.



Sam in talking your post over with Marion she was saying that once within yourself you decide that you want to be true, it being a knowing that you are false and untrue and you no longer want to be that way, having got to the end with your life going nowhere as you’re banging your head on the dead-end, then you step over the line, and your healing has begun. And once you’re over the line you can’t go back, even if you feel or believe you have stopped it or are made to stop such as your fears about God making you lose your mind so you can’t go on. She reckons that’s not going to happen, but all your fears are real and need attention as you are doing. And that you obviously feel there is some greater force that won’t let you be how you want to be, and no matter what you want to do, too bad, you’re not going to be allowed to do what you know will make you feel better and good. And so to keep staying true to all the bad feeling, feeling so powerless, scared, unable to do and have want you want, unable to make your life be how you want to be, and all the rest of your bad feelings, with your mind coming in and saying its bits, yet all the while still attending to all your feelings. And this is what you’re doing, but I don’t think it does any harm repeating the same thing over and over again as it’s we - I - need to keep hearing for it’s got a lot of resistance it has to sink past.

And she helped me to realise that there is obviously a finite amount to our rebellion. We are to go, and can only go, a specific amount into the darkness. And so our evilness will get to its end, it will reach a conclusion. And that there is an end of it, that end coming when we decide that we no longer want to go that way, we no longer want to be false, unloving, untrue, evil, wrong, negative and all the rest, that we’ve had enough, it’s not making us feel good as we deludedly believed it would, and so we want to go the other way, the way of being true, and so start our healing, the healing of our evilness. And that there are only two ways we can live life: either being as we’ve been brought up to be, bad, wrong, evil and unloving; or to be good, right, true and loving, there is no inbetween, no third way, no no-mans land; so even if something were to happen to make you think you couldn’t keep going with your healing, the truth is you’ve crossed over the line and so you can’t stop, you can’t even go back and be as you were in your evilness, it’s either one way or the other. I had thought people might be able to start their healing and take time out, or even stop it and slowly resort back to being how they were, but now I think Marion is right, that there is no going back. You are evil until you get to the end of being evil, then you are starting to come right - doing your healing, until you are perfect, and then will keep going until you get to the end of being perfect - and is there an end to perfection? I don’t think so, but I do know there is an end to being evil because the ultimate end is ceasing to be, and what’s the good of that? What would be the good if Lucifer managed to convert all these people and spirits to his cause, they all agreed with him and set out to be as evil as they can, only to come to the end of it and extinguish themselves, cease to be, be as no-love as one could be. Then he’d lose his troops, it’s self-defeating, which is how we know it’s wrong, because it makes us feel so bad, because being extinguished doesn’t involve good feelings, you don’t want to go that way.

And rightly so Sam, as you’ve said, so the overbearing force (that being your parents) stopped you from being how you wanted to be, and all the fears and bad feelings you feel, no matter where they come from, even if they seem to come about because of outside influences, are all still registering with you because they are in you, you’ve already felt them, your parents made you feel them, as that’s how you know what they feel like, how you know they are real for you, and so they can be embraced again having forgotten about them, and their truth uncovered, which is of course what you’re doing.

And to really finish off, people who are doing some of their so-called healing yet have not actually understood they are untrue and have not as yet fully decided to be true, are only looking to fix some of their problems, like going to the doctor to get rid of the immediate problem that’s causing them difficulty, all so they can get on better in their evil life. So the Divine Love people and those people with AJ, and people doing their healing in the New Age, seeking professional help, and so on, it’s all the same, they have some problem they want to fix - heal, and if they can, then they believe they’ll be better as they are, a better person, so more loving or whatever, but still it’s all within the negative, so better at being their evil self. So they are really working on ‘healing’ themselves so as to perfect their wrongness, so as to be the most perfect evil person they can be. But that will not do them any good in the long run, as all those high sixth world mind spirits eventually come to realise about themselves, because all they are doing is pushing their evilness to its fullest, which means they end up facing annihilation. So our true healing is truly wanting to be true, to end being untrue, which we know, but it is really as simple as that.

Hi Sam, I cringe thinking about your daughters friends sticking the knife in, having had it stuck in me so much, it sure has made me fear women. And we men are similar of course in our ways, but it all puts the wind up me. I hate all how we are - all how I am. And these people will become mothers and fathers, and yet they’ve come from mothers and father that have taught them to be how they are... yukkkkkkk.

Marion and I were talking about what you said about your friend and you being nice yet realising you hate how she is, and Marion was saying a lot of things about how we are to be truly caring, and so I’ll try and write some of them. I hope I can convey what she said properly, I’ll probably get it all wrong, but anyway, using someone in need and being there to help them as an example, I’ll see if I can write some of what she said.

