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Post by James on Oct 24, 2014 22:40:48 GMT 10
I'm pissed off with ProBoards, they've changed the default font and having liked how the posts looked on the forum now I don't and I can't change it back. I don't understand what's happened. Nothing is ever left alone, everyone is always frigging around changing things. It took me ages to try and figure out their settings to make the look and feel of the forum what I wanted, and now the most important part - the words we read are harder to read - for me anyway - than they were. And I am raging mad. I won't express all my anger here yet it connects immediately with how it was in my family with mum and dad always changing things, never telling me, always making me have to adjust and change myself to fit in with them. It was always how they wanted it all, the same old fucking stuff coming up in me. I can't have things how I want and enjoy them to be. They can't just leave me and my things alone. I want to be left alone and not interfered with!
And they would argue - It's not your forum, we - Proboards - are kindly providing it for you, so you have to have it how we want it. And that's how it was, I couldn't have my life how I wanted it, I had to have it how they wanted, all whilst being so grateful to them, all because they are the kind, caring and loving ones providing me with all I need. All I need to keep me feeling powerless, unhappy and unloved!
So I've manually changed this post to Verdana, which his a bit better but smaller. It makes me feel how I felt at home, I don't like it anymore, I don't want to keep going with it, I don't what to have to change. It's not for me - my home, my life, mum and dad, and I don't see the point of my existing, my living, what is it all for when I don't feel like anything in it is for me. I don't have any power, I can't make things be how I want them be. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I am so fed up with my nothing shit life. They had it all how they wanted it to be, including shitting all over me and making me do everything they wanted. I wish I could change myself, but I can't. The things about myself I want to change I can't, but the world can so easily force me to change and I can't say no, I have to go along with it - them. It's all so unfair.
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Post by James on Oct 26, 2014 22:11:56 GMT 10
I might have apologise to ProBoards. I don’t know, I still don’t understand about the font change. However I have realised that I screwed up some of the fonts on my computer, I was giving it a spring clean trying to give it more memory to work with, and not knowing what I was doing, inadvertently trashed some fonts, which might have affected how my browser reads the web pages. However when I try and change the default posting font on ProBoards nothing happens, whereas I can change all the other fonts on the forum. So I don’t know, probably part me part them???
Have the fonts of the posts changed for you Samantha or Wesley?
Anyway, it’s all helped me understand more about how I view the world, with my believing it is always trying to ruin all I have and stop me having the things I like, even if I do it to myself. I might have fucked up the fonts, but I still feel like someone else - mum and dad - have made me do it. I am never to blame as I am not ever doing it - they are, they are even ‘doing’ me. And even if I blame myself, that doesn’t matter because I can’t do anything anyway - so still it’s all because I’m being forced to do whatever it is that I’m getting into trouble for. And all the way along I feel I’m only ever doing what they’ve told me to do, so why are they upset with me now when I’m not doing anything wrong, aren’t I doing what they told me to do? None of it makes any sense, I feel like I live in a blurry cloud of confusion all the time, never properly connecting with myself - who is doing it, who is living me, them or myself? I don’t know. Am I them, or am I myself, or am I part of both? It’s all so confusing. And it wears me down, makes me feel so tried, I can’t even get angry with it, them or myself anymore, it’s all too overpowering. I feel useless and fucked and so messed up in my head.
Later.
All of the above being an example of my healing I’ve written similarly about many times. However what I want to add this time around is that later I discovered I could download my favourite font Garamond that I’d trashed, and an even a better version of it than I had on my computer. So I was able to fix the problem, and felt really good about it.
I’ve said throughout my writing that in our healing we’re to try and not fix the problem, instead trying to allow ourselves to feel as bad, powerless, overwhelmed and defeated; then, angry, scared, miserable and so on, that we might feel about it. And all whilst we express our bad feelings and long for the truth of them. And then, having spoken with Marion about how bad I felt all through it, feeling so crushed and stupid for trashing the only font I like using, I wanted to try and fix my problem looking up fonts for Mac and seeing if I could download a new set of Garamond that Bean, my beloved free and simple word processing software, can use. So I solved my problem, now feeling good about the outcome, and feeling good about persevering, applying my will, but also by allowing myself to feel all I felt right the way through it, beginning with feeling so beaten down and confused about what had gone wrong.
