We have to be self-sacrificing. It’s wrong to be wholly consumed with yourself - with your own feelings. We are to put our feelings aside for the feelings of others.
We are to stop putting ourselves first, and do good for others. Doing good for others is the highest way of living, the highest form of love and goodness, forget yourself and put everyone else before you - give yourself away and to the other person.
And if you do, then you will receive a hundred fold, so many good things and good feelings will be yours, even if such ‘rewards’ have to wait until you’re in heaven. So forget yourself and give yourself to others, for the betterment of humanity, to help the poor and suffering. And by doing so you will feel so euphoric being so pure and godlike.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Yes, I was taught this from my Parents, Grandparents, Teachers and in Girl Guides, all teaching me to do good for others, put others first, that I was not important and it would be selfish to put myself first and others will not like me if I do that, it was the whole bases of my childhood, I would be liked by others if I put them first and disliked if I put myself first. Then I had the most Evil experience of my young life when my parents moved us to South Africa, it was here I learnt the biggest hypocrisy of my life. I was taught to always think of others before myself, unless they were Black. I was taken to a country that was in the depths of Apartheid but still being taught that I must be self sacrificing and put others first, but not if they are Black, I was in the depths of confusion and saw no difference except colour of skin. I went to a school that had a extreme discipline and only for white children but here the children were taught that we were subservient to the teachers, we, the children, had to bow and take our hats off every time a teacher walked by, this made us good children, disciplined children who knew their place but we were higher than Black people. I was being taught to put all others first, before myself except for the coloured people, what hypocrisy, what confusion and I remember thinking they must have done something so bad to be treated like this and punished and kept away from us. All so Evil to be taught this by Adult white people. I spent a long time not understanding why my parents took us there, to such an evil place to be taught to treat others in this evil way but I now understand that it was their soul condition that lead them there, they had to further there evilness and need for control, to fulfil their need to feel superior over others and children and Africa was the perfect country to further this need in them and to enforce it upon us, their children. They were so proud of their children being so polite to others, holding doors open, having good manners and such respect for adults and wen anyone commented on how good we were they would beam with pride, but all done to please them, us kids were nothing just as the coloured Africans were also nothing just there to fill the needs of the white Gods. My parents had a choice to go to Australia or Africa and they chose Africa to place us in the depths of Evilness in a country that treated its native brothers and sisters as nothing, they took us there to be taught Evil, how to be unloving to others and ourselves. putting us right in it, teaching us how to be Evil and that we would be rewarded for it and liked.
I have been feeding the birds outside the granary and have delighted in our relationship getting closer and how it has made me feel. But recently I have had a feeling that is very different to the one I have been experiencing, I am now moving from a feeling of joy and beauty in our closeness to a feeling of sadness and let-down and untruth because I realise that they are only coming close because I have something to offer them, something to bribe them with to like me, this being the truth of my relationship with my parents. Me having to do all manner of things to gain their approval and love. I now am feeling that I am having such an untrue relationship with nature as its the only way I know, I am projecting my relationship with my parents onto nature and everything and trying to make it like me with food, a bribe, an addiction to take me away from the truth that no one or nothing would come close to me if I didn't have anything to offer, all co-dependant relationships of untruth but still an amazing gift to me to show me the truth of my unloving relationships. Today I will be spending time expressing the depths of how this makes me feel as I see the birds come expecting there food and feeling the pain of that is all they want from me, what they can get. They don't want me they just want what I offer them, I am not even thought about or seen, that being the truth of how I have felt and yesterday it was brought to me as I was feeding them, my feelings changed very quickly from, wow, this is great, to a soul slumping realisation that they don't care about me, they just want the food and actually by feeding them I am interfering with there natural ways of sourcing food and them relying on me instead of doing what comes naturally, trying to make them become dependant on me so that I can feel loved and needed when it is all a lie, they have no feelings for me at all and I now believe I am doing them more harm than good by changing there natural pattern and interfering in nature in my need to feel some sort of good feeling whilst the truth is exactly what they show me, I am only wanted for what I can offer which was to make my parents feel better about themselves when I offered them something good, something they can be proud of me for, all such a bribe and so hard to maintain.