To be truly caring we need to be unconditional, which means, completely willing to accept the other person as they are. So never telling them how to be or what to do, never controlling them, just being there as a friend and comfort, wanting to hear whatever it is they want to say, which should be all they feel about themselves and everything.
    It’s wanting to know the other person, without judgement, wanting to know them as they are. So taking them as they are, not trying to change or interfere with them, no matter what age, young or old, no matter whether they are doing their healing or not.
    I have no idea about how you do this, I am the very opposite, not wanting to know anyone, not even myself, which I’ve been having to accept as this truth comes to light. They didn’t allow me to get to know them, they stopped me from getting to know myself, and didn’t want to know me, so I rejected the whole wanting to know the other person thing, which all amounts to wanting to know and accept and express all ones feelings. So I rejected all my feeling-expression, blocking out the other person. Any feeling rejection is a rejection of the person, so if reject your own feelings then you’re rejecting yourself. And if you are rejecting yourself you can’t truly accept anyone else’s feelings, so you can’t truly accept them. So you can’t have a true, genuine and loving relationship.
    And so all the so-called care that so many people do, myself included, which basically means paying lip-service and doing a few practical things, whilst trying to organise the other person, is not being truly sympathetic.
Marion reckons you’d go along and listen. To listen and be involved if you can with what you’re hearing, so expressing feelings you feel if it’s appropriate, this all being a generalisation. It’s all second nature to her, I struggle to understand any of it. I’m not a good listener, I want to hear too much of myself, yet it’s all my ego bluster.
    So to be with another person without any agenda, and that’s the hard part, because like you said about those young girls, we’re full of agenda’s trying to work our wills this way and that all so we can get what want. Personally I think that unless you’ve completely healed yourself then you’re still going to be working a number on yourself and the world, it all being part of what living in our wrong will states is. There might some people who are better listeners and more sympathetic and with fewer agendas but I think they are few and far between.

I don’t know if any of this applies to you Sam, and I’m not writing it specifically for you as to how you should approach your friend - god forbid, but I hope my controlling needs in that area, in telling you what you should do, are long buried. No, I’m writing it generally and loosely based on what you said because really it does concern us all as it’s how we are to be together with each other: what is and how do you live, real unconditional love and complete acceptance of oneself and another person; and how would one be living in such a true state?

Please Sam, I’d like to hear your thoughts and feelings about how you see such things - how we are to be truly with another person.

As hard as it is, all you’ve said sounds perfect Sam. I can relate to it all, so much is similar to what Marion has said about herself also being only fit for the Hells. Over the years she’s expressed so much fear that that is what awaits her, that she’s so bad that she will go to the Hells and never come out. And that is where resides now within herself. (But I will add, that of late that has all gone, she has expressed all such negativity and self-hate out of herself.)

And it is such a huge shock to see the truth of yourself. It’s so bad, and we have no idea. But it’s so good you are daring and allowing yourself to see it. And it is incredible how it comes, you can’t and know you’re not making it up - and why would you want to anyway, so it is real and true and what you truly feel. So to have stripped back the ‘nice’ person to be faced with the horrible monster person, is why no one wants to really push deep into their healing, because that’s what you’re going to be faced with, because we’re all of it, we’re all monsters pretending we are nice and acceptable, we’re all evil for god-sake, and evil is evil, it’s not some nice pretty loving acceptable person who is unconditional, it’s all the worst of the worst.

And it does shatter your ego persona, the good psyche you’ve built up to survive in the world, because as you’re seeing and feeling Sam, it’s not real. This is where it really gets serious, it is real, and it’s not to be taken lightly. It’s the whole foundation of wrongness you’re unhinging and feeling so lost without its familiarity. It’s marvellous really Sam, wonderful that you can tear away what is really rotten and the monster - all the niceness, leaving the exposed true person who believes she is rotten and evil when really you’re not. It’s all a scam forced on us. So you being more true to your yuk, going to see your friend knowing you hate how she is, is far more real and true than the other way round. It’s not being false and is far closer to being truly unconditional. You feel hatred and bad feelings about her, that is you, irrespective of whether or not it’s the real and true you or right and wrong to feel such feelings. So being unconditional starts with unconditionally accepting these bad feelings about yourself. And although you think you should burn in Hell for being that way, you are that way, and even God has made you that way, so all you can do is keep expressing how such feelings make you feel whilst longing for their truth, all of which is unconditionally accepting yourself. Which if you can do for yourself, you’ll then do with others, too.

And we only feel guilty because we believe we should, because we were taught it was wrong to be the angry hateful person. However you have all reasons (and rights), all 100% valid for being angry and hating, you weren’t loved truly, and that’s more than enough reason to feel hurt and pissed off with everyone and everything. The child when it’s angry shouldn’t be made to feel guilty or that there’s anything wrong being angry and hating other people and things, particularly when those things and people are making it feel bad.

I know it’s all mad, we’ve got everything so around the wrong way, and it does make you feel like your head is being dished in. And really to be so against yourself that you create something like Alzheimers for yourself to hide in, that shows that something is very seriously and deeply wrong, right down to the core of you. And it would take a tremendous amount of expressing all the repressed feelings to unearth what it’s really all about, something of which you’re getting a taste of within yourself Sam. Because there is just so much, so much more than we have any idea about.

We’ve all been so heavily programmed to think and even demand that fixing our problems is easy, you get a cold so take a pill and it’s done, you no longer feel bad. So it’s very hard for us to accept that our healing is going to take years of solid working on ourselves (not that I’m saying you don’t accept it Sam, I’m talking more about myself here) with what will seem like an endless amount of bad feelings coming up each day. But it’s uncovering the whole truth of ourselves, it’s what we are about as beings in Creation, we’re all about the truth, and so that starts with the truth of ourselves. It’s what we should be taught as children, understanding that our lives are all and ONLY about truth-revealing, and if we’re doing things that aren’t helping us uncover more truth about ourselves, nature and God, then it’s a waste of time; and so why are you denying yourself those experiences and the feelings that result from them which would lead to the truth you need to see?