So my will, wanting to push on in my early life coming out into being, was stopped, crushed, beaten back by my parents and the life they were making for me, making me feel very bad, all of which feelings I repressed and refused to acknowledge. But now when life - me doing it to myself in this case having taken over from parents - happens to make me feel those same bad feelings, I can allow myself to feel them all, express them to Marion who cares enough about me to want to listen to my pain, and I can long for the truth of what’s happening to me, which, as I’ve written, is shown to me all through my feelings. And then I am able to keep going reasserting my will, which I wasn’t able to do when I was growing up, and so sorting out my problem to my benefit making myself feel good. Good that I have power in my own life, and I don’t have to remain as I was made to believe I had to be - powerless. That my powerlessness came from their unloving intrusion in my life, stopping me from naturally expressing my will, all of which I can do now, all so long as that includes allowing myself to feel all the bad stuff, and not jumping over all of that denying it as I was taught and made to do. So I can be the loving ‘parent’ to myself now that my parents weren’t to me.
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Post by wesley on Oct 27, 2014 16:42:31 GMT 10
I dont have any problems with the fonts. But yeah the world seems to me also always keeping me focused on the crap. Dealing with all the everyday so called living. All ways some family member trying to work to get everyone together for some kind of get together. And for what to claim that family is the most important part of this world. Stay obedient like you always have been and listen and participate. Then keeping up with the car, bills and relationships. Seeing whats the use. The same thing over and over again. Just dealing with the same old communication patterns, no one expressing their feelings unless they bought some kind of new product. Also just doing my healing on the forum and alone at home. Trying to push away all the failures of this life. All things surrounding my healing process being all false. Knowing nothing of that nature is all withering away. No enjoyment at all. How does one continue in this world believing its all about making a living. Using all sorts of things to acquire more and more material. None of its fun or so called fun that I use to believe. Just to keep you going. And those damn mondays the start of the week. Going out into the world for another week of struggle. So there really is nothing, but to do my healing. Express as much as I can either here or to the spirits and the mirror or wall. Every where I go I really dont want to be there. Just biding my time it seems.
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Post by James on Oct 28, 2014 20:02:11 GMT 10
Hi Wes, do you tell the Mother and Father what you want, asking Them for it? Do you have a wish list that you ask Them to fulfil?
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Post by wesley on Oct 28, 2014 22:02:17 GMT 10
Oh yes. The ultimate one is how did I get to this point in my life with all the details. Who was with me on some of those lonely dark nights coming up through my childhood and through my teenage years. Who were all those Angels and Spirits that held me in some my hard dark hours. With no inkling what to do but reject my parents and my life. I always ask what happened that cause this change from one extreme to here. This is the one that floods me constantly. Everything from here were maybe small things that I would wish for.
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Post by James on Oct 29, 2014 13:57:00 GMT 10
Have you received any details about how you did get to where you are now?
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Post by wesley on Oct 30, 2014 15:21:52 GMT 10
As far as I can tell not yet. Which is alright because it seems that in due time they will come. I will be longing for that outcome. And getting closer to our Mother gives me more confidence that it will happen someday.
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Post by James on Dec 24, 2014 15:48:40 GMT 10
I'm not pissed off anymore, it's so good once you've expressed all your anger having brought it all out and you no longer have the bad feeling. I'm still surprised by it, that the actual bad feeling does eventually, and even sometimes very quickly, go, and that it doesn't have to stay in me forever nor do I have to keep feeling bad forever. As I could never express my bad feelings so I wrongly believed that I would stay feeling them forever, and that scared me, so I buried them all as much as I could believing that I felt all right. But now by allowing myself to drown in them, then my expressing them is bailing out the boat, and eventually I make land still in tact and feeling truly good. And understanding what it was all about - why I was feeling bad.
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