Yes Sam, I can relate to all you’ve said about feeding them. Our bird feeding helped us so much, and led us to the same conclusions and many bad feelings concerning how our parents treated us. And then with all the worry about stopping when they had become reliant on us, and making them feel bad and unloved - all a projection of our fears and worries.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
I have begun to understand God a little bit more today.
Last week Trevor was planting some fruit tree’s in a couple of large tubs, I had planted Stargazer lilies in them last year. The stems looked dead so I pulled them out and he begun to dig. He stopped and said that there were some weird things in the soil so I had a look. They were corms from the Lilies, new bulbs grown under the soil from the parent plant, I was amazed at how incredible they looked so I got them all out and replanted them so they could come up in the spring.
This morning I woke up in the early hours with the corms in my head and a whole new world begun to unfold. I begun to see how our souls were created, just like the lily corms. Created from the parent (God) but not the same as the parent, but in the likeness of. I put it together and saw that God creates us in the same way, we are not God but a creation of theirs and in the soul likeness of. God is showing me how they created us, their children, through the lily corms. The lily corms are a creation of the parent plant but not the same as, it all amazed me and I felt I knew a little more about the loving qualities of God.
I also begun to see how deep and dark the corms were planted in the beginning of their existence like us in the womb, and how no matter how deep and dark the place the plant will always grow towards the light when the exact time is right, everything is taken into consideration for its perfect time to birth itself. It has such an inbuilt intelligence that it needs no help from anything else, it is logical, mathematical, scientific, loving, intelligent and so much more, it contains all of the qualities and attributes of God for me to get to know.
The plant has the perfect conditions for it to grow into its full beauty and all the time more corms are being created underground while it lives and then disappears so we can no longer see its beauty, it is creating more corms to be birthed into existence like God who we cannot see but is creating new souls to incarnate and grow into full beauty.
When I was thinking about it all this morning with the vision still in my head of the plentiful corms that I never knew existed, I really saw how God creates plentiful souls in the same way and is showing how they create for us to get to know and discover them in so many ways but could so easily be missed, as nearly was for me at the time, but last night I was praying to God to help me know them more and I was answered this morning in such a beautiful way and I am excited to find out more for myself through every moment of my life, God wants us to know them and is always showing us, we just are not aware.
Like the corms, everything has been provided for us to live happy lives and grow into our full beauty, like the lily, but we are all so far removed from trusting Gods loving Laws of the Universe, we don’t even know they exist yet scientists, mathematicians and every one of us are working with them every moment of our lives, but living against them and creating pain and suffering through this straying and self reliance.
The Corm cannot be programmed with our disobedience against God so it thrives in its naturalness and creates more and more beauty that will continue being beautiful, its children will continue being beautiful and blooming perfectly. Unlike ours.
Who needs The Urantia Book, eh, when you can uncover the truth of self and life and soul and God through your own feelings. What a prefect correlation using the corm and the womb and how we are God’s children, all with our own uniqueness and individuality. The truth is all about us of course, in nature, in ourselves, and it has to be because it’s all been created by our Mother and Father. We’re all of Them, so we should be able to see it in everything, if only we know where to look - ‘Have the eyes to see, and the ears to hear.’
Once again Sam being surprised at what you’ve posted and feeling so grateful to you for doing so, for again being an example of someone doing their healing outside of Marion and myself. Each of your posts affects me, all so I’m feeling lately, building up to something, I don’t know what, but it’s all part of my changing resulting from my healing. And the most important part of it is feeling more confident about it all, seeing how you deal with what’s happening, even with this sort of insight and revelation of truth unfolding for you in something so ordinary as digging in the garden. But that’s what so good and beautiful about it all, that’s EXACTLY how it should be for us, we can uncover the truth of everything for ourselves in all what we do just in our ordinary every day lives. We don’t have to go hiking far and wide climbing the highest mountain and sitting in some remote retreat chanting the day away hoping for self-realisation. We don’t have to go anywhere because we’re already where we need to be - we are with ourselves. So wherever we are we feel, and those feelings can lead us to the truths we need to know, if only we want them to. It couldn’t me more simple and yet look at how much we complicate things.
Uncover the truth through your feelings, and you're FREE!
