Feelings of being drained

It only takes me 10 to 15 minutes and I'm drained from the elderly. I spent have my life dodging and ducking relatives like my uncles and aunts if I see them go into stores that I'm in. Shear terror to stand there and talk. There was only one man that my wife and I appreciate talking to and because he said what he wanted to and he let you go in a matter a few minutes. Why can't all elders be that way. I'm pretty sure they had repressed children so do that to them not us. Don't they know we're trying to heal. Do you know what is that drew her toward you? And how do you think is the best way to prevent that from happening next time so I know?

I feel this with the elderly in my life only. Just from my experience with them. Knowing that they never cared about me so what is going to happen in a one on one meeting. First thing is how is your parents doing. Ok I can lie and say fine or say I don't know haven't seen them in a while. Bring up the situation of not checking in on your own loving parents. What a joke these scenarios seem to be. All fake portraits of my entire life. I'm happy and they are happy. If not there will be something that has seriously went wrong with me. My relatives use to make me happy on occasions and turn around and act as if I wasn't there. So which one will I be talking to would be the terror part of it all. My head use to spin back and forth all the time who likes me and who doesn't. That was my whole life. Be liked was a big thing for me growing up and to find out later that nobody cared. Never gave myself a chance to feel obligated to the fragile ones but I would out of a false since of respect. When I was drained I just stop talking and remained silent to get people from draining me. It was pretty easy since I had nothing to talk about anyway. The relationship I had with my grandmother sticks out to me about the rules of what you must do for your elders. She was paralyzed since I could remember. So my mother always had me either feed her or spend time with. It was always you will be blessed if you did. So doing things for the elderly was an automatic blessing so to speak. Good trick to do what they didn't want too.

Wes asked: “And how do you think is the best way to prevent that from happening next time so I know”, which brings up one of the most important aspects of trying to do your healing.

In wanting to do ones healing, then as I’ve repeatedly said, it’s all ONLY about staying focused on your feelings, accepting and expressing them, and longing to uncover the truth they are to show you. Nothing else. And for me, the theory is easy to understand, but doing it is another matter. I approach things as you do Wes. There’s an obvious problem, especially as it makes you feel bad, so what can you do to avoid it in future, which is fine in itself if you are not wanting to do your healing and just carry on as before. Marion is always picking me up on this. It’s to heavily ingrained in me, it’s my conditioned response: Problem = Fix it. Then problem and bad feelings go away. But no truth results. And doing our healing is ALL ABOUT our growing in truth, revealing to ourselves the whole truth of our soul. So first of all, the whole truth of our negative state. And as our feelings are the only way we can uncover the truth within us our soul and the Mother and Father want us to see, so we have to work with and use our feelings, not just try and fix the problem to stop ourselves from having such feelings.

So in regards to your question Wes, there are possibly many ways of doing things to prevent the experience from happening again, but that is not about doing your healing. So concerning doing your healing you go the other way, and you DON’T want to prevent anything, unless you are driven by your feelings to. So in this case, Desire would be wise to simply follow her feelings, and if they lead her back to being with that woman again, not trying to stop or prevent anything from happening, but just staying true to all feelings that come up. And so if she feels drained again, then go with these bad feelings, expressing them the best she can, whilst longing for their truth. And potentially she might have many interactions with this older lady coming away feeling drained in each one, but as she expresses and longs for the truth and it is revealed, each experience will lead her further into herself. So instead of looking to prevent these situations, if you can, it’s to welcome them, knowing they are yet another experience that will give rise to yet more bad feelings that you can then use to uncover more truth of yourself.

Now that’s the theory, and I would hope I’ve written it well enough for you to see it all sounds simple enough. However, like everything when you’re involved in the actual real life experience, things are of course not as easy they might sound. So then all you can do is all you can do, go with your feelings, talk about it all as much as can, see what happens, always looking for the bad feelings with the intention of using them to show you what you are to see about yourself.

