I am nothing. I have nothing but bad feelings. No one has the right to tell me to be positive in this world. I am only expressing the Truth of me. The hurting never ends no matter what I have and will obtain in the world besides healing my soul. Which is the only thing I am striving for. Bad feelings stay with me through the good and bad times of my life. And I am never going to divorce her. My Mother is in my life as well as my Father. They both are the ones who know me. They created me and waited for me to turn to them. I now can cry with meaning and be angry with meaning and express and long for the Truth. No longer can I hide and deny who I truly am. There is not doctrine or belief system or new age solution in this world that can help me. Falling back is not an option. World let me be free from your pleasures and allurements because those never will help nor save me from my evil. Amen
Now what you say here Wes I get a lot out of, can relate personally to, and feel very good about what you've written, as bad as what you're saying is how you feel.
I had an experience the other day that helped me understand how I, and I believe it applies to us all, have what I'd call, instead of 'Original Sin', in me: Original Pain. The pain at the moment of my conception caused by being conceived into no love and being conceived without love. It's such a deep pain, right at my core, I can always feel it - have always felt it, just haven't understood what it was.
I've been feeling unloved - completely unloved, never loved. And it makes me feel bad, but nothing like the sadness, misery and anguish that it used to make me feel. I've healed so much of those feelings, now I feel it more simply as my truth - the truth of my unloved state, the truth of how I am. Just as you are saying in your post.
And all I can do is keep speaking about how this Original Pain makes me feel and all I feel about feeling it, and see what happens. I can't of myself make it go away. That I now understand is what I've done all my life by using my mind to take my mind off such bad feelings. But now my mind can't do that as I allow myself to stay focused on such bad feelings, so I'm just in it, of it, being it, observing me as it - feeling me be it. I too am nothing - of no love, unloved. This is me, this is how I am.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I can totally add to that to. I have spent all day in bed, didn't even get up to open the shop because I needed to stay with my deep pain of feeling so unloved. as soon as I opened my eyes this morning I knew it was a day that I needed to stay in bed, crying as and when I need to, and I have, it is about 7.30pm now and have only just felt ok to come back to life. It is the original pain of being so unloved and what I have done to others with that pain being inside of me, I have felt it twice, firstly within me and hurt myself even more in the denial of it and secondly how I have hurt others with my repressed pain, I have spent today in deep grief of my own pain and the repentance of the pain I have inflicted, my two sins as I have felt totally responsible for how I have used that pain, today I have felt hopeless, like their is no hope for me, inconsolable at times and repeatedly saying sorry to those I have hurt in my life through the projection of my pain, I want forgiveness and am feeling the compensation of my actions to myself and others, it all feels so hopeless, so much to heal. But like you said Wesley, there is no going back, this is my time to heal my unloving feelings and today I thank Mother and Father for being with me through my weakness.
I am very glad that we all can express similar feelings. It really helps me to heal. To keep moving forward and on and on. Taking that dip in the great ocean of pain. That we suffered our whole life. Just thinking that all my life feelings were not allowed. Keep your bad feelings to yourself. Nobody wants to hear it. What a load of crap and just like I feel. But it's everywhere I go can't deny it anymore. If anything that I will accomplish is my healing. Thank you Samantha and James for being here or I would still be beating my head against the wall trying to pray my evil life away. It seems like the wheel is turning and picking up a steady pace as reading and writing is becoming a little bit easier. And my longing for the Truth. With no deception.
Just before I read your post Sam, Marion asked me if you could cry easily. Then I read how you were crying easily. Marion and I talked about our non-ability to cry, and these are some of the points that we’ve observed in each other and experienced through our healing.
We all will need to cry throughout our healing. Needing to break into the major blocks and resistance within us, releasing much of the emotion through crying. We cried when we were young, so we have to cry again as adults seeking the truth of such crying, all so we can understand why we did cry back then. We have to go back and be in the same crying feelings.
Mostly through Marion’s and my healing, the releasing of such emotion is done through talking, so negating the need to cry as much as we might have done if we were only crying to ease our inner tension and let the pressure out without wanting to uncover the truth of our emotions.
