I AM
Oct 28, 2015 18:50:44 GMT 10
Post by Sam M on Oct 28, 2015 18:50:44 GMT 10
That is so the Truth Wesley, they didn't care!! all they cared about was us meeting their needs and demands like subservient little annoying hangers on. We just got in their way and held them back. They gave birth to us and right from conception, we were a Pain. We were a total hindrance to them and all they wanted to do and if they could have got rid of us they would of. We were to blame for everything. For most of the time we were hated and they didn't have to say it with words because we Felt it fully, right from the womb because the souls language is feelings and we didn't need words, from soul to soul, we felt it all. Now we go around still feeling it and having it shown to us every minute of every day in our adult lives, still carrying all that unloving feeling around with us, manifesting it in every interaction, its the only reason we do what we do as adults, trying to prove to ourselves that we are loved in some way, lying to ourselves constantly, we weren't loved and what we are attracting to us through our souls injuries shows us that. Our unseen helpers, Angels and God are all helping us to see the unloving state of our souls, the truth, through what we are attracting and for me, I am seeing I am being put in more nd more unloving situations, more and more pain because I am so resistant to feeling the grief, the truth. I have become so aware of what is happening to me every minute of every day and that my soul is now leading the way in my life, not my mind so much. My soul is showing me all of my pain and injuries and it is relentless. The depths of rejection is overwhelming at the moment.
I have discovered that my anger is stopping me get to the grief I need to feel and fear is stopping me get to the anger so their are so many layers I have to break down before I can release grief on some subjects, not all, some I can release easier. I have had to feel so much fear about expressing my anger, I am scared I will be told off, thought of as being mad, punished for displaying rage and anger, the fear is immence and stops me releasing the grief, I have so much defence in the way of it. I want to get to it so much so I have had to physically bring that anger on once I have understood my fears of showing anger, I was never allowed to express it, being shut down instantly so I have been very numb to my anger, not really thinking I have it because I couldn't feel it, it was only when I expressed my fear of being and showing anger that I discovered, underneath fear, I was really angry. I have now bought a huge bean bag and punch the hell out of it, kick it, through it around the room, throw myself on it kicking and screaming, crying and shouting at it and once I start I find it hard to stop, I am amazed at the amount of pain and anger/rage that is in me, it scares me that I have had all of that in me all my life. To actually physically express that rage in a loving way, not at anyone else is an amazing release and the grief pours out and the exhaustion afterwards is just amazing, I feel totally empty inside, I rage like a child having the biggest tantrum until I cant do it anymore. If you watch a child have a tantrum as I do, they cry and scream and kick and punch until they have nothing left. I watched a child do this yesterday and had to just watch him, right in front of me like he was giving me a lesson on how to do it and I went home and tried it the way he showed me and he was right, just let it flow whilst his mum was feeling exactly the same way as he was displaying but she couldn't express it, he was feeling her rage and showing her how to do it, it was the truth of how she really felt and she was telling him off for expressing her pain. I wanted to give that little boy the biggest hug and thank him for the lesson in expressing rage, showing me how to do it properly, and he was right, it worked. The feeling I felt afterwards was like I could take on the world, I was so emptied out and clear inside once I had touched the rage and grief and expressed it out of me physically, in a safe environment, not hurting anyone, I felt free. The bean bag has taken my healing to a new level and I have been missing my rage and the allowing of its expression, it is a part of me that I had deemed very bad, so I dared not show it which is so unloving of me because it is doing to myself exactly what my parents did to me, shut me down, not love me unconditionally, only wanting the good. I now love my rage and welcome it fully as it is the gateway to the grief, as I watched that little boy kick the hell out of his mums shopping trolly I knew it was for me, a lesson on how to be like a child and fully express my grief, he was saying to me "Watch me Sam, I will show you how". What I was never allowed to express, I stopped allowing in myself, the very emotions that would set me free were the ones I was taught to never show. I love my rage and I allow it fully, it is a part of me that wants me to bring it into the light and be true to it and end the denial.
I have discovered that my anger is stopping me get to the grief I need to feel and fear is stopping me get to the anger so their are so many layers I have to break down before I can release grief on some subjects, not all, some I can release easier. I have had to feel so much fear about expressing my anger, I am scared I will be told off, thought of as being mad, punished for displaying rage and anger, the fear is immence and stops me releasing the grief, I have so much defence in the way of it. I want to get to it so much so I have had to physically bring that anger on once I have understood my fears of showing anger, I was never allowed to express it, being shut down instantly so I have been very numb to my anger, not really thinking I have it because I couldn't feel it, it was only when I expressed my fear of being and showing anger that I discovered, underneath fear, I was really angry. I have now bought a huge bean bag and punch the hell out of it, kick it, through it around the room, throw myself on it kicking and screaming, crying and shouting at it and once I start I find it hard to stop, I am amazed at the amount of pain and anger/rage that is in me, it scares me that I have had all of that in me all my life. To actually physically express that rage in a loving way, not at anyone else is an amazing release and the grief pours out and the exhaustion afterwards is just amazing, I feel totally empty inside, I rage like a child having the biggest tantrum until I cant do it anymore. If you watch a child have a tantrum as I do, they cry and scream and kick and punch until they have nothing left. I watched a child do this yesterday and had to just watch him, right in front of me like he was giving me a lesson on how to do it and I went home and tried it the way he showed me and he was right, just let it flow whilst his mum was feeling exactly the same way as he was displaying but she couldn't express it, he was feeling her rage and showing her how to do it, it was the truth of how she really felt and she was telling him off for expressing her pain. I wanted to give that little boy the biggest hug and thank him for the lesson in expressing rage, showing me how to do it properly, and he was right, it worked. The feeling I felt afterwards was like I could take on the world, I was so emptied out and clear inside once I had touched the rage and grief and expressed it out of me physically, in a safe environment, not hurting anyone, I felt free. The bean bag has taken my healing to a new level and I have been missing my rage and the allowing of its expression, it is a part of me that I had deemed very bad, so I dared not show it which is so unloving of me because it is doing to myself exactly what my parents did to me, shut me down, not love me unconditionally, only wanting the good. I now love my rage and welcome it fully as it is the gateway to the grief, as I watched that little boy kick the hell out of his mums shopping trolly I knew it was for me, a lesson on how to be like a child and fully express my grief, he was saying to me "Watch me Sam, I will show you how". What I was never allowed to express, I stopped allowing in myself, the very emotions that would set me free were the ones I was taught to never show. I love my rage and I allow it fully, it is a part of me that wants me to bring it into the light and be true to it and end the denial.