Marion and I have often had to work about going back into the fray so we might feel bad again or staying away. Marion had one experience with a women whom she asked if she knew when daylight saving began as we were very much out of touch in those days and thought it must be about to start soon, and a simple enough question you might think. And yet the woman in her shop made it into such a difficult situation for Marion, making Marion wonder what she had done wrong to get the response she got, plunging her down into her self-doubt and self-hatred taking her days to work through all the bad feelings. Then what to do, as we wanted to go back to this woman’s shop but naturally didn’t want to go through anything like that again. But as we talked it all through, Marion decided it would be best if she did go through more yuk at the hands of this woman, but also, that if the woman said something odd again, this time around, Marion would ask her why she said it, which she didn’t do last time. So although Marion was still looking to feel bad and not stop this woman or herself from having another difficult situation, still she had a new approach resulting from all she had been through because of the first interaction with her. So, with her new approach in mind, in we went expecting the worst, and the woman wasn’t there. So Marion knew it wasn’t about the woman, it was in fact a deeper aspect to do with her parents that the women represented and Marion had worked through. And so having resolved to tackle her parents differently, as if they had been the owners of the shop, the women was taken out of the picture as she was no longer required.

On another experience we went to buy a doona, and a very ‘nice’ woman swept us up and with all the chat ended up trying to tell us what we wanted and what would be best for us as if she were us. And each time we tried to get back on track to what we wanted, she tried to steer us away to something else. This was early days in our healing and we were both becoming very angry, so it was very satisfying to close on the woman who through she had a sale, fuck her right off, and go back to the car and talk all our anger through. Then what to do, do we return, looking to feel bad again so we can go through more bad feelings with this woman - or go somewhere else. We went somewhere else.

Marion is much better at staying true to her feelings being fully aware of them as she’s in the experience with strangers, helping me to see that it’s not about whether or not we actually succeed in getting what we want, but it’s what we go through, all how it makes us feel. And sometimes we have problems other times it all flows smoothly. Sometimes we go time and time again to the same shop only to come away feeling odd and taking hours to work out why we feel bad, then to go back having uncovered the truth, only to have the complete opposite experience with the same person.

And as one progresses in ones healing, as ones healing is all really about uncovering all the parts in ourselves where we feel powerless and all the bad feelings to do with that, as we allow ourselves to feel as bad and powerless as we do, the victim and poor pathetic ones, the more we grow in truth and so change, giving ourselves back the power, but not as in empowering ourselves with our mind like how so many people try to do, but a far more deeper power, that of simply being yourself. And so as you’re parents have made you be the powerless person you are, then it’s to fully allow yourself to be that powerless person (as hard as that is), and not worrying about trying to get over it or heal it or avoid situations in which you’ll feel it, just to keep going feeling fucked and longing for the truth as you bring to light all the bad feelings you feel. And by the time we’re fully healed, we will be naturally fully empowered, yet all through our feelings and from a solid foundation of truth - knowing the truth of ourselves, who we really are, and not a false power derived from a scared mind.

And Desire, they were great questions to ask Wes.

James wrote: "You giving yourself away to the old lady, she using you for her own needs, which of itself is fair enough, but without you putting in and adding your bits and making sure you are fully expressing yourself and all you feel as well; then as you say, it’s just you back home and that wasn’t fair because your parents didn’t allow you to fully and actively participate, wanting you to express yourself as you much as they wanted to express themselves."