Possibly neither Marion nor I are big criers, this being part of our upbringing. We certainly cried, and Marion a lot, during our early lives, but perhaps we’ve learnt how to keep it under control more. And so we’ve thought the more we progress in our healing, the easier it will be to let go and cry. But this has not yet happened, and in fact we’ve gone the other way, crying less. We will reach that point of crying, tears coming, bottom lip quivering, face all scrunched up with the power of the emotions, but still talk our way through it without abandoning ourselves to crying.
Marion was saying that possibly crying is used by some people - who are not doing their healing - as part of their bad feeling denial. They allow themselves to feel certain bad feelings, can easily cry, but won’t allow themselves other bad feelings, with their crying stopping themselves from having to face them.
She was saying that it might also be necessary to cry at those times in ones healing to ‘clear the way’ for the serious business of then getting on and dealing with the deeper underlying bad feelings which contain the truth ones needs to see about oneself. We’ve both occasionally experienced this.
I am sure there is more to crying than these few points; when Marion and I have reached that point, it is always a very significant turning and breakthrough point.
And Sam and Wes, if you have any other thoughts or feelings about crying and your crying experiences, I’d like to hear them.
I’ll tack this on here, it being the latest in my difficulties with my self-expression.
More of my being a sad case:
The one who talks has the power. The listener has no power. And even less if forced to listen - they don’t even exist. So I talk so as to feel I exist. If I don’t talk, if I have to listen, I feel like I’m disappearing - ceasing to exist, falling off the cliff. So I talk at the person not wanting to engage them in normal conversation, not talking inviting them to respond, because I don’t want them to respond thereby putting myself in the non-existing state.
With mum it was her or I, never both. She feared being taken over and rendered useless by having to listen to her mother, so she jumped in powerfully commanding all the attention becoming the main controller. She wasn’t going to allow her children to have all the power and attention, she didn’t want her children to be like how her mother was, she having to be made to listen to them, she feeling powerless, of no account, a worthless nothing no one. So she dominated speaking at us, not with us, not encouraging us to have our say. So having so many years under her control, and learning at the same time how I am meant to be as she was, now I am mixed up not really knowing whether I’m meant to be the listener always subjected to the other person, resisting this and fearing I am fading away and being angry about that, or the controller-dominator taking over by doing all the talking. I’m caught in the middle, sometimes being one way, sometimes the other. And as usual, feeling very confused.
On occasions I can cry but this has taken a lot of digging for me to get back to feeling like the child again, and I really do feel the hurt child in me when I cry but this is fairly new being able to touch on the core of the pain enough for it to just release floods of tears having been so used to repressing my tears and doing the great British "Stiff Upper Lip" denial rubbish that us Brits are reputed for. On this occasion, the night before my crying day, I had been writing about my unloving behaviour to myself and others and it all made me feel so hopeless as a being to have hurt others with my injuries, as soon as I opened my eyes the next morning I felt different, like pain after pain was queuing up waiting to be emptied out, I felt truly awful, despicable, evil to the core and all I could do all day was cry, then stop, then it would just begin again and I had puffy eyes for two days after. Only more recently have I found that I can now cry well about my pain, its taken a long time to get through the block that stopped me reaching that point of being able to cry, but like I said earlier, I don't always feel like I want to so when it comes I take the opportunity to go as deep as I can with it. The feeling is so freeing afterwards, like you are empty for a while, hollow, clean and pure. I do feel that recently I am able to cry more easily and that pleases me as I feel I am touching my true hurt self and able to release fully, I feel softening in my heart and a feeling of being humble enough to let myself cry, that I deserve to cry and feel the pain, that I have something to cry about instead of thinking the opposite, that I don't have anything to cry about. I am finding now that very little things trigger my to cry, like last night I was sitting in bed and a thought popped into my head and it hit me so deep and tears just streamed down my face, so I stayed with it, not wanting to stray from the thought and feelings that were rising in me, just to allow myself to feel fully what I was feeling, I just kept thanking Mother and Father for the opportunity given to me in that instant. Mum would say to me that I was very hard, I would laugh when bad things happened, she thought that I found it funny and thought I was a bit sick for laughing so inappropriately but it was not because I found it funny, I was in deep shock and fear and the only way I could express myself was to laugh although I felt so scared, I did not know how to cry because I was never allowed to feel my painful feelings, I got stopped before I could cry about them, it all got made better before I could scream and ball about it, Mum doing things to make me avoid crying so I would begin to laugh, all distraction and decoys from feeling pain and when I cry now I often go back to those times and feel them like I am a child again, feeling sad because I had my crying taken from me and my chance to feel and heal there and then instead of now.