Thank you James for all you have said. It was a wondrous moment for me and I felt an amazing opening whilst I was in the experience of it all and when I wrote it I was very excited and found it hard to write how it all made me feel, to share in that discovery and convey how it felt, I suppose was mine alone to feel, how it opened me up inside and gave me such faith in God based on truth of what I was being shown, it wasn't blind.
I FUCKING HATE NATURE, HATE, HATE, HATE IT !!!!!!!
The fucking bugs have eaten all of my veggies I planted and my favourite Stargazer Lilies that come up every year, they don't stand a chance and I wont get to eat any of my own veggies or smell my lilies or see their beautiful blooms because those Fucking Bugs have eaten them all. I am totally gutted and I feel like stamping all over them, killing them all, they have ruined it all for me. I hate nature, I fucking hate it all.
All gone, I will have no veggies and no beautiful flowers because those fuckers have eaten them all. I cant beat them, there is nothing I can do, I cant win, they take everything from me that I love and want. Fuck off, Fuck off, Fuck off I fucking hate you bastards. I want you to die, just die so I can have what I want and feel good about myself, feel happy and like I am good at something, some sort of success that I can grow my own veggies and flowers with the most beautiful perfume and blooms. No, nothing for me this year, all fucking gone you arse holes. I cant have anything, no power in anything I do, its all taken away so I have nothing, all that effort in planting them out and looking after them, all for nothing, a waste. Eaten of the face of the earth by those fuckers, OOooo God I am so fucked, so angry. I want to jump up and down on them, kill and squash them out of existence.
As I sit here and look at what is left of my plants I feel so devastated at what could have been, their beauty had they had a chance to grow and flourish without the interference of being stopped from growing. its all so sad, they will never know how beautiful they could have been if left alone. Now they look ugly, fucked and chewed up like they are really in pain and re struggling to be beautiful, they are not. There is no way they can win over the bugs, no chance. These fucking bugs have ruined it all for me, all my hard work gone to waste, I give up, I wont bother again. I had such expectations and high hopes for my veggies and flowers all crushed, lost, such disappointment and let down.
I am the veggies and my parents are the Bugs, nature is showing me the truth of my relationship with my parents and it is all being played out perfectly in front of me. Its all so perfectly correct like I am watching a play of my life, this is how it is, wow. So amazing, I cant have the power without them interfering, taking over, telling me how it should be, shit I suddenly feel so ill, so weak and crushed like those plants. All ruined like me, never knowing what I could have been with out being interfered with. I wanted to be left alone to do my own thing, to grow without interference. As I look at my plants I see total destruction, annihilation, the leafs all bitten down to nothing with no more growth, no chance of growing at all because as soon as they try to, they are bitten down, any new growth is stopped instantly and that is me. I cant do anything to stop the bugs(parents), they have total overbearing control of the plants(me). Shit I feel ill, I feel awful and so weak, beaten down like the plants, I cant bear it, I feel so trapped and caged by them.
I don't even have the power to grow my own veggies or my own beautiful flowers for myself yet Mum can grow a whole plot of them in abundance and she brings them over to me, all sorts of wonderful veggies she has grown and I cant even grow a few. I am fucking useless, I am in competition with her I feel, trying to show her fuck you, I can grow my own, I am just as good as you are at growing my own veggies, but I am not, I am rubbish and she is so good at it, oh shit I feel so small, so crushed at how much better she is than me. I am trying to gain power over her saying 'Fuck you mum' but I cant do it, I am beaten down. I cant beat her, I have to give in to her, she is the best. I have even planted out some more in the hope they will grow and be left alone just so I can have some success, I don't want nature to beat me, mum to beat me. I am still fighting mum, trying to have power by planting more and not letting the bugs win(mum) this is me and mum going at it head to head but I will never win against her. She makes me feel so useless, powerless and so INCAPABLE, Yes that is the perfect word for how I am feeling and have always felt so Incapable and I need her to take over, take control of whatever I am doing. I am so weak and just have to give up what ever I am doing because I am so incapable compared to mum, so powerless to do anything for myself. Powerless like I always need her help and I am scared to do it myself or take any risks in life. Powerless and incapable without mum, I always need her to help me I cant do anything for myself and that makes me feel like dying, whats the point of my life if I cant live it for myself and I need constant propping up by my parents, oh for fuck sake leave me along to fuck it all up for myself and see how it feels.