Reciprocal relationships...this question has been coming to me about them...Are you afraid to have one?  And the answer right now is: Yes.  What happened to me as a child when I tried to have one with my mother?  The only way I knew (the feeling way, expressing myself through what I was feeling as a child) was what I found out would make my mother angry with me (because there is NO TIME for feelings and too much other work in the household needing to be done).  Work is priority over sharing and expressing our feelings.  There is not time for both because a woman's work is never done.  If you don't work, you have nothing to connect yourself with into other people - work is identity, no work then nothing to talk about with others.  So as my husband comes home from work, I ask:  "How was work?"  Not how are you or how did that make you feel when that happened at work because that makes him angry.  It is in this place I get stuck and find an endless loop repeating itself in our relationship creating a memory once again for my husband telling him: "Don't share yourself, she will only start asking you more questions that you don't want to answer." And here I am playing my role of counselor (trying to get into his head at least if he won't share his emotions) one-sided expecting him to want to share himself while I safely stay withholding how I am really feeling.

So I saw this, and yesterday shared about how I was feeling  when he shuts me out and closes me off from himself...and I kept my words about me without expecting him to chime in and open up unless he wanted to...no prompting him to reciprocate.  And I felt some more about why I haven't tread this territory much in our relationship...it is painful to not have reciprocation or interest in what I have to say about my feelings.  It is re-experiencing what I had with my parents...trying to "play" ball with them, throwing who I am and what I feel at them and only desiring that they would throw their own honest feelings back at me.  But right now, here at home with my husband, I just have to keep being willing to throw my ball and even if it makes him angry or uncomfortable or just silent, it is part of us learning how to play.  Why do I expect him to show himself to me, when I have not been willing to stick my neck out and keep it out...I am the one saying it is my work to take the lead. And I know this is not about trying to find a formula to be able to connect but feeling through my feelings while we are yet unable to have my goal of a reciprocal relationship.

While I was asking Wes some more questions the other day that I truly was interested in for the sake of wanting to know Wes better, I felt like I was doing something wrong...and that Wes was going to be irritated at me for not "leaving him alone."  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!  What a bad child I felt I was for wanting to know them, for trying to find a way into their lives since I wasn't given a job to do to make myself part of the working relationships of my family, I had nothing...no way of connecting with them and they seemed only to be angry with me when I tried.  I must have learned early that my chances were better if at least I asked them about themselves and to get what I could even if they did not want to reciprocate.  And I got stuck in this role, not wanting to feel the pain of exposing how I felt to a wall who would not respond.  That was too painful to do over and over again, so I would settle with just getting a smidgin of feeling connected by asking them questions about themselves.  I got good at feeling who would get mad at me for asking questions about themselves and found those who loved endless conversation talking only of themselves.  And I left those alone who would get angry not wanting to feel the pain from my childhood.

The child speaks: Why don't you care about me?  What's the matter with me for needing you to care about me?  Why do I have to learn ways to not make you mad and make sure I am not in your way? This is so much work for me, hard labor everyday to keep myself in check like this.  I have to hold my breath, keep a straight face, try to hold everything I feel underneath the water like a beach ball...it is so much work to keep this beach ball underneath the water. If it pops up, I am toast, big trouble, in the way again, making others lives miserable.  And how does that make me feel?  Like I want to disappear, but I can't.  I can stop trying though and give up on connecting and go away outside.  I get some relief out there with nature...the only mother who has been there for me, the breezes on my skin, the sun warming me, the colors softening me inviting me to enjoy them, the birds communicating their songs to me without me having to ask them anything...they just simply offer their song to me, watching the ground squirrels want to play with each other as they make noises back and forth to each other...they live reciprocal relationships with no one needing to pull anyone into it...they want to. So much sadness here in my needing to disappear and give up on sharing myself and choosing instead to live as "a counselor" to those who will live the other side of my one-sided relationship game (not here to want to know anything about me, but using me to speak endlessly on about themselves.) And ultimately I burn out from even wanting to play this role and have to feel my emptiness inside and anger with myself for wanting and needing anyone.