Following on from Original Pain, I’ve now been feeling how I am the cause of all that’s bad. I am Original Bad. That all I am is bad. I don’t know why, it’s just how it is - the truth, so far as mum and dad were concerned. That being how they parented me. They made me feel I was the cause of all their problems, that I was just bad, and they were constantly having to fix, correct, right, me. It never occurred to them that there was in fact nothing wrong with me, it was all them, all their projection of themselves onto me, their own badness they were seeing reflected in me.
So I have grown up with the core of me believing I am all-bad. I don’t actually feel hated by them for being this way, however that too is probably there as well (I have touched on it, but no doubt more is awaiting deeper discovery), so they just had to get on with it, get on with ‘dealing with’ me.
And even though I don’t as such feel hated by them, I don’t feel loved either. I used to believe they loved me and I felt loved by them, but now I can see and understand that was only what I did to cover up my deep guilt of being so bad. For I do feel very bad about being all-bad. I feel very ashamed and guilty for being so wrong all the time, and wish I wasn’t, wishing I was just good and right so they’d be happy with me.
Mum scared me by telling me I would do a worse thing if I didn’t stop what I was doing. “Stop playing with that, put that stick down, stop waving it about, you’ll poke your brother’s eye out...” I never did poke his eye out, but I fear and worry that everything I do will lead me to doing some terrible thing to someone. So it is best that I don’t do anything; or that if I start, I don’t go too far with it because I will do that awful thing. And I’ll regret it forever, never being able to be forgiven, my crime so heinous, my sin so great, my evilness so extreme, that there will be no coming back, I will never be able to ‘get back in the good books’.
And this punishment of eternal rejection and damnation is too great to bear, too much to even consider for one moment; so no, push it all aside, bolster myself with: I am not bad, I am good; I must keep repeating my saving mantra, that which at times they even supported me with. So keep pretending that I am not bad, that I’m okay, even liked and loved, when underneath it all I know I am an abject failure, a good-for-nothing, useless, an unredeemable hopeless case that should be ‘put down’. I’m a wrong’n, will never amount to much, so why waste time on him. Just keep him away from and out of trouble, keep him over there so he can’t hurt himself or anyone else, and all but forget about him.
So I carry the shame of feeling I am not right, that I am intrinsically bad, and nothing can be done about it - about me. And all these thoughts, beliefs and feelings are very deep inside me. My parents actions were not what would be judged on the outside by the ignorant as unloving, not when compared to how Marion’s parents treated her, however inwardly I still feel all I have written, it’s all within me, it’s all there for me to see, and see now through my feelings and actions.
I am always so scared that with anyone at some point I am going to do and say the worst most hurtful thing imaginable. I am going to crush them out of existence - as if I have some terrific supernatural power in my badness. So I limit my relationships, limit my self-expression, ensuring to always keep myself on a close reign, never allowing myself to express any happiness or affection, all because that will lead to the inevitable disaster. The disaster that she said would always happen, the disaster that never actually happened, but the disaster I am still terrified of happening.
And I can see it in all that I am, and all that I do. Even the forum can’t and won’t grow because I don’t want it to, unconsciously I am not allowing it to. Because if it did and I started to enjoy having more people, then the bad thing would happen. It happened with Desire, it will happen with everyone, because that’s what mum said would happen. So I have started it, but now dread more people actually coming because how would I deal with them, all when our relationship is headed for disaster.
