Soul perceptions

At a certain part of my life I became very interested in my Soul region. Reading the Padgett messages introduced to me the Soul and the conditions of it. I didn't know that there was even a thing called the soul. Being so far away from it my mind was the only means to function in my life. So avoidance of things that didn't make since to me was the way to cope and live. I became very steeped in self denial that my mind reacted in ways that had me wonder that living was keeping to avoiding anything that didn't seem understandable by my mind. So particular PM passages was avoided. I only wanted to transform my soul. We'll still my mind was still in control. And in my mind I believed that praying for the Father's Love erases my sins and errors. Year after year prayers were my priority. And yet I perceived my soul conditions on different ways other than prayer itself. Maybe I wanted my soul to become new through prayer but there were no indication that it was happening. Through out my life I always had strange feelings that something kept knocking at my door and even helping me through my lonely life. What was it. It was to deep to explain what I was feeling on a deeper level. I myself would try to overlook these feelings that were thrusting me too and fro. What is happening to me was coming to a head. So I started to seek out and study what was going on. How strange was this that I actually wanted to know something about myself. And still to this day wondered how I came to this point. I was never stirred up enough to want to know anything about what, where and how I was doing. I just didn't care about life,religion and the meanings of life. Just do what I needed to do to just survive. Now looking at all the clues that I had a soul that needed to be expressed by any means necessary. Don't hold back on what I feel because I was very explosive in other parts of my life. So yes transferring this explosive part of me to expressing my feelings was the greatest relief I had experienced. Thousands of feelings became my partners of my life. Instead of being held captive and in prison by my mind. And how do I feel? Terribly crushed that I never knew myself all my life. I feel victimized by my parents. A child dressed like a man with no manhood. Ready to play with every evil thing and be Ok with it. Now the wrongness can present itself on a grander scale. Let me know how I was crushed into almost oblivion but I slip through the eye of the needle. That little peep whole I decided to get through was all that was left. My mind lost its luster for life. Giving up seem so much better than striving to be positive and deceived. Now soul perception was moving forward in me. Longing for the Truth of it all.