James, you asked for me to speak more about my anorexic time in high school and my mom's lack of eye sight to see it was happening right under her nose. (At this point  my mother and father were divorced).  One of the things I believe that triggered me into this last ditch effort to be seen and also to want to punish my mother was an incident my younger sister reminded me of that I had blocked up from my memory.  I had early on decided to be the good girl never causing any problems with my mother and found myself in my later teen years at one point talking back to my mother...actually saying how I felt and letting her know I wasn't happy with her...finding out you don't back talk your mother.  My sister reminded me of when my mom slapped my face.  What did I decide that day when she did this?  I believe I would choose to actually do my best to die and disappear.  I would not even need her to supply me with food anymore, I would not depend on her for anything...and she would then have to finally see I wasn't there. But like I said, it didn't phase her one bit.  And what did that feel like?  By that time, I was so very very numb and full of fear for my future feeling so very ill-equipped to know what I wanted to do for a job after high school, the only emotion that became a constant was anger.  I was so angry for being abandoned and forsaken by her and there was nothing I could do about it.  And I remember I felt so wrong for having ended up this way, that my sisters had figured it out and were not angry and depressed like me so this had to be my fault, not my mothers.  I felt ashamed of myself for being me, such a messed up person that couldn't be fixed.

I know I am in my "telling my story mode" than feeling the truth of my story as I write this, and I pray and long to move deeper into my repressed emotions surrounding this.

Another part of what took me into the world of anorexia was finding a cartoon taped to my locker at school.  There was a girl in it that had my name and arrow directed toward her showing that this girl was me....and she was fat.  In school, I was always in some kind of sport because I enjoyed being on teams even if I never played in the actual games.  I liked the practices we'd have after school and being part of a team.  So I wasn't fat but not thin as a rail either.  That cartoon really affected me...that someone would really think this is how I appeared and I felt so very very ashamed of myself for not knowing how I looked.  I trusted what one person taking this action believed about me instead of being able to see myself clearly in the mirror.  So the whole thing with my mom and this event all kind of got worked together to create the anorexia picture in my life.

James writes speaking of Marion: "So she’s fought for it, having to yell and scream at me to come with her, to connect and be with her, all of which I’ve wanted to do when she paints the picture of how she thinks it should be, but all of which I’ve been too damaged to do, however her persistence is paying off as I’m slowly getting there." 
"And as far as Marion is concerned, even if our relationship doesn’t keep going, she is doing her healing so she can have a true relationship with herself and whomever is in her life, ideally wanting to live in a world in which everyone is truly expressing themselves so she can have good and loving relationships in all her life."

I can't tell you how much sharing this is helping me. And the help is bringing more balance into my black and white childhood conditioned mind.  This work, keeping it pure by doing it for myself first and foremost...wanting to keep getting to know my real true self...helps me also to follow the feelings that move me toward inviting my husband to listen to me, without having the desire to control or manipulate him into it.  My movements toward him (no not always without the control or manipulation) are out of doing my own work, not to try and make him do his.  And what you share here with how it's worked with you and Marion is helping me see this dynamic and how it is so different when I have been unwilling to change and want him to do all of the changing so I won't have to feel my crap.

And for me, I see it as a wonderful quality you have, and one obviously that naturally comes to you, for you can easily, as Marion does, put yourself in the other persons situation feeling what you’d feel in it, this allowing you to be so empathetic with, then feeling sympathetic to, them. But possibly like you are saying, as it was for Marion too, you were forced to be more this way than you wanted to be when you were growing up, so you reject it, not wanting to do it when it is what you would naturally have done had you been free to do it following your own natural inclinations and inspiration.

Undoing some more of my black and white thinking/feeling/living here...I would say yes, it has been a natural inclination from very very early on to do this, but when I learned to deny myself and put myself and my own feelings LAST and everyone else's ahead of mine while I was feeling what was going on inside of them, it began my life of invisibility(my life, my own feelings becoming no longer visible) in order to make them know that their life and their feelings were important.  The black and white thinking said, it's either me being the focus of attention or them, and I had enough experience of the painful kind growing up to see that me being the focus will always bring more pain, so I learned to rescue myself...or try to...through being there for others (rescuing them). Of course it never worked, but with black and white logic being the only thing to go by having my feelings buried, it's what I had to do to find a way to feel like I was surviving.