As I’ve been writing this, trying to focus on the feelings I feel, pushing into my unloving relationship with mum and dad, an eyelash started to poke into my eye making me have to stop and focus on it. And it would stop annoying me, then I’d write more, then it would start pricking my eye again. And I would have to stop again. And now I am raging angry wanting to claw out my fucking eye and pull all my eyelashes out because they (my parents) are trying to stop me writing. And now I can see it’s not me doing the bad thing, I am not bad, it’s them, she and he are the ones poking me in the eye, they are the ones stopping me and making me feel bad. They are the ones stopping me saying what I want to say, stopping me do what I want to do. I didn’t poke my brother in the eye, I had my eye poked - by THEM!
And I have been made to feel guilty that I am the bad one, when all along it was them - not ME! They are the bad ones, I have done nothing wrong. I was just a baby, a child, how could I have done anything wrong? It’s all wrong according to them. And they are wrong, so of course I too must be wrong. But I no longer want to be as they are. I want to be my own true self. I want to get away from them.
And now my eyelash has settled down. Now my anger is driving me away from them as I see more of the truth about our relationship. They are the Original Bad Ones, not me. And They have caused all my Original Pain, not me. I am now doing it all to myself as they said and made me believe that was how I am to be; however I am not the cause of my own pain and self-destruction - they are. And I only continue to hurt and be unloving to myself because it’s what they taught me was right for me to do. Their way was the Right Way, but slowly through my healing I am seeing it is not. And neither is it My Way.
My way is something else, I don’t know what it is; but it’s not their way, that much I know, that much my feelings keep showing me.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I am covered in chains. My parents tighten them every day of my life. Once we grew to old for the physical punishments she told us God was going to punish us now. In my mind I only knew them to be my god so I felt relief that they was so screwed up in the head to believe that. Every day I pull back a link in that chain and my soul breaks through. Laying me wide open for pain. The light shows me the feeling this pain that they imposed on me can now be revealed. Is like one part of my body reveals it while I can go through it by using the other part. If my upper part of me is in pain my lower part gets stronger. It seems the Mother and Father helps me this way to keep me striving to heal myself. Still so painful to go through. It seems I have gathered in one big on slaught both of my parents evil and added my own. So I am in a deep ditch. Making me a working ant. Always working on my soul day in night on and on. For all eternity. Never stopping. And I really understand James what you and Marion are saying about the circuits. Every one of them needs to be addressed. Very painful. But has to be done. The chains also had its breathing room for denial as the majority of my life was. Trying to live in this deluded state. Thinking I was moving on. If not finding the Father's Love denial still would have had its grip on me. How odd does life reveals itself in all its beautiful and painful essence.
I am a mystery. To myself and everyone else. My life is on a boat in the sea. My soul being the sea. And the sharks are appearing everywhere. Just seeing their teeth thinking one bite to my mid section can release all of this inner pressure. I imagine that feeling all the time. Sometimes nature seems to be that perfect deflection. Knowing what they would naturely do to me if I fell in to the sea. The sea is a mystery not talking about anything just waiting to see if I dare to approach it. Knowing all my pains and fears. But still in enter in testing the waters and the waves. Not in any way bravely either. Just inching my way. Little by little sticking my neck out there. Glued to my mind trapping me on every side. Why is mind so strong to keep fighting tooth and nail with my soul. I don't know and my parents do. They sit back and relax knowing they have at least one son trapped in their lure. But yet this mystery man or child is doing something they don't know about. Breaking out link by link. It's hard but at least I know that they are going to be wondering what at least I'm doing. Maybe I can slip away doesn't matter how I do it but to heal from their wounds. I know I can't go to my enemy and ask them to heal my eyes after they had blinded me. They won't because they put years and years to their plan for me. So I am a mystery.
I like what you said Wes, and how you said it. Do you find being a mystery to yourself that you are also curious about it - wanting to find out about yourself, about what is mysterious?