I feel like those plants, all with such grand expectations when they were seeds, what will they grow into, how beautiful will they be but all have been cut sown as seedlings, controlled by the bugs as to how much they will let them grow, even kill them if they want to. Pointless, all so fucking pointless and disappointing.
Yep, it’s just great, isn’t it - your mum wanting to live in her wrongness is a success at it, you want to live the right way and can’t do anything. At least you’re getting all the help to show you! I’m sorry Sam, but I can’t help laughing at the first few lines of your second paragraph. It’s maddening, I sympathise with you completely feeling so fucked off and so powerless. God it happens to me all the time. I planted five new trees, one trying to block out a gap in which people can see through up to the house. So which tree gets absolutely stripped by the possum - you guessed it. I put five other plants in dotted about the place, and the best one, and the one that was in the perfect position, it was doing so well, so along comes the rabbit and just chews its stem in half cutting down all the leaves about it. It does chew the other plants, oh no, it has to be my favourite. I woke up the other day now it’s finally rained hoping to see it all plump and looking good, but no - GONE. Over and over again, just like you, I can’t have anything I want. If I want it, then it’s a gonner, I am its death knell. All to keep making me feel all you say. I’m so over raging about it all, now all I can do is laugh - yep, here we go again, yes, that’s what I expected to happen! So put in a few more plants to try and block that hole - here possum, wallaby, rabbit, I’m planting a few more for you - come and get it you fuckers!
Handy hint: Try planting expecting the worst, that they will all get slaughtered. Try staying on the worst side and not hoping for the best.
It is totally like that now James, no more expectations, it going to all get fucked up, what ever I do is going to fail. I saw the sparrows eating my new sugar snap peas today and felt as you did, have the lot. Nothing works for me any more and it has been something I woke up early today and began expressing. I have tried selling of loads of my stuff and none of it sells so I have given it all to charity, nothing works no Job interviews, nothing its all gone.
I received an offer from some woman yesterday, to top it off for me, I was selling something I had for 20 quid and she offered me £4.00, well that was it, I went mental shouting at the top of my voice that she was the biggest cunt in the world. Trevor was sitting in the garden and he said the neighbours could hear me calling her a cunt, and I couldn't give a shit, I wanted to bash her brains in and stamp all over them, I was raging for about two hours at the top of my voice about how much I hated her and wanted to write back and tell her what I wanted to do to her. This morning I laughed at it all and felt great. She made me feel worthless, that nothing I had was worth anything, I wasn't worth anything and what a gift that was to me because it brought it all up for me to feel the truth of how my parents feel about me.
Like you say, stay on the worst side of it all and now I know nothing works for me anymore so that is all I should expect and nothing is worth doing because it wont work.
Since I wrote the last post, and using the 'C' word, I have felt really bad. Like I will be attacked for using it, it is a totally unacceptable word to use in my family and especially by a Woman, it is not ladylike to say 'Fuck' and definitely not to say 'Cunt' ever if you are a Woman. The 'C' word is the worst word ever and it was never said in my family.
In my rage, when I was living at home I would use these words but only ever in my mind or under my breath when my parents had pissed me off but if they had heard me, wow, big trouble and it still scares me now. The word comes out in my true anger expression and being able to say it allows me full expression and not having to repress anything of what I want to say which has only happened since my healing. Before, I would never allow myself to use the words publicly, out loud, in fear of getting in trouble from my parents. When I am raging it all comes out and shocks those around me but I no longer want to hold back on anything, so I am allowing myself to go for it full throttle but even in saying that, I still say it with a bad feeling, like I am bad and naughty for saying it, even in the throws of anger, I still feel like I shouldn't say it. Such a filthy word coming from a woman, mum and dad would label any woman who used the 'C' word as a terrible person, rough and not to mix with.
In saying it I am giving myself full expression, doing and saying all the things I wanted to say but wasn't allowed as a child and teenager, even adult, I wasn't allowed to express my full self and my evilness and now I want to and I am learning just how evil I am and it feels good to know the truth about myself and not to hide how bad I am, I want it all to come out of me so I can know the truth about myself, all the shocking truth.
I have put on the act all my life of being polite, kind, nice, and ladylike because it is how mum and dad wanted me to be when inside of me I was repressing the truth of how I really felt and it is all coming out now through my Feeling Healing.