So to really get this - how important it is to value, honor and esteem my life as highly as it must be esteemed - it is no one else's job to do this only my own.  And if my parents had been living their lives loving all that they found coming up and allowing themselves to feel through it all, I'd have learned from their example how them doing their own feeling work made them more present to who I really am without wanting or needing to control or manipulate me into someone more bearable.  No, they would not have been perfect at it, but would have provided me with the way of living in the truth, loving what ever was needing to surface and help me heal. Me first, me first, me first...how selfish that sounds to this world, but when understood and used to lead us into our own soul work, what incredible Light and Truth we may then bring into our own lives and world.

There is something I have become aware of about how I got all twisted up that I feel is in a gradual untwist and it has to do with being honest about my weaknesses (which has been easier for me) and my strengths/talents (something I have always drawn a blank when trying to make a list of).  As you have encouraged me in this email to take a look at what you are seeing as natural and good ways of trying to communicate that you are viewing in my life, I had room to take it in from you.  Even if others have told me this in the past, I would not take it to heart feeling like they are just being "nice", but not able to really be honest with me.  As I have watched your writings and see your own desire to not be fooled by your own self, but to want to know the bottom line truth, it brings me to take a better listen to someone like you who won't say things just to make me feel good about myself.  So, I am grateful for this encouragement you have given me in this area, knowing there are plenty of layers yet to go where I live in impure motives, but also seeing the work I have been doing in putting myself first is affecting me for the good, untwisting the natural inclination that go twisted up from my childhood.

Thanks so much for sharing all you have James and Marion with me.

The confusion that must come with it all is the gift that  taps out dry my life long desire to use my mental capacities to figure everything out in my head.  When my mind wants to take hold and take the lead it now is something I feel deeper inside, the child I was, trying to grab a steering wheel feeling like if I let go of it I would die, I would drown.

The mistrust of my personal emotions was deeply imbedded in me and so the search was on to read book after book after book after book searching for the fix that would be permanent to save me away from any emotion asking to simply be acknowledged as it tried to surface in me.  With the death of Robin Williams, one of the common threads I saw in his own life's way of thinking was that it was SELFISH to take care of your own life (and all of it's accumulated pain) and that he was here to ease everyone else's troubles.  As it came out a few days after his death (that he also was moving into Parkinson's disease), the anxiety concerning his possible demise of not being able to perform his role for the world of taking care of us as Parkinson's would progress, would be a life not worth the taking up space.  The planet would be better off without him if he couldn't be "giving" to others.  

This is also what I learned...that if I was so down trodden with my own shit, I could never be of any use to anyone else and so for the first half of my life I continued to steer away from my true emotions waiting for me inside.  I was so afraid to lance my first emotional boil believing that to allow and accept what my emotions were telling me would lead me to insanity.

Being turned against myself...fearing myself (Myself:  The sum of the combination of what I took in from my mother and my father).  

What will she do next?  What will she say?  What's all that crap she's feeling inside?  What is she going to do with it, where's she going to dump it?  Oh no...here it comes, I see it rising out of her body.  She's pissed, so angry and her hands need to pull my hair or push me aside.  She's tired, so very very tired and I feel the weight of it, so heavy, too much to bear.  So much to do, can't take a rest, gotta keep going, go go go, gotta get it done.

Here he comes walking through the door, button your lip, not a word out of your mouth.   My way or the highway.  Because I say so, I don't need to explain myself to you.  Turn that television channel...now!  Leave your big sister alone, your too old to need her attention....just a big baby, you are.

My own mixed bag of all I fear...fearing all I became, taking upon myself all of the parts of themselves they were ashamed of and rejected.  To have this heads up on what's all stuffed down here inside me...it is helpful to see where it all has come from, why it's still here to be expressed out of myself.