I believed I wanted to know about myself, uncovering the truth of my hidden mysteries, however periodically through my healing I’ve had to admit that I’ve also not wanted to know, that really I have no interest in myself. I’ve wanted to uncover more of the impersonal outside mysteries, such as what spirits are and how do they relate to us, more than my own personal mysteries. As usual I have both sides, interest and no interest in myself, whereas Marion has always wanted to uncover all her mysteries, she’s full-on never flagging in it, never feeling she’s had enough of her healing, being always as if she’s freshly starting out in it, whereas I feel often exhausted, sick of the bloody thing, wishing it would all end.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Not overall but the mystery seems to come when I feel something was leading me into the direction my life is in now as well as the past. Did I want to be born here on earth. But it's not known. But then I really don't pay much attention to it. And just take what I have and just deal with it. Many days I feel that being stuck between fantasy and reality.
I am learning to suffer through the pain giving to me by my parents. All they can say is my athletic accolades. That is gone. I don't do things like that anymore. But there is nothing else because they never put in time to see anything else. Which is so pathetic. Me I'm not sympathize with it at all. It just angers me. So healing will be constant for me. I'm still slushing forward dragging my feet and anger and pain. Pain is guiding me leaving me alone. Knowing how much of a whole they dug for me to climb out of. I'm still here and I know what is ahead of me.
So Wes how does all of what you say make you feel? How does not feeling sympathised with make you feel? Do you feel hurt, angry, miserable, sad…? Can you write the emotions and feelings you feel? Can you write a good rant about how bad it all makes you feel? Letting your emotions and feelings have their say.
Yes. I feel paranoid and dam angry about it. Always worried about the slightest thing. I feel dispicable to be their child. Just feel like wiping away all of their dna. Stomach pressure that cause indigestion. It feels terrible knowing I'm under their hand. I feel like shit all the time. I feel it just paranoia. It's just miles of bad feelings pushing through my veins,body,soul and mind. I feel scared and jumpy. I can't get that real part of me out. I feel hurt all the time from all the poison and lies they told me. I feel like a target a poster child a nobody. I feel all evil and bad things lurking to destroy me. I feel lame and old. They ripped me to pieces and feel like a mere worm. I feel like shit and a nobody.
And Wes do you say such things to your wife? Do you have someone in whom you can say it all to, vent, rant and confide in? I’m asking wanting to gain a picture of how you are working on yourself, it being obviously different to myself.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Somewhat to my wife. But she doesnt totally understand healing. So I can't fully vent to her so mostly writing and just speaking out loud to myself most of the time. Waiting someday for someone that I can express my anger to. That seems to be the only problem. But I can get to her every once in a while but not like I want. Somehow I feel still that someone is listening either my soul friends or the Mother and Father. And maybe right now it's a lesson on patient which I definitely need. And the forum which right now is my number one source. And you James. Thank you.
Basically I try to solve my problems quickly as I can. Trying to find the easy way through my painful life. Not setting out to understand all I have to do. So when I started feeling the Father's Love the feelings started rather quickly. So it was so easy to continue in my negative state. Not knowing the pace I was going in. Quick to maintain the direction I was heading. And yet the pain started to reveal itself where I had no knowledge why if I was recieving love. So quickly again I turned to prayer trying to pray it away but it became stronger. I never move in a slow steady pace until finally I grew tired of it. So I slowed down I had to rethink about just praying. I actually became so hopeless that patience seem the only answer not prayer. But I'm not a patient person. So everything that I thought I was seem to go against me. So I started looking from the opposite direction than prayer. Looking to why the pain was much stronger than the Love I was receiving. I even dedicated my life to pray several times a day but suddenly I stop and slowly started to feel everything going wrong. I choose to look for something else and sometimes I would pray. Patience makes me feel helpless cause It doesn't coincide with my fast pace life. Seems like a lesson coming from the opposite side of me. I hate being patient. I want to see and feel progression all the time but that just sends me into that nothing feeling. Just feeling my dad's life stuck inside my head. He taught me nothing. Just put me into sports and didn't even stay to see me practice. Just lying in preparing for sleep seems to be the definition of patience. But yet it is in my life now through my healing.
As I’ve written before, throughout the years of our healing, and as we’ve got older, we’ve had lots of physical aches and pains to slow us down forcing us to change how we do things and making us reassess what’s important. My current head pain when I bend over to pick something up off the floor that feels like my brain is being pushed up and crushed up into the top of my skull is making me take notice of every moment I do that involves some bending. It’s slowing me up even more, and like all these slight physical inconveniences, it’s helping me come back to myself more. I’ve having to connect with my actions, think about them and why I’m doing them, how I feel about them, and are they actually needed and can I do them another way or do without them altogether. And the other way is always more personal, more friendly to myself making me feel better about how I am treating myself. All how we are physically is of course a manifestation of all how we are on the deeper inner will, feeling and mind levels, so as they are changing so does the outside have to adjust and change also, so we need such pain. And of course they are yet more pains to focus on, express and seek the truth of.
And speaking about such pains, recently I’ve become aware of how some of them have gone. It shows you how subtle some parts of the healing is. For about ten years I couldn’t use my knees, I couldn’t squat or push up using them, they were agony, and I couldn’t rest on them if I needed to look under the bed or do something like that. But lately because I’m having to take more strain on them so I don’t bring on my head pain, so I’m squatting more and without my knee pain. I hadn’t even realised that it’s eased off and is all but gone compared to how severe it was. And even my lower back is much better of late, and my left arm I can now lift up above my head and even scratch some of my back whereas for years I couldn’t do anything that involved twisting it around or raising it up. So I guess on this level there is some improvement - progress perhaps?
You said Wes: “Basically I try to solve my problems quickly as I can.” And: “Patience makes me feel helpless cause It doesn't coincide with my fast pace life. Seems like a lesson coming from the opposite side of me.”
So for me the pain of trying to solve problems quickly, that being by using your mind, is to help you stop being in and using your mind, taking you more into your feelings - that’s how it has worked for me. And it’s very important, as I’m sure you understand, to keep allowing yourself to feel all your helpless feelings, and feeling how powerless you feel, and expressing them, all how your parents made/make you feel. Marion’s and my physical pains have sure provided that service for us, to feel so sore in our bodies that we are so helpless with hardly any power to do anything, really I don’t know how we’ve managed to struggle on doing just the basic things we’ve needed to do, yet somehow we can just get by. Pushed to the edge often enough, held there, and as yet, not pushed over it.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Not an ACTOR. My parents lied to us all the time. "If you act good we will do something ". Good reason why we didn't do anything but stay out of their hair. We tried to stay quiet and act like grown ups but we couldn't. Our life was set up to obey with out any complaints. Every lie they told us we believed. Just keep waiting to next time. Not understanding it was all set up to totally ignore us (me). We took on all their lies which made us liars. A lesson from our parents to get their way with us. Keep us ACTING.
Yes Wes, it’s the hardest part I’m struggling with, seeing that I did take it all on from them, that I am not my true self, that I am just a two-bit actor playing a stupid role in a losers play - which is my life. Lately the Mother and Father have been showing me just how much of mum and dad I am. I knew I was, and psychology tells us we are to some extent - how could we not be, but had I no idea how ALL of me is them, and so much so that I don’t think there is any real me. So who am I? What am I really like? And I don’t have a clue - it’s frightening feeling like I don’t actually exist, it was all only them.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I AM taking nothing for granted. As I am healing in many subtle ways it's baffling to me most of the time. Little things simply vanish and I sometimes want to cheer but there is so much more to do. I am getting very confident in my slow journey. Nothing comes quickly I now understand so asking to be saved from my awful life couldn't replace what is now ahead of me. Being saved leaves you waiting and fantasizing and doing nothing. The MARK of limitation. There is no expression that is limited. As this forum shows. I am not walking about as a quiet broken little boy but an expressive healing little boy a level ahead of my years in just praying for the Love.
I AM hated. Oh how they hated me. I had a heart murmur the didn't care. I had school activities they didn't care. I had troubles with bullies they laughed. I hated football they made me play. I had a voice they shut me up. I was born but I wasn't his. I was a cry baby so I was bad. My girl friends they didn't like I didn't care. They spoke to me maliciously I didn't care. So I was taught not to care. They never talk to me I cared. I use to look in my dad's eyes he didn't look back no care. I live aggressively I didn't care. I AM 9 years old and no one cared.